#starting to realize how much my abusive relationship fucked me up in regards to my others

[phantasmanatic]

watching my almost 1 1/2 years relationship slowly fall apart bc my partner despises my autistic traits and not being able to tell if

a. i mostly unmasked relatively early on and he’s just hit the point of being fed up with dealing with me

or. b. i masked for like a whole year and now he’s realizing he hates everything abt me bc i finally started to unmask but he feels in too deep to just leave

[deesseshesca]

PAC : How to express your sexual self ? (18+)

I GOT A NEW KINKY DECK BABES !

Good morning pretty soul ! I am so excited ... IS OFFICIALLY KINKTOBER ! DAY : 6-8

A.N.G.E.L soul tribe OR B.A.B.Y. soul tribe FOR EXCLUSVE CONTENT.

Your future lover| SEX Douala =SALE READING

PILE 1 

2 cups (reverse), 3 swords (reverse), 3 pentacles, 4 pentacles 

Y’all are dealing with a partner that sabotages you but they are not the only one. You guys are out here playing super hero saving everyone except for focusing on nurturing your garden. You don’t even have enough in your cup but nah u out here pouring in everybody cups. I do understand that you have children so you need to pour into their cup unconditionally. Since you are outhere saving others but yourself you are drained mentally which has a major impact on your mother/father hood. Your kids deserve the best version of yourself so cut with no second thought anything draining you. 

Stop having sex with them ! Every time your partner wants to get in your good graces they create a sexual tension and all the sudden you forgive all they are wrong doing. You are so damm predictable that they don’t even fucking try changing. Ever since I started pulling card for people, I realize how people are ready to stay in broken relationships because it is not toxic enough to leave. Like the fact that u are always unhappy should be the limit. Nah y’all want to get  beaten on, cheated on or financially abused before calling it a quit. Y’all need to feel completely defeated before standing up for yourself. Such a mindset is so dangerous, especially when u have children. Because you should not accept any kind of abuse before leaving and it shows how low your self worth really is. For y’all specifically, you don’t want to leave your partner,ok , then open your mouth. Express that you have had enough and REQUIRE fucking change. Stop letting yourself down chasing for perfection only you can create. Going to therapy is necessary to work together towards y’all happy ending. Is not going to fall from the sky. Babe you are kissing their neck, sucking on their nipples, caressing their body and giving them the best head while they finish a second time inside u. Great but where is your pleasure? They don’t even try to please you and since you don’t complain they think they are doing an amazing job. Break their bubble, you are worth too much to be suffering in silence. Express yourself + stand on business + put your sexual need first = a PROPER expression of your sexual self allowing you to receive what you need and deserve. 

💌 : Only for this pile if you have issue regarding what exactly is it to expect from your partner or how to be love, you can contact me on Ko-fi, I will give you the extra reading by audio for free. If you wanna know how to build up your sexual confident, you can listen to this which will also unlock extra content.

PILE 2 

10 cups (reverse), queen swords (reverse), 6 pentacles, Strength 

Don’t stay content, I always advise my environment to go after fulfillment. Meaning don’t let just anybody in our sexual energy. Y’all don’t need to be this dark feminine energy to improve your sexual life. You can be approachable and untouchable. Y’all are my charming babe and you have a beautiful warmth about you but you let anybody enjoy it. Sexually you settle for the worst bare minimum because you care a lot about your reputation. Which leads you to embody a more desperate energy because you want to feel accepted so bad. Wanting to feel seen by any kind of community we cherish is normal but ready to do anything to feel accepted is not ok. Losing yourself to achieve a goal that doesn't serve you personally but to keep up a public image is actually crazy. Take a grip ! Is your life. You decide who want to fuck, when and how !You know what you desire as your dream life, so you should only judge yourself upon your own standard. Since it is YOUR life. You are too worried about what people are saying behind your back. Y’all may be in uni and part of Greek life.  In the vision, you're wearing clean white airforces, with white socks, on your knees just in a beautiful white lace push up bra giving head. I’m hearing: ‘’ Mhmmm thx babe … it’s amazing’’ after you slow down. You quickly realize you got fuck over because the person you dealt with did not do any move to have to try to please you orally or even with penetration. Leaving you in a random room with no aftercare. You did not even want to deal with them but you were scared of the rumor that may start if you don’t let them ‘’hit’’. Also you want to build stamina, but to build stamina you must practice. First stand on business regarding the happiness of your sex life. Realize that only you have the power to change that. Realize how powerful you really are, you get to decide if you want to get laid, if you want to give head, if you even want to engage sexually. Stop giving your body away. Second, it is ok to have sexual goals and just like regular goals you must build a plan to reach it. Build a standard in what you search for and a partner and allow yourself to have a FWB or a relationship where the person you are dealing with is in energy to teach you how to have sex. Because you may be the type to cum to quickly and you don’t like that. Standard + Owning your sexual self + finding the right partner = Better expression of your sexual self. 

💌 : You really need to step the fuck out these desperation energy before you created a circle of bad habit which can hinder your quality of life since it will bring self sabotage. Also do not confess your feeling to that looser just because he is the only that has enough balls to come up to you does not mean that he deserve you. You know damm well you deserve better. If you wanna know how to build up your sexual confident, you can listen to this which will also unlock extra content.

PILE 3 

7 pentacles (reverse), queen swords (reverse), 7 cups, 10 cups

Y’all feel the sexiest when you are making money. Is not about beauty maintenance, it is just when your finances are unbalanced you feel unhappy. 

You are confused about the sexual energy poured into yourself. Y'all may have been the ‘’ugly duckling ‘’ growing up and now you have those sexual suitors popping left and right. You had a boob job, nose job, a bbl… anyway you had your worst physical insecurity fix. There’s some shadow work that has to be done around self esteem. Getting surgery in my opinion is a fixing matter regarding a deep issue. Don’t get me worn out babe, I am all in for the vanity (You need to see the length i go to protect my beauty) but when you still feel unfulfilling before fixing everything understand where the problem is really coming from. Otherwise you are going to spend a whole lifetime fixing yourself. I see a graph of exponent function and that’s the representation of your body count. Almost all of them disappoint you sexually. I’m hearing : ‘’ I don’t understand all the obsession around sex and have a lot of it…’’ The reality is that you guys are simulated by the mind. Also don’t feel ashamed of yourself. Sometimes while healing we created a wound chasing after a feeling. You hurt yourself and it is ok you can heal it too. There’s 2 types of people in the world: the body or the mind and it opens a spectrum of each. You guys need to feel safe, loved and seen to experience the big ‘’o’’. You need somebody that lives to learn about you and make it their priority to please you. You need gentle sex, whisper of sweet nothing and the loving embrace to express your equal freely. Shadow work + real love + self forgiveness = Ideal sexual expression.

💌 : Also do not fall for the people that are looking for a savior in love. You guys are amazing lover and would make amazing partner a lot a offer is going to come your way and many of them are going to be codependent and toxic people hiding under innocent mask. Heads up. If you wanna know how to build up your sexual confident, you can listen to this which will also unlock extra content.

PILE 4

10 wands (reverse), 4 cup (reverse), Star (reverse) and queen pentacles (reverse) 

Pile 4, you need to make the time to prioritize yourself. I see somebody sleeping late, waking up late, rushing to get ready, wearing the same outfit, having the worst work ethic (your manager may have flagged you about it), and going back home to an extremely messy home. When all  you really want is  to have enough time in the morning to go to the gym, take good care of your body, do your makeup, wear a beautiful and clean outfit, go after the promotion you deserve  and come back home to a clean house. Y’all cars may also be extremely messy. In your case to feel the sexiest is not just about the looks but how much you pour into yourself. Also need to do some shadow work regarding your body. Y’all may have suffered with ED and you have recently ( 6 months +) recovered fully but you refuse to touch yourself sexually because you don’t love your body. Is not pretty enough. First y’all better go ahead and purchase that sex toy. If you wanted a confirmation … here u have it. Pleasure yourself, enjoy  yourself, look at yourself naked in the mirror. Obviously take baby steps in the journey not to trigger anything but it needs to be done. Since you keep hoping that a special someone is going to come into your life and heal all your sexual habits. Nah babe you need to know yourself to achieve the pleasure you crave and attract the right one, first. Second, nobody likes to be in bed with someone overly insecure because it creates a blockage. Not knowing and learning is good. Having healthy insecurity is part of everyday life . But being as insecure as you are but you in an energy where you will be the worst lover to be with. I’m hearing : ‘’ If I had this…. If I had that…. I would not be like this….’’. Your victim mentality is about to cost you the dream life you deserve. Self love + prioritizing ‘’YOU’’+ saving yourself = the best way to express your sexual self which will help you become the sexiest version of yourself and attract your ideal partner.

💌 : You deserve a partner that is not going to be a shame to pull up with you. Stop falling for the one offering the bare minimum babe you do not have to work for love especially the one with ill intent. So make sure you park them to the left and you focus on loving yourself and never lowering your standard. If you wanna know how to build up your sexual confident, you can listen to this which will also unlock extra content.

[genericpuff]

Idk if my addition will matter.

I've been following Hanza since back when they were making my deepest secret, so I've seen the development of the guy upstairs first hand and how hanza writes it. Even back in the concept stages, it was so blatantly clear that it was supposed to be a thriller/cat mouse vibe where Adam (killer) was horrible and not to be rooted for. They've compared him to irl serial killers and how those guys will often use women as shields to hide their true selves from the public and how that's messed up and bad to do.

They've shown Adam as a horrible irredeemable person and honestly there's little to no nuance with how they handle it, but that makes sense because how else can you handle an audience like what they've gotten without beating them over the head with the facts. How many ways can you outright show your main character despising and wanting to yank their best friend out of the jaws of a murderer before the audience realizes its not foreplay.

I think them going from an actual romance to a fully thriller non romantic story meant that the residual audience expected some kind of messy toxic romance, but Rozy to me has always explicitly read as Queer so idk why people aren't getting the hint.

I get their frustration and it seems like they might be shifting into a potiential issekai romance about a grandad and a middle aged woman who got reincarnated as his grandson's fiance (hard to explain but its hilarious if you want to check it out) without any thriller elements from their recent non comic posts. Whatever they do I hope they can find something to be passionate about again.

your addition VERY MUCH MATTERS actually because I don't read TGU and have very little context to the situation as a whole aside from what I've seen people talking about, which makes me reluctant to speak on it because I don't wanna go spreading misinformation in any regard. So I appreciate you taking the time to lay it all out for me, thank you!!! <3

And yeah, I've seen posts shared in the /r/webtoons sub from other blogs claiming that Hanza was being an awful person for "taking people's money" and "baiting them" into reading a dark romance story when that's very obviously not what it is? Even one excerpt that was literally like-

And I just... since when is any romance plotline that ISN'T abusive and problematic at its core (such as between a serial killer and a victim) considered "super conservative" and "pure"? It's really baffling to me how people have gone so far in the opposite direction of "purity culture" that they've started arguing on behalf of legitimately harmful and toxic relationships. It's extremely concerning especially when you know the majority of people saying this shit are between the ages of 16-21. IDK what the fuck we're doing anymore when it comes to the romance genre (and TGU isn't even a romance ffs).

Aaaand yeah in relation to where the Hanza topic came up, that's really why I'm moving away from WT as an audience and why I don't consider it a "loss" to not use WT anymore. Once upon a time I wished for Time Gate to be a contracted series, for it to have thousands of readers and be my job. But seeing what's going on with Hanza's work just informs me that I'd be dealing with a lot of the same shit - people expecting Uzuki and Mitsuhiro to be the endgame of the romance when they're literally NOT good for each other, which is the POINT. Like sure, unlike the main duo in TGU, they actually are a couple with a 'relationship' but it's not meant to be healthy and the last thing I need are 15 year olds thinking they're "couple goals". If you ship them in fanfic or w/e the fuck that's fine but please don't get mad at me when they don't wind up being the endgame couple, they're both terrible people and make each other worse when they're around each other (・_・;)

Either way yeah, I don't blame Hanza in the slightest for getting so frustrated with it all that they'd rather just be done with it. It sucks for the more loyal and sane part of their audience that the series is gonna be ripped out from under them like that, but at the end of the day if the creator is being harassed and decide they're done as a result of it... why should they have to keep putting up with bullshit just for a comic? I don't even blame Rachel if she was ending LO by choice due to the noise of the fandom, and unlike Rachel, I don't have anything in the slightest against Hanza or their work LOL But I also don't have the full picture on it all so maybe my opinion will change if I find out more about it. I just don't think any of this shit is worth directly harassing a human being over.

That said, can't get any better than someone who's read their work since before TGU, so again, thank you !

