#so im sorry if this triggers anyones ocd

[nexus-nebulae]

so. for A Long While now we've considered officially pursuing converting to judaism. and we've finally really started the whole research process and getting familiarized with the religion and everything and. does anyone have tips on how to feel comfortable in a new religion when you've been so harmed by specific religious groups in the past (especially when the religion you have bad history with is so close to the one you're converting to, like being another abrahamic religion)

[cosmickid-inmotion]

I don't think I can manage a pride event this year

It's really hard to say this, esp bc I love events and I love hosting them, but also like... school ended. I should have time.

But I think I need to admit I'm not doing well mentally rn.

My severe anxiety from finals week has not dissipated. I've had several episodes not of anxiety attacks perse but where im SHAKING or i cant sleep and GOD the not eating sucks. i love eating. roommate and i went out for ice cream and i couldnt finish my mini blizzard. A lot of y'all saw I had a spiral about my SA and my head is still working on that. When i get high anxiety, it usually triggers my SA PTSD. Y'all know I have OCD.

Last year, i got overhelmed and never even up making a masterlist. I dont want to fuck up the disability event, so Im gonna not try and overdue myself.

I'm sorry. I might end up doing something like make a prompt list or something but just the idea of making an event feels stressful.'

I have a doctors appointment on friday and hopefully i can get a script for the anti anxieties, and can get back on anti depressants and a mood stabilizer. Usually primary care doctors are cool perscribing my anti anxiety bc its just hydros. And they usually are okay with anti depressants. I just take zoloft. Idk about my mood stablizer. I got it perscribed years ago by my psych at the time, and then i moved back with my parents. My doctor their trusted it but i've known her a long time. IDK about a new doctor.

I know some of ya'll were excited but maybe next year. I think the super hero idea was a fun way to combine the Oscar and Pedro fandoms (Oscar as Miguel, Moon Knight, and Apocalypse, Pedro as Marcus Moreno and Mr. Fantastic), my love of the x men, and love of eddie brock and matt murdock.

So again im sorry.

@the-oscar-isaac-collective is hosting a pride prompt event so i suggest that if you are a fan

If anyone knows PPCU pride events lmk ill promo them!

thanks for understanding. I may also be taking some time off discord and tumblr for some recovery so if i go mia thats why

[sulfur1c-4cid]

DNI: zionist, antikin, ableist, lgbtq+ phobic, fatphobic, fat kink, proshipper, support ai art, anti-cringe, general bigotry, s/h + ed blogs, proship.

im sorry for not reblogging or answering asks regarding current wars and genocides but i really cant handle it.sorry.

RB > LIKES on art, preferably

art fight,,

pronoun👍

strawpage!! <- kinda important

bsky

userbox by @/oy--with-the-poodles-already :]]]

stupidscav -> sordid-dog

hello!! I'm callie/fester! feel free to alternate names and give name suggestions!! I go by it/thing/he/they. I am neurodivergent (autism, anxiety, probably adhd and maybe ocd) please be clear about things,, my mental health also may not the best currently so I might not be in a stable mood sometimes. expect some vents. i am also a minor, and I love bugs, indie music, Gravity Falls, The Owl House, Night In The Woods, and Rain World. :3

you can send me bug images as long as it is NOT A LARDER BEETLE. THEY ARE SMALL BLACK BEETLES WITH A WHITE/TAN STRIPE. DO NOT SEND ME THOSE . if you send an image of a larder beetle i WILL be blocking you.they remind me of some bad shit that happened to me in the past .please and thank yoy

please also refrain from sending me images of worms, or ask if you can send an image beforehand.

if anyone uses this to specifically send me images of tjem im just gonna delete this part

I am a demiboy and a bi lesbian, and I adore contradictory labels.

