#suidice ideation tw

[aristarshower]

.

[clownstowns]

jinx is gonna be killing herself then ekko s gonna come up and be like no stop you can’t explode shit if ur dead and then she’s like oh shit u right and then they go blow shit up and wear matching crop tops

[backpackingspace]

Okay but let's not pretend that Stolas being suicidal is a new thing. Via's lullaby was literally Stolas singing about how everything would be okay if he was dead.

[wishcamper]

Imagine this:

A young woman is told by her family to follow the instructions of a powerful older man for her own personal growth. They say it is because she has committed an ethical breach by being attracted to and kissing another man. She is asked invasive questions about her sex life and told to atone for her 'outrageous and self-destructive ways'. Her family is instructed to take away 'indulgences' and to ignore her pleas for help.

She is confined to a house until she follows through with a plan to heal the breach. She has frequent sexual contact with the man in charge of her care. Though she is not locked inside, threat of deportation leaves her effectively trapped. She becomes hopeless and suicidal, believing there is no way to undo the damage she's accused of, and will be trapped for the rest of her life unless she complies.

This is not about Nesta Archeron. This is the real life story of Daniela, a woman who was victimized by convicted felon Keith Rainere and his sex-trafficking disguised as self-help organization NXIVM. But the fact that they sound so similar makes me so fucking worried that these books are marketed to an audience of young femme readers.

[bitsofbats]

Batman (Volume 3) #48 - The Best Man, Part 1; 2018 Tom King, Mikel Janín, and June Chung

[mermaidlighthouse]

Ok so I’m gonna recenter the “indestructible little fucker” moment around Ed…yes it’s obviously directed at Izzy and in a literal sense about Izzy but it’s also about what Izzy represents in Ed’s life, Blackbeard, it’s just further confirmation that the only escape for Ed from the persona of Blackbeard, the darkness, is his own death

Even when he thinks it’s gone, when he believes it’s dead, it’s comes back and hurts him…

From Ed’s perspective, he’s tried allowing himself to find the fun in pirating again when he’s teaching Stede and found that when he’s exposed to the darker elements (Calico Jack) he’ll fall right back into the old patterns, he tried doing what just makes Ed happy and it left him broken, he’s tried accepting that even if his dream of running away with Stede and leaving the past behind didn’t work he can still be Ed and while still dealing with his heartbreak is told Ed’s not good enough

He’s exhausted and depressed and he just wants to be Ed but past experience says that’s never gonna happen, even when he’s imagining his idealized versions of himself (the rich fancy man, the innkeeper) he uses the cover of Jeff because Ed’s not good enough for those things…

Ed’s also offered the outside iteration of Blackbeard (Izzy) the opportunity to kill him and even that escape from the pain, suffering, and darkness wasn’t given

So when Izzy appears and shoots him, it proves that Blackbeard is a looming spectre he can’t evade or outmaneuver, it’s indestructible. And it’s further justification for his decision to remove himself from the equation.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Me everytime I encounter the dark side of the ATSV fandom and I'm reminded that Miguel O'Hara is not the real danger to children but the nonces with drawing tablets and too much time who are deadset on making him a nonce too are:

[what-shitfuckery-is-this-ew]

You can't kill yourself yet you need to hear the entirety of Epic!

[traumaticdarling]

I died that day. . .

[depressedteensworld]

there’s literally not a single person in this world that understands how i feel, because i don’t even understand myself

[shadowthescarecrow]

I made myself sad thinking that if the plan of destroying the planet worked Shadow would probably take off his rings and allow his own chaos energy to consume him into oblivion, my boy was so prepared to die he actively asked Sonic to finish him off, you can't convince me he hadn't already planned his own death...

[sordidmusings]

Just a life update and opening!

Brought up because of an ask wondering if I still do stuff here so I figured I'd put out some of whats goin on if anyone is interested! Also throwing it into the void of the internet feels less guilt inducing than forcing it on specific people especially after how overwhelmed folks tend to be cuz I'm bad at metering it out and not just being like 'light jokes about struggle that don't scratch the surface or say anything meaningful' and 'here is all the dark lore' 💀 It's also been a struggle because there really does sometimes feel like theres a whole ass language barrier within your own language when you're AuDHD.

