#swift-tricker's posts

[the-swift-tricker]

trojan feels like a bad name for a condom brand considering the strongest cultural association with the word is the trojan horse which was, you know, most famous for secretly spilling out an army of little guys when they were least expected

[the-swift-tricker]

jonathan harker on may 12th: i witnessed with abject terror as the count descended the sheer stone wall of the castle face first as a lizard would. the unmitigated horror of the spectacle haunts my waking hours like an inescapable nightmare. this man or this thing shall surely be my undoing.

jonathan harker on may 15th: saw the old bastard do the crawling trick again and honestly fuck him it's not even that impressive i don't even care anymore i hope he falls.

[the-swift-tricker]

in almost every other children's book where the main heroine is swept away to a land of whimsy she's shown having a lovely time; braving dangers occasionally, trying to find her way home, sure, but ultimately delighting in the magic around her. meanwhile alice spends her entire time in wonderland like

[the-swift-tricker]

staff: we have an update!

all of tumblr:

staff: you can now make polls!

all of tumblr:

[the-swift-tricker]

this episode aired in 1992

[the-swift-tricker]

this minute long clip from make some noise made me feel more emotions than any oscar bait drama i've ever seen or ever will see

[the-swift-tricker]

i'm choosing to believe that the in universe reason for everybody swearing in adventure time now as opposed to before is that all the characters made the conscious choice to wait until finn turned eighteen

[the-swift-tricker]

rian johnson after writing glass onion, watching elon musk completely fuck over twitter like a petulant child, knowing his movie is coming out in just a few weeks

[the-swift-tricker]

[id a spotify playlist titled "kate bush threw a house party but there's too many people and now she's stressed" with three songs in it. the songs are "wow" by kate bush, "full house" by kate bush, and "get out of my house" by kate bush end id]

[the-swift-tricker]

love izutsumi. she's like worse parts of a cat and a scary teenage girl mixed together, which ultimately turn out to be barely discernable from each other. truly the character of all time.

[the-swift-tricker]

i think it's interesting how many adaptations of dracula have the coachman all but abandon jonathan in the middle of nowhere and leave him to the count without a second thought whereas in the novel he and the other passengers riding with jonathan do almost everything they can to protect him, convince him not to go, and even attempt to leave before dracula arrives at the borgo pass. i mean, dracula specifically calls out the coachman's defiance when he picks jonathan up.

[the-swift-tricker]

the best part of each x-files episode is waiting for the end to see who's gonna do the sign off report cause when it's scully it's usually something like "once again, despite my partner's opinion to the contrary, i cannot confidently say that there is any scientific basis to the theory that alien ghost blood was responsible for the disappearance of the crack in the liberty bell" meanwhile if it's mulder we get gems like "are we alone in the universe? what does it truly mean to be alone? did bigfoot fuck the speaker of the house? as always i am left with more questions than answers and don't know who to trust and i think scully changed her shampoo and..."

[the-swift-tricker]

me: i'm not a huge fan of the babies ever after trope

bram stoker: and then mina and jonathan named their boy quincey

me: mina and jonathan named their boy quincey

[id a comic of a figure sitting in a chair next to a lamp with a book dropped to the side while they look off into the distance sad and forlorn end id]

[the-swift-tricker]

the x-files is a serious show

[the-swift-tricker]

if i had to carry the ring to morder i would've put it in a bottle and then anytime it started chanting or misbehaving i would just shake it around until it stopped meanwhile somewhere in barad dur sauron keeps getting a splitting headache and can't figure out why

[the-swift-tricker]

bruce wayne: my ceaseless war on crime has made it so i will never be able to get close to another human being. i have devoted my life to justice. i have no time for anything else, anyone else. this life i have chosen forces me to be apart. i am alone.

also bruce when alfred didn't affectionately place his hand on bruce's shoulder this morning while leaning over to pour the tea like he does every day: