#another fun thing the autism does is like i will go to the store buy foods i THINK i will eat then at random my brain decides i Cannot

[gideonisms]

incredibly autism take on food. love it. i am also a sensory seeking food autistic. today for dinner i requested something “garlicky and flavorful” ended up with noodles and dumplings

soups can so be flavorful but a lot of the time they’re just not like that out in the world and it’s soooo disappointing. shockingly easy to make though (onions n garlic, veg, crap ton of spices bloomed in the oil, good broth, blend, SALT)

See I would never trash talk a dumpling but once again I think they are vehicles for other flavors. In MY opinion although soups are easy to make most of them just taste like Onions and Chicken Broth to me and I'm like where is the spice where is the intrigue where is the zest for life

[tenthgrove]

Hey! I saw full requests were open? If it hasn’t been done already, La Squadra with a teammate or s/o who gets very nervous and fidgety when having to go in public? Going to stores and places other than where they live is hard for them?

I love your writing, and I hope you’re doing well! :)

Well That's A Mood

La Squadra x Reader, Platonic/Romantic, SFW

Formaggio- This is a man who lives his life on the move. He's it's rare to find him at home before 8pm and following him around would have you think he's acquainted with half the population of Naples. I guess you could say opposites attract. This in mind, Formaggio likes to make the most of his contrasting personality to help you tolerate the experience of being in public. This works both by distracting you from your surroundings with his pure emotional volume and also distracting others, to reduce your feeling of being watched.

Illuso- Illuso is an ambivert. Not quite an introvert but not quite an extrovert either. He prefers sticking away from busy places but can cope with them if needs be. He might not notice your nerves at first as he tends to be focused on the strangers around him for signs of dangers, but once you tell him, it can be easily remedied. The assurance that if it gets too much, you can just go to the mirror world, may in itself be enough to help you get through this outing.

Prosciutto- The bad news about shopping with Prosciutto is that he takes the middle class mum's attitude to buying things. I.e. he stands around in one aisle repeatedly holding up two objects for half an hour before deciding to "see what's in the other aisle first then come back and see if we like this one more." In short, there is no 'quick pop to the shops.' Despite all this, he does change his ways when you tell him about your nervousness. He even learns to internet shop for you! In case you needed any more proof he loves you.

Pesci- He can relate to you. Being trained by Prosciutto has given him a healthy dose of paranoia about the general public, and he's currently in that awkward spot where he knows just how much danger could be lurking round the corner but doesn't yet have the confidence to deal with it. To compromise, he likes to do something fun while you're out, so you've got more to do than just focus on your anxieties. Perhaps a trip to the cinema could calm both your nerves.

Melone- A homebody at heart, Melone rarely can't be convinced to stay at home. However, he does like to go out and about occasionally, particularly during party seasons to soak up the atmosphere. Still, he is very considerate of your nerves and won't force you to come. You can always make up the time together later. In the event you do find yourself getting fidgety while out together, he will simply put his phone in one of your hands, take hold of the other, and encourage you to distract yourself on his games while he leads the way. The wonders of technology.

Ghiaccio- Another introvert, Ghiaccio spends most of his outside time before dawn and after dark, to save himself the displeasure of interacting with the human species. He definitely won't be pressuring you to go on a sudden shopping trip at peak hours. His strategy for when your nervousness strikes is simply to promise that anyone who causes you trouble will sustain multiple skull fractures courtesy of his fist. It's a promise he absolutely intends to hold himself to.

Risotto- At the expense of sounding repetitive, here is another assassin who absolutely has no objections to avoiding stressful outings wherever possible. A combination of autism and looking like some horror movie cosplay you've never heard of tends to leave him poor received by the general public, so he leaves errand running to the rest of the team. When you do go out together he helps you stay calm by keeping you occupied with light conversation (yes, he is capable of such a thing) and hurrying the outing to a close.

Sorbet and Gelato- The bad news is that Sorbet and Gelato do go out quite a bit. Neither of them are really into the internet so they have to go into town to get their things, as well as gathering all the intel for their endless work. They do stress you're under no obligation to come with them as they've already got each other as backup, but if you did come they'd really appreciate it. They'll make sure it's worth your while.

[andromedasummer]

despite it all f1 gave me some incredible friendships with so, so many people. it helped me meet people who have inspired me in so many different parts of my life, have made me comfortable in spaces where i thought it was impossible. ive met people so similar to me its like i was looking in a mirror and people so different to me that their own stories and conversations have opened me up into different subcultures and ways of life. Ive become connected to people all over the world from scotland to norway to india to saudi arabia and i love them all so dearly.

ive been able to explore sides of myself i felt frightened to look at and gained confidence i thought was previously unattainable. ive made connections i know will be lifelong. with people who see things in stores and go "hey, that reminds me of liv" and will buy and ship it over even when i live oceans away. who will come to my defense or to comfort me when im stressed.

and theres so many of them. im so used to one on one connections that this big group of people to flit around and chat with really does keep everything alive and ever flowing.

i grew up with internalized misogyny from my mothers experiences that were reinforced by bullying at a young age, because most every girl could tell there was something different about me (autism/transness) and decided it needed to be punished. and while i unlearned my negative feelings over my teen years i never found myself in large friendship groups with girls. in part because of this past bullying and my dysphoria and worry of being percieved as a girl instead of nonbinary i would shy away from large groups where i could make female friendships.

but the girls on the server are nice and kind and intelligent and fun. they respect me and look out for me in ways i never thought would be extended to me. they help me explore myself in their own presentation. they respect and love my identity and the identity of other trans people in the server. they make me feel safe and i know no matter what i will always have someone in there i can talk to.

