#someone came up with the book of life/Nina idea!! i cannot for the life of me remember who!! pls lmk if u know

[sentientsky]

a very unserious collection of crack predictions for season 3, variously inspired by jokes from fellow users and also my own terrible little hamster brain

(disclaimer: i made this at like. 3 am. and tbh my brain is all over the place, so i don’t know which ideas i came up with myself and which are posts i’ve just internalized. if i’ve used an idea of yours here, please tell me so i can properly credit you <3)

template below the cut!

[chaoticgeminate]

Kinktober - Day Four

Pairing: Javi Gutierrez x f!Reader

Rating: Explicit (If that was not entirely clear)

Series Summary: You’re a fanfiction writer turned novelist, which was great since it was the path you wanted your writing to take you down in life. What you never thought would happen was meeting the Javier Gutierrez, who you actively write smutty fanfiction about from his film with Nic Cage, and you especially didn’t expect him to have a crush on you.

Fast forward several months of dating, with a good chunk of your relationship being distance due to his constant traveling and having to go home to Mallorca, when he surprises you with a prompt list and a vacation planned around exploring it.

You haven’t even worked up the nerve to tell him about what you write and post to Tumblr about him as a character yet.

Notes: Going to be using prompts from @ the-purity-pen for my meta as hell indulgence! There are feelings in this (I have no idea how they got there) and I may end up removing some possible chapters here and there depending on how I’m feeling, I apologize in advance if that happens because my brain is super mean sometimes.

Possible Warnings: Semi-public teasing, Javi with leather gloves, emotional vulnerability, implied history with violence/abuse, very low on the smut and heavy on the softness. I CANNOT DO SMUT WITHOUT EMOTIONS I'M SORRY ;-;

Breath Play (1.9k)

After a filling brunch of things like egg benedict with Iberico ham, A5 wagyu steak and eggs, and a lentil vegan dish that just blew you away all four of you went to Ramón and Eleana’s hotel where you signed two sets of your books and did an Instagram shout out to Nina. Javi waved off their concerns over the cost of brunch, that he paid for, and you realized the Ritz was chosen because Javi wanted to treat them to something nice and not because that was what they were used to.

When you both got back in the convertible Javi slipped his gloves back on and your whore brain absolutely sat up and took notice, he made sure that it was slow and deliberate enough that your focus was solely on the way the leather dragged across his skin, and your tongue darted out to wet your lips.

“I guess we can say you do have a glove kink then?” His question snapped you out of the ideas running through your head, his remark about ruining those gloves still echoing, and you had to drag your eyes away from where he gripped the steering wheel to meet his gaze.

“Looks like it.” Your voice came out breathy, the tone making Javi’s pupils expand before he slipped his shades on, and you half expected him to speed back to the house. But Javi surprised you by taking you closer to the shore, pulling down a stretch of road that was empty before turning off the main road and down an inclined road closer to the water, and the area of beach was devoid of anyone. No tourists, no people wandering around, just sand and water and high rocky cliffs to block the view of the street.

“Are you okay with this?” His question made you realize exactly what he was thinking to do, that he wanted you here, and while there was part of you that was definitely not okay at the idea of someone snapping pictures or recording you if you were caught… it was also kind of exciting. You managed to nod, whispering out a yes, before Javi was getting out of the car and you did the same. He tugged you against his body so he was perched on the hood with you facing the shore, you realized that in doing so it’d be almost impossible for anyone to see what you were up to unless they were out in the water.

Even then the deeper water for the ships was so far out that it was unlikely you’d get caught.

“You knew about this place already?”

“Not personally, I just know a few of my cousins have brought people here. I know it is not quite day four, Solecita, but I changed my mind during brunch. Tomorrow will be a day of resting, because I want you more than ready for me the day after.” You shivered at the implication, since the day five prompts were seared into your brain and that was the only valid reason he could have to want a rest, and the fact that he was even going to have a break day wasn’t as disappointing as you thought.

Javi was definitely a service lover but he was also voracious, now that he had you like this he was proving to have an insatiable appetite for your pleasure, and your boyfriend had already confessed he’d held himself back so much in the past because he was nervous of how fast he had been falling for you despite a good portion of your relationship being long distance. The fact that he’d been holding back was both exciting and intimidating.

Did you want him to rail you frequently and without hesitation? Yes, of course you did, you’d be stupid to want anything less.

But the emotional aspect of his intimacy was -as he said- nerve wracking; you’d been falling fast too and the idea of losing him hurt too much already.

“I cannot tell if you’re distracted out of excitement over my intent to fuck you full repeatedly in two days or if there’s something else going on in your head, Solecita.” Javi was using one hand to cup your cheek and turn your face to look at you, his other arm banded around your body to hold you in place, and you felt that worry that you were going to scare him if you told him how deep your feelings for him ran already.

“It’s both. I- even without the sex I’m really attached to you, I know most of our relationship has been long distance so it might seem like it’s too fast and I just don’t want you to find a reason to walk away from me-“

“Solecita, I have held myself back from telling you that I love you since the day you and I spent at your apartment after our fourth date was rained out. When you laughed at how we were drenched from the downpour and heated up soup from a tin in your microwave which we drank in mugs and told me that a little disaster was just the fate’s way of spicing things up.” You remembered his confused and mildly horrified expression when you’d whipped out your rainy day staple, canned soup in a mug was only good when it was rainy or there was heaps of snow, and yet he’d still stayed and ended up tangled in the blankets on your couch kissing you for hours.

“You love me?”

“Sí, I love you so much, I was just worried it was too soon.”

“No Javi, it’s not, I love you too.”

His mouth sealed over yours the moment the words escaped you and you whined when Javi let go of your waist to run his hand under your skirt and up, the drag of the leather against your skin making you shiver. The feeling of his fingertips gliding from your cheek to your neck made you stiffen a little but you leaned more against him and tipped your head in a way that exposed more of your neck to him.

“What’s your word, Solecita, and what do you do if you cannot speak?”

Oh shit.

You swallowed thickly as his whisper was breathed into your skin, making you shiver as you ran your tongue against the back of your teeth to ground yourself.

“Taffy and Brittle, my words are taffy to slow and brittle to stop, and if I can’t speak you want me to tap your thigh. Once to ease up, twice to check in, and three times for hard stop.” Why you chose candies you couldn’t remember as Javi purred a soft ‘good girl’ in your ear and pressed his gloved fingertips to the front of your underwear before his hand settled lightly on your neck without pressure.

Your hips jumped at the contact and Javi used his foot to kick your legs wider, gently enough to avoid hurting you but hard enough to make sure you knew it wasn’t a suggestion. You didn’t really know what to do with your hands, they were currently reaching behind you and gripping the leather belt he was wearing like a vice, and your boyfriend nipped at your ear gently with a soft moan as you rocked back against him.

“My beautiful Solecita, to have your love… I am the luckiest man. Your beauty captivated me but your ability to weave words and create stories that I could see as clear as if they were a film left me needing to know you.”

While you certainly knew you had a praise kink it was the fact that he wasn’t even talking about anything sexual and you were still getting turned on that had your head spinning, the softness of it making your heart squeeze even as his fingers circled your covered clit. A low moan from you made the grip on your throat tighten just a little, to remind you he was there, and your hips jerked against him.

“Javi-“

“Hold your skirt up for me, Solecita, I want to see.”

Your hands were trembling as you moved them to raise the front of your skirt and hold it, feeling the way Javi’s cock twitched and hearing his low moan in your ear, and he rewarded you by sliding his hand into your underwear; the leather was smooth and warm and as Javi slipped two fingers into your wet pussy he tightened his hold on your neck to smother your moan. He wasn’t squeezing hard, you could still talk if you had to, but the fact that it was even a little more difficult to draw breath than normal made everything feel different.

Even the tension in the air felt different.

The soft choked noise you made sounded so loud.

Hyperaware of the hand on your throat, of the sensation of his fingers gliding in and out of your wet channel, the creak of the leather when his hold loosened and the pounding in your chest as your body began to draw in full oxygen again. It was an overwhelming feeling and you couldn’t decide how you felt about it, but Javi’s grip loosened further and you shivered when he pressed his forehead against the back of your shoulder but you knew something was wrong. The strange tension wasn’t gone, even though he’d loosened his hold, there was something almost rigid in the way Javi was holding himself now.

You didn’t like it.

“Javi?”

“Hush- Solecita, you’re doing so well.”

“Taffy.” Javi’s hand stopped moving and you let the skirt of your dress fall in order to take the hand resting near your collar and grip it in both of yours. Javi’s breathing was harsh and you realized he was shaking a little, something had rattled him and you couldn’t help but scan the horizon before listening just in case you weren’t as secluded as you thought.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t like that, the choking, I- the trust you have in me makes me so conflicted but I don’t like it. Violence and pain has always lingered in the background of my life, I do not really wish to bring that near you.”

Javi’s open admission that he wasn’t feeling it made you reach one hand back to stroke his hair gently, his openness about why he didn’t like it was more than he even needed to say.

“Okay, then we mark that off as a hard no. Why don’t we go back to the house then? I want to thank you for being so good to me.” Javi made a small sound before lifting his head and pressing a kiss to the side of your neck, not fighting you as you pulled his hand out of your underwear, the wet sound of it making both of you shiver but Javi needed your support and care.

Sex wasn’t the most important part of this for you, his comfort and trust was.

“Thank you, Solecita, I’m sorry I can’t-“

“No, don’t apologize, we already said there was no judgement as to why we did or didn’t like things we tried.”

He stopped arguing with you and even let you drive back, his hand holding yours tightly the entire ride. This was going to have to be a bigger conversation but not right now, he was too raw right now, and you decided that you’d initiate a break day of your own since that was more important to you than a list.

Javi had done so much for you, the least you could do was give him the emotional support he needed and deserved.

All Fics Taglist: @hardc0rehaylz @wordsnwhiskey @pagannightwitch @radiowallet @musings-of-a-rose @amneris21 @trickstersp8 @practicalghost @rominaszh @alwaysdjarin @alexxavicry

Just Pedro Taglist: @maievdenoir @beecastle @littlemisspascal @writeforfandoms @AynsleyWalker @lovesbiggerthanpride @MSWarriorBabe80

Alt Taglist: @imtryingmybeskar @fan-of-encouragement @grogusmum @sizzlingcloudmentality @deadhumourist @prostitute-robot-from-the-future

Kinktober Only: @nicolethered @katareyoudrilling

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

[wellhalesbells]

✨✨ TOP FIVES FOR 2020 ✨✨

2020 was, i think we can all agree, a massively chaotic year but i have never consumed as much media before in my life, so i thought others might benefit from my slothery uh, connoisseur.... ship?  yes, that.  below are the books, comics, shows, and movies that got me through!

B O O K S .

the starless sea, by erin morgenstern - i loooove this book because it loves me back.  it says: ‘oh, you’re a reader, well i have just the thing for you.’  it luxuriates in language and story and riddles and fairy tales and it feels like an entire library in a single tome.

they never learn, by layne fargo - oh fuuuuuck, this was satisfying.  i thought it might feel a little exploitative as it is very aware of the zeitgeist and likely would not exist without the #metoo movement but it never ever did.  this was a fucking ROMP, period.  reading about a woman getting away with murdering skeezy guy after rapey guy after shitty human just made me happier and happier.

moonflower murders, by anthony horowitz - this is the second in the susan ryeland series (and the first was hardcore good fun too) and really feels very classic mystery with the artful twist of catering to the literary community.  mainly because: susan isn’t a detective, she’s an editor and she gets drafted in this time because the clue to what happened to a missing woman is in a book she edited, if she can find it.  both of the books in this series have such an excellent coming together moment that is rare af to find.

the invisible life of addie larue, by v.e. schwab - the writing in this is just so good.  it has that feel to me where i just want to drop the book and open up my own page and let my fingers fly.  it’s that inspiring kind of writing that reminds you of all the things language can do.

crown of feathers/heart of flames, by nicki pau preto - aaahhh, this series is SO FREAKING GOOD!  why is there not more of a fandom for it, why???? it is so many of my favorite tropes all resting perfectly together to the point where you almost forget they’re tropes because they just so naturally evolved there.  ugh, it’s just.... it’s so heart-bursty good.

