#tw: sui attempt Tumblr posts

[buddiebeginz]

If you're making anti Ryan Guzman posts right after the man just talked about a su*cide attempt kindly block me. No one is saying you have to be a fan of his or even forgive him for past mistakes but maybe have an ounce of tact and keep your opinions to yourself for 5 minutes or at least keep them out of his tag.

[nightv4mps]

hello, I wanted to ask if you accepted the request, if not please ignore but if so please write an article about Chuuya catching a reader committing suicide;;; If you find this offensive then you can of course ignore it, but I would appreciate it if you did <3 btw I want you to do about male!reader or maybe a general pronoun;;

don’t… please.

- chuuya catches his s/o committing suicide

a/n: if you or someone you know is going through a hard time, reach out to someone you can trust, never wait until it’s too late.

contents: hurt & comfort + dark content - gn! reader // mentions of death / suicide attempt / degrading words towards the reader (not from chuuya!!) / chuuya calls the reader an idiot / curse words used / not proofread!!!

you don’t even know how you got here… what happened? you can’t help but let out a forced chuckle at the thought. an ordinary person would look at your life and think you were living the dream, but here you are, standing on the edge of a roof, watching the sunset, debating if you should really do this… what would happen after you did it? would anything change? would anyone care? …would anyone remember you?

all these questions running through your head, the only one that sticks is, what would chuuya do? he’s the only person that stuck through with you when you were battling depression, he was the one that actually gave you hope, yet here you are, going back on your word, hurting him in the process, how selfish of you.

you sighed and looked back the the sunset, watching the pink blend with orange, how pretty… you closed your eyes and smiled, it would all be over soon. you open your eyes and look downwards, you saw people walking along the streets of yokohama, it was all so peaceful, yet so sad…

you closed your eyes once more, the only thing lingering on your mind was… him. chuuya. you smile, tears falling from your eyes as memories of the two of you flash through your head.

you finally get the courage and begin to walk off the edge of the roof, waiting for the wind to blow through your hair as you fall, only for that sensation to never happen, all you can feel is a hand grabbing your wrist, pulling you up

you open your eyes and see chuuya , using his ability to help him lift you up to safety, you finally hit the ground of the roof, seeing chuuya staring at you like you grew another head, “what the fuck were you doing?! what is wrong with you? do you have any idea what would happen if i wasn’t here?”

you gulp, backing away from chuuya’s harsh voice, you hear a sigh and feel arms wrap around you, chuuya cradles you head with one of his hands, the other wrapped around your waist, “you idiot… what would i do without you…?”

chuuya grip on you tightens, and you feel his tears soak through your shirt, “please.. don’t. don’t do that again,” chuuya lifts his head from your shoulder, a serious expression on his face, “please. come to me next time, don’t, ever, do anything like that again…”

© 2023 nightv4mps.

[tommykinard6]

TW: past suicide (not main character), past attempted suicide, suicidal ideation, mental health crisis.

The water was dark and choppy below his feet, dangling over the river from where Eddie sat on the bridge.

It was one of those bridges with a good footpath, but tended to be deserted at night so a car only passed Eddie every once in a while. None slowed, not seeing his shadowy figure leaning against one of the pillars. His car was pulled onto the shoulder just off of the bridge and he’d been there just long enough to wish he’d brought a jacket, but not long enough to convince himself to leave.

What was he going home to? An empty house? To a life that no longer felt worth-

No. He shook his head to disperse the thoughts, but he didn’t get up, kicking his feet as he looked at the water far beneath him.

He barely heard the footsteps before someone sat beside him. He turned, ready to say any excuse or to run in case the person was weird, but any words he had died on his tongue when he saw Tommy Kinard sitting beside him. The older man was watching him with a carefully blank face, but his eyes were worried.

Eddie waited for the other man to speak first and an awkward amount of time passed before he realized it was on him. “What are you doing here?”

He then kicked himself. He could’ve struck up a friendly conversation, said anything else to get that worried look out of Tommy’s eyes, but he didn’t and the look only grew deeper.

“Passing by, saw your car. Could ask you the same thing, Eddie. Perilous place to stargaze.”

“I’m fine.” And maybe it was something in his tone or maybe Tommy was never going to be fooled anyway, but his answer only made the worry lines in his friend’s face deeper. “Really. I’m just clearing my thoughts.”

Tommy hummed and looked down at the choppy water below just as a gust of wind washed over them. Eddie shivered. “There’s a nice park across the bridge. That’s a pretty good place to think. Been there a few times myself. Less dangerous than here. Less cold.”

“It’s not too bad.” Eddie was, in fact, freezing, but he could barely feel it. He felt a flicker of irritation that Tommy was still there. He just wanted to be left alone. “Seriously man, I’m good. You on your way to Buck’s?”

Tommy hummed an affirmation. “Yeah, but I’m in no rush. Might sit here for a minute, if you don’t mind. Pay my respects.”

Eddie couldn’t help the curiosity, even over the growing irritation that he tried not to examine too closely. “Your respects?”

“Mhm. Lost someone here about seven years ago.”

“A call?”

“Nah. Someone more personal.”

“I’m sorry.” The irritation died down as he took in Tommy’s distant look.

“He was a bastard, but he deserved better.” Tommy turned to look at Eddie and the younger man felt a little too seen under sharp blue eyes. “Wouldn’t think it, but it’s not an uncommon place to pitch yourself off of. We attended more than a few calls here, back when I was at the 118.”

The irritation flickered back to life and Eddie swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Yeah. We got a call like that last week.”

“Did they survive?”

“No. DOA.”

Tommy hummed softly. “Sorry, man. Those are rough.” He nudged Eddie’s shoulder. “Probably should head back, man. You don’t want to fall in.”

“Seriously, I’m good, man. Thanks. I’m just going to hang out here.”

To his annoyance, Tommy didn’t move. Eddie stared out over the water, shoulders tense as he waited for the other man to either leave or say something. He finally did, voice tentative as he asked, “You doing ok, Eds?”

The irritation snapped into something bigger. “I’d do a lot better alone, Tommy. No offense man, but I really don’t want company right now.” He dared to look over at the pilot and the man’s blank face made him snap, “Seriously, man, you’re acting like I’m going to throw myself off!”

“I did.”

It took a moment to register in Eddie’s brain, but when it did, the irritation flickered out like an extinguished candle. “What?”

“Rather, I tried.” Tommy’s face was stony and he wasn’t looking at Eddie, eyes turned towards the water. “The guy I lost here seven years ago was me, Eddie. Or rather, the man I used to be. And I tried to throw the rest of me in with him. This very spot. It’s the deepest. I jumped from where you’re sitting now.”

Eddie was lost for words, jolted out of his own head for the first time in a while. “But you’re alive.”

“I never hit the water.” Tommy looked down, fiddling with his hoodie string. “Someone caught me as I stepped off, dragged me back onto the bridge no matter how much I screamed for him to let me go.”

Eddie tried to wrap his brain around it, the little pieces of a picture he had no idea existed with the man sitting next to him. “Why?” His voice sounded wrecked.

“I thought my life was over. I thought everything I’d worked for, everything that I’d fought for, was gone. I’d faked being someone I wasn’t until I was and that person was someone I despised but I thought I was protecting myself until that night. I thought I’d given up everything and it was all for nothing. I was going to be ostracized from the only family I had. So I came here to end it all.”

His voice was matter of fact, but quivered slightly towards the end. Eddie floundered for a moment, feeling like he’d been pushed off of the bridge into the cold waters below. “But you were saved?”

“By the person I thought was going to end my life. By one of the people I thought I was dying to avoid. He’d followed me here, knew what I was going to do. He…” Tommy paused, swallowing harshly. “He hated who I was. He wanted me to hide who I was. But he didn’t want me dead. So he pulled me off of this bridge and took me home and didn’t allow me out of his sight until he knew I wasn’t a danger to myself anymore. And then he left my life. He hated who I was too much to stay, but he didn’t hate me enough to let me die.”

There was a lot to unpack there. And if Eddie was a good friend, he would ask more questions, listen to Tommy. But he didn’t think he could be a good friend to anyone right now, including himself. “You think I’m here to jump?”

“You have the same look in your eye that I had in those days leading up to me stepping off of this spot. I don’t know if you’re here to jump Eddie, but I don’t think you’re going to catch yourself either. Like hell am I going to leave you here. So please, Eddie, let me take you off of this bridge, alright? Because I’m not leaving until you do.”

Eddie looked down, lump in his throat as he watched the waves. “But…”

“Trust me, man. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Because it’s temporary. Chris is coming back and you guys will sort it out. You have a family that loves you and friends that want you. And you have a hell of a lot to live for. So you’re going to come back with me to Evan and you’re going to stay with us. Tomorrow we’re going to call your therapist.” There was a pause. “You have a therapist, right? Cause if not, we’re getting you one.”

Eddie nodded slowly. “Frank.”

And he shouldn’t expect Tommy to know who Frank was, but the man nodded immediately. “LAFD Frank? Good man. We’re calling him.”

Eddie turned to look at Tommy, shivering slightly as he felt the next gust of wind. “But you and Buck-“

“Don’t even think about it. Evan wants you there too.”

“You haven’t told him though.”

“I don’t have to. Eddie, will you let me get you off this bridge?”

And every fiber in Eddie’s being screamed at him to say no, to pull away. But Tommy was there, gaze unwavering and determined. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Eddie wasn’t even sure he wanted him to anymore.

He was so confused. He was so tired.

“Ok.”

[so-long-soldier-writes]

Dog Days Are Over

kai parker x reader

summary: the post-wedding heartbreak never ceases. without him, life seems to lose its meaning. but despite your best efforts to depart and chase the void that seems to call to you, somehow you're held back. someone refuses to let you go.

tags: tw: su1c1de attempt & thoughts, blood, blood drinking, vampirism / transition, heretics / siphoning, emotional hurt / comfort, light angst, heartache, anger / mild violence, slow recovery, domesticity, friendships, found family, canon divergence, loosely follows plot of seasons 7 & 8

word count: 8.2k

a/n: I'm obsessed with found family x heretics, if you can't tell. I've had this idea for months and finally was able to execute it! (and by execute, i mean write the whole thing in 10 hours & edit for 2 days)

A subtle weight rests on your body; a heaviness in your chest makes it hard to breathe. You don’t fight it. In a couple of minutes, it won’t matter anyway. The wound in your stomach bleeds, soiling your bright blue shirt with a dark red tint. Your heart rate slows, and your eyes flutter. The world around you is getting darker by the second. The end is near, and you swear you can taste it. To whether it’s heaven or hell you are headed, you don’t mind. Or maybe, it’s nothingness. A void. Either way, anything is better than here. 

