#so when people who didn't grow up that way judge you for things you may have said or done in your past due to that influence

[theangrypomeranian]

"you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" feels like something an ex Christian would say to someone who didn't grow up in any kind of religion

[astarion-obsessions]

I think not enough people understand that Astarion doesn't want you to be his main or only source of blood. This even stands in direct contrast to what he really wants to achieve with biting Tav. Let me explain.

Why Astarion doesn't want you to be his blood bag

Let me start with explaining how I approached this topic. First of all, when I triggered the bite scene in my playthrough, I obviously let Astarion drink from my Tav. But then I got curious. What happens when I don't stop him? He's said I could trust him just a moment ago, didn't he? So I did just that, I trusted him literally with my life. 

Aaaand... he killed me. Well. What did I expect from a vampire, really. But that he actually drained me dry broke my heart. I really wanted to trust him, to reach out and show him that I didn't judge him for what he was and so on. I was really disappointed in him and couldn't quite grasp why he would do this. Was it a conscious decision? Did he lose control? Surely he would apologise and explain everything to me once someone resurrected me, returning the trust I was giving him the night prior, right?... right?

Of course not. The dialogue after him killing Tav was... at least as disappointing as him killing Tav in the first place. He shows his usual attitude, apologises half-heartedly and then just keeps going on with talking about draining the occasional bandit. He even snaps when you mention the topic of him feeding after that with something like "I already apologised, what more do you want?".

There's no real regret, no emotions. He simply doesn't care.

We know that he didn't care in the beginning, he tells us as much when he confesses his unwanted, growing feelings towards Tav in act 2. But still the whole bite scene didn't sit right with me until…

The Nightmare 

I randomly stumbled upon a clip of Astarion having a nightmare, so I researched about it and even started an Astarion run to experience it myself. So, if you play as Astarion, at the second long rest of act 1 he has a nightmare about Cazador, in which he recites the rules that defined how Astarion and the other spawn had to live:

First, thou shalt not drink of the blood of thinking creatures. 

Second, thou shalt obey me in all things. 

Third, thou shalt not leave my side unless directed. 

Fourth, thou shalt know that thou art mine. 

However Astarion reacts to this dream, he jolts awake afterwards and instinctively panics that he needs to find a way back to his master as soon as possible. His eyes set on his companions, who are sleeping / meditating peacefully around the fire, and then a thought passes his mind.

He could try to break one of Cazador's rules right then and there. He's able to stand in the sun, to bathe in running water, so maybe…

And that's why he decides to bite a companion. Astarion wakes up utterly terrified of what his master will do to him if he doesn't return to him in an instant - and he knows all too well what kind of horrors would await him if he so much as dares to think about rebelling again (read about that here) - so he is in desperate need of confirmation that he is now able to withstand and actively break the rules that have dominated his life for two centuries.

He needs to know that he is able to drink the blood of a thinking creature. And there they are. His clueless companions served on a silver platter. It's like an invitation to him, to test his boundaries. And who would be more fitting than the good hearted leader of the party Astarion wanted to (or already has) seduce(d) anyway?

This piece of information shed a whole new light on the bite scene. But let's look a bit closer at that. 

The Bite Night 

The very first thing Tav registers about what's going on with Astarion that night is him baring his fangs right above us, about to sink them into our flesh. He pulls back as soon as we open our eyes, retreating immediately until there's a safe distance between him and Tav. 

This may be the first time Tav gets to know that Astarion is a vampire, so he gets defensive and tells us that he's never killed a person for food, only animals. But then, instead of letting the idea of feeding on Tav go, he insists that animals aren't enough. 

But it's not enough. Not if I have to fight. I feel so weak. 

If I just had a little blood, I could think clearer. Fight better. Please. 

Then he goes on, literally pleading to get what he wants while putting on a sad expression in the end, even averting his gaze. 

And if we now have in mind that he just woke up from a nightmare about Cazador, feeling powerless and in desperate need of even a glimpse of hope that he might escape Cazador's cruel grip, his lines make a lot of sense. He's veiling the truth, of course, but not all of what he says is a lie. 

He indeed feels weak - powerless in fact - so drinking Tav's blood (the blood of a thinking creature) could prove that he may have regained a bit of power over himself, which had been exclusively reserved for Cazador the last 200 years. This would absolutely make him feel stronger, more confident than he's felt for a long, long time. 

And he indeed could think clearer after tasting Tav's blood, because this would bring clarity to the question if he is now able to break Cazador's rules on purpose and therefore give him information to work with when he needs to think about what to do next. 

Right after this, we get the chance to push into Astarion's mind, and if we do this, we can see what he thinks about. 

His mind opens up, revealing cracked and quivering memories. At their heart, you see dark eyes, commanding you to feed. 

You open your mouth and bite down. Not into a tender neck, but in the twisting body of a rat - the only thing your master lets you eat. 

He recalls the memory of how his master used to force him to eat disgusting vermin. As his memory is told, we can clearly see how deeply this affects him, for he can't keep up his walls of defensiveness and detachment. They just crack, crumble and reveal his misery clearly for Tav to observe. When we ask him about it directly afterwards, he first seems to search for a way out - a witty remark, anything - but gives up almost immediately. And he looks and sounds just completely defeated and tired, confirming what Tav just saw in his mind. 

He goes on with talking about trust. I think here he's seeing a chance to gain Tav's sympathy. If he already reveals such delicate information about his past, he can as well make use of it. So he appeals to Tav's understanding, offering us that this past is the reason for him only trusting Tav slowly. But then he immediately adds that now he trusts Tav, and that in return Tav can trust him, too. 

What he does here is displaying himself as pitiful, gaining Tav's sympathy, then seemingly going out of his way and saying that despite all he does trust Tav, which puts Tav in the position to follow suit with returning the trust… which Astarion definitely lied about on his part. But that's what he does. Manipulating. 

If we then respond with "You tried to bite me. How can I trust you?" instead of assuring us of his trustworthiness with more manipulation, he gets frustrated. 

Because we don't have a choice! Not if we're going to save ourselves from these worms. 

But he goes on with masking his reasons, even if he gave us a hint right in the beginning of act 1 when we picked him up, where he said that he would rather control the tadpole instead of removing it. If we play as Astarion, it gets clear pretty fast that he holds onto the tadpole, because it seems to be the only thing that had been able to "save" him from Cazador whilst no one and nothing else even attempted to help him for two centuries. Of course he would not want to get rid of the tadpole just like that. But he says so nonetheless to align with Tav's goals and display himself as useful. 

And then he does something interesting. 

I need you alive. You need me strong. 

Please. Only be a taste, I swear. I'll be well, you'll be fine, and everything can go back to normal. 

In the beginning of this conversation he mentioned he needed the blood to fight better. Now he takes up on this by saying that Tav needs him strong, hinting on him getting stronger after having a taste of Tav's blood. And then he promises that after this "everything can go back to normal", which right now means Astarion feeding on animals again. 

A few things about this are odd. 

Firstly, "only be a taste". Everyone, literally everyone has heard about the insatiable hunger of vampires. So how is it supposed to work that Astarion gets stronger from just a taste of Tav's blood? For how long? A few hours? Not nearly long enough to pose a real advantage, eh? For me this makes no sense. And if we think about his true intentions - wanting to find out if he can break Cazador's rule - just a taste would be absolutely enough. (And after he bites Tav without killing them, he even says that he needs something more filling!) 

Secondly, if Astarion really wanted to become stronger with the help of Tav's blood, why would he promise to go back to normal afterwards? He just offered Tav a stronger companion but then immediately nullified this argument by literally saying that this will be a one time arrangement. 

Thirdly, he subtly offers a bargain. "You give me your blood, I will be a stronger fighter for you." He did so in the beginning as well, repeating it with different words. And it fits his character very well to do so, because for all he knows everything comes with a price. He almost gets beaten to death and Cazador mercifully comes to his rescue? The price is a never ending life of torment and abuse. Astarion helps a potential victim for Cazador to flee? The price is a year of starvation, locked up in a dusty and dark tomb without knowing if it will ever find an end. Mindflayers rescued him from Cazador, (passively) granting him to possibly be free of him at last? The price is becoming a tentacled monster in the end. 

If we then allow him to bite us, he's visibly surprised about our graciousness, but of course doesn't let this chance slip and suggests getting comfortable instantly. Then he finally gets to sink his teeth into Tav's neck. This part of the scene can more or less be viewed from both sides - Astarion's and Tav's. 

He begins to feed on Tav and after a bit we can decide to interrupt him, but have to pass an ability check first. This repeats a second time when playing Tav, and even if it's only one AC when we play Astarion and decide to bite a companion, it still aligns, showing that Astarion seemingly loses himself in the taste of Tav's blood - which is very likely because (as he later tells us) we were the first humanoid he's ever fed on, so it's imaginable that Tav's blood must be tasting almost divine to him. 

This theory is supported by his actions after we fail the first AC or just let him continue. He grabs the back of Tav's head to pull them towards himself, emphasising on how greedy he is sucking the blood out of Tav. The camera even uses the exact same angles before failing or skipping the first AC and after, so the comparison is easy and the difference is clear:

If we then fail or skip the next AC, Astarion just drains us dry… And it gets even better after the bite night. 

The Morning After 

When Tav gets revived and then talks to Astarion, he is visibly surprised to see us, after he left the dead body of Tav behind with saying "Oh no, something terrible has happened". Sure Astarion, something… 

All of this happens when Astarion still doesn't care for Tav. He reacts with panic when we confront him with the fact that he literally killed us, and just manages to get his expression under control after a few seconds. I mean, just look at him:

'Killed' feels like a strong word. Not many corpses have your vigour. 

He definitely knows what he's done, and that 'killed' is indeed the right word for it, he is just very very bad at coping with guilt (which is amazingly analysed by thelikesoffinn - definitely read this, you'll understand Astarion so much better after this). 

He instantly lays the focus on our codependency again, that we need each other and so on. If we question why we should keep him around, he answers with:

A strong, well-fed vampire? I'm a powerful weapon - you'd be a fool to toss me aside now. 

With mentioning this, he wants to make sure that Tav will let him stay by their side and therefore grant him protection. 

But more importantly he continues:

Anyway, last night was an aberration. It will never happen again. 

He doesn't even start with something like "Next time I'll be more careful" or anything similar. He straight up says that it will never happen again. Period. If we then ask who he will feed on next time he gets hungry, he presents the idea of feeding on villains and bandits "who need killing anyway". And this is exactly what he wants. This even shows in his reaction to Tav's response to his suggestion.

If we agree and therefore allow him to feed on our enemies ("Sounds good. Glad we could agree"), this is how he reacts:

As am I. I'm starting to feel a little peckish already. 

This itself doesn't sound all too enthusiastic, but we get his approval up, which definitely shows that he very much likes that Tav agreed. 

On the contrary, if we suggest he can feed on Tav, ignoring his will wish to feed on villains ("Look, I'm not against you feeding on me, but only if we talk about it first"), this is his reaction:

Of course! This sounds eminently reasonable. 

I shall wait patiently until you suggest we… dine together. 

Doesn't sound too bad either, eh? But we don't get his approval. He doesn't disapprove, of course, because this is still a thousand times better than what he had until then, but still not what he really wants… 

So, what does all of this mean for the initial question? 

Conclusion 

The crucial point here is what it means for Astarion to feed on Tav. The only things he remembers since Cazador turned him, are being relentlessly dominated and horrifyingly abused. The things Astarion wants the most are to be safe and to finally have control over himself again. 

He bit Tav for the sole purpose of finding out if he can be free of Cazador's rules. So why would he jump right into being dependent on Tav? He suggests to feed on villains, because then he is free of anyone's mercy. He doesn't need to rely on Tav to graciously allow him to get a drop of blood. He can do this himself now. 

This is such an important step for his character growth, to find the way to his autonomy again, so if we only allow him to feed on Tav, it instantly sets him back into old habits of bowing to his masters words - or in this case Tav's. Because it's all hes been doing for the last two centuries of his life. 

So, as much as the thought of the self-sacrificing offer to be his personal blood bag may seem romantic or whatever, it's actually the exact opposite, trapping Astarion in what he desperately tries to escape from. The restrictions that come with someone dominating him mentally and physically. And as I mentioned earlier, he doesn't believe in the goodness of people. For him every "kind" act has a price and he likes to know what he has to pay, so he wouldn't even want to just drink Tav's blood without Tav getting anything out of it. He would most certainly expect Tav one day to come around with something he doesn't want to give or do, so he wants to control such situations beforehand. 

All he wants is to make his own decisions and be free in every way possible… 

So please just let him drain some bandits, will ya? 

[darsynia]

The Smoke That Roams (post-apocalypse AU Bucky/Reader)

MCU MASTERLIST | lmk if you want to be tagged for Bucky fics!

Summary: You and Bucky find each other after the world almost ends

Length/Warnings: 3,080 | sex, allusions to violence

Notes: I tagged this on AO3 as 'romance and survival soaked in metaphor,' lol. It's post-apocalyptic angst. Stop typing, Darsy.

Excerpt:

You weren’t afraid of him, you realized. You were afraid for him. He was a supersoldier, but he wasn’t immortal. Bucky often went off by himself without saying anything to you--but what if someday he didn’t come back? 

A pillow landed on the queen sized bed beside yours, followed by a blanket, followed by Bucky, who threw himself onto his back beside you with as much care as he’d tossed everything else. He was so warm you could feel the heat radiating through the space that separated you, even though none of it carried through to his tone.

“You’re safe. Go to sleep.”

It was… exactly what you needed.

The Smoke That Roams

You used to compare him to a solid, cold hunk of metal. Non-reflective but uncorroded, with a metaphorical melting point so high it’s practically unreachable. A weapon when thrown but otherwise safe, foundational, inexpressive.

That was before he touched you.

Bucky Barnes is not safe. He is expressive, though. Just not with words.

now

The world isn’t destroyed. There are still plants, there are still animals, and there are still safe places to spend time. The planet may actually be better off now than in the last few hundred years, because the humans who were in the process of ruining things just barely failed.

There are no regulations, no government-enforced exclusion zones, only good- and bad-intentioned people living day to day. You figure humanity has around twenty years of 'every man for himself' to realize how difficult it is to grow crops and sustain life. Until then, everyone’s subsisting on canned food and shelf-stable meats while hating every second of it.

