#source: John Mulaney

[incorrect-tokyodebunker]

MC: I found this bottle in Romeo's room, is this supposed to be whiskey or perfume?

Taiga: [grabs the bottle, downs the whole thing]

Taiga: It's perfume.

[howfrightening]

Trevor: I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her, that is not true!

Trevor: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much!

[ladyinrosso]

HAZBIN HOTEL incorrect quotes: 12/

source x

[incorrectgliyeraba]

[professor!Elphaba, architectural designer!Glinda au] Glinda: We're not so different, you and I. Glinda: You with your historical documents... Glinda: And me with my markers.

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Fritz: You know those days when you're like, "This might as well happen."

[uncorrectintamed]

Wen Yuan: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 3:

(Part 1 2 4)

Vox: I was hoping by now that I would look older. But it didn’t happen. I don’t look older I just look worse, I think. Honestly when I’m walking down the street nobody’s ever like “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Woah! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.”

Angel: Part of me was like whatever, you know? You know those days when you’re like “this might as well happen.”

Angel and Vaggie about their respective partners: I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say.

People watching the show: I think eventually everything is going to be okay. But I have no idea what’s gonna happen next.

Niffty: I know now I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Charlie, about Alastor: We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.

Any time literally any character’s backstory or internal issues is revealed: Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

[autism-autobot]

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 3*

Erlang Shen: I was over on the bench.

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 4*

Erlang Shen: I was over on the bench!

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 5*

Erlang Shen: I was OVER 👏ON THE👏 BENCH👏!!!!!

[daemon-is-perfectly-unhinged]

I have had a long day, I am very small, and I have had no sleep so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

- Rhaegar Targaryen

[incorrectjokerout]

Bojan:In terms of instant relief,canceling plans is like heroin.

[nerdasaurus1200]

Eugene, on a daily basis: This might as well happen. Corona is already so goddamn weird.

[mysteriousdoll]

Codotverse Incorrect Jokes the second

I can’t help it, @voiceboss has infected my brain, he’s all I hear. (But fr tho no other Riddler voice sounds right, he’s objectively the right one-)

Jon: Just tell us what yer doin’ so you can go ram your head through someone else’s house!

Edward: He is being an idiot, Jonathan. Kind of like yourself just for asking what Alastor is doing.

Jon: Every time I fight, it just gets worse. This has got to run its course, Ed!

Alastor: ANYWAYS. The plan is to create a tune so loud that I explode!

Edward: Bravo, Alastor. That was stupider than I thought it was going to be.

Jon: Whaddya mean? Like a sonic boom? You can’t achieve that because attempting it alone would rupture your vocal cords.

Jervis: It sounds like you should get a new ambition, Alastor.

Alastor: No, I don’t want a new ambition, I like this one!

Edward: Just let him kill himself, Jervis!

Jon: He can’t even kill himself that way, he would need, at least, 17,000 kilojoules of theoretical energy to even maintain that note.

Alastor: So you’re saying it can be done?

Jon: No.

Alastor: Those are my favorite odds!

-

Alastor: Just go! I’m worthless! Leave my house and never come back!

Jon: No!

Edward: What do you mean no?! What’d you do that for?!

Jon: …I dunno- he told me what to do! He’s not the boss!

-

Edward: Jonathan, will you tell Joker to shut up?

Jon: Shut the fuck up, Joker, you’re a fucking asshole.

-

Jon: Is that where you’re gonna sit?

Edward: I’m driving, where else would I sit?

Jon: Trunk.

-

Jon: I… think I may have found a project of Oz’ I can get behind doing. Helping these cats and dogs. They should be rewarded for not being people.

Jon, softly, to a dog: I hate people.

-

Jon: Would you shut up for a second??

Edward: Would you get an education for a second?

Jon: Shut up! I’m tryna listen-

Edward: To what? All I hear is your horrendous mouth breathing.

-

Edward: How did none of you hear what I just said?!

Harvey: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Jervis: I got distracted about halfway through.

Alastor: I got too lost in your eyes to hear what you said.

Jon: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

-

Edward: Oopsie, did you decide you wanted some??

Jon: Did you decide you wanted to shut the fuck up?

-

Jon: Look I’m tryna be fuckin’ nice here.

Edward: You know I don’t like spicy food!

-

Jervis: If you were to vacuum jello through a metal tube… well, I think that would be a neat noise.

Edward: I beg to differ.

Jervis: Then beg.

-

Jervis: You two don’t understand! My Alice and I are meant to be! We’re designated basherts!

Jon: Didju drink a thesaurus this morning? I don’t know what you’re saying…

Edward: Not that we don’t support your little dreams and all, but you’re really annoying us, so we’re gonna go ahead and hit you.

-

Waylon: What’re you hosing there, Jonny?

Jon: Jervis won’t leave so I’m spraying him with dirty brown water.

-

Edward: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Jon: (takes it, drinking all of it)

Jon: It’s perfume.

-

Edward: And I was like racking my brain on how someone like this could even exist— and then I found out, he’s from Metropolis.

-

Waylon: Don’t feel bad. You were just tryna do somethin’ nice for a friend, and it exploded in your face. Rather spectacularly.

Edward: Everything I do is spectacular. It’s a curse.

[getting-spooky-on-a-friday-night]

Skid: I am very small and I have no money, Skid: so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

[resident-wof-expert]

Tsunami: People constantly ask me and Riptide if we're gonna have kids, and we always say no.

Tsunami: And every time, they're like, "Never? You're never gonna have kids?"

Tsunami: Like, I don't know! 14 years ago, I smoked crack cocaine the night before my college graduation!

Tsunami: Now, I'm afraid to get a flu shot!

Tsunami: Things change!

[incorrectgliyeraba]

Glinda: "Person of interest" is almost too flattering. Glinda: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, "A man has been murdered in you building and you are a person of interest," I'd be like, "Moi? Oh, do go on."

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Soldier: Sometimes Spy asks me "What do you think you're doing?!" but he actually just means "stop". Spy doesn't actually want to hear my thought process...