#they are now estranged and full of mutual regret

[gothyanki]

Dream Visitor: Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not your fault the world is wicked. You did the right thing.

Vin'ath’s guardian - who only has their best interests at heart! - comforting them in a way that is definitely 100% sincere and not at all calculated to appeal to their paladin nature. Really.

[lovehealgrow]

Coping with Family Estrangement During the Holidays

The holidays are so often tied inherently to the idea of a family gathering around a table, visiting relatives, and having joyous conversations with loved ones. But this “typical” idea of the holidays is not realistic for many people — especially those who have been estranged from their families.

Individuals who are estranged from a member or few members of their family may be expected to join family get-togethers and “get over” the estrangement as if it is something as simple as an argument that happened during childhood. But conversely, some individuals may be estranged from an entire family and be left out of holiday plans, gatherings, and even stories.

No matter the extent of your estranged relationship, the holidays can be challenging and full of mixed emotions. Today, we’re going to look into why estrangement happens, its effects on an individual’s mental health, and some tips for coping during the festive holiday season.

How Does Estrangement Happen?

In general, the circumstances around estrangement will vary from situation to situation. However, one thing that is often the case is that estrangements are rarely mutual. Often, the individual estranged from a family member or family may not even know why.

Estrangement is an intentional decision. It is not the same as drifting apart from an old friend. With estrangement, it is a conscious and intentional decision to cut ties and sever communication. People of all ages, genders, and opinions may become estranged from members of their families. One example of a community with a high level of estranged relationships is the LGBTQ+ community. Some community members may have cut ties with their families of origin and joined their chosen families. Others may have become estranged from their families due to disownment or trans/homophobia of relatives.

The Effects of Estrangement on Mental Health

We grow up with sayings like “blood is thicker than water” and “there is nothing more important than family.” But what if family isn’t forever. What if you are excluded from and even ignored by your family? This exclusion that comes with being estranged from family can take a heavy toll on our mental health.

Estranged individuals — whether they cut the ties themselves or were forced out of the family — often carry heavy feelings of grief and loss. Some may feel regret or guilt, while others may feel only loneliness and anger. Of course, what you feel will depend on your situation and your personal emotions. But one thing is for sure, estrangement can damage your mental health — especially if you do not know any healthy coping mechanisms.

Tips for Coping with Estrangement During the Holidays

Now, without further ado, here are some tips for coping with family estrangement during this winter holiday.

Recognize Your Feelings

Remember that you are entitled to any and all feelings that you are experiencing. While these feelings may not be pleasant, they reflect your emotions and accepting them is crucial.

Estrangement is complicated, painful, and often way too much for us to handle on our own. Because of this, many of us may push off the feelings — saying things like “I need to get over it” or “I should be fine with this by now” — but this is not helpful. Instead, allow yourself to feel your emotions, whether they are sadness, guilt, anger, or anything else, and realize that they will not last forever.

Be Gentle

We touched on this just a little bit above, but more than anything, you need to be caring and accepting of yourself and the feelings you are going through. Especially if we are recently estranged, we can have a tendency to blame others or (more commonly) ourselves. Blame gets you nowhere, and the longer you spend in that accusatory mentality, the harder it can be to let go and move on.

Make a Plan

Sometimes it might seem like going into the holiday season with no plan, but “relax” is the best idea ever — especially if, up until the holidays, your work or school schedule is packed. But, in reality, we often get bored after just a day or two of “relaxing”. The last thing you want for your holiday is to be left bored with nothing to look forward to and no one to see.

To prevent this from happening to you, make plans in advance. Maybe plan a night out with your friends sometimes when you’re all around. Plan a trip to the spa for a lovely holiday-time pampering. There are tons of things that you can plan that are relaxing and fun to stave off that boredom and loneliness you may feel if you’re just “relaxing” at home.

Don’t Isolate Yourself

It can be tempting to stay holed up in your home, avoid people, and ignore the festivities around you. Unfortunately, this is not going to make anything better. Humans are inherently social creatures; when we hide away from others and allow ourselves to be alone, we usually end up feeling worse than we did before.

So, rather than isolating yourself, spend time with friends — hang out with people you care about and who care about you. Focus on connecting with your chosen family.

Opt for Healthy Hobbies

Picking up weightlifting, running, boxing, or any other form of physical exercise can be a great way to release some of your pent-up emotions healthily. If you’re not feeling like doing a whole bunch of physical activity, you can also try doing a more mentally stimulating exercise, such as meditation or yoga.

The goal here is to try and devote some of your time to doing something for your body. When we get stressed or experience severe emotions, it can be beneficial to opt for activities that bring our focus to our bodies.

Come Up with a Script

If you are still spending the holidays with your family, there may be some topics you’d rather not discuss. We all know that even if they mean well, sometimes family and friends can be less sensitive than we’d like them to be. But, if you prepare a script that you can say when that topic comes up, you can deal with the situation much more effectively than if you were trying to come up with something on the spot.

This does not have to be a long script by any means. No one is expecting you to delve into a Shakespearean monologue. But, having a simple answer and moving on can be a great way to notify family and friends that this might not be the best topic for the dinner table this year.

Seek Support

We’ve touched on this before, but recognize that being alone and trying to solve everything on your own is simply not going to be as effective (or pleasant) as engaging with others. Maybe you can call a trusted friend who you can talk to about what you are going through.

If you would like more professional advice and personalized guidance about how you can better cope with and process the feelings you are going through, you can also reach out to a therapist. Therapists can be excellent sources of support, acceptance, and guidance on how to healthily process your emotions and improve your life. So, if you think you could use additional guidance before (or after) the holiday season, please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Love Heal Grow.

[angst-fairygodmother]

Light Fingers (The Umbrella Academy)

Diego’s vigilantism brings him repeatedly across the path of a young cat burglar. But as he finds himself developing feelings for the thief, he begins to wonder if there’s more to her than meets the eye, and whether they’re really on opposite sides. And as their relationship deepens, it brings with it a plot involving his estranged adopted father, and threatens to destroy all of them.

EPILOGUE: A HOUSE DIVIDED

Word Count: 1451 Pairing: Diego Hargreeves x Reader Rating: T Content Warnings: swearing, references to violence (canon-typical), heavy angst  Cross-posted to AO3: here

Previous Chapter: Darkness Falls || Masterlist

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me, read, reblogged, commented, messaged. I don’t know where I’d be without all of you (probably still back at chapter 3). While this is the end of Light Fingers, it is not the end of the story. I just need to take a little time and approach canon with care.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week of radio silence followed that night. As the days went by, you tried your best to return to your normal, to waiting tables and bantering with kitchen staff and trying to pretend you weren’t holding yourself together by a thread. 

Something immediately felt off as you entered the apartment one night after a double shift and dropped your keys by the door. Conjuring enough light to see and no more, you began creeping through the room. It didn't take long to see that all of Diego's things were gone - except Duncan, the dog snoozing blissfully on the couch. You weren’t surprised. After all, if he’d wanted to put things back together, or thought you could, he would have reached out before now. So instead he had quickly and quietly removed his presence from your apartment, and very likely walked out of your life without a word. The thought stung, that for all you had intertwined your lives, he was still able to remove himself in a day. 

The light on your answering machine was blinking, and numbly you hit the button and listened to Patch’s message. 

~

“Thank you for finally returning my call,” Eudora said exasperatedly, as she took a seat across from you in the little cafe the following Sunday.

“Sorry Dora,” you offered her a sheepish and regretful half-smile. “I haven’t really felt like seeing anyone lately. Besides, I didn’t want to put you in an awkward place. I know you and Diego were, are…”

“Close? The three of us all were. Why do you think I’ve been trying to reach you?”

You looked down, tracing the wood grains of the tabletop. “There’s no fixing this one, Dora. We’re...too far gone.”

“How? You two were good for each other. A blind man could see it.”

“Irreconcilable differences.”

“We both know that’s bullshit, Y/N.”

“I...made a choice. One Diego couldn’t agree with. We fought about it. And when he decided to walk out, I not only let him, I practically packed his bags. And in the end it turned out to be pointless anyway.”

Yesterday’s paper had contained an article about how the investigation into Reginald had been dropped for lack of foundation, and he’d been able to collect a substantial insurance payout for the warehouse, and the feds had offered an official statement of apology on top of everything else. You had scared a local alley cat with the tantrum that had followed reading that. Because of course, trying to take him down had cost you everything and he’d still won in the end. How else could it have gone?

“Why do I bother,” Eudora sighed with a frustrated gesture. “I should have known you’d be just as cryptic as he was.”

“It’s complicated, Dora, so it’s easier than trying to explain and sounding completely nuts. I wish I could tell you. But the details don’t really matter, just that I fucked up, big time, and I can’t undo it.”

She reached across the table to take one of your fidgeting hands in her own. “Y/N. Listen to me. I know you and I know Diego. It’s not too late for the two of you. I can tell how much you both still care.”

“It’s not about that,” you struggled to keep back your tears. “We just weren’t meant to be. Forcing it will only break things worse.”

You winced, the words sounding harsh and a little bit fake. But they were true, or at least that’s what you wanted to convince yourself of so that you could move on. 

“Besides, he came by when I was at work and took all his stuff. Doesn’t that pretty much scream final?”

“I’ve talked to him, Y/N. I’ve seen him. He’s really messed up. And I don't think he's eating much or sleeping at all if I'm being honest.”