its hard as a young adult to keep friendships alive. near impossible to maintain a friend group. ive seen other people my age in the same fandom claim the lifetime of discord friends is a mere 3 months, (which considering i have this discord friend group coming close to a year and a half and another soon to have its 4 year anniversary, is really not true) and as someone who isolated themselves completely for an entire year, i do get it. its hard not to fall back into those bad habits. but its cos of this server that i havent.

like the people in this server have been so good to me and good for me. my mental health is better, im working more on my physical health, im learning more and i feel motivated to actually do things!

and the best part is i know im gonna meet these people some day. people in the server are already meeting, are already irl friends! whether its small groups of us in our regions, like aus/nz, great britian, the america's. we're gonna meet each other! And we're gonna be friends no matter what we put our interests into after f1! we're bonded beyond a mutual interest and thats what makes our friendship so strong.

and i dont even care that this is huge and its gonna fill up peoples dash boards because its about my friends and i love talking about my friends!!! theyre all funny and kind and unique and clever and outspoken and i love them!

laura, zoe, ana, annika, allie, ana, miels, nat, kerry, tam, sophs, libs, anna, elisha, jane, nina, wid!!! theyre all my friends and i love them! i love them so so so much and im so happy i get to keep being friends with them!

[theguruhypnotist]

Here's Why No One Should Consume Dairy.

First of all, you may want to stop believing everything you read and hear and spend time doing your homework and honing your belief system.  Being a Hypnotherapist and Coach, trained in NLP, Energy work and various other methodologies and certifications, I'm uber interested in the whole body approach to healing, which includes what we put in our bodies.I’m very anti-pharma for many reasons. 

Studies have proven that approximately 2/3 of the medicines you may be taking are placebo…meaning there is nothing in them except side effects and are harmful to your body. You’ve been taking them because your doctor told you to…remember pharmaceuticals are big business, why am I telling you this…because so is dairy.

There’s piles of money to be made in the dairy industry but in order to make that money, “they” have to make you believe that dairy is good for you and has massive health benefits for you. The loads of money that is made in the dairy industry is coated in loads of cow poop.

All mammals drink their mother’s milk during the first part of their lives, BUT then we are weaned off of it within the first few years and we move to other more appropriate food sources, as each mammal does depending on its specie and breed. This is the natural cycle of things. All mammals know when to stop drinking milk, EXCEPT humans…even a baby cows stop drinking from their mother as they grow up and start eating grass. I suppose if milk was required, we would see adult cows everywhere, continuing to drink from their mothers.

Since we’re speaking about cows and their milk, let’s understand another important point. The chemical composition of the milk from cows, is extremely different then that of humans, which means that our body is not designed to break it down.  There is an enzyme that breaks down the sugar in milk, aka lactose, called lactase, and our body stops producing this enzyme between the ages of 2-3. Why? Because we are not supposed to be drinking milk from our mothers after that.

Do you have poor digestion? When did you stop consuming milk products??

One of the arguments of drinking milk is that it contains protein. 87% of cow’s milk is made up of a protein called casein and the second biggest portion is whey. There is casein in mothers’ milk as well BUT there is 300% more in cow’s milk which gives them their huge bones. Casein is also used in wood glue because of its strong binding properties…see where I am going with this.   How can something used to make, not only glue, but paint as well as plastic and fibres be just as good for us to ingest? Really??

Here’s some information from various studies I’ve been reading about cow milk products;

1.   Casamorphin (found in Casein) can cause or aggravate autism

2.   Can double the risk of prostate cancer and up to quadruple the risk of metastatic or fatal prostate cancer.

3.   Proteins promote cancer growth, but of all the protein, casein, most strongly and most consistently promotes cancer and all stages of it.

4.   Encourages weight gain due to its highly acidic nature. Milk products will NOT help you in losing weight in those troublesome areas, ultimately keeping you from your health goals.

5.   Encourages our body to create too much mucus. Nothing is more powerful in promoting and forming mucus in the body.

a.   Mucus is good for our bodies as it coats what needs to be coated and protects the surfaces of the membranes BUT when we have too much here is what happens. It surrounds and engulfs all the toxins from certain foods in our body and leaving that toxicity trapped in our body.

b.   Excessive mucus begins to build up on the intestinal walls and harden adding to whatever else might be in there making it harder and harder to release the sludge and waste from the body.

As soon as you put but milk products in our body, our body begins to try and get rid of it desperately. How does that manifest? In the formation of phlegm, mucus and even pimples. So, here is my question, if my body is trying so hard to get rid of it, then why should I ingest it in the first place. Duh!!

Not convinced yet…ok, here is some more fun facts. The dairy that we can buy in the stores in packed with hormones and drugs because they are given to the cows to promote long life and more milk.

You know I have to talk about pasteurization as well. This process heats the milk to extreme temperatures so that it can kill bacteria and that sounds like a good plan. The problem is it also kills natural enzymes therefore making the milk even harder to digest.

You need calcium…that is a fact, so that we can build strong bones and prevent various illnesses like osteoporosis. Studies have shown that where dairy is involved in the diet, so are the incidences of hip fractures and bone issues like osteoporosis.  Women drinking milk suffer up to 7 times more broken hips…that is insanity. 

The protein that is consumed…and remember how high the casein is in cow milk…the more calcium is lost. So basically, drinking milk is an OXYMORON.If you consume around 75grams of protein, then you are losing more calcium in your urine than is absorbed in your body. That means the calcium you are drinking to make you stronger is your worse enemy and you are losing calcium and opening yourself to illnesses such as cancer.WAIT…I’m not done…there’s more.

