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hadoriel · 2 years ago

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Love suddenly bursting into tears because I want my life to mean something but life is inherently meaningless

#personal #SORRY just bad bout of sudden depression #I mean I have chronic depression but sometimes it just kinda pops in to remind me how much I hate life #really I think that sums up my very root for depression though tbh #I want my life to have meaning to it but am sidelined by the fact there's nothing I want to live for and that anything I do is meaningless #so I'm more or less just sitting around being mostly bedridden wishing I could die but sticking around just because people say I should #so I'm whittling away the time until this can finally end and at the same time enduring the horrible pain that is existing in general #what sucks too is nobody has any solution to it whenever I ask for help #it's just the same misguided attempts that I know don't work or just depressing the crap out of the person trying to help me #I wish I could approach it all with 'cool' nihilism like 'okay then just I'll do what I want' but I think what I want is meaning #but I know meaning doesn't exist so I just sit there like... cool then I guess I'll just waste my time here in purgatory #sorry again if this hurt anyone reading

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zorosdimples · 3 months ago

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knowing i should take a step back from tumblr for my own wellbeing vs. being emotionally attached to this app and the people on it

#tumblr would be tumblr without me—as would the self ship community. it’s silly for me to feel so invested this Thing that is just that:#a Thing. it can’t give me the love or care or satisfaction with life that i’m looking for. i’ve been hiding on here—escaping reality.#because it’s fun to live in an imaginary world where i’m everything i want to be. where i’m the main character.#but in doing so i’ve been neglecting the ugly parts of my real life; the pain and hurt and harsh realities.#over the past couple months it has become apparent to me that i tend to put too much trust and effort into people #who have neither the capacity nor the desire to reciprocate.#so i just look like a fool in the end. (this isn’t about anyone here—just a pattern of behavior in general.)#at the end of the day #having thousands of followers on tumblr has no impact on my real life. if anything it makes me feel more isolated than ever.#because it’s yet another arena where i feel like i have to carve out my own space; i’ve never been good at taking up space.#anyway i suppose i’ll take the weekend away and see how i feel. i’ve had a lot of shit happening irl that has been so horribly difficult.#so maybe getting through all of that will help me feel more comfortable on my own blog again.#if you read this all i’m so sorry. i’ll prob regret posting my heartfelt thoughts in the future but at this very moment i don’t care.#self preservation be damned.#please support ficsforgaza; i’ll still be helping aleks over there because it’s one of the few places where i feel useful.#okay i’m done now. i’ll see you later. i wish you all so much love and nothing but the best.#tw personal

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answrs · 8 months ago

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okay I know the immediate thought (for me, at least) was Lewis/Vivi/Arthur. which is fantastic too... but please consider my counterargument: Arthur/Lewis/Vivi

#my wrist hurts too much to draw rn but someone poke me in like two weeks to doodle this #lewvithur #mystery skulls #look inside yourself and tell me Lewis would *not* wear that sheer dressing gown in a heartbeat #meanwhile Vivi rocking the stolen shorts and nothing else casually sitting around the breakfast table reading horror novels #to a still-dead-asleep Arthur face down on his hat. pom-pom fluttering up and down in the breeze when he snores #....I was gonna say something like 'and mystery is just always nude' but technically he has a collar he isn't dog-nakey #but now the idea of him carefully unhooking it every night to Sleep In The Buff™ and then delicately replacing it again in the morning #(while getting utterly scandalized if anyone walks in on him before he has it back on again)#is absolutely sending me right now #mystery skulls animated #sorry for the rambling y'all I'm in A Mood™ today it seems

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the-girl-with-too-many-ideas · 6 months ago

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Does anyone else get the feeling that at their core, all of mxtx's works are about cycles of abuses.

#idea dump #ramblings of a sleep deprived girl #heaven official's blessing #tian guan ci fu #scum villian self saving system #mao dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #mxtx #mo xiang tong xiu #cycle of abuse #I don't only mean the passing down of trauma #I also mean the abuses of an established corrupt system #that systematically hurts people that are less fortunate than those who actively benefit from it #to me this one is more prevalent in mdzs and why jin guangyao downfall is so upsetting to me #because he was coming close to breaking the cycle of abuse of both the system and of his family #but unfortunately it was his past actions in service of perpetuating it that doomed him #if he had realized a lot sooner that his father was not worth it #and started pursuing his own interests from the beginning instead of his father's approval he could have changed everything for the better #not to mention that unlike his father he actually treats his spouse with respect and doesn't intentionally hurt her #emphasis on the 'intentional' part (if you know you know)#just like Jin Guangyao became the new wei wuxian Nie Huaisang became the new Jin Guangyao #so i'm of the firm belief that since the system is still in place the cycle will repeat again #and Nie Huaisang will replace Wei Wuxian as someone else becomes his Jin Guangyao #sorry for this long ass essay in the tags lol #it's 3am so I'll probably do the other two another time #also let it be known that I'm only running on spoilers/fanfictions/wiki when it comes to svsss and mdzs #so if anyone bothers to read my essay tags be free to correct anything if I get something wrong #side note why wasn't mdzs about breaking cycles???#why didn't yanli become sect leader. Jiang cheng remain coreless. or Jin Zixuan marry into the Jiangs to show worth outside the norms #you can be a strong woman without being cruel. cultivation doesn't equal worth. and powerful women are beautiful and should be respected

