#sorry i need to make posts right now or i will Die i have so many thoughts in my head
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ㅤㅤ★ㅤA promise — Bakugō
— Bakugō x GN! reader.
You like Katsuki, he likes you — is a fact not a maybe. He doesn't seem to believe it thought.
a/n. I had to keep my promise ig. Is VERY short so im sorry, also Im bad at english and is my first one shot so have some mercy plz.
You were going insane. Just a little bit. Well, actually, you were ready to rip out your hair and scream into the void, standing naked as flames consumed you. That's kind of insane.
Every time Bakugō referred to you as his friend—even if he only said you weren’t that annoying and didn’t mind having you around (which was close enough)—you wanted to disappear.
You had done everything but treat him platonically. Sure, you could see how holding hands, cuddling, or crying together might seem platonic. But kissing in bed and saying “I love you” in a completely serious way?
You were completely lost.
At first, you thought it was a joke, then maybe just a game to him.
But now? Now you’re convinced he’s just... dense.
You could tell Bakugō you love him dead serious while looking him dead in the eyes, on your knees and with a big sign that said 'plz marry me,' and he would still think you're joking.
And it was killing you.
"Are you going to study or what?"
You were in his bedroom, "studying." Yeah, right—studying. You just wanted to be there with him. You’d barged in without warning, and yet, he hadn’t even questioned your presence.
"No."
You knew he liked you back. There was no way he didn't, but fuck, he refused to acknowledge it.
"I like you."
His eyes widen for a second before he looks back at his notes.
"Shut up."
"I really do, tho."
"Yeah, whatever."
"I love you."
"If you don't stop, I will kick you out."
"I love you."
" __________ "
"I love you so much."
"Stop it."
"I want to marry you, one day when we're adults. Small or big wedding, or none at all, whatever you prefer."
"I'm being serious."
"So am I."
You two look at each other, him holding his pen so hard that it looks like it's about to break and you looking at him as if he were the most wonderful and prettiest dense idiot you have seen in your life.
"What do you need me to do to make you believe me?"
He ignores you. Mostly because he knows that paying attention to you would just make him more annoyed (because you clearly weren't going to stop) and because he didn't want to accept it.
"Die."
A small smile comes to your mouth. How many people would get offended by that? A lot, but you knew Bakugō didn't mean it.
"You want to recreate Given now?"
Bakugō rolls his eyes, making more notes in his notebook, but you were able to notice a small smirk.
You had forced him to watch it a couple of months ago, and he swears he didn't cry. You knew the truth, though.
"Shut up."
"Shut me up yourself, you coward."
He lets out another scoff, and he continues to avoid your eyes.
"Study already."
You loved Bakugō Katsuki, and he loved you back.
No matter how much time it would take you, you were going to make sure to take his last name and hold his hand in a not-platonic way.
One day.
"I love you."
I totally didn't use like 3 grammar online correctors, and re read this like 20 times (It will still have an issue, and I know it). I also didn't copy inspired my introduction (?) from a random post.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed my bad writing style. Im not doing this again, unless I get REALLY bored.
521 words.
#mha x reader#bakugo x male reader#bakugou x male reader#bakugo x gender neutral reader#bakugou x gender neutral reader#bakugou x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#ftm reader#amab reader#afab reader#gn reader#mha fic#bad writing
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I am exhausted, good heavens.
