#suicdal thoughts

[lostandfallenstar]

My mother molded my life into the story of her trauma all because she was alone

[mosaic-of-broken-hearts]

I’m never happier than when I decide to kill myself. My happiest days are the days I decide might just be my last.

[justadepressiveangel]

Ich bete immer noch zu Gott, in der Hoffnung, das er mich zu sich holt..

[theultimateetc]

I had a 3 day week but fuck me it was long

[fuckloveandallhisfriends]

The more I thing about my future the more I wish I was deeply depressed so I have the guts to kill myself

But I’m in this weird limbo where I’m just mildly sad but still wanting to die

[im-not-me-anymore]

Journal 18th September 2023

I have no one to write to, I don't want to disturb anyone or add to their problems.

I miss mine happy years. When I felt like myself. I just want it to end. Over and over I see only one solution: death. I don't see hope.

I don't want to know anyone. Not because I don't want people in my life. I just don't want to be a trouble for anyone. I've been one all of my life. I was someone who got in the way, took up space and wasted oxygen.

All the time I'm trying to prove myself, to feel if nothing less worthy of living for at least a minute. I'm such a fraud I'm egocentrically helping others, not for them, but so I can feel useful. To feel like a dog after saying "good boy".

I'm doing this or I go numb into dissociative of "forget I exist" realm. And once per month I've got 30 minutes of feel good just so i won't forget how enjoyable life can be.

[gditrisha]

NEVER LET ME GO | Uki Violeta x Fulgur Ovid

PAIRINGS: PsyBorg, Uki Violeta x Fulgur Ovid TAGS & WARNINGS: Song Lyric Fic, Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Suicdal Ideation, Emotional Baggage A/Ns: Listen to "Never Let Me Go" by Florence + The Machine. This one-shot is part of FLOW: an anthology of PsyBorg fanfics inspired by Florence + the Machine songs.

“It’s breaking over me." 

Uki finally confessed as he turned to his side to face Fulgur, who had felt him shift beneath the sheets. 

It had been like this the past couple of months since they moved in together. The mundane and domestic atmosphere were cherished by both and they found warmth in each other's company. However, there were instances when they'd still feel a pang of emptiness - often more so at the dead of night. 

Uki would wake up in those quiet hours. Nibbling a jammy egg. Sitting by his cushioned nook near the window.  Lost in his own thoughts. Observing the cars that drove by. Each headlight zoomed like shooting stars. 

Fulgur would wake up and enter his study. Turning on warm but dim lights. Skimming through his curation of books. Flipping through pages. Tracing fingers carefully on  sentences. Absorbing nothing. 

“Want a hug?” Fulgur asked as he moved the strands of his partner's hair away from his face.  

Apparently Uki had stared into nothingness and didn't notice Fulgur had asked him this question a third time. He was not one to decline Fulgur’s touch or affection, however, he shook his head. 

“How about some cuddles?”

“No.” 

More tears soaked his pillow.

“What can I do to help?” 

Uki’s chest tightened as salty beads trickled down the bridge of his nose. 

“I want…to calm down but…I just can’t.” Uki sat and immediately retrieved the tissue from his bedside table but couldn't catch his sneeze in time. 

“Damn it.” He pulled a few plies of tissue from the box and blew his nose hard then wiped the snot from his hand. He couldn’t tell if his mind was thumping because of the sneeze or if it was the dread. 

“I need air.” Uki removed the sheets then hopped out of bed with urgent footsteps heading towards the foyer.  

“Uki. Uki, wait.” Fulgur followed right after, grabbing a jacket and, unbeknownst to him, their blanket as he rushed to the car.

The sound of keys and keychains clanged as Uki unlocked the door and turned the ignition.

"I'll drive, Uki. Please. It's much safer this way." Fulgur pleaded. 

Uki was silent as he knew Fulgur made a valid point. He licked his teeth at his own impulsiveness then stepped out of the driver's seat to transfer to the back. 

Fulgur strapped in and thought for a moment. With a sense of where they ought to be, he drove off. Fulgur looked at the rear-view mirror to check on Uki from time to time. The drive was rather silent. Save for Uki’s sniffles and stuttered breathing. They had finally made one more turn and arrived at the beach. 

As soon as the engine turned off, Uki stepped out of the vehicle and picked up his sandals. His heart ached as grains of sand sifted between his toes. 

The winds whirred around as the ocean hissed. Uki felt like he was going deaf.  

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗮 𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗸. 

𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝘀𝗼 𝗯𝗮𝗱. 

𝗗𝗼 𝗜 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲? 

