#suidice ideation tw

[aristarshower]

.

[clownstowns]

jinx is gonna be killing herself then ekko s gonna come up and be like no stop you can’t explode shit if ur dead and then she’s like oh shit u right and then they go blow shit up and wear matching crop tops

[wishcamper]

Imagine this:

A young woman is told by her family to follow the instructions of a powerful older man for her own personal growth. They say it is because she has committed an ethical breach by being attracted to and kissing another man. She is asked invasive questions about her sex life and told to atone for her 'outrageous and self-destructive ways'. Her family is instructed to take away 'indulgences' and to ignore her pleas for help.

She is confined to a house until she follows through with a plan to heal the breach. She has frequent sexual contact with the man in charge of her care. Though she is not locked inside, threat of deportation leaves her effectively trapped. She becomes hopeless and suicidal, believing there is no way to undo the damage she's accused of, and will be trapped for the rest of her life unless she complies.

This is not about Nesta Archeron. This is the real life story of Daniela, a woman who was victimized by convicted felon Keith Rainere and his sex-trafficking disguised as self-help organization NXIVM. But the fact that they sound so similar makes me so fucking worried that these books are marketed to an audience of young femme readers.

[bitsofbats]

Batman (Volume 3) #48 - The Best Man, Part 1; 2018 Tom King, Mikel Janín, and June Chung

[mermaidlighthouse]

Ok so I’m gonna recenter the “indestructible little fucker” moment around Ed…yes it’s obviously directed at Izzy and in a literal sense about Izzy but it’s also about what Izzy represents in Ed’s life, Blackbeard, it’s just further confirmation that the only escape for Ed from the persona of Blackbeard, the darkness, is his own death

Even when he thinks it’s gone, when he believes it’s dead, it’s comes back and hurts him…

From Ed’s perspective, he’s tried allowing himself to find the fun in pirating again when he’s teaching Stede and found that when he’s exposed to the darker elements (Calico Jack) he’ll fall right back into the old patterns, he tried doing what just makes Ed happy and it left him broken, he’s tried accepting that even if his dream of running away with Stede and leaving the past behind didn’t work he can still be Ed and while still dealing with his heartbreak is told Ed’s not good enough

He’s exhausted and depressed and he just wants to be Ed but past experience says that’s never gonna happen, even when he’s imagining his idealized versions of himself (the rich fancy man, the innkeeper) he uses the cover of Jeff because Ed’s not good enough for those things…

Ed’s also offered the outside iteration of Blackbeard (Izzy) the opportunity to kill him and even that escape from the pain, suffering, and darkness wasn’t given

So when Izzy appears and shoots him, it proves that Blackbeard is a looming spectre he can’t evade or outmaneuver, it’s indestructible. And it’s further justification for his decision to remove himself from the equation.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Me everytime I encounter the dark side of the ATSV fandom and I'm reminded that Miguel O'Hara is not the real danger to children but the nonces with drawing tablets and too much time who are deadset on making him a nonce too are:

[what-shitfuckery-is-this-ew]

You can't kill yourself yet you need to hear the entirety of Epic!

[traumaticdarling]

I died that day. . .

[depressedteensworld]

there’s literally not a single person in this world that understands how i feel, because i don’t even understand myself

[rose-milkteaa]

Vent post, read it or don’t. I really don’t give a fuck anymore.

Don’t you have that feeling that you’re not enough for anyone? Online and irl?

I get that feeling a lot to the point my s*icidal thoughts are so bad I have to be watched over by irl family.

The feeling would get so strong to the point I just want to delete every social media app I have, erasing me from everyone’s life, the internet, everything. I’m so close to doing it to /vsrs.

I’m just a burden, a kid with problems, a kid with mental health issues, a kid who doesn’t deserve to be here or have anyone.

I’m depressed. Mentally unstable.

No one likes a depressed and mentally unstable person.

I’m just doing them a favor by erasing myself off the internet and their lives.

They should thank me.

[sordidmusings]

Just a life update and opening!

