#that place is new and ive wanted to go in there so at least i now know
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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Man oni can't do this to me I'm supposed to be preparing for artfight but all I can think abt is Them™ from the second I wake up to the moment I go to bed how am I supposed to prepare in these circumstances 😔
#rat rambles#oni posting#and dude the beta is probably still going to be going during that time klei how could you do this to me#like I will still be participating in artfight but I fear Ill be on oni lockdown for the first week or smth dhskdhkdh#Ill try to at least sketch some stuff out but god if I can get my hands onto any amount of lore its so jover#now thats not a guarantee this is a beta after all but god man. fuck.#also I need to know the new dupes name right now its important#mostly because I want confirmation that I got z on the cypher right lol#chances are theyll just have another a name or smth#who knows maybe theyll have a w name and be the second ever contender for being sent to the constant#although for all we know there could be plenty more w names in the cast that are just hidden in the full names like with nails#I am in such agony rn with seemingly every place ppl post abt oni being dead silent still hello is anyone there#I thought Id at least see some more speculative stuff on the gameplay side of things but Ive seen like 2 things where ppl even bring it up#tbf some of the new stuff seems pretty obvious to deduce to me like there's no way the new fox deers dont produce lumber#and we already know the bunny guys (or the big one at least) provides reed fiber at least#the plants are mostly more mysterious tho#we have the obvious one being our new bestie the oxylite plant and the lil puffball tree thats probably the new decor plant#and the crystal grapes are probably going to be a new muckroot equivalent and at least one of the new plants probably produces smth edible#as for what recourses they need we know that at least 2 of them need watered in some way#Im currently betting theyll need ethanol but thats not based on a lot#honestly if any of them use plain ol water or even any water variants Ill be surprised#I wouldn't be surprised if most of them take ethanol or some liquid gas or smth#I still am holding out on a plant that consumed liquid carbon dioxide but Im not too hopeful#one thing Im very curious on is just everything abt how the oxylite plant grows I wanna know how good itll be so bad#because I am a proud member of the desperately wants more viable oxygen production option in oni gang and I wanna see this baby flourish#but based on how seemingly abundant it is Im afraid itll just join the squad of early game oxygen options that become too much of a hassle#to sustain late game so you're usually just going to switch to exlectroliszers each time#I hope Im wrong but I wont be surprised if Im not#they already took one oxygen plant out back and shot it dead so this guy might just be a corpse on arival if we're unlucky#well hey thats why there's a beta ig gotta make sure things are balanced or whatever
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today is literally the worst day ever this is the worst news i have ever been given in the past 4 years.
#me.txt#i would say the worst news ive ever been given EVER but then i remembered my dad died. woops.#i am absolutely crushed ive just been sitting here in silence for almost an hour#no matter what i cant keep them. i dont want to get in trouble i quite like having a place to live#just. man. MAN.#even if i could keep them i know i wouldnt be able to afford rats AND a cat#rats alone when i only had one job during the semester was almost too much money + work for me#like i didnt plan on adopting another set of rats anyway. even tho i love my boys. its just too much work for me.#im so sad i wanted to at least see them to the end of their little lives :(#but they have to go now. :(((#at least i'll have a cat but man. man. i love my baby boys so much.
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What a 13 dollar iced coffee looks like
#Verdict: its fine#worth 13? no. but that was never a quedtion#that place is new and ive wanted to go in there so at least i now know#they put in house made coffee gelato in it and a slice of blondie with it so i suppose those bulk up the prices#the blondie was alright#Allin in all: Okay#decent#bit decadent
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I just want acknowledgement that I was a very brave boi and called to make a mental self appointment for me today. We are being a responsible human being who don't take no shit from their brain!