.... number 5, part 2?  raybearer, by jordan ifueko - this was just so original and i was invested af.  like, what a brilliant idea though and an even better execution??  i loved every character and am so looking forward to the next in the series so i can get to know them even better!!

honorable mentions (sh*t i still liked a whole heckuva lot): you/hidden bodies, by caroline kepnes // writers & lovers, by lily king // i’ll be gone in the dark, by michelle mcnamara // the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, by joseph fink & jeffrey cranor // girl, serpent, thorn, by melissa bashardoust // a little life, by hanya yanagihara // the guinevere deception, by kiersten white // obsidio (and the entire illuminae series), by amie kaufman & jay kristoff // the bone houses, by emily lloyd-jones // house of salt and sorrows, by erin a. craig // we hunt the flame, by hafsah faizal // savage legion, by matt wallace // blacktop wasteland, by s.a. cosby // crier’s war, by nina varela // the empress of salt and fortune/when the tiger came down the mountain, by nghi vo // upright women wanted, by sarah gailey // the monster of elendhaven, by jennifer giesbrecht // a deadly education, by naomi novik // you let me in, by camilla bruce // when you ask me where i’m going, by jasmin kaur // the lights go out in lychford/last stand in lychford (and the entire lychford series), by paul cornell // the devil and the dark water, by stuart turton // serpent & dove, by shelby mahurin // one by one, by ruth ware // ruthless gods (this was SUCH an upshot from the first book - it’s worth sticking with if you’re on the fence), by emily a. duncan // cemetery boys, by aiden thomas // the inheritance games, by jennifer lynn barnes // the fortunate ones (2021 release), by ed tarkington

C O M I C S .

cosmoknights, by hannah templer - the art was gorgeous, the gayness was glorious, and just.... hot HOOOOOOOOT lady knights in space?!  a princess winning her own hand?  find something not to love in there, i dare you.

don’t go without me, by rosemary valero-o’connell - wow. wow wow wow wow wow.  the writing was stunning, so lyrical and atmospheric and deep, and rosemary has to be one of my favorite artists but even that managed to come as a beautiful surprise because it was just so freaking bold.

through the woods, by emily carroll - i loooove emily carroll, the convergence of spine-tingling horror and art that feeds into it, that is both visually and aesthetically pleasing, is hard to beat!  p.s. i also read beneath the dead oak tree from her this year and it was also a BANGER.

the impending blindness of billie scott, by zoe thorogood - zoe is someone that i just want to follow.  she’s just starting and i want to be there for every single step.  i love her art style and her ability to tell a story with it.

above the clouds, by melissa pagluica - this was so unique, and such a baller concept, as nearly half the entire book is conveyed only through the art and yet you’re never once lost, never once confused as to what any character is thinking or feeling.  it’s a story within a story and only one of those gets words though they both are chock full of emotion!

um.... number 5, part 2? crowded, by christopher sebela - everything about this series is fun af.  crowd-funded assassination and a hirable bodyguard who’s rated like an uber driver???  and the chemistry between the two mains is so great and gay!!

honorable mentions: monster and the beast, by renji // long exposure, by kam ‘mars’ heyward // fence, by c.s. pacat // invisible kingdom, by g. willow wilson // ms. marvel, by g. willow wilson // heathen, by natasha alterici // not drunk enough, by tess stone // giant days, by john allison // die, by kieron gillen // be prepared, by vera brosgol // ascender (sequel to descender, which is also great), by jeff lemire // the unbeatable squirrel girl, by ryan north // bang! bang! boom!, by melanie schoen // gideon falls, by jeff lemire // life of melody, by mari costa // cry wolf girl, by ariel slamet ries // the tea dragon society, by katie o’neill // ptsd, by guillaume singelin // heartstopper, by alice oseman // solutions and other problems, by allie brosh // finding home, by hari conner // the magic fish, by trung le nguyen // something is killing the children, by james tynion iv // the weight of them, by noelle stevenson // spill zone, by scott westerfeld // skyward, by joe henderson // miles morales, by saladin ahmed

F I L M S.

parasite, dir. bong joon ho - oh it was satisfying, oh it was suspenseful, oh i had to watch some of it through my fingers but i loooooooved it.  such a good story and so well made.

knives out, dir. rian johnson - okay, everything about this movie was amazing.  every single character was fun as hell and i could’ve watched an entire movie about each of them.  what a great fucking mystery!

blindspotting, dir. carlos lopez estrada -  this made my heart hurt so damn much.  what glorious writing, acting, and story!

portrait of a lady on fire, dir. celine sciamma - gooooorgeous cinematography, amazing chemistry, and such a soft, atmospheric film.

the farewell, dir. lulu wang - i cried and my heart felt so full and i love it so so much.

um.... number 5, part 2? someone great, dir. jennifer kaytin robinson - no part of me expected to love a netflix movie this much but it’s a love story that doesn’t get told that often??  the end of a relationship and the true love of friendship and i love these girls and i love jenny and nate’s broken relationship.

honorable mentions: eighth grade, dir. bo burnham // booksmart, dir. olivia wilde // midsommar, dir. ari aster // the curse of la llorona, dir. michael chaves // the secret life of pets 2, dirs. chris renaud & jonathan del val // jojo rabbit, dir. taika waititi // the invisible man, dir. leigh whannell // the favourite, dir. yorgos lanthimos // can you ever forgive me?, dir. marielle heller // troop zero, dirs. bert & bertie // ready or not, dirs. matt bettinelli-olpin & tyler gillett // brave, dirs. mark andrews & brenda chapman & steve purcell // the half of it, dir. alice wu // palm springs, dir. max barbakow // doctor sleep, dir. mike flanaghan // uncut gems, dirs. benny sadfie & josh sadfie // birds of prey, dir. cathy van // bloodshot, dir. dave wilson // the old guard, dir. gina prince-bythewood // enola holmes, dir. harry bradbeer // hocus pocus, dir. kenny ortega // always be my maybe, dir. nahnatchka khan // finding dory, dirs. andrew stanton & angus maclane // die hard, dir. john mctiernan

S H O W S .

black sails (2014) - this show, this shooooooooow.  i cannot, it just makes me want to cry with how good it is.  the characters, the EMOTIONS, the story, the plaaaaaan.  like, the creators clearly had a plan for every single step of this show and it was a gOOD, GOOD PLAN.

the untamed (2019) - truly, cheesy good fun with one of the best gay romances ever.  i love these characters and their relationships to each other and the way it glories in its own ridiculousness.

the righteous gemstones (2019) - one of the things that bothered me about my next choice (the ratio of female to male nudity) was so much more realistic in this one (i mean, we’ve all gotten five thousand dick pics and i know like three people?  so the fact that there is so rarely male nudity in shows when there are tits everywhere..... no, how does that even make a tiny bit of sense?).  this show was such great, wonderful, awful fun.  they’re not great people and the show is under no delusion about that and it’s GLORIOUS!

the witcher (2019) - this was just hella fun, i loved the characters and the fantasy elements.  i’m excited for the next season, it’s just entertaining swashbuckling through and through!

fargo (2014) - all of this was really very enjoyable with the through line being somebody fucks shit up and gets involved in something they really shouldn’t be involved in that’s going to swallow them whole.  season one and season three were my stand-out favorites but they were all so violent, clever, and vicious!

um.... number 5, part 2? central park (2020) - um..... so many of the hamilton actors in a muscial cartoon drawn and written by the bob’s burgers team? WHAT ABOUT THAT DOESN’T SOUND AMAZING?!  it was such a joy to hear daveed diggs and leslie odom jr.’s voices again!!

honorable mentions: schitt’s creek // the mandalorian // mr. robot // broadchurch // mindhunter // jack ryan // the good place // the end of the f***ing world // big little lies // elite // kidding // servant // letterkenny // curb your enthusiasm // i am not okay with this // ozark // buzzfeed unsolved: true crime/supernatural // you // runaways // dear white people // dickinson // brooklyn nine-nine // will & grace // 9-1-1 // dead to me // solar opposites // never have i ever // killing eve // what we do in the shadows // grace and frankie // avenue 5 // roswell, new mexico // the bold type // evil // tuca & bertie // impulse // the umbrella academy // watchmen // infinity train // corporate // search party // on becoming a god in central florida // a.p. bio // criminal: uk // the morning show // mythic quest // last week tonight // prodigal son // the great

[writerforfun]

Underwing Challenge Day 6 + Day 7

6. What does your portfolio look like? Talk about as many other WIPs as you’d like here.

I have to be honest here, I never understood portfolio. I mean u understand what it is and its purpose but I never understood how to make it for myself.

But either way I guess I do have certain things I worked on.

Starting of with Collection.

1. Collection: Story 1: Mirror Defect: (DONE) (Sorry no cover)

Not all is as it seems.

Not all can be explained and even when the truth is out not everything will make sense.

"I just lost my brother, I can't lose her."

What can you do when you lose trust in those around you? When grief holds you too close?

When lies are hidden all around you?

When nothing is real?

Can you trust your own eyes? When all goes wrong who can you trust?

"Experitment 1034, you are next"

Is anything real? Are you real?

**Warning: character death, graphic description of the deceased character.**

I SUCK AT SUMMARIES.

The story was originally done to scare my uncle. I was going to send him this other story, which R.L. Stine wibe to it but sadly I lost it.

So here we are. Now this story features Mark, who despite all that has occurred, is trying to fix his broken family, even if it means destrying himself but is this family real?

You can check it out here

2. So, A Deal?: (DONE)

Met with death she has no choice but to let death consume her.

"No, I can't leave like this! Not like this."

There is no other way, or is there? But is she ready?

"What do you want? Does your soul not fill with rage, anger and despair? Pushing you to the core of vengeance? Don't you feel like a ghost? Dreading you will disappear? You know you are nothing but a ghost, and eventually, you will have to fade."

"I have seen the face of affliction brought by my reality, I'm tortured by the future of things that cannot be, haunted by visions of yesterday."

Her sin is great, but her desire greater. Will she survive the burn?

This was something I did for my school wrok once. Although it is quite different than the original work. I'm quite happy with the last chapter. I honestly just posted it out as a test to see if others would like it.

It took quite an effort and I enjoyed doing the last bit of it. I really want to make a sequal to it, get it going, but not really sure if this is going to go well.

You can check it out here.

3. Solar Elements: (DONE)

Avatar: The last Airbender inspired.

A lot can happen during a lifetime, faultless rotating to flaws, heroes into villains, a lifetime of destruction smiling in your wakes.

A lot can be lost in a lifetime.

"Wolf is going overboard,"

"We do not have time to wait."

"Surrender now and we shall show you all mercy."

"No, we will never yield to you"

"Then so be it."

"You are not prohibited to address better yet conduct such disgrace." "We are still alive!"

"Love you, Son"

A lot can happen during a lifetime, faultless rotating to flaws, heroes into villains, a lifetime of destruction smiling in your wakes.

"And so she has finally awoken."

I had done this for a story contest once, sadly I was unable to win. But I have to behonest, if I had I would have been so annoyed, it was awful, so awful. I won't talk much on it, as I still don't like this too much.

This feature elemtnal magic and time twist you can say, where a character, reborn must choose to either repeat history or change it completely.

4. Pirates tale: (WIPs)

Had this in for a while, been working on it but didn't have a plot till now.

The ship has no name, no crew, nothing. But if you see it, it's already too late.

Legend says they're ghost, some say they are cursed, others....... others don't live to tell the tale.

It was inspired by a prompt I saw once. Hoping to make these pirates cured to be vampires, hidden from all and only visible at night. They are insearch of their first crew captain, the one who must break the cures. Problem is, Captian dies 30 years ago.

Guess, his hidden daughter must be placed instead.

This is dumb, so dumb, but hey, I'll work on it.

5. The Basement: (WIPs)

Another school work.

This one feartures students sneaking into their school's basement. Each with their own story on why the basement is forbbiden.

If only they had listened and not followed through, then maybe they would not have encountered, the hidden dark past of the school.

This has a gay couple, lol I actaully send it to my teacher but I don't think she noticed :(. It needs alot of work though, so this may take a while.

6. To find the Truth: (WIPs)

This one seems to be liked a lot by you guys. Many seem intrigued.

In the dystopian future, when the world government collapsed, when humans fell and the virus took hold, out rose a series of mutants. Their genes mutated by the virus released when a power plant went nuclear.

These mutants, blessed with powers beyond their control, have taken leadership. Smart, strong, powerful and undefeatable. They hold power over the weak like you and me. But I won't let them stop me. I won't let them come in the way.

They are sloppy, weak and useless. The world is filled with criminals, danger and people in need. This world needs justice, it needs help and they won't help, so I will.

"They'll take you away. They take people like them away"

"I won't let them"

I worked up a lot on this in the past few day and have actually most of the plot down. Well the main chracter's backstory at least, even how the virus started and why these mutants have taken over.

I just need to start it out and get it going. I have done that and I was thinking of adding bits and pieces on how the world is after every sub-story, like telling the tale as the story progress.

Was also hoping to give this story, a big reveal as to who these mutants are and how they came to be, why they take other's like them and how they find other's like them.

7. To Sacrifice or To Live? (WIPs)

Still working up on the name here, but the story goes like this.

Two wedding decades a part, each holding nothing but tale forgotten.

An evil entity hanting them both. A power over both familes, readdy to demolish them whole this time.

Will the scarifice work?

Ok, before you turn away, here me out here.

Two weddings, one in the 1900s and the other in 2000s. Both familes trapped in a curse long active, each must work to find a way to break the curse. One failed, made it worse, will the new bride make it? Or will she suffer worse?

8. Collection: Haunting Memories (WIPs)

Jenny doesn't know how she did it but she did. She didn't mean to. She really didn't. But Nina is dead now and it's her fault. She did it.

It's her fault.

Then why do they blame Jake? Jake is sweet, kind and caring. Sure he was the one with the blade, covered in blood and coming to kill Jenny next but it wasn't Jake. Because she saw.

Saw him kill her. Push the blade through Nina, watching as the girl fell. Her blood turning the ground crimson. She saw as the life left Nina's eyes. As the killer slumped to the ground, the control over him wearing off.

Jenny knows because she killed Nina. Then why does no one believe her? And why do her memories differ from Jake's?

“I am telling you what happened.”

“All you are doing is wasting our time.”

“Then be patient, this is all I have. Please just hear me out.”

“We are busy people here. We don’t have time for stupid tales, girl”

“This is not a stupid tale. If you could just listen.”

“We are listening. Listening to you for the past 10 minutes, all you have done so far is tell us useless things. We have things to do.”

“Everything I mention is important. One thing missed and you won’t understand. Please. I need your help.”

“You have 10-”

“15”

“Fine 15 minutes.”

This I hope to work and get done by at least in the next month. It need a lot of work and must be quite slow yet fast paced. I need to make the plot a bit more than just what I have written.

8. Trick? No, I'll take the Treat (WIPs)

Halloween themed. Done quite long ago.

What will you do when your Halloween turns into a nightmare?

I have nothing much on it at the moment, but will update this soon.

7. What kind of partnership are you looking for in this event? Friendship? Somebody to bounce ideas off of? Something else? What sorts of people are you hoping to meet and adopt?

Honeslty, I did a lot of research in the past few days and boy do I ned a lot of work done.

For starters, I need someone who can actually tell me how my work is going, just how kuch of an effort I have out in and how it seems to others.

I need harsh, quite harsh feed back so I know what I am doing wrong, what I should improve with and what interests the reader about the book.

