#so many aspects of this situation would never happen now

[alianoralacanta]

WMSC Analysis (28-07-2007)

Context: This is my first incomplete post that I plan to put in this La Canta Magnifico Blog archive. I am not sure why I only have the incomplete version, but hopefully this gives a little insight into the creation process. This post was for a critical point in the 2007 F1 season, namely the "Spygate" second ruling concerning McLaren's knowledge or lack of same of 780 pages of Ferrari information that somehow ended up at McLaren. This was the occasion for the $100 million fine McLaren received for the information spreading more than it initially knew, as well as being ejected from the 2007 Constructor's Championship. I don't have any blog posts in the saved archive covering the other events in the Spygate sequence directly, but if you don't know what this is talking about, I'm happy to fill you in. I generally write my blog entries in one piece. I start with an idea and a mental sketch of what I need to do to turn it into a post. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are checked as I go - my standard typing speed incorporates all this because I have a lot of practise at typing, thinking and checking simultaneously. As I finish each paragraph, I check it with the previous paragraphs, because I have a bad habit of introducing ideas in an awkward sequence otherwise. I then look back again at the end of each section, to ensure the plan itself still works. For more complex post plans, I commonly find myself adding new sections at this point. At the end, I do one more structure check, followed by a final proofreading pass. This incomplete blog suffers quite a bit from spelling issues in particular; I have made no effort to correct these, except for occasions where the meaning of the sentence changed. I almost never wait after finishing a post to post it; the La Canta Magnifico Blog archive series is the only exception… apart from this post's original appearance. I'd been checking for the transcripts during the development of the post, since these had been promised. I was about to post when the transcripts showed up, so I felt it best to add comments about those in the same post. It is unclear that some of the legal points mentioned here would hold in any judiciary function, be that a court, the FIA or anywhere else. Finally, WMSC means World Motor Sports Council. It was at the time the highest committee in the FIA for judicial matters that had never previously been judged. Stewards were not involved as the issue did not point to any specific race. Warning! Very long post alert!

Firstly, a legal disclaimer. I was intruiged, and not a little worried, when I heard that the FIA intended to publish its battery of evidence for its decision. In my previous post on McLaren/Ferrari, I pointed out that this was surely part of playing the case in public. This is in fact illegal, since there are other legal proceedings involving this case running at the moment. Any publication by the FIA could be considered prejudicial to those cases. Ironically, the FIA has noticed these cases (in point 1.8 of the full text), yet it has not absorbed the legal consequences.

The internal investigations to which the WMSC refers include McLaren's investigation into Mike Coughlan (currently suspended) and Ferrari's into Nigel Stepney (currently sacked). In theory, the case should remain open without any party needing to appeal. The judgement and the publication of the proceedings from which these quotes are derived amounts to a public trial of McLaren. This is against the law in most civilised countries. In fact, the law is such that the WMSC should not have judged McLaren at this point. McLaren could send the FIA through the civil courts for that alone, if it felt so inclined. The fact that the prejudgement is having serious negative consequences for McLaren, the FIA and Formula 1 obliges me and many other commentators to speak out. In my case, I am only quoting those parts necessary to make this post make sense.

Normally, there would be no problem with publication of evidence supporting a decision, and would in fact benefit those of us who wish to understand the sport better. Normally, the FIA does not provide that evidence. Wierd…

Unless otherwise stated, all quotes come from "WMSC Decision In Full", published by the FIA.

1.5 In response to the charge, McLaren made extensive written submissions in advance of the 26 July WMSC meeting and made detailed oral argument at the meeting itself. McLaren did not dispute that Coughlan had come into possession of Ferrari confidential information but argued, inter alia:

(i) that the Ferrari confidential information in question had not been circulated within McLaren;

(ii) that McLaren had neither used nor benefited from the receipt by Coughlan of the Ferrari confidential information; and

(iii) that the actions of Coughlan in receiving and dealing with the Ferrari confidential information were those of a "rogue employee" for which McLaren should not be held responsible.

These three points will need to be referred to extensively in the following argument. Normally, a court considering this sort of case would ask the company to pay the punishment and then the company relays the punishment (or an appropriate proportion thereof) to the perpetrator(s) among the staff, if sufficiently severe. The immensity of the punishment prevents this from occuring (can you seriously imagine Mike Coughlan paying a $100m fine?). Nonetheless, these three points are the reason the WMSC had to meet a second time.

2.3 All relevant parties (including McLaren and Ferrari) were informed of the new meeting and were given copies of the new evidence put before the WMSC (in some limited cases, after redaction of confidential information).

In other words, most of the information was publicly availabe. Strangely enough, the only "information" publically available were the widespread cases of mud-slinging which put me off writing about this case earlier in the summer. It was disgusting then, and now it just stinks. Using that as evidence would surely be irrational. Therefore, more of the case is based on confidential information than the FIA cares to admit.

2.5… In light of the strong imperative in the interests of the sport to issue a swift ruling, the following does not constitute an exhaustive list of the elements considered nor does it purport to be a summary of all of the evidence put before the WMSC.

This is a very important point. It means that the WMSC has, by necessity, interpreted its evidence in order to render swift justice. As pointed out in my disclaimer, this is quite a problem. In any case, interpretation is prone to biases at the best of times. When it's done quickly, errors creep in. That said, it is only possible to provide a definitive verdict on whether an interpretation is accurate if all the available evidence is presented. Therefore it would be unwise to assume that the WMSC is incorrect - but it would be equally unwise to treat the WMSC evidence base as if all the evidence leans one way. This is particularly the case since the swiftness of the case obliges weighting towards providing evidence in support of the ruling. Contra-indications would be expected to be short on the ground.

3.1 In the period after the 26 July Decision, the FIA was made aware of a specific allegation that e-mails relevant to the FIA's investigation had been exchanged between certain McLaren drivers.

I have noticed some people on the internet cast doubt over whether e-mails would be acceptable in a conventional court of law. They would be. In fact, e-mail evidence is key to a lot of cases nowadays, along with other new-fangled technologies such as text messages (which are important later on in this case, too). The key reason is that these can be written down and permanently recorded on paper. E-mails quite often are in business contexts, and with appropriate technology, so can texts. E-mails are particularly acceptable in law courts because they are easily printed in a way that retains all original formatting and records the day and time sent. They can be queried, even in printed form (since they are digital, there is always the possibility that an e-mail has been edited or even faked - though there are ways of testing for whether either has occurred). The other thing is that it is not normally possible to use e-mails as proof of certain forms of contract (such as employment contracts - these still have to be presented to the worker as a paper document and signed), but that won't trouble us here.

Suffice to say that in the absence of a reason to doubt the e-mails, they are valid evidence in civil and FIA courts alike.

3.3… Given the importance of establishing the facts and that the information might not come out any other way, the FIA offered the assurance that any information made available in response to the letter [to the three drivers] would not result in any proceedings against the drivers personally under the International Sporting Code or the Formula One Regulations.

This is why the drivers did not get punished. There are other types of cases where this sort of amnesty is offered, the best example being EU cartel law. The EU has a sliding scale of punishment discounts given to offenders according to the extent and timeliness of their assistance. In fact, the whistleblower is exempted completely from any punishment, while other members of the cartel may get up to 50% of the punishment removed if they assist fully and early enough. Naturally, those who stay silent and are convicted get the full punishment. It is used specifically to collect evidence that might otherwise be very difficult to obtain, and to set up a "race to confess". A brilliant example of how effective this can be was the Virgin Atlantic/British Airways cartel, which was broken by the former. The latter avoided some punishment because it assisted with the enquiries as soon as it knew the cartel had been exposed.

It may seem a deviation to mention this, but the FIA is apparently trying to do the same with the letters as the EU does with cartels. The difference is that instead of getting a "race to confess", its all-or-nothing policy gives those who do not confess early no incentive to confess at all. That said, the fact that this was only ever offered to the three drivers and to whoever originally brought this case to light. I add the last bit because the FIA has had a policy since 2003 that any individual bringing word of an occurence of cheating to the FIA would be entitled to anonymity, amnesty and a $1m bounty. I wonder who received the bounty, but by definition we are unlikely ever to find out.

There is also the point that other members of McLaren were not given this opportunity to confess and gain amnesty. This defeats the point of the amnesty rule, because it presumes that the other members of McLaren have nothing to offer that is worth amnesty. Equally strange is that McLaren's second tester, Gary Paffet, neither received a letter nor was asked to provide any other form of testimony. Unequal treatment of suspects is not acceptable behaviour. Add to this the word that Ron Dennis provided the evidence that triggered the second sitting of the WMSC and matters look even bleaker. If Ron confessed first and got the full heft of punishment, and the drivers who hung back got away without being punished, how is this justice? It's the reverse of the cartel law system, and would provide an incentive in future for everyone to clam up until the FIA is forced to pull out the big guns.

3.4…..Subsequently (at McLaren's request) both Mr. Alonso and Mr. de la Rosa made written statements to the WMSC verifying that these e-mails were sent and received and offering context and explanations regarding the e-mails.

This was the statement type I expected to see the moment I saw that the WMSC had used e-mail evidence. An e-mail that is not seen is very difficult to use as evidence in court. There is (anti-terror) law in the UK that obliges companies to keep business e-mails for at least two years. Since McLaren is in the UK, I would expect the staff of McLaren to produce e-mails on demand. Even if the McLaren drivers were legally only sub-contractors of McLaren, they would technically be self-employed and therefore bound by the same legislation.

I say "statement type" because it does not say that the e-mails themselves ever made it to the courtroom. They may have done and the WMSC may simply have decided to leave that evidence on the cutting-room floor, but there is a considerable legal difference between the court seeing the e-mails and only hearing about the e-mails. It is why phone conversations are not generally accepted in court on their own (as Eddie Jordan found out to his cost in 2003).

I have delayed this blog post because while I was analysing the original verdict, the transcripts turned up. I hope to do a reasonably sober analysis about what the transcripts tell us. I will discuss the parts I think are interesting in the order they appear in the document.

Please note that I am not really using the document to establish whether McLaren are innocent or guilty of the charges as presented; frankly I have my doubts as to whether even the WMSC were entitled to judge at this stage. And if they're not entitled, I'm certainly not! Instead, I'm curious about such things as how the WMSC meetings were conducted and the ethical and procedural implications of what happened in court.

July meeting: Preliminaries

First of all, I want to talk about what the WMSC transcripts reveal about how WMSC cases are conducted. It would appear that proxy voting is fairly common, since a quarter of those who could vote in July had sent proxy people. This makes sense because the WMSC members tend to have several other roles in motorsport.

I also like the fact that the WMSC has integrated multimedia links well into its meetings. Having been at meetings where the IT staff have been unable to connect even one person to a meeting, the ability of the WMSC to smoothly link up two people in different locations to the July meeting is very impressive.

McLaren seem to have been very concerned about confidentiality, to the point where they objected to the other teams being present for certain parts of the July meeting. Thankfully, the compromise which Ian Mill (McLaren's primary lawyer) offers to the court is sufficient to satisfy the WMSC. This is as well, since the whole matter of information confidentiality is at the centre of the incident to be discussed.

The second query is that the WMSC may not have had juristiction to charge McLaren. Usually, stewards or ASNs (the national organisers of motor racing) are the ones with the power to charge. Wierdly enough, the part that Max Mosely says the WMSC relies upon to charge McLaren is Article 27 of its own Statutes. This says that the WMSC may impose the sanctions provided for it in the International Sporting Code. I say wierd because this only justifies the September meeting, not the July one. It would have been better off using Ian Mill's suggestion that Article 16 (which states that the WMSC is charged with enforcing the International Sporting Code) is why the July meeting can be called. While the exchange proved the WMSC's legitimacy, it did not prove that they were particularly good at dealing with surprise queries.

Finally, the enumeration of evidence. The interesting point is not so much that McLaren sent their evidence out in pieces, but that Max immediately told Ian Mill that the final piece of evidence would not be permitted in court. Without knowing what was in the Ferrari Memorandum or the response, it is impossible to know whether a conventional court would have accepted this evidence. For that matter, if the evidence was in as irritable a tone as Max Mosely suggested, the documents would probably have been regarded in a fairly dim light even if they had been of a type that a conventional court would accept (courts generally prefer calm, collected reports and accounts).

In addition, Ron Dennis pointed out that some of the evidence never arrived at McLaren. That Mosely would say the documents had in a place providing evidence tends to suggest the documents were sent. Post office blunder or administration issue? We'll never know.

The "This is not a Court of Law" Statement

We now know that it was in response to the non-arrival of evidence at McLaren that Max made his statement about reopening proceedings if new evidence came to light.

I find the "This is not a Court of Law" sentence very interesting. It indicates that it does not supersede courts of law, and yet the pursuit of the case despite two courts of law looking at the same case seems… …contradictory.

There is also a very prophetic sentence, "it is much worse if such matters are unturned later, during the course of the proceedings or later". More evidence that the WMSC do not like surprises. Even though they must have known at that point that more evidence in one direction would turn up (there was and still is a pair of court cases pending, plus internal disciplinary procedures), they still felt it necessary to do the case now and punish the inevitable. This seems quite unfair to me - it would have been better to simply hold open the possibility of prosecution until such time as the extent of the problem was known.

McLaren's viewpoint

Traditionally, in courts of law, the prosecution goes first and the defense second. In that way, all the things the prosecution wants to include in their case can be defended against if appropriate. It is unusual that the defence is made to go first. Yet this is what happens.

The "whistle-blowing is endorsed in England" point is an important one, particularly for those not familiar with the English laws in that area. A "whistle-blower" cannot be discriminated against by their employer for bringing breaches of the law to the attention of the appropriate authority. In addition, certain protections apply during the court case to ensure that smear campaigns, for instance, are compensated for by the company upon a guilty verdict.

However, it must be noted that the authority has to be the appropriate one. Nigel Stepney could only have been protected by these rules if he'd reported it to the FIA directly. In fact, the FIA has a system for protecting "whistle-blowers". They're currently doing an ad hoc one with Fernando Alonso and Pedro de la Rosa, but more generally, a member of a team can confidentially tell the FIA about a rule breach by their own team and receive $1m upon a guilty verdict being reached. It is difficult to see why Nigel didn't take this option.

McLaren were technically correct not to reveal Nigel Stepney as the whistleblower, and Ian Mills' assertion on that score is correct. For all the tact involved in McLaren's chosen response (gently suggesting they were going to try components they did not intend to try), the problem is that they did not state their accusation clearly enough. An open accusation of cheating would have been clearer and more effective, and in all probability the FIA would never have suspected anything was amiss with the "whistle-blowing"… …they would have assumed that some clever paddock gossip had reached McLaren's ears or something. Since acquiring secrets is only illegal if the information was known to be another organisation's secret, the FIA would not have brought the events of Australia 2007 into the proceedings.

The first two actions taken as a result of the Australian GP are fine, but the firewall thing is strange. Surely everyone at a big company like McLaren already has a firewall? Surely it would have been simpler just to reconfigure the firewall. Or maybe McLaren's information security really was that lousy…

Ian Mills also brings Spyker into the discussion. It seems a bit strange, for Spyker (unlike McLaren) used its information in a straightforward challenge. As a result, it could hardly be charged with using the information to benefit itself in a performance sense. The charge of industrial espionage would still be theoretically possible, but depending on the exact path between the production of the diagram and that diagram's arrival at the FIA, it may well be that even that can be ducked under the "whistle-blower" rule. For instance, if someone from RBR came into Spyker's employ with the diagrams and then revealed them to Spyker, then technically it is the same as if the ex-RBR employee had simply sent them to the FIA, since the FIA classifies people according to their competitior (i.e team) rather than their individual status. However, it is unlikely that the Spyker-Red Bull-Super Aguri affair will ever be fully revealed.

Mosely's response to McLaren's viewpoint

It is clear that Mosely took a fairly dim view of Stepney's actions. Also that he misunderstood Ian Mills' explanation. How else could he have not heard at least some of the steps Ian Mills took to ensure that no repeat of the incident had occurred. (p8, July)

[theroundbartable]

Arthur is stuck in a time loop.

At first, he doesn't really notice it, since every day feels the same anyway. It's Merlin's good morning that irks him, however, because Merlin tends to switch up the routine a lot. When then the topic of the court meeting is the same, Arthur knows what's up.

In loop three, he asks Gaius for help and the man explains that only a powerful sorcerer could do such a thing and that he'd need strong magic to break it.

The next morning, everything is forgotten. And Arthur researches on his own what's happening. He spends days at the library until one day, he's just really tired.

And so, he stays in bed for a couple days, and lets Merlin complain for hours. It's soozing in an odd way. As days go by, Arthur gets bolder. He approaches Merlin in broad sunlight, hands him food or flowers in front of people and receiving odd stares.

Arthur waits for Merlin's reactions and they seem rather hesitant if also positive. Yet, when Arthur finally gathers up the courage to confess, Merlin rejects him.

Arthur spends another few loops in bed, while Merlin no longer carries any memories of the incident. Arthur then asks Gaius dejectedly who the most powerful sorcerer is he knows.

And Gaius says Emrys and tells him the man lives in the woods, a two day march from Camelot. Arthur loses hope. One loop equals a day. He'd never make it. That is IF the man is even there.

On loop xy, Arthur asks Gaius again, during a different time of day, where Emrys lives. And Gaius answers: about half a day ride north, Sire.

Arthur is confused. That doesn't make sense. Why would Gaius say something different than last time? Gaius was clearly part of the loop! Unless he's lying. And each time he lied he just said the first thing that came to mind.

Arthur stops avoiding Merlin at one point and accepts that Merlin won't respond to his feelings. So, he approaches him and tries to discuss magic issues with him. While Merlin warns him of magic like read from a script, Arthur argues positive aspects. Because he's trying to talk himself into turning to magic to maybe manage to save himself if he trained himself in the arts. Even if it takes years of the timeloop.

Unprompted, Merlin hugs him tight and looks at him with so much affection that Arthur is sure Merlin likes him.

Needless to day, Arthur is more than confused. And Arthur notices another thing. Both Merlin and Gaius react differently to him, depending on how he talks. If he's positive about magic, they are eager to help. Merlin looks most carefree then. And almost like he wants to ... Well, what exactly?

One loop, Arthur tests the theorie: Merlin, I'm going to lift the magic ban.

Merlin stops in his tracks and stares at Arthur. Arthur repeats himself, nervous of the response. Almost more nervous than he was when he got rejected.

Arthur: merlin?

Merlin: why

Arthur: because magic isn't as evil as my father had me believe.

Merlin: is this a trick?

Arthur: a trick? No. I just understand now that sometimes magic is needed. And I need magic right now. *Explains situation*

Merlin: ... arthur, i don't know how many timeloops you've been through

Arthur: you believe me? Uhhhh... 200, probably

Merlin: ... I can help you

Arthur: how?

Merlin: because I'm emrys

[gay-dorito-dust]

heyyy. I been binge reading some of your batboys works (i've really loved it all) and i was wondering if you could write something about going from friends to lovers with Dick and Jason. except the reader has some major abandonment issues and subconsciously starts drifting apart from them when she realizes she has catched feelings.

Thank you :)

I kinda rambled here

Dick

You knew of dick’s…commitment issues and failed romances and that was the moment you were fucked because you had soon found yourself falling for the man with the prettiest smile and charming personality.

And with that revelation being made when you were having a platonic movie night with Dick and he has his arm rested against your shoulder as his other hand rubbed your legs that were draped across his lap like it was something he did all time.

It felt perfect to spend your nights at Dick’s place, with Hayley cuddled up to your side and dick on you practically half on his lap, half on the couch, but then his phone goes off and suddenly you remembered that this man was going through a serious on and off relationship with some girl you couldn’t remember the name of, and neither could he from the looks of it as he texted back out of politeness.

Needless to say your best plummeted into your stomach as you suddenly stood up from the couch, startling both Dick and Hayley with your abruptness.

‘Hey are you okay?’ Dick said worriedly as he got up from the couch, hands outstretched to hold your shoulders but you were quick to step back to avoid his touch as though it were poison.

‘I just remembered that I’ve got something that I have to do.’ You blurted.

‘Right now? At 11pm at night?’ Dick asked, not fully convinced, finally managing to cupped your face in his hands as he rested his forehead against your own, forcing you to stare into his eyes full of concern that only made your heart clench painfully in your chest.

