#teh more you know
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one of the reasons it's really hard for a lot of intersex people when intersex topics are on the news cycle is because the public's reaction reveals how little anyone knows or cares about intersex people, including people who call themselves our allies. almost every time intersex topics are trending, the discourse surrounding them is filled with misinformation. people who only learned today what the word intersex means jump into conversations and act like an authority. endosex/dyadic/perisex people get tripped up over things that are basically intersex 101, with tons of endosex people incorrectly arguing about the definition of intersex, who "counts," DSD terminology, and so much more. i've seen multiple endosex people say today that they've been "warning intersex people" and that we should have known that transphobia would catch up with us eventually, which is an absolutely absurd thing to say given the fact that consistently over the past ten years, it has often been intersex people sounding the alarm on sex-testing policies and also the fact that many, many intersex people are also trans, and already are facing the impacts of transphobia. there is an absolute failure from the general public to take intersex identity seriously; people seem not even able to fathom that intersex people have a community, history, and our own political resources. instead, endosex people somehow seem to think they're helping by bringing up half-remembered information from their high school biology class which usually isn't even relevant at all.
and this frustrates me so fucking much. not because i want to deny the impacts of transphobic oppression--i'm a trans intersex person, trust me when i say i am intimately aware of transphobia. this frustrates me because there is no way we can achieve collective liberation if our "allies" fail to even engage with basic intersex topics and are seemingly unaware of the many forms of intersex oppression that we are already facing every fucking day. if you are not aware of compulsory dyadism, if you are not aware of interphobia, if you are not aware of the many different ways that intersex people are directly and often violently targeted--how the fuck do you think we're going to dismantle all of these systems of oppression?
if you were truly an intersex ally, you would already KNOW that this is not new, and would not be surprised--interphobia in sports has been going on for decades. you would know that we do have a community, an identity, a history--you would have already read/listened/watched to intersex resources that give you the background information you need for allyship. you would know that although there is a really distinct lack of resources and political education, that intersex people ARE developing a political understanding of ourselves and our oppression--Cripping Intersex by Celeste Orr and their framework of compulsory dyadism is one example of how we're theorizing our oppression. It's absolutely fucking wild to me how few people I've seen actually use words like "interphobia" "intersexism" "compulsory dyadism" or "intersex oppression"--endosex people are seemingly incapable of recognizing that there is already an entrenched system of oppression towards intersex people that violently reshapes our bodies, restricts our autonomy, and attempts to eradicate intersex through a variety of medical and legal means.
you cannot treat intersex people like an afterthought. not just because we're meaningful parts of your community and deserving of solidarity, but also because intersex oppression impacts everyone!!! especially trans community--trans people will not be free until intersex people are free, so much of transphobia is shaped by compulsory dyadism, the mythical sex binary, all these ideas of enforced "biological sex" that are just as fake as the gender binary.
it makes me absolutely fucking livid every time this shit happens because it becomes so abundantly clear to me how little the average endosex person knows about intersex issues and also how little the average endosex person cares about changing that. i don't know what to say to get you to care, to get you to change that, but we fucking need it to happen and i, personally, am tired of constantly being grateful when i meet an endosex person who knows the bare minimum. i think we have a right to expect better and to demand that if you're going to call yourself our ally, you actually fucking listen to us when we tell you what that means.
okay for endosex people to reblog.
#personal#intersex#actually intersex#actuallyintersex#interphobia#intersexism#compulsory dyadism#trans#lgbtqia#transphobia#also to be clear im not necessarily mad about people not knowing or using the term compulsory dyadism. bc that term in particular is newer.#and from a dense academic theory book. so that's something that i understand why ppl might not yet know. i just brought it up as an example#and my main point is less about which specific terms people are using. but more just that endosex people seem incapable of recognizing the#actual material instances of oppression that are already happening. and teh history of that. and the systems#set up to enable it#like idk i don't care if you don't know or use a term if you're otherwise aware and understand how the sex binary is fake and all the#discriminatory ways society then enforces this. and how it fucks intersex people over#you see what i'm saying?
