#might be getting my adhd diagnosis today

[flygonscales]

2 weeks at uni and I’ve already reached peak procrastination. I found masking tape and somehow decided that the best use of my time was to make a tiny Belphemon-sleep.

[spacecrows]

me (diagnosed with ADHD): *talks about little funny/annoying things my brain does (because of the ADHD)* my mom (not diagnosed with anything): wow that's so funny, the exact same thing happens to me too! i've never heard anyone else describe that. so random that you get that too. genetics, huh? :))

[10-dutchies-12-bicycles]

having a terrible time bc the past few months i accidentally kinda maybe 90% cured my adhd...? no im not making this up im srs

i need a support group for ex adhd peeps but unfortunately. yanno. thats not a thing. or at the very least a "how to focus as a neurotypical" article or sth 😭😭😭😭

[spelviin]

when the dnd session so good u dont even know wtf to do with yourself afterwards

[chaoticbardlady99]

Yesterday I Felt like Dancing (Astarion x GN! Reader)

Synopsis: You have burnt both ends of the candle and haven’t been taking care of your mental health. Unable to get yourself out of bed, Astarion begins to worry about you…

Author note- I have been hardcore struggling with my mental health lately and writing my silly little fics has been the only thing pulling me along. I thought it might be therapeutic to write about my current feelings (I have ADHD, MDD, and GAD so it’s a party up in here). I hope you enjoy!

CW- Suicidal Ideation, symptoms of depression, brief outburst, mentions of mental health diagnosis and poor medical advice.

Title inspired by song “Into the Walls” by Griff.

*not my pic, could not tell you where I found it so I apologize in advance. If you think it might be your picture, please message me so I can give proper credit.

Your last day before backtracking from the Mountain Pass to the Goblin camp is a difficult one.

Not for the group as a whole- just you specifically.

Days before a Mindflayer kidnapped you, a healer back home had told you your brain was sick. You had been devastated- resigned to your miserable fate.

You had been struggling for years at that point with inconsistent motivation, exhaustion, nightmares, and irrational thoughts for months. You have been functional for the most part, but then an overpowering wave will hit you like Warhammer in the ribs and you are rendered useless until it passes.

The healer suggested sunlight, exercise, eating healthy, and spending time with friends to help your affliction when you hit rock bottom. You were wildly unimpressed with her. At the time, you preferred to self isolate so you stayed by yourself in the woods trying to find peace there. You would have to let her know that her “going out and enjoying the sun” message is not always wise- you may get a tadpole shoved in your head. You can’t be that mad though- the tadpole helped bring your pep back.

Anyway, you have been doing all of that for weeks now, you even felt great, but today? You could not have hit rock bottom harder even if you tried.

You woke up that morning unable to get yourself out of bed. It was a rest day so it wasn’t a big deal, but you also know that your companions are going to have things they need to talk to you about and favors they need you to take care of.

Gods you had tried to get up. You are grateful that your past self had the gumption to wash off and change into clean clothes last night, but your armor is still disgustingly sitting outside your tent and your hair is long and wild. You had wanted to braid it, but it all felt like too much work.

Everything feels like too much work right now- even staying awake- so you drift in and out of uncomfortable naps throughout the morning. No matter how many times you fall asleep, begging for relief from the painful brick wall sitting on your brain, it never leaves.

You can feel the midday breeze rustle your tent. You’ve been laying here for hours now. You are crying and you honestly aren’t sure why. You feel completely paralyzed by all the things you need to do to be ready for the Underdark.

You need to clean your armor, go over the Goblin Camp’s map with Wyll, find Gale a magical artifact, and probably comfort Lae’zel since she’s been branded a heretic- but you won’t. The shame and self loathing continues. You are a silly, worthless little human being.

Every person who knocks on your tent gets a simple, “I’m just not feeling well,” and then they walk away. You don’t know why it makes you more sad than appreciative. If you were in their shoes- you would be bending over backwards to make sure they had everything they needed and you wouldn’t let them feel alone. Then you resent yourself for feeling that way towards your companions- they don’t owe you anything and you were the one who chose to help them- you didn’t ask for anything in return. This is all your fault.

The only person who hadn’t come to visit you was Astarion- which hurt your heart just a little, enough that the numbness coursing thickly through your body wavered for a moment. You are quite smitten and he is obviously not. Another mistake to add to the swirling black hole your mind has fallen into.

You knew it was stupid to want his comfort and affections- you had merely slept together a little less than a week ago. Astarion has been quasi avoiding you ever since and when he does talk to you- he’s awkward. You constantly look for flying pigs- Astarion feeling awkward or being awkward is unheard of.

You have come to accept that you were just some tryst and obviously he hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he said he did.

Astarion isn’t to blame and the situation itself certainly didn’t contribute to the sudden lack of emotions. You knew that you were on the verge of a mental collapse sooner rather than later, but you had foolishly hoped you wouldn’t be alone through it. It feels less all consuming when you try to find a reason. It’s more comfortable to know than it is to give up and say, “my brain is fucked and there isn’t a damn thing I can do so I guess I’m stuck here.”

You are jolted out of your thoughts by another knock on your tent.

“I’m sick,” you say flatly.

“Ha- you act like that will deter me. I can’t even get sick, Darling.”

Before you even have time to register that Astarion is on the other side of your tent- he pushes his way through the flaps and stares down at you in confusion. And… concern?

Astarion steps inside and kneels down next to you- scanning you for evidence of illness or injury.

“I suppose I had been worried for nothing,” he smiles sweetly at you, “you are totally fine. Come on Darling, you have to get up and eat. Wyll is fumbling with that map.”