#hey watch this neat trick I can do [cries]#love that for me#BUT#BUT- the actual EFFORT I put these days to not make a suicide jokes is *chefs kiss* phenomenal#actively shitting bricks as I physically have to stop myself from saying I want a car to hit me for the 50th time that day#I am not progressing any more than I am downgressing or whatever the opposite word is. but girlies#and boysies and peepsies#my lipgloss is popping and my eyebags are gucci- and so I shall prevail#MAN this tiredness is BONE DEEP man- it's like it's engraved into my goddamn clavicles#sorry that was like the only bone name I could remember- I don't even know what a clavicle is#anyways- I need to fall asleep forever and never wake up. But not in like a dying way#I just need to stop waking up tired and being tired and going to sleep tired and living tired like GIRL#WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN SLEEP STOPS SLEEPING#I JUST SLEPT 10 HOURS HOW ARE YOU STILL TIRED#I am so tired that i stopped liking shit- like that SUCKS my dudes#I sometimes Don't Like art now and that is WILD to me because that was lowkey the One Thing that got me going#I used to actually LIKE english class! and reading Shakespear and shit!!!! and history class!! Now I don't!! Where did the spark go??????#Now everything feels like a chooooooore and it sucks major dick#and my graaaades are slipping because I stopped giving a damn but I NEED. TO. GIVE. A. DAMN#because those are like highkey lowkey and every-other-key my grades and I need them to go into uni so I don't die <333#I need to spite little mini me who said I wasn't going to live past 13 because BITCH- guess how old I'm turning next week????????#THAT'S RIGHT- 17 YEARS OLD- FUCK YEAH BABY I'M STILL NOT DEAD#SUCK MY BIG ASS SHLONG MINI-ME#and then I have a big biology exam the day after so- funnnnn!!#anywho- should I tag this as vent? this probably counts as vent right? like among us? impostor and shit?#sorry I think my brain is actively rotting out of my ears right now#vent post#personal vent#tw vent#tw sui talk
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various hiiai related hcs bc they are all i think about
aira taught hiiro how to properly use his phone camera once and now he LOVES taking pictures. he sends tons of pictures of stuff he thought was cool to aira whenever they're not together and he takes a bunch of pictures of him and his friends to print out and stick on his wall
after getting over the initial 'oh god pretty boy i cant function help' phase of knowing midori he and aira actually become good friends and bond over liking cute things. they also talk about their pathetic little crushes together
before they're actually dating the ryuseitai juniors are acutely aware of hiiai's mutual crushes on each other (aira told midori and hiiro told tetora) and they occasionally try to push them into just confessing
aira is nosy and loves to hear about pretty 5's relationship gossip but tries really hard to change the subject whenever they try to get him to talk about himself. eventually they force him to invite hiiro with him to a meeting once and aira is mortified but hiiro has a good time
hiiro is a little bit sad that he can't see the stars as well in the city as he could back home. he tells aira that someday he'll take him somewhere where they can properly look at the stars together (he will point out all the constellations when they do)
aira purposefully does not wear a jacket when its cold sometimes so he can steal hiiro's. hiiro knows that he does this on purpose and thinks its cute
aira actually needs glasses but wears contacts because he thinks he doesnt pull of the "idol who wears glasses" thing. hiiro comes over to his dorm unannounced and sees him in them when hes studying or something and thinks its adorable. aira starts wearing them occasionally after this
hiiro is very curious obviously and asks aira about his manga which he reads frequently and it starts with him giving hiiro recommendations and lending him stuff and eventually gets to them reading manga together. aira like sits in hiiro's lap and hiiro has his head on aira's shoulder and cuddles him while they read (aira holds it and turns the pages because hiiro reads faster)
aira tries to get niki to teach him how he makes his omurice so he can make it for hiiro as a present but its hard to be secretive about it because he lives in the same room as him. aira's a little mad it didn't stay a secret but its cute anyway
aira likes to bring hiiro shopping and put outfits on him because he's pretty and looks good in everything. also aira buys them matching jewelry
#cryn rambles#enstars#hiiai#airaposting#hiiroposting#sorry i need to make posts right now or i will Die i have so many thoughts in my head#i love my silly guys...........#long post#does anyone actually block the long post tag genuine question