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I think a really underrated character duo in gravity falls is Dipper and Stan. Like one, I think they are way more similar than people give them credit for. Like Dipper is definitely the one who feels like the ‘inferior’ twin (internally on his part), something reflected in Stan. Also Dipper is generally pretty cunning and willing to throw punches in a Stan-way, you can see Stan rubbing off on him as the show progresses. Dipper in the Stan costume, and that one scene where Stan and Dipper both cross their fingers at the same time for the same promise, both live in my head rent free. In my heart of hearts I think Dipper picks up a bit of Stans con-man tricks in the future (and Mabel goes on some bonding missions w/ Ford, but this post isn’t abt them). Also I just want to say I bet Dipper reminded Stan of a young Ford and that informed some of their early dynamic. Anyway bye just needed this brainworm out
#gravity falls#dipper pines#Stan pines#stanley pines#That one scene in Dreascapers where Stan talks abt how he sees himself in Dipper and that’s why he’s hard on him?#yeah#look the twins can obviously be put into their easy Mabel-Stan Dipper-Ford parallels#BUT I think it’s interesting to do it teh other way too#because Mabel and Ford are the weird twins of their pairs!!! they’re the outcasts who get picked on for being strange!#Also while I don’t think Mabel is Selfish (I love Mabel) she can be a little self-centered which is a good parallel to Ford who#is also kinda self centered#again I say this with love- Mabel did nothing wrong#similarly- Dipper can be mapped to the ‘Screw up twin’ (in his mind) the way Stan can#Dipper is a nerd but he’s not a super-genius like Ford was- so next to mabel he feels inferior#(I feel like he said something like this somewhere? the journal?)#anyway Stan is the same way#Also the way Dipper would fuck anyone up for hurting his family- even going as far to THREATEN bill in BOB#Tbf mabel does this too but it’s way less serious#anyway have this#gravity falls dipper#gravity falls stanley#wait I’m not over this actually#Mabel getting tricked by Bill pretending to be someone she trusted can be a Ford paralell actually#you know how bill sees himself in Ford despite the fact he’s WAYYY more like Stan??? that but mabel the opposite way. do you see the vision?#also the fact the two pines bill hates are Dipper and Stan. I win again#THE BILL-MABEL-FORD PARALELLE BUBBLE MIGHT NEED ITS OWN POST BC I HAVE THOUGHTS
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As someone who’s favorite Mario character (aside from Dimentio) is Gooigi I ask if you have any Gooigi fanart
I didn't so I made these drawings really fast at work just for you
I didn't finish my sentence but I don't remember what "he's" supposed to be so sorry
#text#fanart#my art#luigi#luigi fanart#luigis mansion 3#gooigi#anon#ask#i WASN'T DONE TYPING BUT I ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED ANSWER 😭 I WASN'T DONE WITH THE COLORED ONE LMAO#maybe I'll draw an actual good version of it and come back mu goofy ass forgot I can't save ask answers to drafts#actually the more i look at it teh more i don't like eitehr of these so so sorry 😞 i would have realized that if i could save asks to#my drafts#did you guys know i have 200+ drafts
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Morro except after all the healing and growing he meets the preeminent again and she destroys his mental state, leaving him once again without his sanity.
#lego ninjago#ninjago#now imagine this either post redemption arc with the ninja or pre ots still good#sorru having too many thoughts on him rn#just of Morro growing only fir everyone to iver look who exactly broke him so much and it was the preeminent here#yes the weird eldritch octopus moster broke his sanity what of it#wdym all you bear is weird grumbles from said octopus monster? wdym you can hear her cussing you out like a toxic asian aunty?#but WORSE#morro ninjago#morro wu#the preeminent#use this as you will i jusy like thinking of the preeminent to really match the vibe her ghosts have#what with teh whole CURSED GHOSTS thing#and you know#being evil enough to enter a realm dedicated for evil people#just the preeminent ruininh everything morro is all over again#because let be real Morro from when he died and Morro from possession is not the same#even if he didnt age at all he still experienced dexades of time#in a realm of literally the worst peopel out there#and said realm is like the second embodiment of evil#sooo#he defo faced some stuff there#poor guy only a teen and he’s got more trauma then wu at this rate#tho maybe wu is a stretch#no one pther than garmadon can reach wu’s level of mentally unwell
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Y'know the thing about writing feral/unhinged versions of Orion/Optimus, is that you can't go too far into the feral/unhinged direction to a point where OP's core character traits are lost or become too diminished. After all, in a multiple-continuity franchise like TF, part of what makes the stories make sense is that even if details change (sometimes major details), the characters are still recognizably themselves to one degree or another. (Although this isn't always the case due to executive meddling or some characters being such blank slates from their initial G1 appearances that there's basically nothing to model them off of, but I digress.)
It's pretty much another reason why I love IDW1 Optimus, bc he literally is a canonical feral/unhinged Optimus who's unhinged as a direct consequence of who he is as a person and what he's been through. Like, he still has those fundamental character traits of trying his best to be moral and make good choices, trying to be a role model, etc, except after 4 million years of war and untreated depression he's basically holding onto his sense of self by his fingertips. So when he "goes feral" e.g. losing his temper and beating up/killing people or saying hurtful things, he's feral in a way that's directly tied to his normal personality and not just as a random quirk he has.
