#specifically because the whole thing about trauma is the severity of it depends on what your safety net is like

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

God it'd be cool if there was this dude who had a fridged wife arc except his wife was abusive and his whole deal is trying to accept that

[radiostaticsmile]

On Alters and Personality Disorders

Disclaimer that I am not a researcher and this is based on my understanding of different studies and of my own personal experience being a system with personality disorders and knowing systems with personality disorders

Often I see the question can on alter have a personality disorder that other alters do not. It seems to be hotly debated without a real answer, most people just extrapolate because studies on that specifically are hard to find and combine knowledge of systems and personality disorders but be used to make an inference. I am going to be doing the same thing here, 

However one thing that I have not seen anyone mention that has greatly helped my understanding of this topic is the idea which has begun to exist relatively recently within psychology that personality disorders are really all the same thing at its core, a disorder which occurs in response to trauma, and the specific symptoms and disorder you will be diagnosed with is dependant on which survival methods worked best for the traumatizing situation that the person was in. 

For example in situations where it was dangerous and likely to get the victim hurt by their abuser to care about the abusers feelings they will likely develop a PD with low empathy like NPD or ASPD. For situations where avoiding the abuser was possible and the best method something like AVPD may occur. And those who need to be highly attuned to their abusers emotional state and weather they get hurt or not depends on how the abuser is feeling may develop BPD. This is an over simplification but you get the picture. 

Dissociative disorders are also caused by trauma. And abuse is complicated, so different survival strategies may work at different times, and using a method that works sometimes will actively get you abused more at other times. For singlets this can cause more than one personality disorder with symptoms that mix and overlap. For dissociative systems, this can mean different alters present different symptoms. Alters will often form because the system needs different survival strategies in different situations, and different alters will fill those roles. So it makes sense some alters will have symptoms of a personality disorder that another alter does not have. One alter may fit enough criteria for a diagnoses of a specific personality disorder while others may be missing key aspects of the disorder, so in tis way I do think it is possible. You can say they are just symptom holders and the whole system has it, or you can say just they have it, its really just arguing semantics at that point, since it is fairly clear within the community that many systems have alters who meet diagnostic criteria while other alters in the same system do not.

I do think it is possible for an alter to have a specific personality disorder that is not system wide, because specific personality disorders are not really separate from each other, but rather which symptoms do you present, and different alters present different symptoms. However, I also think that if any alter has a personality disorder, everyone in the system would most likely have a personality disorder of some kind (unless they have a highly specialized role or are a fragment that would prevent this, but the system as a whole would still be personality disordered). This is because the trauma changing the brain that created the personality disorders affects the whole system. It can affect different alters differently, and some specific symptom sets may be contained to only a few alters, but being personality disordered in general would affect everyone, or at least that is what I have come to believe based on my experience and research. 

It also seems like just based on what I have seen that alters will frequently gravitate around a few presentations/specific disorders that show up in several alters, like a system of six may have 5 with BPD, and 3 of those also have NPD (meaning 2 with both), more likely than every alter having an extremely different disorder presentation from each other, and then varying symptoms between alters within those subsets of symptoms. This however is not based on any research and is just personal experience since this topic really hasn't been studied enough.

This is not meant to invalidate or dictact any one else's experience or beliefs around the topic but I haven't seen anyone discuss the theory that personality disorders are a single disorder with highly varied presentation and I wanted to add that idea to the conversation.

[ang3lwithapen]

Just so I can understand, what exactly do you mean by slowburn? Don't get me wrong ik not expecting then to marry me on the spot or anything but ehhh

Personally, I don't mind how long it takes as long as the antagonist part of meeting a character isn't drawn out too much, which is more me being sensitive but hey, if nothing else I can prep myself for it if I had insight to it.

Apologies if this seems a but demanding though, that isn't my intention at all and regardless, I'm just excited to read what you've been working on

Talking about H specifically:

The antagonistic part will not last too long or be too drawn out, at least that’s not in my plans. I see H’s route (platonic or romantic) going in a similar pattern to:

dislikes you, doesn’t want you here -> doesn’t trust you but tolerates your presence -> actually you’re not that bad -> they’re looking forward to your company -> wait why do they feel all warm inside when they’re with you…

etc :D. In the upcoming update, you’ll still be at the first stage. The one after that, though, I can already see things shifting a bit.

It also depends on you to an extent. if you play a warm and gentle character, it will be more likely for H to soften more quickly. Although at the very start they might think “they’re too nice. This is suspicious.” Lol.

If you antagonise them or don’t make an attempt at getting closer, however, it might take more time because that’s just how H works. The plan is to make them feel more like an actual (very troubled, very distrustful) person than a character.

Talking about the ROs as a whole:

By the end of this first book the relationships will have developed, but you won’t be anywhere near being an official couple with any of them.

A is very focused on getting the House of Blackwood back on its feet and getting the family to act as a family again, and they’re a very standoffish person. They hardly think about love as something that they want, need or even deserve.

R has severe commitment issues, they’re very passionate but hard to take a hold of. They want to “experience life to the fullest” and growing up they never witnessed a healthy couple they could look up to (quite the opposite in fact).

S might be the one more open to the idea of a relationship but they’re very awkward at social interactions, kind of a complicated person to deal with. It will take a bit for them to feel ready for a romance.

H has a lot of trauma. They all do, really, but H especially. I can’t spoil too much of it though.

To wrap it up:

While I love writing slow burns, I want to write slow burns that make sense, feel natural and aren’t dragged out just for the sake of the slowburn itself.

Hope this answer put you a bit at ease!

