#that feeling when you also just have to pretend to accept their advice and move on because people get so upset when you dont take it

[autisticlee]

that feeling when you get advice from someone who you know is well-meaning and has good intentions....but it's just the most allistic, neurotypical, and/or abled advice you have ever heard and completely invalidates the point you're trying to make about why you struggle to do the thing in the first place.

they're telling you to "do it in this specific way that is completely opposite of how you physically/mentally work" for example, make eye contact/read people's facial expressions and intentions! but you're autistic. initiate verbal conversation and don't be shy! but you're nonverbal or semispeaking. get out of the house more and participate in these physical activities! but you're physically disabled. Just Be Yourself! but you have DID/OSDD/other personality disorder. etc.

i'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help. I appreciate it, really. but it's all things i've heard before and none of it helps me specifically. I have tried (maybe even still try out of habit) and learned I can't just do those things. they don't work for me or cause more issues. practice isn't the issue. not everyone can simply willpower through everything. but thanks for trying 😔✊️

[starflirts]

1 STEP FORWARD, 3 STEPS BACK

friends and feelings don’t really go well together, do they ? percy jackson x aphrodite fem! reader, wc: 6.2k, note: IT’S FINALLY HERE!! THE LONG AWAITED PIECE!! i’d like to apologize for putting this out so late but you guys have been so so patient and i’d never thank you enough for that !!!!<3 please enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!! (i did add my own twist to the tartarus fall for the sake of the story… sorry not sorry!)

Wherever Annabeth strayed, Percy followed. It was common knowledge at camp Half-Blood. Everyone could see how hearts seemed to float around the boy’s head whenever Athena’s daughter was around. 

You knew this too. And every time Percy’s pining became too obvious, you’d turn your head and swallow the bitter taste of jealousy coming up your throat.  

You’ve liked Percy ever since you were thirteen, when he was just starting to grow taller than you and when he made you double over with laughter at the jokes his step-dad told him. 

But Percy’s liked Annabeth ever since he was thirteen, when he held the world for her and when he desperately wished she wouldn’t join Artemis’ hunters. 

And the whole camp bet on when Percy would make the first move while you were left alone with envy simmering in your veins and the sting of a heartache.

Still, you couldn’t bring yourself to push him away from your life. His bright smile and his curls always made you wonder if he hadn’t been carved by Apollo himself. 

Percy has been your friend ever since your arrival at camp. But you’ve also wished he’d be more than that. 

It doesn’t really come as a surprise when the son of Poseidon comes to you for advice. You should shut him out and pretend you don’t understand what he’s about to ask, but your mother wouldn’t approve of one her own getting in the way of love. So you let it happen. 

“I need your help with something…” are his first words as he stands against the doorway of the Aphrodite cabin. There’s only you and a few of your other siblings inside and instantly, all eyes are on him. 

You know what he’s about to ask. You look down, resuming your work on your sister’s hair. “I’m busy Percy. Can you come back later ?”

You don’t look at him but you hear him sigh. “It’s…um… pretty important ? I mean… I’m asking you because I know you’re an expert in the love department, obviously and you’re the only one who can actually help.” 

“Fine, come in. But don’t touch my bows! You messed them up last time and I spent forever untangling them.” You smile as you finish little Carla’s hair, while Percy’s hands stir away from your collection.  

Once the younger Aphrodite kids were shooed away, you stood up from your spot on the bed, leading Percy outside to the porch. Leaning against the wooden railing you turn your head, studying the crease of his brows and the way his hair seems messier, as if he’d run his hands through it one too many times. 

“So ? What do you need me for ? Are you trying to escape kitchen duties again ?” you tease, and he tilts his head, wincing.

“Come on, that was one time… I need your help for something else. Something important” you can see the gears turn in his mind so you egg him on. 

“Spit it out Percy ! I’m becoming way too curious.”

This time he turns his entire body to face you. He takes a deep breath and starts. “Can you pretend to be my girlfriend so I can make Annabeth jealous ?”

Silence. You wonder if he just heard the sound of your heart shattering.

“Are you sure this is a good idea…?” 

Percy nods. “Maybe she’ll see us together and realize that she actually likes me. She knows we’ve been friends for a while so it won’t be too surprising, will it ?”

You shrug, turning your gaze to the other campers prancing around the other cabins. Part of you wants to say no, to avoid yearning for something that’s not real. But there’s this tiny other part of you screaming to accept the offer, to bask in the experience of something that might never happen again. Facing him again with a smile, you find him already staring at you expectantly. 

“What do I get from all of this ?” you tease, gesturing between the two of you. 

“My eternal love and gratitude of course !” he laughs as you shove him playfully. 

“Okay okay I’ll help you. That’s what friends are for, right ?”

He breathes out, obviously relieved. “Thank you so much ! I owe you one !” he tells you before pulling you into a hug. 

The moment you hug him back, you realize the situation you got yourself into. Percy pulls away and starts walking backwards toward the sword training area. “I have to go right now or Mr D is going to be mad and I don’t want to be on stable duty tonight!  " he chuckles, but stay awhile after dinner and we’ll set up a plan alright ?”  

You salute him jokingly. “Will do, sir !” 

At dinner, your eyes flicker between your half empty plate and Percy, heartily laughing away with the Stoll brothers. Feeling someone softly nudging your shoulder, you divert your attention to Drew, looking at you with slight concern.��

“You okay ? You’ve been staring at your plate forever.”

“Yeah yeah, just a little tired is all !” you manage a small smile. She nods before resuming her conversation. 

Once everyone’s done, all of your siblings scuttle back to cabin 10 while you linger around the amphitheater, remembering Percy’s words. 

There’s a whisper of your name coming from behind and you whip around just in time to see Percy jogging towards you. 

“Thought you’d never come !” you tease

Your friend jokingly rolls his eyes before taking your wrist, guiding you towards the lake. “I wasn’t gifted with punctuality I know, I know no need to rub it in… Now come, we have a plan to set up !”

The both of you are sitting on the shore, the lights of Sound Island catching your attention. Knees hiked to your chest, you stare at them until Percy clears his throat. 

“So… I was thinking…” he starts 

“Oh, nothing good can come out of that” you joke and he chuckles.

“Seriously though, if we need to make it work people shouldn’t think our ‘relationship’ comes out of nowhere. You know what I mean ?

You nod, eyes still lost in the distance. “We could tell people you asked me out last summer, before I went home and before you went back to New York. We could tell them we were long distance and decided to make it official this summer at camp.”

You can see Percy nodding enthusiastically from the corner of your eye. “Yes ! That’s a great idea ! I would've never come up with that so quickly.”

The air is quiet now, the both of you looking at the waves lapping at the shore. Until Percy breaks the silence again.

“Do… um… Do you think we should set up rules ? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, or break any boundaries… I don’t want things to get too awkward between us y’know ?” he rubs his neck, avoiding your eyes.

Turning to face him, you place a hand on his shoulder. “I know Percy, don’t worry. And you’re right, boundaries are essential in a relationship.”

“So… What should we do ? Or not for that matter ? You’re the relationship professional here, I’m all ears!”

The boy’s words put a small smile on your face, although you’re already starting to regret this ordeal.

“Well, we should definitely act ‘coupley’ in public. Hugs, hand holding and all that…” You’re about to continue the list when Percy interrupts you. “What about kissing ?”

You can feel your heart drop in your stomach. You should’ve seen this coming. Brows furrowed, you stared at the dark body of water in front of you. “Only for emergencies. The ‘no one believes we’re actually dating so we have to prove them by kissing each other’ kind of emergency. You get me ?”

Percy laughs at the idea. “I couldn’t have summed it up better. Emergencies only then.” There’s a moment of silence between the two of you while he toys with the rocks strewn around him before hearing him sigh. “D’you think it’s gonna work ? That she’s gonna notice me ?”

Mustering the nicest smile you could, you nodded. “Maybe our plan will serve as a little push for her to make the first move. There’s no way she doesn’t like you back. And I'm saying this as a daughter of Aphrodite.” your words elicit a chuckle from the boy next to you. You’re glad to see that he seems a bit relieved by your affirmation, the same you wished someone told you. 

Stretching his arms above his head while stifling a yawn, Percy stands up. “Alright, I’m gonna go to bed, you coming with me ?”

Looking up at him, you shake your head. “Think i’m gonna stay out there a little longer, the air’s nice.”

The boy nods. “Alright. I’ll pick you up from your cabin tomorrow morning so don’t sleep in too long ! Otherwise Silena might just drown me with questions and whatnot.” he winks

You giggle. “Don’t worry about that Perce. Good night, I’ll see you tomorrow.” he smiles at you, pinching your ear as was his way of saying goodbye for the past few years before jogging up the hill. 

You’re awoken the next day by Carla and Jamie, the two kids fervently shaking your shoulders all the while loudly whispering your name.

“Percy’s here! He says he came to pick you up! Is he your boyfriend ?”

The sleepy state you’re in makes it hard to catch up with their excitement so early in the morning. That’s until you actually hear Percy’s voice alongside Silena’s.

Silena. You shoot up from your bed, rushing to save the boy from your cabin counselor’s inquiries. 

Emerging from your cabin while adjusting a slightly rumpled shirt, you catch Percy’s eyes, silently begging for help. You can’t see Silena’s face but judging by Percy’s attitude, she might’ve been asking one too many questions. 

“Percy ! Hi ! I didn’t know you were going to pick me up this morning !” you loop your arm around his, a big smile plastered on your face as you wave to your older sister. 

He looks back at you with a smile, obviously relieved by your sudden appearance.

“Had to pick up my girl.” he says with a smile, eyes shifting between you and Silena’s questioning stare. You dismissively wave a hand, a way to tell her you’ll explain later. 

“I swear she was going to annihilate me! She kept asking me why I came to pick you up and why now !” Percy kept talking your ear off about how scary Silena was on your way to breakfast. 

“She might seem… intrusive at times, but she means well ! Silena always cared for her younger siblings. And you’re definitely in her books so I don’t think she hates you, not until you actually hurt me though…” you tell him, eyes crinkling with amusement when you see his face pale. 

You noticed that your arm was still looped with Percy’s. And you liked it. It felt natural, almost real. As you approached Aphrodite’s table, Percy slowed his pace. He slightly turned towards you with wide eyes.

“Annabeth is here ! And she’s looking at us ! What do we do ?”

Shifting as discreetly as possible, you notice the girl looking in your direction, eyebrow raised and a small smile on her face. Turning back to Percy, you shrug.

“Say goodbye, the way you would say goodbye to your girlfriend.” 

Percy doesn’t need to be told twice. Almost mechanically, he pulls you closer, tugging you to his chest and slightly bending down to press a kiss on your cheek. “I’ll see you later” he whispers before moving away, leaving you at your table full of overexcited Aphrodite kids. 

You didn’t see Percy until later in the afternoon at the climbing wall. Yet the kiss he’d given you before breakfast was burning your cheek, as if his lips had been scalding hot iron. Part of you thought this was a fever dream, that you’d wake up in your bed with Percy’s heart still out of reach. But every camper coming to congratulate you and ask questions about your relationship with the son of Poseidon served as a harsh reminder of the predicament you were in.

It was a very hot morning when Luke decided to take the younger kids for a swim in the lake, asking you and Percy to tag along. The two of you were supervising a group of Hermes kids, Percy playing with them while you watched the scene from the dock, feet dangling in the water. Lost in your thoughts and lulled by the sunlight, you didn’t notice Percy swimming up to you until he pulled you in the water. You emerged with a laugh, hanging onto Percy’s shoulders, all the kids around you tossing water and giggling. He didn’t let you go and you’re suddenly hyper aware of the proximity you share and of his hands on your waist. The kids' incessant cheering doesn’t falter.

“Kiss your girlfriend Percy! That’s what good boyfriends do after pulling their girlfriends in the water!” the older kids teased.

