#so im sorry if this triggers anyones ocd

[sordid-dog]

DNI: zionist, antikin, ableist, lgbtq+ phobic, fatphobic, fat kink, proshipper, support ai art, anti-cringe, general bigotry, s/h + ed blogs, proship.

im sorry for not reblogging or answering asks regarding current wars and genocides but i really cant handle it.sorry.

RB > LIKES on art, preferably

art fight,,

pronoun👍

strawpage!!

ok new pinned time finally

hello!! I'm callie/fester! feel free to alternate names and give name suggestions!! I go by it/thing/he/they. I am neurodivergent (autism, anxiety, probably adhd and maybe ocd) please be clear about things,, my mental health also may not the best currently so I might not be in a stable mood sometimes. expect some vents. i am also a minor, and I love bugs, indie music, Gravity Falls, The Owl House, Night In The Woods, and Rain World. :3

you can send me bug images as long as it is NOT A LARDER BEETLE. THEY ARE SMALL BLACK BEETLES WITH A WHITE/TAN STRIPE. DO NOT SEND ME THOSE . if you send an image of a larder beetle i WILL be blocking you.they remind me of some bad shit that happened to me in the past .please and thank yoy

if anyone uses this to specifically send me images of tjem im just gonna delete this part

I am a demiboy and a bi lesbian, and I adore contradictory labels.

I am also otherkin/fictionkin, and my confirmed (?) kintypes are caninekin and cryptidkin :] i also relate to/kin a lot of other characters and creatures,, im probably constelic/fictionflicker

about my tw tags: I tag the word itself. if "your mom" was a trigger, I would simply tag the post "your mom". you can always ask me to tag something!

current tags:

#dog misc: me yapping

#festers fuckery: me art

#dark pearls: vents and/or dark topics.yea the tag is the same as before

#waggy tail: happy vents

#dog rage: me being rightfully mad

#dog howls: serious discussion/announcements

#frisbee for dog: asks

#drop me a bone: gifts

old tags + info (these are my previous tags i used to use):

#scavs silly misc: miscellaneous posts/original posts. I upload random shit sometimes🔥

festers fuckery: art :3

#dark pearls: dark topics, vents

#pearl treasury: asks and polls!

#scavs favorite pearls: gifts! at least I think that was the tag

#scav is serious: announcements mostly

spam acc: @gayass-ery

music sideblog: @musicmutt

vent account: @bigevilworms

btw, I love being tagged! I love being asked! I love getting doodle requests, though idk if I'll get them all! these are basically always open!! unfortunately I am a horrible procrastinator so I might not always answer timely :']

probably gonna add more if I forgot, which is very likely. ty!

-please don't make jokes on my vent posts or blank reblog or anything unless I say you can btw. should have said that earlier sorry

[sycamorality]

also you answer like one or reblog one palestian donation post than get like fourty asks with guilt trippy messages

im not a zionist and i wish the people of palestine relief and freedom and stuff but i just cant help! and i dont want to turn off my asks becauss of that and it triggers my mOCD a lot too

sorry for rambling to you lol its just, so frustrating! like you think youre getting a nice ask and then its a donation one :(

YEAH I REALLY GET YOU thats why i havent reblogged or answered anything in relation to palestine or gaza. i genuinely hope everything turns out well too. it's so triggering for moral ocd and it fucks with me so bad because i already have like 52 other issues that i need to deal with too, and i don't want another added to that

i'm not a zionist either, i'm just looking out for my own mental health, and making a safe space for myself, my friends, and anyone else who joins us here.

[4ga1n5t-4ll-4uth0r1ty]

ive rummaged through my brain thoroughly and I believe i am pretty confident for what is going on /gen (this post is mostly for me, but can be helpful to others :] )

trigger warnings for below - suicide mention, sh, (y'all i need help with trigger warnings idk what to put and i don't want anyone to be hurt TT)

what i definitely might have

trauma that poses as factitious disorder

OCD - 100% - diagnosed, experienced since age 6

anxiety - 100% - diagnosed, experienced since toddler hood

depression - 100% - undiagnosed, experienced since this year (comes with suicidal thoughts !1! :D)

dyscalculia - 55% (im not sure. im told i have it by my psychiatrist and mother quite frequently, but i think im just bad at math. I've only exaggerated on it once, with me "switching around the numbers 6 and 7") - diagnosed, experienced since birth

PTSD - 100% - assessing, experienced since age 2, only found out this year

autism - 100% - verbally diagnosed, experienced since birth

ADHD - 100% - verbally diagnosed, experienced since birth

things i have faked

hallucinations - i do have them, just not to the extent i say. the fears that have emerged from them are real

ASPD - don't know why, the stigma surrounding ASPD is already horrible (which no one should go through simply because of their disorder, it's not right)

chronic fatigue - i do experience quite a large amount of fatigue on a constant basis, but not to the point of it being chronic and as serious as the condition. fatigue, chronic or not, is not 'laziness' and should not be labelled as such.

schizophrenia - i don't know when exactly it started, the hallucinations i would force myself to have started to actually happen though

^^ THERE ARE MORE, ITS JUST VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING RIGHT NOW AND I CANT THINK TT

one thing that makes me doubt things is the amount of disorders/disabilities that are labelled as 'what i definitely might have', so they may change. let me know if any of them don't work together and i will continue to look into my head. I want to stop lying

one thing i know for sure is that none of my experiences/stories are fake, so please don't take them as such

most of my vents are real and genuine, if i delete them, they either weren't or i was just embarrassed about my feelings

all the sh, meltdowns, shutdowns, stimming, and hyperfixations (can i call them that ? im not sure TT) are genuine

i am so so so so sorry to everyone i have lied to and manipulated

[iwilllearntowrite]

I am deeply terrified of being an evil person, unknowingly or without being able to fully face it.

