#so it’s all a bit fraught!
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Dream Visitor: Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not your fault the world is wicked. You did the right thing.
Vin'ath’s guardian - who only has their best interests at heart! - comforting them in a way that is definitely 100% sincere and not at all calculated to appeal to their paladin nature. Really.
#the guardian is taking the form of their ex-mentor#a fellow vengeance paladin (turned oathbreaker) who rescued them from some Righteous Good-Aligned Adventurers#(they got captured during Baby’s First Practice Raid as a teenager)#the two of them were good for each other in some ways and DEEPLY toxic in others#they are now estranged and full of mutual regret#so it’s all a bit fraught!#oc: vin'ath#oc: iskrae#bg3#my screenshots
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I've never been more normal in my life.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#jin zixuan#jiang yanli#Both LWJ and JZX are failing so miserably at the deception check in this scene.#The maneuvers are wild. I am putting them into a petri dish.#LWJ yelling at the guy he's madly infatuated with. Who is earnestly asking what's wrong and trying to bridge the gap between you.#Absolute fumble. No wonder WWX is fully convinced this guy hated him. LWJ was dropping all the wrong signs.#No really. If you have a fraught relationship with someone and they yell at you -#-You can't really walk back from that. All you can do is go 'Oh I make this person *miserable* huh?' and leave them be.#And JIN ZIXUAN. My GUY. What were you doing here? Was it nerves?#Like go you for knowing so many snake facts (that is real by the way I didn't make that up).#And true. Some people really do go wild for knowledge dumps. I am assigning JYL as one of those people. To help him recover the fumble.#JZX being a little bit (a lot bit) lame is probably the best thing for his character. I like him just a bit more for this.
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allegedly there's a middle ground between "passive aggressive and indirect" and "annoying and rude" but I have yet to find conclusive evidence of it
#really though this is just because I am STILL fucked up from a horrible 'friendship' where she nitpicked#every attempt I made at communication about stuff that was at all fraught or emotional#that was a whole thing. god she sucked so much. no idea why I listened to her or believed that she was good at communication#and therefore worth listening to#realktalk in hindsight she DID sexually harass me a little and also was probably a bit emotionally abusive. lol.#that woman made me sooooooo mentally ill and continues to haunt my life#life#anyway. this post is actually about me once again trying to figure out how to assert my emotional needs. heurgh.
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#just saw a post that was like 'if you have religious or moral objections that stop you from providing certain types of medical care maybe#you shouldn't work in healthcare' (paraphrased) and...#what a way to look at the world tbh#like. they're talking about me i think - i am a conscientious objector when it comes to euthanasia#(which granted has come up exactly twice and both cases in a theoretical capacity only this is not a frequent request to me)#and... i am also a good doctor#last week i told someone that her weight doesn't matter to her health with receipts to prove it and she cried#no one had ever told her that before#and that was something that came from me specifically. that was something i would not trust all of the GPs in my practice - a practice of#excellent and compassionate GPs! - to say#i am verifiably doing good in my job that is coming from specifically who i am as a person#i cannot put that down when it comes to issues i care deeply about#fundamentally the fact that i cannot put it down is what makes me a good doctor#i think that's what i'm trying to get at#the reason that i do well by my patients is that i practice out of my values and my ethics#if i did not stand on that core i would not stand at all#so you can't have it both ways. you can't have engaged and active and compassionate healthcare providers without sometimes those engaged an#active providers having things they do not feel comfortable doing#and it is to everyone's service if they are up front about it and do not try to hide (i am suspicious of people who try to hide this)#i am literally figuring this all out as i type hence the v long tag ramble and also being nowhere near the post that started this train#(honestly in med school we talked so much about ethics as like. abortion! euthanasia! trans rights! and the ethics in practice is the littl#things. do you apologise when you mess up. how do you manage a consult with your patient with paranoid dementia and her child in the same#room at one time - or one by one bc that's fraught too. (that one's on top i had one of those today.) how do you act with grace when#you're a bit stressed and your patient is a bit stressed and the nurse wants to add five more things to your book. the day to day ethics is#SUCH a bigger thing when you come to actual practice.)