#that + i've had a REALLY bad past week and my motivation to do much more than breathe has just been fuckin shot

[la-galaxie-langblr]

what is going on w my brain

[malusokay]

Little things that improved my life 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Accepting my sleep schedule. I'm a night owl; I focus at night, I'm calm at night, I'm motivated at night. For a long time, I tried to fight this since everyone always preaches getting up early, but since I started accepting my natural sleep schedule, I've been feeling a lot better and have become way more productive.

"drink more water". TEA. Tea is the secret here. I will be honest, I hate drinking water; it doesn't matter if I have a cute water bottle or a cute glass, I still hate it. TEA.

Replying quickly. I used to be one of those people who get a text message and think, "Oh, I'll reply to that later", and then just forget about it entirely. Now, I text back as soon as I see the message. This has not only improved my texting anxiety (which I cause on my own by now replying and then feeling bad) but also deepened my connection to my friends. <3

Keeping my circle small and being okay with that. Over the past months, I've had this sudden urge to expand my social circle and get to know more and more people, especially after I moved in August. However, this quickly ended in what I like to call my "social burnout". I was tired, annoyed, and overwhelmed. It took a few weeks for it to settle, but I've come to the conclusion that I would much rather have a smaller circle of people who I trust and love deeply than a huge group of friends, and that's totally okay.

Wearing what I like. Even though I live in a big city, I'd still say that my style can sometimes be a bit more extravagant than what most people wear, another point is that I'm very uncomfortable with pants so I only wear skirts, which is also considered a bit odd where I live. But over the past years, I've come to accept that and have become so sure of myself and found such comfort in my style that I now just wear whatever I like, and it makes every day a little bit nicer.

Reading and writing for pleasure. Reading books outside of my studies and spending time researching topics that simply interest me is such a great way to calm your mind. Same for writing, I always like to say that to write is to think; putting your thoughts on paper in cohesive and well-crafted sentences that you can then reread and think over again is such a liberating thing to do.

Reaching out more. fuck the whole "double texting" and "no contact" thing. If you want to speak to someone because they mean something to you, then just do it. Unless they specifically asked for space, you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be in touch with them. Many even really appreciate it when you show that you truly care. Let's stop the nonchalant act, and instead, let's face deep emotions and true vulnerability. <3

As always, please feel free to share your own little insights and things that helped you improve comments! <3

my insta: @ malusokay

love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[immortalbumblebee]

Chapter 20: Forged in Fire

So two chapters of this series passed 100 notes this week? Holy shit, guys!!! Thank you so much! I've been trying to find as much time for writing between finals, but this is probably going to be the last chapter I publish until the hoidays.

Thank you so much for y'all support. The likes and comments are really motivating.

Content warning for mentions of birth

Masterlist

Working at the factory had become excruciating since you got arrested. Well, it had always been a little excruciating. But it had been especially bad for these past few months once word had gotten out that you’d spent the night at the Enforcer HQ. Your pay had been considerably docked, nearly all your coworkers all but refused to interact with you, and all your supervisors would go out of their way to be right pricks to you whenever given the chance. Morichi had made it clear that you’d almost fully lost your job from the whole kerfuffle.

It was fairly easy to ignore when you were working, primarily just focusing on your work. Sure, your supervisors were bad, but no worse than the chembarons your sort were used to back home. No, what really made it insufferable were the moments between work, like in the dressing room when you could feel your coworkers eyes’ on you, hear their judgmental murmurings. 

Finally shedding yourself of the annoyingly stuffy uniform, you couldn’t help but close your locker with a particularly loud ‘slam’. The room grew silent at this, which only worked to further irritate you.

Fuck this

Storming out of the change room, you didn’t even think as you made your way down the hallway and over to the catwalk that led you to the staff entrance. As you crossed the raised catwalk, however, you found yourself stilling as you passed over the main floor underneath. Down there, you could hear the high-pitched hum of the metal on the conveyor lines. Eerily familiar. As you watched the assembly line workers do their work, you found yourself focusing on the metal parts being put together. Long pipes and complex golden mechanisms. All being locked together and assembled until finally…the all too familiar shine of the barrel of an Encorfcer’s gun. Hundreds, if not thousands of them being pumped out of this factory every damn day.

You’d put the dots together after your arrest, when the Enforcers had stormed the fighting ring. The ringing had been too familiar, like a blacksmith recognizing his own maker’s mark. 

Zeroing in on the cool, familiar texture of the metal, you couldn't resist the urge to lift one hand. A few pieces on the conveyor belt trembled briefly, then floated effortlessly a couple of inches off the ground. With a subtle flex of your fingers, the metal obeyed—curling in on itself with a sharp, satisfying ‘crunch.’ It was almost as if you were breathing—effortless, instinctive, and perfectly in tune with the world around you.

Shaking your head out of your thoughts, you let the metal fall thoughtlessly back onto the belt and went to continue on your way, didn’t even notice anyone around you as you began to march down the catwalk. That is, until you came crashing full-force into a tiny body. Colliding, you both stumbled back, the impact snapping you out of your daze. 

“Oh!” Victoria exclaimed, jumping back. “Terribly sorry!”

“Oh my gods, no. I’m so sorry. I totally wasn’t looking where I was going.” You scan her over, but she looks fine.

“No, no. ‘ts my fault, really!” She waved her hands anxiously, her cheeks flushing. “Are y’alright, miss?”

“I’m fine.” You give her a little smile. “Thanks.”

"N' problem!" she says, just as a few of your coworkers round the corner. The moment they spot you and her standing there, their expressions shift subtly, but it's enough to catch your attention. You can practically hear the hushed whispers starting up behind you as they hurry past, heads down, moving with that practiced air of nonchalance—like they think the two of you are completely oblivious to the thinly veiled judgment they're broadcasting.

“Well now,” Victoria murmurs, “who pissed in their pond?”

“Sorry,” You sigh, lifting your hand to rub the bridge of your nose in annoyance. “Y’may wanna back off from me. Seems like ‘m bit of a social pariah at the moment.”

Victoria shrugs. “Like anyone ‘round ‘ere be given’ me the time of day, anyday? I’m the only foreigner workin’ here, lass. Heard you got yourself locked up?”

“It’s…a long story.”

Victoria seems to think for a moment, looks around (lacking any semblance of subtlety) then motions to the worker’s exit. “Wanna catch a smoke wit’ me?”

As she led you outside, you were immediately thrown off by the unexpected direction she took. Instead of heading toward the usual smoking section, she veered sharply in the opposite direction, heading straight for the bridge. Her pace quickened, and despite your curiosity, you asked her where she was taking you. Without even looking back, she waved you off, offering no explanation.

For a moment, a flicker of doubt crossed your mind—was this some sort of twisted trap? Were you walking into some elaborate murder plot? The thought lingered, but before you could give it more weight, she made a sharp turn down a narrow flight of stairs, just as the bridge came into view behind you. You had never taken this path before, and only now did you realize how easily you'd overlooked it. The steps seemed unremarkable, tucked away beneath the looming shadow of the bridge, as if they were meant to be ignored.

The descent felt oddly quiet, the rhythmic thud of your footsteps mingling with the distant hum of the city. After just a few flights of stairs, the air grew thicker with the scent of brine and decay. You reached the bottom and, as you rounded the last corner, the waters of Pilt River stretched out before you. A small, neglected beach lay before you, its shoreline littered with an unsightly amount of garbage. Old, rusted cans, plastic wrappers, and pieces of broken wood jutted out from the dirt, an unfortunate testament to the city’s disregard for this forgotten corner.

Yet, amidst the debris, something caught your eye. Set into the side of a nearby wall, nearly camouflaged by grime and neglect, was a large manhole. About as tall as Vander, if you had to guess. The rusted metal bars that covered the opening were more than big enough for a normal-sized person to slip right through.

“What…is this?” You asked Victoria. 

‘M not really sure, to be frank.” She shrugged, wandering closer to the giant manholes. “When I first moved ‘ere, I took it upon m’self to find all the points o’ access t’ the water tha’ I could. Even if I can’ be swimmin’ in it, it’s nice just to be close to it y’know? But these…these stuck out t’ me.” She slipped right through the bars. “This tunnel in particular splits off, say, ‘bout half a mile out? Goes that-a ways,” she points off in the direction of the bridge, “righ’ under the river.”

You followed her lead, stepping easily through the rusted metal bars. The air in the tunnels was thick and stagnant, a foul mix of rotting garbage and something else—something eerily familiar. A few breaths later, the stench hit you like a wave, sharp and unmistakable—the pungent smell of Zaun’s mines. It was the same stench that clung to the clothes of the boys when they came home from work, the same tainted air that swept through the slums and left so many of your people sick every day.

"This... this is part of the Underground’s ventilation system," you said, the realization hitting you as the damp walls closed in. "It must have overlapped with Piltover’s sewage system somewhere along the way, when they were engineering the city. Seems pretty par for the course, doesn't it?"

Victoria wrinkled her nose. "Ventilation and sewage?" she repeated, sounding dubious. "That don’ 'ound righ’."

You stifle a chuckle. "Welcome to life on the other side of the bridge." You paused, eyeing the dark path ahead. "But... Victoria, you’re sure this leads to the other side?” 

She nods. “Not far in, I’d wager, but it definitely be lettin’ out on the Promenade. Been there m’self. Tunnels could definitely use some serious upkeep though, I warn. There’ a pretty big leak a good ways in.”

“How many people know about this?” you asked, your mind racing with possibilities.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Who else would I be tellin’, Lass?"

You raised an eyebrow, skeptical. "Then why show me?"

She shifted uncomfortably, casting a sideways glance at you.

“Well, if I’m bein’ honest…you’re the only one at that factory that treats me as anything more than a stupid immigrant that ‘an’t speak. And I figure, if you e’er need to…y’know, I just figure you’d ‘ave more use for this than me.”

Her words hung in the air, heavy with meaning. You felt the cogs in your mind clicking into place. A direct tunnel from the Promenade to Topside. The sheer scale of it hit you like a punch to the gut.

"Lady be damned." You muttered under your breath, shaking your head. The magnitude of what you were looking at was sinking in. You raised a hand and let it slide over the worn stone, feeling the miles of metal pipes buried within it. The structure was ancient, far older than anything you’d seen before. It would need significant repairs before being used for anything substantial, but the potential... The potential was enormous.

“Victoria…” you said, your voice low with awe. “You’ve got no idea how big this is gonna be."

Back at the apartment, you’re more than happy to share this news with the guys. You pulled out the old blueprints—dusty, frayed at the edges, but still legible enough to make sense of. They’d been tucked away for years, a relic from when one of you managed to snag them from Piltover’s archives. As you spread the paper across the table, the lines and markings revealed exactly what you’d hoped for: the tunnel on Piltover’s side was labeled as a sewage system, but further down by the shoreline, it merged seamlessly with the ventilation tunnel that led up into Zaun’s upper levels.

The room grew quiet as everyone leaned in, taking in the implications.

“How bad’s the damage?” Vander asked, his gravelly voice cutting through the silence. His brow furrowed with concern. “This girl, Victoria, said there’s a leak?”

You ran a hand through your hair, trying to recall every detail Victoria had mentioned. “I’m not sure exactly. The tunnels are old, and if there’s a leak, it could be a serious issue. But if I can get in there with Connol and some of the other factory folks, we can probably assess the damage and figure out how to fix it.”

Vander gave you a curt nod, but the expression on his face told you he wasn’t completely satisfied. He was always cautious, always weighing the risks.

Silco, ever the skeptic, leaned forward, his sharp eyes fixed on you. “And your source can be trusted?” His voice was calm, but there was a glint of doubt in his gaze as he scribbled something into the worn pages of his notebook.

You met his gaze, unwavering. “I’d say so. She’s Bilgewater-folk, like me and Ma.” You paused, considering the weight of your words. "I trust her. She wouldn't steer me wrong."

Benzo let out a laugh, breaking the tension that had begun to build in the room. He threw an arm around you in a rough, familiar gesture, his grin wide and infectious. “Trust a gutter fish to be all tricksy-like,” he joked, the teasing tone in his voice lightening the mood. “Good find, Fishie.”

“If we’re able to get this into proper commission, this could change a lot of Zaun’s infrastructure. What if we—” Silco’s words were abruptly cut off as the door to the apartment swung open with a loud crash. The sudden intrusion startled everyone, and you all whipped around, trying to make sense of the noise.

Standing in the doorway, panting heavily and struggling to catch her breath, was Niya. She was disheveled, her work clothes torn and streaked with dirt, as if she’d sprinted across the entire length of Zaun. Her eyes were wide, panic etched across her face.

“What in the blazes—!” Benzo started, his voice rising in surprise and confusion.

Niya barely seemed to hear him as she staggered into the room, clutching her side and gasping for air. “Felicia, she–fuck that was a lot of stairs-she-” She made a sudden gagging sound, her body curling inward as if she was about to collapse. It was clear that she was exhausted, and something about her frantic movements made your gut twist with unease.

“Fel? What’s wrong with Fel?!” Vander sprang into action, running over to help Niya further into the apartment as she continued to hack up a lung. The moment his hands were on her, however, the poor girl all but collapsed into him. 

“The baby!” Niya puttered out. “Fel, she-oh geez-went into labour!” 

The apartment broke out into panic, all four of you crying out in different voices.

“The baby’s not due for another couple months!” Silco’s voice broke out against the panic.

“Seven weeks, but yeah. I know.” Niya gestured to herself, her breath still ragged. “You think I would’ve run all the way over here if it wasn’t an emergency?”

You felt your heart sink as you moved quickly to support her, taking her into your arms, steadying her as she swayed on her feet. “Niya, where is she?” The urgency in your voice was impossible to hide now.

She wiped a hand across her face, trying to push through her exhaustion. “We were at her place. Had a playdate scheduled. My niece, Skye, she—” She broke off, coughing harshly, and then continued, “She ran to get Dr. Yan.”

“And Connol?” Silco’s voice cut through the room, sharp and demanding.

Niya pointed back toward the door, her body still shaking. “Already ran and got him from Heisen’s factory. He should be with her by now.”

Vander, already moving, was the first to gear up. As he laced up his boots, his expression hardened, a stone wall of determination. His voice dropped into that deep, commanding tone that everyone knew meant business.