[pawberri]

tysm for your posts regarding child safety it's very upsetting how much victims are blamed and how often dangerous behaviour isn't seen as genuine concern just because a bunch of adults decide they don't want to care and that children being on the internet is Bad and Annoying because theyre put in danger rather than focusing on the issues of the internet as it currently exists/how communities form around it and creating real support spaces for victims that arent Just fetishizing of the very trauma theyre struggling with

it gets hard to talk about and feel understood because the "stop caring im not responsible for kids" type of people are so often vocal and praised for that lack of real care your commitment to talking about such and showing Proving genuine focus on how to help those who have been abused is uplifting and very helpful people like you give me hope i will be listened to and cared for, that those who do care are plentiful and just not as loud

ty a hundred, and apologies if this is a lot - feel no pressure to 'answer' such an ask, just intending to express the appreciation

I've been seeing it repeated so much and it's so stressful and frustrating. People generally have given up giving general advice on how not to be raped or abused as an adult because most leftists understand that these problems are so complex there isn't an easy guide to avoiding it. We talk about victim blaming and how much of it is random chance, but somehow people can't apply that same logic to children. They give advice that is basically as useful as "don't wear revealing clothes" and act like it's at all useful. It amazes me how people in the replies of the one post I reblogged are acting like NOT BEING GROOMED somehow makes them experts on grooming. They have no understanding that luck and circumstance play a huge fucking role. If you have never experienced this, never researched it, never cared about it beyond generally disliking pedophiles as a concept, I beg you to fuck off and shut up about how to avoid grooming.

Like look at these comments and imagine someone with the same politics as these people saying it about rape or abusive relationships.

Saying "don't be a target" as if children are the masters of their own fate. Same with saying "my generation knew better!" or "lol just block people" or any other callous, self-assured bullshit. It's like telling someone who got lured into abuse by someone they trusted that they should have just carried pepper spray. It's worthless.

Let me say

1. If you were groomed it was not your fault, even if you put your age in your bio

2. If you were not groomed and did not have your age in your bio, you have not discovered the secret to not getting groomed

3. Many adults can tell when a 32 year old clearly knows absolutely nothing about the adult world, and children are just at an obvious intellectual and expirential disadvantage in keeping up this rouse

4. Pedophilia is not as clear-cut as people think, and many people who would willingly abuse trusting, vulnerable adults would happily move to abusing teenagers. People seeking power will manipulate you if they can, and children are easier to manipulate. Someone might start dating an extremely childlike adult and shrug off the realization they are underage because they don't give a fuck who they're getting their power fix from even if they didn't figure out they were speaking to a child.

5. Adults dating teenagers was and is extremely normalized in many parts of the world (and many subcultures) and no amount of internet privacy was ever going to save us from a broad societal message that pedophilia is just a may december romance or whatever

[calronhunt]

didnt want to be extra annoying and ask this on your art blog so ill settle for just being annoying.. was anything in wac inspired by the life series? like designs or well, anything! discovered ur stuff on youtube and went ooooh and then snooped through all the art i could find and was repeatedly reminded of the sillies that occupy my brain. sorry 2 be weird! ik its the worst question to be asked sorry but its hurting my brain wondering and not knowing

Aw shit ya caught me. I was gonna reveal this fact much later down the line bc ive been kinda open that WAC started out as an AU just not for what. Primarily the reason for secrecy is bc i don't want people to look at this story i put a lot of myself and my experience into and go "I can't believe you tricked me into reading about minecraft men" bc the story has expanded a lot past these intial inspirations.

So before i go into all the inspirations, I wanna make this perfectly clear. WAC's plot is almost completely original, baring some small scenes inspired by events in the Life series and the basic set up. It's a three act story that is mostly about me and my partners problems regarding abuse and personhood. The Life Series au was a starting point and it kinda spiraled out from that lollll.

(Also I saw your other ask and it doesn't bother me at all! Its been something ive wanted to talk about anyway simply bc i find the inspirations funny. Plus I promised myself if someone realized and asked I would talk about it. Also i just love talking about inspiration and seeing how you got from one thing to the next, maybe others would like the same.)

1. "Why are they cats?" This started as an au once again but i felt too embarrassed talking about it publicly as a mcyt au so I gave them cat designs. That's the only reason lol

Lain - Inspired primarily by 3rd life and lim life martyn in regards to both his devotion to the king (ren) and mariner (scott). Lain and Mariner originally started as Majorwood shipping cats but then became more about their unhealthy power dynamics and two people being stuck together it spiraled into what we have now! Especially since I believe Martyn killed Jimmy (Canary) in 3rd life? Or at least scott accuses him as such so that's where that came from.

Mariner - 3rd/lim life scott! His obsession with the sea, his name, his relationship to Canary, his ties to Lain, and his design is pulled from scott. That's about all that's similar now though. His personality is completely different. Hes a shitty fuckinh dude.

Canary - 3rd life Jimmy Solidarity but like fucking barely and just bc hes married to mariner (flower husbands). Took his name from the fandom calling him a canary because he always dies first and that's basically it. Also worked with the bird name theme i was starting to go with

The King - 3rd life ren but again fucking BARELY except for his relationship with Lain and being a king and trying to conquer shit. That's like. It.

Condor - he's just mr good times with scar. Hes like, the closest to his mcyt counterpart probably and im not even sorry. Took primarily from 3rd life and lim life once again though in regards to his relationship with Crane (Cleo), Warbler (bdubs), and Scout (Etho) (and also the fact the group is called the flock is a cheeky callback to the family being called the clockers)

Crane - stated above, Cleo, but only bc shes mom in the clockers family. Nothing else.

Warbler - limlife bdubs but again fucking BARELY. I think the bdubs skin is the most i drew on for her design with the fucked up eye and teeth.

Grouse - mr 3rd life grian. Dating condor because desert duo and feeling indebted to him for that as well. And just. Generally little guy vibes.

Scout - etho. Just for chill vibes. Dating Crabe because hes "dad" in lim life and dating Wolf (Joel) bc of double life halfslab.

Wolf - Primarily last life joel with the living alone in the woods thing and joel just being a like. Maniac in the life series with the murders and such. Dating scout again bc of double life. The her having canary's skull thing is just for my friend who is a big fucked up smallidarity shipper.

Sycamore, coal, and aster are original characters i made specifically for the story.

I would again like to state that the story is BARELY tied to things that happen in the life series, and its mostly my personal experiences and silly thoughts. The silly minecraft men were just the jumping off point and all of their arcs are original so there ya go <3

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

They Should Have Never Given You the Word “Queerbait”

It’s been 5 years and I’m still thinking about this, so now I am going to vent a bit. I hate when there is a Black female protagonist who is queer coded and seemingly in a slow burn setting, and the viewers flag it as queerbait and disengage.

I feel like I have seen so many shows where people can take a character who is never even suggestively queer and nit pick even the smallest glimmers to validate reading them as such and they will be able to ship and create and support all of the ways this is a queer character and trust the writers to possibly give more. 

But, when there are Black women in these areas, it falls down as soon as they aren’t given overt displays of wlw actions. I said its been 5 years, because I’m specifically thinking about Kiss Me First, but I also want to hit on Crazyhead, while I’m here because I feel like it got paid the same treatment in this regard. And both of those shows had such good writing, and as a Black queer woman WITH mental illness, both of these characters spoke to me and seeing them have potential for love stories for wlw stories was so rewarding, only to see the journey get bashed and the shows get cancelled. 

So. Let me talk a minute. Starting with Kiss Me First.  If you haven’t already watched it, you probably aren’t going to, so I’m not sparing potential “spoilers,” as I’ve said, its been 5 years.

Kiss Me First centers around this dynamic of an orphan, Leila, who recently lost her mom and is getting attached to a woman, Tess, that she met in this computer universe, who she also has befriended irl. Leila and Tess start off with some mystery, as you can’t tell what Tess’ intentions are for this woman, but you see very early on that Leila doesn’t necessarily trust people that are in Tess’ life. When Leila realizes that the person who Tess seems to care about the most is a dangerous and manipulative person, she does everything that she can to protect her.

The criticisms of the show were that people were “queerbaited” with the relationship between them because of the romantic and sexual relationships that these characters had with men and not with each other...

This is what is frustrating to me: So much of this series is realistic, INCLUDING the story arcs where these women are in relationships with men that don’t really serve them best. Real life queer people frequently have relationships with partners that they don’t really belong with before finding the love that they had been seeking. But, the moment it happens in media, especially with a Black woman, it is unbearable for audiences. They gotta see her eating box, or it ain’t real.

And it’s aggravating, because there is this fairy tale happening in which Leila literally is on a quest to save Tess. She knows that this guy is dangerous and her entire goal becomes making sure she rescues Tess from him. He lifts Tess on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the most important person, but he is actually an abuser and preying upon this group that idolizes him, so Leila spends episodes working to get Tess out of his grasp.

In the end, they aren’t IN a queer relationship, but she has absolutely freed Tess and Tess is helping her to escape being framed by the enemy. They are “friends,” but if you have a queer eye, and are not racist, you’d be able to see that this is and was the entire time a fucking love story between these two women! If anything, they tossed in some dudes for the straights to pay attention. I’m livid every time somebody suggests that Kiss Me First is queerbait. To you, but not my Black, gay, bipolar ass. I loved it. I wanted to see them flourish. I wanted to be given the payoff, yes. But, I loved being able to see a beautiful love story between two fucked up people who were side by side at the end.

This happened in Crazyhead, as well.

Raquel is a target for an apocalypse and do you know how Amy saved her and the world? By telling her she loved her and giving her a kiss that brought her back from the brink of destruction...

Now... I will admit, the writers did a “no homo” type thing at the end... but the homo in me seen the homo in thee, so I wasn’t bothered by that. 

I just think that it is an unfair measurement, to expect everything to be served up for you in order to support representation, and not being able to detect subtext or to envision the potential coding shows a huge amount of privilege. I adore the fact that so much queer content as of late gets spoonfed to you, but I also enjoy a slow burn, and it’s not right that Black queer women rarely get one because you give up if there’s not an automatic tonguing and huge declarations. And in the cases of these two shows, there were very clear expressions of love and several moments of intimacy, but I guess they needed to trib for true love. 

Anyways, I love Kiss Me First and Crazyhead, and I consider them representation FOR ME. 

[garbinge]

A Hole In A Shoe

Steve Murphy x Murphy!F!Reader (Murphy Sister Reader from this fic) Javi Peña x Murphy!F!Reader A/N: The way I started this August Challenge with this crew and just expected it to be a stand alone one shot..lol. This is just the next installment, have one more written and who knows where it'll go! lol. Word Count: 2.2k Warnings: Drunk, drinking, mentions of exes and proposals, trashing of apartments (could be considered semi-abusive relationship), cursing.  Narcos Taglist: @drabbles-mc @justreblogginfics @narcolini

“I need you to pick me up.” Your voice slurred into the payphone in the bar. 

“It’s like 12:30 in the morning over there.” Steve’s voice was raspy. He wiped his eyes in an attempt to wake up and process you on the other line. 

“Okay well, the bartender took my keys so it’s either I walk back to my hotel on the fuckin’ highway or you come and get me because you’re the only person I know in Miami.” 

Steve let out a sigh. “I’m not in Miami, kid.” 

If you weren’t drunk you would have clocked the stress in his voice, maybe even have realized he was stressfully rubbing his temples with his hand as his arm rested on his knee but you were blissfully unaware. 

“Okay sorry, I forgot that your house is in Hialeah, same shit though, can you just get me.” You let out a hiccup at the end of your sentence. 

“No, I’m back in Colombia.” 

Now you heard the stress in his voice. 

“I literally just saw you.” You were confused, and despite being drunk this was something that would have thrown you for a loop regardless. 

“Yea, I got called back in last minute and figured since I dropped you off at the airport this morning, I didn’t need to update you yet. Which– why aren’t you home? Why are you still in Miami?”

Fuck. You didn’t think that part through. 

“I canceled my flight.” You said in a whisper worried about his response. 

“The one I paid for?” Steve was now fully awake. 

“Scheduled it for later.” You danced around the topic. 

“How later?” Steve’s voice just got more annoyed. 

“A month from now.” 

“Jesus Christ.” Steve was now standing up in his small apartment in Colombia, moving towards his dresser like he was able to just get dressed and come down to pick you up. 

As he approached the dresser he saw the picture of him and his family tucked behind the wood and in front of the mirror. The photo included 5 of you. Your mom, your dad, Steve, you and Connie. You were snugged up next to her, Connie had become a close friend to you, Steve was happy about that, with all the issues your parents caused regarding his job, the last thing he needed was more drama. But that was who you were, you were kind, you were easy going, you were annoying but all out of good reason. 

What would Connie do? 

That was the thought running through Steve’s head. He wanted to reprimand you but he knew she would have cut you slack. Figured out what was really going on. 

“Why’d you do that?” His voice was trying, there was still frustration there but he was trying to understand. 