[conspicuous-clown-car]

lemme ramble for a bit

so i have this story in my head of my self insert and the bs they go through while working at the pizzaplex for like 2 years as a night guard

and originally they were gonna die at the end of it before the events of security breach, smth about them finally getting what they wanted bc that’s one of the reasons they wanted to work there in the first place. but i thought that was way too sad, despite, yknow, it being a horror and if i was in their place id definitely be dead before then. plus there are some things worse than death in the fnaf universe. so i decided to veer away from angst for this story and go for a more thriller horror (maybe psychological) type thing yknow? makes it more fun

THEN i was like yo what if ghosts kids start haunting them to help them find their killer and there’s like 1 for each pizzaplex animatronic (excluding freddy and roxy bc they got gregory and cassie). and it could be super angsty bc 2 of the kids were inadvertently killed because of moon and one was killed by moon, and my s/i is super close with moon right? so it would be like a moral dilemma, bc they want to help the kids but they still want to be friends with moon, but they’re also horrified that he killed a kid. and my s/i would start dreaming and sleepwalking, forced by the ghost kids to relive their deaths to try and find who killed them. but then i started thinking about the timeline of that, and it would mean moon would’ve had the virus or whatever years before this story takes place, which isn’t what i wanted nor did it make sense. so after a while i was just like nahhhh, and it didn’t really mesh well with the story of security breach anyways, its more sci-fi than supernatural now, and including the ghost kids would just be too much crammed into self insert story i have. the kids designs im still gonna use tho lol

NOW after getting back into fnaf after like a few months of not really caring about the lore, i’ve been watching more theory videos and book summaries and stuff like that and it made me shift my whole view on security breach’s story

so i’ve decided that i wanna stick as close to canon lore as possible and make gregory and vanessa/vanny more present and important. i want to focus more on the issues with ai, and show the slow downfall and problems with depending solely on them. i also need to figure out why my self insert has plot armor bc anyone in their situation would’ve been fired or killed by now (i don’t have to stick that close to canon for this i guess). but im just gonna justify it as they’re a pushover who doesn’t ask any questions and just does what they’re told, which is pretty much what got the other employees fired or killed bc they did the opposite (they’re also a huge nerd about robots so they end up being good friends with all the animatronics which is a HUGE plot point in this story, friendship is the real magic love conquers all etc. etc.) don’t get me wrong, they are fully aware of how wrong things are in the pizzaplex and how some things vanessa has told them don’t add up, but they are a good little employee (they are a severe people pleaser) so they feign ignorance to it all.

my self insert being autistic and having adhd is also a big thing i wanna include, bc there’s some really specific shit about their autism that would affect how they survive and stuff. things like trauma responses, masking, unmasking, meltdowns, and shutdowns that will affect their relationships with the others and will domino affect over time and lead to them surviving. idk ive just been thinking a lot lately about social interactions and experiences i have that are negatively or positively impacted specifically because of my autism. choices choices

i also want to make sure that it’s clear how neglected all the animatronics are. not just the dca since it is intended to be a s/i x sun and moon story. but there’s a lot of issues the in game messages have talked about with the animatronics that seem to happen because no one is bothering to help them. they just put a bandaid on a situation but they don’t fix the root problem yknow. also, my s/i doesn’t think the animatronics are sentient at first, and i want that to be a big thing that gets explored several times throughout the story bc i love thinking about robot sentience.

at first i was gonna have monty sort of start to be nice to my s/i, and maybe they could be friends or even have a sibling type relationship (red hair lol) but then i was like nah, monty being an asshole is what makes his character interesting. plus his behavior is a nice contrast from the rest of the band. though i think it would be funny for some characters to think monty is my s/i’s favorite at first bc their hair is dyed red

i also want sun and moon to be as close to canon as possible. while i love love LOVE pretty much every dca x reader fic i ever read, i have a preference for canon depictions of sun and moon lol. no hate to fanon depictions of sun when i say this, but ive been lost in the sauce of fanon sun for too long, and i wanna make him passive aggressive, and sarcastic, and picky, and fussy!! but still an anxious wreck and a people pleaser perfectionist. i’ll admit im still struggling with this. it was kinda hard to get a gauge on his personality at first because until help wanted 2 we had only seen how he interacts with kids. and even though in universe that isn’t the real sun it’s the only indication we have of how he interacts with adults, so im taking it. moon is still gonna be mischievous, creepy as hell, and won’t talk much, but he’s not gonna be killin anyone (yet), he’s just gonna be kind of a stalker lol. also the dca and freddy have beef for some reason, it’s a personal head canon of mine but im adding it to this story hehe

lots of physical injuries, several concussions, a migraine so bad they loose the ability to communicate properly (smth i experience) will all happen to them, bc i am throwing them through the ringer. they will be stressed more often than not. get projected on idiot (i say that as if this isn’t my self insert and is literally me)

tbh this story would mostly be just a slice of life, shenanigan, character driven thing for most of it. but then little things brought up in the past will become important to the plot later on.

like how copyright music can’t be played in front of any of the animatronics or else they will freak out :]

that’s all lol

[1800duckhotline]

hello (shy) the first oc quastions that came to mind was: who is your oldest oc that you have that you can remember? have you done anything with them recently? (i.e. revamping and the like)

HELLO... YES THIS IS A VERY VERY GOOD QUESTION. Because you're in luck I've actually drawn this super specific OC fairly recently too! like a few months ago

i've had way older childhood OCs, but a recurring character in my entourage who has been around since when i was 12 yo is Sandra Campana... when I first created her I was riding the high of having discovered Hellsing for the first time and wanted at all costs my own equivalent of Alucard (this ended up changing as I matured, but, it felt right to mention). She used to have a much more supernatural and wacky story I changed several times during her growth as an OC.

However regardless of iteration, a basic rundown of her character is that she is an excommunicated serial killer nun who was expelled and convicted for life for having committed crimes of cannibalism when she was about 20 or so. She is from Genova, Italy, and more or less the crimes took place in the convent she was part of around that city's area. I could explain the whole reason behind her modus operandi but I fear of getting long.

The short story is that she eventually is plucked out of jail by Anita Millennium, a mysterious older woman who is recruiting irredeemable bastards to be part of her merry gang of assassins, who alongside her will do the dirty work of the highest bidder depending on the job. She takes Sandra on as a "cleaner", while her field companion Markovic Zoe is the "killer" more or less (he's also as old as Sandra OC-wise but this ain't about him). In the current rotation of ideas I've had half the thought that Anita probably was one of the founders behind the P.A.U... which explains this whole thing. Also, Sandra's story is set in the mid 1960s-early 1970s.

Anyhow enough of me rambling. To me she's a dear OC because of how old she is, though with the years I've toned down a lot of her story because well. My priorities in character ideation and storytelling have changed. But I still care her and still like her even though she's a certified scumbag on multiple levels, even if her traumas make me sympathize for her in part.

