beauty-and-passion

[beauty-and-passion]

hey hi i'm coming by again because yes i have more thoughts about exwhylia and euclydia actually i'm mostly here to show you a video!

it's a video called "I Made a 1D Game" by the channel Mashpoe, i think you'll find it interesting!

Thanks for the suggestion! I knew about some 4D games (like 4D toys) and 5D games like chess (which is mindblowing and mindboggling at the same time), but didn't know about a 1D game. It looks awesome and I am very grateful you suggested it!

In turn, I would like to suggest a video too: it's called "Simulating Biology in Other Dimensions" from Curious Archive and it doesn't just mention these 4D and 5D games, but also the 1D game you told me about and other pieces of media that explore more dimensions and how to convey them to the eye (and the mind) or 3D beings like us.

This stuff is cool and awesome, so if anyone has more suggestions, please reblog and add them, we need more multidimensional experiments! Personally, I am still trying to wrap my mind around the actual, full geometry of a 4D shape and not just the "faces" it can show in our 3D world, but it's as hard (and fun) as you can imagine.

[beauty-and-passion]

Do you think Pacifica might be a little older than Dipper?

I wasn't really sure, so I checked the wiki, which confirms Pacifica is the same age as Dipper. However, I like the idea that she might be a little older than him - maybe even just a couple of months. It would be fun for fanfictions!

[beauty-and-passion]

"EYE DOCTOR OF A DIFFERENT KIND / WHO WANTS TO MAKE HIS PATIENTS BLIND"

What would you say Bill's eye doutor being "Of a different kind" could mean? If we go by flatland rules then a doctor would probably be a square? Is that what this means?

My new Crack headcanon is that Bill's optometrist was actually Fanon Purple Square Tad Strange

Your crack headcanon is gold and I love it <3

But seriously, I think that the "EYE DOCTOR OF A DIFFERENT KIND" was just another way to tell us that this isn't a simple optometrist like the ones in our world.

Think about it: a 2D creature is shaped (a-ah) differently, compared to a 3D being like us. They are biologically and physically different. For example, a 2D being cannot have a digestive system like us, because they would be split in half by it.

But speaking of eyes in particular, we can be sure of two things regarding them:

a 2D creature has an eye on the side, to see at a 2D level. This also explains why Bill's eye was "a rare mutation": it wasn't on the side, but on the face.

Bill's eye doubles as a mouth too.

So if we take these two elements into consideration, we can safely assume that a 2D optometrist doesn't just check the sight and/or the structure of the eye, but maybe it checks the mouth too - and who knows, maybe also the eating/digestive system of a 2D creature?

Personally, I imagined that the optometrist was a bit like a family doctor: it takes care of the Shape in general, starting from the most important organ (the eye/mouth), to everything else. Hence why, the optometrist is an "eye doctor of a different kind": because it's not a simple optometrist, but a doctor in the broadest sense.

What kind of shape would it be? Oh, that's an interesting question! If we go by Flatland rules, the doctor should be a Square or a Pentagon ("Our Professional Men and Gentlemen are Squares (to which class I myself belong) and Five-Sided Figures or Pentagons."), but we are unsure if Euclydia follows the same rigid social hierarchy as Flatland.

However, I would like to see a Square or a Pentagon as a doctor. It would be nice - and implicitly confirm that there is a social hierarchy and Bill is indeed a Tradesman of the middle class.

[beauty-and-passion]

CCCC Vol.1 - Concord: end and beginning (2/2)

Hello and welcome to the final part of this analysis.

Oh boy, what a long ride it has been! But now, it’s time for the last recap, so we can finally wrap the loop - and connect it to the beginning, as Chonny intended.

So, what happened until now?

We know the story is a loop. The starting point of this loop is an event, a calamity, that leads to a split in Chonny’s mind between Heart, Mind and Soul: a failed romance (probably)

At first, the three sides tried to cooperate as one, but then Mind started to point out the flaws in Chonny’s plan to confess to his crush

Scared by Mind’s influence, Heart intervenes, tries to subdue him (the Juno Incident) and pushes Chonny to confess. Chonny doesn’t: he misses his shot and so does Heart

Overwhelmed by apathy, Heart leaves full control to Mind

Mind tries everything to get a reaction out of Heart

When he fails, Soul intervenes and they get reunited again

The joy of being whole again gives Chonny a rush of optimism and enough confidence to revisit his memories of the failed romance.

And now, here we are. Chonny remembered what happened. What will he do now? What did he already do in all of the previous loops?

<- Previous post - First post

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Greener: declaration of intent

Right after the end of this failed romance, Chonny does the most human thing ever: he wants to talk about it. And since he’s an artist, what better way to do it, if not by using the artform he knows?

This song is a declaration of intent: Chonny wants to talk about his experience - but not just that. His mind is dark, twisted and chaotic, so why just talk about one experience, when he can let out some of this internal turmoil too? As he said in the Q&A, he wanted to talk about duality and logic vs emotions, so why not add them to the story he wanted to tell? Why just talk about a failed romance, when he can expand it by showing the contrasts in his own mind through Heart, Mind and Soul’s characters?

Chonny starts to think about this. He wants to do it and he states it with these words:

Wherever this goes, whatever ensues These songs are my own, these songs aren't for you But still, I'm so glad you're listening

Chonny reconfirms what he said since Mucka Blucka: he’s not writing these songs for the public but for himself. To better understand himself, his own mind and that duality of logic/emotions he’s (rightfully) fascinated about.

That also confirms he’s a real artist, because artists don’t make art for others: they make it primarily for themselves. Not because they’re heartless, but because making art is a need. When I write, it’s because I’m pushed to do it. It’s because I have a weight on my chest or words in my head or images that keep repeating - and the only way to calm them down (and calm myself) is by putting them on paper. It’s like breathing: you just have to do it, to feel better, more satisfied and more complete.

Even though the public isn’t the primary reason behind art, every artist wants a public and every artist is immensely grateful a public exists. Even if the art is personal, knowing that someone else got something from your work, experienced, lived it… it makes everything even more important. You’re sharing a part of yourself and someone else, no matter if it’s next door or on the other side of the ocean, accept it and react to it.

And I want to focus a bit on the last point, because art is all about human connection. You’re reaching people you will never reach nor meet and with something you created, you touched them. You made them happy, sad, angry, it doesn’t matter: you still influenced them and they reacted to it. You made a connection and I can assure you, 90% of the artists need it to feel less alone.

This is what makes art so precious: it’s not just a way for us to express ourselves, but also to get a connection with another being. To not just be in our place, alone, but find others, talk to them, talk with them.

If Chonny hadn’t made this album, cj-anon would’ve never told me about that. I wouldn’t make these posts. You wouldn’t interact with them. We wouldn’t talk, connect, have fun together. We would be alone. If we’re not, it’s only thanks to art.

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Special: inner fears

Chonny has a plan, a story he wants to tell, things he want to talk about. So, what’s the first feeling he get right after this planning?

Asking himself if he’s special or not.

Mood.

Seriously, when has anyone started doing anything, by thinking “Man, I’m so great and this will go as smoothly as I planned it”? Of course Chonny questions himself, of course he’s full of doubts. And it’s even worse in his case, considering he’s full of dark thoughts and recently came out of a failed romance - failed because he didn’t give it a try, because why should his crush stay with him? He’s not special at all.

So, again, very understandable.

But while in the past (and in the future of the loop), Chonny would’ve surrendered to these thoughts, now he thinks he can find a way to cheer, by switching perspective (aka “the key change”).

And it works:

So maybe I'm unique and maybe not But I might as well deliver all I've got

He’s still full of doubts, he still don’t know if he’s special or not. But he’s an artist and making songs is “what I can do” (The Whole World & You). So he will do it.

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Taken for a Ride: a perfect conclusion

I have two possible interpretations for this song.

1) This song is meta from the real Chonny

The real Chonny (not the character) takes center stage to talk about his whole album: he explains the thinking process behind the writing of every song, his goals, the problems he faced. He emphasizes how personal this whole album is, because he poured a lot of himself inside it (“my blood, my sweat, my open doors”).

And now, the story is over. He’s aware of the missing parts/explanations, but there wasn’t a beginning either. And why shouldn’t there be a beginning or an ending? He’s still young, he still has a lot of years ahead. Maybe his story hasn’t begun yet. Maybe the real obstacles will come in the future.

For now, all he knows is that he’s whole again. He told the story he wanted to tell, he reached Concord and now his artistic need is satisfied. He doesn’t need to write more, at least for now.

And yet, his public asks for more.

However, Chonny doesn’t give a straight answer. By mentioning his public, he acknowledges people want more. He’s aware of that - and who knows? Maybe this will push him to write more in the future.

For now, he knows people want more from him. Maybe, when the artistic need wakes up again, he will make more songs and tell another story.

2) This song is still part of the storyline

In Special, Chonny said he would “deliver all I’ve got” and so he did. He made an entire album, to talk about his failed romance and all the themes he wanted to explore.

So, he talks/remembers the process behind the writing, his goals, his difficulties. He makes it clear he poured all of himself in it, as he promised (“my blood, my sweat, my open doors”).

Now the album is done, the story is told.

And the public’s reactions is strong. Stronger than he expected. They want more songs, more covers, more of him.

So... what happened? Well, we can guess from the previous hints scattered throughout the album:

Chonny is a man with dark thoughts, anxiety and low self-esteem

In The Heart Acoustic, Heart said “as complacency settles, anxieties will rise/And part this Soul as Jekyll parted Hyde”

Over and over Chonny will point out all he does are covers

And this part of Time Machine:

So, look Oh God, look at what you've done now to me Locked into eternity I'll be back here one day, so they say Rumors have that I will write a different song Trying to get it right all afternoon

I believe Chonny’s mind started to spiral. What if people liked his songs, only because they were covers? What if all they wanted wasn’t him, but to listen to songs made by others? Was he even able to write anything by himself?

His anxiety rose, while his self-esteem sank: he was stuck in a loop, always making the same covers. He wasn’t able to get out, not while his mind kept spiraling down. The “me left on the shelf” (aka Mind) was put aside, while Heart and his chaotic feelings were taking control.