#this is obviously entirely about me and leans on the fact that i largely do think i am doing a good job i am really feeling my own way#to a Thought. but i think to a certain extent it is generalisable
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What’s up tumblr hope you had a super fun leap day. sparkle on. big news my first seed start sprouted while I was at work ✨
#might have to change the url bc I’m in my collard era lol#my day was alright#I ate some shrimp curry that I’d accidentally left out all night and was fine bc I’m a scavenger of a person#then bc I started to feel PMDD fatigue I laid in bed with great elan til my shift started#then I spilled coffee all over my work clothes bc I stuck it in a very sketchy travel mug someone left in our house at the last party#and I listened to Screamin Jay Hawkins on the ride to work which was fun#work was a bit chaotic but uneventful and got to spend a huge chunk of it outside#it seems I have way better ball control than I did when I was a kid. whyyy now. i was such a loser I could have used some athleticism#but I’m so glad it’s the weekend so I can go palliative care mode which is what I call my lizard brumation pmdd phase#and stopped by a friend’s house after work which was nice#really rejuvenating#then made a sort of weird frittata w/ beets peppers and potatoes bc I was too tired to actually cook#watched sense and sensibility 1995 and really liked it although I found myself wishing for a bit more anguish. sorry#and I think I might set out one of the frozen almond croissants to proof overnight so I can bake it for bfast tomorrow#will go for a very short swim but probably only about 30 min bc of aforementioned fatigue. then pick up yogurt and a silly little treat#and will have ****** and **** for dinner either tomorrow or Saturday which will be nice#but really hoping Saturday because **** **** ** **** lol#and then Sunday I’m trepidatious about because **** was like what are you doing Sunday and I’m like well I guess having a fraught and#difficult conversation about our dynamic! lol#I’m very lucky to have proactive friends who are good communicators. truly I do not deserve his kindness. but like. god. let me retreat and#lick my wounds!#i shan’t get into it. but just know I know how S&G felt#and then another work week but I’m starting to really get a feel for the routine and what works and what doesn’t#and I’m excited for my next few meal preps we got millet and kale gratin#and a Lebanese chickpea dish the name of which unfortunately escapes me atm#but my mouth is watering thinking about it. saw a vid and was instantly influenced and went to the pantry to see if I had the stuff and I#dooooooooooo#and I do feel like I’m beginning to get past the worst of [event] and its sadness
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✨⚡️ Seven(ish) Sentence Sunday ⚡️✨
Tagged by @acountrygirlsfun (a couple times by now, though not actually this most recent time, but I figure it still counts!) Thank you, Caitlin <3 <3 <3
Helix took a deep breath in, counted four flashes of the desperate direct-@ lights coming in from his side chat panels, and breathed out. His voice came out steady, and miraculously casual. "We understand why you did it. You were trying to keep our brothers safe." He watched Harp's eyes go wide at the 'our' brothers. Like he hadn't expected the rest of them to claim the Corries. Because he'd been hiding from them just like from the longnecks, he had falsified his— Deep breath in. Two flashes, no time for longer, leave no silence for Harp to panic in. Breathe out. Keep going.
This is not seven sentences, but it's also largely not complete sentences anyway, and it is literally what I just seconds ago finished writing. Still counts!
No-pressure tagging uhhh @ialpiriel, @goingsparebutwithprecision, @anaclastic-azurite, anybody else who might want to play?
