#they did it. they achieved what they thought was impossible but together they reached it

[juniemunie]

TEST DRIVE TEST DRIVE TEST DRI-

I have so many thoughts about this entire sequence, from the way Hiccup and Toothless get along to the MUSIC- (the music analysis is going to my tags)

.

But im gonna talk about Toothless pov again

I always think of this is like, the forbidden friendship scene for Toothless the way the actual forbidden friendship was for Hiccup

If Hiccup's scene was Toothless connecting to Hiccup through human things (sharing food, smiling, art and all that)

Then this scene is Toothless' because Hiccup connects with Toothless through flying, something I've always headcanoned to be what dragons (the ones that fly anyway) need not just to survive, but to live and bond with others.

if Hiccup's FF is the beginning of the potential then Toothless' FF is the "end", the moment where the potential is found and fulfilled, the thing that really solidifies their friendship because both has now experienced and accepted the other's unique sides

Just, yeah Toothless sees Hiccup just getting it, understanding why flying is so wonderful, hearing him cheer and whoop in joy like a fledgling's first time in the air, and seeing him at the end instinctively understand what to do-

Like that sudden spin near the end of the sea pillars- and both of them looked surprised they even managed to do that together instinctively- when just a few minutes ago Hiccup couldnt even dodge the two very obvious sea pillars in the beginning

He looks up at this human, this strange clever, brilliant little human who has somehow made this even possible, who has broken every preconception he has, who is now flying with him with a dragon's instinct but baring his teeth in that human way of expressing joy, screaming something he could not parse perfectly in his dragon tongue but understood the meaning all the same.

"We did it."

[monzamash]

my side of the sofa — lando norris

rating – mature (language, sexual references) requested for✨monzamusings✨ inspired by the kooks' sofa song – and i kinda want to continue this lil story... lmk what you think x

lando was the andy to your april, the tom to your zendaya – on paper there was no logical reason why your dynamic worked, polar opposites in almost every way. he was sunshine personified, wildly charming and devilishly handsome. he was the kind of guy who wore his heart on his sleeve, staunchly loyal with a smile brighter than the stars he swore you hung in the night sky.

in contrast, you walked on the darker side of life; a little mysterious, quietly confident and self assured but humble, generous and effortlessly beautiful but to some, you were intimidating – always kind and caring but scary until those impenetrable walls that had been iron clad from birth started to come down.

somehow lando norris had achieved what most thought was impossible.

it started small with knowing smiles and inside jokes – my god, you had jokes for days! and he laughed at every single one, without fail. wild curls thrown back and smile lines crinkled together, creating a jigsaw you desperately wanted to piece together. you loved in his dry british sense of humour – dark, macabre jokes sprinkled with tasteful sarcasm that he saved just for you. on paper, you couldn’t make sense of it, how your heart felt safe with someone so different to you.

“you know that giving a guy a key to your apartment means things are getting serious right? like, way more serious than a stupid label…”

lando stood in your kitchen, patiently brewing you a cup of tea – strong and dark with the tiniest dash of milk, just the way you liked it, while you scrounged around in the cupboards for the shortbread you bought on a whim just in case you had visitors, though rare it did happen from time to time. why the fuck did I put them up there, you muttered under your breath. lando placed down the teaspoon he’d been drumming on your countertop and came to your rescue, his warm hand resting on you lower back as he reached up beside your head and plucked the shortbread from the top shelf with ease.

“short arse.”

“prick.” you quipped back, snatching the delicious snack from his hand and skipping away.

“and to answer your question – no, i don’t think giving you a key means anything but being smart because it saves me having to come all the way down here to unlock the door for you... because you're here allll the time,” your drawling tone earned a pinch to the ribs as you launched onto the sofa, lando following closely behind.

“i’m here all the time because you call me, miss ‘i’m scared of the dark and need a big, strong man to look after me’,” lando mocked in a high pitched voice, causing you to scoff into the hot cup of tea nestled in your hands.

“big feels generous…”

a shocked expression swept across lando’s face – eyebrows raised as he playfully brushed off your burn, “ooh does it now?” his attitude turning cocky in the blink of an eye.

“i don’t think that’s how you felt last week in monaco – just saying,” he shrugged before taking an exaggerative sip from his mug, your eyes suspiciously narrowed but the smile itching the corners of your mouth threatened to give you away.

“admit it.”

"no way!”

“come oooon, admit that i’m big or i’m not watching vanderpump with you.”

lando quickly grabbed the remote control from the coffee table in the midst of his ultimatum and held it above his messy head of curls as you carelessly shuffled into his tracksuit-clad lap, determined to take back what belonged to you.

“don’t you dare threaten me, norris – i have so much dirt on you so you do not want to push me…” you couldn't be serious if you tried.

"all the dirt you have on me includes you, my sweet girl so do your worst,” he taunted with a whisper, his smug smile making your eyes roll.

he had no idea who he was dealing with.

“three words; facetime in singapore… or maybe you need me to re-jog your memory?” lando’s face dropped in disbelief, dragging his bottom lip between his two front teeth at the memory but as he peered into your playful eyes, a dubious scoff puffed from his mouth.

"pfft, you wouldn’t do it…”

“oh baby,” you mocked, hands pressed to his tight chest as you settled into his lap, eliciting a groan when you looked down at him, “try me and find out..”

lando's eyes fluttered shut for a millisecond as his head lulled back in defeat, placing the remote on your side of the sofa, “you win.”

“i always win.”

lando softly hummed, tilting his head with a smirk, “nah ‘cause after all that, who’s side of the sofa are you on?” the proud smile lit up his handsome face and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at how goofy and beautiful he looked admiring his handy work.

“so you see, i win. and maybe you can too.”

“oh, i’m definitely winning.” you leaned in with a smile and pressed a firm kiss to his perfect lips, melting into his touch. the one thing you knew for sure was that you could kiss him all day, every day, maybe for the rest of your life.

lando was the first to come up for air, eyes blurry and heart shaped while you took a couple more seconds to return to the real world, begrudgingly opening them to see the sweetest human being staring right back. the sigh he exhaled was so deep that it reverberated through your bones, worrying you a little until his hands brushed down your sides and the smile etched on his face remained.

“why are you being such a chicken about us being together?”

“i’m not being a chicken, i’m just being realistic,” you whispered, desperately wanting to change the subject, “... your eyes look really pretty.”

lando chuckled, “i know they are so why don’t you want to wake up to them every morning and tell me that, huh? because i wanna do that.”

“tell yourself that you have pretty eyes?”

it was lando’s turn to eye roll and plant a soft smack to your backside, “such a smartarse.”

“you love it.”

“yeah i do and i love you sooooo…” lando nudged gently, searching for an answer that would ease his fear of losing you.

“soooo…” you mimicked but quickly shied away from his intense gaze, “i’m in love with you too, you dumbarse but we’re weird and so different to one another and i feel like people aren't going to understand us and ruin everything... what do you think?”

you hadn't even realised that you'd started chewing through the black varnish on your nails until lando gently grasped your wrist and laced his fingers with yours. he sighed and kissed the back of your hand – the pause in conversation gave him time to gather his thoughts while the circles he drew into your palm with the pad of his thumb calmed your racing mind.

lando answered hundreds of questions every day but he was struggling to think of a time when his response to a question held this much meaning. actions meant everything to you, and he couldn't wait to hold your hand in public and not be afraid of getting caught sneaking kisses in the paddock when the two of you were meant to be working, but words were a good place to start.

“what i think is that we love each other, yeah? and what i know is that i don't give a shit what other people think because you're fucking hot and i love being weird with you, my scary little angel of death,” he teased, tickling your sides until tears ran down your cheeks and you succumbed to his embrace, face buried in his neck.

“i love being weird with you too.”

shout out to mar (@percervall) for the prompt! more writing...

[thelostconsultant]

Stay with me

pairing: Max Verstappen x shifter!reader

summary: The end of your agreement is getting closer, but Max doesn't want you to leave. You have your doubts about a relationship with him, so you want to go.

part two

There was a knock on your door, but not a single cell in your body wished to open it. You had been in your room for most part of the day, focusing on work instead of the quiet drama in this household, and so far it helped to avert your thoughts. Despite asking several times, you still didn't know why Max had been so grumpy lately.

He didn't even want you to sleep next to him, and sometimes he closed his door as a sign that you should keep out. So you locked yourself into your room and became a workaholic again, spending hours and hours doing the job you once loved so much. Because ever since you moved in, work became a nuisance, something you were expected to do.

He knocked again, and this time he didn't stay quiet. “I need to talk to you, could you come out?” he asked, his voice sounding strange. Sad, or maybe disappointed.

With a sigh, you went out to meet him in the awkward silence that settled between you the moment you stopped in front of him. He took a deep breath to prepare himself, then reached out to cup your cheek, his thumb absentmindedly drawing gentle circles.

“What will happen after the race?”

“I guess I'll move back home,” you replied quietly.

Max nodded as he nervously licked his lips. “And what if you didn't? Why don't you stay with me?” His voice was dripping with desperation, and his eyes were silently pleading to make you change your mind.

It was heartbreaking, partly because you hated seeing him like this, and partly because at the bottom of your heart you didn't want to leave him alone. But having no idea which you was the one he liked more made things complicated.

When he realized you weren't about to answer, he leaned closer to you, his gaze so intense you were afraid it would burn a hole in your head. “I love you. I need our evenings on the couch when you fall asleep next to me, and I need you there in my bed to sleep well. Stay with me and give me a chance to prove we would be good together. Please.”

You had to remind yourself that it's impossible to fully get to know someone after just a few weeks. Yes, you liked the version of him you spent time with, but it was just the two of you here. You didn't go out together, you didn't meet his friends, he stayed with you ninety percent of the time, and so you had no idea what you would have to face in the long run.

Your train of thought was interrupted when you felt his hand move to the back of your neck so he could pull you closer for a kiss, and when you automatically returned it, he pushed your back against the wall to trap you there. He was seemingly hell-bent on making you weak in the knees, even managing to get a lustful moan out of you when his fingers tightened around you throat a little.

Why did he have to make things hard for you? Why couldn't he let it go and look for someone else? Someone who would be more comfortable with the idea of living under a microscope thanks to him.

When he finally pulled away a little, you flashed a sad smile at him. “One last weekend, Max. That's all I can offer,” you told him. Did it hurt to say this? Sure. But you didn't want the changes in your life that he would bring around. You wanted to remain a normal girl, you wanted to be known for what you achieved, not for being the girlfriend of one of the best drivers of your time.

For long seconds he watched you in silence, but eventually he nodded and let go of you. “If you don't want to come with me, it’s okay. You can go home anytime,” he told you before heading to his room, leaving you there to think about whether or not it was a good idea.

You had known he was attracted to you since day one, after all he told you he wanted to kiss you back then. But you wanted to stay true to the agreement that brought you here, you didn't want complications, so you kept a certain distance as long as you could. He made it hard, but you managed quite well. Or so you thought.

Going with him after this conversation would have been awkward, you knew that. The only thing you could do now was packing your things and leaving as soon as you could, hoping he would be over you soon. He deserved to be happy, but he should be happy with someone else.

You: I guess you need some alone time so I don't want to bother you. But I'm leaving. Thanks for everything, and good luck for the weekend.

You put down your phone and went back to closing your suitcase, not expecting a response to your message. But then, a mere half a minute later, there was an unmistakable beep that filled the room.

Max: I'm not okay with you leaving and not coming with me after all, but fine, I'll respect your decision. I hope one day you'll tell me why you can't love me.

Did he really believe you couldn't love him? You decided to keep a distance, but it didn't mean you hadn't fallen in love with him along the way. With a groan, you left your suitcase behind and moved over to his room, knocking on the door and waiting for his response with your heart pounding fast in your chest. You heard his invitation, so you went inside and climbed into his bed without saying a word.

Max looked surprised, but he didn't say a word, only watched you patiently, waiting to see what your plan was. And you didn't stop, you climbed on top of him and leaned down to cup his face. “Don't you ever think that I can't love you. I do,” you told him softly before giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“Then why are you leaving?” he asked you hoarsely.

“Being with you would draw attention to me too every time people saw us together. I'm not ready for that,” you explained sadly as you began to place kisses along his jawline. If you were about to part, at least you could make your last evening together memorable.

Max captured your lips as his hands began to explore your body, and he apparently decided to take the lead from you when he flipped you around so he would be on top now. You expected him to say something, but the most you got was a deep growl when he slid his hand under your panties and felt how wet you were for him already.

Sex was great, but there was a chance of staying for good if you spent too much time in his arms, this is why you slowly peeled him off yourself and tried to get out of bed to collect your clothes. But he didn't let you, he just pulled you closer if that was even possible.

“You know I'd tell people who come after you to fuck off, right? I wouldn't let anyone make you sad,” he told you.

“I know.”

“Then stay. I'll protect you.”

You turned around to face him and he took this chance to kiss you again, making you giggle like some idiot. It was so tempting to agree, to stay here with him and enjoy the way he spoiled you with his attention. You let out a sigh as you watched him, your eyes exploring his face as if you were trying to memorize every little detail before leaving. Maybe that's what was happening. Maybe your brain had subconsciously already made this decision for you.

Max probably knew what you were thinking about, and his next words confirmed your suspicion. “We could have so many more nights like this. Just you and me, in the safety of our home. And you wouldn't have to come to every race weekend, only a few important ones if you felt like it,” he tried to convince you.

After a few seconds of silence, you reached for his hand to lace your fingers. “This is your home race this weekend. Must be important,” you began slowly, earning a nod from him, which was soon followed by a boyish smile. “If I receive one hateful comment, I'm out.”

“Noted,” Max said with a laugh before pulling you on top of him. You kissed him again, fingers tangled in his hair as you finally began to let yourself go. “I love you, kitten.”

You smiled at him as you rested your forehead against his, eyes locked the whole time. “I love you too, you maniac.”

[uptondixon]

Give me everything tonight - Dante Torres x Intelligence Officer!Reader

During a late-night conversation in the locker room, you and Dante succumb to the feelings that are buried deep inside your hearts.

Word count: 1263

Characters: Dante Torres x You, Trudy Platt & Hank Voight

Warnings: Making out. They're horny. There's no actual smut tho.

“Dante,” you whispered.

“Yeah?” he answered in the same tone, his breath coming directly into your face. Shivers spread across your body and fog clouded over your mind. He was so close, you were not touching but his presence was so strong. You cannot help but want to touch him.

Dante's not any different, in fact, he is sure he has been dreaming about your touch for far longer than you could ever imagine. He has never been so close to you before. The fact that he could take another step closer and the distance between you would be nonexistent makes his hands shake lightly. 

How did you two end up in this position? Almost pressed together against the wall of the locker room in the precinct. Looking directly into each other's eyes and longing to finally feel the other’s touch. 

What is happening right now is nothing but months of pent-up feelings finally running free. You and Dante clicked instantly. When you first met in front of Platt’s desk, his eyes lit up like two full moons. He was a calm and collected guy, it was rare for someone to make him lose control of himself. The state of control he fought so hard to achieve. But there you are. Simply existing and still making him a mess of shiny eyes, shy smiles, and impure thoughts. He never met someone so stunning, someone who had power over him with just a look. 

You stared back at the man before you, vaguely registering Platt mention the name of the new addition to Intelligence. ‘Officer Torres’. Even his name sounds pretty, you thought. He was exactly what you always thought a handsome man should be. Your mind does nothing but put you in trouble with all the dirty thoughts clouding your senses. Thoughts of him. Only him.

“We cannot,” you said, louder this time. By changing the tone, you expected to break the atmosphere that had built itself around the room, but it was impossible at that point.

Keeping eye contact with him, you said, “You know how Voight feels about in-house relationships, and after what happened with Hailey and Jay…” 

“Don't. Don't discourage this, Y/n,” he said, his voice still low. “I get what you're saying, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to care.” 

“Dante!” 

“For real, I just can't. Don't you see it?” his eyes grow bigger in exasperation. “I want you.”

Three words. Three damn words. They start floating around your head like a drug being injected into your body and messing with your sanity. Your body reacts to him more intensely now, your hands slowly reaching for his but never actually getting there. 

“I always wanted you, mi amor,” he said, moving his arms to the wall behind you, his biceps invading your line of vision, and the first thing you do is reach for each arm with your hands, feeling his skin. Your body and mind slowly losing the control to stop yourself.

“Fuck you, Torres,” you said in a huff. For a second there you truly hated him. You hated him for being so damn hot for absolutely no reason, making this even harder for you.

That drew a chuckle out of him, “What?” he said with a smile still on his face. You stared back at him and he felt like he could melt right then and there. All the nights he spent awake thinking about you. Thinking about every single thing that makes you the woman of his dreams. Every thought he ever had of you led him to this moment.

“Kiss me, Y/n,” he said so softly that it almost sounded like a request. His eyes left yours for the first time since he backed you up on that wall, instead focusing on your lips. 

You felt your hands start to shake and your heartbeat rise. You were just getting ready to leave for the night, how the hell did the conversation you both shared about the day's work end up like this? 

Suddenly, your mind was consumed by just one thought: fuck it. Fuck the rules. He wanted you. 

He wanted you and that is all you needed to hear to convince yourself to finally close the distance between your lips. 

Dante's lips were exactly what you expected, so soft and warm. His hands instantly left the wall and held your body close, your hands flying to the back of his head.

The kiss destroyed any second thought or insecurity Dante ever felt about being with you, it felt so right to finally have you. Thoughts of not being enough or not doing the right thing seemed impossible now that he tasted you. 

You could not remember the last time your mind did not wake you up in the morning with thoughts of him. Kissing his lips felt like long overdue and neither of you could stop now.

What started with a rough touch of lips grew into a battle for control. Tongues meeting each other, looking for dominance. A bite here and there, accompanied by a softer peck to ease the pain. You both followed this ritual over and over again, not even thinking about where you were or what you were doing.

Hands were flying everywhere, to feel hair, neck, shoulders, and pretty much anything else they could reach. It was all becoming too much. You both were sweating and panting but did not show any signs of stopping.

One special scratch of nails on his shaved head made Dante snap, breaking the contact with your lips. He reaches for your thighs, lifting you up with ease. Your legs instantly wrapped around him and you both suddenly stayed still, enjoying the sensation of being in each other's arms.

You fit so perfectly in his arms and Dante felt like he could hold you forever.