Boredom is an unexpectedly dystopian pandemic, post-apocalypse. Books still exist, so there’s that. Unfortunately, even if there were experienced people to keep the electrical grid going, it’s completely unsustainable without an accompanying society. When you’re really depressed, you picture various survivors all around the world hunkering down to read Jurassic Park or Gone Girl next to pine-scented candles or last year’s Pantone table tapers. Once, you imagined a group of miserable assholes warming their hands next to a bonfire of Live, Laugh, Love wall hangings outside of a Cracker Barrel. It helped. You doubt any Karens survived the apocalypse to object.

then

You survived out of luck, if you could call living in the aftermath of a failed nuclear response ‘luck.’ 

Given the honest-to-fuck alien invasion, those nuclear strikes should have taken out the whole area. Instead, a strange golden dome repelled the worst of the damage, but you knew better than to assume it would stick around. After gathering some important provisions (including a gun and all your ammo), you spent some time bundling up your lawnmower’s spare gas can. You'd read The Stand. There's no way you're strong enough to pilfer gasoline from an underground tank.

That was when you found a leather-clad warrior man standing beside your motorcycle. He didn't seem surprised to see you. “You know how to ride this?”

“You after parts or gas?” you asked, hand on the butt of your gun. You were high on survivor’s guilt and low on bravado. He noticed both.

“A bodyguard,” Bucky told you sardonically.

He eventually told you the real reason, but at the time you’d pulled courage out of the sulfuric smell of danger in the air and suggested you watch each other’s backs.

now

“Still awake?”

You roll over to see Bucky’s familiar shape standing at the window, outlined in moonlight.

“Yeah. It’s too quiet.” Yesterday the two of you had retreated further into the mountains, judging your previous temporary home too close to the river after seeing two small groups using it for through travel.

“Never thought I’d like the quiet this much,” he muses.

Getting up, you move to stand beside him, still dressed in multiple layers to ward off the colder elevation. “That’s because it matters why it’s quiet.”

He doesn’t look over, but his smile is gorgeous in the dim light. “That’s a war reference.”

“You’re damn right.”

The two of you stand in silence, watching the shadows of the nearby trees play in the wind until he speaks again, gruff and oddly defensive.

“I was right about the shelter.”

“There’s a radio? Was it the right kind?”

“Yeah. Months worth of food, too.”

You’re embarrassed at how excited you are at the thought of MREs. “That’s great,” you say, reaching out to touch his arm. It’s sopping wet. Turning to look at him more fully, you see that his hair is wet too. He’s been dripping the whole time he's stood there; there’s a halo of wet, dark spots on the floor around him that feel almost symbolic.

“Most of the food was untouched. Ghosts don’t eat much.”

“How many?” You have to dredge to find enough moisture to rub your vocal cords together.

“Just one. Buried him in the woods pretty far out, washed up in the river.”

Bucky leaves so much unsaid, but you’re good at decoding him by now. This new cabin is miles from the river. As a good ‘bodyguard,’ though, you have one more clarifying question. It’ll matter, if you want to stay here for longer than a week or two.

“Was there evidence of-- did someone else--”

“Self-inflicted.”

“Yeah, aren’t we all,” you sigh, pushing away the guilt of relief.

then

You learned him slowly.

Bucky didn’t need a bodyguard as much as a body, or more accurately a second person to help carry the items he was gathering. It made sense; even a loner like him wouldn’t separate from the other Avengers without a reason. Their version of ‘strength in numbers’ was too complicated to understand and he didn’t really explain, but it had something to do with scattered communication, whatever that meant.

The parts he needed were in military bases, abandoned (and guarded, which was fucking terrifying) high rises, and one notable item was in a corn field. Eventually he gave you his motorcycle and upgraded to one with a sidecar.

You didn’t ask why it was wet when he showed up with it, but you had an idea of why he might have needed to clean it off.

By then you were used to sharing a room with him, dressing and undressing when he was out of the room or faced away. He didn't seem to mind, but you couldn’t really tell, and he didn’t say. 

You were more like coworkers than anything else, to the point that he barely spoke once one of you started readying for bed, like an unwritten boundary. Not that night. He’d broken into a hotel with two beds, one for each of you. That night, instead of his usual steady rhythm of breaths that eventually lengthened into sleep, there was just pensive silence.

Silence was the worst part of your new life. Silence allowed doubts and fears to creep into the gaps between breaths, clawing out space for larger worries. Bucky was quiet, but he was rarely silent.

“It’s not cold,” he finally said, almost accusatory.

You didn’t know how to respond. You weren’t cold, you were in shock. Death was everywhere and nowhere; either you fought for your life or saw the evidence of those who’d lost that battle. Each choice came with terrible necessity. Had that sidecar been a necessity? 

The flashlight clicked on. “You’re shivering.”

“I’m not cold.”

You weren’t afraid of him, you realized. You were afraid for him. He was a supersoldier, but he wasn’t immortal. Bucky often went off by himself without saying anything to you--but what if someday he didn’t come back? 

A pillow landed on the queen sized bed beside yours, followed by a blanket, followed by Bucky, who threw himself onto his back beside you with as much care as he’d tossed everything else. He was so warm you could feel the heat radiating through the space that separated you, even though none of it carried through to his tone.

“You’re safe. Go to sleep.”

It was… exactly what you needed.

now

“I need to build it as high up as I can,” Bucky says.

“Not ‘we?’” you ask, nowhere near as breezy as you hoped.

“I need you to be here, safe.” He reaches out and grabs your hand with his smooth, river-damp metal one, squeezing just too much. It’s as calculated as it is unintentional, like your relationship. “This time, ‘safe’ is not with me.”

He can run for days, heal his own wounds, kill in so many ways it would take a week to list them all, and you still don’t want him to go alone.

You don’t say that, though.

Instead, you tuck yourself against Bucky’s chest, wrapping your arms around his drenched torso. There are no dryers, no radiators to hang your wet clothes on, no fireplace to dry them by. It’s a message.

He holds you close in the moonlight, his river water soaking into you, your unspoken love seeping into him.

then 

Bucky learned you fiercely.

After begrudgingly joining you the first time, he slept beside you from then on, handling it the same way he handled everything: with little explanation and an air of inflexibility. Suddenly you were two people who slept (slept, mind you) together, the metal plates of your lives shifting perfectly to fit that new reality. 

You didn’t fully understand what it all meant until the night Bucky went for a walk instead of getting into bed. He’d killed a man right in front of you that day--brief, brutal, and bleak--and you'd waited for him to come back, alone with your own brutal and bleak thoughts. Had survival destroyed your morality? Why had he been beautiful as he’d ended the attacker’s life? Couldn’t things go back to the way they were? You didn’t ask for this!

Then it hit you.

Neither did he.

You got to travel with him in 2019 because someone did things to him in the 40s that he’d never asked for.

Bucky came back, but that didn't help you purge those horrible thoughts, not until he sighed in obvious annoyance and threw an arm over your hip, dragging you back against his chest like it was an obligation.

Only then could you sleep.

And so could he.

now

The moon is too high to shine through your borrowed window anymore, so Bucky leads you back to the bed in the dark. He guides your clothes over your head and down your hips as unerringly as a marksman who knows the specs of his weapons. When he kisses you, it’s sloppy and imprecise, like he doesn't have time to come up with a plan other than 'must touch, now.'

He drops you onto your back on the bed and straightens up, stripping off his shirt. You figure that out by the sound the sodden fabric makes on the hardwood floor, a wet thunk followed by the metal pinging noise his belt buckle makes.

A strange realization hits you: for the first time since everything went to hell, you don’t want water stains on the floor. This could be your place, yours and his. The thought warms the places where you’d pressed up against Bucky’s wet clothes, but soon his kisses do that for you, furnace-hot yet gentle as the curl of smoke from your frequent campfires.

You burn for him, and you have since before he touched you with intent and looked at you with desire. 

then

Post-apocalyptic isolation was finally getting to you.

The warehouse was cold, impersonal, and dangerous enough that no one lived there, despite being a single building surrounded by miles of possibly-fertile fields. Back when it was operating, that had protected the county population, and now that it was not, its position could best be called strategic. No one could sneak up on you if you were diligent, but the monotony of guard duty was wearing on you. So was the wind coming off of the unrelenting central plains.

You'd never seen Bucky that frustrated before. He came to bed each night tense and sullen, even angry, and instinctively, you’d done your best to give him space. It was only in the last few nights that ‘space’ had included sleeping separately, despite the chill of early autumn that seeped into your bones from the concrete floor.

Day five of that singular brand of loneliness happened to be day thirteen at that location. You weren’t sure how much more you could take.

“Let me help you.” Your tone was wounded, but you didn’t raise your voice.

“You are helping.”

“There’s no point in me watching for nonexistent scavengers when whatever you’re doing isn’t working down here! Especially since--” Your words turned to ash in midair. You’d been about to say ‘especially since you won’t sleep with me anymore,’ which made your relationship sound vastly different than what it actually was.

Bucky smiled for the first time in days. “Go on.”

“No way. Mad Max himself couldn’t drag it from me.”

“I think I saw that one,” he said, swiping a precious candy bar from the special stash and sitting on a stack of pallets. “Sand and cars?”

You choke out a laugh. “If any of the filmmakers are still alive, can you even imagine--”

“They probably murder anyone that brings it up.” Bucky wrapped up the rest of the candy bar and held it up like he was about to toss it to you. “Tell me.”

Your chest felt like you’d swallowed lighter fluid. He looked happier than he had in days, and you had no idea if telling him the truth would toss a match or douse it.

Well, you lived with enough fear as it is.

“Fine,” you said with fake annoyance. “I was going to say that it’s hard to sleep without you breathing on my neck and hogging the blanket.” The plan was to be flippant, to avoid seeing his response, but an arsonist can never look away from their own blaze.

Bucky was still sitting the way he had been before, but you could see the tension ebbing from his shoulders. His metal hand relaxed its grip on the pallet with the same slow relief as the growing smug look on his face.

“Yeah?” he asked, impudent and inflammatory.

“Yeah. Give me the candy bar.”

“Oh, I will,” Bucky grinned. He stood up with the kind of confident menace that had sold many an action movie ticket.

“Oh my god, turn that off!” you yelped, poised to run. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Sand,” he said. You bit your lip as he continued, “I can use it to shore up-- Never mind.”

Bucky’s gaze was intent as he started walking in your direction. It was the same kind of focus he used to defend your lives, with only difference being the impudent light in his eyes. You backed away (never turn your back on a predator) as swiftly as you could, heart pounding in your delighted chest.

Seconds later you realize he’d herded you against a dividing wall and he was still advancing. It was absurd, sexy as hell, and the aforementioned lighter fluid had completely replaced your blood volume. One touch and you’d be aflame. 

Bucky didn’t touch you.

He stopped mere breaths away, leaning his metal forearm on the wall. Bucky brought the half-wrapped candy bar up where you could see it and then ripped away the wrapping with his teeth, his eyes glittering with challenge. Holding your gaze, he brought it to your mouth.

You were breathing so heavily your breasts grazed his chest, sparking brushfires each time. Still, this was a contest of sorts, and you had precious few chances to go toe to toe with this man. You waited until the heat of your mouth smeared the chocolate on your lower lip, and only then did you move--shoving his hand to the side and arching up to kiss him.

His groan ignited something in both of you. He pulled you close with a rough hand at your thigh, curving your leg around him and taking charge of the kiss. It was exhilarating, full of the heat of something long-desired. You grabbed at the fabric of his shirt, dug your fingernails into his hair, your other hand skating over the bare metal of his arm.

Suddenly he pushed back on the wall behind you with enough force to shake the cinderblocks, eyes wild, hands at the hem of his tank top. You nodded, scraping your elbows in your haste to strip off your clothes. It took just seconds before you were on each other again, Bucky half carrying you to the corner of the warehouse where you’d piled up your bedding. He was already pumping his fingers in and out, sucking a brutal kiss on your neck even as he knelt on the pile of ragged quilts.

“You are so fucking strong-- yes, like that,” you gasped out with your eyes screwed so tightly you saw a spray of sparks. The white-hot pleasure practically rang in your ears, and then he was there, splitting you apart and putting you back together, with the taste of him healing the gaps.

“You smell just like every morning I wanted to do this,” Bucky growled into your skin. The pinpoint pain of his fingertips digging into your hip was so real, so him that you were speechless. All you could do was drag your lips across every inch you could reach, arching your back to drive the two of you toward the wreckage of your former selves.

When release came it was a second nuclear event, him panting into the join of your neck and shoulder, your hands buried in his hair.

now

There is a luxury to darkness and patience, one you never would have guessed at in the Time Before.

Bucky doesn’t have to see the ecstasy on your face to know his expert caresses are sending you skyward. You don’t have to watch him throw his head back to know he’s about to come apart inside you.

He’s seen the silhouette of your body backlit by the sunset as you ride him.

You’ve watched the lethargy of pleasure-bought peace lift months of his guilt.

Things will never go back to the way they used to be, but just as you’ve learned to navigate the chaos of the current world, you’ve also learned the comfort of being truly known.

Tomorrow, Bucky will head up the mountain to build one piece of a larger device various Avengers have been constructing across the world. Stark had called it a cosmic smoke signal, a last-ditch effort to call for rescue. After all this time, you’re not sure your heart is in it anymore. It’s engaged elsewhere; you haven’t just learned to adapt, you’ve learned to thrive with Bucky at your side.

Still, the others are counting on the two of you, and it’s all about balance. Whether the next mission is a fiery trip to the stars or the steady puff of a hand-built cookstove, you’re ready for what comes next.

Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

[colebabey888]

Stop Giving A FUCK | The IT GIRL DIARIES

🩷loving myself unconditionally

i learnt to love myself unconditionally, i did this by first accepting my flaws. there was a time that i was someone i didn't like, did things that present me, would be disgusted by, but nonetheless I had to accept that girl that I was before, because it sounds cliché, but without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. So, accept the parts of yourself that you don't/didn't like and then you won't find the need for anyone else to.

🩷comfort in solitary

most people have a hard time being alone and this can actually be a very negative thing, when it comes to growing within and gaining independence. i used to be one of those people. being alone scared the sh!t out of me and this caused me to often mold myself into others perspective of who they wished me to be, just so I could be accepted and not be left alone. because of this, if i lost someone, a friend or a lover, i would break down and become so lost. eventually i grew out of this habit and it changed me entirely. being alone is not a bad thing, in fact, it's a pretty positive attribute to mental growth and stability. learn to be comfortable with yourself, in your own presence. a cliché saying "life is like a book, each chapter comes with different characters, some old and some new". when i began to find comfort in my own solitary, this phrase helped me a lot. everyone in your life is just side characters, no one is permanent. some people might stay and some might leave but the one who always remains, is yourself. be happy with just you. find peace within your own presence. this way, you will accept those who arrive, openly and walk away from those who leave, graciously.