“We need to move, now!” Vander’s words were quick, measured. “Min, grab the first aid kit, painkillers, any medicine we’ve got. Benzo, emergency water, towels, matches—now! Move it!”

The adrenaline coursed through you, making everything seem sharper, faster, like your mind was suddenly running in overdrive. Your heart beat heavily in your chest as you sprang into action. Your legs felt like they were moving on their own, each step pulling you closer to where you needed to be. You bolted and grabbed the first aid kit, not bothering to check what was inside as you threw it into an old duffle bag. Then, you started grabbing anything else you could find—rubbing alcohol, numbing ointment, gauze strips, painkillers, and any other supplies that might come in handy.

Benzo was already ahead of you, throwing on his jacket and grabbing the emergency water, towels, and matches, his usual lighthearted demeanor gone. His face was set, and you knew that under all the humor, he was as serious as Vander right now.

“We’ve got that shipment coming in from Noxus tonight.” Benzo mentioned, handing Vander the supplies. “But only one of us has to be there to do the hand-off. I’ll meet you at Con and Fel’s.”

You shake your head, handing Silco your duffle. “Two of us go, just to be safe.

Silco’s sharp mind was already calculating their best route, and you could practically hear the gears turning in his head. “Vander, Niya and I can take the path that lets up by Babette’s,” he said, looking over at you all. “If you take the route we take to Lou’s from the promenade, it’ll get you back to their apartment the fastest. Cuts through some of the alleyways, avoids main streets. You’ll be there in half the time than any of the main routes.”

Vander nodded, already moving toward the door. “Good, let’s go!”

***

The tradeoff had taken far longer than expected, and when you finally reached the apartment, Felicia’s piercing screams echoed down the hallway, sharp and urgent even from several doors away. Your steps quickened, Benzo muttering under his breath about the delay as the two of you pushed through the door.

Inside, the tension was palpable. Niya stood near the window, her arms crossed tightly as she glanced toward the bathroom door. The little girl at her side—her niece, Skye—clutched an old book to her chest, her glasses slipping slightly down her nose as she looked up at you with wide, curious eyes. On the bed in the corner, Violet sat perched beside Vander, her legs swinging back and forth as he played with her and an old stuffed rabbit. The moment you stepped inside, she spotted you, her face lighting up like a candle.

“Auntie Min! Uncle Benzo!” Violet squealed, leaping from the bed and barreling toward you.

“Sorry we’re late!” Benzo panted as he stepped over the threshold, ruffling his hair with one hand. “Damn traders wouldn’t stop haggling, and then someone got knife-happy.”

You shrugged off your jacket and hung it over the back of a chair. “I got them to agree to the original price in the end, didn’t I?” you shot back, giving him a sideways glance. “How’s she doing?”

“No major updates yet,” Silco answered, his tone clipped but steady. “But we haven’t had to call in an emergency ride to the hospital, so that’s a good sign—for now.” His eyes darted to the bathroom door before returning to you, his mouth pressed into a tight line.

Violet reached you, arms outstretched, and you scooped her up effortlessly, her tiny frame folding into your chest. She wrapped her arms around your neck and squeezed tightly, her happiness contagious even in the heavy atmosphere.

“Auntie Min, look what Uncle Vander gave me!” Her little hands grasped a little golden amulet tied to a thin black cord around her neck. It was a simple piece of jewelry, but you recognized it easily as a bracelet that Vander liked to wear to important events.

“Wow! Look at that!” You smiled, your eyes casting over to Vander with a raised eyebrow. “That was very nice of him.”

Vander, standing nearby with a proud smile, nudged Violet gently and stepped over to the two of you. He wrapped a secure arm around your waist, pulling you a little closer.

"Tell Minnie what I told you when I gave it to you, kiddo," he prompted, his voice warm and encouraging.

"Umm... if I'm gonna be a big sister..." Violet said really slow, her eyebrows all scrunched up like she was thinking hard. "I gotta remember to take care of them. And... this is gonna be a thing that helps me remember!". She leaned back just a little, her face lighting up with a wide, toothy grin as she looked up at you. Her excitement was so pure, so full of love, that it was impossible not to smile in return. That bright smile, filled with so much promise and joy, made your heart melt in a way nothing else could. You gave her a little extra squeeze and a kiss to the forehead before setting her down.

“You’re gonna be a great big sister, Luv,” Benzo replied, stepping in for a quick high-five that made her giggle.

“Is Dr. Yan in there with your parents?” he asked, motioning to the closed bathroom door.

Violet nodded, her bright pink locks bouncing with the movement as she pointed toward the door. “Mommy’s been in there a long time.”

“These things take time, little one,” Silco said gently as you brushed her hair back from her face. You could feel her energy, her eagerness, and a touch of nervousness beneath it all. She clung to you like a lifeline, her small fingers gripping your shirt.

From the corner, Vander cleared his throat, catching your attention. He looked calm but watchful, his hand resting on the children’s book he’d set aside. “Felicia’s tough. She’ll pull through,” he said in his steady, reassuring tone.

Benzo nodded, his jaw tightening. “She’s tougher than most of us, that’s for damn sure.”

The seconds stretched into what felt like hours, and the room seemed to tighten with anticipation. The low hum of voices behind the door grew, rising and falling in strange patterns, and then it happened—the crescendo of frantic, desperate cries, followed by an eerie, sudden silence. The apartment held its breath. Time itself seemed to stop. Everyone’s eyes were fixed on that door, waiting for the next sound, the next moment, but it was as if the world itself was waiting to exhale.

And then… the sharp, unmistakable wail of a baby filled the space, raw and full of life. It was a sound so powerful it seemed to shake the air itself.

“Oh, thank the gods…” Niya let out a long, relieved sigh, her head falling forward as if the weight of the world had just been lifted from her shoulders. Her shoulders slumped in exhaustion, the tension that had coiled in her body for so long finally unraveling. Skye gently placed a hand on her aunt’s shoulder.

Vander chuckled, a low, rumbling sound that filled the room with warmth. “It’s got a set of lungs, that’s for damn sure.” His voice cracked with genuine amusement, and he gave a small shake of his head, still eyeing the door as though waiting for the next sound, the next sign. Violet, unable to contain her excitement any longer, made a move toward the door. Her small feet pounded against the floor, eager to see her new sibling. But before she could take another step, Vander was there, quick as ever, sweeping her up into his arms with a gentle but firm grip. "Not yet, kiddo," he said, his voice soft but clear. "You’ve gotta wait for your parents to let you in on their own time. Okay?" Violet pouted slightly, her small lips curling into a frown, but she nodded, her eyes still trained on the door. 

And wait you all did, for yet another set of long moments, Felicia’s cries now replaced with that of the infant. The rest of the group tried to busy themselves as best as they could—Benzo and Skye even began washing some of the dishes that had been left in the sink, their clattering almost a distraction from the tension hanging in the air. 

Violet, content to be held by Vander, made faces at him, trying to distract herself. Conversations about business and idle chatter filled the gaps between those breaths, but none of it mattered. Not really. You couldn’t escape the waiting, the anticipation. Everyone in the room had been drawn into the same orbit, eyes occasionally drifting toward the door, hearts waiting for the next moment to arrive.

And then, with a soft creak, the door to the bathroom opened. The room fell utterly silent, as if the very air had been sucked out of the space. All eyes turned toward Connol, who stood in the doorway.

He looked dazed, weary, his face a mix of exhaustion and elation. His hand rubbed over his face, as if to wipe away the tension of the past hours. For a split second, panic flared in your chest—something about the way he looked, so tired and worn, unsettled you. But then he looked up at all of you, his eyes catching yours, and he smiled.

“It’s a girl!”

The apartment erupted in a wave of cheers and clapping, the tension finally breaking as everyone poured out their relief and joy. Vander and Silco both lunged at Connol, enveloping him in an enthusiastic embrace that was almost too aggressive for the moment, clapping him on the back hard enough to nearly knock him over. Connol, despite his exhaustion, laughed, wrapping his arms around them in return.

Violet, who had been playing with Vander, was suddenly all movement. She wriggled free from Vander’s grasp and darted across the room, her small legs carrying her quickly toward her father. Connol, still smiling wide, scooped her up into his arms, pressing a kiss to her hair and snuggling her closer to his chest. She giggled, the joy on her face as radiant as his.

“Are they both okay?” Silco asked, his voice a little rough with concern as he gripped Connol’s shoulder tightly.

“They’re fine! Perfectly fine!” Connol grinned, shifting Violet to his hip as he addressed the room. His voice was brimming with pride. “Yan wants to keep the baby in an incubator for a few days just to be sure, that’s where she is now. She might have a little trouble breathing, but…” He paused, looking down at Violet, then back at the others. “They’re both going to be okay.”

Violet’s eyes widened, her small hands tugging at Connol’s shirt. “Can I see Mommy now?” she asked, her voice filled with the kind of innocence and urgency that only a child could muster.

From behind the bathroom door, Felicia’s voice echoed out, soft but clear, though tinged with exhaustion. “You promise to be gentle and careful, sweetie,” she said. “Especially around the incubator.”

Yan poked his head out from the bathroom, his weathered face creased with lines that spoke of years spent helping others. He gave the room a reassuring smile. “The bleeding is minimal now, so long as Violet can handle a little post-birth gore,” he added with a knowing chuckle.

“I can handle it! I can handle it!” Violet exclaimed, twisting and wiggling her way out of Connol’s arms before taking off in a full sprint toward the bathroom. Connol watched her with a mixture of amusement and pride, a soft laugh escaping his lips. His eyes softened as he let out a long, weary sigh.

“Seven weeks early…” he muttered, his tone low, his hand rubbing his tired eyes. “I’ll admit, I was terrified.”

Silco, ever the steady presence, gave Connol’s shoulder another pat, his expression serious but supportive. “Yan’s practically delivered every baby in the Lanes for the past 20 years. They were in good hands,” he said, offering his usual reassurance.

“I know, but still…” Connol trailed off, his voice still carrying the weight of the fear he’d carried with him through the night. Then, as if a thought suddenly struck him, he turned his gaze toward Silco and Niya, who had been talking quietly in the kitchen. “Actually, speaking of being in good hands…” he started, his tone shifting to something more deliberate. “Fel and I were talking, and… we want you two to be her godparents. With Vander and Min being Violet’s, it just felt right, you know?”

Niya’s eyes widened in disbelief. She nearly squealed as she stepped forward. “Are… are you serious?” she exclaimed, her voice cracking with excitement. “Oh my goodness, Con! I don’t even know what to say!”

Silco, his usual calm demeanor never faltering, smiled warmly and extended his hand toward Connol. “I think I speak for both of us when I say we’d be honored, and we won’t disappoint. She’s in good hands, I swear it.”

Then, as Connol took his hand into a firm handshake, Silco paused, “Does she, uh…you know, does she have a name?”

Connol’s smile widened. “We talked about that, too. We were waiting to decide when she came out but,” he gave a nod, his expression full of love and certainty. “Powder. Her name is Powder.”

[klxudykai]

things i've manifested over the past week

i didn't really manifest a whole bunch before this week because i felt like it wasn't working for me up until i realized i just needed to be persistent- (i know im goofy asf you can throw tomatoes at me now LMFAO)

i don't have much of a "routine" if anything it's short and simple. i usually do it when im tired because i feel like me being in a "sleepy state" of mind works better. then i just affirm. but i apply the affirmations to what im doing. so ill say smth like "with every breath i take i get this" or "as im falling asleep i get this". ill even mix it in with affirmations that sound like i have whatever im manifesting and ill say it casually too. like "oh yeah i have this it's pretty cool or whatever". i even visualize that i have what im manifesting and it makes it a lot more believable (i feel like if i can see myself with it, then its possible if that makes any sense)

i dont continue to affirm though because then if i do i dont go to sleep (ESPECIALLY when im trying to shift) and thats why i also add to the affirmation "as im going to sleep" because i feel like that makes me more sleepy. i dont even realize i fall asleep either so it helps a lot.

anyways i thought id share some of the things ive been manifesting considering ive been doing it pretty much daily:

i manifested that i would be in shape for volleyball at school since thats about to start back up soon and my coach wanted us to get a gym membership but i havent worked out once (havent had any time or motivation)

for a while i WAS manifesting that someone that i knew at my old school would transfer to my current school but something in my head was like "nah its not worth putting in effort" so i dropped that (but i have a feel that had i kept manifesting it, it wouldve happened)

i had really bad cramps one night so i affirmed that they would go away as im trying to sleep and they would be gone in the morning (safe to say that worked)

manifested that i have confidence (SPECIFICALLY the confidence that megan thee stallion and sabrina carpenter have)

while also manifesting more confidence i also manifested that people would want to hang out with me more and im desired (may have added a guy into that manifestation??)

its not anything big mostly cause i wanted to start small rather than bite off more than i can chew. its also cause i have a hard time believing my manifestations would work so i decided to just start small with them. also with the second manifestation that i dropped, thats not the first time ive attempted to manifest something and my head told me to just drop it. i dont think its meant to say "oh no that won't work" but its rather protecting me or smth (intuition came in clutch???) but yeah im not stressing about it considering i have all the things ive manifested and i can have so much more.

i dont have much to say anymore, but for the people that doubt manifestation, dont. that shit is real im telling you. if you persist and truly believe you have it, you got it. you dont even have to do much you could just slip it into a conversation or say it before you go to sleep and it will be there. persist, persist, persist. im so fr when i say it works yall. - coming from someone who thought none of my manifestations would come true

[cocoatonedcurls]

become an academic weapon 📚🔫✨

hi all !!

with my GCSEs this year, and only a few weeks before back to school, I decided to really lock in yesterday 🫣

so I thought I'd take all the info I've come across while scrolling through studytok and put it into a little post for everyone looking to improve in their studies (& for my benefit as well 🙈)

motivation

this is probably the biggest factor when it comes to locking into your studies, motivation can quite literally make or break your academic achievements (😦)

so, its very important you motivate yourself, and moreover, stay motivated 😭

i've made it sound daunting but motivating yourself is lowkey easier than you think, here's a few ways to do it:

picturing yourself in 10 years, where all your studying and hard work has paid off - you can't be that person without doing the work that they did 😬

you can also do the opposite of the above - imagine how disappointed you'll be if you didn't work as hard as you could have and failed

"revenge studying" - the most toxic yet probably the most widely effective technique - working hard so you can beat than the people who are better than you

make studying aesthetic - create pinterest boards, look at quotes and tiktoks, make success your greatest desire

make it an addiction - if you're bored? study. had a bad day? nothing like setting yourself up for the best future. having a great day? go make it better by making yourself smarter.

get a motivational study app - i LOVE 'Study Bunny' I've been using it for two days now and it genuinely motivates me to be more productive to keep my bunny happy 🙃

resources

obviously, you need some help where you can get it despite all the controversies surrounding studying and the use of the internet, there are some amazing online resources you can use that will actively help you 📚

Quizlet/Anki - both of these flashcard platforms are incredibly useful - Quizlet is a fun platform and you can search for flashcards made by other people - Anki, in my opinion, is better than Quizlet for memorising, and you can import flashcards from Quizlet.