#personal#having a rough day and all my safe people are gone#all but 1 but hes being very chummy with the people my brain has deemed unsafe#i know its not a good mentality to be untrustworthy espeacially of new people because they havent even done anything yet#but its that cliche left out feeling you get when everyone is in the know and you have no fucking idea whats going on#ive been circling the drain for awhile but im realising that after 5 months i need to make a self refferal because the doctors one is just#not getting me anywhere#i want more friends#i want someone to be my partner#i want the eddie to my buck or the hen to my chim#whys life so hard :'(#sorry forbthe negativity just needed a safe place to rant#at least 911 is on tonight so thats something positive
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hey y'all, anyone have any good stress relief tehniques or habits they'd like to share cuz I've been more stressed in the last 3 weeks then I was in the last 6 months
#to cut the long story short my mom had to sell the old house cuz her broke ass couldnt afford to keep it up#eventho it is a whole ass hoarders house and was in shambles with a flooded basement a collapsing ceiling in at least 2 rooms plus mold#and the stench a dirt and dog piss and shit all over the floor really made it worse then it was#but yeah so shes been staying with me and my grandma and its been awful#she hasnt been taking any of the medicine the doctors gave her when she snapped and started a fight and also started screaming at neighbour#so shes been terrorizing us here while the house has become her second hoarders den since she dragged so much crap here#my backyard side entrance and front porch are full of her shit and my grandma hates it since she can barely step into the house#so since she kept looking for places way out of her budget i had to go do house hunting since my useless sister is busy getting lit again#so ive been showing her shit in her price range that was under 420k cuz im not a moron who looks at 800k homes when i have 570k#and each time she has a new complaint saying its too expenive or its too small or its too old when she said she wants to do renovations#but shes saying she wants to renovate a newly renovated place instead of an old one#so i just showed her a house near my sisters uni and she liked the inside & backyard but she complained that 400k for newly renovated 3 bed#that is literally a 9 minute drive from my sisters uni is too expensive when shes the one who was looking at an old ass unrenovated bungalo#that is a street over from us that is 800k and she says it looks like garbage cuz an old lady previously owned it before dying#like no shit it looks old cuz older people lived those decades and like it and she just keeps doing her bullshit again & again#cuz when i tell you her mind is gone i mean it is GONE and she starts up all these wild stories to just explain some shit#like something goes missing? the neighbours are hungarian and stole it and left the hoard of junk in her old house#she has more stupid stories to harass and stress us out with but if im gonna share that ill have to write a book about it cuz fuck#and you know its bad when no one else can stand being in any contact with her cuz she starts screaming at people about it#so the only one who even likes her anymore is my sister and thats cuz shes deep in denial about just how insane she is & how abusive she is#so yeah i need some stress relief help that maybe isnt constantly hitting up maryjane cuz i dont do weed often especially since shes here#cuz weed 'burns your brain & makes you crazy like this' when shes the only one whos ever infuriated me to astronimical levels#i know retail therapy helped before she came here but i dont want to keep spending money i dont really have#it would be great tho but shes refusing to give me the 70k she said was mine from the house sale so i can cut her out for good
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Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove
#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy#(its not really that busy)#and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly#for an hour#always felt like such s draining burden#and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself#as a kid i was always made to do things. see people.#i did a summer camp every year at least during the day#i did sports i went hiking in forests#but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things#because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence#despite being something that i actively enjoyed#and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely#like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back#around to shame or guilt just about always#anyway how is this relevant to travelling?#it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person#ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days#and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge#to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen#even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen#but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note#crazy how complicated it can be to be a person#it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house#and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your#but no one is that urgent about anything anyway.#beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime#but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller
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#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data#which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done#for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior#so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a#collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more#devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close#bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the#country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will#instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a#different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad#a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi#intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see#them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize#the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b#doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped#that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying#less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating#unrelated
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also (this is it i promise) this is why i am so INSANELY excited to have my own room soon. like omg. it is definitely not perfect bc it’s at home and there’s a breaker box in it and you can hear footsteps really loud through the ceiling and also again *it’s at home* when i really need to not be living at home. but the quality of life improvement i am about to have is actually INSANE. i will be able to have a space far away from everyone else where i can sing without bothering anyone and play piano and decorate it (mostly) to my liking and have a desk and draw and paint and do whatever. finally!!!!!!!! that is going to fix me!!!!!
