#that like. i was never gonna schedule an appointment by myself and i needed to ask someone to do it for me

[mugiwara--ya]

oh btw guess who just got

✨ Medicated ✨

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Ya boi got a new medicine and a therapist.

[thegaythespian]

every night I consider pulling an all nighter, already going to bed too late to not be tired in the morning

[bonny-kookoo]

Ooo now I'm even more curious,

Bonny has the ilysib talked to each about their trauma and wounds that happened with their own past relationships? And if they're still healing from that or if it's just smth that's left in the past

I know it was kind of mention before with ocs parents and her relationship with them but I wonder is she ever experience smth similar in any of her romantic relationships

I love this couple and I love seeing then grow together 🫶🏼

"Jungkookie- baby can you get the door please, I'm still naked!" You call out from the bathroom, and Jungkook calls back a simple affirmation that he's gonna do just that- by now definitely comfortable enough in both your home and with you to do these things.

"Huh? Who are you?" The woman in front of the door asks, face confused, before the man behind her looks over her shoulder.

"Do you live here?" He asks, and Jungkook tilts his head with a curious but suspicious frown on his face.

"I- somewhat. What do you need?" He asks politely, when the bathroom door opens.

"Who was it Koo-" you drift off, not finishing your sentence, and Jungkook can instantly feel the way you tense up in a defensive stance. "What do you want." You ask lowly like a predator warning it's enemy, and he can feel his skin become oddly cold.

He's never seen you like this.

"Checking up on you?" The man says, almost scoffs. "You never call. We didn't even know you have a boyfriend now." He accuses.

"Maybe I just don't want to annoy you with my stupidity." You bark back, gently placing your hand on Jungkook's side to push him slightly away from the door. "I'm alive, cool, now leave."

"We're your parents- we have a right to know what's going on in your life." Your mother says, eyes tearing up. Jungkook feels a bit bad for her. He doesn't know the situation after all.

"You had that right, you didn't want it." You shake your head. "Now go before I call the cops on you."

"You wouldn't do that. I raised you god damn-!" you father says, angrily, pointing a finger at you. You step back, bump into Jungkook's chest-

And then he feels it.

You're shaking, body trembling against his. And he's not sure what kind of instinctual behavior suddenly comes over him- but his hands find your shoulders, keep you close, before he reaches out for the door.

"I think it's best you leave. She clearly doesn't want you here." He politely tells them, and before they can say anything more, he shakes his head. "I will genuinely call the police to have you removed, please." He asks one last time, before he closes the door. The doorbell rings. Knocks are heard. You turn around and begin to cry in his chest.

He's not sure what must've happened between you and your parents to have such a strong reaction to it- bit it must've been bad, if you're this upset at just them visiting.

Now that he thinks about it, you never really tall about them at all.

"I'm sorry." You somewhat get out as you lean back from him on the couch, knocks still echoing. "They're not gonna leave." You sigh, wiping your face somewhat dry.

"Then we'll actually call the cops, no worries." He shrugs, when the knocking stops.

"You won't even call your own doctor's office to schedule an appointment." You huff, and he rolls his eyes before he laughs, pulling you back into his chest. "Got me all soft for you though, acting like a knight in shining armor and all.." you mumble, and he hums a reply simply, a hand on your shoulder carefully running up and down to soothe you. "I don't like them."

"I guessed as much." He chuckles, and you wiggle closer to him.

"My mom always said I don't put enough effort into myself. My appearance, my life, anything. And my dad always said I talk dumb and look like a whore." You quietly confess. Jungkook tilts his head in frustration.

"You think he's still out there?" He asks, and you lean back to look at him.

"Dunno?" You say. "Why?"

"No one calls my girlfriend stupid or a whore." He threatens, and you laugh. "I'm serious!" He defends, and you smile, leaning in to peck his lips.

"I know." You say, finally smiling again. "And that's soooo cute!" You tease, making him whine.

"I'm not cute, I'm your knight in shining armor!"

[joedirtymadre]

Love your stories with Law and Corazon 😍. Can i request one too? I would love a familyscene with Cora, his SO and Law (they adopted him). The three live happily in a big house together. Someday they tell him that he's going to be a big brother (Coras girlfriend is pregnant). Law doesn't know how to feel. Old memories of Lamy come back and Law is afraid that they won't love him so much anymore.

The Test Results

CORAZON X READER! FAMILY FLUFF! (PLEASE SEND MORE REQUESTS! I GET REALLY HAPPY WHEN YOU SEND THEM! 😭)

“Law come on down, it’s time for lunch,” you called out as you finished making some onigiri. “Did you make onigiri?” He asked as he ran downstairs. “Yep, just the way you like it,” you smiled as you placed the plate down on the small round dining table.

Law quickly ran over to the chair and began eating. “Hey slow down! Before you choke,” you sighed as you handed him a cup of juice. “Fank you,” he chewed. “(Y/N)! Law!” You heard your husband call out, as he entered the house. “Hi honey, come sit I made onigiri,” you said. “Onigiri? For the fourth day in a row?” Corazon pouted. “Law asked for it again,” you explained. “This is favoritism,” Corazon said as he pointed to Law. Law responded by blowing a raspberry at him.

“Why you!” Corazon glared. “Ahh… (Y/N) he’s gonna get me,” Law said with a monotone voice as he ran behind me. “Stop bullying the 13 year old!” You playfully scoldEd him. “My own wife… betrayed me,” Corazon pouted and slowly walked over to the table. “Don’t worry, tonight I’ll make you some katsudon over curry and rice,” you said as you placed down the rice balls.

“Really?” Corazon asked enthusiastically. “Yep! Now Law can you go into my room and bring me the load of laundry I need to do. Plus yours,” you said, as you began washing the dishes. “K,” he said as he walked upstairs.

Law’s POV

I slowly walked into (Y/N) and Corazon’s room. I searched around, until I noticed the hamper by their desk. I went over to pick it up, “Why is this thing so heavy? It’s gotta be Corazon’s cape…” I said as I struggled to pick it up. While trying to lift it up, I knocked into their desk. Causing some papers and books to fall. “Dang it…” I sighed to myself as I walked over to pick up the stuff I knocked over.

I picked up the last paper on the floor, and noticed (Y/N)’s name on the top. “What’s this?” I asked as I read the document.

Patient Name: (Y/N)

Date: 5XX

Time: 13:07

Reason for Visit: Nauseousness

I am Dr. Shivell, contacting you to congratulate you on your recent test results. Your pregnancy results came back positive. Contact me via transponder snail to schedule your next appointment.

My hands trembled while holding the paper. “P-Pregnant?” I asked. “But…” my mind raced. What if they don’t want to care for me anymore? What if they abandon me? What if I hurt the baby? Or I can’t protect it like… I clutched onto my head, and fell to my knees.