Brought up because of an ask wondering if I still do stuff here so I figured I'd put out some of whats goin on if anyone is interested! Also throwing it into the void of the internet feels less guilt inducing than forcing it on specific people especially after how overwhelmed folks tend to be cuz I'm bad at metering it out and not just being like 'light jokes about struggle that don't scratch the surface or say anything meaningful' and 'here is all the dark lore' 💀 It's also been a struggle because there really does sometimes feel like theres a whole ass language barrier within your own language when you're AuDHD.

I do still do headcanons and write and draw and yada yada there’s just been quite a bit happening and I’m doing poorly at keeping up with life maintenance let alone things I enjoy 🥴 with writing especially in my hobbies I find myself discouraged in what feels like poor quality of my writing and seeing that reflected back to me because I am Weak 💀 general overview of some of the bigger problems below the cut if you’re interested but I won’t bother y’all with the whole picture! Will be more a summary/overview/alluding to things over getting into gory details. Basically a lot will be covered but I won’t force anything below the broad strokes on y'all.

The end is an ask for people to please reach out if they are struggling so please take that seriously. I offer a space with me but please find wherever in this world you are at least somewhat comfortable and have someone be there with you while you process 🤍 I will have a header above that little piece just incase you'd like to skip to only reading that which is completely fine!

CW for mental health talks, allusions to family issues, references to rape and abuse, death by suicide, and suicidal ideation.

What's Up, Doc?

Between hospitalizations (old and new issues and unfortunate near misses 🤡), my couple jobs (the days my body ain’t tryin to give up and even some days it still is means back to the grindstone. Thank you capitalistic overlords 💀), money stresses (medical debt plus just like y'all know shit ain’t the best for most everyone rn), the spring struggle (nightmares + flashbacks get worse from seasonal + anniversaries of men not caring for consent amongst other things lmaoooo), the mental health slew (diagnosed with AuDHD and most of the big hitters besides a personality disorder), and a few other life happenings and old traumas I’m doing a terrible job at everything 🤡 most of it ain’t new so I know all the proper things to do to help for everything from years of therapy and managing the symptoms and all that but dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s hasn’t been offering any relief for a long while so I’m floundering and quite exhausted.

The health issues making everything difficult and painful ain’t helping but I’m also not being the best at taking care of some of them because Why Bother 💀 Many are issues I’ve had for years that ebb and flow in severity and I’m just tired of feeling them and having to manage them. I’m sure any of you with chronic issues understand the feeling well. Those with years and years of major depressive disorder probably also understand the frustration and exhaustion and guilt with knowing you should enjoy something, you WANT to enjoy it, but your body just can’t produce the reaction it should.

I tend to isolate because I’m managing it poorly enough that the topic tends to crop up with the closer few if they ask and that goes Badly cuz, even if they think they won’t, people get uncomfy with the topics which just makes me feel Worse from guilt and sometimes frustration from it being passed over for their comfort or lack of understanding. I am lucky enough to have more recently found one person who Gets It and a beloved soul from lovely old Jersey came back into my life so the bigger problem in that situation is me allowing myself to consistently receive support from them 🤡 One’s so sweet always telling me I can call any time and the other is of the same vein and my dumbass brain keeps being like “but that would bother them” or the usual “you deserve to get worse not get help” 🤡🤡🤡. Clown ass behavior.

Also some bad coping mechanisms make my typing and communication sloppy as hell and I’m quite ashamed of that so best hide that away while it’s going on 💀 due to insistence that it’s Fine I have forgone that instinct to what feels like very Poor Result 🥴 ah the eternal struggle between needing to be Seen to fight the sense of isolation and worthlessness but also being petrified of being perceived while imperfect. Not having any of the connections really be in person doesn’t help too much with feelings isolation because I don't really have anyone around me besides parents that have literally said "why are you making us deal with this" about the intentional near death miss 💀💀💀 my immediate world feels very much like it wants me gone in explicit and subtle ways but c'est la vie. Beggars can’t be choosers so at this point I’m likely just being ungrateful 🤡

One thing making it harder to keep trying is my folks’ years of insistence that I don’t understand my own experience and I’m just dramatic and make things up. It’s an echo of many painful experiences including a whole group intentionally playing games with my sense of reality to enable their friend’s abuse (they got unconsensual nudes from him out of it so that’s worth the price of treating someone like that right?). Such is life.