Not just becoming evil, but simply being a fundamentally bad person. That my intentions are wrong and I am actually lying to myself. That I have manipulated myself and everyone around me into believing I am a kind person. That my existence in itself has a bad impact on others because it is inevitable for me to do harm just like any human at some point in their life maybe ? Because its impossible not to ? No, this is me trying to normalize sick behavior actually.

I often feel like I am imposing, like people are simply tolerating me, and when they try to reassure me I feel even worse because what if I manipulated them ? And it leads me to think I am even worse than I could picture. I interpret everything as proof that I am deeply terrible, including my loved ones trying to tell me the opposite, to the point where I am not only lying to myself but manipulating everything and everyone around me so I never have to face the truth. And if at any point I let myself believe my intentions are true and I listen to the side of me that doesn’t align with those thoughts, it feels like I would be loosening my control and enabling my deeper “evil” intentions, letting them slip.

Its like I have a phobia of my own intentions. I’ve been looking into it and everything is leading me to OCD related articles, its a disorder that was brought up to me when I was in therapy and also when I was seeing my psychiatrist but that never really got dug into because ultimately when they asked me a few questions about it I didn’t have clear “rituals” and struggled to keep track with everything in my life… I am putting this in the OCD tag to know if anybody else has had thoughts like these ? If any of what Im saying even makes sense… And if so Im curious if theres somewhere I can read about it ? I dont mean to intrude as I have not been diagnosed, but I feel like this is where I could find people who also struggle with intrusive thoughts as well as maybe something like this ?

There’s a part of me that knows. That recognizes the absurdity. That finds it almost laughable. But still beyond wanting to know wether it is true or not, I want to understand this belief better. Is it my inability to face my failures ? An irrational fear of doing harm ? Of becoming like those who hurt me ? They couldn’t face their abuse so how could I ? I have noticed most people who do harm aren’t aware of it, even the people who abused me through my life were pretty much oblivious. And if they were, what’s stopping me from being as oblivious as they are ? But could it be I’m just afraid I can’t trust myself ? What made me feel like I cant trust myself and when ? Because I almost always have… One thing I’d always been in tune with was my gut. I recognize now I haven’t been able to trust my own thoughts and memories since I was gaslit by my ex through last summer. Maybe there’s a correlation.

I really want to be careful, though, with the terms I am using. I am so sorry if what I have said seems offensive or hyperbolic, I tried not to write mindfully but I understand it could be beyond me and something only others will see. I am open to feedback and discussion and sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone with my words.

[limpfisted]

Thinking about the dark urge and intrusive thoughts and how the dark urge has a Little Weird Dude butler or something

And how the book that helped me was called "the imp of the mind"

And basically it said ocd/intrusive thoughts is like having a little goblin in ur brain that represents the id and base weird brain stem desire of all your worst fears and base human instincts just yammering on about stupid fucking bullshit. The ocd brain basically has an "imp" that has gone out of control and fixated on the worst broken brain thoughts. Everybody has them. But the imp brain focuses on them

And I see the durge and I go "my brother in christ. Your brain stem and imp are so crunchy"

Protip for anyone else with brain imps:

The only other thing that helped me was stopping my self-reassruances and trying to "check" if the thoughts were real or said anything about me

In the end u kind of have to force urself to just go "wow, brain imp. Thats sooo interesting. Jk I have more important things to do like play video games or Google milfs or go to work or some shit. That thought just doesn't matter right now, I have more important things to do"

Its disordered thinking in a literal sense, and u just have to learn how to prioritize the important thoughts, ur brain imp is making u prioritize and catastrophize about very human things that don't matter and that exist in all of us

But that your brain imp draws out of your subconscious

Because you are so afraid of even the possibility it might be true

But it doesn't matter if its true

And you don't HAVE to do anything, ever

You have to make the conscious effort to literally everything on planet earth

You wanna kill somebody? You even think you MIGHT kill somebody?

There are so many steps to that. Thats so many different dnd dice rolls. You can control your body, and not pick up the knife, or put the knife down. You can always do that

Your thoughts do not control you

YOU control you

And your restraint and your ability to keep going even when everything insides you says you're disgusting and horrid and a monster who doesn't deserve to live

Is what makes you so resilient and strong

Im sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with

Im sorry you're hurting so much

But I promise you even tho the thoughts never really go away

You WILL learn how to deal with them

Because you're stronger than God tried to make you

And that's what the durge means to me even tho I will probably never play one bc if I miss a single check I will trigger myself so so so badly LOL

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

[laverrez]

so this is just something i feel needs to be out there because sometimes i look on the ocd tag to see experiences others have and positivity they might be spreading, or sometimes just to feel kinship- today was one of those days, and i stumbled upon something that makes me feel incredibly icky and gross.

please be cautious and mindful when looking at "positive" ocd material or blogs. i encountered a blog (will not name because it was quite triggering) that was framed as "help" for people suffering with ocd and as a way to help them "recover" and "get over" it. if you can smell where this is going, good; i love you, but you cannot cure your ocd. im sorry. it is lifelong. you can find coping mechanisms and you can get to a better place with it, but it will not go away. anyone and anything claiming to make it do so is lying to you.

