#sorry all! my body hates me a lot
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hii 👋🏾 health has been on a weird downswing since the last time I was "back" to this blog. dealing with it slowly, so that's why I didn't do the update video or resume managing the blog — yet
#sorry all! my body hates me a lot#things will get better but the better part isnt here yet#mostly frantically managing a fragile health state right now
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zane + nya parallels
#alek gifs#ninjago#zane julien#nya smith#that's enough main tags for me#i had to MURDERRR the quality on these sorry for ugliness#also for those confused on why i picked these :#gif 1 “what are they doing” followed by gif 2 which is wu's response.#gif 3 is the funeral and gif 4 is what people did to honor that sacrifice. zane statue and 'nya day'#a lot of these differences are because of the writers / animation studio#i am not power scaling their funerals based on attendance#which is. hilarious concept wise actually#braincellshipping#can be taken as such . wink#something about zane and nya and ice and water and how without one the other cannot function the same#zane going to the digiverse / rebuilding himself. nya going to the sea and having to rediscover who she really is#the way nya saw zane die. like legitimately she was on the rooftop (with pix and borg but yknow)#the way zane's ice was what held nya's form together in s15. oh guys im crazy#they have a lot of trust thats kinda. looked over. she did all of his repairs!! he was fine with her poking around his mind and body#which means a lot bc zane is a very closed off guy. 'i dont feel strong emotions but you can see my every thought nya c: '#also victims of the 'written as hating being seen as one thing... and thing ens up written as just that one thing' ninjago writers issue#zane w robotism. nya with being a girl / jay's girl. oh goodness im cuckoo#ignore how inconsistent the text sizes are i threw this together at 6 am and im NOT feeling it#i forgot how much gif making sucked#oops#rant over
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Sometimes i remember a comics moment i randomly came across somewhere, where Sam Wilson mentiones a musical and Steve Rodgers says he doesn't like musicals, to whitch Sam goes "Guess that means you really are straight" and even tho i don't care about Cap America or the Avengers, the moment stuck in me for that quote by Sam. And like....Sci, any ideas if straight men actually don't like musicals or is that bullshit?
actually i think i know more gay men who hate musicals than i know straight men who hate musicals. i've had a drag queen stop me point blank when i was about to sing a barbra streisand song, and i know so many gays who pointedly hate abba. so based on my experience i think the inverse is true. most of the straight men i know are kind of impartial about musicals, but gay men? hate.
my theory is that a lot of gay men don't want to fall into stereotypes, maybe. but thaaaaat's just a theory! a gay theory.
#sci speaks#i'm trying to understand the gays. they are a mystery to me.#i've seen a lot more toxic masculinity coming from gay men than i have from straight men.#i think it makes sense. they have less women in their lives. so they reckon with a lot more masculinity. more dick measuring.#also gay men have some of THE most unhealthy romantic relationships i've ever seen in my life.#this isn't a blanket statement on everyone but just from what i've seen. it's such a strange pattern i've observed.#lesbians? healthy. straights? usually healthy. gay men? universally a tire fire that makes me say “if you hate each other so much ??”#“why are you together??????????”#i have never met a cis gay mlm couple in real life that was healthy. every single one of them made my eyes widen in horror.#i want them to be healthy. please treat each other better.#the number of bitchy bitchy fights i've seen between mlm couples in public that make me so terrified#but i know mlm relationships in general are usually less... affectionate than wlw relationships. even and especially friendships.#just an observation.#i hate to say that there is a definite difference between amab vs afab experiences when it comes to relationship dynamics but.#of course there is. there is. as much as i want to say gender and sex do not matter. it really does.#it makes a difference. it does.#which is kind of why i'm glad i was born in the body i was. when people say “trans means you feel you were born in the wrong body”#im like.. i don't think that's true. i don't think that's true for me.#i wouldn't be me if i wasn't born the way i was. and i want to be me. but i'm a boy. i'm a boy but in the body that i have.#my body is still a boy's body. because i live in here.#sorry this went off on a tangent.#but yeah i know my brain would be different if i was amab. and i don't want all those other issues.#i think the only reason i'm so peaceful and serene is because i'm afab. and afabulous.#i see cis guys and im like.. yeah i don't want what you got.#once again! lucky to be me! i'm lucky. im lucky i have a vargooba. thank fuck for that!#couldve been so much worse off. could've been born with a dick and would be fighting for my life right now.