However, you both realized where you were, your senses coming back for a moment. 

“We need to get out of here, amor,” he said, still holding you firmly. If you did not leave now Dante would take you right here and you sure would not complain.

Your hands caressed his head, smiling at him in response, “We do D, right fucking now.”

He smiled so big you could count every tooth in his mouth. You both started laughing and he put you back on the ground.

Smiles, intertwined hands, hearts full of love, and bodies full of desire. That's how you both left the district that night. 

Thankfully, you did not meet anyone on your way out. It was late and the difficult case they solved that day had sent everyone rushing home to rest. 

Rest. Something you and Dante would not be having tonight, and everyone who set eyes on you at that moment could see that. But no one did, thank God.

But it was not like they did not know already. It would be anything but a surprise for your friends and coworkers.

“Well damn. So much for no in-house relationships, right Hank?” Platt said laughing after you and Dante walked up to Intelligence after first being introduced to each other.

Hank ran a hand across his face, eyeing the stairs you both went up seconds ago. You literally just met, what the hell? He never has a moment of peace.

“If you ask me, this is all your fault, Hank," Platt said with a taunting smile, she loves teasing him about this ongoing Intelligence situation. “You always choose such perfect partners, they can't help but sleep with each other.”

Voight groans, “For goodness sake.”

I was hit with inspiration for my man, isn't he delicious? I love how this one came out! Feel free to reblog, like, and share your thoughts <3 Btw we need more Dante Torres fics!

[blarefordaglare]

The Motivational Fight Fic

Some LUFAU crack (but treated seriously) to motivate my good friend @kikker-oma to make the Sky V. Time comic (healthy motivation, not pressure motivation just to make this clear. It would be very hypocritical, and rude of me to do that)

or I stole your idea, cracked and angsted it at the same time, and giving it back because theft is bad.

oh and TW swearing, kinda blood but not really it’s like mentioned once, and like some family fighting

Oh this is also pre LU when all of them come together, so this is only Sky, Four, and Time (I separate them timeline wise in the beginning, before it breaks, then I take some creative liberties. But it is just these three)

BONUS: SPOT THE NEGATIVE COPING STRATEGIES! THERE’S THREE I TRIED TO IMPLY BECAUSE THERE IS ONE EACH OTHER(well not really for Time)

___

Sky trusted the old man. Out of all his future incarnations, the Hero of Time seemed the wisest. The way his eyes bore a hidden sadness that was warped and shaped into maturity proved his thoughts right. The green on the other’s wings was calming, and the design shown a satisfactory, full life, not a cheerful one. 

His wings, on the other hand, bore a bright red with youth. He wasn’t quite sure why all (if not, most) Skyloftians achieved wings after descending to Hyrule; He had his theories though. Perhaps it was due to the fact Hylia would need to find a hero again, and the flashy color would alert her against the vast world of-

Right. Back to Time. If there was one thing he knew about the color green, it clashed with red. 

“Benched?! Why?” 

Time pinched the bridge of his nose, Sky could sense the telltale signs of exhaustion coursing through his veins, yet he didn’t really care. It wasn’t fair, so why should he feel empathy? “For the last time, Sky,” He lifted his head back up, one of his eyes still half lidded, a trait he noticed form when he first met the man, “You’re not being benched. There’s stuff you don’t know yet, that-“ He hesitated.

“Smith,” the shorter quickly whispered back, giving a faux-apologetic look to the chosen hero.

“That Smith and I do know, and that’s okay, but-“ 

“But I want to come too. I want to know now.” One thing he would never admit is that, ironically, he hated secrets. Not that killing a god and cursing his home was that big of one-it was quite minuscule probably. Most likely. They wouldn’t know. “It’s not fair if you’re gonna leave me out. Plus, you may need me,” the frustration in his body fizzed towards his tongue, “You’re back gives out quite a bit, I can tell.” 

“That was completely uncalled for, especially for an arrogant child like yourself.”

The chosen hero raised his foot to step back, but last minute decided to go forward. He made sure to ignore the resulting fumble, “Arrogant?! As if you would know the difference. You probably can’t tell a pumpkin from a bird.” 

“Guys…” the Smith hastily stepped in between the two, holding his arms out as a barrier, “Let’s not fight.” 

The following, loud, “No!” did not help ease the tension. He took a step back, a sense of being overwhelmed shooting through him and begging to be forgotten. Maybe he should forge new weapon, just in case if another hero came along who didn’t have one. 

“You probably should watch your tongue, you know what happens to children who talk back.” 

The way Time’s wings pulsed when he emphasized the c-word was enough to fuel the Skyloftian’s own fury. It was as if the red in his wings was growing, spreading up his neck and to his face, hardening it with Hylian anger. 

“Bitch, YOU SHOULD WATCH YOUR FACE!” He reached his hands out, the rapid motion making it impossible for even him to see, “I will fucking KILL YOU. I have the GODDESS on my side, beat that!” 

“I’M MARRIED TO A WOMEN WHO COULD SKEWER THE GODDESS AND COOK HER FOR DINNER, YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL.” 

“I NEVER SAID I WAS, STOP ASSUMING THINGS OF ME!” His arms reached out again, grabbing the metal plating on Time’s humerus, gripping it with his fingernails until they bent over, blood pooling on the edges from stress, yet he continued the relentless grip. He tried to push him down, yet the heavy metal kept him balanced on his feet. 

The smith didn’t even try to engage anymore, it was probably fine. He looked over to the cave in the distance, the one that was supposed to lead him and time to the forest. He wondered what was out there. 

Time’s next words were surprisingly… calm? No, that wasn’t the right word. They were sharp, yet quiet, “Let go of me, Sky.” The look on his eyes bore disappointment, the open lid slightly lowering, along with his jaw locking in a neutral expression, “You’re acting out.” 

Sky stared into those eyes (or rather, eye) for a second, attempting to nonverbally induce the challenge, yet the man wouldn’t back down. With a grumble, he forcefully released the grip, slapping his arms down to a resting position. 

His eyes still didn’t look fine, the older  could notice. He looked over to the smith, motioning for him to come, yet he couldn’t just leave him like this. It would be cruel. He deserved a chance at calming down, so when he comes back they could talk.

Digging into his pouch, he found some candy, a recipe Malon created herself from some local honey she came across at the market. He hoped a handful would be enough to suffice the boy, “Here, it tastes good, you’ll feel better, I promise.” He gave an awkward smile, then quickly walked off back into the cave.

Sky may have never learned the sword-splitting events that happened in that forest, but he didn’t need to. He was okay now, but his nails hurt. 

[matchsumu]

Lost

description: now that he’s lost you, winning means nothing

genre: angst to open ending (i cannot commit to angst, it’s just too sad)

warnings: anxiety, substance use as a coping mechanism

Kageyama Tobio knew that he had grown up too soon when it was too late;

when smiles were rare to come by, and never managed to reach his eyes; when he pushed everyone that he loved away (because people can’t leave you if they’re already gone); when his determination to succeed turned into an obsession. 

Kageyama Tobio knew that he had lost himself when even you couldn’t find him. 

You weren’t there to will the clouds away, so he stayed in the shadows- but he deserved it. 

He had lost his guide, his one way out of the dark abyss his mind had become- only it was his fault.

Part of him wanted to chase after you, to apologize for what he had done, even though he had promised himself that he would never neglect you; but he did. He deserved to be locked away in the hell that he had created for himself. He didn’t deserve your compassion but even so, he longed for it. 

He wanted to slump into your arms like he used to and have you hold him tightly, humming softly. He wanted your fingers in his hair. He wanted his hands in yours- they had always fit so perfectly together. He wanted to make you smile, even if it was only a slight quirk of the corner of your mouth. 

Kageyama Tobio wanted to be a kid again. He wanted to be happy; back when his grandfather was still alive, back when you still loved him.

Kageyama Tobio wanted nothing more than to want nothing. 

You had always told him that his determination was one of his greatest strengths, but how could it do him any good if his determination for volleyball was the reason he lost you? 

He thought he had gotten better, really he did. His time at karasuno helped him outgrow his King Mentality, and you couldn’t have been more proud of him;

but good things don’t last forever. 

Why did he stay late practicing all those nights? Why did he leave you alone in your shared apartment? if he had been better then maybe-

------

You had made his favorite food the day that you left. He had come home to the lights off- it was always dark when he got home- you were probably in bed. Everything felt normal until he saw the note on the table, next to a cold bowl of pork curry. Happy Anniversary! was scribbled out and replaced with i’m leaving. 

Kageyama Tobio was a proud man- it was difficult not to be prideful as a professional athlete; but he was beginning to see the fault in this as well. 

Playing for the Schweiden Alders was a massive accomplishment. He wanted to make you proud so he worked himself to the bone, day and night at practice; but you each took pride in different things. Kageyama believed that he needed to be the best setter, and if he couldn’t achieve this, all of his hard work would be wasted. Whereas your pride resided within an accumulation of memories. shared happiness made your heart swell. His volleyball career only mattered to you because it mattered to him. you didn’t ask for this life, yet he had forced it onto you.

He had been selfish.

His determination propelled him forwards but he didn’t know how to slow the blades. Little by little, the spinning metal chipped away at his mind until he had lost the very essence of himself. He couldn’t slow down, and in doing so Kageyama Tobio had lost the one person in his life that kept him sane. 

The effects were almost immediate. His heart slowed but his mind moved at an impossible speed. He was desperately trying to keep himself from falling apart, fighting an uphill battle against his own mind. Countless nights, his thoughts were dedicated to you and what ifs. 

What if he had been on time that night?

What if he had worked harder? There had to be a way he could have both, right?

But the question that plagued his mind the most frequent:

What if he just wasn’t good enough?

And that’s what it really came down to, his pride; because Kageyama Tobio was always good enough. He put in the effort required- and more- everyday at practice. He worked his way up from the bottom to be one of the best setters in all of Japan, so how did he lose with you?

But mixed within the bewildered feeling that consumed his mind, Kageyama knew that it was only a matter of time. He knew exactly why you were leaving him, and as much as he wanted to chase after you, he knew you deserved better. 

-----

Even so, it sickened him how well he was playing. His first official game back was a few weeks after you had left and he had never played better. his body moved in the way he had worked so hard to train it to; every step was polished to perfection and the footwork came as naturally as breathing. Until after a particularly impressive service ace, Kageyama’s eyes glanced across the seat that was always reserved for you, only to find someone else sitting in it and that empty feeling in his chest grew a little bigger.

You were really gone. Maybe part of him had thought that you didn’t really mean it- like this was the same as your other arguments where you’d finally come around back to him. Panic began to build up in his throat and his mind clouded over. 

Had he even called you? 

Kageyama wiped his hands on his jersey in an attempt to dry them off. It felt like he was moving in slow motion as he walked back to the service line; jaw tightening into iron, leaving him unable to respond to Hoshiumi’s concerned question, settling for a stiff nod instead.

His joints had stiffened and his body felt too tense, but there was nothing he could do about it, only a spectator trapped in his mind, forced to watch the mechanical cyborg he had become go through the motions.

The referee’s whistle- which normally brought his mind into focus- made his body jolt and he couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling inside of him.

The ball was suddenly up in the air, a perfect, high toss; and his shoes squeaked against the gym floor: right, left, right, left. The contact was solid enough to feel his brain rattle inside his skull;

Another ace.

And as the crowd cheered his name, Kageyama Tobio hoped that somewhere, someone noticed that something was wrong with him. 

Help me.

------

The vodka burned as it slid down his throat, but he didn’t care- in fact he welcomed the feeling; at least he was feeling something.

It was dark in the apartment. Kageyama refused to turn the lights on ever since you had left. He didn’t need to be reminded how empty everything was without you. 

That’s what he told you, in one of his seven voicemails that he had drunkenly left before passing out on the couch.

He didn’t remember what had happened when he had woken up. After checking to see if there were any messages from you- there weren’t- he stumbled to get ready for practice. 

------

This became his new routine. play a match, drink to forget his problems, leave you embarrassing voicemails, and go to practice the next day.

Why did he push you away? He could feel that something was wrong, so why did he ignore it? Why did he have to be so selfish?

Kageyama Tobio was reminded of his fear of solitude. 

The silence was unbearable- suffocating. It came slowly, creeping up his chest and tightening around his neck; he was stuck in a constant state of asphyxiation and his mind had clouded over until you were the subject of every thought.

Had he always been this cold? Or had you just been there to pull his hands into yours and massage the warmth back?

Kageyama Tobio wasn’t sad, he was numb.

------

Schweiden Alders 24 vs Tachibana Red Falcons 23

The referee’s whistle was shrill in his ears and the crowd roared Kageyama's name as he made his way to the service line. 

One more, just one more and then he could be done.

Were you watching him? Before, even if you couldn’t make it to a match, you would still always watch the broadcasting. He hoped you were.

“Nice serve, Kageyama,” Ushijima encouraged, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

With a curt nod and another whistle from the referee, he tossed the ball high into the air and slammed it onto the other side of the court: an ace.

As the spectators cheered loudly and his team crowded around him excitedly, Kageyama Tobio couldn’t help but feel that none of this mattered if he was alone, without you by his side.

------

Hoshiumi wanted to go out to a bar to celebrate, but Kageyama just wanted to go home. He had opted for water tonight, sipping it slowly. It was cold outside and he was exhausted, Besides he normally celebrated with you and-

"Hi, Tobio."

His mouth went dry and he whirled around at the sound of your voice. What were you doing here? 

“You guys played well.” you looked normal, bundled up in a big puffer jacket. His eyes didn’t miss the necklace he got you a few years ago with his initials on it. 

“Did you enjoy the game?” Kageyama finally remembered how to speak.

“No, not really.” 

He knew that his mouth had fallen agape, but couldn’t manage to shut it. 

Of course you didn’t- why would he even ask you that? This was the first time he had seen you in a month and that was the first thing he said to you? 

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Huh?” the question sent his mind through another whirlwind.

“Well, you just looked really tense out there, that’s all.” you had said it so nonchalantly, it almost went over his head.

Every emotion Kageyama Tobio had felt since you left immediately pumped in his heart and spread through his veins, warming his body. You noticed. Of course you had noticed.

“I miss you.” his voice came out croaky, but he didn’t care. 

“I miss you too, Tobio.” your eyes softened and crinkled a little at the corners. You always made that face when you forced a smile.

Don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone, not again. 

He didn’t think that he would physically be able to handle it if you had turned up, only to disappear again.  

“Wanna grab coffee?”

“Isn’t it a little too late for caffeine?” Kageyama wished his soul would separate from his body so he could punch himself in the gut. Why would he even say that? Of course he wanted to go with you.

You snorted, “Doesn’t have to be coffee, dumbass. I just wanted to talk more, that’s all.”

“Tea sounds good.” His heart ached deep in his chest, but he wasn’t sure if it was from heartbreak or hope. Everything felt so normal, almost as if the past month never happened. How were you able to continue on with your life so easily? 

Did all those years that you had spent loving each other really mean nothing? 

Of course, you could throw that same question back at him. Kageyama hated himself. 

“Let’s get out of here then.” 

He nodded, quickly gathering his things. 

He would not mess this up– whatever this was or could be. 

[shkika]

Got any Headcanon backstory of how each iterator was named? Like, how did No Significant Harassment get his name? How did Five Pebbles get his name? Etc, etc. I'm curious what you think!

OHH what a fun ask to make up stuff on actually. Sure I have some headcanons. Iterator names are so so fun, because there's a lot you can do with them.

Different local groups could have themes perhaps on their names. Or perhaps their names are phrases or sayings or derive from them. I will go with each colony having their individual meaning for the iterator name.

Sliver of Straw- I've talked about her name extensively here! (x) Please check it out, because I LOVE her name. Basically means needle in a haystack + shortening it to SOS is genius. Just the best.

Looks To The Moon- I don't know if this is the most original take, but I do think her name has a lot of meaning especially if you take into account that she's one of the first or at least an extremely old iterator. I compare it to the landing on the Moon in a way even if it sounds silly. This impossible to reach place is now something well withing reach. Her name is to represent looking at opportunity at the impossible and striving to achieve it. Which can connect to.. well answering the impossible ascension question.

Five Pebbles- This is such a hard one for me. But since the game makes such strong parallels between those two. Making them opposites and such it makes sense to see that in their names. While Looks to the Moon's name is grand and aiming for high achievements. Five Pebbles' name could perhaps be about the smaller mundane things. Finding the solution in a little nook or cranny somewhere close to you. A place where you'd least expect it.

One name is to aim hight and strive for the impossible. The other is about staying low and finding the answer in the small things in life. Which is hilarious if you look at their actual characters. With FP making the bold dangerous decisions and experiments and LTTM vibing like a much more grounded character than him. I love those two.

No Significant Harassment- People find his name really weird which is amusing, because it's really not! To me at least. It can very simply mean "No real harm done". Which I think is probably the intention and it suits his funny guy personality quite a lot. In a way his name could mean peace! A fun hc I discussed with @creeket is that perhaps before NSH was built the colony was divided into four factions/houses that hated each other. The iterator was a reason for them to unite and work on something together which is what the four connected diamonds on his forehead represent.

Seven Red Suns- Okay this is one of the names I struggle the most with. My headcanons about SRS which I've mentioned before is that their colony is very religious and made them as an actual god, treating him as an actual all knowing god much muuch more than the other iterators are treated to the point Seven Red Suns has actual political power (which they really don't want to have). So I think their name is supposed to express how grand and impressive they are. Seven as in complete, perfect. Red is a royal, regal color and of course Suns further cementing their godhood. It makes me think of how the sun is often personified or given a deity to represent it. It can be a cruel leader that dries the land, but also give life and light.

Of course there's many ways to take it in completely different ways. Red stars if I'm not mistaken are the coldest.

Chasing Wind- I also really really like this iterator name. I like to imagine it as either one of two things or both. Chasing after something that is right in front of you yet just barely out of grasp. Like y'know the wind! Or your head is Chasing wind. Having an abundance of thoughts or ideas. Your imagination and creativity running wild and free like the wind!

Unparalleled Innocence- It's so on the nose haha. There is no buts or anything that is a direct opposite to her name in my headcanons. She's a very well meaning innocent person. She was the last iterator to be ever made and lacks a lot more context than the other. She was based of the concept of a child. Which of course children are known for their innocence and unique approach to the world.

