#that he often ascribes to and takes on himself

[stormofdefiance]

🤔 this boy ain’t right………

[plussizefantasia]

Troubled Hearts

Read parts One and Two here: Fluttering Hearts Unsure Hearts

Warnings: guy being creepy, threats of violence, drinking (not reader) we're getting into the angst here guys sorry

a/n: hi, hello, I'm alive sorry for falling off the face of the planet. When I went to go grab the link for part two I realized that I hadn't updated this story since JANUARY!?!?! here is my formal apology: sorry. My goal is to have parts four and five up sometime this month so I can be ready to jump into CozyTober when it starts. Anyway, much love I hope y'all are still interested in the story if not I understand.

Kili Durin x Human!Soulmate!reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Kili must hate himself, there is no other reason for why he’s putting himself through this. Months have passed since you had kind of sort of opened up to him and he couldn’t get you to do it again. He’d been spending his nights the same way, a constant presence at the bar. No matter the weather, the dwarf prince would be posted up on a stool. He slowly sipped the same pint throughout the entire evening and his eyes followed you like a hawk. 

You would have thought that his attentions would have waned by now, you’ve been busy with the bar, Brant unable to keep up in his old age. You figure that he was letting you take control. You never really planned to set down roots in Dale, it was supposed to simply be a stop on your journey. 

You had stumbled into the town late one evening and needed a place to stay, despite the tavern not being an inn and not technically having an extra room, Brant was kind enough to let you stay for the night, as long as you worked it off the next day. One night turned into a week, turned into a month and you realized just how much you enjoyed working at the tavern.

You enjoyed feeling needed, even if it was just to refill someone’s glass. You enjoyed putting in effort and watching yourself get better at all the different skills necessary for a place like this, and you enjoyed the subtle anonymity of it all. Nobody really knew why you were there and nobody had really asked either. Your past didn’t follow you and if you were lucky it never would. You had worked hard and carved out a little life for yourself here, a life that you loved.

Well, a life that you loved most of the time. Up until those nights when every man was just a little too drunk, every woman glared just a little too much and your skin felt just a little too wrong on your body. You did your best to let it all fall off your back, to push through and let yourself be lost in your work but you didn’t always succeed.

You were not sure what hour of the night it was, it seemed that within these four walls, time flew and stood still all at once. What you did know however was that you were getting sick of Roland’s jeers and jibes. You were sure that it was his way of flirting, but you had never really ascribed to the type of flirting where you tore the other person down in the hopes that they begged you to build them back up. Roland was a dick. It was as simple as that and if he thought he had a chance with you he was sorely mistaken.

He had yet to get that through his thick skull though. You balanced a tray of pints above your head with one hand and a tray of food in the other. You expertly wove in between patrons, making your way to the back where Roland and his men often gathered.

“Ah, here she is. Lovely lady with a body to match.” He didn’t wait for you to place the tray down on the tabletop next to him. He just reached his arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him. His hand digging into the flesh there and making you move towards him to try and get away.

“What do you think lads? Don’t we make a pretty picture?” There were slight nods from the men around you, most of them had eyes only for the ale you were still holding. You noticed that this was often the case. Roland spoke and told stories, he was loud but nobody ever really listened to him.

“I think… that I have more work to do so if you would kindly remove your arm from my waist…” You looked at him, arching an eyebrow. “Before I have to remove it for you.” 

He chuckled deeply in his throat but followed your instruction and released you.

“Alright Gents, here are your pints and your pies, anything else for tonight?” Nobody spoke up, except for a few mutters of thanks. “Well, you know where to find me if that changes.”

You made your way back up to the front of house, sliding behind your bar and releasing a deep breath.

“I don’t understand how you do it.” You look up and into the eyes of the dwarf who just spoke.

“Do what Kili?”

“How you let him treat you like… that like you belong to him.”

You bristle at this. “I belong to nobody but myself Your Highness.”

“I know this, and you know this, but the brute doesn't seem to get it.”

“The brute is manageable Kili, he and his friends give this place far too much business for me to be anything less than civil with them.”

“Civil is fine, I just don’t wish to see you get hurt.”

“I appreciate that Kee, but I can handle myself.” 

“I never thought you couldn’t, I just want you to know that you don’t have to handle everything on your own.”

“I’ve been on my own for a long time, it's not easy to give that up.” You see a customer flag you down a few tables away. “Know this, my dwarf prince, should I need protecting… you’re the one I’d ask.” You smile at Kili and pass him offering him a small smile as you get back to work.

The night continues much the same, people come and go. The group in the back gets steadily more rowdy and you glance at the clock every once in a while hoping that the hands will have moved further than they have.

You serve food and drink to several patrons throughout the night, most kind some not as much. You were being truthful with Kili when you had told him you’d come to him. You just didn't think you’d ever need to. Your past wasn't the nicest and you’d quickly learned to take care of yourself because the people who are supposed to take care of you won’t always be there when you need them to be.

The time flew by faster than you’d thought, you’d apparently been lost inside your head for most of the night. The only light was that of the candles on each table and the fireplace next to the kitchen which was miraculously still lit. You’re not sure how, it's your job to keep it going and you know that you hadn’t stoked it all night. 

The darkness outside creeps into the space and more and more people begin their journey home. All your regulars settle with you or get glared at for their insistence that they’ll pay up next time. Eventually the space empties… mostly. Roland and his friends have settled a little but they still sit vigil in the back of the space, you lost count of how many rounds they’ve had but none of them are belligerent so it couldn’t have been more than eight. 

“Y/N, Another!” One of his comrades yells toward you. You forget his name, Roland’s never-ending cycle of yes men made it difficult to learn names, so at some point, you’d stopped trying.

“I don’t know if you Gent’s noticed, but we’re closed. Go home, I’m sure your wives are wondering where you are.”

“What the old lady doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” The same man yelled out, his remark setting off a burst of laughter from his buddies.

“Come Y/N, one more round and we’ll leave when we’re done.” Roland turned his body to face you and what you imagine to be his attempt at a suave smirk graced his face. 

“Sorry boys, but closed means closed, settle your tabs and go home.” You roll your eyes at the grumbling and whining that come from the group of grown men but do not sway in your decision. One by one they come and hand you some coin, some thank you and some say nothing but all of them leave as they were told.

Roland is the last to come up, as he so often is. “I don’t know why you spend so much time here, if you were mine you’d not have to work one more day in this place.”

“Well, I’m not yours and I like working here.” You place your hand on your hips and cock one out to the side. 

“Yet.” Roland leans over the bar and licks his lips. You lean back in order to put distance between your face and his. 

“Not ever.” You firmly reply. “I am your barmaid nothing more, the sooner you get that the sooner you can move on wooing the other ladies this wonderful town has to offer.”

“Ah, but none of these other ladies stir me as much as you do.” His grin becomes sharper and he moves even closer to you. 

The space behind the bar isn’t very large, big enough for one person really, and with how far he’s leaning you can feel your back brushing against the shelves behind you. 

“The only thing I want from you Roland is payment for your tab and for you to leave.” Your voice carried the weariness that was creeping into your heart, men like Roland rarely took no for an answer. You didn’t want to have to hurt him, it would be hard to explain. 

“Such harsh words darling, I promise I’m not nearly as bad as you think I am.” He reached forward and grasped your wrist. You pulled away instinctively and his grip hardened. “I think you might even like it.” Your face screwed up and you bared your teeth ready to rip out of his hold.

“Get your hand off her.”

Your head whipped to the voice. Kili. Why was he still here? How long had he been here? How much had he seen?

“Piss off runt, this is between me and the lady.” Roland didn’t move his eyes away from you.

“Remove your hand from my One or lose it, you oaf.” Kili growled from the corner of the room. The sharp sound of metal reverberated from the space and if you thought the rage on Kili’s face was intense, it was even more striking with a sword in his grip.

Both you and Roland were looking at the dwarf now. Your lips had parted and your eyes widened. Not only because you were sure blood would be spilled tonight but because of what Kili said. A thousand thoughts ran through your head all in the same second. You had to shake yourself back to the present.

Roland’s grip on your wrist slacked a bit and you took the opportunity to bring your arm to your chest. Your eyes bounced between the two men. You looked around behind the counter, searching desperately for something you could use. You let out a breath when you caught sight of the wooden handle resting on top of a wet rag.

“Pay the lady and leave, like she asked.” Kili took a step closer to the brute his posture reminding you of a coiled snake, muscles tight underneath his skin and ready to strike. 

“I do not take orders from dwarves.” Roland’s voice had deepened, his frustration bleeding through into every syllable. His hand reached out towards the axe holstered on his belt.

“You will either leave here with your dignity, or you will not leave at all. That I can be sure of.”

“Mighty words for an imp.” Roland pulled his axe from his belt and took a step towards Kili. As much as you might like to see the two fight, and you really did.  You needed to stop this before it started. 

You grasped the knife that had been lying on the towel and firmly drove it into the counter in front of you. The noise stopped both men in their tracks and they turned their heads to you, not yet dropping their battle stances.

“Enough. I will not be cleaning any blood off these walls tonight. Roland, you're drunk and daft-  a combination no woman in her right mind would want. Leave and don’t show your face here again. There are plenty of other places to drink, choose one.” You look into his eyes as you rip the knife from the wood, pointing it towards him and gesturing towards the door. 

He grumbles but holsters his axe and begins to leave.

“Oaf, you forget something?” Kili called out to him. You cut your eyes to the dark-haired prince narrowing your gaze on him. “Or are you the type of man to run out on his debt?” 

Roland turns slowly and his hand flexes by his side. He takes a large breath before grabbing a small leather bundle from his coat pocket and throwing it up on the counter. Kili smirks and nods his head. 

Roland lets out a low growl but continues on his path, pushing past the doors and onto the street. You don’t move until he turns the corner. At which point you deflate. Your head falls forward like a puppet without strings and you take a deep breath to soothe your racing heart.

“What was that?” Your question, head still bowed.

“What?” Kili takes a step toward you and you shoot up.

“What was that Kili!?” Your chest heaves with every breath you take. “I had it handled, I don’t need you coming in here and threatening people!”

“He put his hands on you!” Kili shouts.

“So you pull your sword?! I do not need a bodyguard Kili let alone one with a temper as bad as yours.” You throw your hand up and drag one across your forehead. “Know this, Your Highness, I have no intention of being claimed by you.” Kili’s eyes grow wide and he opens his mouth to speak, “Do not think I don’t know what a One is, I have traveled these lands for a very long time.” You interrupt him. “I have been claimed by far too many men far too many times, I told you, I belong to nobody but myself now. Do you understand?” You look into his eyes, waiting for a response.

“I have no intention of claiming you, I simply wish to share my life with you.” 

“That is very sweet Kili, but you don’t me. You cannot possibly wish to spend your life with me.”

“Then let me get to know you.” He pleads, “I have never felt like this before.” He takes several steps towards you, pulling your hand into his own and looking up into your eyes. “They say that being with your One is the greatest joy a dwarrow can know. I have had a taste now, being in your space, speaking with you, hearing your laugh, and seeing you smile. It has made me feel more alive than any battle and made my heart more full than it has ever been. I will not force you into anything, I care for you too much for that but I will plead with you. Please amralime, give me a chance to make you as happy as you make me. Let me stay by your side and know you not just as a friend but as a partner, through all things.”

His words steal the breath from your lungs and the beat from your heart. They make you feel like you're flying and sinking all at the same time. There is a part of you, deep down that is screaming for you to give in, to let him love you. 

“Kili I-” You pause, “I am tired. Tired of a great many things. I-I I think you should go.” You turn from him and blink back the tears that flood your eyes. You hear him sigh followed by the creek of the floorboard he stands on as he shifts his weight. He does not speak though, simply drops his arm from where it had been holding your hand and makes his way to the door. 

You hear it open and your shoulders tense, the chill air floods into the room and nips at your skin. Then the door shuts and you're alone. Not for the first time, you question if this really is all for the best.

taglist: @bunnybabe-babydoll @kokochanel111 @shiinata-library @oneiratxxia10 @targaryenteam @sunnysidesidra @shadowrose13-blog1-blog1

[dynamightmite]

you seem optimistic so you think we’re still getting shigaraki back? :( i’m really sad the way hori has handled the izuku tenko plotline as of right now like i just can’t wrap my head around this

I mean, I definitely think it's a possibility. We still don't know exactly what happened to overhaul/decay, and how it may be used in the future. We saw Tenko and Deku touch fists; theoretically there could have been some kind of exchange there, or he could be existing as a vestige in some way.

Then again, (and this is going to piss a lot of people off :')) I kind of... get where Horikoshi is going with it?

BEFORE YOU START BOOING!

I think a lot of the discomfort and hurt from fans comes from the perception that Izuku failed to save Tenko. That, by allowing him to die, the narrative is in fact saying he didn't deserve to be save--that Horikoshi himself doesn't believe Tenko truly deserved it. I have also seen a lot of talk about how it doesn't fit in with the ongoing, overarching themes of the narrative, and (while I'm not saying these people are wrong) I would like to push back on that a little, because I think there is precedence in the story as to why Tenko's death holds up, despite it being terrible.

The culmination of Tenko's arc broaches a crossroad of two major concepts in the story: heroes, and saving, and what both of those ideas mean. And, I think, in Tenko's death, we get and answer to both, and more importantly, an answer to his overall purpose.

