#so its an autism thing i guess
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listen i need u people to understand that when i say i find your white man unattractive specifically to me and my tastes/say i am surprised they are found conventionally attractive, it is 99% because their style of facial hair is giving me such a bad sensory reaction i cannot look at them. i am sure your man is normal under there. if i look at his patchy beard any longer i am going to have to lock myself in a room and stim or i'll bite something and tear out my fingernails and not in a good way.
#i dont get it either okay#its like. specifically dark patchy beards#where its more stubble than a beard#i cannot stand it#the only way i can describe it is like.#i look at it and i feel a sense of tenseness in my chest/throat. im itchy under the fingernails and feel the need to scratch#my body and brain are telling me to run and i will need to get something soft to relax#few things for my sense trigger this and ive been trying to acclimate to them cos. cant go through life like that#first and in the past. the worst. is cordouroy. screamed when put on it or wearing it as a toddler. taught myself to not feel the urge#to rip and tear and meltdown when simply touching/seeing it. can now wear cordouroy pants and hats#if i bite down into a mushroom the feeling in my mouth makes me want to shut down and cry#and then. theres whatever the fuck is going on with the beards#its entirely visual i dont mind how beards/stubble feel i got used to them cos my dad would hug me when i was little#and it would rub against my cheek#its so bad i have actively stopped liking people i once found attractive because of that specific style of facial hair#idk what it is it just makes their face cause an internal aggressive fuzz inside of me#and i have to look away#i thought it was personal taste but then lime confirmed they experience the same thing#when looking at a guy i was talking about who sends me to sensory hell#so its an autism thing i guess#which means. acclimation time. so i have to get used to seeing dark haired dudes with weird spotty short patchy facial hair eugh
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I think Deceptibee AU fans should consider the hilarious potential of a Starscream and Bee dynamic in this kind of situation—
#also i believe Starscream would probably be the only one to lowkey use Bee's nickname BADASSATRON#cause i think its funny#Starscream SEVERELY overestimates what Bee is capable of with mind games#but I'd like to think he isnt wrong about the ignorance thing being a facade#dude is smarter than we take him for#but he's just a trusting loving guy who has been alone for so long and clings to friendship to the point of melding#he needs that cheerful facade on top of his happy cheerful nature or else he's gonna go silly crazy stupid again#he's not trying to outdo Starscream though he's just tbh creature and likes starscream and thinks he's cool and fun#violently one sided rivalries my beloved#starscream#deceptibee au#transformers one#transformers one spoilers#tf one spoilers#i guess its just obligatory#sorry usual viewers of this blog i got another autism along with spamtong
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Thinking about how the dragons canonically help with fishing by kind of herding them to the nets but like imagine what that'd mean for whaling and hunting.
Like during that rob/dob era adjustment period, everyone's excited about the increase in food due to the raids ending and dragons now assisting them, but imagine one day one of them (Hookfang) just. Brings back a whole whale to try and one-up the other dragons.
But of course, they can't have that so then the others start doing it as well (some even getting confused and bringing back sharks instead). Too often, actually. Berk's store houses are, for the first time in recent history, almost overflowing with cured meats and the like. They're set for the winter, and its left to poor Hiccup to try and reign it in so the local whale, shark and seabird populations aren't completely devastated.
#iirc vikings introduced a lot of whaling methods so this isnt like out of nowhere. making up stuff for berks culture including food bc i can#probably similar things happening to animals On the island as well#also this is under the assumption there arent scauldrons in berks waters (which im guessing is right based on what we've seen?)#monstrous nightmares look like theyre built to like scoop fish out the ocean right#httyd#hiccup haddock#hookfang#riders of berk#isle of berk#some of the dragons see vikings going hunting and try to mimic it#httyd headcanon#moth.txt#deyas dragons#its 6am i havent slept this is what im thingking about. they were right autism is evil </3
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there's a weird thought ive been trying to chase down for a few days, and it's something like, "the words used to describe evil as inhuman are misleading."
very specifically, i keep thinking about the words often used to describe slavery - dehumanizing, objectifying, treated like animals, etc.
but that's not actually true is it? people would never trust an animal with complex tasks like "watch over my children," and they never react to objects with the emotional/mental abuse slavery engenders. the weird truth is, we don't really have any good comparison for slavery, because it is, by it's nature, a violence that can only be perpetuated *against other humans.*
these word choices imply that the crime is one of mistaken identity, as if the slaveholder is simply Factually Wrong. i understand that they are useful shorthand a lot of the time, but i worry that sometimes it's used to imply a lot more passivity than actually exists here.