Therefore, this song becomes the starting point of Time Machine: a man with a confused, fractured mind. A man who wasn’t believing in himself. A man who was stuck always doing the same thing. A man closed in a loop, in which he doesn’t feel like he will go out and is forced to relive the failure that started the loop in the first place.

That makes CCCC a loop that keeps repeating over memories of what happened. The first time, Chonny failed his romance, wrote the album, anxiety took over, made him feel he wasn’t able to achieve anything by himself, and started the loop. The loop is a constant reminder of how much of a failure he is, only to cheer himself up, to fall again into a new depressive cycle.

I don’t know if this second interpretation is correct and Chonny said it’s up to us to interpret his album as we want. But from someone this skilled and clever, I like to think he played a lot with metaphors and tragedy, so I prefer this second interpretation too. Also because it connects extremely well to Time Machine and what kind of loop would it be, if the beginning and end don’t coincide?

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In conclusion

It took me an eternity to make this analysis of the whole CCCC album - and I was trying to restrain myself. Just imagine the endless pages if I let myself ramble about every little stupid thing XD

But I really, really wanted to talk about this album. It has been a wonderful surprise and I enjoyed it a lot. It was clever, it was interesting, it was funny. And Chonny really has a way with words. Good for you, mate, I wish you a great career.

Also, there were you all. You, with your kind replies, reblogs and your incredible affection. I've been in several fandoms and, despite being small, this is one of the nicest I've ever seen.

So, for you all who stayed with me until the end: thank you. Thank you for all the time you spent here, with me, listening and appreciating my ramblings. I hope those posts have been a good reading and you enjoyed yourself as much as I did by writing them <3

If Chonny makes something else, maybe we will meet again in the future to talk about him and CCCC again. Or maybe, we will meet in some other posts soon. Who knows? If the future can still hold a lot for him, why not for us too? ;)

Thank you for your time and always take care of yourself <3

(How about a coffee? ☕)

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[beauty-and-passion]

So... The Vengeance Saga

Mr. Rivera-Herrans is really trying to release the entire musical by the end of this year, isn't he?

But seriously, the dedication this man has for his project is admirable. He drops song after song and even if they're not all bangers, the quality is still extremely high. He deserves all the money and appreciation he's getting - and same goes, of course, for all the talented people who gave their voices! These songs wouldn't be as impactful without those great artists, so they deserve love and recognition too.

Said that... well, this saga is even more videogame-y than the last. We get the big boss battle and the closing of a resentment that has been going on for ten long years. And even if it was great and I understand it for the overall plot and how it's gonna close in the last saga, I am also a bit perplexed by it.

But let's start from the beginning.

__________________

Not Sorry For Loving You: just like Done For was a way for Mr. Rivera-Herrans to expand more on Circe's mentality and reasons, this song tells us more about Calypso and why she acts the way she does.

Calypso is young - not physically, but mentally. She has always been alone, so she never had someone who taught her best or explained to her what love is. She never saw other people being in love or having any kind of relationship. She doesn't understand what love is.

However, she is enamored with the concept of love. The idea of having someone else to keep her company. So when she found this man on her shore, she fell in love immediately - exactly like a young girl with her first crush.

And, in a way, that's how she acts with Odysseus: she gets immediately, completely obsessed with him and ignores his life and relationships. She doesn't see him as a separate human being with his own mind and reasons: Odysseus is just her lover, that's the role she designed for him and the one he must play. Like a kid playing with a doll, Calypso plays with him and forces him inside the dollhouse she designed for him (Ogygia).

But then teens grow up and learn that other people are more than their dolls: they are their own persons, they have their own wants and needs and said wants and needs may differ from the ones the teens forced upon them.

Calypso never grew up, because she never met other people, nor had any example of human relationships: she has always been stuck in the "teen mentality". So now that the toy has been taken away from her, now she has to deal with the truth that Odysseus has never been hers. That he has always been his own human being, with his own wants and needs. And that she's not part of them.

Of course now she's angry and desperate, of course now she doesn't know what to do and how to deal with rejection: she never had a real relationship with another human being. She never had anyone, besides him. She herself said it!

And now, unfortunately for her, she has to face the harsh truth: Odysseus never loved her. And now that he's leaving, she will be alone again, left to think and ponder about what happened. And, hopefully, learn from her mistakes and mature.

__________________

Dangerous: Hermes is back and brings another banger of a song. I love all the voices of this musical, but the way he laughs and sings is just <3 <3 <3

I also noticed how Odysseus reacts with a lot of confidence and firmness to Hermes' words. Is he going to face dangerous things? He's accustomed to danger, he can and will be dangerous as much as he needs. As he said: "I'm gonna use ruthlessness".

And oh boy if he will.

__________________

Charybdis: I am a bit disappointed by the lack of voice or, well, anything else from Charybdis. It's just a random monster and the battle isn't even so interesting. It's just a monster after all and Odysseus gets past it fairly easily - he just uses his cleverness and bam, problem solved. He didn't even need the "mindset change" Hermes talked about.

I get that this song is more of a "link" between Odysseus leaving Ogygia and his meeting with Poseidon but... I don't know, I think it could've been used better. And Charybdis deserved some more attention - or at least to speak/make any noise at all.

__________________

Get in the Water: Poiseidon is back, baby. And he's still as pissed as he was 10 years ago.

Ah, the Greek gods. Huge stubborn babies.

I would also like to point out the crescendo in Odysseus' actions towards Poseidon. First, he tries to let the whole "vengeance/being pissed at him" thing drop:

Aren't you tired, Poseidon? It's been ten years, how long will this go? We're both hurting from losses So why not leave this here and just go home?

Then he tries to convince Poseidon to forgive him:

Maybe you could learn to forgive?

So the next step is supposed to be another clever trick, right?

Weeeeell... not exactly.

__________________

Six Hundred Strike: we all love a boss battle. The music is truly epic, worth the confrontation we waited for so long. The voices are incredible, both Jorge and Mr. Rodriguez have been incredible in conveying a ton of emotions into their lines.

And the Rule of Cool plays a huge role here, in making Odysseus look as badass as ever. The way he orders Poseidon to call out the storm, the "exactly" he says while he picks up the trident, his last chilling line... he's the king of Ithaca, sure, but also the king of badass.

The ultra-violence was not what I expected, but I am not complaining about that either. I understand this choice: it shows how much Odysseus changed over time, how he became the monster and it works as a great preview of what we will see in the Ithaca saga. Also, it's a clever solution for the narrative: the gods are immortal, so why not use this immortality against them?

Having said all that, what's the problem?

I just think it feels a bit rushed. The moment before, Odysseus was still trying to talk to Poseidon and reason his way out of this confrontation - like he should do, since he's famous for his silver tongue and his ability with words.

But the moment later, he gets out of the water with a goddamn jetpack and resorts to brute violence. Like... what?

I am not saying it cannot work, just... I think it should've been played differently. Maybe by giving him a bit more time to go from 'talk' to 'violence'.

Also because: how am I supposed to believe Odysseus is a monster, if one moment before he was still trying to reason with Poseidon? He didn't try to reason with the sirens, he tricked and killed them all. He didn't try to reason with Scylla, he just got past her. And he didn't try to reason with Calypso either, he was just too wrapped up in his own trauma, to do anything besides begging to die and/or leave.

But here, he tried to reason with Poseidon. And then, bam, violence. Again, it can work, but it needs more time/lines. Enough to show us, idk, that trauma overwhelmed him and because of that, he stopped reasoning and resorted to brute force? If the scene underwater with his loved ones dragging him down was supposed to convey this... well, it wasn't enough for me. It should've taken at least a few more lines.

Also, @oreramar made a great point in their post: what is preventing Poseidon from retreating and going back in the future to pursue his vengeance? He waited 10 years and we know he holds grudges: what stops him from waiting 10 more years and coming back to destroy everything as he threatened Odysseus to do? Or what, being stabbed is enough for him to drop the revenge idea entirely?

However, if we consider the original poem, the other gods basically helped Odysseus behind Poseidon's back and the revenge idea disappears once the Phaeacians bring him home... so, well, Poseidon dropping the revenge idea is coherent to canon :P

And now... one saga left. The last one! We already reached the end! It felt like yesterday when I found out about this musical and started following its genesis... soon, we will see its conclusion.

But before that, as always, shower the current saga with love, stream it, listen to it and enjoy it. It's a great work and deserves it.

[beauty-and-passion]

Do you believe there is any particular reason as to why women in Euclydia are not lines like they are in flatland? Like, Bill's mom is clearly a triangle too. Also why are women lines in flatland anyway what is that supposed to mean

I don't really remember if there was a specific reason why Women in Flatland are Lines - and if someone knows of a specific Victorian reason or a reason Abbott himself mentioned, then feel free to correct me.

Personally, I think Women are Lines because lines, half-lines and segments are all part of the Euclidean geometry. And since Abbott was talking about a 2D geometric society, he wanted to include that part of geometry too.

For the sake of the story itself, Women as Lines is a great choice: A Square, the protagonist of Flatland, spends a lot of time talking about Women and explains how their shape, despite being considered lesser than multilateral shapes like Squares, Pentagon, Polygons or Circles, is way, way more dangerous than theirs.

A Flatland Woman can potentially kill any shape: since their ends are pointy, they are basically invisible to a 2D creature's eye. So, if a Woman stands still, a Shape can potentially bump into her without noticing and, since she's so pointy, she can easily pierce through the shape (especially if it's a multilateral one) and kill it without any problem.

That's why Flatland Women have to constantly waggle their ends and signal their presence through vocalizations called "Peace-cry": because otherwise they would be invisible killers.

Also, they're subjugated to men because... well, of course they're not as mighty and multilateral as the Circles, who are the highest authority in this world. And since this world is based on the number of sides and regularity, Women can never be on the same level as Circles.