What does it mean to save? In BNHA, the concept is a little vague. I've often people ascribe the "total victory" mindset as one of protection, as preventing any tragedy or harm. Through that lens, Tenko's death therefore is an automatic failure--a nonstarter. HE's dead, so he wasn't saved. The end. However, while "saving" might seem like a simple, straight forward concept, I would like to dig a little deeper, because I think what Horikoshi's doing is much more interesting.

Saving (Deku's definition of it, anyway) is a lot closer to freeing than it is to protecting. Which sounds weird, but I'll do my best to explain. I think the two best examples of this particular nuance to his definition are actually in two characters people tend to forget he saved: Shoto and Gentle Criminal.

Because he did save both of them. Not in the really obvious, black-and-white way he saved Eri, no, but he did save them. And both times were... painful, to say the least.

When Deku went after Shoto during the sport's festival, it wasn't, like, nice. He dug his little nerd fingers in where it hurt the worst and dragged out Shoto's biggest fears and insecurities, and then he said GET OVER THEM. Stop letting them control you. Stop letting your father control you. You're your own person, and you get to make your own choices.

He didn't punch Endeavor. He didn't even take pity on Shoto, or say he was sorry. But you know what he did do? Deku cut the leash. AND he damn near killed Shoto (and himself) making sure that Shoto understood that he was free. He gave Shoto back something that he'd been missing, something he was afraid to look in the face; something that Deku picked up, brushed off, and said, "please stop throwing this away, it's important. You're important".

And it works, goddamit.

Gentle is both different and similar. In a similar vein, the way Deku saves Gentle is sort of... not obvious. But I think if you look here:

Gentle isn't a bad person. He's ambitious and a little lax about the law, but he never set out to hurt anybody. But we see over the course of his arc how he gets so tangled up in his own pain and his desperation to be seen that he forgets his own ideals, his own morals. In the face of becoming someone, he loses sight of what matters most to him: just like Deku, Gentle wants to be a hero.

Which, in the end, he is. And Deku's the one who pushes him there.

But what about Tenko? What about the crying child inside him? Why wasn't he saved?

When people talk about child Tenko, they often seem to see him as a symbol of the person that Deku's trying to save. But I think that, just maybe, that's wrong. I think maybe, actually, Deku is trying to save Tenko from that child.

Child Tenko is, in many ways, a symbol of nothing but AFO's power. That is a child stripped of his name, of his original quirk, of his family, of his sense of self. That is a puppet controlled by AFO, without any autonomy of its own. That child is a wound that Tenko cannot escape for as long as AFO still holds any power over him.

That's why this chapter All Might said that maybe Deku did save Tenko, if he no longer saw the child version of him in the vestige realm. Deku did save him. Because Tenko isn't a child anymore, and he isn't AFO's puppet; he's a free man, for the first time in his life.

A free man who chooses to be a hero.

Heroes get talked about a lot in BNHA (duh), but what is the defining quality of a true hero? Someone who wins? Sure. Someone who saves? Yeah, of course. But the actual test of what differentiates a hero from everybody else is their willingness to sacrifice. To give up everything for the greater good. Even if it hurts. Sometimes especially if it hurts. I mean, this has come up a lot through the manga. Deku running in to attack the sludge villain, Mirio giving up his quirk, Eraserhead throwing himself in front of his students, Edgeshot shortening his lifespan to save Bakugo, All Might standing quirkless in front of the greatest evil of his time-- literally the constant refrain from the narrative has been that being willing to sacrifice it all is what makes a hero a hero.

Tenko's final wish from last chapter is gut wrenching, but: he wanted to be a hero for the Villains. The rest of the world can rot for all he cares, but his friends, those disenfranchised, hurt people that everyone else gave up on? Those people who have never been saved, those people who have never been protected... he wants to be their hero. In the face of danger, of certain doom, he is a free man, and he has a choice.

So he makes a sacrifice. His final act is to become a hero. For them.

Cue the sobbing tears.

Additionally, I think it's relevant to point out here how strongly the narrative has advocated for victimhood to be divorced from being a perpetual self-identity. It really emphasizes the power of choosing to rise above your situation and pain to help other people, while also suggesting that your pain does not excuse you from hurting people. You can be a victim and you can be a perpetrator; they are not mutually exclusive. And because of this, after Deku saves Tenko, he does not owe him. He saved Tenko, but he could not keep him alive, and... I don't think that it's about Tenko deserving or not deserving to die. It's just that Tenko had reached a point of no return where his only choices were to die a slave or die free and he broke his shackles. But he was always going to die. Doomed by the narrative, both literally and figuratively. We can argue all day as to what degree of responsibility he holds for his actions as a highly abused, traumatized, often shell of a person. But the point is that at every junction of the story, Tenko (and the story around him) escalated until he was trapped. There wasn't a way out, and it's heartbreaking, and maybe that's the point.

I'm not saying it's fair. I'm certainly not saying you have to like it. But... I don't know. I don't feel like this is some completely out of pocket, off-the-rails end that destroyed all its characters. And who knows! Maybe Tenko will be brought back later. Maybe the epilogue will get progressively worse and I'll hate it. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep and regret writing this at all. I have no idea. Really. But we're all in this together, so these are my thoughts right now :)

[divorceblogger]

I think the most difficult thing that armand struggles to come to terms with (re: his feelings about marius) is very much that marius seemingly steps into his life and performs actions that are, at a superficial glance, meant to be liberatory or empowering but are unequivocally very predatory if you start to dig into the meat of their relationship.

Marius rescues armand from starvation and sexual slavery at a point in his life when armand is actively entertaining thoughts of suicide. marius sweeps in, purchases him, and transfers him from abhorrent conditions of existence to a life of material comfort, although it’s not really a safe one, but at this point armand doesn’t necessarily have the ability to have a critical dialogue about safety with himself because he’s so glad to be rescued from slavery that he ascribes divinity to marius. he also receives an allowance and he’s taught swordplay. he’s taught swordplay. but what kind of harm could a child ever cause to a 1500 year old vampire?

And the material reality is that marius is not really interested in empowering armand at all. he actively fosters an unhealthy codependency between them, he withholds information about his nature, he performs sexual acts on him even when armand doesn’t necessarily comprehend that these acts are sexual in nature. he also strategises methods that he reasons are supposed to sexually liberate armand but these instances just contribute to the overall conversation on how he grooms him. armand is 15 years old when marius sends him out to brothels “to learn how to couple properly”. do you remember that he was supposed to be forced into prostitution. marius now offers him the illusion of sexual power by allowing him to experience sexual pleasure instead of offering it to predatory customers instead. but armand also says that he doesn’t enjoy the experiences at the brothels because he craves sexual relations with marius solely, to a point where he feels resentful about being asked to participate in these acts even when he derives sexual pleasure from them. he endures the experiences because his master gives him no other choice, but it’s also in these brothels that he discovers that sex doesn’t have to be associated with pain as it often tends to be with marius.

When he returns ‘home’ from the brothels he’s perceptive enough to understand that marius really sent him to receive a sexual education on marius’s behalf and attempts to replicate these acts on him. he unconsciously takes up the role of a sex worker, but again he’s a child, and it’s horrifying that he thinks he’s harassing marius by initiating sexual relations with him. it’s also not very surprising that when he does display sexual interest in other people marius emotionally shuts him off (because these experiences were never instituted with armand’s interest in mind) and these moments shape up to be very harrowing experiences for armand - he’s been taught to crave marius’s affection and never do anything that might displease him. armand often has to beg his way back into marius’s good graces and allow himself to be subjected to corporal punishment to achieve this. it’s terrifying that one of the first ideas the boys in the villa convey to armand despite the language barrier is that their master will never hurt him.

And the alarming fact about armand’s transformation is that vampirism serves to just further reinforce this abuse, even though, once again, it might seem like an empowering act. his newly acquired powers don’t change his reality - he’s still under marius’s control the whole time. he’s also further isolated from boys his age who share his interests, and his nights with marius are insular and suffocating. the corporal punishments continue. they’re now adjusted to account for his vampirism. “usual brain jarring blow” is a term floated in the book. marius calls armand’s coffin a “crib”. he very seriously asks armand if he’s ever been cruel to him soon after he transforms him. armand’s codependency with marius is in fact further reinforced by the vampiric transformation that marius carries out. so much of armand’s initiation into vampirsm is once again rooted in sexual instruction, once again evoking patterns of behaviour that are associated with grooming. it’s very in-character for marius to teach him the fundamental principles of seducing his victims before killing them. he also advices him to develop emotionally frigid relationships and never reveal his true self to the people he cares for, further establishing marius as the most significant figure in his life, as the person he constructs his entire identity around. how was he ever supposed to turn out well-adjusted?

[nichiperi]

I would love to see your take on "Understand My Ship In Five Minutes" with ZADR ^_^

As you wish, my friend~! I am more than happy to share! (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

I'll include an extensive breakdown of my reasoning for some of my choices under the cut just for kicks and giggles. :3

ALRIGHT LET'S TALK ABOUT THE STINK BEAST FIRST CAUSE I'M WRITING A FIC IN HIS POV AND HE IS FRESH ON MY MIND. XD

I see Dib as someone who isn't attracted to other people often because he requires a certain level of trust and comfort in another person that he doesn't typically find and has long since stopped looking for.

People, in general, are something he struggles with. Love and attraction are just added complications to his extremely goal-oriented mind.

Zim is really only able to weasel his way into Dib's life by virtue of not only being inherently tied to Dib's goals, but by having been an extremely important consistent presence in Dib's life for several years. Even though they've been enemies the whole time, Zim has become something comfortable for Dib, and as the years pass, Dib finds himself seeking that comfort. This is where the attraction comes from on his end.

Now as for the roach...

Well, uh...I'm sure my choice to label him as gray ace while giving him that horniness level is gonna be a head-scratcher to some people. (⁠•⁠ ⁠▽⁠ ⁠•⁠;⁠) But as someone who IDs as gray ace myself, my attraction or lack thereof to other people has nothing to do with my general level of horny cretin energy.

I see it as being the same with Zim, only in his case, he has no consciousness of anything regarding his sexuality or romantic leanings. Generally, his attraction is a fickle thing, but it's there - under the right circumstances. Zim is at least aware that he's fixated on Dib, but he's generally not interested in digging any deeper into the 'how' or 'why' of it - despite the sheer vastness of the depths of that fixation. So, while I've given him this label to describe how he works, he would not ascribe this label to himself.

I think Zim sees Dib as being an unquestionably quintessential part of his life. This comes at his own detriment, because he places Dib at such a high level of importance that he almost doesn't see the point in functioning without him. Much like Dib, Zim also finds his """greatest enemy""" to be his greatest comfort. But while Dib could move on in a potential life without Zim (though with great difficulty), Zim is not currently emotionally capable of doing the same. Dib is his 'light at the end of the tunnel'. If he were to disappear, Zim would crumble.

Gonna call it here because I could literally go on FOREVER. But thank you for the ask!! I had fun with this! (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠)

[applestorms]

ok, well. if last time i talked about parallels between near & light, i guess it’s only fair that this time i talk about parallels between mello & misa. yap central on this blog lately.

the main thing that stands out the most about mello & misa, and the reason why i will forever Defend them and their place in the story, is that in my mind they both function in a similar way on a narrative level: namely, both of them are incredibly active wild-card characters that keep the action going and the story moving forward when the other main characters like light, L, & near start getting too passive.

notably, while i often see this trait praised in mello, usually in the context of a comparative criticism of near for his overly-abundant passivity, i have also seen it used as a criticism of misa's character, that she breaks up the status quo of DN too significantly and thereby makes the story feel less realistic. this last point in particular is an odd argument to make imo, as if anything misa's presence only increases the realism of DN by adding some extra luck/random chance into the story in a way that is ultimately still character-motivated and thus easier for the audience to go along with-- something DN in general is very good at, often introducing elements through pure chance but keeping them grounded in characters enough that you almost don't even notice.

take light meeting naomi misora, for example: the only reason he runs across her at all is because he offers to run an errand for his mom on a bored laundry day, literally stumbling across her right at the exact moment she is divulging important insights she is literally the only person capable of making about kira. yet this moment does not stand out as particularly aggravating or out of place in the story, as ultimately the only reason why light is able to get out of that situation is his own quick thinking and ability to calm himself while under immense pressure, squeezing his way out of a potentially run-ending situation he didn't even know existed moments prior.