#maybe its just the autism and taking things too literal#but i feel like if someone simply Didnt Think someone else was human#that would be easier to correct#than the reality that they just dont *care.* or worse. actively enjoy it.#i guess this is partially just my musings about every time peta tries to get cute with the slavery comparisons#and why. specifically. thats so wrong
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thinking about love in danger days
this is part of my conspiracy theory that that album is aroallo, but i've always gotten the sense that romance and romantic attatchment is much less important to danger days than any other mcr record. with bullets&revenge it's quite obvious as the demolition lovers take up like, everything, and the black parade has a heavy focus on a romantic relationship as well.
while i do think there are lines in it that are romantically coded, there is a definitive lack of emphasis on it- like it's nowhere in the plot at all.
i do think danger days represents a very familial type of love though. while other albums visit a sense of "i want you, i need you, i miss you, i hate you,", this is more like…"i love you, i want to protect you, i'm sorry"
i find this especially strongly in s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w:
"Nevermind about the shape i'm in, I'll keep you safe tonight"
"love, love, love won't stop this bomb"
"run, run, bunny, run"
and other songs:
"i'll find you when the sun goes black"
"just save yourself and i'll hold them back tonight"
"how long until we find our way in the dark and out of harm"
relevant things i can't cover with just quotes are planetary go, oft-theorized to be about party poison and kobra kid, as brothers, leaving battery city together; sing, about the killjoys' last message to the girl while saving her; goodnite dr. death, phrased as him saying goodnight to children; and summertime, which i can't discern the meaning of but seems more like a family type of love.
i think it makes sense that danger days is like this, seeing as it features main characters that take care of a child main character as opposed to main characters that love other main characters of the same age/ability.
another thing i noticed while re-listening to the more sentimental songs for this essay is that there's just a distinctly different vibe to it. So much of it is focused around wanting to protect people, keep them safe and out of danger (<- ha that's the name of the album) and loved. i think this also makes sense, because the killjoys live a very, well, dangerous life without much security, and they'd want to provide what they lack the most. another semi-related thing i noticed is just how much of an emphasis there is on childhood in this album. i feel like there's a vibe of youth or teen-hood throughout the earlier ones, but this is just VERY strongly about kids. again this makes sense cause not only are the killjoys teenagers (a type of kid!) they also have a proper little kid to watch.
also, i wonder how much of this stuff was due to gerard becoming a parent. just something to think about
#mcr#my chemical romance#danger days#ddttlotfk#danger days: the true lives of the fabulous killjoys#barely on topic but i hate how everyone always brings up the different greek words for love whenever they talk about different kinds of lov#I DONT CARE ABOUT EROS AND PHILIOS OR WHATEVER!! its actually okay to use adjectives to describe nouns. its okay. you dont need to use more#at any rate im not USING the damn greek love paradigm i see no reason to be chained to its definitions#ppl will be like errhmmm (nerd emoji) (pointing emoji) did you know that the greeks actually had different words for brotherly godly and ro#erhm yes i did know that.#sometimes i feel like danger days feels more energetic and youthful. less serious than the more emo other albums even though i acknowledge#but in some ways i also think it's a lot more mature#like the black parade is a serious mature story but it feels very young adult/teenager vibes. danger days is so strange because it feels si#i guess that makes sense cause the killjoys are teenagers (apparently) but also sort of parents of the girl#i think they have similar conclusions of acceptance and letting go#they just feel so distinctly different#i feel like this is kinda incoherent but i dont care about the thesis enough to edit it#okay since i wrote that tag i have since edited this the autism won#i have to resist the urge to say “stick that in your skillet and let it simmer” (the thing that stoner otter says in acnh) every time i say#i was writing in my notebook earlier and dropped a metaphorical bomb about the black parade and then i feel like i didnt have anything to s#it was so hard not to write that there😭😭
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Don't know how to answer people when they ask you a question? Get quiet or stressed because you kind of don't want to answer but you also can't explain why, lest you start to answer? Getting called secretive because you Just Don't Respond??
Might I introduce you... To The Cards!!!!