One of the new things I’m uncertain how to approach handling properly is the grief and such shifting back to the forefront from the first anniversary of my childhood brother figure being taken from us by his bipolar depression. I have known people taken by suicide before but not this close to home. My childhood wasn’t the happiest but he and his family were a bright place in it. His little sister was my best friend in the whole world through my childhood and their family treated me more like family than my own. He was the best mix of a good and bad influence in an older brother figure I could’ve wished for. He fought long and hard but exhaustion hits us all, sometimes even with proper help. What eternally pains me is knowing how helpless and scared he must have felt and even worse how absolutely alone he felt. That was his last feeling in this life. I can only hope that more than anything, whatever happens next is giving him relief, peace, and rest.

Talk on reaching out below!

On that note, if any of you experience suicidality too, my messages (or ask if you’re more comfy on anon) are always open. This is an issue that’s been in my life in many forms since I was 12, so I will not shy away from you or your thoughts. Even if shared with something uncomfortable or "ugly", I find the discomfort of sitting with someone’s pain negligible in comparison to being the one in pain so why not prioritize that person in their need? It’s also negligible under the importance of truly holding space to process those hurts and stresses instead of just simple little niceties.

I am not the best at being active but if I see any of these messages especially we will truly talk. I know how insanely isolating and disappointing it can feel when someone offers support to be nice and then shoves to the next topic or barely responds because it makes them uncomfortable. It is a bitter pill we must often swallow to forgive those who think they will help for making things worse because they have bit off more than they can chew. It is also a bitter feeling that that reaffirms to us that by our very nature, we are too much to handle and are too much to deal with for sharing our internal space and circumstance. But at the same time, all of us are simply human so who am I to malign someone for making mistakes or being imperfect? So long as someone truly wants to try, there is all the reason in the world to give them grace.

Qualifications kind of???

The one good thing that has come from a lot of the experiences that I’ve gone through is that it has forced perspective on me and forced me to learn skills in holding space, validating, and connecting to others in immense pain. No one is perfect in this skill (even therapists struggle - the number who have said they don’t know where to start untangling the traumas or who have cried at it and in turn needed comfort 💀 a strange experience I know my darling at least gets too lol) but I have found in both giving and receiving that honesty and openness is W A Y more important than being perfect.

This is something I’ve watched more people struggle with than not as life circumstances has not made it so that they must learn the skill at the same time that there are resources to learn it, so I may make more posts with advice for it than the bit I go through here. I’m not a licensed therapist so this isn’t going to be a clinical breakdown of how to be someone’s therapist but I would consider my experience as a confidant, consistent reading up on psychological and related sociological research, and experience going through various forms of therapy worthy of giving solid advice. Unfortunately, co-morbidities and resistant brain chemistry really make using the skills on myself Difficult 💀 but as brief examples of experience for validity speaking on this, I’ve been to a lot of group therapy where licensed therapists literally coach you on this, guided a safe space/group for SA survivors in college, coached friends who couldn’t afford therapy through suicidality or abusive situations, and coached survivors through feelings and decisions when deciding whether or not to charge or going through the process of charging their abuser. All of which is much easier to be effective to people you know irl but the support online can be nothing to snub your nose at either. None of this is to say I'm perfect or exceptional - neither is true - just that I’ve had circumstances and experiences that afford me a bit of extra knowledge in this.

In the vast majority of cases, someone who is struggling and coming to you for help wants you to be there - your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective. They don’t want someone sitting uncomfortably and saying the occasional “sorry” they want engagement because more than anything they don’t want to be alone. In a basic example, if you find yourself freezing when someone comes to you with something you don’t know how to handle, instead of saying nothing or only short cliches due to fear of making a mistake, be honest about that. “I’m not sure what to say right now to be honest because that’s so much to deal with. I can’t imagine having to live with that all the time. Is there anything in it frustrating you the most or that you’re having the most difficulty tackling?”. This is active listening and engagement. You are being honest with where you are at so they aren’t guessing what you’re thinking, you are showing that you see how overwhelming the situation is, especially for the person who has to live with it. If you can’t handle a conversation where these issues exist, how do you think it feels to live with them day in and day out, sometimes for years or the majority of a life?