#purrs#i just wish it was permanent or that i had more years to spend in it. like i actually just want to find the place where i will live forever#and just stay there bc oh my GOD am i tired of living in places temporarily. i have so many issues w that bc so many spaces that were#formative for me have been destroyed (e.g. the van 😍😍😍😍 and my grandparents house 😍😍😍😍 and my favorite hs teachers classroom 😍😍😍😍) or are#going to be destroyed (e.g. the office where i work rn 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍) or ive had to leave them and move out bc they’re inherently temporary (e.g.#my on campus room 😍😍😍😍 and my room in brighton 😍😍😍😍😍😍). and ive had attachment issues w space / location : whatever my whole life like i wou#would have huge meltdowns whenever we were transitioning from like elementary school to middle school middle school to high school etc etc..#so i really just um. would like permanence and stability please. im 24. im done w school for now and maybe forever. i want to find a place w#where i can just like.. stay. so if im paying rent like something that would allow me to renew it indefinitely and not fear bei ng kicked#out randomly or at the end of a determined period. i just want a home lol i want a homeeeee and i want to decorate it with all my things and#never be afraid that i will lose it and get to stay there forever and ever or at least as long as i want. bc my parents already have plans f#for my new room after i move out and i won’t get to decorate it as much as i want bc my mom doesn’t want me to damage the paint. but like if#i have a place of my own then i get to decide a little ding in the paint is worth it to put up my lanterns. you know? idk. the mortifying#ordeal of experiencing freedom like thisfor the first time in my mid-late twenties probably 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but still its gonna be good and i hope it#happens soon and i have to MAKE that happen. so yeah.#wishlist#delete later#ok now im done for real THJS time lol. my mom is gonna be so pissed at me ive barely lifted a finger here. but im enjoying the quiet what ca#can i say!!!!!!!! like OMG ok last thi ng��. like she’s always saying i have to love myself first before i get into a relationship and it’s l#like.. maybe my living conditions do not predispose me to be able to spend time w myself in ways that allow me to love myself!!!!!!#maybe always being on the defense and needing to find quiet spaces all the time and being shamed for that is not a very good way to experien#experience myself in the place im supposed to feel most grounded and comfortable!!! so yeah.#like maybe i stopped doing all the things i loved bc you got alexa and loud speakers and started blasting music all the time and dominating#space and becoming more and more high maintenance… 😳 (and obviously i changed as a person / played a role in it too but again my point / re#realization is… maybe it was in RESPONSE to stimuli that were not good for me and not just bc i suck as a person / am losing myself / etc.)#like theeeee sonic warfare of it all. also my brother is a key player in it too bc he raps and sings at the top of his lungs and it’s like 🤨
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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first post..
#car alarm 🚨#at march 15... 5:55AM... well cheers to new beginnings and progress i suppose#still not really sure how to go about showing what i want here without showing too much OR losing steam....#well i guess its a good place to outline it right here...#1) will be doing devlogs. like i did on patreon. tho tbh i had no one there to see them at the time so updates came to a halt....#can start doing those again tho since it did keep me on track with working for awhile...#2) may share wips and progress stuff like sprites. chibis or potential promo ideas. not sure abt ingame cgs or bgs yet tho#cuz then yknow. giving away a bit abt certain things. but i'll see... it really will just be an in the moment decision kinda thing#times like this i wish tumblr had the spoilering option like twt/disc does cuz then at least ur makin a conscious choice to unspoiler yknow#3) and finally. still not sure on this but might share some situations/scenarios or text post edits ive made of characters?#i think theyre fun... they help me flesh out the characters more... i am my own first supporter with fan content fr#additionally: not rlly a guideline. i have these little spotify playlists of the charas i made that i listen to when i write? might share?#might not? just a glimpse into my dark sick and twisted reality of how i both view the characters and see what i think they would listen to#anyways thats it for now#im out 🚪🚶🏿♀️
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I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀
#mine#🎸#DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an#ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao#First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off#But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me#i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere#i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3#but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way#but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous#at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like#a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes#but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so#bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them#because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a#good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to#BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me??#and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance#watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong#my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that#feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY#HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird#one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing#where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh#right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also#literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?
