#tw: sui attempt

[hootyhoowoo]

Yushi Huang my beloved + manwhore Pei Ming

[joyfulpeanutfest]

[buddiebeginz]

If you're making anti Ryan Guzman posts right after the man just talked about a su*cide attempt kindly block me. No one is saying you have to be a fan of his or even forgive him for past mistakes but maybe have an ounce of tact and keep your opinions to yourself for 5 minutes or at least keep them out of his tag.

[tommykinard6]

TW: past suicide (not main character), past attempted suicide, suicidal ideation, mental health crisis.

The water was dark and choppy below his feet, dangling over the river from where Eddie sat on the bridge.

It was one of those bridges with a good footpath, but tended to be deserted at night so a car only passed Eddie every once in a while. None slowed, not seeing his shadowy figure leaning against one of the pillars. His car was pulled onto the shoulder just off of the bridge and he’d been there just long enough to wish he’d brought a jacket, but not long enough to convince himself to leave.

What was he going home to? An empty house? To a life that no longer felt worth-

No. He shook his head to disperse the thoughts, but he didn’t get up, kicking his feet as he looked at the water far beneath him.

He barely heard the footsteps before someone sat beside him. He turned, ready to say any excuse or to run in case the person was weird, but any words he had died on his tongue when he saw Tommy Kinard sitting beside him. The older man was watching him with a carefully blank face, but his eyes were worried.

Eddie waited for the other man to speak first and an awkward amount of time passed before he realized it was on him. “What are you doing here?”

He then kicked himself. He could’ve struck up a friendly conversation, said anything else to get that worried look out of Tommy’s eyes, but he didn’t and the look only grew deeper.

“Passing by, saw your car. Could ask you the same thing, Eddie. Perilous place to stargaze.”

“I’m fine.” And maybe it was something in his tone or maybe Tommy was never going to be fooled anyway, but his answer only made the worry lines in his friend’s face deeper. “Really. I’m just clearing my thoughts.”

Tommy hummed and looked down at the choppy water below just as a gust of wind washed over them. Eddie shivered. “There’s a nice park across the bridge. That’s a pretty good place to think. Been there a few times myself. Less dangerous than here. Less cold.”

“It’s not too bad.” Eddie was, in fact, freezing, but he could barely feel it. He felt a flicker of irritation that Tommy was still there. He just wanted to be left alone. “Seriously man, I’m good. You on your way to Buck’s?”

Tommy hummed an affirmation. “Yeah, but I’m in no rush. Might sit here for a minute, if you don’t mind. Pay my respects.”

Eddie couldn’t help the curiosity, even over the growing irritation that he tried not to examine too closely. “Your respects?”

“Mhm. Lost someone here about seven years ago.”

“A call?”

“Nah. Someone more personal.”

“I’m sorry.” The irritation died down as he took in Tommy’s distant look.

“He was a bastard, but he deserved better.” Tommy turned to look at Eddie and the younger man felt a little too seen under sharp blue eyes. “Wouldn’t think it, but it’s not an uncommon place to pitch yourself off of. We attended more than a few calls here, back when I was at the 118.”

The irritation flickered back to life and Eddie swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Yeah. We got a call like that last week.”

“Did they survive?”

“No. DOA.”

Tommy hummed softly. “Sorry, man. Those are rough.” He nudged Eddie’s shoulder. “Probably should head back, man. You don’t want to fall in.”

“Seriously, I’m good, man. Thanks. I’m just going to hang out here.”

To his annoyance, Tommy didn’t move. Eddie stared out over the water, shoulders tense as he waited for the other man to either leave or say something. He finally did, voice tentative as he asked, “You doing ok, Eds?”

The irritation snapped into something bigger. “I’d do a lot better alone, Tommy. No offense man, but I really don’t want company right now.” He dared to look over at the pilot and the man’s blank face made him snap, “Seriously, man, you’re acting like I’m going to throw myself off!”

“I did.”

It took a moment to register in Eddie’s brain, but when it did, the irritation flickered out like an extinguished candle. “What?”

“Rather, I tried.” Tommy’s face was stony and he wasn’t looking at Eddie, eyes turned towards the water. “The guy I lost here seven years ago was me, Eddie. Or rather, the man I used to be. And I tried to throw the rest of me in with him. This very spot. It’s the deepest. I jumped from where you’re sitting now.”

Eddie was lost for words, jolted out of his own head for the first time in a while. “But you’re alive.”

“I never hit the water.” Tommy looked down, fiddling with his hoodie string. “Someone caught me as I stepped off, dragged me back onto the bridge no matter how much I screamed for him to let me go.”

Eddie tried to wrap his brain around it, the little pieces of a picture he had no idea existed with the man sitting next to him. “Why?” His voice sounded wrecked.

“I thought my life was over. I thought everything I’d worked for, everything that I’d fought for, was gone. I’d faked being someone I wasn’t until I was and that person was someone I despised but I thought I was protecting myself until that night. I thought I’d given up everything and it was all for nothing. I was going to be ostracized from the only family I had. So I came here to end it all.”

His voice was matter of fact, but quivered slightly towards the end. Eddie floundered for a moment, feeling like he’d been pushed off of the bridge into the cold waters below. “But you were saved?”

“By the person I thought was going to end my life. By one of the people I thought I was dying to avoid. He’d followed me here, knew what I was going to do. He…” Tommy paused, swallowing harshly. “He hated who I was. He wanted me to hide who I was. But he didn’t want me dead. So he pulled me off of this bridge and took me home and didn’t allow me out of his sight until he knew I wasn’t a danger to myself anymore. And then he left my life. He hated who I was too much to stay, but he didn’t hate me enough to let me die.”

There was a lot to unpack there. And if Eddie was a good friend, he would ask more questions, listen to Tommy. But he didn’t think he could be a good friend to anyone right now, including himself. “You think I’m here to jump?”

“You have the same look in your eye that I had in those days leading up to me stepping off of this spot. I don’t know if you’re here to jump Eddie, but I don’t think you’re going to catch yourself either. Like hell am I going to leave you here. So please, Eddie, let me take you off of this bridge, alright? Because I’m not leaving until you do.”

Eddie looked down, lump in his throat as he watched the waves. “But…”

“Trust me, man. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Because it’s temporary. Chris is coming back and you guys will sort it out. You have a family that loves you and friends that want you. And you have a hell of a lot to live for. So you’re going to come back with me to Evan and you’re going to stay with us. Tomorrow we’re going to call your therapist.” There was a pause. “You have a therapist, right? Cause if not, we’re getting you one.”

Eddie nodded slowly. “Frank.”

And he shouldn’t expect Tommy to know who Frank was, but the man nodded immediately. “LAFD Frank? Good man. We’re calling him.”

Eddie turned to look at Tommy, shivering slightly as he felt the next gust of wind. “But you and Buck-“

“Don’t even think about it. Evan wants you there too.”

“You haven’t told him though.”

“I don’t have to. Eddie, will you let me get you off this bridge?”

And every fiber in Eddie’s being screamed at him to say no, to pull away. But Tommy was there, gaze unwavering and determined. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Eddie wasn’t even sure he wanted him to anymore.

He was so confused. He was so tired.

“Ok.”

[h3llblazer]

SEVERE TW TO EVERYONE. NOT A DRILL GENUINELY THIS MIGHT REALLY TRIGGER SOME PEOPLE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Tw: attempted sewerslide, sewerslide, unhealthy thoughts, depression and a maybe bit too gruesome description at times, Be aware!!

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Why...why every single time that he tries to get better, act like he always does, he ends up in worse situations than ever.

He didn't want it to come to this, really he didn't it just..became too much, maybe he drank too much that night, if he were sober maybe he wouldn't have done this, maybe he would've actually looked for help if he just held on a little longer?

But oh well, it's too late now.

It's pathetic really, he should be so much better than this, I mean he literal reason he got this far was trough a previous attempt on ending his own life..but well he did one before that too and he didn't even end up dying so, maybe this time will work right? I mean he wouldn't have much of a consequence on dying, he's banned from both hell and heaven so his soul would simply be obliterated, ultimate ending. No chance to even suffer more.

He would probably deserve hell more than anyone but guess once more he got the easy way out of this one.