“Why are you telling me this?” your voice trembled, heart breaking with every word. 

“You could find him, probably at the Lion,” she fixed you with a look and tilted her head to one side. “You could talk to him.”

You shook your head. “There's nothing left to say.” 

“You're really giving up that easily?”

You wanted to scream, or to somehow explain that it was anything but easy. But that it was the right thing to do. For Diego’s sake. He, and she, would understand someday, you had to believe that.

“Eudora, please.”

“Fine. If neither of you is going to fight for this, I guess I should just deliver you his message.”

Despite yourself, your heart leapt at the idea Diego actually had something left to say. And then it plummeted a moment later when you realized that whatever it was, he couldn’t say himself, he had to ask your mutual best friend to do it for him. 

“I’m sorry, that you’re stuck in the middle. You don’t...have to be our carrier pigeon. If you don’t want to,” you said sheepishly, shrugging slightly. 

“If I don’t, you wouldn’t communicate at all.”

“That might--”

“If you say it’s for the best, I will walk out,” Eudora snapped, making you reel back in shock. “I hate the cryptic non-answers, but at least it’s not full-on lying to me. So don’t start.” 

You swallowed down whatever you were going to say and sighed. “You said you had a message from Diego?”

“He asked me to give you these,” she laid a set of keys on the table. “Said the apartment was your home and he’d never dream of trying to take it in whatever divorce papers you end up filing. And that he picked up his things, which I know you saw. Anything he left behind, he said, is not important.”

You looked down at the keys, letting some of the tears you’d fought so hard against fall. 

‘He left me behind,’ you wanted to say. ‘He left us.’ But that wouldn’t be fair, or help anything, so you bit your tongue. 

“Y/N,” she sounded apologetic but you could tell she no more knew the words to say than you did. Instead after a moment, she carried on. “He also said that a gym is no place for a boxer, which I think was him trying to make a joke, and that at least if you keep Duncan, he’ll know there’s someone watching your back and making sure you come home.”

You couldn’t help your snort of disbelief or the bitter tone of your response. “As if I’m the one to worry about there, not him with his stupid vigilante crime-fighting bullshit. I only ever got involved in that because of him, for him.” Somehow, that was the thing that opened the floodgates and you began to cry in earnest. “Fuck, Dora. He’s going to get himself killed someday.”

She reached over to take your hand again, giving it a comforting squeeze. Silence reigned over you for a few minutes, while she let you cry it out and offered you quiet support. 

“He won’t,” she said, eventually. “We both know he’s careful, and insanely lucky. And…” she sighed, rolling her eyes. “I’m not going to leave him completely on his own. I’m in line for an early promotion, and then I’ll be able to have people looking out for him.”

You offered her a watery smile, almost laughing. “I don’t know what I’d do, or either of us would, without you.”

She shrugged. “Good thing you won’t ever find out.”

The rest of the conversation flowed naturally, as it always did, or nearly so. After a few stinted failures to start, you carried on as if it was any other coffee date. As you were paying your bills, the light caught the silver band still on your finger. You bit your lip, slowly sliding it off, its weight heavy in your palm despite how slim, how small it was.

“Eudora, can I ask one more favor?” you asked hesitantly.

“Of course, Y/N. What are friends for?” she said, offering you a smile.

You held the ring out to her. “Can you give this to Diego for me? And tell him that I’m sorry. And I still love him. No, actually, don’t tell him that. Just...that he should have this back, and I hope that maybe someday, I can be the person he saw who deserved it. Or something like that. I don’t know. It sounds stupid, doesn’t it?” You shook your head, swiping at more tears that were threatening to spill. 

She flashed you a sympathetic half-smile. “I’ll give him your message.” 

Your fingers shook as you passed the ring over to her, a heavy weight of true finality settling over you.

[taboofables]

CP2077 OC ask game *:･ﾟ✧⚔️🤖🔮 [x]

PERSONAL.

1. what is their full name? do they have any nicknames? what are they and why did they get them? Vincent Laszlo Toth. Everyone just calls him V because he doesn’t like getting too personal. But if he feels comfortable around you he prefers to be called Laszlo. He’ll tell you himself  

2. how old are they? how long have they been living on their own? 28 as of 2077. He’s been living on his own for 10 years since he joined Arasaka

3. what are their astrology signs? sun/moon/rising. He was born on June 10th 2049, which makes him a sun Gemini, moon Libra and ascendant Virgo 

4. what tarot card from the major arcana would you associate with them? The Fool, the Hanged Man, Death

5. are they religious or spiritual in any way? Neither but his experience made him think of many things and he’s coming to a sort of spirituality in his own way 

6. which of the four elements would you associate with them? Fire for his inner strength and transformation through action 

9. which of the nine alignments are they? (lawful good etc) Chaotic neutral 

10. which of the myers-briggs personality types are they? ESTP

11. do they have any cyberware? is it cosmetic or is it weaponry/armor? Circulatory system: Second heart; Frontal cortex: Ex-Disk; Arms: Projectile launch system; Ocular system: Kiroshi optics; Cyberdeck: NetWatch Netdiver Mk.5; Integumentary system: Subdermal armor; Skeleton: Titanium bones, Bionic lungs; Legs: Fortified ankles 

12. what is their occupation? Arasaka’s personal lapdog? He’s not sure yet because he does a bit of everything but his competence in weaponry and hacking earned him a good score in the eyes of Saburo and Hanako Arasaka themselves. Sorry Goro & Oda 

13. if you were to choose a class for them, what would it be? Combat netrunner

14. what is their weapon of choice? M-179 Achilles precision rifle, Malorian Arms 3516 gun

15. what is their preferred vehicle or transportation of choice? Villefort Cortes Delamain no.21 & Yaiba Kusanagi CT-3X.�� Depends on his mood and how fast he needs to arrive

16. how would you describe their style? He’s a shameless looter and wears only the best from his fallen enemies :)  But mostly it’s neomilitarism

17. are they a early riser or a night owl? Night owl. He can adapt but at any given chance he stays up late and wakes up late

18. share three songs you associate with them. Devils Got You Beat - Blues Saraceno Nu Disco Remix Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff Jonathan Davis - Walk On By

NIGHT CITY.

19. is your character from night city? if no, where were they born? what brought them to night city? if yes, what area of the city did they grow up? Charter Hill, Night City. It’s a corpo district, relatively new. Used to be a nice place until everyone with big pockets got the hots for North Oak. Now it’s just the most affordable comfort area for mid-level corpos

20. where do they currently live? describe their home. He currently resides at the Arasaka Family Compound outskirts of Tokyo. It’s a huge ass fortress in a feudal style, beautiful and old-fashioned. He has a simple but spacious room in a traditional Japanese style with a futon mattress. He loathes it & most of the people around but at least he gets fed well regularly, and he enjoys spending time in a cherry grove garden 

21. do they have any favorite spots around NC? A garden in the Glen, he found it refreshing

22. do they like to cook for themselves, or eat out? do they prefer restaurants or street food? and how do they feel about vending machine food? He doesn’t like vending machines and enjoys the food served at the Compound, even if it seems exotic to him. But occasionally he eats street food to remind himself of his past life

23. do they prefer the city or the badlands? Stone jungles all the way. He was born in the city and he doesn’t get the appeal of dirt, sand and wind

24. what gang/faction/corporation do they align with, if any? Arasaka. He always thought it was more promising than Militech despite his parents’ lectures. His fate within the company wasn’t always good but he worked hard to prove himself. In some twisted way it did pay off

25. which radio station(s) is their favorite? He switches between Pacific Dreams, Vexelstrom, Samizdat and Morro Rock

26. if they do merc work, do they have one dedicated fixer? if so, who? Not really but he enjoyed working with Rogue. Johnny was right, she is the best. Her charisma is unmatched

27. have they ever had run ins with the badges? He prefers not to attract attention even if he has corpo immunity

28. are they quick to help a stranger in need or do they prefer to stay out of other peoples business? Depends. If stranger seems to be innocent then he might, but if V smells they brought it on themselves he won’t lift a finger for them

29. do they have any favorite celebrities that frequent or live in NC? how would they feel meeting them? V isn’t into celebrities. His closest experience to meeting one would be abduction of Hanako Arasaka. It wasn’t part of the plan and at first he thought he screwed up even worse than before - she was his former boss’ daughter at the time and he was practically begging her for help. But for some strange reason she reached out to him more than once so maybe he wasn’t so terrible

RELATIONSHIPS.