(not a fan of that big joel video, if you couldn't tell. lmao.)

point is, mello & misa both fulfill about the same narrative function in the story by being so aggressive in their actions, catching the others off guard even if their plans aren't as well thought out or careful as they could otherwise be. they're both incredibly passionate, dedicated characters as well, tough enough to take the hit when it inevitably comes, and in my opinion neither of them are nearly as stupid as the other MCs like to make them out to be. to some degree, i think both of them are aware of the fact that they can't win at the Mind Game Cold War Bullshit the others are inclined to get involved in, so they instead choose to carve out their own place in the story through sheer perseverance alone.

which, speaking of passion: one of the most interesting parallels i think you can make between mello & misa is the ways in which they idolize their respective heroes, misa's obviously being light while mello's is L. allow me to elaborate.

as this post points out, DN has some very interesting use of its religious imagery & theming, and in particular its use of christian/catholic gothic imagery in its story and especially its art. however, as op notes, a lot of this is quite superficial, ascribing to an aesthetic of "kitschy Catholicism," that was characteristic of a lot of early 2000s japanese goth style. yet, while i admit that a more serious consideration of religious elements in the art & story could add some interesting flavor to the story, i also think that, regardless of intention, the superficiality of DN's religious elements works really well in the context of this particular story. as i stated in my tags on that post: light is a superficial god. he is a fake, a scam, some idiot human that stumbled across the powers of a real shinigami and got his head up his ass about it. and a lot of the arcs of other characters in DN is about their reaction to light's claims-- whether they choose to follow him (e.g. misa, mikami), follow somebody else (e.g. mello), or follow nobody at all (e.g. near, also kinda soichiro?), and the implications that has for their lives and personalities.

this is all to say that while you can, on a surface level, connect misa & mello pretty easily as the two aggressive, fashionable blondes of the series, i also think that these somewhat superficial traits betray a greater connection between the two of them. if we understand the christian/catholic elements of misa & mello's fashion as a demonstration of their connection to not just a higher power but a lie, a superficial deity simply reflecting the sunlight of powers greater than himself, then i think we have great insight into another key element of both their characters.

do not forget: in the world of DN, heaven & hell do not exist. at least in the context of death itself, the realm & lore of the shinigami reign supreme, a point which the DN musical makes even more overt: "Isn't it a laugh? / Isn't it a shame? / Thinking there is someone in heaven to blame?" and "Going through the motions / as if there will be a reward / Oh, while we stay eternally bored!" (BEST SONGGG.) everyone is destined for the same fate of MU, the same void of nothingness awaits all. no reward, no punishment, no greater deity looking down upon us than the bored, slothful shinigami, lazing about in their realm and picking people off only when necessary (for the most part).

misa & mello are thus dedicating themselves to false idols, and we can see the negative effects this has on them in almost every facet of their character-- particularly for mello, who is perhaps more self-aware and has more of a mixed emotional outlook on his idol, but maybe even to a more extreme degree for misa. i keep going back to this idea of equating boredom with depression in DN, but where light/L/near are all "bored" in a very quiet, passive, stewing-in-bed late at night kinda way, misa & mello are characteristically a lot more aggressive and intense about it-- while neither of them are super overtly suicidal, necessarily, their actions still betray a distinct lack of care for their own safety or lives, expressing the same thematic sentiment as the others. even if they still don't straight up say it, through their actions they're a lot louder about not liking themselves, and seem to take the problems they see in the world more personally, shouldering the blame as a failure within themselves instead of projecting it outward like the others: e.g. light taking his unhappiness at the emptiness of his life at the start of the story & placing the blame on the world for "going to shit" & humanity's moral failings, versus misa being willing to literally & figuratively give up her life for KIRA the second he demands it, whether that be in the form of shinigami eyes or killing her own friends w/o second thought-- all because he was the only thing to bring justice to her own parents' deaths, an almost undoubtedly traumatizing/horrible experience for her considering how much value she places on KIRA/light afterwards.

to clarify, this is not to say that all of these characters are actually and literally depressed and/or suicidal, though you could certainly make that argument for some/all of them-- this is just one way that i think you could interpret their roles in the plot, and their thematic attachment to the story. even if DN isn't all that interested in considering the True Moral Answer to ethics/the justice system/human society/etc, it definitely takes at least some interest in the emotional viewpoints of characters in relation to those concepts, so i think this is a fair enough approach to take. or to say this another way, it's less about justifying the claim that "the world is shit," and more about trying to understand the emotional motivation & experience of feeling like the world is shit, if that makes sense.

that being said...speaking more on the whole "not liking themselves," thing: even if she doesn't say it aloud often, if ever, i think that misa is deeply aware of the fact that she was not supposed to live this long, that her existence at all is a pure stroke of luck that let her live on past her destined date. she dedicates herself to light so fully, not even necessarily expecting reciprocation (though she at least reserves herself the possibility of such), because being a disciple to her god at least gives her life some kind of purpose. similarly, i think mello is also aware of just how out of reach the one thing he wants is, how his desperation in and of itself is ironically the one thing keeping him from surpassing near and truly being #1. it's important to note that pre-time skip misa & post-skip mello are almost exactly the same age, around 20 years old at the time of their main arcs. they're immature, and in the case of mello especially, are lashing out at the world in whatever way they can because they know they don't quite fit into it in the way that they want to or should. regardless of the intent behind it, mello & misa both still make the conscious decision to kill with the DN-- perhaps in a way that still keeps their humanity, at least following near's logic, but it's a decision to end a human life either way.

anyways, going back to my previous point, this "worshiping of false idols," idea has some interesting implications-- for misa & mello yes, but also for L and the ways in which he contrasts again light, as under this logic mello's treatment kind of inherently gives L a similar status as a sort of false god/idol. which-- actually makes a lot of sense? or at the very least, viewing wammy's house as a kind of mystery cult a la the eleusinian mysteries is a neat approach to take. L & light's mutual alienation from humanity fits them both filling a false god status, anyway. also there's another thread of analysis you could follow here where near is instead fit into the role of the person mello is fixated on which AAAAAAAAA has interesting implications but jesus fucking christ, this post is long. some thoughts for another time, i suppose.

[sunderingstars]

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✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ NOTABLE TOPICS ⌝

sampo analysis m.list

— what the stars reveal: interpretative analysis, elation!sampo, theory, general observations, somewhat list format

— word count: 4.8k

— overview: (as of 2.6) a compilation of notable topics surrounding sampo koski that do not fit into the other analysis sections i’ve covered so far!

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✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ INTRODUCTION ⌝

Includes: Mr. Cold Feet, Dream Bubbles & Tatalov, Astral Express, Boothill’s Emanator Talk, Trashcan Event, Rating Pistol, Moze’s Splash Art & “Prey,” Photo Event, By Any Means Necessary Curio, Master Thief’s Tentacle, Versatile Joker, Wardance Event, and more!

In the interest of not wanting to burn out talking about my beloved blue-haired man, I have compiled the rest of my findings into a list of notable topics — I may or may not elaborate on these in the future, but I at least wanted to point them out in their own dedicated post!

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ MR. COLD FEET ⌝

I mainly just wanted to mention how I think the alias of “Mr. Cold Feet” may be a reference to Sampo’s feelings about his “job” within the Masked Fools and his status within the Elation. 

As seen below, the phrase “cold feet” often refers to a loss of confidence — or rather, the presence of uncertainty (“doubt,” even, if we want to bring up Clown’s Items). Additionally, “cold feet” is often a colloquial way of saying someone is backing out or leaving.

These definitions make Sampo’s alias all the more intriguing, especially te fact he is known not just for having cold feet, but for doing it so much he is literally known as “Mr. Cold Feet.” Whether this was a name he ascribed to himself or a name originating from others, it doesn’t change the association. Here, Star Rail is making a direct connection between who Sampo is as a character — his name, his identity — and the practice of losing courage to the point of backing out. 

I believe this is not meant to be a one-time occurrence (seeing as the “Mr. Cold Feet Pop-Up Shop” event is rolling around now using the name once again), but rather an insight into Sampo’s character and potential situation surrounding his occupation and identity.

On a surface level, this seems to be about Sampo’s general slippery nature. He not only bribes us to keep quiet, which works in some cases, but even in the timeline where we don’t take the bribe, he still manages to get away. Clearly, he’s an expert on “backing out” of situations when they get too hairy.

Going deeper, though, I think this also has to do with the Masked Fools and his discontentment with his “job”. As seen on Penacony, he doesn’t think highly of the Fools (or at least their jokes) and has specific ideas of Elation that don’t line up with theirs. Being part of such a group that is at odds with his worldview would likely cause him to waver in his commitment to said group. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to back out or get “cold feet” towards them, whether that means particular jobs they need him to do or just the organization as a whole. 

I also think “cold feet” may refer to some bigger plan, perhaps put in motion by Aha, other Aeons, or other Emanators that Sampo, potentially as an Emanator himself, no longer wants to be a part of. These “cold feet” may even be what’s causing Sampo to help us instead of harm us, deviating from some other plan once he began to have doubts about it for one reason or another. (Also, as a Doll!Sampo truther this could also be him becoming fed up with being a literal punching bag.)

Either way, I believe “Mr. Cold Feet” isn’t just a moniker, but something that is as much a part of Sampo as his blue hair. Although he doesn’t seem like the grand wavering type day-to-day, I think it’s possible that some greater machinations or discontentment with his position in life have led him to, well, lose some nerve due to backstory, psychological, or circumstantial reasons.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ DREAM BUBBLES & TATALOV ⌝

Astral Express Dream Bubble:

(Update: The item description says this bubble is said to contain the “dreams of Akivili,” meaning it’s likely from Their perspective. I’ve revised a bit of this section to reflect that!)

(There is also the chance Aha isn’t involved at all here, but given the references to Elation and Pom-Pom mentioning “that guy who blew up the train into two pieces” at the end, I don’t think it’s off the table!)

I wanted to quickly give this its own shoutout, since it directly shows a discussion about several impulsive and joke-like actions Akivili makes on the Express. Not only is this whole incident really interesting for me as an Elation enjoyer, but I also like the details of the jokes, especially since they don’t seem to be… well… very harmful in nature. Compared to “blowing up the Express,” watering plants with soda and stealing snacks seem so, just, mundane. It’s kind of endearing, to be honest. It almost seems like They’re trying to take a page out of Aha’s book, albeit in a more mundane, everyday-life kind of way. (They just wanted to have a little fun. They were feeling silly, Your Honor.)

Now to be serious: While going through the dream bubble, I realized Aha is referenced, but we never get any indication of Their appearance, or who They were masquerading as at the time, simply being referred to as “that guy.” Not only are we, the player, placed in a faceless role as the viewer of the bubble, but many details are kept vague about this past event. Not even Pom-Pom gives any hints as to what Aha looks or sounds like.

While this small mention might be the natural course of the conversation, it cuts off at a very specific point right after Pom-Pom brings the “incident” up. This might be a side effect of the dream bubble being incomplete or only from a certain perspective, but I also think it’s just as likely that this is intentional. That someone, perhaps even Aha Themself, gave us access to a dream bubble depicting only a small, specific part of the conversation — one with no hints or identifying features. Someone who may want to steer us in a certain direction but not want us to know what Aha looked like at the time. Which is interesting, because… why not? If They can change Their appearance at will, why not? If we haven’t seen Them before, why not? I believe the reason we may not be given these details is because we would recognize Them, or at least Their identifying features.

This can go multiple ways — it’s possible we’re dealing with an Aha!Sampo who simply doesn’t want us spoiling the fun, an Emanator!Sampo who was sent to mess with the Express on Aha’s behalf and potentially even impersonate Them, a former Aha!Sampo long since displaced by a usurper, or even my favorite idea, that Doll!Sampo having the appearance and voice of Aha’s form (even just at the time) would cause a whole lot of complicated confusion that no one, especially the players of the game, can handle right now.

There is also a reference to Elation — “this trailblazing expedition of yours is indeed an ‘Elating’ one” — and Dr. Edward seems strangely insistent on not providing additional details. That, paired with “Akivili?” having a quite noticeable question mark, throws me for a bit of a loop. Elation seems to be very much at play here, but to what extent I’m not sure.

At the very least, I feel this bubble was left for us for a a reason, perhaps even something having to do with the Elation itself.

Tatalov:

Oh Tatalov dream bubble, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been said? A lot, I think, actually.

One, this is Sampo’s dreamscape. While this could mean nothing, it’s also his dreamscape, meaning anything is fair game to connect to him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was trying to tell us something through his own mind.

Two, Belobog is the setting, not only implying his predisposition for the place but potentially implying something big will go down there.

Three, when we ask where everyone is, he says “this is a surprise that will be revealed later” — very Elation-coded, very cryptic. Once again implying some big plot development we haven’t yet reached. 

Four, he encourages us to take our time and acclimate. Very sweet. Very wholesome.

Five, Sampo’s advice (?). Interesting to-do list — become Garbage King. Makes me wonder what the Garbage King is meant to represent; perhaps Aha, a Masked Fool, leading a revolution, taking control of Belobog, reuniting with lost power? Seems like he’s gunning for the top either way. “Though the trash bags have long been broken” is also intriguing. Implies rising in a sort of fight or revolution — perhaps the trash bags are meant to symbolize Belobog’s people, or perhaps even the other creations/toys when considering Doll!Sampo theory. Maybe both. 

(I’m more inclined towards the Belobog angle here, since the dream both takes place there and features the trash bags well-known for being there. Update: Taking the “Ace Trash Digger” occurrence into account, it may be that Sampo aims to become some sort of patron for “discarded” items, perhaps seeing Belobog as something abandoned and forgotten much like himself. In that sense, “become the Garbage King” may mean something similar to him becoming a leader or guide to Belobog — and by extension, other places or people seen as “garbage” — since he feels a sort of kinship with them.)

Six, the dream feels familiar to us. Sampo is once again being cryptic with the whole “anything can feel familiar” bit, but this may be meant to show us the future, in a way. Perhaps it’s so familiar because we will go through it or somehow have gone through it in the past. This could also be something to do with Sampo’s backstory, which feels so familiar because we’re in his dreamscape.

Seven, after the dream is interrupted, he mentions how he was looking forward to seeing how we would overthrow the Garbage King. He mentions the King specifically, which makes me almost think the King is synonymous with a person or single entity in the real universe. Again, this could be Aha, some powerful figure who will threaten Belobog, or even Sampo himself. It’s possible that Sampo, just wanting to settle down for once in his life, is looking for someone to “dethrone” him in a way, so he can either be free or finally get what he wants.