Drunken steps leading him to the bathroom, was this the smartest way to do it? Maybe, maybe not, I mean not like he'll feel much anyway, his arm has gone through enough nerve damage already due to many many rituals, so..this shouldn't hurt as much as it did.

He let the water run, sitting in his bath tub, not even crying just in a blank state of reality and delusion.

A wish to die, really now?..well..really honestly if he had any ounce of rationality left he wouldn't have done this.

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One deep cut, right on the artery..hell it started bleeding like crazy the second he cut it open, holding back a cry of pain. Holy shit this hurt-

The alcohol did it's best to just numb the pain, which it did a good job at.

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Now just wait...wait for the world to fade. Wait for his doom...why didn't he even think twice?

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Dog Days Are Over

kai parker x reader

summary: the post-wedding heartbreak never ceases. without him, life seems to lose its meaning. but despite your best efforts to depart and chase the void that seems to call to you, somehow you're held back. someone refuses to let you go.

tags: tw: su1c1de attempt & thoughts, blood, blood drinking, vampirism / transition, heretics / siphoning, emotional hurt / comfort, light angst, heartache, anger / mild violence, slow recovery, domesticity, friendships, found family, canon divergence, loosely follows plot of seasons 7 & 8

word count: 8.2k

a/n: I'm obsessed with found family x heretics, if you can't tell. I've had this idea for months and finally was able to execute it! (and by execute, i mean write the whole thing in 10 hours & edit for 2 days)

A subtle weight rests on your body; a heaviness in your chest makes it hard to breathe. You don’t fight it. In a couple of minutes, it won’t matter anyway. The wound in your stomach bleeds, soiling your bright blue shirt with a dark red tint. Your heart rate slows, and your eyes flutter. The world around you is getting darker by the second. The end is near, and you swear you can taste it. To whether it’s heaven or hell you are headed, you don’t mind. Or maybe, it’s nothingness. A void. Either way, anything is better than here. 

Your short gasps for breath begin to even out as your heart fails. Pumping no longer seems necessary, so the organ quits. It succumbs to the state that your brain has been in for weeks: numb. Cold. Dead. 

A glimpse of life flashes before your wilting eyes. A figure running towards you, putting their hands on your cheek. Your lover, maybe, greeting you for an eternity of peaceful nothingness together. Your lips part in the joy of seeing him. Blood trickles from your mouth; the wound finally shutting down your body. Your eyes close and you welcome the darkness. 

<•>

The next time you wake up, it’s still dark, and you automatically assume it’s the void that called you home. The Other Side collapsed over a year ago, but supernatural creatures have died since, and nobody ever knows where they go. Here, presumably. To the dark. 

After a moment, your eyes begin to adjust and you move to sit up on your knees. The ground beneath you is hard and cold, like cement. It is not at all welcoming or comforting, but maybe that’s how death is supposed to feel. You shrug, not caring yet. Soon, you won’t feel anymore. Soon, you’ll enter the void, or cross the Styx, or whatever is the last necessary step of dying. Soon, you’ll be free. 

You stand, then stumble. One minute, your mind and soul feel empty, but in the next, an insatiable hunger takes over your body. It knocks you back to your knees. A whine escapes your throat. Death should not feel this way. Death is supposed to be empty. Something’s wrong. 

“Hello?” You call into the void, not expecting an answer. 

Instead, you hear a far-off voice, talking not to you, but someone else. “She’s awake.”

Fear thumbs in your heart. You put a hand over it, only to realize after a couple seconds that it’s not beating. The hunger increases as the sound of footsteps approaches. This isn’t happening. You can’t be alive; shouldn’t be. You chose death. Wanted it. Sought it. 

But someone had other plans. 

<•>

“Hello?” A girl calls out, maybe to you. She waits, then pulls back a small window, letting a little light in your supposed void. “Where are you?”

“What do you want?” You ask, straining. Your voice comes out weaker than you like it to be.

“I brought you something.” 

“Nora, turn on the light,” another girl says.

“Would you like a light?”

No, you think. You’d like to be dead. But… you’d also like to identify your captors. “Okay.”

An overhead light comes on a moment later. You shut your eyes tight as it floods your senses, then open it once you start to adjust. 

“Too much?”

“Was there a lamp option?” You sass. 

“I could find a lamp,” the second girl suggests.

“We’ll find her one in a moment,” the first turns back to you, “can you see us alright?”

Finally, you can. Two girls peek through a window, one brunette and one blonde. They seem sweet, not like the high school mean girls’ type, but you’re still cautious. “I can see you.”

“Good. We have something for you.”

The smell of blood attacks your senses. Your hunger grows. 

You make two big strides to the pair, before realizing something. You weren’t a vampire before, so why should the smell of blood excite you now? You stop, shaking your head. “No.”

“You have to drink,” the blonde urges. You have to complete the transition, she doesn’t say, despite it on her mind. 

“No, I wanted to die. I tried to die.” You lock eyes with the brunette. “One of you turned me.”

“Y/N, you can’t die. You-”

“How do you know my name?! Who are you?!”

“That doesn’t matter right now, what matters is that you drink.”

“No!”

“Y/N, please!” She holds the bag further out to you. 

Your weak body begs for you to drink, but your mournful heart refuses. “No!” You shout again. “I’m not drinking your blood; I’m not transitioning!”

“You have to!” The blonde agrees with her friend. “You’re getting paler by the second.”

“Good. Then I’ll have lived and died a witch.”

“You’re too young to die, Y/N. You can’t give up. He wouldn’t want you to give up.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Please, drink, and then we can talk.”

“No. You can’t make me.”

“I can,” she argues.

“You won’t come in here with me. With me so close to transitioning. That would be suicide.”

“Well we can’t let you die, either.”

You stand off with the two girls. They seem to communicate telepathically between themselves. It’s quite frightening to not know what they’re thinking. You stare at them, wondering who they are and why they care that you live. 

“You’ll thank us later, Y/N, just drink.”

“I don’t want to live. If I wanted to, I wouldn’t have stabbed myself.”

“You won’t feel this heartbreak forever,” the blonde speaks, like a Hallmark card you didn’t ask to receive. You roll your eyes. 

“I think we have to,” the first girl says, hand undoing the bag.

“I agree.”

Before you can ask about their apparent plan, they’re opening the door and swarming to you. 

“Get out!” You cry. The blonde holds your left arm, while the brunette backs you up to the wall. “I don’t want it.”

“You’ll be grateful one day,” she sticks her promise to you again. 

“If it’s not today, there’s no point. I can’t take this anymore.”

“Take it from someone who spent a hundred years in solitary confinement, I know loneliness. It hurts. It’s worse than a knife to the stomach,” she references your attempt. It’s still apparent on your clothes. “But life isn’t all sad. Sometimes it can be beautiful.”

“I’ve seen it beautiful,” you argue, tears forming in your eyes, “I've seen it, yet I’ll never see it again.”

“You have to trust us. Trust yourself. You can be happy again.”

“No.”

“Yes, Y/N, come on. Drink the blood.” The brunette holds the bag to your face, pinning you against the wall.

“No.” In a last ditch effort, you raise your free arm and smack the bag out of her hand. It flies, then hits the stone wall across from you and splatters. Her eyes go wide, and when she looks back at you, a triumphant look shines in your eyes. 

“What did you do that for?!” The blonde shouts. “Waste a perfectly good bag!”

“It’s okay, Mary Louise, just means she’ll get a taste of the real stuff.” Before you can ask, the vampire before you is biting her wrist and shoving it between your lips. You fight, kicking and swinging, but the girls are much stronger. “Keep her still,” she nods to her friend, “just a little more.”

Your wrist starts to burn. You glance down for a second and see an orange glow emitting from the point of connection on your skin. “What-”

The brunette takes advantage of your parted lips and shoves her wrist further into your mouth. “Okay, stop,” she says, and the girl siphoning stops. 

Your body is weak, but your heart feels strong. It doesn’t beat, but the blood filling your stomach powers it. The siphoning, however, tolls on your body. The girls let go of you, watch you daze, then gently help your body to the floor. You’re out like a light, asleep. 

<•>

You’re much stronger the second time awake. Stronger, with a vengeance. First, you need to find out who those girls were, how they were able to siphon you, and why they wanted to keep you alive. Then, you need to find the nearest piece of wood and send your soul to the void like you had planned. 