You look at him and begin to cry. Astarion’s face lights up with alarm.

“What- what did I do!?”

“Please don’t make me,” you sob, “I just want a break. I’m so tired. I want to lay in this bed forever and never leave, but there is so much to do and it’s paralyzing.”

You continue to cry and you cover yourself with the extra blanket- successfully hiding your face.

“Go away,” you whisper, “I need to be left alone.”

You say it, but you are far from meaning it. You want him to stay- to hold you- but he doesn’t want you so it will only make everything hurt worse once the numbness fades away.

You wait for several moments and then you hear him leave. Your silent cry turns into choked sobs and your body is shaking from the pain you are in. The numbness hurts. The numbness tells you that you shouldn’t be alive.

Maybe you shouldn’t be.

Everyone here would be able to figure it out on their own (eventually) and you would finally be free. Free of your uncomfortable brain, free of your ugly body- free of the expectations of others. You would no longer be holding them back like you are today- like you will again in the future.

You are sure they would temporarily grieve you, but that was the deal with this whole journey. You had all accepted that one of you or all of you could die at any moment. You will just put them in more danger by being here…

You shake the thought from your head, violently- your head is pounding from the growing tension headache and dehydration. The tears eventually stop and you just… well, lay in bed again. You stare blankly at a book over in the corner. You keep trying to convince yourself to get up and read the damn thing- do literally ANYTHING else than just stay here in your bedroll.

Instead, you fall asleep.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You wake up to someone knocking on your tent post. You grumble incoherently, covering your head and you hear your unexpected guest sit down next to you. The smell of food fills the tent and your stomach grumbles.

“You need to eat, my Dear,” Astarion says softly.

You are stunned to hear his voice grace your ears. You slowly pull the blanket down to just below your eyes and look at him. Astarion looks distressed, like he doesn’t want to be here. Why would he? You’re a nuisance.

You sit up gingerly and grab the bowl from him. You manage to give him a lopsided smile.

“Thanks. You don’t need to stay, I will be fine on my own,” you say apathetically, staring into the broth.

“I want to stay,” he says, “if you’ll have me.”

The expression on his face is unreadable, but he seems genuine. You nod, your lips pressed together tightly. You eat as much as you feel like while Astarion studies you.

Usually your anxiety is at an all time high (in maybe one of the better ways) when you are around Astarion- he gives you butterflies, butterflies, and even more butterflies. Usually your heart is racing in his presence, but right now you just feel empty.

“Where is your hairbrush?” Astarion asks.

You frown with confusion, “it’s in my bag, why?”

Astarion gets up and goes over to the bag- digging out a few items. He pulls out a lantern, your hairbrush, and a hair tie. Astarion comes over to you and sits down behind you. You feel him gather up the stray pieces of your hair and get to work.

Astarion runs his fingers through your scalp and your tangled hair- the feeling is soothing and it opens something inside of you. Your body shakes silently with sobs and you feel the worm behind your eyes wiggle as Astarion asks for access. You aren’t sure.

“I want to understand,” Astarion says, “please.”

His voice is so raw and desperate- you swallow thickly before allowing him to explore your current emotional state. The silence in the tent is palpable and you feel tense, uncomfortable even. No one has ever cared for you while you are in this state before.

You feel him continue his hairbrushing after he exits your mind. Astarion leaves soft kisses on your shoulder as he gently pulls apart every knot. It helps- you realize- to feel cared for. The numbness still hurts, you still hurt, but it’s nice to not feel so alone.

After Astarion is done brushing your hair, you feel his delicate fingers begin to intricately braid your hair. You wonder when he learned how to do hair.

“Leon’s daughter, Victoria, used to ask me to braid her hair all the time,” Astarion says in a bittersweet voice as if reading your mind, “I picked it up so that she would stop bugging me about it. She said and I quote, ‘you have the perfect braiding hands!’”

You smile to yourself tenderly, “That’s very kind of you, Star. I am sure she appreciated it as much as I appreciate it now.”

You feel Astarion’s hands falter at your words and you are unsure if you have upset him or not. A pregnant pause occurs before Astarion finally clears his throat and goes back to braiding your hair.

“I’m glad that I can help,” Astarion’s delicate, vulnerable words hang in the air, “I’ve… been worried about you today.”

You feel positively flustered and bad for making him feel that way.

“Oh you don’t need to worry about silly ole me! This happens sometimes” you make your voice chirpier than it needs to be, “This is actually the longest I’ve gone for a long time without this happening. I have theorized that the tadpole might help which is kinda cool- I think?”

You laugh awkwardly- desperate to ease his worry.

“How often does this happen?”

Shit. That was the winning question wasn’t it? Astarion will surely never see you as anything less than broken now.

“I’m not really sure,” your voice comes out in a whisper, “I usually always feel a bit of it all the time, but it’s manageable. I function very well regardless.”

“But this one isn’t manageable and evidently you aren’t functional right now.”

You sigh, “No, it isn’t and no, I’m not.”

“What changed?”

“Nothing,” you say, maybe too harshly, “that’s the part that drives me crazy. Yesterday was incredible- I was on top of the whole world, felt like dancing and screaming from the rooftops, but today!?”

You inhale and hold back the muted scream that wants to fill the air.

“Today,” you hiss, “I don’t even want to deal with any of this shit anymore. I’m so fucking tired. There is too much to fucking do and too many people depending on me. Then everyone gets irritated with me if I ask to push off their problems so I persevere through it despite knowing I’m getting bad again. I’m a giant stinking trash heap that everyone keeps adding more to.”

