#cuz its just gonna make me sadder

[thebigqueer]

its not even just seeing her that im worired about . im so dreading going back cuz everyones gonna be like 'so have you seen your pookie yet!!' and im gonna have to sit there and look embarrasing and stupid as fuck saying 'oh we broke up. yeah sorry i know i ranted to you guys all the tiem about how much i liked her and made you all listen to everything we did on some reandom date only for us to break up almost out of nowhere. sorry for letting you down and wasting your time' like fuckkkk . im gonna look so fucking stupid saying all this cuz they all knew how much we liked each other. theyre all gonna look at me in so much fucking pity and i dont want to deal with all that

[sosoribro]

hey hey shut up im not done being cringe about rouxls yet. stage whatever: BIG LORE HEADCANON

ITS UNDER THE CUT CUZ ITS KINDA LONG AND YAPPY

so basically what if he is kinda just

a guy

who isnt very logically smart

but is still just a guy

right so

what if he only became the duke of puzzles because king just saw the fanciest guy there and assumed he would do a good job

and you see what if rouxls desperately wants as much power as possible because he is horribly afraid of stepping out of line BECAUSE OF king's takeover and thats why he wants to be correct and right all the time which we know because hes always switiching sides

so what im saying is rouxls was just some fancy moderately-powerful guy in the castle until king took the whole place over and threw him in charge of puzzles and ROUXLS SAID NOTHING HE DID NOT CLARIFY THAT HE WAS NOT A GOOD PICK AT ALL, AND THAT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED TO DISAGREE WITH THE KING BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE LOVES HAVING POWER BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE CAN............ look look im gonna say it im gonna say it MAKE HIS OWN RULES. ROUXLS IF YOU WILL. BECAUSE THAT IS HIS WHOLE THING AS WE KNOW.

so lets recap again

rouxls is a guy

rouxls gets thrown into a higher position of power despite being a horrible choice for it

rouxls says nothing because king scary and power good

rouxls is also nervous all the time wait what?

allow me to elaborate

i think that deep down, WAY WAY WAY DEEP DOWN, rouxls is genuinely likeable

hes just trying very VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HARD to appear confident and powerful.

see what if before the king got goofy and blah blah blah took over

what if rouxls was just like

very socially awkward (but he lowkey still is)

like he was respected he was fancy he probably played croquet or something he looked after his worm terrarium which he definitely has you cant lie to me

he wasnt dumb he was just not really good at talking to people and also not very logically smart

his intelligence simply resided elsewhere like insects and maybe fancy dancing i dunno i havent asked him

essentially his excessive pride is just to over-compensate for the fact that hes nervous all the time

he doesn't want to display any signs of said nervousness because he feels that if he does, it'll cost him his status and respect

so now another recap

rouxls is secretly (we can all tell actually) a nervous wreck who is scared of stepping out of line and who deep down just wants to ballroom dance and play croquet and maybe teach lancer how to play the piano wait whaaaat????

let's talk lancer.

we know that rouxls genuinely cares for lancer because he asks how he is even when hes still trying to hate the party.

BUUUUT LETS MAKE THIS EVEN CUTER OR SADDER I CANT TELL

rouxls knows how absolutely terrifying the king is and so he kind of always worried about lancer. but when the king began to neglect his son that really made it clear that the kid needed better care.

by now, rouxls was used to acting all high-and-mighty, but at some point he decided to drop the act just a little bit to check on lancer who was probably sat by himself looking a bit sad

and yeah he finds lancer annoying quite a bit of the time but he knows he needs looking after

and often he may genuinely enjoy himself when hes playing with him because he can forget about having to appear smart and powerful

he's still annoyed about the whole "lesser dad" thing tho and the splat noises

now i know what you're thinking "but what about the accent"

who knows, maybe its his real accent, maybe it isnt

but i do think it would be funny if he's been saying "-eth" so much he sometimes accidentally uses the "th" sound instead of the "s" sound e.g "lanther- i I MEAN LANCER"

basically hes slowly giving himself a lisp

now all that is well and good but of course it is mostly just headcanons.

he could just be

well

stupid

and thats funny

but this? its lore

let me cooketh

[tiny-flickers]

i actually wrote down all my thoughts as i listened to the sounds of nightmares and i thought they would be funny to share so here (instagram followers have already seen this but.)

all under cut bc i’m just gonna post it all at once (brackets are things i added later)

—————

ch 1: the workers in the walls

“patient number 1220… referring to children by numbers…….” is SOOOO CRAZY LMFAOO 😭 they know what they did there

imagine being named “no one” (noone) bro that is crazy. that’s even sadder than “mono” because at least he is SOMEBODY. like ik that’s not her actual name but the fact that that’s what she chose as her alias…

“otto” sounds a bit similar to “mono” idk [no it does not?? idk what i was going on about here]

i wonder if noone’s nightmare of being trapped inside a giant relates at all to the giant baby that’s going to appear in ln3

i wonder if she’s talking about the wax bellman (who was removed from the games but still has a portrait in the maw) when she describes the guy who appears in that room in her nightmare [she wasn’t btw]

the shadow children???? or glitched remains perhaps

the music & audio is very maw-like

gears?? making a song???? the giant is totally some sort of living music box or whatever. & she keeps describing the area as being made of stone and it’s sort of implied in the ln3 trailer that the giant baby turns people into stone so…

noone distinctly smelling this chained up guy and saying that he smells of sausages gone badly is sooo guestcore

perhaps the world of little nightmares is an alternate dimension which one can access through dreams

the lady??? noone describes her as being the keeper of the stone giant and the world beyond the walls

AND describes her face as being equally old and young

or perhaps the “stone giant” IS the maw [it’s not]

“the ceiling was a white clock face, but all the numbers were wrong” time loop reference fr

oh yeah this is a prison

so it’s gotta be the maw or something similar at least (but it doesn’t seem to be a boat so)

ok when the mysterious lady appears and gets noone’s dream friend the lady attack music from the first game plays which definitely makes me think she is the actual lady. and she’s covered in chains because she herself is a prisoner if you think about it (especially considering the six/lady connection)

and noone describes her mouth as having “blackened teeth inside; hungry for something” which further emphasizes the connection

^^“…something that swelled inside me” she wanted her SOUL fr!!!!!

noone saying that she feels like she doesn’t exist sometimes :( probably why she chose the name

also “water sickness”???? silo??? [silo trilogy reference]

she thinks she’s possessed by bugs or whatever and idk if that will connect to ln3 or what [more like parasites but.]

mutual dreaming bro what if that’s what happened with six and mono

see cuz “cece” kinda sounds like “six” too (i mean i’ve already seen theories about this but)

ch 2: a penance at the bathhouse

“the candleman” has GOTTA be the wax guy [except he’s not…. the name really threw me off here]

noone says she likes moths. there are big moths that can be seen in cages in ln2

noone’s nightmare!!! maw reference!!! she saw an ocean and saw a bunch of boats coming out?? “and from their mouths, plump men and women emerged. faces hidden behind wooden masks” ITS THE GUESTSSSS!!!! are all these “fish-like contraptions” part of the maw then?

also she mentions that they’re going to a “lantern-lit market” which might be what we saw in the ln3 trailer???

“a voice whispered ‘hey!’” LN2 REFERENCE

“gazing into its spiral always gave me relief” no man you are going to be hypnotized!!!! hypnotherapy is a bad idea in the little nightmares world!!!!!!!!!!

noone saying that the candleman wants her to open herself to this world and that he’s been with her all along…… i feel like that sort of connects to the wax bellman’s profession LMAO [HELP]

makes sense that these guests would be obsessed with cleansing and purification considering the masks and the fact that they were likely warped by the signal tower

“i was quite happy surrounded by the dark” six energy

ch 3: the theater of the mind

yippee!! [I FORGOT TO DELETE THIS ONE LMAO]

“in the dark, a hand let go of mine” SIX & MONO REFERENCE

noone being trapped in this big shopping mall is kinda giving fnaf security breach tbh

mannequins…. no……… not again….

the projector shaped like a giant eye??? like in the maw??

THEY CALLED HER NO ONE :(( NOOOOO THATS WHAT HER BULLIES CALLED HER NOO

no wonder she chose that name

“this place had been warped by pain” “even the walls began throbbing” definitely related to the signal tower

“don’t take her. not this one, too” ok but what if that’s like. mono or something trying to get someone to stay with him in his nightmare [it’s not but that would be cool]

ok so noone was on tv probably because of her sickness thing but the fact that tvs are such a prominent thing in the ln world also makes it suspicious….

ok so otto’s professor was like what if there’s other realities beyond our perception guys lol [ln multiverse]

ch 4: two of a kind

oh ok so he kinda does believe that noone is traveling to another reality/world at night not only because of her nightmares but because her body keeps disappearing before his eyes….

guys this would be so crazy for my ln/dracula au [LMAOOO]

she’s going into the upside down fr

guys they’re going on a ferris wheel

is this like the carnival place that’s gonna be in ln3

“it’s nowhere” that’s the world the games are set in!!!

not sure if this means that six & the other characters are just dreaming or if noone is just in a world parallel to theirs

perhaps cece is a previous version of the lady

wait he just said “the ferryman” ????? not the candleman?? like the ferryman from little nightmares???!!! the guy who took six to the maw??!?!?!1!?! [guys no way it’s the ferryman from little nightmares]

ok yes i’m thinking now that the nowhere is a parallel universe

ch 5: a deluge of the inevitable

i guess it would make sense that the candleman/ferryman is the guardian between worlds since he’s sort of like. someone who delivers people between places (like six to the maw) plus the two characters do look similar… the ferryman could totally be the candleman but just wearing a mask [i was too fixated on the wax bellman thing]

noone has a tumor???? wtf!!?? :( is this because of the water sickness or whatever

nome???? ITS A NOME!!!!! THERES A NOME IN THE SEWERS!!!!!

“little mushroom fairy” awww

“the first non-hostile being you’ve met that wasn’t another child” oh buddy do i have something to tell you

“you believe this place transformed him?” YES THE SIGNAL TOWER DID IT!!!!

BRO IS GETTING POSSESSED BY THE SIGNAL TOWER LMFAOOOO

ok so otto created this contraption that allows noone’s dreams to be projected onto a screen

but the screen was all blinding and static-y and showed a creepy eye looking at him….

the signal tower’s transmissions are gonna leak into your world bro do you have any idea what you’ve done [it didn’t really but. this would have been an interesting way the story could have gone]

ch 6: the lonely way

she reappeared somewhere that was not her bed?? weird

nawww he’s just using her now

i was wondering why otto was calling the candleman the ferryman but it’s because that’s what cece called him… and that’s what we know him by because of six…

“a doctor’s coat, a pink tutu and shoes, and a yellow raincoat”

THE RAINCOAT BROOO (and ik otto reacted strangely to the fact that it was yellow which is why ppl think cece is six but i’m not sure yet)

“tan trenchcoat” that is SO mono

“a shape in the distance. an outline of a door,” DONT OPEN IT DONT OPEN ITTT!!!!!

“it’s a liquid” it’s the signal tower goop! do not open the door bff!!!!

I KNEW THE DOOR WAS GOIJG TO HAVE AN EYE ON IT GOD DAMN IT DONT OPEN IT!!! THE THJN MAN IS IN THERE!!!

ahh shit the door is creaking open

wait the candleman is behind the door? not the thin man?? maybe this specific door is the bridge between the worlds then (bc noone said it didn’t have a doorknob on it which i’m pretty sure it did in the game)

“where is my sister” wait is cece his sister :00

ohh that’s why noone asked if the picture otto had was of his daughter because she looked so young…. but he just lost her at a really young age

the stairs are going every direction at once?? this HAS to be the signal tower. or some dream-like manifestation of it at least

all the stars noone sees in this place are EYES i KNEW it!!! the facade is crumbling!! it’s the signal tower!!!!!!

the door merging into faces of children… probably the children that were taken to feed the signal tower….

nawww he’s going to start experimenting on another kid now 😭

wait so did the candleman just… take noone away????? I NEED MORE EXPLANATION HELLO??????

wait if it was the lady that was the weird mannequin it would make sense for her to have the raincoat in her chest wouldn’t it because of the pictures in her chambers of (possibly) rcg???

so if rcg IS her daughter then she probably would’ve gotten the raincoat from her

or maybe CECE is rcg….

idk i’m going to have to look up more theories now

[spewing my ‘rcg=flashlight girl and the lady’s daughter’ nonsense]

[himbos-hotline]

What do you think needs improvement in wwe and aew

OKAY so prefancing this by the fact I have not watch WWE in over a year and the only things I know about WWE now is what im getting from tumblr

both companies need to stop relying on the old stars/ old wrestlers needing either a money hit or a cash hit or like another grasp at talent. as much as I LOVE daddy ass and re-living my childhood in wrestling but like I get sooo tired of seeing people relive the glory days when they shouldnt *cough* ric flair *cough*. like theres sooo many talented younger wrestlers that arent getting shown on TV/ in the companies because older wrestlers get quick pops because of the nostalgia run. I see goldberg one more time I will actually explode.