Mindnote - A mindmap making software online, a user-friendly interface + is quick and easy to make them - Great for visual learners

YouTube - the teachers on YouTube are incredibly helpful and can explain any topics you're confused about very quickly and very thoroughly

Spark Notes - great for English literature, with in-depth analysis of your texts and modern translations

Physics & Maths Tutor - free past papers and topic questions for core subjects and a few others, great for active recall

Study Bunny/Flora - helps keep track of your progress and keeps you motivated, I recommend Study Bunny because I can see how much work I've done of each subject and tick off things on my checklist

these are just a few out of many other resources so go do some of your own research, especially if there are websites that help with a specific subject

techniques

different study techniques work best for different people, no technique is a one-size-fits-all, some people are visual learners, others perform best by memorising & etc.

active recall - the only one-size-fits-all method - is a cognitive function that you carry out to remember things in tests, so practising this is a must -> the best way to do this is by completing topic questions and past papers using minimal amounts of notes. basically just testing yourself before the actual test

Spaced-out revision - one of the best ways to make sure things stick in your mind, revise a topic/subject and revisit it every few days, eg. 1, 3, 5, 9, 15, 30; and by the 30-day mark it should be stuck in your mind because your brain believes its something that you need to know in the long run and stores it in your long term memory

Flashcards - great to memorise content for the test, especially subjects that are tested with orals

Scribble method - scribbling on a piece of paper while revising the content in any form, reading, listening, etc. helps your brain store the information you're consuming more effectively

Feynman method - basically just explaining the topic you're revising to someone, this helps you develop your understanding and catches out any areas you're unsure about to revise later

making mindmaps - this is great for visual learners, especially if you use different colours for each section of the map so that you can associate each concept with each colour and recall them easily

again, those are just a few that come to mind. do your own research and find out what works best for you 😇

while studying

knowing how to study effectively is also a crucial aspect of success (obviously) 🤭

here are a few tips:

don't listen to music with lyrics, instead you can listen to lofi tracks, cafe/library asmr, brown noise, jazz music (my favourite)

set yourself a study slot, like 2 hours every day at a specific time & set a focus filter on your phone for the duration of your study time

make an aesthetic/cute study space so you can enjoy your time in that space and it doesn't feel like a chore

get a whiteboard to make learning more interactive & fun

light a specific candle whenever you're studying so your brain knows to associate the scent with working

have regular breaks eg. every half hour for 5-10 mins

reward yourself afterwards, so you associate studying with a good experience

consistency is key, the more you study the easier & more fun it becomes 🙃 the more you study the more you are likely to succeed and fulfil your dreams ✨

remember though, academics is not everyone's thing:

"you cannot judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree"

everyone is good at something, and it doesn't make anyone lesser or greater 🫶

if you try your best, that is all that matters 🫠

- li 🌘

[irrealisms]

that bright, clear line liner notes

fic here if you haven't read it!

the title comes from that one animorphs quote about ruthlessness. it's one of the things that immediately springs to mind for me whenever i think about s4 spoke. the fic is... not actually about that, really; it's about the aftermath of that. getting to point B and looking back at the wreckage and going oh, fuck. something that struck me in his newest video which provided a lot of the inspiration for this fic is how much-- in s4 he is so purely goal-directed; everything he's doing is always for this, and no matter what happens, his only thought is how do i spin this back in my favor, with no thought given to collateral damage or irl feelings. and then, afaict, as soon as s4 ended and he actually thought about the past year he went “holy shit that sucked so bad”

my backup title for it was let future historians wonder from, uh, burn from hamilton. yeah, i know. but this fic cares a lot about ... what you do and don't make a matter of public record. choosing to keep some relationships and conversations private. controlling the narrative. parrot ultimately taking himself out of the lifesteal narrative altogether. and on a different level, i joke about feeling like a historian in my approach to unstreamed events and relationships on lifesteal, trying my best to piece together guesses about what happened from a varyingly biased and patchwork record. and it's also fun bc, well--hamilton is also fiction about real people :P

this fic was very much sparked from conversations i had about the most recent spoke video; i mention this in the end notes but i'd like to give extra shoutouts to @void-chara , @myrmica , and @taiey for conversations they had with me about the newest spoke video. this fic might still exist without those but it'd probably be different.

something i've been thinking about a LOT is the way that spoke is deliberately sort of cutting a lot of himself off from the audience? and the way that neither spoke nor parrot streaming means that the NPPP, from dupe war to end of server, gets a lot more privacy (and deliberate, post-hoc control over the narrative and information flow, when they do end up making things public) in their fallout than, say, eclipse did. and spoke himself, from very early s4 until Like A Week Ago, just... does not mention the NPPP in his videos. in his dupe war and wormhole videos he has to edit around its existence, it's not just that he's making videos about other things, it's very much him making a deliberate choice to leave it out. there's a bunch of possible motives you could extrapolate there--i tried to suggest a few different ones in the fic--but it's interesting to me! this is also a big part of uhhhhh why this fic had to be rpf and not something in character on the lifesteal server.

i like the little character note where spoke is really judgy of eclipse in general and zam in specific for the amount that they are emotionally vulnerable on stream. and then is like "wait no shit i'm trying to be a better person". that was one of the first things that popped into my head when i got the idea for this fic

all video view counts are accurate. when possible i tried to check wayback machine for an approximation of how many views they had at the time, since the fic starts in 2023. in general i tried to be as accurate as possible but i'm much less knowledgable in general about anything they do off-server so it's totally possible i got some details wrong lol

it was fun to write spoke and parrot bc they are both so oriented towards content. in different ways admittedly but like. spoke is ALWAYS thinking about views. he cares sooooooo much about the algorithm. and content is the implicit motive for a lot of lifesteal but i don't usually make it as explicit as i do in this fic bc, well, i'm usually not writing rpf! but in this fic the viewpoint character is just. CONSTANTLY thinking about specific view counts, which videos do well, how well they do in comparison to each other, what affects that, and i get to really draw that out. my beta for this fic, @fitmc , wrote me a lifesteal drabble once, formatting, and the author's note of it lives in my mind forever. The posing of himself for the camera. The fact that Lifesteal players are as sweaty about YouTube growth as they are PVP.

parrot on the other hand is oriented towards content in a way where.. a huge part of their conversation where spoke apologizes is that parrot can't quite bring himself to be mad because. it was good content. parrot keeps repeating that, and it's... when you sign up for lifesteal you're signing up for people to fuck you over for good content. that's the job description. he trusted spoke, not only in the way where he trusts spoke's words, but in the way where he trusted spoke to make the apocalypse a good video for parrot. and it was. so in some ways it was only half a betrayal? the unforgivable line for parrot would be if spoke had done that and it wasn't even good content. (extremely normal way to relate to your friend hurting you.) but parrot's...still upset, because it is still a pretty major betrayal of his trust. and so he switches to making content where Doing Fucked Up Mind Games To Your Friends In Real Life is NOT part of the job description. (also a lot of other reasons, the obvious one of which is "pays better and more consistently without a corresponding increase in work". but, yknow, The Way Lifesteal Is is also part of it.)

also writing about the fact that spoke blew up when he was 14 is. well i already knew this but also. Oof. spoke in this fic is NOT thinking about this as horrifying at all, he thinks it's awesome, but i the author think it's kind of horrifying. fame in general scares me & i have a particularly ambivalent fascination towards the sort of fame where your entire life is a story you're telling. if you've read enough of my other stuff you probably already know this. fourteen!!! that's a kid!!! and while he's 18 now as of a few days ago, even this fic starts when he's 16, like....he's so YOUNG. it's fucked.

“of course” is kind of a motif here. at first parrot is the one to say it to spoke but then i had a vision and edited the fic a couple hours after posting so spoke now says it back at the end.

i think this is... kind of weird for rpf? like--don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to claim any sort of superiority over other rpf writers. but it's also very focused on the fiction they are creating and the process of it, and almost entirely disinterested in their general personae or in aspects of their life that...aren't that. what can i say, i have specific demons. but like...most people who have demons primarily about a fiction and don't care as much about the author's life, including me, don't usually write rpf! i'm not sure i would write rpf of anything that wasn't lifesteal, bc my demons are so tied to the fiction, but lifesteal is so weird with c/cc dynamic that ... idk. writing rpf of them felt like what i wanted to do to process my feelings around the story they created together on lifesteal, bc ... the story they created together on lifesteal is in many ways the same as the story of them becoming best friends irl. when spoke goes far enough hurting parrot in lifesteal, he hurts parrot in real life. they're not easily separable. arguably this changes when parrot leaves lifesteal altogether and removes "~ic, as part of the story being told on lifesteal" as an option on the table for their interactions but this only pushes it further towards rpf in terms of resolution for them & therefore also for the story they told on lifesteal. idk! interesting to think about

i wrote this fic in like. 6 hours. and then did a couple edits the next day. total time between "starting the fic" and "publishing the fic" is only barely over 24 hours. i was possessed by the spirit of rpf i think

i haven't actually watched any unstable. i'm sorry.

[gamebunny-advance]

Let's Just Rip Off This Band-Aid (Kliff Doll Repaint)

I still haven't finished adding the fringe to his scarf, but at this point, I don't think y'all will actually care that much. It's a personal project anyway, so I'll just finish it on my own time. Right now, I want to be released from the shackles of this project.

Once again, my poor camera and lack of editing do him no favors (he's got a real bad case of jaundice in that first pic. I PROMISE he's not that yellow-orange IRL ;o;), but he is (mostly) done.

Well, he was (mostly) done like a week ago, but just yesterday I decided to redo a few things to try and "fix" what was really bothering me about him, so I really made recursive progress. That said, I do like him more now than I did a week ago, so I'm not mad about it.

A little backstory: Alongside Kun3h0, I've been working on him for the past month, so I've been pretty occupied with this project for a while. Now, I do wonder to myself why exactly I thought making this would be a good idea. All I can really say is that my impulsive tendencies drive me to do things against my better judgement.

But, I will still give y'all my documentation and thoughts on the process + more pictures.

(I'll talk a little more about it later, but for those of you that aren't going to go through the long-ass readmore, the Neon J. mask is a reference to an old comic I drew.)

(It's so old, I was still writing everything by hand~)

So, the "real" answer to "why" I made this is really as simple as "because I could." As I said in the Kun3h0 post, I've been wanting to repaint dolls for a long time, years even, so in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking of ways I could finally start one.

Well, recently I just finally put together the ideas and motivation I needed to start. And of course, that was with Kliff.

I don't remember *exactly* how I stumbled across everything, but I do recall looking at doll clothes online and stumbling across this trench coat (pictured with the other clothes for this project).

(I took this pic mostly because I thought I was going to take pics of every major step of the process, but that didn't end up happening).

I thought it was pretty darn close to Kliff's coat, and I got the horrible idea that, "I could def make a Kliff doll to go with this coat as long as I can repaint it."

I feel like usually people would think the other way around, but that is basically the truth of this project: I didn't find clothes to fit the doll, I made the doll to fit into the clothes. Because for me, customizing the doll wasn't really the intimidating part: it's making the clothes. I don't know how to use a sewing machine, and currently lack the patience to learn (and due to some personal trauma that I don't really want to get into), but I can hand-sew, so starting any project that involves it requires me to be willing to set aside a lot of energy for me to do it, which I don't often have.

But, if I could find ways to cut down on the sewing, then I'd be more willing to start. And somehow, I was able to find just about everything I would need for a potential Kliff doll without having to sew anything. In the end, I only sewed together one thing, and it's the one thing that isn't actually finished: the scarf.

So, I blame the trench coat for the entirety of this project: if I'd never seen it, I would have never made a Kliff doll. In fact, I got the clothes before I even had the doll.

Since I was brainstorming this project, one of the most important parts is of course the base doll, which was tricky. Male doll repaints are fairly uncommon, especially of older men, so there weren't a lot of resources or places to get inspiration for this project.

From what I found, most male (fashion) dolls were very youthful, and the ones that weren't usually took heavy modifications to achieve, which was out of the question. Kliff was supposed to be an "easy" project, so on top of not wanting to sew any clothes for him, I also didn't want to have to alter the doll that much to make it look like him. This was a lot to ask for without putting in any personal work, but in a way, this goal was supposed to keep me from actually starting this project: really this whole thing was supposed to just live in my head as a fantasy as most things do, but then I just stumbled into the right set of things, so I couldn't stop myself from going through with it.

The doll I landed on was a BTS Mattel doll. Now I've said before that I know basically nothing about BTS, and that is still true, but that's beside the point. In my research for finding a suitable doll to work with, I found out that a popular base were these BTS dolls. At first, I wasn't into it because I was still running into the "youthful face" problem that I was with other brands: most of them had pillowy lips and nice soft faces, but I did eventually find one that I thought was close enough: J-Hope.

(It's not the worst match up.)

I don't have pics of my doll before I started working on him, but it was pretty close to the stock photo. He has much thinner lips than the others, and a taller, more angular head shape that I thought would work best for Kliff. I did worry a bit that the nose wasn't "strong" enough to really be Kliff (and IMO, it wasn't XP), but it was the closest I found yet, so I decided to bite the bullet and get one, and if I had one, that meant I needed to start gathering everything I would need for this project.

