#source: John Mulaney

[incorrect-tokyodebunker]

MC: I found this bottle in Romeo's room, is this supposed to be whiskey or perfume?

Taiga: [grabs the bottle, downs the whole thing]

Taiga: It's perfume.

[howfrightening]

Trevor: I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her, that is not true!

Trevor: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much!

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Fritz: You know those days when you're like, "This might as well happen."

[uncorrectintamed]

Wen Yuan: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 3:

(Part 1 2 4)

Vox: I was hoping by now that I would look older. But it didn’t happen. I don’t look older I just look worse, I think. Honestly when I’m walking down the street nobody’s ever like “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Woah! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.”

Angel: Part of me was like whatever, you know? You know those days when you’re like “this might as well happen.”

Angel and Vaggie about their respective partners: I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say.

People watching the show: I think eventually everything is going to be okay. But I have no idea what’s gonna happen next.

Niffty: I know now I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Charlie, about Alastor: We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.

Any time literally any character’s backstory or internal issues is revealed: Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

[autism-autobot]

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 3*

Erlang Shen: I was over on the bench.

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 4*

Erlang Shen: I was over on the bench!

*Seeing the events of LMK Season 5*

Erlang Shen: I was OVER 👏ON THE👏 BENCH👏!!!!!

[nerdasaurus1200]

Eugene, on a daily basis: This might as well happen. Corona is already so goddamn weird.

[resident-wof-expert]

Tsunami: People constantly ask me and Riptide if we're gonna have kids, and we always say no.

Tsunami: And every time, they're like, "Never? You're never gonna have kids?"

Tsunami: Like, I don't know! 14 years ago, I smoked crack cocaine the night before my college graduation!

Tsunami: Now, I'm afraid to get a flu shot!

Tsunami: Things change!

[incorrecthatchetfield]

Blinky: Is this whisky or perfume?

Nibbly: *grabs the bottle and chugs the liquid* ...It's perfume.

[incorrectvtuberquotes]

"The One Thing You Can't Replace" - Ex-Niji Version

AKA the closest I'll ever get to discourse-posting. But if you have quotes for Mint, Doki and the rest, by all means send them in!

Maid Mint: Another story I heard about myself... This one happened in Nijisanji. We had this boss, Mr. Tazumi, and I had a kouhai who went to our agency, Rosemi Lovelock. She was in Obsydia and I was in LazuLight, so she was a gen behind me.

Mint: So Mr. Tazumi was an asshole. And one weekend, he and his yacht decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're an asshole. And Rosemi decided to throw a party at the HQ - hooray! So everyone around Niji heard about it, and we all got up individually and said:

Quinn Benet: Okay. Let's go over there and destroy the place.

Mint: I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world! We were drinking like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off. It was totally unsupervised. We were like dogs without horses - we were running wild.

Mint: I walked down... I walked down to the basement. They had a pool table in the basement.

[Cut to Michi Mochievee, jumping onto the pool table]

Mint: One kid took a running start and threw her body onto the pool table and broke it in half.

[Cut to Kuro, plotting mischief]

Mint: Another kid found out which office was Tazumi's and went upstairs and took a shit on his computer.

Mint: So the party was going great.

[Chat cheers]

Mint: I'm standing in the basement, and I'm holding a red cup - you've seen movies - and I'm standing there, and I'm starting to black out. And I guess someone said, like...

Sayu: Something, something, managers.

Mint: And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled:

Mint/Pomu: FUCK THE MANAGERS! FUCK THE MANAGERS!

Mint: And everyone else joined in! Three dozen drunk EN children yelling "Fuck. Da. Managers." with the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore - you know, that "I served my nickel! You come and take me!" confidence. But EN children.

Mint: The reason someone had said "something something managers" was because the managers were there. So an Anycolor manager walked down the stairs and got to the bottom in the basement, and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling "Fuck the managers!" in his face! And he was almost impressed! He was like, "Wooooowww..." And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went: "Get the paddywagon!"

Mint: And my friend Matara - who is now a mother, this woman has babies - she grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground and yelled:

Matara: SCATTER!!!

Mint: And everyone ran in a different direction. We all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Rat-tat-touille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways - we all ran in different directions.

Mint: I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on a washing machine, and I crawled out through a window into the back alley, and now I'm running through the back alley and there was this big chain link fence. And I thought:

Mint/Pomu: I have never climbed a fence that high before!

Mint: And then I woke up at home.

[Chat laughs uproariously]

Mint: On Monday, I went to work, because that's what we did back then. And I'm walking into the collab, and who do I see but Rosemi Lovelock. And she says to me:

Rosemi: Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?

Mint: And I said no. You know, like a liar. And she said:

Rosemi: Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a dump on Tazumi-san's computer. But the worst thing is, someone stole these old antique photos of Tazumi's grandmother. And our bosses are freaking out about it.