(Y/N)’s POV

“Law might need some help,” you said to Corazon. “Ahh… I did throw my cape in there,” he said as he stood up. “Well no wonder! Go help him,” you huffed. You both slowly headed upstairs, “Go check to see if he’s in his room,” you said as you headed to your bedroom.

As soon as you stepped in you saw Law on the floor crying.

“Law?!” You shouted as you ran over. “Hey, hey what’s wrong?” You asked as you knelt down and pulled him into a hug. “What’s wrong? I heard shou- Law?!” Corazon shouted as he ran over. I looked at him with a worried/ confused look. “I know…” he choked out. “Know? Know what?” Corazon asked as he knelt down. “That (Y/N)’s pregnant!” He yelled. The room suddenly fell silent.

You slowly let go of Law. Helping him get to his feet, and placing your hands in his. “That’s right, sweetheart,” you said tearfully. “Why didn’t you tell me?! Were you planning to leave me?” He asked angrily. “Leave you? We’d never do that, you’re too special to us for that,” you smiled and you moved your hand to cup his face. “So why?” He asked with a tremble in his voice.

“Well… Law, we just wanted to find a good time to tell you. We didn’t mean to hide it from you, we actually found out recently too,” Corazon confessed. “Mhmm, now come here. I’d never leave you,” you said as you pulled him into a tight hug. “What if I ask for too many rice balls, and Corazon tries to toss me out?” He asked. “I’d throw him to the streets before he’d lay a finger on your,” you said, causing Law to laugh. “You see Law? So you’re not going anywhere,” Corazon said as he scruffed up Law’s hair.

“But… what if something happens to the baby? What if I can’t protect them?” He asked. “That’ll never happen, cause we’ll be right there with you, trying to protect both of you,” you reassured him. “S-So do you know what gender it’ll be?” Law asked nervously. “Hmmm… I was hoping to keep it a secret, but I’ll make an exception,” you smiled. You slowly leant down to Law’s ear, “It’s gonna be a girl,” you whispered. You watched as Law’s face slowly lightened up. “A girl,” he whispered excitedly.

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: May 20, 2024 🎀

omg it'd almost the end of May, what the heck? I'm so excited, I leave to Colorado for my 8 weeks of work very soon and I can't wait! it's going to be such a cool experience being in a new place for a while!

Monday was a good day. My dad and my boyfriend both think I overdid it on the physical exertion a bit, and I agree. I took a long walk, outside, in 95 degree heat, with no sunscreen. Which is why they said I overdid it because my chest and shoulders are sooooo sunburnt. But Monday was amazing! Started off strong, ended not as strong but still good!

🩷 What I Accomplished:

~13k+ steps for the day

took an hour and a half long walk outside(it was amazing, I loved it, I stayed hydrated ans soaked up all the sunlight and fresh air)

completed a 30 min beginner pilates workout from Move with Nicole

did my morning journaling and gratitude

wrote down a positive quote of the day and read through my journal where I wrote down some things that I want to read daily

read and "annotated" 14 pages of Atomic Habits

took a 20 minute power nap

worked a ~6.5 hour shift

drank at least ~80oz of water (that's pretty good given I used to drink like 20oz a day and wonder why I never felt good)

took my two medications + vitamin D supplement

took a cool shower and washed my hair at the end of the day

went to sleep early!

💞 Good Things That Happened

my friend and a supervisor im close with complimented my appearance in a way that gave me a confidence/motivational boost

my other friend and I decided we're probably getting our nails done together next week

that same friend ^ and I are going to go shopping next week as well

my work is going to schedule me where I can still go to brunch with my dad on Friday!

my man starts his first day of work on Tuesday (I'm so excited for him! It's gonna suck not being able to text him all day, but I'm so proud of him for getting this job and all the progress he's made)

got complimented on how efficient I was at work by the night shift supervisor

ate goods that made me happy without feeling guilty or anxiety about it

💔 What Could've Gone Better

I over ate a bit at night after work and felt kind of bloated and sick when I went to bed. it's okay tho, things happen, and Tuesday is a new day <3

super sunburnt!!!! my chest and shoulders are bright, bright red! and I'm a naturally pretty tan person, so seeing my skin that red, yep, I'm definitely super burnt! need to wear sunscreen and protective clothes when I take a shorter walk on tuesday

I definitely overdid it on that walk. got too overzealous and pushed myself a lot. my legs were hurting so bad by the end of the day and that's not good. as much as I enjoyed the walk, I need to be so much more kinder to and thoughtful of my body. it does a lot for me, and I need to treat it right <3

💗 Stuff For Tuesday

take a shorter walk outside in the morning

read more of Atomic Habits (and annotate)

begin studying Spanish some more (fell off the habit but I have a lesson next Tuesday the 28th, so I need to be prepared!)

do some gentle morning and night skincare (my face is a little red from yesterday but not too bad since I wore a hat during my walk)

do my morning beginner pilates and gratitude journaling (I've already done these as of right now, but I struggled with the so-called "beginner" pilates video from IsaWelly. practice makes perfect, tho so I've got to keep consistent!)

book nail appointments with my friend for next week (hopefully the nail tech/nail salon I go to has availability for her and I to go together! I also need to pick the design i want!)

budget for this upcoming paycheck and what I need to save vs what I'm going to spend (and need to buy)

work a ~5 hour shift

talk to my man over video call at the end of the day to see how work/training went for him (it's his first day of work, but it's a hands on training kind of day for him as well)

💕 Song of The Day: aespa - Supernova

what an absolutely amazing song omg. aespa literally never misses with their music. I almost put Spicy, but I've been obsessed with Supernove since it dropped. I love it so much <3

That's all for Monday, like I said, it was a beautiful start to the week for me! And here's to Tuesday being a good day as well <3 I hope everyone here has a wonderful beginning of their week!

til next time lovelies 🩷

[lonelyvomit]

gonna do a long ramble about the past 2 weeks aka possibly the most stressful time I've had in a decade simply cus I need to word vomit, not cus yall necessarily need the info. tldr Lucifer is slowly getting better. merry shitscram yall 🖤

CW for pet illness, pet death & fear of it, obvs vet/medical stuff, and ALL OF THE TUMMY ISSUES JFC

so it's exactly 2 weeks since Lucifer started showing symptoms that he was in pain, specifically his tummy. so next day we went over to my parents cus my anxiety was convoncing me he was dying and I needed another pair of eyes on him and a voice of reason to calm me down. I switched him to more tummy friendly diet. day 2 we got an oil to help his constipation, but he kept getting worse, so day 3, friday, I called a vet, gave him a different constipation med they recommended, the vet said it didn't sound like an emergency, so we could wait and see if the second med would work later, but if I wanted an appointment they'd fit us in. I scheduled it just to be sure. I felt crazy, because I know I tend to catastrophize a lot and that losing our family husky just 3 weeks earlier had me on edge, but I knew I'd be off my shits if I didn't make sure it wasn't anything serious. thank fuck I went with my gut.