Dairy products contain high levels of phosphorous, which binds to calcium making it impossible to absorb.

So, I’m going back to what I said in the beginning…stop believing everything you are told and do your homework. Don’t even believe me…do you homework.

The question becomes, where can you get some awesome calcium that your body needs and can absorb.  Here we go; Bok Choy, Broccoli, Cactus, Cauliflower, Collard Greens, Cucumber, Kale, Romaine Lettuce, Sea Vegetables, Sesame Seeds, Spinach and Turnip Greens.

If you’re an avid dairy fan and nothing I’ve said here has changed your mind then, at the very least, change to goat’s milk products or sheep’s milk. Goat’s milk is the closest to human milk that there is. My additional suggestion would be a Nut Milk, Hemp or Rice Milk.

Look forward to your comments and feedback.

[pimientos-especiales]

So I was on this website trying to print out a bread recipe, and this article caught my attention

SAY NO TO NUTELLA, IT IS POISONING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN

I’m like, oh boy, this oughtta be good. IT DOES NOT DISAPPOINT. 

In order to protect our kids from the harmful GMO foods, we all must stand and say one large and loud NO. These foods are even advertised as healthy ones.

Yeah the literal decades that GMOs have been around with absolutely no evidence of harmful side effects are like... whatever. And yeah bitch, corn IS healthy, GMO or not (fun fact, all corn is technically genetically modified. We’ve modified it so much over the millennia that the kind we eat can’t grow on its own anymore. Also it used to look more like a pretzel stick before all our genetic modifications. 

Image source: http://thescientistgardener.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-teosinte-lost-its-shell.html

People are convinced by the intensive advertising that Nutella is healthy for our kids, but the bitter truth is that it cannot be even listed in the group of healthy foods. 

All right. I mean it’s a nut spread, so yeah, it’s not on my list of most healthy foods. 

In fact, all the ingredients contained in Nutella aren’t harmful or GMOs, but the product will be harmful with only one bad ingredient. 

[citation needed]

You should know that there are four harmful substances included in Nutella.

The Dangers of Nutella:

Oh boy here we go! 

Soy

The Asian people will disagree with this statement because the soy is part of their diet for centuries. Actually, they consume small amounts of naturally grown soybeans, opposite of the western civilizations today that eat artificial soy in pretty big quantities. 

Fun fact: Literally nothing in this article has any sort of source backing up any of these claims. 

Now I know, from using my eyes, that in the U.S. we do in fact have actual soybeans on the market. I’ve eaten them many times. What is artificial soy? They don’t say. 

Nutella contains soy lecithin which is dangerous for the human’s health. 

Was this written by a robot? “The human’s health” who talks like that? 

Soy lecithin is apparently produced from soybean oil, so... not artificial. It’s literally produced by actual soybeans. It takes some science to get it out, but it’s a byproduct of soybeans, and not like... fake soybeans. Also the first result in my search bar says soy lecithin is widely used even in health food stores. It’s a pretty neat article, it lays out the pros and cons of soy lecithin, pointing out there’s more benefits than risks. Also it’s full of sources to external websites! https://draxe.com/what-is-soy-lecithin/

It is connected with thyroid depression, uncontrolled weight gain, late menstruation, fatigue, premature entry into puberty and breast cancer.

Late menstruation AND early puberty, at the same time? Also as a woman, I wouldn’t complain about starting my period later than it did. Actually, don’t we have a problem in this country with girls starting puberty a little too early? Like, when they’re younger than 10? From the hormones they were putting in cow milk? This website, written by an author about a book someone else wrote, talks about the declining age for the start of menstruation and puberty: http://www.cwhn.ca/en/node/39365

(see, it’s not that hard to get sources, even when you’re cherry-picking to back up your own opinion)

Also that article I linked to earlier (the draxe) one says soy lecithin may PREVENT cancer, lower cholesterol, relieves menopause symptoms, and help deal with stress. So basically the article that has sources is saying the opposite of the one without sources. HM. 

I’ll give them the thyroid thing, the thyroid is dumb and sensitive as shit, it probably does wig out over soy lecithin. 

Sugar

Nutella contains derived from GMO sugar beef 

what

which is inexpensive and filled with pesticides and altered sugar that our body cannot recognize. 

Okay there’s no such thing as “sugar beef”. What are you talking about?? Okay according to Nutella, they have BEET SUGAR, which is different from sugar beef (which sounds like a weird nickname you’d give your hung husband). Pretty much every food has pesticides on it. That’s why GMOs are so popular, they breed stuff into them so they’ll naturally repel bugs and won’t be covered in pesticides! Oh, oops. And golly, the Nutella website says their beet sugar/sugar cane is non-GMO. Talk about a coincidence!

And aren’t beets a root vegetable? How much pesticides would be on the sugar extracted from a root vegetable? 

I’ll say it again, it is very cheap. These sugars are considered as neurotoxins since they can penetrate the blood brain barrier which results with elimination of the brain cells. They are also related with ailments such as ADHD, ADD, autism, migraine, anxiety, depression, etc.

Yeah, companies like it when things are cheap to harvest and produce, because people don’t like buying expensive food. GOLLY. 

Also considering scientists still have no idea what causes autism, [x] doubt. All right, I’ll give that it does make sense to link neurotoxins with neurological impairments. The blood-brain barrier works to prevent toxins from reaching the brain. It’s just, you know, if there’s a lot of that stuff in your blood, it’ll get to your brain. 