I also say wish to meet and know other writers here. Would love to meet them and get to know them.

[artificialqueens]

as the stars align (branjie) - rujubees

A/N: Brooke Lynn Hytes is one of Hollywood’s top A-Listers with a reputation for being a diva. Newcomer Vanessa Mateo is fresh off her debut role and already making a splash in the industry. When they get cast as lovers for an oscar-worthy script, their on-screen chemistry is a director’s dream come true. There’s only one problem: they completely, unequivocally and unapologetically cannot stand one another.

More on ao3

Brooke Lynn had barely taken the first sip of her morning coffee when Nina thrusted a pile of paper into her arms.

“As The Stars Align? What the hell is this, Nina?”

“Brooke, you’re such a bad lesbian,” Nina scolded with an eye roll and a chuckle. “It’s Katya Zamolodchikova’s newest script based on her novel about two female astronauts who fall in love. And it’s good.”

Brooke held the script contemplatively, her eyes fluttering over the story outline, fingers flicking through the pages. Despite her brief early morning amnesia, she did know who Katya Zamolodchikova was — everybody did. She was a rare example of an author who had been able to permeate the heteronormative industry with LGBT driven stories, and have her publications be received with both critical and commercial success. Brooke wasn’t usually one for romance novels, but even she had read some of Katya’s works, and she had to admit that they were of surprisingly high quality.

And the lead character description of a woman who was ‘reserved and mysterious’ among other things was undoubtedly perfect for her. From the way Nina was excitedly rambling about that very fact, she was one step away from telling her that the character had been written with Brooke in mind.

“You have to audition, B. They just announced that Michelle Visage is directing and the online buzz is unlike anything I’ve seen for a movie of this scale before. This thing is Oscar-worthy, Brooke, I’m telling you.”

Brooke scoffed, drawing back from her coffee for the first time since Nina had arrived.

“An interracial love story between two women set in space? Yeah, that’s bound to be a hit with all the old, straight, white men in the Academy.” She pushed the script down the long, marble bar the pair sat at in Brooke’s kitchen and got up to refill her coffee. Truthfully, she didn’t care about awards or what a bunch of crusty dudes thought of her in any capacity. But it had been so long since she’d had a project which she was genuinely passionate about — one had not came along since the groundbreaking movies that had made her the star she was. These days, she was established, sure, but the last few years had led her down a hole of constantly being reduced to the trophy wife in male-dominated dramas or the blonde bimbo in vapid heterosexual rom-coms. It would hurt for her to get her hopes up high at the idea of finally landing a role of substance, only to have her dreams dashed at the last minute, once again being overlooked in favour of someone younger or prettier or more talented.

“Who cares about the Academy?” Nina exclaimed, watching exasperatedly as Brooke Lynn flopped back into to the seat opposite her. “This thing is gonna be huge no matter what. If it’s not an awards season candidate, at least it’ll be a box office smash. If it’s not a box office smash, it’ll still be important representation to all the little gay girls and boys who need representation like a lead lesbian character being played by an actual LGBT person. Don’t you wanna be a part of that?”

Brooke smiled softly at Nina, meeting the other woman’s eyes and realising how passionate she was about this. How much she cared. She was straight, but she just got it. It wasn’t that often that Brooke came across a real, ride-or-die ally in show-business, and it was the reason Brooke Lynn had hired her as her manager almost on-sight. It was also part of why Nina was her best friend.

“You got me there, bitch,” Brooke replied with a smirk, chuckling as Nina’s eyes immediately began lighting up and her face broke out into a wide grin. Brooke’s own smile began to falter the more she considered Nina’s point.

“I’m not even, like, out-out though,” she said, her eyes dropping to her hands, which Nina quickly covered with her own. “They deserve better than me.”

“Only because you won’t dignify invasive speculation about your sexuality with an answer, rightfully so by the way, and you’ve never been in a public relationship. You’ll get there.”

“Public? Girl, I’ve never been in a relationship, Period. We’re a long way off from public,” Brooke responded with a sigh. She pulled the script back and began flipping through it again, regretting allowing the conversation to turn this personal.

A few seconds passed without Nina saying anything.

“I know you’re doing that thing with your face again,” Brooke said, before peeking over the top of her script and letting herself take in the inevitable look of concern the other woman was communicating.

“Nina, I’m fine, I promise. That’s not me anyway.”

Nina didn’t look convinced, but didn’t press the issue any further, much to Brooke’s relief.

“Look. I’ll do the audition,” Brooke conceded, and Nina burst out into applause, the prior topic apparently already forgotten.

—

Brooke stood before Katya Zamolodchikova, Michelle Visage, and Asia O’Hara, who she’d previously learned would be serving as an executive producer and casting director on the movie. The audition had gone well.

Or at least that’s what she assumed from the huge, incredibly white, toothy grin Katya was giving her right now, and she knew her characters better than anyone after all. Asia was also displaying an impressed smile, and Michelle’s suspicious, reluctant expression from earlier was long gone.

“Well?” Brooke Lynn prompted as she crossed her arms, trying not to let on how badly she wanted this role. Normal protocol would mean that she wouldn’t find anything out about her chances until days, weeks, maybe even months later, but nothing about this trio struck her as conventional in their ways.

“I fucking love you,” Katya announced, and Brooke was pretty sure that if she had still been drinking her coffee she would’ve choked on it.

“Obviously,” Brooke commented.

“I’m serious, bitch. I want you to do the chemistry read later this week.”

“Who’s the other girl?” Brooke asked, unable to stop curiosity filling her voice.

“Right now, we’re interested in Vanessa Mateo,” Asia said. Brooke had heard the name a lot in certain circles over the last year or so, but she didn’t think she’d seen her in anything or that she would be able to picture what she looked like. She didn’t keep up enough with latest in Hollywood as much as she used to, didn’t have many close friends in the industry, and it was easy for hot topics to escape her attention.

Later that day, once Brooke got home, she tried to find out as much as she could about Vanessa Mateo. She learnt that she was five years younger than her at twenty four, and was Puerto Rican but grew up in Florida. So far, she had only been in one feature length movie — the biggest indie hit of last year which had even captured Brooke Lynn’s attention with its trailer before she had forgotten all about it.

She also discovered that Vanessa was possibly the most beautiful person she had ever seen, and this was coming from a woman who had worked in LA for over fifteen years. She tried not to dwell on that part as she scrolled through her potential co-star’s wikipedia page, her eyes dropping to the ‘personal life’ section, which said that Vanessa had a boyfriend. In fact, she was still dating her college sweetheart, information which Brooke tried to suppress an eye roll at.

Brooke jumped as she was interrupted by the jarring sound of her phone ringtone; Nina had managed to book her in for a chemistry read with Vanessa for the following Tuesday. Regretfully, Brooke closed her browser tabs and pulled her script from her bag, alongside the shiny new copy of Stars Align novel that she had been presented with at the audition. For once, the feeling of dread that usually preceded Brooke’s work reading was replaced by a tentative sense of optimism.

—

Vanessa had passed the first rounds of auditions. She couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t managed to land anything beyond a few minor TV roles here and there since she got her big break last year, and she was beginning to think that maybe she just wasn’t made for the big screen, no matter how many times her friends had reassured her that she was just being dramatic. She still had the chemistry read to go, but the hard part was over.

“Congratu-fucking-lations, Vanjie,” Silky said as soon as she broke the news, her and A’keria immediately engulfing her in a group hug.

“Don’t jump the gun, bitch, they haven’t cast me yet,” Vanessa replied, struggling to hold back her smile anyway.

“Yet being the operative word,” A’keria pointed out. The trio finally shuffled into Vanessa’s studio apartment, Vanessa having been unable to stop herself from spilling to them before they got inside.

“Have you told Matt yet?” Silky asked, her eyebrows raised questionably. Vanessa sighed, her boyfriend having barely crossed her mind the entire day. She knew that it was natural; they were long past the honeymoon phase in their relationship, and she would just have to accept that they weren’t getting the romance they once shared back. Well, it had never quite been passion and fireworks and roses, but it had been sweet. Fun. Matt was always one of her favourite people to spend time with. She couldn’t say the same thing now, even though she still cared for him. But he had gone above and beyond to support her through her rise to fame, and Vanessa knew that she’d never find anyone as genuine as him again. She’d already dealt with the pain of having people befriend her, only to go on to realise that they were simply in it for her new status and money. What she had with Matt was good, she told herself. She loved him.

“I ain’t telling Matt shit until it’s official. And don’t you do it either,” Vanessa warned Silky with a stern look.

Silky pouted, pulling Vanessa onto the couch as A’keria popped open the first bottle she could find and poured them each a glass.

“We’re so proud of you, sis,” A’keria smiled, raising her champagne.

“To Vanessa Vanjie motherfuckin’ Mateo,” Silky exclaimed, clinking their glasses together.

“Y’all are the worst, I swear. They might pick some other hoe still if this Brooke Lynn chick don’t vibe with me.”

“You’re gonna be in a movie with Brooke Lynn Hytes?! Why didn’t you open with that?!” Silky exclaimed.

“Because! What if she doesn’t want it to be me? I heard she only had to audition one time. Clearly, if it comes down to it, it’s her they’re going with, not me.”

“She’ll love you, Vanj, everybody does,” Silky said.

Vanessa sighed. She knew she was getting ahead of herself with this gig, and that she shouldn’t have shared with Silky and A’keria before she knew anything for certain. It was gonna make it even harder to get over the inevitable disappointment, but she couldn’t help herself.

“Silky’s right. Girl, I’m telling you, that’s not what you gotta worry about. If it’s you and Miss Brooke Lynn… good luck, is all I’m saying,” A’keria tutted cryptically.

“She won’t need luck, have you seen Brooke? The bitch is hot,” Silky added unhelpfully.

“Kiki, don’t be vague. The fuck you talking about?” Vanessa asked, determined to grill A’keria for all she knew about her potential future co-star.

“Well, you know what people say. She’s just a bit of a diva, ice-queen type. You know what, ignore me, it’s probably just some kind of sexist fuckery anyway.”

Vanessa didn’t know what to think. She had seen Brooke in a few things — mostly stuff from years ago that made her a household name — but she knew little about the woman who had brought all of those characters to life. All that she knew was that Brooke Lynn was stunning, that the acclaim her acting received was more than justified, and that she was notorious for being a closed book. It may have not been much, but it was certainly enough to make Vanessa intrigued.

—

Vanessa was more nervous than she’d ever been as she knocked on the studio door at twelve o’clock on the dot, and was greeted with nothing but inaudible murmurs. At a loss for what to do next, she began contemplating her next move, but was quickly pulled from her thoughts as a tall blonde in her peripheral vision caught her attention. She turned towards the woman, who was wearing dark jeans, a grey turtleneck sweater, and had sunglasses sat a top her head. Her bleached blonde hair was styled in a wavy bob, and she was holding a Starbucks cup, her eyes giving nothing away as they met Vanessa’s. Although she was dressed casually, she still managed to have an aura of glamour about her.

“You must be Brooke Lynn?” Vanessa asked, forgoing usual greetings.

“Hi,” Brooke Lynn said nonchalantly as the two women approached each other.

“I’m Vanessa.”

“I know. Just Brooke is fine, by the way.”

“Cool. Nice to meet you, Just Brooke,” Vanessa retorted with a smirk. For a second, she thought she saw a crack in Brooke’s neutral exterior, but it must’ve just been a trick of the light as a millisecond later Brooke was looking straight up unimpressed with Vanessa’s admittedly slightly lame attempt at an ice-breaker. She frowned because damn, it wasn’t that deep. Anyone would’ve thought Vanessa had just kicked her kitty (and Brooke did have a cat — two, in fact. Vanessa had found that out on a desperate google binge the previous night.)

Vanessa glared as Brooke took her phone out of her bag and began frantically typing — probably about how much she already knew she didn’t want to work with the girl she was currently stood with. Vanessa cursed her for making it so awkward between them for no reason.

Luckily, her mind couldn’t spiral for long as the door flung open and Katya greeted the pair, looking far more pleased to see Vanessa than Brooke Lynn had been.

“Ladies! Sorry for the wait. Come on in,” Katya said. Michelle, Asia and a few other crew members that Vanessa didn’t know were also seated in the studio, waiting to witness Brooke Lynn and Vanessa’s energy in action and see if they had struck gold.

The chemistry read went far more smoothly than Vanessa had anticipated it would be after her initial interaction with Brooke. Once Michelle had prompted them to begin, it was as if she had become another person entirely. She went from a completely detached, almost shell of a human, to being suddenly absorbed in her character, and her character’s relationship to the role Vanessa was playing. Brooke was convincing, she could give her that. The scene they were delivering wasn’t a major part of the movie, but the nuances of Brooke’s performances made it almost feel like she really had feelings for Vanessa.

However, it was over almost as quickly as it began, and Brooke reverted back to her real self before Vanessa was even able to process the fact that they were finished.

They were met with glowing praise from their panel of judges, and Vanessa felt a strong sense of pride in what she had accomplished. She tried shooting smiles at Brooke in-between compliments, attempting to lighten the atmosphere between them, but Brooke wouldn’t meet her gaze.

After a few more minutes of talk, they were released with the guarantee that they would find out if they were cast within a few days, maximum. Vanessa had been hoping to catch Brooke outside, maybe ask her to lunch so they could get to know each other, but Brooke stayed behind to talk to Katya, the two quickly becoming engrossed in hushed conversation. Vanessa tried to stop paranoia from getting the best of her, but her suspicions that Brooke had connections on this set were confirming themselves, and most likely Brooke would be the priority if she refused to work with Vanessa.

Though surely, if Brooke didn’t want Vanessa cast, she would’ve just thrown their chemistry read altogether?

Vanessa didn’t know the answer to that. Brooke wasn’t easy to work out.