“C’mon guys…” he let out a nervous laugh. But the kids didn't stop.

“Percy and Y/N, swimming in the water, K I S S I N G!”

“That’s not even the correct lyrics !” he argued, to no avail. 

Percy then stared at you and you nodded, heart hammering in your chest. He leaned in and you laced your arms around his neck, hands coming to play with his wet curls. The kiss was short and sweet and sent you over the edge. When you pulled back, you could feel the blood pumping in your ears. With flushed cheeks, Percy turned towards the group, shooing them towards the shore. “Okay alright that’s enough! It’s almost lunchtime, let's go!” 

As you got out of the water, shirt clinging to your body, Percy stood at the edge, hoodie in hand.

“Here. You can wear this instead.” he smiles and you gratefully accept the piece of clothing, reveling in the comfort of the material and in Percy’s scent.          

It was interesting to see how everyone seemed to gobble your story. In the span of a few weeks, you and Percy became the talk of the camp. Everyone wondered how, when and why it happened. During late evenings spent idling on the shore, Percy often praised your storytelling skills and the way the two of you managed to play pretend so efficiently. 

“Do you think it’s working ?” he asked one night, as the two of you were setting up the camp’s bonfire.

“Considering Annabeth seems to talk to you more than usual I’d say yes ? I can’t read her mind though.” you answer, placing the wood you picked up under your arm.

Percy nods, a small smile adorning his face. As he turns and leads the way towards the bonfire, you trail behind, lost in thought. Everything was going too well. So well that You had to remember almost every night that Percy wasn’t really your boyfriend. You knew that wishing he’d just change his mind would probably anger your mother but you didn’t care anymore. Although he was supposed to be yours in the eyes of everyone, you knew his heart belonged to someone else and you felt like an usurper. You considered putting an end to all of this, tell the truth to Annabeth and witness your biggest heartbreak come to life. 

Percy’s voice brings you back to earth: “you coming?” Picking up your pace, the two of you are quick to get back to the group, everyone cheering and hollering at your arrival.

“Got lost in the woods ?” Luke teases.

As you sit next to Percy, he wraps his arm around your shoulders, pulling you close. You almost melt into his touch before remembering your inner turmoil. He looks at you with a smile and you smile back, trying your best to conceal your sadness. As you turn to face the fire, he presses a fleeting kiss to your temple and it feels so real you almost want to burst into tears. 

You feel sick. His presence is suffocating and the voices in your head seem to get louder. You free yourself from his hold and stand up. His gaze is questioning and you shake your head.

“I’ll be back. I just— I need some air.” you whisper and he nods, watching your silhouette disappear in the shadows. 

Sitting against the trunk of a tree, your knees hiked against your chest and your face hidden in your hands, you fight the tears pooling in your eyes. Regret and embarrassment are flooding your mind, a breathless apology to your mother escapes your lips. 

All of a sudden, you hear a branch snap and you lift your head up. You brace yourself for the worst, fists clenching at the thought of Aphrodite herself coming to scold you. Yet the woods are too dark and there’s no sign of your godly parent. The rustle of leaves seems closer to you now and your heart beats faster. 

A whisper of your name makes you turn your head. To your left stood Annabeth, taking off her cap and putting it back in the pocket of her jeans. You let out a breath of relief you didn’t realize you were holding as you saw her sitting down opposite you. 

Annabeth is the first one to break the silence.

“I saw you at the bonfire. Wanted to know if you were okay since you didn’t want Percy to come with you.” 

You smile at her words and nod, fingers toying with blades of grass.

“I am, thanks. I just needed to get away for a bit. I was probably overwhelmed or something. Had a long day.” you laugh.

The girl in front of you fiddles with her necklace, brows furrowed and obviously trying to tell you something.

“Yeah figures, Percy told you about our quest didn’t he ? I tried to tell him it was too dangerous, you know ? He was just so determined to come with me, Nico and Will he didn’t listen to me. I know you two are practically glued at the hip so when I asked him if he was sure, he told me you’d probably do the same thing.” she smiles softly before continuing. “He trusts you as much as you trust him, you know. It’s not something you see everyday.”

Annabeth looks over expectantly, only to find you staring at a crumpled daisy in the palm of your hand and you’re pulled out of your trance by her voice calling your name.

“Oh yeah, no we talked about it briefly this afternoon. He told me you guys had to leave soon. You don’t know when you’ll be back do you ?” you ask in a small voice, faking a yawn to hide the tears at the corner of your eyes.

Your friend shakes her head before pulling you into a hug. 

“I’m gonna miss you, all of us will actually.” You tighten your embrace. “Me too, be safe out there.”

Annabeth pulls back with a small smile. “I’m gonna head back and let you join your lover boy.” You watch her as she puts her cap on, disappearing in the shadows. 

You don’t wait long before joining the rest of the campers, guided by the firelight and the giggles of the younger kids. As you make your way back to the fire, you notice Percy making a place for you. You walk on, blatantly ignoring his signs. 

No one else seems to notice what just happened. Puzzled, Percy stands up and follows your footsteps. You’re only a few meters away from your cabin when the boy grabs your wrist, turning you around to face him. The few lights around the cabins highlight the anger and sadness painted all over your face and you jerk your hand away. 

“When were you going to tell me ?” you ask, crossing your arms. 

His face falls. 

“I– I was going to! As soon as Chiron confirmed it, I promise ! I just– I couldn't find the proper way to announce it. I swear I didn’t want to leave you in the dark.” Percy sputters

You nod, averting your attention to anywhere else but the boy in front of you. You couldn’t bear to let him see how upset you were. He couldn’t see how his upcoming departure ripped your heart apart in a way it wasn’t supposed to at all. 

“Whatever. It’s not like you need me to make decisions right ? I’m just the stepping stone in your ‘how to get the girl tutorial’” you laugh bitterly 

Percy shakes his head.

“No, absolutely not. You’re my best friend and I care about you. So much. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I— I didn't think wisely but you have to know how important this quest is. Annabeth wanted you to come with her but I volunteered instead. I couldn’t let you go out there and get hurt. I’d never forgive myself if something ever happened to you.”

His words burn and you wipe your tears angrily. When you finally meet his eyes, you notice how soft his gaze is, and how sorry he seems. 

“Yeah right.” you point an accusatory finger at him. “Don’t you ever think that i’m going to help you with your little love games anymore. I’m done.” 

You didn’t let him reply. opting to turn around, you walk to your cabin. You spare him one last glance when you step on the porch. He stands still, hands in his pockets. 

“Look after Will and Nico, would you ? I trust Annabeth with my life but I wouldn’t bear to lose them because of you.” your words linger in the air and Percy winces, as if slapped by the meaning of your words.

He nods and you walk into your cabin, tears streaming down your face.

You don’t talk to Percy for the next few days, always finding excuses to avoid being in his vicinity and busying yourself with as many camp duties as you could take. You managed to escape him without anyone noticing the weird tension between the two of you. Yet Percy was desperately trying to talk to you, always searching your eyes during meals and attempting to follow you around to make amends. But you slipped through his fingers, never staying around him for more than a second.

When the day of the group’s departure finally came, you reluctantly stood next to Chiron. The whole camp came to the border to wish the group good luck, and you certainly weren’t going to let your friends go without sending them off with a proper goodbye. You ruffled Nico and Will’s hair, making them promise to send an Iris message whenever they needed to. Annabeth hugs you tightly and you wish her a safe journey. Percy follows, and he’s awkwardly shuffling on his feet, all the while the other campers wait for their favorite amusement. Although you’re upset and heartbroken, you still wish him the best. When you look up at him, you can still see the same apologetic gaze he gave you almost a week ago. 

You reach up reluctantly, lacing your arms around his neck. Under the scrutinizing gaze of your peers, you manage to press a feathery kiss on the corner of his mouth. While everyone cheers and celebrates the rest of the group as well, Percy’s hands find yours. 

“I’ll stay in touch, promise.” he squeezes your hand and you just nod, pursing your lips. There’s a beat of silence, his hand still holding yours. You’re the first one to pull back, crossing your arms and standing back. Percy takes this as his cue to leave. With one last glance at you, he adjusts the straps of his backpack and turns away, following the rest of the group while you watch them disappear through the fields.  

Ever since Annabeth and her partners left, your days at camp seemed to go by slower. Yet the occasional message of Apollo’s son, Will, always eager to update you on everyone and the quest made you look forward to what the day could bring. Ever since his arrival at camp Half-Blood, Will Solace has been like your little brother, always in your shadow. Every time his freckled face appeared through the mist, it was as if a weight was lifted off of your shoulders. Some days, he managed to drag Nico into view to say hi and during others, he almost had to tell Annabeth off for “hogging all his time with Y/N”. On the other hand, you managed to catch glimpses of Percy, whether he was in the background or coming in to greet you, asking how life at camp was. Conversations with him were short and you hoped the others didn’t notice the tension between the two of you that persisted even through a simple Iris message.

As the days went on, Will’s messages were rare, which was worrying. He’d usually call you once a week but your most recent conversation dated back two weeks already. One late afternoon, as you were supervising the archery class along with another camper from Apollo’s cabin, the frantic sound of hooves hitting the gravel path broke the kids’ focus. In a matter of seconds, Grover is right in front of you, panting. 

“Chiron wants to see you… now.” 

Feeling your stomach tighten in anguish, you rush to your beloved activities director, only to find him animatedly talking to someone via Iris message.

To Will Solace. 

Although he’s on the other side of the country, he notices you first and agitatedly calls out your name, prompting Chiron to turn around.

“I’ll let the two of you be. There’s something important you both need to discuss.” Chiron solemnly announces before retiring, prompting you to rush to the boy. 

“Will ! Thank gods ! Are you okay ? What’s going on ? Is everything alright ?” 

Will lets you ask all the questions you could think of and your heart clenches at the sight of his bruised face and his torn clothes.

“I’m okay.. Nico and I are okay.” he breathes and you answer with anguish. “What’s happening ? Why– Where’s Annabeth ? Where’s Percy ?”

At the mention of the older two, Will’s face contorts in an expression you can’t discern and your face falls.

“Annabeth tripped and fell. Percy rushed to help her but he couldn’t pull her up nor himself.” The boy swallows. “So he told Nico and I to join the rest of our crew, you know, the ones from the Argo II, the ones I told you about ?” You nod and he resumes his story. “I— I thought he wanted them to help him pull him and Annabeth up but he… He let go and they both fell. They fell into Tartarus.”

The room around you was spinning. You sat in the nearest chair and brought a shaky hand to your lips. Will was still talking but the ringing in your ears was too overwhelming for you to hear anything. 

After regaining composure as best as you could, Will explained how the rest of their quest was supposed to go. You were unable to utter a single word, the shocking news weighing heavy on your heart. He ended the call with a promise to come back to camp safely. As soon as you were alone in the room, you keeled on yourself, choking out tears. 

Will’s words still echoed in your mind more than a week after that fateful call, especially when word got out that Annabeth and Percy, Y/N’s Percy, fell into Tartarus. Your days were tiresome and your nights full of nightmares. More often than not, you found yourself awoken by one of your siblings in the middle of the night, their hands on your shoulders prompting you to calm down. Pitiful stares from other campers weren’t spared either, and you could feel everyone’s eyes on your back almost everyday, already grieving the loss of two people that meant the world to you.  

But you tried to keep face. Every piece of meal you scraped into the campfire was a silent prayer to your mother to keep your friends safe, every night spent on your cabin’s porch was another way of pleading the stars to bring everyone back to camp quickly and safely. To clear your mind as best as you could, you began to spend most evenings on the shore where you and Percy used to hang out all the time, before everything went down. Reminiscing on past conversations, the knot in your stomach only tightened when you remembered your last exchange, regret swallowing you whole at the idea of losing Percy and never mending things with him.