one extremely cruel truth however is that I cant afford vet visits. that's my worst failure as an owner I suppose - my income is 500€ a month, so after food and bills there's nothing left. so I always avoid vets if possible (Lucifer is terrified of strangers tho so most of the time that works great for him too, no unnecessary anxiety trips), because the sad truth is that if it's serious enough to need a vet, there's a high chance it's serious enough that I cant afford the treatment. so at this point I felt I was flipping a 50/50 coin, we were gonna go in, find out what was wrong, and whether there was anything to be done about it and if my family could afford it, or if I was going in to put my baby to forever sleep. needless to say I bawled my eyes out that morning for hours.

we got to the vet, they did some tests, gave him an enema, said it did seem like a tummy issue but we couldn't rule out foreign object without an x-ray. the entire time the vet or nurse never seemed too worried and said we'd do whatever I wanted, and I was worried about the costs, but again, I needed to be sure, for my anxiety. thank fucking god, again.

we took the x-rays. clear foreign object. thankfully, still in his tummy - could be possible to get out without a full surgery. the vet called a bigger clinic that was actually able to do the procedure and sent us on our way.

at this point I'm clutching my baby boy who's been trembling from pain for days, now trembles from anxiety from all the stange people sticking stuff up his butt, and also hates car rides which we obvs had to make, with the tiniest bit of hope restored. we knew what was wrong, and there was a possible way to help that we could afford. but we weren't out of the woods, cus if they cant get the object out that way, the only other option was full open surgery - that we could not afford, and would have to opt for euthanasia. do you know how much I would've hated myself if we had to put my boy down cus he ate a piece of something wrong and there was a way to fix it but I couldn't afford it? I was clutching onto the bit of hope I had with every fiber of my being, fully aware that if things would go wrong, I was gonna fall hard. whatever.

second vet. the place is packed and busy, everyone wanting their pets checked before holidays. people in and out. I was there to hold my boy as they gave him the first shot of anethesia to put him to sleep and then they took him to the back for the procedure. I was back in the waiting room. people kept coming in, but suddenly no one was leaving. the nurses weren't bringing other pets out, and someone asked. they were told things got a bit delayed because "there was a patient that proved to be a little more complicated than expected."

40 minutes later a nurse comes to me in the waiting room, forehead covered in sweat, and goes "we got it out. but what a chore!"

I went to get my boy when the anethesia wore out. they told us the hard plastic had done some damage to his stomach lining and gave us prescription meds to help. they were now extra busy, so we got basically no other guidance, and left home.

next 3 days were still bad, but slowly better. but the meds made Lucifer sick every time, and the dosage for a 5kg/11lbs dog being the same as adult human felt insane, so we reduced them a little. we stuck to what was generally considered a tummy friendly diet for a dog - rice and chicken, unseasoned. we put it through a blender with plenty of water and basically fed him soup. Lucifer was doing better - I wasn't, cus the mattress we slept on gave me the worst back pain of my life and I literally couldn't walk for couple of days, but WHATEVER. my boy was better, that's what mattered.

we felt ready to go home, so morning of tuesday 17th we did. that day was good. the next wasn't. the second night at home was a nightmare. Lucifer was constipated and in a lot of pain again, and I had forgotten the constipation meds at my parents. my dad brought the meds on thursday morning at 6am, but Lucifer was doing significantly worse again, so we went back to my parents. that's also when we realized that 1. the meds he was on that kept making him sick had a constipating side effect, and 2. the "tummy friendly" diet we had him on included no fiber. we fucked this up. we switched up his diet and finally decided to try dropping the meds, as they always gave him a pain attack when he had to take it but didn't seem to provide much help the way they were supposed to. we gave him constipation meds, again.

the next day was good. the day after that he had explosive diarrhea. good lord. drop the constipation meds. followed by slow but steady progress, lots of talk and theories about the best possible diet as it seems the procedure was more rough than we were told. Lucifer keeps coughing - did the tools damage his throat or did he catch a kennel cough? we still don't know. mum's trying to prep xmas, we're missing a tree cus they were supposed to go fetch one the weekend right after Lucifer's procedure so didn't. steady progress over several days, so we manage to arrange xmas on the side.

today we celebrated xmas. Lucifer had bit of a worse day than yesterday again, but bearable, and my nephew was coming to stay for a night and cant stand Lucifer, so we're back home for now. Lucifer is asleep, as he's used to sleeping 15 hours a day & only watching me, and now has had to keep an eye on both of my parents & my brothers and their girlfriends visiting, and has slept half the usual amount for the past 2 weeks. he still has a pain attack after he eats most of the time & sometimes randomly, but they're much shorter and less severe than before, and between them he's his old playful happy self. he has lost over 800g/1.5lbs and his bones stick out uncomfortably, but we're doing our best to give him as much energy as we can while he still struggles to eat. my parents paid the 800€ vet bill that I will be paying back to the best of my ability, but that ability isn't great. I still don't know what tomorrow will bring and if he gets worse we'll go back to my parents, but I'm taking every pain free, peaceful moment as a victory. my parents have been just as involved in helping my boy's recovery & most importantly keeping me from catastrophizing everything and bawling my eyes out on the daily. my dad has started babying Lucifer too lmao as if he wasn't spoiled enough between me and my mum yet. my back still doesn't like the "home > 5 nights on a mattress > 2 at home > 5 on mattress > ? at home" switching, but I'm living with it. rn my priority is to do whatever helps Lucifer.

I'm so tired, still stressing, cant afford my bills, but I know we'll be alright.

[stonerskinny]

almost 1) downed three bottles of pills and half a bottle of fireball and 2) schedule sent a sewerslide note. but that was an hour ago and i have now put all of that stuff back in its place and prayed to my mother about my appointment that’s in like 7 hours now and decided that i accept defeat. on behalf of my eating disorder, that is.

i will never be satisfied with my weight or body for as long as i live in this eating disorder. and i have suffered enough. i have suffered abuse and abandonment at the hands of those who were supposed to love me since before i was born. i have done my fucking time and i think perhaps i don’t have to actually literally die to prove that to myself. and i already don’t need to prove it to anyone else because they all seem to be more aware of it than me somehow.

i am going to go wherever they tell me to go. i will probably sob about it if it isn’t residential, but i will go. and if it is residential then i will still sob but it will be like four hours later once im in the building. but i am begging and praying that my doctor signs my clearance letter and if she does — WHEN she does (#manifestation) — i will text my intake lady and ask her to change my admission to as soon as humanly possible. and they just had like three discharges and are 7 ppl below capacity so that may very well be like 10am tomorrow.