Speaking of that, I would like to cite this part regarding the Colour Bill, a historical event mentioned in the book: this bill proposed that every shape should be painted of different colors to identify them (and replace therefore the Recognition by Sight). But when talking about Women and Priest (aka Circles), the bill suggested they would be painted the same way:

"When it was objected that Priests and Women had no sides, they retorted that Nature and Expediency concurred in dictating that the front half of every human being (that is to say, the half containing his eye and mouth) should be distinguishable from his hinder half. They therefore brought before a general and extraordinary Assembly of all the States of Flatland a Bill proposing that in every Woman the half containing the eye and mouth should be coloured red, and the other half green. The Priests were to be painted in the same way, red being applied to that semicircle in which the eye and mouth formed the middle point; while the other or hinder semicircle was to be coloured green."

And yes, it's extremely ironic that the female sex, considered so ignorant and inferior compared to the high Priests, was put on their same level - if not above.

Of course this was all a satire that aimed to expose the awful situation of women in Victorian society. And I love how Abbott decided to do it: by implying women are much more powerful than the authoritarian figures - so powerful that if the Colour Bill passed, they would've easily gained status, power and knowledge, three things the authorities are taking away from them:

"At home they (Women) might hear political and ecclesiastical secrets intended not for them but for their husbands and brothers, and might even issue commands in the name of a priestly Circle; out of doors the striking combination of red and green, without addition of any other colours, would be sure to lead the common people into endless mistakes, and the Women would gain whatever the Circles lost, in the deference of the passers by."

Having said that... I really don't know why Euclydia's women are not Lines as well. Maybe it was a way to imply that, since this society is apparently more "evolved" compared to Flatland's, women and men have the same rights and social status. So there's no need to put them into a specific category and make a satire.

Also, this choice emphasizes the playful, "childish" vibe of this world: like a kid can put together two triangles and imagine they are a couple, so Bill's parents are both triangles because they have the same shape. It fits more with what we talked about in the previous ask, about Euclydia's colorful, less serious world/society.

Sure, there may be rules we're not aware of - maybe only Triangles can have Triangles as offspring in Euclydia - but for now, I think that's why women in Euclydia are shapes and not lines:

women and men have the same rights (so no need to build a satire like in Flatland)

the playful nature implied in this world

what Bill said in the AMA years ago, about his dimension having 14 billion genders: with so many genders, enclosing women into a specific shape would've been weird, I suppose

[beauty-and-passion]

I honestly think Filbrick could have found a much less radical way to separate his children. One that didn't involve turning one of his children into a homeless person who began to live in his own car since he was 17 and couldn't even finish high school. Filbrick's problem is that he doesn't think, he just does.

I couldn't have said it better, anon: Filbrick doesn't think, he just does. Best definition ever, that's it, that's him.

And maybe that's why I think Filbrick is fascinating as a character: because he grew up surrounded by stupid rules and conventions about being tough and "a real man", so when there's a problem, he acts like "a real man" should. He doesn't think, he doesn't ponder if it's right or wrong. He just does.

Even more tragic, is that he thinks this will educate his sons. By showing who "the man" is, by being strong and tough and never saying sorry or showing weakness, his sons will automatically respect him and become "real men" too. In his mind, that's how kids should be raised and become men.

And he doesn't know any better. He doesn't even question if there is another, more efficient way to deal with such kind, sensible kids like his sons. He doesn't even think there is another way. A man should be always strong and proud and never weak, so that's what he does.

And when he gets angry, since he (probably) never learned how to deal with feelings, he loses control and just acts. Stan admitted he hurt Ford? Stan out. No questions, no thoughts, just pure instinct.

[beauty-and-passion]

CCCC Vol.1 - Concord: the last piece (1/2)

Hello and welcome to the final act of CCCC!

We have finally reached Concord, so let’s do a quick recap of what happened until now:

This story is a time loop. The starting point of this loop is an event, a calamity indeed, that leads to a split in Chonny’s mind between Heart, Mind and Soul

The three sides know they’re stuck in a loop and, at first, they try to cooperate to come back into one

But then the contrasting nature of Heart and Mind makes them drift apart: Mind starts thinking about becoming the new leader, Heart develops a crescent fear of Mind’s influence

Overwhelmed by his fears, Heart tries to overcome Mind (the Juno Incident). He fails and the consequences of his action lead to apathy

Resigned, Heart let Mind take control

Mind tries to get a reaction out of Heart, first by insulting and scolding him, then with threats

Soul intervenes and obliges the two of them to try and harmonize or he will end them both. They find a way to harmonize again

The success leads to an “optimistic wave” that makes Chonny more confident and helps him accept his own imperfections

Since now they’re stronger enough to face them, his sides ask Chonny to revisit his memories.

And so, in this act, Chonny will do just like that: he will come back to the start.

<- Previous post - First post

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Welcome to Tally Hall (Intro to Concord): deconstruction of the original

What better way to start, if not from the beginning?

Chonny immediately points out two things here:

he “butchers” Tally Hall’s songs, even in ways that are far from nice

he does it out of his own egoistical needs

In other words, he reaffirms what he already made clear during the Cacophony act: he’s not making simple covers, but he’s telling us a story. And in doing that, he “butchers” the original songs.

But, think about it: isn’t “butchering” what everyone does, when they take inspiration from something? We never take all the elements of another work. There’s something a bit of this and a bit of that and we put them together into something new, it’s never a 1:1 copy of the original. Also because, if it truly was a perfect copy, then it’s not “taking inspiration” anymore: it’s just stealing.

So yes, Chonny might “butcher” these songs, but everyone butchers what they love, in order to create something new from it.

_______________________________

Banana Man: the importance of criticism

Chonny is clearly a huge fan of Tally Hall. I mean, this entire album is made of songs from Tally Hall: it’s pretty clear he appreciates them.

However, he’s also mature enough to take off the rose-tinted glasses of a fan, look at this song and admit that yes, it is problematic and yes, Tally Hall can make mistakes too.

Does this take away something from his appreciation of the band? Does it make his love less real?

Think about the people you love: you know of their flaws, you are aware of them. And yet, you still love them.

That’s the same for every artist and art form. The perfect work doesn’t exist and every artist can make mistakes. You can love them and you can think of these mistakes as your guilty pleasures… but be aware of them. What’s wrong in admitting: “yes, I know this is shit and it has these mistakes, but I still like it”?

And, in general, what’s wrong with criticism? Pointing out the flaws of a work is very helpful:

for the artist, because they can realize what the mistakes are and improve their work

for other artists, so they know what they should avoid

for the artwork itself, because the work no one talks about is a dead one

_______________________________

Haiku: the failed romance

Chonny started his recollection of memories, by talking about Tally Hall, his Muse, his source of inspiration. He made it clear he’s a fan, sure, but he can also admit when they make a mistake.

Then, Chonny moves over and talks about a previous love, someone who piqued his interest, to the point he wanted to write an haiku for them.

And yes, I am sure this is in the past, because he keep using the past tense: it’s never “It is all for you”, but “It was all for you”.

So he tried to write this haiku, to keep his Heart and Mind at bay and do it… but something happened. He failed, he “stabbed himself”.

But how? Why? And how can all of this connect to Cacophony?

_______________________________

Hidden in the Sand: the missing piece

So:

Chonny likes this person.

He writes a song for them and he’s pretty satisfied: he thinks he got it right.

When he examines it through the rational lenses of his mind, he finds out all the flaws.

He convinces himself he will be rejected, if he even tries to show it.

He feels like he missed his shot.

Well, isn’t all of this weirdly familiar? Doesn’t that all remind you of something?

Night: Heart and Mind are cooperating, but then their differences emerge. Mind starts thinking he can be a better leader, because Heart is too flawed. Heart convinces himself Mind is dangerous and can destroy everything.

Ruler of Everything: Heart takes his shot and misses.

The events of these songs are way too similar to the events here to be a mere coincidence. And I have two possible explanations for this:

EXPLANATION 1

The events of Night and RoE are a parallel of the events in Haiku and Hidden in the Sand. It's the failed romance that led to the split and the time loop, so when Night happened once again, the memory of the previous events influenced the ones in the loop. This also explains:

Mind saying he was in charge before (he was referring to the pre-loop events)

Heart’s motives and fears: he feared Mind’s influence because he already saw what that influence could lead to

The circularity of time: Heart took his shot and missed the first time, so when he tries again he fails again

EXPLANATION 2

The events of Night and RoE are a metaphor for the events in Haiku and Hidden in the Sand. That means all these songs talk about the exact same event. The failed romance is the reason why the time loop exists and it’s within it. In other words, the events go as follows:

Chonny has a crush and writes a song for them. His sides, for now, are still trying to cooperate.

Mind’s influence becomes stronger: he notices the flaws in Chonny’s song, he starts to think he can be a better leader than Heart.

Chonny starts to think if he confesses to his crush, he would be rejected. Parallel to this, Heart starts to fear Mind’s growing influence: if it grows even more, Chonny might never confess his feelings.

Heart tries to convince Chonny to confess to his crush. This is metaphorically represented in RoE with Heart taking the gun and trying to shoot Mind/subdue him and his influence.

Chonny does not confess, he misses his shot. Heart, metaphorically, misses his shot as well and suffers the consequences of the failed romance.

Everything that follows is what Chonny experienced, after the failed confession.

According to this second possible explanation, when the sides ask Chonny to remember (Variations on a Cloud), they’re not asking him to relive something outside of the time loop, but the reason why the loop exists in the first place.

That puts the entire CCCC into a new perspective because every time the loop starts again, Chonny relieves the romance, its failure and its consequences (Cacophony), until he finds enough strength to put himself back together. And once he grows confident again, he can relive these events (Concord), only to break apart again, put himself back together again and relieve them again in a neverending cycle.

That also implies the romance wasn’t the reason behind the split, but that the sides were already splitting before. And this is very interesting, because it’s implied that Chonny is a dark person even before he starts to talk about his crush. And yes, maybe this can serve as a foundation for Volume 2.

-> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[beauty-and-passion]

Ah yes, that time of the year.

The time to B O O P

[beauty-and-passion]

also yes i think you should talk about dipcifica i love the old man yaoi as much as the next guy but i also will always crave this kind of "coming of age" love story

Glad to comply! Here are my points about why Dipcifica is canon and endgame and everything:

1) Dipper and Pacifica are a walking "enemies to friends to lovers" trope. It literally started with Dipper saying to her face he doesn't like her, what's more clichè than that? When he said it, all I could hear was "We will definitely become a thing in the future".

