#also if you choose to be isolated maybe its reasonable to assume sometimes people want to spend time alone and not everyone is responsible

[cicadas]

If ur so socially isolated then why are you talking to me lol

[yumgrapejuice]

Okay so I did a whole analysis on Ranboo’s lore music so now it’s time to use that for an actual analysis/interpretation!

There are a few themes in the playlist and I’ll go over the ones that I found one by one. I’ll also mention the songs that correspond to each theme.

(quick disclaimer,,, I’m honestly just having fun here theorizing about whatever lol, I’m hyperfocusing aight, nothing what I talk about can turn out to be valid and I’d just go !!!! new theory time !:D, so it’s just that lmao)

/dsmp /rp

1. Blurring lines between dreams/nightmares and reality. The songs are “Introduction to the Snow”, “Dream Sweet in Sea Major”, “The Mind Electric”, “Stranded Lullaby”. I think this theme is the most straightforward and easy to interpret. c!Ranboo has been dealing with feelings of derealization for a long while and these songs allude to that. I don’t think I need to really get into this one that much given how obvious it is lol. Ranboo at times is having issues telling what’s real and what’s not. The fight with his mind is especially highlighted by the song “The Mind Electric” where he is, quite literally, losing hold on sanity. His “ill” mind is causing him to commit things he wouldn’t want to.

2. The need to belong, be liked, have someone close. The songs are “Ruler of Everything”, “The Bidding”, “Hidden In The Sand”. The theme of isolation also fits here, highlighted by Miracle Musical’s tracks. Ranboo is one of the only characters on the servers that is mostly generally liked. He hasn’t yet got many any enemies or anything of the like, really. It’s often joked that Ranboo has no spine, and that’s a big reason why he hasn’t yet gotten in someone’s bad books. It’s very easy to get him to do whatever you want, pull him to a side. If he protests, it’s only vocal and meek, and soon enough, he gives in. He doesn’t want anyone to dislike him and that can also play into why he has such a hard time to say “no” to anyone. 

But it’s all... very surface level. People don’t mind Ranboo, they might enjoy his company, but that’s about it. It’s unfulfilling, it can’t be satisfying. Based on his speeches about people, not sides, we can assume he does value connections a lot. However, instead of trying to form more strong bonds, Ranboo had started isolating himself, choosing to stay away (perhaps in fear of being pulled into a side). His own anxieties is what’s keeping him like this. The longing is still there, though. Now the situation is better with Tubbo, but that brings its own peculiarities. Ranboo’s ready to join a side, the Syndicate, to protect Tubbo, the one he’s most attached to, going against his morals. Sometimes, it’s impossible to choose people without choosing a side.

3. The divide between good and bad, a mindset of black and white. The songs for this would be “Turn the Lights Off”, “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked”, “&”. As we saw from one of Ranboo’s latest streams (the one where he found out Tommy’s alive) and his other ones, Ranboo has a very black and white mindset. He has incredibly strong morals but they are also very skewed. I talked more about that in this post but in short, in Ranboo’s pov, there are the bad guys and then there is the rest. Ranboo seems... almost incapable of looking from a perspective that’s not his own or isn’t closely linked. He’s right in his own mind and that’s all that matters. The idea is that everyone has their own reasons for their actions and, if you looked closer, you could begin to understand them, but Ranboo is looking only through his own lens, is paranoid about making mistakes, and thus can get very harsh sometimes. Since the world isn’t black and white, though, and it’s never just their side or our, he often contradicts himself and goes against his morals.

4. A twisted sense of ego-centrism. My favorite and the one that’s most up to interpretation, I’d say. The songs would be “Killer Queen”, “I Can’t Decide”, “A Mask of My Own Face”, “I’m Gonna Win”. I’d say this one is least related to c!Ranboo as we see on stream, which leaves us with something else... That’s right, enderwalk Ranboo :D! I’d like to preface again that this is purely my own interpretation!! I like to do those a lot lol. But anyway—

A certain idea unites these songs, and it’s the idea of doing whatever you want for your own pleasure. Having no breaks. What’s most entertaining today? Oh, let me indulge in that. They’re also all about things that are actively malicious/frowned upon. Whatever you want to do without any regards to morals. And that got me thinking.

Let me talk about the idea of id, ego and superego. For those unfamiliar with these concepts, id refers to a person’s most primal instincts, their aggressive urges and hidden memories, superego is one’s moral conscience, and ego is the reality, the mediator between id’s desires and superego. The idea is that id operates on pleasures and the need to satisfy them immediately. It’s illogical, irrational, unconscious. Superego is the opposite, sort of—it’s a person’s moral system that dictates what is wrong and what is right, how one should behave. Ego controls both. So, I got thinking, maybe e!Ranboo is just... c!Ranboo’s literal manifestation of his id?

It’d make sense, I think! It’s still Ranboo, just “wild”, as he himself said. Uncontrolled. He has no regards for his image and indulges in his whims. Maybe it’s also part self-preservation. c!Ranboo is divided, he has barely any control of his life, people can make him do whatever they want whenever. And that must be frustrating. Maybe not consciously, but definitely subconsciously. That sort of frustrating of not being able to do what you want and always needing to listen to others could very well manifest as something like a whole different state where he does what he wants, maybe even purely for the hell of it. And to compensate for his id going out of control, he—his ego—might favor his superego, the morality part, more to compensate. That could make him harsher, too. More categorical. Causing a further divide.

And that’s about it for now, I guess. Yeah, this playlist really did... make me think lol.

(yes i am once again creating another theory for why e!ranboo could act the way that he does that doesn’t include manipulation idk sue me, i’ll die on this hill)

[sebastianshaw]

Shaw & Skadi for the kid meme!

Name: Sigvid Skadisson Shaw. I know it should be Shawson BUT FUCK THE RULES. “Sig” is a pretty standard prefix for a lot of Norse names from the word “sigr” meaning “victory” and “vid” from the Old Germanic “widu” for forest. Gender: Masc and male-presenting but beyond that I’m not sure? Trans man? AMAB non-binary? Look, he uses he/him (maybe they too) and people THINK ‘man’ when they look at him, that’s all I know General Appearance: Tall and beefy, he couldn’t NOT be. Medium pale skin that gets even paler in winter but tans easily in summer. Black hair, or so dark brown it might as well be black, and very dark eyes. His hair, unlike both parents and most of his Asgardian brethren, is actually kept short, and while he has a beard, it’s not the big one. The reason for this is functional; short hair is better if you’re spending a lot of time in the wild. Stuff gets stuck in long hair, it can get tangled in branches at the worst times, it’s hot in the summer, and it can literally freeze in the winter if it gets wet. His attire is very much out of a Viking fantasy, but less on the “heavy armor” end of things and more on the “wearing lots of furs and skins” side. He doesn’t look like someone you want to fuck with, but he also doesn’t look like he’s going to war. He carefully avoids any kind of dangling amulets, charms, or other jewelry that could get caught on anything, but he’s got a sort of leather toolbelt containing various survival tools made from wood, bone, etc. Personality: Sigvid, as you might guess from his attire and the reasons for it, is an outdoorsman. Not as a hobby, not as a lifestyle, but an EXISTENCE. He thrives in the natural world as Sebastian does in the business world, finding ways to survive in even the most adverse of situation. Whatever Mother Nature is doing around him, he can not only make it through it, he can work it to his advantage. His closeness to the natural world, his close observation of it, means that he sees both the facts and errors in his father’s mentality. He sees that the strongest predators will pick off the weakest prey, that the winter will take those who do not prepare, that mother animals will neglect and even devour their young if they’re sick or runty. He also sees that prey are more aggressive than predators, how some creatures will adopt and nourish infants that are not their own or even their own species, how some will share their kill with no benefit to themselves, and how even the smallest and most humble animals can make it through things that the larger, so-called stronger ones did not. Sigvid is very pragmatic, like his father, very practical, very self-preservationist. He has to be. But he’s also very spiritual, not in a way that connects to some distant god, but the world around him, to earth and nature. Not some idealized hippie-dippie conception of nature as a loving mother that is always in balance, but an acceptance that it is a greater power that he cannot control, he can only hope to survive at best. It keeps him humble. It also gives him a much wider, more relative perspective on things that is not human-centric, or Asgardian-centric for that matter. My Shaw often says that he admires human accomplishments above all else, that no other animal has built cities, computers, cars, and so on. And he is correct in this. But Sigvid always points out, how many termite mounds has man built? How many times do humans migrate thousands of miles using an innate sense of the Earth’s magnetic fields? How many fish have we hunted by literally sensing the electricity in their bodies? Yes, humans are “the best” if we judge them by standards HUMANS MADE. Judge us by the base standard of any other species, and we flop. Same for judging any species by the standards of any other. Nothing is “more” or “less” evolved than anything else, more complex does not mean better, and nor does being bigger, stronger, meaner, or even smarter mean a species is “better” or “more evolved” either. Survival of the fittest is not about that, nor about individuals; it’s about how well a species fits its environment and niche. A slime mold is just as evolved as a person. Sigvid is very passionate about this, though he’s not the type to speak up most of the time; he’s stoic and saturnine, used to keeping his mouth closed and his thoughts to himself, because most of the time there’s no one to talk to. And that also means he’s learned to exist without the validation and approval of others---ironically, something that is much like his father, learned in a completely different environment.

A lot of this, obviously, comes from Skadi. He was at side her since infancy learning to hunt and track, learning the difference between wood sorrel and white clover, how to tell when a moose is about to charge, and what it means when the woods go quiet. This connects deeply to Skadi’s Jotunn side in particular, which in Norse lore are thought to have symbolized the inherently chaotic and uncontrollable nature of, well, nature! Though Sigvid would not, nature it’s chaotic, it’s actually very ordered, people just don’t bother to understand what’s inconvenient to them. But where he differs from Skadi is that he’s not a Disney princess. Animals don’t hang out with him. He doesn’t nurse injured creatures back to health. He doesn’t keep pets. He does not see them as friends. They are not less than him, but they are not allies, they are beings he co-exists with, avoids, or eats. At least, until a thylacine started hanging out with him. Yeah, a thylacine. The extinct Tasmanian tiger. Who knows where it came from or why he’s attached itself to him, but he’s very adamant she’s not a pet and he hasn’t named her, but she is THERE. Sometimes. She isn't at his side like a dog, it's more she's following him from a distance and she pokes her head out from the trees somewhere. She's not a pet. She's more a parasite. But unlike Shaw, Sigvid doesn't use that term in a bad way, and he's fine with her presence. He's just curious where the hell an extinct Australian animal came from? Obviously, Sigvid is not interacting with people a lot, but when he does, he’s far less awkward or boisterous than people expect. He doesn’t have the overt weirdness people expect from a hermit, nor the bombastic warrior cliché of an Asgardian, or the vicious stereotype of a Jotunn. He has a quiet but overwhelming elegance, not like an aristocrat but like a great stag emerging from the forest. He chooses his words carefully, and can say much with just a few. He walks the middle ground between judging by individuals and judging by species; he does a little of both. He has preconceptions and generalities that he believes in about each group, but also believes in room for exception. After all, he’s not what a lot of people expect, is he? Despite this, he’s frequently misread as disliking people, but he doesn’t. He is utterly neutral on them, he just prefers his own way of life. Likewise, he tends to be very neutral towards individuals, and this also is often misread as dislike. One thing he does dislike though, is when people try to endear themselves to him by talking about how they agree animals are better than people, or say stuff like you know only man kills for pleasure. . . .this actually just annoys him. Firstly, a lot of animals do kill for pleasure. Secondly, when people say animals/nature is better than people. . . .they’re forgetting that people---humans, Asgardians, Jotunn---are animals too. This is just another way people, of any sort, try to insist they’re something special and different, whether in a negative or positive way. It doesn’t impress him. What impresses him tends to be how well people work within their niche, whatever niche that is. Like Shaw, he doesn’t really judge in terms of conventional morality, but a person’s success----Sigvid’s definition of success is just much wider. Like, maybe you dive for a living---are you a good diver? A great cafeteria worker? The best toilet cleaner in the tri-state area? He admires that and he commends you. When he is angered, he stays quiet, and his response is swift and physical; he either leaves or strikes physically and then leaves. When he feels sufficiently bonded with someone. . . he is still quiet. He appreciates a person who doesn't need to be filling the silences between them to feel comfortable and kinship. And kinship for him is rare, but he's not lonely----just also not adverse to it, as many assume he is. People assume a lot about Sigvid, and most of it is wrong, but he's also very chill with it. Sigvid is a very chill guy.

Special Talents: Besides the obviously mentioned talents for hunting, tracking, foraging, survivalism, and nature knowledge? Many people think he’s some kind of seer because he’s good at predicting storms and such, but actually he’s just very good at reading the signs most people aren’t attuned to. He also presumably has the attributes of Asgardians and Jotuns (super strength, etc) but if he has a mutant power, it has yet to manifest. Also cannot assume a Frost Giant form. Who they like better: Skadi, though eventually he does respect his father for performing so well at what he does

Who they take after more: I think both equally in different ways Personal Head canon: -He really likes amethyst geodes. -He finds a lot of manufactured foods, like chips or snack cakes, to be WAAAAY too strongly salty or sweet for him to stomach, is allergic to Red Dye #40, and he finds the taste of domesticated animals to be weird. - Not much of a dairy person, but ghee is good -Dislikes when people stereotype hillbillies as stupid; as in like, people who are genuinely living in the hills and mountains of the American Southeast, they're an interesting people with their own unique culture like any other group that lives off the land in isolation---which he respects---and not interchangeable with typical rednecks. -He doesn't typically carry anything with him that's not a necessity, if he knows he's going to be seeing people soon, he will pick up knick-knacks he finds in abandoned places and distribute them like a weird Santa Claus. Who, he's met, by the way, and according to him, Father Christmas is something of a badass. - He will always buy your homemade soaps, and I have no idea what he's doing with them. Yes, maybe he's using them in the normal intended way but IM NOT SURE?? - Pops up in art museums. People never expect him to be here, in these cathedrals dedicated to human creation, but he is. I think he views art a bit differently than the average person, but he's there all the same. - He's an Aquarius but there is a LOT of Saturn in his chart - The first Midgard movie he saw was Forrest Gump. He was expecting it to be about something else because of the title, but he enjoyed it and LEARNED THIS DANCE Face Claim: n/a

[constablegoo]

@astralglam​​​​ filed a report .

mint: does your muse view themself as virtuous & moral? what do these words mean to them?

OHOHO. hey hi ily. this is, of course, one of odo’s deepest ongoing battles, and the moment he stops questioning it is the moment he becomes a founder.

the founders grant themselves god status.  GOD!  status. they just reach out and pluck it. Within their range of power, the founders become unquestionably Just and Virtuous and Moral, their Word becomes Law, it becomes “the way things are” and “fact” and they create their own reality stemming from thousands of years of intense xenophobia. they’re above it all. gods don’t make mistakes, right? sure, maybe changelings were hunted and feared ages ago but they still fear it, and that drive for Order and Control over the galaxy is now encoded into their genes and they place a companion structure into the genes of every other species they control, subjugating them to the founders’ own cozy position as Gods, or-- ‘gods’. the founder (i rly don’t like saying “female” founder so she’s THE Founder. she speaks for the link.) makes it quite clear on many occasions that the founders are not here to negotiate. they fully intend to control EVERYTHING at any cost. it is absolutely  chilling  when she cuts garak down with: “they’re dead. you’re dead. cardassia is dead.” and draws the line between the dominion and everyone else miles deep into the sand.

that same genetic coding is one of the first semi-concrete things odo comes to understand about himself and, horribly, he’s landed into conditions under the occupation that very easily could have taken advantage of a less meticulous or stubborn changeling. no, odo says initially (and incorrectly), i am not bajoran** and i am not cardassian and i stand apart from either side of this conflict and so i am bound to PURE Virtue and Morality because of it. he can’t be bribed or bought or won over, and he won’t allow for anything less than a kind of incorruptibility. this effectively wins him allies (and enemies) on both sides, however -- that’s just not how the universe works. the truth of it is that no matter how much he tells himself he is not a part of their regime, his working with the cardassians makes him a collaborator in that he has then recognized their authority and ultimately upheld their legitimacy, even if he never agreed with the cause, even if he was also on some level a casualty of it. at some point when he moves past ‘contract’ investigation and begins to work permanently, he falls into the trap of thinking Order is the same thing as Justice... huge yikes. in that moment he becomes a true and apathetic villain, but he’s subsequently haunted by the resulting execution of innocents. it shakes something up in him. years pass and he still wonders, what other mistakes has he made? what other less direct consequences of his ‘neutral’ arbitration exist? he (and everyone around him) has to live without really knowing, and it’s a constant reminder to him of the power he holds and it informs his understanding of what Real (and imperfect) Justice Means.

**sidenote but later in s7 he introduces himself as ‘from bajor’ and AAAAAA. its good. very good. yeah, you’re bajoran, odo. he gets it now.