Sitting on the shore and skipping stones slowly became part of your daily routine. You were there at dawn and at dusk, feet at the edge of the water. This was the exact place you found out Percy and Annabeth came back. Meg McCaffrey, daughter of Demeter came bounding towards you, yelling your name.

“They’re back !!! They’re all back !!!”

Scrambling to your feet, you follow the girl as best as you could, too stunned to speak. And indeed, as soon as you joined the group of campers in the meadow, you saw them. Your eyes caught Will’s first, holding Nico’s hand tightly. You see them next, Percy and Annabeth. They’re in terrible shape, clothes torn and faces scraped. Yet here they are, stumbling towards Thalia’s tree, holding each other up. That’s the first thing you notice: Percy’s tight grip on Annabeth’s shoulder. You let out a breath, rushing towards the group. Will launches himself into your arms and you fall to your knees, holding him tightly. 

“You’re okay. You’re home.” you whisper, a hand soothingly rubbing his back. When he pulls back, you open your arms to Nico, who gladly accepts your embrace. Once the three of you are up on your feet again, Annabeth pulls you towards her and Percy, although not without wincing. You let out a teary laugh at her demeanor before brushing dirt off her cheek. 

“Let’s get you patched up.” you grin as you take a hold of her elbow. You turn towards Percy, who smiles tiredly before beckoning him to follow. “You’re going too Perce.” 

The next few days Annabeth and Percy stay in the infirmary, you pass by often to help with bandages or simply to strike up a conversation. The bright smile with which Percy greets you everytime makes your heart clench and you avoid his eyes as best as you can. 

The duo has undoubtedly become the talk of the entire camp again, and you can’t help but remember the bitterness crawling up your throat again. They seemed closer, with Percy still hanging around Annabeth as often as he could. Yet this time, you sensed a shift in their dynamics, blaming it on your mother’s powers. Ever since the pair came back from Tartarus, you started to fall into the background again. Percy technically hasn’t abandoned you but you did feel left out, again. Evenings with your dear friend on the shore were traded for long conversations in Athena’s cabin and the feeling of Percy’s constant arm around you now seemed like a fever dream.

With a heavy heart, you let life take its course again. Having pulled away from Percy, people started to speculate your potential breakup. You didn’t deny the rumors, wanting things to go back to what you were used to, wanting to hopelessly pine in silence without pretending anymore. But what you experienced in the past few weeks felt too real and every single time your path crossed Percy’s, you felt like drowning in unsaid feelings. 

The day Silena found you sobbing on the steps of the cabin was your breaking point. She rushed to your side, engulfing you in a hug. 

“Hey, hey! What’s going on ?” she asked but you shook your head, unable to find the right words and ashamed of what your answer might be. But she pressed on until you cracked. 

“Percy and I, we weren’t actually dating. He wanted to make Annabeth jealous so he asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend and I said yes. And I feel so, so stupid because I liked him, really liked him and I thought that was the closest I’ll ever get to actually be with him but then he left and I guess his plan finally worked.” you let out a bitter laugh before resuming. “And I just can’t look him in the eyes anymore, it hurts too much. I probably messed up our friendship because I fell in love with him years ago when he only had eyes for Annabeth. And I can’t be mad at him! She’s perfect! Sometimes I just wish it was me…”

Letting out a shaky breath, you avoided your sister’s eyes until she held your shoulders, prompting you to face her. There was no trace of pity in her gaze, only the typical fondness she addressed to her siblings. With a small smile, she was about to comfort you until the hurried sound of footsteps caused the both of you to turn towards the source of the sound. 

Percy stood in front of the porch, looking as surprised as you. If looks could kill, Silena would’ve already sent him six feet in the ground. On the other hand, you felt sick to your stomach. Judging by the expression on his face, your declaration didn’t fall into deaf ears. He slowly reached the first step but you stood up abruptly.

“Don’t.” was all you could muster before running off.

You blamed it on muscle memory when you found yourself on the edge of the shore again. But Percy wasn’t stupid. He figured out it became your favorite spot almost a month after he took you there for the first time. With your back facing him, he softly called your name, sighing when you refused to turn around. 

“Go away Percy.”

“I can’t. I won’t.” 

“What do you want then?” you finally snapped, facing him. “Do you want to laugh in my face ? Tell me I’m an absolute idiot for thinking I could ever have a chance with you ?”

“No! Absolutely not!” There's a second of silence before he starts again. “I, I heard everything and” you’re about to cut him off when he shakes his head. “No. Let me tell you what I need to tell you. I can’t let you hurt like that knowing I caused all this mess.” 

Seeing him in such a nervous state somewhat calmed your own nerves. You sat on a big rock, motioning him to sit beside you. None of you talked for a little while, instead choosing to focus on the lapping of the waves. Percy decided to break the silence. 

“I have– had feelings for Annabeth. For the longest time. And looking back on it, I was a jerk for asking you to fake date me. I was selfish, I didn’t even think about how you felt in the moment because I was too obsessed with the idea of Annabeth noticing me.” He swallowed. “I was blinded by my feelings until the quest. When Annabeth told me she wanted you to come with her, I told you I couldn’t allow you to get hurt. I meant it. And when we were in Tartarus, gods, I couldn’t help but imagine you instead of me. The place tricked us, made us see things coming out of our worst nightmares. I— I heard you most of the time. It recreated your voice and made me believe you were in so much pain and I couldn’t do anything about it. I still have dreams about it: you’re the one who’s falling into Tartarus because I can’t seem to reach your hand.”

When you turn your head to look in his direction, you find him already looking at you. 

“What do you mean by that?” you whisper, eyes scanning his face.

He grabs your hand and you can’t help but twitch at the contact.

“I can’t lose you, that’s what it means. I took our friendship for granted and I’ll always beat myself up for that. Annabeth realized that before I did. When we came back, she told me to always be upfront about my feelings to people you hold dear. You never know when you might see them for the last time. So that’s what I’m doing right now.”

“Are you seriously friendzoning me right now ?” you scoff at his choice of words.

“No, no!” he closes his eyes. “Gods what I want to tell you is that I can’t stand when you’re not by my side. And I’m sorry for not noticing it earlier. I care about you, more than you know. And if you’d let me, I want to make things right with you, with us.”

Your heart softens at his declaration. You heave a sigh but you can’t hide the small smile growing on your face. 

“We can try.” you shrug and you feel his grip tighten around your hand. 

His smile almost rivals with the first stars dotting the sky. “We can try.”

[hvtqo]

🩷 headcanons —alhaitham as your bf

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ genre: fluff, just cutesy stuff i daydream about

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ warning: nsfw at the end, afab! reader.

・❥・about:

just a bunch of hcs of how i think haitham would act as your boyfriend <33 there's some participation from kaveh as well ! (no, not a threesome or anything 😭)

↓ read under the cut ↓

❛ pre-relatioship ༉‧₊˚

haitham wouldn't be the first to give the green light in the relationship. he would definitely observe you and wait until you show signs of liking him, but he would do so very subtly, and probably wouldn't make the first step directly himself.

but i do feel like he'd be the type to make up excuses to be around you. and you'd be confused because he wouldn't be overt about it either. like a cat just being there... silently demanding attention.

he'd be specially attracted to your intellect. he'd probably ask you questions about your preferred research topics or engage in discussion with you. like sure he can think you're fine asf, but i think he'd fall for your way of seeing things and your intelligence.

you'd notice he likes you likes you when you see him more disposed to listen and learn from you than to contradict you. he's such a contrarian, sometimes just even assuming the opposite point of view from others for simple amusement, not because he actually believes what he's arguing for. but with you he gets to shut up sometimes lol

random gifts left over your desk without you asking for them. a book you've been meaning to buy but never have the chance to. the flowers you saw the other day and thought were beautiful. a keychain that reminded him of you. anything you casually comment that you'd like to have. it pops up.

and then you pretend you don't know it was him who bought those things for you. you left your desk for a minute to go for a coffee, or to the bathroom, or whatever. that's when he comes in and leaves a cute silver necklace there. it has a little ornament in the shape of the moon, which you've mentioned you adore the sight of. he doesn't really get why you find a generic spatial rock so amusing even though you've explained to him it's about the poetry and the symbolism of it, not only it's function or form in space.

he just ended up accepting that you love the moon and the stars and gave into it, associating you with them. before you come back he leaves. you find the necklace and smirk to yourself. you know it was him who got it for you, of course. the next day, you wear it proudly but don't mention it to him.

in fact, you both don't even talk to one another; the only recognition he gets for his gift is a gentle glance across the room. the silver moon glistens over your chest. you smile. he lowers his glance back to his book, and you don't notice the tiny smirk on his face after that.

of course, this subtle tension builds up over the weeks. i feel like haitham, even though he wouldn't directly make the first move, would get impatient. he'd probably scheme a way for you to end up asking him out. you'd definitely fall for it without knowing it was his plan all along to make you confess first.

another thing is that he doesn't come up with all this by himself. he's got you fooled though because he loves the praise and the light in your face when you realize he's responsible for everything.

but no, he's a liar. he definitely asks kaveh and the boys for advice. actually, all of them come up with very specific ways to win you over. kaveh is a romantic and he's always making sure alhaitham doesn't fuck up lol

“just flowers?” a grimace settles on kaveh's face. “yes” alhaitham says, “isn't that what everyone wants? a bouquet? the classic thing?”

“no” kaveh scoffs. “it's not about the flowers, it's about the intention. anyone can go up to her and give her a bouquet of flowers. also, what's special about a bouquet? the flowers will wither in a week. that can be representative of your relationship. be more original.”

so he brings you a bunch of plants instead that you can hang on your ceiling in your room. it looks quite decorative. now everytime you walk to your room and see the hanging plants, you think of him.

he also sends kaveh to ask you things. like what you're into and what type of person you'd date. and like you know he's asking for him, but you play along.

you even tease them a bit.

“i'm into people who can dance” you confess. “it's just so sexy to see a man who can move. why are you asking though? you're not planning on taking me out, are you?” you rise a brow.

“oh, no, not me” kaveh giggles nervously. later in the day he finds haitham scrolling on his phone at the couch. kaveh takes his phone away, which obviously upsets him, and shuts off his headphones.

he pulls him up, making him stand. that's when haitham notices the music. he gets a little nervous but won't show it. “what are you doing?” he asks defensively.

“teaching you how to move” kaveh replies, and the lesson begins.

❛ while dating ༉‧₊˚

so i feel like after the ordeal that making you his girlfriend was, he'd be the type to grasp onto you and not let you go. not easily, at least.

he's lasting. like if you don't end up marrying this man, at least he's gonna be one of the longest relationships of your life.

no over-the-top displays of affection, though. the subtlety continues. and it secures the duration and firmness of your bond. this man's the type to do rather than say. the way he pampers you is through the little things.

like for example, he keeps perfect track of your cycle. even if you're not regular. he knows when you're ovulating (you get it 😌) and when you're extra sensitive because your periods coming.

“did it come?” he asks casually. you frown, because you've never mentioned it. “yes. just this morning” you guess what he's talking about. “good.” he replies. “how do you know?” you rise a brow. he rests his eyes on you. “two days ago you cried because a bee stung me accidentally and died. you cried because it ‘sacrificed itself for me’. and you buried it. under plants.”

“oh”

“yeah”

of course, he also takes care that you have everything you need, because you can be a little forgetful at times. so you go to the store and while you're wandering the halls in search for candies and chocolate, he grabs a pack of pads and tea and face masks and stuff for you to relax during this time.