Your short gasps for breath begin to even out as your heart fails. Pumping no longer seems necessary, so the organ quits. It succumbs to the state that your brain has been in for weeks: numb. Cold. Dead. 

A glimpse of life flashes before your wilting eyes. A figure running towards you, putting their hands on your cheek. Your lover, maybe, greeting you for an eternity of peaceful nothingness together. Your lips part in the joy of seeing him. Blood trickles from your mouth; the wound finally shutting down your body. Your eyes close and you welcome the darkness. 

<•>

The next time you wake up, it’s still dark, and you automatically assume it’s the void that called you home. The Other Side collapsed over a year ago, but supernatural creatures have died since, and nobody ever knows where they go. Here, presumably. To the dark. 

After a moment, your eyes begin to adjust and you move to sit up on your knees. The ground beneath you is hard and cold, like cement. It is not at all welcoming or comforting, but maybe that’s how death is supposed to feel. You shrug, not caring yet. Soon, you won’t feel anymore. Soon, you’ll enter the void, or cross the Styx, or whatever is the last necessary step of dying. Soon, you’ll be free. 

You stand, then stumble. One minute, your mind and soul feel empty, but in the next, an insatiable hunger takes over your body. It knocks you back to your knees. A whine escapes your throat. Death should not feel this way. Death is supposed to be empty. Something’s wrong. 

“Hello?” You call into the void, not expecting an answer. 

Instead, you hear a far-off voice, talking not to you, but someone else. “She’s awake.”

Fear thumbs in your heart. You put a hand over it, only to realize after a couple seconds that it’s not beating. The hunger increases as the sound of footsteps approaches. This isn’t happening. You can’t be alive; shouldn’t be. You chose death. Wanted it. Sought it. 

But someone had other plans. 

<•>

“Hello?” A girl calls out, maybe to you. She waits, then pulls back a small window, letting a little light in your supposed void. “Where are you?”

“What do you want?” You ask, straining. Your voice comes out weaker than you like it to be.

“I brought you something.” 

“Nora, turn on the light,” another girl says.

“Would you like a light?”

No, you think. You’d like to be dead. But… you’d also like to identify your captors. “Okay.”

An overhead light comes on a moment later. You shut your eyes tight as it floods your senses, then open it once you start to adjust. 

“Too much?”

“Was there a lamp option?” You sass. 

“I could find a lamp,” the second girl suggests.

“We’ll find her one in a moment,” the first turns back to you, “can you see us alright?”

Finally, you can. Two girls peek through a window, one brunette and one blonde. They seem sweet, not like the high school mean girls’ type, but you’re still cautious. “I can see you.”

“Good. We have something for you.”

The smell of blood attacks your senses. Your hunger grows. 

You make two big strides to the pair, before realizing something. You weren’t a vampire before, so why should the smell of blood excite you now? You stop, shaking your head. “No.”

“You have to drink,” the blonde urges. You have to complete the transition, she doesn’t say, despite it on her mind. 

“No, I wanted to die. I tried to die.” You lock eyes with the brunette. “One of you turned me.”

“Y/N, you can’t die. You-”

“How do you know my name?! Who are you?!”

“That doesn’t matter right now, what matters is that you drink.”

“No!”

“Y/N, please!” She holds the bag further out to you. 

Your weak body begs for you to drink, but your mournful heart refuses. “No!” You shout again. “I’m not drinking your blood; I’m not transitioning!”

“You have to!” The blonde agrees with her friend. “You’re getting paler by the second.”

“Good. Then I’ll have lived and died a witch.”

“You’re too young to die, Y/N. You can’t give up. He wouldn’t want you to give up.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Please, drink, and then we can talk.”

“No. You can’t make me.”

“I can,” she argues.

“You won’t come in here with me. With me so close to transitioning. That would be suicide.”

“Well we can’t let you die, either.”

You stand off with the two girls. They seem to communicate telepathically between themselves. It’s quite frightening to not know what they’re thinking. You stare at them, wondering who they are and why they care that you live. 

“You’ll thank us later, Y/N, just drink.”

“I don’t want to live. If I wanted to, I wouldn’t have stabbed myself.”

“You won’t feel this heartbreak forever,” the blonde speaks, like a Hallmark card you didn’t ask to receive. You roll your eyes. 

“I think we have to,” the first girl says, hand undoing the bag.

“I agree.”

Before you can ask about their apparent plan, they’re opening the door and swarming to you. 

“Get out!” You cry. The blonde holds your left arm, while the brunette backs you up to the wall. “I don’t want it.”

“You’ll be grateful one day,” she sticks her promise to you again. 

“If it’s not today, there’s no point. I can’t take this anymore.”

“Take it from someone who spent a hundred years in solitary confinement, I know loneliness. It hurts. It’s worse than a knife to the stomach,” she references your attempt. It’s still apparent on your clothes. “But life isn’t all sad. Sometimes it can be beautiful.”

“I’ve seen it beautiful,” you argue, tears forming in your eyes, “I've seen it, yet I’ll never see it again.”

“You have to trust us. Trust yourself. You can be happy again.”

“No.”

“Yes, Y/N, come on. Drink the blood.” The brunette holds the bag to your face, pinning you against the wall.

“No.” In a last ditch effort, you raise your free arm and smack the bag out of her hand. It flies, then hits the stone wall across from you and splatters. Her eyes go wide, and when she looks back at you, a triumphant look shines in your eyes. 

“What did you do that for?!” The blonde shouts. “Waste a perfectly good bag!”

“It’s okay, Mary Louise, just means she’ll get a taste of the real stuff.” Before you can ask, the vampire before you is biting her wrist and shoving it between your lips. You fight, kicking and swinging, but the girls are much stronger. “Keep her still,” she nods to her friend, “just a little more.”

Your wrist starts to burn. You glance down for a second and see an orange glow emitting from the point of connection on your skin. “What-”

The brunette takes advantage of your parted lips and shoves her wrist further into your mouth. “Okay, stop,” she says, and the girl siphoning stops. 

Your body is weak, but your heart feels strong. It doesn’t beat, but the blood filling your stomach powers it. The siphoning, however, tolls on your body. The girls let go of you, watch you daze, then gently help your body to the floor. You’re out like a light, asleep. 

<•>

You’re much stronger the second time awake. Stronger, with a vengeance. First, you need to find out who those girls were, how they were able to siphon you, and why they wanted to keep you alive. Then, you need to find the nearest piece of wood and send your soul to the void like you had planned. 

You look around, searching for anything sharp and anything wooden. You realize now that you’re in a cellar with absolutely nothing that could be used as a weapon, and the only thing in there with you is another blood bag. Angrily, you kick it and it splatters. The smell reaches your nose and you curse yourself for wasting it, now hungry. On the bright side, the violent act seems to let your captors know you’re awake. They walk gingerly down the stairs only a moment later, then switch on a lamp before opening the window. 

“Y/N?” The brunette starts, tone cautious. 

Your reply is bitter. “What?”

“I’m sorry we had to hold you down. We didn’t want it to come to that.”

“But you had to drink. We couldn’t let you die.”

“What do you care? And who are you?” Then, “and why could you siphon me?”

“If we let you out, will you run?”

“We can’t let her out, Mary. I don’t trust she won’t hurt herself.” You scoff. She turns back to you. “I’m Nora, this is Mary Louise.”

“And? How do you know me?”

“Well, we don’t, but we recognized you from pictures.”

“Pictures? What pictures?”

The girls hesitate. A name rests on their tongues, but they don’t utter it. Unbeknownst to you, they fear saying it out loud will drive you mad. Names have power, and in this case, a lot of it. 

“Doesn’t matter right now,” the brunette, Nora, says instead. “What matters is that you get better.”

You laugh dryly. “I would’ve been better off dead.”

Mary Louise seems to get agitated at that. “Stop saying that! You have to live! He’d-”

“Mary, don’t say anything.” The girl quiets immediately. 

“Why do you care so much if I live? Who’s he? Where am I?”

“Technically, you’re in the Salvatore house. The basement. We’d give you a room if we could trust you, but it’s too great a risk that you’d hurt yourself still.”

“Why the boarding house? Where’s Damon? Stefan? Do they know I’m here?”

The girls share glances but confess nothing. “You’re safe here. We are not going to hurt you.”

“That’s what people often say before hurting said captive.”

“You’re at more risk by your own hand than ours,” Mary retorts. “You stabbed yourself in an alley behind a dumpster. You’re lucky Nora and I sensed the blood.”

“Luck is not the term I’d use. If you couldn’t tell, I did it on purpose.”

They sigh as if they knew it was on purpose, but for some reason they’re not telling you, they still felt the need to save you. 

You ask again, “why did you turn me? Why not just let me die?”

Nora hands you a new blood bag. “Drink this.”

Rolling your eyes more, you refuse. “No.”

“Drink, and we’ll give you answers.”

“C’mon, you’ve already transitioned,” Mary argues, “you might as well not dessicate.”

You know she’s right. Angrily, you snatch the bag and drink it down quickly. When you toss the bag back at Nora, she sighs. 

“You’re a friend of a friend of ours,” she says vaguely. “He would want you to live. He’d want you to live your life and die naturally, rather than die young and heartbroken.”

“That ���naturally’ part is no longer happening-”

“-which is not our fault,” Mary snaps, interrupting you.

“Mary,” the other calms, “patience. Yes, when you die, it will no longer be natural, but at least as a vampire, you have a shot at life again. In a sense, maybe, it’s a gift. You can leave if you want to leave. You can go where you want. You’re not bound by human laws or rules. You can be free.”

“I don’t want to be free. I don’t want anything if I can’t-” you stop yourself. “I didn’t ask for this.”

“I know. But someday, you’ll realize life is worth living, and you’ll be glad that you got a second chance. Take it from someone - both of us - who were given one.”

“Easy for you to say, you have each other. I have no one.”

“Maybe we can be someone for you, if you trust us.”

“Yeah, not likely.”

“Give it time, Y/N. We’ll bring you another bag later.”

As she shuts the window, you shout. “You didn’t even answer all my questions!” But they’re gone. The lamp remains on, but you’re left to your thoughts, alone. 

<•>

The same cycle repeats for days. Weeks, even. The longer the mystery girls keep you locked up, the angrier you get. They arrive, open the window, practically force you a bag, spew bullshit about how you’ll get better, then leave. Two, sometimes three times a day. No one else ever visits, although one time, they had a third girl - Valerie - join them. She didn’t talk much, but she sure did seem to study you. 

That day, after realizing there were more people in the house than just the two of them, you grow restless. Your mind is understimulated and bored. Your heart is broken and sore. You haven’t seen daylight in god knows how long. The next time Nora and Mary Louise come down, you’re ready to pick a fight. 