‘Yes, I’m sorry to cut movie night short but I have to go.’ You said, pulling away from him in fear of doing something stupid and quickly rushing towards the door with your jacket half on and your bag in hand, leaving dick to look at Hayley who was just as equally confused by what had just happened.

You didn’t wish for your heart to grow fond of Dick, but you couldn’t stop your heart from wanting more out of your friendship with him for Dick was perfect in every aspect, however you had been in situations where people have abruptly left your life inexplicably or when you stopped being their little pushover and began to push back when they push you first.

No longer the easily manipulated version of yourself that they wanted you to be as they left to find someone else to manipulate in your place.

You knew dick would never but you’ve been too far hurt before to be so certain that he wouldn’t end up abandoning you when you need him most. So you thought it was best to put distance between you two in hopes that he’d understand and move on without you, even if it did hurt but you weren’t about to put yourself back out their again after everything you’ve been through, it wasn’t worth the heartbreak that would untimely follow with unrequited love.

You’ll happily be his friend but nothing more when there were others out there who could fulfill him better than you ever could.

Jason

You knew you started to feel different towards Jason the moment you woke up and found him making breakfast for the both of you.

It was domestic and sweet that it made your mind wander to what else life with Jason could be like? Would he cuddle you as you slept? Would he let you borrow his jackets like he did now when you got cold? Thoughts like this and many more existed within your head all at the same time that you almost missed what Jason was saying.

‘Hey sleepy head, finally woken up have you?’ He teased as he moved over to you, kissing you on the forehead, something he has started doing recently without reason but it never failed to make your heart flutter.

‘Yeah.’ You chuckled as you felt your cheeks burn but also the fear fester within your chest.

‘I made breakfast for you chipmunk.’ Jason said as he smiled at you before pinching your cheek playfully. ‘So you better eat up before I eat it all myself.’ He adds and quickly you grabbed your plate and began to eat the food Jason made while swatting his hand away whenever it got too close for comfort.

After the brief but playful morning you were left to become worried about your blossoming feelings.

Sure Jason was sweet and loyal as a dog but you had been hurt by people who claimed to be loyal, who only ended up being selfish and as unfaithful as they come. So again while you knew that Jason was loyal, you couldn’t find it in yourself to believe that Jason would ever go for someone like you without getting bored and leaving you much like everyone else did.

So instead of comforting Jason and being upfront about what’s wrong with you, you decided to distance yourself from him and making excuses why you couldn’t hang out with him and Roy and or just ignored whenever he text or called. only to find that he tends to show up at your place when you didn’t answer his texts and calls with a worried look upon his face as he bombards you with questions as to why you were ignoring him.

Gotham isn’t a safe at all and so Jason tended to get protective of you and would want to keep tabs on where you were but not to the overbearing extent, but just enough to give himself a peace of mind of that you were okay. While it was sweet and all but still you found yourself wanting to distance yourself from him in order to guard your heart out of fear and anger towards how your heart practically melted whenever Jason came into view.

You knew better than to give your heart willingly to someone, having learnt it the hard way one too many times that you can only act as though unfazed when Jason did anything remotely sweet for you in general when in reality you were wondering what else he’d do if put in a romantic relationship.

However you could only make yourself satisfied with being his friend, nothing more if it means keeping yourself safe from all harm, whether it be by his hands or someone else’s. It wasn’t worth it and you weren’t exactly eager to trust someone with a heart so fragile it could break from even the slightest of grazes.

While you couldn’t shut yourself from Jason forever, you could however shut yourself off in other ways.

[lemonhemlock]

the reason why i don't think blood & cheese works without maelor is because it undermines the gravity of helaena's choice

in the books, as we all know, she has to choose which son to sacrifice. blood & cheese are going to kill one either way, so, whatever happens, if you want to get cynical about it, aegon will still be left with a male heir of his body. no, the horribleness of the choice lies not really in dynastic matters, but in basic humanity: which of your children are you willing to condemn to death? and helaena truly does try to make the best out of a bad situation, she picks not because she loves jaehaerys more, but because maelor is so tiny that she hopes he won't understand what's going to happen to him.

and she absolutely has to choose, because b&c threaten to rape her daughter if she doesn't. it's psychological torture. b&c just want to fuck her up in the head as much as possible and helaena tries her goddamnest to minimize the harm done to her family. to further compound on the tragedy, b&c kill the opposite child, so now she has to live out the rest of her days knowing that the son left alive is the son SHE herself marked for the axe. which is what understandably drives her to lose her mind

now, in the show, the "problem" blood & cheese have doesn't exist at all: that they can't supposedly tell the twins apart. but (as awful as it sounds, since it involves sexual assault) they could very easily check which child has male genitalia and be done with it. it's a "problem" that takes literal seconds to solve. they don't need helaena at all! it becomes irrelevant which child she points towards - b&c can always just check! she can't save jaehaerys in this situation no matter what she does, because b&c were never interested in jaehaera in the first place. in the books, she has the ability to save one child and this exact horrible "agency" bestowed on her torments her for the rest of her days. in the show, even had she pointed towards jaehaera, it would have been a narrative plot hole for the writers to have killed her without checking

likewise, in the books, she begs them to kill her instead, but, in the show, she offers them a necklace? you can't deny that the dramatic stakes are lowered substantially by making that change. which one of these options would have been more filled with pathos? personally, it just feels like this was phia's moment to shine and, while she did a good job with what she had, every narrative choice was somehow made to subdue this horrible event and left her only crumbs to work with. cinematically-speaking, this scene (as it was executed) does not even come close to the iconic moments that cemented GoT into the collective consciousness, which is very strange, as the subject matter is anything but mediocre

and that's not even getting into the rest of the plot holes that others have already pointed out, like:

- why are there no guards at helaena's door or anywhere else for that matter? not just on that hallway, but on many other hallways, she has to run quite a lot to get to alicent's chambers

- why is her room unlocked at the very least

- why is ALICENT's room unlocked, for that matter? she is having secret guilty sex with criston and she forgets to lock her door in a castle full of spies? anyone could have walked in

- not even getting into this whole thing just being one huge misunderstanding + minimizing daemon's and mysaria's roles :))

- NOT EVEN mentioning removing the trauma of alicent witnessing all of this, gagged and bound on her own bed, not being able to help or intervene in any way

i can understand the likelihood of these elements happening sometimes (maybe someone does forget to lock their door from time to time, maybe a guard does shirk their duties from time to time), but you can't write all of them at once without it turning all looney tunes. if you introduce too many aspects that defy logic in your story, it ceases to be believable and just becomes bad writing

___________________________________________

also, "they killed <the boy>"? not "my son" or "jaehaerys"? it sounds so removed, don't you think? helaena out there on her mother's floor dropping exposition for the audience 🥲

[ja3hwa]

♡ 𝐃𝐚𝐲 𝟏𝟗: 𝐃𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐲𝐩𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚/𝐂𝐥𝐢𝐭 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐲 - 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐇𝐰𝐚 ♡

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【sʏɴᴏᴘsɪs】 : late night conversations aren't supposed to end in sex... right?

『ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ』 : 3.10k

-> ɢᴇɴʀᴇ: College Au. Smut

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: Mingi x Seonghwa x Choi!Reader [FWB?]

[ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs] : Man handling. Clit play. Pet names. Dirty talk. Neck kisses. Fingering. Oral. Crying. Overwhelming amount of emotions leading to a type of subspace. Ass slapping. Making out. Sweet kisses. This is jut all over the place I’m sorry.

Thank you, @sisterofsomeone, for requesting Mingi and Seonghwa for this day. ♡♡♡

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You couldn’t recall the time but your hazy eyes and wobbly legs made it out to seem it was nearing at least three in the morning. You weren't a morning person and neither seemed to be your body. But you couldn’t sleep, no, you needed a glass of water before your throat shrivelled up on itself. You hummed and hared over it and in the end, you kicked up the blankets and headed to the kitchen. You had planned to down a bottle, waddle back to your room and lay staring at the ceiling until it was appropriate to officially get out of bed. That was until;

“I’m just saying I see no chance of that ever happening.” Seonghwa’s whisper, yelled through the dark home. You assumed he was in the lounge. Curious, you headed over to see what he might be talking about. Gazing into the room without detection, you notice Hwa sitting on the twin couch while another, scruff-haired, sits on the opposite couch. “Mingi…” He sighed, “I’m gonna lose my mind at this point.”

“We could always just, ask.” Mingi sounded as if he had discovered the perfect answer. But Seonghwa throwing a pillow in his direction says otherwise.

“For a dude majoring in social studies, you are stupid.” Hwa tisked, leaning back so his head would drape over the top of the couch. You decided to step out and make your presence known, wanting to join and see what this oh, so terrible situation they seemed to have put themselves in.

“Ask who?” You responded making both men physically jump. Neither of them must have heard you when you were slamming the fridge before. Seonghwa suddenly sat up straight while Mingi reached for the pillow that was thrown at him. You raised your eyebrow a little, choosing to sit on the loveseat by yourself. Were they acting weird or was it just your imagination?

“Oh just school drama, don’t worry about it.” Mingi was quick to cut off any more questions. They were definitely acting weird, and you hated that. Most of the time out of all your brother's friends, Mingi and Hwa were the friendliest. They treated you like a person and not some little girl or ‘San’s Little Sister’.

“Hmm…” You didn’t know how to respond that wouldn’t turn into something sour. So you chose to just let it go. It’s not like it was the first time one of your brother's friends cut you off because it was ‘school-related’ even though they were all in their second-to-last year in Uni while you had only just started. On top of that they treated you as if you were still this young eighteen-year-old. Most of them even forgetting you were twenty-one already.

“Sorry doll. It’s just…We don’t need to bore you with our stupid drama. Besides I’m more interested to hear about that boyfriend of yours. How have you two been getting along?” Seonghwa diverted the conversation as easy as breathing. One of his many skills. Sweet talking. You wanted to roll your eyes at the mention of your boyfriend, well ex now. You don’t even know why you started dating him, oh wait, you only started dating him to see if it affected Hwa or Mingi. But neither of them showed signs of disapproval. Which annoyed you. Your crush on them was getting out of hand and your friend suggested dating someone to see if they would react but now you wished you never took that advice from her.

“Ex. He uh, wasn’t a great person. And in every aspect, full of himself and…” You stopped yourself feeling blush scatter your cheeks. You were really about to confess something about your sex life to them. Mingi raised his eyebrow, while Hwa clicked his tongue. Their attention was completely on yours and it made you squirm.

“And?” Mingi had a feeling what you wanted to say but he wanted to hear it from your pretty lips first.

“And…He wasn't experienced in the…L-Love department.” You gulped suddenly shaking your head. “But it’s not like I knew anything either given he was my first and all but like you should at least know where to pleasure a woman you know? Like I didn’t know how uncomfortable sex was until he decided to do it. It was so awful and I just—” You suddenly realized you word vomited and cringed internally. “Wanna crawl into a hole and never see the light of day again.”

It stayed silent for a moment making you feel embarrassment riddle your body. But then Mingi’s laugh caught everyone's attention. “It’s okay we all have that type of relationship at some point, but he couldn’t be that bad.” Mingi tried to lighten the mood, trying to make you feel better but it didn’t really help. You stole a quick glance at Seonghwa and noticed he was also looking at you with some type of remorse, feeling bad for you. You just groaned pushing your legs to your chest, hugging them tightly.

“No, he was pathetic if I’m honest. I’m not trying to be mean but it’s true… he only cared for his needs..” It was like a switch went off in both male's heads. They knew what you were referencing and they both couldn’t help but groan at you basically saying you couldn’t get off to your ex. Admitting you were sexually frustrated. Admitting he couldn’t even do the simplest job of finding your sweet spot. You gulped, feeling the air become thicker as tension started to brew in the room. You shifted slightly, seeing Mingi and Hwa both seemed to become tense, stealing glances at one another.

“Finding the clit isn’t that hard darling.” Seonghwa chuckled lewdly making Mingi laugh in response but you snapped instead;

“That’s what all men say.” You huffed.

“I can prove it.” Seong’s words made you choke on your own saliva. Did he really just say he could prove it? How would he do that?

“P-prove it?” You gulped now sitting in a crossed-legged position.

“Yeah I’ll prove it, come here.” He smirked patting his thigh while spreading his legs. You were hesitant for a moment. Was this all a trick? Some cruel game? You trusted your bothers friends with your life but one thing you knew about them was they are heart breakers. Bad boys. And that they didn’t have the best track record with keep partners. “I’m not going to asked you again.”

His voice was stern and it made something tingle inside you. Slowly getting up you hesitantly walked the three steps till you were standing right in front of him. He took that as a green light, grabbing your thighs to pull you onto him. Your hands found perch on his shoulders while your legs fell on either side of his lap spreading yourself open on top of him. He stared at you in amusement, watching you like a hawk about to consume its prey. Your body felt hot and your cheeks were dusted with a deep red. You’ve never been this close to him before. Never been so close that you can feel his breath on your skin. His hands squeezing your hips. His erection twitched beneath you. “You ready to be proven wrong Darling?”

You nodded before slipping out a quick breathy ‘yes’. You felt the the couch shift and noticed out the corner of your eye that Mingi had taken a seat next to you and Hwa. The younger however didn’t do anything, just stayed back and stared at what might unfold in front of him. Seonghwa placed his fingers against your chin making your attention completely his. The grin he wore sent shivers down your spine and the hand that danced so closely to your inner thigh made you want to roll your eyes back in pleasure. “So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m gonna place my two fingers on your clit through your sleep shorts and if I find it. I want you to moan my name. Can you do that Darling?”

You blurted a ‘yes’ a little bit too quickly but you couldn’t care. All you could think about was Seonghwa, and him touching you. So without another moment, Hwa brought his fingers to your inner thigh hovering just where you need him. You could tell he was faking in “trying” to find your button. He knew where it was but he wanted to watch you squirm a little bit first. And before you could mutter anything he place his fingers right on your clit making you gasp. “Hwa.”

“Told you I could prove it.” His confidence radiated off him, rubbing your nub in little circle, making you thread your fingers in his loose shirt. Your hips were stuttering, begging to move, and your eyes were sewn shut, focusing on the pleasure alone.

“Hey, I wanna try.” Mingi’s deep voice tickled your ear making your head snap over to him. You didn’t even get a chance to protest, even though you knew you wouldn’t, before wrapping his large arms around your waist and picking you up so he could place you on his lap. Your back was firmly against his chest, letting him shove his face in your neck. You felt his lips graze your hot skin, making you wiggle in his hold. “Let’s make this more fun.”

Mingi’s fingers hooked under your sleep shorts, making you freeze. Your eyes are glued to Hwa’s dark ones. They were blown out, watching you carefully with lust. You lifted your hips without saying anything, letting Mingi take your shorts off, along with your panties. Your heart was racing at the thought they were both going to touch you, but your mind also wandered to the others in the house. Yes, they all might be sleeping, but any of them could walk in and see what the two men were doing to you. “M-mingi pleasee.”

“Oh, doll I haven’t even touched you yet.” He chuckled making Seonghwa lowly laugh at your desperation. These boys had you wrapped around their fingers. Mingi slid his hand up your thigh, spreading your legs wide so Seonghwa got a good view of your dripping cunt. You tried to close them but Mingi’s strong grasp kept them still. You felt embarrassed being the only one basically naked, and on top of it being naked in front of two people you had a huge crush on. Neither of them seemed to mind one bit though, Seonghwa having the temptation to latch his lips on your soaked cunt while Mingi wanted nothing more then to fuck you with his fingers until you were crying.

Actually now that he thinks about it, that sounds like the perfect idea.

“And 3…2…1” His finger pressed perfectly on your clit making you jump. “Gotcha.” Mingi grins, licking a strip up your neck, placing kisses down on your shoulder blade. His fingers circle your clit furiously, causing a hiccup to spit out of you. Seonghwa took this moment to lay down on his stomach so he was face to face with your pussy. He slid his long hot tongue along your folds.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Hwaaa. M-Ming―” Mingi suddenly covered your mouth with his hand, hushing you from screaming. Your hips bucked, feeling Seonghwa slowly push a finger inside you. Your eyes sealed shut tight, feeling Mingi’s fingers on your clit, his lips biting and sucking all over your neck and Seonghwa’s tongue lapping your juices up while he fucked you with his digits. It was like a sinful wet dream had come true and your mind was spinning at the thought.

“As much as we’d love to hear you scream our names. You better keep those pretty moans on the down-low doll. Otherwise, someone might hear us. And we won't want that now do we.” Mingi’s deep voice grunted in your ear as you just nodded in response, losing yourself once again in the touch of both men. Tears start to prickle on the sides of your eyes as you felt your stomach tie itself in knots. You were so close to coming undone yet so fair as well. Your mind couldn’t take it anymore and you needed more. You tried to speak but your mouth was covered tightly. Seonghwa continued with his assault on your cunt, shoving another two fingers in while lapping up your cream all the while Mingi had dressed you in his marks from the top of your neck to your back down your shoulder blade. His fingers never left your clit either.

“mm…mmm.” No matter how hard you tried to warn them something felt different about your high fast approaching. The large hand over your mouth made it ultimately useless. You bucked your hips moving in time with Seonghwa’s fingers, feeling yourself begin to cry. And not cry like a few simply tears, no. You began to sob, feeling so overwhelmed and unable to communicate made your mind shift into a place you had no idea existed. Your brain mushed, making you feel like you were floating. And only Mingi and Seonghwa were around. You let go. Screaming a muffled whale, you squirted all over Seonghwa’s face. Your tears stained Mingi’s hand while your nose began to drool. Once Hwa helped you lessen your high, he sat up taking a look at the mess you made.

“Awe princess. Look at this.” he gathered some of your cum and pushed it against Mingi’s lips. He sucked on the other male's finger with a groan making you cry even more. They both took notice of your tears and removed the hand over your mouth. You hiccuped, whimpering. Sobbing. Your fingers dug into the couch as Mingi finally let you close your legs. Everything was happening all at once and your body was aching from the awkward position. But you need your boys. You needed them to look after you.

“P-Please Sirs…I need more…” Your sweet high pitched voice caused both men to groan, feeling their cocks harden in their pants.

“Fuck doll. You okay?” Mingi tilted your head to the side so he could look at you. Your face was red, puffy and wet. “Pretty baby is crying. Did it feel that good?”

You couldn’t find a response in your fuzzy brain so instead you kissed him. Mingi’s eyes grew wide for a second, not thinking you’d kiss him. But who is he to complain when your lips were so soft and kissable. Cupping your face he deepened the kiss making you shake. He pulled away first, letting your catch your breath, but you did see it like that suddenly sitting up you got on all fours so you could reach, Seonghwa who was leaning on the other end of the couch. Your face was inches from his but didn’t move until he place his fingers on your chin.

The kiss was desperate and rough. Seonghwa’s fingers raked through your hair before tugging at it making your hips wiggle, which conveniently made your bare ass jiggle in front of Mingi. Now, saying Mingi was an ass man was an understatement. This man lives for asses, and your ass was definitely one of the prettiest ones he's ever seen. He gave a harsh slap, sending a loud clap echoing through the room. Your moan was swallowed by Seonghwa, letting him shove his tongue deep down your throat. Mingi kept slapping your bare cheeks, finding pleasure in seeing his hand prints appear on your soft skin.

“Hey, Hwa if we keep going I might have to fuck her,” Mingi said so casually as if neither of them were tainting your idea of pleasure permanently. Seonghwa pulled away making you chase his lips.

“I think we need to end it otherwise we’d both be fucking her. And I don’t think we have the time.” Hwa chuckled, leaning back to place his arms on either side of the couch, tilting his head back with a sigh. Mingi rubbed your ass, helping you sit up back to lean against his chest. His hands danced around your hips snaked up your shirt noticing you weren’t wearing a bra.

“Too bad, we didn’t get to play with these yet.” Mingi cupped your breasts squeezing them harshly. Your eyes never left Seonghwa’s form. He tilted his head up briefly to watch Mingi’s hands play with your covered tits. You bit your lip, lifting your shirt up so he could see Mingi’s assault.

“Fuck,” Hwa groaned wanting nothing more than to have those tits in his mouth. He sighed shaking his head before standing up to pick up your shorts and panties up. “Come on sweet thing, let’s get you to bed.”

