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Let's just say, we need a real-life Tilrey circa Oslov Unraveled denouement right about now (written by me at 2am 11/5/24 🙏😱😩😥)

I’m not the only one who can’t sleep. 😨😨 I wish Bror, Tilrey, and the True Hearth were here right now.

Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight, if you’re in a position to do so. ❤️ And please stay safe.

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"All the Kinds of Broken," Chap. 45

My life is just madness right now, but I need to keep coming back to this story. It helps me deal with all the other stuff. So if you're reading it, thank you!

Anyway, at long last, Tilrey & Bror, going all the way. And a little Ansha POV, I think for the first time.

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Have you ever struggled with writing flaws when it comes to mostly positive characters? Felt like you risked writing a Mary Sue? For example, Tilrey is a very sympathetic character and, especially when young, doesn't have any really glaring flaw. But he always feels so real. Plus once he's older and he has some power in his hands he actually gets truly unpleasant at times. I remember seeing comments that were afraid that he would turn into a straight-up dark character. Were you ever afraid that by writing a clever, attractive, empathetic MC you'd end up with a monodimensional one instead?

It's funny, I worry way more about the opposite—writing "unlikable" characters. In my other writing life, I write a lot of stories with female MCs whom readers don't like for one reason or another. Either they're too shy or they're too blunt and snarky or they're too extra—it's always something!

So it makes me very happy to hear readers say nice things about Tilrey. <3 Maybe it's easier for me to write likable male MCs than female ones, and I should think about why that is. Maybe readers tend to judge female MCs differently (I probably do it myself). Or maybe Tilrey is just my fantasy and I'm writing from the id and not worrying about little things like realism. ;)

Tilrey has had his share of bad moments, though! In the chapter I just posted, he starts a fight with Bror because he's under stress and afraid to just talk about it. (No, it's not a serious fight. ) He can be neurotic and passive and fatalistic. Given what he's been through, it's hard to blame him. But sometimes I wonder if I give Tilrey some of my own faults so I can use him as a way to come to terms with them.

On him they feel less like faults, though, which is interesting. Is it just because he's so attractive, or is there something else? I wish I could bottle up some of whatever I put into Tilrey and apply it to my writing of other main characters.

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"All the Kinds of Broken," Chap. 44

Arrrghh, I wanted to actually finish this chapter, but I decided to make it two chapters so I could post something because I've had so little time to write lately. Cliffhanger warning!

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"Tilrey Bronn in conversation with ColdColdHeart" I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that lil interview! What a lovely idea 🥰

Very true to Tilrey how he tried to deflect your questions -- he does default to trying to keep his feelings hidden, doesn't he? 😏

The thread of underlying sadness around how he imagines his life would've gone, and especially that glimpse of how he imagined fatherhood to be and his (undeserved) self-flagellation of how it went it this life -- wow 😢. I wonder if these thoughts cross his mind more often than even we've seen 😢.

Thank you, it was fun to hang out with Tilrey for a bit! I need more Oslov in my life right now.

Self-flagellation is so Tilrey. 😢 But I hope in the wake of the revolution he’ll be able to spend more time with Ceill and see how well his kid turned out and understand that he was part of the process of raising Ceill to be a good person. He wasn’t Ceill’s only role model, and that’s okay! It takes a village, etc! And the revolution gives Ceill so many reasons to be proud of his dad.

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Random question, and I probably just forgot/missed it in the fics, but curious all of a sudden: how did Tilrey's clothes change after he was freed? About to be 25, Gersha's secretary, no longer a kettleboy (though everyone will always look at him & see that in him, and as secretary he must see & be near all those people constantly who hurt him).

But anyway, back to the clothes!

He hated the stiff, form-fitting, overly elite kettleboy outfits - and in fact they were "wrong" for his level, allowed only because his rulers wanted him in it (for the sexiness, the fantasy, the transgression).

How does he get to dress now, as a Laborer secretary? Does it differ when he's a young man vs later?

Does he feel better in it, in the new clothes (if any)?