30. is your friend a social butterfly or more of a loner? Not exactly a butterfly but certainly not a loner. He socializes well but currently the world of top-level managers makes him feel out of place. Not a lot of people to connect to and it’s suffocating

31. who are their closest chooms in NC? Jackie was. Now it’s Viktor Vector and Misty but he hasn’t seen them in a while

32. do they have anyone they would consider family? Judy and Panam as they went through a lot together and supported each other

33. what is/was their relationship like with their parents? They are Militech managers so they weren’t happy when he chose Arasaka. They don’t communicate ever since

34. do they have siblings? He has an older brother Andras ‘Andy’ Toth but he hasn’t spoken to him for a while either

35. how would you describe their relationship with their family? Estranged

36. who is their biggest enemy? At this point anyone The Arasakas point their fingers at

37. tell a short story about your character with their best choom. Not exactly a story but V regrets never telling Jackie how much he affected his life. Jackie was a real force of nature

38. do they have a love interest? if so, who? He might... But he’s completely oblivious to his feelings and she’s way out of his league. It’s Hanako Arasaka

39. are they in a committed relationship or do they date around? They’re not and they don’t

40. has your character ever been in love? if so, with who? Once, with another corpo girl at Arasaka long time ago. It didn’t work

41. do they believe in soulmates? No, he believes in luck and mutual efforts

42. do they believe in love at first sight? He heard about it but it never happened to him and he doesn’t believe he can fall for someone just seeing them for the first time. You literally don’t know them at all at this point. He believes that love is a mutual investment and work

43. describe their ideal date. At this point it might be something as simple as watching sakura trees blooming. Small pleasures of life

44. would your character ever get married? If he had more time to live then maybe, theoretically. If he could be with someone special and circumstances worked in their favor

45. what was your characters first impression of their partner(s)? Not a partner but rather a love interest. He thought that Hanako handled herself well given the overall situation, and even was arrogant as fuck. Maybe that’s why she impressed him, it left a mark on his memory. I mean, you kidnap someone and they pretty much insult you? Fuck yes, no gift wrap is required

46. are they open about their relationship or low key? how would other people feel about them together? They’re not in a relationship but if they would be then it’d definitely be low key. No one should know, otherwise it may create serious problems for both

47. share a headcanon about your character and their partner(s). He likes to take and touch things from her table when he’s pensive during their conversations. Occasionally he spouts self-made haiku when the mood strikes him and boy - he’s terrible at it

48. share three songs you associate with your character and their partner(s). Chris Isaak - Wicked Game Jonathan Davis - Basic Needs The Rolling Stones - Anybody Seen My Baby? Hikaru Utada - Heart Station

NSFW.

49. name three of your characters biggest turn ons. Nice derriere, beautiful eyes and maturity

50. name three of your characters biggest kinks. Not taking clothes off; Voyeurism; Footsie

51. do they like having multiple partners or do they prefer monogamy? When it comes to a relationship he’s fully committed but he hasn’t been in one for a long time

52. do they watch porn or braindances? Both but BDs beat porn. He doesn’t do it often though

53. would your character ever make an explicit braindance? No, he’s not interested and not in a position to make one

54. do they have any cybernetic enhancements that serve sexual purposes? No

55. do they have a preference for ‘ganic bodies or do they like modifications? He doesn’t care much as long as he likes the person. Organic bodies are soft and warm, they give different kind of sensations. But he’s not picky

56. name three of your characters biggest turn offs. Low IQ, overly sexual behavior, manipulations

57. what is their ultimate fantasy? or ““secret”“ kink? Don’t ask because he won’t tell you even if his life depended on it. It’s bending Hanako over her piano and giving her a hard fuck, and once they’re done it’s breathing heavily in unison against her neck, their hands holding each other, her golden fingers leaving bruises on his thighs afterwards

58. would they ever use any substances like aphrodisiacs, alcohol or drugs during sex? No, he prefers natural sensations. At least as long as his nervous system is working properly

59. what is their wildest sexual experience? He accidentally almost drowned once during sex in a bathtub

60. are they more submissive or dominant? Dominant

61. does your character need to have an intimate relationship with someone to have sex? or do they prefer being unattached? That depends on a situation. Intimate relationship heightens the effects but aren’t necessary to derive pleasure

62. has your character ever participated in group sex? No but he received invitations

63. do they like to sext or play over the holo? Yes, if there’s a appropriate time for it

64. has your character ever ghosted someone after a sexual encounter? Yes

65. how would they react if they were ghosted by someone they like after a sexual encounter? He’s already been ghosted by Meredith Stout and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. It’s unpleasant but why focus on something that doesn’t work if you can find more opportunities?

66. do they prefer kink oriented sex or spontaneous passionate sex? If he had to choose then it would be the latter 

67. how do they get down on their own? quick and easy or do they have to romance themselves a little? Quick and easy, all he needs is imagination and a shower. Just don’t disturb him

68. in what outfit do they feel sexiest? how do they dress to impress? Anything that’s clean, fresh and comfortable to wear

69. do they like having music on while they have sex? share three songs they’d play while getting down. He never tried it with music but he’s always open to new experiences and suggestions

[shesey]

Excerpts from “She came to stay” by Simone de Beauvoir | Part 1

“She exercised that power: her presence snatched things from their unconsciousness; she gave then their colour, their smell.” “She alone evoked the significance of these abandoned places, of these slumbering things. She was there and they belonged to her. The world belonged to her.” “At this moment she did not in the least regret that Pierre was not beside her: there were some joys she could not know when he was with her; all the joys of solitude.” “I’d like to think that the whole world is asleep, that at this moment you and I are the only living souls on earth.” “I feel calmer now, because I’m convinced that wherever I may go, the rest of the world will move with me. That’s what keeps me from having any regrets. Regrets for what? Said Gerbert. Having to live only in my own skin when the world is so vast.” “It amazes Elizabeth that I’m not ambitious; but that’s precisely why. I don’t want to try to cut out a special place for myself in the world. I feel that I am already in it.” “Where others only saw an impenetrable jungle, Pierre saw a virgin future which was his to shape as he chose. That was the secret of this strength.” “The truth is that I enjoy the early stages. You don’t understand that? Perhaps, said Francoise, but I would not be interested in an affaire which had no continuity.” “If they were not mentioned, it was almost as if they had not existed at all, and this allowed a shameful subterranean vegetation to grow up under the surface of true existence where she felt utterly alone and in danger of suffocation.” “How easy it was to live a full life in a world that held both the ruins at Delphi and the bare Provencal hillsides, as well as this congeries of humanity!” “Each one of these men, each one of these women present here tonight was completely absorbed in living a moment of his or her insignificant existence.” “No longer was she conscious of risk, or hope, or fear; only of this happiness over which she did not even have control.” “Imprisoned in happiness.” “After all, nothing obliged her to resume her work the very next day. It was slightly absurd to spend hour after hour here without dancing, without speaking to a soul, but if one set one’s mind to it there was a fascination to be found in this kind of self-absorption.” “But this yard, cluttered with old stage sets, had lost none of its poetry by becoming an everyday sight.” “Sexual faithfulness is perfectly ridiculous. It leads to pure slavery. I don’t understand how you can tolerate it.” “Nonsense. You’re not going to tell me that it’s never happened to you to feel desire for a man. You’re talking like all the people who won’t admit they have prejudices. They pretend they are subject to them as a matter of personal choice. But that’s just so much nonsense.” “Beautiful things are not easily created. The more precious they are, the more work they require.” “I didn’t say this work was beautiful. I know that beauty lies only in the completed work, but I find it thrilling to watch the transition from the formless to the pure and completed state.” “She only has you and she’s very fond of you. That can’t be much fun.” “Why do people always have to drag so much dead weight about with them? Look, said Pierre, time isn’t made up of a heap of little separate bits into which you can shut yourself up in turn. When you think you’re living purely in the present, you’re involving your future, whether you like it or not.” “I’m very envious of your capacity to feel things so strongly. I understand our putting a higher value on that than anything else.” “If she spoke of it to Pierre, it would become a disquieting and gripping reality instead of a fleeting mood. Thenceforth, he would have to bear it in mind even when she herself attached no importance to it.” “His heart was hidden; that hand on his sleeve could be seen by every eye in the theatre.... but for whom does it really exist, this love that exists between us? At this moment, even she did not believe in it, nothing remained of it anywhere in the whole of existence.” “I wanted to give you more than you were prepared to accept. And, if one is sincere, to give is a way of insisting on some return.” “If he was suffering, she would suffer too.” “The day when I no longer feel anything, I’m not going to look for excuses to feel.” “I admit that people should write. There’s something voluptuous about words. But only when the spirit moves you.” “This separateness hurt her cruelly, but nothing would induce her to set food on this slippery slop of the imagination at the bottom of which yawned she knew not what abyss.” “You’re sensitive and intelligent - gifts that are not everyone’s. They’re trump cards.” “She was wrong to depend so entirely on Pierre: that was a real mistake, she ought not to thrust responsibility for herself upon someone else.” “Things had barely changed during the past twenty years, the atmosphere was oppressive. Whenever Francoise came back to this flat, she felt that all those years had led absolutely nowhere: time was spread all around her in a quiet, stagnant pool. To live was to grow old, nothing more.” “By always avoiding questions of principle, she could easily come to a kind of understanding with her parents.” “She had the painful impression of being in exile. In the ordinary way, the centre of Paris was wherever she happened to be. Today, everything had changed.” “Anguish pierced her: it was not a definite pain, she would have to delve very deep into the past to unearth a similar uneasiness.” “What had happened now was that the present world was out of reach; not only was she exiled from Paris, she was exiled from the whole world. The people who were sitting on the terrace, the people who were walking in the street, were insubstantial, were shadows; the houses were nothing but painted black-clothes with no depth.” “Love was surely less simple than he thought. It was stronger than time, nevertheless it existed in time, and from instant to instant, it was the cause of misgivings, self-denial, and minor despondencies.” “And when you begin to question a decision, it’s always disturbing. Xaviere is a living question mark.” “Introspection is tiring. It’s dangerous... She would have had to re-examine everything from the beginning but that required a superhuman strength.” “Whatever you may say about life, it always seems to me to be just so many words.” “Long periods of boredom punctuated by short bursts of pleasure seemed completely natural to him.” “There was nothing anywhere to envy, or to regret, or to fear. The past, the future, love, unhappiness, were no more than a sound made with the mouth.” “How could her exact tone of voice, the scent of her room at that moment, be described? Words could bring you nearer the mystery, but without making it any less impenetrable; it only masked the heart in a more chilling shadow.” “If she now so often felt estranged from Pierre, it was because she had allowed him to progress alone down these paths of admiration and affection.” “It was a little frightening. In his tender phrases, his affectionate gestures, she saw only an intention of kindness. they were not wholly convincing, they did not register properly... could her doubting ever again be stopped?” “But these were only words; they were two separate persons... the result of her blind trust was that she suddenly found herself facing a stranger.” “But if you study her with a little sympathy you’ll perceive in all that a clumsy attempt to give a definite value to her life and to herself as a person. Even her respect for the social formulas - marriage, fame -- is still a form of this anxiety.” “Isn’t there any country where people can do as they like? No... you’re cornered.” (pg 145-146) “If I could have her to myself, I would love her. This domineering little girl, too, was nothign more than a tiny fragment of the warm, defenceless world.” “She would have to make up her mind once and for all to face up to all the changes that had taken plcae; for days and days now her thoughts had a tinger of bitterness... ‘I want to see clearly’”.

