#still pursuing a bpd diagnosis

[madame-mongoose]

I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field

[piplupod]

...if bpd is on my diagnoses list then why am i not receiving any treatment for it and have only received more mistreatment -_-

[canonically47]

As a way of saying goodbye to DC, what are your headcanons for where everyone ends up after All Stars?--review anon

ooooo such a cute question!!!!!! tysm for this

yul ends up being cancelled on his socials and he has to start working a regular job, he becomes miserable being yelled at and harassed by customers like he deserves yippee!

riya is also cancelled following the events of DCAS - seriously she CANNOT gain a following after this and she cannot find roles, realistically speaking - but she manages to sustain herself with her prize money for now. however, she does begin job hunting. it goes horrible for her, her digital footprint is too massive to ignore.

ashley continues living her quiet life on the farm with will, occasionally meeting up with lill & nick, as well as with jake, ally, lake and other contestants of DCAS! she even eventually reaches out to season 1 contestants left out, and organizes a get-together for the season 1 cast with everyone :)

ally, hunter & tess all eventually get together after a lot of denial and pining, and co-manage their channels. they become more and more popular, regularly attend cons, & overall just lead the awesome lives they deserve. tess also becomes popular for her art!

lake eventually gets into a qpr & goes to university to study psychology. she keeps in contact with aiden, james and friends she's made on DCAS. she goes on to live with rosa-maria after university, and the two will organize, years later down the line, a meet-up for the cast of season 2, even being kind enough as to invite yul and riya, although neither show up.

miriam gets to enjoy retirement by travelling around the world, sometimes even tagging along with friends, even with the group of james, aiden, lake and rosa-maria. why not :3

james & aiden continue travelling the world together, growing their following on social media, and eventually aiden pursues a career in theatre and earns a lot of success! i mean have you HEARD his VA sing. my god, can he sing.

ellie & gabby lead a happy life with ellie as an artist and gabby carries them with her income by becoming an environmental scientist !!

fiore moves in with alec, alec adopts fiore, and the two unlearn their bad habits together; alec, his bad parenting, and fiore, being this evil gremlin child. she still has her outbursts, but alec stops feeding into this idea that she is a monster or a mistake and pushes her to grow. the two also meet up with some other contestants, and eventually befriend rosa-maria, so she helps a lot with parenting tips :)

grett becomes a gym trainer & fitness influencer and uses her social media platform to encourage and lift up others. my queen

jake and tom begin dating and they talk a lottttttt of things out... and eventually tomjajakeden becomes a thing & they all move in together and it's awesome. tom and aiden aren't dating but the rest of them all are and it's kinda funny actually. tom also realizes he's aroflux and that explains a lot about how his identity has impacted his love life. they're unstoppable

also tom quits his job as a cop and becomes a firefighter instead. and gets an autism diagnosis. also jake gets a BPD diagnosis. and aiden gets a shit ton of piercings. and tom gets fatter. and james also gets a shit ton of piercings. and they're all happy together and they have movie nights and game nights and they love each other a lot

the cast generally meets a lot, the casts even merge at one point despite some of them never having been on DCAS. it's so funny how some of these guys meet. deadass alec and fiore go camping one night only to find they've come at the same camping site as kai and maggy. another time gabellie runs into dan at a bookstore. and so forth. they eventually get a super large groupchat and it's hilarious. they all meet sometimes and they have to book a huge venue it's so funny

also gabgrellie becomes real too why not. i love gabgrellie. grett moves in with them and they're all super cool and awesome and in love

maybe i should write some of these hmmm

[genericpuff]

Hey, idk if you’ve ever answered this before, but will Minthe have bpd in Lore Rekindled? Or are you doing other things with her

Ima be honest, I'm still trying to buff out Minthe's story in the drafts for Rekindled, so I'm not 100% sure yet if her story's going to involve her having BPD. On the one hand, I'd like to honor her original character design who was canonically written with BPD, but on the other, it's difficult to try and do justice by a character who shouldn't have even been written with BPD in the first place (not to say she couldn't be BPD, but it's clear Rachel didn't know what she was signing up for at all when she decided to just "give her" BPD especially with the plot arc she was given; it seemed to only serve the purpose of villainizing her).

