#suidice ideation tw

[wishcamper]

Imagine this:

A young woman is told by her family to follow the instructions of a powerful older man for her own personal growth. They say it is because she has committed an ethical breach by being attracted to and kissing another man. She is asked invasive questions about her sex life and told to atone for her 'outrageous and self-destructive ways'. Her family is instructed to take away 'indulgences' and to ignore her pleas for help.

She is confined to a house until she follows through with a plan to heal the breach. She has frequent sexual contact with the man in charge of her care. Though she is not locked inside, threat of deportation leaves her effectively trapped. She becomes hopeless and suicidal, believing there is no way to undo the damage she's accused of, and will be trapped for the rest of her life unless she complies.

This is not about Nesta Archeron. This is the real life story of Daniela, a woman who was victimized by convicted felon Keith Rainere and his sex-trafficking disguised as self-help organization NXIVM. But the fact that they sound so similar makes me so fucking worried that these books are marketed to an audience of young femme readers.

[hannahinspace]

I thought I’d be dead by now

[bitsofbats]

Batman (Volume 3) #48 - The Best Man, Part 1; 2018 Tom King, Mikel Janín, and June Chung

[mermaidlighthouse]

Ok so I’m gonna recenter the “indestructible little fucker” moment around Ed…yes it’s obviously directed at Izzy and in a literal sense about Izzy but it’s also about what Izzy represents in Ed’s life, Blackbeard, it’s just further confirmation that the only escape for Ed from the persona of Blackbeard, the darkness, is his own death

Even when he thinks it’s gone, when he believes it’s dead, it’s comes back and hurts him…

From Ed’s perspective, he’s tried allowing himself to find the fun in pirating again when he’s teaching Stede and found that when he’s exposed to the darker elements (Calico Jack) he’ll fall right back into the old patterns, he tried doing what just makes Ed happy and it left him broken, he’s tried accepting that even if his dream of running away with Stede and leaving the past behind didn’t work he can still be Ed and while still dealing with his heartbreak is told Ed’s not good enough

He’s exhausted and depressed and he just wants to be Ed but past experience says that’s never gonna happen, even when he’s imagining his idealized versions of himself (the rich fancy man, the innkeeper) he uses the cover of Jeff because Ed’s not good enough for those things…

Ed’s also offered the outside iteration of Blackbeard (Izzy) the opportunity to kill him and even that escape from the pain, suffering, and darkness wasn’t given

So when Izzy appears and shoots him, it proves that Blackbeard is a looming spectre he can’t evade or outmaneuver, it’s indestructible. And it’s further justification for his decision to remove himself from the equation.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Me everytime I encounter the dark side of the ATSV fandom and I'm reminded that Miguel O'Hara is not the real danger to children but the nonces with drawing tablets and too much time who are deadset on making him a nonce too are:

[what-shitfuckery-is-this-ew]

You can't kill yourself yet you need to hear the entirety of Epic!

[sordidmusings]

Just a life update and opening!

Brought up because of an ask wondering if I still do stuff here so I figured I'd put out some of whats goin on if anyone is interested! Also throwing it into the void of the internet feels less guilt inducing than forcing it on specific people especially after how overwhelmed folks tend to be cuz I'm bad at metering it out and not just being like 'light jokes about struggle that don't scratch the surface or say anything meaningful' and 'here is all the dark lore' 💀 It's also been a struggle because there really does sometimes feel like theres a whole ass language barrier within your own language when you're AuDHD.

I do still do headcanons and write and draw and yada yada there’s just been quite a bit happening and I’m doing poorly at keeping up with life maintenance let alone things I enjoy 🥴 with writing especially in my hobbies I find myself discouraged in what feels like poor quality of my writing and seeing that reflected back to me because I am Weak 💀 general overview of some of the bigger problems below the cut if you’re interested but I won’t bother y’all with the whole picture! Will be more a summary/overview/alluding to things over getting into gory details. Basically a lot will be covered but I won’t force anything below the broad strokes on y'all.

The end is an ask for people to please reach out if they are struggling so please take that seriously. I offer a space with me but please find wherever in this world you are at least somewhat comfortable and have someone be there with you while you process 🤍 I will have a header above that little piece just incase you'd like to skip to only reading that which is completely fine!

CW for mental health talks, allusions to family issues, references to rape and abuse, death by suicide, and suicidal ideation.

What's Up, Doc?