You drink the bag without complaints, then send it flying back through the barred window along with a string of shouts and cuss words. They’ve given you the bare minimum of information, despite promising an explanation, and saving you from death just to lock you in a cellar seems cruel and unfair. They want you to live, yet treat you like a wild animal. They swear they’re protecting you, but you can’t see them as anything but kidnappers. 

Nora remains calm throughout your rants, though Mary Louise looks on the verge of tears. It hurts, a little, to see her so upset, but if she could feel the agony you feel day-after-day, maybe she’d understand your pain. 

After every last word on your mind is spat out to the girls, Nora gives you a look that you hate. It reads that she sympathizes; she cares, in her own way, but she keeps you confined for your own good. You hate to admit it, but she’s right. If they had even given you a pillow, you’d find a way to hurt yourself. Even if you kill yourself daily just to be unconscious most of the time. Still, you scream at them. How you didn’t ask to live; how you were ready to die; how you can’t live without him, and he’s gone. You think Nora doesn’t understand, but she does. They both do. 

She doesn’t tell you she does until you settle. And when you do, she finally tells you all of it.

<•>

“Your silencing spells are weakening with her anger. She’s literally breaking them down, there’s so much pain in her screams,” Valerie tells the girls. “You better get her under control quickly, or Lily will have something to say about it.”

“She’s just facing the worst part of her transition. All the pain is hitting her at once, coupled with the fact that her lover is dead. Give her a break.”

“You shouldn’t have turned her at all, Nora.”

“Well I couldn’t very well let Kai’s girlfriend kill herself out of heartbreak. We owe it to him to save her.”

“Some people don’t want to be saved.”

“She doesn’t want to die,” Nora counters, “she just doesn’t want to live without him.”

“And now she’ll live forever without him.”

“I’m going to help her find happiness in this life. Even if he’s not here, she needs to know life is worth it to hold on and find something that makes you happy again.”

“A heartbroken vampire in love with a murdered sociopath can be a very dangerous thing.”

“So can a previously dessicated heretic still in love with her ex-lover from the eighteen hundreds,” Nora sasses. “She’ll be okay, she just needs time.”

“I bet Mary Louise won’t like you devoting so much time to a girl that’s not her.”

Mary enters the conversation from the kitchen. She leans against the doorframe, a small smirk on her lips. “Mary quite likes the girl, actually. She’s grateful to Kai for feeding us and busting us out of that god-awful prison world, and she knows how much Y/N meant to him. And, she likes seeing her girlfriend put so much effort into healing someone else’s broken heart.”

Valerie rolls her eyes, defeated. “Whatever. Just put up new silencing spells, because the neighbors will start to complain.”

<•> 

That afternoon, the girls visit you and prepare themselves for a new string of cuss words. The modern day tongue seems to have many at the ready, and the pair are always surprised to hear the variations you spew at them. Although, when they open the window this time, they’re shocked to find you sitting criss-cross, in the middle of the floor, sobbing heavily. Your hands cover your face, and you seem to neglect to notice their presence. Nora’s heart breaks. In the moment, you remind her of Alice in Wonderland in her sea of tears. She recalls reading that book over a century ago and relating to lost little Alice. Now, she’s transported back in time as she looks at you.

“Y/N?” She asks cautiously. You look up, glance at her, but then dart your eyes back to the ground. “Are you okay?” 

“How is life supposed to get better? How do I live after all this tragedy? Where do I go from here?”

“That’s something we’d like to help you find out, if you’d let us.”

“That’s why we turned you,” Mary adds, “so that you could find it, and have friends along the way. We want to help you.”

You raise your head back up to them. “I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough for it.”

“You are perfectly capable of living a life you can be proud of. You just need a little push to get there.”

“And how am I supposed to get there, living in here? In this cellar?”

“This is only temporary. This is for your safety, until you find it in yourself to want to live. ‘Til the desire to hurt yourself is gone, okay?”

“We have another bag for you,” Mary says, tossing it to you.

You drink it unquestioningly, and they prepare for the shouting. This time, however, it never comes. You only nod to the girls, then lie on your back and continue to cry. 

<•>

A month after your transition, you finally settle. Most of the anger and tears have subsided, and the boundary and silencing spells hold without wavering. Nora and Mary Louise want nothing more than to tell you their full story, and they think you’re finally ready to hear it. 

For the first time ever, you smile at them. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Nora says calmly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I want to die,” you blurt out, but then sigh. “But okay. A bit numb.”

“You haven’t turned off your humanity, have you?” Mary jokes lightly.

“And be even more bored out of my skull? No.”

“Good. Bag?” 

You shrug. 

“Can we come in?”

Your eyes narrow at Nora’s request. The question is new to you. Usually, they stay beyond the cellar door. The last time they had come in with you, she force fed you her blood. But despite that memory, you don’t feel threatened by the girls anymore. They give you a strange sense of peace, like you could trust them, for reasons you don’t understand. “Sure,” you reply. 

They join you on the ground, the three of you all sitting criss-crossed. Mary hands you the bag, which you accept and drink quietly. 

“Y/N…” Nora starts, “we know you have a lot of questions. And while we didn’t want to give you any responses before, we think you’re ready to hear some answers now.”

You pause sipping your bag. “Really?”

“Well the hard part of your transition is over,” Mary says, “we’d really like you to trust us, and we’d like to have trust in you, too, so that we can let you out. But in order for that to happen, we have to know you’ll be safe in the world. No pointy objects, no wood.”

You turn to Nora. “Is that one of the questions you’ll answer? The real reason you want me alive?”

“It is.”

You nod. “I’m listening. And I promise, I’m okay right now. I’m not going to hurt you, or myself, unless I have reason. Truth be told, I don’t really have the mental strength for it.”

Nora nods, too, then, “why?”

“What?”

“Why is it that you don’t have the strength? What’s plaguing you? Why did you attempt to take your own life?”

“I…” your eyes already start to water again, “I can’t live without him. I don’t want to live without him.”

“And who is him?”

“I- I can’t say.”

“Can’t say because you fear our judgment, or can’t say his name out loud?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Might I say it, then?”

“I guess. If you know…”

“Y/N… we know it’s Kai. And we know because his… passing affects us, too.” Hearing his name out loud shatters your heart, but Nora saying she knew him catches your attention. You tilt your head at her. “The reason we were able to siphon you earlier is because we’re like him. We’re heretics.” You straighten. “We were trapped in the 1903 prison world. Kai fed us and let us out. We owe our survival to him.”

“He became a brother to us,” Mary adds, “was a brother to us. We’re all of the same family, with the same rejected gene, although a century apart. Besides each other, we’ve never had anyone understand us, and aside from Lily, no one’s ever cared to listen.”

“But how do you know me? You know,” your voice wavers, his name coming off your tongue weakly, “Kai. How do you know me?”

“Because, silly, he loved you,” Nora rolls her eyes gently, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Mary nods. “Once he knew we were trustworthy, he talked to us nonstop. Some of it was about the modern world or his own past, but he mostly talked about you. He had the strangest device, a phone, he called it, and would look at pictures of you until it died, and after that, he had one in his wallet.”

“And he’d tell stories. How kind you always were, how he came to trust you, and how you had started a relationship together.”

“The longer he spent there, the more worked up he was getting. He told us about 1994 and what had happened, and that he’d spent eighteen years in another prison world, just to end up in a colder, darker one. I think that’s where the wedding went wrong.”

You agree. “He told me his biggest fear was getting sent to one of those again. Being alone.”

“Not only being alone, but being without you,” Nora says. “We were there, but he still needed you.”

“And although we kept him company, it wasn’t the same.”

“Valerie didn’t help much,” Nora mutters.

“Valerie… the other one? Upstairs?”

“She didn’t approve of his crime to get locked in 1994. She seemed to have forgotten her own childhood, judging his like that. We all grew up similarly. Told we were abominations and cast away.”

You’re about to make a comment on that, but Mary beats you to speaking first,

“You didn’t flinch when I siphoned you.”

“Yeah, um,” you smile, a memory surfacing, “I used to let Kai siphon whenever he wanted.”

“It didn’t hurt?”

“I liked it.” You shrug. “Hurt a little, sometimes. Like a burn, but… I liked the feeling.”

“You say ‘whenever he wanted,’ so like, not only for spells?”

“Sometimes he just wanted to feel magic in his blood. I didn’t use my magic a lot, and knew he had been deprived of it, so regardless if he was performing a spell or not, yes, I’d let him siphon.”

“So…” Nora starts, “you said you didn’t use your magic a lot?”

“Not really.”

“So you won’t be too upset at losing it now that you’re a vampire?”

You give her a playful glare. “I’ll miss it, but I can live without it.” Her face lights up at your choice of words. “What?”

“‘You can live without it’. That’s exactly what I want to hear from you; that you know you can live, despite the tragedy, just like you said you fear.”

“Nora-”

“Sh, sh, sh, let me relish this moment.” Mary giggles at her girlfriend. “You want to fight the war inside your mind. You want to live.”

“I wanted to live with Kai,” you remind. “Alone…”

“You won’t be alone. We know what it’s like to be lonely. We won’t let you feel that way.”

“I just… it’s going to take some time for me to heal. I can’t promise it’ll be easy.”

“We’ve got your back, Y/N. Kai would have wanted you to live. We want that for you, too.”

You nod, still a bit unsure, but now aware that these girls aren’t going to let you out of their sight, so you might as well comply. “Can I stay here, then?”

“In the cellar or upstairs?”

“I don’t know.”

Mary rolls her eyes playfully. “C’mon, we have a room ready for you.”

<•>

Adjusting to your new life is hard. Living without Kai is hard. Living with the heretics, though, is surprisingly easy. They’ve taken you in as one of their own, filling in the void that Kai left, and treating you like family. Valerie is a little weary around you, perhaps wondering how you could love the man that killed his entire family, but Nora and Mary Louise don’t ever let her get far. She, too, deep down, is grateful for the escape that your lover brought them; she doesn’t let her disapproval of his crimes cloud that too much.

Beau is more similar to Valerie than the girls. He’s older than them and Kai, and has never been one to seek revenge, as told to you by Valerie. While Kai had a penchant for violence, and Nora had a heart craving retribution, the other heretics were much more level-headed. They wanted to distance themselves from their family more so than to make them pay. And although Mary Louise was one of these, she strongly supported her girlfriend’s needs, understanding how their coven’s treatment could make them turn cold. 

