#like realistically I KNOW it’s silly and I KNOW I’ve got nothing to stress over BUT ITS STRESSING ME OUT BAD AND THERES NOTHING I CAN DO

[wisecrackingeric-2]

Can I be mega autistic here and vent for a second and ask if anyone else is lowkey scared for whatever the next RE game is HSBWHDNDJ

[melobin]

✧ eunseok as your boyfriend ✧

part of the riize as your boyfriend series!

cw. eunseok x female reader. strangers to lovers, fluff, some light angst, smut toward the bottom.

summary. eunseok as your boyfriend, both domestically and sexually. nsfw content is included below!

a/n. sorry for randomly abandoning this series .. it’ll be finished i promise 🫶🏻

how you met

you met when you were quite young

he’s been your brothers best friend for as long as you can remember

you grew used to him always being at your house, always being around you

you tried to not take too much notice of him but it was hard, he was sweet, funny, attractive

in some fucked up way he felt like your dream man that realistically you knew you could never have, or so you thought

eunseok was always quite doting on you

your brother trusted him around you, trusted him to be there if something was to happen and your brother couldn’t show up

you knew all of this, your brother always telling you that if you can’t get ahold of him, call eunseok

you hardly ever did but in the rare occasion you did call for him, he’d be there

how you got together

your crush developed on him quite quickly as you grew up

you pinned it down to some form of silly little school girl crush

the cliche, having a crush on your brothers best friends who’s older than you, who’s so sweet to you, who always makes you laugh and who is attractive as fuck

you’d read about those kind of relationships and how in the end they always worked out

you weren’t too optimistic about this though, spending a while fearing he saw you as nothing more than his best friends younger sibling who just happened to be around him because of a mutual connection

it wasn’t the case though

eunseok wanted to take care of you, he wanted to protect you

for a while he pinned it down to the fact you were younger than him and you’d practically always been in his life

it wasn’t really he case though and deep down he knew it

as the two of you grew older around each other, the more his feelings of needing to protect you and take care of you grew

he founds himself hoping he’d bump into you around your house, hoping you’d reach out to him because you needed something, needed him

once he accepted his feelings he decided he needed to play them out on the table as soon as possible

the day it came to confessing to you, he was stressed

wasn’t really sure how it would go, hated the ides of things becoming awkward between the two of you and for your brother to find out the man he trusted with you

he really was stressing over nothing though

it was a little strange for you when you received a message off of eunseok, asking if you could meet him somewhere

you weren’t entirely sure on what he wanted to say to you and in all honesty it made you worry a little bit

did he notice the crush you had on him? was he about to reject you? was he about to tell you to never look in his direction again?

maybe your overthinking was a little extreme

and completely wrong

for some reason eunseok thought the best place to be rejected for his confession was a little cafe near by your house

something about him seemed different when you got there, he was fidgety, couldn’t seem to stay still no matter how hard he tried

“there’s something i need to tell you” you looked over at his, eyes confused and head tilted to the side. you looked so cute, distractingly cute. the pout that formed on your lips as you watched him made me want to lean over and kiss it off of you, he both loved and hated how you made him feel. “is everything okay?” your voice was so gentle, it calmed him. he cleared his throat “yes? uh well i guess it depends how this talk goes” now you really were concerned “i’ll just come out and say it, in the past few months i’ve noticed myself growing feelings for you and i didn’t know what to do about it or how to handle it due to the nature of our relationship and i just didn’t wanna fuck anything up” whatever you had expected him to say, you were dead wrong. you sat in silence for a few moments, those few moments terrified the lost looking boy in front of you. you weren’t mad or upset or anything like that you just weren’t sure on what to say. what do you say when the boy you’ve been pining over for years confesses to you? “i’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable or anything i just-“ “eunseok” he stops speaking, eyes darting to yours, entire body relaxing instantly at your next words “where are we going for our first date?”

he was smitten right from the start, he loved spending time with you. although he hated lying and keeping secrets from your brother, you were worth it

the dates he took you on were simple but intimate

he realised he couldn’t do anything too big without your brother noticing, he had already been questioning him about him seeing someone, already noticing the change in his behaviour

he noticed it in you too, but decided against commenting on it, already putting the math together in his head, he just wanted the two of you to tell him before he spoke up about it

he wasn’t against the idea of a relationship forming between the two of you, there was no one he trusted more than eunseok, especially when it came to you. he just wanted to watch eunseok sweat and panic for a while

eunseok wanted to ask you to be his before tackling your brother thought

boy already adored you and didn’t wanna wait too long before securing your relationship, so he didn’t

only a few dates had passed before his hands found themselves sitting on your hips and his eyes trained on yours, looking down at you like you held everything he could ever want

wanted to be sweet with it but couldn’t stop himself from just asking you, wanting to be able to call himself your boyfriend as soon as possible

“would it be too soon to ask you if you’d be mine?” his fingers rubbed small circles into your hips, yours played with the bottom on his hair, you wanted to humour him “hmmmm i don’t knowww” you dragged out your words, laughing a little as he rolled his eyes, but your demeanor turned serious after “but if you think it’s not too soon seokkie, i wouldn’t be opposed to it” he smile and pulled you. a little closer to his, lips ghosting over the skin of your cheek “in that case, be mine?” “happily”

what he’s like as a boyfriend

he adores you and everything you do

he’s the walking definition of domestic dominance

just wants to take care of you in every way that he possibly can

it’s the small things that matter, standing and sitting close to you when you’re doing mundane things, always having an eye on you when you’re out and about, hand on your lower back when you’re walking past people, even leaning over you to put your seatbelt on when you’re in his car

you don’t ask him to do any of these things and you never fail to get flustered when he does them

he just wants you to be safe and happy and content and will always be prepared to do what he needs to do in order to make that happen

his ideal date is just laying in bed with you in his arms, starting with watching whatever film or show netflix has decided to offer the two of you and ending with you making out under the covers and giggling against each others lips

he embraces any form of intimacy and gentleness that he can get with you, especially out of the way of the other boys. wants you to himself, just for him to enjoy

he does enjoy the occasional date outdoors, usually during the night. something about being under the stars with you is so peaceful and comforting

likes to wrap his arm around your waist and hold you against his side as you walk, always taking precaution to glance around before leaning forward to kiss you

eunseok is not too fond of pda, he adores touching you, kissing you, holding you in his arms but he’s a little less willingly to do it around other people

not out of embarrassment, but more so out of wanting to keep his privacy with you

in private he’s very touchy, hands always on you, all over you. everywhere.

he loves forehead kisses, will find any excuse he can to hold you in his arms whilst you’re laying down and press a gentle kiss to your forehead before resting his own head on yours. it’s so comforting and intimate. for him, it’s a kiss that says both everything and nothing at the same time

boyfriend eunseok would give you anything you wanted and more if you let him.

arguments with him

eunseok can be quite nonchalant about a lot of things, he doesn’t enjoy arguing with you but he’s not the most outwardly emotional about it either.

he’s cold, he doesn’t necessarily mean to be, especially when it comes to you, but that’s how he is by nature so it’s not uncommon for you to assume he doesn’t care when you’re upset about something. even more so when it’s something that he’s done.

but he does care, often finds himself stuck in his own thought once he realises he’s hurt or upset you.

sometimes he’ll realise mid argument and try to fix it but he finds himself making it worse, often accidentally saying things like wrong.

most arguments usually end with him holding you, stroking your hair and kissing you’re head until you’ve calmed down, whispering the sweetest words in your ear about how you mean the world to him and how he’d never want to upset you.

if you’re the one who’s upset him then he just doesn’t know how to act.

he knows you’d never hurt him intentionally but sometimes he finds himself overthinking things you’ve said to him, getting into his own head and beating himself up over it.

he loves you and he’ll hear you out when you apologise. he might seem a little distant and off during it but once you curl your fingers around his hand and tell him how much you love him he tends to come back to the ground.

letting you wrap your arms around him and tell him sweet words, comforting him

at the end of the day he loves you more than anything and he’s ready to work through any argument the two of you have. he thinks you’re worth it.

his love langue

quality time and physical touch are his.

he loves spending time with you, just sitting and talking or playing games or anything. as long as he’s with you it doesn’t matter to him what you do.

he values all of his time with you, you’re his favourite person so he treasures everything.

if you’re around other people he always finds himself gravitating toward you, hand in yours or arm round your waist.

thinks the way you’re happy to just sit and play with his fingers whilst he talks to his friend is cute.

he also loves touching you, having his arms around you, holding your hand. anything that lets him having skin to skin contact with you.

his favourite times are when you’re sat together, arms wrapped around each other playing a game or watching something, he gets to spend time with you and have fun as well as have you in his arms.

lowkey bullying too. lovingly.

he’s teasing, taunting, mocking, he’ll make light hearted jokes to you.

genuinely gets slightly upset if you don’t find them funny because you’re his girlfriend and you’re supposed to find everything he says funny, those are his words.

it’s all with love though, teasing you when you get flustered around by him, taunting you when you lose against him in your favourite game and mocking you when you ask him for something as simple as a kiss.

he always finds your reactions to be the cutest thing, loving the way you whine and pretend to be mad at him.

knows he’ll always get your attention back on him when he starts littering kisses on your neck and telling you i’m so sorry baby, a hint of amusement in his voice.

what he’s like in bed

dominant. it’s very rare that he’s not. eunseok just loves taking control, loves having power over you.

thinks having you at his mercy, a wreck under him is the ideal way to spend the night. especially when you’re crying out his name as he fucks himself into you.

he can be mean, you’ve found yourself bent over his knee, counting the slaps he makes against your ass countless times.

he just likes when you’re good for him, loves his good girl more than anything and needs to put you in your place when you’re a brat.

has no issue in putting you in your place either.

very rarely will he drop the dominant act, but sometimes he will.

no power play sex with eunseok is the sweetest, softest thing you’ll ever find yourself doing.

he holds you so softly as he fucks you, whispers the sweetest words in your ear, moans so prettily as you clench around him.

constantly reminding you about how much he loves you, cums so deep inside of you just to be sure you take all of it.

on the flip side, he can be rough.

he loves forced eye contact, making you look at him whilst he fucks you senseless.

but he also loves pressing you face down ass up and fucking you till you’re crying, god he loves it when you cry.

the way you look, the sound, everything is so beautiful, even more so because it’s coming from you.

you’re just his everything and he makes sure to treat you and fuck you as such.

tag list - @ma-riiii @choqolei @addictedtohobi @strayghibli @seokeuns @productiwity @swaggyjinnie @kvstjwonnie @xushigyu @daebin @saintzdoll @hyucksdelicate @shotaroswifeyily @imthisclosetokms @wccycc @gyuvision @seotired @starrypen @llearlert @yeolwrld @snowyseungs @shawnyle @bbg7mae @hwhjsthetic @cysier @lilriswife4life @blueberryyuta @revehosh @kpxpseoul @emoseob @sashasbluehair r @ohmykwonsoonyoung

[beauty-and-passion]

A (not so) brief post about my favourite Sanders Sides ships

It all started with this ask:

I just wanted to write a short answer, I swear. Just a short answer with a tiny little explanation about why I like these ships in particular.

But then I got a bit carried away, my explanations became longer and so here I am, writing a full post.

One small clarification before starting: ships don’t have a place in my analyses. If I talk about connections between Sides, these connections are always in terms of friendships, cooperation or familial relationships. The romantic aspect is something different and I may joke about it sometimes, but it’s just a joke.

There is a time and space for romantic relationships - and it looks like that time has come. 

______________________________

Janus and Patton

I've always liked the canonical ship, in (almost) every fandom. So of course I like the canonical ship of this fandom as well :P

Jokes aside, this ship is incredibly mature, very interesting and terribly hard to talk about. The nature of these two characters, their roles and the episodes that had them involved proved how these two speak the same language, work in the same field and, ultimately, need each other.

* More similar that we think

If we look at them on a superficial level, Janus and Patton are completely opposites: one is cynical and cold, the other is a ball of sunshine. One is dark and suave, the other is goofy and bright. Janus' moral is "step on others and only care about yourself", Patton's moral is "help others because they are more important than you".

These differences became clearer over time, the more we learned about Janus and compared him with Patton. However, along these differences, some similarities started to emerge. Some qualities.

Janus and Patton want what's good for Thomas. They are humble enough to recognize their mistakes (the latest example was POF). They have a strong empathy. They’re kind. They’re mature adults (even if Patton doesn’t show it too often). And they both love and use puns.

But that’s not all. Along with these qualities, we found out that these two have similar flaws: they are both liars. They are incredibly persuasive to the point of manipulation. They have a huge influence over the mind (and the other Sides). They both deal with denial.

And this isn't just important, but it's a fundamental point for their character growth. Why? Because if they have similar flaws, if they are both liars and manipulators, then they cannot deceive each other.

And this is HUGE, especially for Patton! By his own admission, Patton lied multiple times, especially about his feelings (the Nostalgia episodes) and his thoughts (the most recent wedding/callback saga).

He always got away with it, because he was lying to other Sides and Thomas. But what would the point be, to lie to the literal embodiment of lies? Janus already knows what of his words are lies and what not, so it would be absolutely useless to do it.

Therefore, if Patton cannot lie to Janus, he cannot pretend everything is alright when it's not or hide his thoughts on a certain topic. He cannot shift the attention somewhere else or let a conversation drop. That means Patton cannot avoid confrontation about his thoughts/feelings and oh boy if he really needs to talk about them - especially with someone mature like Janus.

And yes, having someone who is able to see past your lies means being a lot vulnerable... but also a lot freerer. With Janus, Patton won’t have to pretend to be the strongest one: he can allow himself to be weak and confused, because if he doesn’t have an answer or if the weight of decisions is too much to carry, he has Janus with whom he can share it.

* A foundation of mutual respect

This point has never been fully addressed, but it was very well implied by their words/behaviours since Janus’ first appearance.

The first proof we have is CLBG: after Deceit revealed himself and disappeared, all the Sides and Thomas went through various degrees of shock, frustration and anger. Patton, on the other hand, was the only one who showed a pretty calm demeanor.

He should've been the angriest, considering that Janus took HIS place and pretended to be HIM the whole time. And yet, not only Patton didn't show any resentment, but he didn't talk bad about Janus (even if he had all the reasons to) and he even justified the other Side’s actions to Thomas:

[Patton]: Kiddo, simply put, Deceit is an inner coach that acts with the one intention of self-preservation.

Patton could’ve said anything, to make Janus appear as the worst. And his words could've had a lot of influence on Thomas, considering they were coming from his heart.

However, Patton didn't say anything too bad about Janus - not even in the following episodes.

Then we reach POF: Patton's monologue about his morals went so dramatically bad, he turned into a giant frog with abs and Janus had to sweep in to save Thomas.

In that moment, he could've said ANYTHING to make Patton appear as the worst Side ever. He had his chance on a silver plate: Patton was wrong, he had been wrong the whole time, he was literally ready to fight Thomas.

And yet, Janus took Patton's defense:

[Deceit]: He didn't mislead you on purpose, Thomas. I don't think the little guy... or... the big frog is capable of that sort of thing.

In addition to that, let’s consider Janus' whole attitude towards Patton in SvS: he basically spent an entire episode trying to make Patton understand his point.

[Deceit]: You can defend him all you like... But you can't change the facts. Is Thomas an innocent little lamb? Let's let them be the judge of that.

Why did he insist so much on this? Why not tricking Patton like he did with Roman or ignoring him like he did with Logan?

Because Janus knows how important Patton's role is and his whole behaviour shows respect towards the other Side. Unlike the others, who tend to diminish/forget Patton’s importance, Janus never did and always tried to reach him in the most honest, difficult way: through dialogue and confrontation.

And when he failed, instead of disregarding Patton’s importance, he just kept trying again, until his message finally reached the other Side.

* The perfect working partner

POF proved Patton can't bear the weight of the decision-making process all by himself. He needs another Side who can help him and Janus perfectly fills this role.

But why Janus? Why not Logan? Logan is a very mature Side, he can deal with a lot of stress, he's extremely organized and knows a lot. Surely he can help Patton with the decision-making process, right?

Not exactly. For his own admission, morals and ethics are not Logan's area of expertise (as it should be: logic can’t be influenced by what’s considered “good” or “bad”: logic is neutral). Secondly, Logic isn't an emotional-driven Side: logic is way less affected by emotions than other Sides - especially compared to Patton, who is the embodiment of emotions.

What Patton needs is a mature Side with a grey mentality, humble enough to respect him/not diminish his role, from his same area of expertise and enough emotional-driven to connect with him on an emotional/empathetic level.

And Janus is the only one who fills all those points. Even the latter, as we saw in the last part of POF:

[Patton]: Janus... Do you think there's a limit... on how many times someone can say sorry... before you have to admit... that they're just bad for you? [Janus]: Oh, definitely not. I'd love for someone to ruin Thomas' entire life one apology at a time. [Patton]: Okay. [Janus]: (After seeing Patton's reaction)The reality is that... it depends.

Janus' answer changed, the moment he realized Patton didn't get his sarcasm, by switching from ironic to honest. This is the kind of emotional connection Patton needs, something that doesn’t require words, but a small gesture that says more than a thousand words (yes, I’m also talking about that gaze and the small nod in the end card).

If we add to all of that the detail that Janus can nullify Patton's excuses and see past his lies, we have the perfect partner to help him grow up.

But this cooperation isn’t just one-sided: Janus needs Patton just as much as Patton needs him.

Why? First of all, to have a seat at the table. After years hiding, Janus can finally talk to Thomas, introduce his cynical mentality, make Thomas a little more selfish and help him grow up.

Secondly, by cooperating with Patton, Janus will become a better Side: he will learn to compromise, to work together and, most importantly, to trust Patton. And this is a particularly important point because, as I said in my analysis of POF, Janus isn’t used to trust others and he doesn’t want them to see past his barriers. Working with Patton might be exactly what he needs to trust the other Sides and lower these barriers, even a tiny bit.

* The romantic possibility

Considering all of the above points, the idea that their cooperation could evolve into something romantic-driven isn't so strange. The elements are all here, there's nothing weird to add nor need to bend canon, in order to make the ship happen. Their mutual acceptance can easily become need, learning more about each other can easily evolve into desiring each other and friendship could grow into passion.