Astarion finishes braiding your hair and presses your back to his chest, pulling you into him. He puts his arms around your waist and settles his chin and face in between the crook of your neck.

“I just feel like such a nuisance all the time- no matter how hard I push myself to prove I’m not. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I just… went away.”

You both sit there quietly. At some point he had taken one of your hands in his and he was tracing shapes into the back of it with his thumb. Your omission still hangs heavily in the air.

“I wouldn’t be better off,” Astarion says hotly, “I’d be stuck with all these weirdos by myself. That would be truly miserable, Darling.”

You shake your head, a half smile on your face.

“And besides- you are not even close to a nuisance,” Astarion states, leaving a kiss on your cheek, “at least you aren’t in constant need of magical objects to eat or blood to drink. Oh and you don’t require a painstaking amount of searching to prevent you from literally burning everyone alive.

“Oh and did I forget to mention, we have not one, but two women who despise each other and follow hateful Goddesses which was a fun choice for whatever sick bastard twisted our fates this way.”

You laugh breathily, closing your eyes and letting the sound defrost some of your insides.

“What I’m saying is- I think you are the least of everyone’s ‘nuisances’, my Darling,” he says, squeezing you tighter to his chest, “despite how little you think of yourself. We ne- no, I want you to stay. I know everyone else would say the same, but I must emphasize that I would be horribly distraught if you disappeared. Hells I’d even pay to have you resurrected.”

You gasp playfully, your voice falling slightly flat, “You? The most frugal man I have ever met would pay 200 gold coins to ‘Strike thy name from the record’?”

Your impression of Withers gets Astarion to genuinely laugh- the sound vibrating in your chest. You lean into him and he guides you back to laying down. Astarion entangles his legs with yours as he holds you tightly- your faces are mere centimeters apart. You love the way Astarion smells- rosemary, bergamot, and brandy. You wish you could be wrapped up in him forever. You are still in pain- everything still hurts and feels too difficult, but right now it feels a little less heavy.

“I would throw bags of Gold Coins at that corpse out of revenge, my Dear,” he teases, “you couldn’t possibly think I would ever let you rest peacefully in your grave- I would be far too angry with you and unhappy without you to let that happen.”

You lay there and despite yourself, you lean forward and leave butterfly kisses along his cheeks with your lashes. Astarion scrunches up his nose reflexively and smiles at you. You plant a sweet, short kiss on his lips.

“Thank you Astarion- for everything.”

You close your eyes as he traces circles along your lower back. Your eyes begin to droop, and you fall asleep.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you wake up the next morning- you are disappointed to find that you are all alone in your tent. The heavy numbness is still there and you sigh. At least last night made it more bearable.

You look on the side where Astarion had been sleeping and find a note with a bottle attached to it. You pick it up and begin to read.

Tav,

Astarion had asked me about herbs for some relief regarding mental discomforts. I unfortunately don’t know many, but this is a mixture of St. John’s Wort, Valerian Root, and Ashwagandha. Historically, I know these have been used to alleviate emotional and mental pain.

Astarion didn’t tell me why he was asking, but I deduced it was you pretty quickly when he began shooing everyone away from your tent this morning.

I hope this helps- we are all here if you need us. May Silvanus light your path as you navigate this difficult time.

-Halsin

You sit in your own stunned silence for what feels like hours. Halsin knows and he wants to help? Halsin doesn’t think you are screwed or a nuisance? The man barely even knows you!

You are a bit embarrassed, but you can’t help but laugh at the image of Astarion telling everyone to leave you alone.

You open the bottle and a pleasant, earthy smell fills the tent. You drink the mixture (that definitely does not taste anywhere near as pleasant as it smells) and you do feel a slight bit better. Your apathy feels even more tolerable now. You will have to thank Halsin.

You slowly rise from your tent and look around. Everything is packed up neatly in the corner- your clothes from the previous day are folded nicely and you notice all the holes are sewn up.

You jump when someone enters your tent abruptly- the midday sun warming your skin. You turn around and Astarion is smiling at you, but looks nervous.

“I cleaned off your armor and your weapons,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, “I also packed up your stuff- as you can see. We have to start leaving unfortunately, but I’ll help you get on your armor like I usually do- I might still need help with mine though, but I can ask someone else if it’s too much for you right now. Lae’zel and Karlach offered to pack up your tent. Wyll and Shadowheart figured out the map- Wyll is going to be our ‘fearless’ leader for the day. Gale has some food for you to snack on while we travel- which you will be eating, by the way.”

Astarion is looking at you with a vulnerable expression on his face. He plays nervously with the gold coin in his hands.

You can hardly believe what you are hearing.

“Did- did you do all this for me?” You say with disbelief.

You never thought Astarion was capable of smiling shyly until he had admitted to you that you had been his first thinking creature- you certainly never thought you’d see him become shy twice in your presence.

“I did and it wasn’t a nuisance so don’t even begin to worry about that,” He walks over to you, gently cradling your face in his hands, “I hope this is all okay.”

You smile- the first genuine feeling of happiness you’ve felt in the last 24 hours gently sparks in your chest as you stare up at him. You get up on your tiptoes and bridge the gap between your lips.

“Thank you Astarion, this is perfect- you are perfect,” you are crying tears of joy, “this is the kindest gesture anyone has ever made for me. So just, thank you.”

“Of course, Darling,” he says smiling in between kisses, “I won’t let you lose to yourself. We’ll get through this together from now on- no more hiding.”

And for once? You actually believe someone.

-if you guys like this, please let me know if you would want a part two written from Astarion’s perspective.

