#so we wont meet again
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its the last day of school for me and im sick lol
#shouldn't have gone to school today tbh#all the girls are crying and im just there. completely out of it bc of ibuprofen#this is awkward lol#very boring experience 0/10 wouldnt recommend#also by 'last day of school' i mean like. after summer were going to a different one#so we wont meet again
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y'all ever think abt how it was julie having the affair and it is even said multiple times that she was the one who left him, yet wilson was still the one who left their home and moved in with house. like. he couldn't bear to stay in their home alone. he immediately ran to house and stayed on his couch for weeks. suffered through his pranks and his laziness and his manipulation. telling him he wants him gone while sabotaging his attempts to leave. and he only left once he got a girlfriend again.
#chyanne speaks#house md#hilson#hate crimes md#gregory house#james wilson#i think his inability to be alone is such an interesting quality of his that isnt touched on enough#like yes we all haha at his long string of unsuccessful relationships but we dont talk abt it all stemming from his inability to be alone#his first wife leaves him and then he remarried quickly#he cheats on the second wife and remarries quickly#the third wife cheats on him and leaves him and he immediately moves in with house#and then starts dating a patient and immediately moves in with her#but!!! then he moves into the hotel and is alone for like almost a year! and honestly he NEEDED IT#bc GROWTH happened in that year and he meets someone who doesn't fit his M.O. who breaks away from the mold#although he does immediately move in with her too but still. amber was different. she was the step in the right direction#and then she dies.#and then wilson throws himself into the left field. everything needs to change. he's spent so long fearing being alone.#so he tries to leave so he is completely and totally alone without house to fall back on#but house needs him. he needs him too much. they need each other too much.#and he falls back to house again. and he's content that way. he's always the most content when he's with house. always feels the least alone#and then sam comes back into his life and ruins e v e r y t h i n g#he falls right back onto those old patterns. kicks house out and moves her in. and then what happens??? of course??? she leaves him. again.#and then he's alone again and it hurts. he gets a cat that we only hear about twice and then never gets brought up again#but wilson has his kitty. he has house. he's not alone. he can be content.#and then house fucks everything up. he goes to prison. wilson is alone again.#im honestly SHOCKED that wilson didnt remarry in that year they were apart but he was rly trying to change!#he was working on himself and trying to make changed he thought would be good for him#and then house comes back. and house won't LET wilson be alone. he wont leave him alone.#and it's exactly what wilson has been yearning for since the day he drove that car into cuddys house#and in the end. as long as he had house that was all that mattered. as long as he had house he wasn't alone.
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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out of sight out of mind is real to me. havent seen my mother in two weeks and im like who is this bitch who keeps sending me messages and calling me. blocking the number fr. what in the harrassment is this. stop.
#i get so pissed when she texts or calls. like we'll talk when we see each other next. stop wanting to tell me things.#or you wont have things to say when we meet. and youll tell them to me again. and ill have to nod and pretend i havent heard them alreadyyy.
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🧸♡ ⋆｡˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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tales of the tardis is enough for me, it is, it really is, after all those years, jamie & zoe finally got their memories back & if that's the last we see of jamie mccrimmon that was fantastic, it was more than enough, there is & now will always be a conclusion
but
if i had to bring any classic who companion back to new (new?) who it would be jamie, it would always be jamie because the idea of jamie meeting a modern doctor sends me just a tad feral, just a a little bit balls to the wall feral.
#jamie mccrimmon#even though i would sell my soul to sarah jane imagine jamie in school reunion#can you imagine if jamie had been in the giggle#i dont know how they would have transported him through time but#yet i think about him being there and meeting fourteen and donna#fourteen sees him and just stops working#donna sees him looking at jamie and she hasnt seen the doctor look at anyone like that aside from rose#she said it was like a furnace looking back at the time she was the doctordonna but when she was the doctordonna i have always thought#she must have seen the doctors memories of jamie i headcanon she saw those memories quite clearly#i wonder if the doctor ever thought about what the time lords did to jamie when he had to wipe donnas mind#imagine donna and jamie interacting#donna wants to dropkick the time lords#donna and jamie being there when the bi regeneration happens jamie is with him this time they wont be torn apart again#apparently all doctors have been hatched across the galaxy the bi regen was the miracle of rebirth#so jamie does leave fourteen and donna#but we see him running towards a different tardis that just landed#because as soon as two was respawned i just know he went back for jamie#jamie gets to spend the rest of his life with his doctor#i love mel i love her i love her i love her but she just pops to earth here and there because glitz isnt gone 😩#they are still causing havoc in space together#i know his actor passed away but it still hit me hard knowing the character is now gone too 🥺#he may have been an antagonist at various points but that dude was snazzy#classic who#doctor who#whoniverse#this is what happens when i dont sleep for 24 hrs
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oughh......