Aew needs to book more womens matches and treat them at the same like bundle and preface as men! Like give us a womans blood and guts!! and more womens matches in genearal where its more of a rough and tumble vibe with blood. My favourite womens match is the thunder rosa brit baker cage match!! Also give me more nyla like I love nyla rose sooo much and shes so talented and cool and I wanna see her wrestle more

also things that feel like "small" tag teams, like the best friends, arent being like shown how talent they are. I know that sentence doesnt make sense. But re-watching aew during the pandemic era- where you had the trent vs kenny match it was so good and it really showwed just how cool and talented trent is in the ring and I think both him and chuck should be allowed to wrestle more and actually wrestle like do moves and win matches, theyre not just to push other talent or let newer tag teams win, its kinda depressing when taented wrestlers arent used in the way they deserve too

another thing and this is just for me, maybe this is just for me. Like long term storytelling suddenly either being shifted/stopped. Like do you remember when mox was facing [I think its either max or jericho] and someone like attacked him backstage and we NEVER EVER got told/figured out who attacked him and its kinda just been forgotten? ALSO as much as I love the elite and the hangkenny storyline and hangman rejoining the elite. He caused so much issues and trouble with everything and he hurt them, like matt said that bte episode "it hurt my heart" and theyve all like, just kinda accpeted him back. No like deep apology or "you have to prove yourself" or whatever. Its like they forgot the entire three year story they told. Also kenny finding out about the fucking nod- it could have been done so much deeper and sadder and emotional, the bucks have been there with kenny since his breakdown/breakup with kota and theyve always had his back until the one moment he needed them and they sided with hangman. But instead of all of that we got "k its cool" and I dont know if its gonna like come back up after all the kenny dealing with callis emotions is gone. Cuz thats gotta like fuck someone up mentally, suddenly loosing that abusive manipultive hold on you suddenly disappearing.

and FANS!! like, I love wrestling fans but also god I hate them so much. Guys, Guys I am begging y'all to stop showing wrestlers fanfics/ship-fanart and everything else. its not like made FOR them its made FOR other fans. I wouldnt want to be exposed to being shipped with my friends by people online. Like....ugh. ALSO like a small thing that pisses me off is fans thinking we can like, touch them in sexual ways. this is mostly cis-het men touching cis women wrestlers on their asses and tits. Like you wouldnt like if someone fondled your dick without asking. Concent is important and its not just for ike, fucking. its for every single thing in life. Yall can cuddle the wrestlers if they say you can but god if youre making people uncomfortable and gross its fucking bullshit and youre a sucky human being.

[alonelymidwestdreamer]

fuckin peachy

———

i really thought i could do it

i dont know why

well, no

fuck that

i do know why

i thought i could get my shit together, finally, because people are supporting me

because im not keeping myself in a shitty relationship

because im forcing myself to sit with just myself and learn to be ok with that

because im trying to be a good person

because i was making fucking progress

i was taking steps

someone, maybe everyone, is gonna say that progress isnt linear

but have you ever been forced off road after just getting off a detour, just getting used to a nice straight highway

it doesnt still feel like progress

in fact, it feels like why not take another drink, why not feel good instead of crying over a cancellation

it feels like why not pick that pocket knife back up, why not take a hammer to your knuckles till theyre all purple

why not see if that one girl you ruined ur life for over and over finally has u unblocked

it doesnt feel like progress

it feels like derailment

im losing my fucking mind

ive been watching this show

its sadder than hell but i can’t stop watching it

it reminds me of that girl who i, yk, ruined my life over

she was a pisces

it reminds me of her because it reminds me of all the trauma she sat through with me

it reminds me of being homeless and of my parents fights and my fights with my parents and just

everything

it reminds me of things i buried pretty damn deep

this show triggers the fuck out of me

i cant sit with myself reliving this shit, but she sat through all that with me as it happened

she was the only constant in my life for so many years

but me wanting to get better was the breaking point

that was the line

we used to scream at each other

shed trigger me on purpose when i made her mad

how fucked up is that

but when i wanted to fix myself, when i wanted to create a life that could hold her and i both in it without all the fucking anger

that was that

she still has me blocked

i havent told almost anyone, although now youll all know, but i made a new account, just to try to talk to her

when someones in ur life for so long and so deeply it just feels wrong when they leave

or maybe thats just me

i hadnt talked to her in like two years?

i just wanted to know what her life looks like now

she did not believe that

and shes still mad at me

ig i never realized she ruined her life over me too

when i asked how she was she said “what are you drunk or something?”

i really thought i could do it, i thought i could be ok

i just wanna get drunk

all the time

i wish i was drunk when i messaged her

i wish she was right

i wished a little too hard ig cuz i did start drinking again

i keep pretending its not all i think about

its not that serious, cant be

if it was that serious someone would notice right?

being drunk doesnt even feel great anymore

but if im gonna fuck up by just existing, at least i get an excuse if im shitfaced

i tried so hard

i mean im still trying

but every day i get closer to doing it again and again and again

isnt that embarrassing?

i dont like it, i dont want to

i just also dont like me very much

and who would even care

no one noticed the first time until i told them, i think honestly everyone preferred me buzzed all the time until they knew thats what it was

no one knew i was overdosing in bledsoes room either tho

sitting behind keleah in college algebra trig

the room spinning so violently i thought i was dying

i guess i was dying technically

after, i sat in the rose garden with someone and tried to breathe

i walked my siblings home

i thought i was gonna die

no one even knew

i went home and threw up four or five times

i threw up so much i thought i was gonna suffocate cuz i couldnt catch a breath

my mom didnt even ask why i threw up

so at least its just drinking again

and its not as frequent anyways

fuck i really was doing so good

i swear i was

[purelycathartic]

my last post was december 2017. it’s now december 2022. entering into 2023. 

and i just feel like i’m sadder than ever before. because i’ve now realized that the type of romance and love i believe in, is just a dream. the reason i get so heartbroken every single time is because 1) men are all assholes, and 2) hurting the people you love is just normalized. im the crazy one for always immensely putting everyone else’s feelings before my own. 

men operate with only their own happiness in mind, never their partner’s. i look at marriages and get so sad, because women do all the work. yet men will cheat. men will abuse. men will laugh and mock. but they’ll always do one thing tho - they’ll fuck you. they can see you as nothing, as garbage, as the biggest loser in the world, but they’ll still fuck you cuz they can’t fuck the girls they actually want!

hmm but even when they think they love you, theyll fuck other people. even when theyre happy with you, theyll think of other people. theyll talk to other people. their eyes will look for other people and desire them. 

since the last time i’ve posted here, i was on an upward trajectory for a while yknow? i was with a partner who loved me a lot, treated me like i was the most special person in the world. i was visibly happy, glowing, i remember 2018 and most of 2019 as a happy time in my life. which is .. extremely rare. 

and after that, everything’s just gone down to shit again. i am miserable - i hate looking at myself, i feel so disgusted looking at other couples, my own partner sometimes, i just feel so much pain. i am angry at God, i am angry at everyone and at this world for lying to me and raising me on the belief that true love is out there in the way i defined it. cuz its NOT. 

like i said. you gotta pick ur poison - a cheater, an abuser, an absent partner, a pig, the most common tho? a liar and a cheater. usually a mix of both but always a liar lol. 

i hate my life and i can’t wait to die. or better yet, i can’t wait to get my own apartment with my cat and just live the rest of my life alone, hugging myself and crying every day. everyone’s gonna move on (they already are) with their lives - getting married, seemingly being in love and having a partner who fulfills their needs. every night of my life I have asked Allah for signs, to give me something to let me know my fate. and everything has pointed to me not being meant for a life of companionship and romance. short-lived passion, solitude, and pain instead. 

i hate every single one of you for what you’ve done to me, and how your lives are all working out pain-free and karma free. i hate you all for making me feel so inadequate. i hate you for lying to me, for making me go insane, for making me think im the problem for years, only to realize it’s you. but no one will ever know, no one thinks you’re the crazy one, everyone knows me as this girl whos hysterical for no reason. im the ugly girl. im the angry girl. i do not respect you. i hate everything. 

[twstwonderlandstuff]

"D'aw, careful! I have no idea if tsum-tsum's have insurances and I don't have to money for it...!"

"Insurances? that's smancy Azul stuff! I don't know squat!"

Grim speaking is italicized while Valie speaks in bold.

Grim speaking is italicized while Valie speaks in bold. yay, tsum tsums! granted, they're not, you know, incredibly made but its cute and I like it LOL I was looking at my google docs and found that valie was supposed to have short hair because grim burnt it during their first meeting, so... I'm bringing that back! does it look more... boyish? cute? your honest opinion, please! now, the voice lines! I'm thinking of structuring them like how paimon and traveler (genshin impact) have their voice lines

Voice lines:

When Summoned:

A little me, how cute~! I wonder how they eat... hey, Grim, do you think they just consume whatever their eating? Howzzat gonna work? Fggna, what if they have a secret mouth or something?! That's so scary... ugh... you're just like Riddle. Yeah, I get ya partner. Small but SUPER scary- not like he scares me, though. Sure, Grimmy. Keep telling yourself that.

Summon Line:

The more you know, huh... First talking portraits, and now a little me and you, Grimmy. Hehe, more for me to boss around, cuz I'm their master!

Groooovy!!:

You miss Vivi, don't ya? Me too, but we'll see her soon, so cheer up. Okay, sweetheart? 'Sides, I'm here! I'm the best wizard and partner in the ENTIRE world, so don't worry, I'll definitely beat that old crow for ya!

Home: 

Welcome to Ramshackle! I wonder what your Ramshackle looks like... probs pretty small, huh? D'aw, that's pretty cute. Not! Cute! Cool! The word is COOL, henchman, get that in your head! Right, right. Ramshackle, best and coolest dorm ever in all the realms it has every existed in. No, seriously, we do have a pretty cool dorm. 10 ghosts, a human, and a monster- I'd say that's a pretty unique roommate arrangement. Ya forgot the other NRC weirdos that come and live with us. Lotsa' Pomefiore folks are comin' to stay with us. Epel's tsum's been affecting them loads, I guess. How about a check up to the guy? Let's go and see 'im! Hehe, I bet he'd look all tired and droopy.

Home Idle 1: 

My tsum keeps on layin' in the sun when I wanna practice magic with it! It's bein' a real pain! Doesn't that remind me of someone from a day ago... I wonder which magical monster said he'd do animal language BUT GUESS FUCKING WHAAT, NOOO he DIDN'T show uppp!! ...I- I forgot, and I- -Was instead sleeping in the courtyard, with Leona and Lucius. You and your tsum are exactly alike, I swear.

Home Idle 2:

Henchman, your tsum's been terrorizin' Sebek's tsum. He was yellin' at me to make you stop it. Huh, for real? Damn, okay, um. I'll head there. Wonder what it's actually doin'... [They were snuggling and pressing their noses affectionately against each other. It was very cute.]

Home Idle 3: 

I saw my tsum shedding tears while it started at Silver. I have never felt so heard in my entire life.

Home Idle - Login:

My tsum and Jack's were havin' a contest to see who's fastest, and I lost! Grr, I swear, even in tsum-form that guy's as jacked as a brick wall! Well I mean, he IS Jack, so I guess you could say he's Jack-Jacked. ...Henchman, you're humors gotten worse. PUNS, henchman? PUNS??? Blame Vivica, Trey and Jade. I swear, I thought puns were LAME but then Jade came up rollin' to me with Floyd's tsum and started telling it and I puns and it just... kept on... I ain't ever seen a sadder tsum. [sigh of dissapointment]

Home Idle - Groovy: 

Partner, how'd ya think the little tyrant's been dealin' with his tsum? Seeing the way he ran after it? I'd say they're going along swell. No clue for Leona, though. D'ya think they're both just sleeping all the time? Maybe. I heard from Ruggie that everyone in Savanaclaw thought Leona turned into a tsum, so they were cryin' their eyeballs out. That's sweet. I'm glad they're good with each other, even if they don't show it. Eww, you're being sappy right now. Gross. No, no, seriously! I'm glad they can still care for each other even after the overblot. That's like, a HUGE thing, you know? Ehh, I guess so. But the picture has me laughin'! Pfft... yeah, it is pretty funny! A bunch of buff dudes cryin' at this little thing.

Home Tap 1: 

G...Grimmy, have I ever told you how much I love you? Of course ya do! I'm the great Grim! Who doesn't love me?! No, I mean... have you seen our little tsums? I wanna see! Hehe, I bet I'm prankin' you REAL good! Try me, daelin. [Picture of them rolling around with the other first year tsums in front of Ramshackle.]

Home Tap 2: 

The ghosts are being MEAN, Valie! What'd they do, Grimmy? They're calling me tsum-tsum AND ME CUTE! We're NOT cute! We're COOL! I'll tell them off for ya, relax. Yes! Thanks, henchman! [proceeds to egg the ghosts on]

Home Tap 3:

I passed by Jack's tsum, and guess what? It ran for Epel's tsum, so I followed it. Then, my tsum joined 'em, and they were all runnin' around in the courtyard! I think Sebek's tsum joined us for a spell. Man, the look on Sebek AND Jack's face is just... immaculate. It wouldn't kill to see them chill out, you know? I mean, the tsums seem to be pretty fast friends. I'm gonna end up punting on of 'em, you just watch! Sure, Grimmy... sure. Wait, actually, how does a tsum-tsum hangout sound? We can hang with them AND take care of our tsums! 2 in 1! Not... not bad! For once, your brains actually useful, henchman! Rude~

Duo: [Grim]: Get your bat ready partner, 'cuz my flames are coming in HOT!

[Valencia]: I'm ALWAYS at the ready!

[kingzephy]

I have to drag this to a text post cuz my reply is getting way too long and I wanna put these together!!

@slothfuljeremiah @nowhere302

A8 - Favorite song(s)?

Ohhhhh strap in I have a lot of songs to talk about. Gonna break this down by game. I decided against doing any of the karaoke tracks cuz that would be its own big list by itself!

0 - ‘Pledge of Demon’ (Kuze’s theme from the sewer tunnel fight) is sooooo good I think most people would say thats probably the best track from 0

I also absolutely ADORE ‘For Buddy’ (Nishikiama’s ‘For Who’s Sake’ remix from the Nishiki Majima fight) it has a completely different vibe from ‘For Who’s Sake’ and the significance of it is so good. It somehow makes ‘For Who’s Sake’ even sadder.

Honorable mention to ‘Receive You the Subtype’ remix (Majima’s mad dog style battle theme)! And the Telephone Club minigame tracks also slap

1/k1 - Is it cheating if I say ‘Receive You the Prototype’? Although I have to say, the k1 remix of ‘For Who’s Sake’ (Nishikiama’s theme from the final battle) is SO GOOD. So good...