Once awoken in 1903, Nora quickly admires Kai for his actions. Granted, he may have not gone about his revenge in the best way, but he refused to let his father win, and won himself. Nora wasn’t a twin, just a sibling in her particular line, but she had suffered as much isolation as Kai did. For him to break free from his father’s prison world, then complete the merge he was denied and become their leader, it didn’t take much convincing to get her involved in the break-free from 1903 plan. Mary, again, went along with her girlfriend. She was passive but had a similar childhood, and couldn’t help but see Kai as the brother she always wanted. She had one, but wasn’t allowed to speak to him, and so when Kai spoke nonstop to her, she felt adored by him. And it’s true, Kai loved them all like family, because they were. 

Despite knowing most of the heretics, you never meet Malcomb, who was killed by Damon while you were still transitioning. Nor have you met Oscar, who is out running vague errands for Lily. Though you remain in the boarding house with the four until tensions start to rise between Lily and her sons. 

Lily, rarely at the house, is nonetheless welcoming to you. She offers you a simple condolence when you thank her for giving Kai her blood. She says she wishes things turned out better, and regrets not being able to save his life. In a way, you tell her, she did, but that Damon took him away from both of you. All of you, rather, as Nora strokes your hair as you speak.

The warming party between Mystic Falls’ residents and the heretics is the day your new status as a vampire is revealed. The wistful shock in Damon’s eyes and the concerned delight in Bonnie’s is something you’ll never forget, although by this time, you’re too disheartened by either of them to address it. When Mary Louise whisks you away with a bottle of bourbon, you don’t fight. Enzo sends Bonnie a confused glance that you miss, but neither comment. 

<•>

A lot happens in a short time following that night. Jo’s twins are confirmed to be alive with Caroline carrying them, something about which you’re still unsure. Valerie had a rendezvous with Stefan a century ago, and Julian’s confirmed a monster when his atrocious response slips from between her lips. For a moment, Mary Louise is hesitant to trust her, and Nora finds solace with Bonnie, but you, now permanently bonded to the two youngest heretics, pull them back together. Oscar is lost along the way, caught by the Salvatores who had just put down their own mother. Four funerals are held in a mere couple of months: Kai, Malcomb, Oscar, and Lily. One month after that, a fifth is held for Beau. 

Caroline’s twins - well, Jo’s, ish - are born, with the help of the heretics. You watch from a distance, concerned way more for Caroline birthing two refusing siphons from her vampire womb, than for the twins themselves. In the end, only Beau is the one to not make it out. A previously estranged vampire hunter released from Alaric’s armory interrupts the introduction of life with a promise of death. Bonnie was the one to let her out, it’s revealed, so it’s only fair that she’s the one to get tangled in the mess and take her down. After that, Enzo and Damon are captured by sirens and made to perform the dirty work of the two ancient beings. Bonnie’s trapped in the middle of it, as is Caroline, and incidentally, as is everyone else in the town. Eventually, what’s left of the old Mystic Falls’ gang manages to rid themselves of the sirens, only to be faced with Cade, the Devil himself. 

Though most of these details are blurry to you. Parts of the story are missing, like holes in a blanket. You’ve kept up with the general plot, but lost a lot of the story’s structure along the way. 

That’s because seven years ago, right after the twins’ birth and Beau’s funeral, the heretics ran. Valerie escaped to Europe, and you, Nora, and Mary Louise headed south. You didn’t want to get mixed up in the turmoil, especially not with Rayna Cruz, then a vengeful Bonnie, on the loose, so the three of you disappeared with barely a trace. You’re still in contact with Caroline, and Valerie remembers to charge and connect her phone, she still talks to Nora and Mary Louise, but for the most part, you’re set far apart from your old life. 

And surprisingly, you’re happy. 

Life in the boarding house with the heretics was easy. Living with Nora and Mary Louise is even easier. You’ve taught them to adapt to the modern age, despite their unfamiliarity, but as it turns out, they blend in quite well. You have a thing for take-out; the girls love catching up on all the movies they’ve missed, so many nights are spent as movie nights, eating large amounts of take-out and binging movies all night. Of course, you also rotate cooking. Mary’s the worst. Nora’s the best. You’re in the middle, no talent of your own, for it’s Kai that taught you all you know about it. 

Speaking of Kai… over time, you’ve been able to talk more about him. You open up your relationship to the heretics, sharing stories you’ve never told anyone, telling them things that most might consider TMI, but by this point in your friendship, there’s no such thing as secrets. They love it. They love laughing at the funny parts, and crying over sadder ones. They share memories and tragedies from their own pasts, sometimes relating to Kai, but sometimes, also, relating to you. 

You share blankets on the couch and straws with drinks. You braid each other’s hair and rotate chores. You dance together in the kitchen, singing along to music both old and modern, with no neighbors to hear how undeniably loud you are. You’re happy. 

<•>

It’s been a while since you’ve heard from Caroline, but when you finally do, she sends you a cryptic message that immediately pulls you to your feet. 

Caroline: I need a favor. Call me when you get a chance. 

Your eyes narrow at the text. Rarely does Caroline text with such seriousness, especially with such a long period of not speaking. 

“What is it?” Nora asks, seeing tension on your face. 

“Caroline… asking for a favor.”

“You don’t have to go back to Mystic Falls, do you? It’s dangerous there,” Mary worries. Talk of the Devil filled the last phone call you’ve had with the other blonde. Specifically, Kelly Donovan returned for one more dramatic entrance, a bell was rung, and the Devil got out. A second protection spell was put around the house, just in case, after that news. 

“I’m not sure. One moment.” You dial her number, and only wait a second before she picks up. “Caroline?”

“Y/N? Hi.”

“Hi. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Kind of. I need you to come back to Mystic Falls as soon as possible.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“It’s… it’s about the twins.”

You shoot the girls an anxious glance as they overhear the call. 

“Is everything okay with them?”

Caroline hesitates. “How soon can you get here?”

“Caroline? Are they okay?”

“Y/N-”

“Overnight. I’ll be there by morning.”

“Okay. Come to the armory.”

You pack a quick bag and hug your friends, then leave immediately. 

“Be careful,” they wish you. “Let us know if you need help.”

“I will. I’ll be back shortly.”

<•>

You burst into the armory quite loudly, calling for Caroline. She races to your side a moment later, a finger over her lips. 

“What’s wrong? Where’s the twins?”

“The twins are fine. They’re-”

“What?! Caroline, what the fuck?! I drove all night. I-”

“Come with me. Please. And be quiet.”

Still worried, but now a little pissed, you follow her down the narrow, dark hallway to the cells. You’re about to ask more questions, but then you notice a person occupying one of the rooms. “Who-?”

She spins you around by the shoulders, forcing you to look at her. “Take him and go. Wherever you are with the heretics, bring him with you. I can’t let him hurt my girls, but if he’s with you, he’ll stay away from them.”

“Caroline, what-”

“Cade is looking for him, and Stefan and Damon want to send him back in exchange for Elena’s coffin, but I know how much he means to you and if I were in your shoes, I’d intervene, too. Hell, I’ve spent the last three days compelling Stefan’s victims that they’ve been seeing things. We’ve all done questionable things for the people we love, and so I’m telling you to do the same. Get him out of Mystic Falls, now.”

When you turn the corner, Kai Parker is on the other side of the glass. His hand is raised as he siphons the magic from the walls. 

“Caroline, will-” he pauses, noticing you. “Y/N?”

Your breath hitches in your throat. “Kai?” You turn to Caroline, searching for answers.

“He escaped when the Maxwell bell rang.”

“That bell rang days ago, you said. He’s been here ever since?”

“Damon told me you were dead,” Kai says. The glass begins to crack under his hand. 

“We don’t have time for this,” Caroline interrupts hurriedly, “Y/N, you need to go.” She waves in Kai’s direction. “Break the glass, make it look like you’ve escaped, and get out of here. Just don’t think about coming after my kids, or I’ll make you regret it.”

Kai sets his jaw, then shatters the glass. Caroline blocks the both of you from the shards, and in the next moment, you’re standing face to face with the man you’ve missed for years. 

“Hi, princess,” he greets.

You waste no time jumping into his arms, legs around his waist, burying your face in his neck. You cling to him tightly, wrapped in an embrace, until he sets you down gently. 

“Caroline,” you start, “thank you.”

She smiles sweetly. “I love you. Now, go!”

“I love you, too. I’ll call you when everything settles.”

“You better.”

You take Kai’s hand and drag him out of the armory. A series of turns leads you to a side exit; an emergency door, but with the sirens already blaring overhead, you’re not worried about it. 

“Y/N,” he pauses the moment you get outside. 

“My car’s over here, c’mon.” 

He doesn’t budge. “But-”

“Kai!”

“You’re a vampire,” he says, clearly confused. “What happened? When’d you turn?”

“What? You don’t think I could look this young seven years later?” You joke, tugging more.

“No! I didn’t mean that-”

“I…” your grip weakens with the look he gives you. “Can we please get in the car? Alaric’s going to notice you’re gone, and-”

“When? When did you turn?”

“After you died,” you confess, face falling to the ground. You can’t look at him; can’t stand to see the sadness on your face. 

“How? Did Damon-?”

“No, Damon didn’t do it. I… I couldn’t live without you. It was too hard. I didn’t want to. I tried… someone had other plans.”

“Princess…” his voice trails off as he realizes what you mean. Strong arms reach for yours to pull you into his chest. “You didn’t… oh. Oh my god.” He tilts your head up to face him, but you avoid his eyes. “Who turned you? Dam-”

“Again, not Damon. I, um, can we go? Ric’s gonna come any second, and-”

“Who turned you, Y/N?”

“Nora.” 

“Nora? From-”

“1903? Yeah. “

“Is she-? Are the heretics-?” Kai’s interrupted by shouting coming from the armory. You grab his hand once more and drag him to your car. He climbs in the passenger seat without question, and you speed out of Mystic Falls as fast as you can. 

Not until you’re fifteen minutes from the armory, do you finally answer the questions swarming his head. You lower your speed to follow the limit, then take a deep breath. 

“Nora,” he beats you to it. 

“I killed myself,” you confess, “attempted, I guess. She found me, fed me her blood right before I died. She and Mary Louise took me to the boarding house, where they had been staying.”

“Both of them?”

You nod. “I wasn’t an easy project. First I refused to transition, then I refused bags. She had to pin me to the wall to get me to drink; I still fought, and Mary had to siphon me to weaken me enough that Nora could complete the transition. After that, I’d scream and cuss at them for keeping me alive. Nora would give me this cold stare, and Mary would cry, but neither gave up on me. Then, I flipped a complete one-eighty and cried for weeks. Nora said I resembled Alice in Wonderland in her sea of tears.” You chuckle now, but Kai has a feeling you weren’t laughing then. He sure isn’t laughing at all as you retell the story. “But finally, after about a month, I settled. I realized I couldn’t die, and they wouldn’t let me die, and I had to figure out how to live, now, as a vampire. I let them give me bags without a fight, and with time, talked to them.” 