🩷nothing is personal

it's human nature to project. whatever it may be, negativity or positivity, we as humans always project and the amazing about that is, we can choose whether to accept the projection or not. ( nothing other people do or say, is because of you. it's because of themselves - Don Miguel Ruiz ). i often used to take a lot of things personally, from people who didn't even know me personally. which is straight up stupid, because in reality, if someone doesn't know you, it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to judge or have an opinion of you or your character. if someone's insults you, it's not because what they're saying is true, it's because they're projecting their own negative mind. your mind is made up of thoughts you create regarding yourself, the way you see yourself, speak to yourself, is the way you see and speak to others, so in this case, if someone insults you, it's because they hate themselves, not you. you're just a vessel they're trying to pour into because they're too full of hate against themselves already, that they have to begin using others as their negative thoughts keeper. if they don't know you personally, don't take it personally. ( this paragraph is especially important to me and i learned a lot from reading THE FOUR AGREEMENTS By Don Miguel Ruiz and i urge you to do the same if you're struggling with taking things easily to heart )

🩷mistakes are just lessons

i often tend to hold myself accountable for a lot of mistakes I've made in the past. I live with a lot of regret, but as cliché as it may sound, the mistakes you've made in the past are what made you who you are today. In order to grow for the future, you have to accept all the mistakes you've made in the past, this can often be hard at times depending on what mistake it was that you made, but the way to make this easier, is to take your mistakes as lessons. If you do not agree with an action made by yourself from the past, do not repeat it for the future, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation as to when you made that mistake, go about a different route and the outcome will be different. you cannot change the past, all you can do is accept it, for the future.

mwah! xoxo, colebabey8.88

www.thedigitaldollar/gumroad.com

[moeitsu]

The Tie Which Linked My Soul To Thee

Summary: A well deserved hunt with Charles, met with an unexpected surprise back at camp...

Ao3  Wattpad Masterlist - All Chapters Ch.1 Ch.2 Ch.3 Ch.4 Ch.6 Ch.7 Ch.8 Ch.9 Ch.10

Tags: Arthur Morgan/Original Female Character, Widowed, Original Character, Mutual Pining, Slow Build, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, High Honor Arthur Morgan, Friends to Lovers, Child Loss, Trauma, Canon-Typical Violence, Arthur Morgan Does Not Have Tuberculosis, Arthur Morgan Deserves Happiness, Chubby Arthur Morgan, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence

Ch 5 - My Heart Beats On As Warmly Now

“What began as a journey had become a retreat into the unknown. We were backing into the abyss; so worried our sins would follow us we didn’t bother watching where we walked. And behind us was a cliff.” ~ Elsa Dutton 1883

Arthur’s anger dissolved with the storm, replaced by a heavy sense of regret as he trudged back to camp that evening. All he wanted was to drown his shame in a few bottles of liquor, away from prying eyes, away from the disappointment he felt in himself. He hadn’t intended for Kate to see that side of him, not yet at least. And certainly not against a sickly innocent man. He let his anger and frustrations get the better of him. Like he switched on auto-pilot and let the outlaw in him take control. He worried now that Kate might actually leave, and he blamed himself for that.

Swiftly, he made his way to the crate of beer bottles behind the chuck wagon, grabbing a few before retreating to his tent. He craved solitude, a respite from the demands of camp life, from the weight of his own mistakes.

Seated on his cot, a beer wedged between his legs, Arthur opened his journal, the one constant in his life since Dutch and Hosea taught him to read and write. It was his confidant, his sanctuary in a world of chaos. John always gave him shit for it growing up, calling him a pansy and constantly trying to snoop in his personal entries. 

Despite being in a gang for most of his life, he still felt incredibly lonely. There weren't many people he would truly open up to. So his journal became that person. It was the one thing that did not judge him, ever. But even as he poured his thoughts onto the page, he longed for a human connection, someone to truly understand him.  

Hosea and Dutch had been like parents to him, raising him from a young age in the ways of the outlaw. They had their flaws, but they had also shown him kindness and guidance when he needed it most. He always saw Hosea as his father, he would consider Dutch his father too, although he was more like an older brother at times. Hosea was probably the only person who truly knew Arthur, and saw the things he wished not to speak about. Neither parent was perfect by any means, and Arthur could recognize that. But even as an adult, there is still a child inside that longs for the comfort of a father. 

It was that fatherly instinct that drove Hosea to Arthurs tent that night.

“Evening Arthur,” he greeted, holding open the tent flap, “may I come in?” 

He put down his journal and nodded. Gesturing for Hosea to join him on his cot. 

“I noticed Kate didn’t ride back with you, is she okay out in this storm?” He inquired.

Arthur smiled with a slight shake of his head, that's Hosea for you. Always worried about others, here he was checking on his son but was more concerned about the lady he left behind. 

“I’m sure she’s fine, saw her heading into Valentine,” he answered, taking a sip of his beer. He handed one of the full bottles to Hosea as the older gentleman sat down.

“I take it things didn't go well then,” he said with a hint of sympathy.

Arthur sighed, “when do they ever.” 

As they sat together in the dim light, the rain drumming softly on the canvas roof, Arthur felt a sense of comfort in Hosea’s presence. He didn’t need to explain himself, didn’t need to justify his actions. Hosea simply listened, offering silent support.

“I don’t know why I do it,” he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. “The man was sick and weak, I should've just given him a warning.” Arthur concluded with a shake of his head. 

Hosea sighed knowingly. “I think you can blame your fathers for that son,” taking a sip to clear his throat, “Dutch and I did what we thought was best at the time and well, you were quite impressionable when you were young. We used that to our advantage to turn you into a grade A outlaw.” He said gently with honesty. 

Arthur chuckled at the memories of his youth, before John came along he was the golden child. He used to love it when Dutch would teach him how to pick locks, or when Hosea taught him a whole book of curse words. Had he not been the son of outlaws, his life would’ve looked very differently. 

“We’ll always be thieves,” he mused with a hint of nostalgia, “only difference now is that the world don't want us no more.” 

Hosea nodded, silently agreeing, “We're doomed just like every other creature on this rock Arthur,” he remarked with a wry smile. “I just wish I had acquired that wisdom at less of a price.” 

After a moment of contemplative silence, Arthur spoke, his voice heavy with regret. "I just wish I’d done things differently," he admitted, his gaze fixed on the floor. His remorse mixed with his actions at the Downes ranch, and for every mistake he’s made in the past that led him here. 

Hosea laid a comforting hand on Arthur's shoulder, a silent gesture of understanding. "We can't change the past, son," he said gently. "All we can do is learn from it and strive to do better in the future."

Arthur nodded, the weight of Hosea's words settling over him like a blanket of reassurance. "I don't want to be the kind of man who hurts others for no good reason," he confessed, his voice tinged with vulnerability. "I want to be better, for Kate, for everyone."

Hosea squeezed Arthur's shoulder affectionately before rising to his feet. “She’ll come around, son.” He offered a parting reminder, “underneath it all, you have a good heart.”

Before he disappeared into the night, Hosea turned back with a final piece of news. “By the way, your brother wants to speak with you about using that oil cart you found to rob the train tomorrow night.”

Arthur scoffed, shaking his head. “He ain’t my brother,” he muttered disdainfully.

Hosea chuckled. “Well, you two sure argue like brothers. G’night, Arthur.”

He tipped his head to the old man as he left, “night Pa.” 

Arthur laid back on his cot, tucking his journal into his satchel when something small and round fell out and made a soft pitter on the ground. When he looked down he saw the peach pit, the one Kate gave him on her first night. He reached to pick up the small seed. His thumb ran over its hard wrinkles. 

He held it tight to his chest, and silently promised he would make things right with Kate. If he ever saw her again. 

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

Kate took in a deep breath of the crisp morning air, reveling in the freshness that lingered after the storm had passed in the night. The scent of newly sprouted grass and moist earth filled her senses, while dew-kissed leaves sparkled under the gentle caress of the rising sun. A light breeze danced around her, carrying the promise of spring on its wings. It felt like the start of something new as if the world itself was awakening alongside her. It was the perfect day for a ride.

She met Charles in the early morning, exactly where he said he’d be. Waiting for her to begin their journey into the wild lands in hopes of finding a fresh hunt. They were a few hours into their journey now, heading north into Ambarino to hunt cow elk. Just one 200 pound elk is enough to feed the entire camp for a month. Maybe more. It was a day's ride there and back, short enough to keep the meat fresh in time. 

With a satisfied sigh, Kate exhaled the tension from her shoulders, “this is exactly what I needed Charles, thank you.”

Charles smiled warmly, guiding his horse closer to hers. "Thanks for joining me, Kate," he replied, his own gratitude evident in his tone.

With her face tilted to the sun, she savored the moment. Allowing Lorena to guide her. A silent trust shared between them, that her mare will take her where she needs to go. “You know, I always thought you preferred hunting alone. I never see anyone go with you.” Kate remarked, eyes still closed in bliss. 

Charles nodded thoughtfully. "Arthur and I have gone together a few times, but other than that, I don't seek much company from the others," he admitted, his words tinged with honesty. It was clear that while he valued his fellow gang members, solitude was his preferred companion in the wild.

“That why you’re always so quiet?” She inquired, innocently. 

Charles chuckled softly. "If the choice is folks thinking I'm dumb but not knowing for sure, and folks knowing I'm dumb because I sound like them, I think I'd rather keep them wondering," he explained with a grin. The confidence in his voice a testament to his strength. 

Kate chuckled, her eyes reflecting understanding. "I get that. Sometimes it's better to keep people guessing," she replied. Under her breath she added, “I know some of those men can be pretty dumb,” loud enough for Charles to hear.

Charles exclaimed in frustration, “tell me about it! All this death and for what? Just so we can have enough money to be able to run from what we've done?” 

Kate pondered for a moment, she still didn't know what happened all those weeks ago that drove the gang of outlaws here. It was the one piece of information they didn’t talk about around her. Perhaps Charles would share the missing pieces. “What happened to everyone to cause you to run?” Her tone colored with genuine curiosity. 

As Charles recounted the events of that fateful day, Kate couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness for what they must have been through. The gang did not like to talk about Blackwater, and the consequences must have been devastating.

"It was a fucking execution," he began, his voice tinged with regret. "We thought it would a simple job robbing a ferry, carrying payroll. But there were civilians too." Kate could already imagine where this led. $5000 for his head alone, the words echoed in her mind. 

“We raised a lot of hell that day, and things got out of control. Next thing we know, the Pinkertons are on us along with the law. And everyone just starts shooting. I don't know which one of us shot first but that's all it took. There were passengers caught in the crossfire.” He shook his head with disappointment. She couldn't imagine the terror those innocent people must have felt as they found themselves caught in the chaos. 

“Dutch he,” Charles hesitated, “he killed a young girl. Just to get the law off him. And no one batted an eye.” His voice heavy with emotion. Her stomach churned at the thought of such senseless violence. “We lost three good people, and John barely made it out alive.”

He turned, facing her, "I don't kill for fun Kate; I kill when I need to," he urged, his tone pleading. It was clear that he was grappling with the moral implications of their actions, and Kate couldn't help but admire his integrity in the face of such darkness. One so hauntingly familiar. 

“Arthur came out different after Blackwater,” he added with a sigh. 

“Being an outlaw can’t be easy,” Kate added, trying to lighten the mood. She understood the hardships and turmoil that came with senseless violence. 

Charles huffed and shook his head at the memory, “easy certainly wasn't in the job description.” 

As they rode on, the weight of their conversation hung heavy between them. She couldn't shake the feeling that they were all running from something far greater than the law. A feeling she was not immune to. 

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

Their hunt had been successful, tracking and swiftly killing a massive elk. They settled in for a fire and camped near a lake for the night. Enjoying fresh fish for dinner. In the morning they tied their game to the back of Taima, and began their journey back to camp. Kate’s spirit felt lightened in a way, the two of them spent most of the night sharing stories. And she realized she and Charles had a lot in common. A gentle reminder that she is not entirely alone in her struggles. 

The ride home went by quickly, and with the sun tickling the horizon, they arrived at the great plains of New Hanover, and eventually, the familiar overlook. 

As they rode into camp, the air was thick with urgency, Miss Grimshaw's voice cutting through the chaos. "Alright girls, everything into the wagons, now!" she barked, her tone sharp. 

Charles swiftly brought their kill to the chuck wagon, while Kate hurriedly dismounted and rushed to join the flurry of activity. The girls worked frantically, packing crates with blankets and clothing, fear etched on their faces.

"What's happening?" Kate asked, her voice tinged with concern.

Mary-Beth paused in her task, her expression grim. "Arthur and John got into trouble with the law in Valentine," she explained, her hands moving quickly. "Dutch says we need to leave, fast."

A surge of panic swept over Kate at the thought of Arthur and John in danger. "Did they get caught?" she asked, her heart pounding.

Mary-Beth shook her head. "I don't know," she admitted, sympathy in her eyes. "But we have to go."

As Kate’s mind began to spiral with the worst outcomes imaginable, a voice rose above the commotion. Speaking of the man himself. 

Dutch's voice cut through the chaos. "Charles!" he called out, his tone urgent. "Find Arthur at Dewberry Creek, we need a new hideout." Charles turned on his heel with a nod, mounting Taima and taking off back down the trail they came in on only a moment ago. 

With his words she felt a sudden sense of relief, Arthur is okay. Their last conversation weighed heavy on her heart. And she would be damned if that was the last time they spoke. 

Dutch's voice commanded attention once more. "When they give us the all clear, we move out! Let's get to work, people!" he shouted.

Mary-Beth and Tilly went back to their work and left Kate alone with her thoughts. She returned to her belongings, packing quickly. But her moment of respite was short-lived as a sickeningly familiar voice cut through the air like a bullet.

“Well hello Kate,” Micah said with disdain and arrogance. 

“I don’t have time for your bullshit Micah,” Kate retorted, her patience wearing thin. 

Micah advanced, his eyes blazing with hostility. "Funny how you show up right when trouble finds us," he taunted.

Kate scoffed, the idea completely absurd, “you idiots robbed a fucking train, did you seriously expect a welcome home party?” She shot back, her voice filled with sarcasm.

Micah's gaze narrowed. "We were set up in Valentine, someone ratted us out," he growled, his words dripping with bitterness. 

“I was just hunting with Charles,” she explained, not bothering to hide the bite in her voice, she refused to play his game. 

Micah approached with malice, his fist twitched at his side, ready to pull his pistol any moment. "Well Charles ain't here now,” he gestured around the camp, “and we think it was you," he hissed, the accusation cutting through the chaos.