Eight, despite trying to play the fool (haha) during the dream and acting a bit nonchalant, he clearly says it was a “meaningful” dream when Firefly interrupts it. Additionally, he mentions he was looking forward to “seeing your face when the truth dawned on you.” Clearly, this isn’t just a one-off fun side quest, it means something. Once again, I believe there may be something Sampo is trying to tell us that he literally can’t say out loud — either that or he’s just toying around with us.

There definitely a big “secret” implied here, as he clearly thinks the “truth” he mentions will be enough to seriously shock us. This is further emphasized by him insisting he’s not “trying to say” anything, just “reveal the truth”. That’s a very specific distinction that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense unless he’s under some kind or prerogative to make that distinction, such as not being able to talk about certain things.

The question of the hour, though, is: What truth? What could he have been trying to reveal? Could it be Emanator status, Doll status, Aha Themself? I’m not entirely sure. So much of his character is still shrouded in mystery that even trying to analyze some of these scenes feels like fighting an uphill battle since we don’t have the proper context yet to view them in hindsight. I know this is foreshadowing, I’m just not sure for what. I at least believe the truth to not be directly Belobog-related, as I think whatever “truth” is there to be found likely has to do with Sampo’s identity itself. Beyond that, things get murky.

Ideally, I’d love it to be a mix of everything. A little bit of Emanator!Sampo via Boothill’s run-in, a little bit of Doll!Sampo via those Simulated Universe occurrences, and a little bit of toxic fucked-up Elation speech curse from Aha sprinkled with a creation’s rage against its creator — that’s my favorite soup for sure.

I also wanted to bring up how in the Tatalov cutscene, we see Sampo at a similar large size as Phantylia once she shed her mortal form, which could be foreshadowing Emanator status.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ ASTRAL EXPRESS ⌝

I find it very interesting how, out of the numerous characters who visit the Express, Sampo is nowhere to be seen. 

At first, I thought it was a Masked Fools thing, but then Sparkle started visiting the Express so it’s definitely not that. Additionally, every single Belobog character can visit the Express except for him.

This makes Sampo all the more conspicuous to me, since it raises a clear question: Why?

There must be some reason he won’t board the Express even when others from both Belobog and the Masked Fools do. My current theory is that he shares a similar appearance to Aha or Their human form (either through being a part of Them, created in Their image, or some other complicated backstory shenanigans) and the reason he won’t board is because he’s worried Pom-Pom will recognize him from the time Aha infiltrated the Express.

One thing’s for sure, though — the more time passes and the more characters visit, the more suspicious this whole situation becomes.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ BOOTHILL'S EMANATOR TALK ⌝

Not much to say except I think the “Elation Emanator” Boothill refers to is Sampo. Not only does the Emanator look “no different than that of those clowns,” implying a status within the Masked Fools that we know Sampo has, but Boothill even talks about the reasons Emanators may hide their identity at a different point in the conversation. It seems to me that Sampo may be hiding his status for self-preservation or the protection of others, which seems to be working quite well!

I do find it funny that the Emanator got drunk, though, because that means one of two things: 1. Sampo played Boothill like a fiddle and is trying to drop us some kind of hint, meaning he pretended to be drunk in a likely exaggerated and hilarious way (and Boothill completely bought it), or 2. Sampo “Midlife-Crisis” Koski, an Emanator of Elation, actually got drunk and revealed his status to Boothill in a stupor while probably complaining about his job or means of existence. I’m not sure which idea is funnier to think about!

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ TRASHCAN EVENT ⌝

This gives us more insight into how Sampo views “friendship” and potentially by extension “love.” He condenses it down very nicely — “mutual benefit.” As I’ve mentioned in other analyses, Sampo seems to view friendship from a business perspective, something to be gained or lost like currency. Although he is loyal to places like Belobog and likely has deeper feelings of affection hidden in there, he only shows the con-man to others. The only thing he’ll be caught talking about is business, which goes for friendship too. 

He also mentions the dichotomy of “paying with money” versus “paying with effort,” implying that there is an extremely give-and-take nature to relationships. He isn’t wrong, but it belies the assumption that love must include a payment or a price. It cannot, will not, be freely given. This may come from a genuine, natural belief, but I find it more likely that this comes from whatever his backstory is. Whatever betrayal he has experienced, whatever “hate” he has allowed to fester in his chest, it has caused him to adopt a rather cynical view of friendship. While I do think he isn’t entirely wrong, that doesn’t mean the way he sees things is necessarily healthy.

(Litter Pony also notes a “bittersweet friendship” from him, which further connects to Sampo’s cocktail of love, hate, betrayal, and enthusiasm.)

Additionally, I believe this interaction points towards how ingrained cruelty towards Sampo is in the universe. Trailblazer has to focus and think very hard to remember something Sampo has done to help us, even though he’s done quite a few notable things (including literally saving our life in the Hook daily) that I think should come to mind much faster.

To me, it almost seems like the Trailblazer is having to fight against some natural current guiding them to be mean or cruel, to think the worst of Sampo at all times and express those extreme emotions to his face, just to find a bright spot of affection. It could be the Trailblazer’s character, or it could be some deeper byproduct of Sampo’s existence. I don’t entirely know, I just find it interesting.

The name “Hazardous Waste” trash can is very interesting to me, particularly because of certain character dialogue and Simulated Universe occurrences that imply themes of creation, abandonment, and festering hatred surrounding Sampo’s character. “Hazardous Waste” could mean many things, but I tend to see it as aligned with a Sampo who was created by Aha (potentially in the pursuit of “perfection”) only to then be discarded or abandoned once he served his purpose.

In this sense, “Hazardous” would refer to the hatred and betrayal in Sampo that makes him so dangerous, and “Waste” would refer to the way he was essentially discarded as trash once Aha was done playing with him. Alternatively, this could be a reference to the Masked Fools and him no longer being as powerful as he once was, since the betrayal aspects could also stem from some sort of incident within the Fools while he was still in this prime.

The abilities of both Sampo (the magician) and the trashcan focus on planting “Hazardous Waste” on the enemy’s side of the field and inflicting impediments. Here are a a few things I noted:

— Each Waste increases DoT taken by enemies. Implies strength in numbers.

— When Sampo uses his ultimate, enemies are inflicted with “Deep Blue Curse” — this not only ties to his character being known for his blue hair (much like in Curio Hacker as well), but ties that moniker with the idea of a “curse.” I believe this may mean Sampo is either cursed himself, has the ability to curse others, or both. The in-universe counterpart may literally be a curse, or may be something only adjacent like bad luck, falling from grace, or the aforementioned betrayal.

— “Deep Blue Curse” inflicts Lightning DoT. Interesting, since Sampo is a Wind character. This might be an easter egg for a future Lightning Sampo unit or a tie to Moze who shares a few similarities with Sampo, or it might literally be nothing.

— “Hazardous Waste” triggers random effects, much like certain Elation occurrences and Path equations in Simulated Universe.

— A part of these random effects is, I kid you not please listen to my insane rambling, to beat up Sampo which then regenerates energy and attack for him. I will say it again he gets beat up for a reward. Much like… an occurrence that rhymes with Baja Bluffed Boy……… Anyways, Doll!Sampo theorists rise!

Here are two of Sampo’s cans on each side of the battlefield. It feels symbolic of something but I’m not sure what. Maybe there are others like Sampo by virtue of existence who may find themselves in conflict? Maybe this is supposed to mirror the chaotic nature and betrayal of the Masked Fools? Perhaps this is supposed to represent an inner conflict where Sampo finds himself in a double agent situation between Paths, needing to determine what route to take? I don’t know, but it’s damn fascinating.

Sampo after he gets hit… much like a doll…. to vent extreme emotions on……

Potentially an implication that Sampo is a mole — the only questions are For who? and Towards who? (I feel like both the Trailblaze and Elation are involved, but for the life of me I’m not sure if it’s a straightforward “Hello Trailblazer, I am betraying you” deal or a “I have been sent to harm you by the Elation but jokes on Them! I hate Them and will actually help you instead” double agent situation. Or a secret third option. My brain is breaking trying to comprehend this.)

This sheds a little light on my confusion, but only a little. He says he’ll rush to help a friend in trouble even if it means “infiltrating the enemy and taking them down from the inside” which implies to me that we, the Trailblazer, (or even the Astral Express) are that friend with how much he refers to us as one, but there’s also the chance that he considers someone else, perhaps even the Elation in general, to be the “friend” he’s helping.

I want to believe that we’re the friend and he’s infiltrating, for example, maybe the Masked Fools or something else to help us, but then again who knows with this man. For all I know, “Belobog” could be the friend and we could be the threat and he’s trying to protect Belobog at all costs from us. Who knows! I’m tired! I love this man but I wish he would communicate better!

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ RATING PISTOL ⌝

Ah yes, the infamous rating pistol. I won’t be getting into too much speculation here since everything I could say has probably already been said, but I do want to note how Sampo’s rating is “invalid,” along with other extremely powerful characters including several confirmed Emanators or “part of an Emanator” characters like Acheron and Jing Yuan.

Personally, I think the pistol’s reaction of widening its eye then closing it wearily indicates being confronted with some kind of high power level — the kind that may cause it to feel threatened — whether that power is of an Emanator or otherwise. 

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ MOZE'S SPLASH ART & "PREY" ⌝

Just a note on Moze’s similar color scheme to Sampo (with red switched inside instead of outside), his abilities of marking “Prey” paralleling Sampo’s light cone “Eyes of the Prey,” and the splash art including a suspiciously Sampo-like figure fighting with a fist raised.

I’m not entirely sure what the splash art means yet or if that’s even Sampo (or someone related to him), but if we are operating under the assumption that it’s him, my mind would go immediately to mass-produced creations of Elation (much like the Aha Stuffed Toy or The *Perfect* Grand Challenge’s clay dolls, given the sheer amount of people in chains in the art) rising against whatever system they find themselves in, which could include Sampo as the driving force of rebellion. Moze may even be one of these toys, who knows.

Or I could be wrong about all of this — I just don’t think we have enough to go on yet to make any solid conjectures.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ PHOTO EVENT ⌝

He’s just kinda cute here, that’s all :)

He wants to boast about being a bit of a model and I for one am not going to stop him!

Although, once again, the Trailblazer’s meanness and the absence of a “nice” dialogue option is another connection to the idea that the conditions of Sampo’s existence may push others around him to act in emotionally extreme (usually mean or violent or frustrated) ways :(

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY ⌝

I’m mostly drawn to this Curio because it mirrors Sampo’s “dead bones” motif, plus the phrase “By Any Means Necessary” feels like it could slot into his character quite nicely. With certain parts of his dialogue, it’s implied he may be paying a “cost” or “risk” for the benefit of a reward later on, which would match with the idea of accomplishing something by doing whatever he needed to do, including weakening himself or his powers.

The Curio also rewards the player Cosmic Fragments depending on how many Curios they have, and I always look out for Cosmic Fragment-related items when thinking about Sampo since they’re the Simulated Universe’s equivalent to currency (or money). This one is further amplified by the scaling of Curio rarity, which could be seen as comparable to the relics or artifacts Sampo deals with in-universe.

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ MASTER THIEF'S TENTACLE ⌝

Not that I necessarily think this item refers to Sampo specifically, but he is technically a master thief so I thought I would be remiss to not bring it up. Although it has to do with the Xianzhou’s Shackling Prison, who’s to say Sampo never ended up there at one time or another — clearly he gets around the universe quite easily!

However, now that I think about it, the “extra surprise” obtained when winning against an enemy is very… “Surprise Present” Sampo-coded… and “plenty of other tentacles” could refer to his multiple identities…. (Addition: the “tentacles” could also be referring to mass-produced dolls sent to do Aha’s bidding, with the “Master Thief” being Aha themself.)

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ VERSATILE JOKER⌝

I just wanted to note this for being in the “Moment of Joy” category, which has very Elation-coded masks as its cover. The achievement name itself — “Versatile Joker” — points not only towards Sampo’s versatility and ability to blend in with almost anyone due to his charisma, but “joker” puts him even more in orbit with the Masked Fools than he already is. Also, the achievement is “hidden.” Very interesting!

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ WARDANCE EVENT ⌝

First, I just want to point out how Hook appears at the Wardance as a special correspondent for the “Crystal Daily,” which is the same organization Madam Poisson says she is reporting for in Sampo’s Character Story Part 1. I feel like this could go one of two ways: either the Crystal Daily is an actual, legitimate publication that Poisson only pretended to be a part of and that Hook somehow managed to report for, or Sampo sent Hook to report on the Wardance himself on behalf of his fake and entirely made-up news station.

Personally, I’m inclined to believe the latter given Hook’s response saying, “No one hired me. This is my summer assignment.” To me, this really sounds like Sampo wanted to let her loose for some Learning & Enrichment Time, and so gave her a “cool important assignment” to go and learn about life outside Belobog, kind of like hiding medicine in a food your kid likes. This also might be Sampo’s way of “spying” on how the events play out, given that he cares about Belobog and its progress so much.

I also am not sure I believe that Hook wrote the entire article herself — some of the parts sound like her for sure, like saying people got “really mad” and said “mean things about the judges, but words like “understandably” and “compliant” are used in a way that sounds a bit too mature for her age. Maybe the writer’s didn’t get her voice down 100%, maybe she’s actually learning from her assignment, or maybe, just maybe, Sampo looked over her writing before she sent it in and helped her edit it.