IDW OP's feral moments arise from the gaps between "Optimus' attempts to be who he thinks he needs to be" and "the reality of the world that he can't fix/seems to only make worse" that cause him to lose hope, or become cynical, or lose his temper. But in this case, the unhinged-ness makes perfect sense because it arises out of Optimus trying and failing to be the best person or to make the most morally good choices he's trying to make. Basically, the "feral/unhinged" label is just another way of me trying to say that he's not just unhinged because he's weird or because he's a bad person, but because it's an emotional reaction (more like an emotional explosion due to pent-up emotions) to the context he exists in.
I'd also say that IDW OP's personality being generally reserved/stoic and (trying to be) noble works in tandem with those moments he has of going feral because it makes him more realistic. His psyche is treated in a way where the writers are like, "Hey what if the pressure of having to be everyone's idol and be the best person in the galaxy at all times actually broke Optimus down mentally and emotionally?" It makes IDW OP far more relatable. Instead of naturally being a perfect Christ-like figure who never wavers in his morals or convictions and is just naturally a nice person who always has the wisest and best answer, being a good person is something that IDW OP has to consciously strive to be. Even when he feels like it's useless, or the cycle of violence will never stop, or any attempts he makes to help only ends up with things becoming worse.
And I feel like this does a service not only to IDW Optimus as a character, but also as a sort of moral/philosophical perspective for the reader to ponder upon? I feel like culture at large (or at least my experience of it) tends to believe that "goodness" in a person is simply an innate feature that people are born/not born with, and that being "good" means that you must be good at all times, both in your actions as well as the way you feel emotionally about yourself and the world. Like, there's a tendency for our vision of "a good person" to be good in every aspect at all times without having to try to be a good person. So I think IDW Optimus' character stands as a good example of how someone can be good at heart but still struggle to maintain those feelings of optimism and hope and justice. It's a good idea to have such a paragon of a character (in-universe and out-of-universe) be so conflicted and to even be mistaken, misguided, or make things worse because it shows that goodness is as much about "trying to behave/act in a way that is good" and not just "existing as an innately good person."
It's way more realistic for a person to want to be good, try to be good, and sometimes/often fail than it is for them to just be a good person. I enjoy the fact that IDW Optimus is both a good person at heart, but also has to strive to be a good person and live up to other people's expectations of what they see in him. I like how he wants to be a good person and change society for the better, but he also spends a good amount of time either feeling hopeless and alone or being angry at/detached from other people because of how frustrated they make him. He's realistically portrayed as someone who wants to be good and hopeful and change things for the better, but is also mentally and emotionally broken by that burden because of how impossible it is for him to Fix Everything and be the Perfect Prime/Leader/Autobot that people see him as. It's this fascinating mixture of "yes, this is who he is as a person" but also "there are things he desires to be that he could never possibly become or live up to."
This got really far off based from feral/unhinged Optimus sdklfjaslkdlfkas. The TLDR is that if people want unhinged OP, I feel like they should give IDW OP a chance because he IS unhinged but he's unhinged in a way that's a realistic/thematic representation of how being an Absolute Good is impossible. And how being a good person isn't just about Existing And You Are A Good Person, but rather goodness is a constant state of flux in which you adjust, you make mistakes, you lose your temper and feel hopeless, but then you pick yourself up and try again.
Also IDW OP really likes climbing in dangerous wilderness and jumping out of flying vehicles which I think is very feral and sexy of him to do.