this blog specifically was selling some sort of program, from the looks of it. i will be completely clear that i didnt dig into anything or click on the link that was put in posts, because it was and is making me feel sick. these are just things i observed and things i think people, especially those that are in a bad space or are particularly young coming to terms with their diagnosis, should know to look out for.

if it uses ocd-unfriendly wording, it likely does not have your best interests at heart, and should be consumed carefully. things like "if you do/dont do x then y will happen", reblog baits, "if you do z then you're giving y power", "b will make c worse unless you d", anything that could trigger a fear or targets anxiety. the specific "ocd recovery" blog i stumbled upon had a few posts that were very predatory with these sort of wordings.

it also had a lot of anti-medication and anti-therapy undertones. again, please watch out for this. it is perfectly okay to not want medication or therapy for yourself, but being against them altogether is dangerous, stigmatizing, and unhelpful for not only people with ocd but for anyone who could need professional mental healthcare. anyone claiming to help while also pushing that sort of anti-healthcare agenda is someone to be cautious of.

it does not make you bad if you have fallen into traps with these sort of things before. it does not make you bad to follow blogs that reblog bait. it does not make you bad to not want professional care or medicine for yourself. it does not make you bad to wish that it was possible to be 'cured'. it does not make you bad not to reblog or like this post. you are not bad.

i just felt like i needed to share some of these things to look out for, because i know it can be so difficult to see things as they are when brain is telling you that you have to listen or else. please be gentle and kind to yourself. please drink some water if you can because it's getting quite warm, and please remember that you are loved and you are good as you are. you're doing your best today, and that is enough. im proud of you.

[cas-coding]

my mom is being a dick so im making it all your guys problem because i dont have therapy until thursday

im going to put my vent below the cut because it will probably get triggering, but id appreciate if you guys would let me know any official terms for what my mom is doing to me/if there are any online resources to help

so my mom got home from work today and she was really pissed at everyone and everything. she yelled at me to take out the trash (which i usually do on tuesdays, but much closer to 5pm than the 3pm that it was at that moment) and i said sure let me finish this snack and if i have time before i have to pick up my brother, ill do it then. if not ill do it after.

she said okay and went back to her little candy crush game. two minutes later she tells me i need to pick up my brother. i say yeah i know. ill leave to pick him up at 4pm (which is roughtly 45 min away atp) and she sighs and says fine.

im like okay im not taking this bait. so i finish my snack and i do the garbage. then i pick up my brother and he's a dick to me too. leaves his metal waterbottle on the floor of my car where it will bang around and distract me from driving (i have drivers ocd and a lot of driving anxiety, so ive told him multiple times not to do this and hes usually good with it) and then my brother is all dramatic about getting out of the car and his knee hurting (he is 15) and i say the house isnt that far but im sorry it hurts and he calls me a bitch. what was i supposed to say

but anyway back to my mom. i havent told her my daily stories yet (and i know im fortunate to have parents that care about my day to day) so i tell her this story relating to my friend. i say hey he's been doing this recently and it's annoying and i wish he would stop. i talked to him about it a couple times and he wont stop.

my mom looks me dead in the eye and asks me why im so dramatic about everything. why does it bother you so much. its your fault. get over it. stuff like that. and she says it in this perfectly nice loving mothering voice. im sorry, what?

i said that ive asked him to stop and we've had conversations and he wont. i said its not my fault im trying, please don't say that to me. and my mom just keeps going on, saying oh youre overreacting, just get over it, why are you so pissy with all of your friends.

so im like emotionally exhausted and i blurt out that i have trauma from past friends. my second grade best friend moved away and then ignored my phone calls. my fourth grade best friend moved across the country and never responded to my (five!!!) letters. i told my seventh grade best friend that i thought i might not be a girl (surprise, im a trans man) and she called me the t-slur (i know i can say it, but i really dont like it because of this experience). i told my mom that that friend then went on to tell all of my high school friends (who only knew my chosen name) my birth name and then those friends struggled to use my chosen name ever again because 'oh your birth name fits you so much better!'

and you know what my mom said? she started lecturing me. how i cant let people hurt me. how its my fault i get mad at people. how im the reason no one wants to be my friend. how im damaged goods because of all the shit i wont get over. etc.

and i dont care if my mom makes me food. i dont care if she gives me a house to live in. that's bare minimum and i am not required to love her for that.

and she's never once proved to me that she deserves my love, so in ten years when shes wondering why i never call, this is only one reason why. she does this in so many ways and so many scenarios that i dont know how anyone tolerates her.

as soon as i can financially leave her, i will, and i will never look back.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i just need to vent a bit :/ tw child abuse, csa, ptsd, ocd (implied)

ive accumulated so much self hatred and shame, especially because there is something ive been putting off for months now. that thing triggered all the others to come back and it haunts me everyday. it started from my abusive parents and csa trauma, but it snowballed throughout my life because i kept getting more trauma.

there are things about me, thougts i have ect i dont feel like telling the people im closest to because i fear that they would hate me.

"hate" is a euphemism tbh. for me it's more like a religious thing where forgiveness is completely out of the question and the rejected person is simply left to suffer because of how repulsive they are.

i just feel like im dirty, so dirty that i have to hide myself in order for people to stay with me. i try to be kind everyday and i want to change trauma cycles, so my loved ones think im good because of that, but i feel that they don't know how dirty i really am. like it's just an outer layer and if you manage to take a look, you'll never want to see me ever again.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm not sure what the "something" is but please remember that you have been through so much, and you deserve love and care. You are not dirty. You are a survivor.