I dunno, the whole situation seems really sweet to me. I just like thinking about Sampo as this mentor-like figure slowly trying to push Hook out of the nest like a baby bird while still watching over her. 

Not entirely Sampo-related, but I wanted to note the narrator’s fourth-wall break here. This was a super interesting little dialogue section on the Skysplitter, and I have half a mind to think it’s Elation-related (if not Aha Themself) speaking to us directly. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s Sampo, but again, it definitely reminds me of Elation fourth-wall breaks and other moments of a self-aware narrator. (Although it would be cool if it was somehow him.)

Lines like “please don’t ask such vibe-killing questions!” really seem suspect to me. Like I know you’re there Mx. Aha. And I love you ♡

Very heartbreaking line I associate with Doll!Sampo. I don’t think the game intentionally put this here to be a link to him, but I am making the connection anyway and also crying. “… Would it have felt like it was being manipulated and toyed with?” JUST RIP MY HEART OUT WHY DON’T YOU!

✩ ‧₊˚ ⌞ MISCELLANEOUS ⌝

— Sampo’s light cone is featured in the Lucent Afterglow art, probably just because it was one of the first light cones in the game. It still doesn’t get past me that Lucent Afterglow is a more meta-currency of higher origin. Probably doesn’t mean anything, but I figured I’d point it out!

— The Ship of Fools Unknowable Domain occurrence heavily implies Sampo to be a “broken mask” — here’s a link to my post discussing it.

— Sampo has a companion text where he talks about being burnt out at his job and asks us if he should quit. Given the idea he may be sent by the Elation to mess with us but is having second thoughts and Protective Instincts, I say, “Yes, Sampo! Please quit your job!”. He could also be talking about the Masked Fools in general or being in a position of power within them, which, again, I would say, “Please quit your job and come enjoy a nice relaxing vacation with me!”

— An Intellitron NPC in Dreamflux Reef named Kirk has dialogue about Asmon Rim, an Elation planet whose extreme path led them to destroy “any remaining vestiges of their morality” and treat “other lives as toys of entertainment.” As one of those toys, Kirk was deeply unhappy with his life and escaped. While I’m not sure if this has anything to do with Sampo, the methodology of Elation followers treating others as toys does tie in to things I’ve talked about like Aha Stuffed Toy and The *Perfect* Grand Challenge, albeit in a somewhat less Aha-centric way.

— I know Kalevala also exists as a planet in the HSR universe, and if I were to speculate where Sampo is from I feel like this is the obvious answer, but with how Asmon Rim lines up with some of my theories I’m tempted to say perhaps he found his way to one place or the other along the way.

Overall, this man has a lot going for him! He’s very mysterious which makes theorizing all the more difficult, but that’s what I find so fun about it — the journey not the destination and all that. Even if most of this ends up being completely wrong, there are a lot of things that still tie into parts of his character we know for sure to be canon, like his con-man occupation and Masked Fool identity. I’m happy to talk about any of these short topic blurbs more, by the way, I just wanted to include them all together here so I wasn’t posting ten billion separate analyses as part of the project!

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.𖥔 ݁ ˖ જ⁀➴ thanks for reading to the end, and thanks for all the love and support on this project. the official main course may be almost over, but i will likely continue to expand on my theories and thoughts as more sampo content releases! :)

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© analysis by sunderingstars. do not copy, repost, translate, modify, or claim my work as your own.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

P5R Random Thoughts #3: Annoyance, Anger, and Conviction

Or, just a couple more random thoughts about Joker.

I actually do enjoy that Joker seems to sometimes get genuinely frustrated with his friends' antics - I don't know if it reads that way to anyone else, but a combination of his dialogue options and character model body language definitely reads that way to me.

He's gotten mildly annoyed with Ryuji's loudness on several occasions - often having dialogue choices that are essentially some variant of "keep your voice down!" Much as Joker feels what I suspect is quite a lot of gratitude for Ryuji's unflinching support and passion (he was his first friend in Tokyo, after all - no deal, just friendship), his dialogue options also become a lot more passive aggressive during early Kaneshiro arc - and small wonder, because Ryuji's eager carelessness actually did get them caught; thankfully by Makoto, and not law enforcement. Of course, he still cares a lot about Ryuji; I think he's just a little frustrated right now.

He's usually pretty chill with Morgana bossing him around - for what reason, I honestly couldn't tell you, but he does pretty much anything that not-cat recommends. However, when Morgana spontaneously invites Yusuke to stay with Joker without asking him, Joker kind of "!!" and looks at him. It's then followed up with everyone deciding to invite themselves to Joker's place, again, without asking him and Morgana encouraging it. The scene ends with Joker straight up elbowing/jostling Morgana in the bag after everyone's left for Leblanc. Pfft.

He tells Yusuke to hurry it up in Mementos when he gets too in the zone... and much as you can't rush an artist, they do near immediately get jumped by Shadows after that, so, you know, he does have a point.

Even with Ann, Joker frequently sweatdrops at her kind of out-there ideas of how to strengthen her heart. While I wouldn't call it annoyance, per se, there is at least one scene I can think of where two of the options straight up shut her down, and the last is basically a sarcastic "good luck with that", which Ann proceeds to take at face value as encouragement, leading to Joker sweatdropping once again. Lol.

So many of these are basically the equivalent of Joker going >:( at his friends and them typically completely not noticing which is funny as heck.

Also, because I'm the kind of person who loves to read into things, I think it can tell us a little more about Joker. What actually frustrates him here?

Drawing attention to the group in the real world - something he actively tries to avoid, at first, because of consequences for him, and then, because it puts the thieves at risk

Getting himself and the group into unnecessary trouble - so we've got two instances of Joker being mindful of potential consequences

People getting invited over without being asked first - this one's a little ambiguous as to why. Could be a simple courtesy thing, could be related to Joker's earlier obvious discomfort with people getting in his personal space without permission, could be that he likes his privacy. Personally, I suspect he's actually somewhat embarrassed and a little concerned about what his friends' reactions will be to where he's staying - I do have some reasons for this interpretation but ultimately, no matter what reason you ascribe, he's definitely not initially happy about this spontaneous invitation by Morgana.

I think we can even condense the first two and say that Joker seems to be a little more focused on outcomes and consequences than much of the rest of his group, who (before Makoto joins) very much people who act in the immediate moment. He's not quite on par with Morgana's brand of pragmatism, but he does seem to always be at least thinking ahead.

There are a few exceptions, however.

Joker's actual anger is something he is evidently not good at hiding. He has an excellent poker face, but his eyes and, apparently, the way he speaks give it away entirely. To hide his anger, he outright has to not say anything and obscure his face. That actually does not seem like someone who is especially good at hiding strong emotions, even if he can school the rest of himself.

Ann, of all people, has to make excuses for his obvious disdain towards a cop. Every single dialogue option is some flavour of snippy comment. His character model continues to stare directly at said cop, even after Ann interrupts.

He is not thinking about consequences here. Joker fucking hates cops, and he is either very bad at hiding it - or he has no desire to. A very similar thing happened with Kamoshida too. He has nothing but disdain for abusers with power and authority over those they hurt. He also outright doesn't trust the justice system at all after seeing how it failed him and so many others ("They do more than the cops" <-hello. on live tv no less.).

And this leads to something else that's actually a fairly interesting facet to his character that I'm curious to see if it'll get acknowledged in some way.

For the most part, despite the Metaverse confidence and flashiness (which I feel isn't a great metric anyways - all the thieves are like that), Joker responds to most compliments and successes by either complimenting the whole team in turn, or brushing it off as luck or not a huge deal. This is likely in part a cultural thing, but when it comes to genuine appreciation being shown, he does seem to have some semblance of humility about it all - which is why it's almost hilariously shocking how pushy he can be about helping others.

He chases after Ann because she's upset, even though initially she told him not to. He corners some of the students getting exploited by Kaneshiro and won't leave until they tell him the details, even resorting to playing into the rumours about him so that they'll talk. He overhears his confidants in some kind of trouble on several occasions and near immediately asks them about it, and then continues to bring it up if they don't elaborate. It's notable that these instances are some of the few things he decides to do himself, without Morgana's explicit encouragement. I suspect a lot of this is because he has so little faith in anyone else to do the right thing - he has no trust in the justice system, and most adults don't seem to care. But Joker cares, and he will listen to what happened, and he will do something about it, and he will help, and he does so by refusing to let up - he does not wait for someone to ask for help necessarily, he just kind of goes and does it. It's not like I can't see the rationale here, but it's also, kind of, a little bit... presumptuous, in a way.

Again, it's a fascinating contrast with his typical (at least apparent) humility, and his kind of wishy-washy dialogue from early game - Joker has always been firm about this.

The official forming of the Phantom Thieves at the buffet is a scene that really caught my eye for this. Again, much as Joker has the same level of anger as his friends, his answers are still largely "probably"s and "maybe"s. He "hadn't even considered" continuing to act as Phantom Thieves. But interestingly, there is one dialogue option that is stated with none of the usual hesitancy or vagueness - "I want to help people". <- It's the crux of his awakening. This is Joker's true conviction. And he's willing to do anything, be whoever he needs to be, to see this through. He wants to help. He can't bring himself to look away.

Asserting the Phantom Thieves' brand of justice is a conviction that arises later on through proof of the effectiveness of changing hearts, and as a natural extension of his growing familiarity and confidence in their methods. Joker nearly always needs a little push to get started, but once he gets going, he's kind of relentless. He doesn't seem to be truly all that angry with either Makoto or Akechi for their questioning of the thieves' justice (barring his initial reaction), but he does, again, get annoyed at the assumption that the thieves are somehow a threat to people who aren't inflicting harm onto others - Joker says the thieves only target "criminals", implying that even though others may see them as criminals themselves, Joker does not agree. And when Makoto winds up joining them, there appears to be no residual hard feelings from him - she's like them, and she's come around.

It's likely too soon for me to state with any certainty, but I do think that's what Joker is hoping for - that people will come around if he gives them undeniable proof that they help instead of harm. Every character has at least some "selfish" motive to being a Phantom Thief, in addition to the shared goal of providing courage for those left abandoned by society. Ryuji wants positive instead of negative attention for once, Morgana wants his memories, Ann wants to alleviate her feelings of guilt surrounding Shiho, Yusuke aims to understand the human heart, and Makoto wants to feel useful and needed. What about Joker?

He started off this story just trying to help. No one believed him. He was punished for "hurting" someone and there was nothing he could say or do that would convince anyone otherwise. It was his word against society's. And when the Phantom Thieves' motives are brought up, it's the same questions: aren't they going to hurt people? Aren't they dangerous and untrustworthy? And this frustrates Joker in a similar way to the rumours surrounding his own arrest, but now - now he has proof. Proof that they helped, proof that this works. It's undeniable, to him, that real good is coming of this. And so now he has a leg to stand on; he can actually argue his point by saying "the Phantom Thieves aren't like that; look at the people they're helping, and how the people who should've done something can't do half the good they do". It's no longer his word against the rest of the world. He's counting on people being unable to deny what they are forced to witness.

In a way, Joker now has grounds not just to plead the Phantom Thieves' justice... but also his own innocence and good intentions. His defense of their justice is also, I believe, a defense of his own ego, to an extent.

[enchantedescapist]

Theodore Nott Headcannons/Background

IT'S KINDA MESSY WRITTEN BUT I LIKE IT SO GIVE IT A CHANCE :)

Theodore Nott was born on October 26th (scorpio) at Florence,Italy and he was raised at the city of Salisbury in Southern England .He is quiet, exceptionally intelligent, and a pretty handsome boy; he doesn't have a superiority complex like others in his friendgroup, but he is very confident and charming carrying also a pride for his house (Slytherin). He has his friends ( Mattheo Riddle,Draco Malfoy,Blaise Zabini,Enzo Berkshire) - but he is a quiet loner an introvert but without that making him antisocial..in fact he is very good with words and fast come backs.He’s very much an observer of the world around him, judging everyone and making wry, snarky, generally sarcastic comments about them in his head and sometimes not only in his head.Theodere might seem the most cold and distant in the friendgroup but he is in his core a kind person ,with humour always making his closest people laugh and generous you just need to know him first and make him feel comfortable otherwise he is very mysterious and private with his life.

Despite being labeled as a "fuckboy" in his friend group and the whole Hogwarts do be in fact ,due to his flirting tendencies,his attractive appearance and his charming words, Theodore craves genuine love and connection. He enjoys attention, especially from girls, but deep down, he desires a meaningful relationship.

Theodore’s mother Rosalina died when he was a young child. She had a rare illness that gradually caused her to lose the ability to use magic - weakening her and pretty much turning her into a Squib, although Theodore didn’t see it that way, but his father did: Tiberius Nott refused to visit his wife in the hospital and basically pretended that she didn’t exist (although he did pay for a private suite in St. Mungo’s.) Theodore, although perhaps six or seven, visited his mother alone, learning how to take the Floo Network to St. Mungo’s to visit and often staying there.

He was present when Rosalina Nott died, providing him with the ability to see thestrals. It also gave him the determination to become a Healer when he graduated from Hogwarts.: it’s his overriding ambition, and he’s utterly driven to succeed. He was particularly good at Potions, and eventually became Potions Master for St. Mungo’s.Its important to mention that Theodore was a good student but he wasnt studying for hours like others ,he was simply doing the bare minimum and that was enough for him.