#Sheldon Cooper#tagging him for the normal tagging reasons but also bc I know he's Not Super Liked in the autism community#also no I don't have autism so I'm not gonna tag that i just got Other Stuff going on#Sheldon is a big kin for me / used(????? I GUESS???) to be an alter. so like. its fine.#not that i need to explain myself but also this is the vent blog so I can do what I want lmao#communication cards#idrk what to tag this bc i want people to see but idk who would benifit#bc this isn't really a DID thing either#shrug emoji#hopefully this will find the right people through sheer force of will
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Can I be mega autistic here and vent for a second and ask if anyone else is lowkey scared for whatever the next RE game is HSBWHDNDJ
#having hyperfixations/special interests combined with a PARALYSING fear of change SUUUUUCKSSS MAAAAANN. IT SUCKS ASS#like realistically I KNOW it’s silly and I KNOW I’ve got nothing to stress over BUT ITS STRESSING ME OUT BAD AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO#RE4R/Luis has been SUCH a massive comfort of mine and turned into a full blown special interest and I guess the thing I’m most scared of is#the fandom moving on and forgetting abt re4r/luis as a whole which again I KNOW is silly but I can’t control my brain!!!!#and also combined with the fact that Luis probably isn’t coming back to the franchise at least anytime soon is HEARTBREAKING man. like thats#my special interest!! that’s the thing I’ve poured hours of my time into!!!!! I’m scared to see people move on#he’s already a fairly unpopular character in the wider fandom too!! and the fact that the content we do have of him is ALL we’re gonna have?#I dunno that makes me so much more stressed out and anxious than I should be which. again. I KNOOOOOOWW IS SILLY BUT I CANT HELP IT MAN#THE AUTISM!! THE AUTISMMMMM#I dunno I’m expecting Capcom to announce their next game this summer fest and it’s genuinely stressing me out sm which I hate#I hate being so afraid of change it sucks so much man#anyways sorry for the massive vent I just had to get this off my chest cuz it’s been weighing me down massively and making me more anxious#than it has any right to BCNDNENDJXJ#and again the fact that there’s a solid chance we may never see him again at lest not anytime soon is so so so so so devastating to me it#again makes me so much more upset than it has any right to HDNSHENDJDJ#not to mention people who are already weirdly mean and nasty to people who DO like him. I’m Not having a Time rn
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you ever feel a hyperfixation coming on . like i thought my mom said the title of the thing and i was like 👁👁👁👁 . if i watch this its going to take over my whole brain and its gonna be awful
#for some reason . liking mainstream things feels more cringe than liking things that are actually cringe#i feel like im slowly turning into a roadman if i hyperfixate on *** **** itll be so over#got the cis boy autism sorry guys#delete later#i havent seen any of it yet and i dont want to go here but also like Stuff . i can have Stuff To Do#and i was complaining the other day about not having anything to watch while doing artfight . so uhm . now i do i guess#edit the roadman thing is so funny its the combo of o/v/w and being half interested in football and now *** **** like its joever#the roadman body spray axe/lynx whatever is getting to me help help help#also this isnt a d1sney ip so it wont be banished to my sideblog if it does take over my brain . so youve been warned i guess
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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incredibly autism take on food. love it. i am also a sensory seeking food autistic. today for dinner i requested something “garlicky and flavorful” ended up with noodles and dumplings
soups can so be flavorful but a lot of the time they’re just not like that out in the world and it’s soooo disappointing. shockingly easy to make though (onions n garlic, veg, crap ton of spices bloomed in the oil, good broth, blend, SALT)
See I would never trash talk a dumpling but once again I think they are vehicles for other flavors. In MY opinion although soups are easy to make most of them just taste like Onions and Chicken Broth to me and I'm like where is the spice where is the intrigue where is the zest for life
#idk my mom makes good chicken and dumplings. but hers are different and better#replies#another fun thing the autism does is like i will go to the store buy foods i THINK i will eat then at random my brain decides i Cannot#i buy so many salty snacks because they're the one thing i know i will eat no matter what#but as for the rest? your guess is as good as mine what foods i won't waste this week#have had a caesar salad with avocado 4 nights a week for the past few months but it is starting to lose its appeal#so now i'm like. great. i have to find something new#idk when i will just randomly find it nasty. probably soon#it happened with oatmeal which i used to eat most mornings and enjoyed and then it randomly became disgusting#shame because it was so cheap and filling :/
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bad news: im at it again
