#so instead I lay in bed All Day
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ofc the two pieces of furniture that would make this whole ordeal considerably more bearable—a nightstand to put my tea on and a comfy desk chair so I could sit at my desk some of the time rather than curl up in bed 24/7—are the two pieces of furniture I do not have yet 😓
#I MIGHT FEEL OK ENOUGH TO SIT AT THE DESK WITH DECENT BACK SUPPORT#BUT ALAS#THE CHAIR I HAVE HAS NEGATIVE BACK SUPPORT#so instead I lay in bed All Day#and have to get up every time I want a sip of my tea#these are very much first world problems but#I just wanna write or start bg3 already#and those are both things I Would be able to do still!! and yet!!!!
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why yes, voices in my head, i Will take a nap at 3 pm
#snzzzzzz snz snzzzzzzzzz#if anyone tells you you cant take a nap at the worst time of day#they are lying. cut them out of your life. you dont need that energy#ruin your day <3 nap in the afternoon <3 doesnt matter if you already had a full 12 hours of sleep <3#getting cozy is an all day event#and babeyyyy im about to Snuggle In#without a blanket because its hot up here but yk#the one con of having a loft bed smh... heat rises....#absolutely unprompted#hopefully i wake up before 10 pm! We Will See!!!!#at least im actually getting into bed this time instead of just laying on the floor#it fucked up my neck and back a lil too much last time so Mattress It Is#snz snzz snzzzzzzz eepy time#highschool me: no sleep ever. running on fumes always all the time#me now - unemployed and unenrolled: Sleeping Always#had a wild dream last night actually#it included an alien invasion / a timeloop (not mine) / building fire / endless museum labyrinth / the doctor & tardis for some reason#good times! very fun!#i vaguely remember there being a Horror element! my life was in danger! festive!#but it wasnt a death dream so yk. bonus! well. it wasnt to me#guy who lived the timeloop said we all died at least once so ig it was.... anyway! snzzz!
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I know y’all follow me for South Park Insanity, but I have a personal PCE win to share
(Medical and ED stuff mentioned so below the cut)
I mentioned a while back that for the past few months I’ve been struggling with lack of appetite and inability to keep anything down, steadily devolving into malnutrition and being legitimately scared about it. And try as I had been, I have had no energy to make progress and have only gotten worse. Early in the morning after another sleepless night and after involuntarily throwing up the only food I’d been able to eat for a few days at 1 am, I finally dragged my broke uninsured ass to the emergency room as soon as it opened, shaking and dizzy and scared out of my mind.
Y’all. The doctors and the nurses were so helpful and patient even as I was actively panicking, listening to the root cause of it all, administering zofran and hooking me to what’s apparently called a “banana bag” with every vitamin imaginable bc IT TURNS OUT my ass is deficient in SO MUCH SHIT. I felt the best I have in months after discharge, all day. I even had the energy to spend the day on the couch with my partner instead of lying in bed PLUS THE ENERGY TO GO FOR A FUCKING WALK AFTER EATING A SOLID MEAL (and drinking a shit ton of orange juice ofc) while we waited for my scrip to be filled!!! I genuinely don’t remember the last time I was able to just leisurely enjoy the sun and grass.
And bonus: I got a prescription for an anti nausea medication and apparently a side effect is drowsiness (so I have a few days off work to adjust to that which I got mixed feelings about) so I might actually get some sleep coming up!
I’m a huge hypocrite I know, but listen to your body when you need outside help. It’s scary and hard but I feel worlds better already. 💚
#take care of yourself#not sp#personal#probable ed tw#medical shit#I ate TWO!!! ACTUAL FULL MEALS TODAY and they’re STAYING DOWN#though I’m so fucking worried about medical bills but hey that’s a problem for when I’m more solidly recovered#and my partner was so stoked that I actually hung out with him instead of laying in bed all day#I’ve put him through so much with my mental and physical health I’m so glad I can stop doing that#he went with me to Walgreens and when I finally got out of that long ass line he had procured a basket of my favorite drinks#and easy on the stomach stuff because he knows I’ll want to start slow#I want to cry bc I genuinely don’t remember feeling this okay since maybe last October#stay winning#all I need now if for my beloved Sickfic Queen to make her triumphant return#RANT gorlie healing arc
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i kinda really hate my life honestly
#like i hate my job but on my days off i do nothing because just existing is exhausting enough#i also keep saying to myself that i wanna go home even when i am home and thats just depressing#like i feel so overwhelmed and uncomfortable all the time even when im just laying in bed doing nothing#i want a reason to live and people irl who make me feel like my life actually matters#instead of this feeling of barely existing even in my own mind#i probably need therapy but i have no idea how to even do that
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my insatiable need to hold his face and kiss his cheeks and tell him he is more perfect than any of God’s creations and watch him reply “oh ok”
#he may not internalize any of it but all the more reason do tell him every day!!!!!!!!!!#Kaneki is just so wonderful it’s hard not to 😊😊#I’ve been laying in bed thinking about him for the past hour and a half instead of working#n every night I’ll make him a nice warm glass of honey milk to help him sleep#and if he wakes up screaming he can just have another one#and if he wants to read a little first that’s okay too we can reheat it#we’ll live somewhere where the walks are peaceful and there’s many birds for him to spot#he’ll watch cable and read laying on the living room couch#he’ll sit outside with hot coffee and a small tin with his medication in it#ohh I’m terrible for writing this#ok this was in my queue for two months I don’t feel bad anymore I’m letting this one out#kaneki time