i fucking love you guys and i owe it to you all that i am still around rn. and i will miss you dearly when i am locked in eating disorder jail for god knows how long. because at the end of the day i guess i don’t know what the difference really is between 50k and 75k in medical debt. i’m gonna ignore it either way LMAO so like. whatever. i will call my cousin and ask her to co-sign a personal loan for me so i can get my house fixed and pay my lawyers and put a little money in my bank account to cover my deductible which i will meet by the end of the first week of january probably. and then my insurance will cover everything else for the rest of the YEAR and i can finish treatment and get a new job that i like more and experience life for the first time ever. and pay off my debt slowly but surely so i don’t ruin my cousins credit forever of course.

the thing is, at the end of the day, The Final Exit is literally always an option. so why not try my luck one more time at getting better? because i can’t know for sure that it wont stick this time. i can’t predict the future as much as i may wish i could, so instead of throwing in the towel before i even start i might as well make good on the steps i’ve already taken and the promises i’ve already made and just try it. one more time. and if it doesn’t work out then ill cut my losses and reevaluate. but who is Present Me to make a decision for Future Me?

i shall update y’all tomorrow after my appointment regardless of the outcome and if the outcome is admitting to res an hour later i will post the whole time im in the uber. hell ill take a fucking selfie when i get there and make it my profile pic until i discharge so y’all know where im at LMAO

[watchtheblog]

Cutting Slack

hello to the hierarchy of my besties: irl besties, internet besties, fantasy besties; the hierarchy of my haters: just the three of you, followed by someone who goes by the alias k.s on google reviews; an ever dwindling number of exes who can read, a handful of people i’m just getting to know who are about to know me too well too fast, and anyone else who has stumbled upon this highly specific page on the internet!!

if you’ve been here before, you know the deal. i’m going to weave a web of little jokes into a somewhat coherent story and then as a reward for knowing me you get the opportunity to see 20 things i hope to receive for my birthday, which, i hope you know… is tomorrow (26 september); i’m turning 94.

The joke web:

In february 2023 after the company I co-created sold to one of the corniest companies on the planet, I quit because they wanted me to set forth eight hours a day I would be available to do work. Seven years into a job I’d put 8 hours a year into, this was a startling task.

Also, they wanted me to become a member of slack, or get on slack, or write to them in slack. Or do something, whatever one does, on slack. You can do a lot of things to me, but what you’re not gonna do is make me go on slack. Many have tried in the past and not a one has ever succeeded.

Not to sound like Mark Cuban - or myself in [redacted] years -  but an 8 hour workday was not for me. And I explained this. I told a woman alleging to be my supervisor that every morning I woke up, I did cult for 20 minutes, wrote in my journal for 45 minutes, went for a 1 hour walk, came home, showered, drank a little poison, read for one hour in my garden, did some dilly dallying on the internet, and then I went to an appointment*, and by the time I was done with all of that it was already 4pm and that’s wind down time in my culture. 

Where did she want me to find 8 hours?!

(*i realize appointment time is not a thing (everyone can understand) but I’m gonna have to save it for another post. appointment time is sacred in a directionless little bug’s life and it deserves to be explained properly.)

If you think I’m joking that I laid out this schedule to a woman who was born inside a human resources complaint folder and whose dearly departed soul resides within a ludicrously capacious bag somewhere, I beg you to get to know me better.

Fundamentally, she did not understand and spiritually I was not the messenger to enlighten her, so I decided to quit.

I am impulsive by nature but this decision was incredibly thought out. I wrote down a list of pros and cons and I titled the cons list “things I’m not aligned with” and I listed 11 things.

“I dont want to be managed!!!!!!” (this is a literal copy and paste) topped the chart.

To follow? “Corporate weirdness”, and, simply: “Slack”.

On the pros list I wrote: “Freedom”, “I will finally be free”. (LOL!) Underneath it, it says “Take a fucking risk.”

I sat with these lists for approximately three minutes, and then I wrote an email announcing my resignation. And then I quite literally never spoke to anyone there ever again.

This all leads me to one short pivot before we’ll arrive at our final destination of my birthday list. 

When I mentioned earlier that I am impulsive by nature, I mean that I quit my job because someone said there was a question posed to me in Slack and I needed to answer it came to Ohio to visit my dad’s (RIP) childhood home and my (then) girlfriend convinced me to call the number on a commercial real estate building and within 45 days I’d signed a lease and 90 days later I had packed, driven, and moved my entire life across the country. 

When I moved here, I knew no one so I did a lot of things you may think only people who are on reality dating shows do, like: go to an espresso martini making class, cook marshmallows over an open fire in a state park at night with strangers, slide down a snowy hill on a plastic saucer as an activity, or attend a local rat’s birthday party.*

*disclaimer for anyone here who doesn’t GET me bc I’m scared to be misunderstood: i loved all of these things I’m not mocking them; I’m simply holding a light to the absurdity of my *on the spectrum, agoraphobic weirdo* ass doing these things in earnest because i needed to not kms. ◡̈  kms stands for k*ll myself.*

(Of course all of these things on a reality dating show would involve two people, whereas in my case I did all of those things alone.)

As a treat for my efforts to be a member of society, the universe provided me with the unique gift of meeting the anthropomorphic version of my intrusive thoughts!! 

We’ll call her Gloria (for no reason) and in our first phone conversation she had called everyone in the state of ohio “fat, lazy and bipolar” and told me my business would fail.

One minute after we hung up, she texted asking if I wanted to sauna with her right now. Now mind you, I’ve been doing shit “for the lore” since before it was called “lore” and men were just telling me I was insane (simpler times!!) so I grabbed a bikini and drove 9 minutes ready to go in a sauna with a random lady I’d never met.

And go in a sauna with a random lady I did... fully clothed for a reason that both confused and relieved me. In that sauna, Gloria repeated the aforementioned phone topics and added a pointed “nobody wants to work out; you will fail” while staring at me in a box heated to 130 degrees.

“It’s okay. Everything is always working out for me” I told her as she persisted in her negativity, because I lacked the ability to just tell her to shut the fuck up (and also because that is true). 

I considered the possibility of her behavior coming from a good intentioned place, like when cars driving the opposite direction flash their lights to let you know they just passed a cop (as if that ever hits). I considered it was an act of humanity, one unstable woman to another; trying to save me from the hell she thought was inevitable given her own - self proclaimed - “failure”. (she had opened and closed a studio of her own.)

So I let her keep flashing her dumb lights at me, showing up to my studio uninvited in the middle of my buildout telling me I should see if my landlord would let me out of my lease, texting me little foreboding horror stories about the perils of being in the fitness industry, sending me local businesses that were closing as if to say “i told you so; i’m warning you.”

“You’ll see” she said multiple times, as if to predict my ultimate demise in a way I’d be able to reflect on in the future, remembering she’d warned me. 