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ok ok you dont need to threaten me here's some art ☹️☹️☹️
appreciate now while you have it because doodles are rare coming from me (only tri-yearly. i cannot doodle for the life of me its hard 🙁)
#say hi to mr. rainbow butterfly pen on the hito mania dust page. he's there to keep it flat. you get to see him as a treat#guys (in particular nobody) let me be fr. i completely came up with the jk!mtt's dynamic because i felt lonely. OK sue me#a person's allowed to project their friendship and socialization need onto their favs ok..... im lonly........#school starts soon time to die i say as i sleep peacefully in my comfy bed#I HAVEN'T DONE MY SUMMER HOMEWORK!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#dust is soooo sasuke haraguchi core. he's SOOOO hito mania medicine coded. need dust content i miss him#i was giggling at jk!horror's expression in the bottom one. she is absolutely furious. the rage hidden behind that smile is comedic#this notebook paper is SO FUCKING GOOD OH GOD ITS ALL OVER THE SCREEN 🤤🤤🤤#it's so smooth to draw on i absolutely love it. and it's just soooo delectable i could eat this notebook#this is the notebook i previously mentioned. 2019 me ate this notebook up and now i am too because GODDAMN 😭😭😭#guys im so sorry i had a 4koma for the jk mtt im progress but then i decided to log onto hi3#and then i got distracted for a day. or two. or three. sowwy for not posting :3#drawing the mtt makes me :3 so bad its unreal. i only feel :3 when i see them /srs. they make me :3 they make me prrrr mrrwwwww moewwwwwrrr#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#bad sanses#bad sans gang#nightmare's gang#tricule art#jk fashion au#guys would someone understand if i said that mtt was ✌️🤘🤙 coded. does someone get it. someone else HAS to understand#mtt and their random ass emojis i associate with them ✌️🤘🤙💙💜❤️✧☆♡🐱🐰🐶 UHHHHHGGHHHHthey are in everything#i forgot jk!dust's hairclips someone shoot me RIGHT NOW!#MY HANDWRITING IS SO ASS WTF#i have to add alt text just because this shit is so ass wtf i need to write properly#why is everything on paper you may ask? well its because drawing on digital is the most draining uncomfortable thing i've ever done. paper#I LITERALLY CANNOT GET USED TO DIGITAL. i just can't. i like having an ipad but i will always be better & more comfy on paper with pencil 🙁
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The choice from Sunday is kinda weird cuz the options are build a cage in the house for the bird or build a nest where it fell and one leads to the bird growing up but dying once its set free and the other one probably leads to it dying much sooner. They both feel like the same option and even tho obviously the most kind, caring, morally right thing to do is keep it inside so at least it lives longer even if it's in a cage. But like to me both options suck and are basically nothing cuz I'm sorry if I look like a bad person for this, but I'm not sorry, but I'm not fuckin touching a wild animal. Even if I knew it was there even if I bothered to check out the sound to find a bird, which I wouldn't, I'm not touching it. I'm not even getting close enough to find out it's too young to fly yet. Whatever happens to it happens man and I'll never know what happens to it cuz I'm not even gonna look at it. Like, where's the 'you seem like an asshole but really it's quite a normal choice' in this whole trial thing??? That's usually an option you can pick. Sunday!!! Sunday, listen!!! There are more than two choices!!! You don't have to always do something!!!! You can just walk away!!! You don't have to try to do something for everyone all the time!!! Think about yourself sometimes!!! It's not selfish I promise!!! SUNDAY!!! OH MY GOD HIS WINGS ARE COVERING HIS EARS HE CANT HEAR US!!!!
#i genuinely dont wanna pick anything#like okay. i know they dont have animal control or a shelter in this setting. but irl genuinely just call some people and see if theyll take#it if you wanna do something about it.#you are not getting my ass to touch a wild animal of any kind. i dont care what the situation is#i was asked once if i could help take care of some baby mice a friend accidentally ruined the nest of and a shelter wouldnt take them#and i was like. im sorry but no cuz i know for a fact im not equipped to handle something like that and i dont wanna touch wild mice and#i KNOW at least some of them will die and i wanna now have to deal with dead mice. and you know what happened?#the friend couldnt keep up with how often they needed to be fed and they died. and now you have dead mice.