Realization dawned on her that he was setting her up, but the reason why was still unclear. “And when Charles comes back he can testify to that,” she spat, turning to continue her packing. 

He closed the distance between them with predatory grace. In one swift motion, he raised his pistol. Before Kate could react, the butt of the gun connected with her temple, sending a searing pain shooting through her skull. Stars exploded behind her eyelids as she stumbled backward, the world spinning dizzily around her. Darkness threatened to engulf her. 

As she struggled to regain her bearings, Micah loomed over her, a twisted smirk playing across his lips, “we’ll be long gone by the time they come back princess.” 

With a sickening thud, Kate's head hit the ground, the impact reverberating through her skull. As the world faded into blackness, she felt herself being pulled into an abyss of darkness. The last sound echoing in her ears was the distant whinny of Lorena, a mournful cry that seemed to fade into the void. 

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

The commotion of the camp kept her drifting in and out of consciousness for the next hour. She heard Abigail's voice call out to Kate in concern, and Micah snapped back warning her to keep her distance. She also realized her wrists had been bound along with her ankles, with Micah standing guard over her like a dog. Like she could run away in this state anyways. 

The darkness began to creep in again, and in a moment she awoke and Micah was gone. It was almost dark and she was in a different spot now, away from the center of camp and behind the tree line. That fucking bastard tried to leave me here. She thought with bitterness. 

In the midst of the chaos, a familiar voice pierced through the camp, but Kate's mind was still swimming in a fog of confusion. Wagons rattled as they hurriedly departed the overlook, leaving Kate struggling to make sense of the commotion. Summoning all her strength, she pushed herself up onto her knees, squinting through the haze.

Then, like a beacon in the night, Arthur's horse appeared, Belle’s white coat gleaming amidst the darkness. With a surge of relief, Kate locked eyes with Arthur, who rushed over to her side, his expression etched with concern.

Her consciousness flickered like a dim candle in the wind as she slowly regained awareness. The throbbing pain in her head was a harsh reminder of what had just transpired. Blinking away the haze, her vision blurry.

"Kate? Are you alright?" Arthur's voice cut through the fog, filled with concern as he took in the sight of her bound wrists and ankles. Swiftly dismounting Belle and pulling a knife from his belt to cut her free. 

Her head throbbed as she recounted what happened and she felt sick in the stomach. She couldn’t stay with them anymore, not after this. Micah was a real problem, and if what Charles told her about Blackwater is true, then Dutch is likely the same. 

“I’m okay,” she answered wearily, “Micah set me up,” a hint of fear mixed with rage creeped into her voice. Arthur helped her rise to her feet, just as the last wagons were leaving the overlook. Without missing a beat she turned to find her horse. 

Arthur was slightly taken aback, unsure if she was still upset with him from the nights before, all while trying to make sense as to why Micah had set her up. 

“I-I’m sorry Kate,” he pleaded, “I shoulda been here,” his voice was laced with remorse. His strides quickened as he closed the distance between them. Kate's heart clenched at the sincerity in his voice, but she knew she couldn't stay.

“It’s not your fault,” she reassured, “but I have to leave.” She decided in the moment, ripping the bandaid clean off. She longed to stay with Arthur and the gang, but she no longer wanted part in this trouble. “Goodbye Arthur,” she bid him a solemn farewell.

“Kate,” he called out, desperation filling the air. He wanted to stop her, to grab her and beg her to explain what happened with Micah. But the look in her eyes told him everything he needed to know, she had made up her mind. So all he could do was stand and watch as she rode off. 

She clutched at Lorena’s reins, taking off in the same direction as the wagons, intending to ride past them and make her way to Rhodes, hopefully putting enough distance between them so she could get her bearings and be on the move again. Her heart raced with adrenaline and disappointment. Things could not have taken a turn for the worst. 

She used the darkness to her advantage, slipping away from the wagons as they took a path down following the railroad tracks, while Kate veered off towards the twin stacks. As she climbed altitude she watched the wagons below, specifically watching Arthur take off behind them, his mare flying through the train of carts and horses like a butterfly dancing between flowers. 

She paused for a moment, letting herself consider that perhaps she wasn't just running away out of fear, but something else as well. She thought about the girls, and Charles, who had just become a dear friend after their hunting trip. She thought about Abigail, who must be clutching little Jack close to her heart at this moment, praying John will see his family out of this alive. Her last conversation with Arthur still ate at her heart, so many words went unspoken that she wished she had said that night. 

Memories of her past came back in waves along with the painful throb of where she had been hit with Micah’s gun. Her fear, mixed with her disappointment and anger. A reminder of her own weakness. 

Yet, she decided long ago that she would never live in that kind of world again, where the weak would rather guilt the strong than become strong themselves. This world doesn’t care what the weak want. This world eats the weak. Therefore, she became strong. 

The sudden sound of gun fire dragged her from her thoughts, she rode farther up the slope looking for the source of the noise. She saw in the distance the tiny images of wagons and horses, and a group of raiders descending to their location.. 

Gripping the reins with such ferocity, Lorena reared on her hind legs as Kate spun her around and took off back down the slope. She would not let death sink its venomous teeth into the belly of another. 

[bharv]

Feel free to ignore but: do you feel that gortash is - I guess the word I'd use is "good" - at sex? By whatever metric you'd judge that?

Hey anon I LOVE THIS QUESTION and I can't be normal about it!

So I have to dive into it a bit into sections because there's a lot going on here for me and obviously the caveat here is this is my opinion, this is my opinion from inferences from the text, this is my opinion.

So in order to do this we need to cover a few sections: sexual education, sexual agency, sex as tool and sex as desire.

All of this is going under the cut for discussions of childhood abuse, canon inferences, decisions he makes in game, and some headcanons around agency and dub/non-con that readers may find uncomfortable.

so, let's start at the very beginning with:

Sexual Education

There are two things we know about young Enver Flymm. One is that he was raised in a small cobblers workshop where he shared a single room with his parents. The other is that at some point, he was taken to the literal hells where he suffered an incredibly physically abusive situation.

We don't know for sure the exact age he was taken, but I think it's easy to infer that he was prepubescent when he was taken from the way he is spoken about as a snot, a boy etc. by Nubaldin. Even if he was a little older, it's safe to infer that he didn't have a particularly healthy environment to learn about sex and sexuality either at home or in literal hell.

If we assume Enver was in hell, we know that the sex he would have potential been aware of was largely non-consensual. There's references all over the place about his fellow detainee Hope being sexually and physically assaulted as well as psychologically manipulated. We don't know with Enver if he ages in the hells (I assume he does, and that it is only those who sell their souls and end up there after death that do not age) but if he does, he goes from childhood to early adulthood, ten years, in this space (mirrored in Karlach spending ten years there as well, interestingly.)

We also don't actually know how he escaped the hells, and it is a niche headcanon (which I have also put into my works) that he as a young adult learned about sex and traded with Haarlep to find his route out (in my stories, this directly feeds into Mephistopheles being interested in the potential of this boy, and letting him steal the crown.) There's no text basis for this, it just neatly ties up some thematic threads and I think can be put aside and it still doesn't change the core that:

Enver Gortash had no way of having a healthy understanding of sex as a teenager. There isn't really any way that he could have! Either he's living in a one-bed apartment with abusive parents who hate his existence, or he's learning from Raphael's example in literal hell.

Sexual Agency

This is where a lot of people feel differently, but again, we can look at things as they are and then make some inferences.

Enver Gortash does not have a named spouse, or any named mistresses/side pieces/conquests. Anything. There is no evidence of anything (we will come to Durge later.) Compare this to Sarevok, who has two named partners and is inferred to have had others, and it is an interesting choice to have zero ties. It's particularly interesting because as a Lord, he would be expected to be thinking of siring a house, and as a man in power, the narrative expectation would be to find evidence of sex as a benefit of his position. We don't see any evidence of that.

There is a read that many, including me, bring to the fondness that The Dark Urge and Gortash have for each other, but again, there is no evidence that this is sexual or if it is, that it was ever something than a mutual pining. That's the joy of fanworks, you can grow on what's there, but it's not explicit that it's anything more than mutual admiration.

So for me? I think that there is significant evidence that he doesn't prioritise sexual attraction and fulfilment over other areas of reward.

Sex as a Tool

What we do know though is that he has used his body to get things he wants. The Jannath letter, which I love, makes it clear that he had sex with her for financial favours and clout, and that she indulged him in this. He's also more than happy to trade on his image in every way he can. I think it's easy to infer from this that he is, at least in one setting, able to give people what they want out of sex. Whether that means he's technically good OR he's good at constructing and fulfilling the fantasy, I think that's up to interpretation, but I think he knows what to do when it is a performance, and if there's something he can tangibly get out of it like money, power, the ability to blackmail somebody later, then that is the element that is getting him off, not the sex itself. Sex for gain is just another part of his arsenal, to be refined and researched like anything else, and picked up and put down as useful to him.

Sex as Desire

And this is --and it is completely up to interpretation here, I'm just rolling with the other things I see -- where it can potentially all fall apart for Gortash. If he actually likes somebody, if there is a desire or an affection or anything like that, and if he is able to even feel emotions like that, what does he do with them? It's not useful, it's not contained, it's not part of the punishment he learned in the hells or the seduction he learned in the patriars. If he does find himself genuinely fond of another person, how can that fit in his ideas of sex? Personally, I don't think it can do, and there's lots of ways to play with that. In my own stories, the sexual contact he has with Manva is brief, quite one-sided, and quite regressive. He is no charming seducer, but instead taken back to something much simpler that he likely didn't have space for when he was young. He has other encounters where he can't get it up, or can't climax, because the circumstances aren't quite right, the promise of power is not enough, or the partner is too willing (not like he has learned of in the hells at all.)

I think personally that if he does seek out recreational sex, then it is primarily going to be motivated by power play. And I don't think this is well negotiated kink territory. He plays with the player character constantly, testing them, destroying their reputation in the press quest, always vying for more power even when you are apparently allies. This is a man who always, always needs to know he can change the tide.

I think of the woman whose voice was used in the necrotic laboratory, who was stolen away with a promise of a better life. I think of Fariza Linnacker. There's no evidence either were sexual, but we do know that he took great pleasure in manipulating and destroying their lives.

Gortash has so much going on around sex as a tool, as a weapon even, that when it comes to a genuine connection, there's every possibility that he cannot perform at all.

And would that make him embarrassed? Angry? Would he blame? Lash out? Would he seek out professionals to replay old traumas as a "safe space"? Would he avoid all intimacy because he sees it as weak and disgusting? I think there's a lot of scope within this.

So the short version is... I think he's able to be good at sex when it's FOR something. But I don't know if he's even interested when it's not, and if he is, I think he has a long way to go to actively want to seek it out. And is he good in the way that it is connected, intimate? Probably not.

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

So I don’t know if you know of Doug Walker, but recently released his Disneycember review of The Owl House.

While he praised a majority of the show, he criticized the main villain, Belos, of how he was written.

Many of the comments tried to defend the writing of the villain.

Doug Walker..

Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

Yes, I am very familiar with Doug Walker; I loved his stuff along with Channel Awesome years ago and then the allegations came out and fortunately, the other contributors on that channel moved onto bigger and better things. Meanwhile, Doug just stayed the same, so I don't watch his stuff anymore.

Any way, I think it's funny people are scrambling to defend Belos' writing because, despite my own personal opinions on Doug as a critic, I actually agree with him.

For a show that is ostensibly about subverting tropes and not judging a book by its cover, by showing how people can choose to change or not, etc. Belos is a throwback to an earlier era where the Big Bad had basic motivations and characterizations. And for a show like toh, that actually ends up hurting the narrative.

I have categorized the comments I found defending the writing and here are my responses to them:

Belos does have a deeper layer, you just have to look for it.

While a show can certainly foreshadow and provide little hints about a major character, eventually all of that setup will have to pay off somehow. There has to be a reveal both to reward the viewers that have been paying attention and to inform more casual viewers who may not have. Fans analyzing every little frame to extrapolate a major character's backstory only for that backstory to really not matter in the end despite it being set up for a season is just bad writing. full stop. [A viewer should also not have to look on social media for crucial information on a major character.]

It's also not clever that the show left so much room for interpretation on Belos; it just means that they didn't make a commitment to what was being set up and reduced his character to glib one-liners whenever we learn something interesting about him (Masha's "little bro was jealous of big bro" line and Papa Titan's whole spiel).

2. Belos would have been written better if the show had more time.

The Toh crew knew about the cancellation during production of Eda's Requiem and wrote all of 2B with it in mind. So they knew they were working on a time crunch but still introduced elements like the Collector when they should have spent the time wrapping up their story. The cancellation is not an excuse for sloppy writing.

3. Belos as a villain works more on a meta level.

So the argument here is that Belos is the antithesis to the BI; it's accepting and diverse while he is hateful and only accepts things that conform to his worldview. The characters in the story change and grow, while Belos does not. The problem here is that a villain can't only work on a meta level, it has to work on a narrative one as well.

If the BI is place that accepts weirdos then how did someone like Belos come to power? Oh, he lied his way to the top and created problems that never existed? That just makes your populace look dumb and easily manipulated. The BI being so accepting also undermines the threat credibility of the Emperor's Coven because why should we worry about them if they have no real influence over how the BI residents think or behave aside from when the plot needs them to?

Also, I strongly disagree with anyone who says that toh has a "people are complicated and choose to do good and bad" theme when all of the good characters can blame their bad actions on being manipulated or on circumstances outside of their control OR the narrative ignores/downplays anything bad they did (cough cough Amity and Lilith). Meanwhile, the villains are just shallow with basic motives and this is supposed to be a deep message about how Some People Are Just Bad.

If you're going to contrast why your good characters are capable of growth then you need to show why your villain does not. What is stopping them? How do they react if given a legitimate reason to change (that isn't a cheap jab at Steven Universe)? What is their justification for their actions?

Whatever the answer is, the narrative has to support it and not undermine it with a stupid joke.

4. Belos is so refreshing when every villain character is redeemed.

Watch more shows. If you think that every cartoon villain post-Steven Universe is being redeemed then you're incorrect. Redemption of a show or movie's Big Bad is still in the minority while the redemption of the main villain's lackey is a dime-a-dozen.

Ultimately, I think the problem with toh is that so many of its fans take its thematic statements at face value without ever really stopping to think about the execution of those themes and if they really work or not.

Belos just happens to embody this little trick that toh does: it claims to have bold and timely statements and important themes, but the structure and execution of the plot, character development, and world-building undermines any attempt at a consistent or coherent message.