You whined at the idea of having to end such a pleasurable ordeal. But sadly they were right, you had no clue how long you’d been at this and if your brother were to wake up there would be hell to pay. You take your clothes from Hwa putting them back on while Mingi helped you stand. Your breathing was heavy and your legs were on godly wobbly but Mingi’s hard strong arms kept you up. Once dressed, you looked up to Hwa seeing a sweeter less lustful smile on his features. He stood so close while Mingi stood flush behind you. They were effectively sandwiching you. Seonghwa gave you a long drawn-out kiss before guiding your face with his fingers on your chin to Mingi, letting the other man seal his lips against your own. It felt so natural to be shared by them. And they felt the same. It was like one fluid motion. Comfort. And you were hating that it was ending. Once Mingi pulled away you looked back at Seonghwa, getting ready to wish them a good night. Until he said ;

“Don’t worry Bunny. This isn’t over yet. Our fun is only beginning.”

- ♥︎

[keypaa]

Astrology Observations No.5 🧛🏻‍♀️💋🖤👻

(+ a bit creepy stuff)

I use the whole sign system

Uranus opposition Ascendant & strangers talking to you all of a sudden in unexpected ways and places

Mars in 8th house get attacked by spirits often (sleep paralysis, seeing shadows, feeling presences) in many places you go to

!Sensitive topic¡

Astroid Medusa (149) in strong aspects (usually squares) with the north node/southnode + pluto indicate r*pe. I saw it in two of my friends chart. The north node can be seen as destiny. Even if you don't have this aspect and still went through this i love you you are never alone ❣︎

Scorpio ascendants attract a whole bunch of creeps trust your gut and keep it safe people always pay attention to what you are doing you just need to look closer

Lilith in the 10th house and females being annoyed of their presence in the work place. Usually also attract a whole bunch of jealousy in school, uni or at work. Michele Avil that was murdered by her best friend because of jealousy had this placement

Moon in Scorpio hate not having control they know how to (atleast try) to get someone to do something. Positive note good investigators who would make great psychologists, detectives and so on

So well if you have a bunch of 1st house, 8th house or 12th house placements in planets like venus, mars, moon or lilith you are more prone to attract stalkers atleast once in your life KEEP IT SAFE and I mean it¡! And by stalkers I also mean people who do a whole bunch of research on you and your life or keep following you obsessively on social media.

Don't leak unnecessary information about you and try to not go to quite places alone where no one could find you if something would happen.

Lilith in leo are feared by females loved by men

Venus in 10th house don't tell anyone about your love life trust me even tho people always find things to say and spread rumors about. You will publicly be known for what is happening in your love life.

Moon in aries need to be feared, if introverted it takes long to see their anger but most aries moons show ther anger explosively nevertheless they cool down rather quickly, loyal to their loved ones tho

Don't fuxk with leo venus friends they take care of them like a lion mother, dedicated

Venus in capricorn always have enemys

Masculines with libra placements always fall for people who don't love them the same way/or for absolutely toxic & crazzzy people

Lilith in the 22nd degree are necrophilists. Just look at Richard Ramirez chart, he loved s*x with the dead.

According to Ian Altosaar the 22nd degree is about murder and I combined this information with liliths nature, hidden desire. 👻Ps: Most necrophilists are men not always but almost all the time https://ijop.net/index.php/mlu/article/download/734/688/1339 or on Wikipedia (not so reliable source but says that about 92% are men)

Virgo placements get underratedly sexualised a whole lot. The biggest p*rn star right now has virgo placements. Also virgo liliths can be se*ualised

Pisces moons had a time of their life where they cried a lot or still are very emotional (nothing bad). Other than that they can be dangerously manipulative if they want to and feel every slight difference in someones behavior

Aquarius ascendants and loving colorful clothing

Juno (3) in aries and rooting for ambitious people that behave masculine in a loving manner (romantically)

Juno (3) in aquarius want a partner that sticks out from the masses

Mercury in sagittarius have a special voice

Pholus (astroid) shows you what transformed you the most in your life:

1st hous/Aries: You yourself/sports caused a transformation in your life

2st house/Taurus: Your financial situation changed you

3rd house/Gemini: The area where you live in (hood) affected you, or off topic your car/drivers license

4rd house/Cancer: Your home life, emotions or femininity

5th house/Leo: Creative skills of yours or recognition transformed you

6th house/Virgo: Routine or your health/hygiene plays/played a crucial role in your life

7th house/Libra: Your love life/ or glow up affected your life view

8th house/Scorpio: Deaths, paranormal stuff, operations, accidents and your sexuality transformed your way of dealing with life

9th house/ Saggitarius: Other cultures, traveling and your ancestors trigger something in you

10th house/Capricorn: Your work, work environment and accomplishments changed you

11th house/Aquarius: Humanitarian topics, technology and friends started your transformation journey

12th house/Pisces: Religion, spirituality & plastic surgerys may have affected your journey of developing your sense of self

Luvvv muah

3:18 PM

555

© 2024 the content is subject to the copyright and responsibility of the author

[maxdibert]

How can you reconcile being a fan of Snape and defending him so much, while also knowing about the terrible attitude he has as an adult toward his students? This isn’t a malicious question,I’m genuinely curious

I don’t justify Severus’ behavior, I simply understand it. And it’s not for the typical reasons like Harry being a copy of James, or Neville being clumsy, or Hermione being insufferable in class, or just because he can’t stand kids. I understand it because, in my view, Severus is still very much a child.

Take Sirius, for example. We can all see that being locked up in Azkaban for so many years essentially froze his life at a young age, so even though he’s old enough to have grey hairs down there, he still acts like a childish, immature person a lot of the time. And well, that’s exactly what Sirius is—an immature kid. He never had the opportunity to have experiences or grow throughout his twenties. Maturity doesn’t come with age alone but through everything we go through during that time and the experiences that shape us. Without those experiences, there’s nothing to build on.

Severus’ case is different from Sirius’, but it also stems from a lack of maturity and the inability to grow. Severus was a victim of violence from childhood, and that violence didn’t end—it continued throughout his school years. After all that torment, instead of leaving Hogwarts, telling everyone to screw off, and starting a new life where he could rebuild emotionally, he ends up trapped in the same school, playing a role to maintain his cover with pureblood families and burdened with having practically sold his soul to Dumbledore. He has no space to heal, no tools to work through his traumas, and no safe, healthy environment to grow into an adult. Severus is stuck in his adolescence, haunted by his past, his traumas, and totally incapable of managing his most visceral emotions. Sure, he’s great at faking it, acting indifferent, and wearing a mask to hide what’s going on inside. But just because he’s good at repressing doesn’t mean he’s good at managing his emotions, because in that regard, he fails completely. I mean, there are so many moments throughout the saga where Severus gets triggered, and every time it happens, his serious, unflappable façade crumbles, and he acts like a kid throwing a tantrum, someone with unresolved anger issues. That’s when you see that, deep down, he doesn’t know how to handle himself, which makes sense because he never had the chance to do so. We’re talking about an abuse victim who, instead of processing and exorcising his demons, had to lock them away and throw away the key—literally the last thing you should do when dealing with trauma.

What I’m getting at is that, on one hand, it’s reasonable to expect an adult to act like an adult. But on the other hand, as I grew older, went through years of therapy, and worked with people who come from messed-up backgrounds and have lived through terrible things, when I revisited the series and saw certain scenes where Severus is being an absolute jerk to his students, I didn’t just see an adult acting out. I saw the teenager he once was, insecure, feeling worthless, scared in the hallways. And now, for the first time, he’s in a position of power where he can say what he thinks and lash out without consequences. It’s not an adult acting here—it’s a kid who never grew up, trying to have the moment of glory he never had. It’s incredibly childish. And I have to say, I really like this aspect of his character because it’s so consistent with his backstory, even though it’s clearly irresponsible and abusive.

Severus shouldn’t be a teacher because someone who hasn’t matured, grown, or healed can’t be a role model, nor do they have the tools to properly handle situations where it’s so easy to project their insecurities and abuse their authority to compensate for their own shortcomings. But we can’t really expect anything else from him—if he were a well-adjusted adult, it would make him an unrealistic character. It’s impossible for someone with his background, without professional help and many years of personal work, to function properly in an environment like that.

[ash-says]

Things to be aware of as a Hopeless Romantic:

We all have been there daydreaming about the perfect man, the perfect life, the perfect whatever,etc. Still life is not full of roses and thorns are inevitable.

So here are some aspects to look out for according to me so that you won't fall in the delulu is the only solulu trap.

Remember if you follow me, we don't do regrets here. We accept, take accountability and move on. We don't soak ourselves in problems. We solve them effectively.

1) Drop those rose-colored glasses. Crush them under your feet and now look at the world again. Learn to accept reality. It is what it is. Not what you make it out to be. Learn to become an observer of your life from time to time. It will give you the real picture.

2) Potential is useless if you are not leveraging it. It's a trap both for yourself and others. You see potential in him of changing and being a good guy?? Girl, he *IS* not a good guy. It's not your job to raise a man. It's embarrassing. Stop babysitting grown men.

3) Standards are important but ensure they are not rooted in fantasy. Let's be honest finding a man who is rich, dark, tall, sexy and talks in the way you read in your romance novels is difficult. I am not saying it's impossible but don't be too rigid. All I will say is make sure you are also on the level where if you come across such a man he should be ready to date you.

4) Men view sex differently than us women. I know many of you will get triggered after reading this but the majority of men really view women as sex dolls. Blame the porn industry maybe. Good men exist but not every other man who talks sweetly is good.

5) A person in your life treats you nicely. Always talk sweetly, tells you that you matter to them but their actions don't match it. Chances are you are being breadcrumbed. Plans being cancelled? Messages being unseen? But when confronted all you get is,"Sorry love, I was busy. I was going to do it. You matter a lot,etc etc." Breadcrumbing. Be smart it can happen even in friendships too. I understand people get busier with time and things do happen. Use your discernment to see who really is busy and who is faking to be busy.

6) That uncle was so kind to me. He talked to me sweetly and always tried to help me out. Now, that's really sweet of him. Next he calls you home to help out with the household chores and he is alone at home because his wife is out of town for some work. Would you go and help? Yes. Will you go alone? No. That's unsafe.

No matter how much a gentleman a man appears to be you are not allowed to be in a situation where he could potentially take advantage of you. You always bring along a friend or deny it. I know it's wrong to not help someone but at your own risk. No. Never. It's common knowledge in our society.

7) Dreaming of a Prince Charming to whisk you away from all your troubles??? Dream on. The idea that a soulmate or one person will magically solve all our issues is dumb. We as human beings add to each other's happiness rather than becoming the core of it.

8) One of the biggest mistakes I have seen girls around me make is of being fully invested in a relationship to the point one small fight makes them depressed. That's codependency. It's unhealthy.

9) Never make your relationship your identity. You should always have a separate identity out of it. Stop curating yourself for your partners. Morphing yourself according to their likes and dislikes. That's one way ticket to an identity crisis after breakup. Compromises are essential but changing your core self??? Crazy shit.

10) Your relationship should not be the reason for your downfall. It happens especially with my intense girlies we invest so much of ourselves in the relationship to the point it becomes our focal point and when it faces upheavals we are devastated. The mental distress starts flowing in other areas of your life and suddenly your grades are falling, your career seems unstable, etc. Develop the emotional strength to compartmentalize your emotions and not allow them to overflow in other areas and affect them.

Imagination is fertile but being delusional is being stuck in a swamp.

That's all for today's show on ash-says. Stay tuned for more illegal tricks and explosive opinions.

[r0semaryt3a]

PLEASE write a soulmate au with the phantom troupe and reader. Reader hiding away from them for so long, only for one of them to find her randomly and take her away to the troupe

BOY OH BOY- I’m a sucker for soulmate aus so you better bet I JUMPED at the chance to write this!

I will admit I wasn’t entirely sure if you meant like the reader being each individuals soulmates separately or a Polycule type of situation…so I did the former-

DAMN DID THIS TAKE LONG-

I fell to the authors curse so some of this (up to Machi’s) is proofread.

As with any of my PT work focusing on Chrollo, Feitan, Phinks, Machi, Shalnark and Paku

Cw: kidnapping, yandere themes (ish?), drugging and torture vaguely alluded to.

Chrollo

Chrollo was never particularly interested in soulmates. There was no clear path to you, no set strategy for getting him where he needed to go; for a man always three steps ahead: Chrollo didn’t like that very much.

This predetermined destiny it bored him. The troupe gave him the ability to pick and choose where he wanted to go and how he wanted to do things. This soulmate speil didn’t. So, he wouldn’t let himself get wrapped up in it.

Or, that was until you probed his interest. No matter where he was, it was as if some unknown force was pulling you both apart. As if you didn’t want to be found. And that? Well that excited him.

Now you were a heist, a thing to acquire, his shiny new trinket to steal. And you know Chrollo: he loves a good heist.

When he first met you, it was as if fate itself had smiled upon him. You’d dropped your guard; allowed the string binding your two souls to slacken. This happened to occur when he was in the area: dressed to the nines no less. A perfect facade, with you right at his fingertips.

He approached you with a smile, dawdling away from his current objective, you were simple. If he had to put a word to it, endearing would’ve fit the bill.

Getting you to agree to dinner was simpler. He put up a perfect act, the definition of chivalry: chin resting upon his hand, a charming smile painted across his face as he admired you through half-lidded eyes, swirling a glass of wine idly in his hands, far more interested in drinking every aspect of you in.

He played dumb on the soulmate front and you seemed to play dumber, perhaps that was giving you a bit too much credit. However, by the struggle it took to find you; the way you shifted and the twisting of that tormenting string. It would be safe to assume: you knew.

Drugging you wasn’t really part of the plan, I mean, having you here wasn’t a part of the plan. The plan was to steal a classical painting from some uppity aristocrat; the small dose of flunitrazepam was originally going to be used as a fail safe. Though, Chrollo welcomed this turn of events non the less.

Once he has you, you’re bound to wake up wherever the troupe had made residence. He’d played a long enough game to even acquire you; his patience had thinned far too much for him to play it any longer.

He doesn’t rush to introduce you to the spiders. No, he coaxes you into some sense of normalcy before he does that. No point in ruining a good thing before it’s even started.

On the offset you were avoiding him all this time: you best prey your reactions to this eventual introduction are in check. If you truly weren’t playing your own long winded little game of hide and seek: consider yourself lucky (In the vaguest sense of the term).

The spiders took to you quickly, most of them having heard (and many witnessed) their boss’ onslaught of restless nights when he’d finally committed to finding you. A few of them were even impressed that you’d proved so difficult to find: the barrage of compliments on a feat you might not have even been guilty of proving quite confusing. Aside from this little introduction however, you don’t see much of the Troupe. Chrollo prefers to keep you as his own little domestic facade: a microcosm in his pocket.

The very few times you do see them is when Chrollo just needs to be around you. You rest somewhere close, on his lap, agaisnt his shoulder, a few centimetres off hand in hand, the specifics don’t matter. You’re with him and that’s all he needs. The Troupe hardly gives you a second glance: far too used to this little charade. Their leader playing absentmindedly with some aspect of you as he relays the rules of their next heist.

Once the Troupe disperse he always pulls you closer to him, head buried in the crook of your neck as he takes you in for a few seconds.

You’re a gem he’s acquired; he wishes to revel in you a little bit longer.

Feitan

Similarly to Chrollo: Feitan didn’t care. Hell he probably cared less. It was Phinks who actually started talking about it.

He saw no reason to care, you weren’t any use to what the Troupe was doing.

Then your hiding became evident. He liked that: a chase. Every time your string tightened, a part of Feitan lit up.

The time he spent curating your capture filled his waking days. The occasional torturous thought slipping in every now and then.

And oh boy, when he found you? You hardly had time to react. A small whoosh of air and the rest’s a blur to you. He’d slugged you back to where the Troupe reconvened.

Unlike Chrollo, Feitan wastes no time in integrating you into the troupe. It proves no use to him having you in the dark; he doesn’t care much for the facade. You’re his now, soulmates: whether either of you liked it or not. So, it’s best you know his colleagues as soon as possible - they’ll be partly responsible for keeping an eye on you afterall.

You won’t leave his side. Ever. He’s surprisingly adamant about it.

Spindly arms wrap around you, pressing you against his chest. “Staying here.” The ever familiar hiss of his voice rang loud in your ear, the broken lilt of it as alluring as it was fear inducing. Feitan was usually like this, twirling the string that bound you two in between his fingers. He often held you just as he was: close to him. There was no comfort in his hold, for either of you: he just needed it. Needed you.

If you were purposefully hiding? You’ll be quickly introduced to his torturous pastimes.

If you weren’t? Good. Be glad.

After you get used to the whole arrangement he’s actually quite ‘sweet’ (in a twisted sense of the word).

Phinks

One of the only people to court you normally. Like sure, he’s short tempered about it. But, he’ll see it through (maybe.)

Actually wanted to find you, a person bound to him by forces stronger than either of you could comprehend? I mean come on! That’s perfect!

Hours were poured into getting to you. Which, made your hiding all the more obvious. Like some odd rendition of hide and seek, he’d get hairs away only for you to flee again.

He found you eventually, of course, it was inevitable! He was rather rough with the way he restrained you and hauled you back to the troupe. Phinks is another who didn’t waste time in shoving you headfirst into the troupe’s business. Admittedly, with far less grace than any other member.

You’ll spend most of your time with his chin resting on your scalp and his arms swung around you: a distorted sense of a regular relationship. The troupe are an acquired taste to get used to, but Phinks seems to try his best to act as an outlier. For the most part, it works, though, old habits are hard to break.

Once you get used to him, he’ll revert back to his typical idiosyncrasies. He’s actually quite stupid with you: if you can get past circumstances.

Phinks tends to treat the whole ordeal as if the string binding you simply wasn’t there. It’s a fact about him that you’re not quite sure if you enjoy or hate. The way he’ll swing an arm over your shoulder, casual as can be, talking idly. There’s a few questions on your day; how you were. Which, soon snowballed into a refresher of the troupe’s work. All as if he wasn’t glued to your side through the whole ordeal

Which, speaking of, you’ll be bound to get involved in. It’s probably the most nonsensical thing about your arrangement. If Chrollo allows it you’ll simply become a part of the troupe. Apparently you took the place of some clown (from descriptions you’re not sure you want to know anymore).

Machi

Did. Not. Care.

Like at all.

Seriously.

She found you by happenstance; out of sheer boredom used a nen thread to tail you. It wasn’t like she followed you for hours (she actually forgot about the thread quite quickly).

It was only when you’d become so much of a nuisance that she was mistaking your string for her threads that she even bothered.

Machi excels in tailing targets so unlike the others you were quite an easy find. When she found you, she was quick to fall into a “civilian” persona. You hardly knew what to expect when the woman first came up to you, a smile that charming it was hard not to trust. The two of you walked for a while, sharing facts about your life, Machi tailoring her own stories: making herself appear a simple person with a simple life.

Given she didn’t really care much, Machi is completely willing to play the long game, building her facade through a series of weeks. Hell, if it weren’t for the fact you struck a chord inside her she would’ve probably kept up for longer.

When Machi does finally want to cut the charade you’ll know. The snarky redhead you’d been getting to know will have you where she wants you in an instant.

Don’t worry though, Machi’s a doctor (all things considered). Any pain you might wind up with will be quickly rectified. She’s also a lot more level headed than some of the others, she knows not to bombard you…to a degree. Once she’s set on something having to dance around the subject tends to irk her and this is a fact you’ll come to know very quickly. Machi is only amiable for so long.

She keeps you away from the troupe for the most part, you aren’t a spider so there’s no reason for you to be there. If anything the others would probably just make her job harder (and you being there would truly just be a pain).

She’s one of the only ones with a fool proof contingency plan for your escape. Her threads can chase you as long as she needs them to; as short a distance as you’re sure to manage.

Overall despite the circumstances she’s fairly tame. Always having been nonchalant about these sorts of things Machi was never one to chase romance and considering the thread reminding you of your inevitable fate she sees no need in forcing what’s bound to happen anyways. You’ll eventually wear down if you’re angsty and if not? Well it’s a win, win.

She mellows out with you overtime, if not for the constant threat of what might happen if you run off to far your relationship threatens to be…normal? If you could get past all its unique idiosyncrasies.

