#so like this whole time was being was being butch just my way of trying to connect to masculenity??

[faaun]

ok let's catch up quickly

[orcelito]

There's also the impulse to be like "women ain't shit" but that's a lie I love our women. Not women as a whole's fault that one of them turned out a selfish bastard of a coward.

I just need to find a woman who doesn't treat me like That. Get me a good butch. I need me a good butch.

[loriache]

Butch up that Elf: my Marcille manifesto

TBQH, this came into being because the Falin "dragoness" fanart rewired my brain completely. It's sillytimes, but we're going to make a serious argument: trying out being a little butch would Fix Her.

1. Marcille Gender Discomfort

Now, Marcille LOVES feminity. She loves playing dressup, she loves elaborate gowns, she spends her free time going to the spa - the absolute last thing I want is to deny that. However, there's also a definite vibe that this isn't just a preference. Specifically, the way that she pushes Falin towards femininity suggests that she isn't comfortable with gender nonconformity in the people around her.

If this was something she was 100% confident about ("I'm doing this for myself and nobody else!") surely what other people do wouldn't be a big deal? Of course, you can read this as a little bit of solipsism; "what works for me must work for you too! I think this is so cute and would suit you - wouldn't you agree?"

But for the sake of this argument, all I'm trying to suggest is that gender nonconformity (and probably sexual nonconformity... well, frankly, any kind of sexuality at all) is unlikely to be something that's on Marcille's "radar". She hasn't tried out other ways of presenting and decided she doesn't like them. I do think she'd be a very flamboyant butch - "ouji lolita" vibes, you know? It's a whole new set of wardrobe options she could play dress-up in, even.

After the story ends, she starts dressing like her mother in all black, which makes sense - her mother was also a court magician, so she's probably emulating her in order to project confidence and authority. But I can't say I think she should stick with this. Break away and be your own person, Marcille! Try a fancy waistcoat and frilled jacket!

2. Haircut

This is another potential hard sell, I'm sure. The people she loves doing her hair is a cute symbol of their care for her, and her hair is key to her magic - so there's plenty of reason for her to keep it long. But like... think practically. Having someone do your hair every morning, for the whole of her long life, while it gets messier over the day (because she can't remember to keep it neat)... That's got to be such a pain. My hair gets messy when I put a hoodie on. And I have short hair.

It would require her to go through a change of mind, and probably a little more growth in how secure she feels in her relationships, but - the hairdo's a symbol. The more important thing is the relationships themselves. Eventually I think there might be something liberating about cutting it off, even if she might eventually decide to grow it out again.

The lion, her trauma, took something away from her which was really important to her. The people around her are able to make that easier, and make up for it, and soften that loss, but... Mithrun isn't the person he was before, you know? He's a new person. The relationship he has with his brother is new, and I don't know if it's one that the person he was before could have had. If Falin hadn't died, they wouldn't have gone on that wonderful adventure! They wouldn't have met Senshi or saved Izutsumi and Laios and Marcille wouldn't have gotten so close. So I think it's totally congruent with the themes of the story that the burning away of this part of Marcille's self might eventually create the potential for new growth in a new direction, not clinging onto the parts that are gone.

This also isn't totally out of the norm for elven mages - both Otta and Flamela have short hair. Otta is canonically butch, and potentially Flamela reads that way to elves too, but the point is it clearly is possible to be an accomplished mage without long hair.

3. Desiring (to be) a chivalrous prince

Marcille's succubus is clearly General Halleus from her favourite book series, the Daltian Clan. The fact that this is her ideal man.... it certainly plays into readings of her as Not Straight. But at least, this conveys the way her conception of sex and romance is strongly idealised, dissociated from the bodily and from physical desire.

There are many ways to interpret that, including thinking about what types of desire this fixation is obstructing because she is not comfortable with it, but I am going to focus here on what this desire does signify. She likes the trappings of courtly romance, and is clearly comfortable putting herself in the role of the princess, being taken away on a white horse by a noble (but tormented; eyepatch has "death" on it lmao) prince. (Though I think he's actually the token male lead who isn't royalty; he's a General. There's always one in Romfan, lmao. IYKYK)

A kiss on the hand - this is so chaste, I think it's clear it's more about desire to play a role in a dynamic than it is about desire in a physical sense. There is undoubtedly a big part of Marcille that wants to be a beloved and chased-after princess, but I think it isn't at all impossible that she'd also enjoy being the powerful, cool, and chivalrous "prince" to someone (a pretty girl, perhaps) who needs her protection.

This is a little silly, because it's clearly just aping the shoujo artstyle that articulates basically the same idea as her succubus, that Marcille is attached to highly abstracted and idealised romantic (and Romantic) tropes and ideas. But the imaginary "successful" Marcille from chapter 4 looks quite similar to her succubus. (Another thing I noticed is that in the fantasy she has sharp ears... like full elves have. Despite what she says, I think the cultural messaging that this trait is "attractive" and hers are inferior got to her at least a bit. 😥)

Also, the way that she treats Falin, scolding her indulgently, trying to look after her and wanting to be looked up to and respected by her... that aligns more with the "masculine" role in the trope that her succubus is referencing. "What are we going to do with you...?" I can imagine her saying this to Falin, word for word. Whereas, if anyone real started talking down to her, even affectionately, I don't think she'd like it, given the negative way she reacts when people don't respect her or her skills. Especially after canon, given the way the Winged Lion was treating her.

Her attitude to Falin is partially down to her reluctance to acknowledge Falin as an adult, who is independent and can grow beyond her and leave her behind. But I think even as they move on from that unhealthy dynamic, Marcille is still going to get pleasure from feeling capable, reliable, able to look after and protect Falin. She'd like to pull the chair out for her in a restaurant on a date, you know?

4. Conclusion

Even after the growth she goes through during the story, there are parts of Marcille's character that are very much obstructed. Romance, sexuality, and gender, feel like one of those to me. The way that her discomfort with the messy origins of food betrayed a deeper, more significant discomfort with the cycles of life and death.

Much in the same way, I'd argue that the simplified, idealistic, and safely fantastical way that she views romance, as well as her very "safe" gender presentation and tendency to push it onto others as well, suggest an underlying discomfort in her own gender and sexuality. The character growth she goes through leaves her in a place where it may be possible to safely re-evaluate her relationship with Falin, as well as her choice of clothing and hairstyle, both things that go through a change at the end of the manga. Neither, I think, reach a sustainable stopping point that we see - there will be a point when it's more servants doing her hair than friends, just out of practicality, because they're all going to be so, so busy. The black clothing to copy her mum is cute, but once she gets some more self-confidence in her own skills as a court magician, I think she'll move on from it. And... who knows what direction her relationship with Falin will develop, over the years? I'm rooting for them, anyway.

In all those cases, I think moving outside of the things she's done before, into something really different from the things that are "safe" and expected, will be the most rewarding path for her. Like in the dungeon, things that she would initially reject were actually able to sustain her and broaden her tastes. She loves dressing up, looking after people, and "princely romance". So I say: Butch Marcille! It'll be good for her!!

