#you have so much hate ingrained in your brain that can take years to unlearn

[theangrypomeranian]

"you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" feels like something an ex Christian would say to someone who didn't grow up in any kind of religion

[bilboyagathechickenfootedhobbit]

I am 42 years old and it literally took until I turned 40 to really and truly detox and reprogram my brain from the anorexic brainwashing I was subjected to in the 90’s. I think it may be hard sometimes for younger feminists to understand why older women can be so powerful in some ways and then fall back to “oooh, don’t call me ma’am it makes me feel so OLD! I don’t look that old do I???” The 1990’s were……ugly. Granted, some of the things younger women have to deal with today make me see red and want to go on a killing spree, but every era has its own challenges and for us in the 90’s it was heroin chic and skewed views of age. We were constantly bombarded with images of soaking wet, skeletal models and told that was the pinnacle of beauty. Then we would consume media in which a woman only a few years older than us would be playing a MOTHER to a male actor five years her senior. My god, the way the media ripped apart Renee Zellwegger for being “fat” in Bridget Jones Diary probably caused more cases of eating disorders than any other movie that came out in the 90’s.

The 90’s were the beginning of people having next to no idea what a normal woman looks like. People gasp when I tell them my age and remark how I don’t LOOK 42! I do. I very much look my age and I fucking LOVE IT because god DAMN have I EARNED this face and body with four decades of living. But nobody knows anymore what natural 42 looks like because we’ve had women in their 30’s playing grandmothers and women in their 20’s being the love interest to men in their 70’s and nobody knows what any age looks like anymore and we all seem to assume that women immediately dry up and become bitter old hags the second they turn 30. I honestly think that’s why people are shocked by my appearance; they truly think that by now, I should be wrinkled with paper thin skin and liver spots. Which, if things go well, I will be one day. Fingers crossed.

The point being, when you are raised in an era of body positivity (however poorly executed and imperfect as it may be at times), you have a lot less to unlearn than someone who was raised being told “90 lbs is fucking fat and disgusting and you’re an embarrassment.” No, seriously, go watch some Americas Next Top Model or The Biggest Loser if you want to see what my generation had to work to undo. It’s a LOT. And even the strongest, most empowered women I know will default to self-deprecation or insecurity because it’s what we’ve known for LITERALLY FOUR DECADES.

And I hate it. I hate it so much. I have seen so many of my female peers go through so much and come out so strong and then they just…..pinch their belly and say they need to drop another ten pounds. WHY??? TAKE UP THAT SPACE WITH YOUR STRONG AND CAPABLE BODY, BABE.

My own mother, in the last months of her life, suffering from dementia…..all she could focus on was how fat she was. This was a woman who taught generations, who opened people’s minds and worldviews, who traveled the world and raised two kids and impacted so many lives in so many ways, and all she could focus on as her mind went was how fat she was. It was so deeply ingrained in her to criticize her appearance that, even after she forgot my name and who I was, even after she forgot her own name and who she was…..she remembered that she was supposed to hate her own body.

I see photographers doing photoshoots with older women to help them see their innate beauty and I really appreciate that. I befriend grandmas quite a bit, and always make a point to tell the older women in my life how much I appreciate and value their friendship and wisdom. I think older women just sometimes need to be reminded of how much they mean to us, how so many of us look to them for inspiration and advice. As I’ve gotten older, I have basically become invisible, which to me is fucking fantastic, but I can see how, with women who have always placed their value on what others think of them, the invisible nature of getting older is quite the slap to the face. How can you gain approval if you’ve always looked outward for it and now nobody sees you?

I don’t really know where I’m going with this other than to say, I’m sorry. I wish you had more body neutral older women around. I wish it wasn’t considered radical for women to simply respect their bodies for what they do and not get hung up on the minutia of appearance. I wish it hadn’t taken me until 40 to look at my body and go ‘okay really, this time I mean it. I’m fine with you. We’re good.’ I wish every generation of women didn’t have to face some new form of fuckery concerning our vessels.

But also…..there are body neutral/positive older women out there. I’m one of them. I don’t always love my body but I accept it and what it does and offer it the same compassion and grace it gives me. Why would I hate the vessel that allows me to paint, to eat, to hug my child, to kiss my loved ones? Why would I hate my age? I lived every moment of my life that got me to this point, for better or for worse, so why deny the years that brought me here? They were good years. There were bad ones, too, but they only seemed bad in comparison to the good ones. Yin and yang, baby. Can’t taste the sweet as strongly without experiencing the sour.

You have such compassion in your words; I hope you carry it with you through whatever life brings you. It’s so easy to be angry, but it’s much harder to look past your frustrations and feel compassion for the people angering you. You have shown that in your words and that alone will help the women around you. Just keep at it ❤️

So sick and tired of the focus on women's ""beauty"". Older women seem to be more focused on looking "young" than they do being healthy. Skincare isn't by itself terrible, but it's often used as a proxy to the same problem and is just as much of an industry. Why is the focus on the "beauty" of my skin? I know more about how to take care of my female body at 20 than many older women do. I know more about my cycle and how my body functions. My skin is not the most important part, especially if it's not getting in my way or hurting me. The focus is always cosmetic. As usual.

It's just depressing to see, because I respect the wisdom of my older women; but I almost find myself (a bit unfairly) wanting to turn them to my side. My teacher (and friend!), one of the most bright and incredible women I know, often complaining in jokes about her weight. So many of my male teachers have been overweight. Not a single one has shown this behavior. My therapist, another brilliant and diligent woman, telling me not to make her feel even older and worrying about her age, just because I asked her how I should address her. This isn't uncommon, it's baseline. I've never met a woman who doesn't mention some form of this when I ask. It's discouraging. There's nothing more flourishing than having people to look up to who are unapologetic about their age, who focus on living healthy and productive lives, and these women are, by all means, so close to that! They're successful, they're brilliant, they're free, and yes, they are perfectly, physically fine! But for some reason, it always needs to come back to their ""looks"", or their age, or some other socially imposed insecurity I've never seen many men blink at to the sheer scope these women do. And I've had so many women in my life like this. My mother, my other therapists... No offense to her, but my sister doesn't even like the *idea* of being called Señora and I think it's telling how much women seem to despise it, while Señor is almost coveted.

This is not normal. This is not fine. And it shouldn't be radicalizing of me, or "feminist", to just want to live a normal life where I can be myself without making a statement, where I'm not afraid of just becoming older and looking it. Where every amazing woman in my life isn't cutting herself down over the stupidest (and I'm sorry for saying that, I know their insecurities have a reason) reasons. So many skilled women I've met, and not a single one hasn't made repeated or offhanded comments about some aspect of her body that's not "attractive."

It's so discouraging, and makes me feel so alone; as if I'm very radical just to expect them to respect themselves on a deeper level. I want older women to be my role models in more manners of self-acceptance too.