You look around, searching for anything sharp and anything wooden. You realize now that you’re in a cellar with absolutely nothing that could be used as a weapon, and the only thing in there with you is another blood bag. Angrily, you kick it and it splatters. The smell reaches your nose and you curse yourself for wasting it, now hungry. On the bright side, the violent act seems to let your captors know you’re awake. They walk gingerly down the stairs only a moment later, then switch on a lamp before opening the window. 

“Y/N?” The brunette starts, tone cautious. 

Your reply is bitter. “What?”

“I’m sorry we had to hold you down. We didn’t want it to come to that.”

“But you had to drink. We couldn’t let you die.”

“What do you care? And who are you?” Then, “and why could you siphon me?”

“If we let you out, will you run?”

“We can’t let her out, Mary. I don’t trust she won’t hurt herself.” You scoff. She turns back to you. “I’m Nora, this is Mary Louise.”

“And? How do you know me?”

“Well, we don’t, but we recognized you from pictures.”

“Pictures? What pictures?”

The girls hesitate. A name rests on their tongues, but they don’t utter it. Unbeknownst to you, they fear saying it out loud will drive you mad. Names have power, and in this case, a lot of it. 

“Doesn’t matter right now,” the brunette, Nora, says instead. “What matters is that you get better.”

You laugh dryly. “I would’ve been better off dead.”

Mary Louise seems to get agitated at that. “Stop saying that! You have to live! He’d-”

“Mary, don’t say anything.” The girl quiets immediately. 

“Why do you care so much if I live? Who’s he? Where am I?”

“Technically, you’re in the Salvatore house. The basement. We’d give you a room if we could trust you, but it’s too great a risk that you’d hurt yourself still.”

“Why the boarding house? Where’s Damon? Stefan? Do they know I’m here?”

The girls share glances but confess nothing. “You’re safe here. We are not going to hurt you.”

“That’s what people often say before hurting said captive.”

“You’re at more risk by your own hand than ours,” Mary retorts. “You stabbed yourself in an alley behind a dumpster. You’re lucky Nora and I sensed the blood.”

“Luck is not the term I’d use. If you couldn’t tell, I did it on purpose.”

They sigh as if they knew it was on purpose, but for some reason they’re not telling you, they still felt the need to save you. 

You ask again, “why did you turn me? Why not just let me die?”

Nora hands you a new blood bag. “Drink this.”

Rolling your eyes more, you refuse. “No.”

“Drink, and we’ll give you answers.”

“C’mon, you’ve already transitioned,” Mary argues, “you might as well not dessicate.”

You know she’s right. Angrily, you snatch the bag and drink it down quickly. When you toss the bag back at Nora, she sighs. 

“You’re a friend of a friend of ours,” she says vaguely. “He would want you to live. He’d want you to live your life and die naturally, rather than die young and heartbroken.”

“That ‘naturally’ part is no longer happening-”

“-which is not our fault,” Mary snaps, interrupting you.

“Mary,” the other calms, “patience. Yes, when you die, it will no longer be natural, but at least as a vampire, you have a shot at life again. In a sense, maybe, it’s a gift. You can leave if you want to leave. You can go where you want. You’re not bound by human laws or rules. You can be free.”

“I don’t want to be free. I don’t want anything if I can’t-” you stop yourself. “I didn’t ask for this.”

“I know. But someday, you’ll realize life is worth living, and you’ll be glad that you got a second chance. Take it from someone - both of us - who were given one.”

“Easy for you to say, you have each other. I have no one.”

“Maybe we can be someone for you, if you trust us.”

“Yeah, not likely.”

“Give it time, Y/N. We’ll bring you another bag later.”

As she shuts the window, you shout. “You didn’t even answer all my questions!” But they’re gone. The lamp remains on, but you’re left to your thoughts, alone. 

<•>

The same cycle repeats for days. Weeks, even. The longer the mystery girls keep you locked up, the angrier you get. They arrive, open the window, practically force you a bag, spew bullshit about how you’ll get better, then leave. Two, sometimes three times a day. No one else ever visits, although one time, they had a third girl - Valerie - join them. She didn’t talk much, but she sure did seem to study you. 

That day, after realizing there were more people in the house than just the two of them, you grow restless. Your mind is understimulated and bored. Your heart is broken and sore. You haven’t seen daylight in god knows how long. The next time Nora and Mary Louise come down, you’re ready to pick a fight. 

You drink the bag without complaints, then send it flying back through the barred window along with a string of shouts and cuss words. They’ve given you the bare minimum of information, despite promising an explanation, and saving you from death just to lock you in a cellar seems cruel and unfair. They want you to live, yet treat you like a wild animal. They swear they’re protecting you, but you can’t see them as anything but kidnappers. 

Nora remains calm throughout your rants, though Mary Louise looks on the verge of tears. It hurts, a little, to see her so upset, but if she could feel the agony you feel day-after-day, maybe she’d understand your pain. 

After every last word on your mind is spat out to the girls, Nora gives you a look that you hate. It reads that she sympathizes; she cares, in her own way, but she keeps you confined for your own good. You hate to admit it, but she’s right. If they had even given you a pillow, you’d find a way to hurt yourself. Even if you kill yourself daily just to be unconscious most of the time. Still, you scream at them. How you didn’t ask to live; how you were ready to die; how you can’t live without him, and he’s gone. You think Nora doesn’t understand, but she does. They both do. 

She doesn’t tell you she does until you settle. And when you do, she finally tells you all of it.

<•>

“Your silencing spells are weakening with her anger. She’s literally breaking them down, there’s so much pain in her screams,” Valerie tells the girls. “You better get her under control quickly, or Lily will have something to say about it.”

“She’s just facing the worst part of her transition. All the pain is hitting her at once, coupled with the fact that her lover is dead. Give her a break.”

“You shouldn’t have turned her at all, Nora.”

“Well I couldn’t very well let Kai’s girlfriend kill herself out of heartbreak. We owe it to him to save her.”

“Some people don’t want to be saved.”

“She doesn’t want to die,” Nora counters, “she just doesn’t want to live without him.”

“And now she’ll live forever without him.”

“I’m going to help her find happiness in this life. Even if he’s not here, she needs to know life is worth it to hold on and find something that makes you happy again.”

“A heartbroken vampire in love with a murdered sociopath can be a very dangerous thing.”

“So can a previously dessicated heretic still in love with her ex-lover from the eighteen hundreds,” Nora sasses. “She’ll be okay, she just needs time.”

“I bet Mary Louise won’t like you devoting so much time to a girl that’s not her.”

Mary enters the conversation from the kitchen. She leans against the doorframe, a small smirk on her lips. “Mary quite likes the girl, actually. She’s grateful to Kai for feeding us and busting us out of that god-awful prison world, and she knows how much Y/N meant to him. And, she likes seeing her girlfriend put so much effort into healing someone else’s broken heart.”

Valerie rolls her eyes, defeated. “Whatever. Just put up new silencing spells, because the neighbors will start to complain.”

<•> 

That afternoon, the girls visit you and prepare themselves for a new string of cuss words. The modern day tongue seems to have many at the ready, and the pair are always surprised to hear the variations you spew at them. Although, when they open the window this time, they’re shocked to find you sitting criss-cross, in the middle of the floor, sobbing heavily. Your hands cover your face, and you seem to neglect to notice their presence. Nora’s heart breaks. In the moment, you remind her of Alice in Wonderland in her sea of tears. She recalls reading that book over a century ago and relating to lost little Alice. Now, she’s transported back in time as she looks at you.

“Y/N?” She asks cautiously. You look up, glance at her, but then dart your eyes back to the ground. “Are you okay?” 

“How is life supposed to get better? How do I live after all this tragedy? Where do I go from here?”

“That’s something we’d like to help you find out, if you’d let us.”

“That’s why we turned you,” Mary adds, “so that you could find it, and have friends along the way. We want to help you.”

You raise your head back up to them. “I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough for it.”

“You are perfectly capable of living a life you can be proud of. You just need a little push to get there.”

“And how am I supposed to get there, living in here? In this cellar?”

“This is only temporary. This is for your safety, until you find it in yourself to want to live. ‘Til the desire to hurt yourself is gone, okay?”

“We have another bag for you,” Mary says, tossing it to you.

You drink it unquestioningly, and they prepare for the shouting. This time, however, it never comes. You only nod to the girls, then lie on your back and continue to cry. 