I think sometimes it can be helpful to think about what you're going through someone else. Imagine someone having the exact same experiences as you, would you think they're dirty or should be hated? If the answer is no, then it's worth considering that this person is no different from you.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[shaykeijser]

‪⚪️─────────────‬

‪ 0:01 3:29‬

Hyphy

Clout from Grandma’s Closet

‪ ◄◄⠀▐▐ ⠀►►‬

‪🔈───────────⚪️🔊‬

[kajiimotojiiro]

Ugh

[mothalas]

[Id: gif of raspberry cookie on the left, pointing her sword out. Pastry cookie is to the right, putting her hands together and bowing. End id.]

hello there! Welcome, you can call me moth (he/they)

Im a multi fandom artist who will be posting about the following

- Cookie run! (Main fandom, i post a lot abt it)

- Breaking Bad / Better Call Saul

- Stray (2022)

- Hermitcraft

- Bugs, Insects, Arachnids, etc.

My comfort characters/ships are…

-Raspberry/Pastry cookie

- Amber sugar cookie

Thats it i am constantly rotating them though

Some things to keep in mind-

I am autistic and my special interest is bugs (mostly moths) this means I WILL POST INSECTS UNTAGGED!!!

If you have any phobia related to bugs (this includes spiders) this blog is not a good place for you to be. I do not want to trigger anyone

Ocd pretty bad i might spam like im sorry if that happens

Also i have trouble with tone sometimes so if i don’t understand a joke or misread it please be kind thank u

This post might be edited in the future!

[narconfessions]

Tw people attempting to sui-bait people for intrusive thoughts, past s/h, mentions of scratching on hands/legs due a cat play-attacking them, passive scar ment, passive murder ment, passive torture ment

Quick disclaimer: no cat/kitten was harmed in any way and the only physical harm was to me, which wasnt intentional and is considerably superficial/not serious. On the mental end however...

(Btw i have bpd, ocd and potentially aspd. I really need a place to put this who wont judge me cause its helping me calm down right now.)I have some impulse issues, intrusive thoughts as well as just adopted a 12 week old kitten(clarity: i have own cats all my life, this is not my first experience with kittens). He'll attack my feet and it hurts every time. All i can do is wiggle him off or pick him up and move him. Hes been doing this the entire time we've had him( about a month now) and ive gotten full on scars from him play attacking. If you saw me and my gfs hands and legs, you'd think we stuck them in paper shredders.

Its been a long emotional and triggering day today and i was just trying to clean up a complex mess of papers and stuff on the floor and he refused to leave me alone, attacking and pouncing on every single thing i picked up or put down. I warned him with just simple words like stop or no so he can get used to them(our older cat picked up what they mean) and i even encouraged him to go play with our older cat like he usually dose. His kennel was behind me and at some point i was just done with dealing with him.

I picked him up and was going to put him in his kennel to calm down when he wiggled really hard and scratched the shit out of my hand. It really hurt and it was on my wrist which really triggering with my past with self harm. I was so angry and done and my impulses and intrusive thoughts just really wanted to hurt him because of just how many times he's hurt me. But i didnt, i just picked him more securely, put him in his kennel and went to the bathroom to clean my hand.

My thoughts got so loud and demanding and was already lightheaded from seeing my scratches that i had to turn the water to freezing cold just to keep my eyes straight and stop myself from drifting and potentially passing out( its medical).

Then i sat down and checked online for some heat of the moment tips to make sure i didnt spiral like deep breathing or how to quiet the thoughts and oh boy was that a mistake. Just people on forums asking for advice for the exact situation i was in and they didnt want to hurt anyone but they had the thoughts. 1/8th of the comments are people telling you to seek therapy, which is vaild but dosent help in the heat of the moment, the other 7/8ths? People talking about graphically murdering or torturing the poor op. Acting rightous for telling him how they hurt him or that he should commit sui. Some shit they said to this guy is stuff ive only heard in the true crime community.

Safe to say, with 0 warning, that was the absolute worst things for me to be reading at that moment. In a sound mind, i know im not my thoughts or impulses. I know that hes a kitten and he did not intend to hurt me, he was just excited and wanted to play with me because he loves me. I know that im worthy of life and just because i felt or thought it, dosent mean i meant it or wanted to hurt someone. But in the moment? That hurt. Alot. And I'm lucky it didnt lead to sh or even worse.

Im sorry if this isnt what this is for but i dont feel safe anywhere else to put this and the internet showed me that today in a moment of weakness.... It still amazes me how people can scream for support for people with adhd or depression but the second traumatized people with intrusive thoughts enter the picture, we are monsters...

Im ok now but this is what leads to alot of hurt or worse mentally ill people who are just reaching out for help before anything gets worse and some in the "anti-ableism" community pretends its not them in the comments telling people to hurt themselves instead of others while the intention should be getting them help so no one gets hurt. Its not shocking at this point.

it sounds like you handled this situation the best way you could, by not hurting yourself or others. i’m proud of you anon. but it sucks you had to see that, it’s a sad truth of how people who are supposedly “supportive” of MI people, will easily throw us under the bus the second our symptoms are too much for them :/

[shattered-catalyst]

OCD Subtypes for the RPC

Part 1 is here

Well well well, we are back for Part 2 of the Roleplayer’s Guide to OCD.

Fellow Ocd Folks, I see you in those tags and I'm going to do my best to ensure those obsessions are represented here- BUT understand that physically it is not going to be possible to list every single one because I am one person.  Regardless its incredibly brave of you all to rb and add things in the tags, I know its hard to talk about this shit and I see you. I see you.

Resultantly I typed this out and posted it in formatting to assist with accessibility in mind; if you cannot read it still ( I tried Im sorry!) i recommend the copy and paste method or getting the chrome extension bee-line reader.