I’m not convinced, however, that sugar from beet roots are neurotoxins. 

Also, manganese is a neurotoxin but also there’s a Daily Recommended Value for adults and children to consume it. So, neurotoxins on their own aren’t bad for you. If you had way over the daily recommended value like every day, that would be bad. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manganese#Biological_role That article has like 200 sources on it! 

ALSO if you want to talk about Nutella being bad, just point out that it has a lot of sugar in it. If it was healthy, it wouldn’t have sugar. Or at least, not as much sugar. The end. 

Skim Milk

You can see a green meadows and happy cows on every milk package, which is an advertising trick of course. 

Where the hell are you shopping that it’s just a label that says “SKIM”?

The milk inside is not a skim milk, but pus filled milk of sick cows that were exposed on GMO including corn, antibiotics and many other things that are meant to decrease the costs. 

“Decrease the costs” of WHAT? You not only have no sources, but you don’t elaborate on what you’re talking about! 

Milk is NOT pus-filled. Food sellers don’t want their food to be gross. That’s just logic. 

I brought up the cows on hormones thing, I think places are getting better about not pumping their cows full of stuff, but okay, I’ll give you that one, crazy lady. 

“many other things” [citation needed][what things?]

At the end the resulting product is odorless milk that contains powdered milk. Powdered milk contains the most dangerous type of bad cholesterol.

Okay so according to Nutella, they used skimmed milk powder. Which makes sense, since it’s not a dairy product, that there wouldn’t be FRESH MILK but rather, powder. 

The lady who wrote this is one of those judgmental bitches who complains about women formula-feeding their babies, I’m sure. So, powdered milk is just milk that’s evaporated, pretty much. Because dry stuff has a longer shelf life than wet. Apparently the powdering process makes the cholesterol really concentrated, but there’s a lot of debate about whether it’s bad or not. 

Here’s an article about soy milk. It’s not a super professional source, but it’s well-written, at least. https://www.organicfacts.net/skim-milk.html

Vanillin

The label of every vanillin says that it doesn’t include artificial colors, but the vanillin itself is an artificial flavor. 

This part is honestly what prompted this post. Just read it again. You want to me to take your scare-mongering seriously and you say that? 

Also here’s the Nutella page on vanillin

So, uh, they flatout say that their vanillin is synthetic. The nutritional label says the vanillin they use is an artificial flavor. What it also says is “contaisn no artificial colors”. So this dumbass is accusing Nutella of lying because they can’t read a label or think artificial colors and flavors are the same thing.

Nutella also goes on to explain, in a way that matches what I’d already read, that although vanillin is naturally produced by vanilla pods, they can’t get enough vanillin just that way, so they synthesize some of it. Vanilla is so hard to harvest, because you get like no flavor even out of a ton of beans, so that’s why natural vanilla is so much more expensive than vanilla extract.

It is able to trick our brain and make you feel the true vanilla flavor. 

Natural vanillin smells like vanilla, so... okay.

The brain is easily tricked.

The truest thing this article has said.

 Vanillin is a neurotoxin which is capable to kill the brain cells. 

Oh here we go again.

In addition, vanillin makes us addictive 

you mean addicted? You got paid to write this article! 

while connecting the receptors in the brain and releasing serotonin, the hormone of happiness.

Oh no, this food makes you feel happy when you eat it! Throw it away! If only mankind were capable of self-control and could just stop eating something sometimes if they realize they’ve had too much of it today! Everyone should be sad all the time always!

Also, anyone notice that these terrible side effects are all opposite to each other? One of them causes depression but another causes happiness. Do they not balance each other out? Or is it some sinister thing like first the sugar makes you depressed, then the vanilla makes you happy, so you think you need to keep buying the Nutella to keep yourself happy because the Nutella is making you depressed? And then you’re broke and homeless because you spent all your money on Nutella.

Also, apparently there’s like 0.08 g of vanillin per 400g container of Nutella. So that’s 0.0002%. For 400 g. A serving size is about 37 g, so that’s 0.0074g of vanillin per serving. So, negligible. THE HORROR. 

 It is produced in China petroleum-based factories which makes this country one of the largest producers of vanillin in the world.

I mean it’s nit-picking, but what a poorly-constructed sentence. 

China is one of the largest producers of pretty much everything. It’s a large country and companies know they can get really cheap labor from there. 

I hope these facts

“that I couldn’t be bothered to provide ONE source for” 

are enough for you to decide to throw away these neurotoxins, GMO sugar, cheap and artificial vanilla and say one big, decisive NO to Nutella.

Don’t Forget To Share With Your Friends And Family On Facebook, As You Might Help Someone In Need!

Yeah if I know anyone in need I’ll forward them this article. Sure they’re penniless and homeless because of all the Nutella they bought, but at least they’ll have a printout of this article to use for firewood!

Also I can’t believe they didn’t mention palm oil! Now, Nutella says their palm oil is ethically harvested and sustainable and isn’t contributing to deforestation, but if you’re going to write an article full of unsourced half-truths anyway, why not bring that up? 

Here’s the Nutella website that I referenced a few times: https://www.nutella.com/en/us/inside-the-jar1 Sources also came from Wikipedia, because it was sometimes the only source I could find that had professional sources on it and weren’t like “hippiebullshit.org” websites. 

I just really liked that even the organic/healthy eating websites were contradicting this person. Also, shockingly, the article was closed for comments! 

Now I’m no expert, but Nutella has sugar and cocoa in it, so just from that I would assume it’s not actually the health food Nutella pretends it is. But I think it’s going to be among the least of your worries when it comes to food that may kill you. 