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kimetsu-chan · 2 months ago

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I went on a walk with my dad

#I’m so so so so so sorry that I keep complaining I’m really sorry if it’s annoying or bothersome or anything ask me to take this down and I-#-will; I don’t wanna bother anyone :(#But I went on a walk with my dad and after a bit of talking we somehow got to the topic of conversation on how me and H butt heads a lot #And the way he said made me feel like I was the problem and that because I am older I NEED to be the bigger person every time #And I told him I didn’t want to have to be the bigger person because I didn’t like how immature she is and he just deflected it saying that #-I’m going to need to because I’m older and more mature #He also said that I’m the one who’s always defensive or picking out the fight when that isn’t true #I don’t want to fight with her; I HATE fighting with her #And geez it’s making me feel like I’m always the problem and I’m the reason why we argue so much #That I’M defensive and immature when I know I’m not #He says I need to be more gentle with her and not expect her to get pissy and defensive bit i only do that(if i do that at all) because she #-yells and snaps at me for no reason so often! I expect her to act that way because it’s how she always acts with me!#I’m not that immature right?#And he says I need to put in the effort to fix it even though she probably won’t do the same #Why do I have to fix it? Why am I responsible? It’s not fair!#I don’t want to be the cool headed mature and bigger person every single time #If she hurts me with her words I should be allowed to make that known without her yelling at me!#🌾#again I’m really sorry for complaining to whoever may be reading this #It’s silly I know #I’m just dramatic I’ll get embarrassed for posting this soon enough and delete it #I don’t know why I’m like this :(#I don’t like it #Geez what’s wrong with me

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heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon · 9 months ago

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I'm only watching this shitty bad faith shit take video to make sure I'm not in it and these are my notes thus far. (Open new tab to enlarge print, yes I'm aware I spelled "psychopath" wrong).

Also, I just want you all to know that I am currently working on putting together a goddamn fucking Tumblr Sexyman Bechal Test of all things in my drafts right now because it's just like ...

#Hazbin Hotel #hazbin hypocritical #Alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #the radio demon #alastor hazbin #hazbin alastor #radio demon #ace discourse #undescribed #ableism #For my commentary on the way people talk in general and the video ...#And again the person who made this doesn't even seem to like Viv and her crew like get a grip!!!#I was just trying to read up on that One Big Monster High Announcement and I'm being accosted!!! Just let Al have his Bitches and let #Bitches have fun having him!!! <3 It's not hurting anyone!!! <3 I'm not sorry!!! <3

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0809sysblings · 1 year ago

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Amane was SO right

i DO disavow you! you MUST be crushed! you WONT say anything more! i WILL crush your throat! i DONT need this anymore if you're going to break your vow! here and now, it IS my turn to tear you apart! there WONT be a second time! i WILL give back the judgement you gave to me! it IS your turn to say that hopeless "I'm sorry"! i DONT care if you're sorry! please, DO go ahead and die already!

#rambles #Amane #amane hours #amane is so so so so so right #anyone who thinks she deserves to be hurt for thinking like this... well read the lyrics again. because they are for you #AUUGUGghghg... amane...#i think we should give her a knife and let her loose in a room with every member in the cult that had authority #its just a Purge March kind of mood tonight #id say sorry but... heh..#You Know

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calamitydaze · 7 months ago

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long tag ramble below u have been warned