And, of course, let's not forget marriage. These two can only end up in marriage. I mean, one is a dad, the other is a mom witch, so they are a perfect match XD

My point is: this ship isn't just a “cute couple being cute”. It's about dialogues. Conversations about themselves, their different points of view, their morals, their cooperation, how to help Thomas and the other Sides. It's based on listening to each other, on knowing each other a little more every day. On being silly together, working and failing together, going down and getting up, because there is someone by your side to lend a helping hand.

This is what makes Janus and Patton the most realistic, mature couple. And that's probably why it's so hard to perfectly nail it.

______________________________

Logan and Remus

Here it is, the couple that blew up after one episode and was confirmed in the most recent Aside.

But seriously, these two have a huge potential - first as friends/working partners, then as romantic partners. Logan and Remus need each other and the reasons are pretty clear:

- Having an interlocutor

Remus is Unleashed Creativity, a volcano of ideas in constant need of new stimuli, no matter if they are considered good or bad. After all "good and bad are all made up nonsense", as he said.

Logan is a walking encyclopedia in search of someone who wants to listen to him. He's pure, undiluted knowledge because that's what logic should be. No morals about what's good and what's bad, no emotions, nothing but neutral knowledge.

Considering that, it’s pretty clear these two have to come into contact. But what would they gain?

Well, Remus would have the stimuli he desperately craves. And Logan?

Logan would gain an incredibly smart interlocutor. And I’m not saying it because I am biased towards Remus, but because the canonical episodes showed us how smart he is. In both DWIT and WTIT Remus proved to be a quick thinker, with a sharp intellect and an even sharper eye. He's silly and over the top, but he's not an idiot and he uses everything he has for his own creative needs, no matter how small it is.

Just imagine this cleverness applied to everything Logan might say to him. Remus wouldn’t be the only one to benefit from it, but the whole creative process and, ultimately, Thomas himself, who will have better, richer ideas.

- Gaining a place

At this moment in time (just after WTIT) Remus has not been fully accepted yet. He is tolerated and his presence is a nuisance, but he’s neither wanted, nor banished. He’s just here and he has no voice on any matter.

Also because no one wants to give him a chance to prove how useful and worthy he can be. Thomas barely tolerates him, Patton does his best to ignore him, Roman doesn’t even want to see him and Virgil would rather not have any of the Others present.

The only Core Side who accepts Remus’ presence and is willing to give him a chance is Logan. He spent the entire DWIT to explain why Remus is useful for Thomas and shouldn’t be ignored, while in WTIT, he said: "There will be a time and place for you" - thus implying that, one day, Remus will finally be able to show how worthy he can be.

This is exactly what Remus needs: a Core Side who doesn’t see him as a nuisance or a villain, but as a fundamental part of Thomas that can be helpful, in his own way. Someone willing to give him a seat at the table (at least in the future). And, most importantly, someone who is powerful enough to control him.

Remus is and will always be a force of nature. He will never rest or stop being chaotic. This is why he needs someone strong by his side, someone who can’t be overcomed by his dark thoughts and that can put him back on track if necessary. And Logan proved to be perfect for this role not once, but twice.

- Understanding on a deeper level

However this cooperation won’t be beneficial just for Remus. As I said before, Remus could be a clever interlocutor for Logan. And this cleverness isn’t just related to creativity, but also to emotional understanding.

The Core Sides have known Logan for almost thirty years and yet, they have no idea of the inner turmoil raging inside him. They keep ignoring and dismissing him, clearly thinking everything is fine.

It took Remus one single day to realize what Logan’s problem is, how deeply frustrated he is and how much he’s actually angry at Thomas. Less than 24 hours and Remus knows Logan better than his long time friends.

That’s exactly what Logan needs. Someone sharp enough to notice his behaviour, find out the root of the problem and make Logan face it, instead of dismissing it because who cares (yes, Roman, I am talking about you and your “You'll be fine, Rome didn't fall in a day.”)

- The romantic possibility

I think almost all the fandom agrees that these two would have a great sex life. After all, Remus is the embodiment of Thomas' sexual urges, so he would definitely go for a very physical relationship.

But having a good sex life implies a lot of other great things: good chemistry, no comunication issues, great stability and greater trust. And, even more important, the desire to try new things together. Logan and Remus are both very curious Sides, they both want to know new things and experience them: so their relationship would probably be based on discussing new ideas, testing them and finding out together if they are good or not.

And this doesn't apply to just the sexual aspect: even just the romantic aspect or the working aspect of their relationship could have these characteristics. Logan and Remus can motivate each other, learn from one another and find new things together. They are clever enough to stimulate each other's mind, curious enough to do stuff together to learn something new and honest enough to not withdraw their opinions on any matter.

______________________________

Roman and Virgil

I am just recently starting to warm up to this couple, so I will keep this part short.

Just as it was for the previous two couples, these two can work together because canon made them work. The first part of their whole relationship is already all canonically established: at first Roman saw Virgil as a villain, then he slowly realized he could be a friend. Now moving from friends to lovers isn’t so difficult.

^ No need to demonstrate

Roman needs someone like Virgil, because Virgil is on his same level. Sure, Virgil’s mentality is way more gray-ish, but he still has a lot to learn, just like Roman.

Having someone on his side, who is on his same level is a huge relief: with Virgil, Roman doesn't have to pretend, nor to show off, nor to be dashing and perfect all the time. He knows Virgil won't care less, so he can relax. And for someone who is used to working all the time, having a moment of quiet with someone who has zero espectations is exactly what Roman needs.

Same goes for Virgil: he knows Roman won't care if he's gloomy and dark, because Roman already saw that side of him and appreciates him anyway. So no need to pretend to be different. He can relax too. And, because of his anxious nature, relaxing is exactly what he also needs.

So if they both need to relax, that implies they also need time to do it. And without expectations, without feeling like the other “is better than me and I’m slowing him down”, they can really take all the time they need, to grow at their own pace.

^ Growing together

Virgil and Roman’s is not a one-sided relationship, in which one knows more than the other and helps the other reach his level: since they are on the same level, if one of them learns something new, then it’s a victory for them both, because the other will be motivated to do more/learn more as well.

This isn’t just something I think, but something we saw in canon. During AA-part 2, Roman clearly stated that Virgil “make us... better”, thus implying that Virgil acted as a motivator for him.

Then we had FWSA and here we saw this sentence applied the other way around: Roman was the motivator and, thanks to him, Virgil overcame his own anxiety to push Thomas towards Nico. The final result was a victory for them both: Roman got the romance he’s desperately craving, Virgil found out a new aspect of himself: his bravery.

^ The romantic possibility

These two are a walking “enemies to friends to lovers” trope, so I don’t think there’s anything else to add XD

Only that they would both be quite passionate. One is Thomas’ romantic side, the other is heavily influenced by emotions: if the good one takes Virgil, he would probably be a very passionate partner.

______________________________

Two couples I understand

Janus and Remus -> I understand the appeal of this one and it would kinda make sense, especially from Remus’ point of view. Remus has (probably) sexual fantasies about anything, so I wouldn't be too surprised if he has a whole collection of sexual fantasies about the Side who is closest to him.

But also, I see them too much like father and son/bestest friends to imagine them having a romantic relationship.

So my take is more like that: Remus has sexual fantasies about Janus, just like he has sexual fantasies about anyone. They are his way to show his affection, how much he cares about Janus and wants to protect him.

But Remus is Remus and he's prone to lose control. That's why, since he reached adolescence and started to develop the sexual aspect, Janus put clear limits that give Remus enough space to express his fantasies, but never past a certain point.

So Remus can be very touchy (because, well, he's Remus) and extremely physical in showing his affections, but never go below a certain point. He can talk in full details about all his sexual fantasies to Janus, but never try to sexually force him. He can try to seduce him or propose sexual things, but never pretend he will accept.

And so, over time, it became a sort of internal joke between them: Remus tells his fantasies at the breakfast table, while Janus rolls his eyes with a "very interesting", they have a laugh, they keep going with their day. Remus wants to cuddle, Janus will cuddle. Remus proposes sex, Janus will just laugh and give him a forehead kiss.

In other words, they are the kind of friends who you can find sprawled on a couch, one on top of the other and imagine they're a couple, while that's just how they read a book together.

Logan and Roman -> This couple isn’t bad at all and I really like the idea of these two having a sorta-romantic crush on each other. It can lead to a lot of poetic/romantic possibilities.

The only problem is: Logan is logic, therefore he would destroy all the romance with one sentence XD and the romantic, poetic scene evoked would turn into these two arguing like madmen.

So, well, maybe the hate-sex would be great, but they would definitely spend too much time arguing. Still, I am very curious about it, so I will keep searching for stuff about them.

[somnianus]

On Chinese and Eastern Dramatic Acting vs Western

Part 1    Part 2

Mostly in ref to the Untamed/Word of Honor, but applies to a lot of East Asian works-

I’ve been getting the sense that people I know from the west (also being Asian-American myself) often interpret Chinese/Japanese/Korean drama and theatre to be too corny/cheesy/over-acted. A quick search on some internet forums confirms this. Maybe it’s because I used to watch a lot of C-dramas when I was a kid (Legend of the Condor Heroes/Return of C Heroes/Journey to the West/The Reincarnated Princess/etc), I personally did not notice that the acting was over the top. 

I don’t really speak for the quality of acting of these actors because I barely follow them in their careers, but I do know that some of them are immature actors or don’t have much formal training (which may cause the cheesiness above). However, Eastern dramatic acting in general does seem like a common complaint, so I decided to look into it - this is all coming from someone who JUST recently got back into watching C-dramas btw, doing my own research so don’t mind me if there’s some incorrect things down here, I am by NO means at all an expert in drama and theater (lol):

^Villains are often depicted with very exaggerated facial expressions (Above, Xue Yang, The Untamed)

Part 1

1. Chinese concept of mo vs western equivalent of “mimesis” or “imitation”

From this, an excellent chapter on Chinese theatrical concepts vs Western concepts.

Mo plays a significant part in traditional Chinese theatre, usually held to be antithetical to the realism of Western theatre because of its emphasis on theatricality. 

Mo means mimesis or imitation, but in a very different sense from the Western concept. One of the first Chinese scholars to use this term, Fu Sinian, used it to compare Western theatre to Chinese theatre:

Presenting a real event and performing an entertaining show are not compatible. The former emphasizes imitation (yige zhong mofang^b); the latter stresses spontaneity and entertainment. The former performance produces a lifelike image; the latter has nothing to produce. The former puts emphasis on the plot; the latter puts emphasis on theatricality. Therefore they are completely contradictory to one another.

This guy actually goes onto critique Chinese theater, saying it should be more like Western realism, so that there will “be no singing, and the acting will imitate people’s real gestures.” However! Other Chinese critics tried to approach Western vs traditional Chinese drama as two DIFFERENT but still valid forms of art. For example, Yu Shangyuan (1927) said western performance is “writing realistically” (xie shi) and chinese performance as “writing suggestively” (xie yi). Western dramas really rely on an accurate/semi-accurate representation of life and realism. Traditional Chinese drama and acting relied on the “symbolic and imaginative.”

Then what is mo? It is the emotional display, the emotional revelation, that is shown on stage. Starting from the Yuan dynasty, the Chinese drama was thought to be a continuation of poetry rather than its own independent stage art.

Poetry is where the intent of the heart goes. Lying in the heart, it is “intent”; when uttered in words, it is “poetry.” When an emotion stirs inside, one expresses it in words; finding this inadequate, one sighs over it; not content with this, one sings it in poetry; still not satisfied, one unconsciously dances with one’s hands and feet. [anonymous, 1975, from Shi Daxu 200 BCE]

Chinese drama with dancing and singing, was the most expressive product of poetry. The importance of mo cannot be stressed enough - it is the measure by which traditional Chinese drama was judged, how well this drama make you feel? Love, pain, loss, guilt, happiness? Plot becomes something that doesn’t matter as much (more on that later).

^Beijing/Peking Opera - highly stylized, emotive, “unrealistic” performances

To emphasize how central and important this concept is, it’s thought that a good Chinese playwright never fails to “seize a highly dramatic scene to stage an elaborate presentation of an emotional state.”

Love is of source unknown, yet it grows ever deeper. The living may die of it, by its power the dead live again. [Peony Pavilion, Mu dan ting]

This quote really shows how important it was to show these emotions on stage, to inspire the audience to feel deeply. Chinese critics believed that the best part about drama was how efficient it is to display emotion. Playwrights should “depict extreme bitterness, extreme happiness, extreme silliness, and extreme sobriety; imitate these feelings to the utmost (miao mo jin xing^p).”

Such performances are not necessarily accurately mimicking reality, but they are obtained through the “revelation” of a character’s internal emotional world.

2. Mo vs the depiction of reality or theatrical truth

The Chinese concept of aesthetic truth relates a lot to theatrical truth. In a lot of traditional Chinese art, painting, poetry, etc, aesthetic truth is not empirical, and doesn’t have to be accurate to life, or realistic. It’s a “truth that lies beyond mere superficial likeness.”

To the Chinese artist, an accurate resemblance between art and reality is not only superficial but often distorting. Chinese artists hold a dialectical view on the “form” (xing) and the “spirit” or “content” (shen) of an artistic object. According to them, xing  and shen are not always complementary. On the contrary, they often stand in opposition to one another. (referenced in the chapter above)

Traditional Chinese artists would rather represent the object with the wish that their representation matches its spirit, or abstract identity, than its actual form because a “photographic image is a shallow image.” It’s easy to draw a picture of something realistically, but it’s much harder and more satisfying to depict its nature, its feeling, its spirit.

This also naturally affects theater and dramatic performances.

Dramatic writing can be divided into two types: “a painting-like work” or a “transformed work,” in which the latter has higher artistic value because it reaches more towards the essence of dramatic object. Realistic imitations are fine, but they’re not really enough to reveal the mo or true feelings of something.

In addition, traditional Chinese dramatists believe that “all dramas are nothing but allegories. One need not ask about their origins in actual life.” You might be able to see, then, that these older playwrights and critics really fancied the overdramatic depictions of emotions.

a. The Chinese notion of theatrical truth/aesthetic truth vs European

Onto what we, as part of the Western audience, are more used to:

For Italian neoclassical critics, the pleasure of a drama hinges  on how accurate, how realistic, the depiction is. Castelvetro, the leading Italian Neo-Classical critic and creator of the concept of “the three unities,” claims thus:

We cannot imagine a king who did not exist, nor attribute any action to him.

Another Italian critic, Robortellus, said that a creative/imaginative story with no “verisimilitude” (truthfulness, in this context, realism) is less appealing than one that imitates a real-life event:

Thus if a tragic plot contained an action which did not really take place and was not true, but was represented by the poet himself in accordance with verisimiltude, it would perhaps move the souls of the auditors, but certainly less.

So basically, it’s fundamentally the opposite of Chinese theater. Italian dramatic works prized being realistic, being properly adapted from reality and real events. Chinese dramatic works, however, enjoyed the emphasis on heartfelt emotional demonstrations, or mo. Even in critical writings, the word “truth” is used, but it is usually used to modify the word “heart” or “emotion.” It is very concerned with the internal, the truthfulness of heartfelt emotional expression.

Taken these contexts, you can see why the Chinese stage/dramas are wholly “unreal” as Tao-Ching Hsu puts it. Everything, the makeup, the costumes, the props, is expressive and suggestive rather than imitative.

b. Bejing/Peking Opera, jingju

A famous example is the Beijing/Peking Opera, jingju. The makeup and costumes themselves are fantastical representations. The colors and patterns suggest different moods, temperaments, characters, and even changes in emotions. Actors would make distinct movements to depict distinct emotions with varying levels of energy. The stage itself may be sparse, because it is not as important as the expression of emotion and drama. 

The stage is sparse not because of the lack of technology or funding, but because it leaves room for the actor themselves to fully express their internal thinking/feeling/emotions. Characters can cross hundreds of miles in a few steps or may take the whole stage to cross a supposed road. This representation looks “unreal” to a realistic-minded audience, but it is very genuine to a Chinese audience.

Summary (so far)

This crucial understanding of the concept of mo (the emotional revelation), and the way traditional Chinese drama depicts life and stories, informs how their modern works are also portrayed. Coming from a Western dramatic background, where realism and plot are the most important aspects of a work, it can be very confusing, right? Even Chinese scholars began to judge their own dramatic works through a Western lens.

How does this traditional background affect modern Chinese dramas and works? I think it still has a very large effect, even though much of Western ideals about dramatic works have been heavily integrated into modern Chinese dramas.

Part 2: On Theatricality and how it transfers into Chinese Cinema

[peaceoutofthepieces]

Here’s what I have done of that other fic I started. I want to make it a much longer one-shot, and I will if anyone likes it. It’s based on this post that has stuck with me for ages, but I only really started thinking about recently.

~^~

Lucas didn’t know what to expect.

Realistically, he didn’t think his parents were suited to this type of responsibility. His dad made the indisputable point that they could do with the extra money. Lucas didn’t bother telling him that might not work out if the student left them within a week. They could barely take care of their own child, and yet they thought it was a perfect idea to bring another into the house.

Well, not exactly a child. He couldn’t decide if that fact was better or worse. Lucas got along fine with people; he had a good group of friends, and most of their classmates liked him. He could mesh with people he had just met at parties or the skatepark or even school. Acquaintances were easy to make. People his age didn’t really scare him.

Maybe he didn’t have the best confidence around pretty boys. But none of them scared him as much as Kes, and Kes was his best friend, so he thought he was probably doing pretty well in that case, too.

He wasn’t sure how living with someone else his age (and a stranger at that) would be. His confidence and his comfort levels were feeling low. Someone from another country, someone that he’d have to live with and go to school with and exist with on a very regular basis—that was a little frightening. That had Lucas feeling unprecedented levels of stress in the week before the exchange student arrived.

It didn’t help that they ended up being the most beautiful boy Lucas had ever seen.

~^~

Lucas could admit on sight that Jens Stoffels was one of those pretty boys that left him tongue-tied and sweaty-palmed any time he was forced to interact. Which, considering their situation, happened to be quite often. On the other hand, he didn’t want to admit that Jens Stoffels scared him more than Kes. (But Lucas was starting to think he most certainly did.)