“Why did they save you, do you know?”

“That’s something I begged them to tell me for weeks, but they refused to say until I was ready to hear it. They loved you,” you say, stealing a glimpse at him, “like a hero, like a brother. They loved you, and heard so many stories in the prison world about how you loved me, and when Nora found me in the alley, she knew she had to save me because you would’ve wanted me to live. She did it for you. She didn’t want me - your girl - to die ‘young and heartbroken’.” You sniffle, tears forming. “She wanted me to learn to live a life I could be proud of, and she wanted to honor her admiration for you by keeping me here.”

It’s a lot for Kai to take in; he’s quiet for a few minutes. As he thinks, though, his hand creeps towards yours and takes a hold of it. He squeezes gently, then kisses your knuckles. 

“The heretics,” he says, “where are they now?”

“Val’s in Europe, traveling. She didn’t want to be near Mystic Falls; turns out she has history with Stefan. Damon and Bonnie killed Malcomb before I could meet him, and Damon and Stefan killed Oscar, also before I met him. Beau was killed by an ancient hunter, whilst protecting the twins after Caroline gave birth to them, and-”

“Mary Louise and Nora?”

“I live with them.”

“What?”

“We have a little house on the border. Just out of Virginia, but barely considered North Carolina. They’re still together; had some bumps in their relationship, but they’re happy now.”

“And you, are you happy?”

“It took me a long time, but I found happiness within myself and from them. So I would consider myself happy, I guess. As weird as it is to say.”

“And me… if I were to join you, would you still be happy, after all these years?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve learned to live without me. You’ve found your place in this world, and friends. You’ve built a life for yourself.”

Slowly, you pull over to give him your full attention. Kai watches carefully, curious at what you’ll say. “Not a day has gone by that I haven’t missed you. I think about you every day. I miss the feeling of holding your hand, and hugging you. Kissing you. Hell, I miss the feeling of you siphoning me. No matter how happy I’ve become, there’s always been a piece of me missing. I figured it would always be missing, but as I sit here and look at you, I realize it’s not anymore. I love you, Kai, and I want you in my life, with me. I always have. I’ve learned to live without you, yes, and I’ve found people and things within myself that contribute to my happiness, but I will never be as good as when I’m with you.”

“Y/N…”

“And if your next question is about Nora and Mary, just know that they adore you way more than you might ever know. Nora admires you, and to Mary, you’re the brother she never got to know. They saved my life because they were mourning you, and knew I was, too. We all saved each other, in a way, and we’re all brought together because of you.”

It takes another minute of focused staring to process your words. You follow his line of sight to the steering wheel, but the moment you catch his eye, he stutters a response. “I-I love you. I’ve missed you, too, every day, and the thought of you is what kept me strong when I was in Hell. I need you.”

“You have me.”

“I won’t be easy, either. I can’t promise I won’t have nightmares from all the shit that happened there, but I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”

“I’ll help you through them. It’ll be okay.”

“You sure you want me in your life?”

“I need you just as much as you say you need me. Don’t ever doubt that.”

He nods. “Take me home, then.” He smiles. “Wait, after a kiss first.” Kai moves towards you as you turn twice, once to the wheel, then back to him, and takes your face in his hands. He kisses you with a passion equally sweet and rough, fingers grazing your skin and tangling in your hair. Your own hands find his shoulders, pulling him closer. After a moment, he pulls back, needing to catch his breath after such a long time of not kissing you. “Good? You need any more convincing to keep me around?”

“Shut up,” you joke, lighting hitting his chest. “Convincing? No. But I am gonna need you to make up later for seven years apart.”

“Well that I can certainly do.”

<•>

Four hours later, you pull into the long driveway that is your home. It’s nestled peacefully in the woods, away from most people, yet not so much that anyone will assume it’s abandoned. It’s cute and dainty, with colored tulips in beds in the front, and a red wreath hanging on the door, all compliments of Mary Louise. A bowl of food and water rests on the porch, to which Kai makes a face, and you explain that Nora’s been feeding the stray cats. You, on the other hand, are responsible for the hammock on the wrap-around porch. It provides a perfect spot for reading, or, more often, a place to daydream what life would be like if Kai never left. 

Just like this, you’d think, but he’d be beside you, softly kissing your neck. 

You don’t knock before entering. However, Kai bumps into the doorway, and you let out a quiet giggle at his confused expression. 

“Nora?” You call into the home. “I need you to let somebody in.”

The door is open wide enough that Kai can see into the house, but he can’t see the stairs. Nora trots down the stairs a moment later, asking to whom you could be referring before she sees him for herself. 

“Just a friend Caroline wanted me to pick up. Kinda like a stray puppy, actually.”

Mary giggles, half-expecting an actual puppy. But then when Nora comes to the door and her heart begins to race, her girlfriend gets worried. “Nora?” She hurries to stand beside her. “Oh!”

“Kai?” Nora asks gently. It looks like him, but she can never be too sure. She looks to you for confirmation.

You nod. “It’s him.”

“Hi,” he greets, signature smile confirming his own identity. 

“Kai,” she says, tone full of relief. She rushes into his arms for a hug he didn’t expect. Nevertheless, he hugs her back just as tightly as she holds him. “Come in,” she invites as soon as letting him go.

Mary gawks as he crosses the threshold. “Can I-?”

He opens his arms again for her to hug him, and the two share their own embrace. 

“What happened?” Nora starts, “how’d you-? Where-?”

“As I told Damon, then Caroline told Y/N, I jumped out when the Maxwell bell was rung. Damon tried to keep me hidden from Y/N, but Caroline had other plans. She let Y/N take me as long as I didn’t hurt the twins, to which I’m happy to let those little Gemini gremlins go if it means being with her.”

“And Cade?”

“Caroline called on the way; Cade’s dead. And Kai ate on the way, so he’s feeling better.”

“Earlier I felt like I could still be slipping back into Hell, but Cade’s grip on me weakened, and her blood gave me strength, so I won and got my footing back on Earth. I am officially a live-dead man once again.”

Mary chuckles, but Nora’s attention catches on a word. “Her?” You glance at the ground, a blush rising to your cheeks. Nora smiles. “Not twelve hours, and the lovebirds are sharing blood.”

“Match made in Heaven,” Mary laughs more.

“Completely inseparable,” Nora agrees. “Well, Kai, I hope you’ve made plans to stay, because now that you’re back, we’re never letting you out of our sight again.”

“You want me to stay?”

Nora had turned, but now she whips back around to face him. “What? Of course. Did you and Y/N-”

“We talked in the car! I thought you were okay with staying.”

“But Nora’s the owner of the house, I have to ask her, too!”

“Of course you’re staying, dork!” She’d learned that word the last couple years and always said it fits Kai; now she gets to use it on him. “Now pull up a chair. I know you’re the cook around here, but I made dinner, and it’s pretty good!”

The four of you take to the table where Nora pours bowls of soup. You settle around the chairs like a family separated for too long, but finally joined back together, never to be apart again, and it’s good. Your hands connected with Kai’s underneath the table, and he squeezes. Across from you, the girls’ own hands are held in each other’s. The joy and laughter around the table is something you want to be a part of forever. 

[historian-in-pearls]

This has been one of the most difficult days of my life. I feel hollowed out and cracked in two. I've been clinging on to hope since I was thirteen years old that things would be okay eventually, that someday I'd be happy I didn't die. I don't think I have that hope anymore.

[authorafterhours]

If, after the Dragon was slain and Will jumped, you know Hannibal would have followed right after him.

This is what I picture, and the gifs were posted by the lovely @bishonenlover ^^

[shusei-tokuda]

*he's just there on the floor, its all stained red*

[whityoungangstblog]

Or or or

Whit tried to uh- hang himself before and researched how to do it but still failed in the end.

I hc that :D

!!

[shining-gem34]

“you can’t stop the rapture of your arteries, or the shredding of your heart’s chambers.” - from yaoshi :) to yinyue jun

Poetry Sentence Starters || Accepting @grislyintentions

TW: HEAVY Gore, Vomiting, Attempted Suicide

Is there joy in finding salvation? Is there salvation in finding joy?

Since the beginning of his tragedy, Yinyue Jun experienced the agony of his body consumed by the Abundance. The beauty of his Creator [Long] gifts have dulled forcing him to overgo an abnormal molting. A process too painful to the point his horns bled and his hardened scales turn tender and soft. The tightening in his chest, throat itchy enough for him to cough petals covered in crimson.

Once, Yinyue Jun examined the state of his body.

His blood turns cold when he sees the buds rooted inside him. They dig deep into his veins, drinking his ichor for nutrients. He tried to get rid of them only for them to return the next day. When the first sign of their buds break through muscles and tissues, through scales and skins, Yinyue Jun rips them off. Uncaring to the bloody mess he made, for pain is a welcoming price to purge his body of the Abundance taint.

Alas, Yaoshi refuses to leave him alone. The wounds heal in seconds, flawless and free of imperfections. Yet the buds remain on his person, more stubborn to remove than the old ink stains on his desk.

Four seasons passes, the buds bloom into hauntingly beautiful lotus blossoms.

Yinyue Jun claws dig under his skin and tear off the blooming buds off of him. He takes with it a chunk of his flesh. A pool of crimson, bigger than the last time, washes away the comforting blue. It is the only color he sees now.

The welcoming pain has turned numb, unable to decipher the heat of the sun or the smooth surface of jade. His bodily functions, including the magic in his veins, are drained away by the parasites. As a result, he grows lethargic where every step is a strain on his limbs. The block of ice inside him becomes bigger, obstructing the flow of his magic to their proper functions.

Yinyue Jun is numb, cold, and tired.

Yaoshi parasites are vicious, vivacious, and vigorous.

More season passes, Yinyue Jun new resident is in darkness.

Where is he? It doesn't matter anymore.

Whether he's chained underwater or laying under THEIR branches, it doesn't matter anymore. The beauty of his Creator [Long] gift has become twisted under Yaoshi hands.

He coughs more petals covered in blood, the pain in his chest growing every time. Azure scales lost their luster, flaking and falling revealing soft and tender pink flesh. His horns are now stumps after the second forced molting.

In his memories, the mirror is cracked after witnessing the monstrosity he's become. It's broken, he tore off his "crown" once he saw the buds forming.

Another violent cough breaks through his body. He twists his body, claws scratching at his throat as he vomits blood and petals. The pain in his chest unbearable to the point he wants to tear out his heart and end it all.