[olderthannetfic]

please, send help. i (23y/o) think i am getting to a stage where I need to be a Cool Aunt TM for my niece (13y/o). She's been a bit too online since she had to move around a lot. She had a bit of antis mentality, but i'm trying to pull her away from it slowly. At the same time, she's been around the internet, reading 18+ yaois and shit. I did the same at her age, so I can’t say I don't understand her. But as an adult idk how to talk about this 18+ healthily with her? or do I even need to? should I leave her on her own devices? I didn't have an adult to talk about these things with growing up so idk how you're supposed to do this.

There is not way to say how my parents or sibling (her mom) would react if I drop this on them, could be +/- , but it's a bit of a lottery depending on the most recent online articles they read lately. lol. They're open to convos, but a bit religious.

I'm taking suggestions if anybody would like to give some.

P.S. I am also not a cool person, i'm pretty much a lame homebody so… i also don’t know how to be cool lol.

im so sorry idk who else to ask.

--

Ahaha. Well, don't try too hard to be ~cool~. Nothing could be more offensive to the sensibilities of a 13-year-old.

A well delivered "Oh, come on, no one really thinks that" and eye-roll in response to the more delusional anti stuff has a wonderful effect if you're offline and the person respects you. Humans in general and 13-year-olds in particular are hypersensitive about fitting in. A boring and serious lecture from an older person will set off every melodramatic "The old people don't understaaaand!" instinct, but a well-timed "LOL, WTF" causes internal panic that one has missed something. If she wants the serious and nuanced explanation, she can ask for it, but I wouldn't start there.

As for how you talk about raunchy art... it really depends on the person. If she realizes you like the same stuff, she may bring it up. I think recs are fine, and so is euphemistic "I liked the ship dynamic in this one". "I got off to this" is TMI on your part. (Well, it's TMI on her part too, but be prepared for TMI if you become the confidant of a 13-year-old.)

Honestly, as long as she's directing the conversation and you aren't sharing details of your masturbation habits, I think you'll be fine. 13-year-olds aren't babies. If they're old enough to read porny doujinshi, they're old enough to talk to a trusted adult about them.

My teen tastes were weird art films full of sex. 13 is pretty young, but within a couple of years, she'll be the age I was when I was trying to see shit like Crash. She could be anywhere from self-assured in her tastes and interested in discussing her favorite media to easily-influenced to paralyzed by guilt. Creepy grooming shit comes from groomers choosing to groom, not from the topic of sexuality being in the air. If she's reading something with even a shred of plot or romance, you can talk about that without the actual conversation being X-rated. My main concern would be to avoid her trying to impress you by consuming media she finds uncomfortable or talking about things she doesn't actually want to share. You can really only judge that by body language and tone of voice in the moment.

I mean... does "18+ yaois" mean actual BL series here that have a few sex scenes or doujinshi that are entirely porn? ('Yaoi' basically means 'PWP' and is not exactly complimentary, after all.) It's somewhat harder to talk about the latter. But I liked some pretty out-there shit as a teen and did talk to adults about it. They just let me do most of the talking.

Probably the easiest way to broach the topic is to catch her reading something and go "Oh, I read that one" or "I liked [name of BL]".

[neverenoughmarauders]

One thing about the canon is that James and Sirius were exceptionally smart. So do you really think that these secret animagus couldn't hide their bullying?

And who did they bullied? Snape. And a few more Death Eaters in making. Lily said it, they called themselves 'Death Eaters' because they wanted to be one of them.

What were James and Sirius against? Blood purity ✓ Death Eaters ✓ Voldemort ✓

So do you really think they would hide that they are against it?

They ofcourse showed that it isn't a good decision to step infront of them and what you will get if you do anything they are against.

#James and Sirius were not bad!

Oh you had to address the hardest question of them all, didn't you?

I think my TLTR reply would be this: their intentions weren't necessarily bad, but their actions were. I am very much in the camp of people who want to understand, and do forgive, Sirius and James, rather than necessarily wanting to justify their teenage behaviour.

Does that mean that Snape was a good person as a teenager? No, he was a Death Eater-in-making, who was fascinated by power and the dark arts. Adults should have stepped in, but that doesn't make Sirius and James right for taking it into their own hands.

Did the marauders bully Snape? Did they bully others?

I think to discuss this we need to start by addressing what they did or didn't do, as people have very different views on this. Why do we have different views? Well because we hear very different things. But I think it's fair to say the canon supports the following:

Snape was bullied by James and Sirius - this seems to be something that is confirmed by Sirius, Remus, Snape and Lily, as well as the fact that we see it in SWM.

Snape likely did give as good as he got in terms of actually going after James (there's evidence to support this in canon, and not enough to contradict it) - BUT the power balance is all wrong. Snape isn't popular, James and Sirius are. Their scope to injure Snape by humiliating him is much greater. And they are two on one (not four on one like Snape claims, but certainly not one on one).

James and Sirius did hex people just because they could - Lily's accusation is likely true, as Sirius and Remus do not contradict this and if anything they agree Sirius and James could get carried away.

James and Sirius were likely quite big bullies. Sirius does imply he and James were bullies as early as POA when he notes that Peter would always choose the biggest bully in the school yard.

Did they bully Snape? Yes

Did they bully others? Yes

Is bullying okay? No. I believe the only right answer is that James and Sirius' actions age 16 are bad.

Why did they bully Snape? Why did they bully others?

It is relevant to understand James and Sirius' intentions, especially as these two boys are just teenagers. Making mistakes and learning how to deal with things in a more constructive way is part of growing up. Does that make it easier for Snape and their other victims? No, but it matters in understanding James and Sirius. And I want to address it because it relates to your question.

They bully Snape because of his affinity with Slytherin - the house that stood for pureblood supremacy - and because of his affinity with the dark arts, and that is it... until of course James starts fancying Lily, and Snape starts going after Remus and James saves his life - all of which adds complexity.

There is nothing in the canon to ever suggest James and Sirius pick on Snape for any other reason. They show ZERO interest in him until he expresses a desire to be in Slytherin. It is clearly the choice that James finds disturbing. James is just as quick to dismiss handsome, wealthy-looking Sirius when it appears like Sirius says he's to be a Slytherin too. When Sirius expresses the thought that he may break the tradition and not be sorted into Slytherin, James accepts this as good enough. He doesn't hold family against anyone, but he does judge you for your choices.

We also learnt from Sirius that 'Snape knew more curses when he arrived at school than half the kids in seventh year and he was part of a gang of Slytherins who nearly all turned out to be Death Eaters' [Yes, Snape wasn't friendless] … 'And Snape was just this little oddball who was up to his eyes in the Dark Arts'. It's also interesting that they say Snape 'never lost an opportunity to curse James' as curse has a more negative connotation than say 'hex' which is what James is accused of doing. Young Snape invents Levicorpus and Sectumsempra. Everything we learn about young Snape has a dark connotation.

James detested the dark arts, and I would argue Sirius detested it just as much. Sirius states that he hates what his family stood for, which would be blood supremacy and an affinity to the dark arts. His parents weren't Death Eaters. Furthermore, Sirius does not approve of Crouch Sr's approach to fighting Voldemort: 'I would say he became as ruthless and cruel as many on the Dark Side' and he laughs at the idea when Peter accuses him of using dark magic to escape from Azkaban.

So why did they bully Snape? Because of his affinity to the dark arts, Slytherin, and how he very much fit the profile of a would-be Death Eater (which he was, let's not forget).

Did Snape deserve what he got? Personally, I don't think so, because he too was just a teenager. I think adults should have interfered as he was dabbling with the dark arts. I think adults should have stepped in to punish him and his friends for their anti-muggle-born views. I don't think James and Sirius should have stepped in with their jury, judge and executioner approach.

Why did they bully others? Here we don't know. I want to be careful about assuming that they only went after Slytherins or would-be Death Eaters.

There is some evidence to suggest that the majority of their victims would fall into this category, but it's not super strong.

The previous discussion does suggest that Sirius and James, while quick to jump on Slytherins, were otherwise unlikely to bother. We know that they take care of Remus who is a werewolf, and Peter (who is described as slow) seek their protection too.

We hear many people in canon speak well of James - and the only people to not speak well of him are people who are associated to some degree with Slytherin: Snape, Lucius, Lily (as Snape's friend) and... sort of Slughorn. Slughorn loves talented people and yet his focus with Harry is only about Lily. James is noticeably absent from the mind of a man who 'collected' talented people. James' father made a fortune on a potion, James is described as exceptionally talented by McGonagall.

It is possible that everyone who spoke well of James just decided to forgive James, or were unaware of James' bullying behaviour (although we know McGonagall, Hagrid and Dumbledore must have been aware of it). Dumbledore would certainly have been a forgiving type and did make him Head Boy. But why is James often described as this great wizard by everyone who knew him except from the Slytherins and their friends? Possibly because the Slytherins - and especially the DEs in making - were the primary targets of James and Sirius.

Having said all this, Lily suggest they were hexing people just because they could.

As many of us canonheads like to remind the Marauders fandom, James and Sirius were 'exceptionally brilliant'. They clearly weren't challenged enough at school. They are confident they will 'at least' get Os on their DADA exam and don't bother revising before their Transfiguration exam.

People most likely to act out are people that either struggle in school or aren't challenged in school. So I do believe James and Sirius will have gone around hexing people and bullying people just because they could - like Lily accuses them of.

The truth we will never know, but the safest thing to assume is probably a combination. They primarily targeted Slytherins (plus the house rivalry makes this likely in any case), especially Death Eaters in making, but it wasn't limited to those people.

Does it matter that there was a war going on?

Snape is a victim of James and Sirius' bullying, but his fate is sealed by a failed system that places him in a bigoted house on the basis of being ambitious, of wanting to prove himself, of detesting an abusive muggle father (interpretations here, but not unlikely?) - ie things that aren't really a crime in any way - and are in fact very understandable. 'Sometimes we sort too soon,' I read as the message of what went wrong for Snape.

I believe James and Sirius are also victims of the same system. Yes, their school days are happy and thus victim feels like the wrong word, but the hate they receive online isn't doing justice to the fact that Snape, James, Sirius were all underaged, they were all pitted against each other by the system, they all had their own luggage from their childhood that shaped their ability to respond to the war.

I think people fail to see that depending on the line you took in the war, you likely either saw James and Sirius' behaviour as appropriate and good (someone was doing something!), or downright evil.

Lily is not better than everyone who are all laughing at Snape. Snape is her friend. She is able to see the bullying for what it is, because she knows Snape for what he is. But if you didn't have a vested interest on the other side, you wouldn't likely have lifted an eyebrow (unless you were Remus, the master empathiser). There was a war going on, and outside the castle, these two sides were doing far worse to each other - and were allowed to do so.

Barty Crouch Sr allowed the use of the unforgivables on Death Eaters. Death Eaters were torturing and murdering muggles and muggle-borns. People were desperate. And for some reason, people don't empathise with how much this would affect the children going to school.

Assuming that their bullying was (mostly) motivated by fighting a dangerous ideology, does that make it alright? No. Again, my question is where the adults are in all of this!

James and Sirius are good characters that made some bad choices

Fictional stories are about character growth. It's not about where you start, but where you end up. It's about characters that have the wrong behaviours, or conceptions of the world, learning the error of their ways. James and Sirius grow up. They go from right intentions, wrong actions, to right intentions and constructive action.

So if the question is - are James and Sirius bad characters or people? Then I'd say no. They are fantastic fictional characters, because they show character growth. James and Sirius are good people once they come of age in the Wizarding World. They join a war they know they are on the losing side of, and where everyone around them are being killed, because it's the right thing to do.

Final thoughts

This is less related to the question and more reflections based on my long long musing.

It’s not fair to dismiss the goodness that existed in James and Sirius, nor do I think it’s fair to dismiss the damage they caused Snape. They are not responsible for making him a Death Eater, but they caused deep trauma. In the real world we hold people increasingly accountable as they grow up and in the absence of being an adult we look to those who are adults. And that’s who I really want to hold accountable for the tragedy: the professors, the ministry, the system that still allowed a sorting hat and a terrorist organisation to take root.

The marauders’ story, including Snape and Lily's story, is a deeply, deeply tragic story where all parties deserve to be understood. James, Sirius and Snape in particular all fall on their own sword: James died because his bullying behaviour attracted people who would also be attracted to Voldemort - and he did not take the time to understand one of his supposed best friends. Sirius lost his best friend and his own freedom to arrogance, thinking he could trick Voldemort. He later lost his life to that same arrogance - mocking and underestimating Bellatrix. Snape - who I've not cover as much in this post in terms of motivation, but who has a deeply tragic childhood - lost the one good person he had in his life. He lost her first when he chose ‘his path’ as a Death Eater. Then he lost her again, when he handed Voldemort the prophecy that would get Lily killed.

They all suffered. They were all punished rather severely by the author for their mistakes. The least we can do is tell their story with empathy.

[shabbyshoebox]

I talk about my superiority issues!

I think that not being heard as a child combined with constantly being praised for being smart did end up messing me up bad. We love a superiority complex (/s)!

I have this thing where I subconsciously see myself as the smartest/best/specialest person in the room and if that turns out to not be the case I get really insecure and weird and irrationally angry???

My old therapist pointed out that I seemed to take every interaction as a competition (which I vehemently disagreed with at the time, iirc. But of course, like many things that piss you off in therapy, it's a needed observation)

But the thing is, it's not really clocked by others because you know, you're supposed to make people feel good, and you're not supposed to be a pretentious ass. Being a good person means being kind and understanding to others. By doing this I managed to have relationships, but because I never externally expressed these things, those ideas were never challenged and I kept them. Because I didn't feel comfortable expressing that side of myself, others could not redirect me.

Growing up, I wasn't given the opportunity to be heard. Mentally, it grew from "no one tries to understand me" to "no one can understand me", putting myself on a pedestal and distancing myself further from my peers. I was already born with two neurodevelopmental disorders (like most in my family), so I already felt majorly disconnected from the majority of the "human" experience. In fact, I actively sought out books with animal protagonists because I could relate to them better than the ones with kids I was "supposed" to relate to.

Because of my superiority issues, I've had a hard time connecting with people. I don't give people enough chances to understand me because I don't know if they can and I'm anxious about being judged (who isn't)?

I'm trying to combat it by mentally thinking "this person is smarter than me" when I'm talking with someone, which seems to be helping a bit, still a long ways to go.

I feel weird talking about it, because, again, it feels bad to talk to others about it. Like: "Hello friend, I've subconsciously viewed myself as above you for our entire relationship, can you comfort me about it and emotionally connect with me as if I didn't just insult you and our friendship?"