#something could have happened where they survived outside like the mom came back and fixed it maybe or at least one fended for itself#like its a shame the nest accidentally got ruined but it was an accident and things like that happen all the time#yes its an accident you caused but in the case of something like that i really dont think its suddenly your responsibility now#and i know itll make you feel better to try to make up for it but now you have dead mice#and i know for some people at least trying to help makes them feel better but now we're at the point where i just dont understand#i just cant comprehend the feeling or the idea or the thought.#so its like. i get sunday feels like he HAS to do something for everyone all the time but its genuinely turning him into a monster and he#cant see that. like trying all the time despite getting nothing done will tear you apart. let yourself rest#do the small things you can do around you. dont put the weight of everything on you all the time otherwise you wont get anything done#and youll start thinking not doing anything isnt even an option anymore#i promise its okay. take a break.#im not even referring to sunday anymore. you 🫵 its okay. take a break. make yourself feel better#then come back to things with a clearer calmer mind and do the small things you know you can do#dont force yourself to do everything because you feel like you have to. itll be okay. i promise#hsr 2.2 spoilers#hsr spoilers#oh right this is a spoiler post ifnfjfnfk#long post
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CUPID HI Being nervous of image does happen sometimes and it's a really difficult thing but I think you're so FUN! Not a lot of people want to be [ Whatever you'd call your behavior ] for a similiar reason you're apologizing for so I think you should take a day to appreciate that uniqueness isn't a horrible dooming end of the world situation. Take what you think is a flaw of yours and look at it as something that others love you for. I can promise that people most likely PREFER you're overly excited
ajgkfhdkfdkjghkjfdhgjkfdhgjkfdhgkjfdhgfdjkg this is too sweet i really wish i could express how much i needed it i hope you have the best day ever. i love you so muchhh
#i just woke up i slept after posting all that#it's going to take a LONG TIME FOR ME TO EVER accept myself but i can tell you mean this#it's not said for the sake of making me feel better#im hugging you#no one has to ever send big messages to cheer me up i usually just get into these moments where the paranoia is heightened and i worry#it passes#i still needed this admittedlyy. i try to act all “tough” like a lonewolf siutation when i know damn well i cant cope#HEPL#like no way do i want to use you guys as therapists i mean i don't mind comfort just sometimes. i usually shut it down#i should be more open to it though#stop thinking “omg everyone feels forced to care about you”#it's always that and “EVERYONE HATES YOU JUST DIE ALREADY” like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA what the fuck!#my brain is so feverish annd scaryy my thoughts get so bad always#i def feel like. RIGHT NOW i have a lot to be thankful for so it feels selfish to ac t this way but anyways#goodnight again#AND IM SORRY I SAW THIS KIND OF LATE???????????????????????????????#uh#BYE BYE IF ANYONE READ ALL THAT
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how i feel about TBYS causing a shockwave effect of everyone dogpiling on and harassing Illymation and spreading extremely easily disprovable and malicious misinformation about her and putting her in a lot of danger for literally no legitimate reason
#big rant in the tags incoming hold on to your hats:#i swear drama commentary youtubers are actually some of the most dense people on the fucking planet#like holy SHIT i have never seen a bigger display of collective stupidity than every drama commentary grifter harping on illy based on shit#-she didn't even say that they heard from a guy who sounds like budget ben shapiro. how are you that dense. like how. actually how.#it's just a big stupid game of idiot telephone with how much basic shit people are getting wrong because they heard it whispered from-#-another person. istg if i have to see ONE more person say that ''oh but she's encouraging obesity'' ''oh but she said [thing she literally#-didn't say]!!!'' im going to SCREAM. i am going to throw my phone against the wall if i see one more malicious misinterpretation of a-#-basic statement that even a fucking doorknob could understand with more grace and nuance than these idiots#i swear to god this is all so STUPID#drama commentary youtube is where basic reading comprehension and common sense go to die. it is the 10th circle of internet hell-#-just below 4chan.#anyway rant over glad i got that out of my system.#i hope illy is doing well and that she and her partner and her cats are safe <3#sorry for being so angry. this whole situation literally makes my blood boil and i'm so upset that an innocent person got put in danger-#-because of some nerd emoji sounding wackass blatantly lying about her and being a dickhead#this is the first and last post i'll ever make about internet drama (unless something really REALLY funny happens) i just needed an outlet-#-to scream into for a few minutes#drama commentary youtubers delete their entire channels and leave the internet right now challenge#shitpost#youtube drama