#ok i feel like i should say Something before i start being active again #but i dont want it to be a Statement which is why i’m putting it in the tags #(also bc i procrastinated doing this for weeks so i know this is a very stale topic by now #but i also haven’t been on tumblr literally at all so this is 100% my organic authentic opinion lmao)#so read if you gaf and ignore if you don’t #anyway: george def could’ve done more to ensure she was comfortable #and as someone who has also gotten in over my head with older men and regretted it #her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night #but with that said i see no reason to believe george Should have known how she really felt #or that he deliberately took advantage of either her youth/inexperience or her discomfort #and that’s the most important thing for me— he fucked up and misread a situation but that doesn’t make him an evil person #and i hope they can both move on and grow and heal #as for my future in the fandom: i honestly dunno how active i’ll be going forward #i was already becoming pretty disconnected so this might’ve just sped up the process? i’m tired of being put through the wringer #but i also don’t really have a fandom to replace this so i might just continue casually participating in the way i have been #either way rest assured i will never become a rabid anti. that shits embarrassing #i got HORRIBLE drolo rsd the other day when tommy’s mom needed clout and vagued him so like if nothing else. droloisms are forever #also as a last thing— this feels kinda silly and self centered to say but i will anyway #sorry for not opening up my blog as a forum for discussion again the way i did with the drituation #i know i helped a lot of people sort out their feelings and that was (and is) really really important to me #but it also tanked my mental health (mostly as a result of the fallout and not the act itself but still)#plus my life irl was pretty stressful at the time when everything was first going down #so i just didn’t feel up to putting myself through that again #but i’m sorry if anyone wanted to discuss w me but wasn’t able to #anyway. i think that’s all i have to say!#i don’t want to turn this into a capital D discussion but as always my askbox and dms are open #love you all tons! i hope you’re having a good day 🫂🫶#bella talks

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oceanwithouthermoon · 11 months ago

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boygenius true blue but its the saiki brothers...

#obviously in a brotherly way.. just listen youll get it #but it also works with torisai tbh..#with either of them (tori or kusuke) this is very cat tank incident focused #if i say it also works with kubosai but in a very different way will you guys fucking shoot me with the cat tank #its literally already in my kubosai playlist but idk #i guess it just works with anyone with saiki in any kind of relationship #because like.. ugh idk i just think hes the kind of guy to give nonstop second chances no matter how badly it hurts him #(cat tank incident is REALLY good evidence of that...)#especially since he can read peoples minds and knows that they genuinely are sorry #so he'll forgive them even if he knows theyll do it again #FUCKKKKKK CRYING SORRY #saiki k #tdlosk #the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo #saiki kusuke #meows post

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rouge-fauna · 2 months ago

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I'm a c!Tommy fan and didn't mind your aspd c!Tommy post. I don't think it was ableist. I don't exactly agree with it either though but you have a right to say it and not get talked about behind your back. I'm sorry that happened. I would probably send an ask about my interpretation in the distant future once all this has calmed down and the abundance of c!Tommy asks have stopped 😅 ❤️

I really appreciate you saying that. :) I’m glad I haven’t pissed everyone off lol, whether you agree or don’t, or like c!Tommy or don't. I mean I personally don't think it's really right to talk badly about people behind their back anyways, but it certainly does feel a little unreasonable to call me dumb, crazy and delusional without even trying to have a conversation with me. What's sad is that there are points to be made and would have been interesting to discuss like an alternative diagnosis or looking more at the diagnosing criteria. Like this is not a hill I would die on, it's not my favorite analysis or take, it's just an opinion and viewpoint I shared with reasons why, the context of which was actually countering the argument of people calling c!Dream a psychopath.

And while I'm at it, I would like to note a few things. In the essay I didn't even call c!Tommy evil or ASPD evil, and I have tried to be very clear that by no means do I believe c!Tommy deserved to be abused in Exile or any other time. And in regards to the alignment chart, I really disliked that analysis anyways. It just doesn't really work. It's a simplified tool for dnd to help people stay to character, but how do you decide what is good, lawful, and evil in a story where, as I have talked about so many times, there is no true system of laws or government, and no widely accepted bounds of morality... So just to be clear, I will reiterate - no one deserves abuse, I do not think c!Tommy is "evil" or the "Bad guy" and I do not think there is a dsmp character who is. And while it may seem like I have a vendetta or am targeting c!Tommy specifically, that's just where discussion has lead recently, mostly because of the finale, anons, and also because of noticing how often c!Tommy calls c!Dream a psychopath I thought it was interesting to look at how it might be the other way around...

Also... I guess... I don't know, aren't y'all bored of having the same old discussions and takes on c!Dream, c!Tommy, c!Wilbur, c!Punz, c!Tubbo... etc over and over? Is it not fun to look at things in a different way and say - what if this is true or - that is true and how does that change things? Is it not interesting to take the same story and lore and see if it can be seen still canonically in a different way? I mean, applying diagnosis is never going to fit perfectly, not just because I'm a 23 year old autistic engineer not a psychologist of any kind, but also mostly because we only have a set chaotic few years of them to look at with no past to base on. But beyond that, isn't it fun and interesting to see if it fits, if it provides an explanation for behavior we didn't have before? Is it so wrong of me to try and see if there are fun new ways of looking at lore instead of having detailed ships and aus?...