He dropped to the ground curling and hugging himself as he wailed. Each grain was reminiscent of the sting in his knees when punishments were inflicted to him and many others confined in the horrendous cult he had escaped.  

“I-I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING. I COULD’VE SAVED THEM."

Fulgur placed the blanket down and knelt next to Uki, who was already crying his heart out. 

“W-WE WERE ALL SO YOUNG.”

Fulgur gripped Uki’s hand, anchoring him as best he could without speaking as he didn’t want to wax poetic only for it to come out as a preach of toxic positivity. He needed to let Uki grieve. It had been a long time coming. 

"I want to sink beneath this sea." Uki uttered as his gaze locked on the fractured moonlight glistening on the ocean. 

The words Uki uttered hung in the air as Fulgur witnessed the unfathomable hurt his person was feeling. Fulgur took a deep breath as if to muster up all the strength in his mind and body for them both. He then removed the car keys from his pocket then placed it on the blanket. 

Fulgur stood, dusted the sand off his legs then held his hand out. 

“Where are we going?” Uki asked. 

“Just trust me.”  

Uki grabbed onto Fulgur’s arm and could feel the blood rushing through his brain as he was slowly brought up to his feet. Fulgur helped Uki regain his balance as they made their way to the water. 

“Wait but your arm and leg,” Uki slightly tugged at Fulgur’s hand. 

“Nah it’s fine. I can just drain it and fix it up when we get back. Come on.” 

A shiver ran up Uki’s spine as the waves came in contact. They kept taking steps farther from land and when the water waded ‘til their torso, they stopped.  

“Ok. Now I want you to lie back into the water.” 

“Lie back?” 

“Yes, then slowly do a T-pose,” Fulgur instructed. 

“So you want me to float?”

"Yeah," Fulgur nodded. 

Uki was a bit taken aback by Fulgur’s odd instructions but still did as told. He laid his head back, extended his arms to his sides, and lifted his feet. Fulgur stood next to Uki, supporting him by the nape and back. 

“That’s it. There you go.” Fulgur’s voice sounded even more calm as the ocean water muffled Uki’s hearing. 

Uki couldn't understand why they were in the water but the night sky illuminated by stars, veiled ever so lightly with clouds was a beautiful sight to behold. No other words between them needed. 

Tears continued to stream down Uki’s temples while Fulgur quietly held Uki so as to not let him drift away. After what seemed to be almost an hour, Uki stopped crying and couldn't tell whether it was the saltiness of the sea or his tears he could taste. Uki slowly propped himself upright with Fulgur carefully supporting him. 

Uki wrapped his arms around Fulgur and buried his face in the crook of his neck. 

"Never let me go." 

"As long as we live." 

Fulgur held him tighter. He was washed over with immense relief. 

“Good. Can I have that cuddle when we get back?” 

“Of course, Ukiki.”

They held each other for a while before retreating back to shore, making the soft-spoken, conversation-filled drive back home. 

And I am done with my graceless heart So tonight, I'm gonna cut it out and then restart' Cause I like to keep my issues drawn It's always darkest before the dawn 

A/Ns: Once you've reached the end notes, listen to "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine. Thank you so much for reading "Never Let Me Go"! Part iii is a work in progress. I just need to find the 2 Florence songs that fit the theme!

STORY i | WRITING MASTERLIST | FLOW MASTERLIST

[the-blackbird-murmuration]

Tw sh, suicidal, struggles with family and general mental health

When I was in ~7th grade I somewhat realised that my mood swings that made me lash out at my friends, my periods of emotional numbness, and overall relationship with my family was probably not the best and most likely at the very least kind of problematic. I made friends with this (now very dear) person online around the same time. After the 'honeymoon' period at the beginning of our friendship, I started going back to the same behaviours I had with my irl friends. This time, however, my online fri3nd brought up the fact that I was probably having depressive episodes and that I had quite depressive tendencies (or something along those lines). I was very self destructive and had a horribly low self esteem in every way possible. The same friend made it clear to me several times that I will probably have an inclination towards things like suicidal ideation and sh and such in the future but that they truly hope I will never come to it. Well, fast forward a few years, I can check those things off my list.

I just feel like there's something so surreal about that. The friend knows ab the first major and probably most serious (thus far) suicdal episode, but doesn't k ow about the subsequent episodes and the sh.