 There will be grammatical and spelling mistakes. Im sure spacing is odd some places, but you have to understand doing this is extremely anxiety provoking for me so Im just getting it done when I can.

Remember to use your critical thinking; not everyone has the same symptoms/compulsions/triggers and all that.

OCD is fluid. Its like liquid mercury. One day its a handful of subtypes another day its another different serving.

If you are in general squicked about certain topics even by mention read ahead with your own judgement. Remember us folks that have OCD have many disturbing and distressing experiences so if you are writing a character who has OCD and you can’t read about it just don’t give them that obsessive thought/ compulsion. Make sure writing is still a safe and enjoyable hobby for yourself first and foremost.

But ethically and morally I cannot and will not leave out the more disturbing bits. You have the ability to scroll by, I and many others do not get the chance to escape triggering content that our own mind creates.

So read ahead with your best judgement or at least skip around the squicky parts and educate yourself on what OCD is so people quite using it as a Obsessive Christmas/Corgi/Cat Disorder thing. Alright? Cool beans.

Okay so you made it passed post 1 and got under the read more. Give yourself a gold star for diving into this monster of a document.

Below is a crash course it is not meant to replace actual psychoeducation, personal research, or google. Honestly most of us do our research extensively but because OCD is treated so horribly by social media, media, and society in general.

I wasn’t sure where to throw these together because the education tools to learn fully about OCD are very specialized and thus very restricted. I found that many people DO have these experiences with OCD though so I will represent them throughout. I’ll also sprinkle some of my own experiences so you can get a good reference of a person who has the disorder and not just a randomly generated person.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So OCD is made up of Obsessions, Trigger, Intrusive thought, Misinterpretation/feared consequence,Somatic and Psychological Anxiety, and Compulsions/Rituals.

Your character may not be able to list all of these. In fact if they aren't in ERP therapy they may not be able to puzzle these things out. But YOU as the writer should know them. Your character won’t be walking around talking to just ANYONE that they have OCD. Remember a huge aspect of OCD is it’s Shame.  The disorder makes us feel intense shame regarding our intrusive thoughts, as a result OCD goes undiagnosed for years especially if it has pediatric onset.

  We won’t tell anyone what we are experiencing or why we are doing x y or z. We act like nothing is wrong because to emotionally react is to admit to yourself- and therefore the world- that you have had this intrusive thought and are therefore by virtue a horrible person.[For further information I would suggest also researching PANDAS].

It may be noticeable if your character has an intrusive thought. They may wince or grimace or roll their eyes certainly, but they won’t open up to Joe at the cafe about how their brain is constantly torturing them. I apparently have a very noticeable eye twitch.

 Depending on the nature of the intrusive thought it will get more or less of a reaction out of me. Its usually dependent on how distressing the intrusive thought is and/or if its a new one.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You see OCD doesn’t sit still. It never looks the same. You’ll have your long haul intrusive thoughts that are with you for years but then you’ll have weird ass ones that just appear and demand their voice be heard yelling about cars hitting people or squirrels getting eaten.

Some people have similar ones! So while everyone is different there will always be someone out there with an intrusive thought similar to yours.

 For instance; I bonded emotionally with a lady on reddit because we both have intrusive thoughts during storms that animals and the homeless are dying. We were both horribly relieved to find another person and also distressed that every snow or rain storm brings horrible images and whispers to your mind that while you are warm and snug in bed someone is freezing to death. And its all your fault.

Some days are better than others. As with all mental illnesses it isn’t CONSTANT ALARM BELLS. Some days it will be all alarms and other days it will be like a gentle whisper on the breeze. You can almost not notice it. Almost.

Obsessive thoughts run the gauntlet from ‘i will/could have/may/may accidentally harm etc’ something that you hold of value. This is any obsessive thought that you have: you think about repeatedly and not by choice, it is very anxiety provoking, it is unwanted, and unwelcome.

 Mine run the scale from ‘squirrel will be murdered’ to ‘being responsible for harm’.

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. In short, compulsions and rituals are not fun. they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To emphasize from post 1: magical thinking and the faulty link between thoughts and actions are hallmarks of OCD.  Magical thinking can be anything from contamination to if I turn around three times or stare really hard at something the bad thing wont happen. Sounds weird and is weird and we know it is thats why its a disorder and not a delusion.

The faulty belief that thought=action is the biggest hurdle it is incredibly difficult to grasp, at least for me maybe some of you that have done further ERP can attest, that the mere concept of a thought not being the same as an action is completely and totally mind blowing.

Free will? Yeah thats terrifying. IDK about anyone else but free will is absolutely terrifying; what do you mean i could do anything i wanted?

Thats how you face OCD(WITH A TRAINED THERAPIST). You give in to ambiguity and the unknown. Its breaking that link between thought and action. Its incredibly difficult and draining. A five minute exposure leaves me in shatters for a week and two five minute ones had me ripping my nails past the nail beds with anxiety.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a reminder: Do not have your character expose themself or expose folks with OCD to a trigger to “ help us get over with”. That is literally forcing someone with a mental illness into a break down and is not helpful. In fact its worse because a person knows about this intrusive thought and they tried to make it real. More shame and some trauma. 

If you have OCD, more likely than not a family member or significant other has tried this with the purest of intentions. But it never works like that. Theres a reason that therapists get special training for this. If people want a post on ERP I can make one at some point. 