Defeated, she gave the casting panel one last wave and left the studio — it was clear that Brooke would be hanging back for a while. Vanessa knew the rest was out of her hands and decided to hit up Silky and A’keria for drinks; all she could do now was wait.

—

The call came sooner than expected — later that evening, with Vanessa and her friends in a crowded bar, having spent the rest of the day getting drunk. The conversation with Asia was short and to the point, with Vanessa doing her very best to compose herself and hide her tipsy state. The news that she would, in fact, be working alongside Brooke Lynn almost went right over her head, overshadowed by the sheer realisation that she had done it. She had finally landed the second major role of her career. This was her chance to show the world that she wasn’t a one hit wonder, or a fluke.

“I got the part!” Vanessa all but yelled as she returned to their table, ecstatic, A’keria and Silky smothering her with hugs and kisses and screaming words of excitement and congratulations.

“Yes bitch!” Silky declared, and Vanessa wasn’t sure if it was pride or the alcohol, but she was pretty sure that her friend was tearing up.

“Brooke too?” A’keria asked, standing up to buy them another round.

“Yes, obviously. But who cares about her! Lets celebrate,” Vanessa announced. She’d be lying if she denied that at the very back of her mind, she had no lingering concerns about working with Brooke Lynn. But clearly, the bitch could be professional when she needed to be, and she saw no reason why she’d want to make this hard for the both of them now they were stuck with each other for the foreseeable future. And regardless, nothing could wipe the smile off of Vanessa’s face in that moment. She’d be damned if she was gonna let anyone ruin her night for her.

[martaonthemove]

#153 The Art of Communication and Vulnerability: Offering and Accepting Help During a Time of Loss.

I have been off grid for a bit. I truly haven't felt like writing or podcasting in weeks. My sister passed away from cancer in early April. She fought harder than I have seen anyone fight in my life. I miss her. I see her everywhere. she visits in various ways, it isn't enough and won't ever be. Life is just different now.

There is a giant hole in my heart that cannot be filled. The reason I am back here writing, and talking is because I remember the day I told her I was thinking about starting Marta on the Move. It didn't even have a name yet.

Her words were "Buckle your seat belt, because this is something you were meant to do, something that you won't quit, something that will help others." That is all she ever wanted to do as well. Nina just wanted to help others.

I have thought about quitting often these past eight months, more so the past two. I have felt hopeless, lost, lonely. Words were, and still are impossible to describe feelings of despair. Everything that comes with the grief of losing your best friend, your biggest supporter, the person you always ran to, and was there for you without judgement. It's a rare thing, and makes you realize what you had and lost.

Falling into despair is easy, crawling your way out is hard, but I just keep telling myself that she is here, watching me, urging me on. That I want to make her proud of me, which has always been my motivation. She would be pissed as hell if I quit, or let myself spiral. I can hear her in my head. "Get up, get moving, do what is hard."

The fact that one of my sayings is "Keep it moving, everybody" is funny to me now. I tell myself that everyday to get out of bed, take a shower, take care of myself as best I can. It resonates differently than it did before all of this.

It is impossible for me to write everything down that is going through my brain, but I needed to try. There has been a subject that has swam in my head since her passing. The word "Help" has been in my minds eye constantly. I will say that in the past couple of weeks I have received help, and support that I couldn't believe possible. I am humbled and eternally grateful, but there was a flip side to that as well.

The dictionary states "help" as-

"verb (used with object)

to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist: He planned to help me with my work. Let me help you with those packages.

to save; rescue; succor: Help me, I'm falling!

to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate: The exercise of restraint is certain to help the achievement of peace."

These past weeks I have had SO many people ask me if I needed help. While I was thankful, I was overwhelmed at the same time. I didn't know HOW to let people help me. I didn't know how to articulate exactly how they might help, I also did NOT want to burden anyone, AND I didn't want to seem like I needed help. Loss of control is a big trigger for me that I am working on.

This is what this episode is about because I think it is important. There is a GREAT chasm in terms of communication about this subject. It makes people uncomfortable to ask for help, to reach out in a time of need for it. We just don't know how. We want to help our friends and loved ones when they need it. It makes us feel better to do so, but not knowing HOW makes us feel helpLESS. We don't know how to do it properly because the other person isn't articulating what they NEED.

In this episode I will try and offer my feelings on -

How to let people help you.

How to give or offer help in a way that ACTUALLY helps that person.

Why you should accept help from others.

How to communicate better in ways of giving help.

How accepting help from others, helps them in return.

I will also offer up clear ideas on how to specifically offer help to grieving loved ones. I am in no way shape, or form an expert at this. This is just my experience talking, and others like me. I have received so much feedback from friends on Facebook, and coping with grief groups. For that I thank you tremendously and I will try and do right by all of you. :)

I am determined to tackle this subject, and while I know it will turn off some, or be sensitive to others, I feel it is very important moving forward in this world. Personally, I feel it will help me as well peek at some shadows in my closet I have been avoiding.

We are all suffering from grief and loss. Loss over the way we used to live, loss of a loved one, a job, a dream. We NEED to start communicating, rebuilding our relationships in a way that helps each other, and lifts one another up.

I refuse to live in a world without Nina that isn't trying to be better. We have one life, one shot, and that is so much more acute without her here. You wouldn't meet a better soul than her. I remember her saying when she got sick. "Please, God. If I can help someone else, that is all I ask."

This podcast moving forward will be in honor of "Neen". Because she did help someone, me. In her own amazing way of being her, she has sent me in a direction that is a tad more clear. To help others. Just typing this out is making me feel better, more motivated, giving me life... even if I am crying doing it.

That is why I won't give up MOTM, my crazy ideas, or my uncertain dreams. I am trying to sit in the messy phase of this and rediscover what fills my cup. I want to help people, just like she wanted to. We were going to write a book together, Neen. To help those who going through cancer, and also the support people along side them. So we shall. I promise.

I ask you who are reading this, if you just stumbled upon this journey, or have been in my jitney since it's inception: Be gentle. I am raw, but trying to heal. It is an ongoing process. It is my wish that if you are like me right now, you find some peace, some rays of sunshine, hope, and the support you need.

I also kindly ask that you take a moment to give help to someone who may need it, to reach out, AND that you will ask for it when YOU need it. Maybe this episode will allow you to do so, like it did me. We are ALL in this together.

I love you, sis.

~Your Foos.

PS~ Thank you to those who helped me work out the title of this episode, I could not for the life of me get it right. This is a blend of what other's suggested.

I HAVE NEW SPONSORS! YAY! I have been searching for a WHILE to find the right fit for a collaboration opportunity to be able to support some local businesses, and also help keep the lights on over at MOTM. I finally found them, and like most things in life, they came naturally just looking at products I use everyday. You can take 10% at either of these companies with code "Marta"

My partnership between Marta on the Move and Body Work 412 and Yang Yin Health- has me giddy. Why did I choose them? or did they choose me... hmmm. Here is why-

Matcha from Yang Yin Health

Yang Yin Health- I love matcha and this is some of the best that I have found. If you have been listening to my show long enough you know that I don't drink coffee anymore. The caffeine gave me jitters, and was messing with my sleep and mood. Enter matcha! Pumped full of antioxidants, this ancient green tea actually regulates caffeine on a time release but also adds in a component called the Not all matcha are created equal! Beware some coffee shops using matcha, they have sweetener added in and a bunch of other crap to make it super green. I have tried matcha in every state I stay in, and have only found a handful of coffee companies that use quality matcha that is unsweetened. (Stay away from Starbucks matcha) The best way is to make it at home, use it in baking as well! This company is Pittsburgh based and sources their matcha directly to ensure that you are getting the best quality available. A little goes a long way. Listeners take 10% off their products with code "Marta"

Body Work 412- Know all those major essential oil companies out there? There are A LOT. I have seen so many people push essential oils, and I always kinda laughed at it. Here I am partnering with one! Years ago I receive a massage and reiki treatment from a gentleman named Cullen Magg from 412 Body Work. I studied reiki myself under him, and found out he creates and sources all his products direct from the source. Balms, creams, oils, room sprays and more. I loved each and every one of his products and began realizing that not all essential oils are created equally. You could go through an entire bottle of lavender or frankenscence oil SO FAST and the smell just disappates with other companies. Not with these, they last FOREVER. I have had my oil bottles for years and I use them on rotation every day. Try them and you won't believe the quality. There is not comparison with the other brands. There just isn't. Listeners take 10% off with code "Marta"

Check out this podcast episode!

[studyinglogic]

A self-interview

It is difficult for a man to speak long of himself without vanity; therefore, I shall be short.

- David Hume, My Own Life (1777).

A few people have expressed some interest in knowing about me; this post aims to answer their hypothetical questions. Following Kurt Vonnegut’s cue, this will be a self-interview, in which I ask myself questions and then reply to them.

I answer the following questions: some of them might seem pretentious - but all of them are questions I’d like to ask people, and all of them are questions I thought people might want to ask me.

What’s the most important thing to know about you?

What subjects do you know about most?

What are the most important things you’ve learned in life?

What routines do you have?

How do you decide what to post on tumblr?

What do you post about on tumblr? How did you gain this knowledge about it?

Are there any artistic/literary/musical works you’d want people to see/read/listen to?

Who are the people you admire most?

What are the most important concepts for people to know?

What is your favourite characteristic in people?

Which artists do you listen to?

Which non-fiction authors do you enjoy? Which fiction authors do you enjoy?

Would you change anything in life if you could redo it?

What areas would you like to learn more about?

What are your hopes for the future?

What would you like to change about yourself?

What are your main interests?

What are some works which can take us into your mindset?

What’s the most important thing to know about you?

I’m the kind of person who brings an umbrella on a sunny day.

What subjects do you know about most?

Mostly philosophy and theoretical computer science. I’m always trying to learn more mathematics and economics.

What are the most important things you’ve learned in life?

That I must make choices before I am forced into them, and that I must accept the consequences of my choices.

“It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.”

Tradeoffs are inevitable, and I will have to make them.

Train by recall, not recognition. (Make learning harder.)

Focus and do a little every day.

Think for the long-term.

Self-cultivation by daily routines is necessary. To paraphrase Agatha Christie from Death Comes as the End, there is always growth, in one direction or the other: if you do not grow better, you grow worse.

Just start, and correct your work later. If I wait for the perfect moment, I’ll never get anything done.

It’s bad to do what’s easy just because it’s easy. Is this making me happy, or productive, or helping me grow? If not, I should do something else.

I try to be graceful.

What routines do you have?

I drink two glasses of water in the morning after I wake up, eat breakfast within an hour of waking up (preferably thirty minutes), and try not to use social media until the afternoon, keeping the mornings free for myself. I also try to sleep by 11.00 to 11.30.

I was inspired by this passage from the Wikipedia article on Lagrange:

Lagrange was a favourite of the king, who used frequently to discourse to him on the advantages of perfect regularity of life. The lesson went home, and thenceforth Lagrange studied his mind and body as though they were machines, and found by experiment the exact amount of work which he was able to do without breaking down. Every night he set himself a definite task for the next day, and on completing any branch of a subject he wrote a short analysis to see what points in the demonstrations or in the subject-matter were capable of improvement. He always thought out the subject of his papers before he began to compose them, and usually wrote them straight off without a single erasure or correction.

How do you decide what to post on tumblr?

I post things which interest me. I try not to post things based on how many notes it’ll receive.

Very roughly, I have three types of posts. Formal posts on mathematics or academia, posts linking different ideas together, or posts on popular culture. If I post something on popular culture, it’s probably something that’s recently come to mind: tumblr is useful as a way of recording my thoughts.

If it’s a post linking different ideas together (for example, Feynman and Tu Fu), it’s because I found a nice connection which I’d like to record. I think part of having a good memory is linking different thoughts together. Even if the connection is tangential, it helps.

I try to be as clear and explicit as possible in my writing, in part inspired by Asimov. Communication is already so difficult in person that I try to avoid any ambiguity in my writing.

I try not to post ephemeral content - I only post what I’d still want to see in three years time (or more). Of course, what counts as ephemeral to me is different from what counts as ephemeral to others.

What do you post about on tumblr? How did you gain this knowledge about it?

When I first started, I used to post about logic and mathematics. I reduced posting about those things when I realised that writing about logic on tumblr actually decreased my productivity. (It was too easy to get distracted.) My answer to the question above gives an indication of what I post on tumblr.

Some I learned in university, and some I read on my own; I am also lucky to have friends who teach me many things. In my free time I look up syllabi for topics I am interested in, read biographies, and find forthcoming books from academic publishers such as Oxford, Cambridge, MIT, and College Publications.

Having said that, this isn’t meant to boast: of course there’s much knowledge I lack, and I’d like to go deeper into many fields. I focus on mathematics, computer science, and economics.

Are there any artistic/literary/musical works you’d want people to see/read/listen to?

While I like certain works, I can’t say that I’d unreservedly recommend them to everyone. The one exception is Donald Richie’s Japanese Portraits, which I cannot recommend enough. Side note: I’ve been meaning to read more Dostoyevsky and Hesse.

Who are the people you admire most?

On the technical side, I like the work of applied logicians: people like Johan van Benthem, Nina Gierasimczuk, Sven Ove Hansson, David Makinson, Eric Pacuit, Rohit Parikh, Raymond Smullyan, Yanjing Wang, and others. On the personal side, I admire people who are kind, honest, and intellectually curious.

What are the most important concepts for people to know?

A whole smattering of basic concepts: opportunity cost, the placebo effect, criteria for theory choice, basic probability and logic, how models are used in science, deep work, wu-wei, the importance of growth, minimax regret, and so on.

What is your favourite characteristic in people?

Honesty. Nearly every fault is forgivable if someone is honest with me about it. Intellectual curiosity is another plus.

Which artists do you listen to?

Bach (especially his English Suites) for my orderly side, Shostakovich (especially his string quartets) for my disorderly side, and Oasis for my pop side. I especially like their song The Masterplan. 