Let's look at this picture of her instead that's what I wanted to show mainly

2024 vs 2018 for instance GOOD LORD THE DIFFERENCE IN STYLE IS JARRING

[furiousgoldfish]

I wanna talk about specifically the effects abuse had of me during forced labour, because I'm wondering if anyone else is feeling the same, or if anyone has found a way to resolve the symptoms. (tw for forced child labour, abuse during labour, death threats and mentions of injury and violence)

As a kid, I've been forced to work, often in pretty bad conditions, and it would often include further abuse, berating, humiliation, criticism, yelling, I'd even be hit during the work, and I've learned that I have to keep working even if injured or crying, and had to keep those things silent and not complain. I have a specific childhood memory where I had to paint a garage for what felt a whole afternoon and I was crying the entire time, my vision was blurry, and I just thought this was normal, it was nothing out of the ordinary for me. There were also sometimes games played on me where I would be given wrong instructions on purpose, then punished for following them, or would be given zero instructions and a task I've never been taught how to do, only so I could be punished for doing it wrong, and berated for 'not knowing how to do it despite my age'.

I would also often be told that if I don't work, I can't live, and would be threatened to be kicked out and left to die if I don't deserve to be sheltered and fed, so refusing to work was not an option, I would be beaten for it and forced to work injured. It was also why I couldn't walk away from abuse during work, it always felt like a death threat over my head if I refused to do anything, because I would be risking being kicked out and left for dead.

So, the specific after-effects of this are not just severe anxiety during work, but also all of my body functions and sensations completely stop if I'm working. Even if I'm working for hours and hours, I will not experience any hunger, thirst, need to go to the toilet, I won't feel exhaustion, pain, anything. It feels almost like my body is back at the 'death threat' mode and stops everything in order to work, because it's still etched in my brain that if I don't work, I cannot survive, and so our entire survival depends on being fit to work, on stopping all body functions and sensations until the work is done and survival is secured.

And then of course, when I get back home, enter my room, I collapse almost immediately, feeling intense pain in all of my muscles and back, weakness, hunger, dizziness, sometimes tension headache, severe exhaustion. I worry this is because my body was under such severe stress being triggered during work, that it's affected the same as after surviving additional trauma. I had hoped that after a few years of work and nobody hurting me while I'm doing my job, that this would subside, but unfortunately, I'm still having the same symptoms, even working for kind people who offer to me to take a break or bring me something to drink while I'm doing physical work. I don't even notice I'm thirsty until I'm already looking at the drink.

Does anyone else have experience with symptoms like this? And did you manage to resolve some of it, and find a way to work without your body reacting to it as a severe threat to existence?

[mountaingoatsfirstlineaday]

Hey, this is a weird ask, so I apologize for that in advance.

But, what song would you recommend of the mountain goats for when you're sad? Besides This Year, which is great though

not a weird ask at all! i always listen to tmg when i'm sad. i mean, i listen to tmg for every other emotion i have too, but still. top 10 bands to listen to when you're feeling down.

when i listen to them because i'm sad, it usually depends on what kind of sad I'm feeling.

general malaise/clinical depression: transcendental youth all the way through, in order, on repeat.

physical illness/chronic pain sadness: the life of the world to come. specifically romans 10:9, hebrews 11:40, and isaiah 45:23. also we shall all be healed -- not the album, but the unreleased song. notasfarwest my beloved has a great rip on youtube

sexual assault trauma/familial trauma: tallahassee (whole album). this tends to make me cry but sometimes when I'm dealing with this i do really really need to just cry about it. i also listen to never quite free, off of all eternals deck, and we shall all be healed (album), specifically all up the seething coast, linda blair was born innocent, against pollution, and slow west vultures.

specifically my childhood trauma: the sunset tree. this year is even better in context i promiseeeee. it's so good. my favs for this are broom people, up the wolves, hast thou considered the tetrapod, and pale green things.

grief of almost every variety: i mean. get lonely is the obvious answer here. also, an unreleased song called warm lonely planet. used to haunt (from the one john green movie). occasionally all hail west texas, but only if it's summer. store, from the jam eater blues ep. clean slate.

psychosis/other severe mental health issues: if you see light (get lonely), beat the devil (unreleased), lovecraft in brooklyn and heretic pride (heretic pride). mostly though if i'm psychotic i just listen to car seat headrest lol

bonus!! tmg songs that i find motivational when i feel rock bottom shitty: ox baker triumphant!!! psalms 40:2!!! werewolf gimmick!!!! palmcorder yajna!!! jam eater blues!!!! exegetic chains :)

hope this helps! if you want me to make you a playlist of the stuff in one of these categories, plus probably some other stuff thrown in because i'm like that, just dm me or send in another ask.

[ahmedmootaz]

Waves hand at you in greeting!

Hello dear author of my now favorite fanfic!

I just finished reading the Crimson Tears and Tears of Crimson chapter and have a couple questions.

The options at the time for Ayin was either giving in and getting distorted and/or fighting back and not get getting distorted, but what if he wasn't able to even make a choice and just died instead before he could either accept the Distortion's offer or reject it and speak to Carmen?

What would happen when it became very clear that he was well and fully dead and couldn't be brought back even by K Corp's serum or the Voice's powers?

Would X end up distorting instead to avenge Ayin?

Would the other Ayin's end up distorting?

Would Roland fall back into his meltdown forms?

Would the kids end up hearing the Voice who might offer to bring their papa/uncle back if they listened to her?

Would Carmen herself grieve and kill the entire Sweeper family?

And what about aftermath after the initial outburst? Would there be an uptick in Distortions since the Voice would be more emotional and Carmen would be in grief?

How would they get back without Ayin fixing the car and would Roland be able to tell X about the completed buttons to make the older again? Or would Roland hold off since telling X he had to lose his kids after he he already lost Ayin?

Dear Anonymous,

Eheheh, I am most delighted to see that you're a fan of Crimson Tears/Tears of Crimson; these were the Chapters I was looking forward to writing the most when I started AiP even as a mere storyboard in my mind, and they're often the two Chapters that seem to squeeze the most tears out of people, which gives me sustenance yes delicious tears makes me happy that I could get such a strong emotional response with my writing. As for your questions they're all very, very interesting indeed...