------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually let’s drag me with the squirrel thing as the example- fellow OCD Folks get out a pen and paper and try breaking down one of yours;

Obsession:Squirrel will be murdered

Trigger: seeing a squirrel

 Intrusive thought: Graphic images of a squirrel being murdered by a hawk/ impaling depending on the day

Misinterpretation/feared consequence: Squirrel will be killed and its all my fault

Somatic and Psychological Anxiety:intense anxiety, palms sweating, heart racing,

Compulsions/Rituals: Must stare at the squirrel to prevent bad things from happening, 

Now imagine if that is every time you see a fucking squirrel. You have somehow become completely and totally transfixed on a squirrel and nothing is going to pull your attention away or the squirrel dies- which your mind is giving you lovely images of btw.

Cute right?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Below are the subtypes with general information/example thoughts/ and how some of these have impacted me socially because apparently some people dont understand that mental illnesses impact their social lives?? yall...

Social: This can range from ‘ i am constantly thinking i did something wrong so i have to ask for reassurance that we are still friends’ to completely unrealistic worries. Maybe its an intrusive thought that ‘ your voice is annoying them’ . There’s reassurance seeking, internal and external checking.

 It makes friendships extremely difficult and exhausting. You’re not trying to get to know someone with an annoying frat boy egging on anxiety in your brain. This can also manifest as having strict rules for yourself and ethical codes. 

My therapist likes to say she could give us (folks with OCD) a pile of hundred dollar bills and come back and they’d all be returned. Because OCD makes you so strict and morally confined. Which ISNT fun. Like I dont get pleasure over having to memorize the entire Code of Conduct!

Social Media: Its the bane of human existence some days and a lifeline the next. But what if everytime your follower count was an odd/even number it sent you into a panic attack. What if you spent all your time with intrusive thoughts that somehow someone misinterpreted a post or that someone is going to be harmed by a post you made about tapirs. 

You may be forced to block people to get your number down or keep pornbots on your blog to keep your number what you like (see there is a use for them! We sacrifice those before actual users!) You may be refreshing your page every second because ‘what if you miss a message’. It's going to look a lot like ‘check check check check reassure yourself double check your posts check check check reassure check check FALSE MEMORY check your post etc’

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Clothing/Body Image: When its not Body Dysmorphia it can be OCD. Sometimes this looks like I obsess about a body part and therefore I choose my clothes/hairstyles to hide those.  Some personal examples: as a kid I was sure that mind readers exist ( THIS IS AN OCD THING TOO I was so relieved to find that out) and that if i didnt wear  a particular hat they would see all these horrible thoughts and it would be revealed what an awful person I was. So I wore the same dumb ass bucket hat for a year (or more I cannot remember but it was a long ass time).

I was once so fixated on being given a compliment on my eye color that I wore sunglasses (even at night) to a summer camp. And if any of those teen girls in that cabin that stood up and mocked me in a crowded lunch hall by singing ‘i wear my sunglasses at night’ you all owe me 40$.

Even younger still I had intrusive thoughts. Like say, if anyone noticed I was female that i would be kidnapped so I chopped my hair very short. I altered my appearance to be very androgynous and even switched to walking more masculine. Because omg if your hips move someones going to kill you thats just how it works. ( It doesnt help I later figured out I was a lesbian)

Your wardrobe may be impacted by OCD and yes so can your body image.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also yes the fear of mind readers is also a thing; i always thought I was somehow faking OCD because yes that is also a…..

Faking: Do you value telling the truth? Do you detest lying ? Boy Howdy do I have some news for you. OCD is going to try and convince you that YOU LIED. Whether it was on a chastity pledge to get a free sandwich or in a conversation you just HAD. This links a lot with false memory OCD.

Another aspect is OCD makes us doubt we have OCD and tries to convince us we have any other diagnosis under the sun and we are obviously faking our OCD.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Sexual Orientation OCD; It is as it is called. Sexual Orientation OCD is what happens when your brain goes ‘hold on what if you’re not this orientation what if you are THAT’. It doesn’t matter where on the LGBT umbrella you fall you will have OCD trying to convince you otherwise. From compulsive staring at members of the same/opposite gender to compulsively reassuring or checking with yourself to ensure that ‘ no no you are in fact THIS orientation.’ 

This can range in behavior from binge watching porn, staring compulsively to check that there is OR is NOT attraction,self checking past experiences and memories, analyzing your clothing and your lifestyle in painful and intricate methods.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

False Memory OCD; False memory OCD is basically your brain sitting you in a noir interrogation room, handcuffing you to a chair grilling you. It demands that you did *insert bad thing here*. This can range from anything from something Harm based to pretty much *anything* from other OCD subtypes. Which is quite delightful really.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sensorimotor OCD; Sensorimotor OCD is obsessive body responses. These can be ‘ I have to cough really hard and really feel it right in my chest and if I can’t get it right I have to cough until I do’. This can be counting your heartbeats. Trying to check yourself that you in fact have a heart and checking and reassuring that it is still beating. It can be hyper-awareness of swallowing or even swallowing repeatedly. It is anything with selective attention; ie its an automated process but your OCD is forcing you to be aware of it.

Your OCD makes you aware of the sensation of, say, breathing, and then it convinces you that if you stop paying attention to it you will stop breathing. So now you’re horribly aware and focused solely on breathing and breathing alone. It keeps me up most nights with the pounding anxiety fueled by the pressure of ‘if you stop focusing on breathing you will stop breathing completely’ or waiting to feel that last heartbeat in your chest. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Existential OCD; You ever feel existential ? Existential OCD is like having a very aggressive existential crisis that turns you into NEEDING answers IMMEDIATELY. This can look anything from hours panic scrolling the net to panic inducing anxiety because you don't know what happens after death. The thoughts are like foghorns on a misty sea.