I do not in general have favourite artists - I only have favourite songs.

Which non-fiction authors do you enjoy? Which fiction authors do you enjoy?

My favourite non-fiction authors include the applied logicians mentioned above, Simon Leys, James Gleick, Steven Cahn, Steven Krantz, Sima Qian, Confucius, and Zhuangzi.

I also enjoy reading biographies. My favourites so far are Gleick on Feynman and Farmelo on Dirac. The next ones I’d like to read are Soni and Goodman on Claude Shannon, Roberts on John Conway, and Paquet on Simon Leys.

My favourite fiction authors include Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, Raymond Smullyan, Borges, Italo Calvino, and Luo Guanzhong. I read the Three Kingdoms as a child, and it has stayed with me all my life.

In general, however, I do not have favourite authors. I have favourite works, such as Foundation, the Three Kingdoms, and Invisible Cities.

Would you change anything in life if you could redo it?

Sometimes I wish I didn’t study philosophy as my main subject, but that I studied mathematics with philosophy on the side instead of the other way round. But I only came to that conclusion because I’ve done philosophy, and now wish to study other fields! Having said that, I don’t regret doing philosophy: it exposed me to many areas I wouldn’t otherwise know. It’s great for breadth of knowledge - now I’d like to gain some depth.

What areas would you like to learn more about?

Theoretical computer science and mathematics. On the personal side, productivity, memory training, cycling, and knitting. I also keep intending to learn Lojban, but so far I haven’t done anything with it - there are always other things to do.

What are your hopes for the future?

To keep learning and growing, both in knowledge and self. To gain more skills.

What would you like to change about yourself?

To have greater focus, growth and self-cultivation.

What are your main interests?

Formal methods, especially as applied in multiagent systems and social software. Applied logic, decision theory, game theory and epistemic logic, linear logic, agent-based modelling, and security protocols are yet more interests.

What are some works which can take us into your mindset?

Personal:

There are three broad classes of books here: books which shaped my view on life, books on growth, and books which shaped my attitudes. There is some overlap between the three. I end with some non-books.

My philosophy of living (if I have such a thing) can be summed up in the following books:

The Tao is Silent, by Raymond Smullyan.

The Way of Chuang Tzu, translated by Thomas Merton.

Happiness and Goodness, by Cahn and Vitrano.

The Hall of Uselessness, by Simon Leys.

There does not always need to be a purpose to things; a tree grows in its own way. In general, I like stoic philosophy and Confucianism for their emphasis on self-cultivation. (Having said that, I don’t agree with everything they say. But I certainly do agree with the parts on self-cultivation.)

Speaking of self-cultivation, I’m enjoying Cal Newport’s work and Designing Your Life by Burnett and Evans.

I have certain sensibilities which came from the next three books.

The Romance of the Three Kingdoms, attributed to Luo Guanzhong.

The Records of the Historian, by Sima Qian.

Japanese Portraits (earlier published as Geisha Gangster Neighbor Nun), by Donald Richie.

I read the first two books in my childhood, and have been rereading them ever since. (They are both so massive that you can read them again and again without boredom - but their very size makes me unable to recommend them to people.) These books shaped me in a way difficult to describe: an aversion to power, a sense of humanism, a realisation of the power of language. Richie’s book is a series of delicate vignettes.

For non-books, Wes Anderson’s The Grand Budapest Hotel and The Masterplan by Oasis.

Technical:

Now for some of my technical interests!

The article “Logic in the Community” by Seligman, Liu, and Girard is a fairly accessible introduction to using logic to model social situations. The books below give a pretty good indication of my interests. 

Discourses on Social Software [pdf], edited by Jan van Eijck and Rineke Verbrugge. Probably the best introduction to what I like and why I like it.

Epistemic Game Theory, by Andrés Perea.

Any book on multiagent systems (whether it’s by Wooldridge, Shoham and Leyton-Brown, or the Weiss edited collection.)

Logic in Games, by Johan van Benthem.

The Handbook of the Philosophy of Information, edited by Adriaans and van Benthem. The Routledge Handbook of Philosophy of Information also looks good from the table of contents, but I haven’t had the chance to look at it in-depth yet.

Reading in this field requires some knowledge of game theory and formal logic: Giacomo Bonanno has a textbook on game theory, and P. D. Magnus has a good textbook on logic (modified by Tim Button). My favourite modal logic textbook is van Benthem’s Modal Logic for Open Minds.

For more recommendations, see Marcus Hutter on Ai and Peter Smith on logic.

I’m still looking for a good book on security protocols! Suggestions are welcome.

This post was prompted by @the-axiom-of-hope: thank you for asking about me, and it’s always nice to be appreciated.

In the prompt post I was asked to tag other people: I’d like to know more about @bowtochris, @theparsologist, @transientpetersen, @thousandmaths, @hamliet, @linkspooky,  @jebus0, @dataandphilosophy, @semantictheory, @lambdaphagy, @argumate, @matan-matika, @ambivalencerelations, @eka-mark, @mathcatalog, @mathionalist, @notthedarklord42, @jadagul, @nostalgebraist, @sufficientlylargen, @twocubes, @light-rook, @superclassical and @the-axiom-of-hope. (Yes, you were the one who originally tagged me, but I’d like to know how you’d answer these questions.)

For the people I’ve tagged, you can answer the same questions I answered, or just some of them, or you can do your own thing, or you can (of course) not participate. Whichever you choose to do, thank you for your contributions. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts.

[contradictoryenigmas]

2018 Postmortem: 10 Questions

Hi there. It has been quite a while since I last wrote anything on Contradictory Enigmas.

*Looks at Tumblr dashboard, sees it has been over five months.*

Yeah. I would like to say the lack of posts is due to me being busy with life and moving on up. But it turned out that 2018 would be slightly worse than 2017. I’m not going to fully dive into the reasons why, but let’s just say that uncertainty played a huge role during the year. Still, I wouldn’t say that the year turned out to be a complete trash fire. I had to do some deep looking and thinking to find the bright spots, but they were there.

To cap off the year here on the blog, I’m going to revisit an exercise that I did last year: Looking through the past year through the lens of ten questions. You can check out the one I did for 2017 here.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

The majority of my work on the freelancing side of the fence was mostly news and new car reviews/previews. I didn’t write much in terms of feature and opinion pieces as I was lacking the creative urge and energy. Looking at my list of ideas and drafts on my computer, most were either blank with the title or had something written before running out of steam.

There was one piece that did make it out of this drought. Last month, I published a piece talking about how I drove a 707 horsepower Grand Cherokee Trackhawk somewhat efficiently. It was something that I hadn’t done in quite a while; taking a vehicle out of its element and see how it would fare.

Here on Contradictory Enigmas, there are a few pieces that I’m quite proud that I was able to get out.

Barnes & Noble Pre-Postmortem allow me to look at a place that I enjoy shopping. Seeing the local store in the somewhat poor state when I wrote the piece in late winter was quite depressing. It has been slowly getting slightly better, but there are still various issues with the main office. This is a topic I would like to revisit in the coming year.

#QuitFacebook allowed me to put on my devil’s advocate hat on and consider a different angle on the mess that erupted in the spring. The piece really helped begin the process of stepping away from the platform.

I got to talk about my weird fascination with watching old Weather Channel clips on YouTube. It was surprising how much of a retro trip this was as I told the story of how I used to watch it while sitting in the back bedroom of my Grandmother’s house. I still do watch those old clips from time to time or put it on in the background to provide some ambient noise.

Dealing with a World on Fire is a piece I look at time and time again. It is a reminder to me that it is ok to step away from the world at large and take care of yourself - something I have been a doing a lot since the summer.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

This is the hardest question for me to answer this year as at first glance, there wasn’t much that I would be considering being a *Top Five* moment. But doing some deep thinking brought forth some.

Finally finding and seeing a psychiatrist

Going out to various dinners to try new foods

Being invited to two automotive press events towards the end of year

Publishing some blog pieces that started from a writing journal

Working to give me more space to relax

What are you really glad is over?

Aside from 2018 in general? I know I said that last year, but I feel that it still stands.

As I mentioned in the beginning, uncertainty played a huge role. It felt like I was getting all of these various issues with work, money, health issues, and life beginning to stack up like a Jenga tower. I kept waiting for the one piece to cause the tower to topple over. But somehow, this tower somehow stood tall.

As the year is coming to a close, the uncertainty I’m been dealing with has come down a fair amount. Not to point where I can put it behind, but at least it isn’t front and center like it was for the majority of the year

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

Like last year, it is a mix of good and bad.

On the bad, I wasn't able to accomplish many of the goals I had set out to do. I wasn't trying to accomplish anything big or impossible*. Many of the goals were small such as trying to mediate, eating slightly better, getting out of the house more, etc. But various factors that were out of my control would conspire and cause me not to accomplish many of these things.

It has also been tough to sit down and actually watch a movie/TV show. I can't remember the last time I was able to relax and focus on something that wasn't on YouTube. Nothing against YouTube, but I've been trying to figure out why it was possible for me to binge through a number of videos, but cannot do the same with Netflix or what I have on my media server.

For the good, I have been re-diagnosed** with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). That may seem a bit strange, but it helps explains some of the issues I have been dealing with such as not being able to focus on one task, having my mind wander, forgetting various things - the list goes on. I've started to see a psychiatrist and been put on some medication to help me get various aspects under control.

Another good point is how much I have been trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. I have been trying to say yes to doing more events. Recently, I went to a special dinner with my parents that featured a fusion of Chinese and Vietnamese cuisine. The food was amazing and I was shocked by how much I enjoyed. Calling myself a picky eater is an understatement and something I've been trying to work towards over the year.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Somehow I was able to keep applying to jobs. Doing this is very stressful because you don't know if you will hear anything; begin second-guessing whether or not everything is just right; wonder whether if its worth the time and effort being put in, and dealing with rejection. That's before the madness of the interview process.

I made a lot of progress in how I write my resume and cover letters; expanded my searches, and become somewhat decent in interviews. Hopefully, this pays off in 2019.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

That it is ok to let things go. Whether it be ideas for possible stories, a book that I’m not enjoying, or someone on social media that is annoying me, you can put them off to the side to either revisit another or just put down and walk away. This has been tough as I’m one of those people who tries to see things through the end, which can result in something in disappointment. But I’m slowly making progress on this.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?    

My therapist has been a big help throughout the year. Without her encouragement, I wouldn’t have gone out and get psych evaluation to determine whether or not I had ADHD. This has also been the place where I have I spilled my guts on various thoughts and events that have happened. Seeing her helps me get a better understanding of myself.

The other people are some close friends that I try to talk on the phone every month or so. One of the downsides of working at home is the lack of interaction with other people. I wish I could get out more, but various issues and other stuff prevent me. The calls with the small group of people help me feel somewhat connected to the world

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

Ni No Kuni 2: I spent so much time playing this RPG, over 80 hours during the fall. Everything about this game from the story, characters, and music just clicked with me. The Studio Ghibli art style really makes the game stand out. I cannot wait to dive back in once the DLC comes out and sink more time into it.

The Nakano Thrift Shop by Hiromi Kawakami: Delving into the lives of workers in a thrift shop may not seem like a good starting place for a book. But Kawakami makes the characters from the store owner that is reflective and philosophical about the about the world to the clerk who is just trying to figure out who she is. Reading through this book, I felt like I could sit down and enjoy the conversation going on while looking at the various goods.

Hammer Head: The Making of Carpenter by Nina MacLaughlin: This book made me want to get out and build/fix something because of the pleasure of doing something physical. Being able to see something to come life before your eyes that you created.

What will you be leaving behind in 2018?

Trying to feel responsible for everything. This has been brought to the light by all of the various uncertainties that 2018 has decided to drop on my head. I know that my personality likes to have control and know what is happening to give me some ease, but life doesn’t work like that. I’m slowly accepting that a lot of things are just out of my hands and it is ok.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2019?

My focus for the beginning of the year is to get myself back on track and get things in order. This includes some financial, health and personal stuff. Once I reach a point that I feel everything in order, then I will return to something that I mentioned last year.

The big goal for 2018 is figuring out who the hell I am.  In 2016, I felt that I lost the knowledge of who I was. Sure I am a human who is in their late 20s and writes about the auto industry and other bits. But other than those pieces, everything else about myself seemed to fade into black.

This past year has seen me pick up the various bits and pieces of myself in an effort to figure out who I am. It’s a complicated puzzle where I have some of the pieces and trying to piece them together. There are a number of pieces that are missing - they could be somewhere else waiting to be unearthed or have faded away.

Next year is where I begin to put the puzzle together by working with the pieces that I have and also creating new ones to help fill in the gaps. I know that I will never be able to complete the puzzle, but I want to feel like that I have made some significant process, not starting at a giant pile and wondering what should I do.

It is a very ambitious goal, but my plan is to break this up into small pieces. Trying new hobbies, getting out of the house more, putting myself in somewhat uncomfortable situations where I have an easy way out, etc.

That’s my 2018 in a nutshell. A bit of bad, but there were some good parts.

*You can make the reasonable argument that trying to figure out who I am was a bit ambitious for 2018. My plan at the time was to do various small things over the course of the year that would build up towards the overall goal. **Re-diagnosed? Yes. I was originally diagnosed with ADHD when I was about three to four years old.

[whenthemarshmallowmettheslayer]

Favorite fics you ever written?

Warning this a long post because I've written a lot of fics.

For Harry Potter:

1.) The Definition of Good. Summary:  After Chamber of Secrets Harry gives Dobby a place to stay. Everything changes.

2.)  Keep it simple, keep it safe. That's all you can do when it's too late. Summary: Harry smiled; it didn't reach his mom's eyes. "There's no need to call me sir professor," Harry quipped once again. This Harry knew. This Harry could take and dare he say it? Liked. Or rather, he liked it compared to the alternative despite his hatred towards the greasy haired wizard before him.

