#still not really feeling any better tho
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hehe ghost-turbo haunting felix au
turbo is connected to the last piece of his code in the whole arcade - a trophy he gifted to felix in mid 80s as a symbol of him genuinely caring about their relationships on par with being the best racer. felix also gave him one of his medals and both kept their gifts next to other rewards, but when roadblasters and turbotime were unplugged, the medal was gone with everything else
now, after burning in cola-lava turbo is basically dead, but scraps of his code still were intertwined with the trophy (after all, it was his first winner's cup, but felix never knew about it), giving turbo an opportunity to exist as a shadow incapable of interacting with anything and anyone besides felix, who kept the trophy even after the roadblasters incident
also I went crazy in tags, feel free to check them out
#turbo#turbotastic#fix it felix jr#80s boyfriends#hammertastic#headcanon about them exchanging their trophies isn't mine but i loved it A LOT#and “darling” is turbo making fun of how felix was calling him in 80s#this hc about “doll” and “darling” pet names also is not mine but i adore it#turbo here is a complete freak who just stays around felix most of the time even when felix has moments with calhoun#and felix is an ass who keeps secrets from everyone bc he doesn't want his dirt to come out#he's ashamed of his previous relationship with turbo and doesn't want anyone to know any details#and calhoun to just know about it#this just gets worse and worse#they also didn't actually break up and were still technically dating when turbo went gamejumping#and he's mad af at felix because he's the reason ppl in the acrade made a boogeyman out of turbo and he couldn't come back#like imagine your bf says to you what you are better than others think of you#and then behind your (presumably dead) back tells everyone that you're just an egocentric maniac#i believe turbo has other reasons why he gamejumped (besides jealousy which took place but wasn't the most important reason)#and felix is an unreliable narrator#so yeah turbo HATES his ass#(but still would-) no im not making it suggestive#anyway i hc that turbo had put A LOT of emotions in this relationship even tho he's bad at this#he tried his best with felix but they were just making each other worse#and turbo while feeling betrayed never really moved on (yes even after 25 years he's PATHETIC)#and felix is just full of regret about everything but he won't admit his mistakes in his relationship with turbo#bc “well he turned out to be a bad person so that automatically makes me in the right about everything”#but felix had made a lot of bad decisions while dating turbo and was just classically ignorant about a ton of things#sorry about this random ass essay in tags i'm done for now#wreck it ralph#wir
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your movie charles art gives me cuteness aggression
obsessed with getting these asks back to back and yet they both hold some truth i think ...... thank you very much everyone ....
#semi-nsft ?? ig ??#xmen#xmen movies#xmen dofp#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#fr thank you - both of you :] !!!!! i do my best to make any and all iterations of charles xavier look lovable#not hard. for me anyway. i have this condition called Perpetual Heart Eyes and it worsens when i see/think of a chara i like#tho im mildly appalled by how much love my movie charles doodles get considering i only really draw him. when you guys mention him vjLAEAEJ#'appalled' is a weird word. Pleasantly Surprised is better i think#BUT AGAIN I DONT MEAN TO thats just how it happens. ig thats also why im happy to hear it. or read it LOL#LIKE I /HAVE/ DRAWN HIM ON MY OWN OF /COURSE/ just. def doesnt feel like that much ... hm ...#tho tbh maybe i do draw mostly in response to asks .... im not getting the hard data on that we're moving on it aint that serious#ANYWAYS. more movie charles to come. hopefully. idk if SOON but hopefully i still have some stuff i wanna draw with him#on that note @ second anon topping him wouldnt fix him or make things better really but itd be fun to watch probably
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will solace being absolutely covered in freckles is so special to me because of how ppl sometimes refer to freckled skin as 'sun-kissed' and smth smth about how apollo really does love his kids and you can physically SEE it on wills skin and sjdkfnskflnjsk
#DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?????#i can feel my brain wanting to be more poetic and artistic about this but alas. maybe something about how even tho the gods cant really#talk or interact with their kids much. at least apollo can still send them his warmth.#yall are better at this than me tho so if anyone wants to elaborate more elegantly. please.#OH and if any of u fuckers say smth about how im romanticizing skin damage im going to fukcing get you#pjo#will solace#trials of apollo#toa#apollo#lester papadopoulos#apollo pjo
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Okay so I still have this....