Theodore’s also a skilled Occlumens - and self-taught, since it’s a skill he found both interesting and useful. (As other skills go, his best subject is Potions; he often finds himself second in the class behind Hermione - third behind Harry in sixth year - something he resents Hermione for. He’s rather baffled by Harry’s sudden sixth-year success but ascribes it to Slughorn’s favoritism.) 5. Is known to everyone that Theodore loves quidditch, he is probably the best beater in the slytherin team.He is very passionate about it and its also a way for him to let his anger out and feel more free ( just go to therapy you have alot of job to do darling) 6.Theodore Nott is also a pragmatic realist but he doesnt believe in blood purity ideology,he is nowhere near as gung-ho as Draco. In fact, he hopes to wait until the war is over and thinks of joining the DEs as something that he’s obligated to do rather than what he genuinely wants to do. (The masks, the grandiose speeches, the pretense of anonymity when he knows practically everyone in the Dark Lord’s inner circle - it’s all utterly ridiculous to him.) 7. He spent the most Christmas alone if he is not invited to the Malfoy manor (which is very grateful for Narcissa and Lucius wanting him), his father is in Azkaban for the Department of Mysteries attack and…many other things but its whatever for him they were not getting along ever ( childhood trauma), and Theodore has no surviving relatives, family members and he doesnt prefer to stay at Hogwarts to face the pity of someone like Albus Dumbledore.Theodore's childhood was marked by loneliness, especially during the holidays alone in an empty house, his only gifts from the family house-elves who rummaged through the attic in an attempt to cheer him up - his Christmas holiday was generally cold, lonely, and sad. 8. Theo was also having a difficulty producing his patronus ( a Husky ) but there was always a memory which made him succeed and find peace the same time …(In the sitting room of the Nott Manor, the young Theodore sits beside his mother, Rosalina, at the grand piano. The room is filled with the soft glow of candlelight. Rosalina's fingers gracefully glide over the keys, coaxing out a melody that fills the air with warmth.As Theodore watches his mother play, a small smile graces his lips, and his eyes light up with admiration. He listens intently, completely enraptured by the music flowing from her fingertips.

With a gentle nudge from Rosalina, Theodore tentatively places his own small hands on the keys, mirroring her movements as they play together. Despite his initial hesitation, he soon finds his rhythm, the music becoming a harmonious duet between them.In that moment, young Theodore feels a sense of peace and contentment wash over him). It's a memory he'll carry with him always, a precious reminder of the bond they share and the joy found in the simple pleasure. Still that day, you can find Theodore playing piano when he feels valunerable or misses his mother a lot, he also doesnt say he can play piano but merlin knows why.

**REPOST AND LIKE IF YOU WANT PART 2! I was so happy while writting it haha.

[castlebyersafterdark]

Imagine Will going home after the first confession/make-out and immediately getting off alone. See, while Will had frequently gotten off while fantasizing about Mike in the past, this is the very first time he gets off with the thought “oh my god, this could actually happen. Mike and I having sex someday, that could be real”. Plus he now knows more things that elevate his fantasy. How Mike kisses, how he grips his hips, how he sounds when Will kisses his jaw and neck, etc. Safe to say Will does not last long.

Being the person that he was, Will was in the unique position of knowing what it was like to experience the feeling "if I disappeared right now...," though, not as happily as he could ascribe to his current state. More than a feeling. Here and gone. Been there, done that.

If the worst should happen and he disappeared again, if the ground opened and swallowed him up, if another gate split time and space and whisked him away - in that exact moment as he walked through the bedroom door after the best night of his life - he'd do so with a smile on his face. Didn't mean he wanted it to happen. Having now known what it was like to kiss Mike Wheeler, oh what a waste it would be.

What a revelation. It was like coming back to life all over again - another cliche experience of which he had personal knowledge. He was pretty sure his heart had stopped several times tonight. When he - when, he and Mike -

He'd kissed Mike Wheeler. Mike had kissed him. A lot. Quite a lot.

Please, let him live, actually. Forget all that darkness. He wanted to stay right there. Solid ground. Boring and wonderful planet earth. Linear and spinning. The cruelty of giving him everything he'd every wanted and then losing it? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

No thanks. He'd rather not have known then, if this was lose-able, if this would get snatched away.

The burden of knowledge.

Please, let me keep him.

They'd kissed once before, days ago. Danger. A fight. More danger, imminent danger. More fighting, and then stillness. A kiss. A confession. Too much danger for those so young, for anyone, really. And - now. Time. Calm before some storm. A chance to talk and slow down and smile into each other's mouths and and and. Kiss. For the sake of kissing, not to seal the truth into each other's anxiety corroded skin when faced with the possibility of this was it. Now or never.

They were getting closer to hope. To normal. It was going to get bad again. But, they existed suspended in the still of a moment.

Try to be normal. As normal as it can be when you're in love with your best friend and he knows that now. A secret unspooled. No longer restricting and suffocating like vines around limb. The strength to fight.

His room was dark and Will didn't bother with the light. He closed the door behind him and let out a long, contented sigh. Still smiling. His face almost hurt from the constant strain, though it could never hurt him. The solid ground was more like clouds, feet so light they stumbled as he approached the bed.

He couldn't concentrate on one foot in front of the other when his mind was a haze of Mike Mike Mike. His kisses. And everything more.

Will fell back onto the bed in the room he'd been staying in temporarily at the farm. Ever since returning to his town, he was a boy in limbo. He'd bounced from Mike's floor to his bed to the couch in his basement, to a cot at the radio station, and now to a spare room at their latest residence. At least he got a space to himself for once, with privacy. Sharing with Mike had been lovely and terrible and exciting and agonizing. A head spin, a constant mind fuck. Tense and soft and tense again. Close quarters, a team! But often - too far away.

He regretted it now, knowing what he knew, how Mike felt for him. And how he'd felt for him for quite some time. He regretted them not getting their shit together in time to take advantage of a bedroom and a locked door and a bed big enough for two. Big enough for two seventeen year old boys to lay side by side (and on top and behind and under and and and - he had to stop. A jolt ran down his body, hooked under his stomach. Twitching under his jeans. The images in his head - enough, Will. Enough.)

Didn't matter. He couldn't change time, force a path not ready to be tread. That hadn't been their journey. They liked each other. Maybe even loved each other. Will was so in love it made him sick from it most days - Mike hadn't said he loved him, didn't have to. He'd felt it. Still wanted to hear it. In time - the thing he couldn't force to move faster or slower, backwards or forwards. Where time stood still he didn't want to re-visit. Figured he would again. Inevitable. The threat loomed, ever present. A steady imprint on his roller coaster reality.

Ever present like the phantom feeling against his lips.

Mike's lips. His mouth, Mike's mouth. Will shifted in his too-narrow bed and kicked off his sneakers and pulled off his coat, brought a finger to his lips. Traced the shape of them, traveled the sloping curve. Less than an hour ago he'd had his mouth pressed to Mike's over and over and over and over. Teeth nipping at reddened skin. A tongue, cautious, testing, then sure, tracing slick lips and slipping into wet heat. The tingle of how it felt when they touched. Seemed weird to him before he'd tried it, even if he'd thought about what that would be like over and over.

He kissed the spiraling ring of forefinger and thumb as he brought his fist to his mouth, kissing his own skin. Inadequate. Couldn't get away with doing that anymore as he'd often practiced and fantasized, didn't feel like Mike's soft lips and hot tongue. Didn't taste like him, just nothing but his own skin.

Gosh, was that another revelation, learning how Mike tasted. Couldn't describe it, but he wanted more. Sweet but strange, skin and saliva and the hint of his own fruit flavored gum mixing with Mike's 7up and popcorn. They'd been hanging out in Mike's basement - a night of normalcy until the next disaster. He'd wanted to stay over. Mom insisted on him coming home. School night. As if that mattered anymore.

The world could end. He needed Mike. Needed to taste him again.

Will turned into his pillow and kissed the fabric, lips soft and slow as he allowed himself to moan into the scratch of threadbare cotton as he relived a memory. Guess he could go back in time. Freeze it. Repeat it. Kiss the pillowcase like he kissed Mike. He hadn't known what he was doing. Didn't seem like Mike knew either. Sloppy and inexperienced and so, so eager. Mike had said not to feel nervous, he'd never kissed anyone like that before either.

He hated himself a little for it, but Will couldn't help but feel excited about that truth. Being the only one to go further, to get Mike in a way no one else had, in a way someone else hadn't. He'd wallow in the guilt later. Now, he relived it. Kissed and kissed and continued where he wished they had before they parted with great reluctance.

It had been wet and open and messy and full of love. The heady adventure of inexperience and need. Heat and teeth. Breath through nostrils and mouths re-sealed. Hands grabbing at t-shirts and then bare skin, hands under clothing.

He was definitely hard now, all from making out with his pillow and trying to conjure the phantom flavor that was all but gone at that point. He ran his tongue over his teeth once more, over his lips, and frowned when he only tasted himself. His hips thrust forward into nothing and he couldn't take it.

Will's hand flew to his zipper, hesitated a moment as his fingers trailed up the body-heat warmed metal, then relented and pulled the teeth of the zipper down and apart slowly. He brushed a hand against the parted gap in his pants, petting over-top the underwear covering soft hair and the base of his dick, smiling dazed at the teasing relief. Mike hadn't touched him there. They'd only kissed - well. Not quite true.

They may have gotten a little carried away.

He'd only been pining over the boy for the bulk of his young life, all of the parts that mattered, anyway. Before Mike and After Mike. The after was love and longing. The after now, having kissed him and told him how he felt and come out on the other side alive, in the true After - he knew too much. Felt enough to make him burn.

Hands sliding under his shirt, too gentle against his skin, against the scar tissue of a burn mark on his side and then felt all too good as those same gentle, huge hands gripped his waist and hauled him into an eager lap. Thighs around thighs. Ass on knees, then raised as he followed Mike to fall back against the couch, bodies flush. Hips slotted together, hot and hard and unacknowledged save for the sudden, jarring sound of a moan. Mike had groaned low in his throat, and shuddered over how it felt against Will's tongue. High and breathy a moment later as Will pulled away to press his mouth and teeth against the side of Mike's neck as their hips rolled and then slowed.

Too much, all too much. Pulling away with a heavy, rapid heartbeat. Slower, drier kisses. And Will's hand now, shoved down his pants, tight between his sweaty skin and the taut fabric of his jeans and briefs. Pent up. No relief despite skin on skin.

Will pulled his pants off the rest of the way. Tan and tight - chosen on purpose for his date (it had been a date, a date, a date!) He knew how his ass looked in them. Mike noticed, too. Felt it up for only a moment as they'd sat thigh over thigh, chest to chest. Cock to cock, too, when he admitted what they'd done. Will's hand stroked himself tight at the thought.

He'd felt Mike against him for only for a moment, but it had been enough for Will now to moan softly into the pillow again as his hand pulled at his cock, slow and too dry. Didn't care. Wasn't the point. He was traversing a memory, using sensation to slow time, speed it up, imagine what could happen if they both hadn't gotten too nervous.

Mike had been hard. Mike didn't just like him, want to be with him, want to kiss him - he wanted him. He wanted to do things with him. His body liked it, liked him. Wanted to fuck him, whatever that really meant - and fuck, wasn't that a revelation all in itself? The way Mike's hands had felt on his waist. A perfect resting spot, made to hold him like that. Will turned onto his back and spread his legs, splayed and vulnerable as he jerked off, slicker now as he leaked all over himself. Still not perfect, but good enough.

He knew how it would go, how he wanted it. Was that how Mike would want it, when they finally did get brave, find courage, have sex? Will, like this, like they'd been on the couch, with his legs wrapped around Mike as Mike's big hands held his waist, his hips, drove into him and guided him in time with his thrusts.

How would time feel as they made love? Too fast or too slow? Would it freeze? Would it matter? Will's hand sped up. Back arched, neck twisted as he writhed from the pleasure of it all, memory and hand and phantom kisses, cheek against the damp spot on his pillow where he'd mouthed and pretended he could taste Mike instead of the bitter flavor of the old pillowcase, fabric and old sweat and traces of shampoo and his own plain spit.

It was over suddenly, as words echoed around his brain. His orgasm caught him off guard as he conjured the ghost of Mike's mouth on his mouth, the bashful roll of his hips, and the sound of his groan and pretty words against his teeth.

"I like you so much, Will. So much. Could kiss you forever."

And Will had to live now, they both did. There was so much more he wanted to do, a door flung open, unleashing desires stashed inside a lifetime of want.

Will removed his sticky hand from his softening cock and rested his fingers in the mess on his stomach, tracing through pearly white patterns as it dripped into his navel and slid down his side. Unbothered. Out of breath. Smiling in disbelief that Mike was his, and he was Mike's.

He brought his clean hand to his mouth, curled a fist again, and kissed Mike good night. Mouthed his love into his own skin. Wondered if Mike was doing the same in his own bed, thinking of Will and how they couldn't lose each other again. Wanting. Knowing he could be getting it all, within reach.

No disappearing. Solid ground. They were going to make it.

Will had gotten a taste. Wanted more. A lifetime of thinking about never. Real was better. Real was kissing Mike forever. And everything else.

~❤️

[valerileygreen]

Sometimes I just get blown by how much of what Arthur does is motivated by his sense of protectiveness. Even more than his loyalty, though they go fairly hand in hand.