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This user is currently tired as hell of people generalizing sleep issues and if I see one more thing saying to ‘just drink less caffeine and stay off devices more!!’ then I am going to become a fucking problem
#like seriously though#Do people just like. forget that people with insomnia exist?? Or people whose nightmares may keep them up at night??#Or people whose bodies just decide to hate on them and give them a sleep disorder?? Yk something OUT OF THEIR CONTROL????#Sorry this has just been on my mind a lot today and it’s pissing me off as someone who has had sleep issues literally all his life that#I’ve almost never been able to control unless I force myself on a sleep schedule which just wrecks my mental (and physical kinda) health#txt#we've been trying to reach queue about your car's extended warranty#sleep issues#sleep#sleep problems#sleep disorder#Insomnia
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ough i was awake until almost 9 this morning with stupid fucking jaw pain so i got like 5 hours of shitty inconsistent sleep and i want to just curl up on the floor n disappear (or cry. both would be fine tbh)
#the pain is a lot better now thank god. still there but less.#i hate this new trend though!!!! like i always knew i have a tendency to tense up in my sleep but only this last week#has my jaw been so affected#like it was incapacitating last night i felt as helpless and miserable as when i have a migraine and akjshfkds#NOT A FAN. shit's rough enough as it is why did my body need to add this on top of it all#fucking end me dude i hate it here i positively DESPISE it here#anyway. i needed to gripe abt it sorry akjshfds#if it improves further i'll take a crack at some writing but idfk man#idfk!!! and i'm mad about it bc i wanna do something!!!#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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Going through the Utahim.e tag had me checking several times if at some point I had clicked on the G.ojo/Utahim.e one instead
#It's mainly the ship and mainly ship art. Very pretty btw. There's people with gorgeous styles there#There isn't even a lot of x reader fics haha I guess people don't want to bang Utahime?#Anyway... lowkey wished this happened with Ijichi lol#I so wanted Ijichi to mention or even hint at a mention of Gojo one last time like they did with Nanami#If nothing else for the weight of it all. The weight of feeling your youth dying piece by piece alongside the people who made it out#And everything it implies#Art of Shoko dealing with Gojo's death even in a cold way always strikes hard for that motive but I always love it#with pretty much everyone of those years. There was one piece I saw once that was not explicitly or necessarily romantic about Utahime#being hit by Gojo's death and I don't recall exactly how it was (I think I may have queued it?)#but it moved me more than any piece more clearly emotional that I had seen before#I don't know. I thought it held the potential of that. That weird uncomfortable heartbreaking feeling#of hearing bad news about old friends or classmates and how it makes you realise the weight of time#They suffered and accident. They tried to kill themselves. They are very sick. Their sibling or parent died. And you knew these people#You saw them daily for years. Maybe you weren't close but you knew these people. They cut my bangs when I was eight and I punched them#I tripped over them playing hide and seek and we both lost at the same time. We both hated each other's favourite teacher#They borrowed my pen once and then never gave it back. I once drenched them at the fountain after PE and it was winter but they laughed#Their mother got mad though. Now she's dead. We were made to sit together in French class in middle school. They loved to keep their hair l#Now they're sick and have lost their hair#Their little sibling was so annoying always trying to make us play with them during recess too. It was kinda cute. Now they're dead#I don't know. That kind of stuff#Utahime boosts Gojo and then he dies. Shoko opens him up to make a tool of his body#Ijichi accompanies another kid to clean after him in the meanwhile. And then the realisation hits. He is dead#He was annoying. He was my friend. He was so rude#He had such a sweet tooth. He laughed so loudly. He used to lean over people when talking with them#We were kids once. We are here now. He isn't here anymore. Some of us haven't been here anymore for a long while. It's been so long#He was still young. I am still young. We felt so old. At times it feels as if the time back then didn't happen at all.#And now he's dead and oh it's true he was so annoying but he also had such a sweet tooth. I forgot. What do I do with this memory now?#At times it felt as if the time back then didn't happen at all but then at times it shone through. He brought it back#He asked me a favour knowing I wouldn't betray his secret. He still teased the same way. He still leaned on people. But now he's dead#I don't know if I'm explaining myself well xD I think it's a pretty common emotion when it happens.Oh I forgot to censore words again sorry
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ayyyyyyy I set up an appointment for medication this Friday (telemedicine but whatever) and I get to see my former therapist again later this month. I’m kind of excited. More than kind of. Little sad, but I’m lonely and want to talk to someone. He’s a real cool dude. I’m a little worried to trauma dump the last 6 months on him, but whatever, it beats sitting there for an hour feeling like I’m wasting his time and struggling to think of things to say. dang dang dang, I’m excited.