(Harry can't help but remember the chocolate cake slices and hours of looking at photos of Mrs.Figg's cats, the warm - to the point he feels as though they may burn him - embraces from Mrs. Weasley, Dumbledore's soft spoken promises and words that might as well be empty, of Sirius' offer of Harry living with him just gone in a blink of eye because he fell into a veil Harry's godfather could not come out of.)

For Percy Jackson:

1.) I scream too loud when I speak my mind. Summary: Percy Jackson does not accidentally vaporize his pre-algebra teacher and everything else that happens afterward. (I've actually loved writing all the parts of the series but I'm only including this one.)

For Death Note:

1.) To be a Queen. Summary: It's that the queens (Misa, only Misa, because Misa the idiot sees what no one else sees. L says he doesn't swing that way but L wants Light, Kira, but Light is Kira therefore the other king. So duh he can't be L's queen no matter what that pevert wants.) in chess are the most powerful pieces despite the kings (Ryuzaki and Light) being the most important. Because without the king (Kira and L) there's no game, if you defeat the other king you win; Kira wins and he will.

2.) Game over. Summary: Instead of replying to baby Kira Matt takes the cigarette out of his mouth and with a smile (it's weird to smile because Matt never really smiles and it's probably a real ugly ass sight to see) throws his last cigarette onto the Death Note.

Game Over, he thinks and just walks off without so much a word. He wonders briefly what's next. With Light it's easy (boring even). He'd follow his dear dad's footsteps and become a police officer. Probably the best and maybe he'll meet L. Those two assholes deserved each other, Matt decided, but what about him?

(Or the universe gives Matt a restart after dying and he sadly uses his last cigarette on the Death Note.)

For Tokyo Ghoul:

1.) There's a ghost in my lungs. Summary: A series of non-linear conversations where Haise learns about his past, how he became who he was, and people that Kaneki loved. (Haise time travels to the beginning of Tokyo Ghoul. I've only posted one chapter so far.)

For Jessica Jones/Alias:

1.) Rest in pieces our youth (so we might glue it back together again). Crossover with Spiderman Homecoming. Summary: Jessica Campbell and Peter Parker are least likely of friends ever since Jessica came back to school.

For Fullmetal Alchemist:

1.) I've got questions. Summary: Edward smiled thinly, something viscous but not ugly (never ugly, not when it came to her) was the look in his feral eyes.

"Rose," gently, Ed thought, like she was Al or Winry when they were doing stupid shit, "that was a list that represented the complete chemical makeup of a human body for the average adult. It had been calculated to the last microgram, but still there has never been one reported case of successfully creating a human life."

Some people put their faith in gods to be able to live their life; some, like him, lived their life to achieve a goal. There had once been a time when Ed use to pray with mom. He had even prayed after mom had died but had stopped a long time ago.

It wasn't the constant frustration of loose ends (till now, Edward thought, Cornello's ring on his mind). No, he had stop praying even before that. It wasn't even the bastard's sharp jabs that were constant; always there as though Edward would ever let himself forget. What an idiot; how'd that man ever become a Colonel? Besides obviously burning children and women to death that corpses he climbed on to get to the top of the military.

2.) (What is) insanity but the ability to draw the perfect circle? Summary: There's a creak in a board behind him and he whirls around, hands ready to clap. It's Scar. Again there is a difference. Well differences technically. That makes his hand hover, pausing him from clapping. Scar, wearing glasses while inside on a rainy day, stares at the sight before him.

He should take a picture. It'll last longer.

"Are you Edward Elric the Fullmetal State Alchemist?"

Maybe it's because someone has actually him if he's Edward that he answers honestly. "No."

Or Edward is okay with suggesting to partner up with Scar to kill his Fuhrer (who might not be a homunculus in this universe) but isn't okay with Nina going in the rain and getting a cold.

For Star Wars:

1.) Love of a daughter. Summary: "and yet, so far at least we have yet to figure out what you gain from this." It's a question as well as statement. A chance to explain, to come clean on why she - a unknown Sith- had assassinated they're precious, beloved Chancellor (what fools). But how could you come clean when there is so much blood on her hands? Never-mind the sins and blood on Vader and Luke's when her family had been alive.

When she answers it's not because she's announcing her transgressions in hope that her heavy, dirty soul might be saved. One couldn't repent when they didn't feel guilt in their sin.

"For the love of a daughter." Leia pauses and looks back at Anakin and thinks: I did this to avenge you. After thinking that Leia says one more thing - the last thing actually because she nothing else to say after this.

"And you should have been more careful electing your Chancellor. You never know who is Sith." This has double meaning but she's the only person who knows it.

And she's fine with that (no, she isn't).

Leia wonders if her younger self and Luke will ever become the monsters like her Luke had been and the monster she is.

2.) When dreams come true (which they often do when Anakin Skywalker dreams them). Summary:It happens in the day, in the light. A dark masked man with heavy breath that was killing the slave owners and freeing the slaves. No one - not even the Hutts, who were now dead- could stop the droid looking man.

That doesn’t surprise Anakin though. Anakin had seen the stranger’s blade that coated the sands with different colors of blood. A red lightsaber. The man was a Jedi and he had come to free them.

(Or young Anakin's dream comes true just not in the way he dreamt it.)

3.) Nobody does it like Artoo. Summary: Because the droid had just killed Chancellor Palpatine. The man who was the closest thing Anakin had to father.

“Artoo please tell why you just killed Chancellor Palpatine?” He asks, in soft calm voice. He needs to keep a level head. Needs to be the Jedi many claim he cannot be. Deep breathe in. Deep breathe out. He could be calm when all he wanted to do was try to find the person who responsible for rewiring Artoo and show him/or her why it was a bad idea to touch his droid and make his droid kill a person he loved.

Artoo beeps his answer and Ana-

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN PAlPATINE IS DARTH SIDIOUS AND THAT YOU’RE FROM THE FUTURE!?”

4.) Of time travel and relationship blocking. Summary: But he knows the universe is better off by Artoo's travel in time. Palpatine is dead. Artoo had killed the Sith Master that had destroyed too much of his humans’ lives. There was no Empire and Darth Vader did not exist. The twins were raised by their creators. All was good except Leia was coming to age of no longer a child yet not an adult.

Which meant other human boys were becoming attracted to future Senator. Human boys who were not Han Solo. It was becoming rather frustrating - to the point Artoo felt like rolling into a wall- but at least Anakin agreed that these human boys did not belong with his creation. (Sequel to the fic above. Never did write more chapters for this fic but I do adore it.)

For Star Trek:

1.) I appreciate your enthusiasm, but Kodos will not be in this production. Summary: This was not how Jim imagined telling Bones about Tarsus IV. Actually that was a lie. Jim had planned to never tell Bones about Tarsus IV. But so is the life of Jim Kirk (also known as James T. Kirk, JT, Captain, and t'hy'la to Spock and Ambassador Spock who both had yet to tell him what that word meant. A childish part of Jim thinks that Hoshi would tell him if she was still alive before his mood darkens. The memories - the guilt - of that day flashes before his eyes and God does Jim hate drugs.).

2.)  Logically speaking. Summary: "Say mother had been," there had been a pause as Spock tried to find the right words to convey his question, "say mother went through unnecessary strife during her adolescent years and somehow you ended up in the past. Do you allow for her to face this to persevere an already faulted timeline or do you save her?"

By then, Amanda had made her way to her husband side so she could look into Spock's eyes. The question was odd and admittedly out there but her son's eyes said otherwise. Spock's eyes could be compared to an open book and that book told Amanda that this somehow was serious and her son was torn.

(Or the backstory on how Spock sort-of got permission from his father to steal a ship from the Vulcan Science Academy through Amanda Grayson's eyes.)

3.) I prefer to have my nightmares with open eyes. Crossover with Black Butler. Summary: Jimmy, JT, James Tiberius Kirk (whoever the hell he truly is) knows what it's like to adapt just to stay alive, to be whoever he needed to be just to survive. Just to eat.

It makes him laugh and JT doesn't know this but he reminds the demon (Sebastian he once was called and will take the name, the mask, of once again) of another young boy who the world had destroyed. Who had laugh a bitter laugh because that was all he could do. Crying, after all, did nothing. (Maybe one day I will write that Shinigami!Jim fic. If I ever do I will gift it to ShortyKatezey.)

4.) I need you, I need you, I need you right now. Don't leave me alone. Summary: It doesn’t matter in the end that this universe’s blue eyed James T. Kirk isn’t Spock Prime’s Jim. He still feels Jim-so familiar to his Captain, his Admiral, his Jim, his thyla yet so differnet, so angry, so broken - death.

It should have been me (it had been him in his universe) is Spock’s first thought after he momentarily gets over the wave, the crash of emotions he feels. His next thought is: I am not fine. (This is Spock Prime reacting to Jim's death in Into Darkness.)

5.) Of bored school boys and a death god. Crossover with Death Note. Summary: Ryuk drops the Death Note and a bored but brilliant beyond his years teenage boy picks it up. Sound familiar? Except it's not. JT is many things but a God complex isn't one of them.

For The Vampire Diaries:

1.) When did you dance with death? Summary: When did they all die? When did this become their lives? Was Damon to blame? Stefan to be blamed? Was Katherine to blame? Or Klaus to blame? Were Klaus' parents to blame for trying to keep their kids alive and eventually making them into monsters? Whose to blame for the fact they're all murders instead of simply, normal teenager?

And you know what? They're going to be dead for sure instead of just their morality and innocence having kicked the bucket. There's no vampire blood in their system that could cure them from what Klaus will inflict; Katherine ran from Klaus for hundreads of years and her family was slaughtered just because she wanted to live. They had killed Kol - Klaus' own brother - and trapped him with the burnt corpse.

2.) Revenge is best served with condoms. Summary: "I know who you are. You're the tasty little thing my older brother has come to truly fancy." Tasty little thing. Caroline froze; those words replaying in her head except in British accent (the only accent she truly had thing for).

For Yuri on Ice:

1.) The downside of love. Summary: Soulmates that share the bruises on their other's skin can have a downside if you haven't met them yet. Katsuki Yuuri learns this the hard way.

[sherristockman]