He had been standing in the hallway, lingering awkwardly, when his father had opened the door for the first time. He caught sight of the tall boy with the dark hair and sharp jaw and instantly felt his breath catch. He watched the boy stumble through a greeting, a clunky mister-and-surname hello that was met with a too enthusiastic response of, “Please, call me Hugo. You must be Jens.”

Lucas didn’t have the strength to tease his father that of course, this was Jens, they’d been expecting him for the past month. He was too busy staring to do much of anything else. He had no right, in the moment, to tease anyone.

Then Jens’s eyes met his, and Lucas watched him falter.

Then Jens smiled, and Lucas was gone.

Hugo took it as a reminder to beckon his son forward and urge him to take Jens’s bags. They both ignored Jens’s protests, which trailed off rather abruptly when Lucas’s fingertips traced the back of his hands when grabbing the handles.

Lucas didn’t think he imagined the way Jens’s breath hitched as he glanced up at the boy, but he didn’t know what to do with it. The moment went ignored.

“Hey,” Jens greeted, low and hesitant, and Lucas realised he was scowling.

It was easy to soften his expression in the face of Jens’s nerves, but it was harder than he expected to smile. The horde of butterflies in his stomach and buzz of static in his head left him able to do little more than nervously lick his lips and nod. “Hey.”

“This is Lucas,” his father introduced him, as oblivious to his son’s state as ever. “He’ll show you to his room. We have your bed already set up, and he cleared some space. I hope you really don’t mind sharing.”

Jens offered Lucas another smile, wider than the first. “No, I really don’t mind.”

~^~

Jens took in the bunk beds with a mixture of confusion and amusement. He glanced over at Lucas. “I thought you were an only child?”

“I am.” Lucas gestured vaguely. “It’s for—we changed it.”

“You went out and bought bunk beds?”

Lucas couldn’t help but smile slightly, now. “Well, I didn’t, no.”

Jens’s cheeks reddened, and he shifted the bag he still held onto to his other hand. “You know what I mean. Your parents.”

Lucas shrugged. “Another separate bed wouldn’t have fit. It doesn’t—you don’t mind, do you? I’ve been sleeping on the bottom, but we changed the sheets so you can take whichever—“

“Cool,” Jens cut him off, tossing his bag onto the top bunk and then hoisting himself up onto it. He barely avoided knocking his head into the ceiling. He raised his brows at Lucas. “Cosy.”

“Seriously, you can take the bottom.”

“I certainly can.” Jens nodded his agreement, and the glimmer in his eyes made Lucas shuffle on his feet. “But if it’s where you’d rather be, I won’t argue.”

Lucas stared at him for a moment, then realised he was doing it and quickly dragged his gaze away as Jens became more amused. He cleared his throat. “Okay,” he said loudly, ignoring Jens’s grin. “Cool. I can, uhm, show you the rest of the house, if you want.”

Jens nodded and lithely took two steps down the ladder to the floor. “Cool,” he repeated.

~^~

Dinner was a less awkward affair than Lucas expected. His mother was doing well and seemingly intent on proving it, brushing off Lucas’s offers of help and glaring at his looks and questions. He could tell Jens adored her instantly, and seemed more comfortable referring to her as Tess than he was using Hugo. Lucas had to admit, though, that his father was also on his best behavior, and Lucas himself was probably the most awkward person at the table.

It was just that, Jens was right beside him, the chairs tucked so close together at the small table that Lucas could feel his radiating warmth. He held himself stiffly in place so as not to lean towards it, and felt silly and uncomfortable in doing so.

“Are you nervous about starting on Monday, Jens?” Hugo asked, cutting through his food with half of his attention.

Tess huffed. “Of course he is. But that’s normal. And he’ll have Lucas looking after him.”

Jens didn’t seem to mind being spoken for. He glanced over at Lucas again instead, and Lucas diverted his gaze, cheeks flushing. He wasn’t, however, overly embarrassed. Jens had snuck just as many sideways looks at him.

“Actually,” Lucas said, then had to clear his throat. “You skate, right? I saw you brought a board.”

Jens nodded. “A little.”

“I was thinking we could go to the park tomorrow. You can meet Kes and Jayden.”

Hugo snorted, and Lucas shot him an unimpressed look. “What?” he demanded.

“No, nothing, nothing,” Hugo said, hasty. “It’s just a funny choice, if your goal is not overwhelming him on his first day here.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “He’ll be fine.” Then, to Jens, “Really, they’re cool. Just a little excitable. You’ll be fine.”

Jens nodded again and smiled, small and secretive. “Sure. You’ll be looking after me, right?”

Lucas smiled down at his plate.

~^~

Lucas still hadn’t fully realised how awkward it would be until they were expected to go to bed. It became fairly obvious when he was standing lost in his own bedroom and Jens started stripping in front of him.

He made a noise in his throat, high and startled, and quickly looked away from sturdy shoulders and lithe legs. He curled his hands into fists and crossed his arms over his stomach, breathing carefully. After a second, he realised standing there like this was probably worse, and forced himself to move to his wardrobe, digging through the drawers for something to sleep in. When he turned around with a worn t-shirt and sweats, Jens was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and staring at him.

“Sorry,” Jens said, curious. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Lucas shook his head. “No,” he tried, then cleared his throat. “I just wasn’t…” He shook his head. “Why would I be uncomfortable?”

Jens eyed him for a moment, then shrugged. “Some people prefer their privacy. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He scratched at his arm, then added, “I hope you don’t feel put out. It’s probably weird opening your space like this.”

“It’s weird for you, too, isn’t it? You just got here,” Lucas shrugged again. He was being a terrible host. He was being terribly obvious.

“I mean, yeah. The whole thing is stressing me out more than I expected,” Jens admitted, laughing slightly. Lucas was terrible. “But I guess—I don’t really do awkward? I know we’re supposed to be a good match. So I guess I came with the idea already in my head that we’d be friends.”

Lucas stared at him.

Jens shifted awkwardly and gave a dry, lopsided smile. “But I guess it’s not the same on your side.”

“No,” Lucas blurted. Then, realising how that sounded, rushed to explain himself. “No, I—I hoped we’d be friends, too. We will be. I mean, I still want to be. Friends. You’re cool. It’s just that we only met, and it’s like, right into the deep end. But there’s nothing to say we won’t be friends.”

He was rambling. Of course. Jens didn’t do awkward, and Lucas was being the most awkward person on the planet. That wasn’t the way this was supposed to go.

How was this supposed to go again?

He’d never had a plan to start with, but considering all thoughts fled his mind at the first sight of Jens, he doubted it would have been much help. He was a mess.

And they’d just met.

Despite everything, Jens seemed pleasantly amused by his disastrous attempts at connecting. There was a lovely curl to his lips and an adorable tip of his head as he returned, “Okay. Good.”

He sounded so genuinely relieved, so contented at the thought of Lucas agreeing on his hopes of friendship, that Lucas couldn’t help but smile back.

Then Jens added, “Better to keep my pants on, though? At least until there’s a little more familiarity in place.”

Lucas wanted to die. He was going to die. Why was he so embarrassing? So clueless and so obvious at the same time? This was only the first day.

Jens could be here for the entire year.

“It’s sexist to assume shoulders are only sexual when they’re women’s,” Lucas said, trying to keep Jens’s jokingly serious tone, and quickly realising the response sounded better in his head. And that it probably didn’t seem all that joking, if his cheeks were as red as they felt.

But Jens laughed, and his eyes sparkled, and Lucas was truly and seriously fucked. Jens wiggled his eyebrows, said, “Can’t argue with that,” and pointedly squeezed Lucas’s shoulder on the way past, and oh no, Lucas was truly and seriously gay, wasn’t he?

Lucas mustered a tiny laugh in return, looking over his shoulder to watch Jens go. His sight caught on the still exposed calves, the dimples in the back of his knees, the ends of strong thighs, the curve of—

He whipped his gaze away and took another careful breath, and Jens simply continued down the hall to the bathroom, oblivious. Lucas stripped off his hoodie, recognising that this was the safest time to change, and told himself to get a grip.

Friends, he thought, with another breath.

Cool.

[djemsostylist]

The Great Dizi List, Part 2

Her Yerde Sen: This one is a romcom, and the first one I have finished. I LOVED it. Remained cute and soft throughout, the main couple was basically together for ¾ of the show, and ended before things got too silly or ridiculous. Even the requisite break-up wasn’t really a breakup, and I liked that the ending wasn’t the typical dizi cliché. Loved all the side characters and their stories, loved how everything was one big connected story throughout. It's one of those feel good shows, where everything just makes you happy and there's no stress or heartache. Excellently written, dealt with some good themes without being over the top. Very innocent story for sure, but it was great, and I would watch again for sure!

Halka: This one is a mafia drama ostensibly, but I'd say it veers more towards a psychological/family drama really. I literally binged this show in a week. It’s the first one that grabbed me from minute one–I could not stop watching. It was FANTASTIC. It’s hard to compare it to SM, but I’d say it comes the closest. If it wasn’t for the fact that it is a 2.5 hour show in a foreign language, I would 100% recommend this to like, everyone I know. I loved all the characters (even the ones I hated), it NEVER dragged, the acting was phenomenal, the story was super interesting, and I LOVED the main bromance and the main romance. Fantastic. I will never get over Cihangir, Kaan, and Müjde, they are my babies and I will love them forever. I didn’t think anyone could come close to my foursome in Meryem, and yet these three exist. And Bahar, she was precious too. I was tempted to turn around and watch it all over again. Now all I want is season 2.

Yeni Hayat: This one is another family/psychological drama. Essentially about a woman married to a rich but super abusive man, and her body guard and his family. This show is one of those shows where are the elements are there--good plot, great actors, solid writing, good sets, but it just...flops. The subject of abuse is an important one, and I liked what I think they were trying to say, but there as no sparkle, nothing that grabs you it’s just very meh. I mean, tbh it’s worth watching at least the bits with bodyguard and his daughter bc she is a delightful little actress and they are so cute together, but everything else is a pass tbh. It was extremely blah, and since it got cancelled it has no ending. Serkan is still pretty tho.

Muhteşem İkili: This one is a cop dramedy, but it's honestly more of a family drama. I ADORED this show. Like, loved loved loved it. In the interest of honesty, I did not watch literally any of the police plot, I literally just watched it for MKC and his family. It’s a Kerem drama, so of course he was flawless. MKC is basically like if Ali and Serkan had a baby, and I adored him from minute one. His relationship with his son is beautiful, and I adored Kaan so much. I also loved his relationship with his ex-wife–they might have one of the most respectful, mature, and realistic relationships I’ve seen on tv, let alone in dizis. Loved his sister (Özge Gürel was adorable in this) and his relationship with his partner and his dad were great. Beautiful found family trope, and overall just fantastic acting. Cancelled after only 12 episodes so I had a minor meltdown lol, but I’d highly recommend–you can literally just watch the parts with MKC and his family or his sister and get all you need.

Immortals: Look, I’ve watched a lot of things for an actor I’ve loved, and this is no exception. This was bad. I love Kerem, but this is gonna be a whole yikes from me. (Tbf I also watched two of his more recent movies which were also bad). Like…maybe I am just not here for vampires anymore idk.

Azize: This one was also ostensibly a mafia drama, but got cancelled at episode 6. Hande was excellent in this, and it was a different kind of role for her I think, which was great. Her character was actually really interesting and I was curious to see where it was going. Unfortunately, the show was terribly written. The script was extremely one note and basic, and literally told you everything so there was nothing to wonder or speculate on. The lead man came off as much, much older than her and they had no chemistry. I didn’t finish episode 4 tbh.

Içerde: This one is another mafia/family drama, mostly focused on the relationship with two brothers (who don't know they are brothers). This was was excellent, but it went on for just about 15 episodes too many. The plot dragged after about 20, and I didn't get enough of the stuff I wanted as a result. But the acting was truly spectacular from the whole cast, and I would recommend on the basis of that alone. Truly, truly excellent writing and acting, and a very satisfying conclusion.

Part 1, Part 3

[fakeloveaskblog]

Janus, have you and Remus hung out other then when you go to fake therapy? You should ask him out? Keep it open, maybe not outright ask him for a date but to hang out!

(Words: 2140)

Janus: "Oh you know me anon. I am so totally known for asking people to hang out. Yes me and Remus have been eeeverywhere together /s No we have never hung out.......But I suppose you have been very wise so far. So I shall try and go ut of my comfort zone and ask him he would like to spend time together"

They were in that same spot they always stood after the fake therapy. Where they were supposed to part ways. Remus had his phone out, checking the bus times. Janus knew he had to say something now or else yet another week would pass and he would never have the courage to ask.

"Do ehm is you- fuck-" Janus wanted to smash his head open on a rock. He was a idiotic mess who couldn't even say a simple sentence.

"What?" Remus looked at him with a smile. Jan swore he had specifically practiced that smile so it made him melt internally every single time.

"Do you maybe possibly have anything to do today?"

"Oh yeah all booked up with exorcising demons out of old ladies' houses. you know how it is!" He let out a short screechy laugh "Come on Snakey y'know I don't have a job or any plans on robbing banks right now. Of course I'm free!"

"Noted. Then I am totally not asking you to perhaps do something like going to the movies?"

Remus' eyes widened and he shone up into a huge toothy smile "YES!" He grabbed Janus' hand while flapping with his other hand "You gotta be psychic or something! I've been wanting to see this movie made by a director I'm hyperfixating on but I didn't wanna go alone and my sister is still out of town SO this is great!!"

He didn't waste another second. He dragged Janus with him as he began to very quickly walk while continuing to stim.

All Janus could do was stare at their hands. Their palms pressed against each other. His love's thumb brushing up and down his skin. He had never been happier over forgetting his gloves at home.

His cheeks stayed rosy red the entire walk. It was like walking on air. He didn't even realize Remus was still speaking until they got the cinema.

"-And that's why I thought it would have been better if the hamster had died!" He concluded.

".............Fascinating" Janus replied hoping it was a good answer.

"I know right!"

He looked down and realized they were still holding hands. His happy expression instantly dropped as he let go of Janus like he was made of fire.

"Oh fuck buckets! I should have asked if you were okay with like ehhh touch beforehand! Now you're gonna cut my head off!" Remus gasped out.

"Indeed, I do now hate you and I have already hired an assassin to kill you" Janus replied sarcasticly "It's okay, I promise"

Remus let out a breathe of relief in the most cartoon balloon leaking air way possible. "Neat!"

It was 3 pm on a Thursday so there weren't any people in line. Remus didn't even give his friend a chance to pay for his own ticket. He also got a big ass popcorn and a bag of eyeball candies.

He dumped the snacks into the arms of Janus as his eyes caught on a poster on the wall advertising another movie. He jumped up and down while pointing at it, like the excitement was too much to be contained in his body.

"It's my sister! She told me she would be in this one!" The poster didn't show the actresse's face since she had on a cloke to look dark and myserious (tm) "That's her I swear on the last human tooth I have!"

"I believe you. You could be her perfect stunt double"

Remus shoot his arms out "That's what I've been saying too!!! You really are a psychic! Being a stunt double is literally the dream job! I get to pretend to be killed in so many ways! I get to jump off of buildings!! Sadly she mostly does dramas and romances and all that boring stuff"

"Well I for one would love seeing you get stabbed on film" He held his hand over his heart as he said it.

"Omg snakey!! Thank you!! Means a lot!"

He had that wide smile on his lips again. Janus wished he was able to make him smile like that every day.

"Oh the movie is starting soon! Ahhhh exciting! Horror really is the best genre!"

Janus paled "Horror?"

"Yeah! I told you all about the movie on the way here remember? You're okay with horror right?"

"O-Of course! I have watched halloween alien on elm street like 5 times!" He lied.

Remus chuckled "Sure sounds like it"

They went into the screening room. Ads were running on the big screen. They were the only ones there. Remus found their seats right at the back in a corner. He sat down and triumphantly put his feet on the seat in front of him.

"Look at that snakey! We've got the whole room to ourselves! Only...."

His eyes suddenly stopped and shifted to stare out into air. His happy expression slowly disappeared leaving a hollow look on his face. He moved his legs up to his chest and sat completely still.

".....Only us......"

Janus slumped down in the seat next to his. Remus leaned away in his seat so he was further from his friend.

"Indeed. I could poison you and no one would be here to stop me. But I won't...yet" He hoped a joke would make his love lighten up again.

Remus forced a halfhearted smile "Sure that"

The movie started. Janus was already stress eating popcorn from fear by the time the first scene had ended. Which only made him even more stressed over making Remus think he was a fat gluttonous disgusting mess! Which he was! But he didn't want him to know that!!

Whenever he glanced over to Remus he looked just the same, As if the movie was fucking mamma mia or something.

He didn't want to seem unclassy and close his eyes like a 5 year old so he tried to comb his hair in front of his eyes instead. He couldn't stop his racing heartbeat or his unsteady hands though. He didn't do well to loud sounds. Or screaming voices.

He jumped in his chair at an extra gory scare. The popcorn landed all over his body. His cheeks went red enough to be mistaken for a ladybug.

Remus glanced over at him "You don't have to hide that you're scared y'know. The audience reaction is like half the fun"

"Me? Scared? I haven't felt scared since I buried a body in 1967! This is just how I show my appreciation for movies!" He blurted out the lie in a panic.

His love threw his head back as he let out a loud laugh. He couldn't stop as he buried his head in his hands. His shoulders moved in rhytm to his giggles. It seemed to calm his nerves a bit.

"Holy shit snakey that was such a horrible lie! You're such a dork! I say that with affection I promise"

Janus couldn't help but chuckle along "Dork actually means something really dirty. I know since I was practically married to my dictionary when I was youn-"

"WHALE PENIS! I know!! You're the first one who also knows!"

"I suppose that means we're soulmates now" Janus couldn't help but say it.

"Penis soulmates!"

Janus sighed "Yes"

In the movie a man's torso was ripped from his body. Remus flapped his hands. Janus let out a quiet whimper.

"I could infodump a bit if that would make you less scared"

Janus leaned closer to respond but Remus instantly flinched back. He made sure to keep keeping his distance "I would love to hear"

He shone up into a smile. It wasn't quite as carefree and happy as the other ones but it was still his smile and Janus had caused it. It made him feel warm.