[factsdontmatteranymore-blog]

Shook Ones interview

Tried doing a new zine back in December but the only band that got back to me with an interview was Shook Ones about a month and a half later. I really like how it came out so I figured I’d put it online. All their sales from Bandcamp this weekend are being donated to the ACLU and they also have a test pressing of their Easel split up on Ebay also going towards that. Check all that out.

Hi Kelly how’s it going today? What’s the current line-up of Shook Ones and how’s Seattle treating y’all? Seattle is still a very nice place to be, no matter how many project managers Amazon brings here.  The band lineup solidified a little over a year ago, now its Scott, Kelly, Bo, Aaron, and Phil.

You guys played a little bit this year along the west coast, how’d those shows go? What do you like about touring in 2016? What’s your favorite tour memory from previous years? All the shows that we've gotten to play recently have been so enjoyable! Traveling a bit on the west coast was very cool, the shows were great and we got to play with bands that are rad and have a bunch of long-time friends in them.  Since we're just dipping our toes back into the water of being a bit more active, it was nice to get out and play and do stuff as a band.  As far as "touring in 2016" goes, we're not really in the position where our band is the only thing we've got going on in our lives, so we're not talking about being on the road full-time or anything close to it.  We're able to do short trips so we're flying to save time, staying with friends or family that are central to a few shows... basically its a brief vacation where we play music.  It's great, and we're fortunate to be able to do it like this, or really to still be playing at all!

So you guys have made it very clear you’re writing for a new LP, probably the most annoying questions for any band but what can people expect from it? What influences are you drawing for it? Do you know who’s putting it out yet? Really happy you're asking about it, but I'm really gonna struggle if I try to give any explicit description of what's been going into the writing process.  All five of us have brought songs or riffs or revisions to the table, and we've already got a wide pool of material.  We had a practice where all we did was narrow down what to focus on for the record, and we've still got more than will fit on an LP!  Don't expect a double LP with bizarre instrumentation and pretentious experimental jams, though. Like our other LP's, you'll hear us trying out some new stuff here and there, but it'll still sound like Shooks. I do have a delay pedal I've been meaning to put to good use, though.

Between the three LPs which do you prefer? They’re obviously a lot different from each other, is there anything specific you like to take away from each of them? It's a tricky question to answer, but I think if someone were to tally up which LP has the most songs that we perform right now, it would be The Unquotable AMH.  And that's kinda how it should be if we think we're writing music that we still want to put out there.  The song we write today is gonna reflect what we're thinking and feeling and listening to today.  That's not to say that a lot of Shooks material isn't still important to us since its older or because it doesn't end up in the set, but I don't think we want to do the same record over and over.  We're also not so different as songwriters from record to record that you're gonna love one and hate another.  Actually people probably do feel that way, and it's very cool if people who care about music have strong opinions! AMH also has the benefit in that it's probably the most accurate representation of our sound, sonically. Our buddy Jackson did that record with us and has done everything since, and will be doing our new LP when we get to it. He's an old, old friend and he just gets us, y'know? Plus he's pretty fucking talented.

What’s next for Shook Ones besides new music? Getting the new music written/recorded/release are really the only items on the agenda for the immediate future.  We will play some more shows eventually, but it isn't anything we're focusing on at the moment. Was it wild putting out records with Rev? I’m sure working with them in the 2000s was odd. What are your favorite releases they put out? It was great. Bob Shedd was doing A&R at the time, he's great, and he's responsible for recruiting all of those bands that happened at the same time (Sinking Ships, End of a Year, Gracer), bands who we are all still buds with till this day. And of course, it was a trip to have a record come out this legendary label that we all grew up. When our first 7" came out on Rev, it was pretty unbelievable to think that we got to be REV134. Seeing our name on that label's discography is still a pretty incredible thing, even as we get old and jaded. There are lots of incredible records that are universally celebrated that Revelation put out.  It feels silly to list them here, like "ever heard of Youth of Today/Warzone/Gorilla Biscuits/Chain of Strength/Judge?", so feel free to just assume we all love that.  CIV is one of my favorite bands.  Here's a couple that might be consider overlooked: Battery - Whatever It Takes By A Thread - Last of the Daydreams Elliott - False Cathedrals Garrison - The Bend Before the Break, A Mile in Cold Water. Oh, and I think the World Be Free record that came out recently is awesome, too. Shook Ones has played Vegas like a couple times right? Anything fun memories from that? We actually have not ever played Vegas! We were supposed to a couple times and they both got cancelled right beforehand. I know we all have friends in Vegas and are big fans of its neighbors (Reno, ABQ, LA, etc) so I'm sure we'd have loved it, it just wasn't meant to be. I actually still have never been to Vegas in my life, which is nutty. I've been to Orlando like a dozen times, but never Vegas. That doesn't seem right. That Run For Cover 7” is seriously so underrated, those songs are so good in my opinion and I feel like it doesn’t really get talked about that much. What can you tell me about those songs? Like what they’re about and where you guys were when writing and recording them Those songs came at a strange transitional time. We had members spread out in grad school and had just started playing with our famously talented new (and current) drummer, Aaron O'Neill. While all of our songs are pretty collaborative, due to the distance and timing, those ones actually ended up being largely the brainchild of our singer, Scotty. Those were also the first recordings we did in our friend Jackson's studio that he built (along with plenty of carpentry from Scott), so I think that environment and his input really helped to shape those, as well. It was kind of a stressful and tricky situation to navigate, but being able to just hunker down with him and knock them out made things SO MUCH easier and, at the end of the day, better. What do you all do outside of the band? Scott makes rain jackets, sells clothing and builds things. Kelly teaches ungrateful adolescents. Bo spins spreadsheets all day with his cousin/our friend Derek (who did backup vocals on AMH) Aaron does cabinetry and has many drumming projects. Phil upsets small children with Autism and records bands. What music are you into currently? Oh man, the Division EP is the best thing to ever be heard by the human ear, and if you still buy records, it is available from Alternatives Label.  The Solar demo that came out through Alternatives is also the single best thing you'll ever get to check out. While you're there you might as well get the Hiding Place EP which is pretty good, and then get on Bandcamp to track down the Lowest Priority demo before those are all gone. And Golden West Service put an EP called See up on Spotify that is the best thing that exists on the internet. Drug Church has been consistently knocking it out of the park, and a couple of our friends put the Open City LP that dropped just today and is pretty incredible. I’m visiting Seattle for the first time in January, besides freezing to death what stuff should I be doing up there? Where the crap is the Brotherhood picture? Well, we're responding to this just a bit too late to help you for your trip, but we've got cool hikes nearby and places to eat and record stores.  Kerry Park is where the Brotherhood photo comes from, and it's one of the only views of Seattle where the Space Needle looks bigger than the rest of the skyline.  Formerly the Jimi Hendrix Experience Music Project, the MoPop (Museum of Pop) is really cool every time I go. Seattle is less of a tourist, "make sure you hit this" spot and more of a just explore and experience type spot, so I'm sure nothing we would have said would have changed much. Sorry it was cold as shit, though! Thanks for your time Kelly! is there anything else you wanna add? No John, thank you! Sorry this took so long. One day we'll be on time.