Mirror odo is really the ultimate example of an odo having taken those instincts to extremes in an environment that rewarded him for them -- there is no guilt there, and even a sadistic kind of pleasure in it. i’d argue that gaia!odo is another, less extreme example of an odo who’s been alone too long and lost sight of things when he single-mindedly (and against kira’s wishes) chooses her (one person) over 8000. like holy shit? NOT ok? uhhuhhhhfff. anyway. very fortunately, neither of these are OUR odo, but act as great foils to reflect on the worst (bastard cop) qualities or potential qualities of our goo pushed to highly visible extremes, which star trek just loves to do all the time.

but regular/prime odo isnt exactly a rule-follower, either. throughout his life, he frequently takes things into his own hands, uses his abilities to his advantage, spies, wiretaps, eavesdrops, and yes, harasses [quark] sometimes -- he develops his own set of values and personal rules and follows them; even starfleet comes in wary of him and how he operates and hes on thin ice. but because of possibly his most redeeming quality, odo is able to adapt those self-ordained values toward something increasingly honest: for how rigid he can be in personality, he is HIGHLY influenced by the world around him,  listens hard  to what his friends and allies have to say and adapts that feedback; this allows him to evolve and grow and take important matters to heart. he becomes more flexible and better able to hold onto what’s really most important after locking into a decision, because above all else, he is passionately committed to doing the Right Thing. he PLEADS with himself in things past, “your job is to find the truth, not obtain convictions.” by his tendency to push back against what is laid down as ‘law’ (something he becomes more and more aware of and effective at doing) as not always being good or right, or necessarily even creating Order (the thing he’s driven genetically to want), he prepares himself to challenge the most deadly voice of authority -- that of his own people.

so... yes and no. odo’s role and persona as ‘your average security chief’ might dictate that he be virtuous and moral, but he so obviously can’t fit the same exact mold as others in his position -- he has these insane abilities and this mind-consuming nature and it requires he tread with extra care, but he also has a potential for more adaptive, more nuanced morality. he has to build up his own definitions to the words, constantly examine and tease and test them, or else he risks straying too far from what he really wants to achieve -- harmony, honest justice. he has to accept that he’s a part of the system he operates in (not, in fact, alone or isolated! something he actually wants), and know that he is not exempt from making the wrong choice, just like anybody else.

carnation: what is your muse’s relationship with their gender? how do they express or not express this relationship?

ODO AND GENDER!!! i love odo and gender. let’s take this one step at a time. he starts out as an amorphous glob -- he has no gender. there’s no basis for assignment, no culture of difference, and all the goos are goo. odo takes on the shape of the first living thing he sees / the thing he sees most frequently: dr mora. he adopts an image of masculinity from mora and he adopts the hair. that’s about it, and it’s pretty much arbitrary. (maybe the hair is simple enough for his skills, too?) the next people odo meets are also these very masculine, military, cardassian leaders, so again -- this is all he knows! this is neutrality. i imagine it takes him some time to work out what the differences in gender are, and sex, and orientation, romantic vs sexual stuff, all of that. it’s all got cultural baggage he knows nothing about and does not experience, and he’s also dealing with multiple, clashing cultures to boot. since he doesnt have any strong inherent leaning, he simply opts out. he/him becomes his default because thats where he started, thats what he’s been able to successfully present and how people know him, and, terrifyingly, under cardassian rule, it probably offered a bit of safety, too, which was obviously something he needed at the time.

way way way way way down the line in season seven, odo asks kira to (paraphrasing) look at me. what do you see? [i see you.] but this is NOT me, this is only a shape ive assumed in order to fit in. she says, yes, i know that. but this is who you have chosen to be. “a man. a good and honest man.” (i knowww shes not really talking abt gender here BUT) its hard as a trans person not to read the metaphor. he’s chosen to express SOMETHING. he’s chosen something other than what he was given (neutrality) and although he doesnt personally buy into what ‘masculinity’ “should be” (ie the ferengi, smh) / would certainly not argue he doesnt feel non-binary, this is how he has presented all his life, its how hes been treated, and it is what he has chosen to adhere to. there’s a choice in that, kira’s right, and now it reflects something about him.

parallel this, i’ll mention the “female” founder again bc of course there is no discernable reason for her to have a gender -- other than to appeal (im not talking sexually here although there’s,, obviously weird shit happening with the link... yike) to odo in the sense that until that point odo has lived with “gendered” individuals and, i think importantly, kira is with them when they first meet. i think its safe to say the founder saw her, figured she was a friend/ally to odo or at least familiar to him, and took her general representation to appeal as a friend/ally.

otherwise... why, honestly? the founder’s got NO love of humanoids lmao why would she bother.

anyway i’d like to see odo experiment a bit. because when hes safe, he can!! aside from his own doubts and insecurities about shapeshifting, at some point he really has no reason not to, at least a little bit. really, it should just be another thing to practice, much like becoming a convincing rock or a leaf, its just that there are other significances in the cultures around him. i’d just like to see him loosen up a little. have fun. grow ur hair out a bit, odo, why are u still looking like ur terrible dad.

[found--family]

‘Supernatural’ season 15, episode 15 screener secrets: We’re ‘Highway to Heaven’-ing this bitch

[everything is from this Hypable article] 

This week on Supernatural, Amara returns and are angels solving people crimes now? Hypable previewed Supernatural season 15, episode 15 “Gimme Shelter,” so read on to find out more.

After a sweet and fun return to ease us back into the world of Supernatural last week, things are heating up pretty dramatically – I knew there wouldn’t be much more time for messing around.

“Gimme Shelter” sees Supernatural dip its feet into what the Winchesters currently believe is their big plan – eliminating Chuck by also taking down Amara, resulting in what they believe will be a cosmic-being-free balanced world. But first, they have to find her. Sam and Dean get a pretty good lead on her location, which results in a very interesting conversation between Amara and the boys – especially with her most favoritest Dean, of course.

Meanwhile, Castiel is persuaded into taking Jack to investigate a nearby case in Missouri – which all three adults suspect is probably the work of a human criminal – for the sake of humoring Jack and keeping him both busy and supervised. On the way home, they have a very interesting conversation of their own.

Spoiler Warning: This article contains generalized spoilers for Supernatural season 15 episode 15, “Gimme Shelter.” If you do not wish to be spoiled at all, do not read this article in advance of the airdate.

The official synopsis for Supernatural season 15, episode 15 reads:

MATT COHEN DIRECTS — Castiel (Misha Collins) and Jack (Alexander Calvert) work a case involving members of a local church. Meanwhile, Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) go off in search of Amara (guest star Emily Swallow). Matt Cohen directed the episode written by Davy Perez (#1515). Original airdate 10/15/2020.

If you want to know what to expect from this week’s Supernatural, here’s 10 teasers plus 15 single word clues from our advance viewing of Supernatural season 15, episode 15 “Gimme Shelter.”

‘Supernatural’ season 15, [10] episode 15 screener secrets 

1️⃣ During the filming of this episode (27 January – 5 February) Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles both spent much of the week at home with their families in Austin, a detail which was made clear on their and their wives’ public social media accounts – possibly the result of scheduled time off as they’ve mentioned occasionally requesting? The result is that the episode is weighted much more towards Cas, Jack and the murder investigation they’re chasing than towards Sam and Dean, but on the flip side, the Sam and Dean arc is more crucial to the long game of the show, so what it lacks in minutes, it makes up for in impact. 

2️⃣ However, the episode still begins and ends in a grounded family group way, at home in the Bunker – one of those “we know we should be doing this together but there are Reasons we have to split up” situations. This detail, in my opinion, really speaks to the motivation of the creative team towards honoring the four leads as parts of a whole – in earlier days, this kind of episode would have been two entirely non-touching threads. This one is, if not a tapestry, at very least a braid – tied up together at both ends, and intertwined in the middle.

3️⃣ You might have seen pictures or ominous trailer footage of Castiel and Jack digging a hole at the crossroads. We all know what that means! However, don’t worry. They simply want to talk – and the demon they summon has some really interesting – and dare I say positive? – news about the state of Hell under Her Most Gracious Majesty Queen Rowena. Let’s just say the demon is actually pretty friendly… and extremely bored.

4️⃣ The two main guest stars on Cas and Jack’s side of the episode are both actors who have been briefly featured on the show before, in a couple of pretty famous episodes – one from season 2 and one from season 5. I don’t think there’s meant to be any meta or Easter Egg element to this, just the usual Vancouver casting industry cycle (see the ‘Weren’t You In Another Episode‘ reference page on the SuperWiki) but one of them is one of those cute “I appeared on Supernatural as a child and now I’m here as an adult” situations, and the other, well… the original character’s very name has become the stuff of Supernatural legend, and if I were in charge of this episode I would have put the actor in a particular piece of footwear and made sure we got a shot of it, just for kicks.

5️⃣ Castiel steps into a prayer circle when the church group members are meant to give a testimony – presumably of their journey so far and their relationship with faith. That’s what Cas chooses to share, at least – in a non-specific, humanized way – and fans of the character will be moved to hear the ways he verbalizes his own growth.

6️⃣ Speaking of growth, some of Dean’s is spelled out for him in the most miraculous way by Amara. After Sam and Dean meet up with her and have a conversation about Chuck that’s ultimately a bit of a non-starter, Dean returns to ask her another, more personal question. Her response gave me legitimate chills. It’s a very weighty mic drop and the combination of the level of impact and the level of clarity (it’s entirely airtight, no room for interpretation) feels like the culmination of all the self-actualization work the show has been doing on Dean in the last four years. (I wish I could tell you Sam got a big special moment like this in the episode, but he doesn’t. Amara’s return was always going to be Dean’s thing.) Amara’s speech to Dean… it doesn’t feel isolated, like the idea of it was invented just for this episode. It feels more like concrete evidence of what the show has been trying to prove for ages. And the funny thing is, Amara is the anti-Chuck, right, and all season, we’ve learned about the version of the story Chuck thinks is good, and we’ve been told to root against that. Chuck’s version of Supernatural isn’t how the writers really feel. But I think Amara’s might be. Dean has obviously struggled to see what she tells him, all in one piece, but here it is – this was the point, laid out on the table, from the entity behind the curtain – both onscreen and off. Amara knew what she was doing, and so did the writers. This was always, always the point.

7️⃣ Even before this massive scene, Amara’s return is just great. Emily Swallow does such an incredible job with this character – she really is the anti-Chuck even without the whole writer comparison. Swallow imbues this character with such an incredible peace and stillness in comparison to Chuck’s histrionics – this was true in the way she spoke and behaved even in season 11, but this Amara also feels kindness and patience and tolerance. She radiates power, even when she’s also slightly goofy. There’s no fight, there’s no antagonism, but the boys in her presence are like little fish in a vast ocean – they quickly realise they have no real control in this conversation. The way that we leave her indicates she’ll be back and has more to say or do, and what she shared during her reunion with Sam and Dean makes me really curious about the role she’s due to play in the show’s endgame.

8️⃣ I’m not very religious but I really like the version of a church group or ‘faith-based community,’ as they say, featured in “Gimme Shelter.” Supernatural has a shaky history in terms of how the show portrays people in-universe who believe. Sometimes they’re treated like a joke, or stupid, or dangerous, or hypocrites, but occasionally civilian acts of faith are shown as great and powerful things, even in a world where we know that what they believe in isn’t strictly accurate. That concept became an even bigger question mark for me when we got the reveal that Judeo-Christian God is not only absent, but our actual villain. However, this was a really nice look at why faith can still be a framework for a good way of life – loving thy neighbor – for some people, no matter the truth about Chuck. The episode also features a callback to writer Davy Perez’ very first Supernatural episode “American Nightmare” in terms of the way that some people have weaponized faith and religion to the detriment and harm of others or even themselves, but this factor does not negate the positive point mentioned above.

9️⃣ Supernatural alum and newly minted director Matt Cohen really got the full old-school Supernatural episode experience when it comes to leaning into the spooky horror element. The murderous case-of-the week featured in this episode is heavy and lingering on the gore and even contains a little bit of a jump scare, so view responsibly.

🔟 So, um, you know that line, in this week’s teaser trailer? The line that a lot of people are freaking out about because it seems to pertain to something important that we know about Cas’ fate that Dean and Sam aren’t aware of? Yeah, it is 100% absolutely not about that at all. It is about something super important, but it’s not that. It’s also the last line of the episode, but trust me – it’s not a cliffhanger and it’s not a red herring and it’s not a twist. The information is gleaned within the episode and you’ll know exactly what Cas is telling Dean about after seeing it – narratively, that’s the reason it isn’t in the episode, because the show clearly assumes you’ll get the picture and can skip a rehash of information. But what you were probably expecting – maybe even hoping for – it’s not that. You’re gonna have to hang on for that one.

Finally, have 15 random yet significant words from this week’s episode without any context whatsoever: Gaia, Ronald, mother, pierogies, cats, philosophy, target, blind, permission, lockdown, Kool-aid, buffet, gift, trial, choice.

‘Supernatural’ airs Thursday at 8/7c on The CW

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoldretired]

alrighty! im gonna talk about my two new dr!ocs and some updates on sheon’s whole thing. remember they don’t have names yet adkaljasdkfa

SURVIVOR: the ultimate jazz singer. 

as mentioned, she’s the ultimate jazz singer. pretty subdued personality, but she’s the type of jazz singer who would just. scream into a microphone a la screamin jay hawkins. she is pretty neutral/friendly but disconnected in the prologue/first chapter/second chapter. she gets more jittery as the interactions go on. but once you get to the post-fte section of chapter two, that night she actually tries to kill the protag. at this point its revealed her big Angsty Backstory is she got involved with drugs through the music scene and is currently suffering withdrawal symptoms and is Super desperate (something ive seen a lot with my co-musicians and its not good) big breakdown, really delirious, will eventually be talked off the ledge and calmed down. kind of like if sayaka was actually calmed down in thh chap 1

just so happens that during the night whoopsy someone else was killed. so you two have an alibi but to reveal it means you tell everyone about her issues. either there might be a lying feature like in drv3 to cover, or you tell the truth and end up isolating her. for chapter three and most of four she will keep her distance from the protag bc she’s uncomfortable but will eventually reach out to be friends again after chap 4 execution. 

is generally pretty useful during trials, tends to be a person who tries to help calm down more emotional students and look at things logically. is good at trying to calm down the blackened once the protag catches their bluff bc she understands what its like to be desperate. she does, however, cry during/after every punishment. tells others not to speak poorly of their executed classmates. 

she compulsively chews gum, and one of her favorite gifts would be gum. jokes about having an oral fixation. during school mode she might joke about singing love songs but being so awkward about it in real life. really likes dogs, has a dog plushie in her room. 

a first two fte will focus on her health/wellbeing. the third she’ll ask to not talk about that anymore and the next three are just about general stuff. the final one she’ll basically go a little further into detail but the moral of her story is like, she’s not a bad person for doing what she did, no one is. she’s just a person. and it cn happen to anymore.

dresses in clothes more inspired by late mod/early 70s fashion. hoestly im seeing like a turtleneck/pantsuit combo. short curly hair. big heavy under eyelashes. 

MASTERMIND: the ultimate drag racer (ultimate cruiser)

ok but I LOVE him. personality wise he’s the story’s anxious character, think closer in personality to chap 1 shuichi. quiet, skittish, easily flustered, sometimes cracks jokes that fall flat. he’s framed for the chap 1 murder (someone died in a go kart accident, its assumed he sabotaged the other car, his argument is why would he kill someone in a race in front of all his classmates?) the protag obviously works hard to prove he’s innocent. after the execution he makes a promise to the protag that he owes him one big time, and while it seems innocent at the time, the wording should have like. a slight suspicious undertone. 

he’ll investigate weirder areas of the school instead of practical (sometimes he has clues sometimes not) and if there’s ever a mechanical question for a trial, you’ll generally ask him for clarification. he’s not very trusting of others and is often the one to accuse others/bring the information learned in trials back into the real world and make a big deal out of it. for example, he’ll make a big deal about the attempted murder in chap 2, and he’s the one who’s constantly accusing sheon of being a traitor

at first he seems like he’s just anxious, but obviously, he’s the mastermind, and he’s trying to tear the group apart. 

his fte he’s awkward the first few times but he opens up slowly, showing actual comfort/joy around the protag. wants to be close friends. offers to take protag go karting. while their personality is pretty awkward most of the time, there are flashes of an adrenaline junky every now and then especially when talking about cars, where he seems so full of life and drive it’s almost scary. very competitive during these times, his determination almost taking a sadistic glee when talking about beating others. of course he explains it as his cutthroat sport, but ya know...mastermind. instead of saying we’re going to survive he says we’re going to win. friendly towards the others but doesn’t really care about them focused on protag. is consciously trying to seperate protag from sheon.

for a mastermind he’s actually quite the empath and grows attached to his classmates, which he actually takes pleasure in the amount of despair he feels after each of their executions. reason behind the game is the adrenaline rush he feels, never has felt more alive than on despair. he discovered the rush the first time he got in a car accident, and the moments before his crash where like pure bliss. he wanted to let everyone else feel his feverish joy, and talks about how everyone has enjoyed this, deep down. they’re all getting their sick kicks. breaks the fourth wall and alludes to the fact that the protag (through the player) is having the most fun of all. 

final trial where it’s revealed, he’s still v attached to the protag in like an almost yandere way and wants to follow up on the favor he owes from chap 1. he offers a deal to the protag where if they’re welcome to be their accomplice in all this and get out of the game. protag should push to bargain that everyone can give up their morals, sacrifice themselves to despair, and live as the mastermind’s accomplice in exchange for ending the killing game. 

eventually, he’ll agree, but only if the group decides one life among them to sacrifice for no other reason than to kill an innocent friend. the way to get to the correct ending is to choose yourself which will like invalidate the deal. protag ends up dying and everyone else lives. leaves the mastermind in a despair, but for the first time, he does not derive any pleasure. 

takes a LOT OF GLEE in admitting he convinced everyone else sheon was the traitor when she was not, everyone else is horrified.

anyways. his school mode/love mode events show his more likeable side, he can actually be a really cute partner if it weren’t for the part he’s evil but uh. soft sometimes. 

really likes energy drinks. talks about sponsorships. color scheme is like. a black racing suit but his jacket is tied around his waist and he’s wearing a wife beater. tons of accents of neon all over his outfit from like patches and brand deals. backwards hat. blushes easily. has a mullet. i love him. 