“I don’t think I can go home.” You were now starting to get teary eyed and crying in a bar in Miami at 12:30AM was not on your to-do list. 

“I thought you hated Miami?” Steve questioned, still staring at the picture of him and his family. 

“Not as much as I hate New York, I guess.” You sniffled, making sure your tears didn’t make it down your cheek. 

Steve knew exactly what you were talking about, he didn’t need to ask. It was a guy. Not just any guy, but the guy who had proposed to you, the guy you told no and decided to trash your apartment. There was likely more details there that Steve wasn’t privy too, but he didn’t need to know anything more. 

“Let me call you a ride.” Steve was now thinking of what to do in this very moment for you. “You can stay at my place for the time being, the keys inside the flower box on the left side.” 

“I don’t think I’ll remember that.” You chuckled closing your eyes and resting it against the wall the payphone was attached to. 

“I’ll call you at the hotel tomorrow. Let me get you a ride. Where are you?” Steve smiled. 

“Better Days Bar.” 

“Fitting.” Steve actually let out a laugh this time. “Alright, drink some water, I’ll have a ride for you in 30 minutes.” 

“Thanks big brother.” You let out a sigh as the relief left your body. 

You didn’t realize who your brother was sending. You figured he’d call you a cab, call the hotel’s car service, maybe even one of Connie’s friends, but not Javier Peña. If you had known, maybe you wouldn’t have convinced the bartender to keep serving you. 

The alcohol now had you dancing, luckily you were still a good few minutes away from getting up on the bar and you’d take that win right now. 

As your name rolled off his tongue you froze, you knew the voice, even only having heard it once. As you turned, you smiled, taking the embarrassment with stride. 

“Care for a drink, Peña?” 

“Think I’m supposed to be your DD.” He smirked. 

Fuck, had you not noticed that smirk before? No, you did, the alcohol in your system was just making the thought a lot less harder to push aside. 

Somehow you agreed to walk out of the bar with him. But you weren’t just ready to get in the car you assumed he rented during his time down in Miami. At some point you made a break for the beach which was right across from the bar. You weren’t sure how Steve did it, beaches and bars within walking distance? It was a dream. Maybe Miami wasn’t so bad after all. 

Javi caught up with you, calling after you in a flustered panic. The last thing he needed was to lose you or accidentally let you drown in the ocean. Neither was going to be the conversation he wanted to have with Steve. 

Just as Javi reached you, your body lost all balance, it didn’t help that the sand was tough to navigate even for a person who didn’t have practically the entirety of a tequila bottle in their system. Javi caught you, his arms quick to wrap around you and steady you. 

“It’s these damn shoes.” You looked down to your feet, Javi still holding you in his grip. You let out a gasp which caused Javi to hold you tighter and look down where your gaze was. He was expecting to see a broken bone, blood, something from the stumble but was left confused when he saw nothing. 

“There’s a hole in my shoe.” You lifted your leg up and shook it in the air. 

“Yea, they’re sandals.” He stood behind you now, arms still steadying you, his eyes frowning at your comment. 

“Oh.” You let out a hiccup, you were really drunk, those last few drinks after your call to Steve really putting you over the edge. 

Javi plopped you down on the sand and took a seat next to you. He knew there was no chance of getting you back to the car right now, so he’d just chat with you until you sobered up just enough to want to go home. 

“Why are you here?” You turned to him, eyes glossy staring at him. 

He was reaching in his pocket for a smoke, bringing it up to his mouth before answering making his voice muffled. “Steve called me.”  

“I know that. I mean in Miami. You didn’t get called down last minute.” You dug your sandals into the sand. 

“Steve didn’t get called down, he volunteered. I enjoy my vacation time.” Javi immediately regretted sharing that piece of information. He didn’t know how you were going to take it and if it was going to be taken badly, he hoped you’d be too drunk to remember tomorrow. 

“Kid can’t sit still.” You shook your head, not mad or honestly shocked. 

“Kid?” Javi raised his eyebrows and let out a chuckle that exhaled smoke out of his mouth. 

“It’s what he calls me.” You laughed back. 

“Why are you here?” Javi asked, hoping the conversation would sober you up as time went by. 

“Don’t really feel like going home.” You shook your head, thinking about New York made you want to throw up. 

“What’s your plan?” Javi asked passing you the cigarette. As you took it in your hand, you waved around you to signal what your thoughts were. “Right.” He nodded and leaned forward, letting his arms rest on his knees. 

“You’re not sore on the eyes, you know that, Peña?” You changed the subject as you looked over at him through the smoke of the cigarette. 

The laugh he let out was one of disbelief, the last thing he expected you to say was that. 

“Thanks I think.” He took the bud of the cigarette back taking one last drag of it. 

“Oh, it’s a compliment.” You laughed and changed the topic again. “You watch out for my brother?” 

It was a more serious comment, you did worry. 

“He doesn’t need a babysitter.” Javi switched into his DEA mode quickly like he was talking to someone he worked with. 

“Never said he did. I just wanna make sure that if you’re the one he’s out on the field with you’ve got his back.”  You didn’t stop staring at him. 

Javi’s shoulders slumped as he took in who he was talking to, who you were, what you’d have to do if something took a turn. 

“Yea I’ve got his back.” He nodded and started playing with the sand. 

The silence was deafening, at least for Javi. For you, you were in your own drunk world that was slowly starting to level out since you weren’t feeding your body more alcohol at the moment. The waves of the Atlantic ocean crashing into the sand mixed with the bustling of the city behind you filled both of your ears. For you, it brought you peace, but for Javi it did the opposite. 

“You know you’re not too sore on the eyes either.” Javi filled the silence between you. 

Your stomach rumbled from the laugh you let out. You were not expecting Javi to say anything of the sorts. Especially after you had just discussed your brother. 

“I’ve dated men like you before Javi.” Your statement could have been taken with a pointedness to it, but you were giddy, you weren’t giving him attitude or a negative demeanor. 

“Men like me? Like what?” He asked, now intrigued. 

“Men who flirt with everyone, disconnected from connection, don’t know love, probably never want to know it, hate being alone but spend most nights lonely, despite who's in your bed– never want to settle down, want me to go on?” For being drunk, you thought you hit the nail on the head with that.

“From what I hear you don’t want to settle down either.” Javi responded back quickly, not taking anytime to ruminate on what you had said. 

“Steve’s got a big mouth.” You turned to look at the ocean. Unlike Javi, you couldn’t brush off the comment that easily. “Yea, I said no. And you know what that fucker did? Trashed my shit.” Your anger began bubbling. 

“See what wanting to settle down does to a man?” Javi teased you and the humor of it actually brought you down a few levels. 

“My parents, they told me to tell him I made a mistake. Beg him to take me back. They think I need a man to take care of me, like I haven’t been on my own since I was 16.” Your head shook. 

“What’d Steve say?” Javi was curious but also, he was trying to change your point of view. 

“That if he ever sees that asshole again he’s gonna throw him off a balcony.” You huffed. 

“Why a balcony?” Javi was intrigued. 

“Because he threw the electric typewriter Steve got me off ours.” 

“You write?” Javi was learning a lot about you. 

“I do.” You nodded with a smile. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Javi. This little knight and shining armor routine doesn’t make you a chapter in my memoir.” 

“How long you in Miami for?” He asked starting to stand up and shake the sand off himself, he looked down at you extending a hand out to you. 

“Not sure, I can push my flight credits out 2 more times.” Grabbing his hand, he pulled you up and now you two were standing dangerously close. Javi wouldn’t cross that line. Not the line of you being Steve’s little sister, but the one of taking advantage of you since you were drunk. 

“I’ve got  4 days, if you’re up for it, maybe we can work on some crazy adventure that’ll make it in your memoir.” His hand was still attached to yours as you stood in front of each other. 

You thought about it for a few beats as you stared at him. He wasn’t sore on the eyes, you were so right about that. Would it be the worst thing if you had a little fun, you deserved it, right? No strings, no stress, no worry of proposals and things getting trashed. 

“Well it just so happens you caught me when my schedule is completely free, Peña.” 

“Well then, let’s have us an adventure.” 

[1yyyyyy1]

don't know if you're taking a break on this blog, but your posts have helped me a lot and there is – ironically, i am sure some would say – something comforting in your writing and in the ways you express yourself. you have mentioned multiple times about your decision to remove from your life women who do not add anything to it. my question is: regarding relationships with women (platonic or not), how do you deal with loneliness?

i have always been a very introverted person, partially because i always knew there was something wrong with this world, even before i could name it. the more i grow, though, and the more i learn, my loneliness grows with me. it really does feel sometimes like we're the only ones in the fucking planet. the chances of us meeting one another are almost insignificant. i always knew men were empty but now i have to admit to myself that also every woman i know, see and talk to is a walking corpse. i am not interested in romance (i am a lesbian but too fucked up about sex itself and its implications), but part of me still wants friendship, in a way that my younger self did not.

is this also a thing you feel, from time to time? something you have encountered before?

As always, I am happy to know that my writing is helpful or even comforting in some way :) I know that these are some heavy topics I talk about on my blog and proving that they are not necessarily hopeless is what I care about. I am not on a break right now and I have actually been writing a lot lately, it's just that none of it is enough to wrap up even a single answer and I have been very frustrated by that. I'm still working on answering the messages in my inbox, even if it is something that was sent to me months ago, so please be patient with me.

Regarding loneliness, the truth would be that I'm a very solitary person and I tolerate loneliness or even isolation extremely well, to the point where I'm hesitant to give advice on how to deal with it to someone who is only slightly more sociable. I would be lying if I said that coming to certain realizations about women did not make me feel alienated at first because it did, and I used to be heavily bothered by the fact that the number of women who I had the potential to get along with was much smaller than I had anticipated, but ultimately I felt great relief after allowing myself to recognize that most women were harmful for me to be around and that I no longer had to pressure myself into socializing with them. The more pressing issue I was dealing with at the time was a "certain" ideology making me feel like I was stuck up or bigoted for wanting to distance myself from something that was clearly damaging to me, especially anything that involved obvious abuse and coercion. "Stuck up" for maintaining boundaries, figure that... Shutting down this line of thought alone was enough for me to start getting better and to move on to building connections that were actually productive for me.

I think that dealing with loneliness starts with discerning whether it is a temporary thing for you or a personal quality. You already mention being introverted, but I would take it even further and really allow myself to consider that it could be a genuine preference. Being confident in your introversion is a big deal because I know how unwell the world can make you feel for not being outgoing and how much people pathologize it! I myself used to wonder if my reclusiveness was some kind of trauma response that would go away once I met the right company and was more at peace with myself, which made me feel and act desperate when I look back at it. Nowadays I get a lot of positive interactions on here and I am on much better terms even with people in real life because I no longer get as frustrated by their worldview, but I still find myself in my own company more often than not because not being overtly social is where I am at my best.

With that said, I would not be where I'm at without my current friend circle and I genuinely attribute my mental stability to the friends I've made over the past year. I used to feel extremely unheard and alienated due to my fringe worldview and, having met like-minded people, this kind of isolation is just not something I struggle with anymore. To answer your actual question, I resolved my loneliness by making friends online and by recognizing that my social needs are met through less outgoing activities, like playing multiplayer games or curating an online blog; I was not going to figure this out without acknowledging that I am as reserved as I have always thought myself to be first, which is why I mention making peace with your introversion in the previous paragraph. Even if you end up being discontent with anything other than a long-term real-life friendship, talking to people online is still a good starting point that will give you a general idea for what it is like to be around someone with a similar outlook. I did feel infinitely better after connecting with like-minded women on social media (actually messaging them and interacting with their posts, not just reading or liking them) and it is one thing I recommend doing.

How weak or strong your sense of isolation is really depends on how far you are into coming to terms with the reality of this world's dynamics and there is a very high chance that you will be inconsolable at first, even with the right people in your life. I remember feeling down well into newfound friendships simply because such a major worldview shift was a lot to take in and I suggest not giving up on building connections with people even if it feels like nothing is working out for you. All in all, I choose to build friendships with like-minded women on the internet while maintaining more impersonal contact (professional or otherwise) in real life and I prefer to keep it that way.

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko Ch1. Replay 4

The fact she calls out to her mom when she is the one person who isn't gonna figure out a calm way to deal with this hurts, ouch. Even amongst all the hatred she has for her mom she still trusts her.

This line always stuck with me because of how insane it reads on the outside. She's 9! A whole 9! She's an infant what do you mean old! I guess it shows her toxic environment meant she was never allowed to act like a child and is bitter about it.

Hurts to read this. Clearly, they want to stop Rosa's abuse but don't know how. It's easy to judge them as cowards but realistically what can they do? Yell at Rosa who will then take it out on Maria more?