“...there were so many thoughts that she now kept to herself.” “... they must above all pay more attention to each other at every moment.” “Up to now, when she thought: We are separate, that separation was still a mutual misfortune that struck both of them, and that together they would remedy. Now she understood: to be separate was to live out teh separation alone.” “She felt that they dreaded the moment of departure, but that they found no pleasure in staying on there.”

[msjr0119]

Cordonian Wags

Part 15- Malice

In a world full of Professional footballers and their demanding wives- can their football team nicknamed the ‘Cordonian Apples’ succeed? An American female physiotherapist joins the club. Will this cause issues with the footballers wives?

*This series is based on The Royal Romance characters who belong to Pixelberry - AU Plot switch*

Tags: @annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @whenyourheartskipsabeat @jovialyouthmusic @nz1091 @yukinagato2012 @indiacater @seriouslybadchoices @rainbowsinthestorm @cordonianroyalty

******

Lindsey-

Myself and Olivia have been socialising all day. If myself and Leo are going to elaborate on our relationship, I’ll need to get to know his sister in law. She’s a snotty wag, but deep down she is friendly if you get to know her. I wouldn’t piss her off though. I’m debating returning home to New York, the original plan was to come short term after my kid sister was an emotional wreck. And that was before all the drama with Xavier had occurred.

We have an early brunch, Olivia’s type of brunch is opulent - it had to include sparkly champagne along with appetisers, why not? They can afford this luxury.

A few hours pass by, Liam and Leo return unexpectedly early. Their faces are like thunder. Noticing Leo’s swollen hand, I dread to think what has happened at training. Leo explained what my brother in law had done. My heart sunk for Drake and Riley- I’m not sure if I’m disappointed in Leo for interfering or whether I’m proud that he can defend my sister.

Later that night, Leo is asleep. The house is quiet. I am going to use this situation to pay someone a visit- I am ready to wreck vengeance.

*****

Drake-

That bastard really hit me good and hard. If he and Kiara were in a boxing match, I honestly wouldn’t be able to predict who would be the champion. Riley was fussing over me as we were leaving the stadium. I needed to contain a slight bit of masculinity, I now know that she loves me and this is the reasoning for her caring so much. She is an angel. I would take any bit of pain to ensure that she is safe. I insisted on her staying at mine or for me to stay at hers- but she said she would see me in the morning before the match. I am going to spoil her in the morning- it’s the least she deserves. I’m excited about giving her her birthday presents. I hope she likes them.

Laying in bed, I send Riley a goodnight text- when her name appears on my phone, my heart flutters. When I asked her if she would marry I didn’t expect a response- but her answer has been lingering in my mind ever since. Maybe in the future. Maybe if that arsehole divorces her- if he loved her as he says he does he would do the right thing. Thinking about Xavier and Riley riles me up, maybe i am feeling jealous- I don’t know? But just the sight of him and Constantine makes me feel sick. They are both as bad as each other.

Getting in my truck, I need to fix this mess. I need to prevent Riley from gaining more heartbreak.

*****

Olivia-

Myself and Lindsey had become close since I had offered for her and Leo to stay with us. We live in a mansion- there’s plenty of room for strays. I had my doubts about the homewrecker sisters to begin with- I slightly felt a touch of empathy towards Kiara and Maddy but the Brooks sisters are better suitors. And that is hard for me to admit. My husband and brother in law arrive home- early. Rolling my eyes back, I wondered what trouble they had caused. After their explanation- I am so proud of them for sticking up for our misfit group of friends. I’ve never liked my father in law, and I most certainly will never like my other brother in law. How Riley is still here I don’t know? I’m ready to murder the two men- how is she not?

Myself and Liam have passionate sex later that night, I watch him fall to sleep- knowing that I had fulfilled him. Sneaking out of the house, I knew I was the only person who had the balls to express my true feelings to the bastards that hurt my family. No one messes with a Nevrakis.

*****

Riley-

I can’t help but feel guilty for my previous past decisions. My boyfriend, and my brother in laws all had my back. Drake had been through enough trauma with Kiara, and was now dealing with my estranged husband. He wanted to spend the night with me, but I just wanted to relax before the match tomorrow and my birthday. I promised to see him in the morning- a smile came across his face which made my heart flutter. Since we have become official, he always sends me a goodnight and a good morning text - the simple gestures such as these are all a girl needs to feel loved. My eyes feel heavy, but my brain won’t shut down. I need to speak to him in person, I need closure- so myself and Drake can live a happy life. I need revenge for all the hurt I have received. Getting in my car, I know where I’m going.

****

Liam-

I’m furious with my father, and with Xavier. Why would they want to hurt Riley even more than they already have? I’m glad Leo taught him a lesson, because I wasn’t ready to start beating him to a pulp. Olivia would potentially berate me for it. But if anything else occurs- I’ll be ready and waiting. Debating whether to class Constantine as my father anymore, I know that karma will haunt him eventually. To myself and Leo- he may as well be dead. He’s never really loved us- all he wanted was the fame due to our talent. I will never be a father like he is, and I most certainly would treat any family member like he has. He is despicable. He is evil. One day someone will murder him- and I won’t blame them.

*****

Madeleine -

I feel so lonely in this mansion on my own. I’ve signed the divorce papers at last- I am worth more than Leo anyway. I am going to steal everything that I am owed. He never truly loved me anyway- the feeling wasn’t mutual to begin with, but I’ve learnt to find something else to love. Someone else to love. He knows all about my flaws. He may not return my love, like Leo did. But I can easily get him into bed. I am his drug- do I feel sorry for Regina? No. I am Madeleine, I get what I want. Due to the humiliation from Leo, I am going to be stronger than ever and not accept anymore shit. If the person I love betrays me in any way- he will be going to hell.

****

Kiara-

Living with my parents is a nightmare. Self infliction some people may say. I love Drake. I regret hurting him. My fingers always seem to type Riley Lopez into google. It irritates me but I can’t help it. I see a picture of her and Drake all loved up at the forgotten falls. I’ve lost him. But I intend on getting him back - il est à moi. Some people may think I’m psycho, yes maybe I am. But there’s always been that one person who has supported me, in an odd sort of way. We have a past. A secret. That only the two of us and Drake knows about. I need to see that someone as soon as possible. I need to get my life back. Au Reviour, Riley.

*****

Leo-

They say you can choose your friends but not family. That is true. Thankfully I have Liam. The only family member I can rely on. When I first met Riley, I was attracted to her- thank goodness it didn’t go any further. She’s my sister in law, and I intend on killing my father and other brother for hurting her. I found out that Madeleine had signed our divorce papers- I’m thrilled. I can finally live a life not being the playboy- I’ve fallen hard for a girl. If I have to commit murder to protect her and her sister, I would do it in a heartbeat. Lindsey must be in the bathroom, I’m going to sneak out and have words with the people who betray any members of my family.

******

Xavier-

Those set of bastards. They should be supporting their brother and manager. I knew it would be hard to settle anywhere new, especially after my past. But I have changed. I’m going to prove everyone wrong and make amends. Walker is nothing special, Riley will still soon get bored. She thought she could run away- but now I’m back, I will prove I’m a changed man and make her fall back in love with me- ella es mía. Til death do us part. I’m going to resolve this issue, we both have a job to do. One way or another- I need to remove the burden and I know who I need to talk to about this. Heading out of my apartment, I hope that person is in.

*****

Bastien-

Those girls have been part of my family since they were born. When I had found out what had gone off at training, I knew I needed to support the two of them. The team has always had issues with affairs, drugs, any scandal you could imagine. I hope the press don’t blame Riley and Lindsey. Those two girls have a heart of gold and don’t deserve to be treated this way. They deserve every bit of happiness and I hope that Drake and Leo provide that. The tip of the ice burg for all this mess, is probably sat smirking - not giving a care about the issues surrounding him. Arsehole. He’s going to be taught a lesson tonight.

*****

Breaking News-

Constantine Rhys - The chairman of the apples has been found unconscious. Sources have suggested that his drink has been spiked, causing the black out. It is unknown if the match will go ahead tomorrow. We will let you know as soon as possible!