<•>

A month after your transition, you finally settle. Most of the anger and tears have subsided, and the boundary and silencing spells hold without wavering. Nora and Mary Louise want nothing more than to tell you their full story, and they think you’re finally ready to hear it. 

For the first time ever, you smile at them. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Nora says calmly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I want to die,” you blurt out, but then sigh. “But okay. A bit numb.”

“You haven’t turned off your humanity, have you?” Mary jokes lightly.

“And be even more bored out of my skull? No.”

“Good. Bag?” 

You shrug. 

“Can we come in?”

Your eyes narrow at Nora’s request. The question is new to you. Usually, they stay beyond the cellar door. The last time they had come in with you, she force fed you her blood. But despite that memory, you don’t feel threatened by the girls anymore. They give you a strange sense of peace, like you could trust them, for reasons you don’t understand. “Sure,” you reply. 

They join you on the ground, the three of you all sitting criss-crossed. Mary hands you the bag, which you accept and drink quietly. 

“Y/N…” Nora starts, “we know you have a lot of questions. And while we didn’t want to give you any responses before, we think you’re ready to hear some answers now.”

You pause sipping your bag. “Really?”

“Well the hard part of your transition is over,” Mary says, “we’d really like you to trust us, and we’d like to have trust in you, too, so that we can let you out. But in order for that to happen, we have to know you’ll be safe in the world. No pointy objects, no wood.”

You turn to Nora. “Is that one of the questions you’ll answer? The real reason you want me alive?”

“It is.”

You nod. “I’m listening. And I promise, I’m okay right now. I’m not going to hurt you, or myself, unless I have reason. Truth be told, I don’t really have the mental strength for it.”

Nora nods, too, then, “why?”

“What?”

“Why is it that you don’t have the strength? What’s plaguing you? Why did you attempt to take your own life?”

“I…” your eyes already start to water again, “I can’t live without him. I don’t want to live without him.”

“And who is him?”

“I- I can’t say.”

“Can’t say because you fear our judgment, or can’t say his name out loud?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Might I say it, then?”

“I guess. If you know…”

“Y/N… we know it’s Kai. And we know because his… passing affects us, too.” Hearing his name out loud shatters your heart, but Nora saying she knew him catches your attention. You tilt your head at her. “The reason we were able to siphon you earlier is because we’re like him. We’re heretics.” You straighten. “We were trapped in the 1903 prison world. Kai fed us and let us out. We owe our survival to him.”

“He became a brother to us,” Mary adds, “was a brother to us. We’re all of the same family, with the same rejected gene, although a century apart. Besides each other, we’ve never had anyone understand us, and aside from Lily, no one’s ever cared to listen.”

“But how do you know me? You know,” your voice wavers, his name coming off your tongue weakly, “Kai. How do you know me?”

“Because, silly, he loved you,” Nora rolls her eyes gently, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Mary nods. “Once he knew we were trustworthy, he talked to us nonstop. Some of it was about the modern world or his own past, but he mostly talked about you. He had the strangest device, a phone, he called it, and would look at pictures of you until it died, and after that, he had one in his wallet.”

“And he’d tell stories. How kind you always were, how he came to trust you, and how you had started a relationship together.”

“The longer he spent there, the more worked up he was getting. He told us about 1994 and what had happened, and that he’d spent eighteen years in another prison world, just to end up in a colder, darker one. I think that’s where the wedding went wrong.”

You agree. “He told me his biggest fear was getting sent to one of those again. Being alone.”

“Not only being alone, but being without you,” Nora says. “We were there, but he still needed you.”

“And although we kept him company, it wasn’t the same.”

“Valerie didn’t help much,” Nora mutters.

“Valerie… the other one? Upstairs?”

“She didn’t approve of his crime to get locked in 1994. She seemed to have forgotten her own childhood, judging his like that. We all grew up similarly. Told we were abominations and cast away.”

You’re about to make a comment on that, but Mary beats you to speaking first,

“You didn’t flinch when I siphoned you.”

“Yeah, um,” you smile, a memory surfacing, “I used to let Kai siphon whenever he wanted.”

“It didn’t hurt?”

“I liked it.” You shrug. “Hurt a little, sometimes. Like a burn, but… I liked the feeling.”

“You say ‘whenever he wanted,’ so like, not only for spells?”

“Sometimes he just wanted to feel magic in his blood. I didn’t use my magic a lot, and knew he had been deprived of it, so regardless if he was performing a spell or not, yes, I’d let him siphon.”

“So…” Nora starts, “you said you didn’t use your magic a lot?”

“Not really.”

“So you won’t be too upset at losing it now that you’re a vampire?”

You give her a playful glare. “I’ll miss it, but I can live without it.” Her face lights up at your choice of words. “What?”

“‘You can live without it’. That’s exactly what I want to hear from you; that you know you can live, despite the tragedy, just like you said you fear.”

“Nora-”

“Sh, sh, sh, let me relish this moment.” Mary giggles at her girlfriend. “You want to fight the war inside your mind. You want to live.”

“I wanted to live with Kai,” you remind. “Alone…”

“You won’t be alone. We know what it’s like to be lonely. We won’t let you feel that way.”

“I just… it’s going to take some time for me to heal. I can’t promise it’ll be easy.”

“We’ve got your back, Y/N. Kai would have wanted you to live. We want that for you, too.”

You nod, still a bit unsure, but now aware that these girls aren’t going to let you out of their sight, so you might as well comply. “Can I stay here, then?”

“In the cellar or upstairs?”

“I don’t know.”

Mary rolls her eyes playfully. “C’mon, we have a room ready for you.”

<•>

Adjusting to your new life is hard. Living without Kai is hard. Living with the heretics, though, is surprisingly easy. They’ve taken you in as one of their own, filling in the void that Kai left, and treating you like family. Valerie is a little weary around you, perhaps wondering how you could love the man that killed his entire family, but Nora and Mary Louise don’t ever let her get far. She, too, deep down, is grateful for the escape that your lover brought them; she doesn’t let her disapproval of his crimes cloud that too much.

Beau is more similar to Valerie than the girls. He’s older than them and Kai, and has never been one to seek revenge, as told to you by Valerie. While Kai had a penchant for violence, and Nora had a heart craving retribution, the other heretics were much more level-headed. They wanted to distance themselves from their family more so than to make them pay. And although Mary Louise was one of these, she strongly supported her girlfriend’s needs, understanding how their coven’s treatment could make them turn cold. 

Once awoken in 1903, Nora quickly admires Kai for his actions. Granted, he may have not gone about his revenge in the best way, but he refused to let his father win, and won himself. Nora wasn’t a twin, just a sibling in her particular line, but she had suffered as much isolation as Kai did. For him to break free from his father’s prison world, then complete the merge he was denied and become their leader, it didn’t take much convincing to get her involved in the break-free from 1903 plan. Mary, again, went along with her girlfriend. She was passive but had a similar childhood, and couldn’t help but see Kai as the brother she always wanted. She had one, but wasn’t allowed to speak to him, and so when Kai spoke nonstop to her, she felt adored by him. And it’s true, Kai loved them all like family, because they were. 

Despite knowing most of the heretics, you never meet Malcomb, who was killed by Damon while you were still transitioning. Nor have you met Oscar, who is out running vague errands for Lily. Though you remain in the boarding house with the four until tensions start to rise between Lily and her sons. 

Lily, rarely at the house, is nonetheless welcoming to you. She offers you a simple condolence when you thank her for giving Kai her blood. She says she wishes things turned out better, and regrets not being able to save his life. In a way, you tell her, she did, but that Damon took him away from both of you. All of you, rather, as Nora strokes your hair as you speak.

The warming party between Mystic Falls’ residents and the heretics is the day your new status as a vampire is revealed. The wistful shock in Damon’s eyes and the concerned delight in Bonnie’s is something you’ll never forget, although by this time, you’re too disheartened by either of them to address it. When Mary Louise whisks you away with a bottle of bourbon, you don’t fight. Enzo sends Bonnie a confused glance that you miss, but neither comment. 