Between hospitalizations (old and new issues and unfortunate near misses 🤡), my couple jobs (the days my body ain’t tryin to give up and even some days it still is means back to the grindstone. Thank you capitalistic overlords 💀), money stresses (medical debt plus just like y'all know shit ain’t the best for most everyone rn), the spring struggle (nightmares + flashbacks get worse from seasonal + anniversaries of men not caring for consent amongst other things lmaoooo), the mental health slew (diagnosed with AuDHD and most of the big hitters besides a personality disorder), and a few other life happenings and old traumas I’m doing a terrible job at everything 🤡 most of it ain’t new so I know all the proper things to do to help for everything from years of therapy and managing the symptoms and all that but dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s hasn’t been offering any relief for a long while so I’m floundering and quite exhausted.

The health issues making everything difficult and painful ain’t helping but I’m also not being the best at taking care of some of them because Why Bother 💀 Many are issues I’ve had for years that ebb and flow in severity and I’m just tired of feeling them and having to manage them. I’m sure any of you with chronic issues understand the feeling well. Those with years and years of major depressive disorder probably also understand the frustration and exhaustion and guilt with knowing you should enjoy something, you WANT to enjoy it, but your body just can’t produce the reaction it should.

I tend to isolate because I’m managing it poorly enough that the topic tends to crop up with the closer few if they ask and that goes Badly cuz, even if they think they won’t, people get uncomfy with the topics which just makes me feel Worse from guilt and sometimes frustration from it being passed over for their comfort or lack of understanding. I am lucky enough to have more recently found one person who Gets It and a beloved soul from lovely old Jersey came back into my life so the bigger problem in that situation is me allowing myself to consistently receive support from them 🤡 One’s so sweet always telling me I can call any time and the other is of the same vein and my dumbass brain keeps being like “but that would bother them” or the usual “you deserve to get worse not get help” 🤡🤡🤡. Clown ass behavior.

Also some bad coping mechanisms make my typing and communication sloppy as hell and I’m quite ashamed of that so best hide that away while it’s going on 💀 due to insistence that it’s Fine I have forgone that instinct to what feels like very Poor Result 🥴 ah the eternal struggle between needing to be Seen to fight the sense of isolation and worthlessness but also being petrified of being perceived while imperfect. Not having any of the connections really be in person doesn’t help too much with feelings isolation because I don't really have anyone around me besides parents that have literally said "why are you making us deal with this" about the intentional near death miss 💀💀💀 my immediate world feels very much like it wants me gone in explicit and subtle ways but c'est la vie. Beggars can’t be choosers so at this point I’m likely just being ungrateful 🤡

One thing making it harder to keep trying is my folks’ years of insistence that I don’t understand my own experience and I’m just dramatic and make things up. It’s an echo of many painful experiences including a whole group intentionally playing games with my sense of reality to enable their friend’s abuse (they got unconsensual nudes from him out of it so that’s worth the price of treating someone like that right?). Such is life.

One of the new things I’m uncertain how to approach handling properly is the grief and such shifting back to the forefront from the first anniversary of my childhood brother figure being taken from us by his bipolar depression. I have known people taken by suicide before but not this close to home. My childhood wasn’t the happiest but he and his family were a bright place in it. His little sister was my best friend in the whole world through my childhood and their family treated me more like family than my own. He was the best mix of a good and bad influence in an older brother figure I could’ve wished for. He fought long and hard but exhaustion hits us all, sometimes even with proper help. What eternally pains me is knowing how helpless and scared he must have felt and even worse how absolutely alone he felt. That was his last feeling in this life. I can only hope that more than anything, whatever happens next is giving him relief, peace, and rest.

Talk on reaching out below!

On that note, if any of you experience suicidality too, my messages (or ask if you’re more comfy on anon) are always open. This is an issue that’s been in my life in many forms since I was 12, so I will not shy away from you or your thoughts. Even if shared with something uncomfortable or "ugly", I find the discomfort of sitting with someone’s pain negligible in comparison to being the one in pain so why not prioritize that person in their need? It’s also negligible under the importance of truly holding space to process those hurts and stresses instead of just simple little niceties.

I am not the best at being active but if I see any of these messages especially we will truly talk. I know how insanely isolating and disappointing it can feel when someone offers support to be nice and then shoves to the next topic or barely responds because it makes them uncomfortable. It is a bitter pill we must often swallow to forgive those who think they will help for making things worse because they have bit off more than they can chew. It is also a bitter feeling that that reaffirms to us that by our very nature, we are too much to handle and are too much to deal with for sharing our internal space and circumstance. But at the same time, all of us are simply human so who am I to malign someone for making mistakes or being imperfect? So long as someone truly wants to try, there is all the reason in the world to give them grace.