#I’m excited to tell him about my mom’s transplant. less so to mention all my dark moments since we last spoke.#ok so I gotta wait a week for antidepressants and then a couple of weeks for them to take effect#that’s a lot of waiting#especially with how rough I’ve been these last couple of weeks#I probably have more appointments I should schedule but we’ll see#I’ve only been able to sleep sitting up#like the dang elephantman#something about laying down freaks me out#it’s uncomfortable and not very restful and just thinking about sleep gives me anxiety#brains are fucky#oof… now it’s setting in. I’ve got an appointment but it’s 5 days away#5 days of… this. anxiety and distraction and my sick brain#this is my fault#well… no. yes. I don’t want to COMPLETELY beat myself up for it#I should have been managing my mental health better instead of waiting until I spiraled out#I should have been managing my health better in general!#this isn’t sexy to say but I hate my body. I’ve run it down. and it’s going to be so much harder getting back to something semi healthy#but I’m trying now 😕 so maybe that’ll count for something#I’ve been realizing that I really really miss going to the gym late at night#that’s what I need now. been doing these little drives at night to distract myself but having an actual place to go would be much better#BUT! too expensive. need to work and make some money. not excited for that but I needs it. I neeeeeeds money. for burgers. and distractions#this is too rambly. I’m sorry. I thought about counseling and got too excited to talk and talk#I talk too much#you can ignore this#text
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im going to be so fr.... i hate it when im shopping for something, perusing online or in person for stuff in my size and approximate measurements... and a skinny woman says to me “you should try poshmark instead” 🥺. u should look on there for stuff because it’s second hand 🥺 u should go to good will and thrift stores bc it’s more ethical 🥺 like i really wish u would be quiet bc u know damn well poshmark doesn’t do returns and that goodwill rarely carries good shit in my size. like ma’am, i’m fat and that transforms the ENTIRE way i shop for clothes compared to you. clothes are made for bodies like yours.... i’m expected to make do.
#i hope im making sense i just..#sorry it is simply my BIGGEST pet peeve#like... it's already hard to shop in regular stores for things my size bc of my measurements#and to have a skinny person come up to me and say 'use poshmark to buy pants ' like they have just...#opened the doors of fashion for me... like no you have not.#i will still have the same exact problems as i do with every other store... except on poshmark i can't return the clothes#idk i just.... sometimes i think that a lot of thin people think that shopping for clothes as a fat person is the same as shopping-#when you're thin#when that is.... simply not the case#literally.... everything is different#and the fundamental difference is that clothes are made for skinny shapes whereas fat bodies have to compromise#idk i just... i have a lot of thoughts about this#but i genuinely hate being told that bc miss do you think i haven't already looked??#like i use poshmark for t-shirts and like... big jackets#everything else i need to be able to return#and i also think that they don't consider... what it's like to try and consume ethically under capitalism..#when you don't fit the general group that clothes or those sustainable options were made for#like any fat person can tell you how FRUSTRATING it is to try and thift for pants or shop for clothes#because all of those sustainable brands RARELY carry things in inclusive sizes#so to already STRUGGLE with that while shopping... and then to be told 'use poshmark instead... go to good will'#when those options... do not function the same for fat bodies... will never not be irritating#vent#tw: body image#tw: fatphobia
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da pikachu AU