<•>

A lot happens in a short time following that night. Jo’s twins are confirmed to be alive with Caroline carrying them, something about which you’re still unsure. Valerie had a rendezvous with Stefan a century ago, and Julian’s confirmed a monster when his atrocious response slips from between her lips. For a moment, Mary Louise is hesitant to trust her, and Nora finds solace with Bonnie, but you, now permanently bonded to the two youngest heretics, pull them back together. Oscar is lost along the way, caught by the Salvatores who had just put down their own mother. Four funerals are held in a mere couple of months: Kai, Malcomb, Oscar, and Lily. One month after that, a fifth is held for Beau. 

Caroline’s twins - well, Jo’s, ish - are born, with the help of the heretics. You watch from a distance, concerned way more for Caroline birthing two refusing siphons from her vampire womb, than for the twins themselves. In the end, only Beau is the one to not make it out. A previously estranged vampire hunter released from Alaric’s armory interrupts the introduction of life with a promise of death. Bonnie was the one to let her out, it’s revealed, so it’s only fair that she’s the one to get tangled in the mess and take her down. After that, Enzo and Damon are captured by sirens and made to perform the dirty work of the two ancient beings. Bonnie’s trapped in the middle of it, as is Caroline, and incidentally, as is everyone else in the town. Eventually, what’s left of the old Mystic Falls’ gang manages to rid themselves of the sirens, only to be faced with Cade, the Devil himself. 

Though most of these details are blurry to you. Parts of the story are missing, like holes in a blanket. You’ve kept up with the general plot, but lost a lot of the story’s structure along the way. 

That’s because seven years ago, right after the twins’ birth and Beau’s funeral, the heretics ran. Valerie escaped to Europe, and you, Nora, and Mary Louise headed south. You didn’t want to get mixed up in the turmoil, especially not with Rayna Cruz, then a vengeful Bonnie, on the loose, so the three of you disappeared with barely a trace. You’re still in contact with Caroline, and Valerie remembers to charge and connect her phone, she still talks to Nora and Mary Louise, but for the most part, you’re set far apart from your old life. 

And surprisingly, you’re happy. 

Life in the boarding house with the heretics was easy. Living with Nora and Mary Louise is even easier. You’ve taught them to adapt to the modern age, despite their unfamiliarity, but as it turns out, they blend in quite well. You have a thing for take-out; the girls love catching up on all the movies they’ve missed, so many nights are spent as movie nights, eating large amounts of take-out and binging movies all night. Of course, you also rotate cooking. Mary’s the worst. Nora’s the best. You’re in the middle, no talent of your own, for it’s Kai that taught you all you know about it. 

Speaking of Kai… over time, you’ve been able to talk more about him. You open up your relationship to the heretics, sharing stories you’ve never told anyone, telling them things that most might consider TMI, but by this point in your friendship, there’s no such thing as secrets. They love it. They love laughing at the funny parts, and crying over sadder ones. They share memories and tragedies from their own pasts, sometimes relating to Kai, but sometimes, also, relating to you. 

You share blankets on the couch and straws with drinks. You braid each other’s hair and rotate chores. You dance together in the kitchen, singing along to music both old and modern, with no neighbors to hear how undeniably loud you are. You’re happy. 

<•>

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from Caroline, but when you finally do, she sends you a cryptic message that immediately pulls you to your feet. 

Caroline: I need a favor. Call me when you get a chance. 

Your eyes narrow at the text. Rarely does Caroline text with such seriousness, especially with such a long period of not speaking. 

“What is it?” Nora asks, seeing tension on your face. 

“Caroline… asking for a favor.”

“You don’t have to go back to Mystic Falls, do you? It’s dangerous there,” Mary worries. Talk of the Devil filled the last phone call you’ve had with the other blonde. Specifically, Kelly Donovan returned for one more dramatic entrance, a bell was rung, and the Devil got out. A second protection spell was put around the house, just in case, after that news. 

“I’m not sure. One moment.” You dial her number, and only wait a second before she picks up. “Caroline?”

“Y/N? Hi.”

“Hi. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Kind of. I need you to come back to Mystic Falls as soon as possible.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“It’s… it’s about the twins.”

You shoot the girls an anxious glance as they overhear the call. 

“Is everything okay with them?”

Caroline hesitates. “How soon can you get here?”

“Caroline? Are they okay?”

“Y/N-”

“Overnight. I’ll be there by morning.”

“Okay. Come to the armory.”

You pack a quick bag and hug your friends, then leave immediately. 

“Be careful,” they wish you. “Let us know if you need help.”

“I will. I’ll be back shortly.”

<•>

You burst into the armory quite loudly, calling for Caroline. She races to your side a moment later, a finger over her lips. 

“What’s wrong? Where’s the twins?”

“The twins are fine. They’re-”

“What?! Caroline, what the fuck?! I drove all night. I-”

“Come with me. Please. And be quiet.”

Still worried, but now a little pissed, you follow her down the narrow, dark hallway to the cells. You’re about to ask more questions, but then you notice a person occupying one of the rooms. “Who-?”

She spins you around by the shoulders, forcing you to look at her. “Take him and go. Wherever you are with the heretics, bring him with you. I can’t let him hurt my girls, but if he’s with you, he’ll stay away from them.”

“Caroline, what-”

“Cade is looking for him, and Stefan and Damon want to send him back in exchange for Elena’s coffin, but I know how much he means to you and if I were in your shoes, I’d intervene, too. Hell, I’ve spent the last three days compelling Stefan’s victims that they’ve been seeing things. We’ve all done questionable things for the people we love, and so I’m telling you to do the same. Get him out of Mystic Falls, now.”

When you turn the corner, Kai Parker is on the other side of the glass. His hand is raised as he siphons the magic from the walls. 

“Caroline, will-” he pauses, noticing you. “Y/N?”

Your breath hitches in your throat. “Kai?” You turn to Caroline, searching for answers.

“He escaped when the Maxwell bell rang.”

“That bell rang days ago, you said. He’s been here ever since?”

“Damon told me you were dead,” Kai says. The glass begins to crack under his hand. 

“We don’t have time for this,” Caroline interrupts hurriedly, “Y/N, you need to go.” She waves in Kai’s direction. “Break the glass, make it look like you’ve escaped, and get out of here. Just don’t think about coming after my kids, or I’ll make you regret it.”

Kai sets his jaw, then shatters the glass. Caroline blocks the both of you from the shards, and in the next moment, you’re standing face to face with the man you’ve missed for years. 

“Hi, princess,” he greets.

You waste no time jumping into his arms, legs around his waist, burying your face in his neck. You cling to him tightly, wrapped in an embrace, until he sets you down gently. 

“Caroline,” you start, “thank you.”

She smiles sweetly. “I love you. Now, go!”

“I love you, too. I’ll call you when everything settles.”

“You better.”

You take Kai’s hand and drag him out of the armory. A series of turns leads you to a side exit; an emergency door, but with the sirens already blaring overhead, you’re not worried about it. 

“Y/N,” he pauses the moment you get outside. 

“My car’s over here, c’mon.” 

He doesn’t budge. “But-”

“Kai!”

“You’re a vampire,” he says, clearly confused. “What happened? When’d you turn?”

“What? You don’t think I could look this young seven years later?” You joke, tugging more.

“No! I didn’t mean that-”

“I…” your grip weakens with the look he gives you. “Can we please get in the car? Alaric’s going to notice you’re gone, and-”

“When? When did you turn?”

“After you died,” you confess, face falling to the ground. You can’t look at him; can’t stand to see the sadness on your face. 

“How? Did Damon-?”

“No, Damon didn’t do it. I… I couldn’t live without you. It was too hard. I didn’t want to. I tried… someone had other plans.”

“Princess…” his voice trails off as he realizes what you mean. Strong arms reach for yours to pull you into his chest. “You didn’t… oh. Oh my god.” He tilts your head up to face him, but you avoid his eyes. “Who turned you? Dam-”

“Again, not Damon. I, um, can we go? Ric’s gonna come any second, and-”

“Who turned you, Y/N?”

“Nora.” 

“Nora? From-”

“1903? Yeah. “

“Is she-? Are the heretics-?” Kai’s interrupted by shouting coming from the armory. You grab his hand once more and drag him to your car. He climbs in the passenger seat without question, and you speed out of Mystic Falls as fast as you can. 

Not until you’re fifteen minutes from the armory, do you finally answer the questions swarming his head. You lower your speed to follow the limit, then take a deep breath. 

“Nora,” he beats you to it. 