#squiggposting#idw op love#idk if i adequately explained it in the body of the post. but i really do feel some kind of way about the idea of like#being a good person isn't about just being static. always being the same person. just naturally being good and nice all teh time#but rather being a good person will cause you to be CHALLENGED and being a good person calls you to ACT#and you WILL make mistakes. there's never a situation in which you're all wise and always have the right solution or are infinitely patient#but goodness is something you can CHOOSE something you can BECOME and you can still have negative emotions and CHOOSE to be good#like being a good person is a continuous process of self improvement. you aren't just born a good person#and i'm not trying to tear down the notion of 'goodness' or say it doesn't exist#rather i'm trying to say that it's far more comforting to hear that you don't have to be The Best Person at all times#it's comforting to know that good people aren't just Effortlessly Good because they were Just Born That Way Naturally#there certainly are some people like that but most of us aren't like that. and i just like idw op for that reason#he shows that like. you can be a fucked up mentally ill guy who despairs and loses his temper and is basically suicidal#but you also still genuinely try to be hopeful and try to help others. like you are good because you Try To Be Good#and you Try To Hold Onto Your Principles bc giving up or becoming evil isn't an option for you#but also trying to be A Good Person drives you fucking crazy bc we live in a universe where that perfect good simply isn't possible#so the result is an optimus who's at once Noble Paragon and Unhinged bc he's unhinged as a result of trying to be a paragon
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its a beautiful life. fynn hits 100k written this year. it's been a long journey and i thank everyone who has ever even clicked onto a work of mine. its difficult, sometimes, being stupid and a writer simultaneously. ignore the low numbers im a small fandom writer and i have a nother account ok
similarly, my mcsrtober also reached 1k hits which makes it my first fic with 1k hits yay thank you <3
highlights below. im gonna ramble ofc i am
swallow's mate. yeah its not the longest fic ever but i put so much time and effort and i am so so so so so so so proud of it and will always be. the world is a river of crackling chaos and i am the vengeance that simmers inside it
hiraeth. YES I WILL FINISH IT ONE DAY. ITS GOT REALLY NICE LORE. being the first bigger project i've tried to write since i unretired from mcsr, i adored being able to a) worldbuild and b) WRITE IN CHAPTERS. its so hard to write fics in one go my patience wears itself out
lappel du vide. you know nothing about lappel yet. you know nothing, but the plan was like 4k words and now you know something. boy do i have things planned for these stupid ranked runners. the darkness came when doogile was just a boy, after all
mcsrtober. im not as proud of my mcsrtober because i like editing things over and over and over again and mcsrtober simply doesnt allow the time for that. however i think i cooked really hard on some of the prompts and the ones yet to come (peepocute banger one on the 26th i think). like day 2. a full-on 4+1 fic. beautiful
there's a lot to come, i think. theres so many thoughts and not enough time to express them, and im only going to get more and more busy from now on. it's going to be walright. you know, theres a cool thing called a winter big bang, and the word count is projected to be around 18k...and its a oneshot...........................
then i can retire from writing longfics in one go and go back to chaptered becuase WOW chaptered is easier. AHHHHHHH
thank you for reading. this and all my fics. thank you @goober890 (i would be a liar if i didnt say i tried to tag ur ao3 😭) for being the first ever member of the fynn fanclub. thank you @bioluminescentfrog for putting up with me through the whole process of the fics to come. its been - not quite a long journey, but an eventful one all the same. from one mongey to another, i salute all of you.
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#fynn rambles#fynn's fanfic#THANKS. ITS BUEATIUFL. I WIL ESPLODE#I DIDNT MEAN TO GET SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS#and if anyone for some inexplicable reason wants to hear more of this yapping then hmu#its been a year a year a year#and im going to hit mroe than 100k#i can remember setting the goal clear as day at teh start of it all#next year im aiming for 150k. no excuses. my summer is going to be beautiful#the summer wind is a call from the sea... and i am the guy on the sand.. staring out into the waves.. what a world. what a world#how the tides change.. how the words cry my name#im better than i ever was. i'm not washed. i'm not any worse than i was back all those days ago when i first started to post#do you hear me? do you see me? can you feel the lull of the past pushing us further and further into the future? i know i can.#i know i can#and forever winter will come.. and l'appel... and all of the others one by one by one#watch me... i am a person not a ghost; my sentences speak the story that went untold#!isitoktoprojectontoa21yearoldturkishspeedrunner#SORRY I JUST HAD TO BREAK THE DESCRIPTIVE ANGST. GOING BACK TO PROJECTING ONTO THE 21 YEAR OLD TURKISH SPEEDRUNNER ASAP
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deep in the kingdom hearts trenches..
#beep boop you want fries with that#kingdom hearts#vexen#lexaeus#riku#ansem#i wanna draw lexaeus more but HIS HAIR IS GD NIGHTMARE#on the topic of lexaeus ik he doesnt raise his voice often but i made him do it for the bit. can you forgive me#btw vexen owes like. 50000 munny.#ALSO. riku-ansem. i liek in kh1 when ansem acts liek a gd FREAK in his body like sir WHAT ArE YOU DOING.#he does the exact same mannerisms and everything liek wooahh i love the attention to detail in kh and kh1 specifically.#guys did you know it took ppl many years to realize you can freeze the stove in trickmasters fight to make it easier wooaaahh#unfortunately riku-ansem in kh2 doesnt really have riku’s mannerisms reflected in ansem’s body which. sads#that wouldve been cutes.#the only time i cant think of that happening was when riku appeared hooded in front of sora in the mulan world#teh little gesture he does. and sora is liek. that must be him the only guy who does that is riku#but liek. the gesture is cute and awesome but riku’s expressions dont show up on ansem’s face sadly.#if you think he did then you are probably thinking of the manga. or theres a scene i havent seen yet#bc my kh2 knowledge is sloppy (LOL DAYS REFERENCE) due to me not having played the game when i was young#i only wwatched a cutscene comp when i was little#and memes. lots of meme videos#also hey can we all look at riku’s deranged smile when he was going to hit sora with the keyblade of the heart#FRANKLY ADORABLE.