He started rambling about the director's other movies and how the themes tied in with this movie. About how the director had studied to be a doctor so he know enough about biology to make all of the gore extra realistic. About how the movie soundtrack's added to the scare even though they were often silly. All while stimming. Sometimes he went quiet to focus on the film while Janus curled in on himself and closed his eyes.

Honestly Janus could have heard him go on for hours but sadly the movie eventually ended. And they eventually got out of the cinema. And eventually the snacks the shared while sitting on a bench outside also ended. And the conversation died out.

It was only around 5 pm but the sky had already started to darken. The streetlamps were getting lit one by one, and a few people were standing in line for the next movie. Janus feared having to say goodbye.

Luckily he didn't have to as Remus quietly asked "Could you like follow me home? The apartement is only 15 minutes and a minor murder spree away"

"Of course!" He replied a bit too excitedly.

He made sure to not walk too close as to not make him flinch again. Remus started to subconsciously hymm on a song after some time of silence. Janus couldn't stop feeling over the moon at the fact that he was hanging out with someone! And he seemed to like him!! And he was in love with him no less!!!

"Snakey I think I gotta admit something kinda dorky-"

"Is it the murder in 1967? We've all been there"

"Actually it was in 1987. Okay but really.....The only friends I've ever really had has been my sister and my ex, and some online friends here and there I guess but we lost contact really quickly. What I mean is that I'm really rusty on this whole friend thing and I'm just glad that you don't get annoyed by my infodumping or stimming or....or the whole me!"

Janus' eyes widened and he slowly let up into a laugh "Oh! Oh I have been so worried for nothing then! I've never had any friends, at all! This was literally the first time I ever went to a movie with another person! We're the same!"

Remus giggled "We really are penis soulmates!"

"I am begging you to not let that become a thing"

"Too late! It already is! We're both friendless dorks you motherfucker!! Of course we're penis soulmates!"

Janus sighed "I am suddenly so glad we are close to your place so I can get away from you.....That was a lie"

Remus lightly punched his shoulder "Better be. Or else I'd have to kidnap you!"

He stopped in front of a series of building of obviously quite glamorous apartements. Janus was honestly starting to wonder if he had a sugar daddy and or sold drugs. Or else he had no idea how he could afford all of this.

They stopped right in front of the entrance. Remus crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. Janus fiddled with his sleeves. Neither of them wanted to say goodbye.

Janus shuly glanced at his love's face. His birtmarks which he so wanted to press kisses to. His fluffy hair he would love to nuzzle into. His full lips which he thought about running his finger over every time he looked at them. He was beautiful. Just beautiful.

"Sooo....I guess I will either see you in hell or in fake therapy next week?" Remus asked.

"For sure"

He awkwardly opened the door "Well I will see you then then!" He did fingerguns "Bye penis soulmate!"

Janus rolled his eyes while waving "Bye.....phallus companion!"

The door closed and he was left in the silence. It took a few second and then

"YES! OH I did it! I survived! Aphrodite would be so proud of me!!"

Janus had to sit down. He was going to explode. He couldn't stop moving his hands around. He was going to pass out. He had never been happier. He deserved a whole soup bowl of ice cream.

He took off his beanie to drag his hand through his hair. He felt breathless from happiness as he stared up at the sky. He had never felt more in love.

He looked at where he imagined you would stand if you had a corporeal body.

"So I suppose your advice worked quite well. It did sound like he wanted to hang out again...So anon....or whatever voice that is in my head that asks me things......Do you have any suggestions on what we should do on our next hangout?"

[obeymeaskme]

Obey Me!: Human and Demon hearts!

A/N: I've been working on a Fanfic for Obey me with a close friend of mine. It takes place after the game, and possibly in a AU. Each of my chapters are about 10 pages long, so I have split them up into sections for everyone! Please enjoy!

Chapter one: The Arrivals (1/2)

Word Count: 1,530

Rating: 18+

The world is an ever changing place. Some make a fair living, and others struggle with the flex and flow of life. Yet there were still opportunities left for two young girls looking for respite from their previous lives. Noelle, a short pudgy, artistic type who was the one to suggest moving to the countryside. Bella, Noelle’s long term friend who was searching for work, had agreed due to the open jobs in the town they had settled into. Even with their seemingly bright future, the skies above their trailer grew darker by the minute. It seemed almost unnatural to them. Noelle had paused outside while helping unpack boxes into the house. She looked up at the sky to stare at the shifting clouds, and shuddered when she caught a glimpse of lightning whip through the clouds.

“I know we're nowhere close to tornado alley out here, but I swear if these creepy clouds mean there's a storm coming, I'm not going to be happy...”

Bella laughed and stole the boxes from her hands, taking what was left of the packages.

“If you're that scared don't stand outside, silly!”

Soon enough the air was thick with humidity, and the girls made their way inside. Noelle began stretching as Bella took a seat on a stray bean bag chair and began to complain.

“I don't know what's gonna suck more. Unpacking, or trying to find our beds. I'm so tired...”

“I'm tired too. We did bring a blow up mattress. I can get that going, and one of us can hoard the bean bags...” Noelle responded with a flat tone.

“You want to sleep on the bean bags don't you?” Bella playfully accused.

Noelle gave no verbal response, and opted for just nodding as she rummaged through the boxes for the air pump and mattress.

Later on in the evening they unpacked most of the Tupperware, ate their dinner, and unfolded their bedding; Creating a small space for temporary living. In the corner of boxes they had placed a kindle that was playing a news station. Noelle had given a second shudder as the Anchor explained that the dark purple clouds was just a rare occurrence, only lasting a few days. Even when pronounced that the possible storm wasn't deadly, the atmosphere felt like it was about to crack. Furthering the girl's concerns.

Bella had crawled out of her makeshift bed, and found a box labeled “Bella's Stuffed Animalz”. The 'Z' was scrawled over the 'S' in an attempt of a joke done by her current roommate. Dumping out the contents, an armful of cow plushies, and a realistic seal squishy covered her bed. Tossing the seal towards Noelle's way she stroke up conversation about their new life. The longer they chatted, the more they yawned until finally both girls had fallen asleep. Unaware of what the next few days will bring.

Morning came, and so did the sun, but instead of golden rays, the previous forecast had turned the world around then into a filter of purples and blues. The same news station played in the background as the girls continued their adventure in unpacking boxes. After the morning had dragged on, a break was in order. It was a new day, and most of the boxes had dispersed. A sign of their hard work. Hard work that Noelle decided was to be rewarded with a trip to the nearby town. Begrudgingly Bella had agreed, and the two made their way down the road. The Town itself was nothing special. A straight way of small stores, and a handful of side roads that probably lead to other houses. Two Stomachs growled at the sight of a Pizza shop where they chose to spend lunch before they had gone window shopping.

Both the girls were fairly happy with the lack of social introductions, and the short walks to the stores were even better. It was a slow pace that they both ached for after years of past hardships and day to day life. A final destination came about, but only by the sheer magnetic allure the oddity shop had given them. The Purple banner had matched the sky above them, though the clouds seemed as if they were soon about to part. A bell jingled against the door as they walked in. Both in awe that such a store would exist in this kind of town.

The shop was a mix of herbs, Wicca and witch tools, and various other hand crafted items that seemed to sparkle on their own. The further the girls went in, the more drawn to the corner of the store they became. Very quickly they had walked up to a bland bulletin board that was littered in 'Help Wanted' and theater ads. Yet among all the paper clutter, they had both reached out to a paper advertising for a transfer program. The touching of their hands had broken them out of their trace, and they looked at each other, then back to the paper to examine it more.

The ad seemed like it was hung up a millennium ago. Stains and aged finger oils had caused the paper to look ill compared to the others. Yet the black ink border and description seemed fresh, and also most modern.

“Where does one's soul inlay in the human body? The Heart? The Mind? Or the Nature of a human's will and desire for knowledge. Come forth to the Royal Academy of Diavolo! Help Create A Peaceful Change with the Human Soul!

No School-Age-Or Degree Necessary”

Noelle chuckled as she shook her head.

“This sounds more like a cult than an Academy. ‘Cause Diavolo sounds like a cult god...”

As if on cue a creaky old voice spoke from behind them.

“So close, but no dice!”

Chills ran down the girls spine as a hunched over, yet tall elderly woman had seemingly mocked them. A blush ran across Noelle's face, and Bella had shifted from discomfort.

“Oh please, don't get so nervous. I'm only playing around. That ad you read is for a very well and respected school, that not many people get in. Well... half because not many people are interested.”

Noelle had shaken off her nerves and read the ad again, taking an application form from the packet. She considered it, and then took a second one.

“there's no number to call...”

“The RAD is a bit old fashioned, but that's precisely why they're good at what they do. Yet they somehow manage to barely hit the mark for modern day technology. I know the headmaster personally, and I tell you, if you want the experience of a lifetime, I'd risk filling one of those out.”

The Woman didn't leave. She seemed to be waiting for an answer. Only when the girls told her they'd think about it, did they get to exit the shop, and walk away from the old ladies tracking eyes. To say they got back to their small home as quickly as possible was an understatement.

After they made a beeline to the door, Bella had turned around and locked it. Giving the girls a feeling of satisfactory safety. The house was calm for once, and though the sky above had finally started clearing up Noelle's hand seemed to twitch and itch towards the papers in her bag.

“I... I kind of want to fill one out... Do you?”

“No, not really. You said it yourself, it sounds like a cult...”

“I just looked it up, and the only thing I'm finding out is that Diavolo means Devil...”

It was a false, calm, silence and both of their tangled up nerves returned as they laughed. Only to try and relieve stress. Bella shook her head and took one of the applications, and scoffed.

“I'll fill it out, but it's not like we're going to actually send them. There's not even a return address on these.”

Noelle read her paper over and over again. Bella was right. It was a basic form with Name, Number, past Achievements, and a whole other list of personality questions. The Academy symbol wasn't even on it. It came down as a simple prank to them. That woman might just be trying to scare them off. Maybe the town had a hallmark type of thing against newcomers? It didn't matter. No, now they had begun filling out the papers as a joke. They took the questions seriously. Noelle wanted to mock “Diavolo” since he'd never receive those papers. And he'd never get to read them. Soon after finishing the applications, they had thrown them out after tearing them up, and reminisced about the achievements written on the papers. Poking fun of their personality assessments telling them both that they were likely candidates.

Dusk had taken over the day, and the clouds had finally cleared. Signaling another day has gone by, and sleep once again took over the household. Leaving behind a finished home, and two cautious sleepers.

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[rbbalmung]

Pokemon SwSh GPL AU: Get to know _____

I mentioned yesterday that I would go more into why I like Bea and Bede as a pair, and this is how I’ll do it! Quick notes for newcomers: I’ve aged up the main cast a bit so instead of being 10-12, they’re 16-17 (as an adult, I cannot fathom a 10 year old living on their own for a year). I head cannon Bede as 17 and Bea as 18, so they’re only about a year apart in age. I think I’m gonna call them Pinkpunchshipping? Thoughts? I’m open to workshopping the name. 

Original prompt by some-imaginative-otp-imagines: 

Get to Know Bea x Bede (Ship name still being determined): 

1: Who spends almost all their money on the other? Bede. 100% Bede. I don’t see Bea as someone who would show affection through gifts, but Bede is the complete opposite. He is constantly bringing her little sweets as pick-me-ups.  

2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap? Bede will sleep with his head in Bea’s lap all the time. It’s hard not to nod off when she’s playing with his fluffy head of hair. 

3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes? Bea, probably, but not in a seductive way? She works out a lot, so it is common for her to come home after a long workout and immediately get out of her sweaty clothes. Bede doesn’t yell at her because he gets too flustered whenever it happens (how these two got together in the first place is a mystery to everyone). 

4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway? Bea is a morning person and Bede is a night person. They’ve tried to adjust it so that they wake up and go to bed together but gave up after an irritable week. As long as Bede is around when Bea goes to sleep and Bea doesn’t wake him up at the crack of dawn, they’re good. 

5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies? Bea can cook one thing and it is ramen. They are damn lucky that Opal forced Bede to learn how to cook, otherwise it would be takeout every night. 

6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”? Neither. Bea is a realist and Bede is an individualist that doesn’t like being compared to other people. 

7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes? On stay-at-home days, Bede will borrow one of Bea’s oversized hoodies to wear (his sense of fashion means he gives up comfort for beauty, so he owns next to no sweats). Bea thinks it’s adorable and teases him all the time for it. 

8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?” Okay, stick with me on this one. I think that they almost always do errands together because, early in their relationship, they would always buy the wrong thing for the other. Going shopping together started as something they had to do as a pair, but now I think it’s just a lowkey way to spend time together. 

9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions? Bea would drive, Bede would give directions. She is better at staying focused for long periods of time and he’s better at planning ahead. 

10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws? Bea would definitely draw Bede. Bea picked up sketching to de-stress from Honey, so it is incredibly likely that Bede would be an eventual model for her (it’s not like she starts sketching him constantly when she recognises her feelings for him and nearly bursts into flames when he finds her sketchbook. That would be silly). 

11: If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips? My first thought was that obviously Bea would be the backflipper, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised Bede would be the backflipper. He is so freaking extra about everything. OF COURSE he would try to show off. 

12: Which one of your OTP overdoes it on the alcohol and which one makes the other stop drinking? Bede is a casual drinker, so his tolerance is pretty high. Bea hardly drinks, so it only takes her about 2 shots to get drunk. Bede tries to get her to take it easy, but if someone (like Raihan) challenges her, she will not back down. There hasn’t been a New Years Eve party that Bede hasn’t carried Bea home. 

14: Which one keeps accidentally using the other’s last name instead of their own? Bea. It takes separation and a lot of long talks for her to realise that her home life was very toxic. The only reason she decides to take Bede’s last name when they get married is to spite her parents. 

15: Which one screams about the spider and which one brings the spider outside? Bede 100% is freaked out by bug pokemon, but he tries to play if off like he isn’t scared.  

16: Which one gives the other their jacket? I feel like it depends on the situation. Space Heater Bea is never cold, so if it’s chilly, Bede is the one getting the jacket. However, Bede will give Bea his jacket as a form of comfort if he senses something is off.  

17: Who keeps getting threatened by the other’s overprotective older sibling (or a similar figure)? Bea is very intimidated by Opal. They are complete opposites when it comes to personality other than their shared competitiveness. Bea is convinced that Opal hates her (Opal actually really likes Bea, she just would rather die than tell her that). 

18: Who’s the first one to admit they have feelings for the other? Oh my god, when I say it took forever for one of them to confess, I mean three whole years of hopeless pining. Neither of them are good at talking about their feelings, so they’ll try to find subtle ways to confess to the other. Unfortunately, they are also as dense as each other when it comes to romance. I think Bede would eventually get so frustrated that he blurts it out, then immediately tries to take it back. Thankfully, Bea was too stubborn to let him. 

19: How good would your OTP be at parenting? Terrible. Absolutely terrible. I think they would definitely try their hardest if it ever happened, but I also don’t really see them having children? 

20: Which one types with perfect grammar and which one types using numbers as letters? Bede = Perfect Grammar. Extra dramatic. Will call someone out if they send him a spelling error. Bea = short, chaotic sentence fragments. Bede tried calling her out on it once but she shut him down real fast. 

21: Who gets attacked by a bully and who protects them? They are both SUPER protective people, so I like to think they take turns. Bea tends to scare them off by fighting them, and Bede destroys people with his words. 

22: Who makes the bad puns and who makes a pained smile every time the other makes a pun? Bede has definitely picked up some dramatics from Opal’s training. Whenever the occasional “pink” pun slips into his sentences, Bea has to try very hard not to comment on it. 

23: Who comes home from work to see that the other one bought a puppy? If Bea finds a stray pokemon, she will hold onto it until it can be returned to its owner. She also catches a lot more fighting pokemon than she will every need and goes camping with them once a week. 6 pokemon Bede cannot relate.   

24: Which one gives the other a piggyback ride when they’re tired? Oh my gosh, neither. It’s not that they wouldn’t give the other a piggy back: Both are too prideful to ask for one, so they mostly just end up leaning heavily on the other until they return home. 

25: Which one competes in some sort of activity and which one does the overzealous cheering? Bea gets waaayy to into Bede’s pokemon matches. She will scream at the TV (or from the audience if she is in Ballonlea that day) until she is hoarse. Bede gets really embarrassed, but it's because he’s flattered. 

26: Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder? Bede. I mentioned earlier that Bea falls asleep faster than Bede (unless his head is on her lap), so he has a secret folder of photos on his phone with the two of them cuddling together. Bea knows he has this folder and will get incredibly flustered if it’s brought up. 

27: Which one would give the other a makeover if they asked? BEDE. He wants nothing more than to give his sporty girlfriend a high fashion makeover. Bede thinks she’s beautiful, of course, but he just wants to see what it would look like. One year on his birthday, she humors him and he is BUZZING WITH EXCITEMENT.

28: Which one owns a pet that the other is absolutely terrified of? Bede is super intimidated by some of Bea’s pokemon. (Bea is intimidated by his type advantage against her, but that’s different). 

29: Which one holds the umbrella over both of them when it rains? Bede. He’s taller and insists on being a gentleman. 

30: If your OTP went on vacation, where would they go and what would they do? Who would take the pictures? I feel like they would go to Kalos. Bede would insist they visit the boutiques while Bea made sure they hiked in the mountains. Bede would take the pictures, but Bea would sketch a lot. 

[fashion-fitness-fantasy]

6 Weeks Into My Fitness Journey vs. 6 Weeks Into My Quarantine

I started to use quarantine as an excuse to work on my fitness because despite having so much on my plate to challenge myself mentally, I have nothing physically engaging to do as of now. If I can’t leave my house, then I figure it’s the best time to start trying to lose the weight I gained while being a stressed out student (maybe even go back to my high school dancer self...fingers crossed). There is literally no temptation to eat outside and make unhealthy choices at this point for me, so here goes nothing (it also helps that I live in a home with a family full of vegetarian health nuts, so my options are only healthy at the moment). So, here I am 6 weeks into my fitness journey & my quarantine, and I am 14 pounds lighter, doing yoga everyday relentlessly, and having revelations I didn’t know I needed.