I want to make sure that if I do pursue the BPD plotline route that I do my research properly and give Minthe the chance for redemption and empathy she wasn't given in the original comic. While I don't have BPD specifically, I do fall under other mental illness umbrellas that share elements with BPD and I know would want to be treated with the same respect that Minthe should have been treated with in the first place.

Ultimately, I'm going to go with whatever suits the plot and Minthe best, but I won't know that until I do my due diligence and go through the rounds on the chalkboard a few times. So apologies there that I don't have a straight answer at this time! Unlike removing the SA plot, it's just not as simple of a question to answer, because while I would like to take a crack at writing Minthe with her original characterization, I also want to make sure I'm not stepping way out of my own league.

Of course, I'm always open to hearing y'alls opinions as well, especially those of you who live with BPD. You don't have to outright share your own backstories or diagnosis experiences, but if you have your own preferred sources or personal input on writing characters with BPD that you think would help, please feel free to DM me !!

[werebutch]

Disregard this if it’s too personal, but how did you figure out you had bpd? I suspect I may have it but my symptoms are a bit atypical from how it’s usually presented so idk how to go about getting diagnosed or getting therapy

I have no idea, to be honest I just read articles and take tests online and talk with people who are professionally diagnosed but I take all that with a grain of salt. I’m not absolutely sure that I have it, and I’ll never be unless a professional diagnoses me. Personally I don’t like to self dx myself. My rejection sensitivity is very high but that could also just be something else. Back when I had a fp, I was very sure I had bpd or bipolar because my symptoms were so crazy. Seriously crazy. But since I don’t have a fp anymore (although I still have an unusual amount of bitterness and curiousity towards her, at least imo. Not sure if it’s related) obviously a lot of those are pretty minuscule now. Minuscule as in I’m not having full sobbing breakdowns multiple times a week over someone, having very dramatic ups and downs, not AS much black and white thinking, etc. I’ve often gone back and forth between thinking it’s bipolar and borderline, but at this point it doesn’t really matter much to me because I’m so familiar with my symptoms, triggers, coping mechanisms, etc etc. to be honest, all that really matters to me is that I very much relate to what I see and hear about bpd. I don’t think I’ll ever pursue a professional diagnosis just because it’s not going to do much for me... It’s not like they have medication for it lol.

But that’s just me. I would say do all the research you can, but don’t fall prey to this new kind of content telling you you have every disorder under the sun because you think a certain way. You know what I mean? Talk to people actually diagnosed too. That’s pretty much it :> if you really want to know, you could probably call a psych office and ask about personality disorder tests or something. Idk! Good luck though ♥️♥️

If anyone professionally diagnosed wants to weigh in in the notes go right ahead ^__^

[0rb0t]

I am a fucking hypocrite (affectionate) (positive)

I am right, I am proven wrong, I change my mind, I amend, I move forward

I am able to accept when I'm wrong, but I'm also able to fight for what I think is right.

I go back against things I used to say, I'll walk back on a lot. I'm a hypocrite. I do the things I condemned not that long ago.

This is my 2023 arc.

in 2017 i openly feared and hated BPD.

in 2023, i am pursuing a BPD diagnosis for myself.

I'm learning more about it, for my own sake, from a place of acceptance and love.

I'm not afraid of what I'll find... well. I am afraid of what I'll find. but I'm okay with whatever will be there. even the Toxic Version of myself is still myself. I'm going to take It by the hand, pull It to my chest

and hug It. it's alright it's okay

[chaotic-queer-disaster]

#ok but#i took a screening for Alexithymia and scored kinda high#so ive been doing research to try and figure myself out more#still wondering if im autistic even tho ive scored high on those online screenings to#getting a diagnosis is going to be expensive 😩#autism#actuallyautistic#?#what do i do next

@30shadesofmanilla first i'd lie to clarify alexithymia can appear outside of autism, as it's a subclinical personality trait (im not sure if you were saying it does or doesn't, i just wanted to make sure since sometimes understanding what people mean is hard for me).

second, if "what do i do next" was a real question:

look at the DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder

look into diagnoses that are often comorbid with, or may present similarly to, autism, like OCD (involves rituals, routines, anxieties), ADHD (fidgeting, difficulty in school, seeming disconnected from peers with daydreaming/distraction), STPD (lack of close friends, social awkwardness, social anxiety, odd mannerisms), BPD (difficulty in relationships, black and white thinking, poor emotional regulation), And More. PTSD, anxiety, intellectual disability (though that's very unlikely to have gone unnoticed), anixety, etc.