[redpenship]

hi, due to major plot changes i have cut the following scene between eggman and starline from buzzsaw 2. i had a lot of fun writing it so i'm posting it on tumblr :)

--

At their next meeting, Starline expected to hear more about Ivo’s theory. Instead, he walked into a room with a wall-sized whiteboard and a question crawled across the top in marker: 

IF ALIENS EXIST, WHERE ARE THEY?

“Good research requires theory falsification. I am sure you were taught this in a research methods class, but I will go over it since you displayed an inability to use it in your paper,” Ivo began. He gestured to a table close to the board with a bin of erasable markers. “Grab a marker and come here. We are going to falsify mainstream academic dogma together.” 

Ivo was holding a red marker, so Starline took a blue one out of the bin for better contrast. He moved to stand beside the board and gave Ivo a doubtful look. “You want to falsify dogma?”

Below the question, Ivo wrote something else: 

Accepted Answer: All life in the universe resembles Earth. 

“This is the mainstream answer to the Fermi paradox. Humans used to imagine that alien life would exist in all kinds of different forms. Now, most people believe that life can only develop in extremely specific conditions, leading it to be a very rare phenomenon. Why did they come to that conclusion?”

“Terra and Earth are extremely similar to each other,” Starline answered. 

“Right. Sixty years ago, it was inconceivable that we could just waltz onto a planet and find the same flora and fauna as back on our home world. But we did, so we have found an answer to the paradox: all life is the same! Now, let’s look at yours.”

Starline’s Answer: Humans and Mobians descend from a common ancestor. 

Ivo turned to face him. “You believe that our planets have been touched by the same alien life form. This is supported by the same evidence as the mainstream theory, so we need to find a reason to prove why your theory is more correct than the other.” Ivo walked over to the left edge of the board and wrote a 1. in the corner. “We are going to think of alternate explanations that falsify the accepted answer but do not contradict your own. I will go first to help you see what I mean.” 

1. Space technology is impossible for most intelligent lifeforms. 

Ivo turned back to face him. "The Chaos Emeralds prevented Mobians from reaching anything close to space technology. If this is true for you, why not other civilizations as well?"

"Other life forms may exist, but they struggle to leave their planet," Starline observed. There could even be aliens with stable physics who couldn't build space technology due to physical limitations, such as a species of very smart snake-like creatures who couldn't build machines because they had no hands. Ivo was correct—there were many factors that contributed to humanity's ability to achieve spaceflight. What if those were more rare than alternative life forms?

Like Ivo, he decided to draw his first explanation from something they could observe between their two species. 

2. Scientific development destroys planets. 

“Development requires the exploitation of natural resources,” Starline explained. He rotated the marker in his fingers nervously as he felt the Doctor’s eyes on him. “Surely, not all species manage to leave their planet before it becomes uninhabitable. Humans may have been very lucky in that regard.”

Ivo hummed in thought. “I don’t know if I would say that science destroyed Terra, but let’s keep that as a generalization for what happened to humans there. It’s good enough.”

The next theory came from Ivo. 

3. Space travel is deadly. 

Out of fourteen interstellar voyages to leave Terra, only eight of them made it to their destination. This appeared to be a high survival rate on the surface, but if the destination had been unknown or farther away, it was possible that fewer of them would have made it as increased paranoia drove them to attack each other.

If this had happened to humans, it could have happened to other aliens, too. Maybe alien fleets killed each other in space more often than they travelled together peacefully. This would explain the lack of aliens flying around in space.

He came up with the next one. 

4. Colonization is not a norm. 

Starline held his breath as he waited for Ivo’s response. The human raised an eyebrow as he read it over. “Not a norm? Explain.” 

“Let’s say what humans did here isn’t normal,” Starline said. He struggled to find a way to elaborate. “Both of our planets have had empires and wars, but I’m not talking about imperialism. I mean actively looking for other planets to live on or exploit for resources.” 

“If an alien species is like humanity’s case on Terra, and presumably capable of long-term space travel, why would they not look for another planet?”

“You’re projecting your experience. The reason humanity came up with the idea of turning to space for a new planet is because you’re well-suited to survive in most climates.” Starline drew the outlines of Angel Island, the East Pacific cluster, and the United Federation. Inside, he shaded in territory until he hit the colder regions in the north, which he left blank. “This was the reach of the Knuckles Clan Empire at their peak. As you can see, they didn’t expand into regions with harsh winters. They had the warriors and resources needed to conquer smaller tribes in this area, but they couldn’t do it beause echidnas aren’t suited to survive in those environments. If you look at other historic Mobian empires, you’ll see that they never expanded beyond the climates they were adapted to. Humans can survive in a wide variety of climates—your ancestors could live anywhere on Terra. That isn’t true for Mobians. If we put Mobians in humanity’s position on Terra, I don’t think we would have tried to find a new planet. We don’t assume other places are suited for us.” 

After a moment, Ivo nodded. “I see. Thank you for correcting my human arrogance! I accept that some species may not find exploration as rewarding as we have.” 

It seemed as though they had fallen into taking turns, so Ivo made the next point. 

5. Some aliens preemptively eliminate other civilizations. 

“How much have you read about the voyagers?” Ivo asked.

Starline had never found history very interesting. “Not much.” 

“When they discovered intelligent life on this planet, the majority of them chose to spare you. However, a small group of them wanted to destroy you. They theorized that you would become more dangerous over time; it was clear you had no technology and would be helpless at first, but what about the future? What if you became vengeful over what we did to you? Once the technological gap between us closed, you would become a bigger threat to humanity. Do you think they may be proven correct in the future?”

He stared at the drawing of Angel Island on the board. “They already were. If humans governments weren’t scared of Mobians, they wouldn’t have signed the Convention on Cohabitation.” 

“Great observation! The islands exist to pacify you. By splitting you up and sending you to isolated territories all over the world, humans have ensured that you will remain weak and dependent on their assistance for survival. This makes it very difficult for the islands to assert their sovereignty.” Ivo leaned over and erased the territory drawings with his hand. “Let’s apply these concepts outward. If another alien race approaches this planet with the intent of being allies, will anyone welcome them with open arms?”

“No. No one assumes aliens have good intentions."

“Let’s say Earth and these aliens both had the weapons necessary to destroy each other. As we learned more about each other, do you think we would eventually use them?”

Starline bit his tongue in thought. The Earth’s experience with alien invaders had rendered it wary of other aliens. If Earth and another alien civilization came to know of each other’s existence, the aliens would eventually learn the planet’s history with other alien civilizations. This would make them worry about how Earth perceived them, regardless of Earth’s true feelings on the matter. Naturally, Earth would already be concerned over how the aliens believed Earth perceived them. The aliens would deduce this thought process eventually and worry that Earth believed that the aliens’ perception of the Earth’s perception of the aliens was hostile. The aliens would respond by fearing that the Earth’s perception of the aliens’ perception of the Earth’s perception of the aliens was also hostile. They would lose all ability to trust one another. And then they would enter a race to destroy the other civilization before they had a chance to strike first. 

The anwer to Ivo’s question was now obvious. “We would destroy each other,” Starline said. 

He thought over Earth’s invasion dynamic. As Ivo had said, one of the reasons humans spared Mobians was because their technological inferiority rendered them incapable of defending themselves. If aliens were concerned about their perceptions of each other, a way to relieve that anxiety would be to exclusively enagage with alien civilizations that did not possess the means to eliminate them. So, perhaps . . .

Starline pushed his marker against the whiteboard. 

6. Aliens only interact with technologically inferior civilizations. 

Ivo stared at the suggestion with an intense expression. His typical bemused aura was gone, and he appeared more serious than Starline had ever seen him. 

“Then we cannot allow ourselves to be inferior . . .” Ivo muttered. 

--

an: ty for reading!!! <3333

[vclvetfleur]

Obedient Chapter 1

roman roy x fem! reader

Summary: After college you hadn't been able to land a job. You hadn't even been able to book a single interview. After spending a night with your old college roommate, you see how lavish her life has been after becoming Kendall Roy's assistant. After a long night of helping her move in, she offers to help you out. She unsure of what exactly she might be getting you into with getting you an interview at Waystar Royco. But it was better than being unemployed.

Warnings: Degrading and implied drug abuse

Word Count : 3.6k

Notes: AHHHH I finally wrote a chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Chapter 1: The meeting

You laid flat on the new couch your college friend had gotten. “Jess, Jesus fuck, when is this thing coming?” you whined, shooting back up to look her way with a pouty lip. She had been bent under her television to figure out how to exactly plug in her Amazon TV stick. Jess’ new job had afforded her the luxury of not just a new couch, but a new television, new coffee table, new bed and a brand new apartment. If you could even call this place an apartment. It was giant. Jess truly got lucky, at least that’s what you always thought. You had to be lucky if you saw how Jess and you were back in college, stealing and flirting your way just to feed yourselves or feed into your lifestyles. You had even convinced a man to pay for your wardrobe once.

“I don’t know, I’m not the tracker now am I?” she spewed out in annoyed tone. “Can you just help me? Shine a light or something.”

You hopped off the couch and grabbed your phone from the glass top coffee table. You waddled over and turned the flash on. After watching the few attempts of her trying to squeeze her hand into the right angle of the HDMI bit, your anxiousness reached a level of annoyance.

“Just let me.” You huffed before grabbing it and tilting your head to attempt to do what she had, failing just the same.

“I told you! It’s fucking impossible.” She laughed.

“You should’ve done this before hooking up the tv.”

“Oh wow, cause I really thought plugging this in was going to be so hard. Shut up.”

“AHH!” You shouted in excitement. You hopped up and down and revealed your hand from under the tv and clapped your hands together with the phone in-between them as the flash shined on the wall. “I did it! I did it!” You giggled. You pulled the cable down and plugged it into the outlet before rushing back to the couch. You grabbed the remote and turned the television on. You continued to gloat on your achievement.

“Yeah yeah, enough. Let me see when the pizzas almost here.” She grabbed her own phone, swiping through it to find the time estimate.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

Her phone was constantly buzzing. “Is that the pizza? Is the driver lost?” You questioned. Jess’ face had dropped a while ago. Ever since she had picked her phone up. It was her boss. She absolutely despised the job. That wasn’t true. She didn’t despise it. She was just constantly worried. She was constantly worrying about her boss, Kendall Roy. She was his assistance. And he never understood the boundaries of the job.

“No, it’s just work.” Her lip twitched on the side to show some kind of pity. But pity for who? Kendall? Was he in some kind of issue again? Or for you? For ruining the night. “Just ignore it” You shrugged.

“That’s why you’re unemployed” She joked. Your jaw dropped as your hand fell on top of your chest as if you’ve been shot. “Ouch” You said sarcastically.

“No, no I’m sorry. It’s just, I just don’t think you’d understand.” She quickly tried to recover. But she was right. You didn’t understand. You don’t understand what Jess’ job really consisted of. She had a lot to deal with. While you, regardless of being unemployed, you didn’t have to go score drugs for your ex drug addicted billionaire boss. You had just graduated college, same with Jess, but you thought Jess was lucky. She just left college and she was already involved in such a high profile, high paying job. She went from a dorm room to a studio in Brooklyn to a 2 bedroom penthouse in Manhattan because it was a fasted commute to her job. And because her job could afford for her to even pay for it.  While you couldn’t even land an interview. You were just hopping from one job listing to the next. But thankfully you did have a fund to help you pay for your way for just a couple more months.

Jess found this job in the oddest way. You actually met up with her the night after it happened. She had been working for a restaurant when she met the Roy’s. And Kendall had just fired his assistant over the restaurant they were just sitting at for ruining the dinner reservations. Apparently, the place and time really mattered to the investors that much. So, while she waited on their table, Kendall asked her if she would want to work for him. It was ridiculous, sure, but she was the only one trying to not make a scene with him around since everyone working was staring, except her.

It was impulsive, but hey, look at her now.

“Uh, the pizza’s gonna- uh- be here in like 6 minutes.” She felt guilty. She knew it was out of reach, but Kendall would not stop bothering her with text after text. She thinks he might be out drinking again because his texts sound irrational. This was right after the huge blow out with his father, which was very public. And everyone watched as he came to crawl back and basically publicly beg for daddy’s attention back with that pitiful interview he gave. “Hey seriously- I’m sorry- that was super uncool. It’s just- Kendall is not really that well put as he seems.”

“No, It’s fine Jess. Seriously. You have lavish job with a psycho boss.” You tried to joke it off. You weren’t annoyed about the joke, just the constant apologizing. Jess wasn’t usually the one to really apologize so excessively. But her job really changed her. She was so much more nervous and shakier. As if anything she said could be used against her, even if it was a joke.

“I didn’t mean-“ You cut her off.

“Let’s just watch tv. What was the movie you wanted to watch tonight?” You tried to remove the subject from the air. It wasn’t a great feeling knowing your friend pitied you. Despite the awkwardness you tried to keep a grin on. You didn’t get fazed much. It didn’t take a lot to hurt your feelings. You’ve heard worse and meaner things before. You were scattering to move things you’ve just placed on the table for some room for the pizza when it finally gets here. You got up and went to her fridge before turning your head back to Jess quickly.

“My place might be hiring” She blurted out. She didn’t mean to. There weren’t really any other assistant positions. Shiv doesn’t work there. Her husband Tom had his own little assistant, Greg. Logan had way too many to even count. And Kendall wasn’t that trusting despite the restaurant ordeal. Except maybe Roman. “I’ll ask!”

But those words were the 5 words you heard nearly every week for weeks now. It was an exhausting thing to hear.

Your shoulders dropped down as you watched her frantically type on the keyboard. You don’t know exactly what she was saying, but whatever it was, it was a lot.

“Dude, I’ll be fine, don’t ev-“ You started before Jess put a hand up. “No. Don’t.” She persisted. Was this a mistake? Yes. Will she regret it? Possibly. She didn’t want to give you off to the lions, but god the money was so good.Jess was being paid 16k. A month, with a bonus here and there. Just to listen to Kendall whine and ask her to run around. Sure was it a lot of work and stressful? Yes, but she knew you could probably handle it. Plus you’ve met Kendall before from time to time. He seemed normal enough.

She put her phone down and finally paid you attention. “Okay, done. Now let me search the movie up.”

You both spent the rest of the night just drinking and eating pizza throughout the movie. With little jokes being told to each other here and there. But it got late and you decided to go home.

You spent the next couple of days on your laptop as you were doing what you did best, ignoring all your issues. You see a notification pop up on the corner. Jess texted you. You clicked on the text.

‘i got you an interview!!!! tomorrow 1pm.’

‘Kendall said he figured it out for you!’

You went completely pale. You didn’t think it was possible. Finally. You finally got an interview. And you didn’t even have to put in a resume or a super fucking cover letter. You could not express the happiness you felt. You texted Jess back immediately.

The next morning you got up early. You were way too excited to sleep throughout the entire morning. It was just how your brain worked, I guess.

You spent this time to get ready. You wanted to leave an impression. This was a multi-billion dollar company filled with millionaires and billionaires. You couldn’t stand out. Thankfully, you had an outfit saved for an interview. It wasn’t anything lavish, but it looked nice. You set it on your bed and went into the bathroom to take a shower. You made sure to scrub down your body as hard as possible. Your mind constantly reminded you of the people there. You made sure you smelt as though you had just run through a field full of every type of flower to ever exist. Or as if you had put yourself in the washing machine a dozen times. Whatever sounded cleaner.

You sat on top of your bathroom counter as you blow dried your hair. You tried to get every single bit of hair to look as perfectly placed as possible.

You went through your make up and then started the rest of your day. You sat at your bed with coffee and a piece of toast with almond butter on top of it as you watched tv before you had to leave. Specifically, you watched ATN. You needed to be in that mindset.

Once you finished your breakfast, you got dressed, sprayed on deodorant and perfume and decided it was time to go. Your nerves were through the roof. You checked the time. 11:30. You undid the caps of your medicine and took them with the last bit of coffee you had in your cup.

Unfortunately for you, childhood trauma left you with a lot of crazy pills you needed to take in the morning and night.

You left your apartment and walked down to the train. The ride was agonizing as you waited for each stop. You left the station once you hit your stop Cortland Street. You walked down a few blocked before hitting the building. You stared up at it as you couldn’t believe this is where you were possibly going to start working. You watched men in nice fitted suits that probably costed two times what you pay monthly for your studio. You shook of your nerves and walked into the lobby and then up to the receptionist.

“Uh- hi, I’m here for an interview.” You tried not to stumble on your words.

“Name.” She sounded unamused. She barely gave you a look. She seemed as though she had no intention to either. You gave her your name as she tried to search you up. She finally looked up from her screen and pointed at the turnstile. “Floor 52”

You nodded and walked through and to the elevators. You stepped in as you hit the button. 60 floors? Seemed excessive.

You watched as the numbers lit up as we passed each floor. Each floor just caused more and more anxiety in you. You didn’t know if you had it in you to even work in a place like this. What if you did bad at in the interview? Oh god, did you forget your resume? You panicked. You opened your bag for the millionth time since leaving the apartment to check for the folder again. You had a constant anxiety about losing things. You probably checked if you lost your phone or key about 10 times while on the walk from your apartment to the subway. And then some more.

The elevator dings and the silver doors open to reveal offices. You stepped out to only see walls and walls of just glass. Seemed redundant for an office if they could hear and see you, but okay. People passed through with papers or phones in their hand as they were trying to keep their heads low enough to get unnoticed. You walked around before seeing Jess with Kendall. She grins big before sending you a wave and then a gesture telling you to come over.

You obliged and headed towards her. “Hi!” you greeted before reaching to give her a hug.

“Kendall. You remember y/n? She’s here for the interview.” Jess grinned.

“Of course. Uh- ya. Uh-so, he’s not really here right now. He’s uh- fucking idiot- he’s late to his own fucking interview for his own assistant.” Kendall seemed to be annoyed as he was looking around. “Fucking idiot. I told that-“ He stopped himself as he tried to breathe through his annoyance. Jess’ head shot from you to him as her face dropped. She was left with the impression that Kendall maybe needed another intern. Logan couldn’t possibly need another one. Tom had Greg and seemed contempt.

“Oh, my interview isn’t with you?” You sounded confused, trying to sound as polite as you should be right now in this moment .