And guess what? After a while, Dipper changed his mind: now he doesn't think Pacifica is the worst anymore. The next step is admitting she's great, asking her out and becoming a couple.

2) "Northwest Mansion Mystery" is basically a huge Dipcifica manifesto, thanks to the introduction of more tropes like:

the characters are put into nice suits

Pacifica fixes Dipper's clothes like a good wife

these two share an adventure together - which is universally something that would strengthen the bond between two people

their daring escape ends with a hug, given out of a sincere emotional reaction

the hug is followed by some cute awkwardness (especially from Pacifica's side)

Dipper and Pacifica share a heartfelt moment in which she reveals her insecurities, something we can be 99% sure she doesn't usually do. Also because... with whom can she share them? Her parents? Her supposed friends?

Dipper changes his mind about Pacifica after understanding her a bit more (which is always the interlude for the development of romantic feelings)

Pacifica finds the strength to do the right thing, only after Dipper sacrifices himself

the episode ends with them having fun together, laughing and enjoying their time. Also, it's implied they probably spent some time after the party to clean up the mess they made - so who knows? Maybe they shared some more time together and talked a lot more.

I mean... I've seen love stories start with less than that.

3) Dipper and Pacifica have another adventure together in Lost Legends. The formula is similar to Northwest Mansion Mystery: Pacifica has an issue (caused by her shitty parents), Dipper doesn't understand what her problem is, they share a heartfelt moment in which she reveals her weakness, Dipper tells all the right things, they hug, Pacifica does the right thing.

This is another way to reconfirm what the episode in the series already told us: these two have chemistry. They are meant to be. They are a walking enemies to friends to lovers trope - with a side dish of "slow burn" too. And we all love slow-burn stories <3

But this adventure shows us something else: how things have changed since Northwest Mansion Mystery and especially how Dipper's attitude has evolved towards Pacifica. In the episode, he is still very wary of her and makes it clear multiple times that he dislikes her.

Now he says this:

This is basically the Dipcifica equivalent of "I once considered him the center of my life, the sun in my galaxy", only with less toxic old men yaoi and more wholesomeness

it shows how Dipper's attitude is more mature

it implies he can and will develop romantic feelings for her. I mean, look at it: "I've noticed another side of you", "I see the real one and you're more than a pretty face"... gosh, if Pacifica hadn't fallen in love before, she definitely did after that.

it also shows Dipper's growth regarding women: my boy went from making huge, complex plans to talk to them, to lying to get random girls, to saying the truth in such a smooth way. He's great with girls when he doesn't try, he makes me so proud <3

4) Now I know what you think: great points, Bea, but does this couple have Mabel's approval stamp? Billford got it with Mabel calling Bill a clingy ex and telling him to get a crush on someone else's Grunkle. Does Dipcifica have Mabel's approval?

The answer is yes:

Do I have to say anything else? I think Mabel already said anything. Dipper and Pacifica are. A. Thing.

And yes, I know what you might say: they are kids! Sure they are, but that doesn't mean there can't be anything in the future. There is time for them to grow and for these feelings to develop. What we saw in the series and in Lost Legends are the crumbs, the foundation of something bigger that can evolve in the future.

And this is a great foundation because it's plausible and stable. Dipper and Pacifica's interactions never sound forced or out of character: on the contrary, they are built in a way that conciliates both personalities and justifies their changes and evolution.

If we can easily imagine a future for them, it's because their change is organic, it works in the long run - Pacifica can easily become better and better, while she works out her issue and shows the beautiful person she is. And Dipper can easily become more and more aware of what a great girl she is and start to develop deeper feelings for her. It's not impossible to imagine. It works.

And yes, this proves again how well Hirsch developed Gravity Falls and its characters, if we can easily imagine a future for them just out of a few, well-built interactions.

[beauty-and-passion]

Stan's "Wheel of Shame" in thisisnotawebsitecom reveals that when Stan failed a history test so badly that he got a "mathematically impossible" F-, Filbrick's reaction was to make Stan stand outside for two days with a sign saying "Extra Stan-3 dollars or a better offer" and that (aside from an IRS agent) only Caryn showed up to his fake funeral, implying that Filbrick refused to go because he was still angry at him. What are your thoughts on what we learned about Filbrick at This Is Not A Website Dot Com?

Considering the new things we learned, I think it proves my point even more: Filbrick was a man of his time, unable to express his feelings in less stern, "tough" ways.

Leaving your own son out with a sign as if you want to sell him it's awful and if someone tries to do the same today, they should be put straight into jail and the cell key should be thrown into a lake. But for Filbrick's mentality (i.e. the mentality of a man from 1920 more or less), this was probably the only way to show how truly angry he was at his son's failure.

Failing in school wasn't a novelty for Stanley - so it probably wasn't a novelty for his parents either. But taking the worst grade ever (im)possible? It's very plausible that it lit Filbrick's short fuse immediately. So, once again, if we add:

his superpower of getting immensely angry immediately

the mentality of a man from 1920 - when getting good grades was essential and fundamental to prove your worth as a person

we get a punishment that made zero sense, didn't help Stanley in the slightest and only proves how angry Filbrick was. In fact, we never see Stanley trying to replicate or to take something useful from it: it was just a petty and useless reaction, period.

While not going to the funeral... I don't know why, but I just thought Filbrick was already dead and that's why he didn't show up :P

But if he wasn't dead and didn't show out of anger... well, I wouldn't be very surprised either. Old people are stubborn and old people from past years were even more stubborn. I have stories of people from my family / the town where my grandma was born, who held stupid grudges for so long, to refuse to show up to the other person's funeral. Maybe because the other person broke some stupid social rule or maybe because they couldn't do something that wouldn't have been "socially acceptable" or some other stupid shit.

Yes, unfortunately, that was a thing. And yes, it's as stupid as it sounds.

So, if Filbrick was still alive, I don't find it very weird that a man in his... what, 80es? 90es? refuses to attend his son's (fake) funeral, because he still holds a grudge and, according to the social conventions he followed for all of his life (i.e. a man should be tough and never say sorry), cannot afford to show any weakness - not even for his own son.

And if today we can look at these kinds of behavior and realize how stupid they are, I can't help but feel a bit of pity too, for how these people ended up wrapped in their own stupid social conventions and grudges for so long, to not back up even when facing death.

[beauty-and-passion]

Oh? Oh? What do I hear here, if not the sweet sweet sound of angst?

First of all, thank you so much for your contribution: your trauma was terrible and you have all my support for this.

Second: oh boy, that headcanon is fire and I love it. I LOVE the idea that, once the anger went out, Filbrick went straight to denial. I love the idea that he repeated himself that of course Stanley would come back - why wouldn't he? He never listens to anything he says, he's always going around and causing trouble! Of course he would come back, he's Stanley! It's impossible he actually left, right? He will never actually listen and leave for real, right? Right?

Third: the image evoked by your own experience works beautifully for this headcanon too. I love the idea of Filbrick driving the car while he brings Ford and Caryn somewhere and, out of the blue, he says something like "Of course he will come back. He never listens, of course he will. You know he will".

And he doesn't even need to explain who "he" is, because of course it's Stanley. And no one needs to answer too, because they all know Stanley truly disappeared, but don't want to openly say it. No one wants to break that denial - despite knowing very well it's just denial.

Fourth: Filbrick driving around in the dark? Love it. I love the idea he lied to justify these night drives (like: "I need to take some fresh air", "There's nothing on TV this evening", "I am visiting a potential client" or other stupid excuses), then drove around, searching for any sign of Stan. I like the idea that he doesn't even ask anyone, nor say anything: he just drives and drives and drives for hours. Then, he comes back home and goes to sleep as if it's nothing. He doesn't need to explain - he doesn't explain anything. And the night after, he does the same thing. Beautifully tragic, great angst.

So I was reading your post about Filbrick and I want to ask a question about this parts of the post:

"From his point of view, Filbrick just heard Stan admitting he destroyed his brother’s life, by making him lose a chance that will never happen again."

"He made Ford lose an occasion that will never come back."

"Because before ruining the family, Stan’s action ruined his own brother’s future. He could have studied in a great school, instead of a mediocre one. And this is not something any parent would see, for none of their kids."

So, you are trying to say that Filbrick believes in retributive justice and that's the reason that he kicked Stan out of home? Like "You ruined your own brother’s future and destroyed his life and I will show you the same courtesy". He responds fire with more fire, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, that sort of thing.

Honestly, I don't think Filbrick thought at all, when he kicked Stan out of the house. What we got from the series (especially from Lost Legends) is that Filbrick is a guy with a short fuse, who tends to reach instinctively to things.

This is what I think happened here too. Filbrick heard Stan admitting he was hurting Ford, so he did the first instinctual thing that popped up in his mind: he protected the hurt son, by keeping the other away.

If he stopped to think, he would've probably found it very weird that Stan deliberately messed up his brother's life and questioned the whole situation a bit more. But that wouldn't have been Filbrick: he's a tough guy with a short fuse and he connected everything in his mind in the simplest possible way. One son hurt the other? Separate them.

I articulated it in a more complex way, but I don't think Filbrick made complex reasoning about Ford's future: his train of thought was probably much simpler, much more of a "son hurts other son -> separate them". Probably, on a more subconscious level, he made all the reasoning I explained, about how Stan admitted he just ruined his brother's future (according to him at least) and how painful it was to see a talented son forced into mediocrity. Maybe this is also how he processed everything that happened in the following years. Maybe he even gave voice to these thoughts, while talking with his wife and Ford.

But in the heat of the moment when he kicked Stan out, I doubt he made any of these reasonings at all. I believe it was more of an instinctual reaction of someone who wanted to protect the hurt son. And yes, by doing so he ended up hurting the other son, but we also know that Filbrick isn't the best at delicate mechanisms like psychology or feelings.