Good question! I think I remember a passage in Oslov Unraveled where Tilrey thinks about his clothes and how they haven’t changed since he was 25 and became Gersha’s secretary, and how weird that is, because now he’s twice that age and basically the ruler of Oslov. I didn’t find it, but there is this, from Einara’s POV:

“Einara looked him up and down, searching for signs of his new status. He was still wearing his usual Laborer clothes, though there was no longer anyone to reprimand him for putting on a nice tweed coat or a tunic.”

So, what is he wearing? A “jerkin” and trousers. The main difference is that a tunic is structured with a tight waist and neck and a jerkin is looser. Tilrey’s always been happy to wear these less fussy clothes that don’t mark him out as a kettle boy. It doesn’t even occur to him that in this post-revolutionary world, he could grab an Upstart’s nice tweed coat and wear that over his jerkin. It would no longer be a wardrobe violation! Einara wonders why he doesn’t just wear whatever he wants, because she’s not an Oslov. Tilrey still has all the conditioned Oslov beliefs, to a degree.

What will Oslovs wear after the revolution? Will they ever discover color and self-expression? That remains to be seen. 😉

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When writing Tilrey's epic journey, has he ever surprised you?

Thinking of his big argument with "you" about living in a brothel ;), in the most recent chapter -- his vehement repudiation of what you think he wouldn't mind so much.

Curious how it's been writing a character through such a journey three decades of his life & if he's ever made decisions, taken/not taken action, or felt things you, the author, hadn't expected :)

I’ve been thinking about this! Examples aren’t springing to mind, maybe because I’m stressed out and not finding time to get immersed in Oslov, so I thought I would ask Tilrey about it.

ME: Do you remember any times you’ve surprised me?

TILREY: When are you going to finish the chapter where Bror and I have an overnight in a snowy cabin?? It was just getting good.

ME: Oh, so you like that scenario? I guess that’s not such a surprise. But you know, it feels like you’ve never pushed me toward any particular pairing. You like Bror, you like Gersha, you like other people. You seem to resist monogamy.

TILREY: Okay, so maybe I’m not very good at OTPs? But remember how you used to imagine me breaking up with Gersha and living sad and alone in a dormitory? I said no to that, too.

ME: You also resisted marriage when Gersha proposed to you. You eventually said yes, but with reservations. I think you have issues committing to anything, including the single life.

TILREY: After all you’ve put me through, does that surprise you?

ME: Um, no. Tell me something. Do you secretly regret that you aren’t living in Thurskein married to Dal the way you originally planned?

TILREY: Yeah. Sometimes.

ME: I think you would have been unfulfilled. You would never have led a revolution!

TILREY: Someone else could’ve done that. And I would have been spared so much pain.

ME: I know it’s terrible having Malsha in your head. But he introduced you to so many things! Books, politics, the whole world of Harbour. He expanded your horizons. Aren’t you better off?

TILREY: I guess I might’ve been a little boring if I’d stayed in Thurskein. I have a lazy, go-with-the-flow side.

ME: And Dal would have eventually cheated on you and broken your heart. C’mon, you know it’s true.

TILREY: She does always enjoy starting trouble. But you know, I think we would have had two or three kids, and I would have focused on them just like my mom did on me. I would have made a great dad in Thurskein. The way it turned out instead, in Redda—well, I did my best. That’s the most I can say.

ME: Your saying that isn’t a surprise to me, but I think you need to work on loving yourself.

TILREY: You say that while you’re delaying the best part of my overnight with Bror?! That was a good memory for me! Bittersweet, but good.

ME: It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but we’ll get back to the cabin in the woods. I promise. ❤️❤️

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It's a beautiful last day of summer where I am, and outside in the garden enjoying the nature wondering how Tilrey is enjoying his trip in the Southern Range right now :) Though I am mixing up thoughts of his future self's trip to Harbour haha - that's where he was delighted & thrilled by the warm weather, leaves, bugs... so heartwarming. At least he gets some nice snowy hikes in on these trips with Malsha & Verán 🥹

That’s funny, we’ve been having similar weather (warm, clear), and on my walk yesterday, I started spinning an AU scene in my head. Malsha and Tilrey were taking a long ramble around Malsha’s estate in luxurious exile in Harbour, enjoying the last wildflowers and the first red and orange leaves. 🍁 Malsha was telling Tilrey all about oaks and asters and seasonal cycles. Good times, or at least compared with being in Redda!