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how do you feel about the whole 'phantom ruby originated from The End' theory. i personally love it, the cyber corruption sonic gets is like a mild version of what infinite has to deal with every day & there's more voices fucking w him
OKAY tbh originally i didnt think id have too much to say on this(and i still might not lol but Im Thinking really hard abt it so it COUNTS !!!!!) n whatever cause i personally don't really give a shit abt sonic frontiers it just doesnt intrigue me as a Complete *thing*
HOWEVER !!!!!!!!!!!!
i just watched like over an hours worth of End related videos and????????? THIS SHITS CRAZYYYYYY its so insane how this fits in w my lore n shit 4 the phantom rubies personally (Sega upholding the tradition of stealing ideas directly from my brain<33 im just that good😏)
my actually genuine reaction when the celestial bodies n space rocks r sentient w power that rivals the chaos emeralds:
LIKEEEE. okay. okay. not to be infifi lorepilled on main r anything. *i explode💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥*
I THINK ITS A VERY FUN IDEA. idk how i feel abt the phantom rubies coming directly from The End but i can def see how they can be related to each other, esp knocking sonic out of his super form briefly COME ONNN literally phantom ruby reference?!?!!?. i rest my case💼. i still dont think i know enough about The End to give a full comparative analysis on The End and pts abilities n such but i can 100% see the correlation anf thinks its a VERY VERY fun idea even if i dont necessarily agree w them being one n the same... ill have to do more research n come back to this for sure.
ill end this w a silly thought of my own though(lmk if this has already been said lol... i dont keep up w all this lol): obv ive seen ppl compare the dialouge of The End and infinite..... AND. hear me out if we were to run w the phantom rubies and End being of similar origin and ignore every other supplementary material that expounds on infinite besides Sonic Forces there is a teeny tiny bit of room to consider infinite rock possession😳 like the way they speak in certain contexts is similar and like.... if we can consider the phantom rubies as vessels that serve as an extension of The Ends power perhaps....?😳😳😳
OBV ik this is a MASSIVE stretch and isnt fully backed by canon but. a silly theory to consider to regardless lol. if someone else has already come up w this idcccc its mine now. bajabnsbbd
#asks#woven#didnt touch on the cyber corruption bit specifically cause i idnt think i had much to add........ n i dont really know the extent of The End#s power n whatnot so i cant say for certain butttt sonic cybercorruption bit is interesting but also id say its also a reason i DONT think#The End and the phantom rubies r too closely related. tails said that sonic was 'stuck between realities' n if this is directly related to#The End then it would imply that the The End n the ohantom rubies powers. while similar. dont exactly line up#it seems like to me based on the. WAIT#wait hold on i just thought of thi mid thought. fuckkkk okay#i was Going to say Teh End and the ohantom runies powers r similar but not one to one cause it seems like to me The End is more related to#like actually other realities whereas the ohantom rubies power obv deals more in the augmented reality sorta thing. BUT THEN i just#remembered that null space is real and a Thing so. HJWBSJBDBWJSH#so much to consider !!!!!!!!!! will def have to look more into this...#this is literally gonna keep me up tonight damn you man !!!!!!! jwnkdbndb#interesting..... very interesting...... *i pace around the room intensely*#also i literallyyy had the sentient space rock thing before frontiers even came out I HAD ITTTT I HAD IT!!!!!!#sega is tauntig me ik it....... augh !!!!#anywayss. goes insane<33333
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i'm going to he so fucking insufferae about theatre btw. just started my job at the theatre, with which i'm already obsessed bc their plays and stuff are just plain brilliant i could go on rants for hours and boy am i gonna know these plays by heart once i've sat through one half a dozen times. AND i joined a theatre class at school. with four other people but. i'm so incredibly motivated. i NEED. anyway it's tumblr y'all know i regularly go full obsessed nerd on things i am a Freak when it comes to these things and BOY is it gonna be Bad with the theatre