Loyalty means he would never sell or otherwise betray his teammates, nor abandon someone he considers a friend or a job/mission/goal he has already committed to. But protectiveness is his driving force, the real motive to all his hard work behind competitiveness and perfectionism, the thing that informs and shapes how his behaviour and choices during said job. And there are so many instances of it during the movie, how he readily and kindly checked on Ariadne's well-being and tried to reassure her after she was first killed by Mal; how he was the one who tested the new compounds; how he freaking flipped when Eames got shot at even while believing there was no actual danger (though that is symptom of other feelings too); how after all cards were on the table on that first level he immediately sprang up to action to defend the fort and everyone inside; and just about everything that happened in the hotel hallway, his concerned how do I drop you without gravity? and how carefully he handled his sleeping team.

I'm willing to bet, even if it was never shown, that he does all sorts of little things to make the jobs go as smooth as possible and make sure everyone is comfortable. Just look at the warehouse he found, spacious and with a lot of light and well furnished. And he's also very attuned to when the others are flagging and need a break, even though he's crap at following his own advice.

And yes, most of it can be ascribed to his role as a pointman, but I'd argue that it's this basic trait of his, this protectiveness, that drove him to fill in those shoes. It's an extremely important job, research and security, but it's certainly the less glamorous and the most fastidious. I imagine that in normal circumstances, with other teammates, while people would end up being grateful for his thoroughness at the end of a job well done, they would also kind of resent him during the planning stages as he always has questions and finds holes in their plans.

But he took it upon himself anyway. He chose it, preferring to have teammates a little frustrated with him but healthy and safe than the alternative, needing to provide that care for them - maybe because of past trauma when he couldn't protect someone and blamed himself, maybe because he's used to take care of others and actually likes it (the mom friend), maybe because he's just wired this way.

I actually headcanon that he sort of tailored the pointman role for himself, gave it a proper shape and definition, distinguishing it fromother roles, and then it took and spread as an 'official' role after the dreamshare community saw how much smoother things went without having to split research and security among the others.

And maybe he doesn't get to indulge often in other more creative areas of dreamshare even if he has the skill (I love the quite popular headcanon that Arthur makes a fine architect too but filling both roles is too demanding, at least on the bigger jobs we saw him performing), but though he sometimes misses it, it's worth it when the sight of everyone safe and sound puts such a relieved smile on his face.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Crush Symptoms

idea, but no pressure: Touch-starved analogical? Maybe a bit of hurt/comfort where they both think the other doesn’t like hugs/other touch, but really they just don’t know how to ask? love your work! – amateurmasksmith

I was wondering if you could do a fic with Virgil as the comforter, since he’s rarely in that role. I was thinking Logan starts working more and taking worse care of himself, and instead of processing his stress and feelings he holds the stress in his body, which combined with sitting more and shit is causing him physical pain, and Virgil, being anxiety, helps him relax and relieves the pain. No pressure tho lol I just thought it’d be interesting to see some physical comfort since you write mental comfort so well – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: chronic pain, not-actually unrequited love

Pairings: analogical

Word Count: 3306

Logan is aware that he is what some people might call 'standoffish.' This does not prevent him from developing quite the crush on Virgil. Now, if only he could find a way to talk about it that didn't involve having s mental breakdown...

Logan is aware that he is what some people might call 'standoffish.' He does not invite the same camaraderie that a few of the other Sides do, nor does he make himself approachable for things such as hugs or other forms of physical affection. By and large, he is content to remain this way, as it allows him to perform his duties and adhere to his schedule without being waylaid by those who will not be named that are quite fond of occupying laps or other physical spaces as would a particularly affectionate pet. That is, offended by any sort of dislodging or movement that impedes their ability to use him as a pillow.

Now, this does not mean that he is averse to offering physical affection, far from it. If Patton is in need of a hug, or if Roman insists on sweeping them all into some form of ballroom dance, he will oblige. Firstly because often it is no hardship, secondly because if it is a hardship, complying usually gets it over with a little quicker. However, there are certain forms that he resists wholeheartedly, namely being tackled onto the nearest surface, soft or otherwise. He has several bruises from the trial and error period of figuring out how best to avoid such circumstances.

While this serves him perfectly well the majority of the time, he would be remiss in his conclusions to say that it works out all the time. He is still human, metaphysical or otherwise, and as such, is subject to the same things that all humans are when it comes to his health. He must still endeavor to eat relatively healthily, he must get an adequate amount of sleep, and yes, he must socialize. This can typically be achieved by attending the 'family dinners,' as Patton is fond of calling them, regularly scheduling movie nights for everyone, and partaking in whatever events the twins conjure in the Imagination for them to enjoy. Recently, however, he's been noticing something amiss.

He's begun to get quite cold. At first, he ascribed it to the changing seasons; despite the fact that Thomas lives in Florida, the coming of the winter months is accompanied by some decrease in average temperature. It made sense, then, that he would be colder if it were colder outside. However, the general feeling of the Mindscape did not alter significantly, nor did adding sweaters or cardigans make any sort of meaningful difference. He tried switching his water intake with hot tea, keeping a blanket on hand to drape over his lap when he worked, even trying to make his room warmer using a few extra heat lamps Janus deemed insufficient. Nothing worked, in fact it made it worse. Now he felt both too warm and too cold at the same time, which was endlessly perplexing. How could he be sweating and still feel cold?

It became clear this was not a typical issue of temperature. There is something else at work here, clearly, that is giving him the sensation of being cold without the physical symptoms present. Perhaps some sort of latent emotional response due to something happening in Thomas's life. But as much as he tries to investigate that avenue, he fails to find anything significant enough to warrant this sudden feeling. None of the others imply that anything's wrong, Thomas isn't undergoing any significant struggle, and even checking in on the status of his own work fails to result in anything useful.

The last option, then, is that the problem is entirely internal.

At first, the conclusion makes Logan scoff. What could he be doing or not doing that would result in him feeling cold? He was maintaining his physical fitness, his general health, even his social requirements. He'd just come from movie night, after all, where all of them ended up on one of the large mattresses the twins could summon, huddled under blankets while some generic action movie played on the TV. He hadn't felt cold during that, had he?

Logan sits down at his desk, fingers steepled in concentration. He closes his eyes, trying to remember how he felt a few minutes ago. He'd been sitting with his back against the couch, yes, with Roman and Remus cuddled up near the edge of the mattress as Janus quietly explained to Patton what was going on. Virgil had been on the other side, twisting his hoodie strings back and forth as he watched. Logan hadn't been cold, how could he have been, what with the twins acting as space heaters under the blankets? The only time that he had even approached getting cold had been when Remus got up to use the bathroom, pushing his way through the pile of them and the blanket had flipped up. Virgil had leaned forward to pull it back down and brushed against Logan's arm.

Logan blinks.

Virgil's arm had been warm. Distressingly so. As though someone had taken a hot water bottle and pressed it against him. It had lasted barely a second, as Virgil had quickly pulled away with a muttered apology. But that is, to date, the only memory Logan has of actually feeling warm instead of cold.

Glancing at the clock, he sighs and opens his laptop, quickly typing something in and adjusting his glasses. The cold feeling reemerges as he reads, one hand unconsciously going to the front of his chest as he takes in the words on the screen. He amends his conclusion about what's going on both too quickly and too slowly.

He's touch starved.

Had someone brought up the possibility even an hour earlier, he would have scoffed. He wasn't the type of person to become touch starved. He had all the options for physical affection he would want, how could he be touch starved? His role didn't give him any sort of predisposition to it either, that was reserved for Patton, Roman, Remus, even Janus. Logic, touch starved? The very notion was preposterous.

And yet, once you have eliminated the impossible…

He closes the laptop again and sits back, the hand still on his chest now feeling woefully inadequate. There are solutions to this problem, obviously, his disbelief at its existence signifies as such. He would be able to receive assistance from at least three Sides if he went to them right this moment and informed them of his predicament.

He sits in the chair, unmoving.

Patton would baby him. Treat him as though he were a child, someone to be smothered and cooed at, perhaps even forbid him from being on his own for a while until it was solved. That in and of itself might have the complete opposite effect and make him resent the idea of touch altogether.

Remus would be more aggressive. He might be wrestled down and held until Remus deemed it alright to let him up, which wouldn't be for a considerable amount of time. Besides, he's seen Remus's choice of affection and he's not sure such treatment would work to resolve the problem.

Janus would tease him. Or at the very least, hold it over his head in some way, no matter how innocent or playful it would be, in exchange for his help. He's embarrassed enough as it is, he can only imagine that having to watch Janus smirk and chuckle at him as he tried—badly, because that is all he can do at the moment—to make himself ask for physical comfort.

Roman…might be alright. Out of all of the Sides, Roman is perhaps the only one who Logan can actually imagine struggling with touch starvation. Roman would understand and probably wouldn't hold it over him in any way, or make him uncomfortable about it. He would understand the severity of the situation and the significance of Logan coming to him for help, but…but…

But if Logan is being very honest with himself in this moment, there is only one Side he truly wants to go to and ask for help, and it isn't Roman.

He gets up then, going to the bathroom to finish his nighttime routine, turning off the light and settling into bed. He sets his glasses on the side table and turns over. After a moment, he takes one of the spare pillows and tucks it against his chest. If he closes his eyes, he can attempt to imagine someone else here.

His crush on Virgil is an open secret between him and Roman at this point. Ironically enough, it was one of the first things that solidified this new friendship between them. Roman wouldn't betray his trust, he knows, nor would he actually bother him about it if he knew it was causing him this much distress. Sure, he'd coaxed Logan into doing one of those horrifically cliched rants about how much he liked Virgil once or twice under the justification that it was better to get it out in some way before it spilled out uncontrollably, but other than that, he left it alone. Which was excellent, because then there's a smaller chance that Virgil will find out, but also, that almost definitely rules out going to Roman for any sort of help.

Because Roman is, contrary to Logan's insistence, quite sensible, and he will no doubt suggest that Logan go and actually talk to Virgil.

Even the thought crossing his mind is enough to make him scoff again, burying his face in the pillow. Virgil is not one for physical affection either, which renders the entire solution pointless. If by some miracle he actually accepted Logan's affections—he does not dare give himself the hope that Virgil would return them—that was no guarantee that anything beneficial would become of it. He would simply have to deal with this on his own, or find some way to achieve a solution that would stem the worst of it until he thought of something better.

The cold feeling in his chest spreads a little bit as he falls asleep.

He does not, in fact, succeed at doing either of these things. Instead, he decides that the best way to avoid dealing with this problem is to devote himself to his projects, reasoning that if he has less brain space to worry about it and dwell on his inability to resolve it, it will become less of a problem. In doing so, he forgets three key things: one, you cannot reason or think your way out of being in pain, two, ignoring a problem does not make it go away, and three, ignoring this particular problem makes it much worse.

Much, much worse.

The first time he tries to get up and has to wince at the pull in his shoulders, he doesn't think anything of it. Perhaps he was sitting for too long. He rolls them a few times to stretch them out and continues about his day as though nothing's gone wrong.

The first time he gets up and has to immediately sit back down, he has the thought of reaching for his water bottle and a snack. He looks at the clock and realizes he's been working far longer than he anticipated. Perhaps that was it, just losing track of time.

The first time he wakes up and every single muscle in his body aches, he knows he's gone too far.

He has half a mind to scold himself the way he does the twins for neglecting his physical health in favor of his work, but just as soon as the thought crosses his mind, another pushes itself to the forefront. The physical manifestation of stress has not only caused him to become virtually immobile, but it has a high likelihood of directly alerting the one person Logan would really rather not know about any of this.

A dread that is instantly realized when he feels something soft and warm brushing his hair back from his face.

"Hey, L? L, can you hear me?"

"Virgil?"

"Yeah, it's me." He must be imagining the relief in Virgil's voice, why else would he sound like that? "Sorry to come in without asking, but it seems like you're really not having a good time right now."

He manages to pry his eyes open and sure enough, there is Virgil, looking down at him with concern written plainly across his face. He swallows and his throat protests. Virgil seems to take that as an answer.

"I think you've overworked yourself a bit," he says in that soft way that isn't teasing, not really, but enough to make Logan flush, "can I help you figure out something else?"

"Like what?"

"You're in pain right now, yeah? Shh, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like a bad thing—I mean, it's a bad thing you're in pain, but I'm here to help you not be in pain, not make fun of you for being in pain."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize for reacting like you're hurt when you are." His hand cards through Logan's hair again and he has to bite his lip at how warm the touch is. "Can I help, though? I know a bit about making this sort of pain go away."

This is a bad idea. This is in fact a terrible idea. This is not something Logan should agree too.

"Okay," Virgil says, when Logan nods because of course he does, why should he stop making bad decisions now, "here's what we're gonna do, okay? I'm guessing there's a lot of pain just sort of in your limbs, am I right?"

"Yes."

"Got it. I'm gonna start stretching them out, okay? You let me know if anything hurts too much and I'll stop right away."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna start with your arm." Virgil's hands are so warm and solid on his arm that he almost bites back a whine. "That okay? Not hurting too much?"

"N-no."

"Okay. Let me know if that changes."

He starts lifting and rotating Logan's arm, bending and straightening it and massaging the tender skin. Some part in the back of Logan's brain recognizes he's trying to restore regular blood flow and a decent range of movement, but the rest of him is currently swallowed in the dry warmth of Virgil's touch. He lays that arm down after a while and moves to the other one. But this has him leaning over Logan with his shadow falling across Logan's face and he can't stop the slight rush of breath that escapes him.