#laya plays dragon age#da2#oc: liam hawke#this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that#but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH.#i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok#bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years#years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard#and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left#and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it#varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home#drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother#and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life#and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision#but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings#and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade#and he cant do it#and he hates it so much. but he wont do it.#and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways#if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands#as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even#the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it#but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too#if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more#''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me#dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more#or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever#anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again
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I have experienced my first interdepartmental nonsense at work. I think that Officially makes me a member of this office now
#been working closely the past few weeks with another department on developing a new Thing#we just had the final meeting about it yesterday and i stayed late to get all the changes implemented and publish it#woohoo! my project is out there and being used by the first wave of users! I Am Getting A Good Grade In Office for sure#...other department reached out to me today seemingly not understanding how the thing that i had designed to their specifications—#and which they had had multiple meetings with both me and my coworker who was helping me about—worked#and asking me to make changes to it that frankly do not make sense#had to ask as politely as possible 'hey. What Is The Point?'#theyre gonna get back to me on that#they also didnt take into account how the seemingly arbitrary changes theyve asked for would interact with some other factors#met with my other coworker to make sure i wasnt insane and he brought up that also like#people are already Using The Thing#he has historically been in charge of the thing and as a rule we dont Change The Thing this frequently#bc people are already Using It. if we change it then everyone who already started using it will have to go back and completely Redo It#historically we have waited at least one full week to change the thing (not <24 hours) for this very reason#and if we do that then the data from our first week wont match up with the data from the second week#and once again it is unclear what this change would even accomplish#we are perplexed. i have requested a meeting with me + coworker + boss + other department to ask 'hey... what??'#me and coworker are the Numbers Guys so. hopefully they will listen to us about the Numbers#rambling
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@galamalion trained it even before he met luffy! how did he know! he havent even thought much about sex! let alone sucking cawk. his heart guided him...
oh my god what if in case zoro somehow wasnt a virgin before luffy, he only topped???? 😱 mr. "ill join your organization if i get to be the boss" who is this man! i dont know him!
#luzo#sorry again#your life was so fake you were so aimless and immature#i do love that we get to meet johnny and yosaku cuz they show you that zoro wasnt completely hopeless he had the capacity to make friends#but luffy is what really changed him wow#what dick you are invested in does to a mf#(i wont gas luffy up too much i dont think he gave it to zoro good since day one. but my god did he try)
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bitching abt my job again
tags contain frank mentions of transphobia and homophobia
#this happened like. i dont know. a month ago or something but i still keep playing it in my mind#for those unawares: theres been a fucking community outrage over the pride display at the library i work at#and have been working/volunteering at for 5 years#only it never went up. it never went up. bc the mayor came in as a quote unquote private citizen and demanded it taken down#despite the fact that patrons are required to fill out complaint sheets and even then it isnt ensured a display will be taken down#so obviously its a misuse of power that hes spinning into him being a concerned citizen#and i made a whole post bitching abt it and im doing so again (hi) bc i didnt like how our director responded to it#and yeah. so there was a board meeting after that right. well i set up for them as i usually do and let me tell you. that was the first#--time more than like 6 people came to spectate. it was insane.#and i guarantee that this months meeting wont have half as many people that fucking crammed themselves in there to complain abt gay ppl#bc of course they dont give a shit about the library#they just care about how scary the queers are#and yeah it was a shit show. i learned we have a far right organization in our town#and i was sat right in front of her husband the whole time#(standing actually. i was standing between him and my moms chair and he was sighing and grumbling the whole time bc he couldnt muster the#--balls to ask the 5 foot 2 fag in front of him to please move lol. small victories right)#when i say her i mean the leader of the freaks. idk. chairman? anyway she had a whole speech about how like queers are bad and cutting#the penises off little babies or whatever and she pulled up this passage from a book that was part of the display#its some book by the youtuber rowan ellis-- here and queer i think was the title. it was cataloged in our ya section and contained passages#talking about like having safe sex and what dildoes are and all that kind of shit. just really clinical descriptions imo. im not familiar w#--the youtuber really but im assuming they wrote it as informational bc shocker: teens be having sex. unsafe sex. especially queer teens#sourse: i was one of tgose#and...think for a moment. remember when you were a teen. youd rather fucking DIE than listen to your parents give you the sex talk#and chances are if youre gay your parents arent even going to know WHAT gay sex is (hugging without shirts on) so youre going to look#--elsewhere#bc if youre a hormonal fucking teen youre going to figure it out one way or another! especially if youre from (cough) a podunk shitwater#--town like mine that ran on abstinence by way of sex education#i think teens deserve to have access to that sort of information through trusted means. and i do mean het teens too#but no these fucking morons put on airs like everyones waiting till marriage--no! not my becky sue! as if they werent fucking around in#--holy shit i reached taglimit. i didnt ecen know there was one. hold on