I fucking feel like a walking virus
#don't worry#ive been to the doctor#several times now actually#also got an ear infection on top of this#which they gave me antibiotics for today#i already have it almost a week#but they wanted to see if went away on its own#of course it didnt#i am taking my rest now#have been home for almost the whole week#still not really feeling any better tho#i hope this thing goes away before christmas#or i might be even too tired to celebrate#im so fucking done#and so tired#also a reason why i havent been online here as mucj#much*#i just cant find the energy#anyway#lets hope the antibiotics help#and i start to feel better soon#also#my ribs hurt an awful lot because im also still coughing#they sadly cant do anything for that tho#me#personal#sick#a cold#me rambling
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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!
((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))
but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS
(and, well. whatever this classifies as)
#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
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i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((
#now im just unable to concentrate on anything and feeling very worthless#ok gonna start rambling here a bit#vent? ->#i'm just not good at anything except drawing. everything is hard and i don't think i'm capable of getting a job and contributing to society#in any way except drawing. my self worth is being held almost entirely by my ability to draw.#but i'm also incredibly slow and unproductive and it's so hard sitting down and starting a drawing and finishing that drawing#drawing is the thing that makes me feel alive and feel good about myself so when i can't draw i just feel really awful#i just wish i could concentrate and work and be productive man. why do i have so much stuff going on in my brain. why is everything so hard#sadge 😔😔#ok gonna try to draw i hope something cool comes out or i'm throwing my computer out the window and playing videogames#oh also another neurologist once told me depression can't be caused by school#i'm pretty sure it can but idk im not a doctor#what is up with these neurologists man#i know it's gonna get better tho. life might suck but i *am* a teenager and it's only gonna go up from here.#im still learning about myself and stuff. also no school next year that's gonna be awesome#don't wanna end on a sad note bc life is good actually#and i'm fucking amazing at drawing
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i fear i am actually not that smart and i need to remember this more often
#camera talks#i just make myself feel really bad for not taking any ap classes this year even tho i know if i did#i probably would have fucking. thing im not supposed to say but yk.#like it was already so stressful#im glad i didnt take any#but also im not top of my class quality and i need to get over that#im middle of the pack etc whatever i just need to get through this#and my sat score honestly sucks#i could have done so much fucking better but i'll probably die before i retake that#and I’m struggling so bad to write this speech it’s not good#I hate school so much#still going to college tho#oopsie this is a vent again#I’m having a day guys
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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It’s hard to put on a bright face, in spite of everything (Patreon)
#Doodles#Flowey#UT#Underfell#Just regular Underfell this time! His interactions with Fellplates!Gaster are fun but it was also a great springboard of thinking of Just He#I've never really considered Underfell!Flowey - I love that he's duplicitous and tragic and terrible <3 So a happy Flowey was just kinda#Fine I guess? Kinda missing his depth tho isn't he?#That's what I thought initially anyway hehe ♪ I think he could definitely hold some lies in his belly still ♫#I think no matter what version you end up with - no matter what stimuli you introduce to him - you're going to end up with Flowey™#He's still just a lost little soul with too much Determination and the ability to use it to his own ends - and he's bored. And he's Tired#Especially of getting killed all the time - that whole Kill or Be Killed thing got old Fast - faster than it did in Undertale anyhow#He's still just a fearful little dust-coward in there <3 And when he loses his ability to come back? Oh I think that'd scare him silly#I don't believe for a second that he'd be any more merciful to the player if he didn't think he'd get something from it#Protection - new things to see or feel - maybe he'd even have something of a capacity to be appreciative that'd be nice#And I do think he'd be genuinely helpful! But I think it'd have a Lot of the same undercurrents as what happens to him in the Genocide run#Depends a lot on the player as well - maybe the kinder you are to other monsters the better he'd behave#But would it be out of fear or cockiness of still surviving haha ♪ I just love when he's the worst! He's my favourite when he's the worst!#I think the big question would be Omega Flowey - I mean. Even someone kind-hearted like Asriel became what he did#And Asgore was willing to give himself up to become a True Monster as well - I just :| I don't think he'd fare well lol#Maybe the rules are different in Underfell I dunno but if the rules are the same-#But then again ♪ I also like it when he has the opportunity to be terrible and then doesn't. For whatever reason - selfish - selfless#He's just my favourite :) And it's fun to imagine him acting differently from the same source/different reasons hehe