[mychemicalrant]

What To Do

I’ve been writing a lot. It’s been helping.

For the last month pretty much the only thing I’ve done is write giant ass posts for this blog that no one reads. I’m glad no one reads it because it gives me the chance to explore these ideas out loud without getting pummeled by discourse and infighting.

Right now, I’m not quite sure what to do. I haven’t contributed much to any of my major projects. I’ve spent the last week embroiled with one of the worst emetophobia/health anxiety flare ups I’ve had since high school, complete with numbness, disassociation, and feeling disintegrated with my environment. It’s like I can’t settle back into my routines. Like everything has been disrupted.

But even though I’m starting to come down from that and come back into my body a little, I’m still stuck with one major question: what do I do now?

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty good planner (for myself anyway) and internally well organized. But there are times when I have no idea what to do first and so I end up doing nothing. There are things I have been neglecting to do for years because my brain completely freezes up about how to go about the process. It’s like I feel like I don’t have enough information to make even the first step. I’m not sure I would call this “executive dysfunction” on my own. I would need a professional to talk this out with, because in other ways I’ve always been pretty together, or so I thought. But all the same, it’s like I’m paralyzed by the choices?

I once heard a catatonic schizophrenic person describe what was happening as they stood frozen with their hand palm up to the sky: there was a battle of Good and Evil playing out on their hand, and they feared that any slight movement would give Evil the advantage. That has become a metaphor for every time in my life when I feel completely paralyzed by small decisions. I can order a drink or food item at a new restaurant, but it takes me awhile to make a decision because there are so many factors to consider. I don’t just consider the food and what I want (and if I want more than one thing, uh oh). I consider systems within systems within systems. Sometimes I consider whether such a choice would be gastronomically redundant (while then allowing myself to subsist on samefoods for most of my diet), or too many calories/sodium/whatever, or whether the taste balance would blah blah or what my general opportunity level for getting that food would be.

Like, if it’s a sushi place and I want to get unagi don, I feel bogged down by the fact that I also love sushi rolls and don’t get to eat them very often. So now my choice is, do I get the unagi don because that is what I want? Or do I get a sushi roll because these opportunities are rare and what if I never get to eat this again? What if what if what if? It really does feel like if I move, I’ll give “evil” the advantage, even with small decisions. Every decision is like this big web of potential and each “wrong” decision could have this big ripple effect.

Is this autism related or just plain ol’ OCD/anxiety? I don’t know, but the obsession is driving me crazy.

Admittedly, I am a little scared about taking the first step regarding diagnosis. I have resisted going to therapists for a long time out of fear that they would tell me I’m just a worthless adult for not being able to drive or hold a job, that the only “cure” is just to do these things and suck it up because that’s what adults have to do. If they are just going to tell me that I’m a piece of shit, why bother going at all? I already know that and I don’t have to pay 40 dollars a week (sliding income scale) to hear that.

But if the actual situation is that I am facing untreated cognitive impairment that affects my ability to cope, AND that my adult coping mechanisms are no longer working and I have “exceeded my limited capacities” in life, I would at that point qualify for an assessment and possibly a diagnosis. A diagnosis is sought when impairment becomes noticeable, and for over a decade I’ve been hiding my impairment out of shame. I’ve hidden behind “I’m just getting on my feet” and “I’m still figuring things out” and “I’m not sure what I really want to do yet.” All the while spending 14+ hours in bed and having no spoons to do much else.

But you know where I’m at right now. I’m caught between the “not diagnosed but strongly suspecting I’m on the spectrum and exploring this as a valid possibility” and “you don’t REALLY have autism if you’re functioning enough to go through life being undiagnosed/your autism isn’t severe enough to matter/you’re taking away space and voices from people with REAL autism with your fake self-diagnosis” echo chamber.