******

Riley drove straight over to Liam’s house, concerned about what she had seen on Twitter. Wondering if the others had heard, as Liam organised for everyone to meet there. It was 1am, usually on her birthday- she would be in bed at this time.

Walking through the doors, she received a cold reception from everyone.

“What’s up?” She asked, feeling paranoid.

“Have you been to the stadium tonight?” Bertrand had information about who had been to the stadium that day. Now Riley was here he needed to ask her. He had asked everyone else. Everyone else had been there between the hours of 9pm and 12am.

“Yes. I needed to have words with Constantine. But I didn’t make him collapse. I had left and he was fine, Bertrand. Where’s Drake?” They all looked concerned, wondering if he was the reasoning behind Constantine’s collapse due to his absence.

*****

Drake was about to leave to head up to Liam’s after the ‘emergency meeting’ text. Closing the door, Kiara was stood in front of him. The crocodile tears began to stream. Brushing past her, he didn’t want anything to do with her. She had come to his home- breaking her injunction rules. He knew if she didn’t leave he would have no option but to inform the police.

“Drake please, I need you back. I’ll marry you. We can have children. The family you always wanted.”

“NO!”

“What does she have that I don’t? You’ve known her all of two minutes. I can be like her.”

“You will never be like her. I love her, Ki. I loved you but you hurt me beyond words. Now please leave or I’m calling the police.”

“Can you see a future with her?”

“Yes. Now if you are done I need to be somewhere.”

“You know what Constantine did to me as a child. It’s messed with my head. I will be a better partner to you.” Before Drake could react, Kiara flung herself at him. Wrapping her arms around his neck- she dug her nails in- leave a little mark, Riley will leave you now.

“Get off me now! We are over!” Pushing her away, he witnessed sorrow in her eyes. Shaking his head, he got in his truck. I love Riley.

*****

No one could get in touch with Drake, they started to panic. The atmosphere in Liam’s living room was like a murder mystery ‘who done it’. All being questioned by Bertrand who was berating them all.

New sources from cctv, have shown that a few members from the Cordonian Apples team visited the stadium between the hours of nine pm and midnight. They were; Liam Rhys, Leo Rhys, Olivia Nevrakis-Rhys, Lindsey Brooks, Riley Brooks, Xavier Lopez, Drake Walker. There were also three other people, who cleverly disguised their identities. It is unknown if any of these people were involved in the chairman’s collapse.

“I know it’s not Maxwell, Hana, Zeke or Penelope. They all have alibis. Whoever it was I need to know. I don’t blame whoever did it. I can help whoever did it.” They all sat stunned in silence. Until they heard the door swing open, nearly taken off its hinges.

“Walker! Nice of you to turn up fashionably late!” Riley turned to Drake, smiling.

“Happy Birthday baby. I love you.” Placing a kiss on her cheek, she was happy to see him. All of them felt like they were in detention and Bertrand was the demon headmaster.

“Thank you. What happened to your neck?” Everyone turned to Drake, noticing dried blood on his neck, all assuming it was he who was involved with Constantine.

“Kiara. She came to mine.” Riley’s heart sunk, she felt sick- hoping there was a decent explanation and that she wasn’t about to become heartbroken.

“Wait? Kiara did that? Haven’t you got an injunction against her? Have you called the police?” Leo demanded an answer, still contemplating if he was telling the truth.

“No I didn’t call the police. I think they are a bit busy tonight- and besides I told her to leave, because you needed us all here.”

“You should have still called them you moron! Are you that stupid? What did she want?” Olivia now interrupted.

“She wanted me back, she said she would marry me, have my children.” Holding Riley’s hand, he witnessed her begin to shake. “But I don’t want that- I don’t want her, I told her that. I’m yours Riley.” Brushing her hands away, she needed some space. Wiping the tears away, as she walked into the bathroom. She knew he was being sincere. But it still hurt.

“Hey. Are you okay?”

“Yes. Sorry. I’m coming back.”

“He means what he says you know. He loves you. He would do anything for you. Bast has just arrived, he wants to talk to you.”

“Thanks Leo.”

*****

Riley composed herself as she walked downstairs with Leo, overhearing Bertrand and Olivia argue- this wasn’t the start of a birthday she had been hoping for. Bastien ran up to her, pulling her in for a hug.

“Happy birthday baby girl.”

“Thanks Uncle Bast.”

Bastien cleared his throat, demanding that Bertrand and Olivia put the daggers away.

“As you all know, it is technically my nieces birthday. Riley you have turned into a beautiful young lady, you have a heart of gold. I know life hasn’t been easy for you- but you are so strong. Your parents would be so proud of you. As we all are. I’ve supported you and Lindsey all of your life’s, and I will continue to protect you. I was the last person to see Constantine. I watched as you all visited him, I don’t think that he knew how much he was truly hated. But Xavier will be gone. Here. I managed to get Constantine to terminate his contract. I told your parents I would look after you. That bastard isn’t going to ruin your life anymore. Next step, is to get your divorce papers signed.”

Riley held the paper, shaking- remaining silent. Lindsey came over to her providing her with a smile. Explaining that Bastien had done it for her, she had forced him to help her with her plan and to not worry about the consequences.

Bertrand cleared his throat.

“Thank you for informing us Bastien. We all stick together as a team. If you need to, use each other as alibis. Liam, Liv we will all leave you in peace. See you all at the match!” Everyone said there goodbyes, all agreeing to stick by each other. Riley felt a bit of relief, but still needed Xaviers signature. Thoughts were roaming through her mind on how to convince him that the divorce was needed, were interrupted.

“Leave your car here. I’ll drive you home.”

“Drake, I’m fine. I’m capable of driving.”

“I know you are. I want to come back with you please.”

Riley nodded, Liam said he would get Olivia to drive her car to the stadium for the match.

Arriving at Riley’s apartment, she opened the door. Drake lingered in the living area as she got her nightwear back on. Walking over to him, her eyes gazed on his neck. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her, but she still had concerns regarding Kiara’s motives. No one had heard from either her or Madeleine in days.

“Drake? Do we need to be worried about Kiara?”

“No. I dealt with her. She tried to kiss me but I pushed her away. I’m telling the truth. You’re my girl now.”

Drake pulled her towards him into a tight hug that provided warmth and love. Forcing his lips onto hers, the drama that had occurred was a distant memory that would fade away every time she was around him - nothing in this world, felt as good as the sensation of his touch.

The kiss became more passionate before Drake began to remove her clothes, seductively. Once he had finished, his hand rested below her ear, his thumb caressed her cheek as their breaths increased in sync. She ran her fingers down his back, pulling him closer until there was no distance left between them. Feeling the rapid beating of his heart against her chest, she led him to her bed - teasingly stripping him out of his clothes. Pulling him down on to her as she laid on the bed, her hands explored his bare chest- whilst his hand gently glided through her curls. Slowly moving his hand down her curvy body, his fingertips met and circled her already soaking clit. Smiling at her as she let out a a shaky breath, he kissed her passionately as his fingers began moving rhythmically inside her.

“Drake... Oh...”

“Are you enjoying it?” He smirked, already assuming that he knew the answer.

“Yes....” she whimpered, whilst gripping his back- digging her nails in deeper at every movement he made.

“Do you want your first birthday present?” Drake asked in a seductive manner.

“I’ve already got my birthday present. That is you.” Drake noticed the sparkle in her eyes, staring at her his heart filled with joy at her appreciating him for who he was.

“I love you Riley. I’m going to be the man you deserve. You’re my number one priority- and today is all about you.” Before she could respond, he lowered himself on to her- feeling the skin to skin warmth. Slowly he entered her allowing her to adjust every inch of him- both moaning each other’s names. After the first few thrusts of a slow yet loving pace - he drove himself harder into her. She couldn’t contain the moans that escaped her lips, every deep move he made - she would climax again immediately, which made Drake even closer. He was almost there, but didn’t want it to end- he couldn’t help it. Slowing his movements down, she could feel his hot sperm spill into her. Shit we were supposed to be careful.

Drake removed himself off her, laying next to her cuddling her, and kissing her shoulders delicately. Their chests both rising and falling in sync, their breaths in unison, and the warmth coming from each other’s body provided comfort.

“My beautiful girl. I love you.”

“I love you too. But I really need sleep- unlike some I have to keep an eye on the ball in a few hours- no pun intended.”

“Well maybe if you weren’t so damn gorgeous- I could have concentrated and avoided getting distracted and injured.”

“Shut up! Night.” Riley snuggled into his embrace and fell asleep immediately, Drake shortly followed.

*******

Waiting impatiently at the secret location which Constantine had advised him about, he couldn’t help but wonder if she would go through with it. Constantine had warned him that she would do anything for him. After seeing the breaking news regarding the man, Xaviers mind pondered if she was linked to it as she was late. A cab pulled up and he was relieved. Hoping she would bring some positive news.

“Did you do it? Did you see him?” Xavier whispered to her.

“Of course I did. I want him back as much as you want Riley back. Make sure no one has seen us.” Kiara snatched the envelope off him, scrutinising the area before she made a step forward to leave him.

“Don’t go spending that money stupid! If I don’t get my wife back I’ll be expecting it back.”

[baytownproject]

(Kurt Grevenberg is a native New Yorker who permanently settled in Baytown in 2015. In this essay, he reflects on the coronavirus pandemic’s impact on his former home, friends and family.)