[beauty-and-passion]

HEY I JUST FINISHED READING ALL YOUR GRAVITY FALLS POSTS AND IT WAS A BLAST THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THOSE!

i really didn't know much about flatlands so your explanation of it was so cool! seeing it all fall in place as you explained euclydia, your dissection of billford, it was all so great! thank you so much for writing those analyses.

also have you realized that Exwhylia stands for X-Y-lia? as in x and y in an axis? when i first read it i thought it was just gibberish

it'd make sense of exwhylia to have no color, unlike euclydia, which feels like a kid's drawing of colorful shapes, exwhylia is more akin to geometry homework

Actual footage of me, reading this ask.

It's always beautiful to know people appreciate all the time I spent on those analyses. I would've spent it either way because Gravity Falls is my special interest and it will always have a special place in my heart but still, it's nice to see it.

About Exwhylia: honestly, it took me longer than I'm willing to admit to realize that hey, the name stands for X and Y. And of course it stands for X and Y, because to make a cartesian plane, you need X and Y coordinates. It was so obvious and so clever - and I'm an idiot to not get it instantly :P

And yes, you have a very good point! Even the name suggests that Exwhylia is more of a "geometry work": after all, cartesian planes are used in school and for algebra, too, if I recall correctly. So it seems to imply a more "serious", less colorful world.

On the other hand, Euclydia makes you think of colorful geometric shapes, like the ones used to explain the basics of geometry to kids. So yes, it makes more sense that it's a world full of colors. Also, I like the idea that this world was more advanced than other 2D dimensions simply because it had/allowed the use of color—and, as I explained, color led to developments in sight, writing, and even society.

This also makes Bill's story even more tragic because despite being in a world that was slightly less oppressive than many others, it still wasn't enough for him. Euclydia was advanced compared to other 2D worlds more akin to Flatland, but it was still too tight for Bill. It implies that no matter how advanced his home dimension had been, Bill would've never fitted in.

[beauty-and-passion]

So I was reading your post about Filbrick and I want to ask a question about this parts of the post:

"From his point of view, Filbrick just heard Stan admitting he destroyed his brother’s life, by making him lose a chance that will never happen again."

"He made Ford lose an occasion that will never come back."

"Because before ruining the family, Stan’s action ruined his own brother’s future. He could have studied in a great school, instead of a mediocre one. And this is not something any parent would see, for none of their kids."

So, you are trying to say that Filbrick believes in retributive justice and that's the reason that he kicked Stan out of home? Like "You ruined your own brother’s future and destroyed his life and I will show you the same courtesy". He responds fire with more fire, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, that sort of thing.

Honestly, I don't think Filbrick thought at all, when he kicked Stan out of the house. What we got from the series (especially from Lost Legends) is that Filbrick is a guy with a short fuse, who tends to reach instinctively to things.

This is what I think happened here too. Filbrick heard Stan admitting he was hurting Ford, so he did the first instinctual thing that popped up in his mind: he protected the hurt son, by keeping the other away.

If he stopped to think, he would've probably found it very weird that Stan deliberately messed up his brother's life and questioned the whole situation a bit more. But that wouldn't have been Filbrick: he's a tough guy with a short fuse and he connected everything in his mind in the simplest possible way. One son hurt the other? Separate them.

I articulated it in a more complex way, but I don't think Filbrick made complex reasoning about Ford's future: his train of thought was probably much simpler, much more of a "son hurts other son -> separate them". Probably, on a more subconscious level, he made all the reasoning I explained, about how Stan admitted he just ruined his brother's future (according to him at least) and how painful it was to see a talented son forced into mediocrity. Maybe this is also how he processed everything that happened in the following years. Maybe he even gave voice to these thoughts, while talking with his wife and Ford.

But in the heat of the moment when he kicked Stan out, I doubt he made any of these reasonings at all. I believe it was more of an instinctual reaction of someone who wanted to protect the hurt son. And yes, by doing so he ended up hurting the other son, but we also know that Filbrick isn't the best at delicate mechanisms like psychology or feelings.

[beauty-and-passion]

CCCC Vol.1 - Cacophony: back into one (5/5)

Wow, we’ve reached the end of the Cacophony act!

Let’s recap the story until now:

Mind and Heart try to cooperate, then start drifting apart because of their natural differences

The Juno incident fucks everything up

Heart surrenders to apathy, he leaves Mind in full control of the vessel

Mind berates Heart whenever he can, trying to get a reaction out of him. He fails so much, in the end, he thinks Heart is nothing more than a virus that should be removed.

And since now things can become truly dangerous, Soul finally intervenes.

<- Previous post - First post

_______________________________

The Soul Eclectic: the real ultimatum

* Soul’s nature

Heart is associated with “acoustic” to emphasize his connection with songs and Mind with “electric” to emphasis his nature as “cynical machine”. Soul, on the other hand, is associated with “eclectic”, to point out how broad and variegated his nature is.

He admits this firsthand, by saying “you can call me whatever”.

* Soul’s leading role

While Mind and Heart fight and bicker about who the leader is, Soul simply appears and:

scolds them both like kids (“Call me your host or call me insane/If that will help you stay in line”)

reminds them that no matter who the leader is, they still answer to him

reminds them that neither of them can control the Soul

calls them parasites living inside of him and scolds them again for nothing useful aside from their constant bickering

Mind or Heart might fight for leadership, but Soul is clearly a superior power - some sort of authoritarian/adult figure who controls the other two.

And yes, he’s not nice to them at all, but he said it since Dream: he’s tired of their bickering.

* Soul’s awareness

Soul is more aware than Heart and Mind about how right and wrong they are. Why each of them tries to insist that they’re 100% right and the other is 100% wrong, Soul can see that it’s more of a 50/50. He has a more detached, external view to their discussion - and a more objective one.

Also, he can see that they’re exhausting themselves: in order to win their stupid war at all costs, all they do is deteriorating their vessel.

And since Soul doesn’t want to destroy the vessel and resort to suicide, all he can do is give a real, final ultimatum. They have one last chance to cooperate. If they fail again, Soul will bring both of them down with him. And unlike Mind or Heart, who are equally powerful and thus cannot bring the other down, Soul proved he’s more powerful than them. So if Soul wants to destroy them both, he can definitely do it.

_______________________________

The Bidding: the reunification

There are four things in particular that got stuck with me here:

1) For the first and only time, Heart talks shit about Mind. He calls him “the piece of shit”, admits he stole his throne (aka his leader role) and even points out Mind never was the ruler - probably referring to a moment before the time loop (maybe the same Mind hinted in Be Born).

And Souls not only confirms that, but he points out it doesn’t really matter who the leader is, because neither Heart nor Mind can fully control him.

So the leader position is basically useless. Heart and Mind are equal. Sometimes, one can be more prominent than the other, but that’s it, they still won’t overcome Soul.

And if it sounds very realistic, it’s because it is.

2) All Soul needs is to confirm they will die today if they do not harmonize and bam, Heart and Mind find a way to harmonize. Talking about being persuasive and the true leader.

3) The harmonization happened over this line:

“Your silence (violence) deafens more than any sound”

Heart and Mind managed to find common ground only while stating their mutual distaste for each other. And yet, this is a step forward, because while stating “yes, I don’t like you”, they also point out the core reason why they do not like each other. The foundation of that mutual distaste.

For Heart, it’s Mind’s silence: that same silence from Night, after Heart asked Mind “What do you want?”. The silence that made his anxieties rise, that convinced him of Mind’s dangerous goals. The same silence that pushed Heart to act and led to the Juno incident.

For Mind, it’s Heart’s violence: the same violence we talked about in The Mind Electric, the violence that struck Mind the most because he was supposed to work with this guy and yet not only Heart tried to kill him, but even dug a hole for him.

And by pointing them out at the same time, they managed to switch perspective and see the problem from the other side’s point of view. Heart saw his own violence, Mind saw the effect of his own silence. It’s extremely clever and Chonny made it even more clever with the switching colors.

4) As soon as they harmonize, Soul immediately drops the suicidal thoughts and rejoices. It was a weak attempt, it wasn’t very harmonious either, but it happened and that’s what matters the most. No matter how flawed it was, they still managed to do it.

As I said in my first post, it’s very typical of people with suicidal tendencies to drop the idea of suicide and immediately latch to a possible hope, no matter how small it is. And since Soul is closer and more similar to Chonny than the other sides, it makes sense he shows this kind of behavior. Heck, he even begs the other two sides to try again to harmonize. He, who was sick and tired of their constant bickering, who was ready to resort to suicide, as soon as he found some hope, immediately got his strength and his will to try again.

And no, it’s not weird, because it’s the same thing that happened in Dream: right from his very first song, Soul showed how tired he is, but also how hopeful he is. And if there is even one small possibility of success, he wants to give it a try. He did it with the time loop, he’s doing it again now.

_______________________________

Light: blurring the lines

*Soul’s payoff: as soon as Soul decides they should blur the lines, Mind and Heart’s rhythms change: Heart’s becomes more robotic, Mind’s becomes softer. I don’t know you, but to me that looks like another confirmation that Soul is the most powerful of the three sides.

And his hard work is finally paying off: by switching perspectives, Heart and Mind can better understand each other, to the point they manage to unify and Chonny as a whole can finally sing.

*Whole!Chonny is incredibly human: he’s the perfect representation of an ex-suicidal on the road to recovery. He still sees his flaws and imperfections, he’s still a “sad sulking mess”. But the negative, dark, pessimistic feelings are taking a step back, because of the overwhelming optimism born from the previous spark of hope in The Bidding. Going over something as dreadful as the idea to die makes the will to live grow stronger - consequently, the love for life increases too, as well as all positive, optimistic feelings. Even if things are still far from perfect, the mere idea of being alive is enough to push Chonny forward and convince himself things can go well.

_______________________________

We’re Gonna Win: a positive perspective

*Connection to Sanders Sides: after so many songs in which they were always at each other’s throat, Heart and Mind finally comes to the realization all they need is each other.

This heavily reminds me of the song Family of Me, from Thomas’ playlist. The interpretation I gave at the time is the same of this song: even if you’re physically alone, you’re never truly alone, because there will always be these parts of you at your side. Friends and family can disappear, love can fade, but your own self will never betray, nor leave you alone.