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Starting a little collection of times when Rose says/does something cute and silly and you can literally see the hearts coming out of Blanche and Dorothy
#was tempted to add dorothy entering the room behind rose in that first one bc her smile is just so precious <3#but it works better like this overall i feel#the second one is technically cheating bc dorothy is happy about having sophia's box again. but i will count it because this is MY gifset#and i get to decide what goes in it <3#blanche asking 'did you really know that rose?' in the third set is so precious to me <3#as is dorothy saying 'welcome back sweetheart' in the fourth set <3#and rose is always adorable ofc. her face when she rescues fernando is everything to me <3 just look at her!!!#fernando's subplot was sincerely top notch! one of my favourite b-plots!! it's simply too sweet#i still haven't figured out how to use the sharpen tool on photoshop :') so my primary goal for this set was missed i'm afraid#i did have fun choosing the moments and making them tho so i'm counting this as an overall success#and besides any time spent staring at these beautiful ladies is time well spent in my book#they <333#the golden girls#golden wives#feel free to suggest any additions to this collection btw!! i'd love to have others#gifs
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Genuinely curious: how bad did jujutsu kaisen get (i dropped off prettyyyy early but i thought it had potential! And i heard great things about it! But now it's like...hmmm not so good 🗿)
I wouldn’t say it’s completely BOOTY (It’s still pretty decent actually even though I do complain a lot about my grievances that I have with it!) After the Shibuya incident (the arc is fucking amazing btw. Idk how far you’d gotten but the Hidden Inventory was also sick as well!!! Two of the best arcs back to back! Gege was absolutely feeling himself when he wrote these 😭) the writing had definitely begun to noticeably take a nosedive.
I remember Gege often getting sick, resulting in him having to take multiple hiatus after finishing up with Shibuya and it had even gotten to the point where he’d put out rushed chapters (he never used to do this so whenever he’d do so, it was pretty noticeable because his writing had always been pretty entertaining and fairly good (imo) up to this point…) and even incomplete chapters…. (When I first read that very specific, incomplete chapter, I legit thought that it had been drawn that way on purpose??? Like maybe it was drawn in a sketchy way for stylistic purposes! It was pretty cool to me at the time until I’d learned that he just couldn’t finish drawing the chapter and had to put it out as is… then this is where the hiatus had began. Because he’d take a break (great! His health is more important than anything after all) and then come back with half assed chapters from time to time? (I believe all of the breaks definitely effected the momentum that he’d built up for himself tbh. But I’m glad that he put himself first regardless.)
Enemy curse users during both the Colony and the Culling Game arcs felt more like “villains of the week,” over than anything else and were just there to be defeated by the MC’s and to extract little pieces of information at a time. Most of them didn’t even stand out all too much outside of a few. Incidents that took place throughout these two arcs felt completely pointless and added nothing to the story whatsoever. Then there’d be long stretches of time in between the story where important characters like for instance: Megumi and Yuuji, would be absent from the story for unnecessarily long periods of time for no reason at all because Gege’s pacing had begun to take a toll on the writing side of things???
There would be instances where important and genuinely EXCITING things would happen only for the story to go back to feeling like a bunch of nonsense again and then this would become a sort of rinse and repeat type of thing. Don’t even get me started on the Gojo VS Sukuna fight…… both my fucking head and heart still hurts over what happened if I’m being honest because HOLY SHIT, Gege fucking sucks 😭!!! How do you do THIS to such an important character in the series bro. It still doesn’t even feel right like. What was even the fucking POINT of this 3 month long ass fight 😭😭😭!???!? Quite a few other slightly major deaths were poorly executed as well… there’s just…. SO MANY INCONSISTENCIES and plot points that felt as if they were going to MATTER in the end; become important later on, only for them to end up not mattering at all…
The plot is still unfolding but UHHH… Also, depending on how far you’d gotten into reading or watching it, things do become extremely depressing after a certain point in the story like, the characters have not had a good time ever since the students played baseball with each other in that one episode/ manga chapter before ALL of the bullshit started 😭. Everyone is a wreck! Everything is a mess! What is the point!!! JJK is definitely misery porn. It excels in it.