Also… how could you not love 'Funk Goes On'?? Get Fuuuunky

2/k2 - HUUUGE FAN of ‘A Scattered Moment’ (Ryuji’s theme that plays during the final battle of 2. Its absolutely amazing, not at all what I was expecting his theme to sound like but it *perfectly* encapsulates him and the desperation and pain and sadness of the final battle in 2. One of my favorite tracks just overall.

3 - ‘Fly’ (Mine’s theme) is. Really good! I think just about everyone would say this one, I can’t really think of anything else from 3 that I would note soundtrack wise

4 - ‘Receive and Bite You’!! Majima’s receive you remix in this game is really good. So much tension leading up to the Majima Saejima batting cage fight. It hypes me up Every Time and its just very Him

5 - I thiiink im gonna have to go with ‘So Much More’ (Haruka’s…. Theme? I guess) it was stuck in my head the whole time I was playing her stuff in 5. Her other songs are good too ofc but if I had to pick one it would be that one. I know, loophole. Whatever 5 is different

6 - I really really like ‘Theory of Beauty’ (Joongi’s theme). Idk it just gets me so pumped up every time. Songs to get naked and fight to the death in the underground bdsm fight ring underneath Stardust to. Iconic. 10/10

I also really love ‘Destiny’ (Someya’s theme) its similar to how I feel with ‘A Scattered Moment’. It encaptures him and his struggle so well.

7 - Big BIG fan of both Majima and Kiryu’s receive you remixes from 7, ‘Receive You the Hyperactive’/‘Receive and Turn You’, and ‘Rolling Eyes Fall Down the Dragon Wall’ of course. Both of them are just incredible.

I also really LOVE ‘Confrontation/Brutality’, (Sawashiro’s theme) it just perfectly captures what he’s about as a character so nicely, I love him a lot. Plus it slaps incredibly hard. I think overall 7 has my favorite tracks. All the battle themes are also very good

C9 - What was the most emotional scene in the series?

This is TOUGH. Theres sooo many gut wrenching emotional scenes and these games are really REALLY good at them sometimes. Im gonna have to say something from 0 probably, that game made me cry several times on my first playthrough. So many memorable emotional scenes, but I think im gonna go with the ending. Without spoiling too much I think anyone whos seen it knows exactly what im talking about. This or the scene in the empty lot after a certain characters death (you know the one)

Honorable mention to y3 and the thing w Rikiya. yeah

D1 - Who’s the most overrated character?

First off before I say this, I really dont think ANY of the characters in this game are overrated. I stewed on this for a while, I just cant think of anyone id call truly overrated. But. Listen. Okay I cant believe im gonna say this everyone knows I love him so dearly he is my everything- but it’s Majima? I guess? I really don’t wanna call him *overrated* per se thats not the right word because he deserves all the love he gets, but he is just. so. He's Inescapable. I almost feel bad for anyone who likes these games but doesnt like him because hes quite literally everywhere- and. hes not even in the games that much!!! I quite literally cant think of any other character I could possibly say here

And its not that hes overrated, hes a fantastic character and hes SO fun to think about and analyze I love him dearly more than anything but he just blows everyone else out of the water? No contest. Its amazing. Theres just no other character quite as beloved as him in this fandom. For better or worse.

E4 - Ramen or Takoyaki?

Literally go fuck yourself. Dont pit two bad bitches against each other like this. An impossible question. Id rather die than answer this for real

F3 - Who are you inviting to karaoke?

Majima! Duh!! No question, he’s just TOO much fun- no other character has even half as much of a blast as him at karaoke. Irl I would be WAY too shy to do something like that around anyone but I think doing karaoke w him would be SO much fun and it would make me laugh like. A Lot

A5 - Favorite final boss(es)?

Im gonna be boring and say Ryuji because I love him, and he deserved so much better and that fight is so devastating. But I also really enjoy the final battle in 7, not because its particularly tough or entertaining its just the story significance of it is really cool. I wont spoil anything about it but I enjoy it!

Also. Honorable mention to Nishiki of course. I have to say him as well Rook brings up a good point tho…. final battle w Majima in y5 also..

Feel free to ask some more!

[franeridart]

Anon said: Okay so scrolling through ur jjk makes me even sadder actually. Amazing art tho dont get me wrong ive been here since u were into haikyuu but god this is just adding salt to the wounds. At least its pretty salt with emotional value and stuff

HAH it’s okay I get where you’re coming from lmao personally I find it healing for me specifically to spend a few straight hours in a universe where they’re all happy and okay, but I can see why for some people looking at the could-have-been’s might make it more obvious of how bad things are in canon actually rip

Anon said:Hey bestie its me. I did catch up to the manga. Wtf im in so much pain. But when i recover i apologise for the spam reblogging. Anyways damn. Damn. Just. The manga really hit me

So glad to hear it got to you too 🙏 sorry for the pain, but, I mean, it’s good pain isn’t it! at least there’s that haha

Anon said:your drawings of gojo being clingy to suguru is so cute! ahhh now im thinking about how infinity must makes gojo touch starved so everytime after mission when he knows he's not in danger anymore he always clings to suguru and never let go like an overgrown koala😭❤

Anon the thought of Satoru keeping his infinity off for Suguru and Shoko exclusively and of Suguru being still an exception even after everything till the very end keeps me up at night it’s my favorite headcanon I !!!! love just how deliberate on Satoru’s part every received touch is, it makes the fact that he’s willing to be touched by them so much more significant  😭😭

Anon said: What are your thoughts on Wakunan, if you still in Haikyuu? My favorite member is Matsushima.

I AM in fact still into haikyuu, but anon I’m so sorry I straight up had to google who these guys are I totally forgot they even existed ??? I feel so bad oh my god 😂 I’d say it’s fair to guess my thoughts on them are non-existent m( ,_, )m sorr

Anon said: Wanted to come by and say I love how you do faces and expressions and mapping in your comics. U are super talented and I love your art style, I hope the universe brings you something nice bc your work always brightens my day when it comes across my dash

ANONNNNNNNN the nice thing the universe brought me was your ask!!!! this kind of stuff is so rewarding to hear thank you so much!!!!! <3<3

Anon said: hiii have you added any jjk prints to your redbubble yet?

Not yet! Still trying to figure out if there’s anything worthy of being uploaded on there, since 99% of it was made on procreate and I’m still figuring it out... I’ll see what I can do! Thank you for being interested!!!!

Anon said: It’s been a while since you’ve drawn BNHA! I kinda miss it tbh... but I bow down to your godlike art n( ._.)n Also s5 is out tomorrow and I’m so hyped!!!

Anon said: hi! no pressure, i love your jjk art its so incredible, but do you have any bnha art in the works or have you mostly left it for jujutsu kaisen? either way theyre amazing shows, just asking!

Anon said: Do you still do BNHA fanarts or has your focus shifted over to jjk totally?

It has been a while, hasn’t it! I don’t currently have anything in the work but there’s a couple things I’ve been keeping on the backburner of my brain as a reminder that I want to draw them as soon as the mood strikes - it won’t be krbk tho! Just putting it out there. I can’t say whether I’ll ever draw that again as of now, ngl, I’d need hori to backtrack on what he did with them a lot to feel inspired for them again, sadly 🙏

Anon said: as someone who doesnt read the jjk manga and only watches the anime i am very confused by everything on this blog but were gonna ignore that cuz art pretty

Oh my god it’s just a ton of spoilers for you isn’t it 😂 I’m glad you still stick around despite all of it being meaningless to you, tho!! Thank you so much!!! <3<3

Anon said: I love your drawing so much, it's inspired me to draw more and refine my own art style!! I've got a request tho... how bout kiribaku childhood friends au?? Ik you've already drawn some but they would be so cuuute as children

SUPER GLAD to hear my stuff could make you feel like drawing more!!! That’s always a wonderful, amazing thing to hear!!!! But as I said for now I don’t have any plans of drawing krbk for a while, so sorry! ;; hope you’ll understand  🙏

Anon said: Bruh your reincarnation au, for a good while my brain didnt comprehend that satoru had his glasses hanging of his hoodie but instead interpreted it as one of those school girl tie things. Bruh i thought he was wearing a schoolgirl uniform my mind was goin wild with it

I need you to know that I’ve been thinking about this ask since I got it. It’s been stuck in my brain. It’s just been constantly there. He’d rock it, btw

[sukirichi]

OH. MY. GOD.

SUKI YOU DID NOT JUST STAB MY SOUL LIKE THAT— I SHOULD’VE KNOWN I WAS TOO WEAK FOR MITSUYA ANGST HNGHH (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

I was either screaming or wailing the entire time cuz I couldn’t handle Y/N shouldering all the pain alone *sobs*

SOMETHING told me that the twin will confess to Takashi as soon as they made the pinky promise cuz HELLO?? WHAT A WAY TO MAKE IT HURT MORE BY MAKING IT A SISTER-TO-SISTER THING RIGHT??

And they just HAD to be identical twins— fuck. AND JUST LIKE 🐣 ANON SAID, that would make Y/N feel even sadder in a sense 😭😭😭 being siblings is one thing but being an identical twin puts you on a whole ‘nother level of pain

Your response to what would’ve happened if Y/N decided to go with the confession either way broke me like a stick 👹. Babe, are we seriously saying that Takashi will choose Y/N at the end if only she had revealed the secret?? 😭😭

It feels like a punch to the gut every time she’s wondering “what if I got there sooner” because we gotta remember that the sister is a good person. A kind and caring sister that has thoroughly shown in the fic exactly that. Both her and Takashi are nice ppl so I get why Y/N didn’t wanted to ruin it for the two ppl she held the closest OH LAWD I WANNA BAWL AGAIN— 😭😭😭

AND QUEEN— YOU JUST HAD TO SEAL THE COFFIN BY NOT LETTING TAKASHI AND SIS KNOW TILL THE VERY END?? 😩😩 The whole time I was praying for him to actually notice, put two and two together. Like, I thought it was gonna happen when they were sitting on the bench under the snowflakes bc the scenary seemed rlly fitting?? But ofc Y/N’s gonna pull a Mikey— “shoulder all the pain so your loved ones could be happy hm?”

And don’t even get me started on the bracelet, the way Y/N’s gonna live thinking he threw it away is too much 😭😭 esp since it was her last gift for him

All that rant (and tears) aside, I really really loved this masterpiece and thank u sm for writing it and also bb @mephiis for the big brain idea 🤧🤧

Always remember to stay healthy and get lots of rest <33 your well-being comes first Suki MWAH 💕

MITSUYA ANGST 😭😭😭 AND YES THEY ENDED UP LIKING THE SAME PERSON AND ITS 💔 i think my fav part about ‘to second chances’ isn’t that mitsuya liked her sister bcos she’s ‘prettier’ or ‘more popular’ but rather its bcos her sister was the first to confess and make a move. had y/n done something about it and personally told him everything, he would’ve actually liked her back so its fair chance 😭 but yeah ig the main theme is that you can’t wait for the opportunity, you have to make it for yourself otherwise everything will just slip away from ur fingers !! anyways, cough, lesson learned.

and the scenery where they were talking in the snow 😭 how i wish she could’ve told him everything then but mitsuya was like, “i’m happy with your sister” and y/n is like OKAY NOTED 😔 omg she really did pull a mikey huh, i just realized that. and thank you sm i’m glad you like it hehehe !! and abell did request mitsuya fics but instead of giving her a happy one that could’ve made others happy, i kind of want pain and angst 🤔🤔🤔 and thank you for this, stay healthy too !!

[bloopbyoop]

weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy.  Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!! 

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe. 

x :D

[arthurflecksgirl]

Arthur Fleck fanfiction “Reflections” part 1-3

Some sweet, soft Arthur Fleck fanfiction.

I hope you enjoy it :)

...

Reflections

Cold floor, shaking hands and soaked clothes. I’m not sure what got me here. I’m lying on the ground in a city that feels awkwardly strange to me. Loud and dusty. Strangers are passing me by without taking notice. I try to stand up. Look around, rubbing my eyes. The headlights hurt my eyes. All those skyscrapers make the sky seem so tiney, like its getting smaller and tighter everytime I Iook up. There is a lack of space. A lack of warmth. I’m freezing as I stay up, trying to remember how I got here. Nothing. I feel like a sleepwalker as I cross a road named Anderson avenue. I just wanna get away from the crowds. All those strangers who don’t even look at me. Am I even there? Am I hallucinating? A long, grey stair appears in front of me and it feels real as I get up. Cuz I feel the burning pain in my bones. Step for step. I’m heavy breathing as I make it to the top. All I can think of is to find a place to rest. An open door, so I can hide from the cold.

I got lucky. The postman just left an door open and I find myself in an kinda wrecked building. You can hear people arguing behind closed doors and it smells like the windows heaven’t been open for weeks.

I’m not sure what I hope to find but a place to spent the night would be helpful since I lost my memory. There is an elevator. Maybe I could hide in it. I enter it and decide to go up. More people fighting and funny smells. I bet most people here wish to live somewhere else. This place drains the life out of you. But I’m too tired to care. I just wanna take a nap and tomorrow I will find out how I’d gotten here.

And there is it. Right in front of me. An open door. No noises. Maybe no one’s home? But why’s the door open?

“Hello? Excuse me, is someome home? You left your door open“ . No one is answering. So I take a slow step through the door into a cosy apartment. It looks like it has been stuck in the 80ies. The furniture looks used but nice. Someone left the light on. I lie down at the beige couch. Surely the people who live here will be back soon. The old,woody furniture ,the pictures on the walls and the TV tells me it must be an old lady living here. So I will tell her the truth and hope she lets me rest for the night.