[stench-core]

I find it a bit strange how it's okay and normal to say trans men have 'afab privilege' but if you say trans women have 'amab privilege', that's bad and wrong and incorrect and also maybe you should kill yourself. strange stuff

somehow trans men were 'socialised female' and therefore can 'get away with being women' but trans women were not 'socialised male' and can't 'get away with being men' cos there's something inherently feminine, inherently queer about them.

though, i spent my whole life being called gay, getting asked if i was a butch lesbian, getting asked if i was a tranny, cos i wore pants [girls!] instead of skirts, cos i wore shirts [girls!] instead of blouses, cos i wouldn't wear dresses and would prefer [girls!] formal wear that weren't dresses, cos i liked bionicle instead of dolls, cos i played video games, cos i swore, cos i liked heavier music, cos my favourite colour wasn't pink, cos i wore caps. i would not say i fit into girlhood at all, actually.

but this masculinity was inherent to me, it still is, i couldn't and can not change it (despite trying, very hard, to my detriment) so i ALWAYS stuck out as being 'too masculine' for other girls. and then i come into queer spaces and i'm 'too masculine' for other queer people - but that's besides the point, currently.

so, currently, when i see people say 'trans women aren't "socialised male," that's not real, they always stick out as "other"' and then turn around and say 'trans men have afab privilege, they can be women to get away with things, they fit into girlhood so well' I can't help but become incredibly fucking frustrated. this is not true and actually it's something we have in common! neither of us were socialised 'correctly' cos we're both trans and raised amongst peers who were not trans!

everything from masculine girls to trans men do not fit into 'girlhood' cos masculinity is not what girlhood is meant to be. this shouldn't be hard to grasp. this is why the 'socialised' concept is bullshit cos it's founded on whatever was forced upon you as a kid and if you don't fit that standard you will not be socialised that way due to, in large part, being fucking ostracised from everyone else. and that doesn't mean there won't be things to unlearn, i know very many trans men who were very feminine for a long time and the opposite for trans women, but someone who clearly cannot fit what's being pushed onto them is going to come off as 'strange' and 'uncanny' to the people who can fit into what's pushed onto them.

but the way people talk about this really highlights to me that yous don't want to consider us trans in the first place - transness is for trans women and not for trans men, socialisation concepts are fake when it comes to trans women but real when it comes to trans men cos they're not really trans, 'amab privilege' would get you branded a TERF or radfem saying it to a trans woman but it's fine to say trans men, trans men have 'afab privilege' cos we're not trans, we're just women. you know until we get a little too rowdy and then we're not trans, we're just men.

maybe i'm just jaded and bitter. idk

[cowboy-heart]

'interview with a butch' - a fake interview reflecting on butch-femme dynamics! inspired by the amazing piece by @llovely, which you can read here :)

(ID below read more)

[an original, interview-style poem called 'interview with a butch':

when did you know you were butch? I knew by the time I was sixteen, but that’s only when I found the word. I’ve been butch since the day I was born, at least since I was just a few months old and threw an earth-shattering tantrum whenever my mum tried to put me in a dress. (both laugh) your poor mum!

I remember being a little butch knight, chivalrous even before I was double digits. my best friend only lived up the road from school, but her parents were running late and she was scared to do it herself. so I walked her up the hill, her arm linked in mine, pride balancing on my chest. and when I got her to her door, I said that we should kiss like adults do when they say goodbye, and we took it in turns to kiss each other on each cheek. when I walked home I felt something the size of a boulder in my stomach, but I didn’t know what it meant yet, just that there was something about myself that set me apart.

how did you feel with your first femme? oh, man, even for a writer that’s hard to find the words for. (laugh) let’s put it this way: before I had my first femme, I always felt like something was missing in my relationships – not just in the relationship itself, but in me. I felt broken and wrong, unsatisfied and selfish. I thought that maybe I just had too high expectations or something. hell, even with sex I felt like something was missing, like I couldn’t find my own desire.

But then, then I had my first femme. How graphic can I be here? (laugh) as graphic as you want! okay, good!

watching my stomach hang over my harness, long nails in my hips, I felt like I had a second sexual awakening. I felt the most present in my body I’d ever been, and like I could be in them forever. I didn’t feel dissatisfied, or wrong. when their hand held mine and played with my fingers I felt lightning shoot through me. it was like realising I was a lesbian all over again. but even outside of romance, femmes are my friends, my family, my community. talking to femmes, being around femmes, I’ve never felt so seen and loved. I can handle every sharp look, every slur thrown my way, just because my armour was polished by femmes.

do you find your roles restrictive? they’re liberating. I think sometimes people see me and think that I had to fit into this constrictive box, that I disallowed myself to enjoy anything feminine. the reality is that for butches, we find the word we’ve been searching for our whole lives. I can’t even remember finding the word, isn’t that crazy? it felt second nature. it somehow perfectly described everything I’d ever felt, exposed me to a community of people who were just like me outside of my Tory town! (pause)

I think there’s a tendency even in leftist, LGBT spaces to think that masculinity is oppressive, and femininity is liberating and oppressed. but it’s really not like that. we’re punished for deviating from our assigned gender, whether you’re a masculine woman, or a feminine man, or something in between the two. I’ve had gay men try to convince me to let them do my makeup, I’ve had gay women tell me that they’re “so glad” I don’t have ‘toxic masculinity’ like “other butches”. femininity was a cage for me, something I had to imitate to survive the perils of high school, but it was never me. masculinity liberated me, and it’s not inherently toxic. I love to carry the bags, hold open the doors, cry in pride, protect those I love. and there’s nothing like coming home at the end of the day to a sweet femme, ready to rub my tired muscles. man, I’m not good at concise answers, am I? (both laugh) no, but I love it!

what do you think of people who see your relationship as heteronormative? they’re twats! (both laugh) now, that’s a concise answer! no, no that’s not fair. here’s what I’d say to them:

I see it as…a complex gender performance. no, that makes it sound like it’s play pretend. they’re complex gender…expressions, dynamics, play, desire, euphoria. a butch and a femme together is no more heterosexual than a bear and a twink, a top and a bottom. it’s a dance that we know in our bones, like we knew each other in a previous lifetime and we’re just falling back into our favoured rhythm. even every fumble and awkward gesture is a part of it. we fall into sync and into each other, we tenderise each other’s gender, affirm it, and love every minute of it. we’re not two sides of the same coin, you talk to any butch-femme couple and chances are our priori (edit: interviewee meant propositions) are the same but our conclusions are not; we’re the same side of the same coin, just one is the top of the tail and the other is the bottom of it. is that a euphemism? (laugh) take it as you will!

I’m no man, my femme is no woman, and I’m no less butch when I’m wearing a kiss-the-cook apron and cleaning their kitchen, and they’re no less femme when they’re putting together a shelf or driving me to work. To look at us and see a heteronormative imitation of cisgender predetermination is proof of their own lack of nuance – do you think all dogs are boys and all cats are girls, too? (both laugh)

I think in a lot of ways, butch-femme dynamics are inherently transsexual. or, in the very least, good friends of transgenderism. If you can’t see us for what we are then chances are you’ve got your own internalised gender biases to unlearn.

I’ve always been butch to my bones, but when I’m with my baby I’m on cloud nine. I feel desired, my gender revered and loved.

so, what you’re saying is, you feel seen? I do. we see each other and nurture each other. I’ve never really liked being called ‘beautiful’, but when it falls from the lips of a femme, I know that they’re not seeing me as feminine. I feel most comfortable to explore the depths of both my femininity and masculinity with them; I don’t feel restricted to a role.

maybe that’s what people are missing about it: our homes are temples of gender exploration and devotion.

end ID].

[ramshacklefey]

Something I've been trying to articulate to myself for a while here, but I wish there were more discussion about the particular experiences of trans men who are attracted to men. Especially the way that it relates to our experiences before coming out and during transition.