Update- I did the thing you silly geese

https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticbardlady99/735969926279528448/i-took-all-this-love-i-found-and-i-hope-that-its

Tag-list: @spacebarbarianweird @domainoflostsouls

[copperbadge]

Sam, how did you find your therapist and build such a good working relationship? Every attempt I’ve made at therapy seems to fizzle out after a few months… and no therapist has ever understood the RSD aspect of my ADHD, which makes it all feel a little worse every time I try.

I mean, I think really we're still building it -- I haven't had her more than a couple of months and functionally it's been an every-two-weeks situation most of the time because we keep having to move/cancel. I don't know that I can really speak intelligently to building a relationship with a therapist because this is the first time I've ever done it where I was an adult and in control. As for finding one...

Chicago has a group called Clarity Clinic, which is like a WeWork for mental health professionals -- they offer scheduling, billing, and IT/office space to local people who I think are mostly independent operators otherwise. They have a directory that is highly filterable, so I found my psychiatrist there by filtering to stuff like Adult ADHD and medication management. He's great, but he didn't want to be my therapist and I didn't want him to. When I decided on therapy, I asked him if he knew anyone he could recommend, since he knew what my deal was in terms of personality, behavior, etc.

So he gave me a couple of names of fellow Clarity Clinic folks and I had a look on the website and chose the one that sounded like she'd get on best with me. I think I struck it lucky to be honest -- she's young (compared to me) and has ADHD, and she's very familiar with disability discourse, spoon theory, etc, even fandom to an extent. If I were to go looking today I might look more at therapists who specialize in twice-exceptional individuals, but she's good enough with what I'm aiming at that I don't want to change.

So the best advice I have is if you're being treated for other stuff by someone you trust I'd ask them, but also look for someone experienced with adult ADHD, and I'd look for someone on the younger side who's more likely to be understanding of neurodivergent needs. (I also recommend filtering to queer-friendly therapists if you can; I didn't necessarily need that but it means they're likely to be generally accepting and probably have more liberal politics. With the caveat that in shady places like BetterHealth, "LGBTQIA" counselors are sometimes homophobic creeps with an axe to grind.)

Building the relationship has taken proactivity on my part -- ensuring that I always have an appointment on the books (we book out about six weeks in advance now, because we know one of us will likely need to cancel/rebook at times), making sure that I have either an aim for treatment or at least something to talk about, etc. I think in your case probably having a list of things you want to deal with, so that you can check some boxes up top, might help.

I would definitely open with "I have ADHD and I need help with [aspects of that]; I also have RSD and I need to work with someone who respects that diagnosis and understands how to help with it." I went into mine saying "I have ADHD and I'm also struggling with some really big emotion, so I'm looking for help with those, but also like...I'm not really sure what therapy can offer. I've had some bad experiences in the past but they were all when I was a child, so I'm trying to explore some options." Her reaction was a combination of sympathy and a discussion of the kinds of things we might work on, which helped a great deal.

But yeah, I think it starts with establishing right from the jump what you want and need, and then spending time making sure that you both stay on top of that until you find a rhythm. We're still finding our rhythm, but it's getting easier as I'm learning to be clearer about what I want and more comfortable with being a participant instead of someone therapy just happens to.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hello!

i was wondering if you have any insight or resources about how to tell if you’re audhd?

i’ve known i have adhd for a while (just recently got a diagnosis!) but recently i’m starting to wonder if i might be autistic as well. i know they’re often comirbid, and i heavily relate to a lot of autistic/audhd experiences i see online

my main issue is that i can’t tell if this is just because of symptom overlap or not. i constantly see resources saying that autism and adhd are very similar, with a lot of symptom overlap. recently though, i’ve seen a lot of people say that they’re largely separate, and this overlap is actually a misconception simply because many audhd people don’t realize they have both (does that make sense? i’m not sure how to explain it)

i also have anxiety, which makes things even more confusing. i don’t know how to tell if my social difficulties come from anxiety or something else

any resources or advice is greatly appreciated!!

Hi there,

There’s is a lot of overlap, but Neurodivergent Insights has a very helpful Venn diagram

As you can see there is a lot of overlapping traits. But there are a few differences. I’ll leave the article below so you can check it out:

Here is another article from Medical News Today:

I see it as this: autism is more about communication and ADHD has more to due with focus and attention.

I hope these sources are helpful. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[foggyfanfic]

I think the thing that keeps me hooked on Encanto and Bruno is the implications of a mentally ill person in this setting.

Like he is all but confirmed mentally ill, and it’s not a curse, it’s not a metaphor, it’s not even PTSD or Cinematic Crazy Disorder, he has OCD. He has real person OCD, we know his compulsions and can make pretty good guesses at his triggers and obsessions, it is OCD. In a lot of fantasy we know that surely mental illness must exist, because presumably these people have brains and brains are where mental illness is stored, but we don’t often receive confirmation that it does exist. Even when characters start showing signs of PTSD, mileage varies on accuracy, and it often gets hand waved as normal trauma instead of clearly being a disorder that could potentially require a doctor’s help to treat. They have yet to state in canon that Bruno has OCD, but they put it into the script, they built it into his character, and they didn’t even go for the usual Has to Have Everything Neat and Tidy variety that we see in media, instead they’ve made a point to show his compulsions and generalized anxiety. This isn’t Detective Procedural OCD, it’s Based on My Aunt OCD.

