#sometimes i hate being responsible for myself
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No one is going to save me. No one can save me. No body will come to save me. Nobody is going to save me. Nobody cares ( not true ) Why can't it be simple? I often don't want to save myself.
#sometimes i hate being responsible for myself#but i am the only one who can save me#vent art#venting#tw#bpd#actually bpd
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truly i love all of you and i'm so grateful for all the support i get on my vanilla milkshake posts here because i've just seen the way people talk about vanilla milkshake and mysticao on twitter and its genuinely taken 50 years off my life. now i've been reminded as to why i should never join the crk fandom on twitter
#its not even just twitter but the comments i get on tiktok all the time make me want to blow myself up genuinely#on twitter i just saw a thread about mysticao going like Oh durr how can u ship it after reading ep 4#and then proceeds to post a reply saying “enemies to lovers is really good if its done well!! but theyre just torturing each other here” ??#so you dont like enemies to lovers then . what do you think enemies to lovers means ??? they just argue sometimes? lol#also wdym “if its done well” we haven't gotten the full lore of the beasts#and its implied that they only turned this way because they were wronged somehow#that + the amount of power and responsibility that having the full soul jam put on them it was literally a recipe for corruption#its not even as if dark cacao thinks mystic flour was just evil to be evil he literally CALLS HER OUT on being insecure#she wanted to create a world without individuality and without personal interests that could lead to harm of others#which i think is heavily tied to her backstory we havent seen yet#imo. this would in fact be enemies to lovers done well#i dont even ship them btw. but i feel obligated to defend it since i just hate ppl who take this stuff at face value#its such a shame that twitter people have the literacy skills of a 1st grader because i would love to post my crk art on there#and make some friends#but if ppl would be like Erm you cant ship shadowvanilla its hashtag toxic and a red flag!!#then like oookay lol whatever man#sorry for the yappathon#txt#not art#discourse
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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I think some of you guys hate Izzy more than you ever liked Ed and no amount of “he’s my special babygirllll 💞 she’s just a sparkle princess you can’t hold her accountable for anything 🥰✨” posts are gonna be able to hide that
#like yeah nice try using the brown dude as a shield for your hate campaign or whatever but it isn’t working lol#I’m sure they kinda like Ed. but they sure don’t like Ed as much as they like hating on Izzy#who Ed loves btw. let’s just circle back there sometime they love each other. eat dirt maybe#I adore Ed and I love how nuanced and messy his breakdown was#how his actions aren’t motivated by being Evil but at the same time his actions are his own#and they’re undeniably fucked up to the nth degree and he has to own them#because it’s kinda relatable tbh!! I’ve never been that horrid but I’m a person and I’ve fucked up before#and even if I was struggling deeply at the time because of other’s behaviours towards me it was me who did those things#and I had to own them. and grow from it#and my queerness and brownness and trauma didn’t make me exempt from growing and being responsible#which also meant I’m not exempt from personhood and growing and bettering myself and loving myself and all the good that comes with humanity#Ed did fucked up horrible things to the crew and Izzy. and if you can’t acknowledge them for what they are and how awful they are#then you can’t really acknowledge Ed as a character and person beyond the limited ideal you made of him in your head. what he did was wrong#and that’s not alright. but it’s okay. because we know he’s gonna have to grow. that’s the bit people who really care are looking forward to#I’m tagging this#the izcourse#because I kinda feel like it’s overlapping with really shitty Ed takes and meta
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#really really hate how thoughtless and oblivious i can be to my own bad behavior#ill know something is important or that a shouldn't do a particular thing#but over time and assumptions and small acts of carelessnes shit just....fades and accumulates and one day#i look up and ive done something very stupid and hurt someone else#and i didn't feel it happening#my mind will take things and hide them from me is what it feels like. ill know they're there but it fades into the background noise#i am hard on the things in my life including people and relationships. and i am always so vulnerable to my own fuckin lmfao inattentivenes#this is why i struggle so much with the idea of ever having an intimate partner or children. it doesn't matter how much i care.#eventually and inevitably i do damage.#and i know consciously that people make mistakes and all you can do is try to course correct and make it right. but it's better#not to hurt anyone in the first place and i really don't know if i will ever be capable of that.#trying to convince myself this kind of shit is growing pains but man. man. i can't stop being what i am and it really#really feels sometimes like i am just destined to break and neglect#but then that ''im broken'' thing feels like trying to dodge around taking responsibility and improving. and i should be better than that.#but god how tf are you supposed to stop dissociating from the reality of what you're doing when you're. dissociated.#all i can ever think to do is isolate#*sigh* guys i think i might need to graduate to therapy with a trauma specialist#or adjust my medication. god. im so tired.#why is it so gd hard to be a normal decent person. it doesn't seem hard but then
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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the repressed neurodivergent experience of thinking “no one will ever love me with all of my neurodivergency the way i love them with their neurotypical-ness.”