“I killed myself,” you confess, “attempted, I guess. She found me, fed me her blood right before I died. She and Mary Louise took me to the boarding house, where they had been staying.”

“Both of them?”

You nod. “I wasn’t an easy project. First I refused to transition, then I refused bags. She had to pin me to the wall to get me to drink; I still fought, and Mary had to siphon me to weaken me enough that Nora could complete the transition. After that, I’d scream and cuss at them for keeping me alive. Nora would give me this cold stare, and Mary would cry, but neither gave up on me. Then, I flipped a complete one-eighty and cried for weeks. Nora said I resembled Alice in Wonderland in her sea of tears.” You chuckle now, but Kai has a feeling you weren’t laughing then. He sure isn’t laughing at all as you retell the story. “But finally, after about a month, I settled. I realized I couldn’t die, and they wouldn’t let me die, and I had to figure out how to live, now, as a vampire. I let them give me bags without a fight, and with time, talked to them.” 

“Why did they save you, do you know?”

“That’s something I begged them to tell me for weeks, but they refused to say until I was ready to hear it. They loved you,” you say, stealing a glimpse at him, “like a hero, like a brother. They loved you, and heard so many stories in the prison world about how you loved me, and when Nora found me in the alley, she knew she had to save me because you would’ve wanted me to live. She did it for you. She didn’t want me - your girl - to die ‘young and heartbroken’.” You sniffle, tears forming. “She wanted me to learn to live a life I could be proud of, and she wanted to honor her admiration for you by keeping me here.”

It’s a lot for Kai to take in; he’s quiet for a few minutes. As he thinks, though, his hand creeps towards yours and takes a hold of it. He squeezes gently, then kisses your knuckles. 

“The heretics,” he says, “where are they now?”

“Val’s in Europe, traveling. She didn’t want to be near Mystic Falls; turns out she has history with Stefan. Damon and Bonnie killed Malcomb before I could meet him, and Damon and Stefan killed Oscar, also before I met him. Beau was killed by an ancient hunter, whilst protecting the twins after Caroline gave birth to them, and-”

“Mary Louise and Nora?”

“I live with them.”

“What?”

“We have a little house on the border. Just out of Virginia, but barely considered North Carolina. They’re still together; had some bumps in their relationship, but they’re happy now.”

“And you, are you happy?”

“It took me a long time, but I found happiness within myself and from them. So I would consider myself happy, I guess. As weird as it is to say.”

“And me… if I were to join you, would you still be happy, after all these years?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve learned to live without me. You’ve found your place in this world, and friends. You’ve built a life for yourself.”

Slowly, you pull over to give him your full attention. Kai watches carefully, curious at what you’ll say. “Not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed you. I think about you every day. I miss the feeling of holding your hand, and hugging you. Kissing you. Hell, I miss the feeling of you siphoning me. No matter how happy I’ve become, there’s always been a piece of me missing. I figured it would always be missing, but as I sit here and look at you, I realize it’s not anymore. I love you, Kai, and I want you in my life, with me. I always have. I’ve learned to live without you, yes, and I’ve found people and things within myself that contribute to my happiness, but I will never be as good as when I’m with you.”

“Y/N…”

“And if your next question is about Nora and Mary, just know that they adore you way more than you might ever know. Nora admires you, and to Mary, you’re the brother she never got to know. They saved my life because they were mourning you, and knew I was, too. We all saved each other, in a way, and we’re all brought together because of you.”

It takes another minute of focused staring to process your words. You follow his line of sight to the steering wheel, but the moment you catch his eye, he stutters a response. “I-I love you. I’ve missed you, too, every day, and the thought of you is what kept me strong when I was in Hell. I need you.”

“You have me.”

“I won’t be easy, either. I can’t promise I won’t have nightmares from all the shit that happened there, but I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”

“I’ll help you through them. It’ll be okay.”

“You sure you want me in your life?”

“I need you just as much as you say you need me. Don’t ever doubt that.”

He nods. “Take me home, then.” He smiles. “Wait, after a kiss first.” Kai moves towards you as you turn twice, once to the wheel, then back to him, and takes your face in his hands. He kisses you with a passion equally sweet and rough, fingers grazing your skin and tangling in your hair. Your own hands find his shoulders, pulling him closer. After a moment, he pulls back, needing to catch his breath after such a long time of not kissing you. “Good? You need any more convincing to keep me around?”

“Shut up,” you joke, lighting hitting his chest. “Convincing? No. But I am gonna need you to make up later for seven years apart.”

“Well that I can certainly do.”

<•>

Four hours later, you pull into the long driveway that is your home. It’s nestled peacefully in the woods, away from most people, yet not so much that anyone will assume it’s abandoned. It’s cute and dainty, with colored tulips in beds in the front, and a red wreath hanging on the door, all compliments of Mary Louise. A bowl of food and water rests on the porch, to which Kai makes a face, and you explain that Nora’s been feeding the stray cats. You, on the other hand, are responsible for the hammock on the wrap-around porch. It provides a perfect spot for reading, or, more often, a place to daydream what life would be like if Kai never left. 

Just like this, you’d think, but he’d be beside you, softly kissing your neck. 

You don’t knock before entering. However, Kai bumps into the doorway, and you let out a quiet giggle at his confused expression. 

“Nora?” You call into the home. “I need you to let somebody in.”

The door is open wide enough that Kai can see into the house, but he can’t see the stairs. Nora trots down the stairs a moment later, asking to whom you could be referring before she sees him for herself. 

“Just a friend Caroline wanted me to pick up. Kinda like a stray puppy, actually.”

Mary giggles, half-expecting an actual puppy. But then when Nora comes to the door and her heart begins to race, her girlfriend gets worried. “Nora?” She hurries to stand beside her. “Oh!”

“Kai?” Nora asks gently. It looks like him, but she can never be too sure. She looks to you for confirmation.

You nod. “It’s him.”

“Hi,” he greets, signature smile confirming his own identity. 

“Kai,” she says, tone full of relief. She rushes into his arms for a hug he didn’t expect. Nevertheless, he hugs her back just as tightly as she holds him. “Come in,” she invites as soon as letting him go.

Mary gawks as he crosses the threshold. “Can I-?”

He opens his arms again for her to hug him, and the two share their own embrace. 

“What happened?” Nora starts, “how’d you-? Where-?”

“As I told Damon, then Caroline told Y/N, I jumped out when the Maxwell bell was rung. Damon tried to keep me hidden from Y/N, but Caroline had other plans. She let Y/N take me as long as I didn’t hurt the twins, to which I’m happy to let those little Gemini gremlins go if it means being with her.”

“And Cade?”

“Caroline called on the way; Cade’s dead. And Kai ate on the way, so he’s feeling better.”

“Earlier I felt like I could still be slipping back into Hell, but Cade’s grip on me weakened, and her blood gave me strength, so I won and got my footing back on Earth. I am officially a live-dead man once again.”

Mary chuckles, but Nora’s attention catches on a word. “Her?” You glance at the ground, a blush rising to your cheeks. Nora smiles. “Not twelve hours, and the lovebirds are sharing blood.”

“Match made in Heaven,” Mary laughs more.

“Completely inseparable,” Nora agrees. “Well, Kai, I hope you’ve made plans to stay, because now that you’re back, we’re never letting you out of our sight again.”

“You want me to stay?”

Nora had turned, but now she whips back around to face him. “What? Of course. Did you and Y/N-”

“We talked in the car! I thought you were okay with staying.”

“But Nora’s the owner of the house, I have to ask her, too!”

“Of course you’re staying, dork!” She’d learned that word the last couple years and always said it fits Kai; now she gets to use it on him. “Now pull up a chair. I know you’re the cook around here, but I made dinner, and it’s pretty good!”

The four of you take to the table where Nora pours bowls of soup. You settle around the chairs like a family separated for too long, but finally joined back together, never to be apart again, and it’s good. Your hands connected with Kai’s underneath the table, and he squeezes. Across from you, the girls’ own hands are held in each other’s. The joy and laughter around the table is something you want to be a part of forever. 

[historian-in-pearls]

This has been one of the most difficult days of my life. I feel hollowed out and cracked in two. I've been clinging on to hope since I was thirteen years old that things would be okay eventually, that someday I'd be happy I didn't die. I don't think I have that hope anymore.