I am also otherkin/fictionkin, and my confirmed (?) kintypes are caninekin and cryptidkin :] i also relate to/kin a lot of other characters and creatures,, im probably constelic/fictionflicker

about my tw tags: I tag the word itself. if "your mom" was a trigger, I would simply tag the post "your mom". you can always ask me to tag something!

current tags:

#dog misc: me yapping

#festers fuckery: me art

#dark pearls: vents and/or dark topics.yea the tag is the same as before

#waggy tail: happy vents

#dog rage: me being rightfully mad

#dog howls: serious discussion/announcements

#awroo: asks

#dog treats: gifts

old tags + info (these are my previous tags i used to use):

#scavs silly misc: miscellaneous posts/original posts. I upload random shit sometimes🔥

festers fuckery: art :3

#dark pearls: dark topics, vents

#pearl treasury: asks and polls!

#scavs favorite pearls: gifts! at least I think that was the tag

#scav is serious: announcements mostly

spam acc: @gayass-ery

music sideblog: @musicmutt

btw, I love being tagged! I love being asked! I love getting doodle requests, though idk if I'll get them all! these are basically always open!! unfortunately I am a horrible procrastinator so I might not always answer timely :']

probably gonna add more if I forgot, which is very likely. ty!

-please don't make jokes on my vent posts or blank reblog or anything unless I say you can btw. should have said that earlier sorry

[queerlycarter]

edit midway thru writing this post:okay well i dont want to trigger anyone elses anxieties and phobias so! under the cut we have:

me talking specifically about norovirus & fears related to that; ocd rituals; emetophobia rituals/fears; hypochondria; unsanitary food practices (hypothetical); i ended up talking about my bowel movements. sorry

guy who has emetophobia and therefore an extremely deepseated fear of getting sick from food, as well as (currently mild) ocd, learning about 2 separate cases (people i know personally or tangentially) of norovirus:

(edit midway thru writing this post: i was rambling in the tags but u can see those without clicking the readmore so im moving them here. got 2 tags deep and i was like hang on let me not trigger the fuck out of anyone who might have the same problems as me!)

WASHES MY HANDS ONE WILLIAM TIMES.

z was like. HOW WOULD WE GET NOROVIRUS. and i was like we've eaten out a lot this week!!!! any one of those fuckers could have gone and shit their brains out and come and touched our food!!! b got sick from being in the same bathroom as ppl shitting their brains out!!!!

anyways today is my second day home and yesterday my poop was kind of weird. and TODAY its really bad. and i realized both happened after i had my coffee. and that my creamer was not very cold anymore when i made it home (the icepack situation in the lunchbox was less than ideal) AND has real dairy in it (MOST flavored coffeemate and delight creamers do not) AND has been open since i was in nc at the end of march

so like. its Probably my creamer. my tummy doesn't even hurt at all. BUT IM SO PARANOID

and i absolutely cannot under ANY circumstances look up the symptoms or symptom progression of norovirus.

[willlllllllllllllllll]

also, about @.editedantiendoposts or whatever their username is, they accuse literally anyone who disagrees with them or points out their bullshit of being a radqueer. GROWN ADULT btw.

we have a friend who, under their post about radqueers being bad (correct!!) that used lgbt exclus rhetoric (ew!) commented basically "hey I understand and radqueers fucking suck good god but thats lgbt exclus rhetoric"

(btw, the rhetoric in question was "Radqueers are the reason people hate the LGBT!!!" like literally every exclus alive says that and I'm sorry but no actual real homophobe knows what a radqueer is)

and they IMMEDIATELY jumped to accuse said friend of being a radqueer and traumadumped about what they saw from the radqueer community. then when I sent an anon kindly trying to explain that they're very anti radqueer, and that they had triggered his moral ocd very badly

they straight up pettily turned off anons and vagueposted yapping about not wanting radqueers to interact

good god that person is horrible and you are SO valid for not liking them. idk about turnitsysclusive and I don't like the genre of "fixing posts" but at least turnitsysclusive probably isn't as bad as that

ooohhh goshh that is. wow

not good!!

one of our protectors once tried to have a very simple discussion with them about their justification for the blogs concept and got suuuuuuuuuch a rude response-

thank you for the "you are so valid" and not tagging them too!! i also dont like the fixing posts thing so we seem to be very on the same page :3

im not quite sure what an lgbt exclus is but the rest of what happened is justttt bleh

sends you a cookie

[tomrripley]