“TRAITOR” : SHEON FUKUDA (the ultimate film maker) 

ok so. still antagonistic. but more in the way of pushing your buttons and pointing out your flaws in a trial. like somewhere between antagonist and kirigiri. super chill personality, cracks a lot of jokes, is hardcore struggling with the games and will be open about her mental illness. her fatal flaw is still her martyr complex

is first framed after chap 2 bc of accused of having the ability to direct and oversee a production like this, and from that moment forward no one can trust her and she’s SUPER alienated. she’s still awkwardly trying to be friends/friendly but people act like she’s going to betray them all. tries to prove innocence multiple times going as far as to beginning of chap 3 announce to the group if they need to kill anyone, let it be her so no one else gets hurt and is super transparent about who she is. but this transparency makes people more suspicious. as she goes on she gets more desperate/gallows humor. last convo bfore chap 5 begins she has a vague conversation about with protag about if they fear death. chap 5 would end up being either a suicide or double murder (they killed each other one in attack the other while being defended against) so there’s no execution but monokuma still wants something. its also in this trial that the ultimate drag racer plants evidence taht makes it look like she’s the traitor and is addressed head on. 

a common motif for her is ‘playing the role assigned’ and knowing who she is and who she isn’t. she’s pretty comfortable knowing who she is but expresses unhappiness about being painted a villain. maybe like, three times through the story to this point it’s established as a motif/quirk of fitting a role she’s assigned bc if the protag asks her a question about herself/past/the overall story, she asks the protag a question like well, what do you want 1) 2) and you choose and she’s like. ok. then its _______. same thing here. as she’s finally excused she stares at the protag and is like do you really believe im the traitor? (yes) stares long and hard, somethng sad and defeated in her eyes. ok then. i am.

the trial doesn’t have a punishment originally planned bc the blackened are not alive. but she chooses not to vote and willingly chooses to be punished because everyone else has decided she’s the traitor and she chooses to play along so they can get closure. her last conversation should be about choosing the act of resistance, no matter how convoluted it can be. she doesn’t fear death. the pain sure, but not death. this was her choice to be punished, not the masterminds, and she hopes they lose any glee they take in her suffering because its a sacrifice for hope instead of a death in despair. last request is that she asks for the protag to make sure the manuscripts she wrote during her time are published, the last great work of sheon fukuda.

EXECUTION: CULTURE SHOCK so she wakes up on a soundstage to blinding light. she’s attached with electrodes. monokuma is sitting on a director’s chair with a director’s hat. basically the premise is as the ultimate film maker, she has to recreate different iconic movie scenes and every time she makes a mistake she gets shocked. she keeps on getting thrown into new scenes into the middle of old ones, throwing her off. after a sequence of costume changes/farces she finally collapses in the soundstage. 

beat. she looks up. above the soundstage is a sign that says “congratulations” or something. everyone gasps. she believes she beat it. a single light comes on in center stage prompting her to take a bow. she stumbles over, stands up, and looks into the shadows in the general direction of her classmates. a teleprompter prompts her classmates to clap. she takes glee, soaking in her win, and bows. as she comes up she smiles for a second before a short rings out. she’s shot through the heart. culture shock!

fte are mostly talking about directors/film references and what its like to be a film maker. real dry humor, sometimes talks about deeper stuff. her backstory is that her dad was working for an american embassy so she grew up in america going to art shool, and she feels out of place, despite being a japanese student with the same basic culture as everyone else. sometimes talks about slimeball directors, sometimes talks about missing certain food, loves takling about movies. as a filmmaker she specializes in dark comedy/farce which makes her suspicious of how someone can enjoy writing somethng so twisted

views are very intersectional, a little new agey, but still well put together. clearly a free spirit, very quirky from working in cinema, super dry sense of humor. likes philosophy

really likes blueberry jam. favorite item is somthing blueberry.

after chap 1 trial she expresses to the protag how she can never be the blackened, not just because of murdering one student, but to get away with it, everyone else would be punished instead, and she can’t deal with the blood on her hands. 

is open about her struggles with mental illness and how she was getting help and showing improvement bfore coming here but now she feels herself spiraling and hates it.

values everyone here as good friends, and while she tries to play it off she hates how they’re painting her as a villain. takes every death very personally. 

color scheme is very pastel, and she wears sweat pants and a collared shirt with a light blue robe. you can’t tell if those are pajamas or an outfit. wears rose-colored glasses. all about the aesthetic, just lean so far into film culture with her. personality/feelings towards style are very influenced by the fact she went to an american arts school instead of a japanese school like her peers so every part of her is slightly off/quirky/out-of-touch

she’ll mostly wear the glasses over her eyes, sometimes pushing them down on her nose for emphasis to make eye contact. only her anger sprite (point) shows her taking them off. 

during her execution she pushes them onto her forehead before taking her bow, almost to meet eye to eye. after she’s shot the last frame is them landing on the ground, cracking. 

i love sheon so much

[darthlorddiamond]

New Hope

This is the eighth episode of the Black Diamond story, if you want to read the previous episode or follow the next ones you can check my Masterlist.

Summary: After Egil's death, rumors of a new threat begin to spread throughout Parnassos, forcing Keldo and Balder to take action on it. Meanwhile, Diamond and Phasma's relationship continues to degenerate.

Words: 3,605

Reading Time: 15 min

Category: Bio

Warnings: Smut (Oral Sex Receive, Fingering, Vaginal Penetration).

Note: I really do apologize for my redaction, English is my third language, so I try to write the best I can.

__________________

New Hope

After Egil's death, things in the clan changed a lot. Porr argued that his motives for murdering him were because Egil was condemning everyone due to his lack of leadership and that eventually our deal with the Claw Clan would be damaged by his weakness. All the clan members agreed to send him into exile, but Keldo and Phasma disagreed, so it was decided that Porr would enter combat to ensure his stay in the clan. 

It was Phasma who beat him in battle and Porr had no choice but to remain in the clan under her command.

On the other hand, Keldo positioned himself as our leader and patriarch, Ylva, who was our matriarch, chose to give up her place and give way to the younger generation to take the areas of key importance. Gosta and Phasma began to fight to see who would take her place, while I chose to stay out of all these events. I didn´t care who took charge, who made the decisions, although, on the other hand, Keldo wanted me to take Ylva´s throne.

Egil's death, without a doubt, was a tragic incident for everyone, especially for me. At all times I felt that the fact that he was no longer with us was my fault, my heart was completely broken, I no longer wanted to remain with anyone, I just wanted to be alone, so little by little I began to distance myself from the main activities of the clan, I would no longer go to train and most of my life was on the night, that way, I could avoid crossing with someone. With the loneliness and pain of the mourning, I could feel how something inside me was screaming to get out. After a month of my isolation, I decided that it was time to start train my way and stop ignoring that force that is was in me, so at night I sneaked through the caves and, without no one, I began to explore what was that energy that came from me every time the anger and the pain washed me over. Surrounded by silence and darkness it was how I began to understand that that force could be activated and manipulate on my will, sometimes, I remember my games with the snow in Hoth, although those, motivated by curiosities and fascination, were very different from this, obtained through hours of meditation and contained grief.

Since my cabin had been completely consumed by fire, I started living with Ylva, who tried to make my days as bearable as possible. There were full days that I stayed with her, cringing inconsolably in her arms, as she just stroked my hair in silence. Ylva was the only close contact I had with the rest of the clan. Sometimes Keldo visited me after his practices, and he just sat on the edge of my bed while I was still laid. We never spoke.

A few months a rumor began to spread among our clans, predicting the arrival of a fleet that could threaten our entire planet, commenting that it had been reborn from the ashes of the old Empire and its objective was the same. Some people take this as mere gossip from traders who casually land on our planet, while others, including Keldo and Balder, saw it as a warning.

One night, our troops together with the Claw Clan called a meeting to determine our defense measures, and despite my tediousness, I concluded that the best was to join them. "Our planet has an old defense system that Con Star installed when they were here, I think it was established to deal with thieves who might come to steal their minerals..." said Balder as he lit a cigarette; Keldo, Carr, Porr, and Torben were talking among themselves about his comment, while Phasma, now named our new matriarch, fanned the fire of our bonfire "Keldo, even if it's a rumor, we have to be prepared..." Balder was still smoking while I sat next to him, while the others were still arguing "In case it's just that, a rumor, we´ll also be protecting our planet from any future threat..." I discreetly held Balder gently by his hand and with a gesture, I asked him to light me a cigarette, Phasma, was fixing her eyes on me "I plan to guide a crew to the Con Star facilities..." Balder gave me the lit cigar "And find out if the defense system is still working".

The boys stopped talking to each other and look at Balder, Keldo was ready to talk but he was interrupted "And if the system doesn't work, then what will we do?" Phasma sat in front of me "The Con Star facilities have been empty for more than 100 years..." she crossed her arms without taking her eyes off me "It's a toss of a coin!" she continues her argue, looking at me while I was smoking "Going to the Con Star facilities is to cross half a desert, require men, vehicles and resources. If we get there and the system doesn't work anymore, everything will be at useless and a waste of time" she concluded her plea, I only saw her while I continued smoking, it was obvious that this was going to be a long night and more with Phasma disagreeing of everything "I think Phasma is right..." Keldo began to speak while crossing his arms too "Going to Con Star is a risk for every one us, but it´s riskier to ignore the rumors...". 

"Keldo!" interrupted Phasma with a shout, while he only raised a hand towards her to shut her up "If we go there and the planet's defense systems no longer work, we´ll have spent time and resources, but, if we can still activate it, we´ll be ensuring the protection of all of us against any threats, so..." Keldo turned to see Phasma, who was starting to turn red with anger "It's decided, we´ll go" and without saying anything, Phasma got up from her place and left the campfire "It´s agreed then!" Balder gave a noisy applause while a huge smile was painted on his face "We´ll leave tomorrow at dawn!" and rising from the fire, he headed out for his clan to begin the preparations.

Once the details were agreed between our crew, some went to their cabins when the others followed Balder, leaving Keldo and me alone, so once I finished my cigar, I threw it into the bonfire and I got up from my place, starting to walk back to my cabin with my back to Keldo "Diamond, could you stay one more moment with me? It won't take long.." turning around, I sat down again, we found ourselves facing another, separated by the fire "I know that these months have been difficult for you..." I crossed my arms while he started talking "You have notoriously left from..." I couldn't believe Keldo believed that he could give me a lecture and without stop looking at the fire I interrupted him "No Keldo, you don't know, stop assuming that you know how I feel and how difficult this has been for me, when..." Keldo abruptly stands up from his place, maybe in his mind, he thought that showing some sympathy I was going to open my mind to him, which didn´t work as he wanted and made him flustered, so he choose to take the offensive "I know about Egil and you Diamond! Phasma told me that she found you in Egil´s arms the night of the first confrontation we had with Balder!" his statement took me completely by surprise, how he dared to reclaim me for something like that, I felt uncomfortable, embarrassed, annoyed and at the same time I understood why Phasma behaved like this towards me "And still, I ignored it for a whole year! A year in which I courted you, to try to be by your side, even knowing that you were sleeping with him!". 

I began to feel how some helpless tears ran down my cheeks, how he dares do this "And it surprises me that, even now, knowing this, you make me aside with your indifference!" Keldo was annoyed, since, when he started walking towards me his steps were long and heavy "For some reason, you interest me a lot! More than I should...” his voice became almost a whisper when he reached me. Once in front, he knelt, the tears didn´t stop flowing from my eyes when his hands gently held my cheeks, slightly lifting it, now easily I could see him in the eyes, his thumbs wiped away the tears that ran down my cheeks and Keldo placed his forehead on mine. I could feel his warm breath on my face, his nose brushing mine, when suddenly, his lips landed on mine, and although brief, it was a soft caress that filled my chest with warmth “Please Diamond, left all that behind and stay with me this time..." he whispered to my lips. Keldo kept kissing me, holding my body in an embrace so tight that it seemed that our bodies would come one together.

His lips became more insistent, his hands clung to my body harder and before mounting a scene in public we went to his cabin. Once inside, Keldo's entire body was on mine, pinning me on the door, while his hands untied the knots of my robe and his lips made their way into my neck, kissing it and leaving a trail of small bites, until he found my sweet spot, causing me to moan a little. 

My hands gripped Keldo's hair, while he made their way into my clothing, pulling back my robe and exposing my breasts. Gently, one of his hands began to massage one of it, while the other firmly held my hip "I want you..." Keldo whispered in my neck and began to create a path with his lips around my neck to my chest. Slowly he brings his lips to one of my breasts and starts to lick my nipple. All his movements were delicate on my body and I cannot deny that I was loving the way he treated me, with so much affection "Do you like it?" Keldo whispered bringing his gaze to mine, I just nod "Tell me what you want me to do..." he kept tracing kisses on my chest until he reached my other nipple, which he kissed tenderly "Suck it.." I whispered and immediately Keldo brought his mouth to my breast, licking and sucking it. 

I could feel his tongue playing with my nipple, his saliva dripping around it. My nipple was so hard between his lips, while one of my hands continued to hold his hair, I held my breast with the other and I began to rub my nipple between my fingers, I started moaning louder, I could see how Keldo watched sideways as I pinched my hard nipple, so she started sucking harder, making me extremely sensitive, meanwhile I could feel my pussy getting wet.

The hand he has on my waist slipped under my pants and his fingers began to rub my pussy. Keldo separated his mouth from my breasts and removed his hand from my pussy, unzipped my pants and removed it together with my panties, he knelt in front of me and looking at me with his eyes semiclosed, he took one of his hands to my slit and began to caress it, opening it and rubbing it and without saying anything, he insert one of his fingers into my cunt and started to sink it gently, at no time he didn´t take his gaze from my eyes, while my chest moved faster and faster, after a few seconds, he inserted another of his fingers and started to increase the rhythm.

I leaned against the door and slightly bent my knees to give him better access while still stroking my nipples, the room filled with my moans and the sound that Keldo's fingers made as it entered and slamed my cunt, his hand was started to be covered with my juices, suddenly, he removed his fingers from my slit and brought it to his mouth, licking and sucking it until it was clean "I want to taste you fully..." his words made my whole body tremble with desire, I just nodded, Keldo brought his face close to my pussy, with one of his hands he lifted one of my legs and placed it on his shoulder, giving him better access to my cunt, once, in that position, one of his hands held my hip to give me stability and with the other, he buried his fingers in my pussy again, while he slowly took his mouth to my slit and began to lick it.

Tenderly and cautiously, his tongue traced all over my slit, while his fingers kept pumping. I started to moan louder and louder, I could feel a pressure forming in my belly, Keldo increased the speed his fingers and I held with both hands his head digging it deeper into my pussy, he continued rubbing his tongue, engulfing my juices "Come in my mouth..." he whispers, sending amazing vibrations in my whole body "I want you to cum in my mouth ... I want to taste you completely..." and he started sucking my clit. I couldn't take it anymore and let my orgasm take over me, while I held his head tighter in my pussy as I came, Keldo just moaned loudly on it as he continued to suck my clit and his fingers kept going in and out.

Slowly, he held my body, which was in a state of ecstasy, my knees were shaking a little and I was panting, so he charged me between his arms to the bed. Once there, as I was getting out of my high state while he began to undress. Gradually, each of his clothes fell to the floor, I took the opportunity to finish removing the few clothes I had left. His hands unbuttoned his pants and he began to lower it slowly, letting his cock bounce, it was not very big, but it was thick. 

Licking my pussy had made him extremely hard, since his head was red and covered with a huge drop of pre-cum, which he spread all over his extension with one of his thumbs. Keldo stood at the foot of the bed observing my entire body while holding and caressing his entire cock from top to bottom, my eyes were completely fixed on how his hands rubbed their entire length. 

He didn´t say anything, just climbed onto the bed, positioned himself between my legs, which he opened completely, aligned his cock with my entrance and started to push it in slowly and growled "You are so wet..." once with his cock completely inside my cunt, he fixed his eyes on my pussy and caressed my folds with one of his hands "You look just perfect like this, taking all my cock inside your tight pussy ..." he began to move slowly "So, so tight..." a groan formed in his throat, all its length felt so well inside me, his hands began to caress my hip, my waist, my abdomen until he reached my neck and held it "I think Egil didn´t fuck your sweet pussy very often..." and with a big smile on his face, without saying more, he began to thrust his cock abruptly "It's a shame he didn't put it to good use..." I could feel his cock hitting my cervix pulling the loudest moans out of my mouth "But don't worry..." Keldo kept fucking me with brutal force "I'll fuck you until you can't take it anymore..." his hips impacted sharply with mine, while his fingers sank on my hip, curses mixed with my name came out of his lips and little by little his cock began to rub more and more my g-spot, causing my full body to begin to tense "Come on... Fuck... Come on my cock" sweat trickled down his forehead, he was close to reaching his limit as his lunges began to lose pace "I want you to cum on my cock Diamond..." my body, without a doubt, wanted to continue feeling his cock going in and out of me.

I wanted his hands to leave bruises where it held me, I wanted to continue listening to his moans "Do you like Keldo?" I held him by the legs, I wanted to increase the friction "Do you like how my pussy squeezes your cock?" Keldo groaned and fixed his eyes on mine "Keep talking to me like this..." he lifted one of my legs and placed it on his shoulder, leaning over me posing his face over mine "You're going to make me cum if I keep talking like this..." he caught my lips on his and kissed me passionately "Fuck... Yes... Please continue..." with my leg on his knee the depth of his onslaughts grew stronger, I could feel his cock squirm inside me "Fill me with your cum Keldo..." I held him by the shoulders as he buried his head in my neck "Cum to the last drop..." his tongue licked my neck, while his hip pressed harder making me moan louder and louder "Let my pussy milk all your of you..." my words did wonders on he, since, in an instant, his cock began to contract in my pussy, causing my orgasm just in time to feel how he filled me with his warm seed without stopping fucking me.

Once we both recovered from our highs, Keldo pulled out his cock, lay down next to me, and took me to his chest. His hands gently caressed my hair, while I felt how he was kissing the top of my head "Stay with me Diamond" I just nodded as one of my hands drew figures on his chest. Slowly, we both started to get sleepy and as the night continued, I could feel how his actions and words change me; once more my darkness began to transform into a small halo, a light sigh that filled me with new hope again.

The mission to Con Star was successful, between our group and the Claw Clan, we were able to restore the defense systems that are throughout all Parnassos, from now on, if a ship wanted to land on our planet, they had to request permission, otherwise, it would be knocked down at the first second it enters our atmosphere. Little by little, several merchant ships arrived on our planet, since Con Star's communication system had also been put into operation. As the merchants arrived, they brought with them new and bigger rumors about the supposed New Empire, an empire that none of them had personally seen but that is spreading like wildfire.