#me my whole life: got made fun of for exhibiting ND traits among other stuff#me in middle school: well if i simply pretend i am neurotypical people will stop disliking me for being ND#spoiler alert: i was not very good at faking neurotypical-ness#me now: very very good at faking being neurotypical to the point that i am perceived as having very few distinguishable traits#my family my entire life: you are weird (aka neurodivergent) stop being weird#my family my entire life: if i simply do the thing that my child hates maybe they will grow out of hating it#another spoiler alert: no the FUCK i did not#tldr my entire life i’ve essentially suppressed most of myself to make the people i love comfortable bc that’s what they wanted from me#and in response they routinely ignore some of my most important boundaries and still try to act like they’re helping me#my therapist keeps telling me that one day i’ll get a family even if it’s found family#because sometimes found family is the best kind of family#but no one i’ve met is willing to actually put up with who i am as a person and not abandon me#every non-familial person in my life anytime i’ve shared deeply personal things with them: nope no thank you goodbye#and the deeply personal things were always just like ‘i’m actually pretty insecure in friendships and i feel deeply lonely’#it wasn’t even traumadumping bc they always seemed fine with that!! bonding over shared trauma was like a group activity#and then anytime i was like ‘hey could i maybe get some validate that y’all don’t hate me?’ everyone would be like#no. why would you need that we never said we hated you stop being over dramatic#my dad pulled that last one all the time!! except he added the ‘how could you even think i hate you when i’ve been nothing but good to you!’#come to think of it my friends did a lot of that too actually#anyways i have a core belief that i’m actually just unloveable and people just tolerate me and it’s been confirmed repeatedly
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haha suicidal thoughts go brrrrrrr
#tw sui mention#don't worry I'm safe and medicated I'm just tired a bit#I'm just tired that my first response to anything painful is “oh cool. now I'm gonna kms”#I just feel like a failure sometimes#and everything around me keeps reminding me of that#I don't know how to heal this mindset#I'm aware that I am pretty much not a failure and that I'm just an average person living my silly little life#but I for some reason can't change the way I feel about myself#I just need therapy lmao#ofc there will always be people who hate me just because I exist#me being queer certainly doesn't help that (:#and I need to overcome this somehow#but it's. painful. I can't pretend that I'm not hurt
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maybe I should
#i kinda want to meet with him again before im too busy again....#one more time to feel connected rather than isolated#i tried... i did talk to people and try to connect but... it feels like no one ever hears me#i get responses but no questions back#i hate always having to do all the work in everything.. sometimes i wish someone else would for a change#i dont like having to make all of the effort...#i hate that once i start it becomes expected#and if i stop or ask for change im 'being mean' and it hurts#is it really so much to ask for someone to want too?#it makes me feel like people only put up with me... only placate me#maybe its true.. it has been in the past#i dont think they cared about me.. im not sure she did either anymore#i just... make myself useful and sometimes i wonder if that's the only reason im kept around#because of kind words and gifts and my willingness to play mom and therapist and fill whatever need#what if thats all im good for?#i love giving gifts. i love putting in effort. i love showing how deeply i care. i love talking to people. i do.#but i hate that its always my 'job' my 'responsiblility'#and if i ask for any reciprocity im in the wrong.. im too much work or im just straight up wrong and 'what do you mean i totally do? youre#just needy and crazy'#im so tired....#i wish it were also seen as what it is rather than it becoming expected..#its a gift not an obligation.. i want people to appreciate what i do rather than expect it..#at least hes not like that.. not really#hopefully i can meet with him this weekend
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femme version of van and i have gone from tinder messages to text and the other day when we were talking she mentioned when we eventually get to meet up so feeling good i think :)
#i’ve been waiting for her to respond to a text for a while#but i’m trying to remind myself that#just bc someone takes a while to respond does not mean they hate me and are not interested in me#people have other things to do#also i take ages to get back to texts sometimes even when i’m super into someone#so a long response time doesn’t necessarily mean anything#i really hope this works out#again i am cautiously optimistic#ugh dating is so hard#also when she mentioned us meeting up it was when i was telling her about iris#and being excited to meet my dog is such a green flag so#anyway i will keep y’all posted if this saga continues#oh and her talking about meeting up it was a when statement not an if statement#which like obviously still could change in the two months til we can meet but still!!!