I grab myself a pillow. Looks like someone sleeps on the couch. The pillow smells nice. A mixture of Prell shampoo, cocoanut, cigarettes and a bit of sweat. Not like an old lady at all. What if this couch belongs to someone else? I drift away in daydreams. Not really asleep, not fully awake. Suddenly I feel like I have been here before. Like I have slept here before. The comfort of the blankets. The scent of them. It feels familiar. My eyes are closing. Finally.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?“ Am I still asleep? “Hello? Can you hear me?“ The voice of a man wakes me from the strangest dream. “Ms.?“ His voice sounds soft. Shy even. I open my eyes. The beauty I see is running through my veins. The most intense eyes I have ever seen are piercing me with curiousity. Green, with tiney sparkles of deep blue. I linger on them, then notice a unique formed nose which leads to a beautiful scar on his thin lips. I cannot take my eyes off it. It makes him look a bit unpredictable. Wild. Sexy. He looks confused. “Ms.? Wat are you doing at my apartment?“ Now I remember. I overslept at a strangers home. The one living here must be him. That scent. I look at him, unable to reply something. His appearance overwhelms me. He’s obviously nerveous. His hands in his neck long, brown, greasy hair. Which gives him an kinda innocent contrast to his slightly dangerous expression. “I..I’m sorry. I have to leave“ I hasitate as I stay up so fast I get dizzy. “I woke up in the streets and didnt knew where I was or how did I got here. I just wanted to close my eyes for a sec and the door was open. And…“ my heart rages. Will he get angry? Call the police? “Sir, I am so sorry I …“ “ Shhh“ he says “Don’t be. Its okay. I belive you. Sometimes I dont know where to go,too. Sit down and relax. I’ll get some coffee.“ I cannot belive my eyes as he goes to the kitchen and comes back with two cups that say “Live at the Murray Franklin show“. Isnt that show from the 80ies,too? “Here is your coffee. Now tell me how you think you got here. I’m Arthur Fleck.“

Arthur Fleck. What a name. There is something about the sound of it. I cannot even tell what it is. He takes a sip of his coffee. Just one sip before putting a cigarette between his lips. “Want one?“ he asks. “No thanks, I dont smoke“.

I notice a whole bunch of medication on the table. It has his name on it. For a second I am worried he caughts me staring at it but he is about to turn on the tv. “Do you like the Murray Franklin show?“ he asks while taking an old VHR out of the piled up casettes and pushes it into the player. “I have never seen it“ “You never watched the Murray Franklin show?“ he sounds kinda disappointed. “Well, I barely know shows from the 80ies“ “ What do you mean?“ This gets more and more confusing. Eveything here feels like I have been thrown back into a time I wasnt even born. Am I still asleep on the couch?

I’m unsure of whats real anymore. All I can focus on is this stanger that sits down beside me. I can smell his brown sweater, the same scent that lulled me to sleep when I crawled up under that blankets.

“You gotta watch it with me. It’s so good“ he says focusing on a grey haired man in his late 60ies on the monitor. I still focus on his hair, which slightly curles up behind his neck. I caught myself thinking about touching it. But I don’t dare to move. “Thats Murray himself“ he says “I look up to him, you know? He’s a great guy“ His voice brings me back from my fantasy. I turn my head to the tv. “Oh so thats what it says on your mug? You must be a huge fan then?“ “ I am“ he nodds. “Its my life long dream to be on the show. I do stand up comedy.“

He smiles at the man on the monitor like he knows him. Like he means something to him. It seems like he is lost in his thoughts while watching Murray making jokes. I bet he doesnt even notice the way I continue staring at him. Everytime Murray makes a joke he smiles in such a soft way it almost hurts me inside. There is something so fragile about his smile. Something sad. Lonely even. I wanna ask him if he lives alone here. Still wondering why the apartment looks like an old ladys home. “Do you live alone? “ “No “ he replies “I actually live with my m-mother.She’s at the hospital right now. She’s very sick. I take care of her as good as I can“ “Oh I see.I hope she will feel better soon“. His smile is gone. I feel guilty, regretting my question about him living alone. Now he looks even sadder than before. I would love to give him a hug. He looks like someone who heaven’t been hugged in a long time. Someone who lacks love. Everything about him is fragile. The way he moves, the way his clothes look way too baggy on his tiney body. He doesn’t talk much. But his body language is undeniable.

"Do.do you want something to eat?" he asks. "You must be hungry." I smile at him "Yeah, well, that would be really nice". He gets in the kitchen which is just right beside the living room and  opens the fridge. I caught myself staring at him again, I feel kinda bad about it but i just cant help it. There is something so hyptotizing about the way he moves So graceful, even though his way of walking looks sad and lonely. Even here in his own apartment, he seems like he doesnt belong here. Like we`re both strangers and just got here. He still stares into the fridge like he is waiting for something. I`m not sure but I could swear his eyes are about to tear up for a second. Maybe his fridge is empty and he is embarressed about it. He looks like heasn`t eaten proberly for a long time.

"Um.. well....I`m so, so sorry...what was your name again? he mumbles.

My name. I panik for a second. I dont even remember my name.

"I don`t remember. I dont know what happenend to me or how I got here. What kinda city is this anyway?"

I feel tears coming up. Afraid of what is happening to me.

He hesitates and comes back with a bowl of oat meal, handing me a spoon.

"I`don`t have much to eat here right now since my mum`s at the hospital. I don`t eat much. I`m so sorry, I..."

I take the bowl in my hands "Its okay, don`t be sorry. I just worry about you. I mean, you gotta eat,too."

"Yeah... well I try but mostly I feel sick because of my..." he looks at the piled up medication on the table and swallows hard. "Its okay, you dont have to talk about it"

Now he looks at me. He can see the almost dried tear running down my cheek "Oh no, don`t cry. It must be horrible to lose your memory but I will take care of you till you know where you live and who you are. I promise". Now he smiles. So soft. Childlike even. Nothing dangerous about him anymore.

Its funny that he says he is going to take care of me. Cuz when I loo at him all I wanna do is look after him. He needs someone. The guy doest even have soething to eat at home.

I`m starting to eat the oat meal "You`re so nice, I dont know what to say"

"We`ll get something to eat soon. I`m gonna get paid tomorrow.

"Oh right, you said you do stand up comedy?"

"I do. But till i`m ready for the big clubs I make my money as a party clown"

I let that sink in.

A party clown. I try to imagin him in Clown clothes. A painted on smile. A wig. Its almost impossible to me to picture him being a clown.

"Look" he grabs my hand. My heart jumps in my chest. The touch of his hand as unexpected. His Touch is strong but gentle as he brings me to a make up table "Thats where I put my make up on. usually I get ready for work at Ha Ha`s. They got even bigger mirrors and all but sometimes I put it on at home,too. Most of the things are my mums stuff but she doesnt use it anymore."

A green,curly wig is lying on the floor. "Oh I see you noticed my wig. Thats my hair, you know when I`m Carnival. Thats my clown name at work." He lets go of my hand now. It feels bad. I want him to hold it longer. He brushes his hair back with his fingers now.

"Since you don`t know your real name anymore, we should give you one" he`s touching the make up on the table like he has never seen it before.

"You can name me whatever you want"

Did I said that out loud? I cant help but thinking this sounded strange. But he doesnt seem to notice how awkward it sounded to me.

"We should call yo kitten" he nods "I dont know why but I like that name and it suits you"

I can feel my blood rushing to my hear. "Youre making me blush"

He smiles only for a second but I noticed.

"Its a good name" he says.

For a minute we`re just standing there looking at each other.

I´m not sure what to do. I never felt this way before.

"I can could get my clown make up on at home tomorrow morning before I go to work. so you can see it"

"That would be great"

"I will, you can watch me while I put it on. Sometimes its fun, you know? I mean I love my job. Making the kids smile.I wanna bring joy to everyone. But its difficult with adults. I guess they don`t think i´m very funny" he lets go of the make up box he was holding. "

"I`m sure you are very funny, Arthur" I say. Not sure if i belive in my own words. Still I cant imagin him being a clown that cheers you up. He seems way too lost inside of his own kinda sadness to be a party clown.All I want is to take that sadness away. I am actualy more worried about him as i am about my own condition.

The thought of spending another night here makes me all fuzzy. More nights even. I wonder if he will sleep in the other room. Of course he will. How can I even think of something else. What are my thoughts doing? I can`t stop thinking about how it would be to sleep right next to him. To watch him sleep. His sad face, his sad beautiful face. I would wait till he is fully asleep and get so close to him i could smell his hair. I would crawl under his blanket so carefully,he wouldnt wake up from it and lay my arm around him, so I could feel him breathe. Touch his fragile, tiney shoulders with my shaking fingers and get my lips so close to his, I could almost feel his scar.

"C`mon" his voice woke me from my daydreams.

"I`ll get you something to eat, I feel lke I treat you bad as my guest"

He gets his keys  as I stand up. "We could get some Donuts. There is a pretty good Donut shop, I went there from time to time. Gives me space to think."

I love the idea of going out with him, so I nod and find myself out on the street a minute later. The same street I woke up in. Noisy and dirty. You can tell its a bad neighborhood. The kind of place you wouldnt dare to walk along as soon as it has gotten dark. I check my pockets for anything. There is nothing in it. Where is my purse? My ID? So I could find out who I am. Kitten. I`,m Kitten now. Which should alarm me but somehow I feel save around him, even though he is a total stranger to me. He doesnt feel like one. He feels like the warm center of a cold city. An anchor to hold on to, yet so fragile himself.

He does a little dance move as we arrive at the Donut shop. They are playing Frank Sinatra and he seems to enjoy it very much. He chooses the last table in the corner. Blue lights are shining from the windows. There is only one more old men sitting on the other side of the room. Its nice but it kinda looks like a place for the forgotten. The girl who is working there comes up to our table, she keeps looking down "Have you descited on your order yet?"

We order some Donuts and coffee. he keeps moving his shoulders to the music playing. "You`re a fan of Sinatra" I ask. "Yeah, he`s great. Musc was always a huge part of my life. I dance from time to time but, oh well, no, thats embarrassing"

"No its not. i would like to see it some day"

"Oh i don`t think i can do that in front of people" he coveres his face behind his hands. "I just do it when I´m home alone or my mum is asleep. I dont even know why I tell you about it. Its really embarrassing. Trust me, it is"

He keeps on surprising me. The party clown job, the dances,... he`s gotta have a different side you wouldnt expect. I get more and more curious about him, his life. I wanna be a part of it. For a second I didnt even care about what my life usd to be anymore. t feels like I was brought here for a reason. That it wasnt just an accident to lose my memory. Maybe we were ment to met.

"Are you thinking about how I look while dancing?" he asks.

I can`t help but laugh "No. No I just...nevermind"

"Of course not. Why would you even think about that. i´m sorry". He looks down at his coffee playing with the spoon. "No, thats not what i meant. Of course I would think about you dancing... I mean you´re really..." I stop. i was about to say that he is sexy.

He looks up. Looks me right in the eyes. My got, his eyes hit me like a wave of emotions.

He isnt smilin just staring at me, deeply as I hold my breath. Neighter of us is saying a word. its the kind of silence you can feel with your whole body. Just like I can feel his presence with my whole body.

I need to break the silence.

"So you come here often"

"Sometimes. But its much better to have someone by my side. Like now. Usually i come here alone" he sips on his coffe and lights a cigarette. He didn`t even touched his Donuts yet. "Well, always to be honest".

i nod. Kinda worried to say something wrong. "Thats a shame. You shouldnt be alone all the time". I wonder if I had friends back when I still knew who I was. Did I have a social life or was I just as lonely as Arthur? Maybe we have much more in common as I think. Maybe I was sitting alone in sad Coffee shops,too.

"yeah, well, everytime I try to make people smile they just won`t. People tend to avoid me a lot. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night" he leans over to me, whispering "I wonder if I even really exist". His face just got darker within a second. "Like I´m not really a person , you know? Arthur Fleck is just an idea someone made up in his mind. And I am the ghost of this illusion."

I feel my body tense up a little. You can tell he isnt kidding.

His face gets back to how it was before. Shy and tired. Tired of life.

"I`m sorry. You must think there is something wrong with me. I dont want to scare you. Thats what I always do. I always screw things up."

"No you don`t. I mean, thats like a really interesting thought actually. Questioning your very own existence. Its clever if you ask me". The hint of a smile is crossing his lips "You think so? My social worker doesn`t. At least I can`t imagin she does think its clever. She won`t pay attention to me anyway. Its ironic isnt it? I tell her I doubt if I even exist and she ignores me" he blows the smoke out of his mouth, shaking his head.

"Sounds like your social worker isn' t very good in her job"

"She isn`t. I go there to get my medication and I talk to her anyway. I dont want my mother to worry about me, so I cannot talk about my feelings when she is around. "

"You can talk to me" I say. " Thats so nice of you. You`re the first person who is that nice to me. I don`t know what to say."

"Life has treated you badly, Arthur, right?" he stares at his untouched Donut without saying anything. I touch his hand, which is lying on the table. I put my hand on his. Not saying a word. And i am sure his eyes are watering a bit while I stroke his arm.

"You look tired Arthur,do you want to go home?"

"Yeah" his little voice.

I call the waitress. A young girl with hair as red as a flame.

"Thats 14 Dollars please"

Arthur pulls out his worn out purse and gets nerveous. His hands start to shake a little.

I feel bad for him. I realize he couldnt afford this.He pulls out six Dollars, coughing.

The girl`s starting to look annoyed "Eight more Dollars please,sir" she says.

Now he starts searching in his pockets. Pants. Jacket. Nothing. Only more cigarettes and  a card, but I can`t tell whats written on it.

"Sir?"

And all of the sudden Arthur starts to press his hands against his mouth. Hard. And he starts laughing. A laugh i never heard before. I`ve never seen before. Agressive and uncontrollable. His lips hidden behind his hands, coughing. I start to realize there is pain in his eyes. he actually looks like he is crying so hard it hurts his insides.

The waitress looks even more annoyed. I ´m alost sure I can hear her say "Not again" as she takes a deep breath.

Arthur seems to try to stop laughing, shaking his head. But he can`t. he`s gasping for air.