So, no backing out now.

Now, actually acquiring this doll was a whole other song and dance, but here's the part that's important for how the process went:

Due to a miscommunication with the seller I eventually got him from, there was a delay with shipping, so I didn't actually get him until weeks after "officially" starting this project. In the meantime, the clothes and things for Kun3h0 (who I started as an impulse project within the impulse project) had already been gathered.

The original plan was that I was going to work on and subsequently post about Kliff first since he was a comparatively simpler project. All the things I was avoiding for Kliff: sewing clothes and making modifications to the doll, were all going to be incorporated into Kun3h0, so she was theorhetically going to take longer and be posted later, thus telling a small story of "starting simple, ending complex." But since I didn't have his doll, but didn't want to delay working on Kun3h0 just to wait on him, I started on her and repainting his clothes anyway.

So, I don't have any pics of the doll or his clothes from when I was working on them, unlike the sparse ones I had for Kun3h0, I only have pics from after he was finished.

But I'll still tell y'all what I can to at least preserve the story.

For starters, repainting this coat was probably the most time-consuming part of this process.

I really thought that it would take one or two days maximum to turn this coat bright yellow, but I think it actually took over a week. And I really should have known; the coat was a medium tone, and I know that yellow takes a while to build up on anything that isn't light. I lost count at some point, but I swear that thing has over 20 coats of paint on it. Mind you, the first 10 or so coats were watered down with the textile medium, which also contributed to how long it was taking for the coat to take color, but at some point I just got so frustrated that I stopped mixing in the medium and painting directly onto the coat to get the color to layer faster. This is a huge no-no for painting acrylics onto fabric, lest the paint crack from creasing the fabric, but I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I needed this thing to be dandelion yellow NOW or I was gonna lose it.

There were consequences for taking that shortcut, such as the paint cracking in high motion areas and the coat getting stiff, but it's not terrible. In the end, I accepted the trade-offs or else I might still be painting the coat. Perhaps one day I'll reverse engineer the pattern for the coat and make him a new one, but I wouldn't count on it. In retrospect, I wonder if I would have had an easier time if I had thought to bleach the coat first?

As you might notice, I contoured/shaded part of the coat in orange. That's something that I actually *just* added yesterday and added another couple of hours to the work time. It was just bothering me that the doll was essentially a giant slab of yellow, and was part of the reason I didn't like it very much. But I got inspired by this repaint to try contouring the coat to give it more depth.

(I also used this person's videos to modify the hands. He has one deidcated to just reshaping the BTS hands.)

In the end, I'm pretty happy with the results.

The rest of the clothes weren't as difficult to deal with.

The pants took the paint a lot better, likely due to being dark paint on a light surface. Since I used less paint, it's not as stiff as the coat and still go on very easily. Though, they are VERY high waisted, and I'm not sure if that's normal XP

The shoes are also painted (and slightly modified), though I had to paint them twice because the first time, the paint got stretched off when I tried to put them on the doll's feet: the shoes were just *slightly* too small for the feet of the doll, so they really get stretched to fit his feet, and his heels don't actually go in all the way XP.

He's still capable of standing on his own, but I try not to remove the shoes, so I can avoid having them crack again.

In my "initial clothes" pic, I put down a different shirt than the one he's wearing. The original plan was to repaint the shirt black, but my work space is very limited, so I couldn't really repaint three pieces of clothes at once without significantly risking that I would stain other things. In the end, after getting scarred by how long it was taking for the coat to take color, I decided to just give him one of the black shirts that came with the coat. This does make him somewhat inaccurate since the current shirt has flowers/plants on it, but I'm gonna say that they make up for the lack of flowers on his scarf. Maybe someday I'll make him a new shirt from an old sock or something, but for now, I don't think it's a bad look.

Other clothing of note is the scarf, but since it's not technically finished I didn't take any close pics of it. It's actually made of an old headband of mine that I just cut and painted to look like his scarf.

Originally, I had actually glued on ribbon to it for the stripes, which took a couple days for the drying, but because I couldn't flatten out the scarf to easily glue the ribbon, it turned into a mess and bulked it out too much: since the scale of the doll is already small, I really needed to keep the fabrics thin. This was especially important for the scarf since it was going to wrap around his neck: if it were any thicker, it was going to practically eat up his face, which it still does, just less so.

Speaking of face...

When I finally got the doll in the mail, I started working on him right away, so I don't have any "before" pics of the doll.

After I did the usual "wiping off the face and pulling out his hair," I started with repainting the entire body and head.

Despite Kliff being ambigously "WHITE 🫵," Kliff isn't as pale as the original doll. I'd say even the stock picture I posted above has more warmth than the actual doll did. So, I got the base to be "coral" all over, dusted him in light orange chalk pastels for contouring, and most of his details are outlined in shades of burgandy. I didn't take any nude pics of this doll, but he is countoured all over his body and you can rest easy knowing I gave him some nips XP. But maybe someday I'll show y'all doll!Kliff's washboard abs XP.

TBH, I did want to detail some tattoos and some body hair too, but I just didn't trust myself to do either of those well with the tools I have (my brushes aren't thin enough, and my hand not steady enough for those kind of intricate details). Maybe someday I'll at least get his tattoos in (and after I've actually designed them XP), but we'll see. I don't plan on having the doll in short sleeved clothes very often, so details like that are the least of my concerns.

TBH, I was pretty proud of how the face paint originally went on. I really took my time to make sure it went down flat. It really was beautifully smooth~

But disaster struck.

I had painted the head while it was still separated from the body, and when it finally came time to reunite them, the paint on the head cracked and peeled when I shoved it back on. And, foolish fool that I am, instead of accepting my losses and starting over from a perfectly clean head, I just peeled the lose ends and repainted the exposed parts, which of course made the paint uneven. I somewhat justified this with the idea that most of it would be covered by other details, but in retrospect, I really should have just started over properly.

But, after that ordeal was over with, it was time to actually work on the face.

I can't clearly remember if I worked on Kun3h0 or Kliff's face first. I think I worked on them simultaneously because it took me a LONG time to actually get the courage to work on Kun3h0's face.

I thought I did a decent job on Kun3h0 since I really only had the 1 eye to repaint (the hidden eye is painted, but it's basically just a void with no details), and it was a bigger "canvas", so it was easier to paint. Besides having 2 eyes that I would need to make nearly identical, they were also a lot smaller, so it took a lot longer to paint them in a way that satisfied me (and since it's not easy to "redo" acrylic paint, his eyes lost a lot of smoothness too).

Again, I don't have any "before" pics, so it won't be easy for me to convey my troubles about it, but I do want to say that I think Kliff with a closed mouth is very cursed.

:I

He just looks like he's itching to say something heinous and that is no different for the doll.

It was so difficult for me both match his expression on a face that wasn't *completely* his and still look like him. Although I chose this doll because he most resembled Kliff, he was never gonna be a perfect likeness of him, but despite knowing this, it still bothered me that the face was still just very "young" looking.

Granted, I don't think the original Kliff looks *that* old either (if I didn't know any better, I would assume he was in his 30s, not his 50s, especially compared to other characters around the same age), but still not as *smooth* as the doll is (even with my paint mishaps).

If you can believe it, the face actually used be worse. I don't have pics of it, but like the coat, I actually repainted his face yesterday to again try and fix what was making me dislike it before. I think the problem is that I didn't outline the eyes as much as the final one (like, I don't think I lined his undereye at all), so he was lacking depth. The mouth was also a little more off. Instead of being like "<--->" it was more like "|-|"

(A rough illustration of what I'm trying to describe.)

So, while it's still not perfect, I do like him more today than I did a week ago.

I think the only things left to talk about are his accessories, starting with his wig:

I'm not actually a big fan of the color. When I started this project, I wanted to try and make him as accurate as possible, and the original Kliff design has a very "cherry jolly rancher" hair color.

However, how I draw him and how he appears in Encore Edition gives his hair a more red-orange tone which isn't as intense. In the end, I opted for accuracy towards his first design since that's the one I was technically most familiar with and wanted to replicate, but in retrospect, I should have realized that I was never gonna be able to seperate my personal quirks from this personal project, so I should have gone with a color that was more accurate to how I interpret him. (I dunno if I would have gone as far as to give him triangular eyes, but one of my biggest takeaways from this project has been that I should have just allowed this to be "my take" on the character instead of trying to be "accurate," meeting in the middle, and satisfying neither condition.)

I don't think I really got across how much I HATED brushing out yarn for the wigs when I posted Kun3h0. It was just such a tedidus process, from brushing it out, to straightening it, to gluing it down. It was such a mess. I'm still finding loose wisps of yarn hair floating around my home since I made them.

Since I had more than had my fill from making Kun3h0's wig, I once again started taking shortcuts when it came to Kliff: I really should have made more wefts for him. I figured since his hair was (compartively) shorter, that I wouldn't need to make as many, but in the end his wig turned out both too thin and too thick.

Since his hair is so messy, I didn't follow any kind of guide for his hair like I did Kun3h0. I basically just glued around the perimeter of the cap, horizontally on the inside, and made sure it would fold over in the front.

Part of the problem is that I made the wefts too thick: instead of just gluing down what could actually touch the surface of the work area, I wound up gluing layers on top of each other, so the wefts would be like a mm thick when they should have been less than half of that. So, I barely got enough coverage for the scalp, and the parts that I did get down are very thick. I think it makes his head look bigger than it should which kinda adds to the uncanniness of him.

I did try to style it as close to canon as possible, but there are some things that just aren't (easily) possible in certain mediums, and Kliff's wild hair is one of them.

In retrospect, I probably should have just sculpted his hair with clay or something: it probably would have been more accurate, but I don't have much confidence in my sculpting ability, and again, I didn't want to modify the doll that much, so I stuck with the yarn.

I might suck it up and try and make him a new wig, I still have a LOT of red yarn left over, so maybe I can make him some new styles too. But the tedium of going through with it makes it very unlikely that I'll follow through~

(The wig from other angles.)

Since the beard is made from the same yarn, I'll lightly talk about that. There aren't too many resources about bearded dolls, but I've seen people root it, glue it, and even just paint it if they weren't supposed to be thick. In the end I used this repaint for reference (suggestive content warning) and glued it on.

The scarf covers most of it, but I think it turned out okay. I need to add just a *little* more to his left cheek, but otherwise I feel like I was successful.

Next, it's usually hidden due to all the crap that's on his head, but I did give him an earring.

I didn't think about it until way too late in the process, and I tried to poke a hole through his ear so he could actually wear it. However, when I tried to do so, I almost ruined his head paint a second time. Saying, "fuck that," I decided to just glue it on.

If I had been more brave with modifying this doll, I might have just resculpted his ears entirely, because, being based on a real life human being, the doll's ears don't flare out that much, so they're easily covered by other things.

His glasses are just a piece of painted plastic that hold to his face using some plastic cord. They fit well while his wig is off, but putting them on with everything else is a goddamn nightmare.

Since his ears are so small, and his hair is so short, there's nothing for the glasses to "grab" onto without the cord, but the cord is too short to fit around the wig once it's on, but I can't make the cord longer to sit over the wig, because the glasses need to go over the headband, and it's a pain in the ass trying to layer everything like that.

So, I have to put the glasses in place first, TAPE the cord to his scalp so they don't move, put on the wig, then put on the headband. It's really such a hassle, but I don't think I can truly convey the annoyance of having to do it all without showing you. So, unless I absolutely have to, I'm never taking any of those things off him again.

I think the last things are the headband, mask, and tablet.

The headband is just a spare scrunchy that I have. I don't have one in the *exact* same color as the real one, so I went with the closest one I had, which was this teal color.

I didn't feel comfortable repainting one since it's essentially an elastic band, I don't think the paint, even with the textitle medium, would be able to hold up to all the stretching I have to do to even get it on his head.

If I happen to find a white one somewhere in my stash, then I might try dyeing it using water and acrylic paints to see if I can get it green, but for now, I think this works. A little thick, but it works.

The tablet is just a piece of foam painted with paint markers and the mask is a piece of cardboard. I wasn't planning on really recreating any scenes with this doll, but since I remembered that comic, and thought it would be easy enough to make, I went ahead and made it as an in-joke to myself.

Honestly, I think it's the most charming piece of the entire ensemble. Plus, he can wear it without me having undo/redo any of his other head accessories, so it's easy to make him wear it whenever.

My final comments about the doll itself are that he's fucking huge. I should have taken a pic of him next to Kun3h0, but he is too tall to even fit on my display shelf without sitting.

(Please ignore any mess you might see in the reflection. This is just one of the only flat pieces of furniture he can stand on without me standing on something to take a pic.)

Despite my interests, I don't actually collect dolls (I'm more into figures and plushies), so I wasn't expecting him to be so big. In fact, Kun3h0, who would be considered a small to medium doll in collector's spaces, was also bigger than I thought she'd be, so you can imagine my surprise when I got my hands on him.

So... I don't really know where I can put him. He obviously can't live in front of my TV, but beyond being too big for my shelf, he also doesn't fit in with any of my other collectibles. And I'll be honest, the contrast of him "clearly not belonging" among my more "kawaii" items was a motivator in starting this project, I live for the gap moe after all, but in practice he really just sticks out like a sore thumb. (This is also why his first pics are in a slightly different location without many props. I just couldn't put together anything from my collection or find a spot among my things to take a good thematic pic with. The magazines/CDs he's with are from my dad's collection.)

I do have space at higher elevations in my room, but it's kinda off putting to have him staring down my room, looking like he's plotting something (my space is too small to ignore it). So I dunno what I'm gonna do with him. I did have plans to make him some... cuter outfits so he wouldn't stick out as much, but that requires sewing, and I'm kinda worn out from this project.

In conclusion, despite my troubles with this project, I'm not entirely displeased with the results. At the very least, it was an experience, and one that I might even be willing to do a third time 👀...?