Asking questions is SUPER important too. Trust the other person to only share what they are comfortable with and don’t assume all questions are bad. Asking questions is one of the truest and simplest ways to show you care because why would you want to know more if you don’t give a shit? Asking questions is also very helpful and one of the reasons talking to others about your issues is important - it gives the person struggling something to react to and give perspective. It helps them process the issue in ways they won’t be able to do by themselves. This may make the process sound slightly manufactured but I promise it’s not, especially as it becomes second nature to know what thing to use when. Communication is a skill so advice around it will inherently make it sound more clinical than the actual process is.

People are also not a monolith so while this type of being there works for the vast majority some people may not like it. That is also where communication comes in - check in with the person on if this is helping and what isn't helpful. Make sure to adjust when you make a mistake.

Conclusion

I’m happy to hold space for other issues as well. I’m no replacement for a therapist but I’ve been a helpful supplement to many people I knew struggling throughout the years so I’m at least okay at that! Since I’m doing pretty bad functionally right now the help won’t be as consistent as I wish but I will give whatever is in my power just like these things deserve. I hope to get better soon so that I can properly offer a stronger foundation of support outward again 🤍

[whumpy-daydreams]

Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing

Writing Masterlist

Living weapons shouldn't feel emotions, 327 knows that. But they hate the emptiness, even if feeling something means consequences

CW: self harm, manhandled, dehumanisation, bad mental health care, suicidal thoughts, living weapon, restrained

327 stared at the blood. It wasn't deep, they weren't stupid - just a thin line, no more than scratch. Slowly they drew the knife across their arm.

The sharp sting felt good, like a breath of fresh air clearing the foggy static in their brain. Proof that they were alive, that they could feel something other than the nothingness. Someone thumping on the door startled them.

They pulled down their sleeve quickly, thankful that the black fabric wouldn't show the red seeping through, and chucked the knife under the covers just as two guards walked in.

327 stood at attention, back straight, eyes forward. They noticed their superior was there two, just behind the guards, and they fought the urge to clench their jaw.

"Your arm." 327 put out their right arm and their superior yanked up their sleeve. "The other arm."

A moment of hesitation and their supervisor grabbed it anyway, pulling up the sleeve. They sighed as they saw the wounds.

"I thought we'd put a stop to this, 327." They let go and stepped back. "Take them to isolation, I'll inform the psychologist."

"No, please, it won't happen again, I swear-" A harsh look from their supervisor silenced 327 as the guards grabbed their arms. It was an effort not to fight back as they were half dragged from their room, down towards the isolation cell.

The room was white, almost empty except for the hard bed in the centre, with padded metal cuffs to keep them down. 327 let them close around their wrists and ankles - fighting back would only get them sedated.

Weapons don't cry. It was like a mantra, and one they kept repeating, even though their breaths were still shaky and tears half-filled their eyes. At least they didn't have to wait long for the psychologist.

"I'd hoped I wouldn't have to see you in here again, 327." The psychologist said, standing over them.

"I won't do it again."

"I wish I could believe you, but you've said that before. I've spoken to your supervisor and we've agreed that you need to be in isolation for a little while."

"No, please-"

"While I'm not your supervisor, I am still your superior." 327 shut their mouth. "While you're in isolation, you'll have a session with me everyday. At the moment it's planned to be a week, and then you can start to regain some privileges - but only if there are no incidents." The psychologist sighed. "Every time you do this you don't only hurt yourself, you hurt your team. Do you want to hurt your team?"

"No, sir."

"Good. I will also add that if you can't stay stable you will be cut from the program."

327 almost started to plead again as the psychologist left, the door closing behind them and sealing the room in silence. They knew exactly what they meant when they said 'cut from the program'. 327 found they didn't care. They weren't stable, and there was no place for defective weapons.