A lot of the conversations I see online and in academia focus on the experiences and overlap between trans men and butch lesbians, which is just not a narrative that resonates with me. There has been no point in my life at which I identified as a lesbian, or even as particularly attracted to women in general (something something sexuality is complicated). And it is only recently that I've really been able to let myself jive with being a butch man.

So, what did that experience look like for me?

It looked like trying desperately to perform the right kind of femininity so that straight guys would be attracted to me. Admittedly, it was a "not like other girls" sort of femininity, but I suspect a lot of trans guys and straight women will understand me when I say that this particular kind of femininity is still... very constricting. You gotta be "tough" of course, and have the right sorts of interests, and not care too much about your looks, but at the end of the day still be pretty, not too loud, and pretty willing to give ground for straight men to feel cool. You absolutely cannot be butch, because butch is for lesbians, and you want to be attractive to men.

And then I came out, and now I was a man, so I was free of all of that, right? Right?

Well, turns out there's a whole lot to unpack and unlearn there, and doing that takes a long time. For the first several years of my transition, I was still stuck in this mindset of needing to adhere to all the same constraints I had been under before. The guy I was dating at the time didn't help with this, and I almost said that's another story, but it isn't. The fact that I was willing to keep dating a guy who wanted me to stay pretty and feminine, who told me that body hair was gross, and who in a thousand other little ways made it very clear that I would only stay lovable if I stayed feminine... the fact that I was ok with that, it says a lot about where my mind was at.

I'm sure that a lot of lesbians can relate to some of this, and yet. Becoming who I am, genuinely relaxing into myself and unfolding in the way that I needed to, that process was undeniably and indelibly marked by my experiences as someone who has always been attracted to and wanted to attract men.

[cardentist]

Fam how can one be trans in the direction of their assigned sex? I'm not even trying to make the idea sound ridiculous or anything. I'm genuinely curious and want to understand. I thought the whole meaning of trans was that you feel or act in the opposite direction of your assigned sex; if you're transfem but you're afab then to me that's just cisgender??? But like please explain to me how that's not the case if that's what you and others strongly feel so I may grow my compassion

Context: [Link]

well ! while I personally am not intersex, I DO want to highlight intersex people first and foremost.

gender and sex are very Very complex, and I think generally people don't consider the way that being intersex can play a big role in that!

there are intersex people who are afab who are also trans women, there are intersex people who are amab who are trans men, there are intersex people with many Many different relationships with sex and gender and anywhere in between !

an afab person can be born with masculine sex characteristics and transition the way trans women often do. that person May identify as trans, they may not ! that trans person may not even consider themselves a woman depending on who they are and what they want !

I Do think there needs to be an effort to be aware of and make space for intersex people within the trans community, and really the wider queer community as a whole. as it's often something that's given a footnote without deeper thought into the ways that intersex people Actually interact with our communities.

which I don't blame people for not already knowing ! that's the whole point of trying to educate people in the first place ^^

.

and as for Myself

labels are, ultimately, a form of gender presentation. what you call yourself is an extension of not only how you see yourself, but how Other People perceive you.

I could call myself nonbinary or I could call myself trans masc, and both would be Accurate. but people have certain traits and expectations and associations when they see those labels. there are assumptions made about the kind of life that I live, the things that I want, the things I might experience, that change depending on which labels that I use.

and that's not Inherently a bad thing ! I mean, that's part of why people Like labels. but it Can be a struggle for people whose gender is Funny.

I could Also describe myself as genderqueer or multi-gender or genderfluid or gnc or-. I've tried on lots and lots of labels, and for the most part I haven't thrown any of them out, I just keep them in a box under my bed and take them out when relevant.

I've been wrestling with the feminine aspect of my identity for a very Very long time. I've been aware that I'm some level of trans masc. that part was easy. I want a deeper voice, I want things about my body to change, I don't want people to look at me and see a cis woman.

but I Also like femininity. I've found that after accepting myself as trans masc and slowly growing an environment where I am Perceived as masculine, I've started getting euphoria at presenting femininely in the Same way that I did (and do!) get about presenting masculinely.

but that feeling doesn't carry over when I'm perceived as a cis woman. it's Quite Uncomfortable for obvious gender reasons.

and while I may not know the exact Words that I'd use to describe it (as I've said, I've been chewing on it for Many years now), I've gotten a clearer idea of how I Feel.

I want to be Visibly trans. I want to be perceived masculinely And femininely. I want to transition masculinely to present femininely (and sometimes butch, sometimes like your dad at the ace hardware store, I contain multitudes).

and of course, figuring out what I have going on has involve a lot of exploration ! it's the same way I figured out the whole trans masc thing in the first place. seeking out other trans people and other Things About trans people feeling things out.

I find ! that I have a lot of shared experiences with transfeminine people. both in how I feel about certain things, some of the presentation that I want, and in how people would React To said presentation.

my femininity Is Trans, I don't relate to cis womanhood. but I Do relate to trans femininity. which is really awkward for me, because it's difficult to describe it to other people fjksldljkasfdjklfasd

(I don't personally consider myself a trans woman mind, but I'm certain there Are people who are trans men and trans women at the same time. gender is complicated, sex is complicated. labels are malleable and sometimes situational)

Could I describe myself with a different label? probably ! I've got lots of them. but when I Don't put emphasis on this aspect of myself people assume that it's not there. insist that it Couldn't be there, and I don't know what I'm talking about. and those people who Would act nasty towards me probably aren't gonna change their mind just because I changed my bio. but it feels Nice to assert that aspect of myself when other people are trying to tear it down.

.

part of me feels like I should post the intersex portion of this by itself, because people tend to engage more with shorter posts and there's nothing Short about my gender situation ljkfdasjkls

but ! I dunno, if this makes even one person understand the gray areas of gender and presentation a little more it'll be worth it.

thank you for taking the time to ask ! and especially for doing so kindly ! I do hope you'll see this

[youremyheaven]

Jupiter's Boundlessness: The Union of Good & Evil

Something I have noticed for a long time is how Jupiter natives often play multiple roles within a single project. Be it movies or music videos, I often see them channelling the boundlessness of Jupiter by literally embodying several characters. As Claire Nakti explored in her Jupiter makeover video, duality and transformation are huge themes in the lives of Jupiter natives. This duality is not just a light vs dark one but also a masculine versus feminine one. Jupiter women especially being internally masculine often channel this in different ways. But beyond the "duality" is the "multiplicity", because of their vast, internal spaciousness they feel as though they are many many different people with many different interests and abilities. This is why Jupiter natives are kind and generous because their vastness allows them to literally put themselves in the shoes of others but it can also feel very confusing and tiring. You stretch yourself that wide, you might snap, feel empty and burnt out because you feel so chained by being a very limited narrow definition of "you".

Mariah Carey, Punarvasu Moon

She plays both herself and her obsessive stalker (based on Eminem) in her MV for Obsessed

She fights the evil brunette version of herself in her MV for Heartbreaker

She also has an alter ego named Bianca who is the opposite of her and even speaks with a British accent lmao

Here is a clip of Mariah being interviewed by her alter ego Bianca

In fact, I'd say that having an alter ego is in itself kind of a Jupiterean experience since these natives embody duality or feel like they contain so many contradictory energies or that they're "opposites".

Miley Cyrus, Vishaka Moon plays Miley and Hannah on Hannah Montana, a whole show that revolves around a girl trying to manage her alter ego.