Qualifications kind of???

The one good thing that has come from a lot of the experiences that I’ve gone through is that it has forced perspective on me and forced me to learn skills in holding space, validating, and connecting to others in immense pain. No one is perfect in this skill (even therapists struggle - the number who have said they don’t know where to start untangling the traumas or who have cried at it and in turn needed comfort 💀 a strange experience I know my darling at least gets too lol) but I have found in both giving and receiving that honesty and openness is W A Y more important than being perfect.

This is something I’ve watched more people struggle with than not as life circumstances has not made it so that they must learn the skill at the same time that there are resources to learn it, so I may make more posts with advice for it than the bit I go through here. I’m not a licensed therapist so this isn’t going to be a clinical breakdown of how to be someone’s therapist but I would consider my experience as a confidant, consistent reading up on psychological and related sociological research, and experience going through various forms of therapy worthy of giving solid advice. Unfortunately, co-morbidities and resistant brain chemistry really make using the skills on myself Difficult 💀 but as brief examples of experience for validity speaking on this, I’ve been to a lot of group therapy where licensed therapists literally coach you on this, guided a safe space/group for SA survivors in college, coached friends who couldn’t afford therapy through suicidality or abusive situations, and coached survivors through feelings and decisions when deciding whether or not to charge or going through the process of charging their abuser. All of which is much easier to be effective to people you know irl but the support online can be nothing to snub your nose at either. None of this is to say I'm perfect or exceptional - neither is true - just that I’ve had circumstances and experiences that afford me a bit of extra knowledge in this.

In the vast majority of cases, someone who is struggling and coming to you for help wants you to be there - your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective. They don’t want someone sitting uncomfortably and saying the occasional “sorry” they want engagement because more than anything they don’t want to be alone. In a basic example, if you find yourself freezing when someone comes to you with something you don’t know how to handle, instead of saying nothing or only short cliches due to fear of making a mistake, be honest about that. “I’m not sure what to say right now to be honest because that’s so much to deal with. I can’t imagine having to live with that all the time. Is there anything in it frustrating you the most or that you’re having the most difficulty tackling?”. This is active listening and engagement. You are being honest with where you are at so they aren’t guessing what you’re thinking, you are showing that you see how overwhelming the situation is, especially for the person who has to live with it. If you can’t handle a conversation where these issues exist, how do you think it feels to live with them day in and day out, sometimes for years or the majority of a life?

Asking questions is SUPER important too. Trust the other person to only share what they are comfortable with and don’t assume all questions are bad. Asking questions is one of the truest and simplest ways to show you care because why would you want to know more if you don’t give a shit? Asking questions is also very helpful and one of the reasons talking to others about your issues is important - it gives the person struggling something to react to and give perspective. It helps them process the issue in ways they won’t be able to do by themselves. This may make the process sound slightly manufactured but I promise it’s not, especially as it becomes second nature to know what thing to use when. Communication is a skill so advice around it will inherently make it sound more clinical than the actual process is.

People are also not a monolith so while this type of being there works for the vast majority some people may not like it. That is also where communication comes in - check in with the person on if this is helping and what isn't helpful. Make sure to adjust when you make a mistake.

Conclusion

I’m happy to hold space for other issues as well. I’m no replacement for a therapist but I’ve been a helpful supplement to many people I knew struggling throughout the years so I’m at least okay at that! Since I’m doing pretty bad functionally right now the help won’t be as consistent as I wish but I will give whatever is in my power just like these things deserve. I hope to get better soon so that I can properly offer a stronger foundation of support outward again 🤍

[xxskyethetiredemoxx]

Tw sh

Might cut myself tonight. Maybe I'll fucking bleed out and die, wouldn't that be nice

[hannahinspace]

Going to sleep since that’s the only solution to get temporarily away from the demons

[howhow326]

Unhinged emotional rant about James Somerton incoming in 3, 2, 1

If you have suic*dal thoughts or suic*dal idealation, do not read this

Do Not Read This

DO NOT READ THIS

So I don't even believe Somerton has committed death yet because this isn't the first he has baited us with suicide /"pEoPlE wAnT mE dEaD" so there's that.

But assuming he did do it...

I shouldn't be saying this.

I shouldn't say.

I can not care anymore. Not "don't", can't. I have not been able to care about him and his issues ever since I found out he was lying to me, a thousand other people, was racist, was sexist, was transphobic, and had a Nazi fetish like a evil cherry on top.

Again, I assume he is lying about this like everything else he does on the internet, but im the event this os real... I'm not going to say I'm sorry for him.