I've always been quite a happy person at school, despite my struggles with family and chronic pain that I had for several years even to the point that my teachers didn't believe that I was suffering from chronic pain 24/7 for several years. Again fast forward a few years and I was my happiest at school. The chronic pain subsided and became episodic, but the family situation only got worse. And yet I was a dedicated student and school was my passion (whether it was purely out of the validation i got for doing well or not I'm not entirely sure). I did however open up about some aspects of my family life and how I was struggling with it, but never too explicitly. I also ended up opening up ab my sh to the same teachers but bc I wasn't (visibly) struggling at school (despite my endless breakdowns and panic attacks in the school bathroom), it was never seen as a big deal.

Regarding my sh, it's only been getting worse. I keep thi king about how to cut deeper and deeper, and what tools I can use to maximise the pain and 'quality' of the cuts.

My online friend (who at the time was ~12) should not have been responsible for my wellbeing (when I was also ~12). It should not have been their burden to carry. It should not have been them searching up "how to help friend with depressive tendencies."

Time and time again, the only person that would ever hear me out and would truly listen to me when I would confess that I witnessed my grandfather running around with an axe trying to genuinely kill my grandmother, was this friend. Time and time again, adults would dismiss me as a mere overthinker (which to some extent I was at some points in time). Time and time again, more important and 'serious' cases were taken care of instead of mine. Time and time again I wondered how these truly amazing teachers of mine who in many ways were genuinely thoughtful and observant, could not see just how much pain I have and continue to be in.

My existence in itself has become a call for help which apparently is silent and invisible for one reason or another. I continue to disintegrate, cut by cut, breakdown by breakdown, one destructive coping mechanism after another and perhaps I will never stop until I completely fall to ashes.

[ao3feed-zukka]

Is this as good as it gets?

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/rES2bdR

by RobinTheGreat

Zuko has been struggling and finally decided to get help.

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM SUICDAL THOUGHTS

Words: 441, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Series: Part 2 of Re-introducing the Firelord to royal life (badly)

Fandoms: Avatar: The Last Airbender

Rating: Not Rated

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: The Gaang (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar), Sokka (Avatar), Katara (Avatar), Toph Beifong, Aang (Avatar)

Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)

Additional Tags: Zuko Needs Therapy (Avatar), Zuko Gets Therapy (Avatar), Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Zuko-centric (Avatar), Firelord Zuko (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Protective Sokka (Avatar), Stubborn Katara (Avatar), Protective Katara (Avatar), Protective Toph Beifong

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/rES2bdR

[t-essell]

first suicdal thoughts of the year! ☺️

[confessionblog]

I just got sent a long message by a drunk person who I considered a friend (we've known each other for about 3/4 of a year) when they were sober. It boils down to me using my personal experiences to show I relate and empathize with them and them seeing that as me being selfish and egotistical

And I genuinely wasn't aware that that was something I did or that it bothered them that much. Honestly I wish they had expressed this when they were sober and expressed it kindly/kinder cuz all their angry rant caused was a rejection dysphoria flare up, an anxiety attack and a panic that I am still having to work on to get out of.

Trying to see the positives in everything - I only had vague suicdal thoughts and managed to keep them to a minimum instead of SH immediately (like how I usually 'handled' things.)

My coping mechanisms are shit and all I can think of right now is whether or not I truly was an asshole or if that's just them being salty/mad after I cancelled a vague plan for a trip we were considering in favor of doing something to refuel my own social battery. I can't figure out how to politely explain that in telling me I was rude they sent me into a spiral and that I like to hang out with my longer-lasting friends more when I'm exhausted and busy because they know what I'm like and they don't drain me nearly as much .

I feel like I'd be an asshole if I told them that and I don't know if I want to risk the friendship to stand up for myself or just take it and wallow in silence.

(So far I've left them a 'sorry I was a dick' note and proceeded to turn off all communications I had with them for at least a day so I can clear my head and not burst into sobs and hyperventilating every time I use my damn phone)

Okay woah. First off, personally, I don't think you're a dick. If anyone here has read my responses to these confessions, they'd see that I do that too! When I relate to something someone is going through, especially irl, I'll tell them why. It's saying "you're not alone. Sometimes this just happens, and it'll get better. If I'm still here, you will be too." That person might have their own gripes with you, but from this submission it seems like you'd do just fine without them.

If someone causes you this much fear, or panic, or anxiety, are they really your friend? Why talk to someone if talking isn't safe? There are better ways to communicate than drunk accusations and hostility. If you want to tell them how you feel about this, try and find a way to navigate communication first. Don't address problems without a possible solution. That's how I do things anyway.

I'm proud of you for staying clean of sh. Keep being strong for yourself and the people around you who actually give a damn.

[blitz0hno]

posting for attention

i wrote down some stream of consciousness stuff. Maybe someone will relate. Please don't worry, they are only thoughts and feelings we are coping with.