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i want to headcanon the mtt having absolutely terrible hygiene and struggling to keep themselves clean (this MAY... just QUITE POSSIBLY.... only in the SLIGHTEST bit be projection) but i think it would be too gross and man EVEN I dont wanna think about that
also killer canonically smells good and i actually really LIKE that idea so oh shit there goes that idea out the window. horror and dust youre my only hope please let me make you smell bad for reasons you won't understand
#also i dont think i. just got a sense of dejavu wtf. anyways#i dont think im THAT bad at maintaining my hygiene..... like i dont bed rot for months which isn't good by any means#but if i havent reached that point of bad hygieneness then i dont think i should be talking about this topic#sure i may uhhh may struggle to brush my teeth and shower multiple times a week but like. ngl it's not that bad#i am NORMAL okay THIS IS NORMAL. people struggle with this stuff all the time everyday i dont need to be making a whole post on this topic#i wish that the capital i in this app looked different. because when i wanna emphasize I it just looks normal#i type like how i speak has it not become glaringly obvious yet. so it boggles and bothers me when i cant emphasize i like i can irl#the laundry piles in dusts room are probably unfathomably tall he just throws it all into one corner (HES JUST LIKE ME FR!!! I DO TJIS!!!!!)#all the water in horrortale has turned toxic and polluted and bad so horror's only option is to not shower or shower in dirty water#he chooses the former because what if that water has monster dust sprinkled in it. his paranoia wont let him shower in dust infused water#TRIGLYCERCULE GET YOUR FUCKING LIFE TOGETHER INSTEAD OF THINKING AND PROJECTING ONTO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. SCHOOL STARTS IN 3 DAYS.#I KNOW I KNOW IM SORRY.... IM SORRY OKAY I KNOW!!! I KNOW THIS IS BAD!!! I WILL TRY!!!!!!#anyways back to projecting. do you think dust has sheets on his little matress bed#because the sheets will enevitably get dusty and then he's gonna have to lay on the dust of those he killed and thats a bad thought#sheets can fix the problem temporarily because he can just change them out and wash them#but also.... changing sheet hard.... take long time..... dust just want sleep.... rot away..... so no sheet on matress??? idk#dust might be able to make fun of horror and killer for having food issues but#killer gets to make fun of dust and horror for having hygiene issues#he's had his lows but he's never gotten THAT low 🤣🤣🤣🫵🫵🫵 LOSERS!!!!!#what does horror get to make fun of them for??? idk murder#killer might be able to keep himself clean but he cannot keep anything else around him clean with thet goddamn eye goop so HAH take that#me on my way to overshare with strangers on the internet. this isnt that bad compared to other stuff ive seen online actually#triglycercule can you just shut the fuck up and get back to posting about the mtt nobody CARES#alright..... limps away like a kicked and beated puppy...... like killer after getting abused by nightmare for the 56th time..........#advanced humor only utmv fans will get it#tricule rant#i said i wasnt gonna make the post but i did infact make the post. just in tags#me when i LIE#just offically reached 50 drafts where my medal. i should clear them out? alright shoot that guy
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i am back from my vacation
first thing on my to-do list: nap
second thing: explore the minecraft update now that i have a mouse again and not just my glitchy trackpad
third thing: start on the next page for the lost because i thought the vacation would be nice for not thinking about it but instead i was thumbnailing the next page on paper on day 2 bc im so obsessed with these fuckin aliens it's not even funny
#when i say i started scripting chapter 2 to cope........#wish my drawing tablet was reasonable to bring on a flight cause. hhhhhhh#i couldve spent a full day just painting the fish i saw at the aquarium#instead i had to suffer with eighty bajillion art thoughts and one (1) mechanical pencil and could not get those thoughts out coherently#im so happy to be home yall have no idea#it was a fantastic vacation i just missed my Stuff#my bed my drawing tablet my room my desk my DOGS#GOD THEY WERE SO HAPPY TO SEE ME IT WAS ADORABLE#MY BASSET WHO HARDLY EVER MOVES WAS BOUNCING ALL OVER ME#HIS TAIL WAS WINDMILLING WHILE HE WAS LAYING FOWN AND I WAS HUGGING HIM!!!!!#I MISSED THEM BOTH SO MUCH#GOD#anyway im gonna sleep for a bit now#you may see sketches of the cool fish i saw in the coming few days#braindumps.txt
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Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
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I told the landlord who's flat I want to view that I'd be available anytime after the 2nd of May and they messaged me saying "would you be available tomorrow" huh
#i decided to just go 🤦♀️#the benefit is that it gets me out of bed earlier#so i wont just lay around all day instead of revising
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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Every night and especially on the weekends a ton of people will be right outside at the parking lot waiting for the bus to take them to a party or a club or a concert and I always imagine like what if I just went along with them like what if i just appeared and tagged along and went wherever a group of people went.