It was late September 2001 in New York City. For the first time in over two weeks, I made my way from Queens, where I lived, to Manhattan, where I worked. Manhattan, where we were attacked. A sadistic part of me felt a need to see the destruction. And while I knew I would never get anywhere near Lower Manhattan, where the towers crumbled to the ground, I still aimlessly wandered the city streets. The acrid smell of 9/11 lingered in the air, and the people who were normally so vibrant and full of life were now morose and broken. Some were still crying.

I found myself in the far east side of Midtown Manhattan, an area that was home to a group of hospitals, including NYU Medical Center, where my mother had once worked. I noticed people gathered at the side of a building, staring at its wall. I walked over to stare with them. I immediately regretted it. The wall was covered with photos of people who were either killed or still missing in the terrorist attacks. Hundreds of them. The crowd gasped and wept at the sheer enormity of it all, and it all became so much more real to me.

I felt sick to my stomach. A policewoman who was standing next to me asked, “Are you OK?” I'm not sure how long it took me to answer, but I eventually said, “No. I don't think I am.” “Yeah,” she said. “Me, either.” I asked if she had lost anyone in that mess. She didn't answer. I let her know that while I was never particularly fond of cops — I got the desired reaction when she chuckled — I was so grateful for her and people like her. And I thanked her for being there. She took my hand and said, “We’ll get through it.” Just that simple act of kindness and strength revitalized me. It reassured me that we would indeed come together and get through it. And we did. We were New Yorkers, after all. This wasn't our first catastrophe. And it wouldn't be our last.

Once again my beloved home finds itself in the crosshairs of a crisis. Half of me feels guilty for not being there to endure it with my people, and the other half is grateful I'm at a safer distance in my new home in Baytown, Texas. A virus that thrives on infecting people through contact couldn't have found a better target than NYC, where people spend most of the day literally on top of each other. On the news I see empty streets that normally have thousands of people rubbing shoulders, and it's haunting and unnatural. I'm terrified for my friends and family who are forced to confront it. Lockdown for me is in a spacious house with a large yard and lots of new-found time to spend in my garden. Lockdown in New York means spending all your time locked in a tiny apartment. I don't know how they keep their sanity.

I spend much of my day worrying and checking in with anyone who comes to mind, thinking it's only a matter of time before it hits close to home. It's sobering when it does. It came in a Facebook video. She wore a brave face as she informed her friends that she had tested positive for COVID-19, and I felt like I was stabbed in the gut. But in typical New York fashion, she was strong and defiant. As the days went by she updated us regularly, and I came to believe she would beat it. She likes to go dancing, and can't do so under lockdown. I knew she had it under control when she posted a video of her dancing around her kitchen in a gas mask. New Yorkers have an odd sense of humor.

Unfortunately, after that moment of levity, came tragedy from another source. I heard rumors of another friend who was on a ventilator in Mount Sinai Hospital. Several mutual friends scrambled to find details, and we sadly confirmed it was true. The very next morning, the virus had taken his life. I had learned that he was estranged from his family, and realized he most likely died afraid and alone. I thought of the countless retrofitted refrigerated trucks outside NYC hospitals for unclaimed bodies. I think of my friend in one of them, and I curse the unfairness of it all. I wonder how much more cursing I'll be doing before all is said and done.

I worry. I worry if I'll have to say goodbye to more loved ones. I worry what will happen if the coronavirus comes to Houston with the same vengeance it brought to New York. I worry what condition we will be in when we finally get through it. Then I feel a surge of pride with my hometown and how it's managing this crisis — with dignity and determination. New York is arrogant and harsh. But it is also compassionate and generous, and it confronts every hardship with courage. If it has to bear the initial brunt of this pandemic, so be it.

Then I think of my new home here in Texas. I went through Hurricane Harvey, and I remember that there is no shortage of strength here. It finally occurs to me that this strength doesn't come from being a New Yorker or a Texan. It comes from being an American. And in a time when one might argue that we have never been more divided, I find it ironic that we are attacked by a mysterious enemy that challenges us to work together for our very survival. I suddenly feel less fear, because I know that in this country, we will always do what we have to do to survive. After all, we’re Americans.

Please be safe.

— Kurt Grevenberg

[monolid-monologues]

Wtf is going on - Part I.

#12.

READY OR NOT..............

The next three weeks feel impossible. 

My KNEES are KNOCKING.

TOO MUCH IS HAPPENING

Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m losing my mind lol. I’m going to take myself through this week by week. Breaking up my next 3 blog posts into a Three part series, and i’m going to slowly tread wtf is going on.

1.) MY JOB, MY LIFE

Karina and i drove LA >> Oakland >> LA in one day to audition for 5 minutes. LoL. We’re crazy and we know that. The troubling fact is this job means quitting my current one and moving to Oakland.

In February at the festival in Oregon, we were invited to audition for Kaiser Permanente’s Educational Theatre. They employ actors to perform shows for kids.

It pays more than my current job. It is less stable than my current job.

I’m TERRIFIED of having *that* conversation with my dad, and my office.

Desperate to avoid a serving job (having worked them since i was 16), i approached my dad for a job at his company. He knows about me and theater. He knew to be cautious. He asked me commit 2 years. I promised my dad 2 years; it’s only been 6 months. There’s a voice in my head chiding me for even considering this new opportunity.

And part of me is very very resistant to the reality of this new opportunity. Moving to Oakland means moving away from Robin, from Heather, from my studio, from all the work i’ve been doing in L.A to lay down some roots. Working full time at a corporate theater. Suffering bay area rent. Potentially losing my dad’s support (he is helping me with car and insurance payments). And pouring so much time into someone else’s theater. And potentially neglecting my own dreams -- risk of being too burnt, busy and broke to manifest my own theater projects. Not to mention all my fears around the importance of artistic freedom to me and needing to comply with a higher authority for paycheck’s sake (literal nightmare). And i just, might, very well, possibly, end up hating the job. 

I fear breaking my promise. Going back on my word. Owning up to the fact that i am not the loyal bitch we hoped i was. I fear these feelings of betrayal. I fear upsetting my dad and losing his support. I fear the disrespect i am slamming on my director & cecillia’s time and energy and trust in me. I fear that there is no “good” decision, but i can see Regret sitting atop my worst case scenario and i’m afraid that it doesn’t even really matter how things go, whether i stay or go, it’s all a sticky situation. 

If i get the job, but don’t go, i am still at the office. Sitting. So much sitting............clutching my small studio time like the life jacket it is...

If i get the job and want go, well, fuck, that’s a lot of, fuck. Can i put my independent theater dreams on hold? Is this experience worth pursuing? Is it worth upsetting my entire life here? Wow. Since when did i get so attached to my life here? I’ve worked so hard since i’ve been here, to seek, and seek, and plan, and build. I’ve been planning for my life here in L.A. I NeVER imagined relocating this soon. Turning my life upside down when i’ve literally JUST managed to get it looking right-side-up. f$&%@#$!

OKAY Normally, i’d wait to see if i got called back to start worrying. But this opportunity requiring 600 mile drives, requiring me and karina to rearrange chunks of our lives, to even be considered for the job, makes every step in the audition process so costly o_o.  We’re asking ourselves “if we do get called back, how are we even going to get there?”  We’re investing and sacrificing for a huge Maybe. Even pursuing the possibility is TOO MUCH!!!! yet here we are. Why? Why am i this crazy about a maybe?

L.A.’S BEEN GROWING ON ME. AND I MIGHT NOT GET THE JOB. LET’S KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID -- 

Tomorrow, we will find out if we’re called back. If we’re called back, the one thing i need to do (the scariest fkn thing ok) is ask for another day off (to secretly attend). If god blesses me with a Yes and my director is NOT fed up with my bullshit, the next thing is figuring out how tf to get there.  And that’s it. That’s it. That’s it. For now.

* * *

An interlude.)

What changes when i decide i’m tired of doubting myself? Staying off social media is a great relief. I stepped back because i was starting to carry some duty to entertain or cater to the tastes of the people who engage with what i post. The anxiety that begins to stir between myself and thoughts of people far away -- with heavy social media comes this baggage we pick up and hold nearly voluntarily. 

Just as we are curious how someone else’s life is going, we imagine other people are curious about ours. 

We second-guess what we want to post.  When it’s about what we want to share in the first place. How anybody receives it is their business. Leave them tf ALONE, LOL. Leave YOURSELF alone!

If it’s your career, you chase one of few formulas. If it’s your hobby, you draw from these formulas and mix in your personal flavor of “idgaf”. And if it’s mostly irrelevant to what you do/what you want, you’re not even bothered. *shrug* 

Every fuckin body will tell you, people who don’t frequent social media are happier. 

Do you think so? Do we think so?  I’m skeptical.  It’s easy to believe, given how much (admit it) time and attention social media sucks. But actually? Let’s be clear: who can know? Lol. The very point around people who don’t use social media is they are beyond the reach of our prying eyes. They are safe, much less susceptible to the wandering imagination of a distant relationship. They are out of bounds. 

Sometimes i wish i was that kind of person. Whoever that means.

I’m not. 

There’s something about getting to show something to hundreds of people. There’s something about connections waiting to be made. Paths that could cross. Click-holes where we lean outside of our usual environments. We are open to exposure and being exposed. We are creative with our public image. We narrate our own lives. We seek others’. ThaT PART. That part. “I will engage!!!!!!!!!!” 