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i just like. wish ppl would realize how bad things are for most diaspora jews atm and like. take that into account wrt how they talk abt stuff
#s.txt#every day i see another dozen posts that make me want to cry and further avoid social media#like. i'm sorry i need white gentiles to realize that part of their job here is working to make the diaspora safe for jews!!!#do you know how much harder it is to convince my family that israel isn't the solution when houses in my neighbourhood are getting shot at#and vandalized for having mezuzahs??? which we also had up until they were ripped off by someone a few years back???#and like those are very necessary convos to have and i'm gonna keep having them and doing what i can and everything#but then i come on here and see shit like all zionists deserve to die no matter and it's just like. yall just want to see jews dead actuall#a free palestine is imperative i believe this to the depths of my soul#and things are also very scary right now!!! these are two things that can and are coexisting rn!!#sorry for the essay lmao#and yeah i'm not really on here besides my queue atm bc most of my energy rn is going towards irl convos+stuff and that's good frankly#sorry coming back bc i remembered the thread i saw from a white gentile leftist last week#that referred to israelis as pests that need to be eradicated#in those exact words and like sorry that's just straight up antisemitic rhetoric in so many ways like pls listen to yourself
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what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
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I feel like life series fanon jimmy is kind of mischaracterized and there’s an easy way to make sure you’re doing it right: he has a lot of unearned confidence
#the tags is where I’m going to ACTUALLY say stuff LOL!!!#but like I love life series Jimmy mkay. he’s got that curse of dying first and all. which is what I mean by fanon cuz curses aren’t real#but a lot of fans make it like Jimmy accepts the curse? or even acknowledges that it’s real. which bugs me a bit cuz No He Does Not#(side note tho. I’m not mad about it. I know ppl wanna explore the concept of someone cursed to die first and that’s what they’re doing)#but like Jimmy would just be so in denial about it okay. even if you managed to convince him he would be like ‘..BUT SURELY THIS TIME’#and this relates to ranchers too. I love ranchers ok. mostly cuz my sister does tbh LMAOO she loves them. but ranchers fan content isn’t#what I’m looking for cuz it’s so often stuff like.. Jimmy being like ‘I’m sorry I’m cursed’ and Tango being like ‘it’s ok love u anyway’#but it’s really more like ‘CURSED?? NO! WE WILL WIN!’ which I think is MORE fun for the aftermath of their death. meeting in the afterlife.#I NEED to see ranchers content where they keep denying that the curse is real then Jimmy dies and they’re ghosts or whatever and Jimmy’s#like ‘oh no. we didn’t break the curse. tango probably hates me now. he only liked me cuz we thought the curse wasn’t real.’ and tango to be#like upset at first as anyone would be when they die. but then he like notices the way Jimmy is acting and he’s like ‘no.. ranchers 4 life’#???? what am I saying. hire me for writing fanfic I totally know what I’m doing.#anyways what I’m saying is Jimmy is the canary but he’s the canary that’s like ‘SURELY I can sing for the miners the whole way THIS time’#he is NOT the canary who says ‘WELL time to eventually stop singing in this cave’#HOWEVER I do think that although he has loads of unearned confidence and is in a constant state of denial. he does also have that crumble#sometimes. so it’s not totally ooc imo for him to act like that. but it would be rare moments and also mostly post death#ANOTHER SIDE NOTE I WANNA SAY. I HATE the way I’m saying this as if it’s fact. it’s my personal analysis and just because I think it’s right#doesn’t mean I want to present it as undeniable fact. I could be misinterpreting. if you want to interpret life!Jimmy’s character different#then go on ahead. I don’t hate fanon Jimmy I just wish I saw more like how I see him. that is all.#ok I lied I also wanna add that I’m bad at explaining things ESPECIALLY personalities so it’s possible that I didn’t convey what I wanted to#say properly too. sorry. OKAY NOW THAT IS ALL.