"Arthur! Are you okay?" I ask " Can i do something for you?" he`s shaking his head, tears in his eyes, heavy breathing as he hands me his card.

"Forgive my laughter. i have a condition. More on back."

I flip the card around.

"Its a medical condition, causing sudden, frequent and uncontrollable laughter that doesnt match how you feel. It can happen in people with a brain injury or certain neurological conditions. Thank you! Kindly return the card."

Before I even have a chance to give him the card back, the waitress takes it out of my hand. Reading it. "What is this shit. Are you serious? Is this how u try to get away without paying?" Arthur still gasping for air.

Now she hands me the card " Will you please pay the rest?"

"I:m sorry. i lost my purse and..."

"Of course you did. Look. Grab your weirdo by the hand and get the hell out of here. You can come back and pay the rest tomorrow. Now please go."

I hesitate, grabbing his Donuts. " Can`t you read? He has a condition."

"He`s obviously got a lot of problems" the red haired girl turns away " Having some lunatic here on the table, talking to himself for hours every week  isnt what we ask for."

I can feel the anger raising in my guts. But I´ll try to calm down. I dont want to cause him any more discussion. " C´mon Arthur, we`re going to your place now".

His laughing seems to slowly stop as he puts the card back in his pocket.

We don`t talk as we walk back into his apartment. We`re just holding hands, which says enough for now.

Some minutes later I find myself on the couch again. Arthur s in the kitchen crashing some meds, putting them into a bowl of oath meal, heading back to me on the couch.

"Did I scare you away?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"i dont know" he`s eating half of the bowl, puts the rest away.

"Does it happen a lot?"

"Kinda. Mostly when I feel very uncomfortable in social situations. I know it scares people a lot. But I...i can`t do anything about it. I just dont want you to be scared of me"

"I´m not, Arthur. Don´t worry about that. I couldn never e scared of you. I know that we just met but...I really like you a lot. I feel save around you."

"You feel save around me?" he doesnt belive me. "Why?"

"I pull on his jacket, which he is still wearing, so he can take it off.

"I just do"

"Kitten, I feel like I can tell you all my secrets. Like I can tell you anything. I never speak to anyone this way. But with you I feel like I can"

"How do you cope with all those emotions without ever talking about it?"

He stand up, walks to the table and gets back with a journal.

"I keep my thoughts private in my journal. Sometimes my social worker looks at it but she barely really reads something. Its also my joke diary. I use it for anything that comes to my mind. Do you wanna read it? I cant belive I ask you that but... i want you to. I want you to know how I feel"

I`m flattered by him. This must be really private and he wants me to read his diary? Maybe I am not the only one feeling this connection. Maybe we truly feel for each other. Maybe I could watch him sleep tonight.

"You could read me something out of your diary. I dont feel comfortable with reading it by myself."

"I could do that" he nods, skipping through the pages like he is regretting it already.

"Here is a joke, are you ready?"

"Sure" I put my hand upon his knee as he starts reading.

"What did the crazy man say to the straight jacket? Loosen up a little"

He skips more pages, doesnt even look if I was smiling.

"Imagin your whole life ends on a sidewalk..." he stops.

"You know what? This was a bad idea, I am so sorry. I really wanted to show you but my thoughts are just nonesense."

He throws his diary back on the desk, putting on some music. The moon is a silver dollar comes up. "Stand up,Kitten" he takes me by the hands and starts to dance with me. In this dark but cosy room. He really is a good dancer. You can tell he`s got music inside of him. "Arthur, you`re a really good dancer". He smiles "I know". He pulls me closer. I lay my head upon his chest. Take a deep breath of his brown sweater. He´s not much taller than me, so my head is close to his well defined chin. I can feel him pressing me against him. So carefully but still close enough to tell he wants me to stay in this position. And god I want to stay in it. My hands are pressed on his back. I can feel his bones through the sweater, thats how skinny he is. I never want this moment to end. The way his body moves to the song draws me in. I get lost in the motion of his movements, we become one movement. And even this isnt close enough. I need to feel his naked skin on mine. I need to inhale his breath. To taste his lips. His embrace loosens up. He is twisting me around in circles. Laughing. Not the kinda laugh that seems hurtful. A real laugh. I think this is the first time he looks happy to me. Real happiness. Is it because of me?

"Thank you for that special moment,Kitten. I usually dance with my mother only. You really make me smile. So, do you wanna watch a movie or something? I got some very funny Charlie Chaplin movies, you might enjoy..."

"Sure"

We watch his fave movies all day long. We dont talk much. Just sitting beside each other on the couch. Sometimes he puts his hand on mine but only for a moment. He seems real shy. Like he doesnt know if he is allowed to touch me. Oh he is allowed. Everything in me screames for him to touch me. But I never got it on with a stranger and it makes me feel confused. Is he only being shy or doesnt he want me the way that I want him?

He`s really into those movies. He pay attention to every detail. Sometimes he gives me comments about how the movie has been made. He seems very passionate about this, which I love.

After hours of watching Chaplin he looks even more tired than before.

"Do you want to go to bed?" he asks. "If you want. I could get some sleep,too."

"Do you want to sleep on the couch?"

There it is. The question.

"Yeah"

I said yeah. Why did I say that?  Well, he is offering me the couch, I cant just go and tell him No I want to fall asleep beside you and tocuh your face while you`re dreaming. Cant I?

"Alright. So U got all the blankets and pillows there and ...good night, Kitten. If you need something just wake me, i`m right here"

"Good night Arthur"

He leaves the door open. I lay down and stare at the ceiling. Unable to find sleep. He is sleeping in the other room. I could just walk in and lay down beside him and... No I can`t do that. He`ll wake up and think i´m a stalker.

I lay here for a good hour till I hear his steps towards me.

"K-Kitten?"

He is wearing underwear only. His tiney body right in front of me. His hair messy and curly from tossing around in his bed.

"Yes?"

"My insomnia is getting bad again. I cannot find any sleep. Do you wanna crawl up under my blanket? I mean, only if you want , there is enough space for the two of us and..."

Thats it. I cannot behave myself anymore. I stand up, fully awake and grab his beautiful face. He`s just standing there, with his hands hanging down on him, as I press my lips gently against his scar. It tastes like cigaretttes but there is also a different taste i cannot describe. Him.

I touch the scar gently with my tongue, my left hand on his cheekbones.He still isnt moving. Like he´s frozen. He closes his eyes, so I can see his long eyelashes which protect those green eyes like a curtain. I can feel his breath on my face as I stop for a second to look at his face. He`s still doing nothing. I kiss him one more time,let my tongue find its way in his mouth. Now he presses me against him like when we were dancing but one of his hands are lying gently in my neck now. I can tell that his hand is shaking. He is nerveous, doesnt know what to do. But then he is kissing me back. Slow but harder now. Still very unsure of himself. Kissing him feels like heaven. His shyness turns me on even more.

My hands are on his chest now. I can feel his heart  beating fast. Its cute that I make him that nerveous. He seems so pure. I just want more of him.

He opens his eyes as our kiss is done. Smiling in the softest way" I`ve never been with a woman b- before. “

I push him gently into the bedroom as my hands are all over him.

" Do you enjoy it, Arthur"

"Oh yeah, I have dreamed about this for so long" he touches my hair, the back of my head, my shoulders.  I kiss him again. This time he kisses me right back. He has never been kissed before. My hands are in his hair, the curls I wanted to touch since I came here. They feel so good between my fingers. Kinda greasy but so damn good.

We get up on the bed and crawl under the blankets. I take my shirt off cuz I know he`s too shy to  undress me. I slip under the blanket and we cuddle up, skin on skin. He crawls up and lays his head upon my lap, closing his eyes as I stoke his hair with my fingers.

"Please stay" he whispers.

"I´m not going anywhere, Arthur. I will never leave you alone"

---to be continued---

Part2

The pressuer of his head upon my lap feels very intimate. Everything with him feels imtimate. His hair soft an fluffy between my fingers. He really seems to enjoy it. He craves intimacy, like someone who has never known it. His hands are not touching me he just relaxes in my arms, breathing slowly, a hint of a smile on his face but still oh so sad in his expression.

"Kitten?"

"Yes, Arthur?"

"That was my first kiss. I bet you can tell. I know I´m bad at it"

"You`re not,Arthur. It was wonderful to feel your lips on mine"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

He smiles "I never dated anyone in my whole life. People think I`m weird because of that.  I mean I´m already over 30 and... I have no experience"

"His eyes are still closed while he is telling me this. I think its kinda cute that he is such a shy guy, but I just know his lonelyness was causing this, which makes me sad at the same time.

"I was about to kiss a girl in my early twenties" he says "But I ended up laughing right at her face, because I got scared and she thought I was laughing at her. She slapped me and left.I never had the guts to try it ever again after this"

"Oh Artie..."

"It feels good you know? Feeling your skin on mine"

"I know" I whisper in his ear

He drifts away, falling asleep.

I watch him sleep, just like I imagined it.

And its even more wonderful as it was in my imagination.

Seeing him so peaceful  makes me happy inside. He derves this moment. He deserves to be loved. I can`t wait to hear more of his stories. Even if most of them will be sad, its part of him. Of his life. And I wanna know everything about him. I wann know his thoughts, his deepest desires, his secrets,...

I wanna drown in his mind, which seems to be mysterious, even to himself.

I wanna listen to him for hours, nights,...help him with his problems. Take some weight off of his shoulders.

And I want to touch every inch of his body. Kiss all of his fears and doubts away, till he becomes a confident person. Till he knows that he is loved. I want to be all over him and feel him inside of me.

But for now... I`ll watch him dream. And think about what tomorrow might bring...

Somewhere between watching him sleep and petting his hair I must have been fallin to sleep myself. His head is still lying on my lap as I wake up, a smile on his face. He moves a bit, now opening his eyes "Kitten?"

"Good mornng, Arthur"

" You`re still there" he says "It wasnt just a dream"

"Of course I am"

His hand is touching my leg like he wants to consider himself that I am not a dream.

"Is this, is this real?"

"It is" I whisper "Why would you think its not?"

He gets up, sitting on the bed now, his arms pulling his knees close to his body.

"I don`t know... sometimes I tend to dream a lot , you know? Some days the loneliness  gets so painful I just drift away in daydreams. Dreams in which there is someone by my side. Someone who truly cares about me. Touches me. I got pretty good at it over the years. There were times I even felt their arms around me. Heard their voices in my head."

"Oh Arthur... I dont know what to say"

"Deep down I always knew that I was still alone" he pulls his legs even closer to his body, his eyes watering.

It hurts me to imagin him  being lonely all his life. No one taking care of him. His mother seems to seek help herself. I bet he took more care of her than she did for his son. Arthur seems to be one of the forgotten. Left behind till he even forgot that he matters himself.

"Well, those times are over now, Artie! Come on, get up, we`ll get you ready for work. You said I could watch you putting your Clown make up on in the morning, do you remember?"

His posture changes now "Oh yeah right. I will take you with me to Haha`s. So I can introduce you to my coworkers. How does that sound to you?"

"I can`t wait"

We both get out of bed, walking into the living room. He gets to the couch, lighting a cigarette while I get in the kitchen making some coffee.

"I  can`t remember when I last slept as well as tonight your arms, Kitten."

I`m smiling but he cant see it.

"Usually I  am wide awake for nights and nights, tossing and turning till I start to hallucinate"

He turns around, looks over at the kitchen "You calmed my mind down a lot"

"I`m heading back to the couch, handing him his coffee "Hearing this means so much to me. I feel the same with you."

His eyes go big like he was a little child, giggeling.

"Any memories coming back to you?

His question hit me in a weird way. I almost forgot about that problem in his presence. "Nothing"

"I`m sorry about that. I wish I could help you. I..I don`t know what to do. I never know what to do..."

No puppy eyes anymore. His eyes got dark within a moment. One thing I noticed about him is that his moods seem to switch within seconds.

I caught myself thinking what will happen when I got my memory back. Would he want me to leave? Go back to where I really live? Is it far from his apartment? Do I even live in this city?  Is there someone worried about me right now? Did they called the police, trying to find me? All these questions make me so confused, I just wanted them to stop.

"Sometimes I dont know whatto do eighter, Arthur. But we will figure it out together. I guess there is a reason that we met"

"You think so?"

"I do. Come on, we gotta get you ready for the day" I take his hand and pull him up from the couch. You can see his ribs underneath his almost perfect looking skin. Perfect besides some remains of bruices on his shoulder, which I didnt noticed yesterday. I put my fingers gently on his bruised skin. It makes him look even more fragile as he already is.

"Did someone hurt you, Arthur?"

He looks down, putting the cigarette in the ashtray. "Oh thats nothing, nevermind" he turns around so I cant see his face. "Who did that to you?" He walks into the bathroom, looking into the mirror. The room looks very lady like with pastel colors and stuff. I follow him, watching him looking in his own kinda eyes. He loos like he is about to laugh, grabbing his throath, coghing. Pain in his eyes.

I hug him from behind to calm him down, regretting my question about his bruises.  He`s still fighting not to laugh again. Gasping for air. My embrace gets tighter. His ribs are pushing against my hands. He`s shaking. I wish I knew what to do. I wanna help him but all I can do is hug him and tell him that its okay.

"Its okay, Arthur. If you need to laugh just do it. I don`t mind."

I can see his face through the mirror, his eyes are closed, a tear gets painfully pressed out of his eyelids before he turns around. He finally starts to breathe calmer again. I touch his face and kiss his tear away, tasting his salty sadness, make it my own.

"I´m gonna take a bath before I get ready" he says. His voice cracking as he takes off his underwear and gets some Prell Shampoo. I turn the water on, make it hot so his muscles will relax in a bit. The way he just took his white underwear off in front of me like it was nothing. There is something very irritating about this.