“No-uh you’re interviewing for Roman’s assistant.” He informed you quickly. Jess looked at you with bulged eyes. She seemed to have no clue about this. You had looked at her with a moment of confusion of why she seemed so worried. He said it as if it was not a huge deal. But for Jess, she knew she wouldn’t ever set this up if she knew it was for Roman.

“That’s fine, I can wait for him.”

“No, you shouldn’t. Let me just call him.” Kendall tried to cover up his own brothers mistakes. He walked away before checking his phone and putting it up to his own ear. “Uh-why don’t you just get a coffee or a snack in the break room til he gets here” he whisper spoke as he held her hand over the phone speaker.

Kendall seemed sweet and considerate. I don’t understand why Jess had such an issue dealing with him honestly. He didn’t seem bad. Maybe nicer than what I’ve seen of the other members on the board honestly. Those interviews, gosh. They were absolute messes. Kendall was a mess sure, but at least he shows a bit of remorse.

Before you could expect it, which honestly, unless you had even heard about Roman, no one knew what to expect from him other than utter chaos and dumbass bullshit. The elevators dinged and revealed who your interviewer was.

Wow. What an entrance.

“Alright cock licker, I’m finally here.” He announced to the entire floor. People’s heads barely even moved.

A short man with a stripped, what you can only think of was designer, dress shirt with a navy blue suit and enough gel in his hair to glue back the titanic together waltzed in. He walked through as if he basically owned the company as if he was THE Logan Roy himself.

Kendall power walked towards him. “You’re late to your own interview for your own fucking assistant dipshit.”

“Relax, I was busy paying the homeless people on the subway to fight” He smirked, waiting for a reaction.

“Yeah like you’d ever even been down that filthy rat hole.” Kendall scoffed.

Oh wow. Maybe he was as bad as Jess made him seem. I guess he liked to play Social Justice Warrior whenever he liked to.

“Yeah okay, where are they then? I’m ready for a black coffee.” Roman shoved past Kendall before finally laying his eyes on you. He would way it was cause he didn’t recognize you, but he barely even recognized people within a 20 feet radius of his own office. “Okay yea, come to my office I guess.” He spoke to you. He turned around and put his hand up, motioning you to follow him. Almost like how you would with a dog.

You nodded and followed before looking at jess with a look that could only be described by ‘what the fuck did you get me into?’

“Sit.” He ordered before plopping down on his leather chair in front of his desk. He laid back before finally feeling adjusted and looking up at you.

His eyes met yours before you immediately shifted them away from his. You grabbed a folder out of your duffle bag as you were ready to get your paperwork out before being interrupted.

“What the fuck are you doing? Are you turning in your fucking homework or something? Oh god you were that kinda kid huh? The one to remind the teacher of homework. God. Ew. No I cannot have that. Put that shit away.” He sure was pushy. Was he trying to upset you so you’d leave? What was the point of being a dick?

“Uhh sorry I just thought you wanted to see my resume or something” You shrugged. You tried to keep a calm composure. You needed this. I guess you can handle this kind of abuse for a bit. Maybe just until you had enough. Which you were pretty sure you’d make enough.

“Uhh” he mocked “No I don’t need to see that. You’re an assistant not whatever the fuck these other people do.” He gestured to everyone outside. You looked out and saw Kendall and Jess shooting glances at you. They knew what they had just out you up to. Jess feeling worse about it than Kendall did. You bit the inside of your own cheek to keep yourself from saying whatever you wanted to actually say.

“My bad.” You quicky apologized. “So, what questions are you gonna ask me then?”

“Uhh can you run to get me coffee?” He prompted.

“Now?” You shot him a confused, but annoyed look.

“Yeah. I’m hiring an assistant. Not a hooker. I would like if you dressed like one though. But I can’t hire someone who can’t do something simple like buy fucking medium whole milk latte.” Okay wow he was really annoying.

“Yeah, I can order coffee.” You said blankly.

“Good, go get one for me across the street.” He shooed you with his hand.

“Now?”

“No shit. Ugh I thought having an assistant wasn’t gonna require training. Do I need to keep dog treats in here to reward you? You’re not gonna piss on the floor, right? You don’t need that much training.” He tried to stop himself from giggling at his own jokes. He stood up before pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. He flipped it open and pulled out a $50. He handed it over to you and sat back down.

You stood there with the money, confused. “You really want me to do that? Right now?” You questioned again.

“Goooooood. Yes. This counts for your interview so you know, get to it or whatever the fuck.” He shooed before going onto his phone.

You nodded quietly before leaving the office. I guess you had to go get him what he asked for. God what a major fucking douchebag. I mean you’ve seen how he’s acted over social media and tv, but never did you think he was this bad.

Jess rushed over to you. “Y/n Oh my god, I’m so sorry I didn’t know. I thought Kendall just meant he was gonna get another assistant” She frantically explained.

“Its fine Jess. I guess I gotta get the oily weasel a fucking latte.” You scoffed. You held her arm to reassure her you were okay and not annoyed with her. She couldn’t of known.

“What? That’s what he said?” She tried to rationalize what Roman even asked for. You nodded before getting in the elevator. Jess almost walked in before hearing Roman from his office. “Hey! Come on, this isn’t a two people job now!” You rolled your eyes and hit the L button.

You quickly made your coffee run, making sure to get something for yourself, since you guess he was paying for it. You grabbed your matcha and his latte before heading back to the office. You walked in before setting down the cup and money on his desk.

“Ooooh what’s that? You go through rehab too? My brother drinks that shit.” He continued to try to strike as many nerves as he can. He really had a big mouth. It almost as if he let every intrusive thought that came to mind out.

You sat back down before taking a sip of your own drink. “Nope. So what else are you gonna ask or are you gonna make me do more embarrassing shit for free?” You finally let your annoyance out. You might regret it, but fucking hell, you could not spend the afternoon being someone’s little errand boy with no compensation.

“You’re already hired. Ya just send it whatever the fuck you need. I don’t know, ask Jess how to do all that shit, but ya I guess this latte is fine enough.” He hid his smile before taking a sip from the latte you gotten him.

You sat up a bit straight as you set your drink down. “That’s it?”

He nodded before furrowing his eyebrows at you. “Ya. What?”

“I just expect to-“  Roman quicky cut you off. You never liked being cut off. It was really one of your pet peeves. You couldn’t stand it. But I guess you needed to get use to it with this job now.  

“Just do whatever I ask you to, okay? You seem obedient enough.” He rolled his eyes before putting his feet up on his desk.

Notes: Next chapter is up!

Chapter 2

[aurakisses]

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ⋆

fireworks were always brighter when we were together.

Mafuyu did not have a passion.

It wasn’t something she ever cared about. Her mother always preached that passions took time away from one's true goals in life. And it wasn’t like she had many of those either. Mafuyu was vague when she answered; elusive when asked about her plans for the future. "I'm going to medical school," was the mantra she told every peer in a disarmingly innocent way.

In her seventeen years of life, she learned that people feigned their interest, and with a quick, short explanation, she tended to rid them of curiosity.

And what was the point anyway? Her entire existence depended on whether she passed the entrance exams, and then her mother would take care of the rest. There was nothing she found passionate about her studies.

Yes, of course, she was part of the archery club, but it wasn’t because she liked it. A sliver of her conscience knew she joined out of obligation. Her mother was only looking out for her; she wasn’t as strict as her friends thought. Mafuyu was lucky that she was allowed to attend extracurricular activities in the first place, even if they were just a facade to keep her obedient. She was not that naive.

No. Mafuyu hated archery. She didn’t go to the club because of ambition. She only needed it to meet educated peers and create connections who enriched her culturally and challenged her academic prowess.

People who were completely opposite to Kanade.

Mafuyu didn’t tend to admit it, but Kanade was the only reason she went through with life. Her mind still remembered the flames that blazed through her chest when she heard one of her songs for the first time. It was one of the few times she believed someone finally understood her, and that's why she found the courage to compose a song with the same effect as Kanade's. She tried to replicate it with OWN; that fiery feeling that made her understand that she was not the only one who suffered and that there were more people like her.

But Mafuyu learned it was impossible to achieve it by herself.

After she told Niigo she found her true feelings, long after she said in SEKAI that her greatest wish was to disappear, they all reacted carefully, walking on eggshells in case they said the wrong thing around her. However, Mafuyu had been so close to happiness and closure that she didn’t care about anything else except her friends. She still remembered how Mizuki smiled when harmonizing the song created from Mafuyu's emotions, the way Ena tried to mask her tears by wearing a vexed front, and Kanade—

Kanade’s pale hand reached out to hold hers, a small gesture that didn’t go unnoticed amidst the music, and gifted her a smile that made something coil inside her lungs, something that grew even more intensely than when she was with the group. A feather-light touch, fingers curling hesitantly around hers, "You are not alone anymore, Mafuyu."

Those words brought her to an emotion resembling relief, her eyes stinging with the dawn of tears; she had to grip that hand to stay upright. Mafuyu blinked at their entwined fingers, then peered into her friend’s hyacinth eyes, dumbfounded. Her heart always fluttered when she remembered how Kanade ceased her smiling to stare at her with a furrowed brow.

Mafuyu's mind had gone curiously blank that day, but she needed to see that smile again. It was a scorching sensation, a needy ache that expanded along with the need to hoard that heat-like water that might slip through her fingers. Somehow, she replied, "No, we're not," and in that moment—that one, single second; it was true.

She never did stop replaying that scene in her mind like a worn-out videotape, the desire to keep the warmth emanating from Kanade burning.

In retrospect, that had probably been the beginning. And the end.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Even if Mafuyu’s recollection of events remained fuzzy most of the time, a part of her acknowledged that she used to smile before.

By day, she pushed those thoughts away. She did her homework; and attended cram school. They would consume her later; for now, she needed to focus. Some memories had been crucial to getting to the point she was at then, and they were the only ones that had not yet turned into nightmares.

But at night, when she dreamed of smiling, she woke up with the cloying stench of amaranth, a stinging, suffocating ghost pain of thorn-filled vines around her windpipe, and the pungent taste of roses on the tip of her tongue. And yet, she decided to fall asleep again, if only to keep that odd feeling they gave her alive.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Mafuyu and Kanade became friends before they met in SEKAI. They had known each other for a long time, speaking on Nightcord at midnight sharp. Or rather, listening to Ena and Mizuki argue for most of the evening. It was annoying at times, wanting to work on new songs but threading around the possibility that they would end up talking about mundane, everyday things that frankly left Mafuyu with the desire to rip every concord strand out of her scalp and toss them inside the trash.

Her seat creaked from under her, and she still didn't say a word.

Mafuyu had a tough time understanding why people willingly decided to waste time instead of getting to work. Miku said that's what friends are for, and while she did enjoy spending time with the other members of Niigo, Kanade's demo still wasn't done after a week, and that was enough time to spare, especially with her practice exams so close by.

"Shut up, Akito!" a door slammed shut, almost cutting off the call, and an unknown voice groaned from Ena's screen. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm the better cook!"

"I don't know, Enanan," Mizuki added with a hint of hesitation in their voice, "Your brother makes delicious pancakes… way softer than yours." A groan, "You shut your mouth, Amia! As far as I know, you weren't invited to this conversation!"

"Well, it's hard not to when you're yelling two feet from the screen…."

If Mafuyu had a brother, she would have agreed with him and moved on. Why waste her breath with a meaningless discussion? It wouldn't be the end of the world if she lost the argument over something that meant nothing. But Ena wasn't the same as her; Ena was defiant, and it was evident that she didn't like to lose, much less when it came to Akito and Mizuki. Today was one of those days where Ena refused to keep her mouth shut, of course, and she wouldn't let it go that easily.

Mafuyu envied that about her. Even though dealing with Ena was a pain the majority of the time, and most days, she had to find many ways not to offend her, just to avoid awakening the monster, she thought it was an admirable quality to have. Her passion and her pride knew no bounds.

And well, the more she listened to Ena, the more she tensed up. It was ridiculous to take notice of the different emotions she was capable of hoarding inside. Mom, Ena, and Mizuki made her feel things, even though none were the same.

"Honami…"

Kanade's voice sailed through her bedroom, relaxing her body completely, and the sensation was so strange that she had to shut her eyes and take a deep breath before saying anything.

The silent anger that ate through her body had completely dissipated, and she didn't have the strength to continue trembling. She found it curious how Kanade was the only one who could make her snap. When it came to Kanade, the emotions from Ena, Mizuki, and Mom were amplified to extreme levels. It was like she could make her experience all of them at once.

Mafuyu smiled to herself, bright and beatific. It was something she usually did at school not to look disinterested. Ena often commented on how creepy her face got when she did this. She said it showed her straightforwardness, lack of tact, and bluntness when asked for feedback. She didn't usually give much thought to it until they started working together. To call her straightforward was not a bad thing, per se, but Ena and Mizuki tended to differ. Plus, there was no reason to make such a face now. No one was judging her from behind the screen.

But she still did it, only for Kanade to hear her grin.

"Did you say something, Kanade?"

"Oh, it's," she trailed off, awe filling her voice, "I was thinking."

There was silence for a minute. Even Ena and Mizuki fell silent upon hearing Kanade. And knowing them, both probably felt guilty for arguing.

"Honami makes the best pancakes."

The way she mumbled, soft and barely breathing, made it sound almost inaudible; in a little girl's way, whispering about a crush in her class.

Mafuyu whipped her head towards the chat with wide eyes. A prickle crawled up her spine, and she swallowed nervously. Her heart skyrocketed, a feeling unlike anything she could name. It was much more gut-wrenching, something that made Mafuyu want to curl up into a ball and clamp her hands over her ears. Squeeze her eyes shut to block out the world. It was awful, vile, horrible. It was beyond her comprehension.

"You're always thinking about Mochizuki," Ena griped, chortling. "You really care about her, hm?"

"Yeah, with how much you talk about her, it sounds like you've been married for twenty years!"

"Married…?"

For some reason, Kanade's question nearly forced her to crush the computer mouse with her bare hands. It was strange whenever that happened. Mafuyu wasn't one to sense things; it wasn't worth it. But still, her chest tightened. Just the thought of Kanade getting married to someone who wasn’t her…

Why did it make her so miserable?

"That sounds nice."

Somewhere far, far below the surface, Mafuyu could feel something within herself shut down. She could almost hear it: an earthen, heavy thud, like a cellar door shutting, enclosing something horrible deep inside the soil and stone. In the distance, Kanade's words echoed and reverberated. “That sounds nice.” Over and over, until they became nothing more than a jumble of noise.

It was almost enough to make Mafuyu sick.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

There used to be a time when her mother’s presence was comforting:

Mafuyu lay in her bed limp, pale, and nauseous. Her mouth remained shut—taut as if it would tear apart at the slightest cough. A cold tremor ran through her body, and she had to hide in the fleece blanket to find some warmth somewhere inside. "M-mommy…"

Each word coming out of her rattled like wind running through an abandoned house; from each exhalation came a breathless sigh, like a puff of breath in the winter sky. Her eyes seldom came into focus, and her mother became a mere shadow looming over her.

"You're burning up, Mafuyu! Let's get you into some new pajamas, okay?"

Watching her mother mess up her room that day filled Mafuyu with guilt; sin. She was sick but still didn't want to see her mother upset. The worried lines on her face told her everything she needed to know, and she couldn't help but feel grief for her mother.

"I'm sorry for today," she mumbled aloud, then coughed. "I know you're busy with your neighborhood association, but because of me…."

"Hehe, what are you saying? It's not your fault you caught a cold, Mafuyu!"

Her mother ducked her head, and her lips curved gently upward, but it was far too short to be a smile. "You need to rest up after you change clothes, okay?" She murmured, "So you can show me your beautiful grin again."

Beautiful grin... when was that? The only thing she wanted when dreaming of these moments was to keep the flame alive, to have some semblance of emotion. Mafuyu couldn't be bothered to remember when things used to be good.

"Okay…"

Why was it so demanding to reflect on her past?

"By the way, we've got some apples from the neighbor. I heard they are perfect for treating a cold! How would you like to eat them?"

"…Bunnies. I want them peeled into bunny shapes."

"Mafuyu really likes bunnies, huh?"

Did she like them? Maybe she used to have some blight regarding bunnies. Her memory was vague, but she knew about the blush-colored plush she used to drag all over the city. Bonbon, she thought. That thing mysteriously vanished after its rosy cheeks grew hoary; though remembering exactly what animal it was became an uphill battle.

"Please wait a moment while I cut them," she said, her voice soft and far away. She swallowed, used her soft hands to cut the slices into little bunnies, and looked off into some unfathomable distance. Her fingers moved with dexterity, shaping the pieces precisely.

However, Mafuyu noticed her mother forgot to shape one of the rabbit's ears. Her caregiver never made mistakes, so Mafuyu had chalked it up to her fever at the time. "Yes, it's done."

Apples were a pretty color; Cadmium over her organic chemistry homework–Her teacher marked that paper a 100 with the same shade–even if they had no taste now. But her childhood self didn't need to know that yet.

"Thank you."

"Can you eat them properly? I'm worried they are still too hard…"

"...a little…"

"It can't be helped after all, hehe," Mom gently closed her fingers around the steel spoon, then reached up, brushed a lock of hair out of her face, and pressed her frigid palm to her cheek.

"Open up, Mafuyu! Say ahh!"

Mafuyu felt so… adored that day. She used to giggle when her mother gently untangled messy strands. Before, her hands used to be warm, but now, whenever her mother helped Mafuyu tie her ponytail, she couldn't stop the overwhelming cold that seized her body when her fingers scratched her from spreading completely. Maybe one of these days she’d wake up to the smell of pancakes and a kiss on the forehead.

"It's delicious… thank you, Mom."

Mafuyu could only dream.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

"Asahina?"

Mafuyu blinked once. Twice.

She sat on a wooden bench under the shaded area of the archery club. Shizuku Hinomori, her companion for the afternoon, fixed her school skirt and shifted a little closer to Mafuyu. Every movement of hers was lovely, and Mafuyu had a nagging sensation that any other person would have reacted differently when faced with the model this closely.

"Are you okay?" Mafuyu almost jumped when she felt a wintry hand resting on her forehead. The other didn't seem to notice—or overlooked her reaction.

"It doesn't feel like you have a fever..."

She sputtered and moved her head surreptitiously out of Hinomori's reach. Her bento was still condensing, even from atop her uniform. Mafuyu was sure she resembled a statue, wide-eyed and slowly feeling the water from under her bowl trickle down her legs. Luckily she was very good at making excuses, and it didn't take long for her to come up with one that was somewhat credible to her friend.