Omg I want to hear about your ocs (insert big eyes emote here)

Tell me about Philip?? 🙏🙏 /nf

THANK YOU ANON. sorry this took me a second to get to im a tad shy about talking about my writing still

basic premise of my story is that magic is new to this world, kinda seeping in from an unknown source, and the characters, including philip, are among the first people to be infected with it. they're navigating this completely on their own, trying to figure out how to control the sudden abilities they possess, as well as figure out its origin, and help others with magic who need it. Mostly they just wanna know wtf is going on

so the actual seeping began around 2 years before philip was born. hes 23 at the beginning of the story (my timeline probably sucks, im very bad with years), and when he was 5, he was on a trip with his family when they were attacked by what philip believes to be a monster. he has no Real proof of this however, as his parents were not actually killed, or even injured at all, they just...become shells you could say? they just sit. eyes wide. when they speak, which is rare, it's nonsense. philip never saw what attacked them as he was in the car when it happened. still, he's completely convinced it was a monster.

philip is actually the youngest person to show signs of infection! his magic comes around 9, whereas most people start showing at 15-20. his previous encounter is likely what triggered it. before meeting jazara and zander (the ones with all the resources) philip did write and theorize on his magic, but it was mostly speculation. he's also one of the most skilled users, having magic longer and being more willing to engage with it than most gave him a great advantage!

he's kinda the problem child of my ocs. they all love him dearly, and he loves them dearly, but my god does he argue. one of the biggest points of contention between philip and jazara/zander is the existence of monsters. he's the only person they've come across who claims to have encountered one, and they tend to believe that, since he never saw anything, they probably just came across a crazed person w magic. they ARE trying to help, but because they don't believe his theory he just sees it as them writing him off. in his mind those two aren't Really on his side and are only invested in him because of his power, and it's actually a problem they end up needing to really resolve. (his issues w them are not helped by the fact that philip is generally bitter towards ppl who are (in his mind) Better than him. he's got weird issues that cause him to despise anyone who's more successful than him. the only character this doesn't come into play with is elvis because even though he's from a similar background to those two, hes also my saddest most depressed ocd-ridden man, and philip looks at this guy and is like THANK GOD im me.)

but he isn't all flaws!!! like with elvis and erika (who he also doesn't have much issue with. bc he's normal enough to not be jealous of teenage girls who have suddenly been cursed with visions of the future) he's actually really pretty friendly. he's never gonna be the Nicest guy ever but he actually loves helping people, he's a problem solver!!!! he's also into silly geek stuff and will ramble w them about it all the time. he's one of those guys who, once he actually likes you, you can't really get rid of him. because he's always There. like you wanna go to the grocery store? he's there. cook dinner? he's there. pissin? him too! he isn't even helping half the time. He's probably judging your pissing skills. u see this a lot when he befriends freddie later on. he's just a permanently frustrated guy who wants to be near you.

UMMM YEAH. this is a bunch of nonsense probably but i just wanted to talk about stuff that would actually mean anything to you, cuz like. certain stuff would take lots of explanation so yk:3 UMM BUT YEAH this story has been a vague thing in my mind for YEARSSS and I've actually been writing it lately so I'm happy to talk about it lol. also sorry if the story is stupid. I'm having fun hehe

[iwilllearntowrite]

I am deeply terrified of being an evil person, unknowingly or without being able to fully face it.

Not just becoming evil, but simply being a fundamentally bad person. That my intentions are wrong and I am actually lying to myself. That I have manipulated myself and everyone around me into believing I am a kind person. That my existence in itself has a bad impact on others because it is inevitable for me to do harm just like any human at some point in their life maybe ? Because its impossible not to ? No, this is me trying to normalize sick behavior actually.