Starting off with your first one, what if Ayin simply died instead of Distorting or pulling through in spite of the Distortion's temptations...well, it would've been a very, very bad time for everyone involved. Not only would the Distortion have been struck by grief, thus likely going on a rampage and attempting to Distort all those around Ayin's corpse, perhaps even including the de-aged Librarians and Angela specifically...or maybe Carmen would manage enough emotional strength at that moment to fight off the Distortion entirely to check on Ayin, only to find that there is nothing to be done...

And when it comes to the A3...Well, I personally see them as part of Ayin's mind. They're not separate to him; they're all him, as TFMoA states. They're just...individual representations of the various different types of madness embedded within his mind, and so if Ayin is dead...well, so too would they perish.

It'd be a heartbreaking scenario, all around. If I were to say who would be most prone to Distorting, it'd be X; Roland has already gone through several Realisations and learnt how to be in tune with his emotions...at least, to a better degree than where he was at before the events of LoR. The de-aged Librarians, as emotional as they are, wouldn't be able to manifest as grandiose of Distortions, in my eyes, simply because of their age. The sudden shock and trauma may make them unable to even listen to Distorted!Carmen...if she even has time to try on them. If she, too, is struck by grief and isn't overpowered by Carmen (her normal self, that is), then she would likely attempt to mould the closest remnant of Ayin into the Distortion she'd hoped to create with Ayin...which puts X in an even more dangerous position...

Now whether or not X does Distort, that's a whole different story. I suppose, on the meta-end of the things, it would all depend on what sort of story I'd want to tell at the moment, but realistically, it depends on what Roland says at that very, very delicate moment. Ièm sure that all of the reasons that would push X towards Distorting are very clear, but it's important to note that with the Sweepers dead, there is less incentive to Distort; a great many people have Distorted as a last-ditch effort to take revenge on someone/something or in the midst of a fight, and unless X sees the kids or Roland as his enemies...well, with the right words, perhaps a crisis can be averted...

Oh, I don't doubt for a second that the amount of Distortions would increase dramatically while the Distortion/Carmen lets out all of her grief...I suppose the question would be for how long, but as for the scale and violence? Yeah, I've not doubt it would be tremendous...and perhaps these particular Distortions will hunt and slay entire Sweeper families within the City, disrupting the evening sweeping sessions...hmmmm...

As for what would happen afterwards...I'm sure Roland has some experience with repairing basic mechanical components. He could get them home, eventually, and repair the car himself, but as for what happens next...As cruel as it is, I believe Roland would pick a safer path; Ayin wanted to tell X beforehand because they're sort-of-but-not-really brothers, and it was the proper thing to do in a situation like the one they were in in AiP. In a situation where Ayin is dead, and where his corpse is likely sitting in the Library as they dragged it back with them, anything that could possibly push X to Distort would be strictly avoided...especially with no other adults around to help Roland in case things get very, very ugly with the Distortion.

And so, as cruel as it is, I think Roland wouldn't tell X about the Reverse De-Agers. At least, he wouldn't tell him what they do; he'd quietly install them on the kids as little medals for the day, and when they wake up as adults...well, at least he'll have someone to help him deal with the absolute betrayal and meltdown X would endure...

Thank you for this very interesting ask, Anon! I always like my doses of angst quite...tasty, hehe. Until next time, be well, take care, and see ya'!

[thescrumblingmidwife]

what advice would you give to a trans person who is terrified of getting health checks such as pap smears? I'm generally rather touch-averse and that doubled with the dysphoria makes it very scary to think about.

Hi Anon,

This is a topic close to my heart, because I myself am touch-averse and have a trauma response to pelvic examinations. I also want to make sure everyone understands why it's important to get pap smears!

Let's start with what pap smears are, why they're important, and who they are for. Maybe understanding that will be the first step in finding the strength and courage to go through with them.

QUICK ANATOMY & PHYSIOLOGY LESSON - THE PAP SMEAR

What is a pap smear for?

Your cervix is the gateway to your uterus, sitting atop the vagina. It's a thick ring of muscle that is normally closed, opening just a tiny bit for menses to escape (the sensation of the muscle opening is what causes cramps).

Now, the trouble comes when cervical cells have been infected with a virus called human papillomavirus (or HPV) - especially certain "high-risk" strains. HPV is very common in the human population - almost everyone sexually active has had it at some time, with about 50% of infections being a high-risk type. Most people just clear the virus themselves and never even know. But sometimes, this viral infection will start a process of dysplasia (basically growing weird cells), which can be the start of cervical cancer.

The job of a pap smear is to check the cervical cells for dysplastic changes that indicate things might progress towards cancer, or for the virus itself. (What it looks for specifically depends on your age and previous results, but the process is the same for you). When lesions are found early, they are VERY easily treatable. The pap smear saves thousands of lives every year by preventing cervical cancers.

How is a pap smear performed?

A device called a speculum will need to be inserted into your vagina to hold open the walls of the vagina and allow the provider to visualize the cervix. Once this is in place, a soft brush-like device is passed up through the vagina, pressed against the cervix, and swirled around several times to collect cells. This may feel weird or uncomfortable, but shouldn't cause pain. Most people don't feel it at all, the speculum being the worst part. The whole thing takes about one minute.

Separate from the pap smear, the provider may also perform a bimanual exam, which is when they insert fingers from one hand into the vagina while pressing down on the abdomen, to look for masses, abnormalities or tenderness.

Who needs a pap smear?

CURRENTLY (as of 2023), everyone with an intact cervix who is 21 or older is recommended to get pap smears, regardless of gender identity, sexual orientation, or sexual history. Between ages 21-29, you should go every 3 years, and after age 30, every 5 years (depending on results - if you get a positive, you would need more frequent observation).

If you are older than 21 and have never had any kind of sexual contact with anyone at all (including hands, mouths, or sharing toys!), you can discuss with your provider to see if a modified schedule may make sense based on your risk level.