This sounds basic and the only example i can give is as a teeny tiny 7 year old I had a panic attack in bed screaming that ‘ what if im a dinosaur and im asleep and i wake up and my whole family is GONE’.

To be fair I did like dinosaurs a lot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harm OCD; This is pretty self explanatory but I will give more details. Harm OCD is OCD demanding that you will/could/can/may have/might harmed yourself/others/any living creature and that you alone are responsible. 

This means anything from getting anxious driving over crosswalks because ‘what if you dont see one and hit someone and its all your fault and you hit someone go back and make sure you havent hit anyone’ to ‘im holding a knife so im going to accidentally stab someone’ to ‘ i didnt see my cat this morning and now im at work and think she must be dead and i am responsible for her demise.’

 It can be as simple as ‘if i use a pencil i will stab myself in the eye’ or as complex as ‘ i may accidentally say a slur’/ ‘ i am going to say this horrible thing out loud if i cannot control myself.’ It can also be images of terror or racist/sexist/ableist jokes in your mind that repeat like a broken record.

(Please note from section 1 that this is extremely anxiety provoking and not something you would do. OCD preys on what we respect the most.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

pOCD; Tumblr listen the fuck up because I am tired of seeing people get called shit on this website for having this mental illness. People who experience pOCD are not pedophiles, they do not get any pleasure or benefit. The thoughts and images are meant to induce harm to the person experiencing them. Children are normally the trigger for this and the resulting images can be very graphic. Again you aren’t attracted to children- thoughts of them getting harmed hurt you so your OCD makes you see them.

Know this so you can advocate for folks with pOCD in real life. Remember we are here. We are suffering and we are terrified of your children.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poisoning others/or in your food; Life isn’t medieval anymore but sometimes OCD demands we have a food taster or that we obsessively worry that we may kill someone with our cooking. Personally I struggle with colorblindness so I am constantly fretful over cooking any sort of meat so it’s difficult for me to cook it.

 However this also comes as; obsessive horrible thoughts of your cooking kill someone or that you have somehow/accidentally poisoned someone’s food (even if you haven’t touched it or been within a foot of it ) or that someone has poisoned YOUR food even if no one has touched it except you. You’re going to be picking apart your food or unable to eat out at all.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emotional Contamination: It’s similar to magical thinking and this terrifying prospect of mind readers. Emotional contamination can manifest as anything from intense worry over somehow gaining someone else’s negative personality traits.

 Or that somehow by interacting with any role of someone horrible will make YOU somehow also responsible for the horribleness.  There is usually a person or a type of person that is a trigger, but it can also be location based.

 This is one subtype where magical thinking and superstition are apparent.  

For instance; as a teen if a male was in my space or had physical contact;like shaking hands,giving a high five, being in my room etc. I would have to go around and physically touch all the objects that I perceive they may have also touched as a way to cancel out their presence. 

This includes wiping off myself to negate even the touch of family members. It really hurts peoples feelings, my father was especially hurt by this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Physical Contamination: This goes beyond physical dirt and grime. Most of us dont have spotless homes because if you’re having a fist fight with your brain everyday cleaning falls by the wayside just like it would for anyone else. Physical contamination holds 2 things: physical contamination obsessions AND compulsive cleaning behaviors/rituals. We believe that a small amount of a contaminate can cover large surfaces.

 Oh, and did I mention its not JUST dirt/germs/viruses. The list is expansive but heres a mixed bag of what they can be: sticky substances,dead animals,glitter (FUCKING GLITTER),negative words or language,colors, numbers, surfaces in general, food, people, and activities.  There is also a hyper responsibility to protect yourself and others from ‘contamination’.

Strangely there is a magical separation between the contaminated world and the ‘clean’ one. Spaces designated as clean would be a bedroom/bathroom/workspace where you are most active. That space is where the compulsions and intrusive thoughts occur. Its not I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Otherwise I would be working cleaning houses because why the hell not amiright?

A real world example from a colleague would be a young man with physical contamination OCD is struck with such intrusive thoughts about cleaning that they refuse to allow anyone in their room or any animals in their home. But they are not able to even flush the toilet, take out the trash, wash dishes, or do garbage because of their intrusive thoughts.

The most famous would be compulsive hand washing but I feel it is important to also note OTHER aspects of physical contamination because everyone sees the hand scrubbing stereotype. 

Other compulsions include intricate rituals, not touching the floor (i played X-treme the floor is lava during college. I couldnt let my feet touch the floor because it was ‘dirty’),excessive showering (2-8+ hour showers guys, 8 hour showers. Thats what we’re talking about.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Relationship OCD: This comes as no surprise that yes you will have intrusive thoughts that you are somehow harming/ will harm/ may accidentally harm your significant other. Whether that be by physical or emotional means. It can look like ‘ I may have lied to her about how much I love her’, ‘ i may not actually love her and I may be leading her on’, and ‘ I must be corrupting her’. These can extend to certain physical activities with false memory OCD as a cherry on top. A great finishing garnish to leave you feeling absolutely dismayed and unable to trust your own perception.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scrupulosity: Religion! Whatever that may be! Its a thing with OCD.  With Scrupulosity obsessive thoughts run all over the board from; you committed a sin and forgot about it you monster to having to pray continuously/ a certain time/ until its right. What is right?Ask OCD that’s the only person who knows. 