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it is so hard for me not to post every single thought i have on here the moment i have it
#if you think i post a lot (i do) you should see my drafts alkdsfj#A RECAP: i loaded in cori's mom and dad earlier and it made me so sad i was on the brink of retconning cori's entire bg so#that their dad is still alive :(#i did zot as gnb and it was going so well i was about to compliment urianger on here and then he let me die twice to the mob right before#the final boss. rude. also estinien is the only one who actually follows me when i keep running lol#i dont think bard is going to be canon for cori but the deepshadow crossbow IS and i think they would use their aetherotransformer with it#like they do with their multitool/automated crossbow#also im thinking about giving cori back their summoning ability before DT bc im impatient and i feel bad for them :(#but i want them to be primarily mch for DT. but im tired of making them suffer its been almost a YEAR (for me) i want them to be happy agai#and now im going to go take a shower and hopefully write a little bit before i go to bed. BEFORE MIDNIGHT#okay. im free. sorry to everyone who followed me for that corishtola photoset and now have to deal with me akdjfa#i need a text post tag
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you ask me if I'm okay and I just give the fucking saddest look before running to you and tryna hug you only to realize you're a tumblr mutual and not an irl homie and I still try to fucking hug you because dammit I'm not at my best I need help
#demi's dings 🎇#in other words#im going through the worse age of my life rn#i got beaten up for not doing algebra right and now my gut hurts#my friends are being dicks#now legit all my discord friends are gone#and i won't have anyone to talk to next year#i can't anymore#i can't do this#god i just wanna die and wonder if it'll even make my family miss me because they act like i'm a disease for making them look bad#i can't do anything that makes me somebody#i go through having a god complex and being the most pathetic wet cat#im considering death my dad is literally calling me a piece of shit and treating me like an animal#he's considering fucking making me do algebra all day (and would even consider treating me so inhumanity doing it)#IM STILL A KID AND IM SORRY I STILL HAVE THE BRAIN OF ONE#IM SORRY IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU#YOU DONT NEED ME IF IM BRINGING SHAME TO YOU? IS THAT SO?#BITCH FINE I CAN JUST GO DISAPPEAR IM SORRY IM NOT A GOOD ENOUGH DAUGHTER TO YOU#vent post
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Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week
Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"
#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit#started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything#all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future#(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress)#idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now#majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that#that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true”#so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now#well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.#and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it#never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities#I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped#it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back#but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years#fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me#needed to yell about it I guess#vent#phoenix prattles
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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hindsight
[ID: A two-panel comic with crudely drawn stick figures.
Panel 1: The lime green person is talking to the leaf green person and the moss green person.
Lime: "I... have a confession to make."
Leaf: "Go ahead."
Lime: "I want to rewatch the Wizard Child movies."
Leaf: "Didn't the wizard author get incredibly chromophobic?"
Lime: "Yeah I just... It's nostalgia you know? They meant a lot to me when I was a kid."
Panel 2: The three are on the couch.
Lime: "All right, let's go."
Leaf: "It's so weird how the wizard author just turned chromophobic though. Like I remember this series being pretty good for its time. It'll be weird seeing their work contrasting with their views now."
Moss: "I'm just glad we got the movies for free through normal and legal means. Heh."
End ID.]
[ID 2: Scenes from three Wizard Child movies.
Wizard Child and the Simplistic Morality: A slightly round child with a propeller hat is talking to a child with no hat.
Round child: "I am so fucking fat and greedy I am textually shown to be fat because I am greedy and also evil."
Hatless child: "You are to infer my moral purity from juxtaposition with this fat child. Woe is me for our shared parent has deprived me of a propeller hat."
Wizard Child and the Goodness of Wealth: An adult wizard is talking to the child, who now has a wizard hat.
Wizard Adult: "Wizard child you are secretly extremely rich."
Wizard Child: "I will form biases regarding the bankers all being triangular for some reason!"
Wizard Adult: "Your wealth is deserved because your true parent was Good and therefore you are also Good."
Wizard Child: "Now we should acquire consumer goods. Buy consumer goods!"
Wizard Child and the Dark Family History: A blue-grey horse person is talking to the wizard child.
Blue-grey: "No, wizard child. You don't understand. I am one of the good ones, because unlike the bad ones I don't try to spread my curse that makes you a blue-grey horselike creature to others!"
Wizard child: "Wow uncle blue-grey you are one of the good ones! I forgive you for being a horse because I am so good I would even forgive horses. I sure hope you don't conspicuously get killed off later in this movie!"
End ID 2.]
[ID 3: Oh hell no there are even more of these.
Wizard Youth and the Tokenistic Relationship Dynamics: A square headed wizard youth is talking to the former wizard child, now a wizard youth.
Square Wizard Youth: "Wizard child, as the only person with a square head in this entire series it is my duty to inform you that you are the savior of all people with square heads, too. Let us build a one-sided relationship that only furthers your character development, after which I will immediately lose all plot relevance."
Wizard Youth: "I will do this because I am a maturing wizard youth and need disposable relationships that don't threaten the endgame!"