ON THE OTHER HAND, he's not the one to easily accept gifts from you. he appreciates them though it's just that he's the type to think of effectiveness and utility when he buys you stuff, while you only buy him things that you find cute or that remind you of him.

like you know you could get him a cute green sweater and he'd be like “i dont need this”, and you'd roll your eyes (he'd wear it nonetheless, because he loves the texture).

so over time you learn to stick to gift him things that have a purpose. books that you know he'd find interesting, perhaps, and that you've read yourself so that you can share something. utensils and tools and stuff that “works”. although you still bring him the occasional trinket or plushie at times.

alhaitham is not a morning person. most often than not you're the one cooking breakfast and cleaning up at early hours. but whenever it happens that he wakes up first and surprises you with breakfast, you appreciate it. he's not the best cook either but he's learned to prepare your favorite dishes perfectly.

i hc you spending time together doing separate tasks or being in silence. he'd be researching, writing, at one side of the room, and you'd be playing videogames or giggling at tiktoks.

“lmao you” you show him a random video, and he glances at it slightly. not a sign of amusement on his face, but you perceive a tiny smirk once you pull back.

also. he helps you with school all the time. you have an essay to deliver in two days and you haven't done a thing? he'll write it for you. *but* this is not free labour. you're gonna have to do something for him as well.

you bargain with him successfully. he writes your essay and you say you'll give him a surprise. the surprise? a candy. he's unimpressed at first, but he shakes his head and smiles and says it's exactly what he was expecting in return.

not really though, you know it. you're just teasing him. it's not like he's some sort of fairy that you can bring candies to and he'll grant your every wish.

i mean he kind of is, but no. so you end up actually paying him back some other way.

and surprise ! your essay gets the best note. alright, it's not like he did all the work. of course, most ideas are yours, he just wrote them eloquently. the teacher praises you. you feel a little bad because you're basically lying but haitham assures you to calm down. he's a scribe nonetheless, and you basically “dictated” the essay to him.

so you have this little thing that you're absolutely in love with life's casualties. whenever you saw a dog passing by you'd scream “dog!” excitedly and sometimes walk up to it and pet it, interrupting haitham mid-sentence (or yourself).

now whenever you're down or distracted at something he's the one to point “dog.” in a lower tone at you. and you rise your glance, see doggy passing by, and you smile, and feel better. “aw, dog” you repeat.

❛ nsfw ༉‧₊˚

he's very touchy, ok? that's his love language. like you're cooking and he casually comes up behind you and grabs your waist, hugs you, and slowly swings you from side to side, very subtle. he lays his chin over your shoulder and watches whatever you've got on the stove.

and then he leaves without saying a word, and you feel the coldness left behind by his absence, making you want him even more.

hes also the type to absentmindedly touch you when you're relaxing. perhaps its even become a form of stimming for him.

you'd have your legs resting on his lap as he reads a passage of his book to you, and you have your eyes close, and he caresses your leg with the other hand.

he's most often than not the one to begin things. he does it that way, making you think you're the one throwing yourself at him, but in fact he's been heating you up in subtle ways the whole day... with little glances and touches and even words.

lmao like this man is conditioning you

like over time you understand the cues and now whenever he does a move like that casually you think to yourself. “oh” and you surprise him later wearing a cute little set of lingerie for him. now who's got the upper hand?

like i feel you've got all of these secret games between you that others don't know about. like this one. who'll give in first? who'll fall first for it? it's so fun.

sometimes you take it as far as making a move in public. you know others don't understand your little cues, it's just between you and him, but you love to see him get a bit shy in front of everyone.

OF COURSE, haitham is a curious type of person. if he's gonna do something, he's gonna do it well. he's not afraid or ashamed of experimenting in the bedroom. so you can come up with all sorts of ideas and he'll probably give them a try.

he's a dom. like any type of dom you want. soft dom, hard dom, whatever. you communicate very openly with him. but it's hard for him to give up control. whenever he accepts to let you dom he's teasing you the whole time.

this man likes being in control ok that's why he's so secretive and stuff. let him be

i feel like he's got a lot of stamina but he gets so sleepy. like im sure he sleeps a lot. just in general not like just after sex.

he can be rough too. and emotional. hes a tongue type of guy. in many ways; he doesn't just love licking, he also loves conversation. praising. degrading. teasing. just words.

he'd be constantly paying attention to your body language to see what you like and dont. he becomes very communicative about this so he's prompting you to speak, approve, and tell him directly if you like something or not.

he loves the sight when you're on top though. just. your body over his. and the way the sweat rolls down your neck into your collarbones. he grasps at your thighs roughly. you feel his fingers burying. and he loves the way you bounce. he won't admit it though, but he does stare in awe when you don't see.

he also won't ask you but he's often hoping you'll give him. like also seeing you on your knees, mouth open, ready for him... he looks forward to it. and you know he loves this part so you don't make it so available to him.

he loves you biting and scratching, but specially biting. he loves the tears rolling down your eyes out of pleasure and the blush on your cheeks.

thrusts are deep and rough. he goes in all the fucking way, deep. he doesn't like doing things mildly anyway. there's also a specific rhythm, but he likes taking unpredictable variation and will sometimes begin thrusting really fast and hard just when you were expecting a slower movement.

he's always ready for aftercare as well. like i just feel like he's a very organized and prepared dude, so he wouldn't do things out of the blue. whenever you start things he's already got everything there for when you finish.

and then you cuddle to sleep and you wake up the next morning... and he's horny again. he's also the type to appreciate some cockwarming after the act.

he's got a high sex drive when it comes to you 😔

oh also i don't feel like you're his first but he's definitely not that experience when you start dating. he learns on the way and through research lol but i don't feel like he's got that high of a body count. NOT LIKE KAVEH AT LEAST.

ta-da~ you've reach the end! if you've come this far thanks for reading <3 reblogging and commenting is highly appreciated ! let me know your thoughts or any other character you want me to write about 🩷🤍

[drdemonprince]

Hi! I remember you talking about doing shadow work (in a reply to an ask, I think); do you have any advice on how to start? Especially for someone who who has a really hard time with consistency/habits? Thanks!

For me it is not an intentional practice separate from my regular life, it is an orientation toward my own most negative thoughts/impulses/reactions. I do not believe that any thought is harmful or morally wrong to have, and so when I experience a thought that is violent, cruel, bitter, pathetic, prejudicial, short-tempered, jealous, whatever else, I accept it, and study it with curiosity rather than self-condemnation.

I notice patterns over time in what I am particularly un-evolved and unenlightened about. What hang ups do I have? What weird bullshit respectability politics or traditional gender norms do I still apply to myself or to others? Who do I fuckin hate and why?

Which of these things can I just kind of shrug at and accept as a feature of my programming and which ones do I see seriously holding back my life? That's probably the hardest part of shadow work for me. I'm very aware of a lot of my flaws and the things i'm irrationally emotionally reactive to and defensive about, but I get attached to my way of seeing things. It can be scary to become more open-minded and uncertain and less spiky. And some things just aren't easy to change even if I want them to. Part of shadow work means allowing oneself to be in an unfinished state.

Another part of it for me is accepting with a dark kind of gratitude that the world would be a pretty terrible place if everyone was like me. There is so much about humanity that I do not understand. I could never be a surgeon. I could never be a good parent. I could never be a social worker. There is so much I am so bad at. Maybe this is the Narcissism and Lack of Empathy talking, but I've had to really humble myself. I used to think I was so much more rational and less of a waster of time and resources than most people around me. Now I realize I have run on self-denial and repressed emotionality for a very long time and demanded that life have some Purpose when it doesn't. So a lot of my shadow work has been acknowledging my ultimate smallness and feebleness and just general uselessness -- i have a lot to be grateful to other people for doing, but also life has no purpose that needs to be fulfilled so i can just exist and suck for every single second that i'm alive if that's what i'm gonna do.

radical acceptance shit is definitely mixed in there, and some DBT kinda strategies. I've finally arrived at a place where I can love my dissatisfaction as a core part of me and accept that life is not meant to be happy and comfortable. we always keep moving, changing our environments to make them a little better, chasing after new passions and then getting disillusioned with them, falling in and out of love, getting lost. we're always lost. we're always making mistakes and being dumb as humans. that's like what we are. silly little freaks that make up lots of pretend games for fun but then get swept up in believing them too much. i kind of feel at peace now with the fact that i'll always be messy and impulsive and have weird beliefs and will change constantly and look back on my past with a cringe reaction every four or five years. i dont expect myself to ever arrive, because what the hell would that look like?? being satisfied and happy sure sounds a lot like being dead.

[yannaryartside]

the payoff for this love triangle shit better be good

a Sydcarmy vs Claircarmy rant

So, to ramble here, I am starting to wonder what place romance has in the overall plot of The Bear as a show and, by that, what function it will execute. I am going to write about some alternatives that I can predict.

The overall purpose of the show is to heal Carmy, or to put Carmy on a path when self-healing is the only option. He is a sinking ship that has been treating his holes with tape instead of acknowledging the "bear" trauma. At the present of the show, the bear is still in a cage.

So, what paths of healing romance could offer Carmy? Love and loving others is essential to learning to be better versions of ourselves and achieve happiness.

Option one: ClaireCarmy

Yeah, we are here again. Stick with me after the next paragraph so I can dispute what I am about to write.

I must admit, if I take the most superficial parts of the show's structure so far, Claircarmy seems to be the clear endgame. What we are seeing with them could be categorized in one of the most used tropes in romance: the "I am not good enough to receive love" trope, in which a character is afraid of being loved, so they push away the romantic interest until they heal their wound, they make a love confession, and they get back together. I know a movie/show came to mind. We have seen it a dozen times. Even what Claire told Tiff "If something good happens to him, he would blame me." We see Carmy thinking about her and missing the relationship they had. He even declares her as his peace. It would make sense that this is a story about a girl who wanted to love a boy and a boy who was too wounded to accept that love. It would make a clean ending for Carmy to go to therapy, learn to accept love, and reconcile with Claire, who has all the attributes of someone who would fall in love with a broken person.

The grenades are in the way.

NOW, the show has been planting grenades for option one to feel like "the right one" even if our protagonist seems to think it is the case. There are Claire's obvious red flags of course, behavior that looks naive but has some manipulative undertones. The fact that she is written like a woman with no personality, or at least no personality outside helping people in pain (Carmy included). She still talks about her patients as subjects, and there is a theory in the sydcarmy fandom that she may feel powerful or valued only in a position of taking care of people who cannot fend for themselves. There is also the fact that she is not a good doctor (she almost killed a patient over a very preventable mistake). Her comments of setting things on fire being cool while Carmy is afraid of setting himself on fire is still, for me, the biggest red flag.

My theory is that Storer just didn't want to show people with depression to accept love but to be wary of the love we accept while we are still stuck in our old ways of thinking. It is true that even at your worst, you may find yourself in relationships that keep you that way, but the relationships may feel good, so we have a hard time moving away from them. If that is the case, Storer, I promise to never commit blasphemy on your church.

The SydCarmy option.

I am not going to repeat myself. They read each other's minds. They can actually give each other real advice and support (While Carmy kissed Claire after she admitted malpractice). They make each other better, while Claire keeps Carmy as broken as he is (never apologize, you can pretend to be someone else at a party).

Sydney brings him actual peace and self-understanding. It is actually very important to me that they made Sydney say she has difficulty keeping with Carmy at his worst because she is not a mind reader. But at this point, there is no doubt in my mind that she has feelings for Carmy, or that she at least has felt the sparkles of what it would be love in the future.

The payoff.

I swear to god, the next season better provide clarity on all of this because, at this point, it is too much. There is no way you give so many clues in the background for one ship and pursue the other in the front.

My worst fear, which is actually really possible, is that the show wants to concentrate on the "being stuck in the past" narrative so that all the elements for the future are there, but we won't act on them until the end of it. So Carmy can kill all his bad habits, the self-isolation, aggressiveness, depression, self-harming tendencies (fire), and Claire, and THEN, he can open his heart to Sydney. It is obviously not what many of us want to see; maybe this was never a love story, but an "unstuck yourself from the mud" story.