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my mom when i was a kid: when you were an infant your bedroom caught fire lol but it was fine.
me: ok. im sure some freak accident that no one could have prevented in any way
my mom at 26: the smoke detector was beeping so i took the batteries out and stashed it in a closet without telling you, like a couple weeks ago. i figured you would probably fix it for me despite never telling you about it
me: ah. ok. connecting dots here. . .
#99.txt#😐😐#normal family i have suchhh a normal family ahahhahhaha#both my parents -_-.... basically didnt do anything#but they were there. physically. so whenever im unhappy as a kid its like#''wow you have both parents and a good income and house. i guess you are just sooo soo spoiled. you know there are orphans in the world''#<- so fucked up how ppl talk to struggling kids like that btw. if a kid is so unhappy in their home it isnt normal#also like ''wdym your dad is abusive he literally doesnt hit you'' 🥴🥴 okey. but ill hit u if you keep talking like that#my dad just didnt have time for any hitting 🥺#between all the screaming at the top of his lungs at newborn babies. and the cheating on his wife with teenagers. he was so busy#and maintaining a good career so he could go on business trips to cheat more lol#but yeah i had it real lucky as a kid cos i got to go on those business trips sometimes -_- fun#and my mom is just like.....#''wow i literally was nice to you as a kid and drove you places. if you complain you just hate me and are so mean and critical of me''#like.................. the older i get the more i realise just. no one was being resposible#ive tried to maturely explain this to my mom recently and its like a brick wall#''wdym. im so nice'' but have you ever been responsible? ''well i think just i have a nice style parenting :)''#but what about responsibility ?? for your kids ? ''but im so nice. what more do you want from me you ask for so much :('' TO BE RESPONSIBLE#also ''im so nice'' bullshit just ignoring all the times shes said things that make me wana kill myself#literally told me no one would want me after i was in hysterics cos she was already being mean to me#and then when i bring it up later ''oh i was just stressed out. im allowed to feel my emotions. plus i dont remember and u made it up''#ok........ then when im like. stressed out and not even being mean just using a slightly different tone its all#''wow you are so cruel just like your father and you hate me. you never consider my feelings and i think you should be kicked out probably'#lol get me out of here............................#dont even get me fucking started on my sister i dont have time to haven an episode right now -_-#guh sorry for this i dont have a therapist and it shows
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Since the OP made their post unrebloggable (and blocked me. Both actions they are well in with their right to do)
I'm going to make my response it's own post because I think the point is important
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As someone who is autistic and has BPD and CPTSD and loads of trauma yes you sometimes need to change how you interact with others to keep people around
When I was 13 I hit the few friends I had when I was angry
I had to change that in order to keep those friendships
When I was in my early 20s if I was losing an disagreement with my husband I would threaten to kill myself. My husband told me it hurt him and was cruel and manipulative behaviour, because it was.
So I worked hard to change that to keep my relationship
It's easy to say "I shouldn't have to change for others" and that's true to an extent. You shouldn't change your interests or passions or dim your light. And you should have space to be imperfect and flawed and not have to pretend your ugly bits aren't real. But if something you are doing it causing other people harm you kinda need to change that.