But going back to the Southern Range, I had to leave Bror and Tilrey in the midst of their hike to do some other stuff, and I want to get back to writing that tomorrow. So thank you! ❤️ I’m missing them.

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Re: Besha

Besha's still kickin' as Oslov Unravelled reaches its conclusion.

Tilrey knows he's a bad person, always has, but -- he's still never known that it was Besha who orchestrated the Adelbert fiasco, right? That even Adelbert was hesitant & wanted to call it off for being too cruel, but Besha literally didn't give a shit about him as a young victim and how this would hurt him, emotionally and likely physically.

If Tilrey found out now, would he care?

Would it trigger uncomfortable feelings about his younger self as whenever he thinks about those days -- or, in this moment, would he finally be ready to hold feelings of compassion for that boy he was, that boy who formed who he is?

I imagine it would break Gersha's heart to hear how young Tilrey wrote that testimony hoping to be set free.

Oh yes, that would break Gersha’s heart! 😢 Which is probably why Tilrey never told him the story.

But Tilrey does know it was Besha! In Chap. 34 of All the Kinds of Broken, he confronts a guilty Adelbert and pushes him to rat out the person who masterminded their scheme. Adelbert gives him hints and Tilrey makes a correct guess.

This is when he first realizes he might have some leverage over Besha. He knows now that Besha had something weird going on with Malsha, and after he sees that Besha has the scarf he remembers at Malsha’s house, he will understand what a traitor Besha is. He’ll keep quiet, saving the intel for the moment when he can use it.

So Tilrey has never had any reason to trust or like Besha, but Besha is so useful that he doesn’t think about taking revenge on him either. They’re “friends,” but down deep Tilrey will always know Besha isn’t trustworthy and would sell Tilrey out instantly if it benefited him.

So… will Besha ever get his comeuppance? Hint: that’s one reason I’m planning to write an “epilogue” to Oslov Unraveled. There is a bit of reckoning coming!

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"That’s the part that scares him the most: never getting his bodily autonomy back."

He wants that so badly? 🥺

He does! 🥺 Even when he’s choosing to sleep with Councillors to help Gersha’s rise to power, basically continuing some aspects of his life as a kettle boy, it’s about finally being in control and gaining/wielding the power himself.

Would he have been happier if he hadn’t continued to use his body as a tool? I do wonder about that sometimes. But I think it was something he needed to do to work through all those years of having no control.

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Speakinggggg of Easter Eggs, as a frequent Tumblr follower + chapter reader, I feel like I just got one - witnessed an argument between character & author 😅🤯😍

You've mentioned a few times on here that you think that if Tilrey had ended up thrown in a brothel instead of kept as a kettle boy (at the beginning, in the end, in an alternate storyline), it actually probably wouldn't be as bad as he'd fear, maybe even better for him in some ways than being a kettle boy (the camaradarie etc).

Welp, now you've got your answer to what he thinks of you telling him that! 😂😱😢

Gourmanian just had your exact words in his mouth, and Tilrey was so angry - vehemently insisting NO: I would NEVER want that nor be okay with that.

He'd rather end up having to "belong" to another Upstart indefinitely to be his secretary (something he's never wanted & always dreaded with Malsha) than THAT. *That* is too terrifying, awful, and dehumanizing.

I feel we must respect his perspective, huh 😅🥹Tilrey is the victim here, Tilrey is the one having to live through this, and Tilrey feels in his bones that he could never live out his life being consigned into a brothel, not even The Sanctioned 🥺

😂😂 You know, I had the same thought while writing that! Tilrey and I have very different perspectives on this issue!