Dua Lipa, Punarvasu Moon battles with her other self in her MV for IDGAF

Troye Sivan, Punarvasu Rising plays a female version of himself in the MV for his song One of Your Girls

Ruby Rose, Punarvasu Moon, Swati Rising captures her transformation from a traditional feminine woman to her more butch androgynous self in Break Free

Destiny's Child's mv for Lose My Breath features the trio battling their alter egos. Beyonce- Vishaka Moon, Michelle- Punarvasu Moon and Kelly- Swati Rising

I'm including Swati placements as well because I think Swati also closely embodies this Jupiterean boundlessness or multiplicity

Beyonce, Vishaka Moon also has an alter ego named Sasha Fierce and like many Jupiter women who talk about wanting to be a man/embrace their masculinity/channel this in some way, she has a song called "If I Were A Boy"

Avril Lavigne, Swati Moon played multiple versions of herself in the MV for her song Girlfriend

Halsey, Punarvasu Moon and Swati stellium has such a wide ranging style, all their looks are completely unlike each other. I associate it with the chaos of Rahu more than Punarvasu but I do think the Jupiter influence also adds to it. They've also talked a lot about not identifying with gender/struggling with it and even has a song titled "I'm not a woman, I'm a god".

The Weeknd, Vishaka Moon, Punarvasu Rising

"The Weeknd" is the alter ego of Abel Tesfaye and he has talked about "killing his alter ego" many times

In this MV we see him battling his alter ego.

I think it's important to note that Jupiter natives are always battling their other half/shadow in all these examples. One is good and the other is bad. It points to the nature of Jupiter where all contradictions exist. Being that vast and expansive can mean being generous, compassionate etc but it can also mean feeling empty and vacuous. The extremes of anything is a meeting point for its opposite. Jupiter is abundance but its also the storehouse of karma. Do you notice how some people just have lives that are full of sooo many crazy experiences, both good and bad? Some people just don't have much going on and others always seem to be handled the short end of the stick. The bigger the planet, the bigger the shadow. The bigger the blessings, the bigger the burdens.

Suga's (Purvabhadrapada Sun) MV for Daechwita sees him play both king and peasant and both of them battle each other.

He also has multiple alter egos (SUGA & Agust D)

Here is a translation of some of the lyrics from the song:

"I got everything I wanted.  What else can I have to be satisfied?

The things I wanted were clothes clothes, then money money, then goal goal, what’s after this?

What’s after this?  Feeling a strong feeling of reality check, a situation where there’s nothing higher. 

I had only looked up, now I just wanna look down and gently land."

Finding success meaningless is a VERY Jupiter experience. Abel sings about it a lot as well. Others work on accumulating things and its hard for them to imagine the kind of boundlessness of Jupiter, both in terms of latent potential but also in terms of the scale and expanse of what these natives achieve. If you had it all, would you find it empty and meaningless? I think a lot of Jupiter natives hold themselves back because of this, because they know the journey is more fun than the destination, that actually achieving your goals can be hella scary.

P!nk, Mars in Punarvasu atmakaraka battles herself in the MV for Don't Let Me Get Me

The lyrics go like:

"I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah"

"So doctor, doctor, won't you please prescribe me something?

A day in the life of someone else"

The Jupiterean urge to be many people/somebody else is so revealing of their nature. They're always at odds with each other. Masculine & Feminine. Light & Shadow. Plus the boundlessness and abundance of Jupiter making you feel like you've transcended humanity and are akin to God (sooo many Jupitereans, esp men have a God complex its not even funny lol)

Its no wonder that so many Jupiter women often suffer from bipolar disorder. Bipolarity meaning swinging between extremes. This is literally the nature of Jupiter. Its a hard energy to balance.

(Mariah Carey & Halsey- Punarvasu Moon both have bipolar disorder, Kanye West- Purvabhadrapada Moon also has bipolar disorder Chyler Leigh- Vishaka Moon, Mel Gibson- Punarvasu Rising are all celebs who have admitted to suffering from bipolar disorder)

I am not a medical professional and neither am I going to assign mental disorders to different nakshatras BUT when I say imbalanced Jupiter energy manifests as bipolarity, I am pointing to the nature of Jupiter which makes its natives swing between extremes. Its a struggle to manage this and navigate this, no doubt.

Lisa Kudrow, Punarvasu Rising who played Phoebe and her evil twin Ursula

What's Your Rashee? is a 2009 Bollywood movie starring Priyanka Chopra, Punarvasu Sun who plays 12 different characters each representing a different rashi or zodiac sign

Kamal Hassan, Purvabhadrapada Moon played 10 different characters in the movie Dhashavataram (referencing the ten different avatars of Vishnu). He played the bad guy, the good guy and all the other guys.

This again points to not just the duality but also the multiplicity of Jupiter and literally being many different people.

Katy Perry, Vishaka Moon plays many different characters in her MV for Birthday

Vikram, Purvabhadrapada Moon plays 4+ different characters in the movie "I"

David Bowie, Jupiter in Vishaka atmakaraka, Shatabhisha Rising

Bowie had sooo many alter egos/personas, morphing from the flame-haired Aladdin Sane — a spin on “A Lad Insane” — to the clean-cut Thin White Duke with the greatest of ease. But his most famous alter ego was the androgynous alien rock star Ziggy Stardust who transported us to a glam galaxy far, far away in 1972 and 1973.

Lady Gaga, Swati Moon

"Lady Gaga" is in itself an alter ego as is being Mother Monster but she also has a male alter ego named Jo Calderone. She became Jo Calderone for her “You and I” video in 2011. The singer even went to the MTV VMAs that same year as Jo, walking the red carpet, opening the show, performing and sitting in the audience as the character.

The 1991 movie Dead Again stars Emma Thompson, Punarvasu Moon and Kenneth Branagh, Mars in Punarvasu 1h as two people who have double lives/past lives, the plot in itself is super Punarvasu coded with the same people playing multiple characters across multiple timelines (Punarvasu's deity is the personification of space and time)

Lily Tomlin, Punarvasu Rising plays 3 different characters in the movie The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Tatiana Maslany, Punarvasu Rising played many many different characters on the show Orphan Black.

The series focuses on Sarah Manning, one of several genetically identical human clones, and later on some of the other clones. The series raises issues about the moral and ethical implications of human cloning and its effect on identity. I had previously observed in an old post about how Punarvasu & Swati are connected to cloning and this is yet another example of the boundlessness of these energies.

Tom Cavanagh, Swati Sun, Venus in Vishaka atmakaraka played 15 different versions of his character in The Flash

Rachel Weisz, Purvabhadrapada Moon played both Evelyn and Princess Nefertiti in The Mummy Returns

Hugo Weaving, Punarvasu Moon, Purvabhadrapada Stellium (mercury, venus and ketu) played 6 different characters in Cloud Atlas

In Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Alex Winter, Punarvasu Sun & Keanu Reeves, Punarvasu Moon play their evil versions.

The plot itself is very Punarvasu coded with Bill & Ted, two metalhead slacker friends who travel through time and beyond while trying to fulfil their destiny to establish a utopian society in the universe with their music.

Deepika Padukone, Swati Moon and Shahrukh Khan, Swati Sun played double roles as lovers who are reincarnated in a different time.

Jupiter is the guru or teacher. To be many things is what Jupiter teaches. It is kind of like being God and if one were to raise philosophical questions, you'd have to ask why did God create both good and evil? Why did he create joy and misery? There is no other answer except that one cannot exist without the other. Jupiter embodies this.