But for now, I'd like to rest and maybe go back to drawing again. I feel like I haven't drawn anything "real" for a while now. We're inching closer and closer to the next follower milestone (4 digit number BA-BY!), so I'd like to at least get back to being good enough to sketch some stuff for y'all soon~

[supernaturalscribe67]

Euphoric

Words: 3,587

POV: 3rd Person and brief 1st Person

Pairing: Gabriel x Trans!FTM!Winchester!Reader

Warning(s): Fluff, Language, Dysphoria, a single mention of Deadname (D/N), self-hate, mention of past self-harm, attempted self-harm, hurt/comfort

Summary: Dysphoria can hit at any moment, and when it hits, it hits hard. The reader is going through a tough time with the way he looks, doubting himself and the people around him. When he feels at his lowest, ready to seep back into his old ways, his boyfriend, Gabriel, is there to help him out.

Request:

Hi I've been binge-reading your stories recently and I was wondering if you could do this request. :)

So a Gabriel/FTM!Reader where the reader is dealing with really bad dysphoria (possibly mentioning past SH?) and a comforting Gabe? Possibly with an established relationship?

(Would be so fucking rad if he Sam and Dean's younger brother!!)

Tysm even if you don't do this, I love your work so much and it's helped so much recently

@genekies

A/N: I'm so sorry this took so long to get out, hun! A lot has been going on at work that has taken my focus away from writing. However, I finally found the inspiration to write this with the help of my Supernatural novels that I found hidden away in a box! I really hope you enjoy this story and that it brings you some type of comfort! Feedback is greatly appreciated!

Much love~

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Good morning, sugarplum!

Sorry, I couldn’t be there when you woke up this morning. Duty calls. I’ll be back later tonight! I hope you have a good day! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! &lt;3

Your Casanova,

Gabriel

Why do some people wake up with an already negative attitude? A multitude of factors could be the cause; relationship issues, low self-esteem, stress, unhealthy thoughts, and lack of sleep are just a handful of possibilities. Some have their reasonings read out to them by a licensed professional they pay an arm and a leg to visit every couple of weeks, while others lack the funds and/or the proper motivation to cope, so they bottle it up inside, casting it away to the darkest depths of their mind for weeks, maybe months. They ignore the feelings they get, the troubles that stalk them, until the bottle inside of them fills to the brim. It shakes and stirs, begging for release. It spills out, slowly at first, but then the pressure becomes too much to handle, and it combusts. 

And (Y/N) felt like he was about to explode. 

Nothing looked right. His jawline wasn’t sharp enough, his curves were more pronounced than ever, his binder didn’t make him flat enough, he was too short, the hair on his face was barely considered peach fuzz at that point, and his eyes - yes, his eyes - screamed femininity. Screamed female. Screamed everything about you is wrong. Screamed;

You are not a man, and you never will be.

It wasn’t often that his gender dysphoria acted out as bad as it had that day. Sure, there were times when he woke up and the negative thoughts just never seemed to go away. The thoughts that made certain parts of him look wrong, misplaced. Rarely had his mind told him that everything about him was wrong. Rarely did his mind tell him he wasn’t the man he wanted to be. But, when those thoughts arose, they hit him hard, as if he got struck by a semi-truck going eighty on the interstate. It hollowed him out and made him a shell of his former self. A shell that was slowly wilting away. 

His brothers were the first to notice his shift in demeanor. While he normally came into the kitchen every morning with a goofy grin on his face, a smile was nowhere to be seen. His head was cast down and he barely spoke a word to either Sam or Dean. Another thing they noticed was the lack of exposed skin he had. Usually, (Y/N) would walk out of his room clad in a t-shirt and shorts in the morning. That day, he wore a hoodie, sweatpants, and socks. The temperature in the bunker hadn’t changed, so it wouldn’t make sense that he was cold. If he had been, he would have complained about it for the rest of the day, yet he didn’t say a word. Instead, he silently got some coffee and sat down with his brothers at the table. He didn’t engage in conversation. 

Later on, the three of them sat in the library, heads buried in books and computer screens. They would typically sit around, and talk about potential hunts or random information that they had found. (Y/N) acted the same way he did when he was in the kitchen, though. He was physically present, but nowhere near as mentally present. His head was down, the cord from his earbuds wrapped around his phone, which was sitting next to the book he had been reading. It didn’t even seem as if he was actively reading the text. It had been ten minutes since he turned the page. 

Sam leaned closer to Dean, who sat next to him. “Does he seem off to you?” He asked in a low, quiet voice. 

Dean looked up from his computer and glanced over at his youngest brother. He hesitated, studying him for a moment before he nodded. “Yeah, something’s wrong with him. Has he said anything?” 

Sam shook his head. “No.” 

“Do you think it has something to do with Gabriel?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe?” 

Dean pursed his lips for a moment before he turned back to (Y/N). He leaned over and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. (Y/N) lifted his head to look at his brother and, for the first time that whole morning, their eyes connected. Dean noticed something almost immediately. His eyes were empty, void of any emotion. (Y/N) took an earbud out.

“Yeah?” He asked, voice low and monotone. 

“Hey, man, you doing okay?” 

(Y/N) looked away for a moment. “Yeah?” He shook his head and shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You just seem a bit off today.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“Did something happen with Gabriel?” Sam asked. 

“No? I said I’m fine.” 

“Ok, well, obviously you’re not,” Dean said. “What’s going on?” 

“Nothing!” (Y/N) spoke in an exasperated tone. 

“(Y/N),” Sam leaned forward, palms flat on the wooden surface. “If something’s wrong, you know you can tell us, right?” 

“Nothing’s wrong! Will you two stop fucking bugging me!?” He exclaimed. 

(Y/N) slammed his book shut and shoved it away from him. Quickly, he stood, stuffed his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, and stormed out of the library. Sam and Dean’s eyes were attached to him until he was out of sight. Dean and Sam shot a glance at one another, both of them opening their mouths as if to say something, but decided against it before they went back to their work. 

(Y/N) was numb, aside from the small annoyance that had bubbled up inside of him from his brothers’ persistence. One common trait that was distributed through all the Winchester siblings was the lack of willingness to talk about their emotions. It was an ideology that was beaten into them when they were younger and first got into hunting. Bury your emotions deep within, don’t let them show, and don’t let your enemy know your weakness. Hell, don’t let your allies know your weaknesses, either. They’ll turn their back on you if they see you at your lowest. Stay strong, hide your feelings, and don’t let anyone in, even if it’s family. 

When he made it back to his room, he walked over to the small dresser that was pressed along the far wall. Beside the dresser sat his tennis shoes. He grabbed them and put them on. He walked back over to the dresser, opened up the top drawer, and rummaged around in his undergarments for a moment before he fished out a pack of Marlboro Reds. The box was slightly creased, the plastic rustling in his grasp. It had been a while since he had a cigarette. He hadn’t felt the need for them, but he could feel the stress and anxiety grumble inside of him. He needed something to clear his mind. (Y/N) placed the carton into his hoodie pocket and left his room. 

As he made his way past the library archway, he was stopped by his brother’s voice. 

“Where’re you going?” Dean piped up. 

(Y/N) stopped in his tracks and turned towards them. “Out.” 

“Out where?” Sam asked. 

“Look, I’m just going to take a walk around the bunker, that’s all. Going to clear my head.” 

Dean and Sam shared a look. “You sure?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah,” (Y/N) shrugged. “Just need a breather is all.” 

“Alright, well…don’t go wandering too far.” 

“I won’t.” (Y/N) shared a small smile. 

Sam and Dean returned the smile as (Y/N) turned his back on his brothers and headed up the staircase toward the front door.

 

The afternoon sun slithered past the canopy of oak tree branches. Orange, red, and yellow leaves shined bright, painting the dirt floor like a kaleidoscope. About half a mile from the bunker, a dead tree had fallen during a heavy thunderstorm several years prior. The trunk has since been embedded in the ground, forming a natural bench in the middle of the forest. This was where (Y/N) had gone to clear his head. 

He sat at the edge of the log, back slouched, elbows resting against his knees, and hands hung limply between his legs. The smoke from his lit cig wafted upward towards the treetops. The end of the cigarette slowly withered away, a small amount of ash falling upon the autumn leaves. His eyes were cast down and glazed over, the thoughts in his mind running at a hundred miles an hour. 

You’re delusional. A man? No one would ever consider you a man. You look nothing like a man. Nothing like what you want to, and you never will. You’ll always look like the girl you were born as. You’ll always be (D/N), and there is nothing you can do about it. Sam, Dean, Gabriel? They’re all lying to you. They’re feeding into your delusion because they feel bad for you. They don’t love you or support you. They’ll never see you as a man. Never have and never will.

(Y/N) lowered his head as he brought the cigarette up to his lips. He inhaled deeply, feeling the burn of the smoke filling his lungs, before he brought the cig away from his mouth. He tapped the end of the cig, the ash falling onto the ground. As he shifted, the sleeves of his hoodie lifted, the remnants of depressive episodes from his past peeking out through the cotton fabric. His eyes shifted to the discolored scars. He could remember how he felt when he first made the scars. The relaxation he felt afterward, the relief. It was a distraction from the pain he felt within. It was a distraction that he desperately craved. 

For a moment, he looked at the end of the cigarette. It was slowly dwindling to half its original length. He shifted it in his fingers and brought it to his wrist, stopping right before the end of the butt touched his skin. He hesitated and contemplated. (Y/N) closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and moved the cig closer to his arm. 

“Hey Sugarplum,” the voice came out of nowhere. 

(Y/N) let out a startled shout, the cigarette fell to the ground as he turned toward the sound of the voice. Sitting beside him on the log was Gabriel, his signature smirk etched onto his lips. (Y/N) sighed and leaned down, grabbed the butt, brought it to his lips, and took a final drag. He then lifted his foot and put the cig out on the bottom of his shoe before he flicked the remnants onto the ground. He placed his hand on the log and exhaled, the smoke leaving his lungs and creating a halo around his head. 

“A little birdie or two told me you went on a walk. The little birdie also told me you weren’t feeling the best.” Gabriel said as he reached an arm around (Y/N)’s shoulders. 

(Y/N) could feel himself instantly relax at Gabriel’s touch, the tension leaving his shoulders. So much was going through his head. So many emotions beating at his heart, begging to be released, begging to be expressed. Yet something was stopping them. 

“I’m fine,” (Y/N) said, his voice soft. 

The smirk was gone from Gabriel’s face, his expression turned more serious. He inched closer to (Y/N) so that their sides were pressing against one another. He pulled him close. 

“You know that’s not true,” Gabriel whispered. He pressed his nose against (Y/N)’s cheek. He ran his fingers through his hair softly and soothingly. “I can hear everything going on in your pretty little head, sugar, and I know that it’s not quiet.”

Gabriel’s closeness was comforting, something that he had been craving all day. The longer Gabriel sat next to him, the more relaxed he felt, yet the demons were still scratching at the inner crevices of his mind. With the mixed feelings he experienced, it was all so overwhelming. (Y/N) recognized the familiar prickle of tears appearing in the corner of his eyes. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” Gabriel breathed as he wrapped his arms around (Y/N)’s body, pulling him as close as he could, his head resting on Gabriel’s chest. 

(Y/N) sniffled as he allowed the tears to fall, something that didn’t happen very often. Something he would, normally, not let himself do. Be vulnerable. Vulnerability is what gets you killed in the hunting career, and there was no time for that. Still, the warm feeling of Gabriel’s arms wrapped around him made him feel at home, made him feel safe, and told him that it was okay to let himself go. 

Gabriel rubbed (Y/N)’s back. “Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?” He asked quietly. 

(Y/N) hesitated for a moment as he clasped his hands together. He rubbed the back of his knuckles, a soothing gesture he learned from a young age. “I don’t…” he trailed and let out a sigh, shoulders slouched. “I don’t look like a man.” 

“What?” Gabriel furrowed his brows. 

“I don’t look like a man, okay!?” (Y/N) exclaimed and moved away from Gabriel, standing abruptly. “I mean, look at me! I’m so short and feminine! Look at my hips! Look at my face! Everything about me is wrong. Everything about me isn’t what it’s supposed to be and it’s killing me.” (Y/N)���s voice got louder, frustration evident in his tone. 

The tears were freefalling, and (Y/N) did not attempt to wipe them away. Gabriel simply stared up at him, listening, a saddened expression making its way across his face. 

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and see nothing but a body that you hate? A body that you don’t want to be in? That you feel like you don’t belong in? It feels like my life is a lie, that I’ve just been kidding myself when I said that I could finally be the man that I always wanted to be. Everything that you or Sam or Dean have said about me, validating my emotions, supporting me through everything, was just some pathetic pity party in an attempt to make me feel better about myself, even though, deep down, I know I’m not going to look anything like I want to. I’m not going to be the man that I’ve always dreamt I’d be because I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this worthless body that I was forced to have and I can’t do anything about it. I want…” 

The tears were coming faster now, his words becoming shaky, almost unintelligible. 

“I want to be happy…but I look at myself and I just can’t.”

Gabriel stood and walked over to him. “(Y/N), look at me,” he reached down and cupped (Y/N)’s wet cheeks, lifting his head so that he could gaze into his reddening eyes. He used his thumbs to wipe the tears away. “Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” He had a smile on his face. 

(Y/N) sniffled. “What?” 

“I see a handsome, strong, brave man who risks his life daily for the people that he loves. I see a man with a heart of gold, who would do anything to make other people happy. I see the most handsome man on the face of this planet, the most wonderful man that my father had ever created. More importantly, I see your soul.” 

“My soul?” 

“Yes, your soul. I see how bright, beautiful, magnificent, and glorious it is. How perfect it is. The man you truly are.” 

(Y/N) looked down at the ground. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Gabriel’s middle. Gabriel wrapped his arms around him, running his fingers through his hair. 

“I know it’s hard some days. You look at yourself and don’t like what you see. You feel like there’s nothing you can do to change it. That people aren’t going to see you for who you are. I hate to break it to you, sugarplum, but that’s all I see.” He chuckled deeply. “All I can see is the man you are. The man you were meant to be. And some days are going to be harder than others, you're going to beat yourself up more than you should, and that’s okay. Because, in the end, you’ll get through this. You’ll gain your confidence back. You’ll see yourself and finally say ‘This is me’, and I am going to be with you every step of the way.” 

Gabriel leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the top of (Y/N)’s forehead. 