#bloggy#maybe one day i will be down there making all that NOISE at TEN THIRTY#instead of laying in bed making posts...#i have class on monday at 8 so i guess ill have to wait till next friday or somethang#but they all seem to be having so much fuun auguugugghg i just want to like TRY it ok#:(#fomo moment
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Brain says wamt write, but I open writing program and words go away
what fuck
#text post#full disclosure i struggled so hard to fall asleep last night i wound up sleeping on my floor post T shot#bc i couldn't convince myself I'd earned a shower (i took it just recently after waking up instead tho) or to lay in my bed#and all i want is to get any of the ideas I've been having down on the page concretely#or to finish one of my drafts and post it#or to get the stuff I've only posted here up on my ao3 too#however i work later today and rn my body hurts and my brain is once again on the kick of 'lets think abt all ur traumas at once'#so i fear i am not going to be as productive as i want#if i get thru my shifts and can help Housemate get some dinner squared away I'll call it a win for today#i feel like I'm keeping the bar too low for myself but whenever i put it higher i wind up not meeting it one hundred percent#and then i just feel terrible so. idk. im trying. once again. day in day out#really just wanna go hide in the midwifery charge au but alas i cannot merge myself into a fictional universe#but maybe tomorrow i can get some writing done for it
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Fun thing about cleaning my room is I’ll find something I was using like a week ago buried deep under my bed in a pile of old receipts and candy wrappers and then also find something I haven’t seen in MONTHS like right there sitting exposed on the floor
#don’t understand this#Im so close to getting this room the most organized that it’s been since I moved in a year ago#but i gotta clean the junk out from underneath my bed and somehow that’s worse than everything else I’ve done#all motivation i had last week as disappeared this week#but i got a new shelf set up to put stuff that was laying around the floor on#i got my books all neatly lined up on the bookshelf I’ve had for months but had only put random junk on instead#got my earrings all sorted and put away except the ones missing their twin#which are set aside until they are matched#finally hung up my whiteboard calendar and got the dates down#not that I have anything going on I really need a calendar for lmao#but It’s magnetic so i departed it with some magnets and now I actually have some decoration in here aside from my eras poster#all my clothes are organized and anything I don’t wear is put in bins for me to shove against the wall#until they can hopefully one day be put in storage#for me to have when I hopefully one day move out and actually have use for party clothes#after a whole year of being in this room it actually feels lived in rather than just a storage room with a futon#It’s still half a storage room but it’s also now half me#unfortunately my shelf is cheap and the hooks can’t bare the weight of my jackets even with gorilla tape#so this weekend I gotta try to figure out what to do about that#need something stronger to support the weight#or maybe just more gorilla tape lol#anyways not that anyone is reading this but it is 3am and I can’t sleep so I decided to clean#but i think I’m just gonna read#or maybe play the sims#or maybe continúe to sit ln the floor mindlessly scrolling through tumblr
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Did lil miss Rosi make it out to the deck? Hope you're feeling better now lovely ❤️
Nah I fell asleep tbh
#I was laying down on my bed while I was replying to some asks last night#and I was going to go to the deck to smoke a lil bit#but I must have just passed out instead#woke up at like 12 and I was in the most uncomfortable position#but I still didn’t have any energy to go outside#so I just went back to be d#now I think it’s been almost 13 hours of sleep?#and I’m thinking about going back to bed#but I know my head is going to be so mad at me if I do#I don’t want to deal with another migraine#but I also don’t have any energy to get up and start my day#so I’m just kinda stuck rn#someone should come over and distract me from all my dumb feelings pls#thanks for the kind words sweetie#💖💖#ask#anon
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I've got two assignments that are gonna take 1-2 hours to finish and it's due is less than 6 hours :'''(((( I love college life
#my college is out for mardi gras so im home instead of at the dorms#and when im home i zone out and dont do anything but lay in bed all day#when im at the dorms#i can disperse my homeowrk#man i barely even lie in bed in the dorms#eh whatever something something about psychology and rhe environments were in affecting behavior we exhibit#sol text
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love my new boss we're having fries for lunch and she's watching gilmore girls. icon
#its actually going well im glad i went#salisha speaks#dont feel so sick anymore either#and its good to do something instead of just laying in bed all day
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