I do still do headcanons and write and draw and yada yada there’s just been quite a bit happening and I’m doing poorly at keeping up with life maintenance let alone things I enjoy 🥴 with writing especially in my hobbies I find myself discouraged in what feels like poor quality of my writing and seeing that reflected back to me because I am Weak 💀 general overview of some of the bigger problems below the cut if you’re interested but I won’t bother y’all with the whole picture! Will be more a summary/overview/alluding to things over getting into gory details. Basically a lot will be covered but I won’t force anything below the broad strokes on y'all.

The end is an ask for people to please reach out if they are struggling so please take that seriously. I offer a space with me but please find wherever in this world you are at least somewhat comfortable and have someone be there with you while you process 🤍 I will have a header above that little piece just incase you'd like to skip to only reading that which is completely fine!

CW for mental health talks, allusions to family issues, references to rape and abuse, death by suicide, and suicidal ideation.

What's Up, Doc?

Between hospitalizations (old and new issues and unfortunate near misses 🤡), my couple jobs (the days my body ain’t tryin to give up and even some days it still is means back to the grindstone. Thank you capitalistic overlords 💀), money stresses (medical debt plus just like y'all know shit ain’t the best for most everyone rn), the spring struggle (nightmares + flashbacks get worse from seasonal + anniversaries of men not caring for consent amongst other things lmaoooo), the mental health slew (diagnosed with AuDHD and most of the big hitters besides a personality disorder), and a few other life happenings and old traumas I’m doing a terrible job at everything 🤡 most of it ain’t new so I know all the proper things to do to help for everything from years of therapy and managing the symptoms and all that but dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s hasn’t been offering any relief for a long while so I’m floundering and quite exhausted.

The health issues making everything difficult and painful ain’t helping but I’m also not being the best at taking care of some of them because Why Bother 💀 Many are issues I’ve had for years that ebb and flow in severity and I’m just tired of feeling them and having to manage them. I’m sure any of you with chronic issues understand the feeling well. Those with years and years of major depressive disorder probably also understand the frustration and exhaustion and guilt with knowing you should enjoy something, you WANT to enjoy it, but your body just can’t produce the reaction it should.

I tend to isolate because I’m managing it poorly enough that the topic tends to crop up with the closer few if they ask and that goes Badly cuz, even if they think they won’t, people get uncomfy with the topics which just makes me feel Worse from guilt and sometimes frustration from it being passed over for their comfort or lack of understanding. I am lucky enough to have more recently found one person who Gets It and a beloved soul from lovely old Jersey came back into my life so the bigger problem in that situation is me allowing myself to consistently receive support from them 🤡 One’s so sweet always telling me I can call any time and the other is of the same vein and my dumbass brain keeps being like “but that would bother them” or the usual “you deserve to get worse not get help” 🤡🤡🤡. Clown ass behavior.

Also some bad coping mechanisms make my typing and communication sloppy as hell and I’m quite ashamed of that so best hide that away while it’s going on 💀 due to insistence that it’s Fine I have forgone that instinct to what feels like very Poor Result 🥴 ah the eternal struggle between needing to be Seen to fight the sense of isolation and worthlessness but also being petrified of being perceived while imperfect. Not having any of the connections really be in person doesn’t help too much with feelings isolation because I don't really have anyone around me besides parents that have literally said "why are you making us deal with this" about the intentional near death miss 💀💀💀 my immediate world feels very much like it wants me gone in explicit and subtle ways but c'est la vie. Beggars can’t be choosers so at this point I’m likely just being ungrateful 🤡

One thing making it harder to keep trying is my folks’ years of insistence that I don’t understand my own experience and I’m just dramatic and make things up. It’s an echo of many painful experiences including a whole group intentionally playing games with my sense of reality to enable their friend’s abuse (they got unconsensual nudes from him out of it so that’s worth the price of treating someone like that right?). Such is life.