I wish the progress of the love story you actually want to tell (Sydcarmy) would progress with the show's actual plot (Carmy's mental health) a little more. Otherwise, the payoff is never going to feel quite like one. You may have done too much of a good job misguiding your audience, and then it will feel like a change of direction, like a plot twist at the end of a mystery novel, but that rarely works in romance subplots.

I know the clues were there, but your narrative seems to ignore them so far, making it feel more like gaslighting.

Anyhow, thank you for hearing me ramble.

[bigfan-fanfic]

Yellow Light, Blue Light (Male!Reader x Connor DBH)

so, there's barely any connor (dbh) content, so what abt an scenario where connor waits for his boyfriend to come for work and they both live with hank and sumo? i mean like since connor started to feel love he gets so excited when seeing his boyfriend coming back with new things to show him and the three of them + sumo eat dinner together like a family (it sounds so wholesome 😭💞)

Nobody would ever be able to make him admit it, but Hank would've been lonely without Connor around.

So at the terse point where Markus' revolution created a new way of life in Detroit and across the United States, Hank very casually offers that Connor stay with him.

Their relationship often fluctuates confusingly, as Hank sometimes does feel like he takes on a fatherly role to Connor, especially in dealing with emotions now that he's accepted that he's a living being

But then they become more mentor and protegee at times, and then there's the most often state where they're very close friends and the one of the only men robots people Hank currently feels okay with hugging.

Yeah, the bucket of bolts is a hugger and now that Hank can't pretend androids aren't alive anymore he doesn't have the heart to push Connor away when the man hugs him.

It's also a little confusing for Hank because Connor doesn't particularly mind whatever terminology he uses, while other androids with their new autonomy still argue about whether "man/woman" or "human beings" are desirable and acceptable terms or microaggression or outright hate speech in reference to them.

In any case, it comes as a surprise to Hank when things go back to his comfort zone and Connor asks him about very familiar emotions.

It's immediately clear to Hank that Connor is experiencing love for the first time, and when Connor asks if he might need repairs (despite several diagnostics coming up with no problem), Hank practically needs to go to the hospital for a collapsed lung from laughing so hard.

Hank doesn't quite understand what a human-android relationship would entail - he still hasn't had the courage to ask if Connor's like a Ken doll down there, and he doesn't know he really wants to know.

But Connor seems fulfilled, and happy. In his weird analytical Connor way. And it makes Hank happy, in his own grumpy way, that Connor keeps asking him for advice, for help.

Hank isn't really sure how it ended up that Connor's boyfriend started living with them, but honestly he doesn't really mind. It's... nice to have another human in the house, and to feel the house being alive.

And to have someone else to walk Sumo when he feels lazy.

It's also kind of adorable to see Connor on the back foot scrambling around to make food for when his boyfriend gets home from work on their anniversary of moving in together.

"Connor. Con- Con! You don't need to measure the salt out to a grain. Jesus, Connor, don't give me the puppy eyes - I'll back off. Just... calm down a little."

He's a little surprised when he opens the door (Connor's dealing with the food) and you hug him. He's even more surprised that he doesn't mind.

Hank always gets a kick out of seeing just how much Sumo gets excited when Connor's boyfriend gets home - almost as excited as Connor does.

Connor acts all casual about making dinner, letting you unwind and relax and pretending like he wasn't just measuring every ingredient out to the gram.

Hank good-naturedly ribs you both about being so affectionate, playfully accusing you two of practically sitting in each other's laps at the dinner table.

Connor smirks - full on smirks and just says "Well, Hank, since I don't need to eat, shouldn't I have something to do with my hands?" and Hank chokes on his food and laughs and bares his teeth in a grin as he calls Connor a sick little bastard and it's mean words but the intent is fun and you all laugh together.

It's interesting - Hank notices how Connor sometimes acts more 'human', and sometimes doesn't do those mannerisms programmed into him by Cyberlife, like imitating breathing or blinking. It makes Hank a little proud, even more than the uneasiness. It doesn't make him less of a person, just... different.

And seeing you love him anyway. Hell, seeing Connor love you back, clearly and obviously - Hank can't help but smile and needs to listen to some metal in order to get his head back on track.

Besides, Connor's boyfriend is a pretty cool guy - he's helpful even if Connor generally insists on doing the chores because he doesn't need to sleep, and he even likes to introduce things to Hank as well as Connor.

They feel like a family. A weird, silly, neurotic family, but family all the same.

[love-and-deepspace-fanfic]

Self-narrative of Xavier - Lumiere Myth

I have just finished Lumiere myth, and my mind exploded with #delulu again that I have to share with you all. hope you enjoy this little self-narrative from the jelly jelly #Xavier. I’m looking forward to your feedback as it’s the first time I write about Xavier as well!

What happens if you experience Lumiere Myth through Xavier's eyes?

The Self-Narrative of Xavier Lumiere Myth ******************************

When I first received the call from the director about the upcoming movie “Dawn Apocalypse,” which is based on Lumiere’s biography, I was momentarily stunned, thinking I might have been found out. It wasn't until they mentioned they just wanted my advice on techniques for fighting the Wanderers that I could breathe a sigh of relief. But this also made me immediately think of inviting you. Just the thought of being with you everywhere, even while working on set, excited me. So, I accepted the request on one condition: I wanted you to join as my manager and companion.

-—————————————————

The filming had been going on for a few days, but today was your first day on set, so I had to prepare a surprise for you. Watching you search for me around the set made me chuckle and want to tease you a bit. So, I quickly grabbed the Lemonette monster prop and told you that this was the role you needed to play. Seeing your innocent face believing me without question made me want to pinch your cheeks endlessly. By the time you realized my prank, I had already collected enough joy and adorable pictures of you.

-————————————————-

The weather on set was worsening, giving me an uneasy feeling. So, I contacted Jenna, suggesting that everyone should be more vigilant by forming groups to respond promptly in case of any emergencies. When Jenna asked if I wanted you to accompany me, I hesitated. The scope of the attack was still unknown, and the perpetrator hadn't been identified, so I couldn't let you come with me. With your intelligence and boldness, you'd choose to follow me without hesitation. That's why I didn't want you in the same group, especially in such dangerous times. I declined Jenna’s suggestion and insisted on acting independently. This was just a precaution, and I hoped for the best.

-————————————————

The worst happened sooner than expected. After the Wanderers appeared on set, I suspected the culprit was behind the scenes and spent the next two days tracking clues and dealing with minor monsters to calm things down. I knew you would be worried and want explanations when you didn't see me for two days. But it's not that I don't want to confide in you; I just don't want you involved in danger. With your reckless nature, like mine, you'd do something that I might regret forever. Just like long ago...

That's why when I met you at the prop room, I had no better excuse than to pretend nothing had happened. You know I'm not good at hiding serious matters from you. Sometimes I wish you were as naive as when I tease you, but you are who you are, the one I love, so I can only sigh and accept it.

Perhaps out of anger, when you pulled me into the prop room, you immediately brought out the Lumiere mask, insisting I wear it for you. Every time I see that mask, it reminds me of the old "embarrassing" times. But if you want me to wear it, then you should pay a "price" first, shouldn't you?

-—————————————————-

I was caught by Jasper’s henchmen while spying on their plans. Talk about bad luck. It felt like I got a taste of my own medicine dealing with people who speak politely but act ruthlessly, much like myself.

While pondering my next move, I heard a familiar motorcycle sound, hoping it was just my imagination. But when I saw you speeding towards me and reaching out to grab me, I couldn't describe my emotions. Surprise? Shock? Fear? I wasn't sure. The only thing I knew was that I had to ask how you found me. When I learned that you had Jeremiah install a tracking device in my jacket two days ago, the first thing I wanted to do was give that idle troublemaker a piece of my mind.

But maybe I'll let it slide this time because, thanks to his silly act, I owe you one.

With no time for a proper conversation due to the urgent danger, I had to guide you to my “secret” hideout, my “temporary home” before I met you.

I can't describe how I felt bringing you here. It was like you were seeing a part of me you never knew, filled with regrets and restlessness.

I know you have many questions, but forgive me, I don’t have the courage to answer now. There's so much I need to handle before I can tell you everything. For now, I need to "rest" in the Sleepen Pod.

I'm sorry for misleading you, and I know you noticed. But you are so forgiving and generous with me. Even knowing I was lying, you still chose to follow my lead. I apologize again, but let me rest for a moment…my eyes can’t take it anymore…

-———————————————-

When I woke up, the first thing greeting me wasn’t your worried face but the alarm bell signaling a Wanderer’s appearance. The moment I didn't see you, I knew where you were, and it terrified me.

Not again...

In my panic, I used all my strength to teleport, knowing it would harm my body and powers.

But isn’t the fastest speed supposed to be the speed of light? If I can’t reach you in time, what good is this light power?

When I arrived, I saw a scene of destruction. People crying, Wanderers roaring, everything was a hindrance as I hadn’t found you yet. Until I saw a small figure holding a boy and about to be attacked by a Wanderer, I acted instinctively.

Wearing the mask from 14 years ago, let me become Lumiere once more to appear before you, be your white knight, and protect you from danger.

-————————————————

After confirming your safety, I felt immense relief mixed with anger. But when I saw your radiant smile, telling me how lucky you were to be saved by Lumiere twice, all my worries disappeared. You know, I'm the one who feels blessed to meet you again, more than twice.

-————————————————-

To be honest, even though I accepted to wear Lumiere’s embarrassing cloak without caring about what others think, just to save you in time, it doesn’t mean I want to wear it again.

Who came up with the bizarre idea that knights should wear flashy clothes to save people? I can’t understand it!

Seeing the box of Lumiere’s quirky items you brought made me want to run away.

But your pouty, puppy-eyed face leaves me helpless.

Well, if you’re going to shoot, you might as well follow through.

But at least when I'm the one wearing it, you should say Xavier is the handsome one, not Lumiere. What does he have that I don’t?

When you talk about Lumiere, your eyes sparkle, but when it’s about me, it’s all cruelty and harshness?

You’ve underestimated me.

Just wait for tonight.

I won’t let you go until I hear the most satisfying answer.

That the only one you choose.

Is Xavier.

[lillysilvermoon]

Messages from your guardians

Pile 1

Signs: mentors, spiritual guides, ancestors (old woman), dragons (I heard "dragon soul" but I don't know much about dragons so,,,, takes what resonates), guardian angel, Archangel Raphael, green color, rivers, 1111 (I heard that you should read about this number's meaning and also to pay attention to how you feel when you see this number, it's important because has some kind of message in this and will be different for everyone!).

I feel like some of you has been through some kind of "spiritual awakening", it's like something has happened and now you understood what was necessary and a change of some kind is coming. Wait this is the message of someone: yes you understood and yes the change will happen - well, actually already is lol - and that's your confirmation. Also: there will be a "crisis" of some kind, or happened already, it's to remind you what YOU truly want and what's need to let go, it's kin the way of the Universe test you (I know it's sucks, believe I know......... but, this kind of situation teaches A LOT so me EXTREMELY aware, try to take notes because I swear to you, helps!).

Humm, some of you need to do little adjustments here and there and have a moment of rest, you know when we start our spiritual journey and we read about so many things, we wanna try it all but at some moment just feels like you are stuck? That's it here, it's like you are a vessel and you have been filled more and more and some of this was good but some wasn't and you need some time to "take the trash out", you need to stop and look at all this and see what servers you and what not.

If you are going through some hardships your guardians want you to know that first: you are not alone (please call upon them when you need, I promise they will help. But you need to ask guys😭💗) and you need to have trust to move forward of this situation.

"What you believe it's true becomes true, kid. You are halfway of your goal but you need to be more disciplined and put effort. Commit yourself to what you wants and don't give up." Alright for you all I need to say this: remember the thing about the universe test us? It do this to see if we have learned our lesson, so any dramas that may happen you need to see just as a stepping stone to where you want to be/your goals.