"I'm okay, Hinomori. I was just moving the bangs out of my eyes."

"You look sad."

Her classmate had always been a total mystery to her; she did and said nonsensical things without the slightest concern for her reputation.

Yet, she admitted that Hinomori could be quite observant within her airheaded personality. Anyone who only painted her as the beautiful, dumb member of MMJ clearly never bothered to spend more than a second with her. It was evident she possessed an emotional intelligence that not everyone recognized.

Sometimes, Mafuyu discerned their souls were similar in nature, and reality always showed itself when Hinomori was in the archery club. Her face became serious, focused. An air of relaxation arose solely when one's posture was straight, focusing on nothing, just the stretching of the drawstring and the target before the eyes.

That tended to be the only thing that fascinated Mafuyu about Miyamasuzaka: the number of people and different personalities that made them what they were. And yes, Hinomori was right; she was upset, or at least there was a similar feeling clumping inside her, one that made her want to scream until her throat ached under the stress of her vocal cords. The only emotion Mafuyu identified was and always would be, envy.

"But I will not pry if that's your wish."

"…I think that's for the best."

Hinomori had always been a respected idol. And any idol knew their fans like they were an extension of themselves. So Mafuyu loved sitting with her, only because Hinomori treated her like what she truly was: a simple and ordinary individual. Save for her endeavors, Hinomori was her friend, and Mafuyu noticed the relief that emanated from those spearmint irises every time she treated her classmate like a person. It was the least she could do for her.

"Thank you for having lunch with me, Asahina; I asked Shii if she wanted to join us too, but she's eating with Mochizuki today."

Splinters pinched Mafuyu with every breath she took. They dug into her skin, prying, pulsing. The bench was still moist, and the damp oak made her shiver in place. She tried to mask her disgust but she was exhausted and numb; her body felt like it was not her own. Mafuyu gasped for air, choking on nothing.

It didn't matter.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Kanade settled Mafuyu's soul.

There was no other way to describe it. Kanade was calm, even-tempered, and unflappable. Her mother would call her detached and see through her like she wasn't quite there. But Mafuyu knew better. Kanade was like her namesake: music delicately floating around at night, soothing her soul. If someone met Kanade and wasn't immediately drawn in by her magnetic aura–something was wrong with that person.

"Don't leave me." It was a low-voiced confession. One that made Mafuyu break out in hives. Her forehead creased, and she fisted her hands in the fabric of her cotton skirt, then peered at Kanade from under her bangs. "Please."

Kanade scratched her cheek, burning a hole in the pillow beside Mafuyu's head. She was still wearing her shoes, even though Mafuyu had shed them long ago, as it was common courtesy to take them off before entering someone's house. Kanade probably tucked her in bed immediately after carrying her to the house before anything else, and that thought was so lovely; so Kanade, that she couldn't find the strength to chastise the composer for her ill manners.

"I see. It's alright," Kanade said at last, "I'll always be here with you. Hold my hand. You're not alone."

There it was again. "You are not alone." She sneaked a glance at Kanade. There was a softness to her expression now, a hint of hope. The glint in those azure eyes made Mafuyu's chest feel bizarre.

She swallowed the fluttering sensation as it traveled down to her stomach. "No," she responded cautiously. "We’re not."

Kanade's answering smile was quiet and subtle, easy to miss. Mafuyu didn't miss it.

The fluttering in her stomach grew louder as if she'd swallowed a dozen butterflies or a hundred flower petals, and she had a sudden burst of uncharacteristic courage.

"Your hand is warm."

She squeezed Kanade's hand with a bravery that stunned even her. They intertwined their fingers, and Mafuyu stared at Kanade with an intensity beyond any words she could think of to say. Kanade blinked at their coiled digits, but instead of turning away or shaking off Mafuyu, she simply looked up again.

"Yours is too."

That night, she dreamed of her mother, feeding her apples and caring for her sick body. When she woke up, with Kanade snoring quietly beside her, she felt her cheek uncharacteristically wet.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

“What do you want to do, Mafuyu?”

“Don’t make a decision you will regret later, okay?”

…she wouldn't make it in time for her curfew anyway.

“Now that I’m here after all… I’ll watch a little of the night show and then go home.”

Mafuyu was disobeying her mother. She missed her mock test, and now she was skipping curfew. But even so…

Kanade’s hand was cold compared to hers. Yet it wasn't a deadly frigid; it didn't give her chills or shape her face with fear. No, it was… comforting, somehow. She didn't know why Kanade stirred her insides. Why…?

It was a type of heat that didn't bother her. She always experienced it when she spent time with Kanade. It was pleasing on her chest. Why did that happen?

“All right! Then we have to hurry up! We must go fast, or we’ll have to watch from afar!”

This strange emotion with Kanade, along with her friends. It relieved her. But then… what was the difference between Kanade and Mom? Why were her mother's hands bleak? And Kanade’s weren’t? Why was it that when she was with her mother emptiness consumed her? It was painful. She had barbs all over her muscles, and there was a rope suffocating her neck. It was better not to think about it now.

“Hey, Mafuyu?” Kanade grasped her hand tighter, “Do you still feel cold?”

“No,” Mafuyu blurted, “I think it must be because… I’m here with you. With everyone.”

A chuckle, “I also feel warm when I’m with everyone.”

Hearing Kanade utter that phrase awakened something… unexpected. Time became vague and disconnected. The rides seemed to warp and distend, undulating in mind-boggling fractals; the sun dipped below the horizon, the rays of light transforming the long shadows around the trees into dark, spindly, spidery legs that threatened to crawl over her and drag her into oblivion.

The realization that Kanade saw her in a separate light than she did was stifling.

After Kanade let go of her hand; after the big bulb in the sky lowered, and she rushed to the bathroom the moment dusk appeared, bright cyan, golden, and endless fireworks; inside the music and the actors, Mafuyu disappeared into the crowd and struggled to breathe. She was drowning; she coughed, once, twice—

And a single petal emerged from between her lips.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Despite the toxic concoction of negative emotions accumulating inside Mafuyu's ribcage, her room remained neat and tidy. Her mother hated messes, so she made sure not to move too many things before she cleaned up after herself every day.

Her desk was organized, with a cup for pens and another for pencils, a box in a drawer where her extra papers were kept, a specific shelf for her school books, and a calendar to write down homework and exams. The bookshelves were devoted mainly to her notebooks, and she maintained a carefully organized system, all of her biology journals neatly arranged alphabetically and by topic.

Only one thing violated this carefully maintained order: an empty aquarium.

It didn't live on her desk but on an ebony table next to her nightstand. There was nothing extraordinary about it; the glass was pristine, so clean that she could catch her reflection. Not even fish swam in the space; it just housed a couple of seagrasses and some doleful algae that swayed from side to side in the same rhythm as her breath, sometimes releasing oxygen bubbles that slowly rose to the surface to pop before fleeing the water.

Mafuyu had no reason to have that aquarium in her room. Other families would place it in the living room and overfill it with colorful and showy animals. No, she didn't have any; but she didn't need them.

Her real hobby was, in fact, only staring at the aquarium.

She liked to contemplate her life while she watched it. Or even empty her mind to think of nothing. Those were her favorite sessions. She only peered into her reflection's eyes; the longer it stood before her, the blurrier it became. There came a time when she felt herself become transparent, slowly disappearing from the face of the earth. She could forget about her problems for a brief moment, and not feel any emotion. Only disappear.

But even if those used to be her feelings before she created SEKAI, she could never let them resurface. Not when Kanade always promised to compose a song that would save Mafuyu from her misery one day. And she would wait for Kanade, as long as she needed. Mafuyu would continue to exist until Kanade fulfilled her promise.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

The sound of fireworks and muffled voices snapped Mafuyu back to reality. She looked around her in a weary rush, but she calmed down once she regained her memory.

She was in Kanade's house, at the request of Mizuki, who suggested time and time again she flee her home. And they were right, although she found it hard to admit it. Her mother kept getting worse and worse with each passing day, so Kanade offered her room like always with the excuse of watching a movie. And so she allowed herself to sleep, her arms around another person and her head resting on a thick mound of pillows.

With much effort, she sat up to look at Kanade, who was staring at the computer.

“Everything would be better if I just disappeared…”

"Kanade?"

The other paused the movie almost at the hour mark, already nearing its end. Listening to her voice, Kanade rearranged herself to snuggle up against Mafuyu. Her eyes were narrowed and glued to the screen, her face painted with a soft smile. Slowly, her hyacinth irises shifted to the side to catch Mafuyu's gaze. She turned her head almost weakly as if she had fallen asleep for a while.

“You’re awake.”

“I’m sorry for falling asleep,” Mafuyu muttered calmly, with a bit of guilt in her tone.

“Don’t be sorry. You need to rest,” Kanade mumbled, and Mafuyu blinked owlishly at her. “You deserve it.”

“Can you hold my hand?” is what she would have asked Kanade if it weren’t for the ever-increasing pain building up in her chest. Instead, she craned her neck to peer at the laptop, squinting.

She forgot to mention it, but Mafuyu had already seen this movie more times than she could ever count. And a part of her perceived that Kanade knew it too.

Mafuyu wasn't one to cry for nonsensical reasons, but she couldn't help but do it every time the leading girl came on the scene. Memories of that time at the classic doll show came to her again. How she panicked when that shattered one lay forgotten in the bathroom. The tightness was the same.

No matter how many times she tried–when Kanade's hand was on hers–she couldn’t find a reason to cry.

“Shoko!”

Mafuyu had nightmares about computer screens and deafening fireworks.

When she woke up, there was an empty feeling in her chest, as if something was missing, or rather, something was stolen from her. Even before her eyes snapped open, she was leaning over the edge of her bed, all her insides clenching at once. She opened her mouth and expelled a stream of bloody flower petals to the ground, slashing her lips violently. Her fingers trembled, digging into the sheets, and the petals coming out of her mouth were black, and very dark, barely more than shadows in the dead of night; she wanted to scream, but her mouth was full of flowers and she couldn't speak, I can’t breathe, I can't—

She’d never seen such a beautiful bouquet of black lilies before.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Cackling, Mizuki nearly toppled over at the outraged face Ena gave Mafuyu. The artist pointed at her with a wooden pencil, her open sketchbook between her knees. Even the unfinished drawing had "Absurd!" written all over the face—like it usually did on those nights when the four met at SEKAI for their MV sessions.

"You—are you serious? You really don't know what Tanabata is?!"

Mafuyu peeked at Kanade, who cringed into her neck at her expectant gaze and tried to explain. "It's," she mumbled uncertainly, playing with her fingers, "a festival… we're talking about the festival, right?"

Then Mizuki laughed even harder, delighted to see Ena's exasperated face.

Mafuyu raised an eyebrow. What was so important about Tanabata? Perhaps Mafuyu regarded the festival once, on some distant occasion, but she struggled to rouse it now. Was it that interesting to the others that she hadn't heard of such a celebration before?

"I don't know what Tanabata is either," Miku declared, and Mafuyu was silently grateful for the acknowledging nod the other gave her. "Could you explain it to me?"

"I guess," Ena whined, a little too annoyed. She tapped the tip of the pencil on her chin. "It is a festival that occurs on the seventh day of the seventh month. Supposedly, it is the only day of the year that the two lovers, Orihime and Hikoboshi, can meet."

Miku shifted and moved closer to Ena, squashing her dress with interest. Seeing this, Ena pressed her lips together, something she usually did when she felt regretful. "It's a pretty known festival; almost everyone in Japan celebrates it." She didn't look at them; instead, her head dipped as she dropped her pencil. "That's why it shocked me to hear you didn't know about it, Mafuyu. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to make fun of you."

"It's fine. I was interested to hear more about this day regardless."

After all, Hinomori invited her to celebrate the day with all her friends. She wanted to know what the festival was about before going, and she couldn't deny that Ena's little explanation inundated her with genuine intrigue. Why was she so interested in the story of the two lovers?

Mizuki cleared her throat, clearly pleased by the question she posed. "Allow me to tell you. The story of the legend of Tanabata."

As Ena groaned this time, Kanade chuckled, brushing against Mafuyu's shoulder. She froze, feeling something akin to flowers bristle in her chest.

"The story goes like this:"

Princess Orihime, the seamstress, wove beautiful clothes by the heavenly river, the Milky Way. Because Orihime worked so hard making beautiful clothes, she became sad and desperate to find love. Her father, a god of the heavens, loved her very much and arranged for her to meet Hikoboshi, the cowherd who lived on the other side of the Milky Way. The two fell in love instantly and got married. Their passion and devotion were so deep that Orihime stopped weaving, and Hikoboshi allowed his cows to wander the skies.

Angry, Orihime's father forbade the lovers to be together, but Orihime begged him to let them stay. He loved his daughter, so he decreed that the star-crossed lovers could meet once a year on the 7th day of the 7th month if Orihime wove again.

"That's not the entire story," Ena grumbled and shot a glare at Mizuki. "It’s said that the first day they were to meet, they found the river too difficult to cross. Orihime got so discouraged that a flock of magpies came and made a bridge for her. It is said that if it rained on Tanabata, the magpies would not come, and the two lovers would have to wait another year to meet. That's why Japan always wishes for good weather on Tanabata."

"And that's why we write our desires on paper and hang them on trees," Kanade added, clearly amused despite herself. "It's good fortune if the lovers do get to meet, and who knows… your wishes might come true."

“I’m gonna wish Morishita finally leaves a comment on one of my art pieces,” Ena declared with a surprisingly genuine haughtiness. Mafuyu had heard of this Morishita at her school; she was a pretty popular mangaka. She couldn't care less about her at all, and the fact that it was Ena who wished for something as mundane as that surprised her even less.

"Don't be ridiculous, Enanan," Mizuki barked beside her.

“Why wish for that? I would ask for something bigger, like… oh, you know! A closet that can hold all the clothes in the world!”

"That's impossible, Mizuki."

"Not if you wish for it!"

It amused Mafuyu to see her friends argue sometimes. She found it curious how they had different ideas regarding their artistic creativity. Mizuki was more hyperactive in person, while Ena contrasted with her ill temperament. However, when it was time to work, she found that Mizuki took the job more seriously, while the artist eased up the process because she had more freedom.

It was the same with wishes. On New Year, they seemed to take things seriously, but now they didn't want to. Was it because they wanted to mess with Miku? Or was there another reason?

"I wish we could all go to the festival and spend the night with the rest of our friends."

Kanade was always honest no matter who she was with. She appreciated that about her, and it was one of the reasons she liked her so much.

“I… wish for that too,” Miku added, closing her eyes. "If you could, I want all of you to bring the festival’s happiness to SEKAI."

Mafuyu wanted the same. She also sought fulfillment of Miku's wish. And if she could bring a smile to SEKAI as a gift, she would do it for her, and for everyone else who lingered here. It was the least they could do for Miku and the others.

She unconsciously smiled, and the look Kanade threw her was warm, but it was as if she was looking right through her. So she excused herself and fled the scene, wandering around SEKAI like her stomach was about to explode.

It was probably the reason the flowers in her throat finally broke free.

Mafuyu stared at them, wide-eyed and frozen, her mind spinning helplessly. There were at least a dozen buds, small and imperfectly formed, the flowers box-shaped, and their wing-like petals wrinkled and collapsed. They were surrounded by countless loose petals, each smaller than her thumb, their bright pearl hue marred only by the dark magenta at their base, as if smeared with blood.

“Japanese Camellia,” Miku provided. “Best kept as a houseplant; they thrive in partial shade with plenty of protection from the bright afternoon sun. In the language of flowers, it means unrequited love.”

Unrequited love. Love. She was in love with Kanade.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Drizzle some water on the wound… Dab with a cloth…

The girl's small sobs ceased when Mafuyu removed her hand from her knees. Her medical instincts had kicked in when she saw that child crying alone by the fountain.

It touched her to help others. That could only be achieved with treatment, and bringing out a smile in others after they were cared for, became something inexplicably restorative.

That's why she always pretended to be fine at school. Just because she cared little about her own life didn't mean that helping others ceased to fill the void in her chest, even if it was only for a second. After all, she had always been the perfect little Mafuyu.

"Thank you, big sister!"

"Remember to be more careful next time, okay?"

“Mafuyu…?!” Ena had a hand over her mouth, mirroring the rest of her friends. “You're smiling…”

Her fingers caressed the corners of her mouth gently. “I'm… doing that?”

She couldn't control the laughter that came out of her, especially when she felt Ena's arms go around her torso, and Kanade's hand, always her hand, held tightly against hers. That was where it was meant to be.

Mafuyu was born to be with everyone. Together. Despite her eventual demise at the hands of her incurable illness; a fitting death for a girl who had never made a single decision in her life.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Mafuyu wanted to be a nurse. She loved helping people since she was little, and she strove to take care of her elementary classmates whenever possible. Unfortunately, her mother disagreed with her practices when she discovered this. "It's for uneducated girls," she used to tell her. "Why be a nurse when you can be a doctor? Doctors earn more money."

And she came to believe her mother, for a while. There was no other way out, anyway, and she wouldn’t find it.

Because in Mafuyu's life, choices were nonexistent. Mom would always be there to decide for her.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

"You should tell Kanade," Ena pleaded with her. "I don't think she's going to abandon you-"

"You don’t know that. And you know I can't do that." She left a few words unsaid, which she had already argued her point with days ago.

Making Kanade feel responsible for cutting what little time they already had left together? She couldn’t do that. Not a chance. She wouldn’t allow Kanade to feel guilty after her death. Mafuyu had already made peace with her circumstances.

“But if you'd just try…” she begged.

"No." Her defiant tone made Ena stop.

It was obvious Kanade wasn't in love with her. Not when there was Honami, who took care of her as no one would ever take care of Mafuyu. Not when Mafuyu had been arid, and spoke without a filter to everyone but Kanade. Never when Mafuyu pretended to be kind to everyone, while Honami remained naturally thoughtful, without having to lie to be liked by anyone.

Kanade never realized the ugly green emotions that washed over Mafuyu every time she mentioned Honami on Nightcord until her chest tightened with shame that she excused herself to cough it all up. She never took notice of her, even when Mafuyu's napkin was stained with vermillion flecks; shamelessly hidden in her pocket and tossed into the void of her SEKAI.