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I have obtained a new oc and in the process I've already signed myself up for needing to make at least 3 new ocs for his story which he now has despite me initially Intending for him to be a side character for a different side character to hang out with. My townhouse has over 200 characters on it.
#rat rambles#oc posting#he doesn't have an official name yet but he is my silly billy and I love him#also take every him with an asterisk again he's like super new (I just got him today)#although several elements of his story so far have been things Ive been wanting to do for a while so thats a part of why I have so many#ideas for him already since its some stuff I've been wanting to play around with for a while#the real reason he has a chokehold on me rn is that I tripped and made him my 500 thousanth character with identity issues#I <3 characters with a fucked up relationship with their sense of self and what it even means to be themself#oh hes also a magic cat world character because thats what like 90% of my ocs are from at this point lol#and another goop related guy but this time not directly related to every other goop guy#he doesnt interact with any of them or even know most of them exist#long story short hes a robot who used to not be a robot but remembers nothing abt his life before he turned himself into a robot#all he has as reference is a mostly ruined journal his past self kept that is almost entirely unreadable due to it getting soaked in goop#he knows that this was self inflicted and his approximate age but that's abt it in terms of useful information#early story is mostly just him traveling alone trying to see if anyone nearby knows who he is but after going through like 5 or so towns he#starts to get more worried and upset about the whole situation and starts trying to look into some different missing person reports in#hopes that he can find one of himself#he runs out of the savings he had on him pretty quickly though so he had to figure out how to stay afloat while doing his research#'luckily' he meets a man while looking into one case he found who was willing to let him stick around at his place while looking into it#this guy had some investment in these dissapearances because he suspected that they related to his father and hoped to find any sort of#window in what he was up to since he hadnt seen him since he ran away at around 17#spoilers his dad is cake this is still connected to cake nonsense because everything in this world fucking does but the main boy himself#actually has no ties to cake or his activities so thats smth at least#but yeah long story short things get. real bad for my boy after the first few months of staying at this guy's place.#yknow how risa in the future was often used as a weapon of war using some unstable chemicals? yeah guess where that started.#mr daddy issue haver over here may understand that his dad is a bad person but evidently that doesnt stop him from being not much better#currently Im planning on having main boy escape eventually and get stuck in the non magic world where he meets april but that could change#it depends on if I want him to interact with the other stories going on at all or not#I probably wont but I would like to leave myself some wiggle room to let him meet more side characters#like (looks with big sad wet eyes) ginger maybe? please? please april? let me see your sister? that you havent seen in years? please?
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#yall been sleeping on burlesque its been my favourite movie since it fucking came out i watch it 2x a year at least#and now yall wanna come say its underappreciated and underrated gtfoutta here 🙄#like im not gatekeeping its a fucking fantsic movie i think everyone should watch it but dont u dare claim it was unloved before now#if burlesque has one fan its me and if burlesque has no fans im fucking dead ok and you can pry the dvd case from my corpses cold hands#because i definitely would have died cluthing it as a microphone and got a little too hardcore into tough lover and given me a heart attack#yall will forget it in a few months too and ill still go back multiple times a year to watch it over and over and over again#bitch i memorized this movie so hard i would play it in my head when i had tests at school and finished them early and had to stay seated#from the twangy guitar (if i ever leeft thiis town) and opening lines of '16.50 for you. 16.50 for me. Loretta im leavin“#to the end of 'i finished a song. think its pretty good 😅“ (can i hear it?) 'No. but you can sing it”#like idk this always happens to me almost everything i love becomes beloved more mainstream after a few years ago that i liked it#and tbf like its not just the mainstream everyone around me does my shit late. oh u found out i wanted to be a tattoo artist so now youre#enrolling in a tattoo course? of course! like it literally happens all the fucking time#but burlesque has a very special place in my heart and i will not tolerate people discovering it now saying it was an undiscovered gem b4#BITCH IVE LOVED IT FROM THE START AND I WILL NEVER STOP!!#personal#burlesque#fuck it ima rewatch it again today its been like 3 months since i saw it so its time again probably especially with the new buzz why not