With the last of his strength, while he's still in control of his own life, Yinyue Jun claws move to his chest. He swallows, throat dry and raw from before determination flashes in his teal eyes.

His claws presses against his flesh before cutting it.

The sickening crack of his sternum breaking echoes in the chamber. He thinks he threw up another mouthful of blood. How strange he cannot feel the pain anymore. His hand digs deeper until his fingers wrap around a beating organ and yanks it out of him.

A gasp escape him, but it sounds more like a gurgle.

Though his eyelids feel heavy, the room is dark, he can make out the shape of his heart in his hand. It glows, not from his magic, but from the lotus flowers blooming. Their roots make home in his heart tissues. The green stems constrict it, reminding Yinyue Jun he is now a prisoner of Yaoshi.

In the form of this "curse" the Plagues Author casted on him.

Another sigh escapes Yinyue Jun.

He feels numb, cold and tired.

Yinyue Jun closes his eyes for the last time. There is no feeling in his limbs. There is no warmth left in his body. There is no life to give anymore to these parasites thriving in this corpse of a body.

Finally, he can rest and release his soul from this cage tainted by Yaoshi.

But alas, Yinyue Jun cannot find peace even in death.

For THEIR gaze is always on him.

A blinding golden-green light forces him to open his eyes to witness THEIR descent. Unable to decipher THEIR expression, there are hands on him; holding the one grasping the weakly beating heart. THEY gently guide the organ back into the void in his chest. A pulse of THEIR gift flows into Yinyue Jun, breathing life into his parasite-infested lungs.

He inhales sharply, eyes going wide in horror at the realization, "No..."

A sweep of THEIR fingers across his chest closes the void, leaving only a beautiful lotus right over his heart. Yinyue Jun shakes his head, denying everything that is happening him to be a nightmare.

"Give me death." Yinyue Jun demands, ignoring the flowers blooming on his now regrown horns. Ignores his tail, now covered in green-tinted blue scales, flickering angrily behind him. "I demand death! This is not what I wanted! I refuse to be under your prisoner, Plagues Author!"

His hands shoot up to wrap around THEIR neck; teal eyes blazing with pure hatred for the abomination before him.

Yinyue Jun doesn't recall THEIR expression, but in the back of his mind he realizes something:

The pain his body endured as it slowly eroded away is gone; like it never existed in the first place.

But there is no joy or salvation in this knowledge.

[fake-married-my-dead-fiance]

"I kept taking them, but the pain didn't go away."

Screaming, crying, throwing up

[nicohischierz]

please come back: brandt clarke

warning: talks of hospitals, neglects of the body (please don’t underestimate the needs of your body)

tw: mentions of attempts

that night you stayed with brandt. your boyfriend held onto you as you cried and cried over your brothers. both of you had tried contacting jack but he had blocked both of you on all social media and he had blocked your number as well.

your mother had sent you a message asking how you were and informed you that she had spoken to jack about his behaviour and wondered if he had apologised.

obviously, you couldn't lie to your mother, so you told her that he had blocked you and blew up on trevor and alex. the whole time back to the hotel brennan apologised for essentially outing the two of you but it wasn't his fault and you reassured him of that.

you had called trevor and alex to apologise for your brother's actions. the two boys told you he was an ass for not seeing that you are happy with brandt and that they will be waiting for you with open arms.

after your night of self-pity, you decided maybe it was for the best. you tried convincing yourself to block jack as well but you just couldn't bring yourself to do it. you knew you would always need your big brother.

brandt kept a close eye on you as he watched you interact with his teammates and family. you had been added to the team canada group chat and dubbed team mom.

your fight with your brothers was forgotten the second dylan guenther scored the game-winning goal for canada to win gold back-to-back.

the boys cheered for each other and ran around with the trophy. you took many pictures of your boys and even gave your phone to brandt to take pictures on the ice.

the celebrations were amazing and everyone was ecstatic. you and brandt thought you would be getting on a flight together to go to la but a call from his agent told him he'd been sent down to the ohl.

your goodbye was bittersweet. your boyfriend left with the promise to facetime you every day and that you would meet once the season was over. you gave your boyfriend a long, meaningful kiss before boarding your flight.

when alex and trevor picked you up, they held you tightly between them as you recounted everything that happened between you and jack and how brandt had been sent down.

"why am i not allowed to be happy?" you asked them.

at that, their hearts broke for you. they watched as you became a shell of the person you once were. they watched as quinn and luke would call you but your answers would be short and you'd never fully tell them how you felt.

during the absence of your boyfriend, you focused entirely on your schoolwork. you rarely met up with trevor and jamie or even alex and quinton.

of course, you still spoke to brandt every day when possible and you made an elaborate plan to meet once school was over. your boyfriend could tell there was a difference in your demeanour and he had asked quinton and alex to tell him if something were to happen.

as you were off social media you didn't notice that jack had unblocked you. his parents and brothers had ripped into how he treated you and gave in. however, his words about you staying away from him killed him inside.

you never texted him when the devils clinched or when he broke the record. but he watched as you posted luke's debut and pictures of you at the frozen four.

what hurt jack the most was when he watched luke tear up as you told him you wouldn't be coming to his playoff games.

luke, jack and quinn were all sitting in jack's apartment watching golf when luke's phone rang. the younger boy was on his way to ignore the call when he saw your name pop up.

"hey y/n/n, what's up?" he answered looking over at his brothers. however, it wasn't you that called. it was your boyfriend. in the background luke could hear trevor, alex and a voice he couldn't really make out panicking.

that set off warning bells in luke's mind. he sat up and put his phone on speaker from jack and quinn to hear. "I planned a surprise trip with turcs and q to visit y/n because I hadn't been able to see her but luke it's bad," brandt rambled.

all three brothers looked at each other in worry "what's bad?" luke asked. "she's not waking up luke, we can hear her breathing but it's not strong and we've called an ambulance but no one knows what happened,"

brandt had checked your body for any physical indications as to what would've caused you to be in the state that you were. there was no pill bottle anywhere in your apartment and no physical scars showing any indication of the thought that occupied all the boy's minds.

"i need you to stay on the phone until she gets to the hospital," quinn demanded as he took the phone out of luke's hands. jack was trying to get his parents on the phone but the two of them were occupied.

"the ambulance just pulled up brandt, we need to pack a bag for her. alex will ride with her in the ambulance and we'll meet him there with jimmy," trevor assured the younger boy.

the boys in la rushed around your apartment putting together clothes and items they thought you might need. brandt had told trevor that the hughes brothers were on call and in turn, trevor informed them that ellen and jim knew.

as brandt looked around your room for things to take he found a framed photo of you and your brothers at quinn's draft. you were standing next to your older brother, smiling proudly at him. the photos next to it were the ones that made him crumble to the floor. one was of the two of you at world juniors with his gold medal around his neck and his hat on your head. the other picture was of you and him after his rookie lap, his glove against the glass as you held up the puck he tossed you.

trevor found him kneeling on the floor with the two pictures in his arms. brandt's phone was discarded on the bed as trevor went to try and comfort the boy. "I can't lose her trevor. she has become everything to me and the thought of losing her makes me sick to my stomach," brandt sobbed.

once trevor, brandt and jamie had met alex at the hospital, quinn had informed the boys that the whole family had bought tickets on the first available flight out.

jack couldn't help but feel like it was his fault you were in this state. because if it weren't for him blowing up at you during world juniors, you would be with the family in new jersey instead of a hospital attached to an iv.

trevor and jamie were in the waiting room as they greeted the hughes family. jack glanced into your hospital room and watched as brandt held your hand.

you had woken up the morning after being admitted. the doctors had blamed it on malnutrition and dehydration. when you saw your boyfriend and the boys you saw as your brothers looking at you in worry, you broke down.

you explained to them that you never meant to give up on looking after yourselves. that you'd been so caught up with school that you felt overwhelmed and couldn't cope.

brandt hadn't left your side since then. he clutched onto your hand and cried when you spoke about your troubles. "I'm not going to leave your side again. i swear to you babe,"

the only time brandt left your side was when your family came in to talk to you. luke held your hand as ellen babied over you. jim had gone to talk to the doctors about when you can be discharged as quinn drove trevor and jamie home.

jack sat in a chair in the corner of your room and watched over you as you slept. the rest of the group had either gone to change their clothes or grab something to eat.

brandt was still by your bedside. your boyfriend had been sending texts to all of your mutuals who had heard what happened. but when he was done he just admired the fact that you were alright now.

"you really care for her," jack stated.

brandt gave your brother a small smile before nodding. "when I saw her lying on the floor I just prayed that she was alright. i don't know what I would do without her,"

"look jack, i know she's your only sister and as her brother you have to protect her but no offence, you've been a bit of a shit brother. y/n told me how you didn't want her to come out to la or how you asked your friends to basically spy on her," brandt turned to face jack fully.

jack looked down at the floor. he knew brandt was right and maybe that was what set you away from him. "she's my little sister and I need to protect her and by doing that I sent her to the hospital," jack murmured.

your older brother had tears in his eyes as he approached you. "I'm the reason she's here brandt. if i didn't blow up at you guys then maybe she would be here making jokes with us," brandt brought jack in for a hug.

it was an unusual sight. but ellen was sure to capture the moment as her, luke and jim approached your room. brandt and jack gave each other a nod that meant they understood each other.

"jacky," you croaked waking up from your nap. your brother was by your side in a second as he held your hand "I'm so sorry y/n/n. I've been so overbearing but I just want to look out for you,"

"i love you y/n and that boy you have, he's the best person for you," jack spoke as tears welled in his eyes. his little sister was growing up and he knew he had to let her go.

[kusuokisser]

tw suicidal thoughts/actions -> saiki angst fic promo

imagine that kusuke once noticed how kusuo was showing the warning signs of a major depressive episode and saw an opportunity to get the ultimate victory over kusuo; to get him to willingly die first.

kusuo could have managed through the episode if it weren't for kusuke. the option of suicide that kusuke presented him with acted as a ball and chain clamped to kusuos mind, dragging him down deeper into the spiral of emotions that were flooding through him.

kusuo sees it as a challenge almost, but he sees it as a challenge he's going to lose. a challenge he wants to lose, i mean, having his powers has made his life a living hell hasn't it? maybe kusuke was kind in offering him a way out right? a way to end his torment.

if you thought this was a banger you should read my fic, this is literally the premise lol :P its 100% finished for bingeabiliy purposes but towards the middle you can tell i got bored and wanted to skip towards the end so excuse its obvious rushed-ness.