Note: The HPV vaccine may change these recommendations in the future! I strongly recommend getting the vaccine if you have not already!

---

OK, Anon. With that public service announcement out of the way, let's talk about the real meat of your question.

The best thing I can recommend is to take the time to find a provider you vibe with. Someone with whom you feel safe, with whom you have mutual respect. See if your local LGTBQIA+ support group has recommendations, or if any clinics in your area have providers that specialize in LGTBQIA+ or trauma-informed care. Call and ask providers questions about how they handle people who struggle with pelvic exams. Generally, avoid crusty old men.

A good provider will warn you before ever touching any part of your body, go slowly, and ask permission each time, and stop the second you tense up. A GREAT provider will make you feel in control the whole time - they may let you insert the speculum yourself and not make you use stirrups if they're triggering for you. Medical consent is the same as sexual consent - just because you're disrobed in that room doesn't mean you need to let anyone touch you. You do not have to undergo a pap smear with a provider you don't trust. You are allowed to walk away.

Other things to try:

You can ask for a short-acting anti-anxiety medicine, like Xanax, to take before the visit, provided you've got a ride.

You can bring a companion, or ask for a nurse to hold your hand.

Chat nonstop, tell stupid jokes, or listen to music on headphones, whatever kind of distraction works best for you.

Meditate, practice belly breathing, really focus on full body relaxation, especially of the pelvic muscles

Remind yourself that it's one minute every few years for the piece of mind that you won't get cancer.

Be open to the possibility that it won't be as bad as you're fearing.

Know that you are brave and strong. You can do hard things. You can do anything for one minute.

If any other trans folx out there want to share tips with Anon for how to navigate gynecologic exams, please share!

[starwalker03]

What was WMLP Dick like after Slade’s death? If a hero had tried to reach out to him (to Renegade) within the month of Slade’s death how would Dick have reacted?

oof. yeah. man was complicated.

On the one hand he was relieved and happy because he was finally free of Slade and could do what he want. On the other hand, Slade is all he's known for ten years and he's... grieving.

His first fic installment, where he's struggling with the grief and loss but hating that he is, is after several months of handling this shit. And he's still trying to figure out what to do with all the feelings. Wally's reaction, horrified but still semi-understanding, is the thing that settles him a little and makes him realise that it's understandable to be feeling the way he is but like... he still has to keep moving forward regardless.

If someone had noticed Deathstroke's death and taken it as an opportunity to reach out to Renegade and brig him to the light side... well I suppose it'd depend on who it was. For the most part Dick wouldn't see a lot of value in the gesture. He'd assume it's just cause no one wants another Deathstroke on the scene. They don't really care about saving Renegade, if they did they'd have tried before now.

If it was specifically Batman... or well I suppose there'd be a list of people. Batman, Superman, Red Arrow, Black Canary, Wonder Woman or The Flash. if they tried to approach him and talk him away from the whole thing then he'd listen. it;d be a difficult conversation, but he'd at least listen to it, try to decipher the angle they were coming from. If it were specifically batman he'd be emotional about it, probably angry, because why the hell did Bruce wait till now to try and save him? but the others he'd have a bit more lenience with.

they probably wouldn't be entirely successful, but they would probabaly leave enough of an impact on Dick that he might not immediately jump headfirst into the role. He might go see Artemis first or smth, find a different way to handle all his trauma and grief but still move on from Renegade.

[myguiltyartpleasure]

15 people, 15 questions

Tagged by @fanfic-gremlin-ft-trauma, thanks!

1.) Are you named after anyone?

Nope. Tried to ask several times about possible reasons, but my parents said they just liked this name

2.) When was the last time you cried?

Not sure, but probably in previous couple of weeks. I couldn't sleep and stared overthinking and got too sad about it 😅

3.) Do you have kids?

Nah, not interested

4.) What sports do you play/have played?

I tried gymnastics during 1st grade. I liked it, but it was too cruel for me. Other than that I reeeeeeally don't like sports

5.) Do you use sarcasm?

Yep

6.) What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Whole demeanor I guess, the kind of vibes person is giving. And their hairdo

7.) What’s your eye colour?

Blue and grey with little bit of green. I'm not sure how to describe it

8.) Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings mostly. There's too much awful stuff going on in real world to be devastated because of fictional stuff 😥

9.) Any talents?

I like to think I'm creative and resourceful person. Does it count as talent? I'm also good at hairdressing, know thing or two about haircutting and looove dying hair, specifically "unnatural" colors. I want to try holographic thing on someone's hair, but sadly, I don't have enough volunteers for my experiments. Usually it's my own hair, but I've settled on current one some years ago

10.) Where were you born?

In a hospital afaik

11.) What are your hobbies?

Gaming! Mostly on PS, some cozy gaming on PC. Love DIY stuff: drawing, cross stitching, sewing, crafting - depends on what I'm into at the moment. I wanted to try archery or boxing, but I think I'm too lazy for it 😄

12.) Do you have any pets?

One affectionate chonky cat 💙

13.) How tall are you?

5’2 or something. Haven't checked for quite some time

14.) Favourite subject in school?

Languages, English isn't my native one. I've tried to start learning German, but I'm not consistent with it. I was also good with math and stuff, but wasn't really a fan of it. I just liked the fact that it's quite easy for me

15.) Dream job?

Honestly? I just want to do different stuff I like without worrying about money. More like I'm dreaming to not have to have a job 😅

I don't have a lot of people to tag here, so I'll tag couple of mutuals @ultfreakme @tellme-astory @dualcordie

[granulesofsand]

Selective mutism vs no talk program anon again. I should probably also add that the way verbal issues are presented are different for that alter and most others as they would not necessarily be too overwhelmed to talk but rather parsing the right words together is difficult and the body feels lightheaded. I know skills can vary throughout the system but I sometimes hear about high support level autistic systems saying individual alters can’t be nonverbal and we consider ourselves low support

Part 1: What you asked

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA, programming, torture mentions

I don’t love how we’re talking about alter identities through the lens of the whole system, but I can help with the programming aspect of this.

This may be programming. If it is, it would likely be scramble or no-talk, depending on the perception of the alters effected. If you already know you have a history of programming, I would lean more towards that possibility.