[authorafterhours]

If, after the Dragon was slain and Will jumped, you know Hannibal would have followed right after him.

This is what I picture, and the gifs were posted by the lovely @bishonenlover ^^

[darkosomatsuconfessions]

I keep thinking about Osomatsu disclosing the stuff that happened with Tougou to Ichimatsu and it initiating a dick measuring contest over who suffered more in life (both feeling worse for the other one in a rare moment of selfless brotherly care.)

Ichimatsu: oh god... now i feel kind of ashamed for trying to kill myself that one time :(

Osomatsu: you literally tried to kill yourself and that's worse??? you were so sad that you wanted to die?!?

Ichimatsu: you got molested

Osomatsu: and you tried to kill yourself???

They can't talk about emotional things like normal people.

.

[shusei-tokuda]

*he's just there on the floor, its all stained red*

[whityoungangstblog]

Or or or

Whit tried to uh- hang himself before and researched how to do it but still failed in the end.

I hc that :D

!!

[callsigns-haze]

There goes my will to live.

I'm done with this shit.

[tommykinard6]

DEATH IS AN OLD FRIEND

Tommy struggles with his own mind

TW: suicidal ideation (going back as far as childhood), suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, passive suicidal thoughts, depression, referenced murder of a parental figure

On Tuesday, Tommy resigns from the LAFD.

On Wednesday, an hour from being Thursday, he finds a lonely bridge and pitches himself off of it.

Not with the intent to kill himself, not yet anyway. He has to sort out his brain first, try to get a coherent thought out of the fog.

His old therapist would have a field day. The shrinks for the LAFD would bench him permanently faster than he could finish speaking.

Tommy’s always had these urges, ones he learned were almost more shameful than being gay. Almost. They came and went, unlike his attraction to men, but they were always quick to come back. He remembered being 6, listening to his dad scream at his mom, and wondering idly if the knife on the counter would kill him if it fell. What it would take to make it fall.

He was 15 and beaten by his father for being caught kissing his best friend and wondered if Thomas Kinard Sr. would kill him. He hoped he would. He didn’t and that was worse.

He was 7 again and knew how to lie to his school counselor about his bruises. He was 12 when he gave up hope of being saved, watching his mother die from a fall that only he knew wasn’t accidental and wishing he was going with her. He was 18 when he joined the army, lying too easily about his own mental health. He’d had many years to learn how to lie. To lie was to survive and at some point, he’d become determined that Thomas Kinard wouldn’t kill him too.

He lied and lied and lied. Sometimes he fooled himself, thinking those days of wishing for his own death were simply a haunting of his childhood. He threw himself into danger, but everyone thought he was simply brave. His old CO did start to look at him funny shortly before the crash that had taken him out of the army, but nothing had come of it.

The time under Gerrard wasn’t worth speaking about. Well, except that Tommy had known about the gas leak. He’d figured it out when his equipment malfunctioned and he’d started to feel woozy. And instead of calling for help, he’d sat down to wait, passing out long before the explosion.

But Howie, Howie had saved him. Not only that, Howie still wanted to befriend him. Then Sal transferred in and he was a total asshole, but he still made Tommy feel safe in a way he hadn’t felt before.

That voice in the back of his mind became easier to ignore then. Hen arrived too and inexplicably was friendly with him even when he was too afraid to be singled out. He wondered if she guessed. Regardless, after Gerrard’s displacement and his own apologies, she’d seemed almost fond of him. He had friends, even just at work, and they helped quiet his mind.

Before leaving the 118, he visited a few bridges. The urges were getting stronger. He knew where the jump would kill him and where it would just leave him bruised.

But Tommy was a coward, and an optimist. At least, he told himself that. A position had just opened at Harbor Station and he’d just gotten his recertification to fly again. Lying through his teeth, saying all the correct things on his psych, it was so natural he didn’t even know it was a lie. Times were changing. Hen was openly queer and so were an increasing number of first responders and patients that he met. So he left Harbor and…well, he didn’t necessarily come out, but he didn’t hide either.

Milton asked him if he was married at dinner one night and Tommy said that he hadn’t found the right man. The world didn’t explode, Tommy was still breathing, and Milton simply hummed in acknowledgement before the other pilots began swapping stories about meeting their significant others.

Tommy’s career had never been better. All he had to do was find the right guy and maybe, maybe, the urges would stop. They were less prominent now, more passive, but they were ever his constant companions.

He had a longer relationship with suicidal ideation than he’d ever had with a person, platonic or romantic.

He dated Adam, who cheated on him. He dated Tim, who was married and didn’t say so. He dated Alex, who wasn’t out and kissed women to keep up appearances. He dated Micah, a trans man who was one of his most solid relationships but who ultimately ended it because he needed to move back home to take care of his ailing mother. Todd, Ethan, Nick, James, all men that expected things out of him that he couldn’t give and used him for everything he had left.

Then he met Evan.

The urges weren’t completely gone, but they’d never been more quiet. He was riding on a dopamine rush every moment he was around Evan, who was what you would get if you slapped together literal sunshine and a golden retriever.

6 months. Not his longest relationship, but completely his happiest.

Tommy wished he could explain that night. He wished he could explain to Evan how when he spoke of a future, all Tommy could think was that he shouldn’t even be alive. How did he get a happy ending, with actions he couldn’t ever fully atone for and demons that told him he was fundamentally broken. Every word Evan said sounded like it was about a different person.

He realized in retrospect that it was the anniversary of his mom’s death. That would explain the weirdness he felt all day leading up to him arriving at Evan’s. Maybe if he’d realized that, realized that the anniversary always put him in a bad place and bad places meant self sabotage and self loathing, he would’ve done something different. What, he didn’t know.

But he walked out of the apartment and didn’t allow himself to go back.

Less than 3 weeks later, he resigned from the LAFD. He wanted to leave with honors and distinction, not be discharged if it went wrong or have his memory marred when he didn’t show up to shift.

That’s how he winds up on the bridge.

His mind is a jumbled mess. There’s pain and desperation in there somewhere, underneath the odd passiveness he feels. But he stands on the bridge and thinks to himself that the only way forward is death. It comes to him as easily as noticing the weather or that it’s too late for cars to be driving on the bridge.

He doesn’t know if he wants to die. Somehow, he just knows it’s the next step.

So he jumps from the non-lethal point of the bridge. He’ll be soaked and bruised, but maybe doing the action his mind tells him to do without the consequences will trigger his brain into telling him what he actually wants. Whether that’s death or life, he doesn’t want to end everything on a passing thought.

He’s never felt so indecisive about dying yet so prompted to try at the same time.

He hits the water and feels nothing.

He doesn’t want to make his own decision. He wants Gerrard, the closest approximation of his father, to hold his hand and shove him off the bridge. He wants Evan to wrap his arms around him and hold him back. He wants someone to tell him that he won’t have to deal with this anymore.

He wants just one guaranteed moment without the thought of death.

He hauls himself up to the bridge, up a steep embankment, and grabs his phone that he left up there. His finger hovers over Evan’s contact, over the call button. Then Tommy locks his phone and looks out over the water.

He leaves, in an hour or so. Death is an old friend and constant companion, but he can’t sort out in his own mind whether it’s actually the way forward.

Maybe this is where other people in his situation call 9-1-1, looking for someone to talk them out of it. However, Tommy is starting to feel that he would need talking into it as much as he needs talking out of it and that thought is what enables his feet to move, taking him off the bridge and to his truck.

He doesn’t drive away until late Thursday morning, when the urge to pee finally breaks through the fog in his mind and he hasn’t yet taken himself up the bridge again.

When he gets to his house, cold and lonely but still his, he grabs his phone and goes to text Evan.

I tried to kill myself

Then he backspaces. That isn’t a fair text to send after 2 and a half weeks. Besides, it’s inaccurate. If he’d truly tried, he would have succeeded. He can’t put any of this on Evan. He has no right.

Instead, he texts Eddie.

***

“So Tommy,” Frank begins, once they are settled into his office. Tommy’s leg is bouncing and he can’t quite settle it. Eddie had sworn that Frank was amazing, even if it sounded like he himself had been reluctant to listen at times. “What brings you here today?”

Tommy can’t speak for a moment, struck by the enormity of the question and of his answer. This is it. He’ll never fly again. But he’d known that. That’s why he quit. All of this couldn’t be for nothing and there is no bridge nearby.