This is now just my own advice: call them, talk to them. It can be ANYTHING. Light a candle, write a letter to them and read out loud, pray, meditation. Can whatever y'all want to be. They are with you and really want to help.

You shall receive good news because abundance is coming at waterfalls to you, give abundantly and you accept with gratitude if you are given (I feel there is people here that just don't know how to accept things, either material or emotional help and your guardian wants you to learn this).

For anyone trying a business: it's gonna be blessed!! Expect thing to work really well because I can tell you: wealth is on its away to you.

Please have more faith in yourself Pile 1, seriously you guardians see you like someone SO capable (king of Wands) you can do it! (Whatever this "it" means to y'all, know that YES U CAN! and I believe in you👽🙌)

Last but not least: When was the last time you heard your feelings? You give them some kind of, you know, attention?..... pretend you are fine, you are strong, a warrior blablabla it's needed sometimes, but if this is your normal it's bad, blocks your heart center and the energy which can make you feel sick and warm you hole body. You need more balance when related to your emotional and self-care. Take more care of your spiritual body. (People who likes crystals: rose quartz it's good for you!)

Pile 2

Signs: green color (pile one had this too lmao maybe y'all need to work on your heart chakra just saying 🤷‍♀️), leo, fire signs and fire placements at your big three (so weird when I receive this things because it's very specific and because I don't even know too much about astrology so I was be like "damn... its really specific" lmao never mind ignore me), aquamarine (loved this because the picture of this Pile is a mermaid🤭🥺), color pink, pisces, 111, 444

Humm okay, first of all your guardians want you to know that some things need to comes to a end because teaches you what was supposed to teach and now it's just time to end, and you don't need to be sad about that because ends also means create space for new things, people, experiences. I feel like this is Love matters, well there is 2 options here: the first one it's all that I said, and the second one is that you are ending this to meet your "special someone" (since there a increase of Twin Flames on earth this time, maybe you are ending this relationship because you gonna meet them soon and you learned the lesson with this person). But for some of you is a friendship. Yeah, it's right, nothing will come of this situation (its literally what the card says), meditation, time out and you know, just be a little contemplative will help you. Surrender to the Divine (whatever The Divine are for you) will help, believe that you will get what you need (I thought this were for the people that are working on there skills but your guardian was like "NO! IT'S NOT!!!!!!) and I came back here and yes it is for you really).

If you are into mantras I recommend "Om Namo Narayani" which basically means I surrender to the Divine.

(I think this is for a really small group: don't let your pride get in your away okay? You need to work in group and balance your needs with the needs of others. Its important and you need to work on this!)

The other message here is that: you are doing SO GREAT at your job/craft. Really, your guardians are proud of you for better your skills and know that you are doing a really good job!

And you need to hear you on thoughts, someone here has been anxious as and your guardian wants you to calm down, repeat to yourself "this thought isn't mine" and start to calm yourself, your guardian wants you to know that you are not alone, but you need to take better care of yourself especially related to your anxiety!

Pile 3

Signs: male guide, trans men (fo explain: someone here reading this are and this is the sign that yes, this is your Pile Hello😙💗), seashells, collect rocks (I don't who you are but you have such a good and fun energy lmao you know this person who just looks like a really good friend and person? It's you), color read, Divine Feminine path (or something related to the topic), life path number 3? (You got FIVE number 3), 666, number 9, pink hearts, Grenade and red jasper (it's more likely you should try to use them, will help you have more energy)

This pile have STRONG feminine energy and also priestess energy (which means that you can be one, become one in the future, was one in some important past life or just have the characteristics of one!)

Okay, some of you has Mother Mary as one of you main guardian (She and Archangel Mary are not the same! I can talk more about this if y'all be interested♡) and I feel a lot of you are working on something new and she wants you to know that: it's worth, this project is important, the world deserves to see the incredible person you are. And also to know that you are entering a knew phase and will bee FULL of good things and blessings, omg I can't calm myself its SO AMAZING really there us so many blessings, so many good moments. Okay I need to calm myself down or things gonna be all messy lol sorry I get really excited with this messages, your faith will be renewed, you are entering a peaceful loving phase, filled with calm energy and personal growth. Your belief that your dreams can manifest are working well, there us a big "yes" coming your away (I'M SO HAPOY FOY YOU, HERE, TAKE MY HUG). Whatever situation this is: is blessed, if you chose this pile probably you are starting all over again in some away, can be on a new/better course or just feeling more positive about archiving your goals.

(Very small group who are feeling stagnant: life goes on cycles and you are going enter a new one now! Likely our friend Pile 3 it's a moment to you to trust in the Divine (again: whatever the Divine is for you). Your guardians want you to trust your feelings and intuition (because logic won't work right now) and speak positively because "your words have power. Say what you want will work, and believe in it" (someone guide said and it's a man).

I need y'all to take care of yourself, your guardians want you to be more in touch with your intuition, your body (dance, yoga and stretching can help) and on do creative things, also try to just go more with the flow, be less controlled (some here are control freaks help) and just... take better care of you, u know?

Oh, I almost forgot: Its time to spread your wings and fly, universe is supporting u right now (your guardians want you to know that because apparently you don't have much physical support so ita important to you to know that). Youe hard work will pay off, I promise you (and for anyone who was wanting to travel: can happen soon)

Pile 4

Signs: aries, pisces, waterfalls, Mexico, ireland, 333, 6666, Angel's, Saint Mary (it's a place in Jamaica).

"You need to take a break" that's what I heard, for some of you I feel like you have to much energy, and you are doing to much things and it's time to get inwards and have some time of to chill, I think you don't like to open up to others because what I'm feeling is that you guided are talking but I just can't understand (like you didn't want help from other person, or that anyone no one knew what going on...) okay I assume its related to your job, or group you live with, looks very...heavy, a sense of hostility and conflicts. Your guardians want you to know that: first isnt your fault! Sencond: try to find common ground and focus on mutual collaboration rather then the competition. You need to focus in maintai you inner peace and don't let the environment you are get the best of you.

For other group here: your guardians always you to take action, to do you best and BE HAPPY (and proud) WITH THAT! (My perfectionist group, maybe?). I think there is something you want and this is a huge YES, but you need determination (and probably a long term plan).

And our last group (but I think this applies to the one before) you need to balance spirituality and practicality (I feel you, same boat here 🤡) WAIT A MINUTE BECAUSE I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC SIR, the card says "a new male is coming into your life" nd the other one (the one about balance) SAYS THAT THE PERSON CAN BE A SOULMATE OMG GUYS THE CARDS COMPLEMENTS EACH OTHER THIS IS SO CUTE I CAN'T I'M SORRY-

I couldn't help myself to freak out sorry Pile 4, getting back to what I was saying: Your intuition won't let you down and you need to trust it, and your guardians also wants you to know that you need to take more practical steps and be with your head in the clouds less, they ask you to find balance between your responsibilities and your dreams (maybe you have to work but are trying or want to try your new business, stop dream about it and think "what can I do NOW to make my dream happen?" Or "What step can I do NOW with what I already have to start my business?" Questions like this will help!.

This is coming so strong omg: Your soulmate is coming guys, I mean really appeared 3 times in 2 cards (besides you got The Emperor which can means Divine Masculine depends on the topic. Anyhow just takes what resonates).

COME HERE: When things get hard you have emotional balance? Your guardians want you to work on this, because sometimes the solution is right in front of you but you are to angry, sad or agitated to realize.

I hope this message reaches everyone who needs. Bye bye from me and your guardians 🤣🤭 see y'all soon.

- Lia

[blommp717]

Hi! Thx for all the posts and replies so far 🤍

I’m having a big problem which is that even tho I have accepted that I’m not the person and that apparently the life + world + person won’t disappear even after I realize self. But despite having that acceptance and knowledge that I am just awareness creating / experiencing itself and not the person, I still get completely caught up in the negative feelings ( the person is quite miserable and gets depressed pretty much everyday) and I’m just in a loop and can’t move forward. Would you have any advice for me?

Thank you 🌻

So ( and this is what I know from my experience so this is advice I urge you to try out) what I mean to say by understanding you are not the things that are perceived, doesn’t mean to try and push yourself and disconnect yourself as much as possible from them. If this was the goal of life I don’t see a reason for it to exist as an experience. The entire point is to realize that it is all you. Maybe I haven’t worded it right but just because you are the “ “ doesn’t mean these things are not forms of you. As clay form into a pot, the clay never disappears, it takes on a perceived different appearance. The clay is still clay. This is you, I don’t mean for you to think, I am awarness, and solely that, as if it’s an entity seperate from the dream, is the dream, it takes form of the dream, there is no separation between this consciousness/god and the forms it pretends to be. Please don’t try to run away from the body or the illusions, but understand that they’re just hollow, there’s no substance that makes them “real”. The realization of “peach” is the peach “made real”. The “awarness” that you are (trying not to be vague, it’s very hard to explain lol sry) does not exist as something apart from the illusion, it is exactly what it appears as. I hope this makes more sense.

And another word of advice from what I realized really helps? Don’t give meaningless things a meaning, an emotion is no more than the way the body reacts to temperature, hot and cold don’t have a meaning inherently, so when your cold, you don’t spiral out of control and think it means your “doing” something wrong do you? Of course not ☀️. So just realize, your allowed to feel, your allowed to perceive the illusionary physicalities but remain unbothered.

The only reason we try escaping from these emotions is usually because we attach the meaning that something bad is happening, or will happen, and that you’re doing something wrong by feeling that way. The body and person can’t ever decide whether or not something is happening, or if there is good or bad. These are just thoughts like everything else! “I can’t feel bad cus I’ll mess up my manifestation” how meaningless, but made true by no one but yourself. I’ve felt terrible anxiety and unstable emotions while also realizing it’s ok to feel that way because it inherently means nothing in relation to just being, awareness, this god remains unbothered.

Instill a level of confidence (so to speak) for yourself. Paint a new story, realizing that the old one is just as real as what you decide to experience next. The affirmation doesn’t make something happen, but simply focuses this limitless “ “ to that idea or thought. Realizing “it’s so easy to be happy” is instantly true, regardless of an emotion. In the same way you can think “I hate being depressed” regardless of an emotion. I really hope something that I said helped you out but if you want more clarity please let me know! ☀️🪷🫀

[rhinestoneposts]

WARNING: Tcest, turtle bros kissing, and a lot of cussing. If that’s not your speed, move on!!

I’m writing a story that has Tcest (RaphXDonnie) and I need some feedback from tmnt/tcest mutuals on how to write this scene properly 😮‍💨

For content: Raph and Donnie shared one kiss a while back, and neither of them have talked about it or done anything about it, just pretending it didn’t happen. Now, they get paired for patrol, and it all blows up.

I was heavily inspired by that scene in brokeback mountain where they aggressively hit and grab each other before having s*x. I feel like something is missing and I really want to capture that masculine, “refusal-to-accept-I’m-gay” kind of vibe. Also, writing kissing scenes is hard… any advice would be much appreciated!

______________________________

The night air hung heavy with humidity, the heat coming up from the city traffic made the mutant brothers’ skin sticky with sweat. It was difficult to tell if there was any activity worthy of stopping for because of Donatello’s consistent run across the rooftops. Since the past few weeks had been quiet on the streets, the team felt it would be better to split into pairs, thus covering more ground with ease. Leo paired himself with Mikey, leaving Raph and Donnie to take the Lower East Side. Neither one gave any indication of opposition towards this decision. As the purple and red banded turtles ran, Raphael stayed a few yards behind Donnie, his brows permanently furrowed together. Finally, Donnie slowed to a stop.

“Hold up,” he said, peeking down into an alleyway. Raphael came up beside him to look. Below them was a couple, their wobbly movements indicating they were intoxicated. The man had a woman a few inches shorter than him pinned to the wall and he was mumbling incoherently, the woman’s incessant shifting and glancing around being the only indication of discomfort. Donnie watched for a moment before he whispered.