When she finally caves and introduces you to the Troupe it’s mainly because she has to move for a job. She’s very particular with who you do and don’t meet (Hisoka and Feitan) though tends to leave you about Nobu and Shalnark, with the odd night out with Pakunoda and her.

As I said, as odd as it may be, you’re actually fairly normal.

Shalnark

There’s no amount of information this man can’t find.

And so, there’s no real reason to fuss over you.

Romance is complicated and Shalnark would rather stay clear of the whole thing when he can. He’s after money and Troupe jobs not settling down with soft kisses.

Still, it’s a rather humorous game when he truly gets going.

Watching your life; the way your days play out. Finding all the little puzzle pieces that tie the whole picture together winds up quite the exhilarating pastime. It’s rather humorous in a way, you’re so obviously hiding from your fate that he can’t help but want to shatter the hope you’ve built up. Afterall, even without his license or the information at his disposal your string would guide you to one another sooner or later.

Shalnark is well aware that simply finding you one day and dragging you back to the troupe is a silly thing to do.

But.

It’s easy.

And he can’t really be bothered to do much else. If you run there’s always his nen; if you don’t: you don’t.

He introduces you to the Troupe as if you were an old friend he happened to run across; not the victim of an elaborate game (or well game to him.)

Shalnark doesn’t attempt to form a relationship with you, he already knows who you are and over time you’ll get to know him so it’s just a matter of waiting till you know enough.

Probably won’t use black voice on you.

Maybe.

Pakunoda

This woman actively hunts you down.

The mere thought of a person perfectly fit for her? She simply had to see this.

The way she meets you is similar to Chrollo only purposeful. She takes you out on a lavish night, treating you to wine and delights. A plethora of soft spoken words leave her tongue.

Don’t you just look stunning? Wow you have so much in common.

It’s an interesting experience for her, feeling so connected to a feeling, a fling.

The night progress almost perfectly, it’s tailored to be a blissful evening: utterly perfect in every way. Pakunoda knows how to put on a show and she’s fully prepared to. The Troupe is her life and she’s never cared much for the domestic aspect of the world. And yet, whether it be the string or mere curiosity, she can’t help the way she wants to feed into this. The way she wants to find out if you’re well aware that she’s who you’re tied to or if you truly are blissfully ignorant.

Where she diverges from her close friend is how quickly she pulls you into the Troupe.

You may be entering, endearing even. But, the Troupe is her family (all things considered) and she won’t leave the introductions till later.

Pakunoda works to settle down any and all nerves with ease. Though it may not work she’s certainly skilled at trying to butter you up. She paints a picture of normalcy, a picture she claims the spiders to be a part of. She does care, or tries to? Out of all the spiders she’s the one with the most affection for you. Call it her nature, call it what you want. Pakunoda

Can you tell I haven’t written for these people in a while? Cause I can. I will probably come back to this and give it more content when I have time but by God life kicked me in the shins and ran off with my firstborn the second this ask came in istg.

[the-garbanzo-annex-jr]

By David de Bruijn

Many are shocked, wondering how this could happen in the Netherlands.

To me, their bafflement is what’s shocking.

I grew up in The Hague, where real and abundant antisemitism, from epithets in the street to physical threats to the community’s safety, was part of our daily life. As a young boy, I vividly recall how The Hague's football hooligans—viciously opposed to Ajax, Amsterdam’s “Jewish” team—walked the streets under a banner reading “We’re hunting for Jews.” (Indeed, for my entire life, football stadiums in my home country have been filled with lurid chants like “Hamas, Hamas, all the Jews on gas!” and “My dad was in the commandos, my mom was in the SS, we like to burn Jews, because Jews burn the best.”)  

In high school, second- or third-generation Moroccan kids would point and hiss “Psst, psst, that’s a Jew, that’s a Jew!” as they passed by on their bikes. 

But most impactful were the myriad security measures our community had to undertake. Seen from the front, The Hague synagogue is not recognizable, two thick green doors presenting a closed facade to the street. Behind these doors are glass doors that open only once additional permission is given. All the windows are made of bulletproof glass. A permanent police post guards the synagogue. In Amsterdam, the Jewish primary school has even more dystopian levels of protection, hidden behind several layers of metal spikes and fencing. From the outside, the view of the school is entirely closed off. (Even as I write this, I feel uncomfortably conscious of not revealing any sensitive security details.)

Self-protection was a constant—and to me, natural—part of Jewish life. Leading youngsters to a summer camp in northern Friesland meant bringing a dedicated security team and, when possible, keeping quiet the fact that it was Jewish children gathering here. 

Violent, antisemitic assaults have become increasingly regular occurrences. In May, a student at the University of Amsterdam, a young man, was assaulted by a protester in a keffiyeh, struck in the head with a wooden plank. In August, a statue of Anne Frank was defaced—for the second time—with anti-Israel graffiti. Today, walking around with a kippah in the Netherlands is an act that requires bravery.

As the situation worsened over the years—motivating some, including me, to move, others to adjust, and so many to worry—one of the most painful aspects was the way the Jewish community was gaslit. Dutch society repeatedly told its post-Holocaust Jewish remnant—and itself—that “never again” was not merely a concrete promise, but a core concept of modern Dutch morality. However, the dominant culture of the country’s immigrant communities has proven manifestly hostile to that worldview—and to Jews. 

For the North Africans living in Holland, the dominant Jewish story of the twentieth century is not Auschwitz, it is Israel, which in their distorted conception is an illegitimate, one-directional criminal enterprise directed at an innocent population. Nor—and this is crucial—is this merely an attitude about a conflict. They believe it is the crime of the twentieth century, conferring ultimate guilt on the Jewish people. “Palestine” is a phrase felt to carry the gravity of “Holocaust,” grotesquely inverting the perception of the Jewish experience.

For Holland’s Jewry, this reality has been palpable for decades. Yet nothing—no politician, no policy—has altered this reality. In the aftermath of every single violent attack—as will most likely be the case now—the political answer has been a room-temperature broth of subsidies, youth centers, dialogue forums, visits to Islamic pensioners clubs, and interfaith dialogue.

So it did not surprise me when international media outlets, like The Associated Press and The New York Times, covered this widespread attack as if it was the unfortunate, but perhaps expected, result of the Israeli fans’ conduct before and during the match, such as reportedly taunting Ajax fans with inappropriate slogans. Further, the AP wrote, the attack followed a Palestinian flag being “torn down from a building in Amsterdam on Wednesday,” and the rioters were angry because “authorities banned a pro-Palestinian demonstration near the stadium.” The Times originally pinned the attack on differences over sport and on taunts, as “violence tied to a match between Dutch and Israeli teams,” and reported that “the tensions in the hours leading up to the violence” was in part caused by “one man [being heard] saying in Hebrew, ‘The people of Israel live,’ while others shout[ed] anti-Palestinian chants using expletives.” (The Times has apparently stealth-edited its reporting numerous times since publication.)

In other words, if all you read were the initial reports, you might think that the Israelis started it, or at least had it coming.

What the reporters and media fail to understand is that this was an attack on Israeli football fans, but not one carried out by football hooligans. The Ajax team is itself Jewish friendly—fans of Amsterdam’s Ajax are affectionately (and sometimes not-so affectionately) referred to as “super Jews,” and Ajax is understood as the “Jewish team,” so it would make little sense that Ajax supporters would attack Jews or Israelis for their ethnicity—even if they are fans of an opposing team. 

No, this was straightforward: According to the accounts of witnesses and victims, it was an attack by immigrant, Muslim communities against Israelis and Jews.

[soaringwide]

Pick a Card - What is your soul nudging you towards? - Spirituality

Hello and welcome to a new pick a card collective reading. This time we're going to focus on your spiritual side with the question, What is your soul nudging you towards?

The idea is to welcome any message, any nudge from your soul to encourage you to explore something spiritually. I will keep this open and see what shows up. Never done that specific question, and I'm using a deck I'm not super used to, so you're welcome to leave feedback as it is as much of an exploration for you as it is for me!

As always remember that this is a general reading meant for multiple people, there are only three piles and a shit ton of you. Spirituality is very personal so take what resonates and leave out the rest.

PILE 1

Cards: Parasite, King of Pentacles, Threshold Guardian, 9 of Pentacles, Idiot, 2 of Pentacles, 8 of Pentacles, Pure Balance, 8 of Swords, Abyss, Queen of Pentacles, Female Warrior, Knight of Pentacles, Holder of Light, Page of Cups, 9 of Cups, Imprisoner, Inner Companion, the World

Right off the bat you've got so many pentacles cards, especially towards the end of the suite like wow, and in placements targeting your current situation and energies. It's a indication that you're currently very focused on the physical aspects of your life in a very abundance-focused way. Which BTW doesn't only mean money but your physical life as a whole. You may just be very focused on your physical routine, your job and building your home, taking care of your body and enjoying the pleasures of life.

This shows right at the beginning of your spread, where we can see that your focus on abundance and enjoying the things of life is interfering with your spiritual development. Its almost like you're carrying so many outside things with you that it leaves no space for tuning in with yourself only. And when you try, it's again very hard to do due to the noise and clutter within you. You are very preoccupied with your job or career, very focused on buying stuff or planning holidays or outings, very focused on your body. I'd say also rather detached from thinking and feeling your spirituality. Like it's barely a tiny thought in your mind but apart from that you pay no attention to it. It's almost like you don't really want to.

However, I do think that this is not happening by mistake and that you need to go through this phase, and if it's so difficult to brute force yourself out of it, or if you feel no desire to do so at all, its because you are sort of blocked from doing that in order not to hijack your natural development. You needed this break, to focus on your own pleasure and physical abundance, to reconnect with what's immediately real and knowable and build a life for yourself. There is this idea of outside forces actually protecting that phase of your life so that you don't rush towards something before you're ready to, which would be counter-productive.

In the past, you were not always the wisest and have made a lot of not so smart decisions, with not so great consequences… you might have been warned but ignored it or failed to see it and proceeded anyway. However, you have learned from it and rebuilt yourself, and I think your current phase of life is part of that; that need to repair your life and the damage you went through. For some of you, it's also possible that you've got a great deal of theoretical knowledge but not much personal practice to back it up, or that you were just repeating what others did without understanding anything about it, and you came to the realization that I made no sense and was pointless, so you withdrew.

What is your soul nudging you towards is balance. As we saw, you're very focused on your physical life, but it is not a bad thing and actually something you needed in order to be the person you wanted to be in the world. But your soul is now calling for some adjustments in order to bring balance into that. At this point it mostly have to do with the way you think, because it seems that you're trapping yourself and refusing to move. You're being asked to take the blinds off and told you have all the power to do so. Now, do you want it right now? I think for some of you it may take a bit of time, but that's the next step anyway and what your soul is nudging you towards.

For challenges you will face, there will be some type of leap of faith to be made. A path that you may accept or reject and that will change your trajectory. You may need to leave your sense of comfort and security a bit here and let go of some of the clutter surrounding you so that you can leave space for change and these new energies. It comes as a challenge because I think you're very reluctant to change at the moment, even distrusting it a bit.

For what help is available, I think for some of you you may rely on the support of a female warrior power of some kind, be it a divinity or a female mentor figure with those qualities, whether in this world or in the other. This will help you stay grounded and make slow but deliberate movements. This support will help you feel secure through the changes and add a layer of protection. For some of you it's about embodying these female warrior qualities. Regardless of gender, it can be described at the need to defend yourself, honor your boundaries and fight for what you believe is right. You might be inspired by someone to act and think like that.

For what steps to take, there is a need to return to source, and it's clarified by two cups cards, the only ones in your reading. So you will be called to reconnect with your emotions, and to put to rest some of them that ate hindering you without you knowing because they are so bottled up. There is a need to make space before you can welcome anything new.

Final advice: you are completing a powerful cycle and, right now, you're tying up loose ends. You may still feel somehow like in a state of spiritual hibernation but worry not because its all part of the process. This is coming to an end as well. This phase is part of a larger developmental process, and i'm getting that help is available from your guides or spirits, however you want to call them or conceptualize them. So I think for you it will be very important to tune it within yourself and with your spiritual court and find the personal advice you need. This reading is general and meant for many people so it won't be able to be tailored to your needs. I really think you have all the answers you need within and that it's a matter of daring to see it and daring to take that leap of faith. You are not alone, you are supported and loved and help is available to you.

PILE 2

Cards: Two of Swords, Grindstone, Five of Wands, Leader, Ace of Wands, Abyss, Scapegoat, Sun rx, Hidden knowledge, Light Bearer, 9 of Pentacles, the Emperor rx, Hierophant, Staff of the Gods, Threshold Guardian, Mother Earth, Blood Ancestor, Spirit Guide, Home and Hearth

For where you currently are spiritually, you are undergoing an intense process of refinement of your self that is divinely guided to push growth. From your point of view, it's manifesting as a time of struggle and even inner conflict that is pushing you to take a stance and make a decision. What it is exactly will vary for different folks, but I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about because it's quite obvious it's creating some inner tensions that must be quite uncomfortable to experience. The message here is that it serves a bigger purpose and that the outcome will depend on your choice to create movement in a specific direction.

For what energies are surrounding you, with the combination of the Leader and the Ace of Wands, it definitely points at a very fiery, action oriented energy. You are called to embody the positive attributes of a wise and powerful leader who takes the matter into their own hands and do not let fate decide their path for them. While committed to move forward, you also do not loose sight of your values and what you care about, which is not about hesitating but rather being fully rooted in your beliefs and let that fuel you. So I think whatever change you are going through, it's not about an extreme shift of paradigm, but rather, deepening things powerfully and owning your choices fully.

I think in the past, you had a tendency to shift the blame and avoid owning up to your actions. There is a hint or arrogance, over confidence and egoism here with the Sun reversed, embodying the flaws of Leo when unbalanced. I think you have been through something that forced you to change the way you approach things, distance yourself from some practices or behaviors for example, which brought you to where you are now. This is a very precious knowledge you can rely on and I think it's what brought you to these positive leader qualities and made you wiser and more empathetic while keeping your very radiating and go-getter attributes.

For what you soul is nudging you towards, its really interesting that you get yet again another authority figure with the Emperor, although this time it is reversed. I'm seeing this as a warning to not over do the masculine side of yourself that risk making you too stubborn and rigid, but rather welcome some type of ease and receptiveness. You might be too serious and not pleasure oriented enough so there's definitely a need to balance things a bit, without changing your nature completely. I'm also getting with the Light Bearer that you are called to make a very positive impact on those around you and your community, to bring them Light in the dark through your work, actions, advice or knowledge. And this call would benefit greatly from adding a but of that compassionate and easy going energy i talked about above as it will help you connect with people but also help you stay happy and abundant by not burning yourself out too fast.

For the challenge you will face in this process, I'm strongly getting the need to step away from known religious or magical structures and to carve out your own path. However you will not be spiritually alone in this, but will rather be in direct contact with the spiritual powers, as in you will draw directly from the source in order to materialize and express what needs to be. It comes as a challenge because you are in uncharted territories, it's a lot of pressure and it's hard to know where to go since no one has been here before, or at least not in an obvious and easy to access way.

The good thing is that help is available in two ways. One, you do not have to worry about stepping somewhere you are not meant to, because these places are guarded and you will be facing a closed door if you go too far. So whatever it is, you are guided and protected on your path. The second thing is the wisdom of the Earth itself. I'm getting that you could get great help from the natural world and its spirits and non human inhabitants. You might benefit a lot from looking at natural phenomenon and learning the deeper meaning of them or connect with your local spiritual ecosystem. The Land itself could be a powerful ally too.

For what steps to take forward, you are strongly being called to connect with ancestors, and by that I don't mean solely ancestors or your lineage, but also those who share a connection with you because they walked on your path before you. Strong spirit worker vibe from this pile. This could mean trying to divine with them or honoring them and praying, which will allow them to help you. However, I would just remind you the need to do things in your own way and not simply copying and pasting other people's practices into your own, as we saw it was a very strong message for you. So try to be creative and think outside of the box but do remember that there is tremendous wisdom to be gained from those that came before you.

For the final advice, don't hesitate to connect with your spirit guides and those who are your spiritual home in order to find comfort, security and rest. Yes you are called to stand up for yourself, but you are certainly not alone and it is important to remember and share moments with your loved ones, from this realm and beyond. A second message is also to be careful about your energy levels and make sure you home is a suitable place for that magical and physically. You've got lots to do so take care of yourself and don't hesitate to reach out for help when you are struggling.

PILE 3

MASSIVE DISCLAIMER PLEASE READ I do not want to fear-monger but this reading is very heavy and I'm pretty sure it's only going to apply to some of you. If you do not relate please do not worry and keep scrolling. If you do relate I hope you will find some hope in this. I really hesitated releasing this pile at all but I feel like it's more important to be truthful about the message that I received than making cool readings for tumblr… The message was hammered clearly but, again, I'm pretty sure it's meant for a very small amount of people, if not just one or two. Take care.

Cards: Place of Healing, Creator of Time, the Hanged Man, Archon & Aion, Bailiff, Death, Blood Ancestor, Premonition, 5 of Swords, Magical Temple, 6 of Cups, Knight of Wands, Spirit Guide, Death, Queen of Swords, Shamaness, 2 of Wands, Strength rx

Let's start by looking at where you are currently spiritually.

From your point of view, it might seems like not much is happening and that you are forced to stay still. You are focusing on healing deeply and slowly. Some of you might have been sick recently or going through some type of intense mental or physical form of stress and you are now in the process of rejuvenating yourself, forced to stay where you are because you cannot move further. However, something very important and new is being birthed here. Think as a seed being planted, or even further back, the initial spiritual spark of a seed before it reaches the physical plane. So yeah it might seem like not a whole lot is going on but there is something very powerful at play here that has a lot of transforming potential.

Okay… for the energies surrounding you, you got 3 cards directly referencing Death. It seems some of you are indeed seriously sick at the moment, or taking care of someone who is about to pass onto the other side, or dealing with a very recent loss and in the process of mourning. If that's not the case, worry not that just mean it isn't your pile! If you do relate to this, know that I really empathize with you and we'll see what advice is available to you shortly. Another possibility is that some of you might be working with the spirit of the deceased, or being surrounded by them heavily.

For what you've learned in the past that is relevant to your current situation, you got two cards referencing union and one referencing messaged from above. I really think this pile talks to people who have formed deep bonds with some type of divine or spiritual entity that taught them a lot through messages sent to them. It talks about commitment and a mutually beneficial relationship. Some of you could even be under some form of spiritual contract with these powers. In all cases this pile is quite involved spiritually.

For what you soul is nudging you towards, you got yet other cards referencing death. I think it's either referencing to someone who has passed away or is about to, and in both cases its a great loss for you. You might be called to help them pass to the other side, help them move on and acting like a mediumistic bridge. You might be experiencing premonition regarding this event before hand, or dream about them after the fact. You soul is nudging you to take on the role of a psychopomp and communicate with this deceased person. I think that's something you haven't done before and feel quite worried about but I think you are sort of forced by the circumstances.

For the challenges you will face, i think this whole experience will be very difficult for you because you've lost some type of home in this person and you get reminded of your common memories constantly. You might feel the need to power through that to skip the pain and focus on the task ahead in order to protect yourself from grief. I cannot tell whether its a good or bad thing as everyone processes grief differently, just pay attention to how you react; be patient and gentle with yourself.

The help available is your spirit guides (whatever that means for you) who are here to protect and sooth your soul. You are highly encouraged to reach out to them however you feel comfortable to and call their help. They are here for you in this difficult time and you should not hesitate relying on them.

Steps to take: you will be facing your primordial fear regarding death and endings, and you must take the necessary steps to honor that natural cycle of life. You do seem to have a very special relationship with it though and you are called to step up to that role. You must not hang onto what has been lost for that it is gone, but instead, embrace change with respect and reverence and let things follow their course on the other side. With the Queen of Swords, you are called to embrace this new perspective and the deep changes that come with it. You will need to be sharp with your mind and your intentions and show the way ahead for this soul. Again I'm getting this idea of being between the earth and the sky, like a bridge.

For the final advice, this experience you are or will be going through is a tale old as humanity itself. A very old form of magic. Its a powerful and raw time that will push you to take on a role you might have never considered. Your path is humble but extremely important. It will change the way you see the world and life. Now is not the time to doubt your power and abilities for you have all that's needed to succeed. Those who've left us leave a hole but they are also our strength. I'm getting that you might benefit from reading practices surrounding Death in different culture, or dive deeper into you own. Stories of old can help you navigate this situation greatly.