[0perfectimperfections0]

What if the factory robots had given the new leader Ox, a shockcollar and remote to punish Lou instead of the washer. Because they don't want their best prototype to be ruined, they offered an alternative method in keeping Lou under control by the dolls.

Mkay...I've actually played around with this idea a bit, which will explain why this short story went on longer than I knew it would.

Needless to say, 9 Google-Doc-Pages-Later, I finished this.

Enjoy, and I'll put a "read more" bit right at the beginning just cause it's a lot and I don't wanna give a hard time to those of you that enjoy scrolling through the feeds instead of using the pinned post.

<><><><><>

Lou's breathing was a bit off-kilter from the shocks. He looked up at Ox through his lashes and drooping bangs. "Don't like your new pet?" He asked venomously. Wrists were bound behind his back by metal clasps. These did not produce electrocution and were assumably only temporary. Ox hoped so, anyhow. 

Ox stared down at the prototype with so much conflict warring in him. 

"Do it," Lou panted with a challenging look in his eyes. "You know you want to. This is my punishment, right? For trying to kill all of you. For lying. Cheating. Destruction. Sabotage. The list goes on. That's at least five shocks right there." 

"Stop talking," Ox growled lowly. 

Lou rose his brows minutely with an air of sass. "Yes, Master." 

His chin was grabbed quickly. Ox glared. "Don't…call me that. The factory ain’t doin’ this to ya ‘cause of any of those things and you know it. They lost control over ya and they want it back. They're just makin’ us do their dirty work. So don't call me that." 

Lou still held a level gaze. "Yes, Sir." 

Ox's hand tensed around Lou's jaw and the other around the remote. The only pressure Lou took note of was the one holding the remote. He maintained eye contact but watched that green thumb hover over the button. He tensed on instinct, waiting for the shock, and his pupils contracted in a rush of fear. None of it went unnoticed by Ox. "Don't call me that," he almost hissed out. "I'm Ox. Just say Ox." 

Lou's eyes deviated from his. They went to a robot watching a ways off. Lou whispered as his eyes trailed back to Ox's. "I'm not allowed to be informal. That's part of obedience. I have to address you as either Sir or Master…like I'm supposed to with my Creator." 

This was nauseating. Ox looked down at the collar, lowering the hand on Lou's chin to thumb over the cold metal. "Can we break it?" 

Lou's eyes lowered to the ground. "No, Sir. It sends out another shock if too much pressure is applied. I've tried before in the past." There was a significant pause. "There is another way, though, that I haven't tried yet." 

"What is it?"

Blue eyes met his again. "You won't like it–Sir." He quickly added when he almost forgot. Ox didn't respond but waited for him to continue. "If you take me to the recycle–"

"No," Ox said it so quickly and with so much conviction it actually made Lou flinch. "We're not doin’ that. It's not an option." 

"Sir–"

"No, enough, I'm not doin’ it." Ox stepped back from Lou, rubbing a paw over his ears. "There has to be another way." 

Mandy wrung her hands together, looking at the collar. "Why does the factory think you need this?" 

"I haven't been doing what they want me to do." Lou sounded so empty inside as he stared ahead. "I've let too many imperfect dolls through the portal. I let you all train. I broke the portal. Not to mention the countless times I've tried to go through the portal. I'm not allowed to touch it–not like I can go through anyway–but attempts are against the rules." Lou hung his head, shrugging with a slight tilt to the head as he remembered another thing. "Oh, and I ran the Gauntlet." Another pause. “I’m not perfect enough for him.”

“Him?” Ox stared ahead, trying to think of a way to get Lou out of this mess. 

“My Creator. The one who made me. I belong to him and this factory.” 

“Then we can talk to him,” Moxy tried for a smile with the idea. “I’m sure he doesn’t want his doll to be…like this. Maybe if we tell him what’s going on then he can stop it.” Lou shook his head, not looking at her. “It’s worth a shot, right? You said you belong to him. He’ll help you.”

“The way I belong to my Creator is different from the way you all belong to your kids. He owns me. He owns me like a slave. I’m not his doll, I’m his puppet. He uses me to get the inner workings accomplished within the Institute and I am expected to obey his every command.” 

“Then we fight back,” Moxy looked determined as always. 

“Woah, now, girly,” Wage stepped in quickly, “this ain’t any of our business, much less our problem.” 

“Wage is right,” Lucky glanced nervously at Lou. “This has nothing to do with us. It’s more serious than going through a pipe, Moxy.”

“Well, shouldn’t we do something to stop this?” She challenged. 

“I’m telling you how to stop this,” Lou hissed. He noticed the robot’s eyes blink red in the distance and he corrected himself. Lou bowed his head and fixed his face, bangs drooping low enough to cover his glare at the ground. “Take me to the recycle,” he said quietly. 

“And do what exactly?” Ox finally looked back down at Lou. Blue eyes looked up through his bangs, anger burning in them. 

“Kill me. It’s been a decade of this. The process will just repeat itself.”

“Just do what he tells ya to do!” Ox was growing frustrated and desperate. 

“If I do…someone’s still gonna die, Sir. It just won’t be me.” The dolls grew silent. Ox stared down at Lou for a long moment. The pieces were beginning to fall into place. 

“You ain’t the reason I had to go through the pipes.” 

“I did what he told me to.” Lou’s eyes lowered, tired now of upholding the stare-off. His shoulders slumped and he wiggled his fingers to get the feeling back in them. “That’s all I’ve ever been doing since I was created. At some point, I just got sick and tired of listening. That’s when new punishments were implemented to keep me in line.”  

Ox thought for a moment. It was just extreme measures just to keep Lou in line. And to the perspective of a human…Lou was just a doll. Just a prototype. Obviously, he was much more than that to Ox, but this Creator wouldn’t see it that way. Lou could have been replaced at any point once he started disobeying. So, why keep him around? “It sounds like he’s afraid of ya.” He looked down in the corner of his eye to gauge Lou’s reaction. 

The blond chuckled dryly. “Sure. Like I’ve got any ground on him. I don’t see why he doesn’t just make a new prototype. Give him a new toy to play with and let me just die already.” 

“He’s keeping you alive for a reason,” Mandy spoke somewhat to herself. She sat on her knees in front of Lou, brushing part of his hair back to look at the collar better. “Maybe he can’t make another prototype.” 

Lou barely glanced into her eyes—more conscious of her hand fiddling with the edge of the clasp on his neck. “It wouldn’t be that hard. Make a doll and stuff a microchip in its neck. Voila. New prototype.” 

“Microchip?” Ox echoed. 

“The thing that—other than my Creator—keeps me alive. It’s buried in my neck on the right side. If it weren’t for that thing, I probably wouldn’t feel a single shock. Or anything, for that matter. I’d be dead.”

“You never told us any of this before,” Mandy looked almost betrayed by the lack of information. 

“Well, forgive me, Ma’am, for not being so open. I didn’t exactly want my one vulnerability to be exposed to the public. Anyone could kill me if they wanted to with a hard enough punch to the throat.” 

“No one would’ve done that,” Moxy looked disgusted by the thought. 

“I’m not exactly popular at the moment, so don’t speak so soon,” Lou commented sarcastically. “The names also didn’t flow smoothly off the tongue. What did they use to call me? Cyborg. That was a fun one, very creative. Android. Unique, still didn’t sound as good as Lou. Sometimes they abandoned creativity and just called me a robot.”

Mandy tilted Lou’s head to one side to expose the right portion of his neck. She tapped the red light experimentally. Maybe they could use some sort of tool to disassemble the collar. “You’re still a doll, though, other than that. Stuffing inside, right?” Lou hummed in agreement. “You’re more sentient than those robots by a long shot—lift your head.” He did so. Both her hands went to either side of his neck, trying to feel for any bolts or screws that could be undone. “I’m wondering if there’s a safer way to get it off. One that doesn’t involve you getting hurt.” 

“Funny,” Lou sent her a wry smile while his head was tilted upward, “after that episode in the pipes, I would’ve thought you to be the last person to care.” 

“I don’t care,” she muttered. 

Lou hummed. “Then take me to the recycle.” 

She took him by the chin, lowering his face to be level with hers now. “Stop talking.”

He gave her a haughty look, brow raising. “Yes ma’am.” 

<><><><><>

They were in Ox’s home, sprawling out the plethora of tools Babo had emptied from his pockets. Lou watched placidly. They had gotten the cuffs around his wrists off. Submission didn’t look right on him. Not when they had become so used to the confident, authoritative figure he used to be. It was obvious that Lou wasn’t enjoying it, either. He sat on the floor, cross-legged, with one hand propping up his head and the other picking at the carpet. 

“You’re wasting your energy,” Lou commented off-handedly. “I gave you the easy way out.” 

He was ignored by all of them. What was the big deal? They didn’t like him anyway. There shouldn’t be any issue with sending him to the recycling to be destroyed. 

The remote controlling his collar probably shouldn’t have been haphazardly set on the floor along with the assortment of tools. Moxy wasn’t watching where she stepped and the back of her heel landed on the button. They nearly jumped out of their felt when Lou screamed. Blue and white sparks danced around the surface of the collar as it went off. Lou doubled over, fingers now digging into the carpet as his body jolted and he tried to bite back screams. Moxy jumped about a foot in the air when she realized what happened and the shocks stopped. Lou took in staggering gasps of air, eyes squeezed shut so he wouldn’t pass out from the colored splotches in his vision. 

“Oh my doll! I’m so sorry!” Moxy gently kicked the remote far away and rushed over to him. Something red trickled down his lips. He coughed more of the liquid up, nearly sending Moxy into a full-on panic as she thought it was blood. 

“I’m fine,” he spoke hoarsely, wiping the red stuff away with his sleeve. Probably not a good idea. He was still wearing his white dress shirt. It left a large, red stain on it. Great. “It’s not blood. I’m still stuffing inside, remember?” His attempt at a joke failed miserably when Moxy didn’t look relieved by that answer. 

“Th-Then what is it?” She was hesitant to touch him. As if he were delicate and would break. She didn’t want to hurt him again. 

“Silicone discharge,” he answered, a thumb rimming over his bottom lip to wipe it off. It stained his fingers red. “It’s from the microchip. It does that with high voltages. Not sure why.” Something yellow came into view and he lifted his head to see Mandy kneeling down in front of him. She took a wet washcloth and wiped his mouth and fingers. The mix of colors turned certain spots green on the cloth. 

“Hold that to your mouth,” Mandy ordered. “Ox, you wouldn’t happen to have anything else he can wear, would you?” 

“It’s fine,” Lou mumbled around the cloth. “I’ve gotten more stains on me than this before.” 