I often feel like I am imposing, like people are simply tolerating me, and when they try to reassure me I feel even worse because what if I manipulated them ? And it leads me to think I am even worse than I could picture. I interpret everything as proof that I am deeply terrible, including my loved ones trying to tell me the opposite, to the point where I am not only lying to myself but manipulating everything and everyone around me so I never have to face the truth. And if at any point I let myself believe my intentions are true and I listen to the side of me that doesn’t align with those thoughts, it feels like I would be loosening my control and enabling my deeper “evil” intentions, letting them slip.

Its like I have a phobia of my own intentions. I’ve been looking into it and everything is leading me to OCD related articles, its a disorder that was brought up to me when I was in therapy and also when I was seeing my psychiatrist but that never really got dug into because ultimately when they asked me a few questions about it I didn’t have clear “rituals” and struggled to keep track with everything in my life… I am putting this in the OCD tag to know if anybody else has had thoughts like these ? If any of what Im saying even makes sense… And if so Im curious if theres somewhere I can read about it ? I dont mean to intrude as I have not been diagnosed, but I feel like this is where I could find people who also struggle with intrusive thoughts as well as maybe something like this ?

There’s a part of me that knows. That recognizes the absurdity. That finds it almost laughable. But still beyond wanting to know wether it is true or not, I want to understand this belief better. Is it my inability to face my failures ? An irrational fear of doing harm ? Of becoming like those who hurt me ? They couldn’t face their abuse so how could I ? I have noticed most people who do harm aren’t aware of it, even the people who abused me through my life were pretty much oblivious. And if they were, what’s stopping me from being as oblivious as they are ? But could it be I’m just afraid I can’t trust myself ? What made me feel like I cant trust myself and when ? Because I almost always have… One thing I’d always been in tune with was my gut. I recognize now I haven’t been able to trust my own thoughts and memories since I was gaslit by my ex through last summer. Maybe there’s a correlation.

I really want to be careful, though, with the terms I am using. I am so sorry if what I have said seems offensive or hyperbolic, I tried not to write mindfully but I understand it could be beyond me and something only others will see. I am open to feedback and discussion and sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone with my words.

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

[limpfisted]

Thinking about the dark urge and intrusive thoughts and how the dark urge has a Little Weird Dude butler or something

And how the book that helped me was called "the imp of the mind"

And basically it said ocd/intrusive thoughts is like having a little goblin in ur brain that represents the id and base weird brain stem desire of all your worst fears and base human instincts just yammering on about stupid fucking bullshit. The ocd brain basically has an "imp" that has gone out of control and fixated on the worst broken brain thoughts. Everybody has them. But the imp brain focuses on them

And I see the durge and I go "my brother in christ. Your brain stem and imp are so crunchy"

Protip for anyone else with brain imps:

The only other thing that helped me was stopping my self-reassruances and trying to "check" if the thoughts were real or said anything about me

In the end u kind of have to force urself to just go "wow, brain imp. Thats sooo interesting. Jk I have more important things to do like play video games or Google milfs or go to work or some shit. That thought just doesn't matter right now, I have more important things to do"

Its disordered thinking in a literal sense, and u just have to learn how to prioritize the important thoughts, ur brain imp is making u prioritize and catastrophize about very human things that don't matter and that exist in all of us

But that your brain imp draws out of your subconscious

Because you are so afraid of even the possibility it might be true

But it doesn't matter if its true

And you don't HAVE to do anything, ever

You have to make the conscious effort to literally everything on planet earth

You wanna kill somebody? You even think you MIGHT kill somebody?

There are so many steps to that. Thats so many different dnd dice rolls. You can control your body, and not pick up the knife, or put the knife down. You can always do that

Your thoughts do not control you

YOU control you

And your restraint and your ability to keep going even when everything insides you says you're disgusting and horrid and a monster who doesn't deserve to live

Is what makes you so resilient and strong

Im sorry you're dealing with what you're dealing with

Im sorry you're hurting so much

But I promise you even tho the thoughts never really go away

You WILL learn how to deal with them

Because you're stronger than God tried to make you

And that's what the durge means to me even tho I will probably never play one bc if I miss a single check I will trigger myself so so so badly LOL