And that more than anything has me thinking about the structure of this society and this family. I find myself writing mentally ill OC’s for this fandom more than for others because it feels more organic in the Encanto verse than it does the Buffy verse. I spend more time wondering about Alma and her family history, does she have a cousin or siblings that are like Bruno, or does she just assume he’s like that because of the magic? It seems obvious to me that the Madrigal family tends toward anxiety disorders, and after the comics I’m more convinced Bruno is autistic as well as having OCD, how long until some doctor comes to town and is like “Oh, hey! You guys all have mental illnesses!”? It’s the 50’s in the movie, so knowledge of this stuff ain’t great, but Mirabel would be 89(?) today, her grandkids might have been diagnosed, her great grandkids would definitely be the right generation to receive a diagnosis. Oof, but we saw when Encanto first came out that some people consider mental illness to be a White Thing, so how does the intersection of racism and colorism affect this? Does the great grand kid that looks like Pepa have an easier time getting anti-anxiety meds than the great grandkid that looks like Félix?

I should actually probably take my ADHD meds or this is going to get long.

I’ve been weaving Adelaide into more stories because she was originally designed as a vehicle for Camilo to have heavily autistic kids and grandkids, but ever since writing Juan I keep thinking about the experiences of two autistic kids in a rural village that doesn’t know what that is yet. And I want to play with that! Like he doesn’t struggle with facial expressions so he would fly under the radar, but she does struggle with proper emoting so she doesn’t. On the other hand, he went through a very showy phase that got him labeled annoying, but she’s a girl, and quiet, and society likes that. He has a good relationship with his family, so he has mentors and friends; but she has a bad relationship with her family so she has a found family and when Bruno comes out of the walls she would cling to him because he is an Adult that is Like Her. His special interest is math and math is useful so he gets plenty of opportunities to play with it, her special interest is stars and that’s cool and all but stars are not a job. How do people in rural 1950’s handle sensory issues? How accepting are people of those with mental illness when they don’t realize that’s why little Romero is like that?

And what about the downsides of untreated mental illness? We see through Bruno how isolating that can be, but I inherited my broken brain from my mother and she has taught me all the ways NOT to handle it. How many people in Encanto are self medicating because they have bipolar disorder and no clue that’s what’s happening? I read that folks with autism or OCD can often get swept up in fundamentalism because the rigid Right vs Wrong world view presses all the right disorder buttons for them. So how many of the most heavily Catholic people in town are mentally ill?

Oh my god and schizophrenia! I read that hallucinations and delusions can often reflect the culture surrounding the person with the disorder. So! In Encanto, a paradise that’s surrounded by a super violent conflict (because this is taking place in Actual Real World Colombia in the mid-20th century), what does that look like? Do they have aural hallucinations where they think they can hear distant sounds of screaming? Do they have delusions that they’re keeping the miracle alive by never letting their candles burn all the way down? How does the culture of the Encanto affect people with schizophrenia?! How are those people treated?!

I know it’s a Disney property, so obviously they’re not going to release a series that does a deep dive into what mental illness in the Encanto looks like but ugh! I have so many questions, do I really have to write all the answers myself?! Rude. I mean, I’m going to do it, if I have the time and energy I am one hundred percent going to write a story about being a mentally ill person in a magic rural village. But still!

Stay tuned for a longer story about Adelaide than I’d ever planned to write, and a stream of consciousness about how Julieta’s gift should affect PTSD. If I get around to it.

[iamacolor]

i'm turning 27 today so I've officially left the "young people group" - bye bye youth prices, my fellow europeans will understand - and I think it's the first time that a new birthday makes me feel really adult (despite not feeling that different from last year) and getting my adhd diagnosis is definitely a reason for that. it's given me such a different outlook and approach to myself (with less shame and sense of inevitability for the things I can't do and more gentleness with myself) and it's giving me more hope for different things in the future. I'm not where I thought I'd be when I was a teenager and 27 seemed so grown-up, neither when it comes to work, money, travelling or where I live or even romantic relationships since there's still nothing on that front lol. While that could be sad I also feel very at peace and also excited to try to things.

I started medication and I'm very happy to feel that it has an effect on me (I had a weird fear that it wouldn't do anything and that it'd prove that I didn't actually have adhd and was just not doing enough even if I knew that wasn't true but it's not that easy to let go of the feeling that it's just a question of effort and will but thankfully that's been proved wrong lol) and that so far there have been no secondary issue except for a slight loss of appetite - it's only been 3 weeks and I'm still in the testing phase where I started with the lowest dose and then I increase it everyweek to see how it goes but I feel much lighter in my brain and more in control even if it doesn't last all day. I shocked myself on one of my days off where I sat down to scroll on my phone and thought oh I should actually start cleaning my room and then I just stood up and did it more thoroughly than I've ever done since I moved in lol. I've even initiated tidying up and reorganising our workshop and cleaning up the machines at work, my manager says I'm in my organising and tidying up era.

I never would've read up about adhd symptoms the different forms of adhd and how it shows up in adults if I hadn't seen a random reblog on this website, back in September I believe, about executive dysfunction that lit up something in my brain because wow there was a word for the thing I was struggling with!! So I guess this is a very long way to say that holding on to this blog for so long was worth it and thank you to everyone here for sharing so many random stuffs, it's cool to think we're all having impact on each other 💜 and this is also to say please educate yourself about the various forms of neurodivergence because I genuinely thought I knew enough about adhd to never even consider it for myself and that what I was struggling with was just a "me problem" so you or someone you know or will know might be neurodivergent in some ways and you can make your life or their lives easier by knowing how to handle it and not to stigmatise either yourself or the people around you 💜

[wonderfulwonderholic]

okay today was a rollercoaster of shit, but I'm feeling okay now.

I definitely catastrophized the assessment results and didn't take a moment to read through them carefully and objectfully after the appointment with the psychologist.

And objectfully???? It's fucking bullshit. I'm getting a second opinion because this lady was so biased against me.