Like, I get why people are suspicious of self-diagnoses, but at the same time, real people with autism exist without diagnoses and this doesn’t mean they don’t have it. It doesn’t even mean they are coping or not impaired! It just means they’ve fallen through the cracks and have turned to other mechanisms like secondary mental illness, substance abuse, or addictions they can’t explain because they are not getting treatment and support. That’s where I found myself before I started looking into this possibility.

I’ve been reading through a bit of the discourse lately on why people with “real autism” and parents of “real autistic kids�� feel that self-diagnosed adults are a bunch of bullshit fakers bringing harm to the community, which is tough to read even if not unexpected. Gate-keeping was one of the first unpleasant realities I discovered in MBTI communities, and it was tempting for one to get a Certified Assessment to “prove” that one was whatever type they were claiming to be, even though the Official Certified Assessment still relied on self reporting and was still subject to being, you know, entirely subjective and not at all scientific? So finding it in the autism community is not at all surprising.

I’m sick of gate-keeping. It’s why I more or less moved away from MBTI and to the Enneagram which I see less defensiveness in. No one in the Enneagram community is supposed to be fighting over an ego label and who “deserves” to get to define their personality as a 4 or an 8. That’s absurd.

Anyway. I’ve been caught between this whirlpool of “do I think I have enough of a case to pursue diagnosis?” and “do I have the time/resources/money/energy to pursue a diagnosis?” and “am I severe enough for it to even matter?”

I want to do this. It’s not a question. I have a credit card so I can put myself thousands of dollars in debt to get this assessment. Should I do that? Probably fucking not, but if this will help me figure out what the hell is going on with my job issues, it might be worth it?

But is it? Should I just suck it up, you guys? Should I just deal with this shit on my own? I feel like I am disintegrating more and more. I drink now more than I used to to “cope” with difficult feelings I can’t process. Going to grocery stores is hard for me because the lighting and temperature and people bother me. My OCD is crushing me. I can barely touch anything now for fear of contamination. I have cut off relationships cold turkey (and warm turkey) just to avoid telling people how bad things are for me. I certainly haven’t had any luck in finding another job. 

Not to be recursive here, but my Special Interest of autism has been keeping me afloat. Many of my Special Interests have always cycled around psychology (abnormal psych, personality theories) such that I have strongly considered buying a copy of the DSM-IV (now 5) to read for fun. Obsessing and archive diving this topic has been the one thing helping me navigate some of the stuff I’ve been dealing with in life. But the obsessive drive always comes with a Call to Action: should I seek a diagnosis?

How? How do I do this??

[survivingthelion-blog]

A Sister’s Glance into Asperger’s - Alicia Hughes

Will: Age 4 Will floats down the tiled walkway of Best Buy. He makes whooshing noises as he weaves in-between shoppers with huge shopping carts. His homemade cape sails behind him as he gleefully pretends to be a superhero. He’s enjoying himself, even though a few minutes ago he was whining that his legs hurt. The image makes me recall the disaster we had last week when he had to go without it. We’d gone out with my Aunt Jen to Target to look at things Will would want for his birthday. Will was in a phase where everywhere we went he liked to pretend he was a super hero. My mom, seeing nothing wrong with a little imagination, had made him a cape out of my Dad’s old pillowcase with the letters “SW” (standing for Super Will) on the back in blue painters tape. He didn’t leave the house without it. So, of course, when we went to Walmart he insisted that he would wear his cape. My Aunt Jen was staunchly against this. I can vividly imagine how she frankly told my mother so when he first started wearing the cape around. “Do you let him wear that when you go out?” “Yeah of course. He loves it.” My Aunt Jen scoffs, “It’s a little silly don’t you think?” “He is four you know, he’s a little kid. He’s just having fun.” This seemed to quickly put an end of that conversation. But now, with our Mom not here, it was her grounds and her rules. And the last thing she was going to do was have Will walk down the aisles of Target wearing his cape. “You’re not wearing that into the store, Will. Leave it in the house.” She stood with her hands on her hips in front of the door. “No!” I can tell he’s starting to get upset, as his face turns red and mouth starts to turn downward into a pout. “Will, I’m not taking you into the store in that ridiculous cape. You look silly!” “No! No! No!” Will stomps his foot, as tears start to drip down his face, “It’s mine! No!” He’s starting to shake and I can tell a tantrum is coming. Will throws himself on the ground, kicking his legs and slamming his fists into the hardwood. He screams and sobs for fifteen minutes while my aunt stands there, trying to talk him out of the tantrum. “Will, you’re acting like a two-year-old. Do you want me to call your father? Do you think he’ll be happy with this? Four-year-olds don’t throw tantrums like this.” She reaches down to pick him up from the ground. Will is having none of that though, instead he turns and bites her arm. “Will!” She’s furious, I can see it in her eyes, “Jesus you don’t bite! That’s it I’m calling your father.” Later that night was the first time I heard a label put on Will. At seven, the term “anxiety disorder” didn’t have any impact on me. I had no clue what an anxiety disorder was, let alone that they’re the most common psychiatric disability in adults and children with approximately 40 million American adults suffering from one. When I was told that Will was going to go see a doctor I’d been confused. “Is Will sick?” “Not exactly, baby. Will’s just a little different than some of us and needs help from a different kind of doctor.” I had no clue this doctor was actually a psychiatrist.