[chameleonwritess]

Incoming essay about Yuzuru Fushimi and why I believe he is the least normal Ensemble Stars character

Before we begin, I’d like to thank @normalestenstars both for giving me the motivation to actually write this at last, and for the polls that have allowed me to ponder over the normality of each enstars character, along with how normality would even be gauged. I’m aware that the concept will have differed from person to person, and so I’ll attempt to explain my metric of normality in order to explain why, say, Kanata, Wataru, or HiMERU aren’t my ‘least normal’ character (okay, what is it with blue hair and insanity in enstars, bc Tatsumi is kinda making the most insane list too). I'll also put the essay under the cut because... it got long. But if you wanna learn about Yuzuru, you came to the right place!

I was judging normality to be a combination of life experiences through from childhood to adulthood, behaviour, current responsibilities and activities, ways of reacting to situations, ways of interacting with the world, mental headspace and its subsequent projections, and any juxtapositions between those- particularly with regards to internal and external worlds of a character (this might not make any sense… it made sense to me but I’m hardly a most normal character myself).

First up, as Kanata was dubbed the audience voted least normal, I’ll touch  briefly on which specific aspect differed here between Kanata and Yuzuru that made me choose Yuzuru over Kanata. Both by the general audience and by the characters within the world of Ensemble Stars, Kanata is perceived as weird and strange, and his backstory explains that weirdness very well… perfectly well, basically. Of course he’s weird and outlandish given he grew up believing he was a living god. Meanwhile, Yuzuru is deemed as pretty normal by both characters and the general audience. At least on the surface! The amount of enstars fans I’ve heard call Yuzuru boring just confirms this, really. Who would ever dream of calling Kanata boring? But the characters who know Yuzuru better, or for those who finally get to interact with him more than very surface level, they suddenly uncover that oh shit hang on this guy is TERRIFYING and INSANE and what the actual FUCK IS GOING ON??? (See: Resort Live when Adonis is in the water and when Yuzuru dives to fetch him he felt like he was being followed by a wild carnivore and was confused as to how the hell Yuzuru had hidden that kind of aura up until now). Love how I said brief and then reached this length BUT essentially it’s the juxtaposition of Yuzuru’s external perception versus his actual reality that puts him on top of the weirdness ladder for me. Kanata’s weirdness is very in line with his history, giving him an aspect of normality, or at least expectedness, in my opinion (I’m in no way denying that Kanata is NOT NORMAL, though, don’t worry. My only actual denial of any not normal allocations is Wataru… but we’ll get to that in another essay xoxo)

RIGHT now let’s start with the Yuzuru focus. We’re gonna go back to his past to begin with. And no, I don’t mean the military camp, actually (although the very fact I just said those words should hopefully be clueing you in to Yuzuru’s abnormality). I’ll leave a list at the end of this of all the stories I got my facts from, as well as some key Yuzuru focussed readings if you want to learn more hehe. Saying that, I talk about Yuzuru’s past pre-military because it starts off as a wild backstory even before we get to the slightly more unhinged stuff. He was born into a family of butlers, and thus was fated to work for the Himemiyas and serve them… WHAT???? Yuzuru’s family are essentially slaves, and we know next to nothing about his parents. So many enstars characters are highlighted for having abusive families as an aspect of their abnormality and the weirdness with which they were raised, but yuzuru never gets brought up amongst those. How does this scenario even happen in the modern world???? I am SO CONFUSED and we have basically no answers. Does Yuzuru get paid?????? He’s been a butler since he was BORN so… probably not?? Is he essentially a slave???????? I suspect maybe!! We already know the Himemiyas are NOT EXACTLY THE EPITOME OF MORAL CORRECTNESS (see: they run an orphanage that filters into a fucking military training facility) so I would not put it past them. So- backstory and utter weird environment to be raised in? CHECK!!!! Yuzuru might have been raised in the weirdest environment out of all enstars characters except perhaps Kanata. Or joint weirdest WITH Kanata!! He grew up being trained to be perfect and to be entirely subservient. He had no interaction with peers, no downtime, doesn’t even have his own house given he lives at the Himemiya’s mansion. It’s absolutely insane if you stop and think about it for more than five seconds, and no one ever seems to talk about it??? Yuzuru Fushimi, man.

And we don’t know much about Yuzuru during this time (probably for good reason- he is cagey about anything that makes it look like he doesn’t enjoy his role and boy does this time include those feelings!), but we do know from Tori that he was not naturally talented at being a butler, would make loads of mistakes, and would hide in the shadows and cry over it. Yuzuru was just a KID. He’s only one year older than Tori, but he was expected to perfectly master pretty much every skill ever. He’s way too over-competent at seemingly everything, and as easy as that is to attribute to the military training…. a lot of stuff doesn’t make sense for that. He was trained to do e v e r y t h i n g. Child abuse, yay!! That’s essentially what it is when you think about it!! Were his parents trapped like this too?? How did his parents meet?? Are they the ones trapping him in this role, or is it the Himemiyas??? Because Yuzuru certainly seems to believe that his parents hold the authority, but idk how much of that is a biased perspective from what Yuzuru saw and knew as a child.

Okay. I think I’ve set the scene for why Yuzuru is insane and weird as fuck. I’d also like to give a brief breather from the agonising lore (bc it’s military time next) to let you all know that I’m writing this whilst desperately smacking auto-live bc I’m grinding for Ghostic Treat House Yuzuru <3 fine I love you <3

That’s all the reprise you get, trauma time again! So, you’re probably aware if you only watched the enstars anime to gain familiarity with ! era lore that Yuzuru spent time at a military facility with his good childhood friend Ibara (he would stab me for saying that lol). But that’s not all! So yes, Yuzuru was sent to the Himemiya’s military facility, where they were actually trained for wars, given the Himemiya’s army are actively fighting ppl during the events of Primavera (lol so much for me saving references to the end). Did Ibara and Yuzuru actually see the battlefield? Textual evidence would suggest perhaps, because Ibara mentions it being funny how a man who can face enemy forces alone is afraid of dogs. But that could be a metaphor and it may have just been training. Either way, definitely had to learn battle relevant skills and were given brutal training. But that’s still not all! From what we can gather from Yuzuru’s internal musings (although he is a somewhat unreliable narrator like 50% of the time tbh), he was sent to the military facility to learn better discipline so he’d stop acting up and play the role of a butler properly. This, combined with the crying when he messed up, gives two plausible reasons for him being sent. 1. he was considered too incompetent and the military was supposed to train him to be more competent as a butler, or 2. he was acting out big style and they wanted to quite literally beat him into submission so he’d treat his role more seriously. There is a scarier third possibility here, but that’s coming hehe don’t worry (: 

What happened when Yuzuru got to the military? Because so far yeah this is a wild situation but it doesn’t highlight Yuzuru’s utter insanity quite as well as I advertised. Ohohoho, don’t worry. Yuzuru was somehow so naturally gifted at being in the fucking military (whilst not being naturally gifted at being a butler, I remind you all!!) that he rose up to leadership and became an instructor IMMEDIATELY. He was in charge of Ibara, and assumably other people too, despite being the same age as him (and quite probably younger than others). Is it possible he rose through the ranks because of his status? No not really. He’s a butler to the Himemiyas, not an actual family member!! And he’s essentially been cast out by them, so why would they care?? It’s also implied and makes all Yuzuru lore add up if he was just… incredibly and terrifyingly talented with weaponry, fighting, tactics, etc etc don’t ask me what military things are important i don’t know. So I’m choosing to believe that the lore all checks out and that Yuzuru was made an instructor because he was freakishly good. Now about his role as an instructor!! 

Most of our info does come from Ibara which is… likely to be negatively biased, but we also have actual flashback scenes which legitimately support Ibara’s perception. Which was, in short, that Yuzuru’s training was spartan. He was harsh and ruthless and ruled with an iron fist… but he also genuinely cared about his pupils (and again, we infer that he had multiple bc he calls Ibara his favourite pupil. Although funny if he’s his fave by default lmao). The military is also the first time Yuzuru gets the chance to be a kid, which is ironic given he is AN INSTRUCTOR IN THE MILITARY. But he gets the chance to sit and talk with Ibara in between training and attempting to murder each other (which is like the closest thing to playing tag that Yuzuru has ever participated in, I reckon). I could write a separate essay about how important Ibara and Yuzuru are to each other, but that’s for another day (pls pls pls ask me to write it pls i just need the excuse). 

We find out some interesting things from Yuzuru’s conversations with Ibara. He hopes to die on the battlefield to show his parents (haha remember that scary third option…. what if this was their plan HAHAHAH). He wants to die out of spite, and he wants to die for the freedom. He hopes he never has to return and be a butler again. He feels free at the military camp, which is ironic given the intent was to trap him there to teach him a lesson. It’s also ironic, given both Ibara and Yuzuru refer to the training camp as an awful, horrible place. 

That definitely isn’t the end of me talking about Yuzuru and military experience, but it is the end of it in this linear fashion I’m taking to explain why Yuzuru is so fucked up and weird and insane.

So, he returns from the military! Read: he is forcibly taken back to the Himemiya mansion. And when he returns, Tori cries and hugs him and begs him to never leave again because he was so lonely without Yuzuru and scared etc etc. And we know that Yuzuru looked at him crying and decided that actually, this was something worth treasuring and putting his life towards. Tori was worth serving- he cared about Tori and wanted to protect him, and he had the abilities now (and probably always) to do exactly that. Was this inspired by Ibara saying he just wanted something to treasure and dedicate his life towards keeping/obtaining? Yep!!! Same story!!! Yuzuru took Ibara’s goal and went ‘snatched, mine now’ but fr… they had such an impact on each other. So, Yuzuru is ‘happily’ being a butler now. In other words, he’s taking his fate and making it his decision, as much as he can (or probably to convince himself hmmm). But where’s the insanity here, before we reach idol time? Well, here we discover that Yuzuru contemplates murdering Tori multiple times!! As a means of escape? As a reflexive urge to kill that he’s developed/been suppressing all along? Who knows! I still can’t quite believe that this is even canon but yeah!!! It’s not always a joke when Yuzuru says scary things to Tori and threatens him with weapons! He has legitimately contemplated murdering him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yuzuru Fucking Fushimi, folks!!!!!!!!

This section is also where I’d like to discuss Yuzuru’s fear of dogs, because he also had to acquaint himself with King (Tori’s dog) during these years. Do you know the reason why Yuzuru’s afraid of dogs? I hear you ask, because I am inside your walls rn. Was there an incident? At the Himemiya’s? At the military camp? No!!! Tori says he’s literally always been afraid of dogs, and Yuzuru confirms this and gives us an explanation as to why! He says that dogs are inherently ferocious hunters- killers at heart- and yet they wear an innocent, harmless mask of being ‘man’s best friend’, covering up the human lives they have taken and are easily capable of taking at the smallest provocation. He fears dogs because he fears their true nature that they’re hiding behind their perceived harmlessness. They’ve masked their bloodlust with domestic obedience- a facade many dogs have tricked themselves into understanding as reality. When I thought about Yuzuru’s explanation for about five minutes before I started this essay, it suddenly slid into place in a way I’d never studied Yuzuru’s fear of dogs before.

Yuzuru fears himself. This checks out with the dog metaphors he makes of himself, of Ibara, that Ibara makes about Yuzuru and of himself. Obedient lapdog, untrained mutt, guard dog etc. etc. The parallels were right there. Yuzuru is an obedient lapdog for Tori… but he’s a predator by nature. A born killing machine whom everyone trusts without hesitation because of the loyal and obedient facade he parades, convincing even himself is reality. Yuzuru is afraid of the hunter he is and when his true nature might escape. I don’t read it as a ‘being afraid of when others will find out that he’s secretly evil’ sort of situation. More a ‘being afraid of when he won’t be able to stop himself & the mask will disintegrate forever and reveal the hunter within. Being afraid of when he might attack’. Ouch. Yuzuru can I give you therapy pls I’m begging. ANYWAY Tori then gets into idols and Yuzuru is dragged along to fine shows, and when Eichi sees him in the audience (ignoring the fact that his first thought is ‘damn that bitch fine as fuck, i love a guy with blue hair purple eyes and a ponytail, smash’), he says Yuzuru looks wild and rugged (i’m going off memory I cba getting Daydream up just trust xoxo), which is interesting given he’s trying his best to be a loyal butler right now. He’s not quite mastered the mask at this point, I suspect. Other things we know from this era are that Yuzuru helped sneak Tori out to go to karaoke as idol practice. I wonder how he felt getting to sing and dance for the first time.

Fun fact in case you hadn’t noticed by now- I’m not very good at staying on topic bc I loooove to go on random tangents of character analysis. I swear this is still about how Yuzuru is the weirdest enstars character… somehow….

So! We’ve finally reached canon timeline in the chronological part of this essay (HOW LONG IS THIS THING GONNA BE?? I hear you worry because, once again, i am in your walls). Yuzuru joins fine yayyy and he’s a transfer student to Yumenosaki given he’s just following Tori. So… did he even go to school before??? Given he has to follow Tori??? Did he take a year out? I’’m so curious as to Yuzuru’s history because how tf did his childhood work? He passes the fine test easily bc turns out he’s also very naturally talented as an idol. He’s very physically fit so it’s unsurprising. What’s sooo fun to know about his joining fine, though, is that he immediately knows exactly what Eichi is like, immediately gets links with the StuCo and joins Keito’s club to get In There with the top people (networking innit and also… club with bow and arrows. Tsukasa confirms he’s freakishly good wow who would’ve guessed Yuzuru would be so naturally talented with a weapon), and apparently immediately developed an escape plan for him and Tori so that if Eichi ever tried to destroy them, he could take Tori and dip. I wonder if that escape plan is still in place, now! Anyway, we also learn in this era that Yuzuru starts to love being an idol and finds he’s genuinely enjoying it. However, the reasons he’s enjoying it are… not exactly normal. He loves being an idol because he’s surprised that it’s able to spur the human emotions of anger and frustration within him (basically, he’s surprised that being an idol brought out his painstakingly buried emotions). We also learn that he’s extremely envious that Tori and Eichi were able to escape their fates laid out by their parents to pursue being idols, but he immediately tries to suppress thoughts like this. The difference between having money and not, huh? Tori and Eichi could escape. Yuzuru was always going to be trapped :( Yuzuru also starts to experience having friends for the first time (does Ibara count as a friend?? It was way wilder and more insane than that) so essentially Yuzuru’s first ever experience of normal teenager things is when he is 16/17. But at least he gets to have a pillow fight and absolutely destroy everyone! And get yelled at by a teacher!! Proud of him for having fun. 

This era is also where we get Yuzuru completely lying to himself, us, and his peers. Everyone is quite conscious of getting Yuzuru to enjoy his life outside of being Tori’s butler, and he’s very much manipulated everyone (including the audience even though we can compile the evidence to discover otherwise) into believing that he’s always been such a loyal and simple butler with no thoughts of his own aside from those that are wishes to serve his master. We know this isn’t true… and yet Yuzuru tries to convince us and everyone in the story that this is reality, to the point that we get people being proud of Yuzuru for coming so far. We get Tori being proud of him! And feeling guilty for him always sacrificing his life for him. Ugh I love Tori actually. The second I started reading stories about Tori and Yuzuru it hit how much guilt Tori has over Yuzuru’s fate and AGHHHH oops I got sidetracked again. Anyway. Yuzuru’s an unreliable narrator and that’s important to his weirdness, because he hides his true utter insanity from even us as the audience!! He lies to himself, to us, to his peers, everyone!!! You cannot fool me, Yuzuru Fushimi. I see through you. I’ve figured out your utter unhingedness. The complete juxtaposition between the very ordinary bland background character you depict yourself as versus the utter fucking WEIRDO that you actually are <3

Moving onto !! era, Yuzuru introduces himself in the main story by being INSANE and everyone seems to forget about it? The first thing he does is discuss how beneficial it is to show up first to important events and prepare the drinks because you gain the upper hand of knowing you could’ve poisoned them and everyone knows you could have, but that he’d never do that because everyone would indeed know it was him. And that’s one of the joys of being a butler! HELLO??? YUZURU WTF BABE????? But that’s always just glanced over. Also there’s the whole insanity of Eichi reminding us that Ibara is the only person whom Yuzuru shows this other side of himself around, and by that we mean the side where he… openly threatens extreme physical violence. Also frontline watchdogs happens. And we learn that Yuzuru still very obviously cares about Ibara gahhh. Anyway, back to insanity time, Wataei are kinda mean to Yuzuru in this era, because they do end up toying with him quite a bit, and we get a lot of Yuzuru dealing with thoughts regarding the Himemiyas and the impact of ES and stuff, because he can’t even just be an idol, he’s also essentially in charge of Tori’s responsibilities until Tori is ready, AND he’s becoming an actor because wow how surprising he’s really good at fighting roles and getting into character (sarcasm, bc… it is not surprising. hey who wants to hear me scream into a forest about wataru and yuzuru and facades it’ll be super fun I promise). Other insane stuff includes the time Yuzuru thinks Ibara is holding Tori hostage so he walks into a room and straight up STRANGLES IBARA because he knows how Ibara responds to being tortured for info so knows he’ll get the truth here. He also proceeds to reveal he’s learnt vocal mimicry from Wataru and will fuck shit up if Ibara tries anything using that trick (how did he learn that???? Plus Wataru is cagey about teaching new skills so it is either an omg yay wataru and yuzuru getting close moment or a…. yuzuru did you just analyse his ability and somehow replicate it??). Also in this era, we learn that Yuzuru accompanies Eichi with a lot of business related things, because of course he gets to be involved in the big ES happenings, and that he’s become wayyy more petty and rude to Eichi. It’s a big step for Yuzuru, who’s been forced to be so polite to his superiors. Like can you believe it. The Himemiyas’ butler being rude and passive aggressive and turning down THE Eichi Tenshouin?? He’s wild for that, but he knows Eichi well enough to know he’s safe because Eichi loves it. Yuzuru is so good at reading people. Oh yeah the other !! era moment I was going to mention was the time he took both Adonis and Hiiro in a fight. Canonically strong guys with training in martial arts/defensive techniques. And he legit scared Hiiro with how suddenly his demeanour changed from passive butler to ‘don’t hold back on me >:)’ oooo I love the utter thrill he always gets when he can go all out and attack people!! He’s so fucked up!!

And now on the theme of that, we have !!! era, because pretty much all he’s done since this new era began is fight people. In his cross scout with Kaoru, he gets disappointed in himself when Nagisa outruns him. It’s interesting to note that despite the lack of practice of his abilities Yuzuru gets outside of situations often purposefully set up so he can fight (usually by Eichi and/or Wataru like the incident in Fist of Idol Togenkyo), he still assumes himself to be… the best at any sort of combat out of everyone in his current environment. Do you know what I would give to see Yuzuru and Kuro fight??? I would LOVE to witness it, but I know neither of them would be willing to go all out on each other :(. So when Nagisa ends up out-running/outmanoeuvring him, he’s peeved. Like it’s not a surprise given Nagisa is genetically created to be The Best at Everything, but damn, how highly does Yuzuru think of his own combat abilities? It never really hit me until this point. Not only is he trained at combat, but he very much thinks/knows he’s good at it, and essentially takes pride in that fact? He’s such an interesting critter. Then we have the shuffle unit, too, where Yuzuru gets to go all out and apprehend a thief and he VISIBLY has fun doing it, as well as internally discussing as much. But we also have textual proof from someone else (a random director) that Yuzuru’s ‘snap’ is a thing. He can switch between this polite, passive butler and a bloodthirsty beast in SECONDS, and the joy he feels from being a vicious hunter is probably palpable. Other people can see him essentially change mask at the flip of a switch and become someone else entirely, and it’s wild. The fact Niki is the other person who does this is also beautiful because Niki in hunger mode is also a terrifying bloodthirsty beast. Can’t believe he won most normal, even with CrazyB being CrazyB.