“Think it’s a date gone wrong?” Raph merely shook his head as they watched. The two of them sighed when the woman looked around once more before forcing the man into a fierce kiss, her hands grabbing his and moving them over her body.

“More like a date gone right,” Raph retorted before he backed away from the building’s ledge. Donnie clicked his tongue and stood up.

“Hopefully Leo and Mikey are having better luck than us,” he said as he turned to face his older brother. Raph was staring at him with his brows still etched together, but not in his usual angry manner; they had a softness to them, a twinge of concern. His fists were clenched too, which put Donnie on edge. Donnie matched his expression.

“What?” he said. Raph said nothing as his fists tightened. Donnie kept his glare and grabbed hold of the band that came across his chest to hold his bo staff, shifting it a little to a more comfortable position. They stayed like this for a moment, the sounds of the couple in the alleyway below having left and leaving nothing but the hum of the city to fill the air. Donnie wasn’t sure why he looked away first – perhaps the tension got to him more than he would have liked to let on – but he did, and it sprung Raph into action. Raphael stomped towards him, fists finally coming undone as he reached up to touch Donnie.

“What are you-” Donnie looked down at the shorter turtle, his heart starting to race as Raphael’s hands grew frantic trying to find a way to grip Donnie.

“What are you doing- What are you doing-” Donnie spoke quickly as he roughly swatted away Raph’s hands, though they were quick to reach back up again as soon as they were hit. Raph was able to grip the back of Donnie’s neck and pulled him down to his size, their foreheads and cheeks bumping into each other as the push and pull of the two turtles continued.

“Raph, I don’t want-” Raph forced his lips into Donnie’s. Donnie’s eyes shut as he tried to shove him away, separating them just far enough to throw a punch that landed square on Raph’s jaw, but his head swung back, that etched expression unchanged and his hands still having an unrelenting need to have a hold on Donnie. Quickly catching a good grasp on Donnie’s wrist and the back of his head, Raph pressed his mouth into Donnie’s again, this time leaning in to force Donnie to the edge of the rooftop so he couldn’t step back and create enough space for another punch. Donnie let out a sound of protest and hit his free hand into Raph’s shoulder, but to little avail. Raph squeezed his wrist and Donnie’s breath became a fast, heavy pant through his nose before he wrapped his free arm around Raph’s neck, their teeth hitting as Donnie moved his lips aggressively. Raph released his wrist and Donnie was quick to wrap it under Raph’s arm, flattening his hand against his shell to press him in closer. Their kiss became messy as swollen lips fought to be more tightly pressed together. They both panted whenever their lips separated for half a second, both sets of hands moving and fighting for a better position to grip and hold. Donnie’s head was swimming, the sweat on his skin mixing with Raph’s made him nauseous and it took everything in him to keep his knees from buckling. They ended with his hands cupping Raph’s face, their foreheads pressed hard together so he could tilt his jaw away and get some much needed air in through his mouth. Their hot breaths mingled, and it wasn’t until they opened their eyes to look at each other that Donnie moved his hands to Raph’s shoulder’s and shoved him away, causing him to stumble back.

“Raph, what the fuck!,” Donnie screamed, quickly moving away from any rooftop ledge so he couldn’t be pinned again. Raph’s face contorted and he scoffed.

“Oh don’t you fucking start with that high and mighty bullshit,” he shouted with an accusatory finger pointed in Donnie’s direction. “Ya been thinkin’ bout this just as much as I have! Don’t think I haven’t noticed those goddamn stares durin’ training, or at dinner – way to be fucking subtle!” Donnie scowled and shook his head as he threw his arms up.

“Fuck off, Raph! I didn’t want any of this! Whatever this is-,” Donnie made a gesture between them and Raph scoffed again, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

“At least I’m doin’ somethin’ about it! You’re the one pretending like nothing happened-”

“Because we have to!” Donnie shouted back, his palms up and out in defeat. “We can’t be doing this, you know that as much as I do, it’s wrong and- and-”

“You shoulda thought of that before you started kissin’ me like your life depended on it, Don.”

“Fuck!” Donnie screamed as he dropped to a crouch, his grip on his head tightening when he tucked his head between his knees. Raph swallowed and took a deep breath before he swiped the sweat on his forehead with his forearm.

“What do you want?” he asked. Donnie huffed and shook his head.

“We need to stop this. We can’t be doing this. If the others knew-”

“That’s not what I fucking asked, Don, don’t make me ask again,” Raph clenched his jaw but kept his gaze on his brother. Donatello stood up and looked at Raph with his brows furrowed, eyes hooded.

“Ya tell me right now you neva want any of this eva again and I’ll stop,” Raph said firmly, but there was a slight lowering of his voice as the sentence went on, “but it has to be what you want – not whateva the others think or what’s right and wrong.” Donnie’s expression softened as he looked into Raph’s green eyes, his shoulders feeling heavy as they sagged. Donnie swallowed and spoke plainly.

“I don’t want to do anything like this ever again with you.” Raph showed no signs of surprise or disappointment but rather shifted his jaw and gave a small nod before looking down at the ground.

“Alright. Then tha’s that,” he said. They stood there for a moment in silence, Donnie’s face twitching into a frown as he stared at the ground as well. Suddenly, Donnie’s T-Phone started to ring. He let it play for a few seconds before answering.

“Hey, it’s pretty dull over here. How’s it going for you guys?” Leo asked over the phone. Donnie cleared his throat before responding.

“Nothing much. Other than a run-in with some Purple Dragons. Got one good hit on Raph before we took them down,” Donnie said, earning a glare from Raph for how easily the lie slipped off his tongue. Mikey was heard in the background on Leo’s side making fun of Raph for getting hit by such an easy opponent.

“Alright, I’m thinking we pack it in for the night. See you at home,” Leo said before hanging up the phone. Donnie slipped his phone into his belt and waited a second before making eye contact with Raphael, who was glaring back and gently rubbing at the blooming bruise that was starting to form on his cheek.

“Sorry,” Was all Donnie said before they turned and started on their way home.

[mymanyfandomramblings]

Glee-cap: Episode 4x15--Girls (and Boys) On Film

The continuation of my first-time watch of Glee episodic recaps, featuring my live reactions.

Okay, Emma looks so cute in a suit with her hair done up and red lipstick. Old Hollywood styles always look stunning on her

Will meanwhile...I don't like his hair slicked back like that

"You're All The World To Me" seriously suits Jayma's voice so well. I didn't used to really like Emma's voice, but her songs in the last two episodes have been wonderful

"THE HOUSE IS UPSIDE DOWN" I don't know why I find that as funny as I do

Sugar's outfit is truly brilliant. Sugar is truly brilliant.

Sam and his impressions, my beloveds

Sue's rants. I have never felt so seen as I have with Sue, specifically and only because her sentences go on for so long and have innumerable themes, subjects and lists, broken up only with commas and semicolons

"Shout" is super fun, and I never would have guessed that Brittany's voice would sound so good with soul music. My one concern is in the 'little bit softer now' part it just sounds like they've...turned the volume down, not like Blaine's actually singing quieter. That aside, it's so fun.

Sugar lying on the table is hilarious

This is how I find out that Downton Abbey was around in 2013. Also Adam does a very good Hugh Bonneville impersonation. Sam, take notes.

I can't tell whether Kurt's tone is sarcastic when he's talking about 'She's Having A Baby', but it is funny

Also Santana. I am liking her more this season, and I guess her saying offensive things is slightly nicer when she's not doing it in a mean-spirited way (or you know, a comparatively less mean-spirited way)

Kurt's introduction of Moulin Rouge. Comedy gold

I don't always like Kurt and Blaine's harmonies, but they work here

That looks like a great hug. That was an amazing hug.

Santana loves stirring up drama, and sometimes it makes her fun, and sometimes it makes her really frustrating

Although I do enjoy her calling out Brody for being a creep. I don't like him either.

Also Santana rooting through pockets and draws--HILARIOUS. She's doing it with such intensity too.

"You guys pretend to be all accepting and stuff, but when your friend shows up, moves into your home and goes through all your stuff, you're offended?" Okay, I can forgive all of her other offences briefly, Santana is too funny in this episode for me to hold them against her

Adam's accent just makes everything he says amazing

Finn and Artie committing to the bit with the wigs

Emma's parents are so equal part funny and horrible

Adams 'yea' is adorable

I LOVE that the boys have incorporated Artie's wheelchair into their choreo. Allyship fr.

Also, I know Sam was behind 'Old Time Rock n Roll' (a song I rly like btw)

I'm not convinced the girls can top that. It was legitimately an awesome mashup

Marley looks stunning

Girl, why would you ever believe Kitty when she says she won't tell. She's an awful friend.

I feel like all the glee bullies (except Quinn) do this thing where they feel personally compelled to zone in on particular physical features when talking about and to people

Marley, I pray you do not listen to Kitty. She is an awful friend, I repeat. Also her advice has never gotten you anywhere ever

Yes, Unique lead!

Oh my, Marley's voice suits this song to utter perfection *chef's kiss*

Old Hollywood glamour will always suit everyone

Also their mashup is straight-up out of Moulin Rouge, so I'm not sure they should be counted

Adam truly shines in this episode

I cannot not smile when Finn does. The eyebrow-raise, crooked-smile, shrug combo is just so sweet

I can't believe Will got his students involved in the public serenade, but then, this is Will

Emma's nightdress is so pretty

Okay now I know why the students were involved--so we can get this awkward moment when he thanks them and makes them leave

One nice thing about this show is that they do recycle outfits--Emma's coat in this scene is from S2 Sectionals

And they're still avoiding the whole Finn-and-Emma thing. I guess they think drama is better if you let it stew.

"I'm not. I mean, I am. Just not now." Santana, I will not say this often but, I love you

Santana genuinely being very comforting. I am liking S4 Santana

Jake Puckerman and Marley Rose--ilysm.

Oh no, girl. You are not imagining Ryder instead of Jake. Unlike, the Finn/Emma thing which needs to be addressed, I would really rather the Ryder-kissing-Marley thing be dismissed as a moment of weakness from Ryder and they go back to normal, where Jarley are sweet and Ryder is a good friend.

Marley, you need to get him into a good headspace for this kind of thing, not just drop it on him when he's just finished with a Big Romantic Gesture

(one the flipside I am so glad she told him before Kitty did. Kitty's evil successfully averted!)

And the winner is...everyone. (it's obviously the boys, even though the girls looked and sounded spectacular, the boys were original and more creative)

Sugar!!! Love her!!!

Finn finally confesses and like Marley, chooses a poor moment. I do, however, like that he got it all out there, rather than just going with the select information.

Cory Monteith truly was The Actor for subtle facial expressions. He really did put 100% acting effort into Finn

Britt taking off her shoe--love it

[welcome-to-oslov]

Oh man I wouldn't say Bror "doesn’t risk his own safety or freedom to help Tilrey." I mean I guess he doesn't, but that's not like it's a choice. I figure he just knows he CAN'T: he knows & accepts-ish the system so well that he knows there are no options to help/save Tilrey (when his usual approach of advice to Tilrey then idea-planting to Councillors doesn't work). I'm sure he probably tries to get Councillors talking & get them to think up the idea to move (or free) Tilrey. That may have worked on Veran when it was just getting Tilrey unlocked from his room, but it's not gonna fly when it's getting Veran & all of them to go against the General Magistrate - the leader of their party and of the WORLD. The Magistrate can do anything to Tilrey and there's no way out, just like there wasn't with Malsha. Bror tries what he can try I'm sure, but I'm also sure he realizes there's no way out, and like he said this chapter, sure I could do something drastic but then I wouldn't be a kettleboy anymore and couldn't be here for him at all.