#tagged by#acountrygirlsfun#I should be taking a shower and going to sleep but this scene isn't clicking so rather than getting frustrated I'm posting it here#I will have to go back through in my rewrites later and make sure everyone doesn't have their breakdowns in the same way#I do a bit better when the characters are speaking out loud#but for internal thought processes I tend to end up with them all sounding suspiciously similar to my own. whoops#anyway this is more of the good data management AU! we've just learned that the Corrie Guards Are Not Okay#and now most everybody else is also Not Okay! we're having bad times today folks#in the story I mean. I had a fine day!#and though it is emotionally fraught and currently fighting me I am still very happy to be getting back to my beloved Guard#Harp's a medic OC and I adore him and he and the Guard he's trying so hard to take care of really deserve a break#and now their brothers are a little more aware (seriously they have only just nicked the tippest bit of iceberg) of how not okay they are#a break they shall shortly receive!!#(it's gonna come with a double helping of Bother so they won't be very grateful. but they will be better rested and that's what matters)
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having a weird fucking night emotionally
#marzi speaks#parents bought me my first car and it is genuinely a lovely car and i’m very very grateful for it#but walking out to it and checking it out made my leg pain flare up#i head back to my bed with my mom helping me out bc this is the worst she’s seen me hobble in a bit#and she notices new little dots on my skin. they’re dots that she gets sometimes#i’ve been emotionally exhausted and fraught all day. and this was sorta the straw that broke the camel’s back#and i just break down. bc yanno i’ve been going through a lot and i’m Tired#and my mom helped talk me through it and i’m still feeling kinda shitty but we’re figuring it out yanno#glad i was able to get a cry in. bc i have Really Needed to cry#but it’s still a bit of a rollercoaster. going from ‘ow thank you so much for the new car it’s wonderful ow’#to ‘yeah okay i need to lie down again’#to just full on crying in my bed#was. a lot
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[fic: double-blind] Hi Tony! So that was some _shit_ you went through, i imagine being forcefully personality swapped into a megalomaniacal dictator would do a number on anyone's brain. Since actual therapy is hardly realistic in your case, what are you doing to cope? Do you have any big or small rituals, any activities that help you feel better? If not atm, do you plan on eventually trying to find some way to healthy-ish cope with your trauma?
Drinking.
--Oh, you said "healthy-ish."
Drinking responsibly.
#fic: double blind#double blind: tony#ursa interlude:#he's joking#probably#I think he will be genuinely leery of altered states of mind for a bit#but no he has absolutely no idea how to navigate all this mental health-wise#he's doing the tony thing and throwing himself into looking for ways to fix the situation like that will also fix his feelings about it#I think once they both left immediate crisis mode he would also try to like... set aside time to just do normal father-son stuff with peter#rewatch favorite movies and make silly updates for the bots (roll them back to their goofy versions since SIM would've “fixed” them) etc.#so they could repair their relationship and start taking steps towards having something more lighthearted and less fraught between them#vs being traumatically joined at the hip
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also this bit was so. it was so
#like firstly their whole conversation. I really like the way they interact w each other it's so like. idk how to phrase it.#like two different machine parts that fit together so comfortably & smoothly through continuous interlocking over time or something.#like you feel like even while having these Fraught back & forths they've got this underlying steady intense understanding of each other#while still being distinct people. like combeferre's personality comes through here. his certain sort of sharpness. idk#And Secondly. seeing enjolras cry is so. like its So impactful it really hits to the gut#like this & then that line about the only two kisses he'd ever given in his life. hh#i'll be honest nothing I'd ever seen on my dash abt enjolras ever made me think I'd care abt him But! here we are#thoughts#les mis#sorry if that's all a bit jumbled I'm like half asleep but I was thinking abt this scene adjhkjs#trans. hapgood
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not that anybody asked but i do think terms like "cis+" or "cisn't", which i've seen thrown around in relation to the prev post, are a bit unnecessary. to me, it just seems like excessively atomising a fairly common experience, which is the desire to not be subject to the more uncomfortable and restrictive aspects of socially constructed gender roles. and sure, it might never even occur to a lot of cis people to do this kind of introspective analysis of their gender identities, and they might therefore be lacking some of the additional perspective of someone who has, but i don't think we necessarily need need a special new category for it. when you get down to it, "cis person who has previously questioned their gender" and "cis person who has never felt the need to question their gender" are both still cis, which in theory is a value-neutral description and a perfectly fine thing to be.