(the things i said in brackets are reasons it may look similar to/appear alongside/be confused with autism btw, as an autisitc person may have or seem to have those symptoms as well.)

track your symptoms, and what you remember of your symptoms going back as far as you can (since autism is from birth). Get the input of people who know you who are knowledgeable on autism (especially autistic people), online and/or offline. look into the experiences of as many autistics as you can, across masking levels and support need levels and presentations and ages of diagnosis. these can be found on blogs, sites, and social media, though don't take anything said on social media at complete face value (insert "you really think people would to that? go on the internet and lie?" here). read papers, too, and any books by autistics you can find (i'd give examples but this is already So Long).

be honest with urself about what does and doesn't line up when pursuing self dx (e.g. i used to think i had ADHD, but i.... do not. i actually have dissociative problems! from PTSD! which i confused for inattentive ADHD! which are helped very differently!)--it's ok to be confused or wrong or unsure. and once you've done a lot of research and tracked things and really looked inside urself, if you're comfortable with it, self diagnose. if you can it's great to look into prof dx, especially for disability accommodation reasons, but i know with the price and medical bias such as misogyny, racism, clasism and ableism that can be hard.

i wish u luck in your autism journey !

me: ok how am i feeling. i'm going to look into my brain and figure out how i'm fe--

alexithymia brain: static

me: what?

alexithymia brain: you feel the way radio static sounds

me: well that's extremely fucking unhelpful

alexithymia brain: it's the best i can give you

[buckthefutcher]

oh ALSO when i had my last therapy session (it was MBT so mostly focused on realtionships with other ppl) I was like....... so do i have anything diagnosable then? is that something i should pursue? and she was like '..........nah i think a lot has just happened to you' which wasn't clear whether no i dont have a diagnosis or no its not worth getting diagnosed. i know labels are not ideal as its more complex than that but im still just living under this umbrella of suspected BPD and thats really fun too

[unstablemotions]

personal rant lol

so now my therapist doesn't think we're bipolar lol soooo that's interesting. she talked about borderline, but then she was like "but you're not having extreme enough emotions since you can stop yourself from acting out". she's said cptsd and also "having different personality states" or however she worded it. but she also told me that even if i dont fit a specific label it doesn't mean that i dont experience it but like... i'd like to have at least some kind of "you have something that's somewhere close to this and this" so that it's easier for me to understand and work with. but at least the vague shit is helpful to a degree still. realising that i'm dissociating all the time and that i have to work together with my states of self to heal and function better has been extremely healing. maybe i find out that i don't have did, cptsd, bpd, adhd, or bipolar, but the labels have been helpful so far at least and so have some of the meds lol

it is extremely confusing to have so many opinions and tests from like a dozen or more doctors, psychologists, nurses, and therapists throughout your life and them having different conclusions and the tests coming out with a "you definitely have something going on but you don't exactly live up to this diagnosis enough that i'll give it to you"

a diagnosis is just a box. we exist on a spectrum and where the cut off line is isn't exactly black/white. you don't just magically not have a disorder just because you fall short on some symptoms. like you still have problems with some of the same things as the criteria for that disorder says. sometimes there's a "unspecified" or "other specified" category that you can be put into when you clearly need help with this thing lol. we have an unspecified bipolar disorder still (they aren't gonna remove it or change it rn but maybe i will pursue that in the future)

also some countries don't even recognise certain disorders in an official manner yet. we don't use the icd-11 yet (the have pushed it to 2026-27 but might be longer), but our therapist still mentioned cptsd about us, which is an icd-11 exclusive diagnosis so far, although it has been recognised for decades afaik

so yeah, rn we call ourselves traumatized, neurodivergent and mentally ill. we recognise our symptoms that align with certain disorders and maybe it turns out that we don't have that, but using coping tactics that are helpful for people with did, cptsd, adhd, bipolar has been and still are super fucking useful for us

[creaturebehavior]

like i used to be better at masking and i fully burnt myself out

also btw. i know i do have bpd, and i haven’t mentioned this in awhile, and maybe it is just bpd, and maybe everyone with bpd feels like i do (i am still researching and trying to learn about my diagnosis) but, i still wonder if i’m autistic and i just don’t know what to do about that. it also could possible be adhd. i feel autistic as fuck and i have for a long time and for many years that’s what i thought was my main issues but i have so many issues it’s just so hard to know.

either way, even if it’s just the bpd + cptsd + ocd + ed + addiction which is plenty, i have wasted all my energy all my entire life masking and i even got fully clean and sober and i masked my ass off for nearly two years before u burnt out so hard i literally was like if i don’t leave school and start smoking a little bit of weed i’m gonna literally commit suicide or worse so.