Like, no, that's batshit. I can't expect anyone to have no reaction to that and to keep calm while I talk to them about that sort of thing.

So, by addressing this externally via textpost, I should hopefully begin to work through this.

In the meantime, I'm developing some affirmations that may help me:

People are smarter than me

People are more skilled than me

People are capable of understanding me

I am capable of expressing myself in a way that others can understand

People are worth asking advice from

Others' skill is something to be admired, not envied

I'm not skilled enough to do everything. That's okay. Acknowledge those who are skilled for their dedication and growth.

I need help from others

Others can help me

Other people are not my competition

In conclusion, I'm trying. I'm acknowledging the problem. My feelings may be upsetting to people, and that's okay. I'm trying to understand that it's not impossible for me to be understood. I'm trying to understand that I am capable of using my words to describe how I am feeling in an accurate way. I'm trying to understand that people being upset with me is not an indicator that I'm misunderstood.

Thank y'all for listening.

(I accidentally added a poll and can't remove it because I'm on mobile, sooo)

[archivalofsins]

So, I'm filling out my mail in ballot and like... Lately I've been getting hit with the cultural differences between myself and others.

So, I'd like to talk about how that may impact how I view Milgram.

It's no secret that I'm African American. Yet, there's a great deal of people that will have assumptions on what that means, how it looks, what I must be into outside of Milgram etc. These things as we've come to know quite well through Milgram, are biases.

As we've discussed before biases aren't inherently bad. Biases in and off themselves are ideas we pick up about society based on our personal experiences. They're like a quick cheat sheet that no one can help but make in their head.

For example- Since I said I was African American. One could assume things about my,

Skin tone

Education

Social Status

Simply based on that knowledge alone. One could assume that I'm dark skinned. An assumption that a good deal of people make when that term is used despite the various skin tones throughout the African American community.

If I were to then respond to that assumption with,

"Actually I'm light skinned." (This is a fact and a example.)

Another assumption would come into play.

"Oh what are you mixed with?"

This would lead to two answers. Nothing, literally everyone in my family is black. Or, "Wow; can you take an educated guess? I did just say I'm African American is there any historical context you could possibly gleam without asking me why my skin tone is what it is. Anything, is there anything coming to mind that may explain? Might rhyme with armory. Might involve a word that sounds like shave?"

Nope damn...the answers still nothing just African American or well if we discuss the history of slavery real quick we get this very complicated non-answer of too many things to count. Including white and Native American. Yet if you ask my dad what they put on his papers when he fought in the war they put negro. Because those other two things matter relatively less than the whole black thing.

So, most of my family history is black and I was raised in the black community. Didn't really stop me from getting that question a lot growing up. Mostly from people within said community. These are the sort of biases I believe are pretty common in most cultures. People will judge others based on how they look and assume things about their background.

This is highlighted in Milgram through Mu. It's brought up multiple times that Mu has been othered because of how she looks. Because she does not look typically Japanese, she looks foreign. She has honey-blonde hair and light grey eyes.

She mentions in a minigram that she doesn't like how rain makes her hair stick up.

People headcanoning Mu's victim as half black when France has the highest black population out of Europe wild.

X X

Hmmm, wonder why that headcanon hasn't been put on her ahn who knows.

Basically, noting that humidity and water makes her hair frizzy. Probably playing a bit into the reason she doesn't portray herself as being soaked in After Pain. Because she finds this aspect of herself to be embarrassing.

This also could subtly imply that she may straighten or style her hair. Outside of that Milgram highlights how different she looks before the series even starts properly. Noting it in her character description on the website.

A beautiful prisoner with overt features that set her apart from other Japanese people. Despite her slender frame, she’s very candid, and the type to rebel against the abnormal circumstances Milgram has presented her. Due to her nature, she will be very wary of Es at first. The way she conducts herself gives a sense of her upbringing. Leading us to speculate that she was probably born into a wealthy family. Perhaps, being born into wealth is why she has such a sense of pride, bursts into tears when clashing with others, and is prone to whining.

My sorry spells must be wearing off./I am always the drama queen.

x

Why won’t you stop hurting me? My heart is all dried up. My sorry spells must be wearing off. But I guess some of it is my fault./ It’s not my fault. I told you I’m queen, and it will never be changed. I’ve got EVERYTHING, everything is as I wish.

And even having it called to attention in the portal timeline.

20/05/31 Mu: Hey, Mikoto-kun, aren’t you scared of this place……? You can’t think of any reason you ended up here, right……? Mikoto: Ahh, yeah. Of course, it’s not like I’m not scared at all. But just between you and me…… I still haven’t dropped the thought that this could all just be a TV show. I mean, I really haven’t ever murdered anyone. ……and if that is the case, we’re definitely being monitored. For like a prank setup or something. Wouldn’t it be super uncool and embarrassing to get angry or lash and have it shown on prime time? Mu: Is that what you think……? A prank, huh…… I hope that’s all it is…… Mikoto: Ah! If that is the case, then you’ll probably be super popular since you’re so cute, Mucchan! There’s a lot of girls out there who make their big break coming off reality shows like that!

Like the fact that Milgram lays all of this out from the beginning along with the way it follows through on it is really good. Because it isn't just building as it goes or adding pockets of tidbits of character information on as the trials progress. It's all been there and still is there rewarding people for going back and looking, if they feel like it.

Through bringing to the forefront how different Mu is from those around her Milgram subtly highlights another form of discrimination in Japan. Racism.

Then it does this really interesting thing when it comes to her core friend group in particular.

Milgram makes a point of having all of Mu's close friends be individuals who for one reason or another would not be considered to look stereotypically Japanese. Milgram manages to do this without even giving Mu's friends faces.

Even highlighting in their insect forms through giving them different hair colors from the rest.

Just like Mu herself.

Q.11 Who do you want to see right now? Mu: I miss my friends too but most of all, Papa and Mama.

In her second voice drama Mu says,

...Warden-san. I think you're really doing something bad. Isn't it a bad thing to act like there has to be something wrong with someone for them to get bullied? Oh? No matter the circumstances, it's always the bullies who are in the wrong! Isn't that obvious? Warden-san you're so smart but you didn't even know something like that? maybe you should take some lessons on morals or something. ... Besides even if I've done something wrong, there's nothing that can justify bullying. Warden-san I thought you were nicer than this.

Not one thing that can justify it not even others doing something wrong. Meanwhile Mu's first trial character voice line,

It's your fault....for doing horrible things to me...

Mu goes on to say this in response to Es asking why does she think she was bullied after that,

"How would I know? I mean I'm from a rich family, and I'm an eye-catcher too... It was probably out of some kind of envy or prejudice, right?"

Plus, Mu's stance on bullying quickly changes when it's brought to her attention that Es believes she may have been a bully before she bullied. As she states,

"Leaving behind all that stuff you said about me possibly having been a bully myself- not that any of that's true of course!"

Sorry it was an easy shot.

Can you believe she said this right before this mv came out? Wild. Prisoners stay lying in their voice dramas. Never incriminate yourselves, always lie to authority figures. Double down on the lies if you need to. No one owes honesty to individuals or systems putting them in terrible predicaments.

Lie like you and honesty had a falling out. Lie like being honest betrayed you worse than it did Kazui. Keep lying. Honesty sorry that's a luxury I can't afford right now. I'm in my lying arc trust me at your own expense.

Be Mikoto trial two and gaslight the audience into believing that everything Milgram uncovered was actually a dream trial three. It will work better than you think Mu.

Like naw be more dishonest actually. The realest thing all the prisoners have ever done was just blatantly lie and not back down from said lies. They're all like fucking prove it go on prove it! What do you have mystical songs where I go I did that shit and I'll do it again?! That's not substantial enough evidence.

That could have been an over-exaggeration done to better highlight my artistic vision- Fuck you and your song extractor bring in some actual proof or piss off. This machine was provided by your facility how do you know it's providing accurate unbiased information. The facility had already deemed us guilty of something on incarceration this isn't fair or trustworthy.

Meanwhile if they're innocent what a great and interesting machine you have here.

Sure. So, if I'd gotten payback for how my bullies treated me then that'd count as revenge right? And if you believe that was my only option then don't you have to forgive me? ...Uh...I'm not really sure what you're trying to say? You see~ If you think that me bullying someone back after being bullied is the natural course of action, then wouldn't it be bad to bully me back in return? ... "But if you were like. "I won't forgive you Mu revenge is bad!" Then wouldn't that imply that it's also bad for me to bully someone back after they bullied me?" I think I'm kinda...starting to get your point...maybe. Warden-san are you maybe not all that smart after all?

Since the way Mu talks is rather quick and confusing purposely Es has difficulties understanding what she's saying. Despite the fact that she is just reiterating that since she's already been forgiven it would be best if Es kept to that verdict. Because Es has already set the precedent that killing out of revenge or in response to a slight is forgivable. Changing her verdict now won't change that precedent.

Meaning Mu has every intention to bully someone for bullying her again if necessary because Es has stated that the appropriate response to being picked on is picking on that person back. In a way Mu is saying that's what trial one cemented that treating people who have caused direct harm to your or others is completely okay actually.

So, it's best not to start problems for others others at all. So, if Es wants to change their verdict and pick on Mu now that would be no different than what happened to her.

This isn't even a veiled threat. Because she's just saying since you've realized that bullying is the appropriate response to bullying then you shouldn't pick on me because the obvious response would be me picking on you and you don't want that right? Or,

"If you want to betray from jealousy. I’ve told you what’s gonna happen."

The thing is the way I view Mu's story is subjectively changed based on my experiences as and African-American.

When I view her story I don't see the simple one of bullying. I see a story about prejudice and the othering of mixed and biracial individuals in Japan. How the mistreatment these individuals face when younger can lead to them bullying others later in life.

The fact that kids like that are often exposed to discriminatory treatment from a young age by peers and adults due to their overt physical differences. Something that can lead to a great deal of bitterness and self-loathing. Even internalized othering.

Q.08 Which of the other prisoners is most like you? Mu: I don’t think there’s anyone? They’re all weirdos.

This can be done to make oneself feel less than others or to cope and convince oneself that they are more special than those around them and everyone is just jealous actually. Mu falls into the later category. However, the later category is commonly used in response to discrimination of some sort.

Because it's easier and healthier to respond to others making fun of ones immutable traits such as physical characteristics by going they're just jealous. The other option is attempting to changing how you look entirely which for a lot of people won't work anyway. From that angle it's no suprise that in high school Mu would start doing something that may just have been done to her for much longer by girls who probably resembled those who picked on her a great deal or were people who used to pick on her.

Q.02   What scares you most? Mu: Painful things, scary things. Also embarrassing things. Q.07 What is your favourite place? Mu: Mama’s hometown of Nice. The sea there is beautiful.

As someone who grew up in the states a pretty diverse country. Well Mu saying things like her favorite place is her mothers hometown has a different ring to it. Because in Nice the way Mu looks wouldn't be considered odd or draw attention. Whereas in the place she grew up she can easily tell that the way she looks gets her both positive and negative attention.

I've said this before and I'll say it again the fact that Mu stands out due to her mixed ethnicity is just as a part of her story as being a bully is. The fact that she surrounds herself with people who are similar to her (seemingly mixed as well).

Well it really puts this spin on her story. Not just making it as simple as bullying it but turning it into this story of long term accepted bullying and what that cycle can lead to. If Mu was bullied and treated as different because of her looks and families wealth at a young age. Then she gets into this high school with other people with those experiences. It wouldn't be farfetched for her to want to use the opportunity to get revenge on the people who treated her poorly before and take advantage of the system that allowed it.

In order to lessen the impact of the idea of her being a bully which she denies as ever being true she states it would be fine for her to be one under Milgram's logic if it was in response to being bullied in the first place. That it's fine as long as it's revenge. A mindset many victims of bullying who become bullies later have. That it's fine to do because no one said it was wrong when it was happening to them. It's okay if they do it because if they do then it can't happen to them.

This especially puts an interesting spin on her first cover song and trial song.

Especially these lines,

Otome Dissection

There's been a lot of analysis of this song for a long while. For now, I want to analyze it from the angle of the singer dissecting themselves. An angle that the song has been taken from before. Given the visuals in the mv near the end.

The more overt ones.

Along with when the signer is shown pretending to call someone and closing their own body bag.

All after the line "Let's see if our climax had been a let down. Ever since that night."

Now if we phrase Otome Dissection as the singer singing to themselves that would make it more interesting in the context of Mu's case and the way it can relate to ethnicity. Because I think Otome Disssection manages to perfectly encapsulate the feeling of self-loathing, dejection, and hopelessness that being a minority can make a person.

The song highlighting how the singer has found something that makes them feel good as long as it hurts. Something that's validating and invalidating all at once. A way a lot of people feel about exploring or expressing their culture/ethnicity in a place where it's marginalized or stereotyped in some way. The feeling can be just as isolating as it is liberating simply because at times even when people want to do this there's not much community around them locally.

Plus, taking an interest in it won't make discrimination stop. At the end of the day people are still going to put you on a pedestal or hate you because of how you look. Though it can still be fulfilling. Also highlighting how one will dissect themselves, cutting themselves down to be more acceptable in an environment that didn't want to accept them to begin with. Again, going back to how it only feels good when it hurts.

They only get acceptances when they're burying parts of themselves. Yet, still desiring to be loved for everything they are the good and the bad and trying to convince themselves that they love who they are despite everything around them making it feel as though it'd be better,

If I had just disappeared.

All that self-loathing and disdain turns into boisterous self-confidence. Because it's feels like the only way that person can survive. Yet they still need this constant outwards validation because they don't know if they're allowed to be here. Even though they feel like they should be it doesn't feel like they are.

I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe? Tell me./I wanna feel shame, ever since the night when I realized it's good as long as it hurts.

Yet no amount of validation is enough because the person can't validate themselves. They're always going to be afraid of being found out then hated or the other person finding someone else.

Hey, what if If I am a bad girl- Don’t hate me./I actually had a dream you fell in love with someone else. Please tell me it's not true. Come on love me please?

A problem many people who have faced racial discrimination in their environments have is believing that others can like them. Because sometimes from birth all those people are given are reasons why others wouldn't. A list of things that make them odd or different from their peers. So, it's easy to understand why it would be difficult to believe.

After Pain

"I don’t want tomorrow to come. I want to forget yesterday I was miserable, someone please help me."

"If it’s endurance, I’m used to it. It’s just having another taste of it."

When it comes to Futa we see him become the victim of what he dished out after in Bring It On. Lamenting if both sides are losers in Backdraft. Yet, Mu tries her best to hide all the things that hurt and embarrass her. The source of her pain.