#sketch#kess#benjie#devon#delila#but as pokemon au#weirdly comforting to me. having fun with them as various pokemon species#devon is an absol because he's truly a disaster. delila follows suit#ben being the sexy ass umbreon off course. typical edgy dream boy.#kess is a flygon because of the bigass goofy red glasses and overall clumsy body/build while still being cuddly as hell#i was debating because i've had a real love-hate relationship with the pkmn series lately so like#i was just lookin thru various species for a new sona cuz i was bored of my old ones. and then i saw flygon and was like#“oh my god she's me for real”#benjie does the annoying smogon umbreon taunt build btw. you can't beat him sorry good luck getting past that toxic/wish.#i'm just thinking about pokemon a lot lately. reminiscing all the happy childhood memories yk?#and how crazy hardcore i went with my comp setups in ~2018. lucario from ultra sun i miss you you carried my entire team#this got posted twice because of my ass wifi. i posted it like an hour ago#sorry i'm in a crazy “ramble at the wall hardcore mode” mood
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I never really got sick as a child, or at least never really missed school because I was sick. I would roll my eyes whenever my sister stayed home for what felt like the littlest things to me. Like you have a headache and it hurts a lot? Wow, we all do, get over it. But I'm realizing now that I did get sick. Not a lot, but the normal amount y'know? But I thought that it wasn't that bad, so I didn't tell anyone, and just continued on. If no one else noticed how much pain I was in, then I must not really be in that much pain. And this has kind of stuck with me throughout life? Like take the incident that happened a little over a month ago now. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was sick to some extent for nearly a continous month, which explains why I had no energy at all during that time. I simply brushed it off as not enough sleep, despite my habits having not changed in months and it only just now affecting me. It all came to an head during this two week stretch. I would be out sick one day, and immediately force myself back the next, despite not actually being better. This continued for a while, until I actually fainted for a second and was forced to take the rest of the week off. I was most definitely sick than, and likely had been for a while, but I just didn't notice and didn't tell anyone because I thought that was normal. To always be in pain. I'm sure having chronic pain hasn't helped with this at all, but I'm also always sore when I shouldn't be. Everything hurts and it's just so fucking hard and I can't bring myself to tell anyone because little baby me ingrained it in myself that it really isn't that bad if no one else mentions it, so it all must be in your head. It hurts so fucking much.
#vent post#sorry. im... im noy doing great right now. this post kind of spiraled as well.#i hate that my body is like this. that i have to be in so much pain all the time. that no one believes im in so much pain.#because i dont act like im in pain. at all. ever#because im used to it. this has been my entire life but its gotten so much worse lately and i keep getting fucking more emotionally mature#and realizing “ph hey thag isnt normal” and it suck so much. its just to much sometimes.#sorry i just#its easier to talk about it here#because this is where i first learned about what chronic pain really is. and thay othed peopls hurt like me too#and... the whole hiding behind a screen thing.#its a lot easier to dissappear online than it is to in real life.#sorry.#this post is sponsored by your local kiwi
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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hey you were wondering so i wanted to let you know that nobody has talked about you in either of the servers. and i know it's really tough when the blocks come from people you really like or were previously friendly with, but i think a lot of people block not because they hate you or even anything close to that. but just because they're not wanting to see the things you post about. i hope this makes you feel a little bit better, but i do really understand why it feels bad man, hang in there!