God i need help. i don’t feel ready to start trying to heal again.

being sober was a nightmare. feeling is going to kill me someday. bpd famous last words? lmfao god i wish i were dead god i wish i weee dead.

i’ve gone to therapists when i wasn’t ready in the past and they fired me as a client after a few sessions and it was a waste of time and money and resources

the world wants me to be ready for them. the world only wants me to go to therapy so i can get a job and every time i try to work with people i get so burnt out and i go crazy and i start getting all these thoughts about hurting them and hurting myself

no one cares about me being ready to heal and to process just for me. i’m not ready and i don’t want to. but i have to take medications and go to therapy so i can work minimum wage right? that’s the only reason any of us are alive

i’m so unhappy

i thought i was pursuing my career and i actually thought i was going to press on and push through it like i just needed to vent and get re-motivated or some extra support whenever my therapist suggested to me that maybe i made the wrong decision in picking the career i did she started questioning my passion because school was stressing me out so much. i was mad at first that she would suggest such a thing instead of encourage me through the next couple minths until graduation. but yeah instead i began to reconsider everything and as much as i realize she was actually projecting her own feelings about her career onto me (she shared openly about her own insecurity in college since she changed her career so late into life and about how she’d been putting off taking the final exam to get her license) i still am just sick enough to distort whatever it is she may have actually said to me into me feeling like what she said to me was “you’re not making any progress. you should give up.” and i heard her loud and clear on that one. i tried to ignore it and tune it out and try to get my brain to think rationally and “she didn’t say that and why would any therapist say that that’s not how she meant it.” but my brain keeps saying back to me that she was suggesting i chose the wrong career and i feel insecure enough to agree with her.

like this is how insane my brain is. like it’s know it’s crazy but ever since she said whatever it is she actually said, all i can remember is how it seemed like she was suggesting i give up

and so one day i said to myself she’s right i chose the wrong career. i won’t ever be successful in this career. because i already believed these things.

i already believed i wasn’t good enough and that i wouldn’t be able to make it through so whenever she suggested maybe i made a mistake in choosing my career path i was like i guess all i needed was one person to agree with me but of course it had to be my therapist who suggests i made the wrong decision

we lost touch shortly after this. it became harder and harder to see her

and yeah i am highly suggestible and yes i believe that’s a symptom of whatever is wrong with me

i already believed i couldn’t do i just needed someone else to agree with me

[rubberduckyrye]

To respect your fic and the spoilers, I will also put this under a readmore :D

Oooooh, I had a feeling it was ASPD or BPD. I know those disorders are often demonized to hell and back and I know a little bit about BPD due to osmosis and my own studying for when I was looking up to see if I had BPD and/or for my Kokichi's backstory with Kenzo, where he gets Kokichi diagnosed very early on as a child with BPD to further gaslight and control the people around Kokichi into believing he's acting out and all when he doesn't even HAVE actual BPD. I've heard horror stories of Autistic people being misdiagnosed with BPD and having the worst time with medical professionals because of it. I was even advised by MY OWN THERAPIST not to pursue the diagnosis because the treatment for BPD is CBT and having BPD on my profile would ruin my ability to get anything done.

I digress though!

I had no idea that ASPD involved chronic boredom like that--then again it seems like a lot of problematic behavioral symptoms of several mental disorders stem from boredom (Lord knows how Boredom from my ADHD has me going crazy--there's a reason why ADHDers are also known for being adrenaline junkies, I've heard stories of kids throwing things at their siblings just because they were so bored) really I'm starting to understand Junko more and mroe the more I realize how crippling boredom is as a feeling and I'm Scared of that xD

And I know how boredom can quickly lead to suicidal thoughts too.

My own boredom stints lead to self hatred and those horrible thoughts, and tbh my only reliable way to get rid of those feelings is to take a fucking Nap. Sometimes I need to take my anxiety meds to help me shut off my brain tbh like I have insanely rapid thoughts.