We are fairly certain my grandfather had OCD because he went to church for every single Catholic Mass. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.  That’s not a healthy amount of attendance(I'm calling you out posthumously because I care Robert!). This can also look like: praying a certain amount of times. Praying until you do it ‘right’. Confessing every single potential sin. Cataloguing and dwelling over ‘sinful’ things. 

----------------------------------------------------------

Symmetry or Just Right OCD: Symmetry OCD is the runner up for ‘most likely recognized on tv shows’ award.

Symmetry OCD convinces you that if *insert thing here* isnt symmetrical or ‘just right’ (a magical position or number of objects that makes 0 logical sense) that something bad will happen.

This can range from the known; rearranging things. But it also looks like buying more objects until you reach the right amount and even throwing out objects if theres ‘too many’.

It can range from ‘the walls are percievably not straight so now i avoid that room at all costs otherwise i will be trapped traveling the edges of the wall with my eyes otherwise it will fall in and murder us ALL.’ to ‘ this historical bust is one inch off to the left and now all i see is visions of it breaking against the ground.’

So that is what I have time for. 9 pages on subtypes and basic information. If you find yourself wanting me information all of this is easily accessible online. So go, be free and dont ever compare people to Monk again. Write Batman and Scott Summers with OCD. Give us ACTUAL representation and not throw away joke lines. We are here. Our suffering isnt funny. We deserve representation too.

[laverrez]

i dont know if it was supposed to be triggering content (maybe, probably?) but i was recommended pro-anorexia content because for some reason they tagged ocd even though it had literally nothing to do with the post, and i already barely open this hellsite but now i want to even less.

so anyway now im feeling fucked on two sides because i saw this shit, but also i had to report a few accounts. i wish i couldve reported more, even though i feel like im a horrible person for reporting these kids, especially when a lot of their bios say things like "please block dont report". i know. im sorry. this is harmful, this harmed *me* and i couldnt not report it.

if these accounts would tag properly and not censor the shit out of the word anorexia, i wouldve never seen this, and i wouldve never reported anyone. you cant say "4n0r3x14 tw" or "@n0r3xi@" in your tags. it's disingenuous. stop. say the word. say it, and fucking tag it, and dont fucking censor it. it's triggering and it's fucked, regardless of intention.

so now im sitting here with my increasingly cold oatmeal, and i dont want to eat it anymore. i will, because i know it's good for me and that my body needs food, even if it's the last thing i want right now. but i feel sick, i feel bad, i feel frustrated, i feel sad. i dont want these pro-ed communities to exist. i want them to seek medical attention. i hope they can heal.

i hope i can continue to heal, and that i never have to see things like that again.

[kuviras-eyeliner]

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, anxiety, eating disorders, many mental health disorders that are fcking being romanticized everywhere and it drives me CRAZY

HI IM GONNA VENT FOR A QUICK SECOND, 

SO I’M LOOKING AT ADHD AWARENESS tiktok compilations on YouTube, and I really respect the videos.

But the comments.

THE COMMENTS.

All of them say, “I have all those symptoms, too!! I totally have ADHD”

or “lol same i literally can’t focus in class online” and then the replies say, “i can’t focus either it’s so boring omg”

or they might say (these are all copy-pasted): “Video: signs of adhd include fidgeting, rejection sensitive dysphoria, memory loss

me: oh

(and then they replied to their own comment): basically i literally get so bored, and this one time, my bf said no to a prom date, and i always forget where i put my phone, you know? i have adhd :0″

Now, I usually don’t get angry, but this drives me CRAZY.

YOU DO NOT HAVE ADHD UNTIL YOU ARE PROPERLY DIAGNOSED!! YOU CAN IN FACT, BEFOREHAND, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY!! You can’t just go around saying, “right after this my mom listed out all the symptoms and I as like :0 I have adhd” NO, NO YOU DON’T!! People honestly romanticize having ADHD, and that’s what drives me crazy!

👏DO👏NOT👏SELF-DIAGNOSE👏

I DON’T HAVE ADHD MYSELF, (I haven’t been diagnosed. And even if, yes, I am showing many symptoms, THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE ADHD. I COULD, but will I try to “fit in with the trend” as some disgusting people call it? No, of course not! I can’t say that I have ADHD or whatnot until I’m officially told that I do, because what if I don’t know for certain?) BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHEN PEOPLE ROMANTICIZE THESE THINGS, IT hurts BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY DON’T KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS

OH AND OCD, ANOREXIA, DID, DEPRESSION, DYSLEXIA, ANXIETY.

YOU👏SHOULDN’T👏THINK👏THIS👏IS👏A👏TREND

THOSE ARE NOT TRENDS.

PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE LITERALLY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COMMENT, “yeah my bf didn’t ask me out last week i’m so depressed” or “i have anxiety over my new show not airing” or “omg that tile over there is triggering my OCD” or “sorry idk how to spell that my dyslexia is alive” or “i prob have an identity disorder idk who i am lmao” or “i didn’t eat breakfast, i probably have an eating disorder..”

NO, NO YOU DON’T!!

Yes, you can be in those situations, and yes, you can be diagnosed. However, if you really show no real proof or you really just seem like a 6-year-old saying they’re depressed because their parents didn’t buy them an icecream sundae or what not is not okay. 

DO👏NOT👏ROMANTICIZE👏THESE👏

I feel so sorry for anyone who’s dealing with these. But I literally couldn’t hold this back any longer, because people who do this drive me up a wall. These mental issues hurt and effect our lives, and it’s not okay to romanticize and make a joke out of it. I’m sorry if anyone had to go through these. Please stay strong and reach out to me whenever you need it.

But hey, this had to be said. Please stay safe.