thank you i was genuinely wondering if someone had said something because it seems all of these users blocked me around the same time
but the thing is my content hasnt changed at all recently. i post the same stuff i always do. some of these users didn't follow me and never interacted with my posts in the first place, so it sucks that i cant look at their blogs anymore because i was a genuine fan of their content. some of them are people who were mutuals with me and have even interacted with me countless times, saying they love my blog and enjoy talking to me. im just not sure what happened but from my perspective, it feels like a switch has been flipped. one day i was a normal member of the fandom, the next im the social pariah. i just cant help but wonder what i did to earn so much backlash
#like is this seriously all because a month ago i said s11 ian should be drawn with body fat?#that's literally the last hot take ive posted. and i personally find it to be ice cold#i genuinely dont understand like is this a zoomer thing am i obsessed with how strangers on the internet see me#i hate to sit here and wine and cry to my dozens of still active and very sweet followers over being blocked by some strangers#but i genuinely have nobody irl that knows me for who i am and cares about me so yeah i rely on this website for validation a lot#i can only be myself here and every time in ny entire fucking life ive tried to be myself i get rejected#its not about the fandom or the people even its about my inability to be rejected by those i feel are in an elite class to myself#rjs will really have you rolling on the floor sobbing throwing up over getting blocked on The Blocking Website#asks#anonymous#sorry for those who followed me for shameless stuff the past year but heres your reminder that my blog is mostly just mental breakdowns#all i do is open this app to bitch and complain tbh
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just writing about binders makes me feel dysphoric and terrible wtf
#i hate writing about them#i just got a request on my fan fic account for a very skinny transmasc reader and it makes me want to cry#because they want headcanons on dysphoria which means they probably want binder shit included#i just hate writing about dysphoria in general cause sometimes it feels like that all there is for trans rep in fan fic#and i want some nice shit instead of reading stuff like 'i hate my body so much i never want to be trans sorry i wore my binder for 12 hours#on purpose' over and over again#I'm kinda tired of it#like I'm tired of people treating my disability as something to give me pity for#I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ITTTT#and it get that a lot of people have really bad gender dysphoria but i just i don't want to write about it#it makes me feel more dysphoric#especially cause they requested a trans male- and don't get me started on trans male- with an 'hourglass body and small lips and hands and a#big butt that sticks out and gives them dysphoria'#idk why I'm fucking complaining but I'm just really annoyed with it#tw vent
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Been finishing up act 2 of bg3. It's a good thing I find the battle systems so fun bc Hoo Boy there sure do be battles
#speculation nation#im going the epic hero direction this run. mostly bc i care about saving innocents' lives as much as possible#which means Killing Necromancers...... ugh.#cloudkill my beloathed. me n my homies hate cloudkill (used against us at least)#i got my vampire kicked into a fucking CHASM i had to reload a save 😭😭😭#he's been phenomenally unuseful in these fights bc theres so many people and so few places to hide#usually hes one of my biggest damage dealers. and sometimes he can get a good shot in#but a lot of turns hes just firing one dinky lil arrow and then hiding in the corner#...... i keep forgetting about the fancy arrows. i have so many of those. i should try to remember them when i get to the Big battle.#which. hmmm. we r gonna hope it's not Too difficult a battle. ive been able to get thru every battle so far in this game#turns out im Pretty Damn Good at this game. to the point where i'll brute force it and still end up fine.#the literal only battle i had to leave and go back for was the big spider queen thing in the bottom of the well. she was scary.#im level 9 now tho and full of so much guts n grit. and loot. holy fucking shit the loot.#im looting every body (including fallen allies. sorry guys ur gold's goin to a good cause.)#i have karlach with a like 460 carrying capacity but she STILL keeps getting encumbered. from all the armor.#im making fucking Thousands off this tower capture im gonna have so much fucking money#once i leave here and can actually. sell them all 😂#anyways i have been having fun! had to stop for the night bc it's late. but i will be killing thorny ass tomorrow. mark my words.
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OH MY GODDD idk if i needed to make this clear but apparently i do but DONT FUCKING FOLLOW ME IF YOURE A THINSPO BLOG OH MY GODDDDD !!!!! if ur just doing it bc i posted haha funny bingus post and ur following me from tht or w/e other unrelated reason then to make it clear i am infact a fucking fat person who doesnt support tht bullshit and tbh i dont need to deal with it in a society already constantly telling me to hate my body and if youre one of those ppl tht delibreatly follow fat ppl bc we like motivate u to loose weight bc you think wehre that gross or w/e youre a giant peice of shit and fuck all the way off !!!
#and before you get on my case there is a difference between having an ed and posting content encouraging an ed in yourself and others#and following fat ppl and getting them involved in your attitude based on the idea that nothing is worse than being like them#which is what ik this person was doing btw bc they also had followed a fat acceptance blog i know#all while actually posting thinspo conten along with following thinspo blogs#YOU PEOPLE ARE GROSS AND NEED TO FUCK OFF !!!!!!!!!!!#ik the ppl this post is aimed at wont actually listen to it. whatever ill just block you assholes but jesus omgg#flappy rambles#CAN YOU ALL JUST BE DECENT PEOPLE FOR ONCEEE !!!!!!!!#ugh sorry just . very fucking pissed off !!#and i hate it bc im working thru a lot of this shit trying not to hate myself for my weight#so okay first of all i know you can work thru tht shit without bringing other ppl into it nd saying their bodies are gross#and two i dont need to see that gross shit youre posting when i notice you followed me and i go to block you asshole !! i really dont !!