That's really valid of you not to respect the DSM tbh--I'm also frustrated with how people treat ADHD in how it disrupts others lives rather than how it affects the individual. As an OSDD system myself, I'm also not soo sure how I feel about cutting out the seperation of OSDD 1-a and OSDD 1-b because I actually find the differences to be helpful! I have OSDD 1-b, AKA I have distinguished Alters who are Not Me but I don't have huge blackouts. I actually often give Kokichi OSDD 1-a, him having multiple alters that are versions of himself but with blackouts. Yay for projecting your mental bullshit onto your faves! Still I'm Rambling I am Sorry

I honestly want to do more research on ASPD in general, but since it's one of the harshly stigmatized disorders, I'm going to guess there's a LOT of garbage on the internet about it. Mind telling me and my followers more, since you know way more about it than I suspect the random internet page I find via research will know?

Feel free to take the time to infodump about it here! I'm sure me and my followers would be happy to learn the full scope of the disorder from a lens that doesn't demonize it--ah, unless it's emotionally taxing to do so? I just noticed your tags nasjdjkdnask If it's too much to ask then feel free to just say as such, but I would love some reading material if you know any good ones.

@kindlyre

Okay I'm VERY curious as to what mental illness you're writing Rantaro to have because it seems to be one of those stigmatized ones and I'm v curious???

[tempesttragedya]

friendly reminder that I am Not Neurotypical, and that I'm trying to run my blog in a way more conducive to my mental health as well. ❤️

[askaborderline]

hi! i find myself relating to a lot of borderline traits + symptoms, and i have for a while. as more time passes i’m noticing more things about myself lining up, particularly my thought processes, emotional dysregulation, paranoia, and obsession. however i internalize a Lot of my symptoms and on a technical level i’m functioning: i have a steady job, i avoid substances and i have like, 1.5 friends . (this is despite my mood swings causing me to hit myself or sob over the smallest perceived slight or an angry level of intrusive thoughts). i definitely WANT help but.. i’m worried that i won’t be taken seriously because im “functioning” and hide a lot of symptoms. do you have any advice on pursuing treatment??? should i go to my primary care first?? i don’t have a therapist: do i get one first, and then how can i be sure i’m receiving treatment helpful for me if i am undiagnosed??? i feel a little lost. thank you!

Hey anon,

First of all, there are multiple subtypes of BPD and everyone presents them in different ways. Not everyone's quite like, say, me, where they deal with all their pain by drinking and driving cars way too fast and never holding jobs :P

Second of all, if you want to get professional help, I want to say now that you need to be very aware of self-advocating for yourself - BPD has a certain stigma in the medical field that still hasn't gone away, and a lot of people tend to be treated as the problem or disregarded as "untreatable" as a result. I'm not telling you to avoid professional help, but I wanted to warn you of some of the dangers that come with that.

I would definitely get a therapist as a first priority - BPD is not really "curable" or treatable with medication or anything like that - meds can help with co-morbid disorders or specific symptoms and such, but it's pretty much impossible to deal with it without therapy. I recommend getting a therapist, watching how they treat you for some time (at least a few months), and only if they're really working well with you and seem open to working with personality disorders, bring up the possibility of getting an official diagnosis. I would also recommend seeking out DBT, it is a form of therapy that was made by a person with BPD and it tends to help a lot of us out.

I hope this all goes well for you, I really do :)

[pattytacuri]