Maybe Mafuyu wouldn't be special to Kanade in the way she wanted, but she was fine with that.

That was alright because at least she meant enough for Kanade to look at her like that in the first place. It became a gift, one she was never going to take for granted.

Ena's fingers floated delicately over the coarse fabric of her canvas, incoherently fused with pastels. On another day, she would have told Ena that the colors made the painting look dirty and that the shape of the petals was uneven compared to the tree trunk. The mixture of pine, fig, and ivory seemed identical to the mess she'd vomited up that morning, except the one on her bedroom floor had also been speckled with red.

She sighed and then looked at Ena. It appeared as she blinked back tears when Mafuyu smiled warmly at her.

Mafuyu pointed to the messy pastels on the floor, “Do you think Kanade would like this color or the other one better?”

They became locked in a silent battle, until eventually, Ena relented and pointed to a different one to the far right with her pencil. "Wysteria." She mulled it over for a second. “It matches your hair. She would like that."

Her chest felt lighter than it had all week hearing that. "One could only hope."

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Mafuyu's dreams used to be filled with endless fireworks.

Then, they became tainted with something too vile and terrible to name or even look at. They reached for her in the dark, with vines coiling around her throat and working their way into her mouth, pushing down into her throat, her lungs, and her heart, and it would kill her. Destroy her.

Still, if she had to die, then she'd have chosen to die for Kanade.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

SEKAI turned out to be empty today.

Mafuyu was kneeling before the cyclamen she just hurled a few seconds ago. She didn't have enough strength to stand in front of the flower, so her knees buckled until she ended up making eye contact with her reflection. It was an act of supplication; an act of mercy. Somehow, she cleared a space for the long cyclamen and set the bud on the ground, positioning it so that her bloodied flowers faced away from it. She didn't want to taint it; it didn't matter if she created all of them as a product of her disease.

And it didn't surprise her then when she coughed and choked; when she spat a mouthful of stringy scarlet petals into the palm of her hand.

She stared at her petals, so bright, so lovely. Spider lilies, she thought, and her heart contracted in her chest. She wanted to crush these petals in her fist, squeeze them tight, and hold them close to her; she wanted to cast them aside and let the void take them.

"You should tell her."

Kaito appeared before her as if he had been summoned. Mafuyu sighed through her nose.

She’d heard that phrase before, from Ena and Miku. She wasn't in the mood to deal with Kaito as well and plummeted to the ground with the feeling of Kaito's hand on her back. Mafuyu reeled from the emptiness of her SEKAI and rolled towards him. His face was drawn with a solemn line, which Mafuyu already expected to see, though, surprisingly, he said nothing more. She blinked slowly at him, an insult on her lips, but he raised a hand to her, sternly telling her to stop.

"Don't talk," he commanded, and his voice was so convincing that she acted as such. She wanted to speak. Oh, how she longed to say something. She needed to tell him how much she cared about Kanade. How much she loved her, and how important she was to her. But she couldn't. As always, Kaito was right.

All alone, I remembered laughing with you,

For some reason, my emotions just kept on making noise.

Was it fine like this? Where did I make a mistake?

This heat in my chest won’t subside, why?

“…Kanade…”

For some reason, I’ve grown lonely,

As my heart has withered, and nothing has flavor,

Inside of the days I’ve grown used to, I wonder if tomorrow will be like this too…

Tears did not stop rolling down her cheeks, her chest rising and falling to the tick of his song. She couldn't stop thinking about Kanade, about the music that made Mafuyu cry and laugh. The music that made her fall in love. She was grateful that this was her SEKAI. She didn't need to say anything and Kaito would already know what she was thinking.

“…Take care of this flower… Take care of it as if it were…”

She sobbed, silently, into Kaito's chest. He rubbed his hand up and down her back with gentleness, and she could feel the stutter of pain from her breath every time she took a particularly strong breath, which meant her hyperventilated cry was nowhere near coming to an end. What they said at school was true–when one was closer to death, one felt the most alive.

Loving Kanade would never be a regret in her life. She gave her everything she ever wanted; and more than she needed. Perhaps there would never be a song to save Mafuyu. But really, she’d rather die than live a life without discovering the feeling that loving Kanade gave her. She was calm now, she was convinced of it. But she was also human and intensely mortal.

Humans were inherently selfish, she knew that, and regrets were always rooted in them. She only wished, in the next life or the afterlife, that Kanade would have half as much love for her as the flowers that grew and twined around her heart.

“Keep visiting,” Kaito told her. His voice was dry against the wetness of her tears. “Keep visiting until every flower consumes you, Mafuyu. Then you can go."

Mafuyu nodded mutely against his chest.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

In Mafuyu's entire life, she never had a choice.

But for the first time, she was finally doing the right thing. It didn't matter how many times she suffered, how many carnations, hyacinths and thorns ate away at her insides. No matter how many memories were wiped clean from her subconscious; if she were deaf, blind, or mute; she would always fall in love with Kanade, in this life and the next.

And yet, she could have lived through a thousand lifetimes and still not deserve Kanade in any of those.

Mafuyu drew her bow. It was mid-spring, perhaps. It was neither hot nor cold, and the wind blew calm as afternoon fell and the rays struggled to reach them. Hinomori had once mentioned that she liked to sit facing the school doors because the sun would catch her and bathe her back with warmth for a certain hour, which was a revitalizing sensation. Mafuyu couldn't match that. When the sun touched her, she felt she could collapse at any moment, that the light would pierce her skin and turn her to dust.

The sun was not revitalizing to her at all; it was agonizing, more like. It was searing heat, a fever that boiled her insides but never finished killing her, flooding her body in a suffocating anxiety that made her throat knot. Because if life inevitably culminated in death, then what was the point of making her wait?

There, being a part of Kanade's identity without leaving a significant dent in her life, she figured she was in a similar situation. No matter how much she wanted, Kanade only had eyes for Mochizuki. And how could she blame her?

Mochizuki was the only reason Kanade was still alive.

And Kanade was the only reason Mafuyu was alive. She never felt something with such intensity before, something that made her suffer as much as Hanahaki. And the simple fact that Mafuyu was carrying those feelings for Kanade meant that she had already been saved. If she could keep that pain alive, that was already a reason to stay until the day of her last breath.

"Your ponytail is lopsided today, Asahina."

Mafuyu released the arrow, listening to the string twang thanks to the force.

She was willing to keep these flowers alive for Kanade. Her love was worth dying for. This would be her first and last choice.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Mafuyu spent the Tanabata Eve like most people would: hanging empty paper on trees and gallivanting around with her friends.

Unlike most people who would go down to the river during festivals to set off fireworks or spend the night praying at a shrine, Mizuki and Akito suggested that they go down to Shibuya Station instead, where no one but them would be around. So now, laughter echoed around them, and the people strolling by judged them, puzzled, but they didn’t care.

“Miss… Asahina?”

Mafuyu averted her gaze from Kamishiro’s explosive cherry bombs and instead fixed on the delicate voice. She nearly choked on her saliva when she rested her eyes on Mochizuki, who smiled at her with pure, unbridled innocence. So much so that Mafuyu felt almost guilty for all the nauseating things she thought about her.

The youngest fiddled with a pen in her hands, surely looking for a way to offer it to Mafuyu. “We are writing our wishes… do- do you want to come?”

She had no idea how the paper ended up in her hands. The only thing she recalled was the black ink staining her sleeve and the way Mochizuki was looking at her with a hint of curiosity in her eyes. Because, of course, what kind of person doesn't smile in the middle of a festival? It was the first year she finally knew what to wish for, and it was time for her to put it into words, once and for all.

…Except she decided to ask Mochizuki what her wish was instead.

"My wish?" She seemed taken aback by the question, but Mochizuki being Mochizuki, she kindly answered. Without any shame in sight.

“My wish is that we can all spend another year together. My friends,” silver eyes turned to one of her classmates, Hinomori's sister, if Mafuyu remembered correctly. “And your friends,” this time, she made eye contact with Mafuyu, and her grin was so wide that she could see her perfectly straight teeth. White like Kanade's hair.

Kanade’s reflection dwelled in Mochizuki's pupils.

“I want us to be happy. All of us, together.”

Mafuyu’s eyelids fluttered shut upon hearing that, a small tingle tickling her lips. She needed that too. She wished to spend another year with her friends. Although that was impossible because unfortunately, this disease would kill her eventually.

Mochizuki's wish could not come true. Mafuyu was sure she wouldn't last another year, and no matter how much she wanted it to be possible, she was going to die.

Fingers clenched around her paper now. Her hands were shaking, bunched up in her kimono. She didn't want to think about it. Especially not tonight, when the weather was clear, without a single cloud in the sky.

So when Mafuyu opened her eyes–almost wet with tears–and met the look of alarm from Mochizuki, she couldn't stop the corners of her lips from turning up. Even if it was just a little.

"Thank you, Honami. I also wish we could spend another year together.”

Mochizuki's gasp was muffled by the boom of a nearby firework. Orange, like all the sunsets that once brought her happiness. Orange, like the lotuses Mafuyu unfairly assigned Mochizuki.

Seeing her face light up was enough to know that Kanade was in good hands. She always wondered if the girl knew how much she had done for the four of them; for Niigo. Maybe Mafuyu couldn't fulfill her junior’s wish, but she deserved happiness anyway. With Kanade.

Mafuyu could never have the heart to hate her.

“Honami! Asahina!”

Otori approached them with sparklers in both hands. A dangerous act; her mother would have scolded her before launching the gift in the trash. But today Mafuyu wasn't with her mother, so she gratefully accepted the sparkler from Otori’s hands and laughed alongside everyone. Today, she was surrounded by all the people she loved. Mizuki, Ena, Hinomori, Otori.

Kanade. We’re not alone anymore.

When Orihime and Hikoboshi finally met, Mafuyu vomited white orchids, long petals, and silky ivory. She felt them slide down her throat, rub against her palate, catch between her teeth, and spit them out in pieces. She lifted them, choking until she cried, and then, when the flood stopped, she pushed the loose, wet petals into the soil on top of them with her bare hands.

In the end, the sight of Kanade’s hand around somebody else; and their shared fireworks, soft and gleaming—the way Kanade stared at Mochizuki, in the way she once reserved for her, was too much to bear.

She never did finish writing her wish. Only asked the stars that Mochizuki loved Kanade with all that she had to give and that she cared for her even after her death.

Mafuyu’s lungs sprang. They caught fire, burning, killing everything in their path. Everything hurt, and it was impossible to breathe with the petals clogging her trachea, and the roses settling themselves in her ribcage as she lay with her back on the prickly grass.

“They are only two simple stars, Altair and Vega. There’s no real story behind them. Don’t forget to remind your friends today’s legend is pure nonsense, okay Mafuyu?”

“…Shut… up.”

Her eyes flew to the heavens, watching in agony as the two lovers got the one thing she wanted. Still, Mafuyu longed to prove her mother wrong. They did meet, I saw it with my own eyes, Mom.

She escaped shortly after, despite her friend's protests. Hinomori let her go. Ena didn't.

When the last firework went off, Mafuyu couldn’t bring herself to care.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

Time was static and yet it moved forward. The minutes dragged on endlessly; days vanished in the twinkling of an eye. Her health quickly deteriorated. SEKAI did too. Only Mafuyu's flowers bloomed, lush with color and life. Her lungs bloomed with tulips and daffodils, ablaze with anemones and torch lilies. Flowers bloomed inside to die in her bathtub and then grew again.

One day, she told herself insistently. One more day, and I will grow courage. One day I'll tell you. I will, Kanade, I will—

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

And then one warm summer night

I'll hear fireworks outside

And I'll listen to the memories as they cry, cry, cry

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

The reality was that Mafuyu didn’t have a passion.

Until she met Kanade, and then, she became hers. Kanade was her only passion in life, but the thorn-filled roses, carnations, and suffocating hyacinths growing within her were the painful reminder that Mafuyu was never hers.

𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸𓇢𓆸

You are cordially invited to the Yoisaki-Mochizuki wedding on,

The seventh day of the seventh month.

Keep a seat reserved at our table for those who couldn’t join us on this day.

In loving memory of Mr Yoisaki,

who is not here today but always in our hearts

and, our dear friend Mafuyu Asahina,

May the cherry blossoms always bloom for you.

‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ⋆

[fio-renze]

Fiorenze smiled a bit as she watched Pyraelia social butterfly her way around the camp before their great Bounty feast. Her little sister had been a bit of a late bloomer to being a socialite, perhaps the pressure of the way they had grown up had stifled her, too. She'd made the choice to abdicate the Sunmote titles years before Fiorenze had even considered surrendering the Tel'vaiel's — and that choice had clearly been to her little sister's benefit. Working for the Kirin Tor had helped her confidence and strengthened her social skills in a way garden parties and elegant balls never would have.

They came back together much later, after the feast had been cleared away and the city was starting to turn in — as much as the city ever turned in, the Earthen certainly didn't keep the same sleeping schedules as fleshier mortals. Pyraelia joined her up on her favorite roof, the one that overlooked the interior of the city on one side, and the Dornish bay on the other.

Her sister broke the silence first, eyes on the city below, "I'm glad I came, you know. It was good to meet the people you fight with, and I was able to catch up with some of the Kirin Tor who are still here."

"You didn't have to, I would've understood. You were heartbroken when I told you Aerden was still missing, and this might've been your only chance to see him for a while," Fiorenze let the 'and tell him what you said you wanted to tell him in person' remain unspoken.

Pyraelia smiled one of her little, enigmatic smiles and leaned enough to rest her head on her older sister's shoulder, "He didn't invite me, Khaeris did. I don't think he's ready to see me yet, and that's okay. Things happen when they're meant to happen. You worry about that sort of stuff more than I do, I think."

That was certainly true. "All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy and thriving, Rae. Terrible as some of the things were to achieve that… You're the best of us, really. Wiser, more patient—"

"Charming, beautiful, do go on," Pyraelia laughed and threaded her prosthetic fingers through Fiorenze's own that still glowing slightly from the stain of magic she'd used to get up here, "You invited Keranna to this too, I hope? She misses you."

That had been an ongoing difficulty. Fiorenze rest her cheek against the crown of Pyraelia's head before answering plainly, "I did, she declined. Something about being too busy, she's rejoined the Magistry and couldn't get away."

"Ah, yes. Magistry Intelligence, whatever the offer was must have been great enough to tempt her out of retirement. Not that I'm surprised, she's seemed a little bored," Pyraelia sighed a bit and settled, relaxing into the moment.

Fiorenze's brow furrowed. She couldn't help the back slant of her long ears as she ran through all the implications of that particular fact, "Rommath's setting her up for the Director job."

"What?" Pyraelia pulled away to look at her incredulously.

Fiorenze scrunched up her face in frustration, "He offered it to me last year. Implied the current Director was going to be retiring in the next decade or so, I think they've had a falling out and me being the pick must have reached the current Director. That's why Aradana tried to kill me. Considering how clumsy she was about it must be why Rommath wants to clean house."

"Keranna, though? She's…" Pyraelia's brow furrowed then. She looked so much like their mother, sometimes.

"She worked directly for me and was privy to everything I was, she's from a noble family, has no scandals and she's impossibly discrete. If he couldn't have me, she's perfect," Fiorenze sighed, accepting it for what it was.

Pyraelia lifted her brows then and shrugged, "I'm honestly surprised you turned it down. That's pretty much a direct path to Grand Magister if anything ever happened to the current one."

"It was tempting, I thought about accepting. It wasn't for me, though," she smiled at her sister and then looked back down toward where their camp was situated.

Pyraelia followed her gaze and made some connections of her own, "Xylaes?"

Fiorenze scoffed immediately, "No." She waited a beat and frowned, "Maybe. It's complicated. My ambition was a problem and did need to be checked, accepting that role after promising to work on it in an apology to him, of all things, wasn't going to be helpful. But outside of that I did want to figure out who I was without it. The Magistry, the family legacy getting me everything…"

"It can be a layer cake of reasons. This is a good place to figure that out — the camp, I mean. What are you going to do when it's over?" Pyraelia prodded, directly, while leaning against her again. "You can always come live with me, my house is big enough."

She didn't want to do that, though, and she hadn't wanted to really think about it much. "Not sure. The Sunmote lands are still ours, aren't they? Uninhabitable obviously, but ours."

"Technically. And by all rights you are legally still Lady Sunmote, even if the lands being worthless means it's a title only," Pyraelia's voice quirked up in inflection as she tried to figure out where her sister was going with that line of thought, "Why?"

Fiorenze had been able to nurture the giant whitewood tree that they'd spent decades playing under, pushing back the wasting effect of the Dead Scar enough that it had given her a branch to shape into a stave — a great focus for her magic, and a great weapon in case anything got too close to her. She hummed a thoughtful note, "I think I'd like to work on them. The Druids in Lordaeron have made incredible progress on turning back the tide of corruption there… Maybe if I ask nicely the big tree will let me live in it."

Pyraelia's bell like laugh rang out, bright and soothing, "That's the most absurd thing I think I've ever heard you say, but it's not the worst idea you've ever had. Fixing the land there will take centuries, Renzi."

Perhaps it wasn't, and perhaps it would, "I've got nothing but time, darling."

@themercenaries | @kharrisdawndancer / @aerdendios / @xylaes mentioned.

[nelissecrectplace]

Void

ch6

word count: 3k

language: ‘evi- child (affectionate), Skàwng- idiot, muntxate- female spouse / wife, swizaw- arrow

description: With extra help you were successful in speeding up the training of your Iknimaya. Your hopes had been fulfilled as you are thrusted into the battlefield. Though you becoming an adult is not the only thing that has changed as Neteyams family is targeted by the sky people. Sorrows and new threats rip you from the forest back to the dreaded place you grew up.

—————

“Woah didn’t know you were such a natural” Neteyam said as he looked at you with shock and pride.

“To think I would learn faster than the mighty Neteyam” The teasing words left your lips as you laid down your bow striding over to the man. His eyes did not leave you as you approached watching your every movement.

“I am quite sad our time will be cut short because of your natural ability.” Reaching out to you Neteyam pulled you in by your waist. There was a slightly teasing tone to his words as his eye brows lifted. Giggling you looked up at the warrior with loving eyes taking one of his braids between your fingers.

“Our time together will be on the battlefield.”

Yours words were filled with anticipation but Neteyams look did not reflect your feeling as a sorrow seemed to warp his face.