She straight up told me at the beginning of the appointment today that she's tired of people coming in after watching a video on tiktok telling them they have adhd and now the hardest part of her job is telling people they don't.

And she then told me there was a part of the assessment that I did poorly and below average on, but that she doesn't use this test for diagnostic criteria because it "overdiagnses adhd". She just uses it to see if people are faking their symptoms. In my results report it straight up said, "It appears that [Kinoko] did not put forth her best effort while completing this measure."

Y'all I went into this assessment with the mindset of "I'm going to do my absolute best so I get the most accurate diagnosis, even if it isn't adhd. No doing or saying what I think they want to hear. No overexaggerating. Just be honest and try my best."

So to hear that I was dismissed of having these symptoms simply because she thought I was faking it was so fucking upsetting!

I sent the report to my friend and before I could say anything to her she pointed that out and called it "gaslighty"

and I think that's why I absolutely panicked this morning. this lady fucking gaslit me!!! I thought I was going crazy. Maybe I am just lazy. Maybe I am just stupid. Maybe I am just incompitent. Maybe I am just destined to fail. And to be told my life will get easier if I implement a schedule and stick to it???? Bitch I have 6 fucking schedules and daily to-dos in every single room in my apartment and on every electronic device. I promise you that is not the fucking problem.

The fact of the matter is there is so much more research out there about women with adhd and I genuinely don't think this lady is caught up. She saw a 29 year old woman and just assumed that I was making it up because it's the "trendy" thing to do.

OH AND THEN SHE TOLD ME TO FOLLOW UP WITH MY THERAPIST BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER LMAO

y'all

I encountered woman v woman hate today

"you can't possibly have the fidgity boy ailment because u clearly have Bad Woman disease"

I am DEAD

I have so much to unpack in therapy tomorrow omg

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi, I'm a system and have mutliple other disorders. All "cis" if you will. I'm not here to shame anyone but I would genuinely like to know how this makes sense to you? I want to know your persepctive because I don't understand and maybe I can get some more insight from someone else. I feel invalidated when people talk about endogenic and "transsystems" because my disorder is not an aesthetic and I had to go through so much trauma that turned me into who I am today and not in a good way. It's painful and it hurts when I see people making fun of my experience by saying they've acquired their system "naturally" even though that's not how the disorder works (By "making fun of" I mean that's how it feels). It also feels transphobic to hijack trans wording such as "cis" and "trans" even though disorders are different to gender. Gender is a social construct and disorders are just not. They can't go away, they can't change. I can never get my childhood back and I struggle to be able to be myself with my Autism and ADHD, I find it hard to keep relationships from the immense anxiety I've gotten from my CPTSD symptoms and the chronic mistrust I've had to develop to survive. I guess I just want to ask why? Why you believe in these things? It's not that I hate you, I don't, I genuinely want to understand because currently I feel hurt, and upset, and made fun of in a way I've never felt before and I just want to know the logic and reasoning behind this kind of stuff before I make a judgement.

This is an old post, so it's entirely possible you've already made up your mind on these issue now. But either way, I decided I might as well answer now

Personally, I feel these are different subjects.

First...

Disorders Are a Social Construct

Not in the same way as gender or race, mind you.

Rather, disorders are bureaucratic labels tacked onto symptoms. These symptoms may or may not actually be related.

We live in a universe with DID and OSDD-1 are considered separate disorders. But it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe in another universe, they would be the same disorder.

Or, maybe in one universe, DID wouldn't exist and OSDD-1a and 1b would be two separate disorders, with DID just being the comorbidity between these two things.

Maybe your ADHD would actually be branded as a type of autism, or autism could still be considered a classification of Schizophrenia. Many psychiatrists actually dislike the disorder model, and would prefer focusing on individual symptoms instead.

Also, some disorders can go away, and some disorders can change. Well, the diagnosis will still remain, but that's more another matter of the bureaucracy. If you're depressed for two weeks, you get a diagnosis. Then the symptoms can go away for 30 years, but you'll retain that diagnosis forever.

I Think You Can Experience Dysphoria For Anything

The reason I feel how I do on transX identities is because I've seen people in the plural community with memories of living completely different lives. People who feel uncomfortable with every aspect of the body they inhabit.

I've personally felt inadequate for lacking the intelligence and education of my source.

I know some who feel phantom limb-like experiences relating to parts they never had like wings and tails.

And psychologists have acknowledged and researched BIID, where people will feel like they should have a certain physical condition.

And so I totally believe it's possible to have dysphoria for anything, including mental conditions you don't have. It doesn't make rational sense why someone would want certain conditions, but the brain rarely makes rational sense and it would be a mistake to assume it needs to.

Endogenic Systems Are Different

I don't believe endogenic systems are a result of or related to dysphoria at all, outside of transplurals.

I believe endogenic plurality is a naturally occurring condition. We can see this in the ease of which people are able to divide themselves into parts in Internal Family Systems. The autonomy of imaginary friends as children. And the fact that many unrelated cultures around the world have reported nonpathological spiritual possession through history.

Most endogenic plurality isn't people who feel like they need to be plural or feel dysphoric for being a singlet. It's just a different experience that's been largely ignored by psychology until the past decade.

I've been collecting studies on these various phenomena here:

Personally, I find the imaginary friend studies most interesting. In the past, it was assumed that imaginary friends were purely controlled by the child hosts, but more evidence keeps stacking up showing that this isn't the case and that these are natural fully autonomous agents.

These experiences have been ignored by psychiatry for a long time because they just weren't pathological, and they were hidden enough that psychiatry could dismiss them as just pretend or fake.