Large-Scale Study Proves High-Fat Diet Promotes Health and Longevity Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola Mitochondria — the tiny energy factories within your cells — generate adenosine triphosphate (ATP), the energy currency your body needs to run its systems. Your mitochondria are also responsible for apoptosis (programmed cell death), and serve as important signaling molecules that help regulate your genetic expression. Hence, the state of your mitochondria plays a key role in health and disease. Once your mitochondria become damaged and dysfunctional, your energy reserves decrease, leading to a wide variety of symptoms, some of the most common being headache and fatigue, and leaving you increasingly vulnerable to degenerative diseases such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes and neurodegenerative decay. Unfortunately, mitochondrial damage is more the norm than the exception these days, thanks to the prevalence of processed food diets, inactivity, lack of sun exposure and excessive exposure to toxins and non-native electromagnetic fields from cellphones, routers, cellular towers and more. All of these factors contribute to mitochondrial dysfunction. On the upside, your body can regenerate and renew, regardless of your age — provided it has the proper fuel to do so. A ketogenic diet — which is very low in net carbohydrates and high in healthy fats — is key for boosting mitochondrial function. Healthy fats also play an important role in maintaining your body's electrical system. When your body is able to burn fat for fuel, your liver creates water-soluble fats called ketones that burn far more efficiently than carbs, thereby creating fewer reactive oxygen species (ROS) and secondary free radicals. Ketones also decrease inflammation, improve glucose metabolism1 and aid the building of muscle mass.2 International Study Confirms Fat for Fuel Premise The benefits of a cyclical ketogenic diet are detailed in my latest bestselling book, "Fat for Fuel."3 While the book was peer-reviewed by over a dozen health experts and scientists, a new large-scale international study (known as the international Prospective Urban Rural Epidemiology, or PURE, study4,5 ) adds further weight to the premise that high intakes of healthy fats — especially saturated fats — boost health and longevity. As reported by STAT News:6 "Its research team recorded the eating habits of 135,000 adults in 18 countries — including high-income, medium-income, and low-income nations — and followed the participants' health for more than seven years on average. Among the PURE participants, those with the highest intake of dietary fat (35 percent of daily calories) were 23 percent less likely to have died during the study period than those with the lowest fat intake (10 percent of calories). The rates of various cardiovascular diseases were essentially the same across fat intake, while strokes were less common among those with a high fat intake. Upending conventional wisdom, the findings for carbohydrate intake went in the opposite direction. PURE participants with the highest carbohydrate intake (77 percent of daily calories) were 28 percent more likely to have died than those with the lowest carbohydrate intake (46 percent of calories)." Low-Fructose Diet Significantly Reduces Liver Fat in Mere Days In related news, another recent study found a reduced-sugar diet lowered liver fat by more than 20 percent in just nine days — a reduction co-author Susan Noworolski called "unprecedented." Processed fructose found in soda, fruit juices and processed food is a major contributor to nonalcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), a condition affecting an increasing number of children. In the past two decades, NAFLD among children has more than doubled. According to lead author Jean-Marc Schwarz, "Our study clearly shows that sugar is turned into fat, which may explain the epidemic of fatty liver in children consuming soda and food with added sugar. And we find that fatty liver is reversed by removing added fructose from our diet." NAFLD raises your risk for Type 2 diabetes. Conventional advice recommends a low-fat diet for Type 2 diabetics, but this and other research refutes that strategy.7 On the contrary, a high-fat, low-carb diet has been shown to improve both blood sugar levels and blood lipids.8 Dr. Robert Lustig (who was not involved in the study but has investigated the role of fructose in disease for many years) commented on the results, saying, "Many people think that fructose provides empty calories. But no, they are toxic calories because they are metabolized only in the liver, and the liver turns the excess into fat." American Heart Association Has It All Wrong In June, the American Heart Association (AHA) shocked health conscious individuals around the world by declaring coconut oil dangerous and urging people to switch from butter to margarine to protect their heart health.9 According to the AHA, replacing saturated fats with polyunsaturated fats such as margarine and vegetable oil might cut your heart disease risk by as much as 30 percent. This is a remarkable statement when you consider that margarine and refined polyunsaturated vegetable oils10 have been scientifically identified as the fats that actually DO cause heart disease and other health problems, whereas saturated fats have been exonerated. Vegetable oils are particularly hazardous in cooking, as they produce toxic oxidation products like cyclic aldehydes when heated. They're also high in damaged omega-6 polyunsaturated fats. In large amounts, these fats cannot be burned for fuel. Instead, they're incorporated into cellular and mitochondrial membranes where they are highly susceptible to oxidative damage. In short, margarines and vegetable oils are a recipe for metabolic and mitochondrial dysfunction, and there's nothing heart healthy about that! The AHA's Presidential Advisory was sent out to cardiologists around the world, not just to those in the U.S. Overall, the AHA now recommends limiting your daily saturated fat intake to 6 percent of daily calories or less11 — a far cry from the 50 percent or more most people actually need for optimal health. However, it quickly became apparent that the AHA had carefully cherry-picked outdated data to support an outdated view.12 In fact, the AHA bases its ancient recommendation on decades' old studies. The four studies they decided to focus on all date back to the 1960s and early 1970s — the eras when the low-fat myth was born and grew to take hold. Moreover, none of these four studies actually involved coconut oil, which means the AHA is flat out making false claims when it's identifying coconut oil as a dangerous fat. Nutritional science has made significant strides since the '70s, and studies have repeatedly refuted the idea that high-fat diets promote heart disease. The featured study above is just the latest in a long string of such studies. Why Is the AHA Clinging to Outdated Science? As for why the AHA would choose to ignore decades of scientific studies showing saturated fats have no impact on heart health is anyone's guess, but the timing of this bold vegetable oil promotion does coincide with news about a vaccine to lower cholesterol.13,14 If people would simply eat healthy saturated fats like coconut oil and butter, there would be no need for a vaccine strategy. Of course, there are other financial incentives as well, not to mention the basic reluctance to admit they've led nearly two generations of people astray with their advice, possibly harming millions. As noted by Nina Teicholz, an investigative journalist and author of "The Big Fat Surprise: Why Butter, Meat, and Cheese Belong in a Healthy Diet:"15 "To me, the AHA advisory released in June was mystifying. How could its scientists examine the same studies as I had, yet double down on an anti-saturated fat position? With a cardiologist, I went through the nuts and bolts of the AHA paper, and came to this conclusion: It was likely driven less by sound science than by longstanding bias, commercial interests and the AHA's need to reaffirm nearly 70 years of its "heart healthy" advice … That the AHA should be so resistant to updating its view of saturated fats, despite so much legitimate science, could simply reflect the association's unwavering devotion to a belief it has promoted for decades. Or it could be due to its significant, longstanding reliance on funding from interested industries, such as the vegetable-oil manufacturer Procter & Gamble, maker of Crisco … More recently, Bayer, the owner of LibertyLink soybeans, pledged up to $500,000 to the AHA, perhaps encouraged by the group's continued support of soybean oil, by far the dominant ingredient in the "vegetable oil" consumed in America today." Mitochondrial Metabolic Therapy Based on the evidence, there's no doubt in my mind that saturated fats are vitally important for optimal health. Most people need to eat more of it, not less. In my book, "Fat for Fuel," I expound on why these kinds of healthy fats are so important, and how implementing a cyclical ketogenic diet may help you address a wide array of ailments. More than just a diet book, "Fat for Fuel" presents a complete Mitochondrial Metabolic Therapy (MMT) program, complemented by an online course created in collaboration with nutritionist Miriam Kalamian, who specializes in nutritional ketosis. The course, which consists of seven comprehensive lessons, teaches you the keys to fighting chronic disease and optimizing your health and longevity. If you or someone you love has cancer, it will also augment any oncological treatment you might be undergoing. >>>>> Click Here

[bintaeran]

Yoga and Recovery

Yoga and Recovery Nina Zolotow by Richard B

Quiet Pond in the Park of Appeal by Gustav Klimt

The first thing that comes to mind as I write about yoga and 12 Step Recovery is equanimity.  My name is Richard B. I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I am addicted to substances I haven't even tried. As a child of the 60's I started drinking at 16. At 18 I discovered marijuana and various other available mind altering substances. I barely made my way through college, graduating in 1974. I drank and used a variety of drugs. I then “shaped-up” a bit as I thought about my future and had a better experience in law school, graduating in 1977. I passed the bar exam and started a law practice in 1978. I was married in 1980. We had daughter in 1982 and sons in 1984 and 1986. But my success as a young lawyer fueled my sense of power and I used cocaine from 1981-1996, drinking and smoking weed all the while.  Cocaine use ended abruptly in 1996 when the fellow that I was buying from got arrested. The idea that I could just stop as I did fueled another and different sense that I did not have a problem. For the next two years life was simple—there was not much drinking and weed seemed okay. But in 1998 I was injured and introduced to narcotic pain relief. For the next eight years I was on the train of narcotic pain medication, and I shopped on the internet and from various doctors. In 2005 I had surgery, which gave me license for more drugs. I used alcohol and marijuana to detox from the narcotics so many times that I cannot put a number on it.  In November of 2005 my father had a precipitous psychiatric crash and a feigned suicide attempt. I was angry—this was the first time I could recognize anger. This allowed me to start on the road to recovery. Ten months later I saw a psychiatrist to determine, from my thought process, if I was destined to turn out like my dad. Then, on September 18, 2006, I saw a doctor and told him the truth about my drug and alcohol use for the than last 36 years. I was taking what I now understand was a fifth step (a “Fearless and Moral Inventory”) by telling the doctor the honest truth. Miraculously, the compulsion to drink and use was than lifted. He advised me to go to AA. I did, and I have remained sober, drug and alcohol free since September 18, 2006.  My journey into yoga as a way of life came about two years into sobriety when my son, who was a student and practitioner of the Iyengar method, offered a solution to a physical ailment with specific asana. I was hooked. I sought out local Iyengar teachers and started to go to many classes. I was overweight, stiff, and knew nothing about what I started. But although I began the journey to yoga through asana, I started to become interested in what Mr. Iyengar had to say. So I started reading on the internet and also read Iyengar’s books, including Light on Life, Sparks of Divinity, and Light on Yoga. I also studied Gheeta’s Yoga for Women and watched many videos to learn about the method.  I also read various iterations of the Yoga Sutras and rely on Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali by Mr. Iyengar. I feel that my understanding of these materials is basic at best as I continue to learn and practice the yamas and niyamas as the daily focus at this time. I have had a meditation practice that comes and goes but I remain okay with what is.  But reading and studying yoga philosophy brings me to a deeper understanding the 12 Step program. The 12 Step Program is called a journey—a path—a marathon that is ever changing. As I come to understand the spiritual aspects of yoga I am comforted by the experience of growing in yoga. A good yoga teacher is like a 12 Step Sponsor—they will show you, guide you, encourage you, and make suggestions. These are individual journeys guided by someone who has been there before. But no more can we practice yoga with a teacher by our side all the time than can we practice the 12 Steps with our sponsor constantly at our heels.  With this understanding, I can find a peaceful acceptance in respect to my abilities as a student of yoga and a 12 Stepper. This (sometimes fleeting) sense of calmness is what I mean by equanimity. Can I go to a higher-level yoga class and be okay with younger men and women taking poses in a more traditional alignment with less or no props? Can I participate honestly in 12 Step Meetings and not feel better than or worse than others? The 12 Step and Yoga path are very similar in this respect and my answer today to both questions is an unequivocal yes.  Expressed in one-word characterizations, the principles of Recovery’s 12 steps include: Honesty, Hope, Faith, Courage, Integrity, Willingness, Humility, Brotherly Love, Justice, Perseverance, Spiritual Awareness, and Service. In the Program of Recovery outlined by the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there are what we call dozens of promises—things that we can be assured of if we take certain action. “The Promises” state: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. "Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." —Big Book of AA, pgs. 83-84 Practicing yoga with mindfulness in respect to the Yoga Sutras and the yamas and niyamas has provided for me similar promises and freedom. I can go almost anywhere in Mr. Iyengar’s “Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali” for a corollary to the principals of the 12 Steps. For example, in program we speak to character defects, which, in a nonreligious sense, may be equated with the seven deadly sins. An alcoholic may be angry, violent, dishonest, greedy, covetous, jealous, or glutinous to varying degrees. Sutra II.30 says: "Non-violence, truth, abstention from stealing, continence, and absence of greed for possessions beyond one’s need are the five pillars of yama." In program, we practice honesty, service to others, giving without expectation of reward or recognition, and wanting what we have as opposed to wanting something else or more. The disease of addiction has been said to be a disease of perception—wanting something other than we have—wanting more of what we think we need. Once we have what we call a spiritual experience—a psychic change—our whole outlook on life changes. We become accepting of the world the way it is: “right sized” as we say in program. Not better than others, not worse—we become workers among workers. When the principles of the 12 step program began to appear similar to what I was learning about the yamas and niyamas, I began to see where the principles of yoga philosophy aligned with what I was doing in recovery. The yamas as precepts for social discipline and the niyamas as touchstones for individual discipline are illustrative: Yama-asteya (non-stealing): While this may seem as simple as don’t be a thief, I find that it equates much to program suggestions of step 9 of making amends—make things right where we have harmed others. Many alcoholics stole the peace of mind of family, for example. In my case I stole my children’s mother from them. Their mom, in worrying about me, was not free to be herself. I also stole a present dad from their lives. In making amends, we admit our wrong and change our behavior—sometimes no small order after perhaps decades of self-indulgence.  Niyama-svadhyaya (self study): Spiritual self-education and the contemplation and application of the spiritual principles and literature of our chosen paths. Because I choose to take the yogic and recovery paths, I study both recovery literature and yoga philosophy. Now ten years plus in recovery, I continue on the lifelong journey of both recovery and yoga. It requires, for me, a daily application of action by staying involved in my recovery with meetings, sponsorship, and the sponsorship of other men in recovery. I go to several meetings every week. I actively sponsor those who ask to be sponsored. Today I am free. I ask for and accept help. My yoga practice is a daily practice as well. I read the literature of yoga, go to classes., and practice at home. I am blessed with a well-appointed studio at home with yoga ropes and a variety props. Props are an ever-expanding idea as at nearly 65 years old I appreciate the opportunities that props allow me to learn asana. And I plan on taking teacher training as I come to retirement of a 40-year law practice as I want to teach yoga if there is a place for me to do so. Some of the benefits of the asana work and philosophical studies include that seemingly, otherwise elusive, sense of peace and well-being or equanimity. Spiritually, yoga allows me to rest easier in the moment without regret or self-pity. It is only now—now will be different soon enough. I am assured by all of this that the horizons yet seen are brighter than I could imagine. As Mr. Iyengar states:  “Yoga allows you to find a new kind of freedom that you may not have known even existed.” ― B.K.S. Iyengar, Light on Life  Alcoholics Anonymous promises similar freedom. I am grateful. Subscribe to Yoga for Healthy Aging by Email ° Follow Yoga for Healthy Aging on Facebook ° Join this site with Google Friend Connect Yoga and Recovery http://ift.tt/2sDOuy1 themostdangerous1 http://ift.tt/2s4uyHo via IFTTT

[souhayla-bellil-universe-blog]

Why “All Too Well - Taylor Swift” Is since I heard it for the 1st time my favourite song