Wizard Youth and the Escalation of Stakes: The Dark Wizard, a sort of grey-green person with a cloak, is pointing at Wizard Youth.
Dark Wizard: "Wizard Youth, I have returned!"
Wizard Youth: "Dark Wizard! Why are you green now?"
Dark Wizard: "Evil magic made me green! I am green with envy towards all who are good!"
Wizard Youth: "I will not engage with how you are clearly based on fascist ideologies and yet this narrative plays into fascist aesthetic sensibilities!"
Wizard Youth and the Post-Hoc Revelations: The Wizard Youth is leaning over their Wizard Mentor, who is laying in a pool of blood.
Wizard Youth: "Wizard Mentor no! You can't die!"
Wizard Mentor: "It is fine, wizard youth. My death will further your character development into a wizard adult. Also, I was secretly a very very dark purple this entire time. I never brought it up so I could retain narrative approval.
End ID 3.]
[ID 4: Wizard Adult and the Overdue Conclusion. Three panels. I am sorry.
Panel 1: The dark wizard is dueling the Wizard Adult with magic beams.
Dark Wizard: "Evil green beam!"
Wizard Adult: "Good red beam! Despite the enormous variety of magic in this series this is what our final battle looks like!"
Panel 2: Wizard Adult stands victorious over the dark wizard, who is dying on the ground.
Wizard Adult: "In the end, dark wizard, you were defeated because I am morally superior to you."
Dark Wizard: "I was a product of systemic failures. There will be someone like me again someday!"
Panel 3: Zoom in on wizard adult, who says:
"Not if I can help it. Because I am going to be a wizard cop now. The moral of this story is that all systemic issues can be solved by finding a bad guy to beat."
End ID 4.]
[ID 5: Four panels.
Panel 1: Return to the green trio on their couch, watching the TV say "The End." All are are silent.
Panel 2: They are sitting on the couch. Moss is looking at their phone.
Lime: "Yeah so there were maybe a few signs we missed because we were children."
Leaf: "Yeah. A few. Some."
Panel 3: Continue conversation.
Lime: "So what did you think, Moss?"
Panel 4: Zoom in on Moss, who says: "I've been zoned out on my phone since the second movie. They lost me at the magic stuff. Wizards aren't real."
End ID 5.]
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Another night I feel like my world is ending, so I went for a drive. Tried to sleep earlier. Nothing doing. Took a couple antianxieties. Surprisingly, not much help. Made me a little sleepy, cried a little, maybe a little more relaxed, but still…. blegh.
So, I’ve got my beeg drink, a podcast going, and I’m sitting in the Kroger parking lot because it’s 4:30+ in the morning and I need to see actual humans walking around. I don’t know how to explain it. Seeing other people continue on with their lives helps calm my doomer anxiety.
This sucks.
#going to give up on sleeping tonight because…#because because because because…#because my brain hates me and whenever I try to sleep now I feel like I’m going to die#I NEED to schedule more appointments#I don’t know why I didn’t. I mean#I mean I do know why I didn’t. it’s because I think I had a couple good days and didn’t want to stress myself#which is stupid. a little stress scheduling today stops me from stressing more later#I need drugs! I need therapy. I might need to see an ENT again bc I’m paranoid about my sinuses#sorry I got annoyed this week seeing posts talking shit about therapy and it just made me feel shitty for needing it#but whatever. whatever works for you. this is rambling#I’m gonna stay up. try to see the sunrise. see more people walking around.#I miss having friends… but damn that was a long time ago#that nice sweet spot right around highschool and right after where we would all hang out all night#just driving around or loitering or watching movies at each other’s places#do you ever really get to have friends like that again?#seems like you’d have to make a bunch of friends in school and then hold onto them as hard as you can#or maybe I just need to be more social. but that’s rough. how’s a 35 year old introvert loser supposed to be social in a normal way?#also…#I just want to be held#that’s all I wanted earlier. to be held for awhile. to have someone comfort me physically.#just hang out with me. sit on your phone next to me. let me know I’m not doing this alone.#be a bro! jeez!#okay it’s almost 5. guess I should get back to driving#whatever. this sucks. I’m so anxious.#you can ignore this#text
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