That's called "living in a society"
People adapt to each other and make space for each other in their lives. You adapt to them and they adapt to you
You start being more diligent about throwing away the empty toilet roll because it really bothers them. They start warning you before they run the blender because you hate loud noises
I stopped threatening to kill myself because I was mad I was losing an argument and my husband stopped being so vocally judgemental amount media he personally dislikes
There is a certain type of person who heard the phrase "your emotions are valid" and took that to mean "my emotional reactions and my behaviour are always objectively correct because my emotions are valid and if you have an emotional response or react to what I'm doing negatively then you are wrong and you can't be hurt because my emotions are valid"
And that's a recipe for disaster
Your emotions are valid to feel. They are how you feel and there are reasons you feel the way you do
However, your reactions and behaviour are something you can learn to control and can be irrational
We live in a society and we as people change each other as we interact and that isn't necessarily a bad thing
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Sometimes you have something that you could say, that you think about saying, that you more or less know how you'd phrase it... but it's just not fucking worth it cause you know for a fact that people don't fucking listen
I don't know, I try to stay... if not optimistic then at least with a mind set of "doesn't matter, we've got no choice but to try and make things better"
Truthfully though I think I'm extremely pessimistic when it comes to the chances of anyone actually listening to what I say
I'm not sure if I'm just bad with words but... it seems impossible to convey even simple thoughts to people so... truthfully I've more or less given up and have just stopped trying. Especially if I don't at least know people well
So there it is
#like I could have said this; and I could have said that; and... hmm... I just don't think I would have succeeded in conveying that like...#I'm actually on your side man; I'm in your corner on this#I think you might be tilting at windmills here#but it's not fucking worth it anymore cause history shows me I'd either get no response or one that missed every word I said#and... I just give up... with everything#I don't want to say no one listens because that goes too far; but even with people I like very few people feel like they listen#people I adore where it's like... I'm not sure how you don't get that I can't 'move out' of my house cause... it's my house; like I own it#it's a question of telling someone else they have to leave; but like... I ain't leaving my home... this is mine#and... I don't understand how... this is like the 3rd or 4th time I've had to explain this; and it doesn't add up to me#cause this is someone that's brilliant that I know cares about me#...so I'm mostly confused... and a bit sad and hurt... but mostly I just don't get what I'm doing wrong in communicating#but if that's how I feel about someone I'm close to; how do you think I feel about strangers?#I don't understand what it takes to get people to listen#and like... there's a chance they would have; there's a chance they would have been super receptive#it's just... it's no longer worth the effort to me#it's not worth the effort on a chance; and perhaps I do them a real disservice; and perhaps I do the next person one too#but... there's too many people I run into these days where I'm right and so... I don't know; kinda am closed off at this point#or something; fuck it; doesn't matter#also you people worry too much about me just saying what's on my mind#whatever the fuck I may say here... ain't I cleaning and shit; whatever... hmm...#you'd fucking hate Eeyore; you say you'd like him; but I'm telling you that people can't fucking accept someone being a bit morose#you'd bother him to cheer up; you say you'd accept him; but I'm saying you wouldn't#and I'm saying you wouldn't cause no one can just let me say shit that's on my mind without making a big deal out of it#like at what point do I earn the right to not have to fix myself on top of all the other shit I'm trying to fix?#at what point does taking practical actions to try and improve my situation make up for me saying gloomy shit sometimes?#whatever... doesn't matter#if there's one thing I've learned in life it's that people care very much; and they're fucking horrible at actually supporting people#most people want to very much and suck very badly at it; in part cause they can't just sit with someone; they're always trying to fix thing#mm tag so i can find things later
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youreaddictedtolonelinessand desperationitsthestrongestemotionyouveeverknownsoyoursubconscioustellsyouthatitsyourdestiny.com/careers