#I’d still rec reading and watching it tho because it really is a fun series#it’s just#I feel like gege is really trying to rush to the ending of jjk rn or some shit because he’s just been writing any damn thing now 😭…#and he is getting his rocks off I just know it!!!#when jjk is good it’s GOOD!!!#the writing has just been pretty all over the place as of lately though#the pacing goes from stagnant to fast then back to stagnant then fast then normal a lot though#but again#these are problems mainly associated with literally everything after the shibuya arc#if you gave it another go you’d see what I mean but it’s not the worst#I feel like gege needs to pace himself better idk if his editors have been getting on his ass or what because I swear to god jjk was not#written so carelessly before#I’m so serious#tkf replies#b1uetrees
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im thinking about possession aftereffects that linebeck experiences immediately after the events of phantom hourglass, so here are bullet points i have down for my own ideas
he’s out cold for roughly five days after the fight. he’s conscious for a bit after being freed, but it doesn’t take long for him to collapse once he’s transported back to the great sea. link finds him when he reaches his ship to see him again (he takes a lifeboat or w/e from tetras ship its a whole thing and not the point) and ends up having to take care of him for those five-ish days.
while he’s out cold, he develops a bad fever, and has a good few physical injures from being possessed; all of his wounds from being possessed manifest as burns, the worst wounds bring cauterized and mostly closed, while smaller ones are still open wounds. the largest wound is a large burn covering most of his back, which is cauterized by the time he passes out, and then there are smaller, still open burns on his upper arms and legs. (the smaller wounds are manageable by link when he follows some medical instructions, [there are some medical books on the ship] the larger one is also manageable, but takes a lot longer to properly heal).
(link asks tetra and her crew to stick around for a while to keep linebeck stabilized while he’s unconscious. when linebeck wakes up, tetra and her crew are good to leave because then linebeck can better report what’s going on, and knows how to handle injuries).
linebeck’s fever persists after he wakes up, and he experiences… pretty much every fever symptom, with especially bad chills and full-body aches. the aches are really bad for the first few days after he wakes up, he’s extremely physically weak and shaky for a while, too. that weakness and shakiness get better with time, but he doesnt go entirely back to normal without actually moving around and doing things to build that strength back up.
he’s delirious and struggles to stay awake for those first few conscious days, too, which makes that weakness and shakiness worse; he struggles to eat and drink water, and struggles to string together thoughts or words to talk to link, and both of them figure out pretty quickly that they’ll have to wait a bit longer before so much as an attempt to coax him out of bed can be made.
beyond existing problems with food, linebeck struggles to keep anything down while he recovers, and becomes ill pretty much every time after he eats anything, so a bucket is kept near his bed. with water, he obviously needs to drink a lot of it considering that he’s feverish, injured, and vomiting frequently, but while he’s sick he has a bit of an irrational fear of water (along with an irrational fear of air and the wind, which makes him hesitant to go outside while he’s sick).
he’s generally pretty irritable, which isn’t particularly new, but it makes him prone to refusing help with certain things. he’s less irritable when tired and just resting. he’s also especially nervous, and despite the overall fatigue, he struggles to sleep for very long while he’s sick, and as said before, is often delirious and even confused when things are bad.
along with the other difficulties eating, linebeck has a hard time swallowing for a bit, and salivates a lot more than normal while he’s sick. he is soooo fucking dehydrated the whole time and that really doesn’t help.
while the weakness and shakiness stays for the entire time he’s sick and even a bit afterwards, for the first few days after he wakes up he’s stiff and also experiences some muscle spasms and numbness in his limbs, and has a hard time keeping his balance the first few times he gets out of bed.
once the sickness clears up fully, linebeck has to still be careful with the scar on his back; it’s sensitive to touch for a while and hurts when exposed to the sun or air for too long and when he stretches his back too far, but eventually just reaches the point where it’s a bit sensitive but is otherwise just a large scar.
obviously he’s also going through the wringer in an emotional and mental illness sense too but those would require a whole new bullet point list.