*Building confidence: If you think it’s a lonely though, consider this from the point of view of an ex-suicidal as Chonny: knowing that, no matter what, you’re never truly alone reassures you a lot. You’re not left to deal with these dark thoughts by yourself, there is always someone who loves, cares and supports you. It calms you, it reassures you - and it makes you more confident. You won’t fear being alone anymore, because you have yourself.

*After a heartbreak: this realization helps a lot especially after an heartbreak. Heartbreaks tend to make people feel weak, wrong, incomplete. But once you realize you’re not alone because you have yourself and yourself is all you need, then the ex isn’t so essential anymore. You can survive without them. Chonny survived without them. And if he’s alive now, it’s thanks to his own strength, not a loved one. Hence, he can face everything now.

*A burning passion for art: as soon as Chonny realizes he can do anything, he immediately reconfirms his love for songwriting and states he wants to make his own songs, until the day he dies. What a perfect representation of what the love for art is.

_______________________________

Two Wuv: the religious theme

We can’t have psychological stories without a sprinkle of religion.

This album makes it very clear that Chonny was/is a dark, depressed, disheartened person. A person who thought and talked about his dark thoughts, suicide and how bad he was feeling.

And yet, when he did it, the people around him failed to understand, help or accept him: they told him to cheer up, to stop talking about this, to “play the happy song”.

Is it so hard to believe that some religious figure told him the same? That instead of offering him the solace he needed, condemned him for being who he is and for his thoughts? That instead of helping, they made it worse?

So, Chonny taking a stand is very, very brave. He doesn’t just admit his flaws to himself, but he does it to the people around them, his family and religion itself. He goes against those huge old institutions to reaffirm who he is, flawed and all.

And, honestly, this is closer to Jesus’ original message, than the religious teachings he probably got. It’s more Christian to love someone for who they are, as long as they’re good people at heart, than judging people according to labels and arbitrary rules.

_______________________________

Variations on a Cloud: synchronized harmonies

Chonny is a lot more confident now. The Bidding started an “optimistic wave” that led him to a bigger understanding of himself and a higher self-esteem. He’s even strong enough to face the people in his life and show himself for who he is - the imperfect, flawed, human person he is.

But still, no matter how flawed he can be, he’s not alone. He has his sides with him, a “tridental sovereignty” helping and supporting him.

So, he shows this by letting them sing and showing us how they all work together now. Sure, they may have slightly different lines, but there is harmony. They are moving together in the same direction.

And so, since they’re all on the same page, they make the same ask: to “keep it coming back”. But back to what?

In the original song, this line was about memories. And here I think the meaning is the same: they are asking Chonny to remember. To revisit what happened, in order to find a closure. Now they’re together, they’re harmonized: they are strong enough to do it.

So Chonny does it and goes back to the start.

_______________________________

The Whole World & You (Outro from Cacophony): a meta retrospective

We have several voices here, all explaining what happened during this arc and drawing their conclusions:

*Chonny (alongside Heart) reconfirms his goal was the same as the Q&A: he wanted to sing about love and duality, the “blues and greens”, his dark thoughts. He wanted to better understand himself. And, if you remember, this exploration of himself always went hand in hand with a sense of inadequacy, because he was just making covers, “singing songs someone already sung”, not writing new ones. Everything he said was “trite”.

But now, he’s finally at peace with this. He made covers and he loves to do them.

*Mind reveals it was all a test. He never forgot the original goal to become one, never. He simply played a part: Heart was Dr. Jekyll, so he just played Mr. Hide. And since Hide is the villain, Mind played the role of a villain.

Honestly? I believe him. Because, for the entire Cacophony, Mind kept trying to get a reaction out of Heart. He repeated he wasn’t a villain, trying to make him understand he’s not the bad guy. He kept blaming and scolding Heart, trying to get something out of him. And when the insults didn’t help, he moved to actual threats, hoping those would do the trick.

But also: Mind really really wanted that leadership position. And the way he kept pointing out how Heart “dug a hole for him” showed some real hurt. So maybe yes, it was all a plan. But this plan definitely had some personal components.

*Soul can finally relax. He endured Heart and Mind, he managed to make them harmonize. He’s on the other side of the time loop now, the worst is in the past. Things will be easier from now on.

In fact, this is the end of the “lore-packed” act. Now Chonny will “go back”, as his sides asked. He will talk about the past, himself and his work.

But before doing that, he offers his thanks to his Muse, the inspiration behind his work: Tally Hall, the original authors of these songs. After all, without them and their songs, this album wouldn’t exist either.

So just like a book starts with the credits, Chonny starts reminiscing his story with the credits as well.

-> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[beauty-and-passion]

My dear! I needed some time, but you needed to! And I am more than happy to reply <3

---------------------------------

Happy to help with healthy tips!

Oh, don't worry, I know sticking to a diet is HARD. My mother has to stick to some diet, but cannot do it and the same goes for my brother. Food is just too good and relaxing too relaxing, I perfectly know.

In fact, what pushed me wasn't "I want to be slim and cool", it was "I don't want to suffer from winter cough anymore". My body basically said: "Either you do something, or I will keep tormenting you forever". I was forced to do something by my own self.

So, if I can give tips and advice that may help, I am more than happy to oblige!

Cooking: is actually a lot easier than it seems! Especially for basic meals, all you have to do is cut vegetables, cut meat or fish, put everything in a pan with olive oil (it's better than butter) salt and water and voila, the stove will do the rest.

Maybe the most difficult task is cleaning raw fish, but once you try, it's easier too: all you have to do is:

clean the scales

cut the belly and take out the organs (they're all conveniently stored in the front, so once they're out you're done)

cut the head, tails and fins (unless you like them? I don't, so I simply cut them out with a knife)

Or you can just buy raw fish/meat already cleaned and done and use them :P

Meals prep: I learned this from my father, but always cook stuff with water. I used to put olive oil only and that was basically like frying - which is the least healthy way to cook. Now I add some water, then let it evaporate while cooking, so in the end there is just a little bit of it in the casserole.

Also, basically zero sauces aside from olive oil, a little bit of salt and vinegar for salads. Only now I'm slowly adding juniper and turmeric but only to season the meat a little. The rest of the time I use oil, salt and I may add one clove of garlic (that I take out before eating) or a little bit of onion just to give a bit more seasoning.

Meals suggestions: I can gladly share some because I searched for ideas, especially at the start, and couldn't find a lot. So if I can save you the trouble of a long research, I am happy to oblige :D

For example, aside from the couscous+vegetable mix, I also planned for this month:

basmati rice with pumpkin soup (I cut the pumpkin, boil it, blend it, let some water evaporate, cook rice on the side, then add it)

basmati rice + spinach (they cook on two separate pans, then I add them together)

gluten-free pasta + chards (just like rice and spinach)

stuffed peppers (grind some zucchini, carrots and potatoes, then add olive oil, mix and put inside the peppers, then in the oven with some water)

potatoes and pumpkin (cut into big pieces and cooked in the oven)

peas and bacon or tuna

spelt soup with zucchini or carrots

chicken breast / rabbit with broccoli, cauliflower and Brussel sprouts (cook separately, then put together)

green beans with potatoes (or any other kind of vegetable)

green beans with corn and olives (cold version for summer)

mackerel with potatoes and zucchini in the oven

cream of pumpkin and carrots (I boil them, blend them, then eat with rusks)

spinach or chard by itself

While for breakfast I planned some meals like:

overnight porridge (I put in a cup oats, greek yogurt, one kiwi, almonds or nuts and honey)

omelet with eggs and vegetables (I can add prosciutto too, to add more proteins)

aged cheese + nuts + honey

rusks and strawberry jam (I use one with no sugar added and no seeds)

cookies with no milk or eggs (they're from a specific brand, so I don't know how they are made. However, I tried to eat them once in a while because they have a lot of carbs - and I'm trying to cut them a bit)

oats + almond milk + fruits

melon and prosciutto or bresaola

fresh fruits and honey

And all of them have one cup of herbal tea included.

Also, if I crave something sweet, I usually go for honey. I am lucky enough to get it from a beekeeper (my cousin), so I am sure it's good. Also, it's natural, so it's way better than any sugary premade/packaged product.

While for exercising, all I can suggest you is:

to arrange a specific room/place/spot specifically for exercising. Put your clothes, mat and everything else already there, so you won't waste time searching for them everywhere.

Possibly, put a mirror too, so you can check if you're doing your exercises well.

Put on nice clothes. They will make you feel better and happier, so you will feel more prone to exercise, just to wear your cute outfit.

There are a ton of apps, so you can rely on them. I used them from the start, because 1) I hate gyms, 2) I hate people around and 3) I'm too lazy to get into the car, go to the gym, change my clothes and follow some training... uuurgh, no thanks. I want something quicker and doing at home it's much better: I decide what to do, do my exercises, take a quick shower and cook my dinner. Best solution for me.

If you get bored easily (like me), apps are great, because you always switch exercises. Don't do the same thing over and over, it will get boring faster. If there's a specific training you like sure, go for it. But if you get bored, you can change anytime.

Last but not least, all you need is willpower and I am sure you will find it. I mean, I found it and I'm a lazy bum, so you can find it too, I am 100% sure of that! And if you need any support, I'm always here, rooting for you! ✨

---------------------------------

A pain that never leaves

My dear, I am near you and I am sending you the biggest virtual hug ever. It's terrible when a loved one leaves and when it's an animal, it's the worst kind of pain.

This one in particular was probably immensely painful and I can only imagine how terrible it was to keep spending time with him, knowing that the clock was ticking and the time was running out. It's terrible and I am immensely sorry for your loss.

The thing is: my neighbours had a very similar experience to your own. They also had a cat and he got sick too. So sick the doctor told them that, if they wanted, they could've kept him alive. But it would've been painful - and for what? Just a couple more months? So, in the end, they decided to let him go.

However, let me point out: their cat was very old. He was 20, so an old boy. And his sickness was something bladder-related, so it was actually very painful for him.