In those moments and in the months of desperation and grind leading up to the opening of my business I had no other choice but to move forward blindly, confidently. Long before I met this psychopath I had prepared for the possibility of failure. Unlike this woman, however, that preparation involved the potential of having to say “I failed… now what?” rather than “I failed. I’m the rule, not the exception. The journey is impossible.”

It’s been almost two years since I left the career I thought would define me, and while I certainly haven’t failed, I’m not writing this from the other side. I’m writing this from the beginning of a long journey I’m prepared and excited to be on that began the day I decided to take a fucking risk.

Two years ago I couldn’t find 8 hours a day to work and now somehow I’ve found 14-18…

and not a single one of them has been spent on slack. 

The Gift Portion!!!  the intangible: for the dismantling of nextdoor dot com, for all my bad memories to be erased, to win the war against seed oils, for the ai to stop(!!!), that the person who sullied my google reviews finds God and healing bc going against me is a form of psychosis, for great deals on this upcoming amazon prime day, that natalia grace is ok, that i never hear a telephone ring again, for watermelon to be in season all the time, that nobody is ever mad at me, that all eggs would turn to donuts in a way that would not have negative implications for chickens or negative repercussions for farmers, that everyone bounces back from whatever inevitable side effects ozempic will have, that my frequently used emoji are all safe and sound after getting rearranged, and for everyone I know and love to read the source by dr tara swart, and that they are all happy, healthy, successful, and in love forever.

the ones you can buy: these shoes (size 38)  or these shoes (size 38) also these (and you guessed it! 38) i want to fix my brain here, a casual five day immersive neurofeedback experience this watch this large suitcase or this one i cant pick this gorgeana kind of urgently, this these shoes (great deal alert!!!!) (size 38) i think the trajectory of my life would change if i owed four of these and maybe some other things to go with it big year for shoes … huge a stunning linen spray this practical thing her this or something else from her(e) these, white, small also kind of urgently, these this definitely the max mara teddy coat in the absolute smallest size and this is the last time I’m gonna put it here!!!!!! ykto!!! (lol!!)

[translucent-at-best]

Scatter-brained...

I told myself I'd start back on dating apps on April 13th. I've also told three friends. I'm like... 50% ready and 50% regretting mentioning it to them because I know they'll hold me accountable (which is, of course, why I told them in the first place). Welp. We gon' see.

Bought myself a vacuum mop combo cleaner that got delivered today and I'm irrationally excited to use it. This feels very 30s of me. I also made myself an Amazon wishlist of things I want to get for my apartment and am going to buy myself something off it every month. Next month, I'm looking to get a stool for my shower (because I've had one too many close calls standing up and masturbating with my shower head). Shit, maybe I'll get two things since it'll be my birthday month. We'll see.

I really live in LA. I was driving on the freeway over the weekend, on the way to visit a friend, and it was warm enough to roll my windows down. It's March. And this is my reality because I live in LA now and not the east coast city I grew up in. I wanted to do this shit and I did it. And I've built community out here. That thought hit me hard the other day. Thank you, God. Thank you, me.

I need a new job and I don't want one doing what I went to school for. Fuck. I'm over having a front row seat just to watch all the ways this world and this government are fucking these kids up every chance they get.

I said I was going to schedule and go to all my doctor's appointments this year. So far, I've had two appointments and I've got more scheduled. I said I was going to travel and see my family more this year. So far, I've gone home for my uncle's funeral, I'm going to Hawaii with my family next week, and in May, I'm traveling to NM for my cousin's college graduation. I said I was going to join a gym and I did that. I said I was going to start taking more walks and I've been doing that. I said I was going to get my retirement accounts in order and I've done that. I said I was going to get a travel credit card and I did that too.

I trick myself into thinking that I'm not making any progress on my goals just because they're not all accomplished right now today and that's not fair to me. I be doing shit.

I miss watching it grow from soft to hard. I miss a lot of things, to be honest.

These stores really just up and stopped selling plus sizes without a word about it. Now it's, "not in store, but we have them online." Fuck good is it doing me there? Especially when there's no uniformity in sizing. Ugh, they make my ass itch. I'm trying to shop for vacation clothes and this shit is blowing me.

Listen... I ain't never had any interest in dating outside of my race, but uh... if I get to Hawaii and a tall and sturdy, bearded Samoan get to winking at me I'm gonna need y'all to mind your business, hear?

This is long as shit, ain't it? I don't know why I have it in my mind that these Scatter-brained posts have to have at least ten bullet points. Who is that rule for? I don't even know when I came up with it. I can literally not do it at any point, but for some reason...

[kandyshoppe]

Hey, uh, I have an Oc that is a vet (surgeon more specifically) but I don’t really know about how they should act about it or the experiences so, do you have any advice on that front?

Like, I just take more example from doctors, my mother and brother are and they are both very, uh, (￣︿￣) about it.

Like they tell stories and experiences constantly when we are eating, like how my mother saved a kid that got shot point blank in the head (kids are very resilient like holy fuck), my brother is studying still but he already has a few experiences and such. So I take more note that those in medicine are just very not overreactive to emergency situations.

But that is just human vets, which humans can be very crazy but it’s very different from animals.

So I would like to know if vets are also like that? Just “Emergency? Okay let’s start” and have many things under control.

Also what are your crazy vet student experiences?

Also your job is very cool.

Alright! So! First! I mainly did paperwork while interning. I only went with boss a few times as an extra set of hands for graphing, and I am not interning anymore because of summer vacation (I only actually interned last semester to be honest, cause I needed to focus on class work this last semester)

Never take a vet to polite dinner, we WILL just start talking about the grossest things while casually eating. Being in the medical field, you need a strong stomach, so sometimes we forget not everyone wants to hear about us looking through poop to find worms or giving a cow an enema. We’re DISGUSTING. We regularly deal with being covered in fluids all day cause we don’t have time for a shower! Got another appointment in ten minutes!

Vets also have STRONG opinions on different animals, though they don’t all match up. I would rather shoot myself in the leg than deal with another racehorse again, but my boss adores horses! That being said, dogs tend to fall in similar categories on breeds, every husky I’ve ever met has ripped their catheter out, and every pug has been a screaming diva.

Some of the shared opinions are cats have the best names, bird owners are their own breed, no dog owner truly knows how much of a devil their dog is, cows are inherently stupid, and horses would murder you for one corn chip.

Now, I am not interning right now as summer has started, and it was for a class, but vets are very busy during spring, fall, and every single full moon. Nobody knows what happens but animals get weird every full moon! Summer tends to fluctuate depending on the type of vet you are. Surgeons probably wouldn’t see as much of a increase vs farm vet (which is what I’m going for). Most surgery’s are scheduled, but there are emergency surgeries sometimes needed. Which leads to my next point.