“Because I love you. Every part of you. The parts that you like and the parts that you don’t like. I love it even more when you’re happy with yourself. When you love yourself. And even if I pop in one day and you’re dressed as an Oompa Loompa with a five-foot-tall bright green and yellow mohawk and a beard the size of Gandolf’s, then I would still love you.” 

(Y/N) snorted and let out a short laugh. “You’re ridiculous.” (Y/N) shook his head. “An Oompa Loompa?” 

“Hey, it’s not my place to judge if or when you decide to dress up as an Oompa Loompa.” 

(Y/N) rolled his eyes, a smile curled into the corner of his lips. Gabriel brushed his wet cheek with his thumb. 

“Feeling better?” He asked softly. 

“Yeah, a little.” 

“Good, I’m glad. And I’m proud of you.” 

(Y/N) furrowed his brows and glanced up at Gabriel. “For what?” 

“For telling me how you feel. If I know anything about you Winchesters, I know that that wasn’t easy.” 

“It wasn’t. But…it felt good.” 

Gabriel nodded. He leaned down and pressed a soft kiss against (Y/N)’s lips. When he pulled back, he stared lovingly into his eyes. 

“You’re my person, (Y/N). The person that I love and care for, and if you ever feel like this again, just give me a shout and I’ll be there faster than you can get my name out of your mouth. I never want you to be alone when you feel like this. You don’t deserve to be alone through this. Promise me that you’ll call me next time you feel like this?” Gabriel’s hands trailed down from his face to his arms and stopped to grab his wrists gently. He rubbed them softly through the sleeves.

(Y/N) opened his mouth and hesitated. “I can’t promise, but I’ll try.” 

“That’s all I needed to hear,” Gabriel smirked and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “Now, do you want to go back to the bunker? We can cuddle on your bed, and watch some of those terrible reality TV shows. I think I have a bit of an addiction to 90-Day-Fiance.” 

(Y/N) smiled. “Do you mind if we sit out here for a little bit? It’s a beautiful day out and…I’m not quite ready to go back inside yet.” 

“Of course, anything for my sugarplum,” he leaned forward, his nose brushing gently against (Y/N)’s. 

“Thank you,” (Y/N) whispered. “I love you. I don’t deserve you.” 

“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong. You deserve the world and every beautiful thing in it.”

“I don’t want the world. All I want is you.” 

“Then have me you shall. Forever and always.” 

“Forever and always?” (Y/N) lifted a hand, his pinkie finger sticking out. 

Gabriel smirked and chuckled. He lifted a hand, hooked his pinkie onto (Y/N)’s, and looked deeply into his eyes. 

“Forever and always.”

My Dearest (Y/N),

I’m writing this, not as one of my regular notes, but as a reminder to you. I want you to pack this away somewhere safe where you can take it out and read it whenever you feel down about yourself in any way. 

You are strong. You are brave. You are handsome. You are perfect. You are loved. You are you. 

I know it’s hard to see yourself in a positive light at the moment, and everything may seem like it’s closing in as if nothing is going right and it will never get fixed, but, just know, you’ll make it through this. Just like you’ve done on multiple hunts, you will prevail. You will conquer the enemy, even if that enemy is yourself. 

Remember, you don’t have to fight this battle alone. I’m here for you, and so is Sam and Dean. We all love you so much and we want you to be happy! We love seeing your smile when you walk into a room. You brighten our day just by being you, and nothing will ever change that. 

If you need anything, anything at all, just think of me, and I will be there for you. We can watch your favorite movie and I’ll even bring you some of those little dessert cakes you like from the cafe I took you to on our first date. Even if you don’t want to talk to me about it, I want you to know that you don’t have to suffer in silence. Not while I’m around. I’ll always be by your side, no matter what you go through. 

I love you,

Forever and always,

Your Casanova, 

Gabriel

[inkwell-passion]

When Time Stands Still

Time slows to a halt, just like I wished. Finally, I can work all I want, my needs and bodily functions frozen with everyone else. I sit down to research my next subject, to better explain the technology within my world.

It's unbearably dull, and I'm not sure why. Right before I wished it was the most enthralling thing, but now it feels like I could be doing better things with my time. so I get up, grab my phone, and go walking.

The walk is quiet…eerily silent, I stop in at the library and try to find a book that interests me, I literally have all the time in the world, so why does none of these interest me? I wish I could explain it, or at least talk with someone about it. They'd never believe me, "What do you mean that you had no desire to do anything when you had all the time?", They'd ask.

The Library didn't help, and walking through the forest feels wrong, so I head back to my room. I reopen my draft of a story and sit, watching it for a bit as if expecting it to write itself, but it never does, obviously. I reread the last chapter time and time again, trying to gather up the motivation in order to continue writing, but it comes oh so slowly.

Eventually I am able to write down a good 500 words, before tabbing to something else, a single-player game that keeps my interest for a few hours in the past, but before I can even press play, I feel a pit in my stomach. I get back up and head down to kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee out of a desire to taste something, not because I really needed it.

The coffee tastes….wrong, not bad, but it doesn't hit quite right. Did I use the wrong roast? Maybe I should look into that.

A week passes, and I still haven't gotten much work done, another 200 words here, 50 words there, it's agonizingly slow to find motivation and inspiration, my room has practically become a prison due to my best efforts to get myself to write.

In that week I've done several small things, learned more about the roasting process for coffee, picked up a good 20 new books that I may never read, even started to learn how to draw. I'm not very good at it, but hey, it's something.

Before I know it, 3 months have passed without any contact with anyone else, my book got a few new chapters in it, I've finally done that technology post for the fictional world I'm working on. Everything just feels dull. I have all the time in the world, yet I'm barely getting anything done. It's infuriating.

Maybe having too much time, is just the same as having too little. Maybe whatever higher power granted my wish wanted me to learn a lesson.

Maybe I'm just broken.

[genericpuff]

so, i'd been stalking your blog in silence for the past few days/weeks because i used to be a huge fan of LO (i paid patron, was on the discord, own merch and a volume, spent money on fast past for over FOUR years). but as it happened to most fans, i got frustrated and gave up fastpass, and for a while i was trying to stay away from LO critiques because it just made me mad to realize something that was a comfort thing for me was bad all along (and i didn't wanna go full blown anti-LO) but i just finished reading your analysis on the mid-season finale and oh my god dude.

the retcon on how persephone feels about apollo after over 4 years of seeing her hate him because of what he did nearly pushed me over the edge. i feel sick to my stomach, this has to be among the worst things rachel has done and i just wanna say thank you for bringing it up and talking about it so eloquently. i'm a victim of SA and its comforting to see people in the fandom take it as seriously as it should be.

also LO rekindled is a breath of fresh air, thank you for creating it and putting so much work into it <3

Aw man, it's wild when I see people go through the pipeline of realizing LO has issues, mostly because it's a common attack on the critical community that everyone in it are just a bunch of "trolls and haters", but really, a lot of us started in the same boat as you, myself included. I unfortunately just missed the Patreon era, but I remember when I was a diehard fan of LO, it was one of the biggest facets of my friendship with the person who introduced me to it, I would literally be swiping my app refreshing it over and over again in the last seconds leading up to new updates trying to get the episode to just load, I drew fanart, I even did a tattoo of it once for that same friend who got me into it, and yes, I was really pissed that there was an anti community surrounding it.

It's crazy to think back on those times. I do miss how the comic used to make me feel, but at the same time, I know there's no going back to that time so I try to make the best of what I have now within the critic community, and what I've gained since then in terms of dissecting and discussing literature.

I feel so much for your feelings regarding the SA plot, I'm also a victim of SA so it was one of the biggest plot points that drew me into the comic in the first place, so it was really hard to truly realize what the series had become as the SA plotline took a backseat and the characterizations fell apart. It felt like something that I had gone through - and many others who also related to Persephone's struggles - was being used for cheap drama and that feels especially apparent now with how the series seems to be backpedaling it, or at least, replacing it with different motivations to make Apollo the villain, almost like it's an attempt to distract us from the SA and make us want to see his downfall for reasons that Rachel can quantify in a more black and white "good vs evil" kind of way.

I'm so glad you like Rekindled, I made it for people like you and I who loved LO once upon a time but mourn for what it once was before it turned into what it is now. It's been such a cathartic project for me and I'm so happy that others enjoy it too <3

[maelysgriffonne]

New fixation unlocked fuck me :D!!!

So I've been really into the QSMP right now because I had a very bad week interm of motivation and physical health, my wrist was really hurting and my back was a pain in the ass, plus I was getting tired way to fast so I couldn't do much but watch videos and streams.

So the got me into the QSMP throught the French streamers, and right now I'm hyperfixatating on it (especially Etoiles, love the man). And I've going over my design for the characters.

Here it is but it's just a wip:

So has you can see I already done Bad (past version and current one), ElMariana, DanTDM, Luzu and Philza, and I'm currently doing Fit. But also already do Pomme even if I'm not that happy about her design and will maybe change it a lot.

(Click for better quality)

That all I wanted to talk about :)

[lord-squiggletits]

I was at a "making friends" kind of social event just this past week and ended up having two subsequent conversations with different people that gave me an interesting reflection on my own reasons for writing without me even intending to make the conversation about it.

First conversation: The person talked about the feeling of awe from being at a music concert and how incredible it is that so many complete strangers can be united by a singular love of music. I related to it with regards to my own writing and how many people have read my stuff. Ended up telling this guy about some of the AO3 comments I've gotten from people to the effect of helping motivate them to live/just reflect on life in general. Somehow went into a tangent about a suicidal friend of mine who died when we were in high school, and me saying that maybe the reason I write so much about the things I do is because of the influence his death had on me. And the other person ended up asking me, 'So do you think it's like every time you write, you're doing it in his memory in a way?'

Subsequent conversation was with someone who was a psychologist for a day job, and I ended up telling them that I was kind of thinking of getting a degree in psychology/therapy one day because writing about mental health issues had gotten me so interested in the world of helping people heal themselves. But then I was also like, "Well, I don't know, it could be that I don't need to become a psychologist to help people with mental health. Maybe helping people by being a writer and telling stories is enough."

It was just a surprising, but topical realization for me to have talking to a bunch of strangers. For someone like me who's often preoccupied with doing and having knowledge and expertise, I often fall into the idea that you need to be directly involved in helping people to really be making a difference. I've literally had thoughts in my mind along the lines of "I'm so smart, hardworking, and dedicated when it comes to writing, but wouldn't it have been so much more of a net gain to the world if I'd decided to be this passionate about something like being a doctor or activist that actually helps people?" It's not like I truly regret being a writer (or ever will, because there's nothing else that I love so much), but in my bad moments I truly do sometimes think "Why does it make a difference if I entertain people or make them feel nicer for a while if it doesn't actually change anything in the world?" To quote one of my favorite Transformers fics of all time, "There was nothing that would have been more worthwhile, but that didn't rule out the possibility that the whole damn universe was wasting its time."

I guess the answer is that making someone feel better, even in a small way, is changing the world, even if it's just a few people, and even if it's just as simple as making someone's day better.

[simpsforwomen]

Can you do Enid x nb!disabled!reader(totes cool if you don’t know how to write it just like have the reader use a cane or smth) idk if that makes :(

; Also fluff plz :)

✧ reply: Ask and you shall receive! :D

❦ 𝗝𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗬𝗼𝘂

✧ warnings: n/a

✧ pairing(s): Enid Sinclair x gn!paralyzed!reader

✧ summary: (request)

✧ word count: 444

✧ a/n: I would like to say thank you for the request. It gave me motivation to write again especially since my depression came back these past few months. I've been focusing on school, extracurriculars, and the old requests from people I have piled up in my inbox. I feel guilty for not tending to those sooner so this is an apology to ya'll. I will start publishing them this week and actually finish making my masterlists. Again, I'm sorry you had to wait so long. I just I love you guys so much and don't want to let anyone down.

☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎☠︎︎

Your legs have been paralyzed for most of your life but it wasn't always as bad as others make it seem. Sure, there were and will always be challenges throughout your life but people like Enid made them a lot easier.

It was the last day of school before summer break and you were in your wheelchair, being pushed by your girlfriend down the halls. She's really excited for summer and you knew from the moment you saw her this morning. The skipping said it all.

Enid leaned over your shoulder as she ran her fingers through your hair. "Babe?"

"Mhm?" You hummed, enjoying her gentle caresses.

"Do you wanna go somewhere together after school today?"

You barely gave the question any thought. "Sure, where were you thinking?" You'd do anything with your beloved girlfriend.

"Well...ooh! I heard there's a fair in town. We can go tonight for a date!"

"Sounds lovely, darling." You agreed, giggling at her excitement.

The two of you finished your last class of the year and arrived at the fair with the help of Principal Weems. Both of you were grateful she offered a ride. One that was filled with many loving caresses. And when all of you had reached the desired destination, Enid helped you back onto your wheelchair, thanking the Principal.

"Have fun girls!" Ms. Weems exclaimed as the three of you parted ways.

Knowing that you couldn't get on most rides, Enid suggested the two of you get food instead, not that she minded. You both settled down at a nearby picnic table after purchasing fries, burgers, and various flavors of cotton candy. She was eating her burger when you noticed some red sauce on her face.

"You've got some ketchup on your chin." You giggled as you reached across the table, helping her wipe the sauce away.

She blushed and looked down, avoiding eye contact. "Thanks." She muttered, just barely loud enough for you to hear.

Reaching under the table, you took ahold of her hand to caress it, causing her cheeks to turn a darker shade of red. "You're so cute..."

Right after the two of you finished eating, you heard an explosion coming from the sky. Looking up, you saw beautiful fireworks in all different colors and shapes. Taking your lover's hand, you placed a gentle kiss on the back, causing a familiar shade of red to return to her cheeks.

"I love you..." You said, resting your head on her shoulder.

With that, she began to stroke your hair. "I love you too, honey bun..."

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- part 3

masterlist Gavi stayed quiet for the next few hours which I used to do some of my uni work as I've neglected it a bit this past week despite having not gone anywhere. I only stopped when someone brought us both in some food for dinner which made me realise how hungry I was after not eating anything since yesterday before my surgery. I will admit the food didn't look exactly appetising but I was so hungry that I tried my best to ignore the look and the taste. 