Because she doesn't want people to look at it. She doesn't want to replay it. Just like her second cover song further highlights along with her second trial mv.

She even states in the second written interrogation,

Q.01 What were you like as a child? Mu: I think I was pretty normal. I had a lot of friends, and learned a lot.

Yet she also states that she gets walked up to by modelling scouts on the streets because of her looks.

Q.15 What’s your dream for the future? Mu: A model, maybe. I’ve been turning down scouts while I’m still in high school though.

Definitely sounds easy to have a normal childhood with stuff like that occurring.

It's easy to write off Mu as not going through that much and just being a spoiled brat and a bully. However, I feel like that would be ignoring some very compelling parts of her character. Plus, she's not the only prisoners for Milgram to allude to dealing with forms of discrimination.

Plus, it is kind of strange that she would jump from having her friends bully people for her to murder. Like that isn't a very natural progression. Now she could be lying about not doing any of that stuff herself like dumping water on people or beating them up. However the only time we see her actually harassing a student is when they appear to be shaking them down and none of that stuff is occurring.

Then she's only alluded to being around in After Pain after her friends do that stuff. So, I genuinely doubt she was being dishonest about that. None of these feelings on Mu I stated here are new. I always appreciated how her story subtly deals with the ethnicity. I like how it shows a victim of bullying become a bully.

I like that it highlights how cycles of harassment begin. I love how Mu's first inclination is to frame herself as a victim of bullying in this situation because on some level she really thinks this is revenge for all the mean things others may have done to her. I also like that she's unapologetic about it. Plus my own complicated relationship with stuff like that makes me sympathetic to her a bit.

Even still it's Mu we're talking about she's not one to be knocked down and stay down. That's simply just another aspect to look at her under and it's one of the ones I find the most interesting given how I grew up.

I feel like that may just be one of the many things that may go overlooked based on how one grew up. Even though Milgram highlights it in a lot of ways.

Another one that may go over some's head is poverty in general given the cases of Amane and Mikoto. Like people not really understanding why he's so focused on his job or why Amane's family lives where they live etc. It's just interesting how Milgram tries to represent varying demographics. Like there's a plethora of other examples but I've gone over them before.

At least I find it interesting.

[yuseirra]

Learned that onk is getting live action.. and that it probably would have some hikaai scenes. Honestly, I don't really trust this series or the writers any more. I'm just worried that they're going to confirm the guy killed Ai as a freaky monster of a stalker who idolized her and couldn't forgive her for dumping him and later even flipped out to target their own children as well(which is not how it should be the way I see it, he wasn't portrayed like that when I got back into this series)I'm just praying it doesn't get any worse than how it is now because if it does, then I really can't work with this anymore. You see how disappointed I am? I don't have a hope when it comes to this piece. I don't want to get disappointed any further. Can I be blamed? I waited out for months during the times the manga was ongoing and look what's happened. I rather things remain ambiguous if they're not going to do a good job... What the heck would be the point in writing the story like that though? I don't get the minds of these writers. Just- if you're going to talk about what idols or people in the entertainment industry goes through, what would be the point of making the boyfriend who's a minor at that time somehow...manipulating an adult to instigate an attack on his idol girlfriend?? What kind of message does that send even?? I really can't forgive them if that's really it. From how I infer, I really don't think he'd have seen any of this coming. I just picture him wishing to have sent a bouquet, Hikaru sent A BOUQUET. Just...how was that supposed to be some kind of threat? The guy would have to be seriously messed up if he really intended to murder or hurt someone while doing that. It's not really a natural flow of thought so it gets me okay? It's not really how an average person acts and he didn't seem to be that messed up then, I STUDIED psychology. Again, I lost my trust towards the writers though. They may be trying te explore the mind of a crazy maniac, might as well(that's so rude though! I find that approach rude and harmful to the industry!) At this point I'm just nervous about new updates rather than feeling some sort of hype for it. I can't expect anything good from it, I want to, make me, please.

Ugh, the writers, seriously... Ugh. Why are they like this? Really? No, I honestly think everyone could’ve been happy. But this family(?) was completely destroyed. So, I can’t help but feel irritated at how things turned out. Just thinking about it makes me uneasy. What were they even trying to say with this...?

As for Kamiki, I think Ai probably understood him best. The two of them said they were alike, after all. They probably understood each other very well. And if you look at how Ai treated her boyfriend, there was no sense of fear—there was affection.

When Aqua started pursuing acting, Ai was overjoyed and praised him a lot, right? Thinking about it, her son—who already resembled her boyfriend a great deal—was growing even more like him, and she liked that. This means her feelings toward her boyfriend were very positive. That’s another layer of foreshadowing. Look at Aqua’s name: it’s made up of two kanji for “love” and “longing.” And Aqua’s appearance resembles his father a lot. Even the names of the twins, taken from gemstones, show how much Ai cherished her boyfriend. Ai really loved him. But for someone like Ai to open her heart and love someone deeply, that person must have been truly good. Ai isn’t thoughtless—she’s incredibly thoughtful. For Ai to overflow with affection like that... judging from the flashbacks, they seemed to have gotten along well. Kamiki always looked so happy in those scenes. It seems like he’s the type to give everything when he loves someone. He must’ve treated Ai so well while they were dating. Even the lyrics of the song suggest giving everything he has to offer. So, that personality hasn’t changed—it’s just that after Ai’s death, he broke down and became twisted. Out of desperation.

In my view, Hikaru could never harm Ai. He’s not that kind of person. I think he was so shocked by Ai’s death that it completely changed him. His eyes were once big and round... but now he looks like someone possessed by some demon.

Ai wanted to raise her children with him, right? That means he was someone she believed could make that possible. In the end, even readers don’t know exactly what kind of person he was. But Ai, who stayed by his side and even had children with him, probably knew him best.

---

My reactions towards this subject of stalking and killing does come from what's been happening in my country as of lately

..to a degree. I was concerned of such crimes to begin with(and subjects like child abuse too so that's how hikaru and ai really got me to think) The recent news has been so grim, and I... honestly. That’s why this kind of story weighs on me even more. But for now, I’m choosing to trust my intuition on this. It’s too awful to put exact numbers to it, but I sometimes see this kind of news pop up in my feed. A lot of people are being stalked and murdered by their exs and I feel it's alarming and frightening. I don’t think it should be dismissed as just bad luck on an individual level—it’s a societal issue that needs to be addressed on a structural level. Of course, you could view most problems that way, but...

So... I’ve been deeply anxious, I really don't want to...make it seem like I'm portraying something like it in a pretty light. I've been very worried. Since I notice these details however, I’ll stick with my interpretation for now. I draw them because I think it's really not what's happened between them.

If the work says it's been that way all along, however, I could always take down what I have and delete it. I'm not sure if I actually will, but I'm always...bracing myself on something like that happening in canon. The moment I started drawing this ship, I had an idea of what I could be signing myself into, it was a risk for me to take. I still did it because I thought I knew what it is and I still think I must be right. Haha. But honestly, if I’m wrong, that’s not on me—it’s on the author. They wrote it in a way that invites this interpretation... and in cases like this, I’m rarely mistaken.

[gettingfrilly]

Let's talk about Eddy's family

Out of the three boys, I feel we know the least about Eddy's family. We may have met his brother, the only adult to ever have a role in the show, but of the Eds, he talks about his parents the least. And I refuse to believe his brother is just Like That all on his own. Something happened to that guy and I wanna know what.

So, let's look at what we know:

Eddy was physically abused by his big brother. On the flip side, his big brother also passed his knowledge onto him, the show implying that his bro took on the role of a mentor in Eddy's life. Eddy also inherited a lot of his brother's stuff from him; whether Eddy's brother had a choice in that matter or not is unknown, since Eddy could have simply taken the items out of his brother's room after he was gone.

Bro is much older than Eddy, though we don't know exactly by how much.

in the episode 'Ed... Pass it on...' we learn that the older boys in the neighborhood (Kevin and Rolf), who would have clearer memories of him than the other kids, are terrified of bro.

Eddy idolizes his brother. He pulls his pranks, wears his clothes, and speaks his praises any chance he gets.

Eddy's dad is most likely a homophobe judging by the implications of the only direct description we get of him in the bible. He doesn't want his son to be gay and worries that he is.

Eddy's mom thinks Eddy can do no wrong. Now, I've seen a lot of people interpret the line about Eddy's mom as a continuation of the line about his dad, and that she, too, is homophobic but doesn't believe Eddy is gay. However, I think they're separate statements. Eddy is a guy who gets in a lot of trouble, and usually when a kid gets in trouble, their mom is the first to be told. I think what the bible is communicating to us is that Eddy's mom flat out doesn't believe the stories about the trouble Eddy gets up to. It's probably one of the biggest reasons he keeps making trouble without fear of consequences.

Here's where things get a little more up to interpretation-y:

Here we have Eddy throwing a mug that says "#1 son" out of his closet. So. Yeah. He's the favorite child and his parents aren't afraid to say it out loud.

Eddy's dad, like Eddy, seems to have a short temper and isn't shy of getting physical with people, including his own children (important to keep in mind that this is a hyperbolic, slapstick cartoon, and not any sort of canon proof that Eddy's dad is abusive.)

Then there's the way Bro is talked about in the bible. "Before his brother went... away," why the ellipses? Was there something else to be said other than just "away?" I think the hint here is that Eddy's brother didn't just grow up and move out. There was some sort of inciting incident that lead to him living on his own. There's also the fact that Eddy has no idea where his brother lives in BPS, and that when he does show up, the first thing his bro asks is "Do mom and dad know you're here?" Eddy answers "AS IF!" which tells me that Eddy's parents would not approve of Eddy being around his brother, and both brothers are aware of that. This is followed up by bro asking "Does ANYONE know you're here?" Which. Big scary imo. Really fucking weird thing to ask your little brother before you start beating on him. Like he wanted to know what he could get away with.

So with all that in mind, here's my own personal headcanon that is not in anyway present in canon this is just what i like to imagine happened:

Eddy's brother was the family's scapegoat, whereas Eddy (in his mother's eyes, at least) was the golden child. Extremely rarely do children grow up to be violent just because. I think bro learned that behavior at home. I've discussed before that I think Eddy has ADHD, and that shit hella genetic, so I think his bro has it, too. Their mom and dad were new parents when they first had bro, and probably knew squat about raising a neurodivergent kid, and neurodivergent children are more likely to be victims of abuse. When corporal punishment didn't end up working out so well on bro, I think his parents changed tactics for Eddy. I also personally think that his mom felt guilty for how bro was raised, which is why she's so lenient with Eddy. So now, bro is jealous of Eddy and bitter about his own abusive upbringing, and he takes this out on Eddy by being exceptionally cruel and violent towards him.

This led to bro eventually doing something bad enough to get his ass sent to either juvie or prison, depending on how old he was at the time. This was hidden from Eddy, who adores his older brother, and was told that his brother had simply moved out. And that's how things ended up how they are in the show and how Eddy's brother ended up the way that he is. Again, this is just my own imagination. While it makes sense as something that could be true when you look at canon, I don't think canon actually props it up as accurate in any way. Anyway, I'm curious to hear what you guys think of bro and Eddy's family!!! especially if any of you know what the hell "Eddy's genes are working the fastest" means.

[fallenlightsif]

do the speak now (tv) album ask for this blog too 👀 i have to know what songs my blorbos relate to

Ofc anon 🙏

Mine: MC/Marcella

"Do you remember, we were sittin' there by the water? You put your arm around me for the first time; you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter; you are the best thing, that's ever been mine"

Sparks Fly: MC/Florian

"I'm captivated by you, baby, like a fireworks show; drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain; kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain; cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile"

Back to December: MC/E

"I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't; so if the chain is on your door, I understand"

Speak Now: Kira

"So don't say yes, run away now; I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the back door"

Dear John: Rowan

"But I took your matches before fire could catch me so don't look now; I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town"

Mean: MC @ their mom

"You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me; you have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I'm nothing"

The Story of Us: MC/E

"Oh, I'm scared to see the ending, why are we pretending this is nothing? I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud"

Never Grow Up: Ezrah & MC

"To you, everything's funny, you got nothing to regret; I'd give all I have, honey, if you could stay like that"

Enchanted: MC/Florian

"There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles, same old tired, lonely place; walls of insincerity, shifting eyes, and vacancy vanished when I saw your face"

Better Than Revenge: Ilaria

"Sophistication isn't what you wear, or who you know, or pushing people down to get you where you wanna go; they didn't teach you that in prep school, so it's up to me"

Innocent: Orion

"Did some things you can't speak of, but at night you live it all again; you wouldn't be shattered on the floor now if only you had seen what you know now then"

Haunted: Rowan

"It's getting dark and it's all too quiet and I can't trust anything now and it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake"

Last Kiss: MC/E

"I hope the sun shines, and it's a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed; you can plan for a change in the weather and time but I never planned on you changing your mind"

Long Live: The Childhood Friends (Florian, MC, Marcella, and E)

"Hold on to spinning around, confetti falls to the ground, may these memories break our fall"

Ours: Orion/MC

"They'll judge it like they know about me and you; and the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do; the jury's out, but my choice is you"

Superman: MC/Cier

"He's not all bad like his reputation and I can't hear one single word they said; you leave, got places to be, and I'll be okay"

Electric Touch: MC/Julian

"I've got my money on things goin' badly, got a history of stories ending sadly; still hoping that the fire won't burn me just one time"

When Emma Falls in Love: Ari

"She won't walk away unless she knows she absolutely has to leave; and she's the kind of book that you can't put down, like if Cleopatra grew up in a small town"

I Can See You: MC/Cier

"I can see you waitin' down the hall from me, and I could see you up against the wall with me; and what would you do, baby, if you only knew?"

Castles Crumbling: Ilaria

"Ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off; and here I sit alone behind walls of regret, falling down like promises that I never kept"

Foolish One: Dimitri

"And the voices say, “you are not the exception, you will never learn your lesson”; foolish one, stop checkin' your mailbox for confessions of love that ain't never gonna come"

Timeless: Orion/MC

"That's when I came upon a book covered in cobwebs, story of a romance torn apart by fate; hundreds of years ago, they fell in love, like we did, and I'd die for you in the same way"

[silent-raven13]

You guys!

Pav rushes to his friends with crazy news: Oh my Brahman, did you guys saw Peter Parker?