#i hope they play shakespeare.......#i gotta write a paper in shakespeare this year anyway so like. thatd be perfect#ANY WAY THE CURRENT PLAY IS DO GOOD#ITS ALL GREY#LIKE LITERALLY THE ACTORS SKIN IS PAINTED IN SHADES OF GREY#THERE IS ZERO COLOUR#AND YOU FORGET AS U DO WITH B&W FILMS#AND THEN#AND THEN. RED MIST. THE INQUISITIR. GLOWING RED IN RED SPOTLIGHTS#U CANT EVEN SEE THE OTHER CHARACTERS ANYMORE#THE INQUISITOR IS SO PROMINENT IN RED THAT ALL GREY MELTS INTO MEANINGLESS BACKGROUND#THE VISUALS ARE SO GOOD I AM CHEWING ON DRYWALL#STUNNING#ALSO I LOVE THAT SCENE WHEN THAT GUY IS SHOT!! ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!!#AND THE ACTOR IS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE CORPSE??? LIKE LEGIT IF I DIDNT KNOW HR WAS ALIVE#I MEAN HES A FZCKIGN GREAT ACTOR THRU THE WHOLE PLAY BUT DAMNNNN#COULDNT SEE HIM BREATHE WHEN WAITING FOR IT. FOR TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES#ALSO JUST THE FACT THAT TEH CGARACTER REALISED HE WAS WRONG#AND GOES UP TO THE KING TO LIE AND TAKE THE BLAME SO HIS FRIEND HAS TIME TO FLEE#AND THE KING JUST. SHOOTS HIM JUST AS HE WANTS TO START HIS MONOLOGUE#THE TEO PEOPLE CRYING OVER THE CORPSE OF THE ONE SINGLE DECENT MAN IN THIS PLAY#(there is also once decent woman but the more i get the play the less convinced i am on her tbh. i support womens wrongs!! bht not the poin#here rn)#AND THEN ITS ALL FOR NOTHIN TOO!! HUS FRIEND WHOM HE DIED FOR WHO F I N A L L Y GOT TWO BRISNCELLS IS STILL GONNA DIE#ITS ALL SO FUTILE#ITS BEAUTIFUL#THE COLOUR CHOICES UGH#THE SCENE COMPOSITION#THE MUSIC#god the music. poor music guy tho. theres so many tricky parts they get wrong again and again
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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I have to write a relatively long German paper, and man its just so difficult for me. The pro side is that I can pick any topic I want, so of course I picked Charles VI. But I've literally not written any German in months, and I'm almost 100% sure our prof doesn't actually read them. I should just write and submit boy king fic....
#i wish it was in English#bcs i would be very happy about it#but i have lost so much capacity for any German writing#bcs he sucks so much as a prof and has dropped the ball on actual language learning imo#how am i supposed to suddenly write a 7-8 pg paper after youve spent all our class time just lecturing at us#and giving us no real opportunity to really learn or test our skills#i shall.. probably just cheat.#LIKE i want to learn german so badly#but what the fuck is the point of even trying when i know im not going to get actual feedback on my writing#why should i even try at that point. put that much effort in and know that he doesnt really care at all#it just sucks so much bcs i genuinely love and am so fascinated w the topic#but the idea that id put so much work into translating it only for him not to read it really kills me#again. just submit boy king fic and see if he notices sjfkgllblb#but do you know what i mean? like im sure ill write a good version in english that i think is actual good content#but translating it is such a lost cause bcs all the effort is reallt for nothing#like atp im jusy interested in the history more than making an effort w the language#ugh i wish i wasnt this way but yknow lack of stimulation anf feedback really kills my enjoyment and interest#like see i can convince myself that thr eng version of teh paper is my typical personal research#<- i mean im making a fucking family tree for funsies so this isnt that far off#but the translation part is so difficult bcs my german has been eroding a bit SOB SOB#lol anyways i say this bcs i was plotting a boy king fic in my head as i was goong to bed#and was like oh i shoulf write it out tmr! and then remembered I HAVE AN ESSAY UGH#well yeah. suffering. we'll see how i feel abt i write the original copy and if i have the capacity to germanify it#i just feel so guilty about it. cheating. I dont want to and it feels so low effort and terrible#but why would i force myself thru all that for a guy who barely reads it#catie.rambling.txt
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UP TOP: Is the Tadpole Consumers! Sometimes being 'Power Hungry' means eating an actual worm.
Kendis Wolfcrossing (left): Bearbarian (Druid and Barbarian), She/They (nb). Romance Rolan [Maybe Minthara. Maybe Halsin. I'm just fucking around in the PT]
Kaeliana (right): aka The Dark Urge, Soradin of Kelemvor (Sorcerer and Paladin), She/her (trans). Romance Wyll.
BOTTOM DOWN: The Parental Trauma Cleric Sibs (and potentially both technically undead).
Amryl Shadowhoard (left): Ranger/War Cleric of Bahamut, They/It/She (in order; nb). Romance Wyll/Lae'zel/REDACTED [yeah that's the polyam!]. Is, technically, Isyl's younger sibling.
Isyl Shadowhoard (right): aka The Dark Urge. Cleric of Light [hhaha] of Lathander, ???? (trans and nb). Potential Romance Barcus. Is, definitely, Amryl's older sibling. Isyl remembers that fact and Isyl remembers Lathander. Everything else is secondary. Right?