Music is a universal expression of beauty made up of a diverse number of genres and it is prevalent in all cultures. Songs are simply poetry put to music and while all genres of music have different styles and sounds, they all share a similar purpose to evoke emotion and passion. The song “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift tells the story of the innocent beginning of a relationship that eventually falls apart, but is hard to forget. Swift co-wrote this song with Liz Rose in 2012 for Taylor Swift’s fourth album Red and it is one of my favorite songs on the album. For me, this song’s meaning lies in the individual stories it tells about a relationship that began with simple memories that look like photographs in retrospect. It conveys the importance and potency of love as well as how difficult love is to forget once it goes away. It is no secret that people are drawn to music for many different reasons. It is one of those art forms that almost everyone can relate to in some shape or form. Whether it is listened to as background music at a gathering of friends or family, or performed live in front of thousands of people, music is everywhere. Songs can consist of happy sounding melodies that make you want to drop everything and dance, or they can have sad, depressing lyrics about loss and heartache. For me personally, I like songs that tell stories and that have lyrics that are relatable to my life. Listening to an album like Red, in my opinion, is like reading a book about someone’s life. Each song speaks to a different emotion and has its own meaning, but they are all interconnected in a way because they each convey something personal about the artist. The song “All Too Well” is one of my favorites because it has such raw emotion. In an interview about her album when it first came out in 2012, Taylor Swift explained that “All Too Well” was the first song she wrote for Red and that for her, it was the “hardest song to write emotionally” for the album. After listening to the song for the first time, I could see why this could be true. She explained it as being “a really emotional song because it [shows] you why loss is so painful because it was once good and you can remember it.” The simple guitar chords in the beginning of the song have a sad sound that set the tone for the rest of the song. The first verse narrates a scene at the beginning of a relationship between two people. The girl is at her boyfriend’s sister’s house and Swift sings that although the “air was cold,” “it felt like home somehow.” The word “home” suggests comfort and warmth in contrast to the coldness of the air. Home is not just a physical place, but it can also be a state of mind. This lyric suggests that being with someone you love can bring about feelings of comfort associated with “home.” The first verse also foreshadows a later part of the song when Swift sings that the girl leaves her scarf at her boyfriend’s sister’s house and how he still has it “even now,” suggesting that a considerable amount of time has elapsed since the beginning of their relationship to when the song was written. The second verse describes the guy’s “sweet disposition” and the girl’s “wide-eyed gaze.” The word choice used makes me think of the excitement a little kid has in a candy store full of sweets and suggests a certain level of innocence. It also describes how they are “singing in the car getting lost Upstate” while “autumn leaves [fall down] like pieces into place.” The idea of “getting lost” and driving without direction can be interpreted as a metaphor for falling in love because there is no set of rules or maps when it comes to being in a relationship. It just happens. Also, the fact that this scene occurs during autumn is significant because it is the season of new beginnings and is symbolic of the development of this new relationship. The idea that leaves fall on the ground like pieces of a puzzle can be alluded to the way the initial “pieces” of a relationship are put together as memories are created. The next line, “I can picture it after all these days” indicates that this memory is still vivid even after a long period of time. Furthermore, the first line of each chorus begins, “’Cause there we are again…” and ends “I remember it all too well,” but each chorus recounts a different memory. The first chorus is about when the two people in this relationship were driving in a car together and how the guy almost ran a red light because he was distracted as he was admiring his girlfriend. The second chorus describes a situation when they were dancing around the kitchen in the middle of the night, lit by the glow of a refrigerator. Although these memories are simple and unassuming, they effectively define their relationship. The final chorus is different than the previous two in that it does not narrate a specific scenario, but it recalls the time when the girl, who is the narrator of the song, loved her boyfriend. It was the time before the guy in the relationship “lost the one real thing [he’s] ever known.” This implies that their love was the only genuine he has ever had and now that their relationship is over, it is gone. This is pretty powerful stuff! Additionally, the third verse describes a time when the girl was with her boyfriend and his mom and they were looking back on old pictures of him was he used to wear glasses and play tee ball. His cheeks turned red in embarrassment as his mom told stories about him as a boy. The line, “You tell me ‘bout your past, thinking your future was me” implies that they both thought they would always be together and that someday they would look back on memories of their own. This line exposes their relationship as something that was meaningful and as something that could have been long lasting. In the next part of the song, the music builds and becomes more intense between the second chorus and the next verse. When Taylor performs this song live, she dramatically flips her head back and forth as she plays the piano and the emotion of the song really heightens when she sings, “And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece ‘til you tore it all up.” The use of the word “maybe” is significant in this particular verse because Swift suggests two different causes for the downfall of their relationship. One, being that they got “lost in translation,” implying that the meaning was lost from a relationship that used to be based on love, and the second being that she “asked for too much” out of the other person. It is as if their love used to have its own language that only they could understand, but once they started to grow apart, this language was lost. When someone asks too much of someone else, it usually means that their expectations were too high of the other person and that they failed to live up to unrealistic standards. When Swift compares their love to a “masterpiece” that was torn up and left to shreds, she implies that their love was once beautiful, but has gone to waste. The next verse is the most emotional, climactic point of the song when Swift sings “You call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.” This part of the songs gives me chills every time I hear it because of the language used and because of the sheer genuineness of lyrics. To “break someone like a promise” suggests that relationships built on trust and devotion are fragile. They can be destroyed over something as simple as a telephone conversation. When something is broken, it goes from being whole to being fragmented into pieces, much like the way someone’s heart can be metaphorically broken once love is lost. The line describing the guy as being “casually cruel in the name of being honest” is the most poetic lyric in the song, in my opinion, because the idea that someone can be honest while being unintentionally cruel at the same time is so true. Brutal honesty can be hurtful at times, especially in situations when it involves terminating a relationship. The phrase “casual cruelty” reminds me of Nina Auerbach’s essay, “Alice in Wonderland: A Curious Child,” when she states, “Alice’s attitude towards the animals she encounters is often one of casual cruelty.” Similar to the vicious manner in which Alice treats the creatures in Wonderland as inferior beings, the guy in this relationship breaks the bond with the one who loves him in a disingenuous way, while ironically attempting to be honest. This leaves the narrator of the song feeling like a “crumpled up piece of paper” feeling worthless, which refers back to the comparison made about how their love was like beautiful masterpiece that got torn up. This suggests that their love was once everything and once it ended, the narrator is left feeling empty and broken. Moreover, the next verse begins by referring to time and how it can by “paralyzing.” This concept insinuates that the narrator of the song cannot move on from the loss of their loved one and that their love cannot be forgotten. It contradicts the cliché phrase “time heals all wounds” because in this instance, time is frozen and serves as a handicap. The line “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it,” means that when the guy left, he took with him a big piece of the person he left and that even after all this time, she still cannot remember how to be the person she once was. When Swift sings about “plaid shirt days and nights when [he] made [her his] own,” she recalls the comfort that their love used to bring her and how easy it all was. It is similar to the emotion described in the first verse about how he made her feel at home when they were together. The next line, “Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone” explains how the guy ended their relationship in an impersonal way, almost like a business deal. He mailed back all of his girlfriend’s belongings as if they never had anything between them and now she suffers with loneliness and sadness from no longer being in a relationship that was once good. Furthermore, unlike the recorded version of the song, when Taylor performs “All Too Well” live in concert, she stops and takes a dramatic pause, looking out into the audience with an expression as if she is about to cry before she sings the next verse. This pause adds an important element to the song because it emphasizes the strong emotion and vulnerability she feels when she sings these lyrics. In the following verse she sings, “But you keep my old scarf from that very first week” (which refers back to the first verse of the song when she left her scarf at her boyfriend’s sister’s house) “’Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me, You can’t get rid of it because you remember it all too well.” These lyrics reveal that the guy who broke their relationship apart remembers their love just as intensely as she does and that the scarf serves as an important symbol of their love that is too difficult to forget. The scarf represents the innocence they had during the start of their relationship and the fact that the guy cannot get rid of it is significant because it verifies that he remembers everything just as clearly as she does. It is the only thing he keeps, but it is important because the purpose of a scarf is to bring warmth. Therefore, just as he brought feelings of comfort and safety to his girlfriend, the guy experienced similar feelings of security and comfort when he was with her. The final verse of the song contains flashbacks to previous lines of the choruses of the song and describes how both people in the relationship remember their love “all too well.” The line “wind in my hair” refers to when the guy almost ran the red light when they were driving. “Down the stairs” refers to when they danced around the kitchen in the middle of the night. These moments are like photographs that are burned in their memories. Lastly, “it was rare” refers to their love and how real, true love is hard to come by. The last line of the song, “I remember it all too well,” once again emphasizes the overall premise of the song that trying to forget someone you once loved is no easy task. In my life, music is my go-to form of therapy. It helps me to get through the good days and the bad ones and reassures me that I’m not alone. My favorite songs are ones that tell real stories about life because they are the most relatable and convey genuine emotion. I have heard that humans are especially attracted to sad songs. I think this is true because they cause people to feel deeply since sadness is such a complex emotion. Taylor Swift’s song, “All Too Well” is no exception. It is a beautifully sad and tragic song that pays special attention to the specific details of a relationship that used to be meaningful. The lyrics make you stop and think about how drastically things can change was love goes away.

[martaonthemove]

#153 The Art of Communication and Vulnerability: Offering and Accepting Help During a Time of Loss.

I have been off grid for a bit. I truly haven't felt like writing or podcasting in weeks. My sister passed away from cancer in early April. She fought harder than I have seen anyone fight in my life. I miss her. I see her everywhere. she visits in various ways, it isn't enough and won't ever be. Life is just different now.

There is a giant hole in my heart that cannot be filled. The reason I am back here writing, and talking is because I remember the day I told her I was thinking about starting Marta on the Move. It didn't even have a name yet.

Her words were "Buckle your seat belt, because this is something you were meant to do, something that you won't quit, something that will help others." That is all she ever wanted to do as well. Nina just wanted to help others.

I have thought about quitting often these past eight months, more so the past two. I have felt hopeless, lost, lonely. Words were, and still are impossible to describe feelings of despair. Everything that comes with the grief of losing your best friend, your biggest supporter, the person you always ran to, and was there for you without judgement. It's a rare thing, and makes you realize what you had and lost.

Falling into despair is easy, crawling your way out is hard, but I just keep telling myself that she is here, watching me, urging me on. That I want to make her proud of me, which has always been my motivation. She would be pissed as hell if I quit, or let myself spiral. I can hear her in my head. "Get up, get moving, do what is hard."

The fact that one of my sayings is "Keep it moving, everybody" is funny to me now. I tell myself that everyday to get out of bed, take a shower, take care of myself as best I can. It resonates differently than it did before all of this.

It is impossible for me to write everything down that is going through my brain, but I needed to try. There has been a subject that has swam in my head since her passing. The word "Help" has been in my minds eye constantly. I will say that in the past couple of weeks I have received help, and support that I couldn't believe possible. I am humbled and eternally grateful, but there was a flip side to that as well.

The dictionary states "help" as-

"verb (used with object)

to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist: He planned to help me with my work. Let me help you with those packages.

to save; rescue; succor: Help me, I'm falling!

to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate: The exercise of restraint is certain to help the achievement of peace."

These past weeks I have had SO many people ask me if I needed help. While I was thankful, I was overwhelmed at the same time. I didn't know HOW to let people help me. I didn't know how to articulate exactly how they might help, I also did NOT want to burden anyone, AND I didn't want to seem like I needed help. Loss of control is a big trigger for me that I am working on.

This is what this episode is about because I think it is important. There is a GREAT chasm in terms of communication about this subject. It makes people uncomfortable to ask for help, to reach out in a time of need for it. We just don't know how. We want to help our friends and loved ones when they need it. It makes us feel better to do so, but not knowing HOW makes us feel helpLESS. We don't know how to do it properly because the other person isn't articulating what they NEED.

In this episode I will try and offer my feelings on -

How to let people help you.

How to give or offer help in a way that ACTUALLY helps that person.

Why you should accept help from others.

How to communicate better in ways of giving help.

How accepting help from others, helps them in return.

I will also offer up clear ideas on how to specifically offer help to grieving loved ones. I am in no way shape, or form an expert at this. This is just my experience talking, and others like me. I have received so much feedback from friends on Facebook, and coping with grief groups. For that I thank you tremendously and I will try and do right by all of you. :)

I am determined to tackle this subject, and while I know it will turn off some, or be sensitive to others, I feel it is very important moving forward in this world. Personally, I feel it will help me as well peek at some shadows in my closet I have been avoiding.

We are all suffering from grief and loss. Loss over the way we used to live, loss of a loved one, a job, a dream. We NEED to start communicating, rebuilding our relationships in a way that helps each other, and lifts one another up.

I refuse to live in a world without Nina that isn't trying to be better. We have one life, one shot, and that is so much more acute without her here. You wouldn't meet a better soul than her. I remember her saying when she got sick. "Please, God. If I can help someone else, that is all I ask."

This podcast moving forward will be in honor of "Neen". Because she did help someone, me. In her own amazing way of being her, she has sent me in a direction that is a tad more clear. To help others. Just typing this out is making me feel better, more motivated, giving me life... even if I am crying doing it.

That is why I won't give up MOTM, my crazy ideas, or my uncertain dreams. I am trying to sit in the messy phase of this and rediscover what fills my cup. I want to help people, just like she wanted to. We were going to write a book together, Neen. To help those who going through cancer, and also the support people along side them. So we shall. I promise.

I ask you who are reading this, if you just stumbled upon this journey, or have been in my jitney since it's inception: Be gentle. I am raw, but trying to heal. It is an ongoing process. It is my wish that if you are like me right now, you find some peace, some rays of sunshine, hope, and the support you need.

I also kindly ask that you take a moment to give help to someone who may need it, to reach out, AND that you will ask for it when YOU need it. Maybe this episode will allow you to do so, like it did me. We are ALL in this together.

I love you, sis.

~Your Foos.

PS~ Thank you to those who helped me work out the title of this episode, I could not for the life of me get it right. This is a blend of what other's suggested.

I HAVE NEW SPONSORS! YAY! I have been searching for a WHILE to find the right fit for a collaboration opportunity to be able to support some local businesses, and also help keep the lights on over at MOTM. I finally found them, and like most things in life, they came naturally just looking at products I use everyday. You can take 10% at either of these companies with code "Marta"

My partnership between Marta on the Move and Body Work 412 and Yang Yin Health- has me giddy. Why did I choose them? or did they choose me... hmmm. Here is why-

Matcha from Yang Yin Health

Yang Yin Health- I love matcha and this is some of the best that I have found. If you have been listening to my show long enough you know that I don't drink coffee anymore. The caffeine gave me jitters, and was messing with my sleep and mood. Enter matcha! Pumped full of antioxidants, this ancient green tea actually regulates caffeine on a time release but also adds in a component called the Not all matcha are created equal! Beware some coffee shops using matcha, they have sweetener added in and a bunch of other crap to make it super green. I have tried matcha in every state I stay in, and have only found a handful of coffee companies that use quality matcha that is unsweetened. (Stay away from Starbucks matcha) The best way is to make it at home, use it in baking as well! This company is Pittsburgh based and sources their matcha directly to ensure that you are getting the best quality available. A little goes a long way. Listeners take 10% off their products with code "Marta"

Body Work 412- Know all those major essential oil companies out there? There are A LOT. I have seen so many people push essential oils, and I always kinda laughed at it. Here I am partnering with one! Years ago I receive a massage and reiki treatment from a gentleman named Cullen Magg from 412 Body Work. I studied reiki myself under him, and found out he creates and sources all his products direct from the source. Balms, creams, oils, room sprays and more. I loved each and every one of his products and began realizing that not all essential oils are created equally. You could go through an entire bottle of lavender or frankenscence oil SO FAST and the smell just disappates with other companies. Not with these, they last FOREVER. I have had my oil bottles for years and I use them on rotation every day. Try them and you won't believe the quality. There is not comparison with the other brands. There just isn't. Listeners take 10% off with code "Marta"

Check out this episode!