I’ve finally covered somewhat of a chronological series of events for Yuzuru’s character that have led to the juicy stuff of why I view him as the straight up weirdest and least normal character. Whilst that was a lot of character analysis to do with who he is at his core, as well as his background and where he’s at mentally and in terms of progression in the story, now is for a beautiful collection of utterly unhinged things he’s said/done that make me go ‘what the FUCK Yuzuru’. Which, admittedly, I do a LOT. 

he MCs for the new year live featuring Trickstar and Akatsuki and decides to fuck around with Keito because he looks too serious. He then gets drunk on the joy of fucking with Keito and just keeps screwing with the scoring system and everything whilst Keito is seething with the betrayal

he used to genuinely think his drawings were lovely, but then according to others they looked like ‘horrifying yokai thirsting for blood’, ‘vegetables committing cannibalism’ or just ‘makes [them] anxious looking at it’ so wtf is actually wrong with his perception???

has said he feels the urge to kill Tori sometimes, but ‘a true gentleman suppresses his anger’…. JUST SIT WITH THAT ONE FOR A WHILE

He’s said he wants to dissect Wataru… medically… bc of his stamina levels

He’s also threatened to take Wataru to a secluded area and cut off each of his fingers with a bradawl. YUZURU??????

Nagisa is surprised at his dexterity when he very competently ties Jun to a pillar

He cleans ES and Yumenosaki in secret because he doesn’t trust other people to do it right. Not the most insane thing ever but it adds to his issues. Also cleaning is his favourite thing to do. Cleaning. This man has a body count and I mean in the murder sense

He loves to draw even though he’s shit at it. It’s just really funny to me that he’s very dexterous and talented at pretty much everything except the one hobby he wants to have

He can pilot a helicopter- only he and Madara are known to be capable of this

He’s the best at archery and at using firearms in Yumenosaki. And most likely ES. But he’s careful not to show off his talent and ‘true nature’ because he’s an idol and doesn’t want to scare people off

He has abs. Multiple characters have commented on this. Koga has felt them up

When he gets lost in thought he tightens his grip ridiculously tight. Figured this out due to him subconsciously tightening his grip on both Ibara’s neck during SS and Tori’s clothes during Resort Live

He speaks overly politely, but with the exact same dialect as Ibara which- i’m gonna lose my linguist status for the way I’m about to butcher this- from what I can gather is easy to interpret in a rude and sharp/passive aggressive tone. I’m going off characters who say Ibara and Yuzuru speak exactly the same, and the way Rei and Eichi highlight how Yuzuru says polite words but they’re very rude and barbed despite the politeness

His dancing is sharp and impeccable and his physical abilities are apparently ridiculously impressive, far above what would ever be expected of a butler (who’s surprised?)

His administrative abilities are incredible because he’s just overall a freakish genius apparently

He can completely hide his presence. He managed to scare Nagisa during the recent Halloween event and Nagisa is a very literal freak of nature who has been lab made to be a perfect specimen with like every skill ever soooooo terrifyingly impressive imo

Now, to conclude this insanity is my main point as to why Yuzuru takes the cake as the most insane enstars character to me. And whilst yes it’s obvious from all of this that he’s absolutely batshit insane, so are many other characters, but the reason my vote goes to Yuzuru over anyone else is because of the disparity between his public perception vs. who he is. And I mean both in game and out of game. I asked my lovely partner whose biggest flaw is not giving a flying fuck about my beloved Yuzuru Fushimi no matter how many times I yell about him what their opinion was of Yuzuru prior to knowing my insanity about him. I’d like to highlight that my partner is a big fan of Ibara, so knew about Yuzuru’s backstory at least, but was otherwise oblivious to most fine lore outside the main story, being a CrazyBP. My girlfriend said that, to them, Yuzuru was just a mild mannered butler who doesn’t come across as a big personality, especially next to the rest of fine. She said he’s very overshadowed when you have 2 characters very in-your-face personality wise and Eichi Fucking Tenshouin in your unit. Further thoughts were that whilst some characters you can soak up information of via osmosis, Yuzuru isn’t one of them.

And this was INSANE to me. Because how is it possible to be an Ibara fan and a NikiP who loves Niki’s kitchen and somehow no Yuzuru lore has seeped into your awareness???? And this is what makes me go oh yeah. Yuzuru is the least normal character from a character perspective as well as within the narrative. How do you write a character THIS INSANE with this many unhinged things being said and done in pretty much any story he shows up in, but the fandom who don’t pay attention to him just,,, completely miss it all and view him EXACTLY AS HE TRIES TO PRESENT HIMSELF TO OTHER CHARACTERS: as a mild-mannered, overly polite butler who loves servitude?? Yuzuru Fushimi has not only bewitched the characters into believing his facade, but he’s thoroughly hoodwinked the general audience of ensemble stars too. No one believes Wataru to be normal and casual, and arguably he’s the most normal of fine (at least in terms of upbringing, consistency, motivations etc….. but also he is literally me and i’ve been told I’m devastatingly Not Normal, so maybe that doesn’t count). No one would claim to call Kanata normal. No one thinks HiMERU or Mayoi or Shu & Mika, or the twins are normal. Everyone knows, at least in part, how insane they are, whether they produce the unit and know the lore or not. But Yuzuru!!!! He has fooled you all!!!! He has fooled everyone, and that’s exactly what he wants to do but exactly what he is terrified of doing, too. He fears the utter insanity inside him, but he’s also desperate for any chance he can find to unleash it and, for lack of a better phrase, go beast mode.

Yuzuru Fushimi, folks. He is one hell of a character and I hope you’ve enjoyed my ridiculously long essay on exactly why he is the craziest son of a bitch in ensemble stars. At least to me <3

And now for an incomplete list of references because I legit forget where half my knowledge comes from, I just read it once and forever absorb it into my brain:

! Era:

RESORT LIVE!!! lots of Yuzuru insight

Noble game. A lot of Yuzuru, specifically within his Butler context

GANG!!!! This is the backstory & ibayuzu lore story and it kills me every time

Flower Fes. Not huge on Yuzuru lore but gives an insight into his beginnings at Yumenosaki

Toyland. Yuzuru’s drawings and feelings about being an idol come up here. As well as Tori’s guilt about Yuzuru

School Trip. Aka Yuzuru unreliable narrator the novel

!! Era:

FRONTLINE WATCHDOGS!!!! It’s the Ibayuzu lore of !! era. !!’s answer to Gang

SS finals. It’s really long so specifically the chapters with Ibara and Yuzuru are where the lore is

Fist of Idol Togenkyo. I didn’t mention it much here but it covers Yuzuru’s acting and fighting quite well

Tempest & Primavera are the fine stories that discuss Yuzuru’s current role in ES and Tori’s life best but I didn’t reference them loads

Fair Waltz. It’s a short scout story but it’s so good for Yuzuru & Eichi dynamic & Yuzuru fighting

Grand Slam. There’s like one chapter during the sports festival about Yuzuru and guns lol

Yuzuru idol story episode 3. Ibayuzu reflect on their past & I cry

Seasoning as you like (Niki idol story). Niki’s kitchen revealing some of Yuzuru’s violent tendencies

!!! Era

Intelligence. Cross scout with Kaoru where the Nagisa incident happens

Ballade of the Lost Ones. Shuffle Unit!!!! Yuzuru goes wild!!!

[aquapede]

happily ever after, among other things, is an exploration of the path in the woods/reset ending, and player experience.

real quick i'm going to get this out of the way: yes, seeing it as a dying relationship is the most obvious reading, considering the themes of the chapter. i realize that, and i think that idea coexists with this one. this isn't dismissing that aspect of it. it's merely another facet of it.

okay now buckle in. this is a bit of a long one.

so, first off, the chapter is described as an epilogue. this chapter is unique in that regard.

but clearly it's not an actual epilogue. for many reasons. and it could be argued that this is because smitten wants this to last forever, but i think there's more to it. it's an epilogue because you've been here before, haven't you? you've finished things. and now you're back for more. well here it is.

once you ascend to the princess, she is sitting at a long table--a titanic distance between you and she that you cannot cross. depictions of you and her together cover the walls, untold stories that will never come to pass.

she's been expecting you to get here. to come 'home'. there is an implication that this has happened before. this is a tired song and dance. and god are you tired.

your shadow looms on the wall. holding you as much as it holds her, keeping you locked together just as much as it is keeping you apart. this only continues because you will it so; you don't want this to end. you can't let it end.

'but...we would have to stay here forever.'

the torches burn on the wall. they're what's keeping you happy. i find it interesting that, if you count the princess here, you have the same number as how many vessels the shifting mound wants, and that refusing to engage with her makes torches go out--denying her a vessel.

but let's not think about that. you and her enjoy something new and exciting together. it is the best experience like this that you have ever had. it is fresh, it is deep and invigorating. the two of you enjoy this. wasn't that perfect? wouldn't it be better if you do it again? can't we enjoy this again? you both want more.

and so you do it again. and it is enjoyable. you see new aspects of the experience; facets you never thought of before. it's exciting to stumble across these things. but then it ends. again. and you still want more.

so you do it again. there is less to see now, and what there is that is left doesn't invigorate you as much as it once did. it is the small things; simple moments between broad strokes. you've seen this before. you see them anyway.

no, no, you need to do it again. your set the stage again. you perform your play again. you used to love this one.

...then why doesn't it make you feel anything anymore? if you want this so much, why don't you enjoy it?

and that's it. you don't enjoy it anymore. neither of you do, and that guilt ways heavy over you. you've exhausted that whole experience, what are you meant to do now? you're scared of what will happen once you leave this comfortable familiarity you're in--this cage you've grown fond of.

you find something else to do. she sets the stage. what if we try and do something we've never done before? just...try something? anything.

and it is fun. you enjoy yourself again. you try so many things together. you try warmth and comfort. you try betrayal and cruelty. you do well, you do poorly. but all of these are new experiences. you're detached from the reality of these situations. it's just pretend.

you win. the board resets. she wins. the board resets. you go through more complicated paths. you see things you never saw before. it's all so exciting. the rush of testing your will on hers. you enjoy this.

but you're happy, right? you're still enjoying this?

what if you just spend time together? it doesn't even have to be a new activity. you don't have to do anything. just experience this moment together, go through the tired halls of all that we've exhausted. we can make this work. please. we don't have to leave. maybe it's your desperation bleeding into her, or maybe she fears that unknown as much as you do.

but...wouldn't it be nice to leave? to finally start your dance together, even if it's scary? she smiles sadly as she thinks about it. but that terror hasn't left you. you want her to stay. you want to stay with her. you dig your heels in. but...

'i'm not happy here. i don't think i ever was.'

that's what breaks you.

and for the first time in a long, long time, you find yourself sitting in the dark. there is no familiarity to this pain. only the knowledge that you have so utterly failed her.

'i feel empty.'

'me too.'

she's the one that crosses the gap between you. she meets you where the door to your freedom awaits, where you stand and stall as always.

'do you...still care about me?'

you've lived so many lives together. you've done so much. do you still care? did you ever? you...think you do care. even if it has been misguided and painful, hasn't that always been the two of you? that's a spark of familiarity. you see it in her too.

you've outgrown this place. you've seen what it holds. you know now; it's time to go. she leads you out of here, you trailing behind her. it...feels real. more real than the recursive lives you've lead.

and finally, she gets her wish. out in the night, you begin to dance. and it's invigorating. it's new, yes, but it's also...right, in ways you can't explain. there is no path for you to walk. there are no doubts holding you in the past. there is only you, and there is only her. this is where you're meant to be.

and finally, you are.

...but there are other endings to this. you don't always leave with her. sometimes that terror grips tighter. it doesn't have to end. we can just start over again. we don't ever have to admit how much it hurts. there is fondness to this monotony.

so you keep the flame lit. you keep the cycle going. we can be on this path in the woods forever.

or...perhaps you realize now that what was once love has gone putrid in your hands. what began as an exploration of each other's souls has only bred resentment. maybe she's been a monster all along. maybe you were just waiting for an opportunity. but you've made your decision.

you expect her to be mad. furious, even. but she's not. just...resigned. what is different about death compared to this eternity of the same words, repeated over and over? it's always been cold here.

but at least it's over.

[dragonrider9905]

Infectious Love

Summery: After a failed, almost confession of love, you and Hunter's relationship is skating on thin ice...that is, until someone falls through (or gets stabbed in the gut), so to speak.

Warnings: Angst, lots of it, but comfort too. Lots of emotions. Mentions of blood and sickness.

Hellooooooooo @imaginesfordifferentfandoms tis I, your Secret Santa in the @cloneficgiftexchange!!!!! I really, really, hope you like it. I worked really hard on it ;D So I hope it turned out the way I imagined it in my head ;D Enjoy this kinda longish drabble XD Hehehehe now you understand all the questions I asked. I hope you don't mind I went with Hunter. You seemed to not mind any of them; he's my favorite so I know I can get carried away :D and I wanted to make sure the story was nice! Also, I gave Hunter's scarf a destiny. A fate. A sense of purpose. We now know what happened to it. I have spoken.

Furthermore, I'd like to throw a huge shout out to some people who deserve it. Firstly, @ghostofskywalker. Thank you so much for organizing this event and all the other ones like it. They are always so much fun and I enjoy them immensely. It is safe to say the others who join feel the same way. Thank you for all the hard work you put into it all! Also, thank you to @photogirl894 for being an awesome beta reader and supportive friend. I don't know if I would have finished this fic on time if she hadn't helped me through all the rough spots by her encouraging words. Bestie, you read everything but the ending...I hope you like it <3

The decree is written, now, let the story unfold.

“As a father, you couldn’t ask for a better place to raise a child.”

You’d heard Shep say these words to Hunter your first day on Pabu, and you had to admit, it made your heart flutter a little bit. You’d fallen hard for Hunter a long time ago but duty always got in the way. At first, you hadn’t realized just how much you cared for him during the Clone War, serving as their medic, until Hunter received a shot in the chest. It was then that you realized, or rather were honest with yourself, that your friendship was always more than just a friendship. Almost losing him gave you a clarity and an honesty with yourself that you needed, but that didn’t make things easy. In fact, they made them harder.

Because now you knew how YOU felt, but you had NO IDEA how he felt. Every day, you’d face a new challenge, a new battle, overcome insurmountable odds against the Separatists on top secret missions and won. Every night, you’d have a heart to heart with Hunter, talking about things that made him laugh, made you laugh, things that made you cry, or things that upset him. 

But never unburying that heavy secret locked away in your heart. 

You considered yourself brave in many aspects but not when it came to problems with the heart. You could tell Hunter anything and everything, except how you felt about him. Instead, you’d find little things every day to show him you loved him. You’d fix his caf the way he liked it, you’d make sure the others were considerate of his sense, you listened to him when he wanted to rant, you showed him you trusted him. You were his shoulder to lean on, his unofficial right hand man. Technically, Crosshair filled those shoes but not always. You tried to be the head of reason when the boys fought and patched them up when they were done arguing. 

Then the Clone War ended with fateful Order 66. Your world turned upside down and even though circumstances were different, your situation was the same. 

That secret would have to be pried out of your cold dead hands. 

You’d been on the run, constantly in fear for your lives and that of the child in your care. You’d started to love her as your own daughter, and you could see Hunter did too. You’d seen Hunter with Cut and Suu’s children before, but somehow, this was different. He’d cared for her as a father would. And that made your heart melt more than you ever thought it could. 

Now, here on Pabu, having something that resembled peace and a chance at a life, was it time? Could you actually have the dream you despaired of. The dream which was a nightly comfort but in the morning seemed unreachable as something you thought you couldn’t hope for? 

Shep’s words teased you. Taunted you. Pried at you. 

Perhaps, perhaps it was time to open your heart? 

“So have you reconsidered staying?”

“For soldiers, putting down roots is an occupational hazard.” 

“Is that all you are? Soldiers?”

You’d seen the thoughtful look on Hunter’s face. It was the one he made when he was considering something. There was no contention, just thoughtful pondering. 

Somehow, some way, that moment spurred you and you worked up the courage. 

Hunter sat in the cockpit, swirling his knife. You approached and leaned against the door. You’d love to sit there and watch that for hours. You smiled a little to yourself, waiting for him to recognize your presence so as to not scare him into a mistake (not that he’d ever but…better be safe than sorry.) 

“Echo said he’s on his way. Will be here in a few rotations.” he said without looking up. “Omega will be glad to see him.”

“Yeah, she misses him, the poor kid.”

Sheaving his knife, he turned to you. 

“So, what can I help you with?”

“Oh, you know, just checking in on my Sargeant. You’ve been in here all day.” You placed some fruit native to Pabu in front of him. You never could remember the name, but you’d noticed he liked them. 

“Thanks,” he gave half a smile while you took the seat next to him. “What kind of trouble are Wrecker and Omega getting into?”

“Ohhhh probably best not to know right now. Just enjoy the few moments of peace while you can.”

He chuckled and cut into the fruit.

“Soooooo” your heart pounded. You were actually going to do it. You got this…just had to breathe and remain steady, it’d be ok. 

Hunter gave you a side eye, silently offering you a piece of the fruit. Kriff, he can tell. You tried to slow your heart best you could. 

“So.” He prompted you.

You laughed. “I heard Shep the other day. Something about settling down…ever think about it?”

He sighed. “More than you know. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I’d like to but… It’s … complicated.”

“Ever think about marrying a pretty woman and having a family? Raising Omega somewhere safe where she’d be happy…”

He huffed a little. 

“Who’d I marry? Please don’t suggest the woman Wrecker’s friend was trying to set me up with.” 

At the words, the muscles in your face felt heavy and turned sour. The twinkle in your eye went out and the joy in your demeanor dissolved. 

An empty smile remained on your face. No indication to the outsider that anything had changed. But Hunter wasn’t an outsider. He knew you inside and out. 

Who’d I marry? You weren’t even a consideration. You weren’t on the list. Of course you wouldn’t be. It’d be foolish for you to think that. Why’d you hope in the first place? You should have known better. 

Swallowing hard, you bit back tears and forced a laugh. 

You had Hunter’s full attention now. He sat up straight and leaned forward a bit. 

He immediately sensed the change of demeanor. Your heart rate plummeted but beat hard. Your focus was gone, staring into nothing. Even if it was just for a millisecond, he’d have noticed it, but it lasted longer than that. 

Your hollow laugh filled the cabin.   

He knew he messed up.

Hunter moved to speak again but it was too late. You’d gotten up and moved toward the door. 

“Well um, I should go check on Omega and Wrecker and see what they’re up to before they do too much damage. Yeah, yeah…”

The next moment you were out of the cabin and down the ramp without a second look behind you. 

Kriff. He had to fix this. 

He almost went after you. He almost made it out the ship, but an incoming transmission stopped him. This could be the one he was waiting for. He looked longingly out to where he saw you hugging yourself, making your way slowly across the shipyard, and went back inside the ship. 

Kark it all. This’d better be important, Echo.

Tech was gone. Omega was taken. Crosshair a prisoner. Echo abandoned them, again. It was just you, Wrecker and Hunter now. A ship once filled to bursting with life and light, warm with the love and laughter shared between its walls, was now cold with an emptiness, a magnanimous devoid maw that the ship had never known before. 

Tech was dead. Crosshair was gone. Omega was taken. 

He was lost. 

Hunter might as well have added you to the list of lost as well, because even though you were physically on the ship, you weren’t with him. You were distant. Gone. In every way possible other than physical. You’d done your best to keep Wrecker and himself together. You’d been the same insurmountable strength you’d always been for them to lean on. You were being the strong one for them because you knew they couldn’t right now. He was angry, frustrated, focused and lost all in one but didn’t know where to direct that energy. As always, you came through. You acted the same as how you did throughout the entire Clone War, except not. The actions were all there, but there was a lost life to it. 

A lost love. 

And it was his fault. 

Though you were strong, you weren’t invincible. 

During the day you’d serve them. Got them food, made sure they rested, used every resource imaginable to find the little lost loved one. You tried to make them laugh and smile if you could or focus on the task at hand. Completing small missions to get by was his bane, because all Hunter wanted to do was find Omega, but you brought him back to the present, reeled in his reckless side when it got to be too much. You kept track of the inventory and how and when to push on. 

But every night he’d hear you silently cry yourself to sleep. 

You’d go and comfort Wrecker, then you’d offer the best gesture you could to him to encourage him, then you’d retire to your bed, broken down by the day. Tired, exhausted, empty. 

He saw it. And he caused it. 

And he hated himself for it. 

