#i WILL heal

[unluckyprime]

before & after

[shabbyshoebox]

I talk about my superiority issues!

I think that not being heard as a child combined with constantly being praised for being smart did end up messing me up bad. We love a superiority complex (/s)!

I have this thing where I subconsciously see myself as the smartest/best/specialest person in the room and if that turns out to not be the case I get really insecure and weird and irrationally angry???

My old therapist pointed out that I seemed to take every interaction as a competition (which I vehemently disagreed with at the time, iirc. But of course, like many things that piss you off in therapy, it's a needed observation)

But the thing is, it's not really clocked by others because you know, you're supposed to make people feel good, and you're not supposed to be a pretentious ass. Being a good person means being kind and understanding to others. By doing this I managed to have relationships, but because I never externally expressed these things, those ideas were never challenged and I kept them. Because I didn't feel comfortable expressing that side of myself, others could not redirect me.

Growing up, I wasn't given the opportunity to be heard. Mentally, it grew from "no one tries to understand me" to "no one can understand me", putting myself on a pedestal and distancing myself further from my peers. I was already born with two neurodevelopmental disorders (like most in my family), so I already felt majorly disconnected from the majority of the "human" experience. In fact, I actively sought out books with animal protagonists because I could relate to them better than the ones with kids I was "supposed" to relate to.

Because of my superiority issues, I've had a hard time connecting with people. I don't give people enough chances to understand me because I don't know if they can and I'm anxious about being judged (who isn't)?

I'm trying to combat it by mentally thinking "this person is smarter than me" when I'm talking with someone, which seems to be helping a bit, still a long ways to go.

I feel weird talking about it, because, again, it feels bad to talk to others about it. Like: "Hello friend, I've subconsciously viewed myself as above you for our entire relationship, can you comfort me about it and emotionally connect with me as if I didn't just insult you and our friendship?"

Like, no, that's batshit. I can't expect anyone to have no reaction to that and to keep calm while I talk to them about that sort of thing.

So, by addressing this externally via textpost, I should hopefully begin to work through this.

In the meantime, I'm developing some affirmations that may help me:

People are smarter than me

People are more skilled than me

People are capable of understanding me

I am capable of expressing myself in a way that others can understand

People are worth asking advice from

Others' skill is something to be admired, not envied

I'm not skilled enough to do everything. That's okay. Acknowledge those who are skilled for their dedication and growth.

I need help from others

Others can help me

Other people are not my competition

In conclusion, I'm trying. I'm acknowledging the problem. My feelings may be upsetting to people, and that's okay. I'm trying to understand that it's not impossible for me to be understood. I'm trying to understand that I am capable of using my words to describe how I am feeling in an accurate way. I'm trying to understand that people being upset with me is not an indicator that I'm misunderstood.

Thank y'all for listening.

(I accidentally added a poll and can't remove it because I'm on mobile, sooo)

[orgasming-caterpillar]

Today I will be kind to myself

[ruski-san]

włączyłem anonimowe pytania i szczerze mam w piździe czy ktoś mnie będzie wyzywał czy nie :> chce żeby każdy miał szanse mnie spytać o coś w jakiejkolwiek kwestii

[moriilese]

ask me anything,

and ill answer with my heart

[mr-combs]

"Do you think I deserved it all?

Ooh

Your flower's filled with vitriol

You built me up to watch me fall

You have everything and you still want more!

I try to be tough, I try to be mean

But even after all this, your still everything to me

And I know you don't care, and I guess that that's fine

But you know I can't let it go, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried

For so long...

It takes strength to forgive, but...

I'm not quite sure I'm there yet"

[lumigoldryn]

I messed up. I can’t keep doing this. I was doing so well too. I don’t know how these thoughts creeped in. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t what came over me. It was a mistake. It won’t happen again. I won’t let it happen again. I going to heal. I’m going to force myself to. I would never do or say these kinds of things to anyone else. So no. I’m not going to do this to myself anymore. I can’t. I can’t.

[justjohn4now]

I wonder if you still think of me....I'm so fucking high right now and you are back in my fucking head. Thinking of that last night... Why didn't I just answer your questions. It was so awkward. I wasn't sure why I was there. Like I thought I could save things. Maybe I could have. Maybe you still think of me. Maybe there is something missing in this new thing you have going on. I am missing you less and less each day and I am terrified of not missing you at all. I will hold your ring for you until you want it back. I know you don't see these but anything is possible. I am probably only letting myself do this because of how high I am. I miss you, your lips, your imperfect smile that was so perfect. The way you used to talk to me when we were exploring each others bodies. Doing "the thing". All the goofy faces you made in the pictures you sent. I still have your body wash in my shower and your Nike hoodie that was in my pillow for so long. You did not think that I loved you like I did and I get that. I only wanted to give you time to focus on yourself. I didn't think you would look for someone to fill that spot i once filled in your heart. I meant for us to work on yourselves. Alot of things were changing and I wasn't sure how to deal with it. Then when I saw the cut marks on your thigh(fuck! I miss those too). That bothered me so much. I didn't want to be around that kind of thing again. All the sadness, depression, lack of trust. I couldn't end up where I was in the previous relationship. That wrecked me. I made you a promise that I was yours... I wasn't going to go anywhere and I just needed to focus on all of the things I was going through. You scared me. It's still hard to think about someone else's hands all over the body that I adored and worshipped. As childish as it may seem...I hope he is lame in bed and you think about me and how I always made your pleasure my #1 priority. I'm not sure anyone can make me miss that part of you. We worked soooo well together. And we fit so well together every time we were wrapped up in each others arms. How every night we spent together we always fell asleep the exact same way. Always with my arm under your head and your hend on my chest. There is a lot that you think I never paid attention to...You will probably never know.... Im sorry. I'm am glad for the time we had and that I got to experience you and help you get out of the dark place you were stuck in. There are sooo many memories that I will cherish. And I will never forget your voice when you sang. Or the very slight lisp you had on certain words when you talked. Threatening me with the mellows or that gluten free boy. And all the other little things that were just ours. There is sooo much. ♥️💔❤️‍🩹

If you miss me...You know where to find me. I will still always be here for you.

[doccywhomst]

[good-death-for-the-lonely]

it's been 10 years...

🖤🩹

[doodledrawsthings]

i love being predictable

[hansoeii]

look at you, you're gorgeous!

[sighcomics]

practise disappearing

[meditating-dog-lover]

Mental health

Anxiety

Childhood trauma

Mild depression

Potential autism

[illusioncanthurtme--art]

Physically? I am sitting in my bedroom. Mentally? Spiritually? I AM DEAD ON THE FLOOR!!!!! THESE TWO HAVE KILLED ME!!!!

(Another drawing! This was originally attempt #1 at drawing stan, and then fiddleford just showed up. Kinda feels like them five minutes after the above acting like nothing happened though, so it works sdjkgkjfshj)

[wanderingibon]

anya deserved so much better