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i really dont mean to be too uncomplaintive or anything but i do think id have a lot more to complain about about the rail system if i actually had anything better i wanted to be doing
#not that its not still fucking annoying or anything#sometimes i do really fucking hate it#and dont get me started on busses they dont even give your money back#but today like i dont really care im not particularly excited to get back for the new uni year#i mean like theres good parts and bad parts if being both at home and at uni#like overall im glad im a uni student so i can do both#but like after having done a year#even though i transferred unis half way through#i accepted the one close to home causr i wasnt sure id get another offer and it was easier but i wanted to live more on my own#but now ive already lived more on my own like i dont want to move back in with my parents or anything#but theres just nothing really exciting or worthwhile about going back to uni either#im on my own which is sort of nice at least some of the time but like ill have to do uni and theres no one to talk to whatever like#right now its all a bit blank like whatever i dont see the point even though when i got home i was like i want to go back to living alone#and today ive got to go to my new place but theres no rush and i dont care that much#also ill have new housemates but well just awkwardly say hi then ignore each other for the rest of the time as usual
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#the thing abt me is that if u complement me in an academic context i will melt#me walking into every interview: fuck this school. i dont wanna go there. im sad. on one is gonna want me. i can hardly function. fuck this#me walking out of every interview: fuck. the project is cool and they said nice things abt me 😭#fuck. the guy from the lab i interviewed with basically said if u wanna be here i can make it happen. i like ur style and i think ur a#super good candidate 😭 and he quoted my wanky writing bc i got a bit flowery and idealistic lol#and hes on the admissions committee so he was like: yea i can support u if u want just let me kno#and fucking hell the project is cool. but the thing is i think id have to be less of a sad sac bc i think he expects a lot and is hands off#but it is a big institution with a lot of creative ppl and theyre good abt supporting interdisciplinary work#so like the opportunities there would be pretty fucking great i think. hhhhhh god. theres no way i could take the uk one now#fuck. wtf am i gonna do abt that? do i bow out now before ive committed so they have a shot with another person#or is it too late for that bc they already put my name forward to the committee#god dammit. this was the one i was supposed to b like yea no shot am i getting this. and now im like fucking considering it like#the opportunities.... but id have to live in new jersey... it would b closer to home i guess. id b back on east coast time#and i could work with Yellowstone organisms. and i bet the classes r pretty fucking rad education wise#god. decisions. im gonna play Choices by the Hoosiers like a million times#thats what i did wjen i was deciding to go for undergrad. and then i didnt even decide. i was just like... well i dont wanna go to the#place all my classmates r going. i will go 3hrs away. then 12hrs by plane for my masters#fuck. at least it went well. everyone was nice and the 2nd guy i talked to was like:#even if u dont go here. email me if u end up working with zinc and i can help. and i was like 😭#i got a bit rambly with him but whatever he was 15min late so we're even lol#i was way too nervous. but it was ok. but also i dont understand wtf other incoming phd students r like??#like they say im a good candidate and ive got good background and im like ??? what sort of losers r u looking at if u think im good?#i just think maybe what i wanna do is unique and very specific so im like not trying to do just anything. i have standards lol#and apparently im more coherent than i give myself credit for. i talk good sometimes and i have enthusiasm when i dont feel like im dying#god. i was not expecting this. i dont belong at a school working with tech startups like wtf. i come from a place of slightly trash#universities lol. well my undergrad uni wasnt so bad... well i mean the city is the butt of a lot of ohio related jokes tho. im looking at#u klinger. fucking mean streets of toledo. whatever the school im at now is worse. couldnt even keep my boss here smh#anyway what the fuck. and i got a lotta writing done today what the fuck#me being competent???? unheard of. god. imagine if i had my shit together. i could kill god. algae and other scientists would fear me#unrelated
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