With all this, the relation between our clan changed radically. Phasma wasn´t entirely comfortable with the fact that Keldo and I were so openly with our relationship and she declared on several occasions her desire to go out and explore other planets with the arriving merchant ships, to which Keldo always refused. I continued with my nightly training whenever I can and during the days, Keldo insisted on teaching me politics, negotiation and business strategies, I learned a lot from him, especially when he taught me that sometimes says nothing and only see the people could tell me much more than words and how the acts could say more about the intentions of them.

Tensions within our clan became increasingly due to the discomfort and anger of Phasma, who positioned herself not only as the matriarch of our clan, but also as one of our best warriors, if not the best. Carr, Porr, Gosta, Siv, and Torben kept in her side forming a kind of group of soldiers, who each time they could, questioned the orders of Keldo, who, supported by Balder, managed to keep them in place. I decided that it was best to stay out of any situation that involved any contact with Phasma and her group, since, for some reason, whenever we get involved in any circumstance, Phasma ended up on the offensive with me and what Keldo less need in that moment, was that, his sister and his, now future wife, ignited more the fires of the disagreement and separation of the group.

I agreed to marry Keldo more out of the need to provide stability to our clan than out of a desire to do so, although that didn´t mean that I didn´t feel any kind of emotional bond with him. Following Ylva's advice, our leader needs to shows the ability to maneuver an own family to give stability to their image, so we decided to set a date for the wedding in the middle of the next year.

The celebrations of the begging of 24 ABY had barely passed, when the security system alarms went on, an unauthorized ship had entered our atmosphere without permission and the security system shot it down near the Con Star facility, at the same time, Claw Clan members claimed to had seen an escape pod launched within their territory. Immediately Keldo and Balder put together a plan to recover the capsule, from our part a group led by Phasma and consisting of Siv, Gosta, Carr, Porr and Torben, will go, while Balder sent a dozen men to accompany them, the instructions of Keldo were clear, retrieving any supplies from the ship and kill the survivors.

Note: I would like to especially thank @kyloren-theprince​, @thetorturerwrites​​ & @kylorengarbagedump​ who took time to read this first part of my saga and sent me observations with all the patience in the world.

[faelapis]

white diamond’s morality

i think one of the reasons i like SU so much is, i feel its approach to morality is more structural than individual.

cartoons tend to be a bit... “great man history” about its conflict resolution. that is to say, entire systems hinge on their leaders, and the masses are easily led in a new direction if the old leader is dispatched. this is seen as unproblematic, and no one clings to everything they were taught under the old system. unless, of course, they’re one of the “bad seeds” (note again the individualism) and must also be dispatched, rather than understood as part of a context.

su definitely has a bit of that, namely the gems who were inspired by rose and chose to fight with her, but it’s more deconstructive about it. they all have personal reasons for joining, rather than the rejection of their old lives being the “default”. they still cling to fears of failing to be what they’re supposed to (especially pearl), and their leader doesn’t have a solution to the gem hierarchy. 

rose is against it, but she doesn’t know how to dismantle it. she carries seeds of disrespect towards those she protects. she may not even think they can truly break free, judging by her dialogue. she plays the perfect leader, because she’s become depressed enough to think that’s what they want her to be. it’s certainly what she was encouraged to think.

moreover, many on the cg side, including rose, thought that “shattering“ pink would be the end of it. that the dear leader was necessary to keep the system alive. but that thought is subverted - not just by the other diamonds, whose ties to pink are close, but by her followers. the ones whose role became their solace, rather than the thing they wanted to escape from. they don’t all become crystal gems, because that’s not what makes sense to them. what makes sense is to... keep going, as before. that’s what made sense to jasper, eyeball, nephrite.

and yes, they all suffer for it, but the worldbuilding of the show is strong enough that there’s inherent understanding that their responses make sense within their world, and that expecting them to celebrate and change sides overnight is... kind of unfair. it was certainly immature of rose, if she ever had that hope.

which brings me to white diamond.

i love the setup of the current arc. the question is never “can white be redeemed or will we just have to kill her”, because there are actual reasons they’re talking to her in the first place that aren’t merely ideological. like, ok, you defeat white, then what? the corrupted gems are still corrupted. her gems will hate you, maybe even seek revenge. i hope your individual moral purity was worth it, because that’s all you get for refusing to talk to her. by treating her as an individual evil, you’re inherently choosing to ignore structural problems at hand.

so the real questions are as following: 1. what would steven need to do to convince white to help him? 2. why does white perpetuate the system, and what does she think would happen without it?

i’m not the oracle who can tell you the former, but the latter is worth discussing. most of the reaction i’ve seen to the idea of white having genuine character motivation is very... well, as the saying goes, “cool motive, still murder”.

but people basically say that about every character before they know that motivation. they said it about jasper. they said it about blue and yellow (some still do, but others substitute that for blaming everything on white). it’s a very easy thing to say, when you assume all it could be is just “maybe they’re sad and lonely :(“... but that’s not what i imagine for white.

to be clear - i do think she’s lonely. isolating yourself in your head (figuratively and literally) for thousands of years will do that to you... and playing puppet with her pearl is kind of a brilliant commentary on what it’s like to be avoidant - you’re there, you can see and hear others, but you’re shielding yourself in such a way that they can’t really reach you. you’re not present enough to open yourself up, or ever tell anyone how you feel. “white never leaves her own head anymore”.

but this isn’t a motivation in and of itself. avoidance is tied to anxiety, so what is white so scared of happening if she lets go of her control?

honestly, i think what she fears is nothing less than the end of gemkind.

becoming a childless god.

the crystal gems are basically ok with that. they have to be, because gem production requires feeding off of planets, and fertile ones tend to be populated - hence the injectors look like irl viruses. they’re a parasitic species. they reproduce by killing their host.

moreover, gem production is highly specialized. you need kindergarteners, and then you need lapis lazulis to terraform in preparation of the injectors, then of course you need armies to conquer the next planet, and then Of Course you need agates to keep those gems in line, and then Naturally you need a court system with zircons to make sure everyone does their jobs, and Obviously guards to keep the peace, and managers, and pilots, and domestic servants, and if everyone doesn’t do these things then nothing will ever get done! there will be chaos and we’ll be defeated and we’ll all die next time we try to reproduce. what’s that, the youngest diamond thinks we should prioritize humankind over our own species? don’t be absurd!

that’s the rabbit hole of anxiety white has fallen down. and those anxieties aren’t merely hers, but everyone who follows the system - and gems seemingly burst out of the ground “already knowing what they’re supposed to be”, which is very much in line with that system. 

we tend to prescribe individuality to the diamonds, that they do things merely because they want to, but i think white is as much part of her court as her court depends on her. she doesn’t just think she’s the leader, she thinks she has to be in order to serve her society. she’s another gear in the clockwork, just like everyone else. why shouldn’t she stay in her room as a perfect queen, shining down on her court without desires of her own? why should she open up about what she wants? such irrational thoughts...

i think how pink creates life (the pebbles, lion, steven’s watermelons) terrifies white, because it’s use of resources without that structure. putting your own desires above your duty, allowing atomic chaos controlled only by each individual, knowing that those individuals could be destroyed and nothing new could be made without a diamond’s essence... feels selfish to her. like. ok, you want individuality and choice, cool, i’m kinda trying to keep everything in its place so we can live on as a species. but go off i guess.

and this is the part where i say what’s obvious but still needs to be said - white’s perspective is flawed. pink may be reckless, selfish, and naive, but white’s system is so deeply collectivist that she fails to see the clockwork as made up of individuals. why shouldn’t she harvest and replace a faulty part, if someone in the beehive isn’t doing their job perfectly? we’re all just machine parts, and we’re all replaceable. naturally. for the greater good. 

it’s fitting that what made her smile in the first place was a synchronized dance of literal machine parts. the end of that order terrifies her.

this is why her design (and homeworld’s) is so heavily inspired by the movie “metropolis” - which was in and of itself a critique of the dehumanization of workers under industrialism. white is the end point of that. that’s also where we got the quote for the configuration of the diamond ship - “the mediator between the head (white) and the hands (blue & yellow) must be the heart (steven)”. 

but it’s not just her. peridot and jasper both think this is perfectly rational, and write the crystal gems off as emotional and selfish (at first). and.. everything taken into account, it’s clear that neither the crystal gems as a collective or rose as an individual have been able to fully cast these ideas aside. rose’s answer wasn’t for gems - it was to put her faith in humanity, who “can choose”. who can reinvent themselves. and she thought right up until her last years that gems are somewhat tied to their purpose. that’s why she wanted to be human, after all.

and that’s why steven makes such a great bridge between these worlds. he’s blunt about how wrong it is, what rose and the crystal gems thought - that gems couldn’t change. of course they can, look at how far garnet, amethyst, and pearl have come! look at how they’ve blossomed, look at how they’ve worked to become their best selves! look at what gems and humans have in common! 

and what’s sometimes a flaw of his - inserting himself into other people’s lives and believing he understands what’s best for them, even before he knows them as individuals, to the point that it occasionally drives people (like lapis and lars) away... who does he have that in common with, if not the diamonds? if not the “impeccable judgement” of white herself?

i think that’s why, ultimately... flawed, biased and shortsighted as he can be (just like his mother), steven can get through to white. maybe not now, but someday. because he understands how these things fit together, how the problems of individuals have structural causes. most importantly, he knows that it’s going to take more than just him to fix things - and maybe he can help white realize that, too. there’s a secret fusion or love affair everywhere you look on homeworld, and so she could never really control a clockwork order... but that’s ok, because she can let go. everything in the world isn’t up to her.

[witchymarvelspacecase]

Mission Improbable

Summary: The team is tired of Bucky’s mopey energy, so they hatch a plan, but you know better. Let the shenanigans commence.

Word Count: 2788

Warnings: Un-beta’d, cursing, fluff

A/N:This is a total random piece, inspired by a conversation with @gigistorm . It’s a major disaster, but I kinda love it. Hope you all do too!

Avengers tower was a high energy place. The lower levels, which housed both Stark Enterprises HQ and the Avengers PR and logistics teams, were a hive of activity at almost any hour, The upper floors, which housed the Avengers themselves, had less people, but no less busy.

Normally, it was a content, almost happy sort of buzzing energy that floated around the Avengers quarters. Before missions, the energy was more tense. After the energy could be either melancholic or euphoric. But the usual feeling was a pleasant one. At least, most of the time.

When Bucky arrived, the mood shifted. Suddenly, he was in an unfamiliar environment, surrounded by people who did not get a good first impression of him. Bucky seemed to want to isolate, to keep to himself to that he couldn’t upset anyone. The shift in the building’s energy was uncomfortable for you, especially with you powers, but you understood his reasoning. Actually, those same powers that made you so sensitive, were what helped you to understand him better.

You could read people’s energy, judging by the feel of their energy, you could gage their mood, feelings, and sometimes their thoughts. You could manipulate a person’s energy to a degree as well. No, you couldn’t completely drain a person, and kill them, but you could pull enough of their energy away, that you knocked them unconscious. On the flip side, you could boost a person’s energy, which could help boost a person’s mood. So, when you noticed Bucky sticking to the outskirts of the team, you thought you’d offer to help.

Once you explained that you would NEVER alter his energy without his permission, Bucky actually seemed willing to talk to you. Those first conversations were awkward and stilted, but soon, the two of you were talking like old friends. Especially after the rest of the team devised their “plan”.

…

“Okay look, Manchurian Candidate is a serious buzz kill. We gotta get the guy to lighten up,” Tony announced once the briefing room doors closed behind the last person.

He’d called a team meeting t discuss what he called an important mission, but when you walked in, all you saw was a PowerPoint titled: “Mission Improbable: Get Bucky to Smile”.

“Tone, I’m not sure this is the best way to go about this,” Rhodes sighed, after Tony laid out his plan.

“Well we need to do something, okay? His perpetual grey cloud is putting a real damper on things.”

“He just doesn’t feel like he belongs here, Tony. He’s not angry or anything, he just need time,” Steve tried to explain. But for some reason, even though he seemed to understand, he ended up agreeing with Tony’s plan, and so did everyone else.

The conclusion that the team finally reached was that a little friendly hazing would fix Bucky’s problem. You ended up spending the entire meeting with your head in your hands, willing yourself not to smack the ever loving shit out of your friends. You wished Natasha was there, knowing she would have helped you, but the whole reason Tony had planned the meeting, was that Bucky and Nat were out on a recon mission. They were due to arrive home later that night.

As you sat, contemplating the stupid plan, you thought about what you could do. From what you’d seen of Bucky’s energy and the increasing number of talks the two of you had, you were sure that the “harmless” pranks the team were planning would only make Bucky’s feelings of isolation worse. Unable to get your teammates to comprehend, you instead made a plan of your own.

The team’s goal was to get Bucky to smile. Yours was to block all their stupid pranks, and maybe play a few of your own in return, hopefully, with Bucky’s help.

…

The moment Bucky and Natasha arrived back at the tower, you all but jumped Bucky, and dragged him back to your room. You’d talked in there before, but you could see Bucky’s confusion. You knew that he would rather be in his room, but you also knew that Clint’s prank was waiting for him there.

Each of the team members had chosen their own prank, to be played one at a time, throughout the week. Once you’d gotten the thoroughly confused Bucky Barnes to your room, you explained what was going on.

“Honestly, I think they were trying to help, but it doesn’t seem like a good idea, so- I thought I’d tell you.” Once you said it out loud, you realized you’d sounded pretty stupid, but you truly wanted Bucky to know.

Bucky, who was sitting on the edge of your bed, sighed and slumped, resting his elbows on his knees. “Steve okayed this?”

“Yeah. His reasoning was that there had been a ton of shenanigans in the commandos, and you were all tight in the 40’s, so maybe Tony was on the right track. Steve’s prank is set for Tuesday.”

Bucky grumbled and scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. Noticing his energy dipping into what looked like “tired and frustrated”, you decided to mention your plan.

“I never agreed to be a part of their shit, but,” you paused, “I know all of their plans. That grabbed Bucky’s attention. When his eyes met yours, you smiled, “wanna help me mess with them instead?”

It took Bucky a moment, but a wicked grin slowl spread across his face, and his energy kicked back up.

“Hell yeah.”

…

Later that night, after you’d showed Bucky where Clint had hidden all the pop-its, the two of you carefully moved them into Clint’s room. Clint was a hell of a spy when he was awake, but he slept like the dead and relied heavily on coffee to wake up usually. It was easy to sneak in and hide the tiny noisemakers all over his room. The hardest part was holding in your giggles.

Monday Morning

“Good morning everyone,” you called as you entered the common room. Everyone except Wanda, Clint and Bucky was already there. Clint was always the last to arrive. Bucky was planning to make an entrance, but where was Wanda?

“Morning,” Bucky grumbled as he shuffled in, heading for the kitchen.

Every face but yours was a study in confusion.

“What the hell?” Sam muttered under his breath.

“Wasn’t Wanda gonna swap all his clothes for dresses? Where’d he get those?” Rhodes muttered back.

You caught Bucky’s eye and gave him a wink, that was immediately followed by a high pitched shriek.

“Was that Wanda?” Steve asked from the kitchen as Vision disappeared. You assumed that he had reappeared in Wanda’s room as a second shriek came a second after he left.

Then Clint ame staggering into the kitchen. His eyes were darting round the room, and he nearly jumped out of his socks when Steve set a plate down a little to loudly.

You were biting your tongue to keep from laughing, and though Bucky looked as stoic as ever, his energy was high, and if you had to guess, he was trying not to laugh too.

Vision appeared, suitably chastened, and said, “Wanda may not be leaving her room for a while. It appears that while she was showering, all her clothing and towels vanished.”

Tuesday

“You sure Buck? Yo always have orange juice in the morning.” Steve pressured Bucky after their run. But Bucky knew better. That was not orange juice in the pitcher in the fridge. It was boxed Mac and cheese powder mixed with water. Steve had been hoping for an epic spit-take, but it wasn’t gonna happen.

What HAD happened, unbeknownst to Steve, was an alteration to the back of his wardrobe.

Painted on the back were the words: “Star SPANK-led man with a plan” with a winking face and Steve’s phone number below.

Steve didn’t take his phone running, and you could hear it buzzing from across the room. It almost buzzed itself off the table.

“What on earth?” Steve looked so adorably confused.

“What’s the matter, Steve?” you asked innocently.

“I’ve got like 50 missed calls. I don’t even know any of these numbers.”

“Turn on channel 4,” Tony shouted as he slid into the common room. FRIDAY did as he asked and the large flat screen in the common room was soon filled with photos of Steve and Bucky running, and then pictures of Steve’s back.

You were pretty sure you’d never seen Steve’s face that shade of red before.

Wednesday

Thor’s prank of choice was to sabotage Bucky’s hidden Oreo stash. Thor had painstakingly replaced all the cookie filling with toothpaste. Obviously, Bucky was not going to be consuming any of those tainted cookies, but it did give him an idea.

Thus, the entire tower was awoken by Thor’s panicked shouts when his mouth was suddenly filled with bubbles that began to come out his nose. Shaving cream in a person’s toothpaste does that.

You and Bucky were the only ones not to rush to Thor’s aid, choosing instead to saunter into the hall, smirking and sharing a subtle high-five.

Thursday

You’d thought someone would have caught on by then. You lived with expert spies and ex-assassins for heaven’s sake. But no. If anyone caught on, they didn’t say anything, and no one changed their plans. Vision still tried to give Bucky a frozen bowl of cereal for breakfast.

Vision’s reaction to the prank pulled on him was lackluster, but the rest of the team made up for it. You’d had FRIDAY tell Vision, that due to a very specific mission requirement, the entire team needed to come to the briefing in tiaras and tutus. The team erupted into laughter when he came floating in the door.

“I take it by this response that I have been- what’s the phrase? Punked?” Vision monotoned as many, many photos were taken.

Unfortunately, due to the mission, you and Bucky were not able to prevent Tony’s prank.

Upon returning home, there was a GIANT ice sculpture in Bucky’s bed. And it had been there a while apparently, because it was already melting.

“I know we already replaced his ground coffee beans with dirt, but I’m still pissed. I just wanna go to bed,” Bucky whined, tossing his bag on the floor.