TW// suicdal ideation, awful grammar, prayer (for my religious trauma girlies)

enjoy my suffering /gen

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH WHAT CAN I DO RN 

I CAN”T CALM TF DONW 

I CAN’T CAN’T I CAN’T 

I FEEL SO FAKE AND SO VIOLENT 

AND FUCKING INSANE 

AND LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING TO PIECES 

NO MATTER WHAT I DO 

BECAUSE I CAN’T SEEM 

TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING 

OR DO ANYTHING OR ACT ON ANYTHING 

WE WANNA DO BC WE R SO SCARED 

OF POURING OUR HEART INTO SOMETHING 

AND BEING REJECTED

 F U C K IT HURTS IT HURTS THIS HELPED IG

IDK EVERYTHING HURTS

NOT EVERYTHING

UH I AM ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY GOOD

BUT THE FLASGBACKS NEED TO STOP 

THEY NEED TO STOP.

GOD HELP ME WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP 

I WANT TO FUCK UP ANYONE 

WHO WOULD DO THAT SHIT TO A KID 

WHY IS THIS EVER ALLOWED TO HAPPEN 

EVER WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE 

SO FUCKING TWISTED 

I JUST WANT IT TO STOP 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP 

HURTING EACH OTHER 

I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP

HURTING ME 

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO AVOID IT. 

I AM NOT HERE RN 

I AM DISSOCIATING 

LIFE A MOTHERFUCKER

 AND I CANNOT DO THIS SHIT

 I NEED IT TO STOPPPPP

I WANNA FEEL BETTER

 I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO CARRY AROUND 

ALL THIS BULLSHIT

PEOPLE WHO HURT PEOPLE 

WILL GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM 

BUT WHEN, WHEN????? 

I cannot rn, 

how are we gonna get our shit together 

when we’re burning the FUCK out? 

Ugh. 

deep breath, deep breath. 

There’s a hole of grief on my chest. 

My socks are wet. 

I wanna cry in the fuckin library, 

It’s too cold. 

I am scared.

my head hurts. 

I need to complain ig. 

Why do i do this? 

I have everything I could need 

but no matter how grateful 

i try to be, 

instead of getting a break 

i just get more and more piled on 

how tf did this happen 

why did we lose our job 

to some douchebag family member 

of the shittiest manager around 

oh my fucking god the cowardice 

and entitlement 

of all the soft fuckin SHITHEADS i keep meetign 

like PICK A STRUGGLE. 

I keep zoning out dear god 

let me find something to do with this rage 

stop the rain for two minutes 

I don’t want to drive 

i don’t want to think

and the visibility outside is awful 

WHY IS FEBRURARY LONG 

it’s longer this year 

I want spring 

I want sun 

I am sad that it’s getting warmer out 

and weather is getting extreme so 

I wish it was at least weather I like. 

My routine is shot, 

I have none. My phone is dead, 

doordash is too much energy rn. 

I am. 

Killing myself. 

Not really but 

jfc I am so tired 

in a way that weighs on you. 

And I feel survivor’s guilt 

about the whole fucking world. 

Guilt guilt guilt 

that is ALL we ever feel 

everything is our fault somehow and 

we can’t fix anything with that attitude 

I am so upset. 

Fuckin hell. 

Make it stop make it stop 

but don’t let me die 

I’m not ready. 

And I feel guilty for that too, 

because who IS ready? 

It just happens. 

And instead of happening to rapists and serial killers 

it happens to sweet people 

who made the world better. 

Fuck this. 

Where’s the divine punishment 

for the WORLD LEADERS????? 

What’s with the collective 

capitalist punishment? 

I constantly feel like 

I’ve done something wrong or bad. 

Constant. 

Stupid fucking axel, 

screaming in our face and starting this whole mess. 

My life is great overall 

but my heart and mind are fucked up rn.

Are you there god? It’s me.

And me. And me.

Etc..

I don’t wanna kill myself it just sounds really easy (it’s not you will not go out without a fight so it’ll just be a llot of medical bullshit.)

[heyjackieg]

My spirit is sad. What is the meaning to life?

Its just a question. Its not suicdal . Not every dark morbid thought links to suicide.

More of a philosophical question 

[my-vanishing-hope]

[lostandfallenstar]

I'm tired in ways you can't understand

[antisocialistica]

Today, after 20 years I realised my mom is a toxic person. I can’t be myself because she doesn’t accept that. I can’t live by my beliefs because it makes me a bad person.

From today I have no one. I’ve never been that lonely. :)