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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name some canonically nonbinary characters why dont you
#toy txt post#those 'name 10 female characters' posts got me rolling my eyes again. just ultimate performative bullshit huh#its giving i think picking a favorite blorbo os activism. by shipping an appropriate amount of femslash in a way that is genuine#but not overbearing or that might be fetishizing! and im not forgetting the characters for the ships not like those nasty m/m shippers!#and by doing this i will reinstate abortion rights. with my Feminist Tastes. im putting words in ppls mouths and being petty but good god#like everyday this shits on my dash. can you all just start blocking the annyoing misogynist m/m shippers you dislike then?#'dont name a male character you just call babygirl' are you normal about trans headcanons? im sure im SURE you are getting the most#annoying fuckers in the world in your notes just calling male characters babygirl without it being a trans headcanon but i have seen so#many posts of this flavor now. are you consuming media correctly? are you consuming the correct media correctly? are you doing it right?#are you meeting your ship quota? are you caring about the characters outside of their ships enough? are you shipping the characters of#color the right amount the right ways to the right characters but not too much cos that might be fetishy? are you headcanoning them aspec?#are YOU aspec? we'll give you a begrudging pass for headcanoning marginalized characters as Aspec MAYBE but dont get too annoyed about#seeing ships and you have to be so polite about everyone equating aspec headcanons with infantilization with no thought to the irony that#in doing so theyre infantilizing aspecs. its honestly 50/50 if you get a pass to headcanon a character as aspec. but we will talk about#doing so as a one to one example of writing the character out of the way of your ship. you and i are not the same. name ten female#characters. name 5 of their albums and recite all the lyrics from memory. produce 5 pieces of heartfelt fic or fanart to prove your genuine#love of the character. are you going to be normal about it if someone names a cano ically male character they headcanon as a trans fem?#or will you start on some shit about how that doesnt count cos shes not a real girl? or do you know better than to say that bc that would#be genuinely shitty. are you doing it right? are you doing it right? are you doing it right? prove your fandom activism to me. write a#feminist retelling of the narrative. what if i name 10 female characters that im headcanoning as transmasc or nonbinary and calling them#babygirl? are you doing it right? am i doing it right yet? am i performing fan engagement correctly?#am i correctly engaging with fan content? is this going to please your algorithm? but not too much. just a little spicy. a little punk. but#not so much i get banned from the platform. for fandom. am i doing it right? are you shipping Pure and Wholesome Ships?#are you Cool and Edgy? do you only ship characters that hate each other that kill each other that are siblings that are problematic? have#you gone so far the other way you think youre cool to scoff at those silly tiktok puritans who only ship pure ships? you wont even think#about a show if its Politically correct you want it to call you a slur. cos youre tough and cool not like those mentally weak uncritical#tiktok puriteens. are you winning son? are you winning? are you having fun yet? are you doing it right? pass my gauntlet#are you a fake nerd girl? name five obscure comics characters to prove youre a real fan. do you hate women? are you winning?#are you winning at correctly engaging with media content? do you get a sticker? is there a sticker for naming 10 female characters? what#about 20. do you completly write off media with Less Women? put your money where your mouth is then. ship the girls in fast and furious
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the pangs of grief return like the ankle you sparined when you were 13....
#i miss her so bad and i miss where i used to live#im going back to catsit in december but it wont be the same without her :(#she was my best friend. and now shes gone and nothing will bring her back.#i just hope if theres an afterlife ill get to meet her again and we can spend forever together
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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i am back :) i got to know new people and went to see pretty places. kinda got the feels by someone for the first time in so so long. its kinda hitting me like a truck its so hard to be gay.
i might take my time but here is a preview of the characters i want to paint silly fanarts of next
PSA: (op is currently going through intense lesbian yearning episode! it will last for a while pls be kind🥹)
#she was so perfect#i cried a lot after she left#bc her gaze was insanely kind and powerful#bye i literally have no one to tell this to#that why i am venting here#i texted her but i fear we wont meet again#i rarely ever have a desire to make friends and actually loving someone romantically feels like a miracle#ugghhh#don't ignore this actually
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#its been so long since i actually made a friend#vent#that its hard#to realize that they like me#that they want me there#and that they miss me#that i assume that they dont care and they wouldnt want me there anyway#after who would care about lil ole me#and then they ask#hey where were you why didnt you come#didnt you say you wanted to meet#im just too used to pulling away at the slight bit of disinterest#that it surprises me that they like me#the concept is so foriegn to me#i feel like if i get too close im going to be so dissapointed#know ing so many times that i got sttached that i loved and got spat in the face on#the amount of times i decided to pull away for a bit and then we never talked again#it had happened so many times that it has affected my self esteem to the point the thought that i am a useless person that no one could car#for let alone even see had become a fact in my mind i feel so damn invisible sometimes i cant even feel myself#when people show interest i smile and wave knowing fully well that its all just temporary and i wont see them after the first 3 meetings#it hurts so much#i feel unlovable yet when someone tries i cant believe it and end up ghosting them#i need to believe in myself more#i need to learn to love abit more#even if it ends up hurting me#im sorry#but i need to do this for myself#this person feels like a good person#i should give them a chance#even if it feels like ive already messed up
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