Honestly living on that island seems like abuser heaven so at least Jessica's parents aren't the worst, comparatively speaking. She has very limited contact with the outside world and every exit is very tightly controlled.

Setting up the "who gave Maria the umbrella" mystery I see Kanon!

It's really hard to not read Maria as autistic me, with her taking orders very literally, her word repetition, and her hyper fixation on magic stuff. Just makes the way Rosa blames her for getting bullied and not having friends even more horrific.

Kumasawa laughing at the prank she helped pull, lol

idk battler It could be the worst day of my life but if I'm getting a 5-star meal I'm mowing that down happily

It's a bit sad how clearly Battler holds Kyrie in high regard and obviously does kind of consider her family even if he denies it considering that Kyrie fucking hates him

I am using the Umineko Project version of Umineko, and you know, the console sprites for Umineko are a lot more varied than the 07th mod would led you to believe (not that I am criticizing them, I am sure there were technical reasons as to why they had to be removed) there are some with Eva holding her unfolded fan that I didn't screen earlier too)

Nanjo going along with the script and getting jumped on by everyone lol

Wow, way to talk about your child Rosa

Oh here is the portrait I was talking about earlier, also everyone's tune immediately flip flops about the letter when they realized its beneficial to getting money lmfao

It's kinda cute how much Jessica tries to prove she really is the one who hates her parents the most when she probably has the best relationship with her parents out of the cousins

Yeah yaeh you are so mature and understanding than your cousins George, not like you are the one most willing to cut off your parents when their money or status obsession gets in the way of your goals or anything

Doesn't work as well for a game where the opponent isn't really trying to win and doesn't always do the most logical moves, does it?

Kyrie's correct though, if they had simply asked her on her terms who Beatrice is from the start (Something along the lines of who was Beatrice possessing) she probably would have answered!

Well, it's more like she realized you were the best one to get the information she wanted, but you do love her too much to consider that.

He's so fucking scared of Kyrie and he should be, to be honest! Though it's partly your fault she's like this.

This is also probably R07's way of telling you to look at the heart and not just the murder mystery!

Obviously, Natsuhi doesn't believe this because she knows Kinzo is dead, though I wonder if she thinks this was s will he left to the servants or something?

i wanna punt this man

I think Natsuhi and Jessica is probably the only parent/child relationship in the game that probably would heal itself with time... they both understand what is going wrong but aren't sure how to fix it, and I think with Jessica going out of her parent's house soon she probably would have been able to understand her mother more and makeup once they saw each other again... it makes me a bit sad to think about how the tragedy made it impossible for that to happen.

I'm already crying fuck. They are both extending their hand to the other. They are making steps towards repairing their relationship! And it's all getting destroyed!

I wonder how many times conversations like this happened in reality. Genji trying to convince Yasu to allow themselves to live their life normally but Yasu thinking that they aren't worthy of that, and feeling deeply guilty when they did interact with others...

I wonder if George has ever really tried to engage with Shannon's own interests, knowledge, and likes, instead of just assuming because she is a servant that everything he tells her is new and exciting to her

[vizthedatum]

I feel gross for being in love with my most recent ex-partner. I let a lot of things slide because I was smitten. I told them they were the best partner I had because I thought that the attention they gave me was the attention I wanted.

They didn’t seek to understand me, and when they were upset - they made accusatory “you” statements upon my character.

They also thought that my chronic illness’s effect of me getting tired or needing to change plans was an example of my actions not matching with my words (or “over promising but underdelivering”).

They did a lot for me but I thought they wanted to? I didn’t realize there was an emotional power play thing going on - and I don’t think they understood how I was trying to do stuff for them or show my love.

The first couple months of the relationship (before we became partners) were weird - it seemed like we had intense chemistry and feelings, but I also felt studied. And I also felt like I was just a fantasy to them - I didn’t meet their other partner until the day we became partners (we are poly). They told me they would have no hesitation being partners with me in late June (I remember because my ears started ringing, and there was a party in their backyard that day), they told me they loved me back in early July, and then in mid-July, they clarified saying they “weren’t in love with me.” I freaked out. It was so completely rude.

They played semantic games the whole time.

—

There were weird poly things that I didn’t really like or appreciate, and THE WHOLE POINT OF WHY I DO POLYAMORY IS SO WE CAN ALL BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I would only find out about big poly things after the fact (like the method and timing of which they were going to get their best friend pregnant via unprotected sex and not during her ovulation period (wtf?!), the very valid health reason why they and their other partner were fluid bonded (which they broke with me - and to be frank, I don’t think they understand the health toll of how they perform sex with other people on the concept of fluid-bonding - I think they like to stay ignorant about a lot of things, and more).

And well, the disrespect with regards to my potential pregnancy (still awaiting ultrasound to confirm either way) was just the stupidest thing. It completely wore me down, and it was the penultimate breaking point of the relationship.

I was in agony, and they just kept emotionally invalidating me while saying they did everything right.

To top it off, their other partner suddenly changed the poly dynamic, I broke up with them, and they started telling people that my breakup with them was a “loss of their autonomy.” What?!

Before I blocked them, they lashed out at me with hateful messages - fully knowing that I could be pregnant (well they never thought/felt I was anyway - and this was confirmed) and I was having massive physical symptoms and I was scared of miscarrying. It didn’t matter to them. It didn’t matter to them that I have been through trauma or that I’ve been through lots of abusive partners and parents yelling at me - they did it anyway because they felt like they had a right to. I blocked them soon after.

—

Was I faultless? No, but I took accountability as much as I could - I tried to understand their point of view, while they really couldn’t for me.

—

After I told them I was blocking them and blocked them, they sent me random creepy calendar invites, messaged my girlfriend, and tried to offer “caretaking” if I would teach them violin.

Why the fuck would I want their caretaking if we weren’t partners AND if I didn’t want to be friends?

Yeah I’m disabled but I’m not desperate to get help by someone like that. Believe it or not, I’ve made it this far in life - and I’ve been able to manage, with or without help. Yes, I’ve had help from friends but that’s part of life.

—

Wtf was I thinking?

Why did I get so swept up?

I gave them a lot of benefit of the doubt. I praised them constantly.

I really loved them.

It’s not like I couldn’t get laid by someone else or date someone else.

I guess I thought they could step up.

I really really really CRAVED spending time with them - I think it was unhealthy. I think it was because of my previous trauma-wiring: I find emotionally unavailable people attractive.

—

I deserved a lot more respect. I deserved empathy. I deserved to be prioritized.

[dogpelts-art]

trigger warning: sexual assault (child sexual assault, animal child rape, grooming), mass harassment, zoophilia mention, beastiality mention, sexual nudity mention, self destructive behaviours

thank you everyone who sincerely wished for me to get help! fortunately i am already engaged with several therapists. i am thankful to the select few people who reached out & let me talk through everything with them, and helped me realize what was going on. this all led to me being able to speak about it with my support system and start working through my years of online exposure, break out of the cycle of harmful sexual behavior towards myself, learn to unpack why i felt the need to continue that unhealthy cycle and work on understanding the long term effects of animal on child rape, CSA, grooming, etc had on my hypersexuality, online presence and relationships.

turns out being dehumanized through years of sexual abuse and portraying those feelings by drawing yourself as a dog being sexually tortured is not normal behavior! crazy

trying to explore these very complex feelings through art ended with me, once again, exposing myself, my past trauma and my body to others. this is a vicious cycle and i now know just how dangerous, common, yet unspoken about the victimization cycle is for survivors of csa. this is why i won’t be apologizing for fleeing. it was the safest thing for me to do, not just because of some angry people on twitter, but from actual predators i was engaged with. i was in no state to speak up about everything considering all this entails.

in regards to the one zoophile i followed, they had ΘΔζ in their display name. from my understanding the first two are therian symbols (?) and i assumed the third was too. i assure you i shared the shock everyone else had when i realized what it actually meant. taking the time to actually look through shit & when i saw that person fantasizing about committing beastiality in their tweets, the realization hit that i was interacting with people who might’ve been harming real animals, it made me sick to my fucking stomach and thankfully changed my entire view on the situation. you are of course free to believe what you want, but i personally think it’s fucking insane that because of this mistake i am being made out to be someone who “actively endorses animal cruelty and rape”. i can promise you i’d have offed myself long ago if that was the case. i am horrified enough at myself for engaging in feral art at any point in my life but please know i do not align at all with people who wish harm or sexual acts on animals.

as much as i believe i was influenced during all this, i certainly did make decisions to make situations worse, including an attempt to make money, and i take full responsibility for that. i am sincerely sorry for any harm caused. none of this should have happened in the first place and it shouldn't have spiraled so far.

to reiterate and make clear: my art was not real and was not intended to represent reality. it was not meant to represent any harm or sexual acts being done to actual animals. it was not made to encourage zoophilia or acts of beastiality, nor did it represent my personal feelings towards animals. everything depicted was a character meant to represent parts of myself and used as a way to express feelings of dehumanization and to reclaim traumatic experiences. i am now of the understanding it was entirely wrong, and was unintentionally used by zoophiles. i am extremely sorry.

i promise you i have heard quite literally every variation of threat or disparage you could possibly make towards me. i wish to say that you are valid in your anger, however, all i ask is no other people get harassed. i have never and will never encourage hate speech of any kind, no matter what side you’re on.

the original callout itself inherently caused further harm to myself and others. i beg you to stop sending minors explicit porn and directing them to nsfw accounts. no drama is worth endangering more people.

i am putting hard limits on my future online presence and i simply won’t be further engaging with the furry community. however, art is something i am still passionate about and is my main source of income, so i am working on making that a safe activity for myself. my social media will be monitored with help from my disability support workers to help me with my muted fear response and lack of perception concerning safety & danger. i will not be personally interacting or messaging anyone, simply just using my platform to post illustrations. i am focusing on recovery, and you can choose to respect that or not. i know the harassment is something i will just have to live with, but know i will try not to be engaging with it for my own safety.

—

if you’ve experienced any form of sexual assault as a child, please know you have a higher risk of revictimization. protect yourself. learn from my mistakes. access resources, speak to trusted adults. follow your gut. being led to seeing yourself as an inhuman animal and object can be incredibly dangerous. you don’t deserve to feel that way. don’t let people treat you as such.

for those of you who are genuinely trying to do the right thing and need an outlet for your anger — rather than doxxing, threatening and sending mass harrassment to already at risk individuals, i encourage you to utilize your time, skill sets and donations to support your local animal welfare officers. consider joining animal protection forces. report evidence of occurring animal abuse to authorities.

thanks for reading.

[ao3feed-destiel-02]

Help Me Change

Help Me Change https://ift.tt/Lz6osNJ by N0t_M00se Follows Dean starting in season 13 as he mourns Cas, realizes he's bisexual, and tries to break from the confines of the labels that have always been placed on him. He also struggles with his own self worth and PTSD regarding uh...pretty much everything ever involving protecting Sam. Mostly canon compliant and loosely following 13.01 to the end of the series episode by episode with my own little sprinkles of extra sad dialogue for my sick enjoyment. Healthy dose of angst -content warnings will be added in the notes before every chapter. (Sorry for so many tags, I'm used to talking in them on tumblr rip) Words: 13621, Chapters: 2/?, Language: English Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: Mature Warnings: Major Character Death Categories: M/M Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Crowley/Dean Winchester Additional Tags: castiel/crowley/dean only hinted at, this is destiel first and foremost, Angst with a Happy Ending, Suicidal Dean Winchester, only in thoughts at first but if you've seen season 13 well...you know, Post-Canon Fix-It, Canon Compliant, except for the ending of course, I do rewatch episodes and loosely stick to them chapter by chapter though, it's mostly the same just with more dean angst and more in your face destiel, Castiel Can See Souls (Supernatural), Repressed Bisexual Dean Winchester, but not in the way you think, Abusive John Winchester, Dean Winchester's Season 13 Widower Arc, will add more tags as they come up, but if i can work up the courage they will fuck, Eventual Smut, And it will be, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has BPD | Borderline Personality Disorder, not a plot point but i have it too and i claim him and thats how i write him so, Dean Winchester Has PTSD, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Castiel Can Hear Longing (Supernatural) via AO3 works tagged 'Castiel/Dean Winchester' https://ift.tt/TdhSnWo October 12, 2024 at 06:18PM

[baasphemous]

Some irl updates;

Been a while since I updated here. Last chatter input I saw I was still kicking around gender and names and whatnot. Been a really wild ride since the last time I updated. Sometimes I don't know why I update here, but it feels like a place without character limits I can babble out my thoughts, and I feel like despite my activity levels some folks use this place to keep tabs on me, so!