One of the new things I’m uncertain how to approach handling properly is the grief and such shifting back to the forefront from the first anniversary of my childhood brother figure being taken from us by his bipolar depression. I have known people taken by suicide before but not this close to home. My childhood wasn’t the happiest but he and his family were a bright place in it. His little sister was my best friend in the whole world through my childhood and their family treated me more like family than my own. He was the best mix of a good and bad influence in an older brother figure I could’ve wished for. He fought long and hard but exhaustion hits us all, sometimes even with proper help. What eternally pains me is knowing how helpless and scared he must have felt and even worse how absolutely alone he felt. That was his last feeling in this life. I can only hope that more than anything, whatever happens next is giving him relief, peace, and rest.

Talk on reaching out below!

On that note, if any of you experience suicidality too, my messages (or ask if you’re more comfy on anon) are always open. This is an issue that’s been in my life in many forms since I was 12, so I will not shy away from you or your thoughts. Even if shared with something uncomfortable or "ugly", I find the discomfort of sitting with someone’s pain negligible in comparison to being the one in pain so why not prioritize that person in their need? It’s also negligible under the importance of truly holding space to process those hurts and stresses instead of just simple little niceties.

I am not the best at being active but if I see any of these messages especially we will truly talk. I know how insanely isolating and disappointing it can feel when someone offers support to be nice and then shoves to the next topic or barely responds because it makes them uncomfortable. It is a bitter pill we must often swallow to forgive those who think they will help for making things worse because they have bit off more than they can chew. It is also a bitter feeling that that reaffirms to us that by our very nature, we are too much to handle and are too much to deal with for sharing our internal space and circumstance. But at the same time, all of us are simply human so who am I to malign someone for making mistakes or being imperfect? So long as someone truly wants to try, there is all the reason in the world to give them grace.

Qualifications kind of???

The one good thing that has come from a lot of the experiences that I’ve gone through is that it has forced perspective on me and forced me to learn skills in holding space, validating, and connecting to others in immense pain. No one is perfect in this skill (even therapists struggle - the number who have said they don’t know where to start untangling the traumas or who have cried at it and in turn needed comfort 💀 a strange experience I know my darling at least gets too lol) but I have found in both giving and receiving that honesty and openness is W A Y more important than being perfect.

This is something I’ve watched more people struggle with than not as life circumstances has not made it so that they must learn the skill at the same time that there are resources to learn it, so I may make more posts with advice for it than the bit I go through here. I’m not a licensed therapist so this isn’t going to be a clinical breakdown of how to be someone’s therapist but I would consider my experience as a confidant, consistent reading up on psychological and related sociological research, and experience going through various forms of therapy worthy of giving solid advice. Unfortunately, co-morbidities and resistant brain chemistry really make using the skills on myself Difficult 💀 but as brief examples of experience for validity speaking on this, I’ve been to a lot of group therapy where licensed therapists literally coach you on this, guided a safe space/group for SA survivors in college, coached friends who couldn’t afford therapy through suicidality or abusive situations, and coached survivors through feelings and decisions when deciding whether or not to charge or going through the process of charging their abuser. All of which is much easier to be effective to people you know irl but the support online can be nothing to snub your nose at either. None of this is to say I'm perfect or exceptional - neither is true - just that I’ve had circumstances and experiences that afford me a bit of extra knowledge in this.

In the vast majority of cases, someone who is struggling and coming to you for help wants you to be there - your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective. They don’t want someone sitting uncomfortably and saying the occasional “sorry” they want engagement because more than anything they don’t want to be alone. In a basic example, if you find yourself freezing when someone comes to you with something you don’t know how to handle, instead of saying nothing or only short cliches due to fear of making a mistake, be honest about that. “I’m not sure what to say right now to be honest because that’s so much to deal with. I can’t imagine having to live with that all the time. Is there anything in it frustrating you the most or that you’re having the most difficulty tackling?”. This is active listening and engagement. You are being honest with where you are at so they aren’t guessing what you’re thinking, you are showing that you see how overwhelming the situation is, especially for the person who has to live with it. If you can’t handle a conversation where these issues exist, how do you think it feels to live with them day in and day out, sometimes for years or the majority of a life?