“You can come stay in my room, Buck.” You hadn’t really processed all of the possible consequences before offering; you were exhausted too. But after a bit of awkward, embarrassed explaining, the two of you decided that as you were adults, you could certainly share a bed for one night. And charge a new, very expensive mattress to Tony’s card in the morning.

Once you had both showered and changed, you had to cajole Bucky into actually making himself comfortable enough to sleep. He was adamant about staying on top of the covers and firmly on his side of the bed. You eventually got him to climb under the blankets. “There’s no point in being in here if you’re not gonna sleep, Bucky.”

After a bit, you could feel Bucky moving slightly, adjusting himself and his pillow, and you smiled. As you were drifting off, you heard Bucky say, “good night, Doll. Thank you.”

Friday

Sam’s prank was easily avoided since Bucky wasn’t in his room,and inadvertently slept later than usual.

Sam had strapped air horns to the backs of the doors to Bucky's room and the gym. Sam, in turn, was treated to a VERY loud alarm blaring John Philip Sousa at 3am. Neither you nor Bucky were awake to witness his reaction, but you were sure FRIDAY had a recording.

You woke, immensely comfortable. You’d never felt so cozy in your bed before and you didn’t want to get out of it, burrowing in further without a thought.

That thought came through just a few seconds later though, when you realized that what you’d assumed were blankets, were in fact Bucky’s arms. He’d wrapped his arms around you, and you had nestled into his chest, bunching his shirt in your hands.

When you looked up, Bucky was semi-awake. His eyes were blinking open, but he didn’t seem to really be aware of anything. You shifted a bit, to try and pull away from him in case waking up like this made him uncomfortable, but his arms tightened and immediately dreamt you back in. He nuzzled his nose into your hair, and mumbled something incoherent before his breathing dropped back into a sleeping pattern.

Sighing, with a smile on your lips, you resigned yourself to your fate and settled back in against Bucky’s chest.

When you woke the second time, Bucky was gone, but one of your favorite pastries was waiting for you on your nightstand.

Saturday

Together, you and Bucky found all of Bruce’s hidden alarm clocks before they went off Saturday morning. Then, after you changed the times on the alarms, you snuck them into Bruce’s lab. Your hiding places weren’t as good, but the effect was the same. Fortunately, Bruce hadn’t been handling anything caustic, cause he dropped the empty beaker he’d been holding when the first alarm began ringing.

Rhodes planed to wrap plastic wrap over Bucky’s door while he was sleeping, which Bucky decided to allow. He asked to stay with you again, to which you readily agreed.

“Honestly, I’m not sure the last time I slept that well,” Bucky said, looking uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his neck with his left hand.

“Me either,” you admitted, blushing as you helped Bucky wrap Rhodey’s Iron Patriot suit in the same plastic wrap. You used over five rolls, and by the time you were done, the blush had almost faded from your cheeks, but a bit of a matching pink still colored the tips of Bucky’s ears.

Sunday

Most of the team had realized that something was up by the last day, but apparently no one talked to Peter.

The entire team was in the hallway outside Bucky’s room, just in tie for Bucky to interrupt Peter setting up his prank.

Peter, who was busy webbing all of Bucky’s furniture and belongings to the ceiling didn’t even notice the crowd until Bucky spoke up.

“Ah, a spider,” Bucky called in a monotone voice, his face completely devoid of emotion.

Peter didn’t seem overly concerned until Bucky picked up the broom he’d stashed out in the hall.

“No! Wait, Mr. Barnes I-“ he started, but it was too late.

“I got it,” Bucky shouted and began swinging the broom over his head, successfully knocking some of his belongings from the ceiling nd whacking Peter in the face with the broom bristles multiple times before the kid finally dropped.

“Ow,” Peter moaned as he landed flat on his back on Bucky’s floor.

Bucky turned then, meeting each team member’s gaze. “Ya done fuckin’ with me now?”

“Oh well done, Barnes,” Thor laughed.

Sam and Tony were both sulking, but it was Steve who spoke next.

“So you knew all along, huh? All of this?”

“Yeah, Punk. I knew.”

“How?” Wanda asked quietly, looking around the group. When her eyes met yours, they narrowed in suspiscion. “You didn’t…”

“Didn’t what?” You asked, a smirk slowly spreading across your face.

One by one, your teammates realized the mistake they had made, allowing an confederate into their midst. They turned on you then, but Natasha managed to step in front of you. As she had been exempt from the pranks, she had been more or less aware of the whole situation. And since she appreciated not being subjected to any juvenile hazing, she managed to get you through the group and over to Bucky before your angry teammates could lay a finger on you.

Bucky played bodyguard for all of a minute before everyone calmed down. Sure they were still pissed you’d messed with their plans, but once you’d had a chance to talk (while being hidden behind Bucky), they admitted their lan wasn’t the best.

“You’re still helping me unwrap my suit,” Rhodes griped, as the group backed off.

You stepped around Bucky then, stopping next to him. “Okay Rhodey, I will help you de-plastic your suit,” you giggled. But before you moved, you looked up at Bucky. His energy was reading higher than usual, but he didn’t seem amped up, or worried, no he seemed… happy. You smiled, and without thinking, tiptoed to press a kiss to his cheek. “Thanks for protecting me, Bucky.”

You walked away without noticing the scene you’d caused. All of the team was staring. Several reached for cell phones to take pictures. Tony was in shock, and Steve was nearly in tears.

You see, Bucky was smiling.

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[memorylang]

Pets! Pronunciation, Saints and Souls | #12 | November 2019

I was helping the Buddhist monks understand the English alphabet one Friday, when I found they had trouble hearing me teach the sounds /ch/ and /j/. These two sounds are and have always been two I’ve struggled with since birth. Finally, I just chalked on the board, /ch/ = /ч/ and /j/ = /ж/. So, those who understood explained it in Mongolian to the others. My speech problems go way back.

I often say, I struggled with my native language too, when my Mongolian students struggle to speak English. Today, I return you to my childhood to share how personal English pronunciation problems affect my teaching today (plus stories about pets).

While a Peace Corps Volunteer, I’ve watched over both a kitten and a puppy, too. They made me reflect on life. And November begins with Allhallowtide. So I’ll wrap up today’s stories living my first full triduum to the dead.

The Challenging Child

Growing up, I fumed when siblings and especially Father kept telling me to, “Stop mumbling.” I never intended to sound inarticulate. My words just came out that way. 

After graduating high school, while packing to move from home to university, my eye caught my kindergarten teacher’s file on me. I flipped through it. Astonishingly, the teacher’s notes described month after month her concerns that I seemed slow to make friends, seldom spoke and sounded hardly audible when I did. I never realized kindergarten-me troubled her. 

While in Catholic elementary school, a friend and I maybe a few times per month attended a separate speech class from our classmates. Among our activities there, we sometimes played “Uno” and “Go Fish”—games I now adapt to teach English here in Mongolia (though “uno” is a Spanish word, hehe).

Before the first of those years of sessions began, my entire class underwent phonics testing. I’ll never forget this particular moment. The tester raised cards with a picture and asked me to name objects. I saw a small box with a screen and button grid. “Cell-a-phone,” I spoke with certainty. 

I felt frustrated, then, when the card-holder asked me to repeat, insisting I was wrong. Finally, I said “cell phone” as she said, not, “cell-a-phone.” But I didn’t understand. Later, I later, that phonics person was correct. So I felt betrayed by my mother, who taught me wrong. 

Mother read aloud to me, while I was in kindergarten and first grade. She sometimes pronounced words differently than I heard at school. I felt grumpy wondering, who could I trust? Elementary school or Mom?

As I later learned in high school and came to understand after Mother’s death, her career as an English professor let her to immigrate to America from China. So, teaching English surely mattered to her personally. She taught her second language to me to learn my first.

My Pronunciation Improved

From late middle school into high school, I wore braces. I realized my speaking problems associated with my teeth. After braces, sounds like /s/ and /th/ became easier. I recalled that elementary school tutor had drilled me on those sounds, plus /sh/, /ch/ and /j/.

At university, while singing four years in choir, I learned to articulate to help convey emotion in music. Similarly, I realized articulation helped convey emotion in speeches to bring clarity. These took vocal warm-ups, as we did in my senior storytelling course.

But, in China last summer, I learned my Chinese pronunciation was terrible. I started new regimens, like using only audio recordings to communicate instead of writing messages. I also learned to listen for exactly the right sounds. And despite my poor tonal pronunciation, instructors commended my listening. I could transcribe the right pīnyīn, for even unfamiliar words. 

As a Chinese instructor now, though I, too, at times struggle to pronounce words from memory, I can recognize almost at once when I hear an off sound. For, I know how it should sound. My Chinese-instructing colleagues even notice I speak alright. I’ve come a long way.

Instructing English With Compassion

These memories lead to why, when I teach pronunciation, I give the benefit of the doubt that students aren’t trying to mumble, even when they seem to. I focus on asking students to speak louder and move their lips more. I focus on visual articulation, too, so I can see how they form sounds.

One of my university colleagues specializes in pronunciation and amazes me by how well she knows the phonetic alphabet. When I clarify pronunciations for her, she notes in phonetic letters. We bleat about English’s inconsistent phonetics sometimes, haha. 

Yet, learning phonetics helps me plenty. When I catch multiple students speaking the same error, I write a series of words to course-correct. For examples, to drill, “brown,” I might write, “crown, round, down.” Or, to drill, “orange,” I might write, “or, door, floor.” I link troublesome vowels to familiar ones. 

Curiously, the Mongolian language lacks the /ə/ sound, one I often spell as “uh.” I first noticed the missing sound while teaching Chinese, when my students struggled to pronounce the most basic question, “什��？(Shénme?).” It has /ə/ (or /uh/) in its second character. Thus, students misprounounced “么 /muh/” as /meh/, instead. This Mongolian lack of /ə/ makes authentic pronunciation of basic English words like articles “the” and “a” challenging. 

Still, my fixation on pronunciation has its fun. Apparently this trickles into my Mongolian! Lately, I find my students gleefully giggle with amazement when, as we might be walking and chatting together, they hear me slip briefly into Mongolian to say passing pleasantries to employees or locals I know speak no English. My students often insist I sound authentic and beautiful. And I assume there’s hyperbole in those. But my colleagues, too, have said I’ve improved. They’ve no doubt I’ll speak wonderfully by this time next year. More on this at the end.

Pets! Kitten and Puppy

During my Peace Corps service I watched in the capital, Ерөө /Yeröö/, the kitten of one Volunteer, and in my current city, Azzy, the puppy of another. I saw myself in those pets. 

I mentioned we Peace Corps Volunteers played, “The Shining,” for Halloween. As the film began, we Volunteers exchanged smirks when the mountain lodge’s owner explained concerns about fears of isolation during the harsh, trying winters. We sat through such talks about choosing to serve in Mongolia. But the film’s symbolism, about confronting our psyches in the mirror of isolation, felt fitting to me. 

Many Mongolians fear dogs. Dogs are protectors not companions, for many. In the States, even my mother feared dogs. In fact, we had two pet dogs. I feared them a bit, too. When my parents went walking with my siblings and I, neighbors’ dogs would run up beside the road and yap at us. But Dad would always laugh and yap back, teasing Mom about how they just wanted to play. I remembered those walks even throughout college, when I strolled neighborhoods and heard barking. They gave me peace. And whenever I visited friends’ houses, their dogs most always loved me for reasons I never knew.

Azzy the puppy he would weave around my legs or leap up and cling to me momentarily, when I visited to feed him. He seemed so lonely without me. Then he would hop down, zoom around at my feet and scamper to a corner of the room. He freaked out over the simplest things, too, haha. But one morning, after his owner had come back, while I was walking into the city, Azzy zoomed to me and accompanied me from the area where we live, all the way downtown. I felt surprised, though I appreciative.

Ерөө the kitten had fun darting about our hotel room, zooming with wide eyes at light speed to achieve nothing particular. And she would flick her paws at the jingling toy I dangled, while she lept from table to chair. And, when I was journaling a little, Ерөө would hop on the bed, then leap to the desk and plop on my arm. I would pick the kitten up by her middle and set her on the floor, then she would zoom back to me again. I loved her energy, even if she seemed a little too hyper, hehe.

The pets were ecstatic for me to visit. I considered my own longings for companionship. But pets are relationships that take responsibility. And I’m hardly certain I could commit. Still, maybe because I accept others, they come. Maybe that’s all there is to it. They don’t just want love. They want to love. How sweet.

I’m glad our Peace Corps Mongolia director allows pets. They let my energetic soul see itself in the crazy creatures. Such joys, even for the effort!

All Saints’ and All Souls’ Days

The second and third day after Hallowe’en, in the Catholic tradition, celebrate first, “All Hallows,” the Saints and holy ones, living and had lived. Then we celebrate, “All Souls,” all who have passed away. The triduum has always been difficult for me the past three years, since they inevitably return to mind my loneliness since Mom’s death. 

But this year was kind, for people asked me how I was doing when they greeted me. I also remembered to pray for my friends who’d lost close family. In my suffering, I remember my chance to heal others. At Mass on the last day, while others lit incense sticks for relatives, I lit one for Mother. I burned my finger. But I liked the sting. It reminded me I live. Hearing the readings of how we’re always surrounded by the saints and how the teachings assure that none of us can compare this life to the next, I felt consoled, these holy days. By the end, I’d attended Mass five days in a row! Woah.

Nowadays’ Love

I like the compliments from colleagues, students and friends that my Mongolian pronunciation’s rather good. And I know it can still be better. But they gives me great hope. My students can improve, as I have.

In our Toastmasters Club, I’ve been assigned weekly as Grammarian, tasked with correcting pronunciation for all speakers. They’re so grateful I come, and I’m so glad to help. 

I recently spoke on the topic of how I chose this English teaching profession, while chatting with my senior students to prepare them for their TOEFL exams.

I recounted how Mother was an English professor and her parents were both secondary school Chinese language teachers. And it struck me how I teach both English and Chinese at both university and secondary school levels. I teach everything those two generations before me had done.

Whether children from Номгон, adults from our community speaking clubs, or new friends from the orphanage, I love the little messages I get from locals striving to improve their English. And, sometimes, those many Mongolians striving in their English remind me of Mom. She always strove. Even before I became an English instructor like her, I helped her. Maybe that’s why I aid anyone trying in English, always. They’re her.

 Up Next: Thanksgiving and the Orphanage

I am extremely excited to share with you my next story, for it’s about the orphanage. I adore its community. Our children and teachers touch my soul.

As for the puppy, it’ll be a shame to say goodbye when he moves to the capital by Thanksgiving. But perhaps I’ll see him again when I visit the city sometimes! 

Meanwhile, check my Instagram at memoryLang and Facebook for this year’s Thanksgiving novena of photos and memories bridging my summer life to today’s.

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :) 

[cecilspeaks]

141 - Save Dark Owl Records

The prison of your own mind is undergoing budget cuts.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Today I’d like to open the show with a statement from a local business owner, Michelle Nguyen.

Michelle: An insidious presence has invaded our town. That presence is located in the Night Vale mall and is called the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. I’ve seen you shopping there, Night Vale, and I want you to know you’re all murderers with the figurative blood of independent record stores dripping from your hands. “No, no” you’ll say, “that isn’t figurative blood, it’s literal barbecue sauce from the Black Angus barbeque bacon burger and it’s delicious!” You’ll keep blathering on how about “Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express keeps thick juicy beef burgers layered in between your albums, so you can flip past them and impulse eat as you shop. It’s so convenient!” [angrily] Well you know what? Convenience is another words for laziness. When you come to my store, to Dark Owl Records, you have to earn your music! Our extensive underground section is kept literally underground, and you have to dig random holes in the dirt to find it. We don’t provide you with a shovel, you can’t even bring your own. You must use your fingers. Broken knuckles and fingernails peeled back to the quick are the sign of a true music lover. Sometimes, you won’t find music you think you like, but then you realize that the rhythmic grunts and scrapes of bloodied hands into rocky earth is itself music.

Anyway, come to my fundraiser tonight at Dark Owl Records. It’s a party, and parties are the worst, but I don’t have the money to pay my bills anymore and it’s your fault, so just show up and do the right thing, or I’ll go out of business. Ok, thanks!

Cecil: Thank you, Michelle. Our radio station is doing a remote broadcast live today at the Save Dark Owl fundraiser. We’ll do some interviews and there’ll be live bands, and it should be a lot of fun. Hope you see you down here, Night Vale! Come show your support for local small business.

But first, a word from our sponsor. Today’s program is brought to you by the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. The popular franchise mashup had its grand opening only three weeks ago and is already a booming success. From their regional frosty treats, like the cactus thorn malt, to their wide selection of best of complication albums. There’s something for everyone at Food Barn Gladtown Records Express. And by popular demand, there’s now extra fry sauce on everything, including the Bluetooth headphones. You don’t even have to ask for it. You have to ask if you don’t want fry sauce, and you have to give a good reason why not, like uh, a signed doctor’s note. Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. Your community entertainment culture conglomerate.

And now, a public service announcement.

Deb: Hey old friends! Corporeal humans, cor-corporeal humans, former babies, future corpses, this is Deb, a sentient patch of haze, speaking for the department of motor vehicles. We know you haven’t heard from us in a while. But [blows raspberry] we haven’t heard from you either. Relationships are a, [clicks tongue] two-way street, so to speak. But [hiccups], I know there’s been some tension and things have gotten a little weird between us. No need to get into that right now. Or ever again, as far as we’re concerned. But if you wanna come over some time and just talk, just say hi or anything, then the department of motor vehicles will be opening our doors for one hour every weekday between 2 and 3. That’s all we have to give emotionally right now. Self..care. We would like to see you again though just to [emotionally] hear your voice. We hope you’ve been doing well. [hiccups] We’re a little drunk, and it’s late. Man, we just got done watching Carol for the third time in a week. [angrily] And you haven’t really been posting on social media lately, so we just wanna know what’s going on with you. [drinking noises] Again, no pressure, no strings attached, and if it gets crowded you could always take a number as usual. But the DMV wants you to know whether your number 19 or 99, you’re always number 1 to us! [snorts] [cries] We, we miss you. We miss you.