Been using the name love/lovell and i do indeed enjoy it. Been working on trying to get funds together to go for another name change because fuck it honestly. I need to do what makes me happy. Which kind of leads me to another update. My relationship has kind of shuffled around? It is a weird situation I guess for monogamous folks, but essentially over the course of a lot of therapy sessions I realized I no longer had romantic feelings for one of my partners (jack), and that those feelings haven't been there for a while now. We plan to still be platonic life partners unless they change their mind (as I am letting them lead the charge on what changes—quite frankly I have loved them like this for a long time so not much on my side changes outside of title and their awareness). My only romantic partner now is andy.

In regards to this, all that I ask is that you don't reach out to bother jack about this because they're trying to cope with the rejection they're feeling. I also hope that you'll reserve judgement on jack, as anyone that knows them knows they're one of the sweetest people you could know (and you'd know how fucked up their crazy mother is and the number it did on them). I'm not sure it's a "break up," but I am also not sure what else to call it. I would say it's amicable, but also I know jack is still struggling with their own feelings on the matter. In addition I feel like it's time I was frank about my own thoughts to others instead of trying to cover it up? I dunno, it feels so complex at the end of the day because you can't just send out a memo informing folks of a relationship change, so I guess people who know where to look will find this and figure it out. Additionally I guess doesn't look too different from the outside, anyway? I dunno.

It sucks, and I've been coping with the grief of it as well as trying to navigate new dynamics. This whole thing sort of unraveled the way it did because I realized the amount of parenting that andy and I have done over the years for jack and how unhealthy that is for us all as a whole. How they kind of used our relationship to prevent exploring themself outside of us, but also using their trauma within our relationship as a way to keep andy and i at an arms distance, even after being with us for a decade. A manufactured safe zone, more or less. And in that way, it was a realization that andy and i needed to pull back because we were enabling jack to play out old relationship dynamics. Also to be honest, we were also being set up in unwinnable situations by jack that made outsiders and friends start safety checking them for fear that we were being abusive, when in reality it was a kind of manipulation that jack was putting on. Again, I don't think it was on purpose, I just think that the amount of unobserved/unprocessed trauma on jack's behalf (and to some degree andy and i's as well) was the cause of it all. Historically Jack's therapists haven't cared for andy and i, and it's not been until jack started seeing the therapist we see that that began to change, and that (for better or worse) jack began to touch all that trauma that's been balled up in their body for many years (probably because my therapist plays hardball and doesn't let folks just skate past their problems). The therapist already knows us so she doesn't take jack at face value when they are making judgements on us based on their feelings, which has been a blessing. There have been times where jack will take a situation and skew it with how they feel in a way that makes andy and I look terrible because they're pretty blind to the support we give and only feel the negatives, which, as you can imagine, is pretty hard to navigate socially when people have the expectation that you're being abusive to someone who seems helpless and wounded. It also makes it hard to navigate with jack because it does hurt my feelings when i give so much love and support only to have jack grip the one perceived slight in all the offerings i give with white knuckles like it is the only thing I give.

It's been a lot. But I am proud of us. It's rough right now because we are going through an adjustment period of jack trying to get a handle on themself, but this is the most effort i have seen them put toward their mental health in a very long time. I am happy to see movement. I am happy to see them finally start working through the shit that's been holding them back, and regardless of whether or not we try to return to a romantic dynamic, I am happy to see them uncover who they are beneath all the trauma that's been dictating their life. I have loved every version of them I have known and I don't plan on changing that even if we aren't romantic partners. And I know that that's a hard thing for them to understand right now, but it doesn't make it any less true. I want what's best for them at the end of the day. I want them to be happy where they are instead of living up to some status quo and basing their entire treatment off the possibility that we will somehow transcend this years in the making dynamic has not been helpful. If I didn't advocate for this I would be irresponsible as a partner to allow them to be trapped in old cycles and continue to endlessly self flagellate.

Weirdly, finally admitting this all has helped me and andy put in the distance I needed to with jack, and it feels as if it's been beneficial as a whole for us. Again it isn't meant meanly, but I have more spoons for other things because they aren't being used to manage jack on the daily. I feel more relief and less like I am playing out my own fucked up dynamics I learned growing up (contributing to the least functional amid the family unit without question or consideration for my own needs). I have found I feel closer with andy? It's strange. But I guess that's the beauty of being polyam: many loves. And those loves don't have to be just romantic ones. I just hope we all come out on the other side closer and healthier, because again I'd hate to maintain something for the sake of having it and not for everyone's benefit.

Anyway, I guess again if you got this far give me a hell yeah brother.

[easy-revenge]

Hii

So many people are calling Himeno a groomer and pedophile. What are your thoughts?

hellooo

oof.

ive seen the hate and slander for himeno on all platforms first hand. let me get some things out of the way first:

i do not defend himeno, nor her actions regarding denji. there is no defending that. it is what it is.

i can speak more on what ppl target her for though, bc i think its interesting.

(DISCLAIMER: opinions, in this case mine. no one has to agree with me. i have a lot to say but if you're not willing to listen and don't care about my pov, kindly move past this post. thank u)

the vast majority of ppl hating her that ive seen and/or interacted with online always find a way to get aki involved into the conversation. that's bullshit and i wanna speak on it before i touch on anything else.

aki is around 22 years old.

there is a tiktok here from one of my fav creators breaking that one down since a lot of ppl misread his introduction scene and thought he was 19:

with that said and done, there is nothing weird about aki and himeno whatsoever (ive seen ppl hate her for getting him into smoking which, ig fair, but lets be real for a sec and realize that even not knowing the spoilers, its pretty safe to assume that lung cancer is not what's gonna take them out). aki was around 19 when they met, which makes him a minor, but there was no hints whatsoever about himeno liking him until later on.

she didn't "watch him grow up" or "groom" him. she is in love with him in the present, when they are both of age. she knows aki has feelings for makima and doesn't cross any boundaries as we see both her and aki are comfortable being close with each other and initiating contact.

with the aki bullshit done, let's go back to the real thing: denji.

again, what himeno did to denji is inexcusable. there is no way around it. the fact that she was drunk doesn't serve as an excuse bc she still very much is the adult in the room and should've been more responsible.

i want to however talk about the terminology.

groomer.

a groomer is someone who builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

^ this is copy pasted from a dictionary. ring a bell? yes, that's literally makima.

himeno on the other hand did none of those things to denji. her offering him a kiss was more of a joke than anything else (plus she didn't know he was 16 back then) and she never had an ulterior motive for getting close to him.

im actually fairly certain that ppl call her a groomer more regarding aki than denji bc aki is the one she's known for a longer time and has had an effect on. i won't go back into this. utter bullshit. aki is not a child and himeno is not manipulating him. next.

the pedophile allegation is a bit of a rougher one to talk about. himeno initiated this playful flirting with denji at the start of the eternity devil arc, not knowing his age. she said explicitly right after that she "loves teasing boys" which implies that it was more a joke than anything else and considering that we proceed to get numerous flashbacks that let us know how deep her relationship with aki is and how genuine her feelings for him are, we can safely assume she does not give a fuck about denji.

the actual act that brought on the "pedophile" term happens when she is drunk. this, again, does not excuse her but i think can speak volumes about her state of mind. we know she gets extra flirty when she drinks and by the time the kiss happens she's tried to outdrink makima which means she's literally hammered. she is also drunk, significantly less but still, when she finds out denji's age. we know she is present enough for that info bc she remembers it the next morning when she brings it up, but again i dont think processing and comprehending information works just as well when you're half a dozen draft beers in. i dont have something more solid to say about this besides: she was really drunk and made some really bad choices bc she is irresponsible, flawed and generally messy as a person.

i dont feel comfortable calling her a pedophile. it doesn't ring that true to me. i dont think she is genuinely attracted to denji or would want to have sex with him while sober.

she knows it was wrong the next morning and she brings it up. that also shows that sober and with a clear mind she doesn't feel the same way.

the act itself is still horrible and inexcusable, but i think her thought process matters when it comes to assigning terms to her.

at the end of the day, i cant fight the ppl who do call her a pedophile. she did in fact attempt to have a sexual encounter with a minor. end of story. i mostly went into depth about this to talk about the aki thing bc it keeps popping up.

as for me, i choose to not erase her entire character over that one scene and reduce her to what ppl see her as. her arc is very well-written. SHE is very well-written. i keep recycling my words from my other posts but i think she is a perfect reflection of the universe she is in. we know she drinks and numbs everything out. we know the kind of dependency she has when it comes to aki and how it can cloud her judgment. she is very messy as i said and fundamentally flawed. but i loved seeing a broken character.

in a series like csm where denji can get cut in half and get back up to fight, its important for me to have characters like her to make u rly feel the impact of living in a world like this.

also the easy revenge storyline was dope as shit.

that's all about my thoughts on this, ive beem wanting to articulate them for a while, thank u for giving me the chance !!

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[moonctzeny]

Baby

au+trope+prompt game: college!au Jaehyun + fake dating + it’s just so hard not to fall in love with you

pairing: jung jaehyun x fem!reader x asshole!yuta

other members as background characters: yuta, mark, johnny, jungwoo

genre: angst, smut

word count: 9,124

warnings: abusive relationship, toxic behaviour

summary: “When Yuta breaks your heart for the millionth time, you meet Jaehyun, freshly broken up and looking for revenge. You decide to start fake dating to get back on your exes, but your plan takes an unexpected turn. You fall in love.”

a/n: I really don’t like putting yuta in a negative light like that it’s just for the fic’s sake! also I literally used the name Naeun as Jaehyun’s ex because I think it’s SUCH a pretty name, NO correlation whatsoever to any korean celebrity named naeun!

_____________________________________

You knew it was wrong.

Looking through your boyfriend’s, Yuta’s, phone while he took a shower, was the arguably the tackiest thing you have ever done.

He was always distant lately, only seeming to make time for a booty call, and at first, you blamed your hectic schedule. Your major was demanding, to say the least, so when Yuta suggested that you replace your dates with some “quality time” at his dorm, you had no objections. You didn’t know that he also meant ignoring your calls, canceling on you at the last minute to meet up with his frat brothers, and keeping your relationship strictly between four walls and two naked bodies.

The thought of him meaning more to you than you meant for him ate you away. It creeped in your mind while you heard the water running from your shower, and lead your fingertips to tap in the password of his phone.

Opening his messaging app, you recognize his best friends’ icons in a group chat consisting of his frat members. You scrolled up, ignoring the latest massages regarding a party that the frat would be throwing in two weeks. You started to feel guilty, not exactly sure what you were looking for, when you saw your name at the screen.

m0rklee[00:10]: @yutassanhyung, i saw your girl today at the supermarket! why didn’t you tell her about the party next Sunday?

you[00:12]: what girl lol  

m0rklee[00:13]: y/n?? i thought you guys were together?

you[00:12]: nahh

fairyteil[00:15]: eyy @yutassan if you’re done with her i know a couple guys who wanna hit it too

you[00:16]: be my guest haha

you[00:16]: don’t get me wrong she was bad when we met but shit is getting kinda stale

tenoutoften[00:17]: aren’t you on your way to her place lol

you[00:17]: hey hey pussy is pussy

Was that all you were to him? Pussy?

Yuta called you special, he called you yours. He didn’t like it when you were talking to other guys. He ripped your lingerie set because he didn’t want anyone else to ever see you in it but him. And then he dared to go around and call you a fling?

You heard the water stop running and knew you didn’t have much time until you had to face him, the thought alone making you sick.

You didn’t bother to lock his phone again, leaving the chat that made you so upset open. Grabbing your keys and a jacket, you left your place and hoped that Yuta would get the message and get the fuck out of there before you came back.

Your legs walked on their own accord, your memory leading you to the only place where you knew you’d find any sort of comfort. When Johnny opened his door, tears were already streaming down your face. He took the open tequila bottle you were holding and pulled you in for a hug. He smelled like weed and beer, and after hearing the “Is that the pizzas?”, you realized that your best friend wasn’t alone.

You quickly wiped your cheeks and fixed your sex hair that Yuta messed up, trying your best to look presentable. Johnny put a hand on your back and lead you to his living room. Jungwoo, your and Johnny’s friend from high school, was sprawled out on the couch, a little disappointed after seeing that you were, in fact, not the pizzas. Next to him, drowning in a bean bag, was Jaehyun. You didn’t really know him very well other than the fact that he took the same major as Johnny, so you felt a little insecure looking as messy as you did right now. His eyes were red, just like the other men’s, but you could swear his eyelashes looked a little damp.

Jungwoo’s words were muffled by the barbecue chips he was munching away.

“Yoo y/n, I didn’t know you were coming!”

You placed the tequila bottle on the table,

“Yeah, Woo, figured you wanted something to drink”

“Move” Johnny murmured to him, but he only stretched and sighed dramatically, shoving a handful of chips in his mouth.