"How are you eating that it's disgusting" Gavi said taking me completely by surprise 

"I'm starving I haven't eaten since midnight yesterday so I'll take anything although this isn't great" I said 

"Well I'm going to get someone to bring me some food do you want anything?" He asked 

"If you don't mind that would be amazing I'll find way to pay you back" I said 

"There's no need for that I offered so I'll pay" he said 

After earlier I expected him to not like me and to just ignore me until we leave but clearly he either wasn't as bothered by my questions as I thought or he has a very short memory. Not knowing much about Gavi I didn't have any idea of what he'd be like but knowing he's a famous footballer I assumed he'd be a bit arrogant and maybe not the nicest person but my assumption seems to be very wrong. The fact that he offered to get food for me and pay for it changed all of my assumptions about Gavi as there's not many people out there that would do that for a stranger let alone someone like him who has no need to even speak to me. 

Gavi asked me if I had any preferences on what he ordered but I told him to just get whatever he wanted as he was paying and I'll eat anything. I imagine he usually has a diet to follow like I do but if there is any occasion where we can break it without being told off I imagine that's now. Although I can't wait to get back to training and competing I think I'm going to enjoy the break from the strict routines and diets as for me that's the hardest part. 

"So how did you end up here?" Gavi asked breaking my train of thought 

"I was practicing a new vault for a competition as I'm a gymnast and I landed right on my leg and now I'm here" I said 

"You're a gymnast that's cool I don't really understand much about gymnastics but what level if that's the right word do you compete at?" He probed further 

"It's not easy to describe but I was selected for the olympic team for next year but that's not going to happen now" I said 

"I'm sorry I know exactly how that feels it's the euros in the summer too and I'm going to miss that" he said 

"Yeah it sucks but my brother always tells me things happen for a reason so I'm gong to take this set back and use it to motivate me to get even better" I said 

"I don't think I ever asked what your name is I'm sorry" he said 

"Don't worry about it I'm Lola but the way" I said as I reached over to shake his hand which made him laugh 

"It's nice to meet you Lola I'm Pablo or more people call me Gavi but I assume you knew that already" he laughed 

"Do your friends call you Gavi or Pablo?" I asked out of curiosity 

"They mostly call me Gavi but my family calls me Pablo but you can call me whatever I'll answer to either" he said 