Cecil: Listeners, we’re here live at Dark Owl Records, and the fundraiser is getting off to a great start! People are buying shards of records they dug out of the ground, there’s a cake with thick black frosting and undulating tendrils. Mm, looks delicious! There’s an effigy of the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express with a lot of long pins sticking out of it. And at the center of all the excitement is Dark Owl owner herself, Michelle Nguyen, and her girlfriend Maureen. What a treat! Hey you two, wanna say hello to all of Night Vale? Ah that’s weird. Uh, Michelle sent me a text right now while simultaneously staring unblinkingly into my eyes from three feet away. Uh, her text says: “We heard the spot you did for Burger Barn Gladtown Rec Ex and we are not speaking to you at this time. Please leave my party, Cecil.” Oh I get it, oh no, this is a, a simple misunderstanding, Michelle. See, in radio journalism, we have a moral responsibility to play ads and make lots of money. I see where you’re confused. Does that help clear things up? Aaand Maureen is pouring ice coffee all over my laptop. I’ll go find a towel, while you go to the weather.

[A Pale Sun Rises Over New York" by Scrawnyman, https://scrawnyman.bandcamp.com]

Michelle: Hey, this is Michelle. Cecil had to go away, but there was a hastily assumed agreement I would take over the show while he’s gone, so here I am, Michelle. Broadcasting live from my own party, which is better than mingling with people and being all social and stuff, right? Uh, no offense to anyone who’s here, but this is the first party I’ve ever agreed to attend and it was only out of desperation. I mean, all parties are born out of some form of desperation. Ugh, parties are the worst! I wish everyone would go home. No, no, don’t go home, it’s so nice that you’re here… I guess. But you know what else is nice? Being alone. Or mostly alone. That’s really what independent record stores stand for, you know? Individuality, independence, isolation. Don’t follow the herd, go home, be alone. It’s the best. 

Oh shoot, I was afraid something like this would happen. I mean, everything’s fine, there’s just a little situation out back. I’m gonna hand the mic over to Maureen while I deal with this.

Maureen: Um, hello? Hey, uh, this is Maureen. Don’t be scared or anything. A-actually be scared, but not about what I’m going to tell you. So what happened is some people were digging in the underground music section and the ground kind of split apart and now there’s a giant, like arthropod thing. Uh, it’s tearing people’s limbs off and whatever. Seems really mad and people are screaming, there’s like a lot of blood, blood is so stupid. But Michelle has it under control now. She’s kicked out everyone but the spider crustacean thing, because it was the only one who wasn’t being fake about its love of music. So yeah um, come on down to the store. Uh remember: we’re here to save Dark Owl! And even though the biggest section is the not for sale rack, there’s still a lot of great things to choose from. I know that some of the best things I’ve ever found have been here. Michelle, for one. Uh, don’t tell her I said that.

Also earlier today, I was crawling around inside the ventilation system, and I thought it would be really narrow and claustrophobic like air closed shafts usually are, but actually it kept growing wider and taller until I could stand up and walk around. I could even run if I wanted to. The ducts and passageways unfolded in front of me and I felt totally lost, but in a good way. I ran and ran and somewhere along the way I lost my flashlight and it didn’t matter. I could see with a sense other than vision, maybe it was taste. Ductways tasted like an everything bagel, and that guided my way. Then I could taste voices outside the vents. A voice I knew well was talking to a customer about a color limited edition single of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” on one side and “Love Will Keep Us Together” on the other. The record’s cover art depicted the eruption of Mount St Helens, but like a year before it actually happened, which makes it super valuable. I followed the taste of their voices, which was like green apples but the artificial candy flavor version, and I ended up in the obsolete media bunker behind the register, where I lay down on a pile of warm Sheena Easton singles and CD-roms filled with corrupted Limewire files. And that’s where I am now. Aand I’m gonna take a nap. Bye! [snoring]

Michelle: Hey Night Vale, I’m back. It’s all under control now. Sorry, I have kind of a contentious relationship with my neighbor Matt. He’s a 15-foot coconut crab that lives underneath the lot behind our store. We usually get along OK, but he really does not like parties, and I should have told him in advance, but I was busy and totally forgot, so my bad. Anyway, I let Matt eat the patrons who were wearing airpods and he was happy, so the party is still going strong. Most of the people are dead or have been kicked out, but I wanna make it clear that the party is still happening. So come on down to Dark Owl Records and save our store! Honestly, things are so much better now that everyone’s gone, so this is really the perfect time to show up. We have some special listening stations where you can browse all your favorite genres, like silence, post-silence, proto-silence, under-silence… I know you guys might not have heard of under-silence yet, but that’s like when the headphones are projecting what’s inside of you back into your own ears and you can hear your internal organs processing blood and fluids, and you’re filled with the awe of how all these seemingly archaic gooey parts can possibly work together to keep you alive and functioning, and you eventually pass out and/or vomit.

[sighs] I really don’t know what I’ll do if I have to leave this place. I’ve spent so much time here, I don’t even remember where my house is. One night after work, I walked down the street I thought it was on, but nothing looked familiar. And I kept walking for hours. I finally saw my house, but when I walked in, the door opened into the kitchen instead of the living room, and there was this family I’d never seen before eating dinner. There were four large serving bowls of mashed root vegetables on the table. The family didn’t notice me at all, they ate their mush and talked about their days. The mom was worried about the new boss at work, and the son forgot to go to his dentist appointment, and the daughter had a chemistry test that went okay. I didn’t want to freak them out, so I et myself out the back door and kept walking until it as morning. And in the cacophonous creak of dawn, I ended up back at Dark Owl just in time to open for the new day. And it didn’t matter, you know, that I couldn’t find my house because –

Wait, what’s this? An empty-eyed courier child just handed me an envelope. There’s a, there’s a check inside, and it’ a coupon for something called the “100 percent fish hot dog”, and a hand written note. It says, “Hello, my name is Jules, and I’m the franchise owner at the new Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. Here is the rest of the money for your fundraising goal. When you become a franchise owner like me, you’ll think to yourself, ‘oh cool I’m an entrepreneur now, I’m going to be my own boss. I’m finally going to have agency in my life, you know?’ At least that’s what I thought when I filled out he online personality test that told me I had what it takes. I’m a type 23: outgoing but grounded. I’m detail-oriented but I can also see the big picture. I’m competitive, but I follow the rules. Classic type 23.” The note goes on. “But there are so many rules, Michelle. You have to conform when you’re in a franchise. And if you don’t, you’ll go under. Not merely monetarily, but to this place they refer to only as the cavern. If you end up there, you don’t ever come out again. Anyway, one rule is that we need at least one business competitor to remain open at all times. Until our lobbyists overturn the Sherman anti-trust act, we need Dark Owl Records to stay in business. So please take this money. I don’t wanna go to the cavern. Please, Michelle. Sincerely, Jules.”

OK, not sure how to deal with this right now if I’m honest. This person opened up a rival record franchise, and now they wanna give me money from their corporation to stay in business? I dunno. I need to go soul searching. I need to listen to some ambient room tone tracks used under famous movie scenes. I really like the one from the diner in “When Harry Met Sally”. Whatever, I guess. [steps, door closes]

[steps] Cecil: Night Vale, I’m so sorry I left you. I went to get a towel to clean up the spilled ice coffee, and there was this giant spider lobster thing, he-he cornered me and I couldn’t escape. He just kept talking and talking and god, he was boring! The worst person to run into at a party. I didn’t know how to get out of the conversation without being rude, uh I finally said I’d go grab us both a slice of cake and sidled out of there. I hope everything went OK while I was gone. Let’s see. Oh, there’s no one really left. The radio gear has been abandoned except a sleeping Maureen under my chair. There’s an inordinate amount of blood on the floor, and hey looks like the little cardboard thermometer that shows the fundraising goal has been fully colored in! Wow! We did it Night Vale! I guess that means there’s enough money to keep Dark Owl in business, at least through this month’s bills. That’s the thing about bills, they keep happening.

Well, whatever the future holds, the party was clearly a success. As was this ultra fun remote broadcast. So music lovers, kick back, put on your fry sauce-dosed headphones, listen to your newly purchased album shards, and put some vitamin E cream on those knuckles! Stay tuned next for the cla-cla-clack of CD cases being browsed, like a fluttery little heartbeat in the darkness.

Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: A good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles”, so who knows?

[helloresumeme-blog]

It is no secret that bullying and social issues are problematic, at school, on social media, at home and in the workplace.

So why does it happen and how do you deal with it?

The workplace is like our second home, so we should respect it and those in it.

So why is it that people in the workplace are so mean?

It is no secret that bullying and social issue are problematic, at school, on social media, at home and in the workplace.

Given we spend so many hours of our life in our work space, we not only need social interaction to survive, we also need to be happy and to feel valued. When we experience social issues like bullying and exclusion for an extended time, this can lead to complex mental health issues amongst other things.

When you are placed in a work space, you don’t get to choose who you work with. So, you are spending almost 40 hours a week with people who you have to co-operate with.

There are varying reasons for why people at work can be mean, and underlying issues to explain their behaviour.

STAFF IN THE WORKPLACE

Social Comparison.

Cliques.

Territory.

Personality clash.

Many years ago, when I was 16 years old, I attended a school that catered to both adults and adolescents. I was enrolled into the adult section, repeating year 11. There was a 21 year old girl, who learned that I was working at her local Woolworths on the register. For reasons unknown to me, she would regularly come in and taunt me.

As a teen, I assumed that when you become an adult, you mature. But this is not our reality.

_____________________________

SOCIAL COMPARISON

According to Psychologist Leon Festinger.“

Human beings have the drive to assess their opinions and to know more about their abilities and when they are incapable of evaluating their opinions and abilities, they tend to compare themselves with others.

Active downward comparison happens when a person compares himself with others by demeaning or causing harm to them. By derogating the target or causing harm to him, this person generates a situation in which the target is worse off than him, therefore giving him the chance to make a downward comparison.”

When someone says something cruel to bring another person down, their ultimate goal is to make that person feel insecure.

For the girl who would taunt me, she had decided that there was something about me that threatened her. She had her own insecurities to battle with, so it made her feel better believing she could break me down.

And in case you are wondering, it did not work.

Eventually, she gave up.

_____________________________

In the working environment, we have a lot to prove. When you look around, you see people doing things with what seems to be

‘complete ease.’

For example, a girl I used to work with was an extremely fast typer, so she was able to complete her admin work much faster than I. People have skills and qualities that you don��t have, but vice versa. So, what happens is, we tend to compare. And for some people, this can feel threatening.

When we compare, we do 1 of 3 things.

Accept that they have something we don’t and focus on our own skills.

Be inspired and try to improve upon that skill.

Resent them for having something we don’t.

Question

: What do you do when you can see someone else is progressing further along than you because they are stronger in this skill?

I want to leave you with something on this particular point. When my son and niece were both about 4 years old, my sister and I took them to a mums and Bubs music group.

As we were playing a game where a child would get chosen to “hold the puppets”, my niece desperately wanted to be chosen but wasn't. I saw my sister quietly say to her, “when someone else gets chosen, you should cheer them on”. Her message here was...

"Build others up and celebrate their successes as they happen."

_____________________________

CLIQUES

A clique is a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them.

To feel included and a part of something, requires social interaction.

A social group

is formed by fellow colleagues chatting in the workplace and everyone is welcome to join.

A clique

is a group of people who stick to that group and rarely, others receive invites or acknowledgement from those within the clique.

Usually, there is a leader and how this leader thinks and behaves will potentially influence the others in the clique. So, if the leader is somewhat of a mean girl, the others will generally follow.

The problem with cliques are, for those who are not in them may experience exclusion and isolation, and maybe some workplace bullying.

So what happens when the leader is your manager?

_________________________

Horrible bosses much?

I once witnessed a manager telling her team about a staff member who had called in sick. Our manager didn't believe the employee’s reason and discussed this opinion with her team, giving the girl a bad reputation.

Heres a thought, If she had said nothing, people within the team probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

Managers are to manage the team as a whole and individually. So when it comes to personal matters, this should stay between the manager and the individual. This was the moment where I lost confidence and trust in her.

My point here is, my manager was the leader of this clique and those who were not a part of it were gossiped about and spoken down to.

_________________________

So how do you manage people like this?

The issue is their behaviour and beliefs, not them as people.  Although it can be really hard to, separating the 2, may help you navigate this much more easily.

Another consideration is to not always assume the worst. Expect that people will let you down, but don’t assume they will.

Option #1

Why not try getting to know them individually. Separating one from the herd can open doors for change.

Option #2 

Step up and ask why they behave this way. Put them on the spot. Even if it’s your boss. Why this works is because they won't be expecting it. The element of surprise is quite effective.

Option #3 

Take it to the boss. They have a responsibility to ensure each staff member is treated with respect. Even if your boss is close friends with them, do it anyway. They are your boss first and foremost.

_________________________

TERRITORY

Those who welcome others are true role models.

I have a Labrador, she is very playful and great with kids and other dogs. I wanted to take her to my friends place, but decided against it because she has a Rottweiler, who is very territorial.

When we feel secure in a space, it can be confronting and intimidating to have someone else come into that space. I am not saying we are like dogs, but I am saying, there are some emotional and protective similarities.

With kids, its their toys or bedroom. With adults, it’s our work space or home. We like familiarity, and something unfamiliar can make us feel uncomfortable. Some people have the ability to embrace this, but others don’t.

So, when a new staff member enters a workplace, certain people may respond in a negative way toward that person. They may need for others to gain their trust before they let their guard down. This type of person is very territorial. They earned their place there and expect, like a rookie, others should to.

_________________________

So how do you manage people like this?

I believe it is important to allow them the time to get to know you. Don’t hold it against them that this is how they deal with change. Be exactly who you are and do your job well. Focus on your work and learning the ropes. Eventually, by doing this, you will potentially gain their trust and be accepted into friendship with them.

_________________________

PERSONALITY CLASH

Sometimes, it is simply because they just don’t like you. We can't be liked by everyone, even though it does seem as though there are people out there who are loved by all, this is not possible.

We all have annoying traits, and some more than others, so when people are irritated but someone, they may tend to be pretty obvious about this.

A close friend of mine, Hayley, has a very outgoing personality, a great sense of humour, beautiful heart and is very loud. She never hides who she is, so when you meet her, you know exactly who you are getting to know.

She worked with a girl who would say nasty things to her, not because Hayley had done anything in particular to intentionally upset her, but simply because she didn't like how loud she was.

_________________________

Why did this bother her so much?

I believe there was an element of envy here. When someone is drawing attention to themselves, others are likely to stay in the shadows. Also, it can be tough for someone who is introverted to be spontaneous and outgoing. These people may need to do some soul searching.

At the end of the day, we don’t change our personalities so as everyone likes us, we be who we are and if people can't accept this, then tough bickies, that's on them.

_________________________

So how do you manage people like this?

Honestly, you don’t. You can't change other people, but you can only control how you respond. Continue being who you are, so long as you are doing it with integrity. So, if you are loud, that's okay, but don’t do it so as to annoy that person. If you are talkative, don’t antagonise them by talking to them a lot. Say hello and make small talk, but keep it to the minimum.

Showing kindness despite whether or not someone likes you is the best approach. You are then not giving them reason not to like you.

_________________________

Why are bosses mean?

HORRIBLE BOSSES 

Lack of self awareness.

Denial & Culture.

Stress.

Misunderstanding.

Power.

_____________________________

LACK OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional intelligence is a combination of self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skill.

As leaders, It is our responsibility to set an example. When we behave badly, we are setting a tone for our team that certain behaviours are acceptable. So, the second I see my manager gossiping with their staff about other staff, or humiliating them in front of others, I instantly lose a level of trust and respect for them.

When I was working for a medical clinic many moons ago, The office practice manager was renowned for her gossip in the workplace across her team. Every staff member knew and expected no less from her.

One day, a colleague took offence to something I had said which was in no way intended to upset her. A patient had a voicemail left by someone from our clinic and when I listened to it, I recognised my colleagues’ voice. The patient did not understand why this message had been left as it only requested for her to call back.

So, I asked my colleague what she was needing to talk to them about. She became angry with me accusing me of being wrong. I explained that I had heard her voice on the message service and that the patient was on the phone waiting to speak with her as requested.

She raised her voice at me and behaved quite irrational, saying that it is not possible for me to know it is her. Clearly, I had struck a nerve. I decided to end the conversation and advised the patient it must have been an error.

A day later, our practice manager approached me about the matter. What I found to be odd was her message behind what she said. She was talking to me about conflict in the workplace.

I found this to be quite ironic, mainly because she was in no way an example of someone who had an ability to resolve conflict or nurture healthy relationships with those around her.

The point I am making here is, when Managers behave poorly, it makes it very hard for their staff to see them as a leader. Nothing she said resinated with me because my focus was on her hypocrisy.

My boss lacked all of the qualities that made up emotional intelligence. She didn't realise that many staff submitted to her out of intimidation, or that her team perceived her as a dishonest and disloyal manager.

Is your manager actually being mean by gossiping about you or publicly humiliating you by pointing out a mistake you made?

YES! Let’s turn the question around. Is it nice to spread gossip about someone? Is it nice to belittle someone in public?

_________________________

So how do you manage a manager who behaves this way? If I had my time again, I would do this.

Sit them down and let them know that what they are doing is not something you will accept. You are an individual who has a right to feel empowered in the workplace and free from bullying and slander.

If you are worried about making your work environment harder for yourself, then ask yourself, is it not hard already? Would you see yourself staying for the next 5–10 years being treated this way?

By standing up for yourself you could potentially make things better, maybe there could be a future for you there.

If you are worried about losing your job, and you decide not to address the issue because of this, then it may be worth looking for another job. In saying this, consider that it could be the same in the next joint. You can't predict this, neither can you predict whether or not good can come from addressing the issue where you currently are.

You may save yourself a lot of time and energy searching for a new job simply by giving it a crack and fronting up to your manager.

_________________________

DENIAL & CULTURE

Respect is never gained by pushing others around.