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with social media?

What does that look like?

There’s so much in our culture that discourages social media use - from mental health to physical health - we are told every day what the pitfalls are. We know it ourselves in living our lives. The common denominator to these warnings is usually over-consumption. Too much. Much too much.

If we are using social media, we are at risk. We know the risks. We live with the risks. ALAS -  we believe we can manage the time/space distortion that the social media universe rips into our lives. 

With social media comes this massive gravitational pull sucking us into a manufactured world. This tech, as far as i’m concerned, insanely complicates our lives - adding data to bodies, instant X long distance everything, and a level of productivity concerning online metrics that is often inversely proportional to our productivity offline. 

The most estranged relationships continue to fizzle quietly with mutual following. Our brains buzz “To post or not to post”. And our eyes are getting tired, our thumbs sore; our time and attention sinks and slips away from us. Like retribution for the discontent, disinterest, and laziness we risk habituating with social media.

We give access and have access and the ride is crippling or energizing depending on whatever people or time in your life. 

Do the rewards outweigh the risks?

* * *

II. SHOWTIME

IT’S GO TIME.

While i’m floundering in the dark about my job, my life, March is ending soon and come April comes the premiere and one-month-run of my new production, 1-800-PERFECTION. 

This is my first show in socal. My first show outside of Davis. My first full solo work. My first script-based PLAY in YEARS.

March Timeline:

meeting with studio manager to settle performance dates (today)

last full rehearsal (3/24 SAT)

tech rehearsal with Heather (3/30 SAT)

preview performance w/ talk back (3/31 SUN) YOU’RE INVITED. rose.artrat@gmail.com | please come! TIME: 1-3pm LOCATION: 1183 Kraemer Blvd, Anaheim, CA

April Timeline:

Dress Rehearsal  (week 1, TBD)

1st Show (week 2, TBD)

2nd show (week 3, TBD)

3rd Show (week 4, TBD) Tickets: $12 venmo  (seat reserved) or $10 cash at door (exact change!!!)

My radical marketing plan is to do it in person.  I wanna shit my pants thinking about it, but i’m determined to go out there into public places and invite people to my show face 2 face. I will certainly let you know how it goes. The experience may turn up a giant dumpster fire. :-)

Common questions when opening a new work include: what if ppl hate it? what if i hate it? what if no one comes? what if this is the end of my reputation as an artist as we know it? as i know it? what if i’m not ready? 

What if i didn’t rehearse enough? THIS ONE’S BEEN HAUNTING ME.

My best friend asks me how long i’ve been working on this play. I tell her i can afford 20 hours of studio time a month. It’s been almost 4 months now. And then she’s like, isn’t 20 hours...less than a day?  *brain explodes* Have i only worked on my show for LESS THAN 4 DAYS? IS IT LIKE THAT? 

It has been living, growing, changing with me day to day. But of course, 20 hours is really it of dedicated work time/space. 5 hours a week. 

I am used to working 30 hours per weeeeeek on a show.  that’s what i’m used to.

....................................................

I remember when i first found this studio offering exactly what i was looking for and could afford, i was ELATED to get 20 hours a month. Considering the ZERO work i was doing my first 2 months back in LA -- Getting 1 step closer to where i would be today - on the cusp of running a whole original ass show - was mooooreee than enough. 

But this is honestly one worry out of SO MANY, literally so many, that it’s all looking - sounding - and feeling increasingly ridiculous. because there’s just so much. *laugh cry emoji* * * * I’m never going to forget what i signed up for. Everything on my plate, i set up for myself.

Was i ready for all of this? No. Did i dream this up and seek its fruition? Hell yes. Even i know that only time will tell me What was What.  So, i will take it one fkn day at a time.

Maybe this is a lesson to follow your dreams no matter what, precisely BECAUSE you’ll never be ready for it. I can’t imagine being ready for what i’m going through these days. There’s no fucking way i could’ve known how stickyyyy things could get when i made my first studio payment in December, or asked my dad for a job in October.

But go through with it, we will, because we’ve reached the point where we must. I’m. Not. Looking. Back.

BUT I AM REALLY TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MY HEALTH WHILE I’M WHIZZING ACROSS THE STATE AND PREPARING ALL THE SHOW THINGS. WISH ME SOME HONEST LUCK ON THAT.

So, I don’t have a dramatic poignant closer for you on this one. Let’s, uh, give that to Part 3, when we wrap this whole mess up. (ie. is Oakland rlly happening? how was canvassing the brea mall to advertise my show LMAO? did i lose my damn mind, or nah?)

Hi.  I just want to say, thank you for reading. Really. thank you.

I think my writing is suffering from the craziness atm.

* * *

i’ve committed to being vulnerable in writing every week.

previous letter: #11. detox,

drop me a line

http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/ask

[jentrevellan]

Tagged by the ever-so-lovely @sephiratales ! (go follow her blog if you don’t already ^^) 

Answers under the cut...

1. How tall are you? 5′4.5″

2. What colour and style is your hair? Growing out my blonde roots. I’m in denial that I'm no longer a natural blonde.

3. What colour are your eyes? Green!

4. Do you wear glasses? Yes, love my big hipster frames.

5. Do you wear braces? When I was a spotty teenager, oh yes.

6. What is your fashion sense? Whatever the hell is comfortable. 

7. Do you have any siblings? Nope. Well actually I now have 2 stepbrothers, one of which I don’t even know his name - he’s estranged from my stepfather.

8. What kinda student were/are you? Teacher’s pet. Liked to think I was the Hermione Granger of my school, but I wasn’t nearly smart enough!

9. What is your favourite subject? At school? It was always art.

10. Favourite TV shows? Game of Thrones, Frasier, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Orange is the New Black, classic Simpsons, Wolf Hall, The Tudors, Heroes, Band of Brothers, Lost & the British version of The Office. 

11. Favourite books? Where to begin... Memoirs of a Geisha, Game of Thrones, The Other Boleyn Girl, everything by Robin Hobb, Tales of the Otori, Birdsong, Lord of the Rings, Shogun, The Handmaid’s Tale, Jane Eyre, Tess of the D’Ubervilles, Battle Royale and SO MANY MORE.

12. Favourite pastime? Reading. Clearly. And gaming, of course!

13. Any regrets? Yes, but I’m over it now. ^^

14. What is your dream job? Full-time writer.

15. Do you want to get married? Already am... 

16. Do you want kids? How many? Yes but not just yet! And one would be enough!

17. How many countries have you visited? Ooh, good question. Let’ s see: France, Germany, Italy, Spain, UAE, Barbados and visited about 5 or 6 States in the US.

18. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? Where all my friends and family were surrounding me but had their backs turned and couldn’t hear me / ignored me. Think that’s my fear!

19. Do you have any enemies? Haha, yeah at least 2, but the feeling is mutual. 

20. Do you have a datemate? A what now. 

So I’m going to tag @alicia178 (of course), @meredith-stannards @daisytje @thornflo @pluttskutt and anyone else who would like to take part! ^^ 

[consequentson]

Also... 

I don’t tolerate senseless/irrational hate for Caleb Calhoun on my dashboard.

If you guys are gonna hate Caleb with every fibre of your being, you best be hating Norman Bates, Sam Bates, John Massett, James Finnegan, hell, even Dylan, too. 

Here’s the deal -- season four made it undeniable that Norma and Caleb were in love. Mutually. They. Were. In Love.  Most of the Bates fandom likes to utterly ignore this fact because Caleb raped her. They see it as:

Caleb and Norma were in an abusive household together.

Caleb raped her.

This is true. I understand that when you get down to it, that is what happened, and I’m making no excuses for Caleb. But the more complete version? 

Caleb and Norma were in an abusive household together.

They were all they had and relied on each other for everything.

They fell in love, more than just loving each other as siblings. They had sex, several times. Norma said it herself that it was a way of life for them.

One day Norma came home and had learned that brother and sister having sex was wrong, and put a stop  to it. 

Caleb and Norma were both heartbroken and still living in an abusive household, but now they had lost each others’ comfort.

Caleb lost it and raped her, unknowingly impregnated her.

Norma used this baby to escape her house, raised this child neglectfully and never told Caleb.

Caleb eventually escaped his house too.

Both lived with their demons, Caleb regretting what he did and eventually apologizing sincerely for it.

Rape is an act of evil. In almost all cases it is done by evil men. But if you wanna defend Norma and say she had zero part in any abusive plotline on the show, what the actual fuck are you doing hating Caleb the way you do? They are both results of their trauma, and Norma neglected one child so badly that he’s emotionally damaged to the point of attempted suicide, and the other, she leaned on as a crutch so badly that she wouldn’t let him go even when she began to suspect him of murder, and he wanted to kill himself for that, too. Norma wasn’t the only one damaged by her childhood. Everybody on this show is damaged, and that doesn’t exclude Caleb. (Did Norma rape anybody? No. She was doing her best. She was, however, ultimately so neglectful that Norman ended up the way he did and Dylan became estranged from his family on more than one occasion.)

I’m not victim blaming here. Not by a long shot. I’m just saying that you want to hate Caleb for raping Norma, you have every right to do that, but literally the only bad things that Caleb has done in the present storyline is beat Chick for the money that he and Dylan were owed (when Chick was about to shoot him, mind you,) and then leave town with the intentions of protecting Dylan. Otherwise, he’s tried to be respectful of Norma’s boundaries and been absolutely nothing but be a very loving father and kind friend to Emma. Out of all the characters on the show, his mere being there is undoubtedly one of the most problematic, as also pointed out very directly on the show, but that doesn’t mean that he has not changed or isn’t just as damaged as Norma.