I have gone through nearly 7 straight years of higher education, and still have 3 more to go. First with 3 years of a biology undergrad, then 3 years of PT school, and now 4 more years of medical school. I had so many bumps along the way to getting into medical school and graduating from my other programs, that stress eating became my way of coping with how hard everything had gotten. It had gotten to a point where food was the only solace I had in a world full of monotonous studying, daunting exams, countless failures big & small, and endless critique from professors & admissions administrators, who held the keys to my future in medicine.

Basically, a ruthless education system with a “we’ll gladly break you down, but you’ll have to build yourself back up” philosophy. A system that makes you grovel and beg endlessly, despite all of your merit and hardwork, just to gain access to it...let alone succeed in it. By the end, you’re left in Seligman & Maier’s classic “learned helplessness” state with your self-esteem riddled in the dust. But hey, at least you got the keys to prestige and can feign your stolen dignity by putting Dr. in front of your name. Funny how after knowing the psychological concept, you can still fall prey to it. The only difference is now you know what you’re suffering from, but you have no idea how to bring yourself out of it...which some would argue is worse. But here’s the best part....I brought it all on myself. I could have walked away, but why didn’t I? Oh right! I said it was my dream. Silly me...

So, naturally, the only thing I felt I had in control to make myself happy was food, and I started to gain weight along with my stress. It’s simple math: unhappy/stressed me + fast-food + studying - activity = sedentary unhealthy lifestyle mentally and physically. And one of the first things I learned in PT school, an anthem really: “A sedentary lifestyle will kill you. Movement is medicine.” You can subtract the fast food, and add in activity easily, and you can see results. The problem is to maintain those results and those habits. You have to figure out not only how to subtract the “unhappy/stressed me”, but change it into “happy/balanced me”. I’ve found that this is where most people get lost. Changing a variable in this equation is not as easy as math would make it seem. And, it’s by no means a novel idea. My generation is all about championing mental health. We are all highly aware of the self-care mantra everyone has been touting recently. And yet, having the knowledge to understand it, and being able to use it still proves to be so difficult that most people don’t bother. Or, if they’re anything like me, they start and stop so many times it would make your head spin.

Being a physical therapist and medical student, I feel like an absolute hypocrite. Hell, while going through PT school alone, I felt like an absolute hypocrite. Here I was learning about how to help others maintain not just their fitness, but their health as a whole, and I was directly defying that simple science (and I would dryly laugh with my friends as most of us were guilty of it). But let’s be honest, there is nothing simple about that science. They fool you into thinking its merely just calories in vs. calories out. But, what about the mindset? What about tackling what got someone to that point in the first place? There’s nothing simple about that. They teach us these theories on motivational interviewing and helping someone come to terms with their triggers and setting realistic “SMART” goals. All these theories are fantastic...as theories. Getting yourself to apply them is a whole other battle. And as a PT, getting your patients to apply them, while you yourself find the theories inconceivable, is a layered problem that I don’t even know how to begin to explain. 

When I started quarantine, my body was literally grasping at straws, craving for unhealthy carb-loaded, fried food. I longed for paninis & soups from Panera, large sodas & fries from McDonald’s, burrito bowls from Chipotle, and...well you get the idea. It was a routine for me. Go to school, come back home exhausted, stressed, or defeated from having swallowed the “constructive” (inner me would say crushing) critiques of my professors, and reward myself for my hard day’s work with a fast food meal. In that hour of eating, my misery was sated enough to work for the rest of the day without complaint. It was a system that got me through 7 years of stress. A system I felt guilty about, but don’t worry, because the food quelled that emotion too. At least, it did. Right up until the next morning, when I saw myself in the mirror and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, only to break that promise that very day. Some days I could keep my promise for a week...even two...and then shit inevitably hits the fan. And suddenly (yet not unexpectedly), I find myself needing to eat out just to stop myself from breaking down entirely. Essentially, I always broke my promise. And just like that I tormented myself in this cycle, each year getting just a little bit worse. So subtle that I couldn’t even see what I was doing to myself.

Those broken promises added up not only to my weight gain but a deep mistrust in myself, which of course, showed up in other areas of my life too. I second guessed myself on the people I surrounded myself with, on clinical decisions for my patients, on exams, on whether I was capable of improving on the critiques I was receiving, on who the hell even allowed me into this field in the first place...??? And with each kind person, each correct clinical decision, each passed exam, each improved critique, and each authority figure telling me I belonged, I gained a deeper fear that the fall I was about to take was now going to be from a higher pedestal. In other words, I developed a severe case of imposter syndrome (a silly term my friends and I joke about having but deep down know it’s not really funny at all).

My triggers, my stress, my pain, and my award-winning cynicism aside, I see this quarantine as a universal intervention to give me time to breathe. I see it differently than what I saw it as 6 weeks ago, when I started. No longer a prison, and more a safe haven. A beautiful pause on a once dangerously high speed car chase of a lifestyle.

I still have a long way to go to get my health back to what it was before my years of higher education weighed down on me (figuratively & literally), but writing this is the farthest I have gotten in a very long time. It literally took a pandemic to uproot me from my unhealthy lifestyle, that I had dug myself into over the past 7 years, but I am happy that something good came out of something so horrific. And hopefully, as the pandemic dissipates, and the world resumes some semblance of normalcy, I can take what I’ve learned in this social distancing era with me.

[aplaceforthesoul]

i’ve been having a really hard few months and struggling to live and act how i used to but i feel awful for it because i havent been there for my friends and i’m not the only one who has problems and i feel so selfish for being caught up in what’s wrong with me and well i mean for example a friend of mine is working on recovering from an addiction and i want to help him stop but i keep hitting a wall whenever i try to let myself talk to him it doesn’t happen my head won’t let me it’s like im trapped in my own bubble of what feels safe and i cant leave it and i just feel so awful and useless because i cant help my friends im worried for all of my closest friends and on top of that im just afraid that they wont love me anymore if i keep being so hard to deal with and i just feel awful that that part feels important enough to keep in. i am so afraid about so many things that shouldn’t matter as much as the hard things that can happen to the people i care about and i am afraid by knowing that these things take up my mind and i am afraid that even if no one is trying to directly shut me out i am ruining things with them and for them and i feel like the only thing that will help them is to leave me but i am so afraid of being left alone that i am just trapped here. and i feel like i’m being so over dramatic and i havent been able to have a real conversation with any of my friends not because they’re trying to hurt me but because everyone has so many problems of their own and it’s hard work to deal with someone like me and they don’t say all of that and they truly aren’t being mean to me and it isnt their fault it’s just that i somehow made it to a place where i might stay forever and i’m as bad at asking for help as anybody could be besides sending awfully desperate messages that shouldn’t need a response but still scare me to not ever have one. idk i’m just. really stressed and i feel like as a person i dont know how to deal with so many situations that i should understand by now and i should be able to navigate without falling apart every time i get near them. and i feel Bad About It!!!!

any problems or concerns that you have aren’t stupid at all, not in the slightest, not even a teeny tiny bit. they matter! they really do – just because you think that other people have “bigger problems” doesn’t mean that it cancels out anything else and invalidates issues that you might have. you might not be struggling with an addiction but you’re plainly struggling with other issues instead (such as anxiety), and that does matter. 

I think we can all agree that we have a “responsibility” of sorts to help our friends when they’re in trouble, like that’s part of what it means to be a friend?! however…it’s not your fault if you can’t fix all of your friend’s issues and concerns. that’s exactly why counsellors exist, why therapists who specialise in addiction exist, why psychologists exist?! collectively we as a society have recognised that there are deep and complex issues that need more than just a casual level of support. they’ve gone to school and had years of training to be able to help support people with mental health issues. that’s why training and study exists! because these are not easy and straightforward issues to solve. you can absolutely be there for your friend if they need it, but it’s not realistic to expect yourself to be able to resolve all their issues for them. 

I think when it comes down to it? you’re too hard on yourself, you place yourself under way too much pressure. it’s good to be critical of ourselves at times, that’s what can help us to change and to grow? but statements like “I feel I’m being over dramatic”, “I keep being so hard to deal with”, “I feel selfish for being caught up in what’s wrong with me”….all of these sound so harsh towards yourself ): I know that I don’t know you personally, but being this critical isn’t healthy. you’re only human! and you sound like such a caring and compassionate person, if you find yourself getting caught up with your own worries I think that just shows how terrible and distressing things are for you. 

so what to do now, how to get find some answers and resolve some of this pain and distress? reach out for help, that’s the best advice I can give. I know it’s not easy and I know it can feel very vulnerable but it’s so important to do it. if you feel like you just can’t talk to friends about things then you could try making an appointment to see the welfare counsellor at school? or you could try talking to your parents if you have a fairly ok relationship with them, or maybe you could make an appointment with your local doctor without needing parental support if you don’t want to tell your parents just yet? there’s lots of people that you can reach out to for support that don’t have to be friends, but reaching out for help and letting people know what’s going on is key. you need help, you deserve help.

it’s good to be there for your friends, but it’s so important to be there for you as well. you know how on flights (in the good old days pre-covid where we got on planes to travel haha), the safety procedures always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others? same concept applies here, sometimes it’s best to help yourself first and get to a place of relative calm and stability before attempting to help others. your life doesn’t have to be tip-top perfect with no dramas before you can help your friends?! but if you’re in this much distress and anxiety and pain, you need to look after yourself first. it’s not selfish to do that, promise.

this post talks more about how to go about finding a therapist, if that isn’t something you’ve done before? and you’re more than welcome to ask us all the questions too, nothing is silly and we won’t judge you at all. just reach out for help, speak up, prioritise yourself and your well-being, you deserve it. let us know how things go <33

- tash

[hydrospanners]

fic masterlist: swtor

at the request of literally no one, i’ve created a masterlist of all my swtor fic. first is a chronological collection of all the swtor fic i’ve written in my “canon”. it’s broken up into snippets of time relative to the events of swtor. aus and gift fics are at the end. this is more for me than anything else, but if you have a bunch of time on your hands and want to read some fic--enjoy!!!

i am the most self-indulgent author known to man so there are numerous fics that don’t feature any canon characters in any significant way. i’m not sorry, but i did mark them with an asterisk for everyone’s edification. i also wrote actually vaguely descriptive descriptions instead of whatever bullshit i put in the descriptions on ao3. all links go to ao3 because tumblr was not designed for reading and it shows.

53 fics below the cut... what a trip, y’all.

backstory these fics are about things that happened before the opening of the class story. 

* a very velaran life day - snippets of different life days in the velaran family history. no canon characters in it yet, but maybe this christmas i’ll get to some fics that aren’t solely about my own ocs.

* the shape of things to come - the story about how rea finally joined the jedi at the ripe old age of sixteen.

* a dimming star - the first steps on rea’s jedi path. they aren’t fun ones, lads!

* necessary sacrifice - like three years down the timeline and still no canon characters! rea continues to struggle with this whole being a jedi thing, and it continues to struggle with her! this one features a haircut as a symbol of a turning point in the story.

bars and stripes - canon characters??? in my fic????? its more likely than you think. this is a shameless ripoff of an episode of m*a*s*h masquerading as doc backstory. does it have cameos and/or mentions of other healer companions? maybe!!!

prelude these are fics set during the prologue of the class stories, everything that happens between the start and completing the capital planet missions. 

* memories - rhese? do you finally get a say in all this??? this is the moment rhese and rea finally see each other for the first time since they were recruited to the jedi, set at the very start of the class story.

attachments - kira and rea talk about rhese. that’s it. that’s the fic.

act one all the stories set between killing tarnis and beginning preparations to capture the emperor (everything after coruscant ending and pubside balmorra starting). rip orgus. one day ill finish all those wips about how sad it was when he bit it. in the mean time, can i interest you in some gifsets?

lessons - now rea’s padawan, kira reflects on how bad rea is at teaching, though maybe without as much clarity as i just implied.

a tangled web - so stupid it’s basically crack, kira has to rescue rea from an embarrassing situation.

of flowers, failure, and the virtues of friendship - kira and rhese start to bond over the shared torment of having to be around rea. rivals to friends (one day i’ll write the “to lovers” part that comes after).

act two all the stories during the time when the knight is prepping for the assault on the emperor’s fortress and then assaulting it. everything between pubside balmorra starting and breaking free from the emperor’s fortress after that super successful plan to bring him in alive. great job jedi!

filling the table - is that shipfic????? the reason i started writing swtor fic in the first place??? this is rea being thirsty disguised as me sewing seeds for the eventual doc x rea romance. pazaak themed for some reason? (doc x rea)

when the wicked play - this is me being obsessed with the translation of video game violence to vaguely realistic circumstances posing as doc feeling some kind of way about rea murdering a whole bunch of dudes who wanted to hurt her but weren’t powerful enough. not primarily romantic but definitely some setup for their relationship.

night shift -  everything is doc x rea and nothing hurts. rea’s got work to do but who can work when there’s a horny mustachio’d doctor trying to persuade her back to bed??? it’s not love it’s just good sex!!!!! honest!!!!(doc x rea)

these nights never seem to go to plan - rea isn’t yearning for affection, she’s just too tired to get out of doc’s bed after so much boning. okay maybe this is about slightly more than good sex after all... doc x rea TENDERNESS.

somewhere we’ve not been before - this is the good shit lads!!!! doc x rea!!! first dates!!!! shenanigans!!!! honest to goodness falling in love between all that fucking that do!!!!!!!!!!!! (doc x rea)

no better taste - a sequel to the last fic featuring the morning after!!! some post-horniness introspection!! tenderness!!!!!! hints of yearning!!! god i miss the days before the mind control and the carbonite when the problems were normal things like commitment and abandonment issues. (doc x rea)

heart - rea sends doc a rocking “thanks for the great sex” gift!! rhese is disgusted by every part of it! this is comedy folks!!!! (doc x rea... i guess)

interruptions - rea takes a work call while she’s boning doc. that’s the whole fic. i think this was my first spicy fic?? i can’t remember. (doc x rea)

* where you go to rest your bones - sibling tenderness!!!! their relationship is super complicated, but rhese is reminded that underneath all the bullshit rea really does love him a lot.... it’s both sad and not sad at the same time. schroedinger’s sadness.

gifts - the crew tries to plan a gift for rea, but what do you get for the woman who’s banned from everything?? so dumb it’s basically crack and i’m not sorry for it.

crapshoot - the crew takes bets on what rea’s next Bad Idea TM will be. she shows them you can’t predict chaos. basically crack but i don’t care.

spoonful of sugar - vignettes about the jedi knight crew dealing with sickness. almost entirely comedy and/or fluff. doc x rea content is present and rhese x kira content is suggested.

a little eggstra - grocery shopping gone awry, based on an old tumblr text post. hella stupid, yet hella fun. doc x rea is in the background.

to break our bones for kindling - you thought we were just having good times??? you’re a fool. doc’s job is to heal people and rea’s job is to break them. sometimes they have work-related disagreements!!! be sad with me. doc x rea.

* when a problem comes along, you must whip it - i can only stop being stupid for so long, so here’s the story about how rea came to possess her lightwhip, the stupidest weapon known to man. these events do not go well for rhese.

things unsaid - a dumb doc x rea drabble about stupid shit rea says when she’s been mortally wounded. if doc were to just let her die, no one would blame him.

* the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one - a bit of a character/relationship study about what rhese is willing to sacrifice for love of his sister, no matter how complicated things are between them. a second chapter about what rea sacrifices for rhese is in my wips and will be completed... .eventually. 

lovesick - doc x rea ship content. my interpretation of that one conversation where doc’s like “hey would your jedi powers tell me if im going crazy also do you love me? check yes or no. i will not elaborate.”

* the things we left behind - oh no lads.... we’re building up to the fortress shit.... our good times are over. rea does some underhanded shit to make sure her brother doesn’t go on this mission to capture the emperor cause the plan does not seem like a great one.

act three wow wasn’t act two fun??? so much silly nonsense and love. now get a drink assholes it’s Time To Be Sad. act three covers everything in the class stories after coming back from that super successful assault on the emperor’s fortress (great job jedi!) to finally stabbing the bastard in the dark fortress and hoping that gets the job done at last. (spoilers: it doesn’t!!!!!) aka stories from belsavis to the final assault on dromund kaas.

everything we left there - it’s trauma time!!! rea’s fucked up from the fortress and feeling the pressure (thanks for the prophecy scourge!!! love that!!!!) so she hurts people she cares about to protect them. it’s her signature move!

the only thing that’s real - rea continues to be fucked up from what happened on the fortress but hey... at least she isn’t fucked up alone??? sad doc x rea content.

into the jungle - the gang is on belsavis and no one is having a good time! since rea isn’t herself, doc tries to pick up the slack and reassure kira that it’ll all be okay! it goes about as well as you’d expect.

interlude now that i’m looking at it, there are some serious gaps in my fic coverage. anyway, sad hours are over, the emperor is (kind of but not really) dead and there may still be a war on but things are looking up! this covers everything between the emperor’s death and the beginning of kotfe, including forged alliances and the shadow of revan.

hands too hungry - doc finally takes rea on that honeymoon she didn’t really care about in the first place! tragically, rea is way too horny to be impressed by what an amazing vacation he planned for himself them. peak rea x doc content.

no kind of romantic - it’s doc and rea’s one year anniversary but they are both working on opposite sides of the galaxy. sad! it’s doc x rea fluff disguised as angst.

a little help from a friend - rea and theron are worst/best friends and i recycle romance tropes into annoying friendship ones. this is the least sexy sharing body heat fic you’ve ever (not?) read. bite me.

retirement - rea has some feelings about her very violent, stressful job and how it interferes with her husband doing things that actually help and heal. doc x rea content.

the dreaded kotfe content these are sad hours!!! this is everything from arcann’s invasion on, cause i’m not breaking it up by post-carbonite storyline you bastards. i don’t know why i’m being so hostile no one asked me to do this.

every doubt we had - after watching what may have been his sister’s death by exploding starship, rhese is having trouble sleeping. no one is more surprised than him when seeks out doc for comfort! doc & rhese brothers by marriage solidarity. carbonite angst...

love is a waiting game - rea’s been MIA for six months since the ship she was on bit it and her crew is finally making some changes. doc is sad about it. doc & rhese brothers by marriage solidarity again. doc x rea angst.

waiting - some time has passed and now rhese is the sad one again!!! grief is so funny isn’t it??? hahahaha haha hahahaha why is no one else laughing? doc & rhese brothers by marriage solidarity yet again.

the greatest distance - rea’s back baby!!!! oh but this isn’t a celebration. she’s taking a tour of her long lost ship now that all the people she loved aren’t in it. it’s a sad one, fellas. 