“Yeah, well, it looks like blood and I’m not staring at it for the rest of the day.” Mandy grabbed another wet washcloth and tried wiping at the spot while Ox went to search for a shirt. The cloth held up to his mouth was taken—soaked and nearly completely green. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Recycling is looking a lot better now, huh?” Lou licked his lips to try and get rid of some of it. It was pooling in his mouth. Metallic-tasting and bitter. 

Mandy had half a mind to slap him across the face when she returned with a new washcloth. A part of it would have been fueled by anger at hearing him speak about suicide so lightly. The other would have been misdirected anger at herself for even caring about what happened to him. But Lou wasn’t phased by anger. That was the very essence of what fueled his own actions. The only thing he would probably respond to is something he wasn’t familiar with. 

The dark-skinned doll sat back down in front of him, gently placing the wet rag on his mouth and handing him a cup to spit into. She watched him for a moment. “You’re really strong.” He looked up at her, obviously caught off guard by the compliment. “If I was in your position, I don’t think I would’ve been able to endure it. Not for ten years.”

Lou scoffed, breaking eye contact. “I wish I’d given up sooner. All I did was prove to my Creator how much of a submissive pet I was by obeying. I should’ve thrown myself into the recycling years ago to make my point.”

“That’s what you think that is? You think killing yourself is proving a point?” 

“You said so yourself that he’s keeping me alive for a reason. I’m not gonna give him what he wants.”

“Then stand up to him—in a real way. Talk back. Fight. Something.” Mandy flared her hands in the air, trying to think of alternatives. 

“I. Can’t.” Lou looked into her eyes, pupils contracted. His voice shook a little no matter how hard he tried to control it. “I get treated like a rabid dog the second I break one of the rules. What do you think he’ll do to me if I blatantly go against him? He won’t kill me, but I’ll wish I was dead. I wish I was dead right now.” 

“I think Ox is right. I think he’s afraid of you and is doing this to make you feel inferior.” Lou rolled his eyes with a scoff. “People don’t bring others down for no reason, Lou. Not even you. Me and you both know that the only reason you tried so hard to get rid of Moxy was because you knew she could beat you.” Lou glared dangerously but kept silent. “Your Creator is doing the same thing to you.” 

Ox came in and the group grew silent again. Lou had been glaring at Mandy when Ox reentered the room. He looked between the two, a grey t-shirt in his paws. “What’d I miss?” 

<><><><>

“Alright, hold still.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Mandy intentionally pinched Lou’s neck, making him flinch. It didn’t wipe the tired, really-wish-this-was-over look in his eyes. His head was tilted, exposing the collar, and Mandy held a pair of metal pliers. “We’re not in the open anymore. Stop with that.” 

“It wasn’t even for that, actually. I more or less want to be on good terms with the person who has a weapon aimed at my throat. But by all means, take a stab at it.” He meant this literally and figuratively. 

Moxy returned with another clean washcloth. He’d gone through three of them by now. All soaked with discharge. The voltage was much higher the second time than the first. It felt like it grew stronger with each administration. Some of the carpet had accidentally gotten torn up as well from how far his nails had dug in. 

“Alright, I’m gonna pull,” Mandy warned. Lou only nodded minutely and stuffed the rag into his mouth, biting down on it, to muffle his screams and prepare for the discharge. Moxy stood in front of Lou, grabbing him by the wrists tightly so he wouldn’t claw at anything. The pink doll watched Mandy mouth a countdown before pulling downward with the pliers. 

Moxy’s feet nearly slipped and she had to quickly adjust to the sheer force of Lou’s arms pushing against her as the shocks went through him. He was strong by himself, but gosh, if the pain didn’t seem to amplify his strength by a ton. Lou’s eyes were squeezed shut as he screamed through the rag. Red liquid started seeping through, trailing down the corners of his mouth. The other dolls had to look away. Moxy closed her eyes as well and concentrated solely on keeping Lou’s hands up. 

Ox kept his eye open. It was trained more so on the collar than Lou’s face. Mandy didn’t seem to be gaining any ground as she continued to put all of her weight into pushing down on the collar to break it loose. 

The rag was released from Lou’s mouth and he cried out with tears streaming down his face. “Stop! Please stop!” Mandy immediately released and the shocks halted. Lou’s body finally untensed and he sucked in a breath of air as he sobbed. Red discharge pooled in his mouth and Babo was quick to go grab another rag. They could barely wipe away any of the liquid as Lou doubled over, crying. Moxy eased his arms down to his lap but didn’t let go. 

Mandy snaked her arms around his torso, forehead pressing against the side of his. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

They had to calm Lou down before he choked on the fluids pooling in his mouth. He coughed up a concerning amount and more was dripping down his chin. Ox patted Lou’s back a few times to get the airways clear again. “P-Please,” Lou choked out, “I-I’m begging you…t-take—take me to recycle.” 

Mandy opened her eyes, lifting her head to rest her chin on the crown of his head. Taking in a shaky breath, “Okay.” The others stared at her with wide eyes. Ox gave her an understanding look, ears drooping behind him. “Alright…if that’s what you want…we’ll take you there.”

<><><><>

It was silent the whole walk. Lou was supported by Mandy and Wage, arms draped around their shoulders. That last shock had taken almost everything out of him. It was a surprise he was even alive. Mandy kept a rag in one hand, dabbing it against his mouth periodically. Most of the discharge had ebbed away. 

“Stop,” Lou sounded breathless. They halted and Lou’s knees buckled. The two girls eased him onto the ground on his knees. He braced his arms against the ground, trying to blink away the colored splotches in his vision.

“We got company,” UglyDog growled, fur bristling.

Three robots were headed toward them. The one in the lead narrowed its sights on Lou. “Where are you taking Prototype Model 12?” It came to a stop just a few feet from them. 

The dolls exchanged looks. There was no answer. 

“Attempt at escape is futile–”

“Escape or saving?” Ox narrowed his eye. “This whole punishment is outta line! What makes any o’ this humane!?” 

“If the punishment is not carried out, we will take matters into our own hands.” The second robot held up a remote. Lou still had his back to the robots, eyes narrowing in hazily on the pipe just a ways off. 

"You will obey my every command. Right down to the word."

"Yes, Sir." 

"Good." There was a distinct pause. "You will never turn against me. I am your Creator. Your Savior." 

Blue eyes stared dead ahead, still. "Yes, Sir." 

Lou’s hands turned to fists on the ground. One of the robots was spitting out those stupid rules again. “Prototype Model 12 has not exuberated proper obedience. He must be properly conditioned to follow orders.”

"You will submit yourself to me. You will belong to me."

"Yes, Sir."

Everything. All of it. He hated it. He hated being stuck here. He hated submitting himself to that monster. He hated the rules. He hated the isolation. He hated hating things because he had nothing to love. He hated being tossed around and abused like a ragdoll. 

One of the Uglies said something that didn’t sit well with the robots. The button was pressed and a nauseating jolt made Lou’s heart sink down into his stomach and jump up in his throat at the same time.  

“Say it.”

“I am worthless without you.”

“Again.”

“I am worthless without you.”

“You. Belong. To me.”

“I belong to you, Sir.”

Lou screamed bloody murder, discharge dripping down from his teeth and onto the ground. It wasn’t all from the pain. Rage. It made his heart race faster than the shocks did. It made his muscles tense and some foreign energy danced on his fingertips. Before any of the dolls knew it, blue eyes shot open. The whole expanse of them glowed an iridescent blue. The lights in the Institute flickered as if the sun held no purpose. The clouds rolled and twisted as if they didn’t know which way to go. The wind picked up speed. Lou screamed at the top of his lungs, rage bursting out of him along with the bolt of electricity that shot out from his fingers to the robots. 

The dolls backed away, giving Lou a wide berth as he stood on trembling legs and halfway turned to the other two robots. The lead one was nothing but a smoking hunk of metal now. An arm was outstretched and blue streams of electricity shot out and fried the other two robots. 

Even as electricity sparked and danced between Lou’s fingers, the lights began to stop flickering and the wind died down. Lou struggled to breathe, chest heaving. His eyes dimmed and the iris’ became visible again. The outstretched arm dropped to his side as if it weighed more than he could handle. His hold body began to cripple and fall to the floor. Mandy caught him by the underarms before he could reach the ground. 

“W-What…was that?” Wage asked with a trembling voice. 

They could only stare at Lou as his eyelids fell shut and he went limp in Mandy’s arms. Smoke trailed from the ground at Lou’s feet where the collar around his neck had broke and the cross-section was charred black. She lowered herself to the ground, bringing Lou with her. He was still breathing, thank goodness. 

Ox tentatively reached out and took Lou’s wrist, sliding his paw down to the hand. Short sparks erupted now and then at the fingertips. Ox sucked in a quick breath when one of them stung his hand. “This…,” he couldn’t explain it, nor understand it, “this is what his Creator was afraid of.”

[dangermousie]

Crying, screaming, throwing up!!!!

[kaythefloppa]

My Abuse Story - A PSA

For those who don't know, or are new, here's the rundown:

Hi, I'm Kay. Some may refer to me as Kan, or K. Since I was young, I've immersed myself in many online fandoms, including The Lion King, Tangled, and of course, Wild Kratts. But there's one fandom that I've been in where a series of events that 'unfortunate' wouldn't even scratch the surface of. Events which for my own safety and salvation, I've had to keep in lock and key, and have only recently found the bravery to come out about in its entirety.

The year of 2020 is reviled as hell on Earth. Which it was, for various [and obvious] reasons. However, for some worse than others. I thought I had seen the worst in that year, but I was wrong. I was dealt a very nasty hand, by very nasty individuals, all of which in the last place I'd ever expect. As a result, I was left with many scars that have stuck with me throughout my adolescence. And now, four years later, I feel as though it's finally my time to speak up about what I've waited nearly half a decade to pull from under the rug; The mistakes I've made, the abuse, the impact it had upon my life, and most importantly, the people responsible for this. All within the MLP fandom in its niche audio drama community.

This video below details the abuse I went through, including the evidence I had gathered (partially from a witness of the abuse who was also victimized by these people). Massive trigger warning for mentions of abuse, self-harm, and suicide.

In the description of the video, there is a Google Document that details the exact bucket list of abuse that MLP users Pretty Pegasus Wings/Empire Productions, @pand4monium, Vchart, KikibatVA, Mara/McFlurryVA, HollyJSFrosting, ZarosianPony, ect. are guilty of.

Go through the doc and watch the video entirely before coming to your own conclusions and commenting. This is something that has been swept under the rug in its entirety for far too long and needs to be brought to light.

[shusei-tokuda]

ugh... it won't stop bleeding...

*he muttered feeling sluggish as he tried to move across his bed to reach more bandages*

fuck i shouldn't of taken those pills... ugh...