I hope this post shed some light on one manifestation of the boundlessness of Jupiter<33

xx

[officialspec]

What do you think gay men are attracted to in men that they can’t be attracted to in women?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives men-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait men have that women can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

- [ ]

first off i hate this ask and i think youre a freak. in any other world i wouldve blocked you for this but unfortunately for both of us i actually like this type of philosophy. dont send this shit to anyone else though

i dont think its right to compare human sexuality to the same thing in animals, to get that out of the way. im sure until a certain point it comes from the same biological impulses, but human beings have way more complicated social structures and reasons for coupling that just do not exist in other animals. our social behaviours are what make us unique in the animal kingdom and that definitely extends to gender and sexuality. so theres that

people love to tout 'gender is a social construct' around like its a criticism in and of itself, which i think betrays a misunderstanding about social constructs in general. theyre the foundations we build language on to better understand each other, and affected by a whole host of cultural and historical factors. just because theyre subjective and complicated doesnt mean they arent real. in terms of the effect they have on peoples lives they may be the most real thing that exists

for example, 'kindness' is a social construct. the definition and ways it is enacted differ greatly across personal and cultural lines. but no one would ever suggest a world where kindness doesnt exist or loses meaning, because its an essential part of the way we interact with each other (in the same way i dont really see a world where gender entirely ceases to exist, mainly just one where people have more fun with it. im not a psychic though so who knows)

similarly, sexuality in humans is another social construct. i think the driving biological forces behind it are very real, but the labels people attach to those impulses are subjective attempts to express their inner world to the people around them if that makes sense. and those same biological impulses are ALSO subject to social ideas of gender, because those ideas are established at birth and reinforced over a persons entire lifetime

to use myself as an example, im a gay trans man. ive identified as other things in the past, because i was trying to pick apart feelings i had and express them to others in an attempt to find community. my identity might change as i get older and experience new things, or it might not. i identify as gay because im not attracted to the social concept of women, and someone i would otherwise be attracted to might lose all appeal after i find out they fall under that concept (this has happened before w transfems pre and post coming out lol)

of course, the real REAL answer to this is that trying to give queer identities rigid and objective definitions is a fools errand, and also lame as fuck. someone might identify as gay and be more attracted to general masculinity than men as a social category, maybe they fool around with a couple of butch women without considering themself any less gay. two otherwise identical people might be a butch lesbian and a gay trans man without either of those identities coming into conflict. they might even be the same person at different times of the week

the labels people choose to use are communication tools, not objective signifiers. if you dont understand them, they probably arent talking to you

social constructs are everything. we as humans have the unique ability to interpret our own messy desires and impulses into words that other people can use to form an idea of someone else in their mind. its how we build connections, and of course it isnt perfect because trying to squeeze someones entire personal history and the centuries of context that defined it into a handful of syllables is going to leave some room for error. but its all we have, yknow? so we keep trying. and i think thats much more human than any imposed objective 'truth' could ever be

tldr we live in a society dipshit. get with it

[chapst1ckmcdyke]

So ive had this saved in my drafts for a while now- but theres a point id like to make about butch/femme identity and expression and think this is ready despite the crap i might catch for it

On my days off and when i go out for fun, lots of times i look like this vvv

And other times, especially because im a blue collar dyke, i look like this vvv

The thing that both these photos have in common is that, regardless of how i may appear, i am a femme lesbian. I am not magically butch at work just because i have to wear jeans and work boots for safety. On the clock I am often mistaken for a man and harassed for using the women’s bathroom, people call me sir and damn near keel over trying to correct themselves. I understand that people will look at me as masculine because im in a mans trade.

And yet im still a femme!

You know why? Because being femme is not about how i dress or how long my hair is or the job i work or the body im in, but who i am, how i love, and how i want to be loved back. Its my reclamation of my gender and sexuality and romantic life.

Theres this idea that femme lesbians are “the girl” lesbians and butches are “the boy” lesbians. Femmes are stereotyped as straight passing hyper feminine (and often times cis) girls. But if youve ever met a femme thats not always (in my experience- USUALLY) the case. We often are nonbinary (hi! Also me!) and/or gender nonconforming even in our femininity- taking the things that cishet society hates the most in women (ie body hair/body fat/masculine jobs/deep booming voices- etc) and owning those characteristics in ways that make us feel free and most like femmes 💕

I personally feel most comfortable being feminine off the clock and covering myself in glitter and being a tacky fat furry muppet because its how i feel best recognized by the butches i adore so much! But i get to reclaim womanhood or whatever adjacent, gender-fucked, lesbiany, thing ive got going on, and that doesn’t change when i wear jeans and work boots.

Femmes get to be whatever the hell we want- being broad shouldered and deep voiced and fat and furry and in a trade are not traits that magically make me incapable of being femme- and im over this whole ordeal where y’all assign butches and femmes as either “the boy” or “the girl” of the relationship and expect us to be exclusively feminine or masculine and never cross or mix- just recreating useless gender roles that we have zero reason to uphold.

(And this goes the absolute same for butches/studs who express feminine traits and DOUBLE for trans butches/studs/femmes)

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

Another week with lots of Japanese QL content! The first three are on Gaga, and I highly recommend jumping into the weekly watch!

Takara's Treasure

I'm very interested in what this show is doing. This week, we got a subplot about an actual creep to put Taishin's zealous interest in Takara into perspective, and we also got some explicit discussion of same sex attraction. Taishin continues to display extraordinary levels of naiveté, but for me this tracks because he is written as the kind of person who has been extraordinarily sheltered, perhaps by choice. It's not just that he's from the country, it's that he's the kind of kid who only wanted to talk to his pet bird and didn't seem to notice other humans until he was in his lowest moment of grief and a kind and beautiful boy helped him. It's not hard to believe that a kid like that would never have been in a group chat or contemplated whether he can like girls or boys. This is the story of Taishin coming out of his shell explicitly because he was drawn out by Takara, and I am curious to see where it's headed with its themes.

I Hear the Sunspot

A downbeat episode this week as the semester ends, the boys stop having an excuse to see each other regularly, Taichi tries to hide his encounter with Miho, and Kohei's hearing loss gets worse. The way these two kept missing and misunderstanding each other in this episode was painful. I am sitting with the way Taichi pulled back from their friendship following his encounter with Miho, and wondering how much of that is due to confusion over his own feelings of intense anger and protectiveness. In that scene under the bridge, it didn't just feel like he didn't get that Kohei's confession was serious, it felt like he wasn't listening to him. Taichi kept looking down and away the whole time Kohei was talking, and then when Kohei asked him a direct question, he refused to answer. I get that he wants to protect Kohei (though honestly, refusing to explain himself is far more hurtful to Kohei than telling him about a girl he barely knows being ableist), but it felt like more than that. Taichi was putting up a wall around himself. This episode was more in Kohei's perspective, so I am hoping we will get a bit more inside Taichi's head next week.

Ayaka is in Love with Hiroko

This week was not as zany but it was an important transition episode for Hiroko, as she finally seems to realize that Ayaka is serious about liking her, though she still hasn't figured out what to do with that. One of my favorite things about this show is how horny these two are for each other; it's very fun to watch Ayaka try all her best moves while Hiroko fights it every step of the way. I liked the business trip and the chance to meet some new characters (including a butch chairperson!). This show feels very specifically rooted in a lesbian experience and always finds ways to bring those touch points in.