10/1/22

Sometimes its hard to be here and by here, I mean this place of calm and peace. It gets boring and I want excitement. It comes with the BPD diagnosis I guess or maybe it's just my nature. I don't know what can top a trip to my homeland tbh. It's been a goal of mine to go back since I graduated from college and now that I've achieved it, it's time to move on to other goals. I still have many to continue pursuing. But it goes without saying, sometimes this road to self-improvement gets lonely 🙁 🥺 . And I know I said , "I'm going on a year long sabbatical from men and sex" and I haven't met anyone in person but if someone hits me up in my DMs, if they're interesting enough I'll talk to them for a bit. 2 dudes hits me up on my DMs the past 2 weeks and both of them I've blocked already. 🤣🤣🤣 IDK, I was telling my friend, "I think my standards are just to high with how I want to be treated because the minute I feel disrespected, disregarded or boundaries crossed, I tell them , "wish you the best" and block them. 🤣🤣 my friend tells me, "or they're just trash". Idk 🤷‍♀️ and I don't have the energy to find out. Maybe I'll just stick to concentrating solely on my goals and kids. October will be my fifth month of abstinence and it gets easier every month I guess. It's a really strange feeling for someone like me to go this long without any "Joe" in her life. It's kind of like how driving felt so strange and different and now it's part of my routine. I do have something in the works that will give me anxiety and an adrenaline rush for next year: starting the paperwork and filing for divorce on my own. My goal is that right after my birthday , my divorce will be final and I won't be legally tied to my starter husband. He's still a part of my family and I'll probably still live with him for a bit but that whole husband/ wife business will finally be put to rest and it will be another chapter closed. Maybe with that chapter closed, I'll authentically feel like a single and solitary woman and really embrace that identity. 🤔 Maybe once the divorced papers are finalized, I'll finally be able to leave behind one of the most painful chapters in my life.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw animal death (brief)

Hey, I'd like some advice and possibly some reassurance. To be brief, I've struggled with what I've recently realized is severe antisocial behaviour throughout most of my life. Lying for self benefit, callous cold way of speaking to the point adults and kids alike always hated me, impulsiveness, poor relationships, dangerous/risky behaviour, not thinking about consequences, failing to work or do tasks, even down to hurting an animal when I was very very young. My question is: Do you mods think it's even worth it to pursue such a stigmatized diagnosis? I'm already medicated for some of these symptoms since I'm diagnosed with psychosis and (I believe misdiagnosed) with BPD. I feel invalid in even thinking about being a kleptomaniac and someone who used to hurt animals, it just makes me feel like I will always be a horrible person, but that thought only gives me a detached and distant pain. I feel like I should feel more, more guilt, more... something, about this discovery and these unlocked memories, but I just feel distant from it. What do you recommend I do from here?

Hey anon,

You are not a horrible person. Please try to remind yourself of that. Recognize that you are doing the best you can and coping how you know how.

To work on your lying, I think you've already done the first step, which is to recognize that you're using this coping mechanism. Remember that lying takes a lot of energy and work; telling the truth is more simple.

Try to figure out what triggers you to engage in these behaviors. Take a deep breath and try to calm down before acting. Think about alternative ways to respond to things. It won't be easy to choose these alternatives right away, but you can do it. One exercise to do would be, when you're feeling calm and regulated, imagine a scenario in which you would normally lie, act impulsively, or otherwise behave antisocially. Then, imagine a different way of reacting to the situation that does not include lying, impulsivity, etc.

I think it is worth seeking mental health treatment for your issues. Whether you get a diagnosis or not, it can still help to treat your symptoms. Talking openly and frankly with a therapist may help you get a grasp on how to work on these issues at your own pace. Your issues could be caused by a variety of things, such as Bipolar, ADHD, substance use, antisocial personality disorder, or something else.

It's possible that you' not ready to fully acknowledge that you feel pain and guilt. It may be hard to feel emotions and connect to your sensations. There is an image on this page that is a wheel of emotions. Familiarizing yourself with more words to describe your feelings could be helpful, especially when identifying your emotions.

Try putting yourself in others' shoes. Everyone has a complicated mind and different issues in their life, just like you. Recognize that other people have their own thoughts and feelings. Try to find similarities between yourself and others. Ask them questions about their interests and try to find a point of connection.

Wishing you well.

- Misa

[bloodhonnie]

maybe tmi but do you think that only ever falling for people who i know for a fact won't reciprocate is a symptom? the last time i fell in love it was so intense i felt like i was put on this earth just to exist in his vicinity and the whole time he had a gf of 5 years and said he saw me like "one of the boys" LMAO. part of me's like if you show interest in me there must obviously be something very wrong with you otherwise you wouldn't be able to even stand me... i swear 2 years ago my friend told me he was gay and for a week later all i could think was have i actually been in love with him this whole time?😂 also like you said! if they won't be in a relationship with me i don't have to think about my complex and very contradictory intimacy issues lol

Hello! I’ll try my best to explain what I think it is for me and you can do with that information what you will. Also a huge disclaimer that I do not self diagnose more like self speculate but I don’t shit on anyone that does self diagnose. Getting a diagnosis is hard and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD so take this with a grain of salt I just think this describes what I go through the best.