I was never apart of any emergency situations since I’m still learning, but I have seen my boss just FULL SPRINT across the clinic, and I was told to take care of the front. (The dog was okay for anyone wondering, she had an emergency c section and all puppies were okay!) the only close to an emergency was a sudden seizure someone’s goat had, not a fainting goat, she had milk fever. That was very much « work mode » while also trying to stay compassionate to the owner and animal. I bet working in back with an emergency would be similar to how medical professionals might feel, but if the owner is there you have to make sure to put up a brave front.

It’s different from being a medical doctor as owners are such a big part of the job, your bedside manner has to be amazing! I’ve wanted to strangle owners for neglect, hug them during last visits, or just stare confused at them for saying the DUMBEST things (DOGS AND CATS A CARNIVORES I SWEAR TO HIGH HEAVEN!) and find a balance between brutal honesty, and softness during rough times. If your dog will probably die, I’m gonna tell you that, but I’ll give options.

Another thing is while many animals COULD live through last injuries, such as broken jaws, rarely do owners have the time or resources to heal their pet to a point of actually living vs surviving. Is it possible? Yes. But rarely feasible. Sometimes it’s better to let your pet go, take a few days if you can to give them the best time ever, feed them chocolate before the visit, and give lots of good boy/girl kisses.

Lastly, farm vets look less at keeping animals super comfortable vs fixing the problem as fast as possible. Obviously we do avoid putting animals in pain, but sometimes you have to yank a tooth, or disinfect a wound right then and there. It’s a delicate balance of caring for the animal, and understanding that farmers need cheap but long term results for their own livelihood.

Look up vetblr here as that has a lot more, actually trained, graduated and qualified individuals than me. The biggest thing is for vets, you live and breathe animals. You aren’t paid that well, school is expensive, it is taxing on your body, and mentally and emotionally exhausting. Hell, half the vets I know will take money out of their own pockets to lower costs for surgeries needed for pets! It’s HARD, and I personally suggest looking at other animal based careers for something to fall back on. (Also, I hate petstores! May they all burn!)

[deke-rivers-1957]

ECU High - Chad's Business

Chad walks into school about a half hour early. He always helps his friend Scott with his lab experiments.

"Hey Scott up early as always I see."

Scott doesn't even look up. "This is time sensitive, Chad. You know I can't dawdle with getting this done. Once I get this done, I can finally turn this into my father."

"Yeah, yeah I'm just messin' with you. I just don't know why you can't hire Danny. He's got a more of a mind for science than I do. His dad's a pharmacist."

Scott mixes up a beaker. "Danny works in the mornings before school and then after school. I can't ask him to change his sleep schedule just for me."

"Yeah I know that, but if you pay him some real good money he might quit his job."

Scott sighs and sets the beaker down. "I asked him back when I first started this experiment. He said he didn't want to accept my charity and feel like he didn't earn his money."

Chad shakes his head.

"I don't know why poor people still want to have their pride. It's not like you're asking him to do something illegal or defuse a bomb."

"My experiments are not a guaranteed money maker and Danny knows that. Poor people are not that different from us. They want a reliable paycheck and I just don't have the funds for that."

Chad makes an awkward gesture of shock and confusion.

"Don't have the funds?! You're the richest kid in school! Your dad's the biggest oil tycoon since the Rockefellers!"

He looks up at Chad. "Yeah and my dad wants me to prove I can do this on my own. Pull myself up by bootstraps as he says. He only gives me grant money when I give him an itemized list of expenses with prices."

"That sucks man. He knows you're gonna do a great job of this. Why can't he just have faith in you?"

"I have to prove to him that I'm willing to put in the work. Getting good grades just isn't enough to prove I'm willing to spend time innovating a product."

"Yeah but why does he have to make it so hard on you like my own dad?"

"You don't even have a business plan, Chad. How can you possibly convince your father that you can run a successful business?"

Chad shakes his head and whips out a packet. "I do have a business plan! See for yourself."

He hands it to Scott.

"I'm telling ya Scott this is a good way to make a name for yourself. With your goop and my boats, we could run our own Marina."

Scott looks over his best friend Chad's business plan. "I know you feel that way Chad, but you need to have the capital to even get a boat. How much do you have so far?"

Chad looks a little deflated. "I... I got about 10 grand. Pops isn't willing to give me more if I can't get any support on this."

Scott rubs his eyes and looks through the plan again. "You need to add a lot more detail to this plan Chad. No one in business would invest in this. There's a lot more to running a business than just throwing money at things."

Chad sighs. "Scott you know I'm not a business type of dude. There's a reason why I put you down as my partner."

"I know that Chad but this business plan just isn't good enough to convince anyone. I don't have the time to fix it for you so you're going to need to educate yourself by taking some business classes. At least research how to write a business plan."

Chad takes the packet back. "I just... I don't know where to start. Who do I even go to for help?"

Scott can tell that his friend is looking very down. As bogged down as he is by his own work, he still wants to help.

"You need to ask your father, Chad. He should know how to write a business plan or at least know where you can learn how."

"Pops is against my plan from the start he'll never help me out on this."

Scott sighs again. "Then ask the school counselor or the librarian on where to go. It's still not too late to change classes if you want to take a business class."

Chad leans back in his chair and rubs his eyes. "I get it. I'll go on and schedule an appointment with the counselor then."

Scott watches as Chad sadly gets up and leaves the lab room. He goes up to the principal's office and knock's on the door.

"Come in."

He opens the door and looks very nervous.

"Hey, Pops. I just... gave Scott my business plan to look at."

"Oh and what'd he say son?"

"I... still need to work on it."

He looks up at Chad.

"So why'd you come over here to my office just to tell me that?"

Chad flinches. "Well it's because I want help. I don't know where to go on how to write a business plan. I'm serious about this plan Pops but I just don't know where to start."

Principal Gates rubs his eyes, sighing. "You need to ask your counselor Chad. It's not my job to help you with matters like this. My job is to manage this school and stick to the rules that were established."

Chad looks dejected and opens the door again. "I understand, Pops. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll go now."

Principal Gates sees the look on his face.

"Chad. I don't want you thinking that I'm making this impossible for you. I want to be reasonable while also make it clear that just because I'm rich doesn't mean you can get everything you want."

"I know."

"When I bought you the dune buggy, it was because you proved to me that you were a responsible driver. This is no different."

Chad looks up. "It isn't?"

"No. I want you to prove to me that you're able to network and learn what goes into entrepreneurship. If you are able to write a business plan that's willing to convince an investor that knows nothing about the Gates company, I will personally give you the capital you need."

"Ok. I understand, Pops."

"Then why do you still look so down?"

Chad rubs his eyes. "It's just so hard Pops. I need help! I have what I think could be a good idea but I just don't know how to make it happen."

Principal Gates can tell his son is feeling overwhelmed.