Gwen looks at Miles and Hobie: Peter B. Parker from Earth 616B

Pav: No, um.. Peter Parker umm he likes to call himself, Petie from Earth 2010

Miles: Ohhh, hmm. Yeah, I saw him bringing a cute baby girl. -Hobie slouching on his partner while listening-

Gwen nodded: Ohh that one. You know when you say Peter Parker... it's kinda hard to know which one when -they are surrounded by a lot of varieties of Peter Parker-

Pav: Right! My bad! Should've been clearer- Anyway, turns out that Peter's kid actually came from Peter.

His fiends: ....

Gwen: Pav, it takes-

Pav: No, I mean- Petie is from the Omegaverse! He's an Omega! That''s his baby! -Gwen's and Miles' eyes widen-

Hobie arched his eyebrows: What? What the bloody hell is an Omega? And what universe is that?

Miles stammering: Well- you see- it's when...

Gwen place a hand on Miles' back: I got this. I'm sort of a pro on this stuff. -she went over to lean against Hobie being casual- Ya see, the Omegaverse is... -she told him everything-

Hobie: WHAT IN THE HELL? You joking, aren't you Gwendy? -his eyes widen in shock.-

Miles shook his head: Nope, it's true. I didn't think it was a real universe...

Gwen: I mean, we're here. Anything is possible!

Pav nodded: Right, I reacted the same thing when Gwen told me!

Hobie looks at Miles: How did you know this?

Miles pressed his lips being shy: Well... you know I love my anime and shows... and Me and Ganke likes to make comics. Sometimes I read fan fiction and... omega verse is a popular genre.

Gwen laughs: I read it too! You know when you want to male pregnancy in the story. it's the best ways to write it in.

Hobie saw Miles being bashful: That's insane? A man getting pregnant? So this Peter pushes out a kid?

Pav nodded: Turns out his MJ is an Alpha! So, she actually had some sort of penis and sticks it into Petie, right? -he turns to Gwen because that part still confuses him-

Gwen: Depending on their world Omegaverse. Some female Alpha's clit grows into a penis when it's heat season and stick it into an Omega and boom! Pregnancy!

Hobie: That's-that's... -he was too in shock-

Miles: The ones I read never mention women being Alphas mostly Betas.

Gwen: You know fangirls always write for the men. -she sighs- I'm curious too. Should we ask Petie?

Pav: I don't think so. He's pretty sensitive. He had to go to Miguel to inform some sort of harassment report, because one Spiderman touched his swollen chest.

Miles: That's so messed up. I should go check on him. I'm sure he must feel very upset. Come, Hobie. -Hobie can't complain nor judge-

Petie aka Peter Parker from Earth 2010 in Miguel's office having to sit on a chair while feeding his pup.

Petie: Thanks again, Miguel. I- um... appreciate it.

Miguel busy on the platform: It's fine, Parker. I will informed the Spiderman that harassed you. You can request absent if you want.

Petie: No, I'm okay. Just trying to get use to being Spiderman after nine months plus the three months of taking care of my pup. -he coos at his little girl who busy drinking his milk-

Miguel saw the omega being a bit nervous coming to their headquarters seeing how many Spiderpeople judge him. He only brought the omega onto their cause because he's such a good spiderman. Shame, how people are quick to judge. As Spiderfolks they should know better.

Normally, Miguel would walk around the Omega trying to make him feel safe, or at least calm down. The large Spiderman had a special spray that contains an Alpha scent that helps relax Petie.

Petie slight chuckle: I didn't expect people to give me looks when i hold May. I thought it would be normal... -his voice sad and weak-

Miguel place a hand on the Spiderman's shoulder: No es tu culpa. You are doing what is normal in your world. You have a beautiful pup. -his red eyes looking at the little baby-

Petie smiles widely: Thank you, Miggy. -teary eye- means a lot.

Miguel: Puedes quedarte aquí todo lo que quieras! You can stay here all you want.

Little May mumbles being finished with her meal. Petie smiles: Thanks, looks like she's done.

Then the main front door slightly open with Gwen's head peaking in: Um... Mr. O'Hara? Can we come in?

Miguel looks up: What is it, Stacy?

Miles peaks in: Um... we heard what happen to Petie. We want to check if he's okay!

Pav peaks in as well: We brought lunch for him!

Hobie sticks his head too while carrying Miles: And water!

Miles: Aye! Hobie put me down! -his boyfriend ignores him-

Petie smiles: It's fine, Miguel.

Miguel: Very well. Okay, come on in. -since when his place is for hang outs? Then again, he didn't think this place was a safe space-

The young Spiderheroes happily walk in, well Hobie carries Miles. They saw Petie, Peter Parker; who has sandy brunette hair color, and green eyes. He's face more fuller than the Peter, they knew, and much more softer, but that's what happens when you're an Omega.

Pav: We wanted to check if you were okay! I saw the Spiderman was making jokes when you walked away. Kinda messed up. I wish I was there early...

Gwen handed Petie the take out box: We got you burgers and fries...

Petie: Thanks, kiddos. I'm glad there's some good Spiderfolks around here. It's been hard since Omegas are always being treated differently. I mean, Alpha Peter parker from Earth 2010B get all the praise.

Pav: There's an Alpha Peter? -his mouth dropped in shock-

Miguel grunts: There's many of them on and about in these headquarters. They come in different times to avoid using their pheromones on each other.

Petie laughs: And that you don't fight with him. Alpha Peter tends to challenge Mig a lot of the time.

Hobie grins: I like the sound of that.

Miles playfully slap his partner: Hobie!

Hobie: What? It's good for someone to challenge leadership.

Miguel: Alpha Peter is chaotic and ruthless. Having him as a leader would be a great mistake, Brown! -his voice serious and annoyed-

Miles: If he's as bad... then Alpha Miguel might be worst, huh?

Miguel: I dunno. I never bothered to look for him for the same reason. he's out there somewhere. -like hell he would bring that one into their headquarters-

Petie: It's not good having so many Alphas around. -He cover his chest with special Omega shirt for breastfeeding- Time to burp May. -His daughter had a Amber wavy hair color than Mayday.-

Pav gasps: Looks at her little booties! Oh my gosh! Those toes are so tiny! Ahh -He giggles at the baby's size- She's so cute!

May whines trying to sleep but her dad softly pats her back as she let out a small burp: There. There, pup. I got you. -he saw Miles- Aren't you an Omega?

Miles looks around then pointed at himself: Me?

Petie: Your not?

Miles: Wait, why me?

Gwen and Pav softly giggling. Miguel arched his eyebrows being nosy in the conversation instead of working.

Miles: No, I'm not. Why?

Petie: I thought he was your Alpha... I've seen you two and Hobie, right? -Hobie nodded at his name- Is always protecting you. It's very Alpha... and you always smell sweet, too. I figure you were an Omega.

Miles' mouth dropped: Is it cause I were my mango Shea Butter!

Gwen laughs: See told ya, you would be an Omega!

Hobie: Me an Alpha. huh? -he likes that idea- I can get you pregnant!

Miles' face felt so warm: You can't be serious!

Hobie: Come on, luv. Me and you with a litter!

Petie laughs: See Alpha material.

Pav laughs: I can totally picture that!

Miguel: Aye, no pregnancy talk. It's bad enough we had three Peter Parkers already impregnating their MJs at sixteen! Coño wear a damn condom!

Gwen: Hey, we are 18 years old, Miguel! -she puff her chest out being offended- If Miles want kids now... let him!

Miles scoffs: Excuse me! I didn't say anything. Hobie, put me down! -his boyfriend carrying him-

Hobie: No, never letting my Omega go! -his new petname-

Petie only laughs: Sorry, Miles. I thought it you two were part of the Omegaverse.

Miguel shook his head: These fucking kids. -he went over to help Petie with May. So the omega can eat his lunch in peace. Miguel holds the pup being careful- Hey, you guys keep it down. May needs to sleep!

Pav: And you're being an Alpha too, huh!

Miguel grunts as he gently rubs the small pup's back: Shh, she's sleeping.

Gwen giggles: Miguel is always to the rescue with kids. Hey, Miles maybe you can have him babysit yours.

Miles pouts: Not funny. -Hobie kisses his cheek.-

Hobie: My Omega! -kisses-

(Part 2)

[90sbutterfly3]

No Contact

In November 2020, I chose to have no contact with my family (mom, sibling, etc.). My dad died in 2016 from cancer.

The reason behind this is a bunch of things, from the way they talk to me and treat me to even feeling like an only child.

Now, there have been a few times since then that my sister reached out and tried, but once my nephew, who is her son, passed away, I never really spoke to her again.

I tried relating to her since I lost a son, too, when she called with the news, but I should have kept quiet. She said that I didn't need to go through the trouble to go since I had my 2 kids and lived in another state. I felt it was in a tone I wasn't welcome, and with only one car that my husband needed for work he couldn't get out of, and no one offering help and me not comfortable asking, I didn't go. Perhaps I should have tried hard to get there. we shall never know.

I haven't talked to my two brothers since November 2020, after two different hurricanes around that time.

I was the youngest of 4, with my brother before me, 9 years older than me.

The following is the last I spoke with my mom through email after simply sharing pictures of my kids through Messenger and then being questioned why on Messenger.

(Reasons why. Wed, May 8 2024, 5:30 AM)

Reasons why.

You asked why.

Where should I start?

Honestly I feel like I shouldn’t need to explain myself but here we are.

Most of my life I was told sorry didn’t want to bother you since you have kids or sorry thought your sister called you whom also forgot about me.

Did you know throughout my life I have been jealous of Denise because she had a mom that checked on her every day and if she didn’t call mom, mom actually worried about her?

Oh sorry I had Adam so I was left alone.

I mean like what logic is that? Denise had kids along with pets,Tony had Jacob and Joe had his pets. Why am I different?

November 2020 is where I will start I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, career stressing me out had babysitting issues every time I turned around and an extended family that didn’t understand what I was going through.

We were homeless with two kids living on my brother n laws living room for the kids. Couldn’t go back to were we were living do to mold.

So yes I walked away from all of it with my kids. Adam got an job opportunity in Galveston with his company and we decided to take it.

From there we lived in a hotel then moved from there 3 times now settling here.

From gillis to ragely to lake Charles to Texas we have moved 5 times.

My extended not ever helping.

It was just the four of us most of the time. The two kids, Adam and I.

My extended?

Judging me that I didn’t help mom I am sure.

Joe calling me at one point fussing about mom and the kids when mom should have called me directly. I haven’t talked to Joe since because he is not my dad and I am not a kid.

Sorry my priority is my kids over mom.

Tony. He isn’t the brother I grew up with. Tony told me once after I graduated high school to not cause trouble with mom and dad they are to old. What a hypocrite. Most fights that I listened to growing up were from him starting it. I don’t feel safe around him and didn’t when I last saw him unwillingly and mom left me with him and my two kids. Yes I am sour about that.

I am a very logical and simple person that as a.d.d. and anxiety. I don’t play games with people.

I am not going to pretend that we are a happy normal family. 

Denise once told me that she no longer as a older brother then the next week it was expected to act like it never happened. I was always confused by this.

I don’t say one thing and do another.

I don’t know how mom found out I have been back on many occasions to lake Charles. Perhaps it was common sense. 

OR

You or my siblings seen me and couldn’t be bothered to come to me seeing I didn’t see you. Most hurtful I must say.

Someone reported back to you of such information.

Either way no matter the answer before yesterday and since Denise communicated with me before Michael Scott died anyone could have called me. My phone was open. No one did though.

I don’t respond well to random questions on messenger I would rather you call me. Talk to me but none of you have ever done that.

It’s a two way street and I gave up some years ago with me being the only one trying to communicate.

Last time I talked to Denise she told me to not go through any trouble going to Michael’s funeral. She told me this several times in a tone that I took as I wasn’t really welcome. At the time we had one car and Adam worked 7 days a week most of the time still does. No one called me offering a ride or called me asking why I wasn’t there. I haven’t ever talked to Denise since. 

I haven’t talked to my brothers since November 2020. 

I was mostly raised as a only child with siblings in and out only ever causing trouble and a dad that was gone two weeks.

I refuse to talk about dad I have made my peace with him years ago.

I will say this:

Did you know I asked dad once before he sick why won’t either of you call me why do I always have to call. He told me that mom is the way she is, in the tone of it’s just the way it is.

When it comes to Adam I find it insulting that he is judged upon his family and I am given the tone none of yall like him. Adam is not his family. No I don’t communicate with them they are his family and his problem not mine.

Reasons why. Why?

Perhaps it’s because I don’t want to bother. I don’t want to deal with the questions, fussing and undertone of y’all being mad. Which is why I stopped asking for help when yall couldn’t ever help. 

Before any of you try to say well you could have gone to Denise’s. Splitting my little family up wasn’t an option for me. 

Why after all these years do you want to bother now? Why do you now care? 

I think logically. And answering you in messenger would have been to much.

I will say this once. Yes I am bisexual. No I didn’t ever act on it and won’t ever. No reason to thus no point in explaining this or “coming out”. No good would come of it. Yes Adam knows.

I have tried to move on, put it in my past for the kids and keep the communication open for the kids. So any of you can still see them grow up. I tried talking to mom in video calls and it was like pulling out teeth. Why bother?

I have long ago accepted that I am the black sheep of the family.

After this I am done. Don’t bother calling I blocked everyone yesterday.

I have nothing more to say.

(her response May 8, 2024, 7:22 AM)

I am sorry you still have all this  angry in you for me and your sister and brothers. You need to get help. Don’t you realize we reacted to you because of your attitude towards us. 

 As for not helping you, you didn’t ask. I was going through a lot getting over losing Don. I still struggle some days. And now Michael is gone. He finally got himself clean when the accident happened. .

  Hurricane Laura did a lot of damage to the house. I stayed 6 months at Dee’s. But I am home. The house is so much better but I still struggle. I have had knee surgery twice. But get along on my own fine. 

  Please get over your problems Anne, life is too short. Please believe me, I love you and the kids so much. I miss you. Thanks for the pictures, they look happy and well. When you come into Lake Charles, please call. That’s all I ask. 

------------------------------------------------------

Since then, I haven't spoken to any of them because I finally gave up. I haven't gotten any messages, emails, texts, or calls, although, for a while, they were blocked; I am positive I could have found a way around it.

Now, though no one is blocked, I don't care anymore. I just want peace and to move on. I wish I could call them and talk about my kids, but I know I can't without being questioned and talked to like I was a teenager.

Most of the time, it plagues my mind if no contact was the right decision. If everything is my fault and it is all in my head.

I would like to think it was what I thought was best for my kids and to live happily with my husband.

It feels good to journal this here. I stay to myself and help take care of my family besides writing, FNaF graphic novels and diamond painting now.

Thank you,

Until next time, Ann