He fills an empty bottle with hot water, not looking at me. Not seeing me staring at his beautiful body. I can feel the blood rushing  in my face, I think I`m gonna blush and he will see it but he doesnt notice. He acts like no one could ever find him attractive. I caught myself feeling a little bit embarressed about the fact that I get turned on right now. With his dried tears still visible on his face. I try not to let it show that all I want is to feel him all over me right now. He climbs into the bathtube, lying down. Its a very small one, even for him. He grabs the water bottle and lets the water rinse through his hair. "I can do this for you if you want?" I take the bottle out of his hand. "Sure, Kitten. Thats sweet of you".

He starts to relax as I wash his hair and massage his head with my fingers. The water starts to cover his body. His hair smooth between my fingers. I enjoy washing his hair, it feels like taking care of him and feels kinda sexy at the same time. The way he is sexy without knowing it drives me crazy inside. I`ve never been tunrned by someone this way before. My whole body is screaming for him to take me. He is just lying there in front of me, totally naked. And all I do is washing his hair. But somehow this is everything.

I´m taking my time, makig it as long as possible. I take the sponge and let it slide over his shoulders. They must really hurt. Over his arms. He is making little noises, breathing slowly. Over his chest. I knee behind his head so I can put my face close to his hair, which smells like the shampoo now but there is still that special scent that makes me go wild. I want to bury my face in his neck and breathe him in.

He seems to enjoy it but in another  way as I enjoy it I guess. He seems to finally relax again. I`m just a nerveaous mess, trying not to stare down at his naked body all the time. Trying not to imagin how it would be to climb into that bathtub and seduce him. To feel his wet skin on mine, which is burning from the desire I hold for him.  Suddenly he moves "Thank you, I feel a lot better now" he smiles.  He wipes  the wet hair from his forehead as he stays up and gets out of the bathtub. He gives me a short look. which i cannot define and goes to the bedroom to get his underwear. I can`t help but staring at his small, round butt.

Somehow he looks excited "Come on, I will show you my Carnival clothes now". He puts on a yellow vest, a striped tie, a checkered jacket and pants that have big patches on them, looking way too big on his skinny legs. The Jacket has a big, red flower on it. The kinda flower that  splashes water at you I think. He finishes the look with some big but very beautiful clown shoes, which chnange the way he`s walking a lot. "Now" he gets some brushes and face paint "I will put my make up on." He puts music on "I always listen to music while I get in the mood" he says, humming to Frank Sinatra. He`s sitting in front of the mirror now, I`m standing beside him, watching him taking the biggest brush and applying the white all over his face. He looks very throughtful doing it. His eyes are staring at his reflection in such a serious way. He is questioning himself. Asking himself who he really is. I know this kind of expression because I had those thoughts before myself. He stops for a minute as his face is fully white. There is something very instense about this look. It doesnt even look like a clown. More like another version of himself. His eyes seem darker now. His expression harder to read.

He puts the brush down "You know I always wondered... is this the real me?"

I`m starting to bite my nails, not knowing what to say.

"Putting the white on is like getting rid of all the emotions you had to carry all through the day, you know? Its like you erase half of your face. Half of yourself. To paint a new you. To create whatever you want. You can become another person by getting a new face."

"Why would you get a new face, Arthur?"

"Because..." he grabs the blue color now, putting it over his eyebrows and under his eyes. "Because I got sick of the old one". He`s dead serious, making triangles around his eyes, switching to red lipstick now.

"I have never seen a more beautiful face in my life."

He smirks. Its a diferent smirk I have not seen on him before. But it could be because of the make up. He doesnt belive me.

"I´m just a face in the cowd" his fingers are holding the lipstick like there is something mystical about it.  "No one ever looks at me when I`m on the streets, on the bus, in the city." He puts the lipstick to his lips. "The only time they`re taking notice is when they would beat me up. You asked me about the bruises.The truth is... I don`t remember which one of them  were the ones who kicked me in the back. Could have been the teenagers  two weeks ago. Or the angry man last week." His lips are burning red now.

"I was never truly happy in my life. So I dont know how it feels like to be happy. But I bet its wonderful. I bet you can feel it in your soul and with your whole body. Like a bruise.  But in a good way. So, maybe I cant feel it myself but I wanna be the reason others do."

He turns around. With the biggest, reddest fake smile I have ever seen.

___ to be continued___

PART 3

There is something tragic about his wide, painted smile after what he had told me. He never felt true happiness. The moments I felt it in my life are pretty rare. I know what it feels like to not have a motivation to go on anymore, but to never experience a true moment of happiness in your whole life must be different. I cannot get his words out of my head as we leafe the house and make our way to HaHa`s. He is squeezing my hand as we walk down the streets which are full of garbage and have a bad smell to them. "What about all the piled up garbage?" I ask him. "The garbage strike. It doesnt seem to have an end. I keep on hearing it on the radio." Peple are passing us by without even looking. I thought itwould be a reason to stare at us. Me holding a guy with full clown gear on my hand. But nothing. No eye contact in any way. The people around here seem pretty strange. Ignorant.  It feels like we are invisible but in a very uncomfortable way. Anyway, I really enjoy holding his hand in mine. I can tell it makes him nervous because it got sweaty the second he gabbed mine. He`s slighlty sqeeze feels so good. I realize that he is notlooking down for the whole time as he did when we first walked here. Sometimes he looks at me for a brief moment, with wide eyes and a shy smile.

"Here we are" we walked down some strairs. He looked even more nervous while knocking on the door. "They will like you very much. I just know it." he grins. But his face is freezing as son as the dorr opens. He lets go of my hand.

"Arthur! Where the fuck have you been yesterday? You`d said you`ll come back in the afternoon!"

"Hello Hoyt" he`s looking down again. Playing with his hands. "I`m... I`m very sorry.. Belive me I am" Hoyts eyes are switching between me and him. His look makes me feel like I am not welcomed here. "There...there w-was a reason I couldnt come in the afternoon." Hoyt leans against the door "So? I`m listening. What was it?" Arthur  taking my hand again "This is Kitten. I mean I call her that. We are not sure about her real name but somehow she landed here in Gotham city and she don`t know how and I  said she could stay and ...I didnt wanted to leave her alone, cuz I guess it must be scary to wake up and...."

"Arthur. Listen." Hoyt looks annyoed. "I am sick of your made up stories. Its good to have a strong imagination as a clown but I`m not sure about yours. Are you pissing me off again?"

Arthur swallows hard. I look at him and want to help him but I dont know what to say.

"I...no I dont want to piss anyone off. I just wanted to help her."

"Arthur. Go seek some help yourself. Come on....you don`t really think that I am going to buy the story about the memory loss, don`t you?"

I look directly into Hoyts eyes. They look angry. "Mr. Hoyt. This really happened to me and he was really sweet and gave me a place to stay. he didnt mentioned that he had to go to work again by evening. I guess he just wanted to make me feel save on my first day".

"On your first day? First day of what?" the grey haired man took a deep breath "Look, I have to pay you less now. Art, you know that, right". Arthur doesnt say anything.

Now a big, tall guy appears in the door. "Art, come on in, I just heard about your story from the other side of the room." he laughs. "So you finally getting it on with a girl, huh? " more laughter in the background. "Oh yeah, poor girl who has to deal with him though" says another voice. We`re walking into the room which is filled with mirrors, make up tables and some guys in clown clothes. Arthur looks disappointed. The big guy stopped talking for a moment when he realized I was there. He was so tall and heavy Arthur almost looked like a kid standing next to him. "Oh so he was talking about you? I see. Sorry. We`re just like to make jokes. Obviously!" he takes a red clown nose out of his pockets and put it on. I just nod. Arthur still standing there like frozen. Hoyt walks into another room, which seems to be his office. Still mumbling to himself."So your name was what? Kitten right?" laughter all  across the room. "Well. Its a nickname because I don rem---"  Randall slapping Arthurs arm a bit "Oh pal. A girl. I am proud of you" his voice sounds ironic as he leans over to be "How did he even managed to find a girl like you? He barely leaves the house when he isnt working. "

I give him a look "Oh dont get me wrong. I´m happy for my boy. I just hope you will stay.  He is a real pain in the ass sometimes."

"I will stay". Arthurs wrapped his hands around my back as I say it and pulls me closer to him. Randall walks to the morror, grabbing some stuff "Yeah, sure. Whatever".

Arthur walks me to his make up table "Look, thats where I usually get ready for work. So much more stuff than I have at home"

"Arthur, hey" a very, very little guy, maybe half the size of Arthur walks towards us. He has a honest looking smile on his face. Not like the other ones in this room. "I just heard that you have a girlfriend now. I`m happy for you" he shakes my hand "Hello Lady. Welcome to HaHas. Make yourself at home." I feel some relief now that there is someone nice around here and sit down on Arthrs table, as he walks to his locker and pulls out some clown gear. He puts it all in a brown paper bag. You can see his brown curls peaking out on the sides of his bright, green wig. After that he walks into Hoyts office. But I cannot hear what they are talking about, the noises in the room I am in are way too loud and the radio is playing. Arthur comes out two minutes later. "So, thats all the stuff I need. Ready?" "Yeah"

We leave the bulding and the only one who said bye was the little guy named Gerry. "Today I´m working at a kids hospital. Do a little dancing and singing for them. I´m sure you can joyn. You could sing along some lines?" "Sure. I will. Arthur. I´m so sorry your boss was mad at you. It was all my fault." "No, it wasnt. He is just being Hoyt. He will always find a reason to be mad at me." Looking at him with the clown make up on makes it a lil harder to read how he feels but I can still tell he isnt smiling underneath the paint. "I have to apologise. Those guys.... they are aweful. Everyone of em besides Gerry. I dont know what I was thinking to actually belive they could be happy for me or being nice to you". He sights deeply. "They are only making fun of me."  I touch his shoulder "Oh, dont worry about that. Jus forget about it. I just wish they wouldnt making fun of you". We cross the street "Well, there is nothing special about that. Everyone does". We`re barely talking for the whole time till we get to the hospital. We took a tram to get there and sat on the back of it, holding hands. "Its the same hospital my mum is in" he says as  we walk through the doors "We could visit her later if you want?"

I am really excited about the fact that he wants to intruduce me to his mother. "Of course. I would love to get to know her".  We get into the elevator "Great, I´m sure she will like you. She`s not like the guys at HaHas at all."