When I was 18 years old, I was working at a Gloria Jeans Cafe in Brisbane. The Manager there would yell and swear at her staff, me included.

She even received a complaint from a customer saying she frightened her and will never return again.

One day at work, I had just topped up the beans, both the normal and decaf. My manager didn't trust that I had done it correctly, so she took a handful of each and put her hands out in front of me. She then asked me which was which.

Now, this may seem like a normal and calm situation, but it wasn't. She was angry. I found this quite intimidating and therefore was unable to think clearly. So, I just kept staring at her hands. Finally someone outside the situation stepped in and answered the question. This ended it for me.

This form of behaviour is actually quite common across many work places. The biggest issue is that yelling and swearing in the workplace is not illegal, so unless Human Resources resolve the issue, there are not too many options available.

Did you know these behaviours have names?

Bullying, emotional abuse, psychological torture, verbal abuse in the workplace.

So, why do bosses behave this way?

I recall my manager saying to me one day that her bosses treated her this way when they managed the store. So, was this her way of excusing her behaviour and making it okay?

I believe she recognised that it was wrong, but I also believe she didn't know how not to do it. So, it was easier for her to live in denial and find excuses to make it acceptable.

The trouble is, her team one by one quit. Many of her staff were young girls who would tense up at the sound of her voice being raised. They would silently and subtly cry hoping she wouldn’t notice.

_________________________

STRESS

Work-related mental health conditions AKA psychological injuries, have become a major concern in Australian workplaces.

How much can one person really take on?

I have seen managers makes so many mistakes and absolutely lose it, simply because they are under a lot of pressure.

If your manager is under a lot of pressure and they are behaving terribly because of this, maybe it’s worth gently letting them know. I would not recommend talking to their superior about it unless you have already tried to address it with your direct manager and they were unwilling to listen.

It is not just you at risk, it is your manager, the company and the team who suffers.

Why it’s important to go to your manager first is, they may be the kindest person in the world when not stressed. They may just need to have it pointed out to them the impact on the team.

They may not be aware of the extent of the problem, or they may even have things going on in their personal life in addition. Who knows if your boss just had their husband or wife leave them that morning.

I am not saying their behaviour is acceptable, but there is a way around addressing it by bringing the issues to light and supporting them at the same time.

Sometimes managers too, need support. Yes, they are our leaders, but they are human beings who rarely get the recognition they deserve. In fact, they are more likely to be criticised than complimented.

_________________________

MISUNDERSTANDING

To be slow to react takes strength and wisdom.

Misunderstandings happen all the time, I would even be inclined to say nearly on the daily. The biggest issue with misunderstandings is, sometimes there are no opportunities to clear them up. Like a misunderstanding with a stranger who you never see again.

They can also lead to major problems, like mistakes at work or office conflict that never gets resolved.

When I began working for a company many years ago, my manager failed to train me on certain things. She ran the show quite differently to other managers. 6 months later, I was transferred to another site, and my new manager noticed that I didn't know as much as I should have.

I copped a lot of flack from her and other staff until finally, we had conversation that helped her realise I had not been told or taught certain things.

This was a defining moment for both of us. Not only did it improve our relationship but it also improved our work life. By learning this, she began to teach me things I didn't know and found that I was actually a pretty good employee. But had she not learned the underlying issue, I would have eventually left.

If you notice your boss is behaving unkind or frustrated toward you, maybe just ask them why. Who knows what information might come to light.

_________________________

POWER

Power is to be used for good, not evil.

I am going to share a little story again, this one i’ll never forget. Earlier I mentioned I was working at a Gloria Jeans Cafe. The Manager set the tone for the Shift Supervisors that they can behave just as poorly.

One shift supervisor, Hannah, was regularly on a power trip. Her issue was that she not only gained no respect from the team but she positioned herself in a place only to be made fun of.

It was getting late in the day and Hannah was checking in that everything was being completed for closing, so she turned to the team and yelled “That dishwasher had better be down by 3pm, OR ELSE!”

Now, if this had have been a big brawly man with a powerful voice, maybe the intimidation tactic may have worked. But not for Hannah.

My colleague Taylor responded with, “Or what Hannah, what are you going to do?”. Of course, the entire team burst out in laughter at poor Hannahs expense. Let’s face it though, she kind of asked for this.

My last manager on the other hand did use his

power and intimidation

to influence his staff to ‘

perform

’. The secret about people who try to use ‘

power & intimidation

’ as a means to getting results, they need to be challenged. Submitting to them is only reinforcing their behaviour.

I rang my boss one day and told him that I didn't appreciate something he had done, to my surprise, he accepted my request to change that behaviour. The issue still was, that although he changed toward me, he continued to behave poorly toward other staff. All but 2 staff eventually quit.

When it comes to finding a solution, I recommend trying to resolve the matter with the person rather than going straight above them. Give them an opportunity to work through it with you rather than making a complaint.

_________________________

Here are 15 steps you could follow to help you determine how to identify underlying issues and how to best approach someone or a group of people in the workplace.

Consider the motivation behind their behaviour.

How is this behaviour impacting on you and your ability to work?

What about their behaviour would you like to see changed?

If they were to make the changes, how could they go about this?

Do you feel comfortable talking to them about the issue?

If you do feel confident having a chat with them, ask them to meet with you for a coffee.

If not, maybe consider asking a third party to be present so you are able to.

Let them know that their behaviour is having an impact on you and your work and ask them why they are doing this.

Whether or not they respond with an answer, remind them that it is impacting you and let them know what you would like to see changed.

Then ask them if they feel this is a reasonable request.

If they disagree, let them know that it’s an expectation of yours to see something change. Ask them what they feel may be more reasonable.

If they can't give you anything. Then there is nothing more you should do here. Document it and take it to your superior or their superior.

If they respond well to your approach, then this is a great opportunity to build a new relationship with someone you possibly never thought you would.

NEVER try to approach more than 1 person at a time.

Make sure to document everything that happened in the conversation and the changes you both agreed to put in place.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

posts about things with absolutely no introduction but it's because i was reminded of the topic the other day

this one's for those of us in the lifelong isolation no friends society, i know sometimes there's other people out there!! anyways i've been thinking about how like, personally, obviously, b/c idk how other ppl do it b/c we aren't friends with each other lol, its just a fuckin wild thing to deal with in part cuz its one of those answers to which there's not necessarily any Right Way to handle things or Answer or Solution or anything. isolation p much = more isolation and plus not having friends makes ppl less likely to socialize with you so that's rough; anyways yknow, the point is just oops you can't Choose to like, obtain a friend. u can try to get ppl interested but you can't control it beyond that, so, yknow

anyways what am i getting to? yeah so i've never had close friends in that i was never able to share personally honest things anyways for the longest time for a couple reasons, and also, people just didn't like me. the double whammy of "oh no its abuse" and "oh no you're lowkey socially ostracized by your peers from preschool on without end" is like, good luck to little me getting friends! i had sort-of friends in like a couple ppl who'd hang out with me regularly and on occasion we'd go to each others houses or smthing but it wasnt able to be like, the normal fun event it should. oh well. middle school was a little better and a little worse but i didnt keep up w ppl cuz i went to a different school later and its that situation where you're friends-ish Because you're at the same school right...smh...didnt thrive in college magically, but one essential thing was i was away from home more often than not so, that was real important ultimately. but anyways in the end i had like a handful of college friends-ish (accepted by other friends groups lol) and theres a couple of them i still talk to now and again

so like, yknow, friends, mostly friendly acquaintances, my siblings i'd classify as friendly acquaintances, i'm very glad about all of them really. just unfortunately i've only just started to have friendships that are like a decade old and the "longtime close" friendship is nonexistent b/c college is just four years and then you go other places, and i'm not at the heart of friend groups and not "good" at communication in other ways so its hard to keep in touch in ways. smh!!

funnily enough i'm also not good at internet stuff though it's been absolutely essential, god knows. that's why i'm able to talk to anyone rn!! but i can't do group chats and i only like approaching things "one on one" aka i don't like feeling like im in the midst of a group even outside group chats. if you get what i'm saying. like even back being in the small early mh fandom of like, three dozen ppl, in retrospect i didnt like having to be in the entire Group yknow. lemme just be over here. which is what i do now.

anyways for additional reasonsl, communicating has been trickier these past few years and for the most part its been kind of a situation where i wasn't necessarily going to get to talk to someone every day, though usually it'd maybe only be like, a gap of a day or two. and anyways, the thing is that, over the past ten years especially its started to be Distressing like wanting friends, not as much having them, and also having it be more obvious that there was some kind of deficiency keeping me from having (and having had) friends like other people did. not fun! but what i'm getting around to here, whats been wild, is just this like, decade-ish (or two decade-ish if you want) Personal Effort to just figure out how the fuck to stop having to feel like shit about it all the time right? then you're lonely AND stressed and probably self loathing also

so like yeah, the thing is that the other day something was going on about like, yknow, the idea of the longtime close friend with a steadfast presence in your life, and that's just always like, lfjdglmao what!!! sounds nice. i had a friend for a week in second grade and im not sure we ever spoke and then the teacher made us sit on opposite sides of the classroom and it was too embarrassing to be friends anymore. that's kinda close but lol for real......it's not only the lack of friends to tackle but also like, i don't assume to have friends in the future. it's something that like, i would obviously theoretically want, and be happy if it happened, but i can't say i hope for it, because that implies too much being expectant or whatever. and it's weird!! its a weird time just kind of presuming friendlessness until otherwise occurs. and it's not great, i'm definitely still unhappy about all this shit. its just that i've also like, been able to shave off how distressing the issue mightve been in earlier years yknow

like it sounds all depressing to say like, i've just had to be less emotionally invested in the whole thing, but it's kind of true. not by ignoring it or ignoring the feelings so much as like...just acknowledging that this is how it is and there's only so much i can do but not hating myself about it is a start. and yeah it's like "oh, feeling less, depressing" but also frankly when i decided also that its less horrible to be friendless than to feel stuck w crap ppl / ppl who you aren't too important to / etc, i figured that i'd also rather be friendless and just enjoy being myself than try to make myself easier to talk to. i'm not like intimidating or anything, i just can't hold a conversation. but i'm not very interested anymore in trying to convince ppl to like me, yknow, i'm out here, and if i'm ever going to have friends i'd like them to be people to like me For Who I Am, wipe tear. what i'm just saying is "a weird dumbass" b/c its just vague social weirdness that ppl don't necessarily like, loathe, but probably they'd rather talk to someone else. i'm not great at socializing stuff, like i said, hence social rejection since age 4

oh and i meant to say!! i've been able to turn up my emotions by turning down my investment in the idea of Needing To Always Be Trying To Make Friends b/c, as anyone might know, all i like to do is talk at great length about whatever weird, niche shit i'm into at any given point. and that's pretty much it. i'm not pretending to be deep by not really knowing how to do small talk. lmao you guys know what i'm talking about. and obviously not everybody is into Getting Enthusiastic or super focused on whatever weird thing at any point, and i'm not Into getting my passion all fired up and being brushed off or anything, so we can all avoid each other, and i get to continue entertaining myself

so that's a way i've been able to turn my feelings up actually lol.....dunno how to segue into it so i won't but it's also just like, not saying that i Truly Don't Care about not having friends, or that it doesn't hurt that i've had this relative friendless past and the futures looking bleak, b/c it does!! it's still distressing. but like, its turned down. the whole general issue can be a very Bitter one for sure!!!! and it has been in the past sometimes and like.....it's still there basically, i've just been able to turn down the volume a lot on a bunch of these shit feelings like "that's upsetting" or "i'm bitter about that" and just kind of calmly let it simmer back down b/c i'm sort more familiarish with what sets it off and more familiar with Dealing With It Always overall

no idea if i've made the point i was setting out for there. dealing with the No Friends Isolation Life society life is not fun but we're out here, sometimes. it continues to be not fun. "oh well," is an often relevant sentiment. c'est la vie. c'est ce que c'est? i think. and i think it's nice that after years and years of just like, struggling to figure this shit out myself, and probably feeling like shit most of the time, i've at least managed to go "shh" at some Bad Feelings. definitely still there. but this time it doesn't heap extra shittiness on top b/c of having to deal with the intensity of it and feel bad about that too etc etc. it's all weird! getting more familiar with dealing with some shit which is just, the way that it is in part because of bad luck and of course i'm jealous of everybody who does have friends. but oh well. b/c c'est la vie. im also glad for everybody who has friends, obv. it's all complicated!! which is just part of why this post exists. it has no real point, i'm just kinda going like, weird, huh? and kind of good, and kind of a bummer. oh well

also im aware this is a suddenly long, technically depressing post at like circa midnight for a lot of people, but basically this is just me in normal mood. sometimes it's depressing posts time out of nowhere, but i'm not especially depressed!! nighttime is just more of my Peak Hours. night owl 4 life. thanks

oh and ps. another thing i would think about (with more distress in the past, and like, no distress now) is that its also funny cuz, one thing i’ve generally had to do is be aware that it’s a bigger deal for you (me) to get a new Friend than it is for them to be getting you as a friend, b/c math says so. and so i’ve had to push myself to not be overly hopeful or invested in order to be both fair to them and myself. and nowadays that’s just kind of how i view the no-friends-ness of it all, like. i’m not mad that i’m not for some reason way closer to anybody i know. why would i be. and i don’t expect anybody to think like “oh my god we have to be Good Friends” because like. not in a self deprecating way but like, why would any random person want that. and i dont expect to be better friends with ppl im just casual friends with, which is great, cus like Friendly Acquaintances and other lite friendships are fantastic and im very grateful. but i am aware there’s plenty of reasons making it difficult to just like, pick up a Close Buddy and i’m not like “oh i demand one from somewhere, from some reason.” so what i am trying to say is that keeping my expectations honestly realistic is an effort to be fair to both other ppl and myself and i think it works. no friends!! we out here!!!!

[youswiminmywater]

checking out

for the better part of my twenties, i’ve been wrestling a lot with this concept of checking out. not playing the game, never winning, never losing. not joining the rat race. in a way, it’s almost been my mantra, like my motivation for a lot of the decisions i make. and i don’t really know how i feel about it, you know, whether it’s the right way to live life, or whether it will lead anywhere. it definitely insulates me from a lot of suffering, sure. it’s also incredibly isolating, just by the nature of what it is.

what the heck am i talking about anyway? it’s kind of a combination of a lot of things. i’ve been having conversations with my roommate, mostly swapping old stories, that have dug up a lot of who i used to be and why i am the way i am today. like (and i’m not sure how many people know this about me) i used to be kind of sexually rampant online throughout all of my teens, and a good chunk of my twenties. i was soliciting for cybersex, making lewd videos, swapping photos, writing and wooing and trying my hardest to try and impress girls, steal their attention away from other guys, yada yada. i often felt pretty guilty too, like for whatever reason, i was terrified of using people for my own pleasure, even if we were on the same page and they were in it for the same reasons i was. so i made a conscious effort to like, never hit and quit, smash and dash, whatever, i always tried to stick around after my coomer brain switched off and take an interest in the person i had just fucked around with. it was like, my way of making it okay, eliminating guilt. it didn’t always work, like oftentimes i would still dash eventually, especially because people who do that kind of stuff have a tendency to get attached to each other, and that really terrified me. but i did make a few fickle friends, people i was never on bad terms with and just sort of drifted from. 

but it was still an exhausting cycle; it felt like something approaching compulsion and i was just building up a small reserve of guilt and self-loathing through the years. not just from the people i rejected, but from the people i reached out to and never got a response from. i know like, when they teach how to approach women, they emphasize not to fear rejection, but rejection DOES prick something after a while. not necessarily a “why am i not good enough?” but sometimes a “why do i want to be good enough?” why am i doing it in the first place, chasing girls and competing and trying to dig out my own niche in the animal kingdom? it just felt sometimes like i was trying to evaluate my own worth based on where i could manage to land when i tried to court people.

this kind of bleeds over into my whole dating life, but i won’t really get into that. i checked out there too. i don’t ask people out anymore, as much as i fantasize about having a partner and having my head rubbed after work and going hiking and sharing music and...all the things two people do when they want to learn each other and love each other for what they are. for some reason, i just can’t tolerate the steps you’re supposed to take to get to that point. i always see it as putting on a facade, like showing your best self and then slowly easing the person into learning your real self. that’s probably a real problem, looking at it that way. or, you know, just the idea of proving your worth to someone so that they choose to stick with you instead of with someone else. it’s always bothered me. i know love doesn’t just spring out of nowhere but... i think i’ve had a hard time figuring out what it DOES spring out of. i try to love so many people unconditionally and it’s never been reciprocated, so i know that’s not the way. it’s a dang enigma.

until recently, i was also sharing a house with this married couple that i was friends with, and being exposed to their lives and their friends also really shaped my willingness to “check out.” why? i can’t really explain it very well, but i felt like i was surrounded by people who were living by a script. like people who expect to be at certain places in their life at certain ages, you know, graduated by 22, married by 25, buy a house and have kids before 30, and an office job and a 401k plan buried somewhere within. not just the couple i was living with, but ALL of their couple friends, they all had the exact same lives. it was a real “keeping up with the jones’” vibe and i was having none of it. i knew they were looking down on me, 28 and single and piggybacking on my married friends’ lives. they sometimes introduced me as their “live-in pastry chef,” sort of a joke to explain why my life was the way it was. but so fucking what? life doesn’t follow a script, and it doesn’t mean that i’m stuck. i know it’s a little malicious, but i hated how they were stuck believing life had to be a certain way or else they were failures. 

want an anecdote? we were having a birthday party for the husband, his 30th birthday, new years eve. with the ball dropping and champagne and yada yada. i remember leaving my bedroom and his sister was upstairs crying, being comforted by one of her friends. i asked what upset her, and she told me she expected her boyfriend to propose to her that night and he hadn’t. i don’t mean to be cruel, but it just seemed a little bizarre to me; or it was just something that wasn’t in my field of vision, that New Years Eve was just a night where certain things were Supposed To Happen when you reach a certain point in your relationship. i can only assume she was upset because she felt like maybe she was wasting her time with this guy, because it didn’t seem like it was leading to the right conclusion. i’m sure they’re engaged or married or whatever now, or maybe she’s engaged to somebody else. that’s the only logical assumption i can make, even if it’s a little judgmental.