Now I don't know how old your baby was and what kind of disease it was. But if it let him live a bit longer, spend time with his other friend and with you, his beloved owner... I don't think it was a bad decision to keep him alive a bit longer. Also because the other choice is very, very painful.

My neighbors made the other choice and the husband wasn't even able to stay in the same room, when his cat died. He waited outside, crying. His wife stayed with their cat until the end, but seeing her beloved pet close his eyes in front of her... it was heavy. She still remembers it and talks about it with heaviness in her voice.

So... well, maybe it won't be a great consolation, but it would've been hard both ways. Either looking at him go or finding him already dead. It's awful in both cases. It always is.

And you deserve all the time in the world to process this and recover: spend time with your loved one, with your other beloved cat who still needs you, get some time outside, meet your friends. Losses are always hard - and if someone tells you "It's just a cat get over it", tell them from me to jump in a lake.

Also, having both "sides" of what could happen, makes me think about what I will do when my cats will get too old and sick. How will it be? I know it will be painful and I will need a lot of time to recover because they're my first pets too (or, well, my first cats). But what will happen? What will I do? Still don't know. I only know that day will come and I try to cherish our time together as much as possible - and to give them the best possible life. They're our babies and they rely on us: giving them all the love is the bare minimum.

---------------------------------

One step at a time

Again, take all the time, my dear. Find stuff you enjoy, visit friends, eat that sweet sweet treat you were craving. And try to build your life back together one step at a time: sport helps you clean your mind and relax a bit, healthy foods will distract you and make you feel fuller, friends will make you happy and stuff you enjoy will give you more, different stuff to think about.

And don't worry, you will get out. You already did, so you're a tough one! One more bad time? Psssh, that's nothing for a pro like you. You can do anything you want and if you want to get out of it, you will. As always, I am rooting for you 💖

Beau!! Hello! How have you been?

My dearest! I'm sorry for taking this long to reply, but things happened, which means one thing and one thing only: time for a life update post. This time, with healthy tips included ✨

_________________

Sleep is for the weak (and the not-weak)

Last week my mother had knee surgery. She had to do it something like 5 years ago, but hey, better late than never.

The problem wasn't the surgery per se: that went well and she's currently in a clinic for a rehabilitation period, so she can be followed by professionals.

The real problem arose right after the surgery: for the first three days, she was supposed to recover, sleep and start working out asap. But she couldn't do shit, because her roommate was an older lady, who:

had just recovered from Covid but was still suffering from heavy coughs

had dementia and talked by herself all the time

was half-deaf

And that means every goddamn night, that lady kept coughing, snoring and talking. For the entire night non-stop. Loudly.

My mother spent three days without being able to sleep. She managed to get 3/4 hours of sleep in total. With a throbbing, constant pain in the knee because of the surgery.

She asked to be moved elsewhere since day one, but no other room was available. She waited for three days, protesting and crying, until the doctors finally managed to find another room and moved her in immediately.

Now she's still suffering from the pain, but at least she can get some sleep. And the sleep did wonders already: she can bend her knee some more, stand up longer, and do more exercises at the gym. So the moral of the story is that if sleep is important for a healthy person, it becomes essential after such an invasive surgery - and even more if you're stuck in a bed because you can't go anywhere else.

_________________

There is never enough time

This year I finally entered the list of teachers in my area. Thanks to my degree (and the course I followed), I have been able to apply for two positions: German teacher and/or special educator. However, I am also working on getting enough credits to apply for English soon because... well, it's the language I use daily. Even now.

English aside, I know there are a ton of people on that list, so I didn't expect to get a call very soon. And yet, I got one last week and it was for German! Hence why, now (and for a month) I will replace a German teacher in two different schools.

I made something like 6 lessons for now and immediately learned a lot of things, like:

Every student has a different vibe: there's the 16yo who is overexcited, the 17yo who is full of personality and the 18yo who is interesting on a human level. There's the aloof student, the one who wants to learn and the one who looks at you with the happiness of a dead fish.

Speaking of grammar, I don't remember shit about German. Hence why my first "teaching days" have been a race against time of me trying to summarize all the rules of the German language on slides. Imagine putting down all the rules of a language on slides. Now imagine doing it in 3 days, with the nagging fear of "what I will say to the kids next week" and a mother who is constantly crying because she cannot sleep. The word "stress" doesn't convey enough of what I experienced, I was on a tightrope.

There is never enough time. I barely entered the school and immediately found out there are councils to attend and tests to do and students need grades and I should plan them too - but I should prepare the lessons as well and 24 hours are not enough for all this shit.

My need to get everything under control is becoming even more compulsive than usual: every free moment is made of planning, planning and more planning. And yes, that's the reason why I disappeared from Tumblr and from life in general. Only now I am slowly trying to get some of my life back, because after that huge peak of stress, I really need to relax a bit and do something for me and me only - like writing.

_________________

Being healthy can be fun

I've always had symptoms of gastrointestinal reflux, like stomach pains, slow digestion, late meals and being a fast eater in general. And, of course, a goddamn cough that keeps tormenting me for the entire winter, only to magically disappear as soon as spring comes.

Hence why last year I finally went to a gastroenterologist. He too thought I had all the symptoms, but I needed some medical checks to be sure.

Also, since I was bloated and overweight, he told me to follow the typical diet of someone with reflux. Which means:

No milk and dairy products (except very aged cheese), no red meat (i.e. beef, pig), no seafood, no bread, no pasta, no cookies/sweets, no legumes, no fruit (only apples, bananas and kiwis allowed), no drinks except for water, no fried stuff and no spicy/too seasoned stuff

Yes to white meat (poultry, rabbit), fish, vegetables, gluten-free pasta, rusks, eggs

That meant changing A LOT of things. Before that diet, I was eating healthy stuff overall, but I was also eating milk, dairy products, bread, pizza once a week, legumes and a ton of fruits with seeds. Heck, my breakfast was cookies and milk only, every day. Two of the things I couldn't eat anymore.

But hey, the doctor said it, so I followed his advice: I came back home, ate the last piece of my leftover pizza for dinner and gave all the stuff I couldn't eat to my mother. Then I went shopping the day after and got all the "allowed" foods.

I have been following this diet for one year and a half by now. And if the first day I was asking myself "will it work" and "what the heck can I eat", now this is how I live. And a lot of things changed.

First, my breakfast was boring and repetitive. Now I have a ton of options: any kind of vegetable milk, from oat to almond. But also soy yogurt, hummus, rusks, overnight porridge, fresh fruit, almonds and walnuts with honey, aged cheese, prosciutto, bresaola or eggs with vegetables. And always a cup of herbal tea.

Herbal teas are a blessing: almost no calories, but fill up nicely. And I can make them with stuff that grows in my garden, like laurel or mint leaves. Even apple peels are great!

I didn't always eat vegetables before. Now vegetables are on my table 24/7: as a salad, with couscous, with rice, with gluten-free pasta, in a soup, with eggs, together or by themselves.

Vegetables fill you up WAY more than junk foods, for less calories and for a longer time. That means I always eat a full plate of vegetables (sometimes even two plates) and be full for hours, while still losing weight.

Before, I ate too much processed food. It looked healthy (like premade rice, fishsticks, frozen minestrone and so on), but it was not. It never is. That's what made me gain so much weight and I realize it now.

I rediscovered the pleasure of cooking my own meals. Now I cook once a day (for dinner only) and double the amount, so I have the next day's lunch ready. And still, it doesn't take a lot of time: the stove or the oven does most of the job, all I do is cut stuff with a mandoline slicer and put it on a pot/on a pyrex. Also, it's cheaper than premade foods: if I buy the raw ingredients, I spend less money and can make more meals.

Before, my meals were too complicated and I used too many ingredients. Now my meals are much simpler - and that's not just great for my digestive system, but for me too, because I can enjoy the single ingredients more. Also, it takes less time to cook.

In conclusion: what I feared would've been an oppressive regime with limited choices was instead a way for me to discover foods I would've never eaten otherwise. Brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, rice cakes, oatmeal, hummus and Greek yogurt: those are all part of my life now and oh boy, how delicious they are.

In addition to the new diet, I also added a more serious exercise regimen. I am too lazy to go to a gym and I hate having people around, so I brought a yoga mat, put the gym clothes in the same spot and set on a daily alarm. Also, searched for different apps to guide me throughout the exercises and make a training session in my place.

I started with 20-min yoga sessions almost every day. Then added more beginner's training. Then tried tabata, moved to HIIT, then pilates. I just kept raising the bar and made my sessions last longer, until it became a routine. And now my routine includes:

20 min HIIT training (I switch focus between cardio, abs and core, lower and upper body)

20 min pilates

20 min yoga

I follow it 3 to 5 times a week, but I also walk more, use the bicycle and take the stairs. This alone would be pointless, if I am not as active as possible the rest of the day.

The result? I am 153 cm (5ft) tall and before I started this new regime, I weighed 64 kg (141 lb). Now I weigh 46kg (101 lb). I lost 18 kg in total and it has been a constant, slow change. At first 2 kilos every month, then one, sometimes not even one.

And during all this time, I never had huge expectations. I didn't even step on the scale for a long time. I just kept following the diet and doing sport and enjoying it. My only goal was to not get the winter cough.

I didn't even notice real changes, until after a while. They came all together and one day, all my pants were too loose and clothes that were too tight before now fit me perfectly.

And now I still keep that chill attitude: I plan my meals at the beginning of every month, so I can be sure of what to eat every day (also, it makes me happy to know what tasty meal will wait for me). I keep doing my exercises, because they help me relax (especially in these last stressful days).

And yes, once in a while, I get a treat not included in my diet. I mean, a diet is supposed to be what you habitually eat, not a temporary thing: it's only fair there may be things you're not supposed to eat too - like sweet treats, seafood, some dairy stuff or a pizza. What matters is that I can control myself, so I know that I get this treat now, but the rest of the time I will stick to my diet.

And, honestly, most of the time I don't even crave these things. I can eat just some and be okay. I am far from starving, after all, especially if I get some nice food, like today's meal: basmati rice with peas, Brussels sprouts, zucchini and pepperoni for a total of 500 grams aka 2 full plates. As I said, starving is out of question :P

So the moral of the story is:

If you're trying to lose weight and you're doing everything right but still don't lose it, seek medical help. I had no idea what I was doing wrong, until I checked with an expert.