Bonus: Ossan no pantsu ga nandatte ii janai ka

All 11 episodes of this excellent show are now available on @isaksbestpillow's blog! Unfortunately I am not able to watch today, but I will be posting my final thoughts on this awesome show as soon as I get the chance. It's one of my favorite dramas of the year.

Tagging @bengiyo to add a manga update

[genderqueerdykes]

im seeing you post about transmasc lesbians and thinking now about that post i saw that was like "its kinda weird that top surgery scars are the trans lesbian stereotype and not any stereotypical transfem features" and like. yeah i do think there should be more mainstream transfem lesbians but also why do we gotta take the piss out of transmascs about it

agreed, they're two separate conversations that can be had at the same time

as someone who is a transfeminine dyke and has had a lot of transfem lesbian friends and partners, a lot of lesbian stereotypes that come to my mind are that of what you mentioned with transmascs, plus things such as femmes with flat chests wearing low cut shirts, breasforms, transfem butches binding after growing boobs from HRT, femmes with defined jawlines and deep voices, excitement from growing boobs, femmes with looooooong hair covering almost all the face, never transition transfem dykes, transfeminine butches who have proudly been telling people they were dykes as long as they can remember, dykes especially femmes with visible crotch bulge, there's a lot of transfeminine 'stereotypes' and things to lesbianism but there's no reason like you said to take the piss out of transmasculinity to point out lots of people just do not have experience with transfeminine lesbianism

a lot of people don't and it's fine and they shouldn't act like they do. i lived in a punk house for a few months and met a lot of transfem lesbians there got close to many. once you get exposed to transfem lesbians you become aware of "stereotypes" that are present in the community. it's 2 separate conversations when we we talk about stereotypes from more transfeminine and more transmasculine spaces in the community. they are lesbian experiences, but it is 2 separate conversations that can be held at the same exact time

part of the reason top surgery scars are so well represented in lesbianism is because afab bodies are treated like the norm, but also because a lot of lesbians struggle with gender and especially when that comes to the societal expectations placed on people with breasts. a lot of lesbians want to discuss their experiences with this and it's important. lesbians have rich and deep history of being gender variant people and it's important to let people celebrate top surgery scars. that's a separate conversation, however, it is closely linked to something else.

everyone on every side rejects transfemininity as belonging in lesbianism. everyone silently agrees afab bodies are the norm for lesbianism, so they shun any and all transfeminine experiences and prevent them from appearing in lesbian history. nobody wants to be the one to start romanticizing transfeminine features in the community for fear of backlash or getting silenced or mocked or talked over. we've made it nigh impossible to have the conversation about transfem lesbians, so people begin to fight with each other instead of recognizing that transfem and transmasc have very complex relationships with lesbianism and it's not right to try to silence one for the other

we have struggles that are common in a lot of ways. if we begin embracing what transfeminine lesbianism looks like, we can begin to have a more complete understanding of what the whole lesbian experience is. without putting transmascs down or trying to talk over transmasculine lesbians. we can talk about transfem and transmasc lesbians needing support at the same time. it's important that we do. we need to talk about how transmasc and transfem lesbians are here and that we need help in being accepted as part of the community

it's just wrong to throw any other queer person of the same group under the bus for the sake of trying to have a separate but very similar conversation. im with you. i hope we see less of this down the road. these are 2 very important conversations that we really need to have simultaneously. together at once.

[velvetvexations]

My early socialization experience was weird as hell.

My mother wanted a daughter to treat like a doll with all the extremely gendered nonsense that entails - and was also a second wave radfem and former political lesbian, which...yeah she was half all in on the gendered shit, but also half in weird denial about it. My dad...is the one I got my auDHD from, and the result was that he raised me exactly the same way his parents raised him - which was also very gendered, but he didn't notice that. He didn't notice how differently they treated him and his sister. He just noticed what they did right by him and what he wanted to repeat. He taught me how to use tools and rebuild car engines and be handy and outdoorsy; while my mother was giving me the whole "oh sweetie don't get your dress dirty (: oh yes you should be a #girlboss in STEM but fixing a chair is too dangerous for you to do alone why don't you get your dad to help (: are you suuuuure you can lift that 8-pound object???" thing, my dad was teaching me how to operate a forklift and training me with good lifting technique and encouraging me to haul shit twice my size and letting me learn the kinds of lessons that can only be learned by minor injury. Damned near the only thing he WASN'T doing was the whole "man up" schtick, but even THAT I kinda got a detoxified version of; there was a lot of value placed on keeping my complaints in perspective, building my emotional regulation to the...best of my limited ability, and trying to solve problems independently - again, his WHOLE thing was pretty much just "what would I repeat from what my parents did to me? What would I change?" With absolutely no regard paid to "what was different for my sister? What would have been different if I'd been a girl?" Because he straight up didn't notice that shit.

As a result I fundamentally don't care that he can't quite get gendered terms right for me, because whatever, he's always treated me like just a she/her boy anyway.

Meanwhile, like I said, my mother considered herself a feminist, full on tried to force herself to be a lesbian about it in her 20s, and yet she STILL constantly underestimated my physical strength, treated my appearance like it was the most important thing about me, and kept pushing me to sit down and "be polite" - but she usually didn't SAY these things had anything to do with me being a girl, and in many cases probably didn't even realize they were herself. "Girls can do anything boys can do - but also if you fight back against your [also prepubescent, but male] bullies They Will Kill You To Death They Are Stronger You Cannot Win" was a sentiment I got (in much less clear terms) ALL THE TIME from her through elementary school. She was obsessed with my appearance, in that distinct radfemmy "well sure butches are cool but uh by butch you still mean skinny in form-fitting clothes with a pixie cut, right?" kind of way. She would never say I should dress "more ladylike" and would get angry at family members who WOULD say that out loud - she even introduced me to the concept that crossdressing is fine (sometimes) and that trans men exist (in which she made it clear she thought of us as just weird butch women) - but she would get really, really weird and cruel if I wore jeans she considered "unflattering".

And that's just the thing, about why all flavors of radfems are wrong about how "socialization" does and doesn't impact people! She never tied gender to a good half or so of those messages, so even after I started transitioning, they still felt like they were always aimed at me. Meanwhile, I got the same kind of auDHD from my dad that made him never see the gender of his own upbringing, only "things my parents did that I would repeat vs. things they did that I would not" - I only realized just HOW aggressively gendered my mother's behavior was by studying sociology years later.

Terfs are wrong that early socialization is destiny, everyone responds to the same messages the same way, and GNC "men" are treated wonderfully.

T[i]rfs are wrong that we all ONLY ever internalize messages aimed at our ACTUAL genders and trans men can just shake off misogyny because it's not REALLY aimed at us, regardless of whether that claim stays in the realm of "because WE know deep down that something is off when we're being called the wrong thing" or gets all the way into the batshit belief that everyone has ESP for people's essential soul gender and GNC men ARE treated just fine and it's ONLY eggmode trans women who get mistreated (and they all do regardless of how well they do or don't perform masculinity) and trans men are all totally raised as men and never treated misogynistically in the first place because of that soul gender ESP.

And ALL radfems are wrong that there's a rigid, universally applicable set of rules as to what socialization looks like based on your gender - just because there ARE broad patterns that DO need to be acknowledged doesnt erase the fact that from person to person there's a LOT of variance for a LOT of potential reasons, and that ends up meaning that in order to figure out what it means for trans people, you DO have to do a whole individual level examination - including by diving into the whole dysphoria-inducing disaster that is being perceived as the wrong gender and all that comes from it.