* when the stars are the only thing we share - rea tracks down some people from her past to help her track down her brother since he went missing while she was having a nap. no canon characters were used in the making of this fic.

leave her sleeping a little longer - rea has a dream and wakes up missing doc even more than she was before. sad hours. doc x rea angst.

take back what the kingdom stole - after theron pulls some Shenanigans (you know the ones) his friendship with rea is in peril. they both break character and actually talk shit out for once.

a wish your heart makes - rea dreams a dream. so does doc. it’s a wet one. this makes it sound lighthearted but actually it’s angst with a side of porn. doc x rea supreme spicy/sad content.

overserved - back to crack baby!! rea gets drunk and acts a fool based on a joke made in a discord server. this is the best shit i’ve ever written.

thrusting back into my skin i feel anew - the band is back together again and everything is fine!!!! just kidding -- actually people change a lot in six years and rea and doc are having some trouble fitting back into the marriage they had back then. doc x rea angst but with a hopeful ending!

non-canon fics i’ve written a couple of things with my dumb characters that are too stupid even for me to put into their canon story or are otherwise aus. these are them, listed in no particular order.

the lies we tell ourselves - a sadder (yet possibly more realistic) take on the ossus reunion and what follows. a bit experimental. doc x rea angst au.

archiban frodrick’s kennel - a romance au where doc is a vet and rea has a pet with a health issue, inspired by my own stupid dog whom i love very much. doc x rea. spiciness suggested but not detailed; sorry horndogs.

fallen - a fun au where rea’s shittiness as a teacher and everything being bad leads to kira falling to the dark side... its angst lads.

the new recruit - rusk’s squad adopts a kitten. that’s the fic.

cruel - ever wonder how things would have turned out if rea was never smuggled off eriadu and got plucked up by the sith?? no??? well i have and i wrote about it. the self-indulgence never ends.

fill my lungs with sweetness - a gift fic for @hoiist; flower-themed vignettes about doc expressing his love for hoiist’s knight, vii. this is some real soft shit, lads.

remember me, love - another gift fic for @hoiist; this time some ossus-flavored angst about doc seeing through vii’s eyes in his dreams. what he sees is not comforting!!! all aboard the angst train--choo choo!!

[kim-seungmine]

a thousand chapters

title: a thousand chapters

characters: bang chan of stray kids

genres: romance (it’s cheesy sometimes so beware), angst, best friends to lovers au, idol au, idol!chan, so i attempted to write song lyrics (spoiler: maybe i suck)

warnings: language

word count: 7138 words

synopsis: bang chan writes only 3 love songs throughout his life, and all of them are for you.

a/n: this is a little bit non-linear so please pay attention whether it’s present or past! i used different types of dividers, i hope you guys understand. i have so much feelz for chan and im not sorry

Call it an exaggeration, but sitting on your couch while watching TV and munching snacks before 9PM was truly a miracle. Nothing could ever make you leave work at 5PM, but today was an exception. You made an exception. An annual prestigious music awards was held today, and while you never really paid attention to awards, you made sure you told your manager that you had to leave as soon as the sun went down.

Now the winner of the most anticipated award, Daesang, was about to be announced. Interestingly, the two groups that had the biggest potential to win—Stray Kids and ITZY—both belonged to JYP Entertainment.

“I’m sure everyone has been waiting for this category,” the male MC trailed off, causing you to bite your bottom lip in impatience. Just as the female MC opened the envelope, your door bell rang. You clicked your tongue, making time to raise the TV volume first before running to your door. A delivery man was standing there, holding a small clear case. A CD? Without at least a bubble wrap to protect it?

“Are you Y/N?” the man asked, and you nodded absent-mindedly as you took it and closed the door without saying thank you. It was rude, but you could care less since both MCs were now smiling at the camera to tease the audience.

You quickly went back to your favorite spot—on the right side of the couch—and flipped the case. A clumsily-written tracklist was taped on it, and you frowned when you noticed a short note at the bottom.

“Chan hyung will kill me for doing this but you need to know. It’s been long overdue. -Seo Changbin”

A little panicked, you opened the case to see if there was anything else, but that was it. You read the tracklist, and the title of the first song sounded painfully familiar.

“Congratulations to… Stray Kids!”

You looked up, a relieved smile plastered on your lips. The whole audience cheered and clapped as the said nine guys stood up from their seats, dumbstruck look on their faces. They walked up the stage, took the trophy, spent the first 3 minutes sobbing and hugging each other before actually delivering their speech.

Leader Bang Chan grabbed the mic, causing you to shift closer to the television. “I was just a boy who loved music. I still do, and words can’t explain how thankful I am for all of you,” he said, half-sobbing. “Winning a Daesang has always been our dream, and now that it came true, we promise we’ll become even better.”

He went on thanking a bunch of people, from his family and friends in Sydney to fellow celebrities. And then he paused, staring at the camera for a while before blinking his tears away. “And to everyone who’s supported us and made us stronger, I love you. I hope your heart is where I’ll always stay.”

You glanced down, trying to fight back your own tears.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

(I Hope) Your Heart Is Where I Stay

“You really should go to sleep at normal hour, Chris,” you protested, sighing at the sight of Chan copying your Math homework in the speed of light. “And please do your homework before you start training.”

Chan dropped his pen as he wrote down the last number, pouting at you. “We finish school at 3. I go to the company right away. I have lessons until 10. I have dinner at 11. Then I practice until 5 in the morning. I shower, get ready, then meet you at the bus stop at 6. Tell me where I should squish in ‘working on homeworks.’ “

“Why do you go to school, then? You don’t even bother to make time to do school stuffs,” you fired back, not wanting to admit that Chan did have a packed schedule. Your best friend said nothing, only sliding your notebook back to you.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

You poked at his dimples when he didn’t respond, scooting closer to examine his face. “You’re such a baby, Bang Chan,” you commented before walking back to your seat. Chan shifted his gaze to you before breaking into a satisfied smirk. “I am, yet you’re still here.”

You had to stop yourself from blushing, but he was right.

-

“Catch a movie with me?” Chan is standing in front of you, slinging his backpack over one shoulder while you were zipping yours. “Don’t you have to be at the company soon?” you questioned, eyeing him from head to toe. After your “fight” this morning, Chan was even more smiley and energetic than usual. And more touchy. He was touchy to begin with, but never this much. Whether you hated it or not, you actually weren’t sure.

“I can call in sick,” he sing-sang, waving at several of your classmates. “You live in the dorm, for Christ sake,” you pointed out, but he only raised his eyebrows at you. “I have my ways, don’t worry. Jisung will cover for me.”

You met Jisung once. And Changbin. The three of them trained together and planned to release mixtapes under the name of 3RACHA, like the sauce. You kept laughing at Chan after you first heard the name, but after listening to their songs you decided that it was a suitable name for them.

Chan took your hand in his and led you out, not bothering to wait for your answer. He didn’t let go even after you got to the bus stop; he smiled at you instead as he caressed your fingers with his thumb. You didn’t have the heart to pull your hand away, but you knew you were secretly enjoying this. To be honest, nothing stressed you out more than your “friendship” with Chan thesedays. All you needed was one chance to ask if he was doing this on purpose or you were the one reading it wrong.

But, should you even try? Chan had been training for years—this year would be his seventh year—and the company loved him. They would definitely debut him and soon he would forget you. He would find you holding him back, and you didn’t want that.

You wanted to be Chan’s sweetest high school memory. Just a memory was enough, as long as he would smile when he thought of you.

The bus had arrived, and you let Chan pulled you inside. He tapped his metro card twice before you could stop him, chuckling as you let out a surprised “Yah!”

“What do you want for dinner?” he asked the second you sat down.

“Chan, we haven’t even chosen the movie we’re gonna watch yet.”

“I know. I’m just excited.”

You wanted to ask why, but then Chan was laughing and it was one of the most contagious things in the whole world. His hold on your hand grew tighter, to the point that it was impossible to move your hand, but you felt content. Whenever Chan was around, you always felt content and loved (you would never tell him this part, but that was the fact.)

You wondered if he ever felt the same.

-

“Are you still crying?”

Chan wiped your tears with his hand as you pouted at the blank screen. Both of you chose to watch La La Land and while the movie was wonderful, it was also realistically painful that you were unable to stop your tears.

“I feel so betrayed,” you croaked, letting Chan pull you up. “But you love movies with realistic endings. You love to suffer,” he said.

You did. You would rather weep than watch the main characters be “forced” into a happy ending. This time, though, you actually rooted for the main characters; you felt their longing for each other, you felt their love and respect for each other, and you felt their connected dreams although those ended up being the reason why they didn’t work out.

“You’re adorable,” Chan commented, the words rolled out of his mouth so naturally as if he said that everyday. You rolled your eyes at him, pretending that it didn’t make you feel giddy inside. He kept humming to City of Stars on the way home, casually linking your pinkies together.

“Christopher Bang Chan.”

“What?”

“You just missed your bus stop.”

“I’m walking you home.”

“Why?”

“Are you really asking that question?”

“You skipped practice today. What’s wrong?”

Chan stopped on his tracks, sighing as you released your pinky from his. “I’ve been meaning to ask you the same thing,” he confessed. “You seem… distracted. And so distant from me. Did I do something wrong?”

Uh-oh. You definitely didn’t expect that.

“Nothing. It’s just—”

The two of you had been friends since Chan moved back to Seoul from Sydney a few years back. At first, it was purely because you spoke English well, but Chan never left your side even after he got used to living in Korea on his own.

Things were chill until recently, when you noticed that Chan started treating you differently. He would smile at every silly thing you said, held your hand in front of everybody, or called you at night only because he wanted you to keep him company.

“What are we, Chan? I can’t help but feeling confused because you’re being like… this.”

Chan furrowed his eyebrows, cupping your face so he could look into your eyes. “Like what?”

You eyed his hands that were on your cheeks before removing them. “Like this. I don’t want to misinterpret any signal, Chan,” you mumbled. “If there’s any signal at all.”

“My goodness,” he gasped, pulling you into a bear hug you always enjoyed. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You’re doing it now, Chris.”

He chuckled, squishing you into his chest. “I didn’t intend to send signals, but I guess I’ve been like this because I,” he takes a deep breath, “like you. Like, like you. As more than a friend.”

Chan tried to pull away to see your response, but you circled your arms around his torso instead, not wanting him to see your reddening cheeks. “You could’ve just said so, dummy. I thought you were just playing with me.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” he answered, placing his chin on top of your head. “I really didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t want you to feel awkward around me.”

“Too late for that. I don’t think I can ever look at you again now,” you groaned, your heart swelling with happiness when his laugh rumbled through his chest.

Chan gripped your arms, pulling away to grin at you and now you realized why you were being unusually sad over a movie’s ending.

Bang Chan was Mia, someone so endearing and inspiring and strong and talented and it was only a matter of time before the world knew what he was worth of. You, meanwhile, had a simple dream like Sebastian’s and just wanted to do your own thing, slowly realizing that you and Chan were living on a borrowed time.

But your best friend was looking at you like you were the only one who could make him happy and it was hard to resist. Chan could ask you to marry him right here, right now, and you would say yes. He might not be your first crush, but you were pretty sure that he was your first love. You wanted him—every inch of his heart—and he was offering exactly that to you.

“You’re not just gonna pretend that this never happens tomorrow, right?” you whispered as Chan cupped your face once again. He smiled when he felt that you were anticipating his next move, before brushing his lips against your temple. It was sweet and soft, but it ended too quickly and you wanted more.

You tried not to pout; the disappointment in your eyes was so obvious it made Chan chuckle. “You’re so whipped for me, how am I supposed to pretend that this never happens?” he teased, placing another kiss on your cheek.

“Wow I hate you.”

“Hate you more, babe.”

-

One of Chan’s trainee friends, Yang Jeongin, celebrated his birthday today. Jeongin had invited you over for dinner with the rest of the boys. You almost said no, but he sounded so convincing on the phone, saying that everyone was dying to meet you. Chan had also been begging you to finally come over and meet the other boys.

“I don’t know, Chan. I’m not even a trainee, and you’re not even supposed to be dating. How can I just show up?”

“Everybody dates, Y/N. Don’t be so naïve,” he replied, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as you were nearing the building. You sighed, glancing at Chan who was now humming a song you never heard before. When your eyes landed on his lips, you were forced to remember the fact that Chan hadn’t kissed you yet. Well, he kissed your cheeks, your nose, your temple, your forehead, your jaw… pretty much everywhere but your lips.

You felt ashamed at yourself for even thinking about wanting to be kissed. It was beyond stupid, and you knew you couldn’t possibly measure Chan’s love for you with something as insignificant as a kiss, but you were starting to question his sincerity. Was he really serious with you? Or were you just someone he kept because he was lonely or something?

“We’re here!” your boyfriend exclaimed, entering the password quickly. He pushed the door open, and soon eight pairs of eyes fixated their gazes on you. “Hi.” You waved at them, trying not to frown at the burning smell that greeted you the moment you stepped inside.

However, Chan beat you to it. “What did you guys burn?” he panicked, patting your head before running to the kitchen. The boys then proceeded to attack with you with questions (and thankfully, compliments), which you tried your best to answer.

You recognized Jeongin standing at the back, yelling at his hyungs to “stop harassing Y/N they’re my guest!”

Kim Woojin, whom Chan always ate fried chicken with every week, gave you an apologetic smile as the birthday boy walked past him. “Jeongin really wants to meet you,” he noted as Jeongin shook your hand with absolute excitement. “Christopher Bang is all giggles everytime he talks about you. Of course I have to meet you!”

“Is that a compliment?” you asked, liking him already. Changbin laughed, gesturing at you to sit on the couch while Chan was screaming in the background (“WHY DID YOU GUYS EVEN BOTHER MAKING BOILED EGGS IF YOU’RE JUST GONNA LEAVE THEM LIKE THIS!”).

Chan returned to the living room with a pot of burned boiled eggs and a pan of seemingly undercooked spaghetti. “Ah, sorry!” Seungmin yelled as soon as he spotted the eggs. “I was the one boiling them but then Y/N arrived and I got distracted.”

“Don’t use my Y/N as an excuse!” the older boy warned, causing everyone—including you—to cringe. Jisung passed you a plate for the spaghetti, which you politely declined. “Hyung, have you told them about our debut plans?”

You widened your eyes at Chan who looked as if he got caught red handed. It was such an incredible news, you didn’t understand why he was trying to hide it from you. Before anyone could throw in some awkward jokes to lessen the tension, Felix and Minho brought a huge cake into the living room, singing the Happy Birthday song. The others followed suit, showering Jeongin with bear hugs (Changbin tried to kiss him) tickles.

You watched the adorable chaos upon you, trying to memorize every little detail because everything would change soon. Chan seemed to notice the look in your eyes as he sprinted to you and dragged you out of the living room. He stopped in front of his room, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“Today is Jeongin’s birthday, but I also have something for you,” he whispered. He pushed you inside the room, trying to make you sit on his bed but you became too excited to listen to him.

“I think you need a new pop filter, Chan. I’m going to buy it for you,” you said, chuckling at his Dragon Ball figurines on the shelf. You noticed a jewelry box on his desk, a framed photo of you smiling at the camera was placed on top of it.

You opened it, and found all of the things you had given him inside. Most of them were things he needed at that time: a box of band aids, a phone strap, your Sharpie, and a pair of Snoopy earrings (which he had to wear for a week after losing a bet).

“Y/N, please sit down,” Chan whined, blushing when you poked his cheek. “You made a shrine for me, I don’t know whether I should feel honored or scared.”

“I also made a song for you.”

That got your attention, so you sat down on his bed, watching Chan browsing through his phone. He kneeled down, grabbing your hands as a soft instrumental started playing. “I wanted to tell you about our debut plan, but everything still seems too good to be real and I don’t want you to be disappointed if it… you know… doesn’t happen.”

You laced your fingers with his, bending down to kiss his nose. “I’ll always be proud of you, Chan. You’re talented and the company knows it, that’s a fact,” you assured him. You remembered the time when he told you that he was going to debut years ago. It never happened, and he had to watch his close friends debuted one by one. At this point—after 7 years of training, you knew Chan was scared to even voice out his excitement to himself.

“Another reason that I planned to wait before telling you is because… I don’t want you to break up with me.”

Chan lifted his hand to caress your cheekbone, a gesture that always made your heart flutter in a hundred different ways. “That’s absurd, Chan,” you told him.

“Even now I’ve canceled many of our dates because of lessons or late night recordings with Changbin and Jisung. You don’t get enough sleep because you’re always waiting for me to finish practicing. Sometimes we barely talk at school since I always fall asleep,” he recounted. “I’m not good for you, Y/N. And I’m afraid that you’ll eventually realize how lacking I am and how you deserve to be loved by a man who can love you properly.”

You shook your head, throwing your arms around his neck. “You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, Bang Chan.”

“I think that’s because I’m the only boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

“Please don’t ruin the mood.”

“Sorry.”

“My point is, we’re both trying our best and I never feel that you’re lacking. You’ve been nothing but perfect.” You pulled away, threading your hand through his curly locks. “Now where’s that song you wrote for me?”

Chan took a deep breath, reaching for his phone to replay the instrumental. “I wanted to take you somewhere nice and sing to you there. But here you are, being your beautiful, loving, witty self and I just can’t wait anymore.”

“I don’t know how to write love songs

Or if I can even call this a love song

All I know is I’m writing this for you

Pouring out feelings that feel surreal.”

You giggled, pulling Chan up so that he was lying on top of you. You heard someone knocking on the door, but neither of you moved from your position.

“But I wake up everyday and you’re still here

Walking down this dark tunnel with me

Showering me with warmth and joy like no one else

And I wonder if you feel the same

So I hope

Your heart is where I’ll always stay.”