[medra-gonbites]

Congratulations

Happy birthday to me. Hope you enjoy this piece.

Pairing: Gale x Fem!Tav

Words: 1059

CW- Suicide, Angst, Hurt no Comfort

It was the best day of Gale’s life.

He had woken up early to his wife vomiting.

She had always been moody and cranky in the morning, but this was different. She had been sick for more than a week and he had tried his best to soothe her and nurse her back to health. As her situation did not improve, he had taken her to a cleric. The old woman was now standing right in front of them and after a thorough examination was categorical:

‘Six weeks. Maybe seven... Congratulations!’

The news rang in Gale’s ear. A wave of bewilderment crashing into him before leaving room for excitement. He was ecstatic.

Sure, he had doubted his paternal instincts in the past. When she had asked two years ago, they were on the run, an illithid tadpole in their respective brains, and a bomb in his chest. Now they were married, tadpole and orb-free and they loved each other so much.

He was scared senseless. About the coming challenges, the responsibilities, the sleepless nights, the chaos. But he also saw the love, the joy, the new path that was expanding suddenly in front of them. He adored Tav and he was so happy to be able to share that experience with her.

He turned to her, his gaze full of wonder and passion but he froze before her expression. Panic, anxiety, fear etched on her face. Tears running down silently, and her body shaking like a leaf.

This was not good.

Gale took her home. He wanted her to rest and to process the news. She needed to lay down and calm down and sleep. She needed time. Time to see how much of a blessing this was. To get confidence in herself, a trust she often cruelly missed when it came to her own abilities.

She kept rambling and fidgeting and panting. Spiraling into a state of despair and self loathing. She did not want this. She was not ready. She would break it. Make it broken as she was. Her state of despair was growing wild and untamed and so venomous Gale flinched at the idea he could not convince her otherwise.

He gently took her in his arms. Rocking back and forth, murmuring sweet words to her ear in an attempt to comfort her.

‘You will be a wonderful mother.’

‘You don't need to know what to do, you will learn. I will learn. We will learn together.’

‘You can do this. You will not break it.’

‘It will be wonderful. It will be healthy and happy. It will be perfect. Like you.’

But his words were useless. She was giving in to frenzy and hysteria as her mind raced to darker and darker corners, reigniting memories, reopening old wounds and just telling herself that she could not do this.

After a few hours of tears, she finally fell asleep, exhausted and still so scared. But she looked so peaceful as she slept and Gale wanted to do something for her. He headed to town to gather some of her favorite things. He wanted to cheer her up: as saddened by her reaction to the news, he was himself euphoric and he wanted her to be too. He wanted her to see how good this was. He was sure he could turn this day around. Show how much he loved her and how much he would like to have more of her around.

He got her favorite pastry. The scented candles she liked so much. The last tome of the book series she was currently reading. A little black thing which she would look wonderful in (and with no waistband too, so that she could wear it throughout her pregnancy…).

Gale came back a few hours later. The tower was dark and inexplicably cold. Anguish sank in the pit of his stomach; an unexplained apprehension taking over. He called her. She did not answer. He searched their home but she was not to be found.

Making his way to the kitchen he found a note. Written in cursive, hastily. He recognized her writing. His chest tightened as he read it. His heart aching, his mouth dry, his eyes burning. Disbelief hung heavy in his head, before being replaced by horror. Time stretched as he scanned those words. And he felt the urge to scream. To run to her. To magically erase these words and what they meant. To find her and hold her tight so she might never write, say or think this way.

Before he could take action and fix it all, like he still believed he could, a knock on the door sent a jolt of renewed panic into his core. A member of the Griffon Watch asked him to sit. And he cried and cried and cried when he was given the abominable news he did not want to believe. His heart shattered in millions of shards.

The letter remained on the kitchen floor, a silent apology from her.

“My love,

I'm sorry I am causing worry and ache. And I hope you can forgive me.

I would have been honoured to carry your child if I were anyone else. But I am me and as you know, it is something I have struggled with my whole life. I love you and I would see the world with more of you in it. But I wouldn't want more of me.