Scramble progs mix up information both ways. While active, those effected might have difficulty comprehending speech from others or producing it themselves. It can change the way visual or tactile information is perceived as well. Scramble progs are sometimes tied to no-talk, but they don’t have to be.

Other no-talk progs target language, movement, or thought. This can look like inability to put sentences together, lack of understanding of known languages, clenched jaws, biting your tongue (usually not off), brainfog, sudden flooding of emotions or memories, lots of things.

Both are installed by torture, but the alters effected need not hold the programs and the programmed alters need not remember events. The more alters involved, the more complex the structure of the system.

Selective Mutism is associated with anxiety, but I don’t think it’s required for diagnosis. Alters are rarely diagnosed individually because it would be on the record of the whole system. If this alter ever speaks aloud, Selective Mutism might be accurate. I would not say that the system has Selective Mutism just because some speak aloud and some do not.

I have Opinions about alter-specific labels, so the rest is about that.

Part 2: the Opinions

🗝️🏷️ syscourse, alter labels

These use our system as an example because we exist this way and have these experiences as anecdotal evidence. It might be relevant to you, but here’s a TL;DR— alters should be able to identify with labels if they fit that description.

With our experience as a Deaf system, I have no qualms with an alter being Deaf. This is because Deafness is a subjective experience reliant on community and ability. An alter who is deaf/hard of hearing/similarly effected would be Deaf if they know and use a signed language and participate in the Deaf community.

Some systems are not as clear-cut with alters. Some systems share memories between members. Some systems consider themselves collectively one person. All of these are good reasons to refuse an opt-in label like Deaf, but ultimately no one else decides whether or not you are Deaf enough.

Alters are capable of producing varying presentations within a body. This is a well-researched phenomenon, and if it were not there are still many systems who live this reality. Some effects only appear the same, others functionally are.

We have asthma. The younger alters have not had treatment for asthma, so the body has severe asthma when they are fronting. Their brain maps do not include information about medications and their effects, only what they front for. They would also have mild asthma if they took the medication for a while.

Alters in our system qualify for personality disorders, for different heart conditions or digestive issues. All of these tie back to trauma, but every alter has a different set of life experiences to inform their health.

Similarly, support needs are going to vary by alter. One body may not be treated as having this variety, but that is because of an assumption of singular self. It makes sense that some alters have different symptoms, and what they ID as should be up to them.

Refusing an alter’s right to choose who they are is only proof that others do not see us as whole. If you are an alter who feels this way, you may adjust your labels accordingly.

It is not acceptable to treat every system like this without intimate knowledge of who they are and how they function, and even then it would be preferable to talk it out rather than make their decisions for them.

If an alter is nonverbal in the same way a singlet is nonverbal, they should be able to choose that label accordingly. It may well be that this protector is nonverbal rather than SM, or it may be programming. They should have the space to determine which seems to fit best and how to proceed.

We have many alters who are nonverbal, but some of us were tortured into behaving otherwise. We were stuck between a rock and a hard place, and if we had not split someone who could do what was asked, we would have died.

We maintain relationships by alter rather than as a body, so many of our friends know our body as nonverbal because this is all they will ever see. Alters have the experience of being nonverbal all the time, they should be allowed to find peers who understand them.

I don’t see this as the same as race; you cannot change the body’s race, you cannot have the experience of another body’s race. An alter can have experiences with many other things. It is little more than the Deaf community gatekeeping from those who are HOH or use cochlear implants. Sometimes we do belong, and we are not wrong for existing.

[many-but-one]

Had an anon in my inbox reallyyyy piss me off. I had typed out a response and realized I needed to just make a different post and delete the anon. I was pissed about what they did, but they had shared a lot of detailed and personal backstory info that would be really fucking rude for me to answer with basically a “fucking stop doing this shit to me, anons” reply. As annoyed as I am about it, I’m not going to put them on blast with their trauma info out there for the whole internet to see.

That being said. This is the response to the anon who trauma dumped in my inbox asking if their trauma would count as RAMCOA:

Reasons I’m not answering this:

1) You said you read the DNI and knew you were violating it by asking this and did it anyway. You even said in your anon you knew you were crossing my boundaries and you did so anyway. (“I know this majorly crosses boundaries, but—“) No. No buts. As a trauma survivor one would think you’d know how violating it can be for someone to cross your boundaries. My DNI is so so so basic, and yet. And yet!

2) Trauma dumping in my inbox. Anons please stop doing this. I am a trauma survivor. I can’t read details about your trauma. Not only that, but this one is asking about RAMCOA specifically. If what you went through was anything like what I went through, you talking about it like this off the cuff and unprompted (and not even trigger warned, fucksakes, jumped right into it) could have severely triggered us. What we do when severely triggered depends on the alter and it’s usually not great.

Overall, anon, be more considerate. I am a human being, you know. I know the screens and anonymity put distance between us, but I am not just a tumblr bot that churns out DID information. I am a person. I would never EVER encourage someone to research RAMCOA on their own, which puts me in a bind because it would make me want to answer this even though it could be detrimental to my own mental health. I like helping people when I can, and I’ve learned to set boundaries so I am not overextending myself. Which is why I have “I will not dx you or validate your experiences” on my DNI. There are three things on my DNI and you violated number one. If you think you have RAMCOA related trauma, you need to seek out a specialist. This is not something you should be unpacking alone, much less to a stranger on the internet.

That’s it. I have nothing more to say.

[endogenichaven]

tw: anxiety, self-harm, and suicide mentions

Hey. I have a question about traumagenic and endogenic systems (and if I might be a system or *becoming* one), and i don't really know where to go for resources.

So, like, 10-ish years back, i first noticed that when i talked/argued with myself, it was no longer me exactly. Like it was, but she was somewhat to the left, if that makes sense? and then since then, i've found her to be ... separate? Like, she feels more split off and more "definitive" than at the start, and also she feels less feminine and more...idk. like instead of a person, she's just this void. but she still has a feminine voice, so i call her she even though it doesn't sound quite right.