"Hey," comes the gentle voice and that isn't helping matters at all, "hey, what's wrong, bud? You doing okay? Am I being too much?"

"No," he says far too quickly, "no, you're…you're fine."

A bemused smile comes to his face and he nods, continuing to work on the other arm. Logan's torn between letting his eyes fall shut to enjoy the sensation of just someone else touching him and keeping them open so as not to miss a second. Virgil seems mostly oblivious to his dilemma, patiently working his way up and down the arm until he lays it flat once more. He sits back on his haunches, a hand resting on Logan's knee. Even through the covers, the touch burns.

"How're your legs doing, bud? They hurt too?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I'm gonna need to take the covers off so I can see 'em, is that okay?" Logan nods, but as soon as the cool air hits him, the swelling sensation in his chest buckles and he's gasping for air in the next second. "Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, shh, shh, L, it's okay, look, there, the blanket's all back, see? Shh, it's okay, you're okay."

"Sorry," Logan gasps out, "sorry, I'm so sorry."

Virgil shuffles closer, a furrow between his eyebrows. "You've got nothing to apologize for, L, I mean it. I'm here to help, okay? If something I'm doing isn't helping, then you tell me and I stop it. That's what you did, you're doing great."

"N-no, I'm sorry you—you have to help me like—help me like this."

"Like what?"

"You have to—to touch me."

Virgil goes quiet. Logan squeezes his eyes shut and waits for the telltale noise of sinking out. Instead, he almost loses his entire composure when a hand gently cups his cheek.

"Logan," comes the voice, soft, too soft, too sweet, "open your eyes, look at me, sweetheart."

Oh, no. Not the pet names. Literally anything but that.

But Logan is weak and already doing what Virgil asked. The thumb brushing his cheek does make him want to shut his eyes again, because this cannot be real, but Virgil is smiling at him.

"I don't mind touching you," he murmurs, "that's not a hardship for me. Is it that you don't like being touched? Is that the problem?"

"You…" None of his brain wants to work so long as that hand is on his face. "Can't think."

The hand leaves and the cold makes him whimper. Virgil's hand touches his knee again. He blinks.

"You don't like being touched."

"What makes you think that?" Logan just stares at him. "Just because I don't like being tackled by Remus doesn't mean I don't like being touched."

"O-oh."

"Besides, if it were you, I don't think I'd have any problem with it at all." Virgil chuckles when a flush decides that now is the perfect time to spread all over Logan's face. "Wow, okay, I wasn't expecting that."

"You—you—what?"

He leans forward, both hands reaching this time, and they fit gently around the curve of Logan's neck. The rush of warmth is staggering, not helped at all by Virgil's soft voice still murmuring to him. "I thought you didn't like to be touched, sweetheart, that's it. I'm happy to help you, I promise. And Princey's definitely gonna tease the hell out of me when he hears about this."

"Wait, why?"

"Because he knows about the big fat crush I have on you and if he could see me right now…" Virgil trails off when he notices Logan's eyes brimming with tears. "Hey, hey, sweetheart, don't cry, I'm sorry, that was too much to dump on you right now, here, let me help you with your legs and you can—"

Logan doesn't let him finish, surging forward to clumsily press his mouth to Virgil's. The hands cradling his face stutter and for a moment, he thinks he's made the worst mistake of his life, but then Virgil sighs and kisses him back like it's the only thing he wants to do.

"Well," he says softly when they break apart, "I think Princey's gonna be teasing both of us, then?"

"Probably."

Virgil chuckles and rubs their noses together. "How about this, then: let me help stretch your legs out, get you some painkillers, then we'll cuddle in bed and not worry about how smug Princey's gonna be until later?"

"That sounds perfectly adequate."

"'Perfectly adequate,' alright, I can work with that."

Roman does indeed end up being very smug, but he's quietly smug about it, which Logan will take as a win.

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[burins]

Hi! I need the director's cut for "get out before the drop" please!

oh MAN. thank you for asking about get out before the drop! the jaydick topdrop fic is one of my favorite things I've written. i've been a little reluctant to talk about my jaydick fics because part of me was worried i was going to get death threats in my inbox and i got enough of that at work. but fuck it! i'm very proud of those fics- I think they're some of my best characterization work.

i wrote the bulk of get out before the drop on my phone at 2 AM after waking up in the middle of the night (like all the best fics: while slightly possessed.) like everything i write it's about bodies, but it's also about identity and boundaries and how your own understanding of those can smash up against someone else's. i say that not because i generally set out to write fics that are capital A About Things, this isn't an episode of degrassi, but it's kind of obvious what themes I had rattling around in the trunk.

continuing the rest of this below the cut (including discussion of consent and sexual assault)

obviously it's also a fic about consent. I said this in a few comments but I think fandom often sticks to one kind of story about consent-- which i absolutely understand. your standard rape recovery fic is a very cathartic story for many, many people! but in real life your partner is not a perfect fuck machine who dispenses sex in exactly the way you want it, in part because they are a human being and not a mind-reader. but also in part because for anyone, but particularly for survivors, it is often difficult to tell the difference between "this is uncomfortable but in a good and healing way" and "oh god i gotta eject." and that's no one's fault! learning to listen to your body again after ignoring its signals for a long time is hard, and it sucks, and sometimes you learn where your boundaries are by whacking right up against them.

that's all general; in particular i wanted to write that kind of story for dick and jason, who are two people who have lost control of their bodies innumerable times and in incredibly dramatic ways. i think that has got to fuck with your head unbelievably! i think dick in particular is extremely used to pushing through physical discomfort to get what he wants to achieve, whether that's a mission objective or a training goal or emotional closeness. he's been doing it since he was a kid on the aerial bars! he started out ignoring his body way before the multiple on-page sexual assaults that DC doesn't want to acknowledge as sexual assaults. and also all of the mind control, of which there is so much that i wrote a whole other fic about it.

jason, on the other hand, I think is someone who tells himself one story: he has very carefully forged his body into exactly what he wants it to be, which is a weapon. and he is determinedly not thinking about the ways in which he has had absolutely no control over his body (his death, his resurrection, the pit-related changes.) the story Jason tells himself is actually quite similar to the one Dick is clinging to, which is another reason I love to write about them.

a side note: I'm of the school that doesn't ascribe to long term pit madness. I think Jason comes out of the pit a little crazy in ways that have everything to do with profound trauma and very little to do with supernatural whammies. he makes his own choices immediately after coming back and they are bad ones. I think taking that agency from him makes the story much less satisfying and much less tragic. and there's plenty of other ways he loses agency! he died!

all of this was rattling around my head while I was writing. but then I had to actually end the fic. which I struggled with! I was worried the ending - where Dick says alright, let's go again, redo - would come off too pat. but I also didn't want to fall into the trap of making dick a weeping damsel. (fandom's general desire to make dick grayson experience misogyny could be an essay in its own right.) and ultimately I'm happy with where I ended it! it is almost certainly a bad idea for them to jump right back into sex after both of them had panic attacks. and what is jaydick but not a bunch of bad ideas that somehow end up working out.

this post is so long. I didn't even get into the identity stuff, but I feel like that is much more on the surface of the fic and I kind of said what I wanted to say in the fic itself. thank you for asking!

director's commentary meme!

[actual-changeling]

david tennant and michael sheen are perfect as aziraphale and crowley, and i am incredibly happy that they love the show, the characters, and each other.

however.

as michael himself has said on numerous occasions, his personality often flows into azirapahle and the other way around, meaning that people take how he behaves with david and ascribe the characteristics of their relationship to aziraphale and crowley's relationship.

aziraphale is not a good person by any means, he behaves horribly towards crowley, is emotionally immature, and so selfish it's way beyond usual egocentricity.

it is all RIGHT THERE on screen, we are shown and told over and over again how unbalanced their relationship is and how much he hurts crowley.

people either cannot or refuse to see it because they project not only their own feelings & behaviour on aziraphale but also david's and michael's relationship dynamic onto the characters.

if aziraphale were played by literally anyone else, there wouldn't be such a big lack of media literacy and overabundance of ignorance in regards to his character.

[afk-n-shit]

"You'll take care of them, won't you?"

Merlin had warned everyone upon arrival that this part of the house didn't often host visitors. Mostly private workshops and laboratories, they'd said, and they hadn't been lying-- they never lie, not really, strategic omission of the truth is far more their style-- but they also hadn't said this wing of the house was off limits, and for Valen that's practically permission.

"Of course I will. Do you even really need to ask?"

Hogan's stern tone is unmistakable, so the new, breathy voice must be one of Merlin's many disguises. Valen doesn't stop suddenly, but he lets his otherwise careless footsteps slowly quiet, slows his breathing and his heart until he can lean soundlessly against the wall next to the door.

"Usually I wouldn't, no. But after everything..."

"You worry."

There's a hum, musical, even with the weight behind it. Valen can see it in his mind's eye, because Merlin and Hogan always stand too close even in polite company. In private they're no doubt propped up against each other, maybe even with Merlin's head on Hogan's shoulder.

"They're just..."

"Children?" Hogan offers with a laugh. Merlin scoffs, and a delicate hand smacks Hogan's big chest.

"Young, I was going to say young, you insufferable--" Merlin sighs, and it's. It's so many things, exasperated and fond and exhausted and hopeful and despairing. "I had hoped-- we made mistakes, but I had hoped--"

"We did what we thought was right--"

"Maybe at first. Everything that came after? Is... Debatable."

Valen frowns. He's always hated having to patch context together, but this feels more important than any spy mission or idle information gathering. He knows that Merlin and Hogan are old as balls, Merlin is older than the gods are dead, there's so much they don't even need to say to one another. And Valen is smart, he's good at this, as much as he hates it. But he thinks of Merlin, aglow with golden power, of dark berries sapping magic from seals and the grief on Merlin's face as they reinforced the Seal over Ryeham and he thinks, I'm missing something.

"It isn't like you to doubt so," Hogan says, soft and gentle and all the things Valen wouldn't ascribe to his Captain, and Merlin's chuckle is airy and heavy.

"It's not every day one has to piece their memories together from bits and scraps, you know. All these old feelings..."

"And old regrets, yes yes..."

Valen'd have to be deaf, maybe, or concussed beyond measure, to miss the sound that comes next-- wet and soft and slightly smacking-- and, really, he doesn't know why it surprises him so. But it makes him jump nearly out of his skin, and its luck that he does not bang his head loudly against the wall behind him, though his heel does scrap against the floor as he finds the purchase to scramble away before he hears anymore. Because he knew-- knows-- logically, through rumor and watching them interact, that Hogan and Merlin were-- are... close.

But there had also been-- been a hand on his elbow and a soft, fond smile, been indulgent attention whenever Valen dragged them around to show them this or that and very real concern when Valen had taken blows and

By the time he makes it back to his room his heart it bleeding in his chest, and he can't rightly lie to himself as to why.

[fanfic-obsessed]

In Clones we trust

After Melida/Daan, Obi Wan learned to distrust the Healers. His time with the Young had left him distrustful of adults in general, but then several of the temple bound healer trainees react badly to the scars he earned in various battles (in their defense much of the reactions was horror at scars that should have been easily treated, Obi Wan simply ascribed the worst possible meaning to their reactions). This is compounded when, over the course of decades, almost all the healers found time to lecture Obi Wan on his self care habits (of which he has none), but without actually giving him any support to figure out what healthy habits are (Look, Obi Wan hasn’t felt safe to fall fully into sleep since he was in the sewers with Cerasi and Nield to watch his back. Telling him to get more sleep is true but not helpful).

Then the Clone Wars arrived.  Obi Wan was handed a Battalion. At the first available opportunity the head medic, Med, makes a point to sit down with Obi Wan. He knows that the Force gives his General the ability to do things that Med would consider insane and impossible.  He wants to get a baseline so that can make sure he can treat Obi Wan correctly.  And Obi Wan may not trust healers, but Medics were different.  Med gets his scans. It helps that Obi Wan quickly learned to trust the troopers, his men.

Med talks to Obi Wan about what exactly he can use the Force for, what he can heal in himself. When it would be realistic for Med to step in. What the effects of various types of suppressants would be with Obi Wan using the Force to take care of basic needs and what to do if he gets dosed.  Because Med’s every step focused on what Obi Wan’s reality actually is instead of what he wanted it to be, Obi Wan is much more likely to go to Medical and let himself be treated. 

Sometime later he sits down with Obi Wan, and Cody (with Obi Wan’s permission), and briefly goes over what Cortisol, the stress hormone is, what it does to a body in the long term, and healthy vs unhealthy levels.  He shows Obi Wan his cortisol level, which is in dangerously high territory, even with the Force.  Med goes, “In a perfect world I would want your numbers to be a quarter what it is, but in a perfect world I wouldn't be patching my brothers to go back to battle.” and “Based on the scans we’ve taken if you can get two more hours of sleep per week, your cortisol levels should drop below the extremely damaging point. If you can do that and get one more hour of something you find relaxing every three days it should drop those levels into a high healthy.”

This, more than anything, was something Obi Wan had not been given by the healers. The temple healers focused on getting someone healthy, but often got too caught up in how to heal to think about what the patient thinks healthy should look like.  And Obi Wan might not know how to get something as nebulous as ‘more sleep’, but something concrete such as two more hours of sleep per week is a goal he can accomplish (It made him want to try ).