He’d lost you in a hasty, foolish sentence. One he’d said without much forethought. One he said because he was afraid if he’d said too much, or given any indication of the deeper feelings he had for you, you’d have rejected him and he’d lose you entirely. He thought he could be your friend. You deserved so much more. So much more than himself and what he could offer. He’d wanted to stay your friend so that way, even though he couldn’t have you, you’d be happy. He’d make sure that whoever he was, the man you’d marry would give you all the love he couldn’t. 

Turns out he was wrong.  

You did return his feelings and he broke you.

He should have gone after you, but he didn’t. He thought he’d have time. He thought he could do it when you’d return to the ship and he could sit down with you uninterrupted but he was wrong, so wrong. Echo arrived and in moments, though he didn’t know it, his life turned upside down. When the mission was declared, his focus turned to that. 

He should have talked to you. He should have let you know how he felt. 

But the manner of your hurt shifted. You were no longer hurt, but cold. 

Perhaps you didn’t want him to love you anymore. He didn’t know what to do. So much was wrong. So much that shouldn’t have been, was now his reality. 

In truth, you DID deserve more than him. Perhaps this was for the best. This hurt would pass and you’d meet the one you were supposed to be with. You could get over this fancy for him and live an actual life with someone else. 

The thought made his stomach churn and threatened to vomit, but perhaps, that’s what was meant to be. 

After all, sometimes to love someone you had to let them go. And Omega, she needed him right now, fully focused on nothing else but finding her. 

It was late in the night watch, Hunter sat alone staring at the broken pair of goggles and a plush toy that belonged to the child of the ship. His child, not by blood but by choice. 

Taken from him in a cruel twist of fate. 

He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair. Hunter wasn’t normally one for crying but he felt close to it now. He didn’t know what to do, but he knew Omega took priority over himself. He HAD to find her. Bring her home. Oh Force, what was Hemlock doing to her?

He felt his head start to pound and his brow furrowed. 

It hurt so much to love. This was love, wasn’t it? After all, what would he know? All he knew of it was what was in the novels and holofilms…

Something cold touched his head and he jumped in surprise. Opening his eyes, he found you had taken a few steps back surprised, with a blanket and an ice pack in hand. 

It didn’t go unnoticed you’d had the scent of fresh tears on your hands. 

“I’m sorry, I thought you were in one of your uncomfortable sleep cycles.” You offered gently. “You looked like you had a headache so I brought you this.” You shook the ice pack. 

Hunter sat up and rubbed his head. “I…can’t sleep.”

He looked down. It was so hard to keep your gaze. His throat tightened and tears sprung against his will. All he could do was sigh, long and heavy. 

Hunter was silent, not knowing what to say. He tried opening his mouth a few times but closed it at every attempt, frustrated. 

You slowly drew near him, considerate as you always were. Giving him a chance to stop you if he wanted or needed, but he didn’t. You crouched down in front of him and took his hands. 

A shock of surprise sprung his head up immediately and sent a shiver through his body. His brain registered your hands were cold and instinctively he moved to warm them, covering them completely with his own. But his mind was fully focused on your face. 

Your eyes glittered with unshed tears and your mouth had a half, crooked smile. A ghost of the one you’d had before. But there was something in your gaze he’d missed, he’d longed for. 

It was ‘that’ look. 

You hadn't looked at him like that in a long time. 

There was a warmth and a love aflame. A gentleness that hadn’t been there these long past few weeks.  

If eyes were truly the window to the soul, he’d seen that the embers were dying, but not gone. 

You squeezed his hand. 

“We’ll find her. I promise.” 

There was such a conviction in your voice, determination. A rawness that almost freighted him. A testament to the power you had. The power of your will and spirit. The power of your determination. One of the reasons he loved you so much. One of the elements in your looks that he yearned to see again after missing it for so long. 

He squeezed your hands. 

“Thank you for everything.” He swallowed hard, voice now scratchy and sore. 

You nodded and stood, pulling your hands from his. You placed the pack on his forehead and placed the blanket on him in two swift motions and made to go. You were fast, but not too fast for him. You’d tried to retreat, but Hunter jumped and grabbed your arms, centering you to himself. 

A surprised look crossed your face and he saw you searching him, wondering. 

“We need to talk.”

You looked away, tears starting to gather again, a breath catching in your throat wanting to break free. 

Hunter cupped your face with his hand and slowly, softly turned your gaze back to him. 

“Please.”

You nodded, but then looked away again. 

“Ok, but not now.” Your voice was heavy and empty. That void look entered your eyes, extinguishing the flame that was there before. 

“No, you should get some sleep, you look exhausted. You’re always looking after us. Tonight, take care of yourself, yeah?” He rubbed his thumb against your cheek, whipping away a tear that escaped. “Tomorrow.”

You nodded. “Tomorrow.”  

Lifting the blanket you’d brought for him, Hunter placed it over your shoulders with a reassuring squeeze then turned back to his chair, cradling the ice pack to his forehead. 

Tomorrow came, but started off all wrong. Emergency lights flashed and sirens blared. The Marauder made an emergency landing on the treacherous mountainous planet below. The hyperdrive malfunctioned and threw you out of hyperspace. It was a tumultuous, uncontrolled landing but Hunter managed with minimal damage to the exterior of the ship. The haul was a little banged up, but other than that, the smoking hyperdrive was the focus of your concern.

There was no Tech to fix the ship now. You were on your own.

“Do you think you can fix it?” Hunter looked at you worriedly. You’d helped Tech plenty of times in the past. You considered yourself pretty capable with all the training you received from him. 

Taking a look around, you carefully considered. 

“I think so, but it’s going to take time. This superficial stuff I’m not too worried about. We’ll have to make port somewhere soon anyway for supplies. We’re low on everything.” You’d been looking at the inventory the last few days and the lists were concerning. “I think we have enough credits to get by until we can do a job and earn more.” You rubbed your forehead. “I’ve been running numbers on how to keep ourselves sustained without needing to distract ourselves from our mission with a whole bunch of side missions anymore. I think it’ll work but you’re going to have to trust me. But I digress. I’ll patch up the hyperdrive which seems to be the main problem. I’ve got a weird feeling about this place, I don’t want to be here too long. Weather might not hold out for extensive repairs either.”

“Alright, we’ll discuss this when I get back. I’ll scout the area and see what we’re dealing with.” Hunter turned to leave, then paused. Half looking back he spoke: “And, I do. Trust you, I mean.” 

With that he put his helmet on and shouted to Wrecker. 

“Keep her safe. I’ll be right back.”

It’d been an hour. And Hunter wasn’t back. 

Whipping the sweat from your forehead you heaved a big breath.

“I think that’ll do it Wreck. Where’s Hunt?” 

Wrecker looked nervous. “Not back yet.” 

You looked at your wrist chrono and raised your eyebrows in surprise. Highly unusual.

“Ok, I’ll go look for him. Protect the ship.” 

“We should stay together.” Wrecker added quickly, “I’ll come with you.”

“I would like that too but at this moment that’s a luxury we can’t afford. We have to split up.”

Wrecker groaned. “Bad things ALWAYS happen when we split up.”

You softened and patted his shoulder comfortingly. 

“I know, big guy, I know. But the less we argue, the sooner we get Hunt back.”

Wrecker paused and nodded. “Ok.” He sighed and took his place by the ramp of the ship. “And…..it’s good to hear you call Hunter, Hunt again…”he trailed off uncertainly, “but it’s kinda making me scared. You think he’s….?” 

Your heart clenched in realization. You didn’t think how your hurt would shed and affect others. “Oh Wrecker….” You started but he stopped you. 

“Aw Doc, I am just worried about ya. You two always meshed together, you know? So when you didn’t, and now get soft again…” He shook his head. “Get Hunter back, and everything will be ok, yeah?”

“Yeah, it will. I promise.” You started off your sentence quaking but with every word you found your conviction. It was time to go. 

“I hope you two can work things out. I always liked it that way, ya know?”

You smiled, “Yeah I do actually, and I did too.”

“Well, do you think that … whatever happened…you two can fix it?”

Your smile faltered a little bit but Wrecker didn’t see that. Really, only Hunter would have been the one to notice.

“I’ll do my best.”

With one last nod to Wrecker, you set out.

You weren’t exceptional at tracking but Hunter taught you a thing or two. 

It was time to bring Hunter home.

Hunter skirted the edge of the cliff carefully. His foot set a few loose rocks tumbling into the unknown. Knife unsheathed and corned against the endless void beneath him, he glared at his enemy. Hunter met these villains almost as soon as he left the ship. It didn’t take him long to realize their harmful intentions and led them away from the ship, hoping to buy you as much time as he could to fix the ship. He’d taken out ten of these bandits already, but this one was of a higher status, he could tell by the large hat he wore and more expensive weapons he possessed. He’d be more of a challenge but that would only make it more fun. 

Hunter growled and lifted his knife in the ready. Blood and sweat dripped from his face from the few scratches and scrapes he had. 

He was prepared for anything.

“Get away from him!” An agonized voice filled with terror screamed. 

Your voice. 

Hunter’s heart dropped to his stomach and for the first time since the crash, terror entered his veins. He was prepared for everything, except that.

Garnishing your blade, you swiped the air to show the mysterious stranger you were serious. “Leave him alone!”

Hunter’s throat closed up. You didn’t have your blaster, and while still decent with the blade, you weren’t ready for this yet. He hadn’t finished your training. 

“Meshla, no!” 

Hunter reached out, distracted only for a moment but a moment is all it took. In the second he tried to get in between you and the enemy, a kick to his stomach sent Hunter over the side

“Hunter!” You screamed after him in terror. 

What you didn’t see was the flip he made or how he grappled onto the rock. If only you had the enhanced senses he did, you might have heard his hard breathing, the uneven sob, and the continuous prayer that somehow you could live long enough for him to get to you. 

His heart pounded. He wanted to call for you but that’d only make things worse for you. He grunted as silently as he could. He had to get to you. 

He heard your angry grunts, the slices of knives through the air, missing their marks. He heard you yelling unintelligibly and savagely. The man’s gleeful laughter. 

Your painful cry.

No

Those were some of the longest seconds of his life. What happened? He tried to climb faster but the rock was so slippery.

Watching Hunter get shot. Finding him shot again in the same place all this time later by Cad Bane, and now seeing Hunter tumble over the edge was more than you could handle. Anger like you’d never felt it bubbling all over you, tingling your fingers and guiding your blade’s every movement with hardened focus.

No, you couldn’t lose him like this. You wouldn’t. The man was quick, practiced. But you’d had a good teacher. Now wasn’t the time to doubt. Sure, you wished your blaster had survived the raid on Ord Mantel but there was nothing you could do about that except replace it when you made port.

You tumbled, dived, parried. This demon wouldn’t win. He made a hit on your arm and you cried out. The evil, smug smile he had was enough to refocus you instantly. Jumping for him unexpectedly, you caught him by surprise. You pushed your entire body against his in a close roll.

And your blade found a home in his heart. 

Breathing hard, it took you a moment to realize…you’d won. You defeated him! Hunter would be so proud.

Hunter!

Diving for the cliff, you slid toward the edge. 

“Hunter? Hunter!”

Hunter looked up at you, face hidden behind his visor but all the emotions were spilling from his mouth. “Are you ok? Mesh’la, what the karking hells?”

“Grab my hand!” Ignoring him, you reached down. “I’ll pull you up.” 

Hunter clasped your hand but you let out a cry of agony. Collapsing in a heaping pile. You were shaking but your grip held firm.

“Mesh’la…” 

“Don’t you dare let go. Don’t you dare.” Your demand was dry and forceful, but fear spilled from every word. “Please.” Your plea was soft, broken.

“Alright.” He tightened his grip.

Tears streamed down your face as you panted, hulling him up. Hunter seemed so heavy. You’d done exercises like this before and it was a lot easier. Hunter seemed to notice your lack of strength too.

You pulled and heaved and scooted and rolled until you managed to get his body over the lump. Immediately, Hunter started his barrage on you in between heaving breaths of his own.

“What were you thinking? Don’t you know you could have gotten yourself killed?”

You got to your feet and brushed yourself off, head dizzy with emotion and adrenaline.

“Do you,” you panted, “have any idea what you did to me? Don’t start with me…”

“Oh honey, just wait until I get started—“ 

You turned to look at Hunter who also had gotten to his feet, the words registering, but sounding quite distant. Was he yelling? You weren't sure. Suddenly, your breath was knocked from your lungs and a sharp pain invaded your entire body. 

Falling to your knees, you clutched your side to find it wet and sticky, and warm. You didn't need to pull your hand away to look at it to know there was blood, yet that's what you did, and you were shocked nevertheless to find the red, sticky substance on your hands. Gasping with wide eyes, you missed Hunter’s cry of alarm.  

“You’re bleeding!”

Hunter ran over to you and caught you as you crumpled to the ground in pain. Gathering you to himself, he rested your body against his.

Tearing off his scarf from around his neck, Hunter pressed it to your wound.

“You’re losing so much blood.”

“Nah, I know exactly where it is. Here, there, and a little over there.”

“Not funny.”

“I thought it was.” you faintly chuckled. 

With a dark look, he cut the red fabric into strips and bound your abdomen tightly. 

“I’ll get you back to the ship as soon as I can, just hold on for me ok?” 

You nodded but your eyes now felt so heavy. You just wanted to sleep. 

Scooping you up, Hunter started at a full run. 

The bouncing hurt. Every pounding bounce sent fire mixed with ice through your body. Your head rolled back and your eyes shut.

“Hey, hey, cyare, look at me. Look at me! Don’t give up on me yet, please.” 

Hunter came in running. 

“Wrecker! Wrecker! Get the ship started, we’re leaving NOW!”

Wrecker didn’t miss a beat. He saw you dangling limpless in Hunter’s arms and dashed up the walkway. Wrecker tore through the room, doing the start up sequences as fast as he could then meeting Hunter in the gangway, he threw the med kit at him. 

Back in the cockpit, Wrecker took the controls. 

Placing you in his bed, Hunter slapped your face.

“I know you’re in there, wake up! Wake up! Don’t leave me now, I need you. I can’t do this without you. Omega is depending on you. You’re stronger than this, come on!”

Injecting you quickly with a stim and re-wrapping your wounds, Hunter frantically chaffed your wrists until your eyes fluttered open. 

“Hunter?” You were looking around, trying to sit up. 

“Hey, hey don’t get up.” He placed a hand on your forehead, then your pulse points. He felt you slowly but surely starting to equalize. “Just rest for a bit, ok? I’m going to stay right here if you need anything.” He pulled up a chair next to you. 

“I’m ok,” you smiled weakly, “I was so scared when I saw those tracks. I thought I’d lost you again. But you’re ok, and that’s all that matters to me.” You squeezed his hand, then let the darkness take you.

All was still and dark. The Marauder gently rocked in what would pass for the early hours of the morning, if there really could be a morning or night in space. 

All was still and quiet inside the Marauder. Wrecker was by the controls watching the ship’s course and motion beacons, Hunter was fast asleep, leaned over the bed and holding your hand. 

You on the other hand were restless. Buckets of sweat fell from your forehead. Dizzy and disoriented, even laying down, a nauseous feeling crept up your stomach into your throat. 

You wormed your hand out of Hunters, not wanting to wake him. It’d been too long since he’d gotten any sleep at all and at last the complete and utter exhaustion took him over. You pushed on the bed, attempting and failing to drag yourself up. 

You glanced at Hunter, considering only for a moment, then resurfaced your determination. No, you’d let him rest. You could do this. Grasping the blanket’s cocooning you, you attempted to untangle the heavy sheet entwining you. It was so heavy, suffocating. 

With a heaving breath, you pushed your feet off the bed and lunged your body forward.

You were standing. 

But as soon as you got up, you realized your mistake. The ship spun and the dull aches over your body were awakened. Your stomach’s pain blew its trumpet and your ears felt like balloons that were going to pop. You must have swallowed marbles because there was barely any room in your throat. 

Oh well, you could only push forward. 

Stumbling into the bathroom, you turned on the cold water. Perhaps that would help. 

The first thing Hunter noticed was his hand was cold and clammy. The lack of warmth left a devoid and empty feeling embedded with a nervous foreboding. 

Next came the darkness, which became a haze, and that haze turned into a bubble as he fought he was to consciousness. The bed in front of him was empty and Hunter could vaguely make out the things around him, noises indecipherable. He thought he heard trudging of feet scraping against the floor, the turning of a facet with the gush of water, then a loud crash, and thud with a BAM!

Instantly his body was alert. Dashing toward the source of the sound, he knew subconsciously what he’d find. Your body on the floor, sprawled out and drained. Your face was pale as death, eyes hollow. You didn’t look like this a few hours ago? 

“Mesh’la? mesh’la! what happened? Did you hit your head? Why are you up?” A thousand questions spilled from his mouth in worry. 

Worming his body behind yours, he gathered you up gently. You mumbled something that was lost even to his hearing. 

Concerned, Hunter removed his gloves, and placed them on your face. 

You leaned into his warmth, shivering, unable to get warm, yet your skin felt like fire to him. You were burning. Beads of sweat danced on your forehead as large as the tears that fell from your eyes.

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Cradling you now, he carefully wrapped himself around your body. This allowed you to curl in on yourself and tuck yourself in further to his chest.

“‘M sry.”

Kriff, you could barely speak. 

“Don’t be sorry. I got you now.”

“Hunter, I-I can’t hear you too well.”

A wall of realization hit him hard. Kark it, he knew what happened. 

The fever, the swelling, the loss of balance and your voice, not to mention your hearing? 

You had an infection. 

Fear invaded Hunter’s senses. He’d never been sick like this, having super immune genetics (one thing to thank the long necks for he supposed). But now, how could he help if he didn’t know what you were going through exactly? 

This wasn’t the first time you were sick like this. He remembered the story you told of your childhood, and how one winter, you fell through the ice which resulted in something like this. The incident left you vulnerable and weakened, and he worried about you. 

You were tough and fought it out. But what if you couldn’t fight this one off? Would your second brush with death be enough to claim you?

Tears swelled your eyes and poured onto your cheeks. Small sobs started to wrack your body as emotion overtook you.

“I…sorry…don’t burnden…’Mega, gotta find…” 

“Hey, hey, it’s ok, I got you, I got you. You’re not a burden. We’ll get you better then we’ll find her. Hey, I got you, it’s ok.” Hunter had no idea how he managed to sound so calm. He’d never seen you like this before and it terrified him. Your small sniffles and hiccups reminded him of a small child. Every nerve and essence of his being screamed at him to protect you. 

“I’ll get you some water, I’ll be back. You have to stay hydrated.”

“Stay, I’ll get it.”

Hunter looked up to find Wrecker looking down at the two of you with a sad look in his eyes. “You should be with her.” He disappeared then returned a few minutes later with a full flask of cold water. 

Hunter brought it to your lips, but you barely swallowed any before relinquishing your strength to an empty sleep, exhausted by the struggle. 

Silence bore down on the three of you as Hunter and Wrecker looked on while you slept an uncomfortable sleep.

“I knew we should have stuck together.” Wrecker said sadly at last, not looking at Hunter. “I told her I’d come with her…”

“It’s not your fault, Wreck.”

“Bad things happen when we split up, I told her that….”

“This is all my fault.” Hunter hung his head. “I—”

“That kind of talk isn’t going to help her, Hunt. Don’t even think that. She made up her own mind. She was scared for ya, Hunt. She even started calling you ‘Hunt’ again.”

Hunter looked up surprised, then back down towards you. You’d stopped that since that morning on Pabu. You’d been formal with him afterward. It was either Sargeant or Hunter. 

He shifted then lifted you in his arms, bringing you back to the bed. He set you down then ran his fingers through your damp hair, worry evident in his eyes. 

“We need to get her to a hospital, Wreck. I don’t know what to do…Without Tech…I’m really scared right now.”

Wrecker placed a large, comforting hand on Hunter’s shoulder. “Then we go. We’ll get her better, Hunt. Don’t worry. I think we have a few of those fake IDs left Tech made. We’ll make something work.”

Swallowing hard, Hunter nodded.

Instead of letting go, Wrecker’s grip tightened. In one swift motion, Hunter was enveloped in a hug. If he was being honest, he didn’t mind in the least. 