Yes! I should’ve added that he doesn’t risk his own safety or freedom because it’s very likely that he would lose both of them in the process—and still not help Tilrey. Bror knows only too well how things work in Redda. Even though Linden is basically just a figurehead that Verán chose to place in power, directly attacking him would be like attacking the whole system; every Upstart would feel endangered by that as a matter of principle. One flick of Linden’s or Verán’s finger and Bror is in prison or moral rehab, family connections or no family connections.

So Bror knows his only leverage is with other Councillors. They think of themselves as moral, and he can lean on that. If Tilrey’s life were obviously in danger, he might have an easier time. It doesn’t help that Tilrey refuses to complain or even to discuss the situation with other Councillors—though Bror understands why. (You can see where the whole “I’m not breakable” thing is going—it’s becoming a point of pride for Tilrey to pretend nothing hurts him. 😪)

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

hey, feel completely free to discard this question if you just don't have the space to answer it--i am aware shit is Busy For You right now lol. i just wanted to ask you specifically because you're the only person on tumblr i follow who has expressed, like... similar restrictions to what i have? similar awareness of what's going on in the world and feelings about it? but no pressure to respond.

that said, you've spoken a lot about being very restricted and limited in your community engagement due to COVID, and like... i'm struggling with that right now. i haven't been able to Leave The House And Engage In Community in actual years at this point, because even with reaching out beforehand and requesting things change, no community-building groups in my area are like... actually willing to even baseline require masking at all, and i'm... very unsafe in those situations due to medical problems, you know how it is. i'm struggling with being able to find community at all, much less figure out how i can actually materially help and build community. i've tried to organize my own structures for building friendships and community support networks in spaces where i run filters, require universal masking, etc, and what has happened is that... nobody shows up, no matter how intensely i try to do outreach about it. it seems like the generally accepted notion, especially in anarchist social circles around here, is that people/structures that require COVID precautions are... overreacting, limiting other people's freedoms, and generally untrustworthy as community.

i just wanted to ask, as someone who's faced similar limitations, do you have like... any advice for how to navigate this and actually contribute to building strong communities and support networks without putting myself and my loved ones in danger? i'm exhausted, i'm burnt out all the time, and i'm pretty much entirely isolated from anyone other than a small handful of similarly-isolated people. i want to Have Support Networks and i also want to do my part to make the world a better place. but i've been struggling for years now and i keep failing in ways i never did pre-COVID. whenever i see posts talking about how the only way to truly make a difference and have support networks yourself is to get offline and engage in your local community, i *agree*, but i feel infinite frustration with the fact that i *keep trying* and it feels like i'm just expected to expose myself + my loved ones to the risk of early death and further disability as the tradeoff for that.

i hope this wasn't too much for your inbox, and again, please don't feel like you have to answer this if you don't have time/energy/space, i hope your move is going well and that you're able to take some time for relaxation and rest!

Hey Anon,

I feel your pain, I really do. And I'm not going to try and pretend that the answer I'm about to give you is a fair or just one at all.

I have made peace with the reality that I cannot control what others do, I can only control my own decisions and actions. What this tends to end up looking like for me is making really careful, considered decisions about my own personal level of risk and protection, trying to utilize pritective mechanisms that I have control over like respirators and santization procedures, home and vehicle air filtration, etc.

Rather than trying to start new spaces from scratch, I have spent time slowly and gently pushing for stronger protective measures within the spaces that already exist and which I engage with. The more I get to know the people I'm collaborating with on projects, the more likely they are to be responsive when I point out that my safety is compromised by lack of COVID protective measures. By building off my relationships with people to make those asks, it feels more doable for people to accept them from me. People don't like making changes for strangers, but they'll often make much larger accommodations for people they know and have grown comfortable with.

I recognize that all of this puts the weight of accommodation on you, as the disabled person. And that isn't fair or right. I'm not answering this question based on what I think SHOULD be true, but rather based on what has been effective for me in the past. It sounds like you're someone who already puts a lot of energy into your efforts to engage with your community, so maybe having that energy be used in different ways will yield results that feel less exhausting to you.

I want to validate up front that this does sometimes mean missing out on events, campaigns, and projects I would otherwise have loved to be a part of because I can't always justify the exposure risks. It also means sometimes having difficult conversations with people I know who have different value judgements about COVID precautions. It can be important to be honest with yourself about your level of risk, your realistic amount of control over that risk, and how much you want to let those factors influence and restrict your life.

We're all human, and we need community as much as anything else in our life. It can be exhausting and alienating to constantly feel as though the world is an unsafe place for you to exist. Unfortunately, sometimes the only remedy to that is to stubbornly insist on existing with love and fire and persistence.

[cor-ardens-archive]

Hi. I read your post about sleep getting better for you. I'm very happy for you btw. I've always struggled with sleeping too. I was able to temporarily move out of family home environment last year that held a lot of trauma for me, and noticed my sleeping *eventually* got a bit better, but then I had to move back home. I experience a lot of nightmares, and feeling 'afraid' to sleep because of this, but also stay up partially because I want to limit contact with my mother. I know this question is a lot. I do see a psych, but she hasn't been very helpful when it comes to the nightmares (or much in general really) lol. So I'm aware finding a better psych could be a good thing, but I've also had a lot of negative experiences, and as I'm in a sensitive place right now I don't know if I feel comfortable opening up to someone else at this time. In summary, do you have any tips at all on healing? (while your in an environment that caused a lot of trauma) or healing sleep? I know this is probably an annoying question (sorry for writing so much) I just wondered if there's anything outside of therapy you would recommend? Don't have to answer by the way, just thought I'd ask. Thanks, and I'm very happy things have improved for you a bit. <3

You don't have to be sorry about this message, I actually appreciate it a lot! I'm so sorry that you struggle with sleep too, it's something that has a huge impact on one's well being.

I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I can share what I've done that has helped me. Keep in mind that this was a long journey (well, it's still ongoing), and it took a long time to start seeing meaningful results. It was also extremely difficult, and there were many times when I would fall back on habits that did not help me. But I kept trying, and now I can definitely see how much I've improved. :)

The regular advices are good and can help. By this I mean the usual "sleeping hygiene" tips: trying to maintain a consistent sleeping routine and wake up time, dimming the lights some time before bed, staying away from computers and phones an hour before bed, avoiding caffeine at night, etc. On their own, they won't heal your wounds, but they do help your body to relax.

I did everything in my power to make my room feel safe to me. This meant locking my door, praying before bed, doing my little rituals, etc. You can't make yourself suddenly feel safe in an unsafe environment, but if you have your own bedroom then you can try to slowly turn it into a place that feels yours. I won't pretend this is easy or even always possible, but it's something that worked for me, and it's probably my number one advice if it's at all possible for you. Do whatever makes you feel safe, even if you find it a little embarrassing (like sleeping with a beloved stuffed animal, for example).

Exercise during the day, if you can! I can't always exercise because of fatigue, but when I do it's very helpful, and keeps me from being too alert at night. I basically tire myself out so I won't wake up every 20 minutes at night.

Don't punish yourself when you can't sleep. If you're too anxious and/or afraid, you can get up, get a glass of water, read a book... do something relaxing that you enjoy, don't force yourself to stay in bed tossing and turning. Knowing I could decide to not sleep was helpful. I'm in control of my decisions, and if I'm struggling then I can get up and do something else. No one is going to force me to stay, least of all myself. I'll sleep when I feel ready, and if I have to wait for sunrise then so be it. Having this assurance helps me feel safer to sleep at night, because it's not an obligation, it's a personal choice.

I hesitate to recommend this because it's personal, and probably doesn't work for everyone, but discussing things openly with myself really helped. Like writing down or saying aloud why I feel unsafe, and what that means to me. Recognizing and accepting the problems I could face at night, such as nightmares, insomnia, sleep paralysis -- just listing down everything that could go wrong, and kind of preparing for them. I think this could make some people more anxious, but it worked for me. I can't exactly recommend it to you without knowing how it'll affect you, but it's something I did. I would think about all the things I feared would happen and which could happen, and I wrote down what they would feel like, and what the consequences would be -- always knowing that in the end I would wake up, the sun would rise, it would be another day no matter what, and simply making myself feel prepared for them. Knowing your fears and preparing yourself against them can sometimes help. For some people, I think it can have the opposite effect.

Also, I would tell myself what I was afraid of but that I rationally knew couldn't happen. I recognized why I was afraid of them but reminded myself those fears didn't reflect my current reality. I could prepare for them in different ways, by making myself ready to face the things I mentioned in point 5.

I think that's it... I'm sorry I can't help you more. This is what worked for me, but it worked slowly! And it's not like I don't have any problems sleeping now, but I do feel infinitely better. And of course I do recommend finding someone you can trust to help you through this process. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist didn't really help me either. However, I did find some people along the way. Also, Nancy from A Nightmare on Elm Street.

[filet-o-feelings]

Fic Origin Story

tagged by @stereopticons @smallumbrella369 and @jesuisici33

What was your first fandom (reading and/or writing)?

I'm fairly certain the first fics I read were Hanson (I remember a fic specifically with a lot of Phil Collins references???), and the first fandom I wrote for and made friends in was Good Charlotte. I have thankfully since moved on from RPF. The first non-RPF fandom I read fic for was Sherlock, briefly, but I didn't write anything.

What was the first story you ever wrote (even if it was never posted) and what made you decide to write it?

Uhh I don't remember and I don't want to dig through my livejournal accounts (I started new LJs constantly lol) trying to find it, but it was probably a GC Billy/Benji. I'm guessing my reason for writing it was that I wanted to make the pretty band boys kiss. The first fic I specifically remember was for The Used/Mest crossover about Quinn mysteriously showing up in town with no memory after waking up in a cave(???) and it was my first serious attempt at a chapter fic and I never finished it and that still haunts me.

What’s a piece of advice you would give to your younger fic-writing self?

Just keep writing!

What’s an early fandom interaction that stuck with you (be it a nice comment, a friend you made, a fic that got a lot of feedback etc.)?

Wayyyy back in the LJ days, I made so many friends, including a few I've met in real life and am still friends with. The comments were (and continue to be!) always so fun and encouraging.

More recently, because I feel like Schitt's Creek is the first fandom I've really immersed myself in, I think just how immediately I was accepted into the fandom despite being very late to the party. Specifically, I remember @stereopticons always including me in ask games from the start and offering to beta when I was new and had no idea what I was doing and crying out for help in tumblr. Also @treluna4 yelling with me about my fic when I was feverishly writing Further North and desperately needed to yell about it. But honestly, every kudos and comment made (and makes!) me so happy and made me want to keep writing. I will never stop screaming about how amazing and welcoming this fandom is on the whole.

Post a sentence or two from one of your older fics, and a sentence or two from a newer one (if you want).

Okay I found one of my old LJ accounts and actually came across the aforementioned amnesia fic, so here's a bit from that:

“Yeah I’m sure, and you’re not an inconvenience. Like I said before, don’t worry. We’ll talk in the morning.” Matt said sternly, making sure the blonde knew that he wasn’t in the way. He didn’t want to create any more worries for him, he surely had enough on his mind. Ironic that forgetting just about everything on one’s mind will only create seemingly more on the mind. Erased memories become worry and fear and millions of thoughts racing to fill up the empty space. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” Matt added before leaving his room and closing the door behind him.

As for something newer, from Everything's Too Cold... But You're So Hot:

They round a corner and the man, after quickly checking over his shoulder, pulls him down an alley before pressing him against a wall and covering Patrick’s mouth with a hand adorned with several wide, silver rings. Patrick thinks briefly that the combination of warm skin and cool metal has no right to feel this nice against his mouth, but then the man’s face is tucked into his neck and his mouth is inches away from his ear and Patrick can’t help but shiver when the hot breath reaches his skin and he registers the words moments after they’ve been spoken: “My name is David and I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. Please, trust me.” 

Too tired to tag. If you haven't been tagged and want to do this, please do!

[avpd-queer]

I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).

I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.