Then, a few years ago, i noticed two other "voices". One of them was also female and she told me she was Killer Frost (yes, from The Flash), but has since decided to go by Kaitlyn and has calmed down a lot (she used to be very aggressive and dark-humored and basically like Killer Frost from the show before she calmed down). The other is an Asian guy named Justin. They were actually invaluable to me during 2020 because when my college went online, i started dealing with a lot of stress and even started having these anxiety attacks and there were several times i started wanting to cut or k*ll myself, and Justin and Kaitlyn always jumped in and helped talk me back.

the problem is, none of them have ever fronted. (I one time invited them too, but then immediately had a panic attack because the thought "what if they're demons and you just invited a demon to possess you" entered my head and Justin [the one i was currently talking to] said something along the lines of 'only when you're ready'.) They've all just been "voices" i hear in my head, though they do feel distinct from me, especially Kaitlyn and Justin.

also, i can't tell if it's like an alter, or me just talking to myself (seeing as that's how this whole thing started).

I do have childhood trauma and have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it, but i was 10 when the trauma took place, which from what i've seen in what i can find on DID, is too old for DID to form, which is why I'm unsure if i should look into traumagenic or endogenic systems for answers.

Sorry if this was too long or wordy or whatever. Any answers or resources you can provide are appreciated ^.^

It's fine! Apologies for the wait time, we didn't notice this in our ask box until recently.

Fronting isn't required to be plural or a system, so don't worry too much about whether they can do it or not. The only requirement is being more than one, and your experiences seem to fit!

Some forms of plurality do present in a more blended, merged, or faceted fashion similar to yours. OSDD-1a presents with alters that aren't as distinct as those in DID and OSDD-1b systems, and median systems can present as faceted sides or voices of one's own self.

DID and OSDD-1a do have age limits, but traumagenic systems can form at any age. They could have formed from the PTSD, especially if traumas after that initial trauma encouraged their formation. However, it's also not unheard of for some systems to form from self-talk, or as a coping mechanism. These systems may consider themselves traumagenic or endogenic depending on the specifics of how they came about, such as if they formed during the trauma or after, or whether they intended to make another or not. As origin is fuzzy for you, it may be better to focus on what you need support or help with for now, than how everyone came about.

General plural spaces might be a good area to start, since they tend to care less about origin and might be able to guide you towards more specific resources. Here are a couple of links that might help:

r/plural

Dissociative Initiative

Kinhost.org

From there you should be able to find more specific resources that may suit you better. Hope this helped, and good luck!

[roobylavender]

The interesting thing about this whole Dick and Jason and brothers thing is that the actual sibling relationship I find more compelling is the one between Kory and her sister. Like there is so much there and so much more to explore AND it’s about sisters! (Something that I feel rarely happens)

the general insistence to treat the robins like siblings has never really made sense to me because it detracts from the fact that it’s their lack of connection to each other beyond their source point with bruce that makes it so easy for one predecessor to haunt his successor and so on and so forth. bruce’s choices with dick or the lack thereof were always at the back of his mind with jason and depending on how you want to weave canon they did ultimately influence bruce's decision to suspend jason from duty which subsequently lead to a death in the family. and then the ghost of jason’s failure hung over tim’s entire tenure and created this tension between his desire to help and do good versus his sheer naivete in the face of what was always going to be a brutal career path for a child, and that failure also contributed to how jason’s legacy was warped after his death. if damian's introduction had been executed the right way there would have been a tension between him knowing that bruce was a father to several boys before him but never a father to him specifically despite technically owing that duty as a biological father. it’s all of those distant connections and purported lack of closeness between the robins that is really what ought to be capitalized on because each of them wants something so different out of life and yet all of them have bruce to thank for getting them to where they are in terms of a starting point, and reconciling with the love and trauma of that is hard

[karmicretributixn]

opinions...?!

In order to properly start off a rewrite, I’m going to start by addressing the things I did and did not like about Halloween Ends. While I have my list of criticisms for this movie, I want to establish that I don’t think it’s a terrible movie. There were some things in it that I think were done well and gave the trilogy’s ending some less expected elements (which, when working with a source material that’s been sequeled and rebooted to hell with various but fairly similar plots, is admirable to at least attempt).

I feel like some types of content are implied given that it’s a slasher movie, but aside from the obvious gore and violence, some other stuff that will be involved in the discussion: suicide/suicidal ideation, mentions of incest, Black stereotyping

GOOD STUFF:

Establishing attempts to move on. While it is a bit of a longer time skip than I expected, Laurie really needed to reclaim her life for her own sake and for the sake of not seeing her stuck in the same emotional arc each and every movie. From becoming a better mother figure to Allyson to finding really endearing, awkward old people love with Frank (a character we’re at least somewhat familiar with already), I enjoyed seeing Laurie learn from the mistakes her former intense state of paranoia caused her to make and try to create a life for herself. It was an enjoyable glimpse into the Laurie we might have seen if Michael hadn’t plagued so much of her life, a person outside of fear. (I found her attempt to bake the pumpkin pie as a “Halloween tradition” to be really sweet and a sign of her genuinely trying to work past the trauma surrounding the holiday.) I would’ve liked to see more of this from Allyson as well outside of finding work. However, I felt the justifications for why she struggled to return to normalcy were valid; losing your mom alongside feeling responsible for the mental and emotional wellbeing of your grandmother who you’ve known to be unstable most of her life isn’t exactly the formula to create a normally functioning young adult.