#ask to tag#loz#legend of zelda#linebeck#phantom hourglass#this kinda just turned into early post ph chapter notes and you know what? i really needed it to be that way actually#post bellumbeck wounds manifest as burns bc i think that purple… ooze? from bellum is like fucking acid#also magic shit yadda yadda bellum burns those he possesses cuz like. melt skin so it fuses to whats touching it. yknow#salty talks#why does tetra’s crew leave when linebeck wakes up? linebeck wants them to leave and he wants to keep secret the fact that he got possessed#hes lucky that link doesnt say anything and lucky that tetra never saw any of it#he uses the story that he just got attacked by bellum and knocked out while link fought bellum#i might just leave his long term bellumbeck aftereffects at. huge burn scar on his back and some fun magic stuff#cuz he does go through all of this shit and survives what is basically literally fucking rabies its a lot of rabies symptoms#its like. mixture of real sickness/disease and Burn Wounds with a dash of. hmm what would he be experiencing as like#his body gets use to actually being in control of itself after that control is forcibly and violently hijacked by something else#also theres just some nasty shit in his blood/body in general which is why he vomits most of the time. get that shit outta here#also this whole scenario is ig a fun reversal since all of ph link is the one who gets injured/sick snd linebeck has to take care of him#so. switch things around. link is Going Through It as well this is DISTRESSING for him but he feels better while talking with linebeck#link being present seriously tipped things in linebecks favor. if he was alone he wouldve still survived. it wouldve fucking sucked tho#wouldve been really really hard but with enough effort and will to live linebeck could survive on his own thats important#seriously considering adding that at his worst he has seizures but i dont know enough abt those rn so maybe layer
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think I've figured out what bugs me so much about Natasha Pulley's work - every female character who could potentially interfere with the ~gay couple~ is portrayed in a negative light
#there's something else about it that bugs me too. like. something about her depiction of history...#i started the kingdoms and im trying to puzzle out why it's not really working for me#also i swear this author KEEPS GIVING HER GAY CHARACTERS WIVES for NO REASON#she literally just wants to portray the wives as bitches#but like. WHY ADD THEM?? WHY MAKE ALICE JOE'S WIFE???#she did that and then immediately went 'well alice is a rapist and a bad mother then!!' like girl. you could have just made them like#co-inhabitants of this house. and not married. and Lily could be related to Joe in some other way if you NEED a kid...#idk. im still bitter about pepperharrow lol where the eofe finally started being treated like a human and not a fucking chess piece#and then killed herself for her husband basically. SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE. THERE WERE A TON OF SOLUTIONS!!#but no. we can't have sweet baby Mori having a wife after he ran away to England to live with his gay lover nooooooo#WHY EVEN MAKE HIM MARRIED JUST SO YOU CAN KILL HIS WIFE OFF. SHE COULD'VE BEEN HIS HOUSEKEEPER OR SMTH#this has gotten away from me. I just don't like it tho.#if there were any female characters that were portrayed positively though and not treated like a Threat to the Gay I'd feel better#but there aren't so far#unless you count the absentee Madeline#the only female character treated well so far is Joe's daughter Lily and she's two
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surprise, bet you weren't expecting THIS
ok but real this is technically just a test. wasn't actually aiming to really make this lmao, but things lined up and i realized this sounded good actually so i was "hmm maybe i should post that." idk if i'll make a video for this so for now just take the audio ig.
VSQx by Hatsune Dan, distributed by Yumeko. Some minor tuning edits by me. Mixing also by me. Original song by wowaka.