If you get a diet, stick with it religiously, especially at the beginning. Ran from all temptations, because they can be very strong - especially at the beginning. Then you can come back and face them, when you will be in control.

Do some sport, especially yoga. It doesn't just help you lose weight, but clears your mind and makes you feel better. And don't push yourself too much: you're supposed to do it more times a week, so just start slowly and build resistance. It's better to do a little every day, than give your full self one day and recover the next 2 weeks because you're too sore. Once you will get enough strength, you will be the first to realize you want to do more.

Have fun and chill. Results won't come the day after, just do your things, eat good food and do some good exercise. And enjoy life in general: it would be all pointless, otherwise.

[beauty-and-passion]

Beau!! Hello! How have you been?

My dearest! I'm sorry for taking this long to reply, but things happened, which means one thing and one thing only: time for a life update post. This time, with healthy tips included ✨

_________________

Sleep is for the weak (and the not-weak)

Last week my mother had knee surgery. She had to do it something like 5 years ago, but hey, better late than never.

The problem wasn't the surgery per se: that went well and she's currently in a clinic for a rehabilitation period, so she can be followed by professionals.

The real problem arose right after the surgery: for the first three days, she was supposed to recover, sleep and start working out asap. But she couldn't do shit, because her roommate was an older lady, who:

had just recovered from Covid but was still suffering from heavy coughs

had dementia and talked by herself all the time

was half-deaf

And that means every goddamn night, that lady kept coughing, snoring and talking. For the entire night non-stop. Loudly.

My mother spent three days without being able to sleep. She managed to get 3/4 hours of sleep in total. With a throbbing, constant pain in the knee because of the surgery.

She asked to be moved elsewhere since day one, but no other room was available. She waited for three days, protesting and crying, until the doctors finally managed to find another room and moved her in immediately.

Now she's still suffering from the pain, but at least she can get some sleep. And the sleep did wonders already: she can bend her knee some more, stand up longer, and do more exercises at the gym. So the moral of the story is that if sleep is important for a healthy person, it becomes essential after such an invasive surgery - and even more if you're stuck in a bed because you can't go anywhere else.

_________________

There is never enough time

This year I finally entered the list of teachers in my area. Thanks to my degree (and the course I followed), I have been able to apply for two positions: German teacher and/or special educator. However, I am also working on getting enough credits to apply for English soon because... well, it's the language I use daily. Even now.

English aside, I know there are a ton of people on that list, so I didn't expect to get a call very soon. And yet, I got one last week and it was for German! Hence why, now (and for a month) I will replace a German teacher in two different schools.

I made something like 6 lessons for now and immediately learned a lot of things, like:

Every student has a different vibe: there's the 16yo who is overexcited, the 17yo who is full of personality and the 18yo who is interesting on a human level. There's the aloof student, the one who wants to learn and the one who looks at you with the happiness of a dead fish.

Speaking of grammar, I don't remember shit about German. Hence why my first "teaching days" have been a race against time of me trying to summarize all the rules of the German language on slides. Imagine putting down all the rules of a language on slides. Now imagine doing it in 3 days, with the nagging fear of "what I will say to the kids next week" and a mother who is constantly crying because she cannot sleep. The word "stress" doesn't convey enough of what I experienced, I was on a tightrope.

There is never enough time. I barely entered the school and immediately found out there are councils to attend and tests to do and students need grades and I should plan them too - but I should prepare the lessons as well and 24 hours are not enough for all this shit.

My need to get everything under control is becoming even more compulsive than usual: every free moment is made of planning, planning and more planning. And yes, that's the reason why I disappeared from Tumblr and from life in general. Only now I am slowly trying to get some of my life back, because after that huge peak of stress, I really need to relax a bit and do something for me and me only - like writing.

_________________

Being healthy can be fun

I've always had symptoms of gastrointestinal reflux, like stomach pains, slow digestion, late meals and being a fast eater in general. And, of course, a goddamn cough that keeps tormenting me for the entire winter, only to magically disappear as soon as spring comes.

Hence why last year I finally went to a gastroenterologist. He too thought I had all the symptoms, but I needed some medical checks to be sure.

Also, since I was bloated and overweight, he told me to follow the typical diet of someone with reflux. Which means:

No milk and dairy products (except very aged cheese), no red meat (i.e. beef, pig), no seafood, no bread, no pasta, no cookies/sweets, no legumes, no fruit (only apples, bananas and kiwis allowed), no drinks except for water, no fried stuff and no spicy/too seasoned stuff

Yes to white meat (poultry, rabbit), fish, vegetables, gluten-free pasta, rusks, eggs

That meant changing A LOT of things. Before that diet, I was eating healthy stuff overall, but I was also eating milk, dairy products, bread, pizza once a week, legumes and a ton of fruits with seeds. Heck, my breakfast was cookies and milk only, every day. Two of the things I couldn't eat anymore.

But hey, the doctor said it, so I followed his advice: I came back home, ate the last piece of my leftover pizza for dinner and gave all the stuff I couldn't eat to my mother. Then I went shopping the day after and got all the "allowed" foods.

I have been following this diet for one year and a half by now. And if the first day I was asking myself "will it work" and "what the heck can I eat", now this is how I live. And a lot of things changed.

First, my breakfast was boring and repetitive. Now I have a ton of options: any kind of vegetable milk, from oat to almond. But also soy yogurt, hummus, rusks, overnight porridge, fresh fruit, almonds and walnuts with honey, aged cheese, prosciutto, bresaola or eggs with vegetables. And always a cup of herbal tea.

Herbal teas are a blessing: almost no calories, but fill up nicely. And I can make them with stuff that grows in my garden, like laurel or mint leaves. Even apple peels are great!

I didn't always eat vegetables before. Now vegetables are on my table 24/7: as a salad, with couscous, with rice, with gluten-free pasta, in a soup, with eggs, together or by themselves.

Vegetables fill you up WAY more than junk foods, for less calories and for a longer time. That means I always eat a full plate of vegetables (sometimes even two plates) and be full for hours, while still losing weight.

Before, I ate too much processed food. It looked healthy (like premade rice, fishsticks, frozen minestrone and so on), but it was not. It never is. That's what made me gain so much weight and I realize it now.

I rediscovered the pleasure of cooking my own meals. Now I cook once a day (for dinner only) and double the amount, so I have the next day's lunch ready. And still, it doesn't take a lot of time: the stove or the oven does most of the job, all I do is cut stuff with a mandoline slicer and put it on a pot/on a pyrex. Also, it's cheaper than premade foods: if I buy the raw ingredients, I spend less money and can make more meals.

Before, my meals were too complicated and I used too many ingredients. Now my meals are much simpler - and that's not just great for my digestive system, but for me too, because I can enjoy the single ingredients more. Also, it takes less time to cook.

In conclusion: what I feared would've been an oppressive regime with limited choices was instead a way for me to discover foods I would've never eaten otherwise. Brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, rice cakes, oatmeal, hummus and Greek yogurt: those are all part of my life now and oh boy, how delicious they are.

In addition to the new diet, I also added a more serious exercise regimen. I am too lazy to go to a gym and I hate having people around, so I brought a yoga mat, put the gym clothes in the same spot and set on a daily alarm. Also, searched for different apps to guide me throughout the exercises and make a training session in my place.

I started with 20-min yoga sessions almost every day. Then added more beginner's training. Then tried tabata, moved to HIIT, then pilates. I just kept raising the bar and made my sessions last longer, until it became a routine. And now my routine includes:

20 min HIIT training (I switch focus between cardio, abs and core, lower and upper body)

20 min pilates

20 min yoga

I follow it 3 to 5 times a week, but I also walk more, use the bicycle and take the stairs. This alone would be pointless, if I am not as active as possible the rest of the day.

The result? I am 153 cm (5ft) tall and before I started this new regime, I weighed 64 kg (141 lb). Now I weigh 46kg (101 lb). I lost 18 kg in total and it has been a constant, slow change. At first 2 kilos every month, then one, sometimes not even one.

And during all this time, I never had huge expectations. I didn't even step on the scale for a long time. I just kept following the diet and doing sport and enjoying it. My only goal was to not get the winter cough.

I didn't even notice real changes, until after a while. They came all together and one day, all my pants were too loose and clothes that were too tight before now fit me perfectly.

And now I still keep that chill attitude: I plan my meals at the beginning of every month, so I can be sure of what to eat every day (also, it makes me happy to know what tasty meal will wait for me). I keep doing my exercises, because they help me relax (especially in these last stressful days).

And yes, once in a while, I get a treat not included in my diet. I mean, a diet is supposed to be what you habitually eat, not a temporary thing: it's only fair there may be things you're not supposed to eat too - like sweet treats, seafood, some dairy stuff or a pizza. What matters is that I can control myself, so I know that I get this treat now, but the rest of the time I will stick to my diet.

And, honestly, most of the time I don't even crave these things. I can eat just some and be okay. I am far from starving, after all, especially if I get some nice food, like today's meal: basmati rice with peas, Brussels sprouts, zucchini and pepperoni for a total of 500 grams aka 2 full plates. As I said, starving is out of question :P

So the moral of the story is:

If you're trying to lose weight and you're doing everything right but still don't lose it, seek medical help. I had no idea what I was doing wrong, until I checked with an expert.

If you get a diet, stick with it religiously, especially at the beginning. Ran from all temptations, because they can be very strong - especially at the beginning. Then you can come back and face them, when you will be in control.

Do some sport, especially yoga. It doesn't just help you lose weight, but clears your mind and makes you feel better. And don't push yourself too much: you're supposed to do it more times a week, so just start slowly and build resistance. It's better to do a little every day, than give your full self one day and recover the next 2 weeks because you're too sore. Once you will get enough strength, you will be the first to realize you want to do more.

Have fun and chill. Results won't come the day after, just do your things, eat good food and do some good exercise. And enjoy life in general: it would be all pointless, otherwise.