#this isn't meant as a criticism of people who like those terms or find them valuable or validating#it's more just. i don't get it and i don't really see the point of them but that's fine because they're not aimed at me anyway.#if you're cis but you want to add a modifier to encapsulate your gender journey then you do you.#to me just seems a bit patronising to tell cis people they're actually cis+ or whatever#like. aww you did such a good job thinking about your gender! here is a star sticker for you that says 'more evolved than other cis people'#instead maybe we can just trust that 1. people are the experts on their own identities and experiences#if someone says they're happy to continue identifying as the gender they were assigned at birth we can probably take their word for it!#and 2. accept that we all probably have a lot more in common than we might assume#it seems like a mistake to think 'this experience (gender discomfort and introspection) is exclusively a trait of x category of person'#'so if someone from y category has experienced it they must not actually be y‚ they must be something else instead'#which allows you to comfortably continue to paint people from y group as a wholly separate other with fundamentally alien experiences#and no possible point of overlap or common ground.#i see this a lot with the eternal thorn in my side which is posts about how The Neurotypicals Do This Thing#and also with a certain flavour of ace discourse#which presumes that 1. anyone who doesn't choose to identify under the asexual identity umbrella must necessarily be allosexual#2. there is a single unifying allosexual experience which can be equally applied to the rest of the human population#and 3. no allosexual person could possibly have a complicated or fraught relationship with sex and sexuality.#or if they did have any experiences in common with asexual people they'd naturally choose to identify as ace instead.#therefore these two identities must be wholly separate groups with no experiential overlap.#like idkkkkk clearly these hyperspecific labels are useful to some people!#but to me they often just seem to generate feelings of division and othering#or they're used as a way to claim a particular experience as exceptional to one group#when it's actually a pretty common feature of the human condition.
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also I'm pretty excited about returning to the place where I have a keyboard next week. If I can carve out some time, I'd love to keep on working on musical themes for the animatic project because I have ideas and I want to jam them out
#thoughts#animatic project#thralls of power#I have a pretty good headstart on impa's theme and I'd like to push it a little further#the main theme too (though I'm not sure it makes for a good main theme but I still really like the vibes of it so maybe something else)#I have a horrible idea for a theme so I want to play with that too (it involves the TP Sages theme which WILL be a leitmotif)#one thing that I find very liberating working about OoT/TP versions of the universe is that#my soundbanks are incredibly dated#I'm working on a Windows XP computer with all associated software#and I never really upgraded my stuff because I'm not sure where to begin#but!! I think it can become a strength of the soundtrack if I'm not afraid of how tinny it can sound at times#because it would echo some of the mixing limitations of that time#and I don't trust myself to do better work than that honestly#I have a very fraught relationship to music composition and sharing my work but I'm hoping this project can repair that a bit
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I think I may have just met my maternal grandfather in a dream??? Got a hug and told mom- she was worried but I told her he was on his best behavior.
Hmm. I’ve never dreamed about him before. Wonder how accurate that dream version was.
#he and mom had a fraught relationship#he was always pushing for excellence and was a bit of an odd bird#he was a psychologist of some sort#and he was killed when mom was 23 so I never met him#over all weirdly lucid dream
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i really want to show off my new gen oc ideas i think theyre so cool
#ardyx.txt#i really have to learn how to make something so i can show them off and talk about them#even if some are a bit fraught like leynah and her parentcule#cause :/ what do i do with all that#but! i love.... they...
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After spending NiF listening to my girlfriend explain how Lin Shu should die, she is now spending Mr. Sunshine listening to me explain how Lady Ae-shin is femmephobic because she will not marry Hui-seong and have threesomes and/or a protracted emotional affair with Eugene.