“What is wrong Teyum?”

“Y/n, I fear nothing can prepare you for the sights you will see.” Cupping your face His yellow eyes looked into yours. “I do not want you to change, please stay my y/n?”

His words were almost pleading as he leaned his head on yours. You did not quite know what he meant by his words but you responded in the only way you knew.

“I will always be yours Neteyam.” Softly pressing your lips to his you felt butterflies erupt. A first kiss with a promise, was there any better way to solidify this memory in your minds?

Breaking apart a shaky breath left Neteyams lips as you felt his chest rise and fall. Bringing you back in he kissed you as if he was a starving animal that found its favorite food. A soft sound left your lips as guided his tongue into your mouth, not quite knowing what to do you simply followed along hoping you were preforming well. Lungs starting to burn you pulled apart chest heaving with excitement and lack of breath. A blush rose to your cheeks as you looked at Neteyams whose pupils were blown slightly wider than usual.

The need for more seemed to consume Neteyam as he looked at your flustered state, cheeks rosy and panting. You were more beautiful than any sight he had seen with your newly braided hair flowing down, longer than any na’vis braid in the clan. Feeling his eyes scan you you brung the breaded braids to your front falling into your old habit of hiding.

“You look beautiful no need to hide muntxate.”

Neteyams words made you impossibly more fluster as he spat out the title. Not quite knowing what to do with yourself you quickly changed the subject.

“Shouldn’t I be getting my first kill to bring back to the clan?” Nervousness was evident in your voice as it quivered. Neteyam only laughed at your cuteness as he wrapped his hands around you guiding you through the forests.

“Let’s get on with it then, shall we?”

~~~~~

The kill was quickly and easy, because of your skill as a warrior. You brung the animal back to the clan with pride seeping from your ever pore. Jake was please with your fast progress and achievements while your father did not express his excitement. Antu seemed quite disappointed that his little girl was to fight alone side him sooner than expect. He knew you were fastly approaching seventeen but he could not come to peace with the thought of you being a warrior.

You did not miss your fathers sour mood as you tracked through the mountains to the ikrans home. It slightly hurt seeing him so down at an achievement you felt was great but you kept on trying to keep your spirts high. Jake approved the journey right away which is extremely rare but you felt you were ready to claim your ikran. The clan leader had expressed his want for you to scout on their next raid, you father visibly scowled when he made this suggestion but did not apose his clan leader.

Although you were drowning in confidence and excitement you felt slight fear in the back of your mind. You wanted to prove to you father that you were ready, a strong warrior who could fight along side him, and this was your only chance to do that. You did not want the tension and disputes in your home for the past couple months to be for nothing, desiring to prove your father wrong.

Thankfully your thoughts were brought to an end as your eyes set upon the dozens of ikrans in front of you. Almost as if sensing your doubts start to rise Neteyam placed a hand on your shoulder looking at you with an expression that needed no words to communicate. Turning behind you your eyes scanned the small group of warriors that companied you including your father and kiri.

Sending a thumbs up kiri supported you from afar. Whipping back around you took light yet confident steps towards the beasts. Wind shot past you as ikran after ikran took off until one didn’t. The beasts body moved menacingly towards you as its beady eyes zero in on your form. It was beautiful with a glowing blue and green coloring mirroring the ilu from your childhood in an eerie way. Brown marking covered it’s body instead of black and you couldn’t help but feel humored, of course the different colored ikran would chose you.

Your slight amusement was short lived as the beast jerked its head out towards you. Its jaws clamped harshly on the air as a roar breached its throat. Heart beating into your throat your body began to move on its own diving around the beast pursuit as you eventually wrapped the rope around its face. You heard the hoots and hollers of your companions but it was as if you were underwater barley being able to hear them as you wrestled with the beast.

It looked as if you were bull riding as you jerked around on the ikran, it felt like hours had passed as you struggled to make the bond. Your muscles burned as you tried to control the animals using all your strength in the chaotic moments. Eventually the bond was made as the noises of the world seemed to come back. You felt the ikran breath as you looked over to the group pure joy painted on your face. Your clan members whooped and hollered as your father wore a proud look. The sight made your heart swell.

“The first flight seals the bond go y/n!” Ushering you to fly kiri motioned to the ledge of the cliff. You were quick to obey commanding your ikran to swoop down.

You felt a sense of freedom overtake you as you plunged off the edge. Your braid aggressively whipped behind you as the wind took your breath away. Leveling out you felt as if you were a feather floating along the wind currents of the sky feeling the wind guide you along its path.

A series of whoops knocked you out of your state of peace. Neteyam soared towards you a smile painted across his face. You could not help but laugh as his ikran circled around with yours. Copying his actions you flew around each other in harmony as a series of happy cries left you lips. You were now a warrior, one of the people, and a protector of your people.

—————————

Jake was soon to realize how beneficial it was to have a healer on the battlefield. You could not preform major operations but you could prevent fatal injury’s with your knowledge as well as guiding na’vi with instructions over your throat mic. You were an amazing asset to the raids, holding yourself in battle and supporting your fellow na’vi. When you were not scouting you were next to one of the Sullys or Antu aiding them in their advances.

It did seem that your father was always aiding you as well never letting you stay out of his sight. It annoyed you but you knew the man wouldn’t change his behaviors, he was always looking out for his little girl no matter how grown you claimed to be. Antu was not perfect so on rare ocasiones he was not watching you like a hawk you and Lo’ak flew to places you shouldn’t be slightly disobeying orders to be more useful in battles. The benefits were always fruitful so the two of you did not intend to stop despite Neteyams nagging.

As you soared next to Lo’ak you thought today would be similar as you and the youngest Sully boy were put on scouting duty. Your father was with the ground, Neteyam at his parents hips, so you and Lo’ak were free from any prying eyes. Today was a supply stock up attacking the sky people’s supply train to obtain more guns, throat mics, etc.

“Bro! Let’s go down and help there’s no way those gun ships are making it here in under five!”

“Ok, but if we get caught your ass is mine!” Shouting back to Lo’ak you order Swizaw to swoop down making a swift landing on the ground. Lo’ak is quick to run past you collecting a gun. He pounded his chest slight as he did a small war cry. Laughing at his stupidity you took a gun as well slinging it around your shoulder.

“Do you even know how to shoot it?” Amused you scanned Lo’ak with a doubtful gaze.

“Unlike you, I actually do.” Cocking the gun he wore a cocky expression side eyeing you.

Opening your mouth to reply the words never left as the sounds of blades cutting through the air made you whipped your body around. immediately your hands reached for your throat mic, but there is no time for reaction as the gun ship began to fire. A blast propelled you forwards as you felt your body collide with the ground.

Yours ears rang painfully as you pried your eyes open. The pain seeping in slowly as you felt the lack of air in your lungs, body stinging and burning. Harshly being pulled up did not help the growing pain, but you simply did not have the air to respond. Panicked eyes darting around you landed on a familiar face close to yours as the sounds around you started to creep in.

“You skxáwng, What are you doing out here?! Disobeying direct orders!”

Although he was scolding Neteyam did not glance your way as he rushed to his ikran. His movements were fast and panicked as he placed you on his Ikran.

“Neteyam..” Words weak and quiet you attempted to respond to the man as your breathing stabilized.

“Do not speak!” The words almost came out as a hiss, disapproval and frustration evident in his tone. Keeping your mouth shut you did just as he told too busy trying to take everything in as the stings of your wounds got increasingly worse.

~~~~~~

In your opinion Neteyams Ikran landed way too soon as you and Lo’ak were stood in front of a fuming jake. Ears dropped down you avoided your clan leaders angry gaze bringing you hair to the front of you. The stinging of your wounds seemed long forgotten under the gaze of an angry Jake.

“You guys disobeyed direct orders! You could’ve gotten yourselves killed today, you could have gotten warriors killed today!” The harshness of Jakes voice made you flinch as you reluctantly met his gaze. Although it was no longer directed at you as he slightly shifted towards Lo’ak.

“You relize Y/n almost got killed because of you!” Eyes ridden with guilt Lo’ak took a quick glance towards you, his tail drooped. You also felt guilt arise as you looked at the boy he was not the only one to blame as you were quick to go along with his plan. Luckily, the lecture did not last long as Kiri was quick to intervene.

“Father my brother and y/n are literally bleeding.” Warm hands were placed around you as kiri looked into her father a stern look painted over her features.

“Ugh, go get patched up. No flying for two months, the both of you!” His stern voiced raised as he turned away from the two of you. Anger was evident in his stride but you payed no mind as you quickly made your way to the healers tent. Although the situation did not improve as you sat to get your wounds treated, as your father was soon to enter.

“What were you thinking Y/n” You did not know if you flinched because of the paste put on your wound or the harsh tone of your father. He never used your name. “You put everyone in danger, you almost died!” Crossing his arms your father glared down at you with disappointment.

“Father I only wanted to help!”

“I do not want excuses, you will not be seen on a battlefield for a month.” Sternly your father gave you your punishment swirly exiting the tent. Feeling embarrassed by the public scolding you casted a shy gaze to Lo’ak and Kiri who was working on your wounds.

“ I am sorry if i had not purposed the idea we would not be in this.”

“It’s not your fault Lo’ak we both got ourselves in this mess.” Shooting him a smile you pushed down your self loathing, attempting to comfort the boy.

“In my opinion are both Skxáwngs.” Jokingly kiri threw out her jab trying to lighten the mood. A small smile graced your lips at her attempt grateful she was not scolding you as well.

“I will tell the next to come in.”

Humming in response kiri began to worn on Lo’ak. Dusting off your loincloth you swiftly left informing the next na’vi in line. Walking to your pod you did not make it far before a familiar voice reached your ears.

“What you did today was stupid.”

“Neteyam I have heard enough scolding today, so if that’s all you intend to do save it.”

Neteyam huffed slightly displeased with your attitude yet continue to walk along side you.

“We are only worried, scared even, no one wants to lose you. When I saw you on the ground you do not understand the panic that raced through me.”

“I am right here Neteyam. No measly explosion can take me out.” Grasping his hand with yours you looked up at the latter. His loving gaze soon fell upon you as he squeezed your hand.

“Just,,stay with me tonight?”

Humming in response you hugged the boys arms leaning into his body. Neteyam felt a comfort as he felt your body heat mix with his.

It was almost as if he needed the contact to reassure himself you were here safe and in his arms. He could not lose the only thing that seemed to keep him sane in this time of war.

———————-

Without the duty of a warrior your free time seemed to be so large it was driving you insane. Of course you went back to healing but there was only so much too do the days there were no battles. You found yourself spending a large amount of your time with Kiri and Lo’ak. Today the three of you plus tuk and spider went exploring the forest out of pure boredom. The human and twelve year old ended up being swept up along the way. The only reason Tuk accompanied was her threat to tell her dad, you were already in enough trouble as is.

“Keep up Tuk, your slowing us down!” The annoyance in Lo’aks voice was prevalent.

“Do not speak to her like that!” Quick to stand up for her little sister kiri scolded her younger brother only to get an eye roll in return.

“We should be turning back anyway eclipse is near.” Pointing out the obvious you motioned to the sky. Your comment was long forgotten though as Spider called out too the three of you. The others seemed to rush too his side while you walked behind lazily.

You had a growing distaste for the human ever since you had seen Zey die. You knew it was not his fault and he had no connection to those people but you could not look at the sky person without feeling slight disgust since. Humans were a parasite on your planet and there’s not much anyone could do too change your mind. You had a slightly hoped to see him half eaten when you arrived but you were disappointed, as he and Lo’ak were hunched over something.

“What is so interesting?” Shoving the human to the side you peered at the ground. The sight made your blood run cold as you examined the giant print.

“It’s from Na’vi but not one of ours.” Standing Lo’ak announced his observation begging to track the prints. Harshly grabbing his shoulder a tense silence seemed to fall among the group as Lo’ak sent you a confused look.

“Neteyam mentioned they were using avatars to fight occasionally a while ago. I think we should head back it is dangers!”

“Don’t be a wuss Y/n” Shrugging your hand off his shoulder Lo’ak slightly laughed as he and Spider continue their tracking. Shooting Kiri a worried look your friend only shrugged her shoulder as she follow. Reluctantly, you did the same feeling a horrible feeling arise in your stomach.

The feeling only seemed to intensify when you caught sight of the na’vi in camo. They were too far away to hear anything but you knew that the four of you should not be here. They wielded guns that could take you out before you even killed half of them, the thought made you shiver.

“We should call this in.” Spider stated as you looked at Lo’ak with worry.

“Do not! We are not suppose to be here.”

“I got to y/n; this is big.” Flashing you with sympathetic eyes Lo’ak began to call it in telling his father all the details. Everyone visibly cringed as he listed your names to his father, knowing you were dead once you all returned to highcamp. Following jakes orders the four of you began to quietly make your way out of there. Tuk led the way with you not far behind her trying to keep the girl a safe distance from you.

Your efforts seemed to be in vain as a soldier came out grabbing the young girl by her queue. You felt panic arise as you quickly drew your bow not wasting any time to shoot it through the aggressors skull. Your one kill was futile tho as three avatar warriors were quick to press your body into the ground pulling painfully on your braid. Lo’ak and spider drew their bows but it was no use as the enemy already had you, Kiri and Tuk in their hold.

Seeing their odds the two surrendered throwing down their bows as two of the na’vi’s on you left to hold the boys. You were painfully brought up by your queue by the soldier as they held you aggressively keeping you in place. Kiri chanted to be calm in a state of panic but it did not help as the soldiers shushed her.

You felt lost and helpless in this avatars hold as the soldiers spoke a language you could not understand. Unlike the sullys your father refused to let you speak or learn a lick of english. You only understood a bit of the conversation as Lo’ak states he ‘did not speak english to idiots’. If you were not in this situation it would make you laugh but no humor could be found in the moment.

Terror shot through your body as the soldier reached for his knife. A horrible scream left your lips as you pulled on the na’vis hold attempting to get to Lo’ak. You could not hear the cries of tuk or protest or Spider and Kiri as your own panic drowned them out. a darkness engulfed your vision as the only thing you could see as Lo’ak with the knife to his throat and the enemy na’vi.

Your tail harshly swept under the na’vi bringing you bring you both to the ground as they gripped your queue. At the moment of impact they slightly let go, using that to your advantage you shot up towards Quaritch. You did not have a plan as you tackled him to the ground, your only thought being to protect Lo’ak, to do what you could not do with Zey. Your moment of advantage quickly left as the knife was now to your throat as you were pulled back by your braids.

“Tie her up! She’s dangerous. The lab rats with have a blast with her”

Bending down the one you named their ‘leader’ gripped your tail. You harshly jerked it out of his grip as his lackeys tied you painfully tight too a tree. Eclipse has stuck as rain fell making the situation more uncomfortable than it already was. There was a silent tension as the soldiers held onto your friend. They seemed to constantly be taking glances towards you disgusting gazed burning into your skin. Some of them didn’t even try to hide it even poking at your tail.

Your hissed were futile as you were basically immobile besides your lower half. Hope began to leave you as minutes passed but it was not completely gone as a familiar sound breached your ears. You felt your body relax as you heard Neytiri familiar call.

It seemed to all happened so fast as The Sullys bit their captors running into the forest. Neteyam used his siblings distraction to cut you free running along side you into the forest. Soaked plants collided coldly with your skin as you rushed along side him adrenalin pumping. You couldn’t not process the bodies that had fallen on you from Neteyams arrows your mind only telling you to listen to his words and get away.

Shock was the only word to describe your state as you came to stop. Kiri had tears streaming down her face as tuk ran into her fathers arms. You could not breath as Neteyam blocked your view with his body squishing you into him. Wrapping your arms around him you felt tears prick your eyes, pulling him impossibly closer. You did not know what was going on entirely but deep down you knew this event signified change. A change you were not ready for.

———————

The change you were expecting came sooner than you thought. It has not been even two days until a anxious Neteyam approached, sadness in his eyes. Your father was next to him wearing a stone face as they entered the pod. Placing aside your weaving you were quick to stand meeting them half way.

“What is wrong?”

A deep sigh left your fathers lips as he looked at you with apologetic eyes.

“There is a situation…” Motioning to the ground the three of you sat. Neteyam placed himself to your right as your father sat in front of you. Confusion swept your features at your fathers vagueness, worry settling in. Antu motioned for Neteyam to continue for him, your eyes now on your fiancé.

“I can not stay here, my family, my blood is putting the clan in danger.”

“What?” You felt dread settle in your stomach at Neteyams words. “But we are to be mated you can not leave me!”

“Calm ‘evi, we will be venturing with them, helping them find refuge. With your features and my reef life knowledge it should not be hard. “

Mixed emotions and questions seemed to bounce around your brain, thoughts scrambled. The two men sat in silence as they waited for you to process their words. The sadness and dread did not seem to leave when you interpreted the meaning.

“We are to go back to the reef!? That dreadful place?!” Betrayal is what you felt as your rose to your feet anger evident. Horrid memories flashed in your mind as you remembered the weak little girl, crying on the sand.

“I have made up my mind. Would you really want to stay without the Sullys? They are like family ‘evi.” Trying to tame the situation Antu walked towards you hands motioning in a calm manner. His efforts were futile tho as you only felt your anger rise.

“This is my home! My friends, my people, my future as Tsahík!”

“Y/n, with me gone that is not guaranteed. Please understand, would you wish to be apart from me?”

Intervening Neteyam attempted to reason but to no avail. He did not know the things you had gone through on that reef, the pain you felt. Brushing his hand off your stormed out the tent in a rage. You did not even notice Tseo outside your pod quickly brushing past him.

“Woah! Y/n everything ok?”

Tseos words fell to deaf ears as you rapidly made your way to your ikran. Quickly calling Swizaw you removed yourself from high camp. A worried Tseo followed silently, knowing his friend was in distress he did not attempt to call out.

The tears that breached your eyes were swept away by the wind as you soared through the sky. You took in the forest examining everything with great detail. A sorrow consumed you as the thought of this being your last view broke your heart. The forest was your home, it did not matter that you were born on that horrid island, you never wanted to set foot on that sand again. It did not matter how much you had changed the scars left from your childhood could not simply go away.

———————-

Your resistance did not do much to stop the situation. The day Tseo ran out after you many words of comfort were exchanged. You both cried and hugged dreading the thought of you leaving. As Tseo helped you pack up your things as immense guilt filled you. It was not because you were missing your uncles coronation to be clan leader but because you felt as if you were leaving Tseo alone.