--

i cracked open my first joan didion book today too, “play it as it lays.” i didn’t really read any of it yet, only the introduction, and that still had my mind swirling. i had the thought, man, i would really love to write a novel and never publish it. it seems silly. it’s not really how Novelists work, like, a professional that needs to make money, but i don’t want to write professionally. i want to write something grand and free and not be bothered by where i’m inserting myself in The Discourse. basically, i was reading the introduction to this book and thinking to myself “i hope nobody ever writes any introduction to any book i’d ever write.” i don’t know why, but i don’t want to be deciphered. the intellectual back and forth really bugs me: people discussing my book, people recommending my book, people praising it, people ripping it to shreds, people comparing this book to my last book, and looking forward to my future books. i’m repulsed by the idea and i don’t know why. if only i could write a novel and just give it to one or two people, or publish it and have nobody read it, as nonsensical as that sounds. i suspect this isn’t an original impulse; in fact, i know plenty of authors have felt this way and lived this way, just written and written and not tried to publish anything (emily dickinson comes to mind). but i also recognize that many authors publish because they’ve already taken the exit and can’t really afford to turn back, they’re banking on success (”the starving artist” thing). and some people straight up just crave the fame and recognition, which i respect too. they’re both fine, and i’m lucky to indulge in great works from both of these kinds of authors. 

even when i read a book, i just want to soak it in and let it do its thing, not wave it around like a bible or anything. sometimes i don’t even want to know who the author is, or what their accolades are. i was comforted by joan’s bio on the back cover, it just said she is “the author of many works of fiction and nonfiction.” good. that’s enough for me. it’s hard to appreciate something when you expect greatness from it.

this all coincides with me thinking more and more about...meditation, as corny as that sounds to some people, or just letting life happen and living in the moment. trying my best not to look forward or look back. my mind sometimes seems to translate that as never striving for anything, which i’m not sure is exactly the same concept. but it seems comfortable, nonetheless. and i still don’t know if it’s the “right” move. all i know is that it’s the move i’ve made and what’s the use of wondering? it just is. 

bleh, this was going somewhere, but i’ve forgotten my conclusion. i haven’t written really long form in a while, and i know i don’t have readers anymore anyway, so i guess it’s not much of a sin to leave this with a dot dot dot. 

[lovemissnancy]

Thank You Jonghyun for giving me the courage to speak out about my battle with depression.

If you take the time to read this, thank you, I know I have written a novel. I felt a shoulder lift off as I write this…

There have been a lot of things going through my mind, I was very hurt through what had happened, mostly because I felt somewhat guilty that I couldn’t do anything to help him and I just felt broken, because a life was taken away. One of my favorite songs by Jonghyun was Skeleton Flower, along with Breathe too. In Skeleton flower, Jonghyun describes the song as something like this, “Life is somewhat like being wet by emotions, being gradually colored, then being dried out again,“ I thought that I could be strong, I held back my tears because I didn’t want to show I was broken and sad, but I broke down last night and the reality of this situation has now finally reached me after denying it all this time … I was in and out of depression, I actually am still battling the demon inside

From what I have seen of Jonghyun and his work, he is such an amazing person who spoke out about his thoughts on depression, and he was open about it … after much consideration, I thought I would also talk about my experience with depression, and I hope I will find the strength to help others too and together we can fight and make Jonghyun proud of us … and forgive me if this is all over the place … this is how my mind is, I have so many random thoughts consumed in my mind

I am the oldest child of 7 children, I am a first generation university student. The moment I was born, I have had a lot weighed on my shoulders, so much to the point where I tried to commit suicide many times, and not many people know about this, not even my closest friends. It has been this way since I was 12 years old, and I am now 20 years old. Being the oldest, I have had to bear a lot of this on my shoulders and it was hard on me, everything that I did, I felt like it wasn’t good enough for anyone. The second oldest and I are no more than 2 years apart, yet I feel like I am 10 years older because my parents raised me to be more independent, this is where being lonely comes in. My parents have told many of our relatives that I have been quiet and alone like this since I was young, only I didn’t realize this until I was 12 … my parents told them that I would always play on my own, and that my sisters formed a group and there was me, all alone. It wasn’t anyone’s doing but my own thoughts …

I would always feel like I was left out, I felt like I wasn’t wanted you know … and it really just hurt me a lot, because I felt like no one wanted me, I wasn’t their first, but their second. I remember just coming home a lot of times being sad that I didn’t have a friend like anyone and I felt like I was nothing, I felt like with my family as well, I didn’t think anyone liked me. The pressure of being the oldest just kind of isolated me and I guess I couldn’t take it anymore, that is when I wrote my first suicide letter and I tried to suffocate myself to death, just so I couldn’t breathe anymore, and so I could leave. I didn’t think I was good enough, I thought that everything would be better if I was gone ..

I was not the favorite child of my family, and no matter what I did, I did not think anyone was proud of me, I felt like no matter what I did, I would never be able to live up to expectations of others…. I was never particularly good at anything, not singing or dancing or looks, nor was I beautiful and skinny. So once I got scared, I just kind of pushed others away and then I became lonely.

High school went relatively okay, I fell in and out of depression, when I was in high school, ladies code also had their car accident, and I lost EunBi, my bias ..  … actually, high school was really tough. I, was the oldest, I got my permit first, I went to high school first, I was the first to take honor courses in class and I was the first to get a job in my class, and I was the first to go to college and I then I began writing letters again because it got too much for me, and I was going through it alone, I didn’t want to ask for help because I don’t ever want to be a bother to anyone at all...  I won’t explain everything in high school I was just always the first to do everything, I never felt like i had anyone to lean on even though I had friends and family. High school is also where I got into my first car accident too, and being the oldest, I felt like I have let down my family and was a bad example.

When I went to college, I went in pretty much alone, I had no one to turn to. Though I made friends and joined clubs, I still felt so alone, college is where my depression hit an all time low. I was so caged in all my life that the real world overwhelmed me, I grew up being independent, but I also grew up trying to please others and doing what others wanted, I always just kind of hid behind and allow others to take initiative, and now it was my turn to do everything myself. 

My sophomore year was when it got worst, I had one night where I cried myself to sleep by the corner of my desk, I had a night where I had to have someone physically come stay with me, that is where my second attempt came in. My negative thoughts almost made me walk out of my dorm and buy a rope, I walked back and forth clutching my key wanting to buy as many pills as I can and hike up (my school is located near forresty/mountain area) Last year, I finally figured out that I when I hit close to committing suicide, I begin writing farewell letters to everyone…. And just from August of 2017 alone, I have written letters three times, and if only you were able to read my history … you do not know how many times I have researched the least painful way to die, or the quickest way to die because I didn’t want to be in more pain or be in pain any longer … I got really sad one night, and in the darkness of my college campus, I walked around in the cold for an hour, and I didn’t bring any protection, because what was the worst that could happen to me?

I have always made myself feel bad if I did something that wasn’t good, I would have to constantly battle with myself that I didn’t have to be perfect but inside I was actually dying inside …. You know how there are videos and such of a devil and angel on shoulders in the movies? In my mind, even currently, there are two devils, because I have conditioned myself to always be negative to myself and I, myself, am the sole person who has been destroying my own mind. I have cried myself so much to sleep because I can’t help but be like this, because of being raised as more independent in mind, I never felt like I was able to ask for help due to the fear of being rejected, no matter how many friends I currently have, I have always felt like I wasn’t as important to them as others were, even though I am surrounded by so many people, I still felt alone because it was my mind tearing itself apart with negative thoughts…

If you were to grow up with me, you would learn that I would also rather choose the happiness of others and would try to patch up my thoughts to allow the other person so I would put them first instead of myself. I let others hurt me, then I punish myself, and it repeats again. It is also like no matter what anyone says, I continue to tear myself apart, because I can’t be like others and I felt like everything was my fault you know? Because it seemed like everything was being blamed on me.. If I got compliments or was praised, I didn’t take it to heart because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I was so used to being the second and so use to beating myself down that I conditioned myself to let the words of praise walk around me and enter through one ear and out the other ...

Really random too, but the words that still haunt me to this day, are the words, “It’s your fault,” These are my trigger words and once someone says its my fault, I get a ping of sharp pain in my heart.

My depression has many different stages, it can last from hours to multiple days and when it does, I lose even more interest in things and I end up alone, but I am an INFJ. I love being able to spend time alone, but the more time I spend time alone, I am so consumed in my thoughts that I begin tearing apart my flaws, the reasons why I feel like no one liked me. Even if someone liked me or told me I was important, I couldn’t accept it … I still to this day feel like this. It is like I can’t see anything, my head automatically assumes the worst and can’t read when someone is trying to actually praise me.

One of my biggest fears is not having anyone to love me, not having someone there for me. Since a child, I have been afraid of dying alone, not in the sense of actually dying alone, but in the sense that no one would come visit my grave and that no one will be there to see me off as they lower me to the ground.

There’s still a lot that is left unsaid, but I will end with this. If you are confused by what I have written, don’t worry, I am confused as well. Maybe these quotes (will down below) describing and INFJ will help you connect my depression along with being an INFJ. Thank you if you’ve reached this far, my university has a Counseling and Psychological Services and I will be booking appointments to talk about my depression and hopefully to stop myself from continuously writing my farewell letters. 

…..

I got in and out of depression…. Sometimes when I sleep, I fight with my mind, because sometimes when I sleep, I hope that I don’t wake up to see the sun again. 

Thank you Jonghyun, A little bit of weight has now lifted from my shoulder, I hope to be able to be strong and fight my battle.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/498281146249215181/

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[comicteaparty]

December 2nd-December 8th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from December 2nd, 2019 to December 8th, 2019.  The chat focused on Da Pukas by Pembroke W. Korgi. 

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Da Pukas by Pembroke W. Korgi~! (http://dapukas.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until December 8th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. What aspect of the world-building in the comic caught your eye and why? Relatedly, what do you think happened to the older people who left all their technology behind, and how might this fact continue to play a role in the story?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. What do you think happened to the pukas who left the village 10 years ago? Can they be found, or are they truly lost forever? How do you think Lider will handle the answer emotionally regardless of which case you choose?

AntiBunny

1. Personally my favorite scene is the first encounter with Chacal the Jackal. This is their first encounter with the villain, and they throw every idea they can come up with into their escape to see what sticks, eventually bumbling their way out of trouble and establishing what will be an ongoing menace.

2. light is clearly a big deal there. While the saying "lords of light" is a classic cartoon reference on the surface, the significance of their lantern shows that to an underground dwelling people a light source is something that could be seen as a gift from the gods, and not simply something to be taken for granted. It's never exactly explained, but can be gathered.

3. Alegre is my favorite character. I love the enthusiasm with which she throws herself into everything. She tries it all, laughs off her failures, and keeps going.

4. I think they'll show up much later in the comic with some big reveal. Perhaps they found a way to the surface, but can't come back. Maybe there's a point of no return.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. Do you think Lider and company will ever return home? If so, how do you think the journey will have changed them? Also, do you think they’ll ultimately be accepted back into their village, or will the council still exile them?

RebelVampire

1) My favorite scene so far is probably when Quetz makes good on the friendship and comes and saves everyone from Chacal. For a decently comedic, somewhat light hearted comic, that was a rather gruesome fight and it made me cringe (but in a good oh no way). I also liked that Quetz didn't magically fade into the background and there was immediate consequences for friendships being made. 2) The aspect of the world that interests me the most is the whole underground thing itself. I like how its treated as this natural thing by the characters, but as the reader I have so many questions. Like where did this huge underground network come from? How is it nobody has explored things to the point most places seem isolated? Etc. But I like how the story works with the underground in unique ways, like the issues of light, how they get food, etc. As for the people before them, I'm just going with common denominator and assume they destroyed themselves.(edited)

3) My favorite character is definitely Apocado. I like that Apocado is kind of the reluctant heroine with a lot of self esteem issues that are flat out addressed a lot throughout the comic. At the same time, though, I like it's balanced by the fact she actually does have talent and can come through for the group when it counts. Mostly, though, I just find her and Lider adorable together. 4) As for what happened to the past explorers, I feel its a combination of they got lost and didn't know the way back plus where they wound up needed their help a lot more. I do think they're gonna be found, but I think it's gonna be not good for Lider. I feel like Lider is gonna have this expectation that they never returned for some noble heroic reason, only to find out that they kind of chose just to ditch their old lives to a degree after a point. Even if that's not the case though, I do think happiness will turn to anger and resentment for a while about why they couldn't go back. Alternatively, everyone is dead, and Lider will fall into depression because life is hopeless is and bleak.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. Given the story’s focus on themes such as friendship and forgiveness, what event related to the themes impacted you the most? Overall, what is your take away from the story in regards to these themes?

5) My favorite illustration is definitely this page http://dapukas.com/?comic=belmontsville. I love the amount of colorful detail in the image. But what really sells it for me is the perspective and angle. It really captures that feeling of feeling like a stranger in a big city and really puts you in the character's shoes. I love when illustrations work with the story, so definitely a great one in my book. 6) I do feel like Lider and everyone will come home. Probably with a lot more people and with fanfare. However, I definitely feel like they won't stay. I get the impression the journey will make them see there's more to their underground life than their own little village. And I feel they'll want to help more people or something like that. As for whether they'll be accepted back, I think yes and no. I think the council won't want to, but that their hands will be forced lest they earn public ire.

RebelVampire

7) I enjoy seeing Apocado and Lider interact the most. I love how opposite their personalities are in a lot of ways, so it creates lots of friction. Yet they still care about one another. Plus, their relationship is just adorable. Like how Apocado just basically jumped down a hole after Lider. XD Just precious and funny. 8) The one that affected me the most was when Artifice forgave Rumi. I think in life we often forget that accidents are a thing. And that people can hurt other people will out ill intent, and that it's easy to become wrapped up in the blame game. At the same time, sometimes that anger is a bit justified, since some accidents are bigger than others. All in all, forgiveness is hard. But I think the takeaway is that it's still good to do since focusing on what were mad at the person about rarely fixes anything.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. Do you think we’ve seen the last of the jackal Chacal, or will they continue to hunt Lider and group? If the latter, what do you think it will take for Lider and the rest to be free of Chacal?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. What do you think the device Lider was given is? Can it be fixed, and if so, what role will it play in Lider’s quest? Additionally, will Lider be able to get the lantern repaired as well?

AntiBunny

7. Right now I'm loving the interplay between Artifisk and Malo. They haven't interacted that much, but having a scene alone together shows that Artifisk is the one who's a questioner. Most people just accept that Malo is the way she is, but Artifisk actually shows curiosity about Malo's personality.

8. Probably the moment they left the village. They treat it as a grand adventure, but they also know they can't turn back. It's not unlike the moment in Lord of the Rings when the Hobbits realize that one more step will take them further from home than they've ever been.

9. Certainly the element of danger. There are villages that are safe, but it's treated like leaving these villages is a major risk. A few individuals live between, but in general the caverns are very much a sort of death world filled with hazards and dangerous creatures. It sort of reminds me of a Metroid game in that way. Isolation is the name of the game. This small crew on their journey become a small party in strange and hostile world. You really see that contrast in their behaviors in and out of a town too. Outside they're always on edge, always in danger, never able to relax. Inside a town they relax more and you see their personalities in a different light.

10. Chacal certainly will be an ongoing threat. What I wonder is if the Pukas will become better at outwitting and evading them, or if Chacal as we saw with Qwetz will continue to grow as a threat.

11. A well balanced core cast. The personalities are all just right to play off of each other. Sometimes complimenting, and sometimes conflicting. Everyone has a role to play in the character dynamic.

12. Some kind of tracker I think. When it starts working it will probably give them a direction to go in.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. How do you think Bimmy will try to scam the pukas out of their gold? Will Bimmy succeed, and if so, what will the pukas do? Further, do you think Ali will get involved again somehow?

RebelVampire

9) A detail I've really liked in the comic is the just the comic's abilities to keep plot threads relevant. For example, Rumi. It would've been super easy for the comic to just kind of drop it for 50 chapters and then bring it up again. But the comic is super good at remember to involve these plots from time to time before you forget them. And I think that's a real merit. 10) Nah. Chacal is definitely gonna show up again. I feel like Chacal is the sort of character who becomes easily embittered and revenge filled. So even if it takes a while, Chacal will always remember the offense and only become more desperate and violent. As for how Lider and them are going to be free...honestly...probably murder. Or at least imprisoning Chacal for life. I don't think theres anyway else out of the mess. 11) I think the comic's strength are its characters. They all have these kind of exaggerated personalities that are just enjoyable to read for both comedy and dramatic scenes. At the same time, though, the story is able to take a step back and show the darker sides to the characters and their kind of personal traumas and inner conflicts. And I always like when theres a good balance of that. 12) I think the device might be some kind of knowledge base. Maybe like a mini-version of Wikipedia with a little bit of GPS thrown in. And it will inevitably prove vital to their navigation I think as they get farther and farther away and start having to rely on more random tech. Which yes, by that implication, I think it will be fixed. I think the lantern will be fixed as well, though I think Lider will have to give it that extra push to get it working.

13) I am looking forward to Lider and Apocado's further relationship development cause they're just so gosh darn cute together. And I'm interested to see what sort of tests they'll face since the further they delve into the caverns,, the more dangerous it will be. 14) I feel like Bimmy is gonna intercept the tech somehow and say "Hey pay me and I'll help." and then whoops, money is gone. However, I doubt Bimmy will succeed longterm. More likely Bimmy will be hunted down, probably with Ali's help, and defeated. But defeated in a way there'll be an eternal grudge.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Da Pukas this week! Please also give a special thank you to Pembroke W. Korgi for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Da Pukas, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://dapukas.com/

Pembroke’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ArtificialOrangeStudios

Pembroke’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/pembrokewkorgi

Pembroke’s Teepublic Store: https://www.teepublic.com/user/pembrokewkorgi/albums/13501-da-pukas

Pembroke’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/pembrokewkorgi