Also I sometimes half-jokingly identify as cis-bigender because between the thing with my parents, the fact that when I hit puberty it became apparent that I'm actually intersex, and the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd have been on the femboy-transfem cusp had I been AMAB, over 10 years into transition I finally feel manly enough to go high femme when the mood strikes, and I've finally gotten comfortable calling myself a girl when it's funny, I think that's a very fun label and about as accurate and honest as any single term comes.

I wish I could frame this ask.

[wheneverfeasible]

Based off this post because I’ve lost all control of my life.

cw: sex trafficking, reference to non-con

Modern au. FBI au. Stobin became inseparable when they both started training in the FBI around the same time, though it started as a bit of not-so-friendly rivalry at first. Robin felt like she had to prove herself as a woman in the FBI, while Steve felt like he had to prove himself as a legacy who has always been a disappointment to his father. A fateful rookie hazing that went a little too far bonded them inseparably, however, and now years later they are the go-to team amongst the younger agents.

Also if you try to separate them then all hell will break loose.

Anyways, so one day there’s need for undercover work. They’ve been tracking this sex trafficking ring for a while and they finally believe they’ve discovered the mastermind behind it all, some newly famous rockstar called Eddie “The Freak” Munson.

So someone needs to dress up like a prostitute and infiltrate their ranks to get hard evidence to put this lowlife away once and for all. As she’s really the only girl on the team that fits the age demographic, Robin is picked as the fake prostitute. Except…well, let’s face it, she’s never been the most feminine of girls. Not a true butch or anything, more a soft futch than anything, but dresses and high heels and makeup? Yeah no.

As soon as Robin wobbles herself out (falling face first in the process) it’s not just Steve immediately telling her no and to go change back into her FBI kit because she looks super uncomfortable and there’s no way they can make her do this, whether or not she could even convincingly play the role to begin with.

And so comes in Steve.

Now, Steve isn’t exactly femme either. While he’s certainly not the butchest agent on their team, he was a jock in high school and even now still picks up the occasional game with civilians or other agents when free time allows. What had once been a respectful firmness to his stomach was now a verifiable six pack, his biceps and thighs filling his clothes out nicely as his FBI workout regimen added some muscle mass.

But there was more to Steve than just the stereotypical musclehead jock. Steve had also been a bit of a prep in high school, and even now still brought some of that with him in his civvies and beauty regimens, especially with his hair. He also opposed to a bit of a shiny lipgloss when the mood hit. And secretly? He’s always wanted do undercover work like this. And it’s not like the victims were only girls.

Plus, though Robin would call him sexist for it, he didn’t like the idea of sending Robin or any other woman into the pits of hell alone like that.

Steve struts out of the changing room wearing the skimpiest outfit he’s ever seen in his life (think like, Julia Roberts’s first outfit in Pretty Woman), except he didn’t shave at all so his hair thighs and chest hair still poke out. There’s no hiding his physique, so he’s going for the whole hairy thing, and he knows it works for him. For any gender.

With a grace that might belie that this isn’t his first time in heels, Steve is on his way to the hotel where all this is going down, slipping in easily, Steve starts casing the place and compiling evidence before the big event that night where hopefully they catch Munson in the act of selling victims to the highest bidder.

Except, while sneaking around trying to gather as much evidence as possible, he runs into Munson himself. Not in some big penthouse full of drugs and weapons and whatever else used to keep the product in line, but in a small little unused room Steve had slipped into to avoid one of the muscled “bodyguards” Munson kept on hand.

No, Steve slipped in and found an anxiously pacing dweeb of man in Garfield sleep trousers and what looked like a homemade shirt with the graphic of a devil face on it, black polished nails being gnawed at by the hunched over form. The figure with frazzled hair matched the images of the mastermind he had seen, though he looked startling different from the persona he put on in public.

Munson’s eyes bugged out a little when he walked in, his eyes taking in Steve’s form with an appreciation that made Steve smug at being the correct choice for this sting after all, but then Munson was groaning in a less appreciative way and slapping his hands to his face.

“I told Dad I didn’t want a fucking hooker,” he mumbled to himself, before dropping his hands with a wince as he held up his hands beseechingly. “Sorry, nothing wrong with prostitutes, darling, I just…now is really not a good time.”

And…huh. Okay. This was the Big Bad Boogeyman who had been giving them the slip for almost a year now? He looked like a wet rat despite being completely dry.

So Steve struts some more, plays his part, simpers and encourages Munson’s eyes to focus on his bare skin and not the slight bulge to his thigh high heeled boots where his gun and handcuffs were hidden. And Munson looks, because Steve is hot and he’s only human, but he also looks really really nervous and lets out a choked giggle when Steve pulls out his charm.

And then Munson again apologizes, says he never met a prostitute before he and he seems like a really nice boy but that he wasn’t the one who hired him and he’s not looking for sex right now, just wanting to get through tonight and go home to his cats, Smaug and Shelob.

Which is unexpected. Even more so when Munson claims he didn’t even want to be there in the first place, that his dad was in charge of setting up the event, though he did so in Munson’s—Eddie’s—name, just as he had been doing ever since Eddie first caught a break for his music in high school. Had dragged Eddie away from his garage band and friends and instead threw Eddie headlong into being a solo artist and creating the persona of The Freak, acting as a kind of shadow manager. Working behind the curtains so that barely anyone even knew he existed.

And…oh. Ohhhhh. Suddenly, Steve didn’t think Eddie was the mastermind they were after. He just looked like nervous kid (who was technically older than Steve but whatever) thrown into the a spotlight not of his own making and made the scapegoat for all of his father’s illegal activities.

Not that Eddie knew anything about the current operation, that was more than evident. He thought it was an actual auction for like antiques and shit. Thought the only person being sold that night was a date with him, his father’s idea. It was why he was hiding out in an unused room to have a little freak out away from everyone treating him like a doll to do whatever they wanted.

But his father had suggested bringing in some hookers to help him calm down, which Eddie had rejected, but which he now thought was what Steve was. Just a hooker his father had bought for the night to help his son relax.

And Steve thought his father was a piece of work.

They talk, Eddie’s nervousness and discomfort in his life causing him to spill secrets he otherwise never would have, not just about his father’s past but also his own, talking about how much he missed his high school band, the Dungeons & Club he used to run, his uncle he hasn’t seen in years, and just a life where he could live it how he wanted.

Much to his surprise, Steve also revealed some truths about himself. Not about his real job, of course, but about his own father, about not ever being good enough for him or his mother, about how they had always held his inheritance over his head until he’d told them to stuff it and that he wasn’t going to marry some socialite of their choosing. He smudged some details about his work, which he felt weirdly guilty for, but needs must.

And well, Eddie’s babble reveals that they really have to change the focus of the sting, which means Steve needs to get a message to Robin pronto. Luckily, she should be nearby undercover as one of the hotel staff with a couple other agents.

Steve does get the message out, but in the process the truth is accidentally revealed to Eddie and he is devastated. He had known his father wasn’t a good man, but he hadn’t realized just how evil he was. He was also, surprisingly, hurt by the knowledge that Steve was just doing his job and the connection he had thought they’d formed wasn’t real.

Except, as Eddie worked with the FBI to take down the operation, getting shot by his own father in the process in a misguided attempt to protect Steve, Steve can’t help but wonder if maybe there was a genuine connection after all.