Anyways sorry, I may have gotten carried away there, it has been a long Monday. Regardless, it is a shame that it ruined the chance for actual exciting productive conversation and discussion to happen, because I can't say I am not curious on your interpretation. Guess we will just circle back around to it (it seems to be inevitable at his point lol) <3 <3 <3

#I look forward to reading what you have cooked up when I can stand to talk about tommy again <3 #hello there #(yea I may have made the mistake in reading what they said and now broke my vary own rule oops... in fairness I'm defending my honor not #writing an essay so it's different...... sorry)#crumbs #technically just to be clearly legally ASPD is not considered a disability so I’m pretty sure I can’t be ableist about it regardless….#like come on are we really to the point of calling people with actual multiple disabilities ableist because I showed how a character meets #the criteria of sociopathy?…#I feel like thats a bit far. Though I am genuinely sorry to have made anyone feel discriminated #against or hurt by what I said… your feelings are valid even if the accusation is unfitting <3 <3 #clarifications #oh I'm a she and her btw. Not a guy #just to be clear so the least you can do while shiting on me behind my back would be to use the proper #pronouns I have listed right at the top ;) thanks......#(and yea I wondered if those other posts might be about me ... but I wrongly assumed you'd come talk to me like a person...#ha guess I am not always right after all ;D...)#you know what's the oddest thing of all here is how c!tommy is just a character while I am a living breathing person behind a keyboard #who does feel things and can get hurt when people bad mouth me behind my back...

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stereax · 4 months ago

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saw you post 'listen before you go', thought you'd enjoy this:

oh...

#sterechats :)#going through It. and by It let's just say. the worst loss of my life lol #but I don't think anyone wants to hear how I ruined it again #and how badly I miss them #and if they'd give me one more chance I'd be the happiest person in the world #they put up with so much shit I should never have put them through #I can't blame them for leaving I just wish I could show them how much they mean to me #that behind all of my masks and my anger I cared about them more than anything #and I'm just so damn scared of being vulnerable because I've learned vulnerability is weakness #and even though that's wrong and I know it is it's less vulnerable to close myself off and respond with rage #than it is to actually confront my own emotions and realize that I'm not a robot #that I have feelings and they're usually really big and overwhelming for me #and I have to step back and process these things on my own because it's unfair to others #because I can't keep treating my friends like they're responsible for my emotions and at fault for them #because I need to actually communicate my needs instead of assuming people know them #because these same patterns are why I keep losing friends over and over again #and if I don't fix them I'm never going to be able to maintain a friendship #god. if they're ever going to read this I hope they know how much they mean to me #and how deeply and truly sorry I am for everything I've done #and how I never want to hurt them ever again #and I'm crying again. it feels like all I'm ever doing recently is crying #you know that saying 'you don't realize what you have until it's gone'? yeah.#for all the shit I talked I'd do anything to hear them tell me about their f1 drivers again #I miss them so much it's killing me it feels like #I just. I don't think they're coming back #no matter how much I tell myself they just need a few weeks or months #I think I really fucked it up this time and I don't want to admit it to myself #because I don't think I can mentally accept that they're gone forever most likely #I just want to hope that they'll give me that one last chance and I can prove myself #I just want to talk to them again and it hurts so much

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unproduciblesmackdown · 9 months ago

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truly something that, amidst facing / going through a dramatic Life Change ft. unavoidable emotional effects of that, there are instances where i can't conceal any & all degrees of being distressed / upset, & repeatedly getting "it's hard for me too" as a Direct Response to that: really something & a half how the asserted theoretical Sympathy of [i feel similarly!] is invoked so as to, oh you know, preclude sympathetic Treatment. such as that what would be More sympathetic in these instances would be to say Nothing, "if there's nothing but dismissal / making it first & foremost about someone else's feelings to say, don't say it at all" style