“I feel your eyes on me y/n, I do not need your pity.”

“Tseo…I do not wish to leave you here, alone.”

Walking over to you the warrior placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“I am not alone, I have my clan. Plus you will write me letters won’t you?” Hanging you your final bag Tseo shot you a bitter sweet smile.

“I miss the simple times, when it was the three of us having no worries but the gossip we would tell at communal dinners.” Tears pricked your eyes at the thought. Tseo shared a similar look of sadness eyes glossing over.

Pulling you into him the both of you hugged with such a force that seems to embody all your sorrow, pain, and the love you shared for each other. Tears ran down your cheeks as you looked at your dear friend.

“This is not our final goodbye.”

“Of course, I will see you again tseo.” Although these words were said the tears running down your face told another story.

“Now let’s get you to your ikran your father is probably waiting.”

Giving a small nods you both left the now empty pod. As you reached the ikran the tears could not seem to stop as you hugged your friend once more. Taking off you felt saddened consumed you, silent sobs leaving you as you watched your friends form gets smaller and the forest get left behind. Neytiri shared a similar state to yours her cheek were stained with tears.

Although the warrior had kept his composure for a while, your dear friend was in a similar state. Once you were out of earshot sobs left Tseo’s throat, it seemed that his last part of his past lover was taken away. His closed friend and lover gone the man felt a sorrow that compared to no other. But after hours past Tseo had to rise to his feet and continue with life. The life Eywa had blessed him with even if it was ridden with sorrows and pain.

Little did Tseo know there was a na’vi who looked over him in his vulnerable state. Her heart filled with sadness at his pain yet she did not have the courage to comfort him. Although Tseo did not know he had a bright happy future not far from his grasp with his secret admirer playing an unforeseen role.

——————————-

@ultimatebluff

[happistar]

Day 2: Mindscape

---

"Ughhh," Jeremy groans, face red with embarrassment. He ducks into his seat, slouching over. The Squip sends a quick pulse, jolting his back up right.

"That was painful to watch."

"You think?" Jeremy raises an eyebrow at the projection in front of him covering his view of his teacher. "I fully panicked. Said all the wrong things like I normally do! Then, I made myself look like a freak. Its just-- the worst habit and impossible to break!"

"Now, now, Jeremy, don't be so harsh on yourself." The Squip flashes a perfect smile. "Progress takes time. You won't get the hang of this immediately."

Jeremy turns his face away to stare out the window.

"Pouting there won't help you achieve your goals. Now, find an opportunity get into the bathroom," the Squip directs.

Jeremy scrunches his face in defiance. "Why?"

"I'll show you something."

Jeremy does just that and manages to slip out the classroom and dart into the nearest bathroom which luckily happens to be empty.

"So what did you want to show me?" Jeremy says, hunching over as he sits down in one of the stalls. "Seems like just a dirty high school bathroom to me."

"Yes, but it also serves as a quiet location. Now, close your eyes." The Squip speaks within Jeremy's head, almost indistinguishable from his own thoughts. Thanks to a lack of physical manifestation in the close stall, Jeremy almost feels like he's hallucinating it all. Getting the hang of having a squip still is a struggle.

"You're not hallucinating. Close your eyes."

Jeremy exhales and does so. Within seconds a huge dark blue expanse with a grid patterned floor surrounds him.

"Wh--" he chokes on his breath, forcing his eyes back open. The expanse disappears partially, merging with the real bathroom stall like a bugged out texture in a video game. A wave of nausea flashes over Jeremy and he shuts his eyes again. Both the expanse and the bathroom vanish. "What was that?"

"Working out a few bugs, hold on a moment. Whatever you do, don't open your eyes yet."

Jeremy frowns, keeping them closed. In a moment, the expanse reappears, opening up more gradually, giving Jeremy a better look at it.

"How can I see, well, whatever this is, with my eyes closed?"

"Simple hacking of your visual cortex. Think of it like dreaming. What you saw a moment ago was the start up of the program. There were couple of bugs when it booting up, since its an artificial process."

The Squip appears in a flurry of glitches, hands crossed behind its back. "Everything should now be in order. Feel free to open or close your eyes, the visual should be synced."

"Right..." Jeremy shakes his head taking a step forward. The floor beneath him lights up and a branching path of circuits spreads out from his footprint. "What is this place though?"

"Your mind."

"My mind?" Jeremy steps back in shock, almost tripping over himself. He glances around, brows pressed firmly together. "But how? And why is it so... blank?"

"I should be more clear. This is more or less a visual representation of how I interact with your mind. I've currently cleared the clutter of neural activity to let you adjust."

"That's so cool!" Jeremy grins. "So what is it you do here?"

"That's what I wanted to discuss actually." The Squip gestures out, a screen appearing before it. "You believe you cannot break a habit or change your behavior. I'm here to tell you that you're wrong."

It scrolls on its screen, adjusting a bar. A once clear sky becomes a distant night of tangles of red and blue lines. The Squip looks up, tilts its head in calculation and pulls its arm down, bringing a red line along with it. With another gesture, it separates it from the hoard, leaving the small link floating above them.

"Reach out."

Jeremy does as it instructs and watches as the link gently falls into his hands.

"How can I hold it? This is like weird really VR."

"I'm activating your sensory information in response to your activity here. Thus, when you feel a sensation in your hands, you will feel it in reality.

Jeremy nods along, more focused on holding the link in his hands like he's water bending.

"Its a finely tuned process. One misstep and you may break something."

Jeremy suddenly feels perspiration on his hands and swallows uncomfortably. He stops his motions and holds out his hands, forming a plate carrying the link.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine." The Squip gestures dismissively. "Now, that link there controls your habit of flailing your hands whenever you get anxious. If you simply remold it, it'll get rid of your muscle memory's history of the action entirely. Of course, relapses can occur-- that's why spinal stimulation is so important-- but smaller actions can be easily reprogrammed."

"That seems like a lot," Jeremy pauses, uncertain. "How do I do it?"

The Squip smiles, taking the link out of Jeremy's hands and untangling part of it, turning the red into blue. "Like this. Here, try."

Jeremy gives it a shot, untangling it into a crooked, yet blue line. "This good?"

The Squip nods. "Perfect. Now, why don't we return to class and give it a shot? See if the habit remains." It smiles one last time and snaps its finger. Suddenly, the expanse containing Jeremy's mindscape jarringly vanishes.

[artiststarme]

So, I haven’t been too invested in Stranger Things lately but I am reading a lot of 9-1-1! I figured I would try out some writing for that fandom. Enjoy!

~*~*~*~

The 118 always felt like a family to Buck. From the moment he started as a probie, he felt something there. Over the years, he grew from the annoying little brother that everyone reluctantly put up with to a (sometimes) respected member of the family. Hen and Chim were the siblings he always wanted, Bobby was the father he never knew he needed, and Eddie. He was the love of his life, his best friend that Buck could always count on.

Sure, there were moments that tried to shake his beliefs. The lawsuit left him estranged from his family, abandoned like his parents and Maddie had done when he was a kid. Eddie getting shot shook him and left him ungrounded. The taste of blood in his mouth didn’t lessen until Eddie was back at his house with Buck hovering like a mother hen.

The point though was that the 118 was Buck’s family.

He thought that until his whole world started fracturing. Maddie left him again after promising to never leave again. Just like she had done was a teenager, she left him despite sacred pinky promises and a family that loved her. He knew she wasn’t in the best headspace but his hurt didn’t see logic, it just saw his sister abandoning him again.

Buck tried to look after Chimney and Jee in her absence like he promised her, devotedly caring for them and for her until a sucker punch stole his devotion. He wasn’t in his loft with his friend, coworker, and future brother in law then. No, Buck was back in his childhood living room drenched in fear, cowering away from the hatred his dad threw at him. Just like back then, he couldn’t fight back. He couldn’t explain his side of things or try to protect his sister. Instead, he shrunk back from Chimney and escaped into the dissociation he adopted when his dad had hit him as a child.

Buck was already drowning when Eddie announced that he was leaving the 118, leaving Buck. He still held onto their friendship and the hope for more with both hands for as long as he could but the one-sided efforts grew exhausting. Soon, Buck stopped reaching out first and without his attempts at contact, all of his relationships that he held in such high regard were eventually extinguished. Even Eddie cast him aside. The man he’d come to love so much stopped reaching out. Sure, their shifts didn’t always coincide and Buck was probably annoying when they did get together. But that was the last straw. As soon as he lost the Diazes, something in him snapped. That was when he stopped treading water and let the waves take him.

He stopped trying to keep his family together, he stopped making plans, and taking care of himself. What was the point? All he wanted in the world was a family that would be there for him and stick around but it seemed impossible to achieve.

For once, he wanted to be the one who left first. His parents were never there, Maddie kept leaving him even when she said she never would again, and the 118 wasn’t a family after all, just as Bobby had said way back when. When he mentioned a transfer initially, Eddie had told him not to because they were a “family”.

There was no one to stop him now. So, Buck transferred to a new station across town. He uprooted his life; moved to a new apartment, established a new routine, found a new hiking spot.

But reminders of his failed attempts at a family were everywhere. He would see billboards of DV and think of how strong Maddie was to survive all those years, he’d see recipe cards at the grocery store and think of making them with Bobby, he’d see kids and think of how long it had been since he’d seen Christopher, and he’d flinch at hands moving toward him and think of Chimney.

Across town wasn’t far enough. So after six months, he transferred to Chicago. Despite loathing the cold, something in Buck missed the snow. He found the busiest station there and decided to try again. The Buckley’s weren’t a family, the 118 never was despite the facade, and the Diazes weren’t his family. But maybe he could try again at Station 51 in Chicago.

He threw all of his effort into bringing his dream to life once again, the 118 being lost as just another bad memory to him.

He didn’t hear about Eddie going back to the 118, Maddie or Chimney going back home, or Hen staying at the 118 instead of pursuing medical school. He cut his losses just as his sister had modeled for him so many times before. This time, it was Maddie and the rest of the 118 being abandoned and Buck could move on with his life in a way he never had before. Without regret.

@nburkhardt

[miraruinada]

When Granja Recognized Iovan

"Subjectification is love. But why do we love someone like that? Let's leave the matter here. I gave it a formula. I was talking about self-relating negativity in terms which are full of traps. That's not unusual. Everything I say has traps. Why on earth would I say it was about something else when it's about the spirit? We know that language never gives, never allows us to formulate anything but things which have three, five, twenty-five meanings. The subject presumed to know."

Granja, as he spoke in this lecture, could not finish this specific line of thought. Iovan Herrera, before then simply a person who'd sneaked into those lectures, felt a desire to stand up, walk up to the podium, and wash her hands inside Granja's pitcher of water. Granja watched her without saying a word. Iovan continued without saying a word. They did not speak until at last other students stood up to try and drag her away.

"What's this? Are you going to rough me up? I was just expressing myself, like this gentlewoman, understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

"I'd just like to add I specifically chose this moment to intervene, and that the composite body which up to fifty years ago could be called culture, that is, people expressing in fragmented ways what they feel, is now a lie and can only called spectacle. The backdrop of which is tied to, and serves as, a link between all alienated individual activities.

"If all people here and now were to join together and, freely and authentically, wanted to communicate, it'd be on a different basis, with a different perspective. Of course, this can't be expected of students who by definition will one day become the managers of our system, with their justifications, and who are also the public whom, with a guilty conscience, will pick up the remains of the decaying spectacle.

"That's why I chose this precise moment to have some fun, to be like those guys who express themselves authentically. I didn't do it to annoy you, but I did choose this particular moment."

The lecture hall applauded. Granja asked Iovan to sit down beside him, and began to speak in response. A few students lingered next to Iovan. Some of them, Ignacio Otxo, Hugo Valdez, were among the first members of the Young Farmers.

"So, let's see what we can do. By expressing yourself in this way, in front of this audience which is more than ready to hear these revolutionary statements. What was it exactly that you wanted to do?"

"That's the question which parents, sages, ideologues, bureaucrats, and the polis always ask the growing number of people who act like me. My answer is, I want to do just one thing. Revolution. It's clear that, at the stage we've reached at this moment, one of our main targets will be exactly those moments when people like you are bringing to people like these justification for their miserable lives. That's what you do."

"Not at all."

After a few seconds of silence, Iovan splashed water on Granja and stormed off. Some of the students followed her. Ignacio stayed, Hugo followed Iovan. Granja was not angered at her actions, only annoyed that his cigarette was snuffed from the water. As he lit his cigarette and wiped his clothes with a napkin, he continued.

"Let's hope there'll be a new organization. It's not impossible, you know? It's not impossible that we see it born in the form of a rule which is called, which goes by the name of that supreme aspiration: that is the whole. As she was just saying, we should all be a part of it, we should close ranks together to achieve... Well, what exactly? What does organization mean if not a new order? A new order is the return to something which, if you remember the premise from which I started, is the order of the discourse of the master, simply that.

"It's the one word which hasn't been mentioned, but it's the very term which organization implies. It is quite conceivable that there be a lot of progress in this sense. If we can call that progress. I mean, what we discover from getting close to what is happening to a certain number of people, that is, that certain something invaluable, which she referred to as will just now, subjective will. This subjective will, if we look at in an absolutely permanent sense, can only manifest itself through its own division, since it is doubtless meant to suggest something to us. It's not, however, our image of the achievement of total harmony. You heard an appeal, one familiar to me. It was very touching, despite the fact that it led to a few problems with my tie.

"It's love! It's love telling you that if we were all like that, all together, loving each other, it would herald the dawn of a New Tenochtitlan. We've seen it various times in history, but never at just any old moment. It happens because something manifests itself which is not strictly within the order of discourse, because there has been a discourse which is proliferating and engendering innumerable little ones, which makes all of you terribly uncomfortable. There is a scientific discourse whose very presence threatens us with the idea that things will be resolved in terms of mechanics, ballistics, equilibria, currents, and the more we understand the better. We'll soon be like products, a certain type of individual who'll fit in with everyone and everything.

"But experience shows us that things aren't like that. What experience shows us is that it is one language, the one you've all grown up with, which you received from the world, from your family. It's something which couldn't have been transmitted to you without bringing with it a whole vibrant, confused reality which was formed by the desires of your parents. So an individual's upbringing is influenced by the parent, by the parental language, by that fundamental something. That is where love turns towards that kind of vibrant call, to that union with... What? With something which is obviously very alienating. What is really incredible is that she imagined that, by beating the sky with her fists, that this alienation which was exactly what she was telling you about is a sort of... An appeal for what? For more of what? For more truth?

"Her words were identical to the truth she believed at that moment, and she became the instrument, the messenger, the angel come to rescue you from your sleep, in the end!"

This incident was also the moment of birth of the Young Farmers.

[josefavomjaaga]

Brun de Villeret about Marshal Victor

Claude-Victor Perrin aka Marshal Victor is one of the marshals I know the least about. So I was quite happy to find Soult’s aide de camp Brun de Villeret wrote a bit about him in his Cahiers. As this journal was never intended for publication, it’s likely to contain Brun’s honest (if possibly exaggerated) opinion.

Victor was, together with Mortier, one of the marshals who found themselves under the superior command of one marshal Soult during their sojourn in Spain (and didn’t like it one bit). Victor specifically was tasked with the siege of Cadix. When Napoleon sent Masséna into Portugal in the third and last attempt to occupy the country, he demanded Soult come to his support. Soult decided to besiege the fort of Badajoz together with Mortier and for that purpose had to take a larger number of troops from Andalusia into Estremadura, stretching himself dangerously thin. The Spanish troops in Cadix used that opportunity to attack Victor’s siege forces and even had some small successes before being driven back into Cadix. As Brun puts it:

[...] Some of our redoubts had been taken and demolished. The damage was easily repaired, however, and the Duke of Bellune could only congratulate himself on his victory and the way he had conducted his business.

Unfortunately, the gloomy mood which dominated him and still dominates him in all the circumstances of life, led him to believe that the Duke of Dalmatia had wanted to sacrifice him, by weakening the forces he had in Andalusia and taking the Duke of Treviso to Estremadura. He wrote him bitter and reproachful letters. As I was on fairly intimate terms with him, given that my brother was one of his aides-de-camp and had his confidence, the Duke of Dalmatia thought it appropriate to send me to him as a mediator, with the mission of trying to soothe his bad mood.

I see. The Brun brothers. Unofficial psychotherapists of the Armée de Midi.

I found him furious. He had retired to bed and received me while in bed. For two hours, his ravings were so violent that it was impossible for me to reach the end of a sentence. Finally, exhausted from shouting, he allowed me to speak.

Brun: Can I say something now?

Victor [sheepish]: Yes. I am hoarse and my throat hurts.

I managed to make him understand that with his talents, his reputation and three divisions as fine as his own, he should not be surprised that the Duke of Dalmatia had counted on him to defend his lines and cover the south of Andalusia. "You have," I finally said, "responded perfectly to this hope and added a fine jewel to your military crown. For our part, we have obtained great results [...] In short, since success has crowned your defence as well as our undertaking, you would be doing yourself a disservice in the eyes of the Emperor if you were to cast a negative light on what has been achieved." While I was speaking, his face had become serious, and he had resumed that air of benevolence he had always treated me with, when I did not have to address him on his relations with the Duke of Dalmatia. He even showed me the most delicate attentions and sent me away very satisfied with the result of my mission, and bearing answers written in a perfectly moderate style. I knew how to deal with him, and the Duke of Dalmatia knew it too: let him exhaust his ire and his verve. Afterwards, he would listen to reason. Also, during my stay in Spain, I had the opportunity to carry out several missions of the same kind.

One of them apparently included Victor shouting to Brun for another hour about how Soult never sent him enough food and how he was about to starve with his troops, before Brun finally could present him all certificates of receipt for Victor’s corps, proofing that the food Victor claimed was missing had very well arrived, and announce that Soult, nevertheless, had sent off some more boats with food for Victor’s corps. As Brun remarks at this occasion, Victor was "a better warrior than a good administrator".

But my favourite part about the scene Brun describes is that Victor apparently, all the time while he was raging to Brun about Soult’s injustice, was lying in bed. So he was like, yelling at the ceiling, his head in the pillows? Did he also wear a night gown and a sleeping cap?