“I don’t need a drink I need food. I’m hungry and I got the munchies”

Johnny grabbed his ankle and with impressive ease, dragged Jungwoo to the floor. The taller man sat on the couch, on the side next to Jaehyun and you followed his lead, letting a grumpy Jungwoo lean his head on your knees. Taking the lit joint from Jaehyun’s fingers, Johnny turned his attention back on you.

“So tell me chica” he said and took a hit, “who do I have to beat up?”

“Yuta”, you grumbled, “I’m ghosting this motherfucker”

You felt the vibrations on your lap when Jungwoo started talking.

“What did he do this time? Didn’t I tell you not to get involved with stupid frat boys?”

You started petting his hair, the softness comforting under your fingers.

“Apparently I’m not ‘bad’ enough for him anymore” you replied, throwing air quotes and rolling your eyes.

“Whaaaaat” Johnny drew out with a cough after taking a particularly deep inhale from the blunt, “you’re like the baddest bitch I know. Even now, that you’re all puffy from crying and smell like his dick”

You hit his shoulder, almost dropping the joint he was passing to Jungwoo, embarrassed that he would say something like that in front of Jaehyun, an almost stranger to you.

“I don’t know, man” Jungwoo started, and you could hear the smile on his face, “when girls cry it’s kinda hot”

You were contemplating how many hairs of his you should rip out of his scalp when the telecom rang, assumably by the pizza delivery man.

“Saved by the bell”, Jungwoo muttered to himself and got up quickly to open the door. While the youngest paid for the pizzas, Johnny held your hand, a bit guilty for his words earlier. He had a mischievous smirk and kept shifting his gaze between you and Jaehyun, who had been sitting in silence ever since you got here, occasionally smiling at your friends’ teasing.

“Fuck Yuta, man. You should find a nice guy to treat you well and fuck you even better y’know?” he started, and patted his buddy roughly on the back, “Like Jae over here”

Your eyes widened and you instinctively glanced at Jaehyun, ears a deep red and a matching shocked look on his face.

You cleared your throat, “No offense, but, like, aren’t you practically married to this girl-uhhh what’s her name again? Naeun?”

To someone who wasn’t listening to your conversation, it must have seemed like you tased him, or brought up a painful childhood memory, or asked him if he’d be willing to lick a lemon after washing his teeth. He looked away from you, and turned his attention to his nails, ripping a cuticle off in deep concentration. His voice was so quiet when he finally spoke, that you barely heard him. “I broke up with her, actually.. Like, three hours ago”

Guilt washed over you in an instant, not knowing that you scratched a wound so fresh. You wanted to apologize and even ask if you should leave the three alone, when Jungwoo grabbed the Tequila bottle and crashed on the couch clumsily between you and Johnny.

“Fuck love!”, he yelled, “let’s get wasted”

_______________________________________

You stared at the empty José Cuervo bottle rising up and down Johnny’s chest with every one of his snores. He was laid out on his couch, his tall height taking up all of its entirety, leaving Jungwoo passed out on the floor. Jaehyun followed your eyes and smiled at Johnny’s sleeping face, mouth open and tongue spilling out.

After the 4th shot, you found out that Jae was a pretty decent guy. He let you rant about Yuta while your friends were busy trying to see who could eat a large pizza by himself the fastest. You told him all about how you never went on dates anymore, how you looked through his phone after having sex, and the text conversation you found earlier tonight. He listened carefully, without judgment, and after smoking some more of Johnny’s staff, he opened up to you about his relationship with Naeun.

Or rather, how he found her fucking his roommate on his own bed.

You always thought of these two as what they call a ‘power couple’. Valedictorian meets basketball all-star, they graduate and have beautiful babies, while all the rest of us mortals can do is admire from afar. You would have never guessed the toxicity, constant cheating and manipulation that Jaehyun was recounting. You bonded over stories about cancelled dates, emotional distancing and feeling like you’re always the one giving but never receiving. If you were being honest, you would have never expected such emotional depth from a college point guard. He drew you in with his gentleness, and you noticed how different he was from Yuta, who engulfed you with his intensity. You also hated how even now, you were still thinking of him.

Just then, you got his third message for the night:

asshole [03:35]:come on baby don’t ignore mee, me and the guys were just messing around

you [03:36]:stop texting me

you [03:38]:we’re done

You locked your phone, upset and angry, and felt Jaehyun sigh.

“I know I’m falling for her stupid games, but I just want to get back at her y’know? Show her what she’s missing, that type of thing”

You knew exactly what he was talking about. During the past hours, you weighted all the possible ways you could make Yuta regret ever taking you for granted.

He was so charming that he could get laid with anyone he wanted (and probably did, even when you were ‘dating’), but even after what he said to Taeil, you knew that he hated the thought of anyone else fucking you. He wanted your body to be his, without having to deal with the commitment that came with that privilege.

You thought about fucking one of his frat buddies, but that would get you from being called ‘Yuta’s girl’ to ‘ΘΨΩ’s cumslut’, and your self esteem couldn’t take that blow.

Jaehyun’s deep voice interrupted your train of thoughts.

“Maybe Johnny’s right”

“Huh? ”

“You should date me”

You blinked at him twice, not knowing what to reply when you saw him wave his hands frantically in front of his face.

“Fake date me! I mean, you should fake date me. Sorry, the weed’s got me a little fucked up”

At first, the idea seemed crazy. Yes, it would make Yuta furious that you were supposedly fucking one of the hottest guys on campus. Yes, Naeun would get mad that she didn’t have Jaehyun’s constant attention that she so craved anymore. Yes, you two might have revealed your deepest insecurities, opened up your hearts to each other all while sharing a bottle of alcohol, but you had never hanged out together without Johnny being present. You had barely hanged out together, period. But wouldn’t that make it even more believable? Two of Johnny’s best friends break up at the same time, meet up at his house and inevitably end up together. You didn’t share the same major, so you wouldn’t have to put up the act too much at college. And with social media, making a fake relationship believable was easier than ever.

asshole [03:42]: fuck you. you think you can find someone better than me?

Drunk and lacking logic, you agreed on the plan, and gave him your number. You had just finished creating the contact on his phone when he suddenly got up and rushed to the bathroom, facing the consequences of the tequila and weed combo.

You passed out on Johnny’s bean bag and when you woke up on Sunday afternoon, Jaehyun was gone.

———————————————————

You didn’t expect him to text you on Monday, thinking that it was intoxication that gave him the idea of fake dating and made it look brilliant. So when he gave you the address to his dorm, to further discuss your ‘operation’ you were surprised, but determined to succeed.

The plan was simple. You would start tagging each other on your instagram stories, to show people that you were spending time alone. He agreed to pick you up from your lecture on Wednesday, your classes coinciding on neighboring buildings. And for you final act, he’d come with you as your plus one for the frat’s party next Sunday. Mark was nice enough to invite you, after Yuta ‘forgot’ to do it instead, and Naeun, being Taeil’s sister, wouldn’t miss it for the world. It was the perfect opportunity to flaunt your new relationship, all while being on the opponent’s part of the field.

You started off innocently enough. After you and Jaehyun finished brainstorming ideas about the ‘operation’ as he insisted on calling it, he suggested you stay for a movie and some Chinese food. His dorm was cozy, a little messy, maybe, but it fitted his boyish charm. He had a nice collection of vinyls, stating that his favorite one was I. by Cigarettes After Sex. You were a bit taken aback by his love for dreampop and rnb, but the more you got to know him, the more it seemed to fit him nicely. On the wall next to his bed hung a display full of all of his sport trophies. He was known for his basketball skills, but you also saw medals for soccer, track, volleyball. Amongst them all was an English certificate and a spelling bee award. You wondered if he ever felt pressure trying to be so perfect all the time.

The movie was terrible, but Jaehyun managed to entertain you by making silly jokes throughout and mocking the actors’ bad acting. It was the first time you ever saw him crack a joke like that and be willing to contort his handsome features. So much better than the dream boy image he was feigning for everyone, but you didn’t know him well enough to tell him. The movie was halfway done when he picked up his phone and opened a camera app through his Instagram.

“Shouldn’t we take a story? Since we’re together anyways?”

You nodded and scooted closer to him. He was a bit hesitant as he positioned the camera to capture your legs that were touching, a scene from the movie playing in the background. It was a cute picture but nothing indicated that the two of you were more than friends. You pressed the X at the top of the screen to discard the picture, and placed his hand on top of your thigh. You turned around just in time to witness his ears turning into a fuschia pink.

“Is that okay?”

He nodded and regained his cool, taking the picture and tagging you with a red heart next to your username.

A couple hours after leaving his place you texted him, asking if Naeun had replied to his story. He said that unfortunately, the only person who batted an eye was Johnny, replying with a “ 👀 👀 👀 “ .

———————————————————

You met up again the next day, at your apartment this time.

He looked nervous being in a place so foreign to him yet so personal to you, so you decided to turn the lights down to help him relax, insisting that you weren’t trying to seduce him or anything. He laughed at your joke but still looked tense, and you thought that maybe he needed some liquid courage to open up.

“Hey Jae. Want a drink?”

It took him 3 beers to finally loosen up and show you his dimpled grin again. You were sitting on the floor, facing each other and feeling comfortable in the ambience of the room. A Spotify playlist was playing in the background so it would fill up the awkward silence but wouldn’t distract you from your conversation.

“Wait wait wait. So you sleep without a pillowcase?”

“Yeah, didn’t you notice it when you came to my place yesterday?”

“I thought you forgot to do your laundry!”

His laugh was resonating and deep and manly. It made his eyes disappear and his face light up, not that it didn’t anyway - the guy could easily be a skin care ambassador, and you made a mental note to ask him about his moisturizer later.

You followed his gaze to one of your walls. Pictures were filling it up, memories of yourself and your siblings, of your friends from home that you missed, of Johnny and Jungwoo. You felt a little insecure then, comparing them to Jaehyun’s countless medals and awards.

“I’m not good at sports like you, so I have nothing else to hang on my wall”, you laughed awkwardly but he shook his head.

“No, I’m actually jealous of you. Everyone always seems to want to be around you”

“Except Yuta”

“Yuta’s an idiot, then. You are way out of his league anyways.”

You felt yourself turning into a blushing mess and looked for a way to break the awkward silence that followed his comment.

“Wanna share another one?” you asked him, shaking the empty beer bottle on your hand and he nodded. You started getting up when you felt him put a hand on your shoulder and pick up the bottles you had finished up from the table himself. He rinsed them off and put them away to the recycling bag next to your sink, the domesticity of the action making you melt. You watched as he stood on his tiptoes to reach a lager from the top drawer of your fridge, revealing a defined set of abs and two cute dimples on his lower back. You ripped your eyes away immediately, like you were caught doing something illegal, and he walked back to his spot next to you. As soon as he sat down, he groaned and threw his head back.

“The bottle opener was on the kitchen counter. I forgot to bring it”

Without saying a word, you took the beer from his hand and placed the cap in your mouth. It was a party trick that your older brother had taught you when you were 15. After finding a stable indentation on your teeth, you manipulate the rough edges of the cap and pop the beer open. You return the glass bottle to Jaehyun, who’s looking at you incredulously.

“Fuck me, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen”, he breaths out and you feel your whole face burning up. You opened and closed your mouth a couple times, trying to register that someone like him thought you were hot, when you felt your phone vibrating, saving you from further embarrassing yourself.

Johnny’s picture lit up on the screen and you mentally prepared yourself for the following conversation. You and Jaehyun decided against telling anyone about your relationship being fake. It’s not that your best friend wasn’t reliable, but if you told Johnny you had to tell Jungwoo, and Jungwoo doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut to save his life.

“John, what’s up”

“Eyy chica what took you so long?”

You looked at Jaehyun who had leaned back against the pillow of your couch and sipped on the beer you would share.

“Yeah sorry I was a little busy”

“Busy.. with Jaehyun?”

You tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but you were still trying to recover from the previous incident.

“Yeah, he’s here”

“Ohh I see, little y/n can’t get enough of Jae’s slam dunks.. I bet he’s teaching you the bank shot, the opening tip, the double dribble, the fast break, the palming.. he sure is great for a rebound-”

You interrupted him, growing tired of his nonstop basketball innuendos.

“Why did you call me Johnny?”

“Damn, sorry, I just wanted to ask you what you wanted for your birthday”

Shit, you forgot about that.

“Just get me whatever, I don’t care, you know how much I hate celebrating anyways. I’ll get the cake myself, so no surprises”

Jaehyun lifted his brows and waited patiently for your call to end before asking:

“What are we celebrating?”

“It’s my birthday on Friday. I’m going to invite a couple people over and Johnny’s already stressing over it. Don’t worry, though, you don’t have to come”

“How can your boyfriend not come to your birthday party?”

You laugh bitterly.

“Well, it’s not like Yuta came last year. To any of my parties for that matter”

“Well, he must have made up to you somehow? Got you a very special gift or something?”