#just remembered this image lol#if you're wondering why i keep bringing up my communist theory studies#and joking about how everyone probably hates it and finds it exhausting#even though no one has ever expressed. any opinion about it whatsoever#its because i am genuinely and sincerely embarrassed#and framing it like its a quirky affectation instead of just. my irrepressible autism way#feels a little better i guess#if its a funny bit or if its a thing im doing to spite the haters then at least it's something im doing on purpose yknow?#so if someone could please get Big Mad about the communism that would really help support my premise thanks
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maybe this is just me being annoyed but whenever i try to talk abt my ocs here [which i very rarely do for this exact reason] it always gets zero engagement whatsoever. like i dont come here for Attention i come here for interaction which do kind of go hand in hand but. getting like 7 likes any time i pour my heart out about my guys is. disheartening. and it sucks because talking abt them is part of the way to get people to care! but i dont have the motivation for comics all the time [and when i do they dont get much attention either]. i feel like i should just stick to discord but im soo desprate to be heard and i feel like its hard to find The Right People to talk to
#especially when some of the people i wanna rant to dont use disc much. so i just yell into the void#this is abt sparks in particular but im miffed in general. with the response i get.#sky rambles#its just. frustrating. not mad at anyone in particular ofc !!!!!!#i need a friend who is online all the time who is always willing to hear me talk about stupid shit /SILLY#im actually Deranged about sparks rn i wish someone who Clicked With Autism was online on disc rn . so i could yap .#whatever.#sorry.#i just don't get what my guys don't have ????/ i guess probably constant art#i wish i could explain things concisely so people would care at all
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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ive been really really loving your fic work for awhile now and i saw u worrying about trans rep stuff the other day and i wanted to tell u that as a transgirl who has terrible BPD from being a lonely kid ive felt very connected with your intrepretation of falin. the whole inner dragon metaphor and the inner guilt of if its justified for standing up for yourself was so absolutely keen to some of the struggles ive had in relationships and seeing them written so well in a character that already means a lot to me is wonderful. also your smut is tremendous please keep doing the lords work <3
#asks#a little creature#im very happy it resonated w u#also ahah whenever people mention it speaking to their bpd ive been quiet bc im still fairly apprehensive about being too open abt it#but enough people have been kind enough to tell me about it so i guess it bears saying that its somewhat intentional#i usually try to temper the way that my bpd influences the way that i write bc i know most characters dont react that intensely to things#but i knew it would be inevitable with how i was handling the way falins dragon affects her usual audhd mindset so#i kinda just let loose and leaned into the ways it makes it so difficult to navigate your own emotions#esp. when your confidence in 'right and wrong' in social situations is already horribly shaken bc of the autism#im v v happy people are able to feel connected to it#the autism + adhd + bpd clusterfuck is such a specific thing that i really wasnt expecting this many ppl to find it relatable AHA
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when my roommates put things back in the kitchen incorrectly it makes me frustrated and angry. apparently, did you know, this is not a thing all or most humans experience ? some people don't have an intense emotional reaction to things not being stacked in the optimal way, or pans not being put back in their "usual" spot. did you know this. did you.
#personal#I'm having an online interview on autism tomorrow and so I'm researching and reflecting more#not like this is ground breaking or anything but just. it's interesting to me that this typically doesn't elicit an emotion for people.#I've been crying a lot over autism videos#I haven't had a chance to process my diagnosis yet really and there's still so much for me to learn and accept about autism#like feeling shame and guilt bcs of disability has been a huge problem for me lately. not being able to accomplish what I want to.#and seeing videos of other autistic ppl who were really attached to the idea of who they would become when they got older#or identified a lot with who they were while masking#and now have to let go of those things. and figure out who they actually are and are capable of doing without burnout.#whoof man. its a lot. i still haven't let go of who i thought id be when i grew up. to the extent that said struggle is part of my identity.#it's just. I am autistic. several medical professionals familiar with autism saw me and went 'yeah you are autistic'.#I spent so long learning how to better cope with my depression.#and it turns out some of that advice is opposite to what you need if its autistic burnout instead#which im gonna assume i just kinda had both going on at various times#i just. im not sure what to do with my life.#but i guess first i have to make my life more baseline liveable and enjoyable before i start pondering that#change is hard. basically. thats what this was about.
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