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Two hours. I got two hours of sleep. I’m so frustrated with myself.
Went to the ER. Everyone was very nice. They gave me an IV bag of fluids (I was dehydrated! Sad cactus!) and a little ativan (teeny dose), which was nice at the time! Just a little amount, but the (mostly) quiet room, fluids, and meds managed to relax me a lot. Could have fallen asleep if the bed was actually comfortable. Then they packed me up, gave me another little Ativan to take home for tonight, and said they’d contact my primary. Cool cool. Got some much needed food on the way home, then took the pill and got comfy. Again, smallest dosage they make, so no feeling too good. Managed to muscle past my anxiety to fall asleep, and… 2 hours. Woke up. Tried to go back to sleep. Too frustrated and anxious and I feel like crap. What should I do? Just eat a whole gummy and hope that knocks me out? For me, that feels like playing roulette. Could work, yeah. Could make me sleepy and pliable. Could also backfire and make me feel sick and extra anxious for another 5 or 6 hours. What do I do? Roll back up to the ER? “Hewwo, I woke up and I need more benzos 👉👈🥺” haha funny, but I’ve seriously been thinking about it 😑
God, I’m miserable. Been sitting outside on the porch for a bit. Not quite an hour. Needed to get out of the apartment, but tbh, nearly 4am outside isn’t doing much for me. I just feel alone. It wouldn’t help with sleeping, per se, but just someone, I dunno, hugging or holding me for a few minutes would honestly save me a little. What a mess. Oh yeah, and apparently my kidneys are going 👎👎👎 down. Bad meat. Not great test results. Not what I’m focusing on tonight. I’m a mess. Anyway, this was my update. Sorry for all the walls of text. Suppose this is mainly for me to look back on in the future, but can’t pretend it’s not at least a little validating to put this all out into the world and knowing that maybe one or two people read this and I didn’t suffer completely without recognition. Yeah…
#this is a lot of text#not really a casual read#ok ok… I can’t sit outside forever#gonna go back inside and I dunno make a hot chocolatey drink. grab some snacks#TRY to feel good even though I don’t#YES will probably get a little high#hoping that the combo of sugar. salt. and thc will give me the sleepy tools to just pass out for awhile#just a few more hours! please!#omg I was so pissed when I woke up and thought I’d slept for awhile but realized I hadn’t#’ what do you mean the last text I sent was only two hours ago? ‘#seriously. I thought I fell asleep around 11 pm but it was closer to 1am.#stupid sexy ativan. messing with my sense of time#it really wasn’t that big of a dose! I was basically a little buzzed for an hour or so each time#but the doctor was nice and straightforward with me. I just dunno tho. I’m a big guy with a history of anxiety. .5mg is weaksauce#god I’m getting anxious just sitting here thinking about trying to sleep again#it’s feeding on itself. I’m trying to rationalize this but it’s just this feedback loop.#is this my life now? I’m outside. I feel so alone. I feel like I could die any moment. in a sword of Damocles way. it’s there and waiting.#ok sitting outside isn’t helping#after 4am and yes I see cars driving by. I hear the occasional siren. but I still feel alone in the world#please tell me life goes on? please tell me we’re not really at the end here.#I always feel like I’m staring at our final days. that we’re all barely here. fucking ghost planet. waiting to die.#there’s war and hate and everything is expensive and I can’t.. I’m not a part of this world. I’m too poor and sickly and so it all seems…#like we’re on our last leg. like the final days of a fire sale. this body feels fit for the grave. this world is the grave.#I’m scared#ok like I said sitting out here isn’t helping. Ian. please stop.#yes. yes. ok. snacks and drinks and distracting tv. let’s try this again.#sorry this is a lot#I spent the last 20 minutes writing these tags and getting progressively more anxious 😬#you can ignore this#text
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