We arrive at the hospital room. The room is filled with little kids who fight against cancer. They`re faces light up when Arthur enters the room and plays music. He sings along to the songs and makes little, funny dances. He moves so differently from when he did when we danced in his living room. The kids start to sing alon with him, clapping their little hands "If you happy and you know it clap you hands.." Arthur seems like a total different person now. Like he never had a bad thought for his whole life. Like nothing could ever kill his joy. The big, paintet smile around his thin lips.  The room is full of positive energy and this energy seems to leave with Arthur as well. His posture changes immediately as we walk down the hallways to get to his mothers room. He grabs his huge bag "I`m gonna go to the bathroom for a sec." Alright, I`ll wait". Three minutes later he comes out wearing his brown jacket over a white shirt. The green wig is gone. His curly hair a bit messy and sweaty, still in his clown make up. I cant help but finding this really sexy. He knocks at the door of the room his mum is in. When you watch his profile you can only see a hint of his painted on smile coming from his lips. You can tell he isnt smiling for real. His white face paint starts to come off on his forehead, the red eyebrows smeared. I know I shouldnt get turned on being at a hospital, but damn he looks like a hot mess right now. In my mind I am grabbing him and pushing him against the wall. Kissing him till his big, red smile comes off. Feeling him getting turned on by me toching him. "Come on in" a very weak voice wakes me from my fantasy as he opens the door. "Hey mum, how are you doing?" Penny tries to sit up "Happy, I waited for you to visit me" she loos at me "You have a girl with you?" Arthur smiles under his fake smile. Two big smiles. "Mother, this is ..." he looks at me, kinda nervous "...this is Kitten. She is a very nice girl. You will like het a lot". Penny is shaking my hand "Kitten. What kinda name is that? Hello dear!" "Nice to meet you Ms. Fleck. You got a very lovely son." Penny grabs her magazine, reading in it for a second, then lookng at us again. "He`s a good boy. Maybe a little sad sometimes. Maybe a little difficult to handle. But a good boy." Arthur opens his bag and hands her a paper bag with cookies "I brought you some of your favorite cookies, ma". "Thats very nice of you, Happy." Happy. She calles him Happy which is throwing me off a lot. Her voice sounds like she is saying it in a very cute way but I cant help but feeling like its a tease. Knowing his laughter is a condition, somethign that actually hurts him. Plus she even said he is sad herself like a minute ago. Arthur sits down beside her. I stand beside him. Penny looks like she has been through a lot. "How did you get to know each other" she asks lookng at me "Happy is barely leaving the house, except for going to work and to the pharmacy." "I needed help and he helped me out". "Thats great" she  eats a cookie "As I said, he`s a good boy". "I let her sleep over" I am kinda surprised hearing Arthur saying this. "She didnt knew where to go so I .... offered her the couch. I slept in your bed since you are at the hospital". Penny stops eating "Happy. Do you think you can handle this?" he looks uncomfortable. "What do you mean?" "I mean..." she leans over to him, thinking I cannot hear what she is whispering "You never met with a girl before. She doesnt know about your... condition. She will think you`re weird when she finds out." "Oh don´t you worry about it, mum. She knows" he is talking, not whispering. Penny looking at me again "Really?". There is something odd about the whole situation. I`m starting to feel a lil uncomfy. It feels like he is treating him like he cannot make desicions on his own. "I really hope you can see that he`s a good boy" she is stilll smiling at me "Even if he isnt as funny as he thinks he is. " This hits me real hard. I cannot help but looking at his face after she said it. he isnt reacting to it at all. "So, mum, for how long do you think you have to stay here?" Penny continues eating her cookies " The doctor said there will be more tests and then we will see." "Alright" Arhur grabs his bag "Call me as soon as they know more." "I will. Bye Happy, by dear" we`re shaking hands again. Arthur touches her shoulder before we`re leaving the room, heading home. Arthur is laying his arm around me as we sit in the tram "Yeah...well. That was my mum" he is looking down. "She seems to be a nice lady" "Mmmhh" now he looks out the window. I cant tell what he is thinking about. His wide, big puppy eyes are watching a world which doesnt seem to care about him. Some people are looking at us. Maybe because he is still wearing his make up. Which starts to come off even more. But the blue around his eyes is still bright and in shape. He lights a cigarette as we leave the tram, walking down Anderson Ave to get to his apartment. I arrived here two days ago and it already feels like home. Even if this isnt a very save neighborhood. He feels like home to me. His arms around me. His voice. "You are the only one I feel save with, Kitten. Its like you really see me". "How could someone unsee you, Arthur?" "You would be surprised". He gets his keys, looks into the letter box. Its empty. A minute later we`re back home. He is heading to the bathroom, about to tke his make up off. I follow him. My whole body tenses up. I hope he cannot tell how excited I was to touch him for the whole day. He gets some make up remover. I grab his wrist. I didnt noticed how tiney his wrists are till now. "Don`t" I whisper. He looks surprised. "Leave the make up on" I put the remover aside as I touch his white face  with my right hand. My left hand grabbing the curls behind his neck. All I can see are his green eyes piercing me with curiosity. "Leave it on for me" I alreayd feel like I am short of breath. "The whole day I couldnt think of anything else but to be with you. I mean to really be with you. To feel you all over me" Arthur is closing his eyes for a second. His perfect eyelashes blue from the face paint.  Then he is pressing his lips on mine. Kissing me with a passion that really surprises me. He still seems shy but at the same time his kiss feels like he was waiting for this his whole life. Like this kiss is the fullfillment of his desires. I love the way he is holding my face in his hands now. The`re shaking a bit. I kiss him back. The taste of him and his red lipstick fill me up with excitement. His tongue is searching for mine till we find the perfect rythm. I cannot belive he never kissed someone else before. He`s so damn good at it. Like he does it with his whole body. I stop for a minute. I have to take a look at his painted face. He is gasping for air. His make up is smeared and messed up, the red almost looks like stains of blood now. Which turns me on in a weird way I never had expected. I take a quick look into the mirror. Stains of his big, red smile is all over my own face now. I kiss him again. Harder now. "K-Kitten" he stutters between the kisses "I.." "Shhhht" I say as I take off his jacket and unbotton his white shirt, which makes him look so pure. I put my finger on his smeared lips. Drawing the lines of his left make up with my fingertip. "I want you, Arthur. I want all of you". I kiss his chest as I take off his shirt,too. His ribs. I can see every one of them popping out. His hands are holding my face again. So gentle it feels like butterfly wings. "I dont know what to say?" his voice so soft, nerveaus but calm. "Just kiss me, Arthur. I need to feel you. Just take me and..." suddenly he grabs my hips  and presses me against the wall. Still gentle but with a little bit  more confidence. He is kissig my neck now. Rubbing his face paint off on me. White, red and blue. I can feel his leg pushing against my sensitive parts. I feel the urge to rub myself against him. His taste makes me go wild. I cannot take this anymore. I never wanted someone so much in my life. I want him whole. I want to get so close to him its not even possible. He stops kissing me, looking at me. Silence. I take his hand and lead him to the couch "Take my clothes off Arthur" I tell him as I unbotton his pants. He takes off my clothes piece by piece."I dreamed of this when I first saw you, Kitten". "Me,too Arthur." We`re both naked now.  Kissing again as we fell on the couch. His brown curls between my fingers. His sad, beautiful face looking not as sad anymore. His fragile body ready to be loved. He is lying on his back. I´m lying on top of him. We`re kissing till we`re both out of breath. His hands are all over me know. His left hand seems to grab me a bit more as his really soft right hand does. I cant belive the beauty I see in front of me. He looks kinda drained but in such an attractive way. "You really turn me on, Arthur." He smiles "I do?" "Yeah." He touches the insides of my thigh. I shiver. It feels so damn good. My hand touches his belly and wanders down between his legs. Arthur  moans siletly. Closing his eyes. I can see his lips shaking. He is breathing heavier now. I bend forward and breathe in the scent of his soft skin. "I want to feel you inside of me,Arthur" He pushes up against me. Holding me closer. "I want you, Kitten. I want this so much" his voice almost sounds like he is about to cry but he is smiling as we press our bodys against each other  til there is not an inch left between us. I can feel him getting hard. My whole body, my mind, everything inside of me is begging him to come inside. And just as I wish it would happen. It does. Arthur is inside of me now and I never felt more love and passion in my whole life.  He is kissing me while his eyes are closed. Sometimes I blink to see his beautiful face in font of mine while I feel like exploding from happiness. We´re switching positions. He`s on top of me now. I take him all in. Not only his body but his soul. His whole being. Everything he had to go through, everything that ever hurted him. It all disappears in this moment of pure happiness. "I love you, Kitten." he whispers in my ear " It feels so good.You feel so good."  I`m touching his butt, let my hand wander up to his spine, pull him even closer as we both  seem to explode from excitement and love.

To be continued

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

[pipsketches]

Is there anything you’d change about the characters in Three Houses for fun? Such as, height, age, clothes, body type, hair, or even their house? I find myself unintentionally imagining Caspar buffer and taller then he actually is ^^,

 I’d make a lot of them older. The teacher student thing would have been a lot less of a weird issue if they were all at least 18-20. I mean Sylvain and Mercedes were in their 20s from the beginning so idk why they felt everyone else had to be like 16. Except maybe Lysithea whose need to be seen as mature would benefit from everyone being 20 somethings to her 15-16. It would also make her backstory, imo, sadder being the youngest by that many years and still being the most likely to die. It would make her look smarter and play up the whole prodigy thing. Like all around her character would benefit from everyone else being older.

And I’m going ahead to say this got longer than I intended lol. I’m so sorry! The rest of my long rambling mess under the cut

I don’t really know a lot of the character heights. I know I’ve looked at the heights even charts people made with all of them lined up but I guess cuz their fictional I don’t keep that in mind to much. I’m probably imagining a lot of the character heights wrong to but it’s whatever to me. Caspar funny enough though I had checked and I swear I remember seeing he was 5′9″, which was fine that’s taller than I am lol, but I checked again and he’s actually 5′6″ which is shorter than me but only by an inch so it’s still fine like it’s hardly a noticeable difference. I do prefer guys my height or taller though so I guess I’d make him taller??? It just seems kind of ridiculous cuz it’s just an inch lol.

Hair though! That’s all Felix and Raphael like holy shit do they have terrible hair. Felix more so than Raphael. Like Raphael just needs it maybe a little less fluffier and shorter. He highkey looks like a hobbit post time skip and tweaking it a little could remedy that. Felix on the other hand has like three different parts to his hair. Idk if that’s suppose to mean he’s trying to look good or if it’s suppose to show he isn’t trying at all but Pre-Timeskip had the perfect “I don’t care about my look” look. It was pulled back in a messy bun with strands sticking out everywhere because he genuinely doesn’t care about the superficial. It perfectly told us that he woke up pulled his hair back and called it a day oppose to his timeskip look which seems like he took more time for??? Judging from the little ponytail it’s also shorter which is a good choice. I totally believe Felix just got fed up of dealing with his hair and just cut it to not waste his time on it anymore. So maybe they could have gone shorter. Maybe like a more messy version of timeskip Claude’s hair? Or keep the short ponytail but just don’t have the three different hair parts to get to the ponytail.

Clothing wise I’m gonna say they should have let Raphael l have a boob window! Like it looks like they were gonna let him have one but then added another layer to cover him up. Like if Bernie of all people can have a boob window why not Raph??? I’d also change it so Caspar could maybe have at least his arms exposed. He’s very proud of his muscle (which is why I think a lot of people draw him beefy) so I would think he’d want them out for people to see. He literally has a tea time line drawing attention to his arms being muscular but we can’t even see them??? The generic warrior class, which is his cannon timeskip class, is also pretty revealing so he more than other male character could have been showing off some skin. Change his unit class color to something other than brown. I want to say blue but I think they might have not done that so he wouldn’t be confused as a blue lion,which I get but it also didn’t stop Marianne. Green or teal would be nice to if we can’t go blue (which are Lynhardt colors but their besties so its fine).

Speaking of going blue and being mistaken for a blue lion. If I had to change Caspar’s house it be to blue lion. I’ve seen a few posts on here actually of people making a case for why he’d be great in that house and I can’t say I disagree. He has a lot of potential dynamics there (three of his supports are blue lion with only two yellow deer already) with the most important to me being with Felix. Those two would immediately fight for sure but I think come out as best friends at the end over their love of fighting and even world view. They’re both characters who don’t care about nobility or what others think of them just doing whats right for them and looking out for people. A support with Sylvain could also be pretty funny considering how his C-support with Dorothea and A-support with Hilda went. He’s lovable but not particularly flirty or even good at catching on when someone is flirting (shout out to the random girl who tried to get him to the goddess tower) but clearly interested in flirting, sex, and romance based on his reaction in Dorothea’s C and B-support (personally I think he really thought he was getting to first base until he was made to move furniture lol) and how excited he got in Byleth’s S-support. So having Sylvain try and teach poor oblivious Caspar would be great! Idek if it be funnier to have it end miserably like Dimitri’s or in actual success. A support with Dimitri would be…Something. If you have Caspar, which of course I did, Dimitri personally apologizes to Caspar about Randolph and Caspar didn’t really seem to care but maybe seeing that conversation in more detail could be interesting. Theirs also the whole justice and violence conversation they both could have with eachother.  Other than Caspar idk who else I’d move maybe Lyndhardt to yellow deer? The house is a lot more chill so it seems more his speed. Mercedes being a black eagle could lead to very interesting interactions with Edelgard and Huebert.

For body types I’d make Leonie and Petra have a more visibly athletic build. I honestly think Caspar is suppose to be muscular. Based solely on that one tea time line and his support with Raphael but if he isn’t then I’ll make him muscular! Like the only reason he isn’t…Shown? Is because they gotta have the characters with mostly the same body types to make all the unit class modeling and animating easier. They did this in Fates to with the most glaring example being Saizo. The portrait clearly shows him as this really buff very muscular ninja but give him the towel and all of a sudden his like really lean??? I think that’s what’s happening in three houses. The brawler and grapplers show this the best because Raphael and Dedue who are clearly bigger than the whole cast still have the same model as everyone else. It’s honestly a little weird but I get why they do it. So while I don’t think Caspar is anywhere near Raphael or Dedue he is beefier than what his brawler/grappler/war master class would suggest imo

[thattimdrakeguy]

This is just me ranting cuz I need to blow off steam cuz it's been a crappy almost week now for me mostly in real life, and I'm just upset at the bad timing stuff for me. So I'm aware this isn't a big deal I'm hardly trying to treat this is a big deal cuz it isn't as much as it kinda seems I'm taking it. It's about different stuff for me.

A.K.A I'm sensitive emotionally about real life stuff.

So me blowing off steam about a small thing cuz it sucks to worry about your happy time stuff when real life is so sad down below.

I know it's stupid but by the time I went back to write this I'm mellowed out. Just personal life frustration coming out on the small things in life.

I dunno how to put a read more below thing on phone. Dang.

So Tim isn't gonna be Robin anymore. That's quite stupid. The only reason it changed back was because Bendis changed him back. This makes no sense.

I been defending the decision cuz Tim only wanted to be Robin. It made sense to me. Now what. Why bother changing back.

Like I'm sure the new name will be fine but why bother changing it back. If he didn't change it back I wouldn't care.

But there was three reason's I was excited for this: Tim was Robin again (something I preferred and felt was right anyway), The Patrick Gleason Tim costume was an amazing modern version of my #1 favorite super hero costume, and I trusted Bendis cuz of Ultimate Spider-Man.

Now Tim is gonna have some new name that wasn't necessary. Damian seemed like he was moving on in life from it and it's all Tim wanted to be. So storywise it made sense to me. Now it just seems pointless.

Now Tim's probably gonna get a new costume and it's probably not even gonna be designed by Patrick Gleason someone who designed my second favorite super hero costume. It's probably gonna be designed by John Timms who can't even draw Tim. He just draws him to look just like Dick which is simply frustrating. So the costume is probably gonna suck.

And it's like, I still don't mind a lot of Bendis's decisions that got people hot and fired up mad, but the main thing I been defending is now void.

It's frustrating.

And don't get me wrong overall, in general I do not believe it will be straight bad. This is all about me and what's going on in my life and how the timing of this reveal was right after some nasty personal things going on.

If Bendis said he was giving him a new name I would say "a little weird but okay", but he got me happy by making him Robin. I felt he got it, then he does this, and it's a hard thing to process for me at the moment cuz of my problems in real life clouding me up.

Like its been a mostly bad week for me. I've been depressed and sensitive so I been using Young Justice to help take my mind off stuff, and it's done a dang good job so far for the most part till more bad gets added on in my personal life.

It's just bad timing for me really. I didn't need to be upset at what was keeping me going by being confused, upset, and making me over think it a bunch for something so little cuz of me and my life atm.

I'm already calming out over it already, getting over it. I am not happy at all over it, but I needed to blow off steam cuz this is a me thing. Just a me thing cuz me and my life is a sore sensitive thing right now.

I'm not even trying to be critical all the way, I couldn't be cuz of how my personal life been going. I'd just feel stupid ranting for an hour over something this small when in the end it's not a big thing.

It's a me, and the poor timing and quality of my life thing. Looking forward to this conic in January kept me alive. It motivated me each month. If this happened and my personal life was fine. This would've been a smaller post.

I needed to yell. Cuz it's easier to yell about dumb stuff to no one in particular. Instead of what's crap about my life to some poor sod who probably has their own problems going on.

Like I heard if I leave my mom's house I can't come back and I'm already being threatened to get kicked out cuz of my inability to gain a job since I'm too miserable, depressed, suicidal and anxious all the time. Like now my therapist is considering me suicidal cuz I been more open about it with her. And now cuz of that getting kicked out of the main home I've lived in the majority of my life crap I'm more depressed.