“Suicide or cherry blossoms.” Sort of an extension of the above, but the idea that there are things worth living for even when it seems like it would be easier to die. Up until Michael’s final death, Laurie struggles to feel like she should live, especially when a decent amount of Haddonfield’s community blame her directly for the man’s most recent serial killings. We see her consider suicide through several means, whether by her own hands or through allowing Michael to take her life in order to finally sate his bloodlust (or so she believes). However, Laurie finds little things to hang onto, whether that be writing her book to try and help others through their own respective hells, finding a cute boy for her granddaughter to take to a Halloween party (you tried queen

Michael taking a temporary interest in someone specifically outside of the Strodes, even if just for his own gain. I don’t entirely enjoy how the writers developed Michael and Corey’s relationship primarily because it made Michael seem really underwhelming in a movie that’s… well, supposed to be about his famous reign of terror ending. However, I like the idea of Michael having a brief period of dependency on someone else because it drags them down to his level and provides a window into seeing more human aspects of him. Not exactly in the way we’d expect from a normal person (since Michael is… at least partially a supernatural being at this point? Lore really likes to go back and forth about that lol), but it at least indicates that the parts that are definitively human are starting to catch up with him (e.g. age). While it was primarily orchestrated by Corey, I feel like it would’ve been interesting for Michael to see Corey as his pet project, if at least to get more people for him to kill in order to charge his power back up to get back to his original mission of killing Laurie. (I’m… not even going to pretend like I know what the whole “killing to become stronger/undying” thing is about. I feel like it’s okay in concept, but when I feel like the movie tries to boil it down to “Michael is just a guy in a mask” at the end I’m just like ??? sorry you literally established that’s not true like 30 minutes ago)

STUFF I DID NOT PERSONALLY CARE FOR:

Corey’s character arc was a mess. It was already pretty bold to try and fit him into the final movie of the trilogy without having anything previously established about him while also trying to wrap up the existing plot, and I feel like the time crunch really did a disservice to what he could’ve been as a character. While I can appreciate how writers tried to set him up as a new “boogeyman” for the town of Haddonfield to focus on and vent their fears onto while Michael was still at large, I feel like there isn’t sufficient time for the audience to grow to care about Corey before he starts killing. The fact he becomes almost JD-esque makes his emotional struggles as a person seem really disingenuous in favor of creating a confident persona out of nowhere that stems from him doing… more of what initially ruined his reputation? His life? He wasn’t even at rock bottom anymore at the point of coming into contact with Michael. He had a job, a father figure that (while certainly imperfect) showed at least some understanding of his struggles both at home and in Haddonfield at large and tried to give him a footing to get his life back together. While Corey still certainly had reasons to have outbursts after a lot of inner turmoil, it still doesn’t make sense to me for him to resort to killing so quickly. Even when you feel like no one will ever see you as anything but a monster, why after getting a girlfriend who is apparently your everything now and doesn’t see you as a freak would you try and make things worse? Especially by teaming up with the guy who ruined her life via his own homicidal rages? It doesn’t even make sense under the context of Michael somehow infecting him with his “evil” (however that’s supposed to work) considering Corey still shows agency over his actions and wouldn’t have any reason to lean into the whole killing thing so hard. 

Speaking of evil… I’ve struggled with this since the original Halloween, but what exactly are we considering “evil”? The lack of definition starts to become concerning when the movie begins to draw direct parallels between Michael and Corey. There could have been an interesting opportunity to distinguish between someone who believes they’re inherently evil for doing something wrong by accident (killing Jeremy, in Corey’s case) and people who commit heinous acts with ill intent and don’t hold themselves to those moral standards. Instead, the movie attempts to group Corey and Michael together as being one in the same which is…ridiculous, quite frankly, given the fact one of them is a prolific serial killer with little to no visible signs of humanity and the other being a pariah who just doesn’t want to be bothered anymore and regularly expresses that he feels awful about causing the death of another. It would have been more compelling to see Corey stoop to Michael’s level, realize he himself was never that terrible despite what others said about him, and then help our main gang stop Michael once and for all. Killing himself in a near typical yandere fashion of “if I can’t have her, no one can” over a girl I dare say he barely knew was incredibly underwhelming and unfulfilling in terms of satisfying his character arc.

Allyson and Corey’s romantic relationship was awkward, rushed, and did not at all feel organic. The fact that Allyson was almost immediately and visibly interested in Corey upon meeting him literally made me cringe, it just really gave off “boy character meets girl character so obviously they will date!!”. Their following interactions also felt really sloppily put together and didn’t really generate a lot of meaningful chemistry outside of establishing a mutual hatred of where they live and, uh. Liking motorcycle rides at night and kissing. Considering they are both outcasts in their own right, it would’ve been nice to see them actually get to know each other and understand their respective struggles beyond just the obvious ones related to killing. (Corey and Allyson both also had family struggles regarding their mothers, but that literally never gets brought up aside from ragging on Laurie whenever possible.) I feel like their connection would’ve been better embodied by friendship and possibly misplaced romantic feelings sourced from feelings of isolation in their homes and community. The idea of a really sudden romantic relationship from Corey’s end also feels strange to me because... while I feel like it was a really extreme bomb to be dropped without elaborating on it much, it seems to be implied that he’s a victim of covert incest (overt when we see it at its height)? While that in itself doesn’t mean Corey should never have a romantic relationship, I feel like it was somewhat insensitive writing in light of that to give him a female partner that escalates their relationship fairly quickly. Not that it’s not mutual, but Allyson definitely seemed to be more of the leading force in initiating the romantic and physical parts of the relationship whereas Corey was initially more hesitant. (Maybe I’m reading too much into that, but it feels odd to me without them having more onscreen platonic chemistry leading up to that)

I noticed the movie tries really hard to recycle tropes typical of 80s movies and fit them into a movie set in 2022. First, you have the typical high school bullies that drive around in Rich Dad’s fancy car to harass our classic outcast on the side of the road (why are high schoolers bullying a 25 year old like he’s one of their peers? Not incorrect but definitely odd in execution). A radio station making inflammatory statements about happenings in the town also gives off that vibe. Then, you have the more obvious good boy-gone-bad with the motorcycle and survivor heroine duo who both think the place that hurt them needs to burn (cough Heathers cough). I feel like chances to incorporate some modernity were underutilized in favor of emulating the aesthetic created by the first Halloween movie. I think the most modern thing I saw was an iPhone, and even then, they looked like the ones from 2015 LOL

Whether by accident or not, many of the Black characters in this movie are portrayed as aggressive towards the main white characters. It’s never really a good look when a large portion of Black characters in a film display little personality outside of being an asshole, and the few who manage to not fall under this category are still found victim blaming white characters with what little screen time they have. Let’s round out their personality traits to make them more of a whole person with their respective place in a story rather than just an agent of physical/emotional conflict for other characters.

if you read this far. i am staring at you with beady eyes. i have more thoughts but i figured 2000 words might already be a lot for one post LMAO. let me know what you think or if you have any additional thoughts! (just be respectful pls)