“If you count eating me out as a gift then yes. It was very rare indeed.”

You took the beer from him and took a sip yourself. You noticed he had his eyes glued on his phone, his expression gloomy.

“Is everything okay?”

He snapped out of it at the sound of your voice and turned his phone screen towards you.

It was Naeun, or rather a post on her instagram account. She had her tongue out in the picture, hugging two guys that were unfamiliar to you. You read the caption.

“One day the loser will realize that the diamond he thinks he’s playing with is actually a rock”

Jaehyun mumbled an apology. I guess he thought that you’d be a bit offended being called a ‘rock’ but you were actually feeling satisfied. Your fake relationship had managed to get her attention, and for Jaehyun’s sake, you wanted to rub it in her face even more.

You opened your camera app and placed your phone on the table next to you. He figured what you wanted to do so he sat up straighter and motioned to his lap. You’d normally be a bit hesitant to sit on him if it wasn’t for the two beers and your determination, that had fired up again due to Naeun’s words. Leaning back a bit, you set up the self-timer and he put his hands on your hips to stabilize you.

You had agreed on turning up the boldness of your pics, so you placed your hands on his neck, right under his jawline. He snaked his hands upwards and wrapped them around your waist, bringing you even closer. His eyes were glossy from the alcohol and he looked at you with an impressive calmness, considering the intimacy of your position. It seemed like he was waiting for something, the ticking of the timer urging you to take things a bit further and he nodded, as if giving you permission. You leaned in, and pressed your lips on the corner of his mouth, like you couldn’t decide on kissing his dimple or his lips.

After hearing the click you climbed down from his lap, and prayed that the photo came out in focus. Your heart couldn’t handle another retake. From the angle of the camera, it seemed like you were a couple in love, sharing a sweet kiss on the lips. You added a cute caption and tagged him, so he could repost it later on his own account.

It hadn’t been 5 minutes before your phone lit up.

yutassan replied to your story: what the fuck?

You smiled triumphantly and showed the message to Jaehyun, who laughed at Yuta’s reaction. He gave you an excuse about some forgotten homework and how it was late and he has to go.

“Remember, I’ll pick you up tomorrow from class, so wait for me”

After he left, you thought about your almost kiss and the dimples of his back for way too long.

——————————————————

You exited the classroom with a growing headache. The lesson today seemed extra boring, and all you could think about was that you had to convince Johnny that it really took just three days for Jaehyun and you to officially start dating.

As promised, the pair waited for you at the end of the hallway, your best friend looking at the two of you expectantly. Jaehyun was a good actor, you thought, as he approached you before you got to reach them, meeting you halfway.

“Hey baby”, he smiled at you, the nickname turning your legs into jelly. He wrapped one arm around your shoulder, and kissed your cheek sweetly, making Johnny coo at the two of you.

“I can’t believe that I hadn’t thought about pairing the two of you together earlier”

He must have thought that the awkward body language and the silence that fell was a sign from you and Jae to leave you alone. He excused himself, saying something about “letting the young lovers swim in the pool of their love”, or something along those lines.

The two of you walked together, following the road to your next class that was just a few buildings away.

“So how has class, baby

You rolled your eyes at the insistent nickname, “you know that Johnny left us, like, 5 minutes ago, right?”

“Let me enjoy itttt”, he whined, “Naeun never let me call her anything like that”

“Why is that?”

He looked at his feet moving and frowned in thought.

“She said I was embarrassing her in front of her friends. I think she just didn’t want other guys to know that we were together”

You felt a pang of sadness and you realized that it always followed any conversation you two had about his and Naeun’s relationship.

“Well then if you call me baby, I can will you honey. Or sugarplum. Or pumpkin pie. Or-“

It was startling how fast Jaehyun pressed you up against the wall. In just a moment, he had put his hands on your waist, burying his face in your hair. You shivered when you felt his breath as he spoke against your neck.

“Yuta’s watching us”

All you could do was stay frozen in place, and listen with wide eyes.

“Huh?”

He chuckled at your response, but he replied patiently.

“Yuta? Your ex? He’s right over there. Figured we should give him a show”

And with that, he kissed you. Everything was happening so fast, that you could barely comprehend that Jaehyun, that was a stranger in the past weekend, was now making out with you at the hall, for everyone to see.

And that included Yuta.

You opened your eyes in the kiss and searched for him, spotting him with his frat buddies. His eyes were piercing through the two of you, and you saw Mark holding him back by the shoulder. The look on his face was priceless.

Jaehyun pulled back and you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“Thank you”, you whispered, “but I need one more favor”

“Anything baby”

“Slap my ass as we walk away”

Sure enough, Jaehyun took your hand and you continue your walk, momentarily stopping to make eye contact with Yuta and give you a little spank. It was something your ex loved doing on the rare occasion you two met up outside of your dorms, no matter how public the setting. You heard Mark yelling something at his ‘Yuta hyung’ and that’s when you thought, your plan just might work.

———————————————————

You didn’t see Jaehyun until your birthday. It was just a small get together, but your place was starting to get a bit crowded as time went by. Johnny had been suffocating you with hugs ever since he got there, reminiscing the time you met as teenagers and calling you an old lady. Jungwoo on the other hand couldn’t stop asking about Jaehyun. You kept making excuses about how he didn’t feel so good today and might not make it. You didn’t expect him to come, of course. Just because you had agreed on fake dating, it didn’t mean that he had any obligation to be present in all your social events. The loving message he left on your Facebook wall was enough to fulfill the purpose of your current relationship.

That is why, when you heard a knock on your door, the last thing you thought you’d see was Jaehyun holding a dozen of red roses.

“Happy birthday baby!”, he exclaimed and gave you a kiss on your cheek,

“I asked Johnny about your favorite flowers, hope we got it right”

Feeling speechless, you took the roses from his hands and inhaled their sweet scent. You were dumbfounded that he actually came, and even brought you a present. You thanked him for coming, and he repeated the same thing he said back at your place, “how could your boyfriend miss your birthday?”

And even you were fooled, momentarily, when he held you by the waist later that night and sang you happy birthday. You blew your candles and all you could wish for was a love like the one Jaehyun was faking for you. He helped you clean up, and was more than willing to socialize with all of your friends. You admired how well he fitted in your social circle, already friends with Johnny and Jungwoo, yet so nice that even people he met for the first time came to love him.

You were sitting on one of your dining chairs, your two best friends already passed out on your couch. They had brought two bottles of vodka and your favorite tequila, but you weren’t in the mood to drink. You couldn’t help but remember the time when you practically begged Yuta to be there on your special day and he still missed it. You were scared that if you got a little drunk you would text him, or worse, call him, his sweet talk bringing you back to him all over again.

The only sounds resonating through your apartment were Jungwoo’s light snoring and a chill Spotify playlist playing from your laptop. A familiar tune came on, and you recognized it being ‘Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby’ by Cigarettes After Sex. You immediately looked at Jaehyun, the only conscious person still at the party other than you. He threw his head back and sighed contently at the sound of his favorite song. You saw him get up and walk over to you, reaching his hand out.

“Will the birthday girl spare me a dance?”

You slow danced in the middle of your living room, ending the night in the sweetest note. Jaehyun always felt so stable, so safe. You wondered how he got himself tangled up in that mess of a relationship with Naeun. Maybe it was the way he treated people with such kindness, void of any prejudice. Maybe he was a little bit like you, and didn’t think he deserved much.

“She’s crazy” you mumble against his chest, his confused hum making you feel the vibration on your face.

“Naeun. She’s crazy for ever cheating on someone like you. You’re perfect”

“I have my flaws”

You thought about how competitive he got when you played beer pong earlier, how his ears get red when he gets embarrassed, how he shows his dimpled smile in apology when he’s late. His love for drinking and how it makes him more honest, his trust in people that must have gotten him hurt many, many times. You liked them all, you loved them all.

“It’s just so hard for someone not to fall in love with you”

———————————————————

And that’s how the days went by with Jaehyun. You met up almost every day, in restaurants for a nice dinner, or hanging out in each other’s dorm. It was so much fun getting to spend time with him, that you sometimes forgot to make your meetup public on social media. You helped him with his math homework, and he helped you dye your hair. You even went to his basketball game, and he dedicated one of his goals to you, following every teen movie cliche.

You felt a little sad how it was all falling to an end. The plan was successful, for the most part. Naeun had asked Jaehyun to meet up later tonight, talk things through. You wished he wouldn’t go back to her, but you knew you had no real say in his love life. Yuta saw that he didn’t own you, that there were people like Jaehyun that were willing to give you what your ex had promised you, but wasn’t able to give. Well, not really, you reminded yourself. Jaehyun was faking it. You shouldn’t let yourself get lost in the fairytale, even if the past two weeks were some of the best of your life. He had proposed that you claim that the reason for your upcoming ‘breakup’ was differences in character, but you decided to stay friends. You were happy that at least, in the midst of all this mess, you met someone like him.

It was Saturday, a day before the frat party. You had invited him over, celebrate the end of your relationship with some pizza and a movie.

The movie was boring, but Jaehyun made you laugh. It reminded you of the first time the two of you met up alone. You had gotten comfy on your couch, sharing popcorn when you noticed. A huge bruise was peeking out from Jaehyun’s tank top, the dark color contrasting against his porcelain skin.

“What the hell?!” you exclaimed and scooted closer to him. You rushed your hands on his chest, your fingers pushing the fabric aside to examine the bruise. You found even more bruises scattered around it, accompanied with scratches that stretched longer than his top could.

“It was from the game the other day”, he tried to excuse, but you weren’t buying it.

“Jae, I was there. You played basketball, not WWE. Now who did this to you?”

He sighed and fidgeted with a loose string on his jeans, clearly uncomfortable.

“When I caught Naeun with my roommate, and broke up with her, she didn’t take it very well”

You kept staring at him, urging him to continue.

“She started calling me names, saying that she’s the best I’ll ever have. That I’m worthless without her, just a social climber trying to mooch off of her popularity”

He motioned on his torso, “When I kicked her out of my place, this happened”

“Is that the first time she acted violent?”

He shook his head. “Pretty much every time she didn’t get her way”

“Jae”, you started, placing your hands on top of his “this is abuse. Have you ever talked to anyone about it?”

“It’s- it’s nothing. It’s embarrassing”

“No it’s not! Abuse is not exclusive to any gender! Guys get affected by it too!”

“It’s embarrassing because I know I can physically stop her but I don’t”

His eyes were starting to water, the sight was heartbreaking. “I sit there frozen and just take it”

“Why?”

“Because part of me believes her. That I’m hopeless without someone like her, dictating what I can and cannot do. I don’t need a shrink to tell me that it’s sick. I have these bruises to remind me”

You were starting to get angry. Angry at that bitch for hurting him, angry at Jaehyun who puts up with it, angry at you, for not seeing past the obvious like everyone else.

“I’m not letting you go see her tonight”

He laughs at you, putting up an invisible barrier between you.

“Not letting me? Wake up y/n! We’re not a real couple, remember? We’re just faking it to satisfy our selfish needs. This whole thing is pointless”

He stormed to the door and you tried to stop him, but he was too riled up for that.

“You’re going to forget about me as soon as this whole circus is over, just like everyone else”

“How can you accuse me like that when you haven’t even let me be a part of your life for real?”

“Because now you’ve met me. Me. With all my ugly, all my fucking bruises. Is it still so hard not to fall in love with me?”

With that, he closed your door with a bang, not even letting you answer that yes, it was impossible not to fall in love with Jung Jaehyun.

———————————————————

History seemed to repeat itself, as you got a text from him the next morning, that you didn’t expect.

jaehyunnie: let’s meet outside of the frat at 10:30, i’ll bring the booze.

And that’s what you did, showing up with your shortest skirt, spotting Jaehyun sitting a few meters from the frat’s entrance. He was laying against the wall, his eyes red, and he gave you the same smile he always did when he saw you, as if your fight yesterday never happened.

“Hey baby” he said and pulled you in for a hug. You couldn’t resist the invitation, and felt yourself melting in his embrace. He smelled like weed and shower gel.

It was nice, how he proclaimed your truce, but you still had to get something off your chest.

“Listen, Jae, about last night, you were right. This whole thing is pointless. We can go home, if you want”

“No baby”, he started and pulled away just enough to look at you. His eyes were droopy but glancing back at you with such care as he moved a strand of hair out of your face, “we’re here to have fun”

You wondered why he was still willing to come to the party with you as your boyfriend. Maybe he wanted to do you one last favor with Yuta, or maybe he wasn’t done indulging in Naeun’s petty games. You looked at his forearms, noticing a few scratches that weren’t there yesterday.

“I’m guessing you and Naeun didn’t make up last night”

He shook his head, and rubbed his hands on your back, keeping your temper down.

“Did you get in a fight?”