*disclaimer!! I’m not saying that rsd and bpd are the same thing or that ppl that only have bpd can have rsd. Rsd is specific to people that have adhd. I’m extremely aware but due to the similarities I thought it would be prudent to use it as a framework to explain what rejection and abandonment in relationships looks like for people with bpd.*

So into my answer! It’s extremely common for people who have ADHD (both children and adults) to have something called rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I will be referring to as RSD from here on out). RSD as described by webMD: “RSD can affect relationships with family, friends, or a romantic partner. The belief that you're being rejected can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act differently toward the person you think has rejected you, they may begin to do so for real.” The webMD article notes that there are similarities between symptoms of RSD and BPD. This excerpt from this psychology today article section titled: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Relationships, explains how RSD can interfere severely in your life affecting your quality of life.

“As you may expect, RSD can have a significant impact on having relationships—or even the seeking of them. Dating can be especially hard for someone with RSD, as they are hyperfocused on any perceived slight whatsoever (Why did it take so long for them to text back?), and they may assume they are being rejected when that is far from the case. They may ruminate on what they said or did "wrong," or isolate themselves to the point of self-sabotaging and actually driving the other person away due to seemingly not being interested themselves.”

The next paragraph explains this cluster of symptoms further. Being insecure in your relationships can be a deterrent to those seeking you out or those that are interested in you.

“Within relationships, people with RSD can have different ways of manifesting their underlying discomfort and fear, and sometimes, gender roles can make a difference. A person may continually second-guess their actions, wanting frequent reassurance from their partner that everything is "OK" within the relationship. They may grow timid and afraid of sharing their real feelings because of the fear that those feelings won't be deemed acceptable. They may escalate conflicts with anger that feels out of proportion to the situation.”

You can check out the full article for a full list of symptoms that comprise RSD. Onto my point now. As someone diagnosed with BPD you might be familiar with the fact that we tend to have unstable relationships in our lives. Wether these relationships are romantic or not usually isn’t much of a factor when it comes to our insecurities surrounding how others perceive us. So, not only do we have an unstable sense of self, but we also have an unstable sense of how others view us. This usually stems from childhood neglect and trauma. When a child forms an insecure attachment to their parents believing or actually witnessing their parents, guardians, or caretakers leave or move on can cause long lasting trauma. It’s a form of emotional stability teasing. By that I mean that usually the caretaker intentionally or unintentionally essentially teases the child with emotional and physical stability. Some examples might be a semi absentee parent or a parent that verbally abused their child by claiming that they will leave because of how the child is or simply because they want to. Both of these scenarios can cause a child to no longer trust those around them. Children learn how to behave in society by observing their peers but most importantly from observing their caretakers. What’s my point? My point is that there’s some evidence to suggest that people with BPD experience something similar to RSD due to trauma or other factors. The first step anyone with BPD can take that will change their life is becoming self aware of the way they are and what BPD looks like for them. It’s important to note that I by no means am an expert in this and this is what I remember from my psych classes.

Anyways moving on to my own personal experiences. The biggest and most harmful situation to me that I perpetuated was liking someone who told me not once but twice that they didn’t wanna be in a relationship with me. I’m not saying that I’m fully at fault but it’s literally so annoying that I definitely subconsciously knew they would never take me seriously and I decided to bet all my money on the same pot. The situation is a bit complicated but it boils down to the fact that I knew they weren’t truly attainable so I cut it off only to go back TWICE to see if it would work out. I knew they weren’t attainable, they had told me so and yet I still continued to pursue them. Not everything is black and white tho and sometimes you need to learn to trust yourself and your intuition. I wasn’t particularly wrong for believing that they might come around but I was wrong for entertaining it simply because I wouldn’t have to actually commit despite what I thought and felt at the time. My experience with BPD is very similar to RSD except that for me as someone with BPD and not RSD I experience this all the time with everyone in my life. I don’t feel secure about any attachment I have to anyone and believe that eventually all of them will leave me because I am actually as bad as I think. This isn’t true and it’s a hard thinking pattern to break.

I don’t know if this helped? It might just be me rambling into the night. Anyways thanks for the ask and thanks for sharing with me! Stuff like this can be hard to sift through!