Asking questions is SUPER important too. Trust the other person to only share what they are comfortable with and don’t assume all questions are bad. Asking questions is one of the truest and simplest ways to show you care because why would you want to know more if you don’t give a shit? Asking questions is also very helpful and one of the reasons talking to others about your issues is important - it gives the person struggling something to react to and give perspective. It helps them process the issue in ways they won’t be able to do by themselves. This may make the process sound slightly manufactured but I promise it’s not, especially as it becomes second nature to know what thing to use when. Communication is a skill so advice around it will inherently make it sound more clinical than the actual process is.

People are also not a monolith so while this type of being there works for the vast majority some people may not like it. That is also where communication comes in - check in with the person on if this is helping and what isn't helpful. Make sure to adjust when you make a mistake.

Conclusion

I’m happy to hold space for other issues as well. I’m no replacement for a therapist but I’ve been a helpful supplement to many people I knew struggling throughout the years so I’m at least okay at that! Since I’m doing pretty bad functionally right now the help won’t be as consistent as I wish but I will give whatever is in my power just like these things deserve. I hope to get better soon so that I can properly offer a stronger foundation of support outward again 🤍

[m0ntell]

TW SH TALK

it’s definitely not js me but whenever i cut i feel like it’s NOT enough, i want blood GUSHING FUCKING FLOWING OUT OF ME, like i’m a god damn river, i want it all over my hands, all over my arms and thighs, but like, the thing is, my right thigh has been cut so much that keloid scars are starting to form (puffy scar tissue) and it pisses me off so much.

TW SLEWERSIDE

i’m so fucking done with life too, i’m so worried ab my boyfriend who i love to death, i think my dog and fish are gonna die, i’m scared i’m not gonna get any fucking better, i don’t wanna have to live like this, i’ve been suffering for OVER two years and i still haven’t gotten the help i need. and it’s REALLY pissing me off. i’ve been trying to get better, i’ve tried getting clean, getting out of bed, taking my meds, going out more, doing fun things taking risks, but i feel like fucking shit. everyday is the same wake up, get ready, do school work. and it’s so fucking terrible. the same shit, over and over. i’m so fucking over it and it makes me worse. my favorite teacher has noticed that i’m not myself and it bums me out like crazy. i’ve never wanted to die more in my life, i’ve had so many failed attempts and it’s really pissing me off. i js want it to be over. the ghost pains, the flashbacks, my schizophrenia, i want it to be all over. and i literally cannot take this shit anymore. it’s so hard and so fucking boring, i’m barely 15 and i’ve never wanted anything more but to die. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life. i need it to be over. i NEED it to be over, i’ve been suffering, i’ve never gotten skinny enough, i’ve never been enough for anyone. i’ve never wanted to bleed out more. i need help and i’ve been asking for it but still haven’t gotten shit. js end my suffering PLEASE. this has been such a shitty fucking life and i’ve never wanted anything more but to die it’s so shitty i’m ready for it to be over.

[xxskyethetiredemoxx]

Tw sh

Might cut myself tonight. Maybe I'll fucking bleed out and die, wouldn't that be nice

[medra-gonbites]

Congratulations

Happy birthday to me. Hope you enjoy this piece.

Pairing: Gale x Fem!Tav

Words: 1059

CW- Suicide, Angst, Hurt no Comfort

It was the best day of Gale’s life.

He had woken up early to his wife vomiting.

She had always been moody and cranky in the morning, but this was different. She had been sick for more than a week and he had tried his best to soothe her and nurse her back to health. As her situation did not improve, he had taken her to a cleric. The old woman was now standing right in front of them and after a thorough examination was categorical:

‘Six weeks. Maybe seven... Congratulations!’

The news rang in Gale’s ear. A wave of bewilderment crashing into him before leaving room for excitement. He was ecstatic.