“Something like that”

You didn’t know what came over you. It was anger and protectiveness, possessiveness even. You laced your fingers in his locks, letting his head rest against the wall. If Naeun wanted you to speak in her language, then so be it.

You started kissing his neck, on that part on the side that is tender and sensitive. You heard passerbys whistling at the two of you, seemingly getting it on in public. Your licks and sucks weren’t meant for pleasure though, you had a goal and that was to leave a bruise. A statement for Naeun.

You walked in the building hand in hand and followed Jae to the kitchen, where he poured you a drink out of the bottle he brought along. Looking around, you sensed a couple familiar faces staring back at you from the crowd. Taeyong from class, Mark and Ten, and last but not least, Naeun. You downed the drink in one shot and lead Jaehyun to the dance floor.

He put his hands on your hips, and swayed you at the sound of some club song you weren’t familiar with. You ground your ass against him and he hissed, keeping you close against him. A little voice in your head was screaming how this isn’t real, to him this is all pretend, but you ignored it. You wanted her to think that he was yours, that she couldn’t hurt him anymore.

“Why are you doing this to me y/n? Yuta’s not even around”

Jae turned you around, and you put your hands on his shoulders. He looked absolutely breathtaking tonight. You searched his face for a flaw, yet couldn’t find any. You wouldn’t change a single thing on him.

“She’s here” you said venomously.

He buried his face in your neck, inhaling the smell of your hair and trying to ground himself from his high. “I don’t give a fuck about Naeun”

He kissed your ear and your mind fogged up even more.

“She didn’t ask me to meet up yesterday, I did. I wanted to tell her that she and I were done, for good. I thought she wouldn’t be here tonight, but I guess she changed her mind”

What?

“Then why are you here? And why did you let me give you that big ass hickey?”

He stopped nibbling on your ear, and whispered to it instead.

“I’d never miss up on a chance to feel yours”

The bodies dancing next to you, the liquer you had downed a few minutes ago and Jaehyun’s words were getting too much to handle. You felt suffocated, unable to distinguish where reality ended and pretending began with you two.

“Jae, I need a moment, excuse me”

Releasing yourself from his grasp, you made your way to the kitchen. There wasn’t any fresh air, but there was plenty of booze. You poured yourself a shot and as you downed it, you felt another liquid trickling down your top.

You looked up to find out who managed to make this night even worse for you, only to come across the last person you needed to see tonight. Yuta.

“Shit I’m sorry”, he muttered and you avoided eye contact, thinking you’d manage to get away without him realizing it was you. Luck wasn’t on your side tonight.

“Well well well. Long time no see.”

Confidence was dripping from his smile, to his stance, to the way he looked at you. He had dyed his hair your favorite color, his white locks begging to be tugged and played with. To top it all off, he smelled good, so, so good. He smelled dangerous. Comfortable.

You immediately realized that you didn’t have the self control needed to resist him. Turning on your heel, you started to get the hell out of there when he held your wrist, keeping you in place.

“Wait, I’m sorry, you can’t stay like this, you’ll catch a cold”

“Since when are you worried about me?”

“C’mon y/n, please. Come upstairs, I’ll give you a clean shirt. No funny business, I promise”

You hated yourself for this, but you followed him upstairs to his room, like a pray falling right into the hunter’s trap. He closed the door behind him, muting the loud music and you sat on his bed that you were so familiar with. Looking through his closet, he passed you one of his t-shirts, and turned around to let you change with some privacy. It was comical how chivalrous he was acting, considering the unspeakable things you’ve done in here.

“Not like you’ll see something you haven’t seen already”, you murmured and he chuckled, raising his hands.

“Hey, I’m a gentleman. It’s my fault, after all. I have a habit of getting you wet.”

Blushing at his comment, you quickly changed into the clean shirt and felt the bed dip next to you. You thanked him under your breath and started getting up, when you felt him hold you back once again.

“Stay, just a moment. I’ve missed you”

“What do you want?”

“You, baby”

Yuta was the one who said it, but you swore you felt Jaehyun’s voice reverberating through the nickname. Suddenly, it felt like there was no air for you to breathe.

“That’s not happening, Yuta. I’m with Jaehyun now”

He scoffed, “Jaehyun? Naeun’s puppy? Come on now, we both know you can do better than that”

“Don’t talk about him like that”, you bite back, but he doesn’t budge.

“What kind of boyfriend leaves his girl alone in a party like this?” He grips your chin, making you stare at him face to face, impossibly close. “Look at you. Every single guy in this party wants to fuck you. You expect me to be ok with this?”

Yuta lets his other hand glide on your knee, moving up to your thigh slowly. He smiled at how easy it was to focus on him.

“Do you remember how I made you feel? How I reminded you that you’re mine? You were moaning so loud, Mark thought you’d pass out. You loved it.”

You wanted to scream, tell him that this was the past you, that you couldn’t take going back to him once again and get your heart broken one more time, but you felt helpless around him. The warm feeling was only temporary, it would soon evaporate when you face the fact that to him, you are nothing but a play toy, a possession.

And that’s when Jaehyun barged in through the door. His eyes moved frantically from Yuta’s hands on your thighs, to his band tee you wore, to your discarded top on the floor. He quickly turned red, the color spreading from his neck to his face, then landing on his ears.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my girlfriend?”

You instantly got up, following his thought sequence.

“It’s not what it looks like! He spilled his drink on me and gave me a clean shirt and..and..”

“And you decided to sit on his lap to thank him?”, he mocked you and Yuta laughed.

“Calm down, dude. I didn’t make her do anything. Besides, it’s not the first time y/n found her way over here after some disappointing dick”

Jaehyun grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up from the bed, forcing him to stand and face him. You moved between the two, trying to stop the catastrophe that was about to happen. Jae might have more muscle power than Yuta, but if the whole frat ganged up on him he would have to leave this place in a stretcher.

“Jaehyun please, let’s just go. Baby, please”

The nickname was the only thing that brought him out of his rage and made him listen to you. He let go of Yuta and took your hand, dragging you out of the room.

You were two hallways down when you pulled away, forcing him to stop.

“Why did you have to get so mad?”

“Why the fuck did you go back to him?”

“I didn’t! It was just.. so hard for me to tell him no”

You felt your eyes water with how pathetic you sounded. Jaehyun rubbed his hands over his face, groaning in frustration.

“Don’t you understand how much it fucking hurts? To see you with that guy that treats you like shit when I’m right here, willing to give you everything? When I’m in love with you?”

You couldn’t process what he said because in a moment, his mouth was on yours. The kiss was so different than the one you shared at the hallway of your campus. It was passionate, it was rough, and this time, he monopolized your attention. His lips were determined to bruise into yours, leaving you breathless and causing your back to fall against a wall. It was crowded around you, eyes prying into your intimate moment but to you, the only person around was Jaehyun.

“You smell like him”, he growled, sucking on the tender spot under your ear, “makes me wanna fuck his scent off of you”

That was all you needed to hear. You led him to the frat’s guest room, knowing that Taeil always kept a spare key in the lamp next to the door. Unlocking the door seemed like a tour de force with Jaehyun leaving open mouthed kisses on your neck, but you finally managed to stumble inside. You locked the door behind you, continuing your heated kiss, hands roaming around each other’s body.

He was taller than you, so when you felt him grab your ass with such eagerness, you almost lifted off the ground. You palmed him through his jeans, the roughness of his hard on making your panties stick from wetness just a bit more.

“I want to taste you” you managed through kisses, but he just unzipped your skirt as a response, pulling it to the floor in one hasty move. Petting your clit through your underwear, a shiver ran down your spine, spreading goosebumps all over your arms and legs.

“I don’t think I have the patience for that”

He walked you backwards towards the guest bed, taking his pants and shirt off along the way. You sat on the edge of it and admired his godly proportions, when you took notice of the bruises and scratches that led to your fight on Saturday. Suddenly feeling the need to slow down, you started leaving kisses over each and every one of them. You wanted him to trust you, give in to you completely. He had his flaws just like he said, but you wanted all of him. And you wanted him now.

“I need you, now”, you voiced your thoughts and helped him take off his boxers, revealing his hard cock. He was thick and decently long, making your mouth water and your pussy clench.

Towering on top of you, he removed your panties that were embarrassingly damp at this point, and by his smirk, you knew he noticed.

Jaehyun bent your legs next to your torso, making you expose all of you. He licked his lips as he dove into your lower ones, muttering praises about your “pretty pussy”, turning you impossibly wet.

Jung Jaehyun never disappoints, you thought, because the moment you felt the first lap over your sensitive bud, you got a taste of heaven. He alternated between licking and sucking over the spot that turned you into putty against him. You were already unbearably turned on at this point, and the changing pace of his tongue made you lose your mind.

Your pants and moans only seemed to urge him on, and after a few minutes of his careful treatment you felt yourself getting close. He must have sensed it, because when you grabbed the bedpost in an effort to stop shaking, he stood on his knees, and reached for a condom in his wallet.

You didn’t have time to complain about the denial of your orgasm, and started taking Yuta’s shirt off, when he grabbed your hands and placed them back on their previous position on the headboard.

“Don’t”, he said sternly as he lined himself up your entrance, “I want to fuck you in his shirt”

There was no time to think about whether his request was healthy or not, because when you felt him stretch you out, the only thing on your mind was him and his dick.

You let out a deep moan and he took it as a sign to screw himself deeper inside you. Your pussy gushed uncontrollably, filling the room with the lewd sounds of skin slapping against skin. You unlaced your fingers and ran them down his back, ghosting them over the dimples that had affected you so much.

Jaehyun lowered himself, letting his chest touch yours, and you could feel his abs contracting over the fabric of Yuta’s shirt.

“I bet he’s never eaten you out like that, yeah?”

“N-no, never, ahh”

He sat up again, putting your legs over his shoulders and lifted your butt off the mattress, gripping your hips to steady himself before continuing his incredible pace.

“You’re mine, aren’t you baby? Mine to give you everything.”

The position felt divine. He was hitting it incredibly deep, reaching the spot that had you moaning so loud you were thankful for the unbearably loud music of the party. You were sure his fingers would leave a mark over your hipbones but you didn’t care, the pain only accentuating the warm feeling in your belly.

“J-Jae don’t stop - fuck don’t stop I’m gonna cum”

He leaned over, grabbing your face that was contorting in pleasure.

“Look at me when you cum for me”, he demanded, and when you rolled your eyes behind your head, letting go, he let out his first moan for the night.

He kissed your lips sweetly, helping you ride out your high.

“You’re so beautiful, my baby. So, so beautiful”, he praised and you submitted fully to him. He turned your body around, positioning you in all fours, and you wondered where the gentle boy you met at Johnny’s house went. His dick buried in you once again, spreading your juices around and the sensitivity of your previous orgasm made you aware of every single inch.

“So fucking tight”

Jaehyun didn’t go easy on you. He saw how much you liked it, how you were pushing your ass against his cock. He pounded in and out of you with the intention of fucking your thoughts out, and that’s just what he did. When the feeling got too much, and making any sort of noise seemed like a feat, you felt him push your hair back, and start biting on your neck, most definitely leaving a mark.

“I’m gonna cum. Fuck, I’m gonna cum”, he muttered, his voice wavering and you felt him release in the condom inside you.

It took a while for the both of you to regain your breaths. Jaehyun’s chest was heaving up and down as you rest your head on top of it, not brave enough to break the silence.

“I’m sorry”, he finally said and started petting your hair lovingly.

“About what?”

The bed was foreign and small but you both stayed still, wanting to bask a little more in the peacefulness of the moment.

“About getting so possessive, and saying all these things out of jealousy. I acted just like him..”

You kissed his left peck, listening to his heart that was starting to beat in a faster pace.

“Jaehyun, you’re nothing like Yuta. I get how you felt, I feel the same way when I think about you with Naeun”

He took your hand that was resting on his abs and planted a kiss on your palm. Your heart did a flip and you were pressed so close together, he sure must have felt it.

“I should have told you about her sooner. About the fights and how I let her go because of you. I was in denial about my feelings for you because-“

He stopped mid sentence, wary of the way his words would come off to you. Jaehyun was a proud man, but he opened up his heart tonight, admitting he was in love with you. He had already exposed so much of himself that you gave him the time he needed to organize his thoughts.

“Because I was insecure. That you would never like someone like me. That Naeun was right. That you were only interested in playing pretend with me and didn’t mean any of the things you said, and I let myself get carried away in a lie”

You and Jaehyun were two lost souls, trying to break free from the constraints your insecurities built up for you. You didn’t have to succumb to your masochistic tendencies anymore, wasting your time in heartless lovers because now you found him and he found you. Both unable to see any value in themselves, but more that willing to treasure the other. And that was enough for you.

“I’d be honored to be loved by someone like you. Baby.”