"Chad I believe it would be a good idea if you join the business/entrepreneurship club. Mr. Kelman's the organizer and can help you with your business plan. Here's a flyer for the club. I highly recommend joining."

Chad sniffles and takes the flyer. "Thanks, Pops."

The morning bell rings.

"Now you just worry about getting to class on time. You still need to have decent grades so investors can have faith in you. That doesn't mean straight As but at least have Bs son."

"Yeah I understand, Pops. I'm doing my best and I've been going to Scott for tutoring. I'll get going."

He closes the door and heads to his math class.

Tagging: @mercsandmonsters, @vintagepresley, @thetaoofzoe, @elvismylove04, @ashtag6887, @tupelomiss, @thedaisymaisy, @richardslady121, @arrolyn1114, @theelviseffect, @elvisbooty76, @theladyofmylife, @xanatenshi, @just-another-boring-bisexual, @aliengoth3, @phil2135561, @gayforelvis, @ash-omalley, @eptodaytommorwforever, @wildhorseinkansas, @alienelvisobsession, @comebackep, @presley72elvis, @leopardandstuds, @ellie-24, @heart-of-ep, @thatbanditqueen, @dilfelvis, @be-my-ally, @mydarlingelvis, @myradiaz, @jaqueline19997, @louisejoy86, @peskybedtime, @lookingforrainbows, @kiankiwi, @your-nanas-house, @januarypresley1969, @justrae9903, @codalysssssworld, @burnthheparaphilia, @joshuntildawn13, @briefpandatimemachine, @sillybookmarks, @tacozebra051, @cattcb, @perfectpresley, @vintagegirl50s60s70s80s, @lett-them-eatt-cake, @precious-little-scoundrel, @j-v-9-2, @almightybigbrain, @pinkcaddyconfessions, @miniaturerunawaykid, @msamarican, @hooked-on-elvis, and @doll-elvis.

[verytalented]

Tattoos and piercings

Pairings; Yuta x fem reader Series of short stories  Smut Word count: 867 Warning; public sex, blowjob

As a female tattoo artist, you get a lot of criticism and complaints. But nothing can stop you from doing your job right? Of course, some guys into the shop that are very hot. One of your regulars is very hot. You've known him before being a tattoo artist, and he was one of your very first clients. You couldn't help but developed a slight crush on him. And it's not like your crazy in love with him it's more that he makes your heart flutter when you see him.

But today was the same as others some people getting their tattoos and piercings while others schedule appointments and such. You started to get ready to clean all your equipment when you heard the bell of the shop door ring, and soon after followed a slight commotion. You look up only to see The guy you've been crushing on you couldn't help but smile a little it's been a while. You found yourself staring you soon lock eyes with him he gives you a slight smirk before looking away to talk to his friends. You couldn't help but get nervous all of sudden. He was with old friends Mark, and johnny. You knew mark and johnny from college and that's how you meet Yuta.

The three boys started to walk toward you. "Hey Y/N it's been a while," Johnny said with a charming smile. "I know right its, been a couple of months. What have you guys been up to?" You ask while smiling, You then started cleaning your tools and such. "Well mark lost a bet and here we are getting a good tattoo for Markie pooh" Johnny replied again. "I didn't think I was gonna lose," Mark said in defeat as he sat down in the chair. You chuckled, "What did you even do to get a tattoo?". You asked out of curiosity. "I don't even wanna talk about" he sighed. "And I'm just here for moral support," Yuta said while slipping his hands into his pockets. - After a while, You gave mark a small tattoo under his chest that said 'Candian Man'. "oh that didn't hurt at all" mark said with a smile. You chuckled you then began to tell mark about the tattoo and how to take care of it. He nodded. "Dude, that's a lot to do" he sighed once more. "Well, if you need help just asked Yuta I'm sure he'll help you." You said and then pat his back in reassurance. "Anyone else wanna get something?" You ask and look at the three boys. "I'll stay for a bit you guys can go ahead," Yuta said before sitting down in your chair. "Oh okay," johnny said while smiling. "What but I-" Mark was soon gonna say something before getting pushed out of the shop with johnny.

"So what you getting," you said with a smile. "I just want you to look at my body," He said. "Your, what?" You said in disbelief. He soon came closer to your ear and whisper ever so slightly. "Do I have to repeat myself?" He hinted. You never knew how straightforward he could be. "Let's go somewhere private then," you said while getting up and he followed behind you. - You soon went into one of the private rooms in the back of the shop that was meant for piercing that was going on in the private areas of the body. Yuta then sat down in the chair that was in the middle of the room. "May I?" You asked. Nodded his head yes. You began to take off his shirt and look at all the tattoos he had your hands hovering over his tattoos. Just you doing that you notice that he already had something going on in his pants. "You don't mind helping me do you Y/N?" He asked as you look him in the eyes.

Both of you made it over to the couch in the corner of the room. You started two started kissing with his hands made it to your hips bringing you closer to him. This kiss got more heated. You moaned into the kiss and wanted more. You then started to kiss his neck. he moan in pleasure. "shit, I want more Y/n" You then got up and got on your knees, and started to unzip his pants.

His dick was so hard you could see pre cum leaking from the tip. You began to do kitten licks on the tip. "Y/n come on," he said with a sigh. You then began to use your hands on the parts you couldn't reach. You started to swirl your tongue around his tip then went down further on his dick. "Oh shit." He moaned while gripping the couch, He couldn't help but thrust his hips into your mouth. You gagged a little before going back down on his dick. Seeing that he was close you went fast. His breath began to get heavy. "Shit I'm gonna cum." He said in a hurry. He held onto the couch before coming down your throat.

You wiped your brown lips before looking at him and smiling. "That was fun."

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[jawritter]

Story time?

You guys know when I have a tough time dealing with things, certain things going on in my life, I write about it to vent it, and it works for me. Well, I need to vent for a minute. I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that, I just need to get this out on paper to work through it. So, here I go. 

When I turned 18 years old, I went to school to get my CNA, and then immediately started working as a homebound caregiver, or as we call it down here in the south, a sitter, for the disabled and elderly. Basically, I come in and sit with them during the day and help them feed themselves, clean themselves, clean their homes for them… basically I do for them during the day what normal people would have done for themselves if they were able. I even go shopping for them/with them, if need be, and take them to doctor’s appointments as long as they are able to move around some on their own, and are not on hospice, (end of life ‘comfort’ care). 

When I got pregnant with my first child, I decided not to do it anymore, and just stay home with the kids until they were old enough to go to school instead of paying for childcare while my husband and I both work. Financially it just makes more sense for me to stay home. Also, while this job is not a nursing or doctor’s position, it’s stressful and emotionally taxing. When you sit with someone day in and day out, whether you want to or not, you get attached to these people, and when their lives are over, and they are no longer here, sometimes it seriously feels like you're losing your own family. 