#meet my tavs#grapes chars#bg3: kendis wolfcrossing#oc: kaeliana#oc: amryl shadowhoard#oc: isyl shadowhoard#bg3 tav#bg3 durge#grapecase posts#meet my ocs#the thing im most excited for isyl is tthe sibling stuff and the struggle between past and 'nature' and ofc exploring duergar shit but i#hope isyl can be a particular shit to wulbern#im more excited about the barcus 'romance' than i expected?#i need to learnmroe about him#kendis is supposed to have a scar over their black/white eye. idk if its hard to see bc of teh tadpole eating or if a mod took it off#i'll check later#this is my current [mostly] active PTs.#but i have like six others in the shadows? lol and one nebulous plan. bc i dont have a geriatric. i wanted to make an old man githyanki but#then the enbies ate my brain#also tho some people put nb as under the trans umbrella i know some people see it as a separate umbrella.#i feel isyl sees themselves as both. they transitioned but they also see themselves as nonbinary. kendis sees being nonbinary as both in#a weird way like its own seperate thing but also under the umbrella? idk a venn diagram? i just vibe for kendis#kae proudly has a girldick. and proudly is a woman. i have mixed ideaas on when she transitioned. im sure it would have been a mess. but it#HERS.#[on the one hand i dont think bhaal cares. but on the other hand idky i feel bhaalists would get very evangelical about it. like THIS IS TH#BODY BHAAL MADE. A RE YOU SAYING BHAAL ERRED???]#amryl is they/it nonbinary. trans. wte. but they're also i think one of those nonbinary unless it's 'god forbid women are allowed to do ANY#HING'#lmao#okay okay im going back to my burrow
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tbh one of my biggest learning curves w folk culture was learning that the desire for stuff to be super old is kind of dangerous & directly enables a lot of the romantic-nationalist and outright fascist myths & tropes to continue. stuff in oral culture just often doesn't 'survive' or isn't recorded very well, but the very concept of 'survivals' being important has a deep&dark relationship with colonialism. at a certain point you have to ask yourself if something being older actually is inherently better or if you're just denying autonomy to oral culture. w the xmas tree example, is it really cooler if xmas trees are some disembodied 'survival' of the Collective Wellspring of the Ancient German Volk Stock or is it not kind of fascinating that central european peasants in the late medieval/early modern period seem to have just started doing that all of a sudden like it was the new interior design trend? idk like i love weird fragmentary maybe-ancient ballads as much as the next person but i would never let that make me turn a blind eye to the beautiful richness of more recent oral culture that gives us such heartbreaking personal insights into the life of some individual victorian woman in favour of imagining whatever i want about a faceless mass. and when you actually study ballads in context you see how much different individuals repurpose them and how much the idea that some perfect Original is being lost each time they do is so reactionary and ignorant & you get real w yourself about the fact that the real allure of that fragment is its mystery when other similar songs better 'preserved' or documented actually turn out to be less than 250 years old suddenly don't seem so esoteric
anyway look at this
#i couldnt even begin to summarise this logic in a tumblr post but i do just wish ppl would like#unpack our obsession w antiquity in oral culture#and that like a hard date isnt actually what we're interested in but we want teh feeling of a certain mystique#and how loaded all that is#anyway the imagined village by georgina boyes is a great starting point for all that#im especially fascinated by the idea that anything christian is immediately like tame and uninteresting#because firstly that just normalises christianity as a default#and secondly folk christianity is fucking insane#and you can get so much more of the actual detail and context than obsessing over religions we literally know nothing abt the practise of#anyway. tradition is just the fossilised skeleton of culture
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human contradiction
a symbolic piece of jet set radio art that is so mired in headcanon/au stuff that the symbolism has no basis in canon and its halfway to nonsense. this is a picture of Beat
i actually had this art sitting around in my files for like half a year because i felt, like, Embarrassed to post this. but life is too short not to embrace the ouroboros of hypfix bullshit and i also want it out of my to post folder
bwaah
i dont even remember why i drew a bwaah of the Purely Metaphorical Cabbit Beat. whatever. bwaah
#jet set radio#beat jsr#jsr#jsr beat#FOR SOME EXPLANATION FOR TEH CURIOUS:#in me and my sibling's take on jsr (jet set radio paradox is wat we call it lol)#we ended up going with the ''beat is gouji's kid'' theory#(i know very uncharacteristic of me to just roll with a popular fanon theory like that. forgive me)#and like theres a lot i could say about that decision but whats relevant to this art#is that beat was doig a Lot of self-identity suppression until he ran away#he was like. worlds scariest 12 year old tbh.#ALSO weve associated beat with both rabbits and cats. so i guess Whatever. Cabbit#ugh beat of COURSE youre such a special boy you get to have a mythical creature fursona.#this is the second time a character has been assigned Cabbit for symbolic reasons. huh#Does this mean Gouji's secondary fursona (aside from a rhino) is a cat? Yes. I'm sorry#somewhere in the depths of pseud's files there is a gouji catboy drawing#this is such a low quality infodump but in my defense its been like 6 months since this drawing#there is more to this i do not remember how to put it into words.#the thoughts are not fresh in my mind.#i jast need to get this posted while im feeling brave so it doesnt rot.