[rowdyhughesy]

Fighting with Mark Estapa that ends with cuddles

Struggles and cuddling - M.Estapa

I did definitely not take inspiration from myself and how I feel most days even if I take my meds🫡 (just wanna clarify that this doesn’t picture how ADD/ADHD is for everyone. It’s different for everyone, just because this is how my ADHD is some days it doesn’t mean everyone has these issues. It’s very individual so keep that in mind 🤍)

Working on my Drusk request but I haven’t figured out what direction I want to go in yet. hope you like it! ♡

Everyone has bad days, you might think some people never have a day in their life but they do. Today is one of your bad days. Living with ADHD is a daily struggle. Sadly Mark took the blame for the bad day caused by your disorder.

Your brain felt like mush, everything making it go into overdrive. It was harder than usual to separate your feelings and control them. This resulting in the ongoing argument with your boyfriend. You knew that it was your diagnosis making you feel so angry and frustrated. Tears were running down your face as the two of you screamed your irritation out. It had started off as something small, just a simple hint about how you yet again had forgotten about something small he had asked for your help in. The small comment making the time bomb inside you snap.

Mark was pacing back and forth in your living room, yourself standing in place. Hands pressed against the sides of your skull, it felt like war inside. “Just shut up! Please for the love of god can you shut up for a second. I can’t hear myself think.” Your voice is hoarse from all the yelling. Mark stops in his tracks, letting his gaze leave the floor to look up at you. He notices the expression on your face, a mix between frustrated and sad. The small face twitches and how you’re wringing your fingers in front of you and he knows.

“Baby, why didn’t you just tell me that your ADHD is hard today?” Mark looks at you with his big puppy eyes and you feel ashamed. When you first told Mark about your ‘problem’ and all the things he would need to know he assured you time and time again that when it’s harder than usual you would tell him. You didn’t this time. “I don’t know. I’m just so angry at myself today because nothing makes sense and I can’t stop my eyes from twitching cause of all the excess energy. I just want to take a nap but I know I have a lot of things to do but my body just stays frozen and I just want to break something because I get so frustrated.” He doesn’t say anything, opting to just lay down on your bed and opening his arms for you to lay down.

Letting out a defeated sigh you kick your shoes off and lay down on Marks chest. When you’ve settled in he wraps his arms around you, pressing a quick peck on your forehead. “Let’s just lay here for a bit. We can watch your favourite show and just not move until tomorrow. I know it usually helps when you have days like today.” Flashing Mark a small appreciative smile you nuzzle your face against his neck breathing in the smell of his body wash and the faded smell of his cologne.

[epoxyconfetti]

I swear to god...

So I've been stressed out with all my school projects and I've been having massive trouble with executive dysfunction. I finally finally sought professional help, and was instantly diagnosed with ADHD.

I have a family history of heart disease, so they prescribed a few antidepressants and combinations of antidepressants that have effects on ADHD, because the stimulant might be bad if I have a hidden heart problem.

This last one has been horrible. Emotional breakdowns, very bad reactions to the slightest stress (with the stress I'm under now it's been debilitating), bad verbal tics. I finally got them to try a stimulant med that I just started today. I'm already feeling better.

When I expressed my concern that I might not finish one of my final projects, my wife said, "Well, you just need to start earlier, account for setbacks, and plan your time better."

I just stared at her. I reminded her that I got a ADHD diagnosis, and I'm being medicated for it.

"I have a degree in psychology and I taught school for 35 years. I know what ADD looks like. You don't have ADHD, you're just disorganized and lazy."

I counted to 10 very slowly. Then I did it again. Those stupid meds I'm getting off of also make me quick to anger. I left the room without saying anything because I didn't trust myself to speak.

She has a degree from 1974, when all they said was kids were hyperactive and had no treatment. Adult symptoms are different from childhood symptoms.

'just disorganized and lazy'

How many of her students did she misjudge as "Just disorganized and lazy.' Those poor kids.

Hell, poor me.

jesus fucking christ

[thedreadvampy]

my therapist spent today's session making Faces at me about getting an ADHD diagnosis

which

I can honestly say I have never seriously considered the possibility of seeking an ADHD diagnosis but she might not be a billion miles off

I was describing how I get "fizzy bored" where I have no energy or ability to move and nothing holds my attention but I feel like my bones are trying to vibrate out of me with the desire to be Doing Things and she was like 🤔 and I got onto the fact that I often need to be doing 3-4 things at once to ease into focusing on one and she was like 🤨 and then I mentioned how I find it really difficult to start doing things but once I'm in it I'm super focused and she was like 😌 have you considered the possibility of an ADHD diagnosis?

and so I explained that I don't really see the point because even though, unlike EDS and autism, a diagnosis could suggest an actual treatment, I don't really feel like anything I've described is disabling me cause I have the tools to manage it now most of the time and I feel Fizzy Bored WAY less often these days. and she was like 🤨

and I was like yeah to be fair actually I did use to think that about chronic pain, trauma and having shit eyesight and doing something about them did really change my experience. and she was like 😌 and I was like and actually now we mention it the fact that I sometimes for NO REASON AT ALL simply put off doing things even though they would be really easy to do and I want to do them for LITERAL YEARS is maybe. A thing that it might be nice to change if I could. And she was like 🤔 and I was like OH FUCK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GENUINELY CONSIDER THIS POSSIBILITY AREN'T I?

anyway after talking a mile a minute and overrunning by 15 minutes I then got a quarter of a mile away on foot and realised I'd left my glasses on her table. she opened the door I went HEY SPEAKING OF ADHD

[mossgirrrl]