Will: Age 7 At ten years old I’m not particularly thrilled to be going to some stuffy Christmas party where there would be more grownups than kids. But nevertheless I hurriedly climb out of our car and onto the pavement when we arrive at the party. The ground is dusted in snow, making the light from the streetlamps cast a glow across the entire neighborhood. As we walk up the sidewalk to the house my Dad goes over manners as he always does with Will. “…And what do we do if we don’t like the food they’re giving us? Will?” “Don’t complain?” He mumbles shuffling his feet through the slush. “You got it bud. Let’s work on remembering to try to look a person in the eye when they’re talking to you okay?” Will nods his head resolutely. “Alright.” We finally reach the front door and Will is excited to push the doorbell. My Dad gives him a look that says ‘you better only push it once’ and he listens, Will reaches up and pushes in the white plastic oval only once.  The door opens with Mrs. Jenneve on the other side. She ushers us all inside with an “It’s lovely to see you all!” following it up with “How have you been?” But before my parents have time to answer Will speaks up. “It smells in here.” He pinches his nose between his forefinger and his thumb. As it always does, my face heats up and my cheeks stain red. I nudge him in the side with my elbow “Will!” I whisper yell at him. He scrunches his face up at me in confusion mouthing, “What?” “It’s probably the food you’re smelling. I made a ham and a roast.” Mrs. Jenneve laughs through the incident, trying to play it off “I’ve been cooking all day it feels like! Jeff spent all morning…” I glance up at my parents as Mrs. Jenneve recounts the incident Mr. Jenneve had with the snow blower this morning. I can tell they’re both relieved she didn’t take Will’s comment the wrong way but I know that this will definitely be brought up later.

Will: Age 10 With July in full swing, I’m glad to finally be able to lie around all day in the air-conditioned house. For most kids, summer vacation is a much-needed getaway from the monotonous school lessons and homework. Not for Will. He’s been struggling with his reading, failing to reach his grade level in reading tests again and again. This is the second time I hear a label put on Will. When I’m told Will has Dyslexia, it’s something I understand. I’ve been told about it in passing at school, about how some kids can’t read because the letters and number get all jumbled up in their head. This time I can even acutely relate to Will, as I’m still struggling to choose the right way to write ‘b’ and ‘d’s and ‘w’ and ‘m’s at thirteen. After receiving no help from his teachers, my mom decides to take Will to a tutor.   Mrs. Parish is a solidly built woman with gleaming black hair and sharp eyes. I can tell even from the first meeting that she’s the perfect fit for Will. She takes his out bursts in stride and can talk him out of a negative state of mind. She can coax him into finishing just about any assignment most of the time, with her gentle voice and firm teaching. Will is particularly defeated today, staring gloomily at the words on the page that he just can’t put together to form a sentence. “It’s too hard. There’s too much left in this book, I can’t do it.” “Don’t think about it like that. Just take it page-by-page, chapter-by-chapter. If you only think about how much you have left you’ll just get discouraged. Tackle it piece by piece, instead of trying to handle it all at once.” Will went from reading at a 1st grade level to a 3rd grade level by that October.

Will: Age 12 The new school year is something Will always struggles with. Desperate to hang on to his sleep schedule and nonstop video game marathons, it always takes him at least a month to get back in the swing of things. This year he’s especially struggling with it. I’ve been hearing my parents have hushed conversations lately. They talk about pulling Will out of the private grade school that I had graduated from and that Will still attends. It’s gotten bad this year; the school won’t offer any of Will’s 504 accommodations. They yell at him for reading his tests out loud, but refuse to place him in a separate testing room. Will is struggling more than ever to keep up with the homework without any of the help he needs. After long nights of deliberating, they decide to transfer him to the public middle school at the end of September. Before Will starts his new school, my Mom decides Will should be reevaluated, that he probably needs more than a 504 plan.   This is the third and final time I hear a label put on Will. As a sophomore in high school, I’m not very familiar with the label “Asperger’s Syndrome”, but when I do a quick search of it through Google I recognize the listed behaviors: • limited or inappropriate social interactions • challenges with nonverbal communication coupled with average to above average verbal skills • inability to understand social/emotional issues or nonliteral phrases • lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation • obsession with specific, often unusual, topics • awkward movements and/or mannerisms Will doesn’t take this label in stride as he did with the others, resenting a label that puts him on the autism spectrum. He’s furious to have to be in different classes than other students, desperate to not be labeled dumb. “Everyone in class is so dumb” he crosses his arms, “It’s too slow.” “It’s not forever, Will. If you work to reach your goals you can go back to a 504 plan instead of an IEP.” My Mom tries to explain to him, but he doesn’t listen. They continue arguing for another hour before my Dad gets frustrated enough to send him to his room. Soon enough I find out through my research into this new label that people who have one disability often times have other disabilities paired with it. I realize that even though Will has dyslexia and suffered through an anxiety disorder that these labels were all really different pieces of this new one.

Will: Age 16 As Will and I check out his schedule for his Junior year, it’s surreal to see AP Chemistry and AP American History printed underneath his name. Will may not be able to write a solid essay but he sure as hell can memorize facts, a talent that shines through in both history and chemistry. Today we drive along the 77 towards Darien Lake on our way to Warped Tour, something he’d been looking forward to for a month. We talk about the future, classes for his senior year and where he wants to go to college. As we sail by trees and cornfields, Will turns to me. “Hey Annie want to hear an interesting fact?” “Not really.” I say at first, tired of hearing irrelevant facts I have no interest in but cave in after seeing Will deflate. “Alright go ahead. What is it?” Will grins, “Did you know Karaoke means "empty orchestra" in Japanese?” “Really? No I didn’t, that’s interesting.” And Will’s face lights up in a smile while he goes into the meaning of other words in foreign languages. I nod along not really listening but letting him go on his random tangent, embracing what makes him different.

Alicia Hughes Nonfiction Oswego, N.Y.