#my audio lol#vocaloid#vocaloid cover#utau#utauloid#utauloid cover#utau cover#openutau#nurse robot type t#two faced lovers#wowaka#this is her sherry vb specifically; i wanna do smthn else w/ it but i was testing how she sounded like w/ files i already had#and this was one of the only ones where she actually sounded good 😭😭 maybe the different resamplers and wavtools are a piece of the puzzle#but still i'd need to mess around w/ her maybe. i got her cause i wanna do a specific thing w/ her but we'll see if i ever get there lol#i feel bad ugh i didnt actually do that that much here :'| feels like cheating. but if i keep trying maybe i'll get better some day#i had this vsqx just sitting in my files for a while lol... i have a lot of shit in there honestly that i plan to do stuff w/ but havent#i was actually intending to make a cover of this w/ iku b/c ily her (a slowed version tho b/c the song's sadder slowed imo)#we'll see if that happens tho lolll... rip to all the covers that never actually happen. ugh i dont really like any of my past covers :')#im stubborn so maybe ill figure it out SOMEDAY. but bruh how is it im better at making them swear at each other than like. sing#CAUSE YKNOW SINGING IS THEIR INTENDED PURPOSE. ugh. vsynths got me actin crazy#sorry if the mixing's kinda bad i need to read up on how to do better mixing... tried smthn a lil different here and i think it sounds okay#but who knows. idk
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I was stressed but now i'm more chill and really sleepy...
#overall my mood has been better but i am so incredibly terrified of the future... its like....#like i feel as if someone has holding me at gun point and got told thst if i did any mistakes they would shoot#but then im not given clear instructions on what i need to do and i have to figure it out myself#i am really scared... even tho all of this gave me a new objective... i dont wanna be obsolete...#... so... that what we will work on... also... i wanna work towards my dreams...#I've been putting it off for so long i want to do it#people support me and actually enjoy my voice... i want to...#the things on my plate right now are things i can achieve... but i want more... i want things i actually want...#i want...#my house has a constant buzzing sound. i believe its because of the small power plant behind the lot. which makes it difficult for recording#since i have to get rid of that and that messes with the rest of the audio#its comforting to know it wasnt the mic tho... heh...#tomorrow lets try to take the first few steps... well more like lets try to continue with the set up#we have already a couple stuff but we still have a lot missing...#... today the girls said some stuff that impressed me... thats how im perceived?... is that what people think of me?#i kinda want to... fulfill those 'expectations'... they dont expect anything but its more of a me thing... ive been dreaming and hoping for#so long but i dont take the next step. i never do... and its because of the executive dysfunction... but... once i get the hang of it...#once i do... everything will be excellent... and we will take it easy#i am so tired already... i feel im gonan falla sleep#seari talks
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i literally can't think about life or the future for more than a few seconds without getting so distressed that i shut down. surely this is a good sign for things to come
#true about any aspect of those. personal life. local politics. world disasters etc#i can't focus on one and approach it first bc even that's already too much for me#i was genuinely truly literally not made to be alive. i am not built for this. i shouldn't have survived this long#i feel like an error in the book of fate. like i accidentally dodged the grim reaper for too long#there is too much of me inside my brain. if that makes sense. i am long overdue. etc etc#what is that even called is it still depression at this point 😭😭😭 it's like a whole new thing fr#seriously tho how the fuck does one even get over it. being in a state of mind like that means no therapist would even try working with me#(bc well if i don't think i should be alive how am i supposed to work to get better. esp when i don't see any reason to)#(kinda like a festering wound in a body part that should've been cut off ages ago)#everything feels pointless bc of how shitty the future will be no matter what. like there is truly no hope at all#this isn't pessimism it's just facts. there is no good ending here no matter what. unless you overhaul reality completely#vent#:/ i should probably try to sleep but i'm doing really bad#idk if i'll have nightmares or just a very sad dream like i had last night. i don't seem to have much else going on there in my brain#negative //#sorryyyyyy#i'd ask for help but idk what help to even ask for. what anyone could even offer. like there is no solution or a way to forget it#best i can do is distract myself all the time but that's really hard to do when a lot of what i have going on makes me feel bad too#. rambling in nonsensical ways atp sorry. brain is being mean and stupid
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