See, from my own POV, I’ve written a bunch of stories set inside the Brothel that feature the workers there finding solidarity and carving out different forms of power for themselves, so it doesn’t seem necessarily so terrible to me.

But that’s taking the long view. All my main Brothel characters—Kai, Stefan, Einara—were miserable there at first. It makes sense that Tilrey would be petrified of that fate, especially because it could be a life sentence. That’s the part that scares him the most: never getting his bodily autonomy back.

Not to mention that other kettle boys, even Bror, speak of Brothel workers with contempt. It’s like there’s another class system for sex workers, with kettle boys seeing themselves as elites, and Tilrey isn’t immune to that.

Gourmanian isn’t wrong about the camaraderie, but he’s choosing to ignore the exploitative and coercive aspects of the Brothel because they benefit him.

I do think Tilrey could have done okay for a few years in the Brothel, mainly because he would have avoided some of the worst stuff he’s experienced as a kettle boy. But not if he had to stay there indefinitely! Not unless he found a way to become the director like Einara. There’s another potential AU—Tilrey and Einara locked in a struggle for control of the Brothel!

I think we know Tilrey’s thoughts on that, though. 😅 Since Stefan had a similar background but the opposite fate (Brothel instead of kettle boy), I wonder whether he would have changed places with Tilrey?

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All the Kinds of Broken, Chap. 43

This is setting up a chapter that I'm excited to write!

I'm slowing down because of some freelance deadlines and stuff, but I'll keep posting, probably just less often for a few months.

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Okay I love that you put in an Easter egg for yourself 😅🙌

And as for being "fascinated with the different phases of Malsha (who flirted with Dissidence during his youth and only pretended to give it up) and all the people he touched in horrible ways 😈"

This makes me think of something else that must be such a mindfuck for Tilrey:

how insignificant he was. 🤯💔

For how hugely significant Malsha was in his life, Tilrey himself was nothing - just another in a long line of guys Malsha took over for fun. To be made to feel he's the center of Malsha's world while also being nothing but a disposable plaything - a mindfuck. Especially when that experience transforms your whole being, your whole life - but not his.

Tilrey beats himself up for being so stupid, so naive, not fighting back, getting affected so much, being stuck for so long, for years, after it was done.

But in reality Tilrey had no chance: Malsha was very experienced at fucking with teenagers' minds - he'd had been doing it for decades.

It really is an incredible mindfuck! There were many Tilreys over the years. We see how it messes up Adelbert to see that he can just be replaced. Even for Tilrey, who never wanted to be Malsha’s special one in the first place, it’s hard to realize that he was just a tiny part of Malsha’s long career of fucking people over. Granted, Tilrey came along at the end, so Malsha probably died thinking he was the one that got away. But still. The misplaced guilt that you feel because you allowed an abusive person to matter is the worst.

Makes me think about some of the people who treated me in inappropriate ways when I was young. I’m sure they’ve forgotten all about me, but to me those encounters are present every day.

This made me start wondering how Malsha and Artur talked about Tilrey when he wasn’t there. Artur, like Tilrey, was forced into a relationship with Malsha but didn’t hate it all the time, because Malsha can be good company when he chooses to be. When Tilrey comes along, Artur is replaced. But that’s actually a relief, because Artur can enjoy limited contact without being Malsha’s focus. I can imagine Artur teasing Malsha about his infatuation with Tilrey while also probing him for information that might help Artur or Tilrey or both of them.

Artur is a sort of double agent, playing the role of Malsha’s partner in crime while knowing how awful he is and trying half-heartedly to mitigate the harm. 😕 If Malsha had stayed in Redda, Tilrey might have ended up in the same role. At least he was spared that!

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You've been proposed various AUs on here by readers (I'm the one who pushed for an Harbour one haha), which ones interest you the most? I think that some of those what-ifs could also be great for worldbuilding, expanding the world and how Oslov works etc.

Also, all of the AUs so far have focused on Tilrey, he is a great character after all! But did you ever plan a story centered on different characters or even a different time period in this universe?

