#and vandalized for having mezuzahs??? which we also had up until they were ripped off by someone a few years back???

[a-schuyler]

long post because i just need to unwind a little bit from these last couple weeks and am having a lot of trouble talking to people in my personal life so i guess the internet needs to hear it because that makes sense

This probably won’t be very coherent?

Anyway you might remember earlier this month my dad, who was deported when I was an infant, invited me to come see him and my sister in Cape Town. He’s invited me numerous times, but I decided this was the year to do it. I got excited, I posted quite a bit about it on here, and someone sent me a nasty comment about “bragging” - as if going to meet my father for the first time was something to brag about. Granted, I’d been posting a lot about the safaris, whale watching, hiking and other activities we’ve been planning but I’d say there’s a pretty considerable difference between a visit with my estranged dad and a vacation. Nevertheless, that hit me in a very sensitive spot and I’ve held onto that for whatever reason. 

Around this time I also found out that, after he was deported, it was my mom who asked him to stay out of our lives. It wasn’t necessarily his decision. I haven’t really told anyone this until now, but I can’t blame my mom for any of it? It made me feel worse and better all at once. I can’t really explain it. 

And there’s the anxiety that comes with meeting him face to face that has left me trying to sustain myself on, like, 800-1000 calories a day because I don’t want my dad’s/sister’s/step-mom’s first impression of me to be, “oh, she could stand to lose 20 pounds.” 

Layered on top of all that is this......incredible anxiety I feel at work. It goes back to October, I think, when I went in for a job interview and just found myself paralyzed with fear. I made it through it OK but the women interviewing me could tell I was a mess. Basically, in two years I’ve gone from a confident career~ girl to a fucking basketcase. Talking myself up in interviews feels like a joke at this point because my job is so fucking demoralizing. And it’s not like I’m getting beaten up on day after day? But I’ve tried to tell my boss over and over again (my entire department has) that we’re overworked. She doesn’t listen. It’s just a hellhole and I’m spread so thin and doing everything so half-assed that it just makes me feel like I’ll never be good at what I do again. 

AND THEN there’s everything with the election. I don’t think I even need to explain it. I’ve had to blacklist “nazis,” “holocaust,” etc., etc. because I just can’t do it. I know there are good posts out there. But my mom’s mezuzah was ripped off her door frame a few years ago and her car was vandalized. I can’t even begin to explain how fucking terrifying this is. Jews have never been safe. I just can’t believe in the year fucking 2017 we have a president who won’t even acknowledge them in his Holocaust Remembrance Day statement. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I grew up surrounded by survivors and they were some of the most beautiful, gracious people I have ever met and they deserve to be recognized. I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe I have a president who makes disgusting, abusive men feel safe and I can’t believe I had to deal with someone like that this week. 

And then, just on a more superficial/personal level, I canceled plans a couple weekends ago on a friend from college who just recently moved here and she (jokingly) told me, “you’re always staying home, you’re not fun anymore!” Which is true. I’ve more or less accepted that very few people want me around these days because I’m either A) a flake, B) very obviously forcing myself to not be miserable when I’m out with friends or C) just a real big downer. I had three NYE invitations and I turned them all down to be “sick,” and one of my sorority sisters has just stopped trying, and I can’t really blame her.

Annnnd then there’s my ex. Who has been keeping me relatively sane but talking with him has honestly just polluted my mind with thoughts of “Well maybe we could...” and I know that’s not where my brain needs to go right now. Besides, all of my friends hated him for their own reasons (from “he didn’t have a ‘real’ black experience growing up” - his parents were immigrants, both extremely wealthy doctors to “he’s an annoying drunk don’t you remember that Halloween party when he came in the cow costume and talked about how many people had sucked the udders”). I haven’t told any of them I’m staying with him one of the nights I’m in Chicago next month because I know at least one of them would probably either murder me or refuse to speak to me for a few days.

But, one good thing - I’m finally setting up my daybed tonight and saying goodbye to, like, three years of not really having a normal sized piece of living room furniture. 

So that’s kind of what’s been going on, all in one post. I wanted to make myself type this out somewhere so I could digest it and reread it and tell myself that it’s OK to feel the way I do right now. In fact, it probably wouldn’t be normal if I was taking this all in stride. I just hope that, between making my first doctor’s appointment in literal years and meeting my family, this year is a step in the right direction because at the moment I’m just tired of bringing a raincloud everywhere I go.