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its not even just seeing her that im worired about . im so dreading going back cuz everyones gonna be like 'so have you seen your pookie yet!!' and im gonna have to sit there and look embarrasing and stupid as fuck saying 'oh we broke up. yeah sorry i know i ranted to you guys all the tiem about how much i liked her and made you all listen to everything we did on some reandom date only for us to break up almost out of nowhere. sorry for letting you down and wasting your time' like fuckkkk . im gonna look so fucking stupid saying all this cuz they all knew how much we liked each other. theyre all gonna look at me in so much fucking pity and i dont want to deal with all that
#in reality theyre not going to care that much. like i know theyll feel bad for me in the moment but theyll all go back to their own issues#the next day#but just having to even say teh words 'we broke up' i hate the thought of it#cuz even if only for a few minutes theyre still all gonna look at me with pity and i hate hate hate to think about it#cuz its just gonna make me sadder#cuz i look dumb as shit now!!!! i look fuckign desperate and i look stupid because they all knew how much i liked her!!!!!!!!!!!#theyre all gonan be like 'ohhhh i feel so bad for her. maybe her gf didnt actually like her that much' WHIHC ISNT EVEN TRUEEEE#you know what i think my main issue i sthat i just want this coming weekend to be over#cuz i was gonna do so much w her and once this weekend is over i dont have to think about all teh things we were gonna do#and at least ill get over w the awkward 'yeah we broke up' with all my friends#and im already planning going out to parties on saturday and im kinda dreading it but i also know ill probably feel better if i do go out#so like im ready to go back to campus because a) ill have my friends again which means b) ill have things to actually distract me#but im also so dreading it because i dont get to do any of those things with her.#like thats why i was even excited about this semseter!!!! cuz id get to spendeven more time with her!!!! but now i cant!!!!!!!#sunny rambles
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yknow i have a lot of aus in my brain but the one currently spinning in my lobes is a stardust au. like. honestly it really works both ways like. i feel like thematically it's probably more appropriate for ted to be the star, changing trent's life forever, but my first thought was like. michelle asks ted to bring her a star, because he's always trying so hard to please her and she needs space and he will literally pluck a star from the sky if it means making her happy--only instead he finds a man where that star fell (he's beautiful, but ted tries not to notice) who's rather disgruntled with being on the ground, suddenly. and like. idk man i'd have to watch the movie again to really get into this au either way but i am just spinning it. slowly rotating it.
#like i appreciate that star!ted probably makes more sense but i just have this like#really really strong mental image of trent half on the ground#hair in his face and disheveled and in a crater and so far from home so alone. and he's just. glowing. shining#anyway there'd be a lot of logistics to work out--presumably michelle and ted are already divorced or can somehow work that out BEFORE#the whole burgeoning romance#and like. how do the kids fit in? i can definitely make henry fit but would crimmlet 😭#this is stupid probably but i just have the image of like when theyre with teh sky pirates#trent--a STAR--coming across a little stowaway#and yes that whole montage of like. swordfighting + dancing + bonding with the pirates but also trent. accidentally acquires. a daughter!#a whole daughter. that's an entire child#but like. this is beginning to really skew from the actual plot of stardust but that's okay i'm going off vibes#so like. trent is falling in love (something something star falling from the sky?) and he knows that ted is tryin gto bring him back#to the person he really loves#that he's a catalyst for ted's happiness but not the cause#and he expects ted to let him down gently#and like. he imagines a million ways it'll go and in the best ones ted still worries about him and wants to be his friend#and trent tells him not to worry because he doesn't want to go back to the sky anymore. he has a little girl to look after.#so they can still be friends. (and trent's okay with that! really!)#never in a million years does he think ted will choose him#also from michelle's pov this has got to be wild. you tell your ex husband you'll consider trying again if he brings her a star#bc that's insane but it'll get him off your back for a while#and then he comes back with some guy with fabulous hair and is like#good news! i found the star. bad--or. weird? weird news! i'm in love with him.#like. alright. that's one way to secure the divorce. cool.#oh so henry has a sister now? interesting. cool. cool cool cool. hey ted remember our therapi#like ted isnt actually trying to get michelle back you see hes trying to get NORMALCY back#his family with henry his happiness etc#and trent and co (THE PIRATES ARE THE PLAYERS ARENT THEY DKFJNFK) help him realize he cant go back#but he can go forward#tvtcau
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