“I don’t know if I want to die.”

[fake-married-my-dead-fiance]

"I kept taking them, but the pain didn't go away."

Screaming, crying, throwing up

[nicohischierz]

please come back: brandt clarke

warning: talks of hospitals, neglects of the body (please don’t underestimate the needs of your body)

tw: mentions of attempts

that night you stayed with brandt. your boyfriend held onto you as you cried and cried over your brothers. both of you had tried contacting jack but he had blocked both of you on all social media and he had blocked your number as well.

your mother had sent you a message asking how you were and informed you that she had spoken to jack about his behaviour and wondered if he had apologised.

obviously, you couldn't lie to your mother, so you told her that he had blocked you and blew up on trevor and alex. the whole time back to the hotel brennan apologised for essentially outing the two of you but it wasn't his fault and you reassured him of that.

you had called trevor and alex to apologise for your brother's actions. the two boys told you he was an ass for not seeing that you are happy with brandt and that they will be waiting for you with open arms.

after your night of self-pity, you decided maybe it was for the best. you tried convincing yourself to block jack as well but you just couldn't bring yourself to do it. you knew you would always need your big brother.

brandt kept a close eye on you as he watched you interact with his teammates and family. you had been added to the team canada group chat and dubbed team mom.

your fight with your brothers was forgotten the second dylan guenther scored the game-winning goal for canada to win gold back-to-back.

the boys cheered for each other and ran around with the trophy. you took many pictures of your boys and even gave your phone to brandt to take pictures on the ice.

the celebrations were amazing and everyone was ecstatic. you and brandt thought you would be getting on a flight together to go to la but a call from his agent told him he'd been sent down to the ohl.

your goodbye was bittersweet. your boyfriend left with the promise to facetime you every day and that you would meet once the season was over. you gave your boyfriend a long, meaningful kiss before boarding your flight.

when alex and trevor picked you up, they held you tightly between them as you recounted everything that happened between you and jack and how brandt had been sent down.

"why am i not allowed to be happy?" you asked them.

at that, their hearts broke for you. they watched as you became a shell of the person you once were. they watched as quinn and luke would call you but your answers would be short and you'd never fully tell them how you felt.

during the absence of your boyfriend, you focused entirely on your schoolwork. you rarely met up with trevor and jamie or even alex and quinton.

of course, you still spoke to brandt every day when possible and you made an elaborate plan to meet once school was over. your boyfriend could tell there was a difference in your demeanour and he had asked quinton and alex to tell him if something were to happen.

as you were off social media you didn't notice that jack had unblocked you. his parents and brothers had ripped into how he treated you and gave in. however, his words about you staying away from him killed him inside.

you never texted him when the devils clinched or when he broke the record. but he watched as you posted luke's debut and pictures of you at the frozen four.

what hurt jack the most was when he watched luke tear up as you told him you wouldn't be coming to his playoff games.

luke, jack and quinn were all sitting in jack's apartment watching golf when luke's phone rang. the younger boy was on his way to ignore the call when he saw your name pop up.

"hey y/n/n, what's up?" he answered looking over at his brothers. however, it wasn't you that called. it was your boyfriend. in the background luke could hear trevor, alex and a voice he couldn't really make out panicking.

that set off warning bells in luke's mind. he sat up and put his phone on speaker from jack and quinn to hear. "I planned a surprise trip with turcs and q to visit y/n because I hadn't been able to see her but luke it's bad," brandt rambled.

all three brothers looked at each other in worry "what's bad?" luke asked. "she's not waking up luke, we can hear her breathing but it's not strong and we've called an ambulance but no one knows what happened,"

brandt had checked your body for any physical indications as to what would've caused you to be in the state that you were. there was no pill bottle anywhere in your apartment and no physical scars showing any indication of the thought that occupied all the boy's minds.

"i need you to stay on the phone until she gets to the hospital," quinn demanded as he took the phone out of luke's hands. jack was trying to get his parents on the phone but the two of them were occupied.

"the ambulance just pulled up brandt, we need to pack a bag for her. alex will ride with her in the ambulance and we'll meet him there with jimmy," trevor assured the younger boy.

the boys in la rushed around your apartment putting together clothes and items they thought you might need. brandt had told trevor that the hughes brothers were on call and in turn, trevor informed them that ellen and jim knew.

as brandt looked around your room for things to take he found a framed photo of you and your brothers at quinn's draft. you were standing next to your older brother, smiling proudly at him. the photos next to it were the ones that made him crumble to the floor. one was of the two of you at world juniors with his gold medal around his neck and his hat on your head. the other picture was of you and him after his rookie lap, his glove against the glass as you held up the puck he tossed you.

trevor found him kneeling on the floor with the two pictures in his arms. brandt's phone was discarded on the bed as trevor went to try and comfort the boy. "I can't lose her trevor. she has become everything to me and the thought of losing her makes me sick to my stomach," brandt sobbed.

once trevor, brandt and jamie had met alex at the hospital, quinn had informed the boys that the whole family had bought tickets on the first available flight out.

jack couldn't help but feel like it was his fault you were in this state. because if it weren't for him blowing up at you during world juniors, you would be with the family in new jersey instead of a hospital attached to an iv.

trevor and jamie were in the waiting room as they greeted the hughes family. jack glanced into your hospital room and watched as brandt held your hand.

you had woken up the morning after being admitted. the doctors had blamed it on malnutrition and dehydration. when you saw your boyfriend and the boys you saw as your brothers looking at you in worry, you broke down.

you explained to them that you never meant to give up on looking after yourselves. that you'd been so caught up with school that you felt overwhelmed and couldn't cope.

brandt hadn't left your side since then. he clutched onto your hand and cried when you spoke about your troubles. "I'm not going to leave your side again. i swear to you babe,"

the only time brandt left your side was when your family came in to talk to you. luke held your hand as ellen babied over you. jim had gone to talk to the doctors about when you can be discharged as quinn drove trevor and jamie home.

jack sat in a chair in the corner of your room and watched over you as you slept. the rest of the group had either gone to change their clothes or grab something to eat.

brandt was still by your bedside. your boyfriend had been sending texts to all of your mutuals who had heard what happened. but when he was done he just admired the fact that you were alright now.

"you really care for her," jack stated.

brandt gave your brother a small smile before nodding. "when I saw her lying on the floor I just prayed that she was alright. i don't know what I would do without her,"

"look jack, i know she's your only sister and as her brother you have to protect her but no offence, you've been a bit of a shit brother. y/n told me how you didn't want her to come out to la or how you asked your friends to basically spy on her," brandt turned to face jack fully.

jack looked down at the floor. he knew brandt was right and maybe that was what set you away from him. "she's my little sister and I need to protect her and by doing that I sent her to the hospital," jack murmured.

your older brother had tears in his eyes as he approached you. "I'm the reason she's here brandt. if i didn't blow up at you guys then maybe she would be here making jokes with us," brandt brought jack in for a hug.

it was an unusual sight. but ellen was sure to capture the moment as her, luke and jim approached your room. brandt and jack gave each other a nod that meant they understood each other.

"jacky," you croaked waking up from your nap. your brother was by your side in a second as he held your hand "I'm so sorry y/n/n. I've been so overbearing but I just want to look out for you,"

"i love you y/n and that boy you have, he's the best person for you," jack spoke as tears welled in his eyes. his little sister was growing up and he knew he had to let her go.

[kusuokisser]

tw suicidal thoughts/actions -> saiki angst fic promo

imagine that kusuke once noticed how kusuo was showing the warning signs of a major depressive episode and saw an opportunity to get the ultimate victory over kusuo; to get him to willingly die first.

kusuo could have managed through the episode if it weren't for kusuke. the option of suicide that kusuke presented him with acted as a ball and chain clamped to kusuos mind, dragging him down deeper into the spiral of emotions that were flooding through him.

kusuo sees it as a challenge almost, but he sees it as a challenge he's going to lose. a challenge he wants to lose, i mean, having his powers has made his life a living hell hasn't it? maybe kusuke was kind in offering him a way out right? a way to end his torment.

if you thought this was a banger you should read my fic, this is literally the premise lol :P its 100% finished for bingeabiliy purposes but towards the middle you can tell i got bored and wanted to skip towards the end so excuse its obvious rushed-ness.