Pablo and I kept talking and getting to know each other even when Pablo's dad brought us the food he ordered we kept talking in between taking bites. He told me all about football but also more about him as a person which I enjoyed listening to as its always nice to get to know the person behind what the media see and he's truly a lovely person. I got the sense that Pablo is the type of person you can't help but love once you get to know him as there doesn't appear to be a bad bone in his body. Out of all the famous footballers I could've ended up here with I'm glad it's Pablo as he's actually really normal and fun to talk to.

~~~~~~~~~~

Overnight Pablo and I didn't sleep much as we spent a lot of time talking and then we watched movies together until we must've both eventually fallen asleep. I was woken up by a nurse coming in to do her regular checks and then another doctor came in and made sure both Pablo and I were up so he could tell us that after lunch we would be discharged but first we both had physio sessions one after the other. As he had his surgery first Pablo went for this physio first so I used the opportunity to get up and brush my teeth and hair as I know I look a mess after yesterday. I also texted my brother so he would know when to come and get me as he promised to pick me up or more like volunteered himself as he's sure I'm lying about sharing a room with the Pablo Gavi.

Once Pablo was back I had my physio session which wasn't much fun as it just left me in a lot of pain. With how hard it was to even move my knee a little bit it made me feel quite down about my chances of having a speedy recovery and getting back to training any time soon but it can only get better as time goes on right. When I got back Pablo seemed to sense that I wasn't feeling so chipper anymore as he made his way over and gave me a hug or at least his best attempt while using crutches. I didn't know how much I needed a hug until Pablo hugged me, somehow it just made me feel so much better it was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits and being in his arms made me feel weirdly at home. As we both packed our things ready to be discharged he kept me talking about anything other than sport or our injuries which was really thoughtful of him. 

Before I knew it the doctor said we were free to leave so the both of us quickly text whoever was coming to pick us up then we just had to wait. My brother knew we would be getting discharged not long after midday so he was already in the area so it didn't take long before he was knocking on the door to our room. Once he came in I couldn't help but smile as he got to see that I wasn't lying just because I was bored I have actually been sharing a room with Pablo this whole time. 

"Are you ready to go sis?" Alonso asked me 

"Yeah just give me one minute to go to the bathroom" I said 

"Hey man it's nice to meet you thanks for keeping her company in here" Alonso said to Pablo trying to find a reason to talk to him 

"It's no problem she's lovely it was nice sharing a room with her" I heard Pablo say making me blush a little as I came out the bathroom 

"Lola before you go can I have your number I think it would be good for both of us if we kept in touch" Pablo asked while scratching his neck clearly nervous

"Of course give me your phone and I'll put my number in" I said 

Once I handed him his phone back Alonso took my bag and we walked out the hospital together. Alonso wouldn't stop staring at me as I focused on making my way out of the hospital and into the car which was harder than I though as I have no movement in my knee which you really take for granted when you have it. Even once we were in the car Alonso didn't go anywhere he still just stared at me. 

"Do you have anything you want to say?" I asked 

"First of all you weren't lying and secondly you gave him your number I just don't know how you managed that" he said 

"I'm just the best that's how I managed it" I laughed 

"But seriously I have no idea I don't think the past 24 hours will ever feel real" I said 

Alonso drove me back to my apartment and helped me get settled before he left as he has his own life to live. Seeing as I was finally alone and feeling a bit better about life I decided to take a selfie to share with my followers as I know some people care about my journey and are worried about the fact that I didn't attend the last competition.

Pablogavi started following you 

Pablogavi liked your photo

[tarisilmarwen]

Rebels Rewatch: "A Fool's Hope"/"Family Reunion And Farewell"

*singing*

~I'm glad that you were here with me/Here at the end of all things.~

Live reaction version.

Yeah be prepared for a lot of Lord of the Rings quotes and song lyrics in this one, lol.

Hey, don't blame me, the writers were the ones who made it clear they were hopeless Tolkien nerds.

And yes I am packaging both (all three?) episodes together. This is how it was aired, this is how it was experienced, you're gonna get the full treatment.

This does mean though that I will be very stingy with the pictures. Apologies. Blame Tumblr, not me.

Anyway, we start off the finale by gathering all the disparate parties that we completed the Friendship Fetch Quests for. Rex, Kallus, Gregor, Wolffe, Hondo, Melch, and Ketsu are all Back For The Finale. Which is a trope that I absolutely love in all shapes and forms, and it's even more appropriate for this show given that Ezra's main character "superpower" is literally making friends.

The connections and bridges he built all come back to aide him, not for any selfish motives of their own or because "the enemy of my enemy", but simply because Ezra has asked them to come.

"It's for Ezra," is all Hera has to say, and Hondo is immediately, genuinely pledging, "For that boy, there is nothing I would not do."

It is... incredibly heartwarming.

And I told y'all Hondo was a romantic at heart, and genuinely misses the days when the Jedi were around. And also that in the Rebellion Era, the Jedi still represent the nobility and goodness of the past.

After the titlecard, which still has no fanfare, we get this scene:

Come, you all knew I was going to cap it. Sabine's concern is so soft, the hand she places on Ezra's shoulder and the way she asks if he's okay so gentle.

The visual similarity in this scene and two scenes prior to this are interesting. This scene is firstly visually reminiscent of the Kanan-Hera scene in the beginning of "Kindred" (inviting comparison to the main canon ship of the show), and also the Kanan-Ezra scene at the beginning of "Jedi Night" (which emphasizes again that Kanan and Sabine are the two Most Important People in Ezra's life).

Ezra sits in the exact same pose, in the exact same place, that we saw Kanan meditating at, suggesting that he is also hearing the echoes of things to come, having similar visions of the future. This is certainly supported by his dialogue, where he mentions, "Something's changed... Something's happening." and that he's had a vision of Palpatine sending Thrawn back to Lothal.

Honestly I'm surprised it took Palpatine so long, lol. Thrawn: Treason supposedly takes place over the course of... a week? And the events of "Rebel Assault" to "A World Between Worlds" can't have been more than three or four days.

(This is why I reject the official canon timeline for Rebels, Season Four's events are crammed into the space of a month or two AT BEST.)

But anyway, Palpatine is pretty pissed off about the whole Temple thing so yeah, he's sending Thrawn back to retrieve Ezra personally. This seems to be a big ol' sticking point for our favorite blue bastard because he is NOT HAPPY when he turns back up.

You can't blame him really. He'd barely left Lothal and his TIE Defender project got literally blown up, so he had to spend the budget meeting arguing for what was essentially a smoking crater, and the wager he made with Krennic et. all. ultimately went nowhere because he lost on a technicality, and then the Emperor starts questioning his loyalty because his old Ascendancy friends showed up during the shenanigans, and then Palpatine dismissed him to go clean up the mess on Lothal and fetch him back a teenager for Sith sorcery bullshit.

...He'd had a very bad week, is what I'm saying.

I got off topic there, where was I?

Oh yes, Ezra's risky gamble. Fun fact, that was the original title of the episode, "Ezra's Gamble". I assume they axed it because it would give too much away. And like I've said before, if they could have avoided showing Ryder in footage taking the Dome for the finale previews, they could have really sold his false betrayal.

Pryce does not look like she's having a good week either lol.

Ezra continues to be cryptic about things, yet another hint to us that he's gotten "insider information" from the Force, as it were, and has made plans according to multiple possible outcomes. This is just one of the reasons why he outmaneuvered Thrawn, the other major one being that there was no possible way for Thrawn to predict Ezra throwing space whales at him lol.

This interference by the Force could have been a bit of a Deus Ex Machina but I think it's pretty clear that the Force only shared what might happen and left Ezra to figure out a solution on his own.

And his solution was space whales. XD

That comes later though, after this very risky gambit with letting Ryder broadcast their location to Pryce. A lot of things could have gone wrong. Hera might not have made it back in time. Ryder could have decided to genuinely betray them. Rukh could have gotten in a lucky strike and incapacitated him.

We are apparently putting a LOT of trust in the Force today.

This action setpiece is a great one so I'll just cover a few of my favorite highlights:

All the shots that track Sabine as she jetpacks around the battlefield.

Ezra versus Rukh.

Zeb going full feral with the minigun.

And of course on the other side of things Hondo trying to count the number of times he'd been collided with pulling off this exact maneuver they're using lol. The blockade seems to have thinned from "Rebel Assault", not as many capital ships?, so maybe I was right in that Thrawn called for reinforcements to repel the attack. Still gives Ezra the highest kill count by proxy at the end of things.

Oh and once again there's a moment where someone threatens Sabine in order to force Ezra to surrender. <3 Love that.

Pryce is awfully smug until the Ghost shows up, lol. (To heroic Main Theme fanfare into the Rebel Alliance theme of course.) Someone on the writing team understood the power of a good Eucatastophe. (Tolkien term, it means "the sudden happy turn to good".)

The clones also get a leitmotif fanfare as they debark the Ghost.

And we get a lovely Force Theme as Ezra gets his most badass shot.

Hell yeah.

The wolves sequence is amazing. The dramatic chorus, the chaos, the wolves skirting the veeeeeeeeeeery boundary of what's allowed on a Y7 show lol.

You know some of the troopers got ate.

One last shoutout to Hera using the Ghost to straight up smack a gunship out of the air and now we've come to the end of the setpiece. It can be hard sometimes to fill a full episode with one action sequence but this episode pulls if off perfectly. It never feels stale or boring, there are multiple bits and moments that just work. (I've always loved the moment where Ezra lunges for Ruhk's energy staff and uses the momentum of Rukh lunging for the same to straight up yeet him off the platform.)

Ezra's completely nonphased at Hondo's slung arm shoulder hug now aww.

Moving right along into the next segment...

This soft intro with Ezra talking to his parents' picture, telling them they are the inspiration behind his actions, how he wishes they could meet his new family, how he knows what he needs to do, but he's afraid. T_T Hgn he's precious and so mature and I love him so so much.

He knows what he might have to do, guys. He knows he might never actually see Lothal again and he's still prepared to make that sacrifice if he has to.

He's SUCH a good Jedi you guys I can't.

Kallus gets a token line here about his defection which is... okay. But again, really needed more from this arc for it to have a full impact.

"We come to it at last; the great battle of our time."

One casual wolf threat later, Pryce has agreed to transmit the victory codes and our heros fly off to the capitol to pull off their boldest venture yet.

I will never ever get over this moment. Sabine so attuned to Ezra even without the Force that she can tell just by looking at him how distracted and sad and scared he is.

How Ezra so clearly wants to tell her but holds back, and substitutes instead a declaration of absolute faith and trust.

And how she sees right through that and knows Something Weird Be Up With The Boy, Yo.

But like so many other conversations between the two, things are left unfinished, the mission and circumstances taking precedence.

Love the two quipping back to Pryce tho. <3

Still a crapton of air pollution over the city. This would clear up dramatically in the climax, for a bit of a symbolic moment.

There are SO many callbacks to previous moments in the show in this sequence, I noted a couple of them in my original liveblog but I'm certain there's a few I missed.

The music cue is great too, as is the effective silence once they've taken the bridge. A little bit of musical breathing space before things get hairy again, courtesy of Rukh ambushing the others back at base and stealing a gunship.

You know? I'm not quite sure what the plan was for if they managed to destroy the Dome before Thrawn got back. Seems a little shortsighted to blow up all the fighters and equipment and your city shields. A single Star Destroyer is more than capable of leveling cities and there are several in orbit around Lothal.

This honestly lends even more credence to the idea that, Force visions aside, Ezra was largely making this up as he went and had NO idea what he was doing lol.

Indy Ploy versus Xanatos Gambit. Indy Ploy wins by virtue of there was no way the Xanatos Gambit could predict the level of crazy Ezra's ideas were.

Amazing how empty the streets are when they've been emptied of Imperials.

Thrawn arrives, per schedule, and parks right over the Dome so that can't launch, lest they create catastrophic collateral damage. Important to note, for the people who want to nitpick No Endor Holocaust scenarios, the show specifically details that the city shields put out by the Dome deflected the Star Destroyer wreckage when the purrgil came, and that the Rebels directed the Dome to explode over the bay, not the city. The Cadet Academy is also a completely different building.

I mean, sure the debris from the Dome probably isn't great for the bay's ecosystem but honestly the water was probably already super polluted from the factories, they had to clean it up anyway.

Where was I? Right, Thrawn getting to be really awesomely creepy. The placid, "Are you quite finished?" gives me chills every time. Once again let me praise the expression work on this show because Ezra's soft Oh Crap look is amazing.

The dawning horror on Sabine's face too.

And then this music cue! The tension is drawn out just long enough for us to fully appreciate the horror.

:((((((

They even give us a nice wide-shot to appreciate just how much damage just those few seconds of bombardment did.

I had a rant here originally about the dumbass headcanon that Thrawn targeted empty buildings in this sequence (that may or may not have originated from Timothy Zahn himself) but if you've been following me you already know how I feel about it. It's asinine and I won't entertain it. Moving on.

Backed into a corner, Ezra knows he has no choice but to give himself up to Thrawn. This track in the score, "Sabine Sees Ezra" perfectly captures the sorrow and drama. It starts with a strained version of Ezra's theme, that doesn't resolve, fading instead into mournful original strings. Hera's entreaties for him to stay are painful, we can't help but think of what must be in her head--she just lost Kanan, she's afraid to lose him too. But Ezra is a Jedi. He is the guardian of Lothal. So he must make the sacrifice no one else can. He can't choose to be selfish.

So while Hera and the others try to figure out a way around the problem of Thawn, Ezra goes to confront it head on, secretly signaling to Chopper, who has been entrusted with so much of this plan.

And Sabine sees him.

It's a consistent theme throughout their relationship. She sees him. She notices him. She's attuned to when he's upset. She perceives him in a way that's unique from everyone else.

And he trusts her so implicitly that he silently asks for her help here, and after a moment of agony she does it, because she trusts him too.

These two just break my heart. :(

Sabine keeps looking back at the empty spot where he had been. T_T

There's a theme here about attachment and loss again, and it comes from Sabine. Like a Jedi, she's able to let go of her fear of loss and trust Ezra, whatever happens, and is able to encourage Hera to do the same. Her theme plays out here, strongly, before giving way to an excerpt of the Main Titles theme, uniting the Rebels in their heroism.

Ezra's theme playing again here, skittish and frightened. Once again the expression work is heartbreaking. Ezra looks like he's steeling himself, holding back his fear. He's resigned to his purpose, but that doesn't mean he's enjoying it.

AND NOW WE GET MY FAVORITE HANNIBAL LECTURE/SHUT UP HANNIBAL EXCHANGE! :D

The dialogue between Thrawn and Ezra here is so good.

"You could have chosen to let your people die. However... you chose to be a Jedi." Jedi cannot help what they are, the Jedi Code is like an itch he cannot help it *sobs in Kenobi feelings*.

Thrawn pontificating about how petty things like ethics get in the way of being efficient. He picks at Ezra from several different angles in this conversation, first by deriding the moral code of the Jedi, then by pointing out that their righteousness did not save the Jedi in the end, all that's left are frightened poorly trained children--a clear dig at Ezra himself. He laments what a shame it is that the Jedi didn't apply their powers in a way he deems would have been effective, implicitly suggesting that the Jedi should have used their power to dominate and conquer--Might Makes Right, after all, if you have the means to achieve a certain end you should use it.

Ezra tanks that calmly, pointing out that the Force isn't a weapon.

So Thrawn switches tactics, now lamenting that he must destroy Lothal (no you don't you asshole you can literally just disobey orders and defect, the total genocide of Lothal is entirely within your power to prevent) and oh, isn't it such a shame about Sabine.

And that hits Ezra's berserk trigger lol.

He snaps back at Thrawn. You're a tyrant, a bully, you didn't make or earn any of this, you just took it because you could, because you think your strength makes you right.

Thrawn essentially confirms that, "Yeah, having power does make me right." before leading him down to where the Temple doors have been set up for his meeting with the Emperor. Which kind of makes me think Thrawn wanted the opportunity to dress Ezra down and soften him up for Palpatine's manipulations because he could have just had the troopers shove him into the hanger first thing.

Subtle animation appreciation moment: The way Ezra keeps looking around in astonishment, wide-eyed, at the sight of the Temple doors.

Palpatine cloaks himself in white like an angel of light for this final temptation, wearing the guise of a friend or kindly old grandpa. It's every bit as unsettling as it seems.

Meanwhile with the B-Squad, Mart reveals that--like Chopper--he has also been entrusted with a crucial part of Ezra's "Just in case" plan. (Theirs is an underrated friendship, fanficcers you have let me down, again, why do I have to write all the things I wanna see more of?)

That shot of the wolves running alongside and under the Ghost. *chef kiss*

I have no idea when Ezra found time to figure out a signal the purrgil would respond to but I very much want to see that scene.

Sabine: "He [Ezra] knows what he's doing." Lol are you sure about that, 'bine? I think he had no clue the whole purrgil thing would work.

Palpatine is so slimy here, ugh. Acting like he did Ezra a favor by desecrating the Jedi Temple. Ezra's all ready to fling back anything ol Sheev throws at him here until Palpatine takes aim right at the heart of his greatest weakness.

Because after all this time, Ezra has never quite fully gotten over and accepted the loss of his parents. He's still at heart a lost little boy who misses his mom and dad.

The score goes almost Stravinsky-esque here, suggesting the Faustian nature of the deal Sidious is offering.

Meanwhile down in the gullet of the Dome, the Rebels are working feverishly to regain control of the the shield generator. There's some great coordination here between the teams and the control, Sabine really shines as a leader.

Word of God behind the scenes confirms Ezra is seeing THE day his parents were taken, his seventh birthday, when he could hear his mom and dad calling for him but didn't come because he was goofing off.

Hey uh, can this boy's life stop being ENDLESSLY SAD please? That'd be nice.

Love how Gregor calls for "something drastic" and Zeb immediately thinks, "Right, yeeting myself at the enemy." lol.

Gotta respect a man whose strategy is to fling himself full force at the enemy.

And the obligatory Make TCW Fans Cry Moment with Gregor here.

Palpatine keeps digging. This is your heart's desire isn't it? Don't you deserve this? All you have to do is open this one little door. He tries to keep Ezra's attention and focus on himself, even when Ezra asks what will happen to his friends if he makes this choice.

You can undo their deaths, Palpatine promises, about Ezra's parents. You can save them. I can help. It's the exact temptation he offered Anakin all those years ago.

"I have the power to give you what you want. You won't have to face this loss."

Like a devil, what he offers is a two-edged sword. What he is offering can't actually exist. Because if Ezra goes to be with his parents on the day they were arrested, how will he be able to make it here to open the door for Palpatine? Will Palpatine have to trap him in a closed loop, retrieve him from wherever he will end up in the alternate timeline, to ensure he can't fix this one fatal mistake?

See Palpatine doesn't care about breaking the timeline, he will gladly do it and rule over the ruins. But if Ezra reaches for this vision, he dooms his friends. He allows Palpatine to gain power beyond his wildest imaginings, turn himself into lord and master of time itself, a physical god.

So Ezra must deny himself, accept the loss, and let go.

And he does.

The Emperor's hologlamour flickering and failing as his rage ascends is really effectively creepy. Also HOW ABOUT THEM RETURN OF THE JEDI PARALLELS?

Years down the line, yet another pure-hearted Jedi boy will stand before the Emperor, throw his offer in his face, and tell him where to shove it. Even the dialogue mirrors Luke's.

"You're wrong. I have a family. I don't need anything from you."/"Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side. You've failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me."

"Unfortunate. Destroy him!"/"So be it, Jedi. If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed!"

Poetry. Pure poetry. <3

Ezra gets a nice little face off against the Royal Guards, with some lovely whump in the form of whatever those pikes are doing to him, but manages to weasel himself out of the situation. And then somehow fights his way all the way up to the bridge. So proud of him.

The Rebels get the shield up just in time to prevent Thrawn's full scale bombardment, Rukh frying rather dramatically in the process. Lol and ouch with how irreverent Zeb is over the comm.

So now all that's left to do is break the stalemate and remove Thrawn from the chessboard.

HELL YES.

Oh hoooo man this twist isn't even really a twist it just makes too much sense for Ezra, for his character, for the themes of the show, for how to take Thrawn out as a threat while respecting his acumen as a strategist. (Gotta throw something at him he would never suspect lol.)

The musical build-up is amazing. Dooming low bass notes, drolling percussion. The strings build up, crescendo-ing.

AND THEN THE "WRATH OF NATURE" CUE FROM "THE CALL" COMES IN WITH GLORIOUS FULL ORCHESTRA.

The Hyperspace theme comes in as well, and the purrgil proceed to utterly decimate Thrawn's fleet. By proxy this gives Ezra probably the highest kill count on the show, as the purrgil must have taken out the orbital construction stations, a good chunk of the Star Destroyers up there, and all three of the ones above the city. (Somehow Palleon survives to join the Council of Evil in Mando Season 3 lol.)

Sabine looks SO confused, ha ha.

What a great shot.

Thrawn tries to get in a final, Taking You With me speech only for Ezra to be like, "Joke's on you that was the plan all along. You're not taking me with you, I'm taking you with me."

I do love Thrawn's increasingly panicky WTF expressions as things progress.

THIS ADORABLE #MARRIED BANTER BETWEEN EZRA AND SABINE AND THEN HOW THEIR THEMES ARE TONALLY INTERMINGLED IN THIS CUE.

Subtle animation appreciation moment: The way Ezra's left arm hangs limp after Thrawn shoots his shoulder and the pained grimace he gives when he turns around to seal the door behind them.

He looks exhausted.

Pained grimace number two as Ezra raises his injured arm to wind up IN AN EXACT TABLEAU OF THE POSE KANAN HAD AT HIS OWN HEROIC SACRIFICE.

HELLO YES, ALSO ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS BETWEEN EZRA AND SABINE AS SHE BEGS HIM TO GET OFF THE CHIMAERA.

ALSO IT BEARS EMPHASIS BUT LOOK HOW THE GLASS SHARDS STILL WHEN EZRA RAISES HIS OTHER ARM.

EZRA IS LITERALLY HOLDING THE OXYGEN INSIDE THE BRIDGE WITH THE FORCE, WHILE HOLDING THRAWN AND THE DOOR IN PLACE, WITH AN INJURED ARM.

Ezra Bridger is the greatest shut up.

The purrgil charge up. Everything goes white. His theme bellows at full heroic volume and then...

Quiet.

Utter awed quiet.

Right, so you wanna know the other of the two times I cried at this show? Ezra's sacrifice right here. Waterworks.

"We set out to save the Shire, and it has been saved. But not for me. I have been too badly hurt. The last pages are for you, Sam."

Sabine is handed Ezra's lightsaber by Chopper, and takes up his mantle, finishing his mission and leading all the rest of them to safety as the launch the Dome and blow it. (Her journey to becoming co-protagonist is complete.)

Chopper gives us a final goodbye message from Ezra (that makes me sad again), and they soar over a triumphant freed populace.

Fade out and then...

*SOBS ABOUT THE BOOKENDS FOREVER*

Shot for shot. Shot. For. Shot. And I am UNDONE.

Lothal is free. The Empire never had a chance to retake it. Likely couldn't spare the manpower from the rest of the galaxy, first off, also replacing all those ships they had in orbit has gotta be expensive, and I suspect Palpatine just put glassing Lothal on hold until the Death Star was completed. And well... we know how that turned out lol.

The Fellowship broke, but they seem to all keep in touch, if Sabine's voiceover is any indication. Kanan's legacy lives on. Our crew found peace.

And last...

A sworn promise to find a precious friend and bring him back home.

The finale of Rebels is near perfection. With a very few quibbles here and there (the purrgil could have been just a smidgen more set up, Kallus's arc still needs to have some decent onscreen content for his redemption happy ending to be earned) it is the best Rebels has to offer.

The callbacks and bookends undo me. The music is full of wonderful dramatic cues. The animation is gorgeous. Everything comes to full completion and it is a very satisfying end.

Overall Season Thoughts:

Season Four is almost a bit nostalgic, returning to the tightly written narrative of the first season, but even more tightly tied together. None of the episodes feel wasted or superfluous. The major character death midway through is given plenty of narrative weight and time for the characters to adjust and grieve. Objectively it's probably the best season overall, none of the episodes are misses.

Even with the unanswered mysteries, the season feels solid, and a fitting conclusion to the overall Rebels saga.

---

And that was Star Wars: Rebels, the little show about a Found Family that could. It is my favorite new Star Wars content and what actually dragged me back into fandom after years away. It is heartwarming and exciting, poignant and hopeful and I'm so so glad I was taken on this journey.

Here's hoping the lost son of Lothal can make his way home soon.

[theladyofshalott1989]

I've noticed you're a really prolific writer in the HL fandom but you don't get much engagement (no offence intended because you're one of my favourite writers!!!). How do you motivate yourself to keep going?

OH, HI! When I turned on my Anonymous Asks last week, I definitely didn't expect this question. LMAO. (But thank you.) I apologize for sitting on your question for a few days, as I honestly haven't been in the best headspace to answer it. But I'm doing better now, so here goes... How do I motivate myself to keep going? Hmmm. Well, besides the obvious (that being a complete and all-encompassing obsession...), I remind myself that I joined the fandom late on AO3 (I started on Wattpad, where I actually do have a lot of engagement, I think?), as well as on Tumblr. So, I'm still catching up, I suppose? And, you know, most days it doesn't really bother me all that much because I love to write. I do get down about it every so often (hence the aforementioned bad headspace), and I commiserate with those authors who are in the same boat as me. Solidarity fist bump! You are also seen and heard, and I try so very hard to comment and kudo on as many fics as I can but I have a toddler and a full-time job, so... time is limited. Also, in the grand scheme of things, engagement comes and goes in waves, and as long as someone gets something out of my fics, I feel like it was time well spent on my end. It certainly helps that I've had some absolutely wonderful interactions over the past year and a half, so that keeps me going. Thank you for asking. Reflecting on this question was surprisingly helpful too. I feel a bit better already. For those curious, my Asks are always open <3