I’m just frustrated that the fandom wants to completely dismiss the actual canonical story of Norma Louise and her brother Caleb. There is context, and it matters, because one thing we’re supposed to take away from this beautifully intricate show is something Dylan pointed out in the very first season:

“People are complicated.”

Hate Caleb if you want. But if you’re gonna hate him as much as you do, why the fuck are you watching this show so full of morally compromised characters? There isn’t anybody for you to not hate here. Don’t piss on Caleb if you’re not gonna piss on anybody else.

[olaluwe]

illustrative photo.

Life happens in phases with its usual high and low points. And there are so many of them. To mention a few of the high points, there is our birth, graduating from the university, marriage which involves sharing our lives with someone else in health and in sickness; for richer or for poorer. And there is also the birth of that beloved child(ren) and those loving and supportive friends and family and parents who brought us up. As for the lows, friends have become enemies. Loyalists some times do betray. Couples who got married hopefully to stay happily married for ever have become strange bedfellows and ultimately getting divorced rarely by mutual consent in split seconds. And people both male and female do all sort of things to mark any one of these significant phases of their lives. In addition to keeping the oral accounts of these experiences, many do keep pictures albums, Videos and CD's records of these experiences. The fad now is definitely Tattoo. And it is very common among ladies by the way of rather thoughtlessly racy efforts they make towards Tattooing one experience or the other on different part of their bodies in the hope that it would make the said experience permanent. Tattoo for any one who cares to listen has nothing to do with the modern age alone. The art dates back to the ancient time in many cultures of the world. But then, it was something of a cultural oriented practice and nothing more. While I was growing up, all I could remember seeing on the bodies of local Yoruba and Ohori women then especially on their forearms and their faces are Tattoos of their names and their children's names and sometimes pictures of animals or something that is just artistic depicting flowers and other natural realities. Even from what I see around these days nothing much seems to have changed because I still see Tattoo of things like scorpion, skull, snake, love symbol with an arrow piercing through adorning the bodies of our women and men alike. So it is not a practice left to a particular gender. All these are symbols communicating and representing if you like experiences and aspirations that touch deep in our souls. Not once however did I noticed the Tattoo of husbands on the bodies of these traditional women I mentioned earlier unlike what is obtained these days and times. Though this is a decision left for the people concern to make; but going by what is trending now there is a growing twist to something that's has always had fashion and cultural bends to it We now have ladies who go on to Tattoo the pictures of their men on their bodies purportedly to symbolizes their unadulterated love for them in a world full of so much emotional uncertainty and romantic sneaky-sneasy. And many unexpectedly are regretting their actions when love goes sour and the marriage they hold in high esteem goes crashing. Some of these women have asked that the Tattoo of their once beloved men be removed with its attending pain and cost. Recently an American lady was reported to have chopped off a chunk of flesh which had served as a Canvass where the Tattoo of her estranged husband was placed. Definitely such an action can only spring from a fit of rage from the sense of disappointment she felt after going through the divorce process. But why go to that extreme to make inscriptions of people who will always be people all in the attempt to prove to them that they are special to you. And forgetting that the one constant thing about people is 'CHANGE'. Enemies like I said earlier have always been known to turn to friends while friends are known to have become enemies. For some too, there are no permanent friends or enemies but permanent interests. So how can you tell what would become of people you currently trust, respect and feel so excited about the next second?  We have seen all too often how love has sometimes gone sour even among people we thought to be our ideas of a dignify young couple,  perfect perceptible to eyes index by all the sweet loving standards in the world. In view of associated pain with Tattooing images of persons so far, I think women should begin to have a serious rethink about the practice. I also think a halt should be put to this nonsense because in my opinion no human being- father, mother, children, husbands, wives-  is deserving of being Tattooed on your body, woman. And the reason is clear enough for the discerning minds. Times are constantly changing and everything that comes with it too. What works today may not work tomorrow and same thing applies to love and marital endeavours anchored mostly on worldly values and temporary pleasure of today. Woman, nobody with whom you are having emotional relationship is worth Tattooing on your body - a temple of God. Sinful? Maybe not necessarily; but because these persons are so vulnerable to drastic changes induced by all manner of factors. Honestly, it's part of being human and unpredictable and should be perfectly expected. But for a woman to begin to expose herself to all this unnecessary pains and anguish and all manners of social ridicules all in the name of love is totally unacceptable. And I only hope you guys are able to summon the needed courage to stop this nonsensical obsession that has repeatedly proven to be injurious to your self esteem as women. Nothing, I repeat that's human and susceptible to hormonal imbalances is worth such symbolic gesture of being Tattooed on your gloriously beautiful skin only to desperately want to peel it off by any means available when they let you down. I strongly believe it is the greatest disservice any woman can do to herself in this modern era in spite of the upsurge in women right activism and the like. All said and done I would very much love to see women stop displeasing themselves to please other, men in particular.

[olaluwe]

illustrative photo.

Life happens in phases with its usual high and low points. And there are so many of them. To mention a few of the high points, there is our birth, graduating from the university, marriage which involves sharing our lives with someone else in health and in sickness; for richer or for poorer. And there is also the birth of that beloved child(ren) and those loving and supportive friends and family and parents who brought us up. As for the lows, friends have become enemies. Loyalists some times do betray. Couples who got married hopefully to stay happily married for ever have become strange bedfellows and ultimately getting divorced rarely by mutual consent in split seconds. And people both male and female do all sort of things to mark any one of these significant phases of their lives. In addition to keeping the oral accounts of these experiences, many do keep pictures albums, Videos and CD's records of these experiences. The fad now is definitely Tattoo. And it is very common among ladies by the way of rather thoughtlessly racy efforts they make towards Tattooing one experience or the other on different part of their bodies in the hope that it would make the said experience permanent. Tattoo for any one who cares to listen has nothing to do with the modern age alone. The art dates back to the ancient time in many cultures of the world. But then, it was something of a cultural oriented practice and nothing more. While I was growing up, all I could remember seeing on the bodies of local Yoruba and Ohori women then especially on their forearms and their faces are Tattoos of their names and their children's names and sometimes pictures of animals or something that is just artistic depicting flowers and other natural realities. Even from what I see around these days nothing much seems to have changed because I still see Tattoo of things like scorpion, skull, snake, love symbol with an arrow piercing through adorning the bodies of our women and men alike. So it is not a practice left to a particular gender. All these are symbols communicating and representing if you like experiences and aspirations that touch deep in our souls. Not once however did I noticed the Tattoo of husbands on the bodies of these traditional women I mentioned earlier unlike what is obtained these days and times. Though this is a decision left for the people concern to make; but going by what is trending now there is a growing twist to something that's has always had fashion and cultural bends to it We now have ladies who go on to Tattoo the pictures of their men on their bodies purportedly to symbolizes their unadulterated love for them in a world full of so much emotional uncertainty and romantic sneaky-sneasy. And many unexpectedly are regretting their actions when love goes sour and the marriage they hold in high esteem goes crashing. Some of these women have asked that the Tattoo of their once beloved men be removed with its attending pain and cost. Recently an American lady was reported to have chopped off a chunk of flesh which had served as a Canvass where the Tattoo of her estranged husband was placed. Definitely such an action can only spring from a fit of rage from the sense of disappointment she felt after going through the divorce process. But why go to that extreme to make inscriptions of people who will always be people all in the attempt to prove to them that they are special to you. And forgetting that the one constant thing about people is 'CHANGE'. Enemies like I said earlier have always been known to turn to friends while friends are known to have become enemies. For some too, there are no permanent friends or enemies but permanent interests. So how can you tell what would become of people you currently trust, respect and feel so excited about the next second?  We have seen all too often how love has sometimes gone sour even among people we thought to be our ideas of a dignify young couple,  perfect perceptible to eyes index by all the sweet loving standards in the world. In view of associated pain with Tattooing images of persons so far, I think women should begin to have a serious rethink about the practice. I also think a halt should be put to this nonsense because in my opinion no human being- father, mother, children, husbands, wives-  is deserving of being Tattooed on your body, woman. And the reason is clear enough for the discerning minds. Times are constantly changing and everything that comes with it too. What works today may not work tomorrow and same thing applies to love and marital endeavours anchored mostly on worldly values and temporary pleasure of today. Woman, nobody with whom you are having emotional relationship is worth Tattooing on your body - a temple of God. Sinful? Maybe not necessarily; but because these persons are so vulnerable to drastic changes induced by all manner of factors. Honestly, it's part of being human and unpredictable and should be perfectly expected. But for a woman to begin to expose herself to all this unnecessary pains and anguish and all manners of social ridicules all in the name of love is totally unacceptable. And I only hope you guys are able to summon the needed courage to stop this nonsensical obsession that has repeatedly proven to be injurious to your self esteem as women. Nothing, I repeat that's human and susceptible to hormonal imbalances is worth such symbolic gesture of being Tattooed on your gloriously beautiful skin only to desperately want to peel it off by any means available when they let you down. I strongly believe it is the greatest disservice any woman can do to herself in this modern era in spite of the upsurge in women right activism and the like. All said and done I would very much love to see women stop displeasing themselves to please other, men in particular.