Mint: And I had that thought that only blackout drunks and Steve Urkel can have: "Did I do that?"

[She pauses as chat reacts]

Mint: I figured no, I wouldn't have done that. But I was never sure - until, a year later... Relax!

Mint: I'm playing video games with this kid named Dokibird, that we also went to Nijisanji with. A year later, we've graduated by now. We're playing video games for a couple hours. And then Doki says to me:

Doki: Hey, come here, I wanna show you something.

Mint: And she takes me into her bedroom, and then she takes me into a side room off of her bedroom - never a good thing to have.

Mint: And she shows me a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from Nijisanji parties over the years. And I said: "Why? Why do you do this?"

Mint: And Doki said:

Doki: Because it's the one thing Tazumi can't replace.

[Chat erupts into laughter and cheers]

[ozs-twink-boytoy]

Vic, years later to his therapist: Ok,so back when I was 17, I used to work for this guy called Oz Cobb... go ahead and laugh his name is ridiculous... anyways so he was a mobster serial killer and... oh, I'm sorry, Doctor, did that make you UNCOMFORTABLE? Well, guess what? You're an adult, and he's not even here! So try sitting across him at 17 when he's still got blood on his shoes!

[incorrectjokerout]

Nace,holding an antique bottle:Is this whiskey or perfume?

Jure:*grabs and chugs entire bottle*

Nace:

Jure:It's perfume.

[incorrect-piltover-quotes]

Ekko: *holding an antique bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume?

Vi: *takes the bottle and chugs the whole thing*

Vi: It's perfume.

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Soldier: Sometimes Spy asks me "What do you think you're doing?!" but he actually just means "stop". Spy doesn't actually want to hear my thought process...

[aprill-99]

EACH BRIDGERTON COUPLE AS JOHN MULANEY QUOTES:

Daphne & Simon:

Daphne: “A friend of mine asked me if I’d ever been given the sex talk, and the answer is yes… I think.”

Simon: “My father was COOOLD BLOODED.” + “Does my best friend hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?”

Kate & Anthony:

Anthony: “I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I’ll die.”

Kate: “Get out of here with your facts. Just because you’re accurate does not make you interesting.” + “I’m new in town, and it gets worse.”

Benedict & Sophie:

Benedict: “This is a healthy twenty-eight year old man trying his best.”

Sophie: “I was a maid for a while. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.”

Colin & Penelope:

Colin: “My wife is a bitch and I like her soooooo much.”

Penelope: “We spend most of our time proving to people that we are who we say we are. Think about that for 10 seconds and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.” + “People say crazy things all the time. And those things mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.”

Phillip & Eloise:

Eloise: “Thirteen year olds will make fun of you, but in an accurate way.”

Philip: “It was like, you know one of those days where you just go ‘this might as well happen.’”

Michael & Francesca:

Francesca: “I try to stay optimistic, but I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.”

Michael: “We don’t get better than this. It’s just going to be worse versions of me from here on out.” + “And if you think I seem unlikable or out of control in that story, then just remember, that’s one I was willing to tell you.”

Hyacinth & Gareth:

Hyacinth: “Well none of us ever really know our fathers…… Anyway-”

Gareth: “I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.”

Lucy & Gregory:

Gregory: “I do hear you, and I also don’t want to be doing what I’m doing.”

Lucy: “In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine.”

Lady Danbury & Lord Ledger:

Lady Danbury: “Shut up you’re all going to die! Street smarts!” + “It’s wrong to make fun of people, but it’s just so fun sometimes.”

Lord Ledger: “My vibe is like ‘hey you could pour soup in my lap and I’d probably apologize to you.’”

George & Charlotte:

King George: “it seems like everyone, everywhere, is super mad about everything, all the time.”

Queen Charlotte: “I simply do not give a shit what anybody thinks of me in any situation.”

Bonus:

Violet: “Putting a thirteen year old in charge of your younger kids is like getting a dog to babysit your horse. If something goes wrong, they can just maybe get help a little more quickly.”

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 2:

(Part 1 3 4)

Charlie: My vibe is like, ‘Hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.’

Husk, about Angel: It’s like they’re under the impression that they’re like a celebrity. It’s like they all have this attitude of ‘Don’t you know who I am?! I’m Strawberry Alarm Clock!’ No, I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. It’s just I don’t hang out in the one bar where you get free drinks.

Angel, returning home from work: I am now gross.

Adam, breaking Alastor’s cane: Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm!

Lucifer: Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney, I’m your father.

Vox: Well then, let’s not see eachother for 8 months and it doesn’t matter at all.

Alastor: This is an on fire garbage can. Could be a nursery.

Narrator, about Charlie: Then it is revealed that she has no plan.

Valentino: I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later.

Vaggie, about Adam: And I don’t like to speak ill of the dead, but he was a lousy guy right?