Later, Steve visits Eddie in the hospital, bypassing the armed guards outside because, while they have proof it was Al Munson behind the sex trafficking and forcing the victims into prostitution, Eddie is still a person of interest as a witness and they still need to fully clear his name regarding any knowing involvement.

Robin, of course, was sick of hearing Steve mooning about Eddie and encouraged the meeting, though she later regretted it when it just caused Steve to talk more about the former rockstar—Eddie was quitting, hating the lonely fame, and wanting to reach out to his old friends and apologize for abandoning them. She was fond of the man’s cats, however, going with Steve to make certain they were taken care of while Eddie was convalescing in the hospital.

Later again, once Eddie is cleared and the trial is over and Al is rotting behind bars, Steve meets up with Eddie when it’s no longer a conflict of interest. He also reveals that he kept his undercover outfit and the two of them put it to good use.

Robin, meanwhile, has likewise grown closer to one of the former victims, a young woman by the name of Chrissy. She had helped her and the others deal with everything, especially those who felt uncomfortable around the male agents. Eddie of course apologizes profusely to her when they meet, but Chrissy knows he wasn’t a part of it and actually helped save her and the others in the end, bringing him into a hug that helps heal the both of them a little bit more.

Steve and Robin and the rest of the team are honored for their work, but to them the real honor is in the loving embrace of those they saved, and who in their own way saved Steve and Robin too.

-

Hostage tags: @derythcorvinus @katyawriteswhump

[jaxieshauna]

LESBIAN CATE YES!!!

idc what anyone says

give me more lesbian cate thoughts please im begging you

YEA ASS so glad somebody asked i #cheered ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و <- me

i think she is PEAK comphet repressed lesbian... imagine her feeling a brief sickening relief after luke because she's free . she never admits it to anybody && shoves that thought away because of course she loved him , grief works in mysterious ways but she's plagued frequently with the thought when she's left alone in the dark.

cate is sooo jealous she gets jealous over everything. her thinking she hates jordan because they're full of themself && overly competitive && can be cocky but really it's because of the way marie looks at them. the way she lights up when she sees them , the way she looks at them like they hung the stars , the way they exchange "secret" looks && have all these stupid inside jokes.... no yeah it's Definitely the cockiness i think

she's obsessed with keeping up the image of the perfect little princess. perfectly crafted dgaf attitude. she's known for being noncommittal && passes up a lot of guys . she's "picky" && she's like a prize to guys because of it ( ew ) .. the real reason she for this is because she HATESS sex with men. pda in general with them , it makes her feel so gross. of course she finds herself thinking about what it would be like to touch a girl or call a girl "baby" but everyone does that... right ? O_o

she's secretly suuuch a loser , god she's so needy && clingy. she pretends she doesn't care but if she doesn't get good morning && good night texts at Least she gets super moody. she's sooo possessive you give someone else more attention for a second && she's planning their downfall... lowkey manipulative.. giving you the biggest puppy eyes , "so you don't love me... :C ..." && you reassure her but every time she hits you with the "prove it" && you can't say no to those big wet puppy eyes. of course you have to keep your relationship a secret but you love her , don't you ૮ ⸝⸝o̴̶̷᷄ ·̭ o̴̶̷̥᷅⸝⸝ ྀིა

she follows marie around like a little pet. she's so puppygirl ( sensing a pattern in jaxieshauna blorbos / true forms ) . if she likes a girl she's following them around her whole mood depends on them. FREAKKK ( same ) trying to act so chill && nonchalant but she's losing it if they smile at her.

she lovees butches ^__^ .. she would love a little himbo butch boyfriend .. she's femme4all but boy does she love a good butch . .

she's a pro at picking crushes.. comphet is a Beast ... she has 3 hallway crushes , 1 more "serious" one && 2 "boyfriend contenders" picked out at all time. perfected the tears when "he doesn't like me back ૮₍˶ ╥ ‸ ╥ ⑅₎ა" && still has trouble distinguishing if they're genuine sometimes.

my brain is fried atm because i stupidly pulled an all nighter but i can && will cook more my thoughts are just a jumbled mess right now :L .. hope at least some of this is coherent erm !! number one lesbian!cate truther has come home

[punkeropercyjackson]

Percy Jackson as a character and as a narrative is just so inherently transfem.The whole point is Percy never does anything wrong,she never meant to hurt anyone,she always tried to be a good,GOOD kid but everyone treated her like a monster just because she exists.There's nothing wrong with her,she's not a bad person and she never was or will be but that didn't stop all her classmates from bullying her over clocking her as a 'weirdo' for in-universe no explained reason except she's so different from everybody,even other half-bloods,and it absolutely plays into her audhd she never learned how to mask but seperating autism and transfeminism is bad faith at the absolute best

Her biggest abuser was her stepdad and her only supporter was her mom.Her birth dad is deadbeat who called her 'a mistake' to his misogynistic brother to save face and he's the god of the sea,which holds boundless femininity to it in symbolism,aesthetics and folklore or mythology if you will.She's a 2000s punk who was a bully beater during her entire school career but wanted to live just a happy normal teenage(girl)hood she never got-The gods,authority figures,older men in her life stole it from her.Percy is perpetually framed as the greatest of all time due to not being like traditional greek male heroes,never are the greek female heroes painted in a bad light!!!, and it was the actual plot of The Titan's Curse,notably the book where Percy officially became a teenager.The SECOND Percy entered the cusp of puberty,she went on a quest for an archaic group of lesbians that protect young women abused by men to prove herself as nothing like (implied) cis men.Percy herself is textually a trauma misandrist who hates masculinity and is enchanted by the femininity of her fellow (out) women every time she meets one and is canonically insecure about her looks too.'Almost' as if she's revolted at the idea of having to present masculinely and wants to present femininely so she can be pretty like a girl and not manly like a boy

Her lack of masculinity is explicitly commented on twice,both times by canonical queer characters:Piper,who is a butch unlabeled wlw and dubbed her 'unimpressive' in terms of masculinity compared to what she'd heard at Camp Half-Blood(accidental meta commentary?)and Nico,who is gay and realized he never actually had a crush on Percy but on the ideallic man he projected onto her.Nico and Percy have history that goes way back to TTC and a platonic cosmic connection they wove for themselves completely accidentally yet all on purpose and she compared her treatment of him to acting like a mom and even canon itself couldn't make them them hate eachother despite Rick's attempt at retconning their relathionship and they're extremely eldest daughter/middle brother-coded(speaking from experience btw).With the exception of Nico and Grover-an effeminate boy she stood up for from getting picked on for being 'wimpy',all of Percy's friends growing up were girls and this includes her ex-turned even closer-friend Rachel,who falls under many irl lesbian norms,including her type of femininity and a common transfem experience is the canon Perachel dynamic.Her most common clothing item is hoodies and one of her pet's is technically trans(Blackjack)and Aphrodite told her she needs to stop trying to be something she's not to be truly beautiful and 'The sea does not like to be restrained' is a quote said to describe her and her intro book had a title about cheeseburgers(sorry,had to include that joke)

I always thought Percy Jackson made the most sense as a female character when i first read the books,all the way back in elementary school.And now that i've grown up and fully discovered and embraced my own transgenderism(albeit it was transmasc femme gender fuckery),i know she does.Percy's 'not' 'like' a girl to me,Percy IS a girl to me.And she should be to everyone else /threat