#this is a joke I am joking#what is true is that I have never watched a show with people less inclined to polyamory that really makes me want poly fic#even my beloved nif featured more poly inclined characters#and it's a shame because there's so much there!#I think all five of the main characters have individually interesting and sexy relationships with each other#under other circumstances I'd be throwing all the male romance options down a well for#ae-shin/hina but no! the guys are great both with the ladies and each other#this is admittedly very much an ae-shin's harem situation with the possible exception of hina who is the most capable of resisting her#by virtue of not being canonically in love with her#but tbh out of perversity this is only making me ship it more#marry the girl who keeps cockblocking you by being irresistible to every dude in your radius#you are already managing her harem#just like. make it even more fraught and terrible by falling in love#tbh I do also love how hina is a little bit of a closet romantic#won't catch her with a dude who is buying mensware for another girl#Hina: your path will doom you and also them while making all four of you deeply unhappy#Also Hina: I will do everything you do but backwards in high heels#same path they're all on the same path!!!#one might even say walking side by side
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As an aro-spec ace, it’s really confusing that I want all the cutesy pink heart shaped valentines day stuff that stores are putting out now…
#and I know you can celebrate whatever kind of love you want to and blah blah blah#but romantic love is definitely prioritized#that said. wanting this stuff does feel a bit like healing my once very fraught relationship with the holiday#from not wanting to buy the boxes of valentines for my classmates in grade school#lest they think I liked them *like that*#and only gave them chocolate with the message ‘Happy Valentine’s Day!’ to do some semblance of fitting in#to when I did a very anti-valentines day celebration for my friends in high school#(that was the year after the only year I’ve been in a relationship for the day and that had gone so poorly#the gift I’d given him was so nice and thoughtful and took his interests into account and I wrapped it up nicely#and he got me m&ms on the way to my house…and they weren’t even my favorite kind#and I know he must have known my favorite kind because his little brother saved all of the peanut m&ms from halloween to give to me)#anyway I feel much better about the holiday now#sarah’s assorted thoughts
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normally he's very like. disciplined about such things, kind of to a fault tbh, but we went to the grocery store while running my errands earlier today (and I got cookies and mentos), then he went to another grocery store while he was running some independent errands because he was out of beer and forgot, and then this evening he ordered some delivery groceries which he never does, ostensibly because he wanted chocolate, but he ended up getting me caramels and swiss rolls too, and he offered to share as much of his candy as I want.
I know sometimes even when others are expressing their love for me it can be hard for me to see it, but I can see this one.
#he was also so much more relaxed this evening when he asked me if I wanted any food#and I said something about possibly usong up my only real food slot on lunch instead#(I had leftover cheese sticks from arby's and a slice of ice cream cake taran made me)#he just smiled and said that's fine I did good or something like that.#I don't remember.#he gets anxious sometimes about making sure that I eat#but between my body and my brain eating is. Complex. perhaps one could even say Fraught upon occasion.#so it was a nice change of pace yknow?#(ngl I am a teeny bit worried about like you were so worried about money after booking the hotel now you're ordering delivery?)#(but there is no benefit to voicing that because I know he has an equal or greater penchant for hoarding money out of fear.)#(*as I do)#(so like. it is extremely likely that it's totally fine and he's making a conscious effort to push through it like I sometimes have to)#I haven't been going through my found eggs very quickly#so it all works out roughly the same#I am noticing like. a minor degree of conscious restriction unfortunately. but. not much to be done about it.#extenuating circumstances for sure.#it's still very minor and I am keeping an eye on it.#the vast majority of the not-eating is due to circumstances outside my control tho#like being too tired to chew#and overall I am still eating.#just. not enthusiastically or at a normal frequency.#oh I forgot he also got a bag of jelly beans to sort
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