#sighh. class reunion done#the group i clung to as not to go insane from a lack of social interaction was there. i awkwardly stood next to them like i used to#i saw a window of opportunity to get away without it being (too) awkward so i took it. i hate myself so much its unreal#i want to think im normal and capable of social interaction but im? not?#& this isnt me being edgy its just the truth!!! there is something deeply wrong with me. & everyone can tell. & i dont know how to fix it#i need to get really good at Something. make myself useful so that people would want to be around me because of that at least#like bocchi! i have a bass guitar. i should learn to play it it would be fun. maybe someone cool will need a bass player at some point#SIGHH. well at least i have my tumblr blog.#it means a lot to me when u guys interact with me sometimes. and im sorry my responses are always really dry#its not that im uninterested in whatever youre saying my social skills are just very rusty.#im not saying this to like guilt people into interacting w me btw im just. emotional. thank you for being nice to me 🐺💕#anyway . my mother always tells me i will find people who i will like and who will like me back. and i still havent given up hope#that thisll happen !!! maybe in university. but probably not. but maybe it will !!!#ill learn to play bass and walk around w it alll the time . music people are usually nice? or like weird too at least#umm. okay i think ive lost the plot a little bit#sorry for the constant self pity on the dash i promise im not fishing for attention. i just dont really have anyone to talk to#i think i should be alone with my thoughts for a little bit now. logging off!#may post a bit about madoka if i feel like watching the last 3 episodes after i take a bath. but thats all ill allow myself after this#voidcore.txt
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i think i just dont know how to like. be friends with people. think im maybe gonna be lonely forever actually
#like. im trying so hard not to be ungrateful or bitter or overdramatic but#i get so jealous seeing other ppl post abt like. being in group chats w their friends#doing voice calls or watching movies or playing video games together#bc i havent had a real conversation w anybody whos not my mom in like 2-3 months. and thats just. the norm for me#LIKE i dont think my friends secretly hate me. i know i have muts who consider me Their Friend and like me well enough#but i think im just not an interesting person to talk to. like i think other ppl straight up forget i exist sometimes#and thats probably my fault bc i never post but like its hard not to be bitter and depressed abt it bc i dont know how to NOT be like this#i know im doing something wrong and its not really other peoples responsibility to like. make me feel better#in fact i hate making posts like this bc i feel like im just whining and guilt tripping ppl into Being Nice To Me#every personal post ive made for the past three years has just been me bitching abt how suicidal i am. of course no one wants to talk to me#but idk what else to do. like i AM constantly miserable. and i feel like i do not have friends. where else am i supposed to vent abt it#ugh. sorry idk why i keep doing this to myself#bectxt#op#txt
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If ur so socially isolated then why are you talking to me lol
#personal#idk its those people who disappear and want people to notice their absence and 2hen no one dpes they get pissed like yeah thats called life#also like maybe no one chevks pn you bc they know its just a weird manipulation game to make people perform their caring about you its gros#like ur basically punishing people for not noticing you enough and honestly u cant be mad when ppl dont miss u#actually gatekeeping myself from certain people is an extremely calculated and careful thing for me#also as slmeone whp was fprcibly socially isolated for a lot of my life it fucking annoys me when people 'choose' isolation just to be#dramatic and manipulative#like fuck you lol i dudnt get to be isolated as a means to some end#i was isolated bc people fucking bullied me#like ???? lol#ive never really understood thus but thats bc i knew that being me if i stopped talking to people they would t even pretend to care theyd j#st move on so lol its funny when normal people choose to isolate themselves and get pissy when other normies dont gaf like yeah babe thats#the world yoy normies live in why are you surprised haha#also if you choose to be isolated maybe its reasonable to assume sometimes people want to spend time alone and not everyone is responsible#for your mental wellbeing or to manage whether youre being alone to mediate abd take time for yourself or like out of depression#how is anyone supposed to know that?#quite often i just like to be alone with my son. its not that deep. but anyway i hate people that use isolation as a tool to manipulate#others bc i didnt choose this its just my life and i dont do it to bully people into treating me better actually i feel guilty about it and#wish i wasnt like this so i could do more for the people i love#alao the way people just aasume others will miss them bc their presence is SO wonderful and fulfilling 😂😂😂😂like girl get a grip
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