He stopped although the music was still playing, and you didn’t know if it was because he forgot his lyrics or because that was all he could manage to say. Chan pecked your forehead softly, keeping his hand on your cheek as he pulled away.

“God I love you so much,” he whispered, his lips quivering as you let his words sink in. “Can I kiss you?”

Chan’s lips touched yours and all you could see and feel was Bang Chan and his love for you. He parted your lips with his tongue, sighing in contentment when you tugged at his hair. You pulled him closer although he was practically lying on you, trailing his hand along your spine. “Chan,” you gasped, almost forgetting what you wanted to say when he continued tugging at your bottom lip with his teeth.

“Channie,” you tried again, and this time he pulled away, chuckling at your disoriented state.

“Yeah?”

“I love you too. A lot.”

“And Chan?”

He hummed, giving you pecks all over your face as you struggled to stop giggling. “Why did you only kiss me now?”

You expected Chan to smirk at you and tease you to no end, but he only stared at you before dropping another smooch on your lips. “I didn’t want you to think that I only wanted you that way. You’re so gorgeous and precious and you chose me, I don’t want to lose you.”

“Chan hyung!” Changbin banged on the door, causing Chan to grumble. “Is my phone inside?”

“Fuck off, Changbin!” Chan yelled.

“I will! But please don’t do anything weird in there! Y/N you’re still alive, right?”

“Safe and sound, Changbin!”

“Seo Changbin, I swear to God—”

You didn’t let Chan finish as you crashed your lips on his once again, and for now you didn’t want to think about how you were running out of time, how Chan would eventually slip away from you despite saying all of those sweet words that were already engraved in your heart.

He wanted to stay in your heart, so you let him.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

If there was any other day you hated more than Monday, it would be Thursday. On Thursdays, it started to feel like the weekend, but then it wasn’t even Friday yet and everything just felt a bit more mundane and tiring. And empty.

At least on Friday you could meet up with your friends after work or drink with your co-workers. And then you could spend (at least) half of Saturday lazing around in bed before getting up to clean up your place and then binge-watch shows you missed until Sunday night.

But tonight was different.

You were lying in bed, looking at unread messages from an unknown number that you assumed to be Changbin’s. The boys had changed their phone numbers several times after debut due to some obsessive fans spamming them, but somehow all of them managed to keep yours. You always received birthday wishes from them, except for Chan who opted to send a box of dark chocolate (72% chocolate, your favorite) to your place every year. He never left any cards, and you could only guess who told him your address (if it wasn’t your brother, then you would be afraid), but you knew it was him.

Besides the annual birthday gift, you never had any contact with your ex-boyfriend for the past four years. You saw him a lot, of course. Stray Kids had their breakthrough year 1.5 years after their debut, and Chan became one of the most popular singer-songwriters in the country.

The songs in the CD, however, sounded like nothing he would ever write. You decided to take it slow, listening to one song each night.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

The Candle I Blow Out

It was already past midnight when you opened the door for Chan, who looked like he ran the whole way to your house (he did). “You don’t have to do this,” you sighed, wiping his sweat with your hand. “We just finished filming. I’m sorry.”

“How’s Felix?” you asked, closing the door before leaning on it. It had been awhile since you last saw him and the boys; the company created a survival show for them, and you could see how it took a toll on everyone, mainly Chan. It felt weird seeing your boyfriend on television, and it felt even weirder to see people talking about him, admiring him, even hating on him. But you told yourself to get used to it, to accept the fact that nobody ever belonged to just one person. In this case, though, you had to share Chan with the whole world. Which definitely wasn’t easy at all.

“He’s doing pretty well. I think they’re considering to take both him and Minho back,” he said, and you immediately wrapped him in your arms. “I’m tired,” he added, burying his face on the crook of your neck. “I know,” you replied. “But it will end soon, and greater things are just about to start.”

Chan let out a frustrated sigh, mumbling things you were unable to hear. “Hmm?” you hummed, pulling away to see him tearing up. “Don’t cry on me, Bang Chan. You’re the leader of 8 boys and you’re doing great.”

He chuckled. “You pretending to be so tough on me. That’s hot.”

Deep down, you knew you weren’t just pretending to be tough on him. You were pretending to be tough on yourself too, trying to convince yourself that you wouldn’t be a burden for him and he would stay.

-

The melody of District 9 was still playing in your head although the boys had said goodbye and disappeared into the backstage. You stared at the empty stage in awe, reading the words “Stray Kids Unveil (Op. 01: I Am Not)” almost in disbelief. The fans around you were still busy gushing over the members, and it made you happy.

“Bang Chan is really crazy.”

“I know right? How does he do what he does?”

Hours of recording, barely sleeping, whining to you over the phone, and being so in love with what he’s doing.

“I don’t know about you guys, but he’s super hot.”

“He is! And did you pay attention to his body? It’s crazy.”

You knew you were probably supposed to leave, but you stayed, listening to them talking (sometimes screaming) about your boyfriend in a way that made you feel proud and weird. However, when they started talking about Cheongdam high school, the school you and Chan went to, you took it as a sign to leave.

“Do you have friends from Cheongdam High? Like the ones from his batch? I want to know how he was at school…”

-

channie: how is it that i arrived at your house before you did?

y/n: are you aware of how many fans you have and how hard was it to even get out of the venue

channie: oops. didnt think of that babe

y/n: you couldve asked me to drop by at your dorm, its fine

channie: you know i can’t risk that right :(

channie: pls come home soon

channie: i cant take another hour of your brother laughing at my makeup

y/n: lol deal with it

Laughters and giggles were heard as soon as you stepped inside your living room. Your parents and brother were chatting with Chan, who was still wearing his stage outfit. Now that you were looking at him up close, you realized how magical he was. “Hi,” he grinned, immediately lacing his fingers with yours.

“You should’ve seen how he tried to act cool on stage,” you told your brother as you put down a bucket of fried chicken on the table. “I heard you skipped the party with the boys?”

“Yeah, I did,” he answered distractedly, typing on his phone before dialing a number.

“Ah hyung,” he said. “Y/N just arrived and we—okay then.”

He ended the call, giving you a sad smile before standing up. “They want me back ASAP, I’m sorry. My manager is already outside.”

“It’s okay Channie, you must be tired too. Thank you for visiting us,” your mother assured him.

“Here, share with the boys. I’m sure you still have space for chicken,” you said. Chan took the bucket from you, making his way to the door.

“You did amazing today. I’m proud of you,” you whispered, ruffling his head as he chuckled. You could see fatigue and guilt in his eyes and you started to feel bad. “You’re not mad at me, are you?” he muttered.

“You just debuted. You’ve finally achieved your dream. Why would I be mad? I’m happy for you. My boyfriend is going to be a famous artist soon.”

Chan eventually left with a relieved smile on his face, but you figured it wouldn’t last long.

-

“You asked Soo to do what?”

You were walking down the street with a beanie covering half of your eyes. Chan had finished recording for a reality show, and he asked to meet you at the small coffee shop you used to go to during high school days (you were the only one who ordered though).

“I asked him to give him the spare key so I could close the shop for him.”

“Did he really agree to do this or did you—”

“He didn’t mind, Y/N. Why are you making this complicated?”

“I’m not. I just don’t want us to make other people uncomfortable.”

“We’ve known Soo since high school. He’s happy to help.”

He was right about that, so you told him you were arriving soon. You and Chan had had countless dates at Soo’s, even before you started dating officially. You made a mental note to pay visit later and thank him for trusting both of you this much. Meeting Chan had been a real challenge since the start of Stray Kids’ recent comeback. Their fandom continued to grow, and now some people started to follow the boys around during their schedule. It was only two or three people, but everyone was aware of it, especially Chan who became extremely careful (or paranoid, according to Minho).

You noticed how Chan had shut down the curtains when you got there. You slowly opened the door, and Chan’s eyes lit up when he saw you.

“Hi gorgeous.”

You scoffed at his cheesiness, but circled your arms around his neck as he pulled you close. “Dates at Soo’s, huh? Some things never change indeed.”

Chan giggled, peppering small kisses on your face. “Missed you, babe,” he sighed, tightening his hold on your waist.

“Don’t you wanna sit down?” you joked.

He shook his head. “No. I want to hold you,” he whined, pressing a more intense kiss on your lips.

“Is there any reason why you’re being this clingy?”

“Aren’t I clingy in general?”

“Chan.”

He rubbed circles on your waist. “We’ll be going on tour soon.”

You squealed and booped his nose. “That’s great! If the company gives you guys a tour then it means you’re doing well, right?”

“I guess so. The boys are excited about this, and we’ll be going to Australia soon. But Y/N—”

He paused, causing you to cup his face in worry. “What is it?”

“We’ll release the next album soon, practice for awards and year-end shows, and then practice for the tour while preparing the next album. It’ll be even harder for us to meet,” he lamented.

You tried to keep the smile on your face, but you knew he noticed the slight fear in your eyes. No matter how much you had prepared yourself for this, you weren’t ready.

But the last thing Chan needed was you being a nuisance, so you told him that it didn’t matter and spent the rest of the night catching up.

“Can I take you home?”

“You asked Soo to give you his key so we could have a private space and now you want to take me home.”

“Can I at least take you to the bus stop?”

Chan was begging with his eyes, and you instantly melted. “Okay,” you said, opening the door. He followed you, locking the door carefully before wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “Have you bought birthday presents for the babies?”

“You meant Jisung, Felix, and Seungmin?”

“Yeah, they’re—”

Both of you stopped walking as you heard the sound of shutter. Chan looked around, gripping your shoulder so tightly you nearly brushed him away. But before you could say anything, he had let you go and walked slightly in front of you.

channie: i think you have to go by yourself this time

channie: I’ll make it up to you i promise

You watched him making a turn at the corner of the street, his black hoodie becoming one with the dark sky as he quickened his pace. You glanced at your phone, hot tears falling onto the screen. What Chan did was understandable, it was a reflex. But it hurt, and you remembered the time when you thought that you and Chan were living on a borrowed time.

y/n: its okay. be safe.

Maybe your time together was up.

-

When Chan appeared at your doorstep with barely opened eyes, you just let him in without any protest. He only became more and more busy, and no matter how cheerful he appeared on cameras, days like this happened often.

“Is your brother home?” he asked, putting down a few shopping bags on your couch. You recently got a job in the central city, and you moved into your brother’s apartment so you could commute more comfortably.

“Bought him some fruits. And chocolate for you.”

You smiled, pulling out a box of dark chocolate from one of the bags. “You love me so much.”

He didn’t reply, causing you to dart your eyes to him. “What happened?”

Chan sat you down on the couch, biting his lips as you patted his biceps. “I think we should break up.”

It would be a lie if you didn’t see that coming. After both of you were supposedly photographed together two months ago, Chan changed. He was still the cheerful (but tired) and sweet Chan, but his eyes said otherwise and although he thought he hid it well from you, he didn’t.

“Alright,” was all you said.

“Babe, please don’t be like this—”

“It’s fine, Chan. I understand,” you cut him off. “I don’t want to hold you back. I don’t want to cause you more stress. If being together doesn’t make us happy anymore then there’s no point in forcing this.”

What you wanted to tell him was that you knew he was scared of losing his fans if he ever got caught dating you, but you couldn’t trust yourself to say that out loud without crying.

You loved Bang Chan, and this was the best thing you could do for him.

“You’re not holding me back. It’s just-”

“I get it. You’re too busy and everything is too risky.”

Your phone beeped, showing a message from your brother who was coming home soon. You stood up and walked to your door, Chan trailing behind you. “You should go. My brother is coming soon and God knows how many hours he’ll make you stay,” you attempted to joke. He smiled, taking your hand in his before placing a kiss on the back of your hand. He stared at you, long and intense, like he wanted to say something.

“I’m sorry.”

That was all he said.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

“Is my toothbrush there?” your brother asked over the phone. You peeked into the bathroom, spotting a toothbrush that he used.

“Yeah it’s here. Why?”

“I’m staying over at Jiyeon’s place.”

“I don’t want to sound like Mom but just… don’t get her pregnant.”

“We’re getting married, dumbass.”

“But still.”

Silence.

“I called Chan,” he confessed. “I know I probably shouldn’t have done that though. Sorry.”

You faked a laugh. “Just because we broke up doesn’t mean you two can’t talk.”

“But still.”

“It’s been four years,” you said. “It’s old story. And he won Daesang, of course you wanted to congratulate him.”

“I didn’t congratulate him,” he corrected, voice unusually calm. “I cursed him out for dating that person from Sparkle. Who was it? Kim Jiho?”

You sighed, spinning the CD in your hand. “Come on, we moved on. Plus that was like… 2 years ago?”

“Maybe he did, but you didn’t. I don’t care how many people you dated after Chan, Y/N. We know the truth.”

“Let’s talk tomorrow, I’m tired,” you sternly said, hitting the end button before your brother attacked you more.

You decided to finally open Changbin’s message, which said how sorry he was for intruding your and Chan’s privacy and for you to “please please please” let him explain. You wondered what the rest 2 songs be about for Changbin to have second thoughts.

“Fuck it,” you muttered, sliding the CD into your laptop.

The song gave off a different vibe from the first one. The first song was light and sweet, and this one felt like all of things at once, but mostly regret.

“The sun shines bright

The stars twinkle

The world welcomes me

But what am I supposed to do?

I feel colder than ever

The warm candle I lit

Is now just a memory

I wonder if it’s my fault.”

You reached for your phone on the side table, asking Changbin for Chan’s number.

“Harsh wind? Hurricane?

No

My warmth, my light, my hope

Is gone

You’re gone

You’re the candle I blow out

And it’s all my fault.”

The song slowly came to an end, but then you heard a familiar sobbing sound. It took you a good minute to realize that it was Chan’s. He kept crying and crying until someone rushed into the recording room.

“Hyung!” you heard Changbin’s voice before the audio was cut short.

You pressed stop, and for the first time since your breakup, you cried. For Chan, for yourself, for all the time you spent trying to convince yourself that you would be okay without him.

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇

(Not an) Epilogue

“C-Chan?”

“Y/N?”

The moment he called your name, your defense crumbled. You started crying again, causing him to yell at the boys to shut up.

“Y/N? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“Yes,” you answered. “It hurts, Chan-ah.”

“Where are you? Are you home?”

You didn’t answer, but you could feel him nodding. “I’ll be there soon, okay? Have you called your brother?”

“Chan,” you sobbed. “Please.”

“I’m coming. Don’t hang up.”

So you didn’t. You heard him fumbling with his car keys before starting the engine. He didn’t ask anything throughout the journey, only occasionally telling you to wait for him. When he knocked on your door, you hesitated.

Would things really turn out the way you wanted it to be?

“What happened?” he asked as soon you opened your door. Chan ushered you inside, taking your face in his hands to press soft kisses on your eyes as if he never left. “Hey, why are you crying?”

You pointed at the CD case, which he took immediately. He read Changbin’s note before pulling you into his arms. He whispered strings of apology in your ear as you cried even harder. “I let you go, Chan. Why aren’t you happy?” you asked.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he replied. “I just didn’t want to ruin your life Y/N. I don’t want you to get hate, to have people talking shit about you. I thought it’d be better if you hated me instead of suffering because of me.”

You sighed, your tears started to subside. “I didn’t want you to lose everything you tried so hard to achieve because of me. I just want to be your sweetest memory, Chan. I—”

“I love you,” he said. “I thought I could forget you. People move on, right, so why can’t I?”

Chan rested his forehead on your shoulder, breathing you in as you put your arms around his waist. “But it’s been 4 years and at this point I can’t keep lying to you or myself.”

“If you still want me around, if you’re okay with what I’m doing, will you let me stay?” he asked, pulling away to see your reaction. You looked at him, and you saw the Bang Chan you knew. The one who loved to mess around with you but was also the one who would protect you. The one who wrote you songs he never revealed to anyone else. The one who broke your heart into pieces but willing to pierce the pieces back together.

“Why do you even bother asking?” you answered, saying every word slowly to tease him. “You never left, Chan. I guess you really stayed in my heart after all.”

He burst into a loud laugh, pressing his lips against yours. He took everything slow, like he wanted to remember how it felt when your lips molded together, how you pulled him closer when his tongue grazed your teeth, how the touch of his lips left wonderful burning sensation on your skin.

You pulled away when his phone rang, watching Chan glance at the caller before switching his phone off. “Okay. I have to be a responsible artist and a responsible, loving boyfriend. What should I do?”

You only wiggled your eyebrows at him, causing him to groan.  He took a deep breath and gripped your shoulders. “If I go back to practice then return here at 3AM, will that count?” he suggested. “Oh no, I’ll be back at 6AM. You need sleep.”

“Now that’s responsible,” you agreed, pecking his lips. “And if you want to be a loving boyfriend as well, please bring me breakfast.”

Chan sighed in relief, eyes twinkling with excitement that you never wanted to trade with anything. “Does kaya toast sound good? Seungmin is into making toasts thesedays, I can steal some.”

“Also, have you listened to all the tracks yet?”

“I still have the last track to listen to.”

“Good. Don’t listen to that. I can make you thousands other songs but please, don’t listen to that one.”

Chan gave you one last look before reaching for the doorknob. “I’ll be back.”

And it was a promise he fulfilled.

-

“I only have one more chapter to write

I don’t want this story to be over

Holding your hand, listening to your silly jokes

Lulling you to sleep, waking up to you

I still want to do all of those.

Y/N we don’t have to end like Sebastian and Mia

Can I write one more chapter?

Can I write a thousand more?

Because Channie loves you so much”

This time you didn’t press stop. You repeated the song over and over again.

 -

a/n: wow this turned out to be longer than i expected. if you get to this part, then thank you for reading! mayhaps the chan’s room series inspired this although there’s nothing about that in the story.

[preraphaelitepunk]

Fictober19 Day 25: Ducking Peckish

Prompt #25: I could really eat something.

Fandom: Good Omens

Characters: Crowley, Aziraphale

Rating: Teen (for brief discussion of vaguely phallic pastries)

Warnings: None

On AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/20843936/chapters/50389301

“D’you ever wonder what the ducks think about us?” Crowley bounced a frozen pea off a mallard’s head, enjoying the irritated squawk and ensuing scramble for the tidbit.

Aziraphale cut his eyes over at him, lips compressed. “I’ll wager I can guess what they think about you, my dear.”