So it's a time for me where real life is awful, and so I been using comics, movies, and TV shows to just give me some mental off time. Cuz it is mentally exhausting.

Now it's like some of my favorite stuff is getting meddled with and it made me upset emotionally cuz of all this stuff adding up on me in the matter of a week and a day.

I'm already mellowed out on the topic of Tim getting a new name and how much it says about the state of the comic and what not. It's a comic.

But this post wasn't about that, it was me just yelling about anything cuz I needed to yell and I'm sad and this made me a bit sadder. Even if it's just a little bit. A little bit is a lot right now for me.

My personal life sucks I just didn't need to worry about the thing I looked forward to each month basically.

I dunno why I tried to over complicate it and hide it when I started writing this. I'm not bothering to edit it cuz maybe there's a good point in there as I have a weird moment about the state of my life and how emotionally sensitive I am right now right on my blog for all to see.

This was a really strange post.

Have a good Tim.

[talkingismylifewrites]

anon here is v curious about your headcanons for john/veronica/roger pls share

Okay you had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you asked me this. I will not apologize for my passions

My wife @candidroger​ and I have built out an elaborate world wherein John/Veronica/Roger are together and pure. It’s gonna be long, so STRAP IN! (long rant below the cut)

okay so it starts like this: roger and ronnie grow up in the same town and are bffs and  when they’re like seventeen roger realizes that he might..not..be straight?? he’s like definitely bi but more into dick than vagina

and he has STRICT parents who are homophobes so he’s like oh shit this is bad

and ronnie realizes that she has STRICT parents who just don’t want to see their baby girl go off and live her life in london like she’s always dreamed of? like they’re like, we can’t have you live ALONE in the BIG CITY where you could DIE so why don’t you stay here in town and just never leave the nest

so ronnie and roger are commiserating together over a bunch of wkds because they’re trash when they come to the realization that if they marry EACH OTHER they can not only make roger’s parents think he’s straight but also have ronnie’s parents let her go to uni in london

AND THEN THEY DO! they get married and roger’s parents are SO PROUD and ronnie’s parents are like, ugh FINE (minus Grandma Tetz but she deserves HER OWN STORY because that woman is hell in a handbasket and i love her)

So Ronnie and Roger move down to London together and they proceed to just fuck shit up. They have an excellent report with each other because these kids are inSANE. like they write up a prenup that is basically just that when they divorce, whoever has had the most sexual partners during their wedding wins their whole liquor stash, and that the cats (Mrs. Fuzzles [he’s a boy] and Gilgamesh [she’s a girl]) have a very detailed custody agreement. Its written on the back of a take away menu and they got it fucking notarized because they’re ~extra~

Ronnie also takes sick pleasure in trying to sabotage Roger’s chances of winning the liquor stash by kicking down his door while he’s in flagrante and being like “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BED WITH MY HUSBAND!”

She’s only supposed to do it the morning after, but she’s competitive and in it to win

(That’s how they meet Freddie)(he refuses to leave because he lives for the drama)

Anyways so fast forward and Queen is now a thing like they are picking up steam and they’re looking for a bassist

In comes Mr. John Richard Deacon born August the 19, 1951 

Roger is his usual flirty mess who is hitting on men and women left and right and John is like, ah gotcha, this guys just the usual player like i think he’s the prettiest guy i’ve ever seen? but he’s kinda just a fuckboi okay gotcha gotcha gotcha

And then one day they’re playing and he sees this GORGEOUS woman in the crowd and he’s like fuck that’s the one I Love Her and he’s making eyes at her across from the bar and she’s making eyes right back at him and hes!! so!! happy!!

When the set finishes he goes and puts the Disco Deacy Moves™ on her and she is just so fucking into it and John’s like hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah

Only for Roger to come bounding up to her and is like “John! I see you’ve met my WIFE Mrs. Veronica Tetzlaff-Taylor (Tetz for short)” 

And Ronnie is like yup, this is my husband, can you believe we’ve been married for 6 years???? (they wear rings john just doesn’t pay attention poor lad)

And John is just...heartbroken. Like he is CRUSHED. Here was his perfect woman but not only is she MARRIED she’s married to his bandmate who is also a serial CHEATER

and he sits on it and stews for months because Roger keeps cheating but always goes home to their apartment and Ronnie is just so much better than him?? and she doesn’t deserve this!! but what can he do?? if he tells her he ruins the band but if he doesn’t then she’ll just get more hurt? 

Basically he spends it trying to avoid her because she’s aggressively hitting on him (hey the lady’s married to roger she’s learned some shit along the way) 

Then one night, they’re all out at a bar and Ronnie like corners him and he’s drunk and she just goes for it and she plants the kiss of a lifetime on him and is like “i know you want me like i want you” (a trademark Roger Taylor Line™) and john just snaps

“What about Roger?” and Ronnie’s like “He’s going home with someone else it doesn’t matter” because she might be brilliant but she’s Dense

“I’m not going to just be with you in order to get back at Roger,” he says and pushes her off him. “I’m not your whore.” 

And he leaves and locks himself in his apartment and spends the weekend alternating between eating too much ice cream and crying and watching shitty movies and feeling all around shitty

and when the next practice comes around, he shows up looking like shit with sunglasses on and is like “alright, roger is gonna kill me for kissing his wife and i’m gonna get kicked out of the band” 

Roger is FURIOUS and he immediately just slams John up against the wall and is like “You MOTHERFUCKER who do you think you are calling Ronnie a whore?” 

And john is like wtf no i didn’t and for your information SHE kissed ME

and Roger is like “I will fucking kill you for looking at her she doesn’t DESERVE YOU she is BETTER THAN YOU!”

John is now angry and is like “Oh yeah? Well she deserves better than YOU you fucking wankstain CHEATER!!” 

And Freddie is the one who's like okay...there’s clearly some miscommunication because Roger isn’t cheating? And johns like they’re MARRIED and he’s GOING HOME WITH OTHER PEOPLE

and Roger’s like oh fuck no one actually told you??? we all just...assumed you knew...

And johns like knew what

and then roger explains how they’re married in name only so that his family won’t cut him off and so her family would let her go to her dream university and hey the tax break is fantastic so they just kept at it and it works cuz they’re best friends

Johns like...”who the fuck gets married for a tax break” 

and together freddie and brian are like “roger and ronnie do”

So John shows up at Roger and Ronnie’s flat with flowers and is like I didn’t know and I’m sorry and I really want to take you out to dinner if that’s okay with your husband

And roger is like “bring her back by nine and no funny business”

and ronnie’s like “i can blow him in the car if i want roger and we’ll be back when i want to come back you hypocrite” 

And they start dating. And then John moves in with Roger and Ronnie because Ronnie can’t abandon her husband??? And it goes from Roger&Ronnie to Roger&Ronnie&John

Two years later, John has the worlds most awkward conversation with Roger where he’s basically like, hey can you um, get a divorce from my girlfriend so i can ask her marry me??? 

And Roger at first is THRILLED because John and Ronnie are couples GOALS and he LOVES them SO MUCH and they DESERVE HAPPINESS

So they get a divorce (Roger wins the pot of alcohol but Ronnie gets Mrs. Fuzzles and Gilgamesh) (Roger cries) and Roger is like okay, cool, i’m now single this is great!

and he just spends his newly single nights hooking up with everything that moves but he just keeps feeling sadder and sadder

Until he wakes up one night two weeks before the wedding and is like Oh Fuck I’ve Fucked Up and Fallen in Love with My Ex-Wife and Her New Husband

and just shuts down and is like okay well there’s nothing I can do now they love each other and i will never ruin their happiness so I’ll just SUFFER like a MARTYR

And he gives Ronnie away at the wedding (Ronnie and John couldn’t decide who would have him as their best man/MOH and it caused their biggest fight so they decided neither could have him and they’d just have him walk her down the aisle and give the big speech at the end) and is like i will never let them know that this is Killing Me.

After the wedding he’s like, okay guess I’ll move out now? At first its okay? because he’s now got all the hot water he wants, and he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night to Ronnie and John going at it and Ronnie doesn’t leave her hair in the sink and John doesn’t drink all the milk and put the carton back in the fridge

But he’s Lonely 

Ronnie and John go on their honeymoon and Roger goes to Freddie’s to get the drunkest he’s ever been and he confesses his feelings but is like whatever i can be strong (spoiler alert he’s not he’s very sad)

Meanwhile, in Paradise, Ronnie and John are beginning to realize that they’ve never been alone this long without Roger

And John is like, has Ronnie always talked this much without Roger there to cut her off?

And Ronnie is like, had John always breathed this loud?? why is he wheezing?? wtf???? 

And they’ll never admit it to each other, but they’re really really REALLY excited to get home and see Roger again

But they can’t say that to each other?? Because it’s their honeymoon and who wants to hear from their new spouse that they’re more excited to see their best friend/ex husband than have sex with them

So they get back and they’re like ROGER!! WE’VE MISSED YOU!!

And Roger is like I Can Never Let Them Know I Love Them

so he just plays it cool and starts to distance himself from them because he doesn’t want to ruin their newlywedded bliss

But Ronnie and John keep fighting about everything (the milk the talking the fact that john will not stop dropping his wet towels on the bathroom floor wtf john) and they keep trying to see Roger but he’s always busy now??? he has no time for them??? because he “doesn’t hang out with married couples”????

Finally it comes to a head months later where Ronnie and John are just screaming at each other from across the kitchen when Ronnie finally just screams: 

“I WOULDN’T HAVE MARRIED YOU IF I KNEW IT MEANT LOSING ROGER!”

And john’s like 

“WELL ME THE FUCK TOO, VERONICA!” 

And they stop and stare at each other and they’re like, whut

so they pull out the wine and spend the night unloading how somewhere along the way they both fell in love with Roger?? And that they can’t love each other unless Roger is there because he is their Missing Piece

But clearly Roger doesn’t love them the way they love each other

They cry and hold each other and decide that even if they can’t have Roger like that, they’ll settle for just having him in their lives as their friend again because he’s been so distant lately

So when they’re in the studio next, John pulls Roger aside and is like, look i know things have changed, but I want you to know that no matter what Ronnie and I consider you to be our best friend and we miss you so please tell me what i can do to fix this?

and roger’s like...you can’t. because its my fault and i don’t want to be like, ruining everything

and johns like just tell me i can fix it!

and roger’s like you can’t

and john’s like try me

and freddie’s like, uh, let’s not do this here--

and john’s like i just want to know why he’s ignoring me and ronnie just because we got married

and roger’s like it’s because you got married

and john’s like, fuck, is this what its about? sorry you had to get divorced but like, i wanted to marry ronnie and--

it’s not that

“then what is it roger?”

And roger just goes fuck it and is like “I wanted to be the one married. To you. Both of you. Because I love you both. Like, love love. But you’re married to each other and it sucks but i’m working on it and it’ll take some time but we can be friends once i stop yknow. Loving you. Both. The two of you. Together.”

And john just stares at him because his whole brain is rebooting. and then he just kinda goes, “okay. I uh, need to uh, talk to my wife.” 

And then he leaves

He goes home and he tells Ronnie and they get so excited they have sex right there in the front hall and then they get dressed and they go to roger’s apartment all ready to be like WE LOVE YOU TOO WE WANT YOU TO COME BACK AND MARRY US FORVER

but roger is GONE he has fled the country

with freddie

they have vanished and ronnie and john are distraught like where the fuck is he??

Crystal is like you can’t break me I’ll never tell because drummer solidarity! And john is like fucking tell me or i’ll bring out the big guns and crystal is like you don’t fucking scare me

and the Veronica comes in and he breaks in >30seconds because Ronnie is terrifying and also she knows Too Much

Roger and Freddie are in Peru

Why? Because once John left, Roger panicked nd was like I HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY!! And because Freddie is the ultimate bro he took him to heathrow and got them trashed on duty-free vodka and was like okay bb you choose where you wanna go

and roger ends up talking to this nice new age couple who were like, we just hiked all of Mechu Pechu and we have come back cleansed of all our negativity and issues and we are now so much better than we ever were before and roger in his drunken glory was like yes that there i wanna go there cleanse me of my negativity

(they hike for exactly thirty minutes before they give up and check into a 5star spa and spend the days in face masks and chugging champagne)

Ronnie and John end up hiking the trail for two whole days before they realize that there’s absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Freddie would have done this

They think Crystal LIED and Ronnie is ready to kill him and strangle him with his own intestines when John spots a head of golden hair from across the market place 

(”fuckin’ romantic nerd,” roger teases later right before ronnie twists the shit out his nipple in retaliation)

And that’s how Roger gets his declaration of love screamed at him while 200 Peruvians and tourists stare on in horror as John dips Roger backwards and tries to swallow his tongue

(”I FUCKING LOVE YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU MADE ME GO HIKING! JUST TO TELL YOU THAT I’VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU EVEN BACK WHEN WE WERE MARRIED!” Ronnie screams)

They end up back in Roger’s hotel room wherein they proceed to dom the shit out of him like we’re talking praise kink and body worship and ronnie’s riding roger while john’s pounding him though the mattress

and the whole time they’re telling him that there is no us without you and we couldn’t work together unless you were there because we love you and you are ours and you can never leave us again and roger is loving it

and then they come home and the first thing they do is move roger into their new marital home and buy a giant mattress

Ronnie introduces them as “this is my current husband and our boyfriend my exhusband” and roger is like “this is my ex wife and her trophy husband they are both my lovers” and john is like “this is roger and veronica” 

and they spend the rest of their lives together having crazy hot sex and a billion babies

because you know Mr. I Have Six Kids and Mr. I Have Five Kids spend their days seeing who can get Ronnie pregnant the most and they are LOVING their giant ass family

and they all live happily every after

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk I hope i have converted you to the bright side