Hunter sat by you in silence as the ship flew through hyperspace toward the hospital, watching your fitful sleep. Your forehead was creased in pain and your mouth turned into a pout. One hand carefully stroked your sweat soaked hair, the other intertwined with yours.

The waiting was the worst part. Not being able to do anything to help or accept, fate could only take its course and he could only stand by and watch. The worst enemies were the ones he couldn’t protect you from and he hated that. He couldn’t fight the infection with his blade, or take away your pain by shooting the cause with a blaster bolt. 

He leaned his forehead against yours and swallowed a sigh. Was this agony what you'd felt when he'd been shot? He remembered what delicate care you took of him. You'd been more than thoughtful, and tried not to show your concerns but he saw them anyway; just as he could always see you. But there was something else there that at the time he hadn't realized. And now he hoped he hadn't realized it too late. 

“You asked me before if I’d settle down like Shep asked……………and in my dreams, yes. I always wanted to, even before he asked, with you. It was you, it was always and only you.”

Silence was your response. 

 “Please, don’t leave me now. I already lost the others, I can’t lose you too.”

The steady rhythm of your heart was promise enough for him right now, he had to hold onto hope. 

“We can take it slow. Take our time. We don’t have to rush into anything but please, please stay with me and I’ll be yours for the rest of our lives. That’s my promise to you. I–I love you. Always have, always will.”

Perhaps if he’d hadn’t been so tired, he would have noticed the slight squeeze of his hand you have him. 

Hunter walked into the hospital carrying you wearing civilian clothing hoping he looked more inconspicuous than he felt. He approached the nurse at the front desk. 

“Excuse me, my wife needs help. She had an accident…”

“Chain codes.” the nurse said flatly without looking up but holding out her hand. 

Hunter fished them out and gave them to her. 

“It’s urgent, she needs to see a doctor ri–”

“Just sit down over there and the nurse will be with you shortly.”

“But she needs a doctor NOW!”

The nurse glanced up annoyed. 

“Keep that up and she’ll have to wait a full rotation, buddy.”

Hunter glared but didn’t say a word. Normally he would have fought back harder but with your life on the line, he couldn’t find it in himself to do it. So he did as he was bid, and took a seat in the waiting area. 

You blinked your eyes open with a smile. 

“Hey Handsome.” 

You reached up for his face, and he took your hand in his and gave it a quick kiss. 

“Hey,” Hunter kept his voice low, giving you a quick smile before making a quick survey of the area, “to catch you up real quick, we’re married. You’re my wife and we took you here after an accident on our farm. You’re going to be ok, ok?” 

His eyes darted across your face, looking, searching, for any indication that his words would come true. Even here and now on the brink of being saved, he felt like you’d suddenly vanish and be taken from him. 

He didn’t know what he expected from you, a nod of recognition maybe? But he didn’t get that. Instead, you chuckled. 

“Married? Already? So much for wanting to take it slow, Hunter.” 

To his surprise, a laugh burst from his lips, a smile replacing the worry for a second. He shook his head. Even now, you were trying to look out for him, making him laugh while you were the one who needed help. 

“Always looking out for me, aren’t you?” His voice was warm and full. The deepness of his voice like chocolate on your sore ears, not that he’d know that of course. All he could hope for was that you could hear the depth of love and gratitude he had in such a few words. 

You smiled, “always have, always will, I promise you that.” 

Hunter heard the nurse approach and looked up, only to be faced with a jaw dropping phenomenon. 

“How can I help you today? Wait…Hunter?”

It was Nala, your old classmate.

“Nala?” Hunter repeated, stunned. “You work here?”

“Yes…” her eyes drifted down to you. 

An unsettled feeling came over Hunter. You hadn’t been in touch with anyone since Order 66. Whose side was Nala on?

He didn’t have to wonder long when her face went white and she dropped down on one knee to be at your level. 

“What do you need? Let me assess her and see what I can do.”

Nala came running up carrying various vials and all but shoved them in Hunter’s pockets. 

“Give her this as soon as possible. It’s safer for all of you if you just take it and administer it on your ship. I got word of Imperials coming here shortly. I’ve listed instructions on how to give it to her safely. You should go before someone recognizes you and hands you over. Goodbye, and good luck. Take good care of my friend. When she gets better, tell her to give me a call!”

With that, Nala turned and left, trying her hardest not to give an impression of concern. 

Back on the ship, Hunter did as instructed. After making sure you were carefully placed in bed and made as comfortable as possible, he enlisted Wrecker’s help as soon as they’d jumped to hyperspace. Hunter knew Wrecker wasn’t going to like it, but there wasn’t another way. 

You’ll want to give this one to her first. It’ll regulate her body so she can take the following medications. It’ll help her breathe easier and adjust to what’s coming…it won’t appear so right away so don’t worry. You’re going to need to give this to her in quick succession so don’t wait to see the effects.

Hunter injected the hypo into your arm. 

This one is the IV with the antibiotics. Get her hooked up quickly and make sure the bag is drained before you take it out. 

He rubbed your arm and inserted the needle.

This one, inject into her chest near her heart. This one will hurt the most. 

This one, he couldn’t do. 

“This…is going to hurt.”

“I know.” You stared at the ceiling, trying to catch your breath and collect your courage. “It’s ok.”

Of course you knew, you were a medic. He would have cringed at his own words, but he couldn’t help it. His own fear mocked him and he wasn’t ashamed of it. Pain was pain, and nothing could make him like it or want that for you. All he could do was prepare you in any way he could. 

Your breathing was labored, huffing your breaths, greedy for air, gluttonously swallowing in as much as your lungs would let you. 

“Tell me.” You looked into his eyes, trying to focus, “tell me about it? I can’t seem to remember anything from our big day. What happened? Who was there? How did it go….How did I look?” You huffed a little laugh at the last question, “nevermind, don’t answer that.” Your laugh caused a coughing fit to follow. 

Hunter gripped you firmer as your body racked, fear unmasked in his eyes. 

Shutting your own, you tried to center yourself. 

“Crosshair probably made trouble, didn't he. He and Wreck competed to see who could eat the most cake and got sick, right?” Your voice was nothing other than a whisper, but Hunter could still pick up the dream-like tilt in your voice. The little smile as if it was a real memory, breaking across your lips. 

“Of course, would you expect anything less?”

Another chuckle turned into a gasp of air. 

Hunter kept his gaze on you as he spoke, his hand on your cheek facing him so you wouldn’t have to see what was to come. Rubbing gentle circles in your cheek and wiping away tears, he tried to speak without a shake in his voice. He didn’t know if he succeeded, but ever after that, he’d remember the images burned in his mind both, of the story he was telling and the raw reality of your pain. 

“Tech filmed the entire thing; we’ll have to rewatch it; would you believe Echo had more champagne to drink than anyone? He was so happy the entire night. He was also the only one next to Wrecker to cry.”

You smiled through gritted teeth.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You looked beautiful all dressed in white…” he stumbled over his words now as Wrecker garnished the needle, “your dress dazzled with little jewel thingies and you liked spinning in it because it reminded you of a waterfall or a butterfly’s wing. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. And when you walked toward me, I was a mess, because I knew I was the luckiest man in the world, and I couldn’t ever have imagined you more beautiful.”

You swallowed hard. 

“Omega couldn’t stop smiling or singing; and when the music at the Pabu sunsets starts and the orange sun starts setting in the sky, it hit you just right and…”

You screamed as muffled of a scream as you could, but it rang in Hunter’s head so loud it bounced around until he felt like he was going to be sick.  

“Aaand, and, when the sun set, we resaid our vows under the stars, just you and me. Always, just you and me. I’ve got you, it’s ok.”

Your eyes rolled back and all went dark.

Breathing never felt so sweet. You smiled, feeling like you could laugh and cry at the same time. The pain was gone and you felt great! Energy was surging, and life felt beautiful again. Despite the illness, you remembered everything that happened with vivid accuracy. Though your eyes were closed, your mind was very awake and registered everything in perfect memory.

Not just the pain, but the sweet moments too. Hunter taking such good care of you, his poor fear and concern, the thoughts he confessed because he thought you couldn't hear.

You felt the urge to stretch but couldn't move. Opening your eyes and looking around, the sight made your heart melt. Hunter was curled up half beside and half behind you. His body was curled in around yours, holding you as if he feared when he woke, you wouldn't be there. 

Your heart was gripped by the softness of the gesture and you didn't want it to end.

You reached your hand up, running your fingers down his face and neck. The touch was enough to wake him. He stirred, then jolted with realization.

“You're awake!!!” Tears gathered in his eyes as he cupped your face with both his hands. “You're ok.” He smiled and swallowed so hard you could hear it. You embraced him, burying your face in his neck.

“I love you.” 

You froze. You didn't expect him to actually confess to you while you were awake. Hunter sensed your hesitancy and started to pull away, but before he could move an inch, you were grabbing him toward yourself again. 

“I love you, too. So much.”

“Can…we talk? I can't wait anymore.”

“Of course.”

Hunter turned shy. He found his hands extremely interesting as he fiddled with the blanket rim. His face turned red and he tripped over his words.

“I only said what I did because besides you….I wouldn't want to marry any other woman. Who would I even marry…if it wasn't you?”

He paused briefly before continuing.

“I always felt like you deserved way better than me…I can't offer you anything but myself and that's not much of a gift.”

“Hunter! No! You—” 

He gave you a sheepish look and cut you off.

“And I'm so sorry for everything that happened, for how I hurt you. I should have gone to you sooner, I should have…”

Now it was your turn to cut him off, but instead of with words, you captured his mouth with yours in a kiss 

You felt his shock, which made you smile, and soon he joined and returned your soft show of love, holding you even closer than before.

“You scared me.” Hunter said, kisses becoming needier. 

“You scared me first!” You countered, meeting his veracity. “More than once!”

When you both stopped for breath, you settled back in his embrace. 

“Hunter, you're all I could ever need or want. The gift of yourself is more precious than anything or anyone in the galaxy, and that's more than I deserve. All I've ever wanted was the war to end so we could have a family of our own, your brothers all be near us if they're not with us while we raise Omega and children of our own.”

Hunter's face darkened. 

“I wasn't strong enough to protect you or keep this family together. I lost Omega.”

“You didn't lose her, Hunter. She made a choice. She didn't want to lose you, and neither did I. You don't control the galaxy or have some responsibility for everything that happens. It's ok to breathe, Hunt, and let go. All we can do is move onward and face the galaxy together, just like we always do.”

Hunter nodded, the shadow slowly falling from his face, replaced with something gentler. 

“And that story I told before, about you in the white dress?”

“Yeah?” You blushed sheepishly, recalling with a bubbling laugh trapped inside your chest. 

“What do you say we make that real?” Leaning closer, he whispered in your ear, “I want to see you all in white, for real. I want to be yours, only yours, forever. I want to have a family, with you and only you. My brothers can all live close by and we can all be together. We can raise Omega the way she deserves to be raised…and I can love you, the way you deserve to be loved.”

“Yes! Oh yes! My sergeant, I am yours and only yours, now and forever!”

Filled with new determination, you smiled even wider, gripped his hand and got out of bed.

“Come on, now, love, let's go get our kid. Time to bring our family home. Time to start healing and growing.”

"The Empire be warned, we're coming."

Dividers by @stars-n-spice @ve-ti-ver and @djarrex

[im-a-hoping-beetch]

Many people seem to get genuinely confused, whenever we, zutara shippers, mention how underdeveloped kataang really is. Usually, they’ll brush it off as us being delusional, bitter and you know the drill. Their main response to that, usually is: “How, could they possibly be underdeveloped, they had 3 seasons!?!”

The thing is they forget that the amount of time isn’t as important as what you do do with it. Cuz, yeah, Aang and Katara did have 3 seasons, but their relationship still managed to feel rushed as hell. Heck, even Bryke, out of all people, admitted to it. Which mostly as to do with a bunch of things that I’ll get into right now.

Let’s start with the fact that, Katara never actually shows any interest in Aang.

Now, many of y’all will probably come for me by citing how the cave of the two lovers or even the Headband have moments of her showing interest in him, but all of them end up falling flat at some point.

The cave of the two lovers:

The argument here, usually is“if she didn’t have any interest in him, why would she kiss him?” or “why would she blush at the idea of kissing him?”. The former seems to forget this is a life or death situation and that we don’t really know for sure that if there were another way to get out if this, she wouldn’t take it. For the latter, I’d like to say that blushing can have many significations such as, embarrassment. Which, here makes sense when considering what she says and overall demeanour, after suggesting to kiss.

Like yeah, a fourteen year old girl blushing bcz she’s embarrassed at the idea of having to kiss, her friend, out of all things, cuz you know… awkward. Can you imagine that (pun fully intended)???

The headband:

This one is going to be a ride, but stick with me. The arguments can range from “What about her jealousy while Aang is dancing with other girls.” to “What about the way she looks at him during the dance.”

Here, is said jealousy being shown:

And said look being done:

Now, yeah, I can absolutely see why these two exemples would be used as a way to prove her interest, but let me remind you that this is the same episode where we have this happen.

Yeah, the same episode where Katara is acting all jealous and giving flirty looks to Aang is also the same one where she pretends to be is… mother. While, I could go on about how it wasn’t the best idea on the directors or whoever was in charge of the episode part if it was their way of giving a glimpse of Katara being into Aang. The issue is, them doing so wasn’t completely farfetched either, because up until now it’s been established that Katara can be very motherly and she acts that way with almost everyone in the gaang. More specifically, the one with who she does so the most is, Aang.

I mean, even the show makes a point of poking fun at their mother-son dynamic on several occasions all throughout the show (ie. the don’t-rub-your-eyes-when-you’re-speaking scene in “The runaway” episode). So realistically, the two exemples shown way above could somewhat work, but only if you decide to completely ignore what episode they take place in, one that hasn’t really helped at stopping the mother-son dynamic allegations kataang has been getting, for years, now.

So, back to the development aspect, I think it has always been stunted from the beginning, because, fundamentally, the ship as always been designed to be Aang-centric. If you’d like more insight on that I’d recommend checking @starlight-bread-blog’s amazing post on the issue. But also, that their lackluster resolution is way much more obvious, cuz both are leads in the show. Katara's existence in the show, isn't solely there to serve as some love inerest for Aang. Shocker, but she's actually a MAIN CHARACTER in the show, meaning that we spend three seasons where we get to learn about her battles, fears and aspirations, none of which seems to involve a relationship with Aang.

Like yeah, the reason why The Ending Kiss™ feels so unsatisfactory is, simply, because, Katara doesn't like Aang (at least not like that). Katara, likes Aang, because the show said so. Now, stick with me, cuz I can already feel some of y'all ready to jump at the screen. Within the show, name a single moment where she ever comes to thinking of Aang in a romantic way. One that doesn't involve any external sources, such as someone suggesting about it or because of the given circumstances she has to. The answer is none. The only time we ever get to see her voice her ACTUAL opinion about it, this is what she says:

That's not even counting how her overall demeanor, from the body language to her choice of words seems to suggest that she's actually trying to let him down gently. Also, may I remind you that at that point THERE'S ONLY 3 FREAKING EPISODES LEFT BEFORE THE BIG KISS™ and this is where there at in their relationship. Plus, within the 3 episodes that are left WE NEVER GET TO SEE THEM TALK ABOUT IT, EVER!!!

This obviously was part of Bryke’s horrible attempt at the will-they-won’t-they trope. Which ended up playing right in their face, cuz like I mentioned they themselves had to come to glaring realization that kataang was rushed. Now, it could’ve been it, the creators realizing their obvious mistake and if they could, trying to fix it by giving us what seemed like the natural progression of their relationship, which was for it to end.

Instead, we got comics!Katara and oooh boy…

Basically, they decided that they would throw away Katara’s meticulously built characterization in order to make her existence revolve around, Aang. I kid you not, when I say that she isn’t allowed scenes, lines and actions that do not revolve around her “sweetie”.

Remember how I said that, Katara likes Aang because the show runners said so. This is an example of this cranked up to a hundred.

Essentially, when you start thinking about where these two are in terms of growth, kataang is the antithesis to development itself. On one hand it validates the regression of one (ie. the dropped chakra plot line), while simultaneously, having to strip any previously built characterization of the other (ie. comics!katara).

On that note, I’d like to remind people, how important Katara is to the story. Without her, the entirety of the gaang would be dead. Without her, there would be no story. Without her, there would be no Aang.

She deserved to have a voice within her own relationship and not for it to be stolen by two grown men who were still stuck in their childhood fantasy.

She deserved better.

[saturnsbabyboii]

🦩Astro Observations for When the Bare minimum is Your Best🦩

🦩The Neptune Sextile Pluto to me is such an interesting aspect. For one, it is an anomaly for it being cross generational yet only occur during less than 25% of a generational birth timeline. The second being that it occurs during significant periods of history (i.e. The escalation of WWII in 1942). People that have had an influence on many generations are born with this aspect.

🦩The Polarity between Fire/Air dom Scorpio vs Earth/Water dom Scorpio is unbelievable.

🦩Pluto entering Aquarius (plus being in retrograde) and Uranus in Taurus has been proving to be karmic and transformative for the Pluto Scorpio generation. Many celebrities are continued to be exposed for bad behavior (sometimes it could be down right criminal). This isn't anything new, but it has been happening to people that no one suspected or the affected have kept quiet about it or were unheard until now.

🦩 Sun Inconjunct Saturn people almost always have painful stories yet they're never told. The restrictions that Saturn brings on the Sun can suggest everything from a controlling family, chronic loneliness, expected to follow a pathology, or being forced into a life that can only be referred to as inauthentic at the least. Unlike most, these people need to learn to unbecome everything that have been placed on them by others. As a result, they usually posses the biggest sense of perseverance and persistence. With time and as they accept that they have the right to hold court and presence in life, they will start to shine. Saturn is a late boomer, so they usually reap it's fruits later in life. Love that old age radiance.

🦩The asteroid Pallas Athena (2) gives an insight to the wisdom and knowledge we carried from our past lives. It recognizes patterns, habits, cycles and thoughts. It's our trigger and reason for when we experience "Deja Vu". The sign it's in, the house it resides in, the aspects it makes tell us how and through what that wisdom and knowledge is channeled and received.

🦩People with Neptune in Mutable houses (3rd, 6th, 9th, 12th) are more susceptible to indoctrination. They're usually a part of a new age cult.

🦩When the Moon is in a positive aspect to one of either Venus or Mars but a harsh aspect to the other (For example, Moon Trine Venus but Moon Opposing Mars), the person emotional needs, romantic attraction and sexual attraction would always be at odds with one another. With a highly developed person, this is usually resolved by communicating your needs and desires (possibly being part of the BDSM or kink community). In underdeveloped individuals, this would create an unsatisfied person that is hard to please or get to know, fear of intimacy, and (my fav) being an all around incel.

🦩Scorpio in the 10th/Pluto in the 10th natives might develop a reputation as the "other woman/man/one" or could be entangled in a messy relationship publicly.

🦩Although both the Square and Opposition aspects are considered "harsh" or challenging, they represent a different kind respectively. The Square aspect is generally external in its characteristics. When it's present, the native usually deals with adversarial circumstances in relation to the placements/houses. In contrast, the Opposition aspect is internal and entail a difficulty understanding, reflecting or aligning that conflict within. For example, a square aspect between Mercury and Uranus suggests a more restrictive environment where one could be punished for speaking the truth and expressing their mind. Meanwhile, an opposition aspect between Mercury and Uranus suggest difficulty connecting and communicating with the world around.

🦩Beware of people you meet during the period between your Jupiter return and Saturn return. It's very likely they would prove to be a testament to your growth and attunement. In some cases, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a situation where you have been the other person in the past. (i.e. Getting ghosted more often if you ghosted many before)

🦩I found that in one sided relationships, in synastry one person planets are usually more aspected than the other one.

🦩Signs from each element complete each other, for when they stand alone you'll find that they desire what the others posses. For example, with Earth signs you'll find that both Virgo and Capricorn desire the stability that Taurus posses. Although they both find it through work, Virgo gets it from the stability of routine, while Capricorn get it from the financial security. The same can be said for Virgo's vigor and Capricorn's efficiency.

🦩A person with an unaspected mean Lilith (h12) tend be the least petty and vengeful person. If their other placements prove otherwise, then their pettiness would be circumstantial rather than passive and constant in nature. This is because Lilith is only activated when aspected.

Byeeeee 💕