Every day, I fear when I wake up. Every night I fear when I go to sleep. I cannot fathom a future for myself as I do for you. I see you happy and thriving but I'm never at your side. I live in constant dread that you will wake from your dream, take these rose tinted glasses off and see that I am not special. Not important. Not loveable. That you'll realise that you can be happy without me. That something, someone, better is around the corner. For all your efforts, you could never convince me otherwise.

By the time you will be reading this I'll be gone. And you won't have to worry about me, care for me or carry me like you so often did.

I hope you can forgive me for the trouble I caused you.

Remember I love you more than anything.

I simply couldn't love myself…

Tav”

[howhow326]

Unhinged emotional rant about James Somerton incoming in 3, 2, 1

If you have suic*dal thoughts or suic*dal idealation, do not read this

Do Not Read This

DO NOT READ THIS

So I don't even believe Somerton has committed death yet because this isn't the first he has baited us with suicide /"pEoPlE wAnT mE dEaD" so there's that.

But assuming he did do it...

I shouldn't be saying this.

I shouldn't say.

I can not care anymore. Not "don't", can't. I have not been able to care about him and his issues ever since I found out he was lying to me, a thousand other people, was racist, was sexist, was transphobic, and had a Nazi fetish like a evil cherry on top.

Again, I assume he is lying about this like everything else he does on the internet, but im the event this os real... I'm not going to say I'm sorry for him.

And I shouldn't be saying that. I don't know when he started having suicidal thoughts, no one can know because he is fraudulant! It is not a good thing he "killed" himself and no one has the right to say anything like that, but my heart has completely frozen over for this man.

Even now, I see people trying to blame HBomb and other rightfully angry people for what may be happening, and seriously, F all of yall. You don't have to right to say "oh, HBomb made him K word himself!" NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT.

I... want this to be the last time James Somerton sees the light of day on my blog (ok poor choice of words). If this post turns into some weird spectcle it will be deleted. I just needed to get this off my chest, and weirdly felt like I haven't done that.

If you are a person with suicidal thoughts, there are people that care about you... I know now that you could be one of the vilest people I know, and I would still shed tears for you if you did it.

[trippingthemoonlightfantastic]

Sorry I haven't kept up here, with the sale. My last 72 hours convinced me that this world is not hospitable to my existence and it's time to leave. That's how I feel and I'm trying to manage it so it doesn't become a fact.

[loki-laufeychild]

Okay, I think I need to explain myself.

This post has suic!dal, self h&rming, and food thoughts. It also has overdose mentioning. If this triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, do NOT read this post.

Mobius and mine’s fight just overwhelmed me. And I relapsed. I’m sorry if I triggered anyone. I’m going to take a short internet detox. I’ll be back tomorrow.

//OOC

Some of the things I mentioned during the fight were real. I have a horrible sleep schedule, even though I sleep at a decent time, I always manage to wake up with nightmares or anxiety and usually unable to sleep the rest of the night. The rare moments when I get extremely bad nightmares, I wake up and can’t move. I’ve been having these problems for two years.

Also two years ago, I started having… thoughts. I would hate eating because my brother would call me fat 24/7, even though I knew I weighed normal for someone my age. I started to try and stop eating but my stomach would cramp hard and I would have to eat.

I started having thoughts about k!lling myself or h&rming myself when I was 11 or 12. I’m 14 now. My brother told me once that he wouldn’t care if I died. I strived to make my brother proud of me then, and I still do now, but what he said stuck to me. I was too scared to k!ll myself or h&rm myself, so I never did. Instead, I tightened my watch extra tight. I felt my wrist grow cold and my hand pale. I don’t do that anymore.

During my fight with Mobius, I may have vented a ton. I understand that made people uncomfortable, and I’m truly sorry for doing that. I won’t post anything too drastic. To be honest with you, I started bawling after the fight. It was honestly really emotionally draining for me. I’m gonna be taking a short internet detox, just to clear my mind and get back into the zone. I’ll be back tomorrow. I’m fine, I swear I am. I just need a break.