I love all these AUs! But the Harbour one calls to me the most because I’d love to imagine Tilrey and Malsha interacting in this very new setting and Tilrey starting out frightened and disoriented but then slowly, slowly getting the upper hand!

I’ve had this universe in my head since my teens, so definitely, there were other stories in head canon that eventually became the prehistory of this one. Some of them started in Harbour with the Oslovs as weird invaders. One of them involved Malsha’s ancestor, Edvard Linnett, who was a spy in Harbour and betrayed Oslov after the government got him out of a bad situation but left his Laborer co-spy to die there. So the Linnett family has a history of dissent or just not believing in the system.

There was also a story that was basically just a dry run for Tilrey’s story, very similar but set a few generations earlier. The MC, Beirth Eikengren, is born in Thurskein like Tilrey and forced to become a kettle boy like Tilrey, but for a General Magistrate who is another Malsha ancestor. He’s full-on addicted to sap because it was forced on him. He joins the rebels as a spy and passes them confidential info that leads to the Linnett GM being exiled for his indiscretion. Beirth is sent to moral rehab and undergoes horrific recovery treatment and returns to Thurskein and that’s where the story ends because I couldn’t think of anywhere to go with it. 😁 I put a mention of him somewhere (Unlocked?) as an Easter egg for myself.

There was also a story about a younger Malsha in Harbour, learning to be cold and ruthless from a young sex worker he encountered there, and then one about Malsha bringing a Harbourer to Redda as his kettle boy, but I’m not sure that’s canon anymore. And Krisha! His whole story was in there too. Anyway, I was fascinated with the different phases of Malsha (who flirted with Dissidence during his youth and only pretended to give it up) and all the people he touched in horrible ways. 😈

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Thinking back to the chaos that must've ensued surrounding Malsha's escape and his household & associates being arrested by IntSec, I wonder what the conversations were during those 2wks about what to do with Tilrey?

Did the Island Party immediately take over? Was IntSec reporting to someone about the interrogation results, or was it more like when the dust settled someone in Island (Verán himself? Besha? Saldegren running to them worried?) said, "hey, what happened to that young piece Malsha had?"

Later we know Ranek already knew who Tilrey was: just a studious kid ripped out of school and forced into coming here, prevented from refusing this or escaping. Did he already want Tilrey to be forced to remain & transition to the Island Party ownership, thinking he might be useful someday? Would he have had a way to grant Tilrey his freedom but chose not to?

By the time the group of Islanders arrived to pick him up, they'd decided what they wanted with him and were thrilled about it. 100% planning his degradation. I wonder what those conversations were like?

I wonder too! These are very good questions…

I think the transition period was chaotic, because Malsha defecting to Harbour was the last thing anyone expected. “No one does that! Why would anyone *want* to do that?!” They were caught completely off guard. They wanted somebody to punish, so they told Int/Sec to interrogate anyone who could have known if Malsha had accomplices, and that included Tilrey. But I doubt they ever seriously thought he had useful info. After all, if Malsha kept all this secret from them, why would he tell his piece? Etc.

Ranek had no real incentive to free Tilrey at that point, cynical operative that he is. But even if he tried, I don’t think he would have succeeded. Once the Council stopped reeling from Malsha’s betrayal, and the Islanders took over, they realized they did have someone to punish, someone who could serve as a proxy for Malsha while also being fun and useful to them. And that, of course, was Tilrey. 😔

I think when they went to Int/Sec to find Tilrey, they were still dizzy and drunk on newfound power. Well, that would be their excuse for the things they did, anyway, basically regressing to being bullying schoolboys. But on another level, it was all very adult and calculated. By “having” Tilrey first, Verán cements his power in the Council, even though he’s not the General Magistrate. Everyone he invites to that spring fling is a chosen one. Everything they do to Tilrey is a way of making themselves feel better about what Malsha did to them, how powerless he briefly made them feel.

I’m going to keep thinking about this, because it could also be key to understanding why Linden is so particularly nasty. In his mind, Verán screwed him over when the transfer of power happened, and who will he punish for that? You guessed it. 😢

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An AU popped in my head and I have no idea how it could ever even be an AU since it's so implausible with canon lol, but imagine:

For some reason Tilrey's set free - now, or when Malsha left - but instead of being allowed to return home, he's assigned to be a student at Redda's university because someone looked at his eSquareds. Who knows, maybe there was an unfulfilled spot from Thurskein that year & they realized he should've been it; or maybe, after Davita watched him suck Besha's cock at that lil gathering with Verán, he caught her interest, looked him up, and she realized 25 years ahead of schedule that justice means he should be Raised - that he should be a student, not an indentured servant.

Let's say the Uni kids wouldn't know who he had been. Anyway, imagining Tilrey thrust into the university environment with peers, his job now to study, party, make friends. Original Tilrey would've been so nervous and shy if he'd gone to Uni originally, imagine the Tilrey of now trying to adjust as well as "get over" everything?!?! And omg picturing him finding himself at a Uni party & the guys & girls trying to chat him up and how he'd handle that 😅🥹

(Of course, if it's Davita who worked behind the scenes to get him released, she'd probably expect a similar relationship as the kind she'd demanded from Besha or eventually had with Tilrey anyway... And ofc there's be no escaping Vera's crush haha!)

College AU! This is such a fun idea, I’m trying to think of a plausible way for it to happen. I don’t think there even is a quota of Raised kids from Thurskein—that’s how rare and token these cases are.

But! I can see this happening as the result of some political manipulation that just happens to benefit Tilrey. Davita would be a likely person to orchestrate it, too. Maybe she sees Tilrey’s test scores as an opportunity for the Islanders to demonstrate to everyone how exceptionally decadent Malsha was—he didn’t even care about Tilrey’s merit! Unlike them! But of course they would still be using Tilrey as a pawn in their PR campaign.

Anyway, I’d love to see what this sudden change of fortune would do to and for him. He would still be struggling with unresolved trauma, and then the whiplash of being Raised! And having to deal with Vera! 😅 And all the bigoted legacy Upstarts!

I’ve flirted in the past with the idea of Tilrey ending up with Valgund Linnett. Maybe this is the AU for that? Or maybe he sneaks away from uni to spend time with Bror.

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The reminder of Vexonil, and how sensory-enhancing/control-reducing Tilrey found it, made me wonder. Which sense would Tilrey find hardest to endure being taken away during sex with a councillor or driver?

He was surprised to enjoy the sensation of his wrists & arms being restrained during sex with Gourmanian, but usually didn't like that. Other than that, I don't think he's lost his ability to see, hear, talk, move, or feel certain areas during sex (except for the lack of control on Vexonil and how it enhanced the feeling of being raped, and he did hate being in the darkness and confinement of IntSec).

I think something that made him not in control of understanding what's happening to him would be hardest.

Perhaps a numbing cream where he can't feel being touched on his skin, until he suddenly begins to feel deep stretching and pressure inside or his cock responding? Or waking up in earplugs & blindfold so he can't tell what's going on or who's there as things start, and stop, and start? I feel like Gourmanian & I should get together for a free night, not him & Saldegren or him & Makari 😅🤷‍♀️

I think Gourmanian needs you to give him some inspiration! 😂 He’s been relatively vanilla so far.

I can see Tilrey finding those kinds of sensory deprivation unbearable, because he wants to have control so badly. A numbing cream would reduce the sensations, but at the price of destroying his fragile sense of mastery of the situation. The sense of touch is so basic, so necessary to orient ourselves in the world, that that might be the worst one for him to lose. But losing his sight and hearing would also be very difficult.

I guess you could say that when Tilrey dissociates, he’s distancing himself from the sensations. But he always imagines looking at himself from above or a safe distance, watching it happen, so he maintains the sense of control. If someone else forcibly dissociated him from his own body, that would be different and scary, as with the vexonil.

Or maybe sensory deprivation could sometimes be good, too? Trippy? Arousing? I wonder, since I know it’s used for therapy sometimes. Anyway, thank you for giving *me* some possible inspirations! 😏