#reading also that original Lovelessness essay ''love is meant to make me human / love is also the mechanism by which my humanity #has been denied'' always preferring to have [sorry! couldn't fully bottle up this Emotiona externally manifesting at all!] Ignored rather #than ''nicely'' interacted with so as to Invalidate; Dismiss; someone's annoyed at you for having it; etc #for bonus context like we are not in the same boat with it.#not a case of ''the same situation; mine is worse though'' like no; fundamentally different situations here lmao. mine is worse #If You Feel So Bad. Or At All. then at least now do me the favor of Not Saying That; Repeatedly #their feelings put on me too in other ways. stewing resentment into lashing out; tossing out ''but i'm justified'' like ok! Your business!!#the ol like. If You're Going To Do Something Anyways then how you justify it to yourself is Your business / b/w you & your god as they say #& the last thing to do is be making it the problem of ppl Most Affected by what you're gonna do anyways & Also ask their Absolution.....#like if you need more moral support abt What You're Doing Anyways: turn to Anyone Else. even No One if you have to.#bit going tf through it when it's spilling over into Posting but such is life!! we all have that [the horrors. girl help] blogger on dash #again the tl;dr like oh you don't say. the [umm but have you considered? My Feelings! (they're so sympathetic at all. yor welcome)] is #the mechanism through which Really basic sympathy is being denied & replaced with [Saying Nothing would've been less hurtful]#misgendering me the other night too while Also all 'hey I'm trying to talk to the customer service. why are You going up & talking first'#(that was me experiencing the latter. i didn't say it but i was like cmon. my glasses are fogging up w/surgical mask (don't have access to #more effective masks so doing what Nonzero i can there) i'm a bit carsick i'm weathering a crisis. can i have anything here lol)#just Oh You Know. The Horrors....#balancing ofc trying to endure trying to self soothe etc etc. with ''it's the horrors. it's gonna be horrific & you're gonna be affected''#ah the [being kind to oneself] like also means knowing how reasonable it is to Not solo contain & endure & Cope Through everything....#crushing a paper cup in my hands genuinely i would like to generously thank my virtual allies out here today. mic feedback #irl In Real Life? life is Real asf here & nobody Realer than them

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call-me-pup2 · 5 months ago

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i feel like a bad theology student wishing someone would force me to worship them like god n denounce mine,,

Again I not religious so I'm sorry if that is something I shouldn't say 😅

But! I like to think God wouldn't actually want people being so strict? Like you'd still believe in him even if you did worship someone else at times and doesn't he want people to live happy fulfiled lives? So if that makes you happy why not?

#again as much as i sung hymes at school we didnt really dive deep into it all #but on a similar note Jesus seemed like such a chill (even sassy) guy! in my head hed be all for people getting a lil freaky #im so so sorry to my religious followers that are reading this 😶#i just really live by the 'if youre not actually hurting anyone do what makes you happy'

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mashmouths · 8 months ago

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my parents are selling their house and i'm dealing with it so rationally and maturely btw. the 73 pictures i just took are completely unrelated to my fears of change and forgetting the little bits of memory that made this home

#i've never moved house before but i've been grieving this house since high school idk how to explain it #to have felt so trapped here for so long and then having it as a place i have to come back to every 3 months to the thought of one day never #? being allowed inside it again? how does anyone do anything ever in life this feels impossible but also like the smallest most trivial #thing in the world. hello.#i missed my sibling's spring break visit home bc of finals and now i'll never hurt my back watching tv with them on their bed? ever? for #fucking serious????#craning my head to make stupid faces at them through the hallway before bed. never ever? :(?#wish this horrible pattern of me missing the last chance i'll get to see someone bc of school first it was my dog and now it's my sib here #and i just. sigh.#sorry to mope on main again i'm just melancholy and this blog is my diary youre all just reading it #a post

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flyingspicerack · 1 year ago

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*peeks out from the rock i was hiding under* ... hi

#spice.txt #sorry ... i didnt intend for this to happen #i just uh ... i spiraled again and i needed to go and stay away from everyone for a while #doing that aggie when i wasnt 100% mentally ready to do one was a bad idea #im glad everyone else had fun tho #my feelings got hurt by several people but its prob bc im too sensitive and stuff and im sorry if i made anyone worry with my abrupt leave #both like from the aggie AND from tumblr for this past week ... but im also sorry to assume that anyone DID worry #i dont want to seem entitled to think anyone actually did miss me bc i wouldn't blame you lol #anyway... sorry again... ill be slowly coming back i hope #things are still a little touch and go ... im just struggling with my own self image and self worth when it comes to my place here #as in ososan tumblr... i just feel underappreciated but at the same time i dont think im worth appreciating so im having a lot of inner #like .... turmoil #feeling stupid and stuff... im working on it #spice.vent #sorry if u chose to read this

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pepprs · 1 year ago

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misery despair suffering etc etc

#purrs #delete later #two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before #but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought #of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t #text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or #whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i #wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was #more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me #and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who #you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have #all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry #to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post #that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to #stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone #reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a #and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be #kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there #to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and #hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to #again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it #and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to #post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want #anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual #people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first

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