Sure, he had doubted his paternal instincts in the past. When she had asked two years ago, they were on the run, an illithid tadpole in their respective brains, and a bomb in his chest. Now they were married, tadpole and orb-free and they loved each other so much.

He was scared senseless. About the coming challenges, the responsibilities, the sleepless nights, the chaos. But he also saw the love, the joy, the new path that was expanding suddenly in front of them. He adored Tav and he was so happy to be able to share that experience with her.

He turned to her, his gaze full of wonder and passion but he froze before her expression. Panic, anxiety, fear etched on her face. Tears running down silently, and her body shaking like a leaf.

This was not good.

Gale took her home. He wanted her to rest and to process the news. She needed to lay down and calm down and sleep. She needed time. Time to see how much of a blessing this was. To get confidence in herself, a trust she often cruelly missed when it came to her own abilities.

She kept rambling and fidgeting and panting. Spiraling into a state of despair and self loathing. She did not want this. She was not ready. She would break it. Make it broken as she was. Her state of despair was growing wild and untamed and so venomous Gale flinched at the idea he could not convince her otherwise.

He gently took her in his arms. Rocking back and forth, murmuring sweet words to her ear in an attempt to comfort her.

‘You will be a wonderful mother.’

‘You don't need to know what to do, you will learn. I will learn. We will learn together.’

‘You can do this. You will not break it.’

‘It will be wonderful. It will be healthy and happy. It will be perfect. Like you.’

But his words were useless. She was giving in to frenzy and hysteria as her mind raced to darker and darker corners, reigniting memories, reopening old wounds and just telling herself that she could not do this.

After a few hours of tears, she finally fell asleep, exhausted and still so scared. But she looked so peaceful as she slept and Gale wanted to do something for her. He headed to town to gather some of her favorite things. He wanted to cheer her up: as saddened by her reaction to the news, he was himself euphoric and he wanted her to be too. He wanted her to see how good this was. He was sure he could turn this day around. Show how much he loved her and how much he would like to have more of her around.

He got her favorite pastry. The scented candles she liked so much. The last tome of the book series she was currently reading. A little black thing which she would look wonderful in (and with no waistband too, so that she could wear it throughout her pregnancy…).

Gale came back a few hours later. The tower was dark and inexplicably cold. Anguish sank in the pit of his stomach; an unexplained apprehension taking over. He called her. She did not answer. He searched their home but she was not to be found.

Making his way to the kitchen he found a note. Written in cursive, hastily. He recognized her writing. His chest tightened as he read it. His heart aching, his mouth dry, his eyes burning. Disbelief hung heavy in his head, before being replaced by horror. Time stretched as he scanned those words. And he felt the urge to scream. To run to her. To magically erase these words and what they meant. To find her and hold her tight so she might never write, say or think this way.

Before he could take action and fix it all, like he still believed he could, a knock on the door sent a jolt of renewed panic into his core. A member of the Griffon Watch asked him to sit. And he cried and cried and cried when he was given the abominable news he did not want to believe. His heart shattered in millions of shards.

The letter remained on the kitchen floor, a silent apology from her.

“My love,

I'm sorry I am causing worry and ache. And I hope you can forgive me.

I would have been honoured to carry your child if I were anyone else. But I am me and as you know, it is something I have struggled with my whole life. I love you and I would see the world with more of you in it. But I wouldn't want more of me.

Every day, I fear when I wake up. Every night I fear when I go to sleep. I cannot fathom a future for myself as I do for you. I see you happy and thriving but I'm never at your side. I live in constant dread that you will wake from your dream, take these rose tinted glasses off and see that I am not special. Not important. Not loveable. That you'll realise that you can be happy without me. That something, someone, better is around the corner. For all your efforts, you could never convince me otherwise.

By the time you will be reading this I'll be gone. And you won't have to worry about me, care for me or carry me like you so often did.

I hope you can forgive me for the trouble I caused you.

Remember I love you more than anything.

I simply couldn't love myself…

Tav”

[intrusive-thoughts-only]

Another night of insomnia, another night stuffed to the brim with suicidal thoughts.