And I shouldn't be saying that. I don't know when he started having suicidal thoughts, no one can know because he is fraudulant! It is not a good thing he "killed" himself and no one has the right to say anything like that, but my heart has completely frozen over for this man.

Even now, I see people trying to blame HBomb and other rightfully angry people for what may be happening, and seriously, F all of yall. You don't have to right to say "oh, HBomb made him K word himself!" NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT.

I... want this to be the last time James Somerton sees the light of day on my blog (ok poor choice of words). If this post turns into some weird spectcle it will be deleted. I just needed to get this off my chest, and weirdly felt like I haven't done that.

If you are a person with suicidal thoughts, there are people that care about you... I know now that you could be one of the vilest people I know, and I would still shed tears for you if you did it.

[awakeningthevioletswithin]

Sorry I haven't kept up here, with the sale. My last 72 hours convinced me that this world is not hospitable to my existence and it's time to leave. That's how I feel and I'm trying to manage it so it doesn't become a fact.

[callsigns-haze]

There goes my will to live.

I'm done with this shit.

[letterstokareokay]

I don’t wanna be here anymore. I am tired.

[x-aida-x]

Być może samodoskonalenie nie jest sposobem na życie (...) Być może sposobem na życie jest samodestrukcja.

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Najgorsze jest to, że każdy może paść ofiarą kpin- stwierdzam w zamyśleniu. - Dzisiejszy świat jest tak skonstruowany, że właściwie do wszystkiego można się przyczepić. To dlatego tak rozpaczliwie próbujemy być idealni. Nie chcemy dawać innym pretekstu do szkalowania. Ale niezależnie od tego, jak bardzo będziemy sie starać, przegramy. Bo każdy ma jakiś słaby punkt. Mniej lub bardziej widoczny mankament. To błędne koło, w którym tak naprawdę nie ma żadnych zwycięzców. Jest za to cała masa zakompleksionych młodych ludzi, bo obecna rzeczywistość nie sprzyja samoakceptacji.

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Nie panujesz już prawie nad niczym. I w pewnej chwili masz już dość walki, jesteś zbyt zmęczony, i postanawiasz sobie odpuścić. Pozwolić, by stała się tragedia...

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Pewnego dnia, a przynajmniej wydaję się, że stało się to tak nagle, po prostu przestała chcieć być częścią czegokolwiek. Gdziekolwiek przynależeć.

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A może powinnam powiedzieć, że nienawidzę swojego ciała. Nienawidzę swojej słabości, niezdolności do kontrolowania własnego ciała. Nienawidzę tego, jak ludzie postrzegają moje ciało. Nienawidzę tego, jak ludzie gapią się na moje ciało, jak traktują moje ciało, jak je komentują. Nienawidzę tego, że zrównuję poczucie własnej wartości ze stanem, w jakim znajduje się moje ciało, i tego, jak trudno jest uniknąć takiego zrównywania. Nienawidzę tego, jak trudno jest mi pogodzić się z własnymi słabostkami. Nienawidzę tego, że zawodzę tak wiele kobiet, ponieważ nie potrafię zaakceptować mojego ciała w żadnym rozmiarze.

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Boję się. Jeśli pozwolę sobie na chwilę szczęścia, cały świat runie i nie wiem czy to przeżyje.

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Jestem pełna tęsknot i pełna zazdrości, a moja zazdrość jest często okropna. Oglądam odcinek specjalny Nightline – przerażający wykład na temat zaburzeń odżywiania. Takie programy i osoby, które są ich tematem, chorobliwie mnie fascynują. Jest coś w wychudłych twarzach i ostrych, kanciastych ciałach anorektycznych dziewcząt, co jednocześnie przyciąga mnie i odrzuca. Zastanawiam się, co utrzymuje ich ciała w całości. Zazdroszczę im tego, jak ich skóra się napina, naciągnięta na drobnych kościach. Zazdroszczę im, że ubrania zwisają apatycznie z ich ciał, jak gdyby nie tyle były noszone, ile się unosiły – jak prawdziwa aureola z szat, nagroda za chudość. Reporter z niesmakiem opowiada o rygorystycznych ćwiczeniach, jakie narzucają sobie te dziewczyny, o głodzeniu się, o obsesji na punkcie ciała. A ja, mimo wszystko, czuję zazdrość, ponieważ te dziewczyny cechuje siła woli.

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JEŚLI MACIE SWOJE ULUBIONE CYTATY I CHCIELIBYŚCIE SIE NIMI PODZIELIĆ, TO ŚMIAŁO WRZUCAJCIE W KOMENTARZU.