"Stop being so spiky": Childhood, rejection dysphoria, and people pleasing

There are many things that led me to seek an ADHD diagnosis but rejection dysphoria wasn't one of them. It just wasn't something I related to. That was until I heard a girl on TikTok relating her own experience of rejection dysphoria back to the names her family called her when she was being 'difficult' or emotional in childhood. Then it hit me. Mine was "spiky." Fired at me almost daily as a young teenager, you know, when your self-esteem is probably already at an all-time-low; "spiky" was the most common adjective used to describe my general being. When it's occasionally uttered these days, with the same venom as always, it transports me right back into the tight-chested confusion of that lonely child. The loneliness of a child who was unknowingly trapped in a world that routinely misunderstood her facial expressions or tone of voice, and refused to offer kinder social queues. I saw "spiky" flash across my brother's face today when I requested half the slice of cake that he'd cut for me. Something in my tone or on my face must have been 'off' because he silently took offence and, assuming that he hadn't heard me, I requested it again. Unreasonable, of course, to mistake silence for mishearing. Despite these occasions I realise now that, for the most part, I learned to mask. As many girls do; slipping through their safety net only to realise what's happened once they've already dragged themselves a decade or two through adulthood. It wasn't raging hormones or teenage angst that eventually passed, it was the agony of speaking a language no-one else around me did. So I learnt to speak theirs... Kind of. It might be a stretch to say that this masking has led me to putting up with an embarrassing amount of bullshit from romantic interests, but maybe it's not. When faced with apologies or excuses that my gut knows are lies, my brain jumps aboard the gaslighting train and asks, "are you sure you're not spiky for feeling this way?" Sure, it's not normal to lose your grip on reality the second someone changes their tone or rain-checks some plans. But the oxymoron is that, deep down, you know this. And so you bottle it up, time and time again, until you explode into a fit of rage, paranoia, tears, and accusations- seemingly out of the blue. And just for a dollop of extra irony; even if it was originally all in your head, this merry-go-round-from-hell has a way of manifesting your worst fears. My 28th birthday present was an intensified age crisis, and much of that came from mourning 10 years of time wasted, bullets undodged, feelings unexpressed, and marks clawed into closed fists instead of keyed into the paintwork of a certain BMW... All caused by the inability to trust my own emotions. To decipher whether my reactions (or at least the ways that I want to react) are fair or "spiky". So instead; you people please, you say "ok", you walk away quietly rather than advocating for yourself. Or you just don't let yourself get into those situations at all. It's easier to avoid the head-spinning experience of rejection dysphoria by doing just that... Avoiding. The less people you're attached to, the less there are to reject you. Stay busy, keep moving, never let anyone close enough that you'd care if they left or disliked you anyway. It's genius really. Until it happens by accident. And then you push away a chance to shake the loneliness because you never learnt to identify your own emotions- let alone communicate them. Suddenly it all makes sense; the panic attacks because someone hasn't texted you for a while or nights spent sobbing into your pillow because you felt their energy change. Of course, there are other events that probably contributed to the excruciating catch-22 that is a disorganised attachment style. But uncovering the source of my own rejection dysphoria was the last spiky puzzle piece to understanding why even an iota of feeling misunderstood, ignored, or rejected becomes so utterly devastating and isolating. Who knows if I'll ever stop feeling spiky, but I'm one step closer to trying.

[deadlydelicious]

Having ADHD is like driving down a highway with a monkey in your passenger seat.

Let me explain

So I spent like 2 hours with my Nain today, and we got onto the topic of my cousin's (10yr old) pending ADHD diagnosis because, as someone who was diagnosed with dyslexia at age 6 and is current in the thick of getting an adult ADHD diagnosis (most likely AuDHD, but thats a whole other can of worms), I'm frequently the first person most of my mums side of the fam goes to to ask about neurodivergence stuff. My Nain asked me how ADHD might be affecting her, how it worked, how it made this difficult for her.

And after explaining the basics of dopamine deficiency, I came up with a very extended metaphor (because I'm me)

The way i explained ADHD to my 90 year old grandmother was thus; It's like you are driving a car. You are on a highway surrounded by other cars, and you are all driving to the destination that is 'life'. And for a neurotypical, they're in their car, just trundling along, listening to the radio and it’s fine. but for someone with ADHD theres a complication.

There is a monkey in your car.

And the monkey is loud, and erratic, and BORED. they monkey hates the highway because it's just a straight road with nothing but other cars on it. Monkey knows that if you take an exit you'll end up in a town where you can drive past all sorts of interesting things like sweet shops, and tall skyscrapers, and parks, and pedestrians with dogs, and thats all SO much more interesting than the boring A to B highway.

But consciously as the driver, you know that the highway will get you from A to B in 5 minutes, and taking the town detour will take hours AT LEAST (if you don't get fully distracted by the town and forget the highway exists).

But this bloody monkey is BORED, so if you don't have CONSTANT focus and a steel grip on that steering wheel, the monkey is going to take hold of it and start driving you towards and interesting exist, or start screaming, or obscure your vision so bad you have to pull over the car till you can calm it down. And controlling that monkey is EXHAUSTING.

And all the other drivers on the road give you the most pointless advice like 'ok well if you just keep driving straight, it will be ok', like sure, great, doesn't account for the monkey pulling me off track, because THEY DON'T HAVE A MONKEY.

and then another neurodivergent driver comes along and gives you ACTUAL advice like 'oh playing an interesting podcast will distract the monkey. giving him something shiny to play with will keep him occupied while you go past the exit'

which is GREAT,

but keeping control of the monkey on a highway full of drivers without a monkey in the passenger seat can make you feel so overwhelmed.