“Come on, they love me.”

“I think you’re confusing the ducks with me. I love you; the ducks, I imagine, find you an infernal pest and only tolerate you because you bring food.”

Crowley grinned. That was the most amazing, wonderful, jaw-droppingly beautiful thing about this new life after the failed Armageddon: the ease with which they could say things like that to each other now. (The bit about love, at least; they’d always teased and poked at each other. For centuries, it had been their main form of conveying affection.) It wasn’t a panacea — they both still tended toward anxiety under stress, and Crowley still had to fight off the dark seduction of self-hating depressive episodes sometimes — but they were free, without fear of repercussions from their former bosses, and they were together. They were both absolute messes, but they were each other’s messes, and that made so much difference. He’d never believed happiness like this was possible. It scared him sometimes, how precious it was.

“Not really seeing the difference there, honestly,” Crowley said, shoving his sappy thoughts into the back of his mind.

Aziraphale chuckled and bumped his shoulder against Crowley’s. “Oh, hush, foul fiend.”

“Won’t hush. You know you love it, same as the ducks love us. D’you think they tell stories about us to each other?”

“What? They’re ducks.”

“So maybe they tell duck stories. Duck tales, sort of thing. After all, we’ve been coming here off and on for hundreds of years; they probably have ancestral legends about us, going back generations. How long is a duck generation, anyway?”

“I’ve absolutely no idea.”

Crowley pulled out his mobile and jabbed at it. “Five to ten years for a wild duck. Bless me, that’s nothing, poor buggers. So say we’ve been coming here for 350 years, give or take. Say 10 years for a generation, just to make things easy. That’s 3500 duck generations. That’s unreal. Their legends about us must be insane.”

“Again, my dear, they’re ducks. And I think you’ll find it’s 35 generations, not 3500.”

“Humour me, angel?”

Aziraphale sighed as he tossed a handful of chopped lettuce onto the water. “When do I do otherwise?”

“Right, so if we map duck mythology onto human mythology, they must consider us like gods or something. Not God gods, but like, Olympians or Egyptian gods. Lower-case gods.”

“Or mythical heroes, perhaps.”

“Ooh, I like that. I could be Odysseus, famous trickster. Though I’ve always fancied being Set — you know, from Egypt.”

Aziraphale frowned thoughtfully. “Wasn’t he considered essentially a demon?”

“Nah, s’more complicated than that. He killed Osiris, but he was also in charge of chaos and trickery and strangers. Plus, he was ginger.” Crowley landed a particularly choice bit of veg precisely equidistant between four ducks, smiling at the ensuing squabble.

“That does sound a bit like you,” Aziraphale admitted. “So for the purposes of this discussion, the ducks think of you like Set. What about me?”

“Thoth. Creator of writing, god of magic and healing.”

“Ooh, I like that.” Aziraphale considered this. “But ducks don’t have writing. They don’t even have hands; how would they hold a pen? With their beaks?”

“Point. And they don’t have fire, so you can’t be their Prometheus. Maybe you’re their Apollo, then. A shining golden god who brings light and art and beauty everywhere he goes.”

“Now you’re just being silly,” Aziraphale said, but he was blushing and cutting his eyes up at Crowley in that gorgeous way he had.

“Or Asclepius, god of healing. I’ve seen you sneaking in healing miracles on them. You’re really terrible at trying to be furtive.”

Aziraphale pretended not to hear that last bit. “Asclepius was the one with the snake, right? That would fit. That’s the last of the veg, by the way.” Aziraphale considered the plastic sack. “Does vanishing something count as littering?”

“‘Course not, angel. It’s vanished, not there any more.”

“But its atoms are still there, somewhere. I think. They might, I don’t know, contaminate the ecosystem.”

“Shouldn’t think so. Just atoms, not molecules or chunks or something. Its bits go into other bits, make something new. Circle of life thingie.”

“Good.” Aziraphale snapped the bag out of existence. “You know, I could really eat something about now.”

“You, angel? No, I can’t imagine such a thing.”

Aziraphale’s eyes narrowed. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of humour, Crowley.”

“Uh, gotta disagree with you there. Fart jokes, they’re lower than sarcasm.”

“Really, my dear.”

Crowley shot him a teasing sidelong glance. “If you like, I can switch to fart jokes any time. Got a whole slew of new ones courtesy of the Them.”

“I believe that will not be necessary, thank you.”

“You’re no fun, angel. So what food can this infernal pest provide you with? Are you thinking elevenses, or the full meal experience?”

“Elevenses, I think. Perhaps some eclairs? I saw a lovely little bakery on our way over here; we could stop in and get some pastries to take home?”

“Your wish is my command, angel. If you want suspiciously phallic-shaped pastries filled with creamy goo —”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale blushed and lightly slapped Crowley’s arm.

“Well, they are a bit suggestive. The goo spurts out when you bite into it.”

“What kind of penises have you been seeing that you think eclairs are phallic?”

“Didn’t say they look realistic. Just vaguely phallic-ish, that’s all.”

“Honestly, you are a child.”

“Takes one to know one.” Crowley stuck out his tongue, then offered his arm. “Shall we?”

Resting his hand on Crowley’s bent elbow, Aziraphale said, “I’ve quite gone off eclairs now.”

“Come on, angel,” Crowley said as they strolled away. “It’s not like it’s any more suggestive than anything else you eat.”

Aziraphale squawked. “There is nothing at all suggestive about the way I eat!”

“Ha! I should film you sometime when you’re eating asparagus. Or cake, for that matter. The sounds!”

“Are you determined to ruin every food for me? I’ll be too self-conscious to eat anything in public ever again.”

Crowley grinned and put his free hand on top of Aziraphale’s. “I’m teasing. I’m sure nobody else notices; it’s just that I’ve been watching you eat for millennia.”

“And you only just now think to mention how disgracefully I behave? How I sound?”

“It’s one of my very favourite things, angel. Seeing you enjoy yourself makes me happy. And hearing  you enjoy yourself,” he couldn’t resist adding, just to see the blush deepen.

“You are a very naughty demon, and I have half a mind to banish you from the table next time I eat.”

“Yeah, you’d never. Not now you know how much I like it.”

Aziraphale gave him a grumpy sidelong look, but he was obviously trying not to smile. “Perhaps not. But you are under strict orders not to smirk at me while I’m eating. Even if it’s eclairs, or asparagus.”

“No promises, angel. I’d do anything for you, you know, but that one may not be physically possible.”

[Author’s note: Apologies for the Duck Tales reference. I could not help myself. Also, apologies for being really bad at titles: my brain insisted on combining an autocorrect joke with a pun. Obviously, I need more sleep.]

[lululawrence]

lululawrence’s April 2019 Fic List

Click here for previous months’ fic lists

Guess who’s back, back again... I actually wrote that when I drafted this post a month ago and I’m keeping it cause it’s funny ahhaha So this month has been a ride, hasn’t it? I’ve read some amazing fic though, so I’m super excited to talk about it with you! I read quite a few from the Shake Off the Dust collection as well as fics from the beginning of round 2 of @onedirectionbigbang and other various things as I tried and failed to keep up with all the new fic coming out haha We are so blessed to have so much amazing fic. So, without further ado, here are the fics I read and loved this month!

Hazy by @nikogda / nikogda This fic was written for me because I was anxious one day and they saw a post referring to it and they wrote this as a soothing fic for me and lemme tell ya, IT WORKED. It was so soft and... well... hazy. haha I loved it. A great fic to come back to on a rough day, for sure!

Keep Your Hands Up, So I Can See by @goodmorningtoyouuniverse / GMTYUniverse This fic was such a great HP AU! It was enemies to lovers with a touch of misunderstanding and frustrations and just all the good things with cameos by some of our favorite characters from the original series! I loved it very much a lot. It threw me into the world and made me smile quite a bit.

it's in his kiss by @disgruntledkittenface / disgruntledkittenface This is where Maggie took what she wrote through requests on ask and posted them to ao3 for the kiss meme and lemme tell ya! There’s some ships she wrote that I never felt a desire for, and she wrote them so perfectly that I almost started shipping them hahahaa Each chapter is it’s own little world and it pulled me in so entirely that they felt like full fics! How does she do that in such few words? I dunno. But they’re all glorious. Every last one. Defo a great read when things are hard too, i’d read a chapter when I had a moment and it made my busy, stressful days so much better.

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 I think this one was written for the short fic fest, and I loved it so so much! She describes Harry’s movements as “giraffing about” or something like that and I will never stop laughing about that. Add to it that Harry in the fic legit thought Louis was a mannequin and I just DIE. It’s amazing. Such a silly, fun fic!

Soju (소주) by @gettingaphdinmomo / gettingaphdinlarry This is a Shiall fic that just drew me in. It has such a visual and atmospheric pull to it, like all of her fics do, and it makes you almost feel as if you’re somehow there. I dunno how she does it, but her magic is worked for sure with this fic and I had to just sit there, and process when it ended. A fun, short fic to easily get lost in.

Just Go With It by @rainbowsandlovehl / rainbowslovehl (Larrymateforlife) This fic!!!! Meet Cute heaven! It was light and fluffy and awkward and silly and I loved it so much and for real this Brett character was TOO MUCH. hahahahaha With the added fun of the little jokes like talk of organic guacamole etc and I loved it so much. It was the smile I needed.

All I Want Is To Fall With You by @2tiedships2 / 2tiedships2 Mel keeps posting fics that are so fun! How does she do it? This time the crew takes on a ski trip and Louis has to deal with stupid alphas staying in the same cabin without knowing about it beforehand and of course nothing goes to plan! That’s half the fun, though, right? Besides. The alphas aren’t that bad. haha

Do You Wanna Ride by @phd-mama / phdmama She wrote this fic for @justalittlelouislove and I screamed reading it the whole time. I took so long reading it because I kept stopping to scream and share how uncomfortable I was over the obvious awkwardness and sexual tension and it was just SO SO SO GOOD. The embarrassment just gahhhhhhh I loved it.

Strawberries & Cigarettes by @dimpled-halo / dimpled_halo A year later I FINALLY read this and I loved it as much as I knew I would. I wanted pain, and it gave it to me! It gave me pain and healing and a gorgeous story. It was such a great read, I’m so so happy I finally had the time to dedicate to it because it was just. So much of everything I love.

Let It Down by @red--special / red_special This fic has also been on my to read list for ages and I am also so so happy I got to read it finally! It was such a great fic and so much fun and so sexy and funny and awkward and I wanted to bask in it a little longer. It was so so good. hahahaha I keep thinking about the tattoo and I can’t stop giggling. Just do yourself a favor and read this fic. haha

Like A Siren In The Night by @crazyupsetter / whoknows This is an a/b/o fic that I could not get enough of or read fast enough. It’s historical, though that doesn’t play a major role, and the playing with the world building was SO MUCH FUN to read. The way their relationship developed as well was just DELICIOUS. I loved every second of it.

please forgive me if my lips quake by @disgruntledkittenface / disgruntledkittenface Girl direction! With a cat! I was heart eyes the entire fic and once again, such feeling was evoked in it that I wanted to just sit and enjoy it for awhile longer. Sigh. What pure enjoyment! I loved it.

I was the King (tonight let it go) by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren I... Okay listen. lollll I didn’t write this obviously, but it felt like such a self indulgent read I almost wished I had? If that makes sense? It was everything I love. I LOVE the emotional side and thought behind BDSM. Like, that’s most of what makes it so so so interesting and fascinating for me to read, and Sada gave that to us with this fic in DROVES as well as the fighting against natural inclinations etc etc etc. It was just a fab fic and I loved so so so much of it.

Failure to Launch by @all-these-larrythings / Rearviewdreamer Michelle has a way of taking things I don’t know about and making me love them so so so much. This film was one that many I knew loved and I felt mainly meh about it, but I knew if Michelle wrote it I would love it, and I WAS RIGHT. She took all the things I was not fond of in the original and twisted them so it still referenced the original source, but made it so much better. I loved it so so so much because it was so very much like the original film, but also very much her own. 

Come Home to Me by @pocketsunshineharry / ishiplouis I wanted pain, and pain was what I got. I cried and I kept waiting and waiting for things to come together again and they finally did! But WOW the pain leading up to that! It was amazing how much was harnessed in it. I will say, please beware the tags. Some heavy topics are handled in the fic - including some depression/anxiety etc - so please be safe with that. A great read, though! 

fondre ton absence by @scrunchyharry / scrunchyharry OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I just. I’m a sucker for WWI and WWII period anything. It’s one of my favorite periods in history for the social, political, militaristic, just EVERYTHING historically. I find it fascinating and I adore it. I was both excited and wary how this would go then, knowing how much I love it. Well. I cried the entire way through and was in awe of how the time period and everything was handled. It’s an amnesia friends to lovers wartime period-typical homophobia acknowledging fic which basically means it is my dream fic. I cannot rave about it enough, much less the incredible art that was done by @whenthebodiesspeak!!! It was STUNNING and yeah. Just. Amazing. A masterpiece.

An Unbalanced Force by @kingsofeverything / FullOnLarrie MAROLD HAROLD with art by @goodmorningtoyouuniverse! I cried a few times during this one and it was such a realistic and beautiful and comprehensive view of a relationship, of adulthood, of trying to find love again after, just... all of it. It is a study of flawed individuals trying to make do and learning where their lines are and it is gorgeous. I loved it so so so much and I keep randomly thinking about it. A great fic and worth the wait and teasing she gave us over the months! hahahaha

That's What I'm Here For by @taggiecb / taggiecb ANOTHER DREAM FIC, ANOTHER FIC THAT MADE ME CRY! I cannot rave enough about how this big bang has kicked off, like, I just truly cannot. @noellehenry did a gorgeous moodboard for it as well, and I just. Demisexual farmer Louis who has been on his own for so long he just. Hardly knows how to be social anymore and Harry has to come and teach him and I’m about to give away spoilers so I’ll stop but this fic is so close to my heart, okay? I love love love love love it.

To Carry Onward by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry THIS LITTLE FIC!!! I keep yelling, I know. Sorry not sorry. But for real it’s 500 words and just...so full of love and longing and mystery and hope and I cannot. I love Emmu’s words and worlds and this is no exception.

A Spell and A Spark by @dinosaursmate / dinosaursmate It’s out in the world! This fic was everything I needed when I read it. I was having a really rough time, and I would get to the end of those days and get to read this fic and it soothed me, cheered me, and took me away to another world. It was so much fun and just pure joy to read. And then the art that @londonfoginacup made for it! It was such a great combo of writing and art. Another wonderful fic for big bang!

{insert acclaimed artist} was never even in love anyway by underthesunlight This is the first of several fics I read from the Shake Off the Dust collection and it was such a fun read. It was domestic and silly and soft and it made me smile.

Primtemps by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry She’s just so good, isn’t she? I finished this fic and almost immediately went back to the beginning because I wanted to read it again. It’s so soft and you could almost SMELL what she was describing. It was a perfect read of a perfect day and it made me long for the days in the past that I’d had like it. Glorious.

Taking Care of You (Is My Favorite Thing) by @allthelarrylovex / cherrylarry Niam! Not usually my pairing of choice, but I loved it so much. I also very much identified with the shitty allergies aspect of it as I am dealing with that myself at the moment, so it just had me sitting there nodding like IT REALLY DOES SUCK BABES I GET IT hahaha

You Keep Me Warm by @crinkle-eyed-boo / crinkle-eyed-boo (KimmieRocks) I’ve not read Own the Scars yet, but I still read this despite it being a time stamp, and I’m so glad I did. I loved it and it made me smile. It also made me want to read the original, so I can’t wait until I have a chance to!

Love's Gentle Spring by @laynefaire / Layne Faire (HisDarlin) This is also a continuation! It’s a fun addition to her spring drabbles from last year, which are not necessary to read in order to enjoy this, though it does add to the fun hahaha I loved that little series so much and was very very glad she made this addition!

Housewives of Our Lives by @homosociallyyours / homosociallyyours I’ve never watched any of the housewives shows, but that didn’t matter. As usual Megan wrote a fic that had me wanting to be their friend and hang out with them as they did these ridiculous things because it sounded like such fun. I loved it as well.

A Larry Limerick by @kingsofeverything / FullOnLarrie I know this was mostly silly and to be funny, but I enjoyed it so I’m including it here hahaha

sun, here it comes by @louandhazaf / YesIsAWorld and It's been a long, cold, lonely winter by @kingsofeverything / FullOnLarrie I’m putting both of them here, because if you haven’t read them yet you should. They are two sides of the same story, and I fully recommend you read them in the order I listed them too haha I did and it was wonderful and delightful and basically all things good. SO much fun.

just me, him, and the moon by HazHas4Nips This was cuuuuuuute! I don’t even know what more to say, I just keep sitting here and smiling thinking about it. So I guess if you want a fic that makes you smile, this is a great little one. 

Spring Break by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 This fic came out of a partially true story and it was so much fun to finally be able to read what Anitra did with it haha I was giggling and loving it so so much the entire way. As usual. Can’t go wrong.

What's Mine is Yours by @uhohmorshedios / yeah_alright This fic is listed as a Narry fic, and it is, but it’s Narry friendship which made me giggle so so so much! hahaha It was so funny and the way Harry was described and Niall’s just...almost annoyance? I can’t even explain. It’s so much fun. 

Latching Onto You by @reminiscingintherain / reminiscingintherain This fic is pure fluff. Fluff and silliness and all things sweet and good. I was trying to find the best way to describe it and the first thing that came to mind was it was a bowl of sweet dessert and I finally realized it’s a parfait. It’s got layers, but all of it is sweet and soft and yummy. hahaha SO if that sounds like something amazing in a fic, then you defo wanna give this a read! 

Face Your Fears by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren I’ll be honest, I finished this one around 2 am after a very long day and had to wake up too early again this morning, so I still haven’t fully computed this fic lollll Just know the pain is real, it is glorious, the journey the characters all take and the way Harry and Louis’ relationship grows is so incredible, I just... this fic is everything I’ve wanted in an a/b/o since I started reading a/b/o almost five years ago haha 

And that’s my very long fic list from this month! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did if you give them a try. And please remember to leave nice comments and kudos for the authors who work so hard to gift us with these stories! Happy reading :D