Recently, and some of you may remember me talking about it a little, I started up again when both my girls went back to school. I like to take care of people, it’s just my calling, it’s what I do; no matter how hard it is. My first patient that I was sitting with made their transition from this life to the life here after (whatever that might be), and I took a few weeks break before I allowed myself to be assigned with another patient. 

This is where the part I’m struggling with comes in, so here we go…

Yesterday, I met my next patient. 

They told me his name was Austin. That he’d been disabled after an accident offshore, and that he now needed a sitter, seeing as he was a single male, who was currently unable to walk and take care of himself. (I’m paraphrasing obviously for privacy reasons and to make this understandable for people that do not work in this line of work.)

I’ve taken care of men before, that’s not something that’s bother me and never will. Still, there’s one thing that got to me when I read it in his chart, it’s the fact that he is only 43 years old. 

I’ve never had to take care of someone that young. Most of the time, when we step in, the patient is in the twilight stages of life so to speak. This guy, well, they warned me when they gave me the file, might be a patient of mine for a LONG time to come. 

The accident only happened less than three months ago, and he’s in physical therapy currently, (which is something I will have to take him to). But he can’t bathe, cook, or clean for himself at all currently. He only is mobile, basically above the waist for the time being, and with no immediate family that lives close by, if he wants to stay in his home, this is his only option. 

I met him for the first time yesterday. I go in today when the transport drops him back at his home from the nursing home (that’s where they had him for the beginning of his physical therapy after leaving the hospital), and that’s when my work begins. I sit with him Monday - Friday, 6:30 AM to 7 PM in the evenings. (Another CNA is scheduled for his night shifts and weekends unless we need to swap up for some personal reason). 

He’s so handsome, and young, and it’s not fair that his life has suddenly come to a screaming halt. It’s just not fair.

He’s still learning to cope with it too. He’s not really opened up to me yet, and that’s gonna be a challenge. He’s not happy with the situation he’s found himself in. (Who would be?) This might be the toughest thing I’ve worked on to date. 

I’m still gonna write, I’m still gonna be on here updating as much as I can. But please understand if updates come a little slowly at first, or if it takes me a little while to answer ask or something back. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just working, and I’ll be on as soon as I can. 

Okay, I’ll get off my pity party and get ready to go to work now, and if you made it this far in his too long vent session, thank you, you’re awesome! 

--Jen

[innaillus]

So like what exactly are we supposed to do when October ends?? Sit here and not wait for some hot men drawn by the one and only?? How are we gonna stay fed?? How am I gonna live without may every-two-days taiju dick viewing appointment??? :((((

(On a serious note please make sure to take good care of yourself. You and your art are amazing and we love you)

Oh Dear, your message gave me a big laugh! And it also warmed my heart. Thank you!

I'm taking care of myself the best I can! It is true though that this challenge is becoming a bit demanding. Also, I think I actually forgot how to color, haha. BUT I'm enjoying every minute of it! And the feedback has been amazing! This is why I love to do fanart: it's not only me creating it, it's all of us. I put together some pixels but they come to life in the moment of their reception by you all. <3

As far as the near future goes...

After a short break, I'll need to focus my efforts on my paid work. However, I enjoyed doing these so much that I never want to stop! Currently I'm working on finding ways and schedules that would allow me to keep doing fanart (and NSFW!)

Stay safe and hydrated!

<3

[momo-de-avis]

Be warned that this post is going to be extremely TMI, scroll along if you don't want it to ruin your parasocial relationship with me

They scheduled me an MRI back in September

The appointment is named like MRI followed by a bunch of medical terms that I, of course, don't understand.

The lady that scheduled it for me did not explain what it was.

My doctor did not explain to me what it was.

Nobody explained anything.

I've had an MRI before, two in fact, one done to my head and one with contrast when I was in the emergency ward of the hospital screaming in pain, so this second time I wasn't really paying attention to what the fuck an MRI entails except that you're put in a gigantic washing mashine thay sucks metal and makes a lot of noise (and the metal thing I know from Dr House)

So imagine my surprise when I arrive at the hospital and the receptionist asks me if took all the precautions required. I'm like. What now?

She goes. Oh, the medication you need to take beforehand.

I'm stuttering. what the fuck do you mean.

I scroll furiously through my email trying to find the appointment and hey. Guess what. It does say there that there's this one medication I have to take, which requires some physical interaction, and that I need to be on an empty stomach 4h prior. It doesn't say where I'm supposed to get this medication, nor does it say how to take it, cause I have no idea (in the smallest letters imaginable, at the bottom of everything, like scroll endlessly for it). I've never taken this shit

Mind you, the lady that made this appointment also made 5 other apps that day: an x ray, blood tests, an EKG, urine tests, and two other apps with an anesthesiologist and my gynecologist. Yes this was all for a surgery I'm going under in January. She also explained to me what to expect of the surgery, how to bathe myself 24h prior, what to expect of every single exam except the MRI.

So here's what she, or my doctor, failed to explain to me about this MRI, I am assuming because they assumed I'd done one and it's basically the same. Which stupidly, is what I thought.

She failed to explain to me that the medication I needed to take the morning of was for me NOT to, and now I'm going to translate into colloquial terms what the kind doctor explained to me, shit myself. And why would you shir yourself in a machine that sucks metal, spins and sounds like one of those horror ARGs on YouTube? Because she also failed to explain to me that, since this is an MRI to evaluate my endometriosis, they are going to fill your every single orifice up with a fucking gel.

And let me tell you something about this process.

It's not painful at all. But my god I felt like one of those victorians who went to those doctors who didn't wash their hands to cure themselves of a flu with an enema. It is like reverse giving birth, if you're giving birth to Flubber. The female doctor that did this, and I appreciate the tact of having a female doctor but at this point how could I give a shit, it can't get any worse than this, was one of those that only speaks in diminutives and kept calling me fofinha the entire time, which I get, but I'm a 34 year old woman being flooded with get through every cavity of my body terrified I'm gonna shit myself in the tightest MRI machine I've ever seen because the purpose of this shit is to "relax your sphincter and swell your intestines" which sounds like I just developed IBS from one doctor's visit, and it really makes things awkward.

And then they tell me the catheter they put on me is not only to inject whatever the fuck they need, but also I might need some contrast too.

The contrast was the least of my issues. I didn't even feel it

Here's what else the lady failed to explain to me. She failed to explain that, since you're now full of some gel, it is going to come out. And oh boy.

Imagine the hospital gives you the shittiest sanitary pad imaginable, and what happens in the next hour you're on public transport heading home is basically you're giving birth to Flubber again. The thing isn't even sliding down your legs, it's all retained in the shitty diaper the hospital provided you.

"It's only an MRI" and you walk out with clots of gel in your underwear, slopping down your orifices, and this in your arm

Next time I'm drilling that bitch with questions