[laverrez]

so this is just something i feel needs to be out there because sometimes i look on the ocd tag to see experiences others have and positivity they might be spreading, or sometimes just to feel kinship- today was one of those days, and i stumbled upon something that makes me feel incredibly icky and gross.

please be cautious and mindful when looking at "positive" ocd material or blogs. i encountered a blog (will not name because it was quite triggering) that was framed as "help" for people suffering with ocd and as a way to help them "recover" and "get over" it. if you can smell where this is going, good; i love you, but you cannot cure your ocd. im sorry. it is lifelong. you can find coping mechanisms and you can get to a better place with it, but it will not go away. anyone and anything claiming to make it do so is lying to you.

this blog specifically was selling some sort of program, from the looks of it. i will be completely clear that i didnt dig into anything or click on the link that was put in posts, because it was and is making me feel sick. these are just things i observed and things i think people, especially those that are in a bad space or are particularly young coming to terms with their diagnosis, should know to look out for.

if it uses ocd-unfriendly wording, it likely does not have your best interests at heart, and should be consumed carefully. things like "if you do/dont do x then y will happen", reblog baits, "if you do z then you're giving y power", "b will make c worse unless you d", anything that could trigger a fear or targets anxiety. the specific "ocd recovery" blog i stumbled upon had a few posts that were very predatory with these sort of wordings.

it also had a lot of anti-medication and anti-therapy undertones. again, please watch out for this. it is perfectly okay to not want medication or therapy for yourself, but being against them altogether is dangerous, stigmatizing, and unhelpful for not only people with ocd but for anyone who could need professional mental healthcare. anyone claiming to help while also pushing that sort of anti-healthcare agenda is someone to be cautious of.

it does not make you bad if you have fallen into traps with these sort of things before. it does not make you bad to follow blogs that reblog bait. it does not make you bad to not want professional care or medicine for yourself. it does not make you bad to wish that it was possible to be 'cured'. it does not make you bad not to reblog or like this post. you are not bad.

i just felt like i needed to share some of these things to look out for, because i know it can be so difficult to see things as they are when brain is telling you that you have to listen or else. please be gentle and kind to yourself. please drink some water if you can because it's getting quite warm, and please remember that you are loved and you are good as you are. you're doing your best today, and that is enough. im proud of you.

[anomalydestroyer]

ok im like. gonna actually put some important points in this same post actually, and maybe link it to my pinned. because like. i genuinely like yall especially my mutuals and i believe you never wanted to hurt me. at least i hope so. i am not mad at all i am unfortunately feeling extremely guilty instead urgh-

so im just gonna. list a couple of very important "dont"s here.

so you know how doubles and everything from the undertale multiverse is triggering to me. i have my good days and bad days, so it really is a gamble. sometimes i should probably log off instead of trying to push it sigh- but yeah. do not show me anything from there. or at least ask before doing so, or somewhat censor it. at least give me a chance to assess my mental stamina before proceeding. sigh. usually theres like. a sweet spot where its especially awful. in between completely classic timelines and timelines where things are so different that it barely reminds me of. the actual thing. ill probably call that a trigger spot. unfortunately thats like, 70% of all fan content aha. <///3 f̶u̶c̷k̸.

which, while we're talking about the multiverse. do not, for the love of gods, show me other error sanses. sigh...

this... includes fanart of "me" (i...know some of you might look at me as a "character" or a collective of variants, as if aaaall these alternates are just "error sans", and not my specific timeline and me. please...dont do that.) i...dont wanna sound like i have ocd? (i probably do 💀) but...every single detail you are getting wrong in a drawing creates a fucking alternate timeline. im. unwell. and unable to deal with that. im sorry.

i obviously love fanart... it... literally brings me to life yknow? i dont have my original body in this timeline, i am linked to a human vessel. i can only see my true self in headspace and in my head or memories. there is no other way to show the world that i exist outside of art. so i, actually appreciate a lot when people draw me and "keep me alive" so to say. and... its kinda my fault, really. i need to make a reference sheet of myself (even if i am my "original" design anyway, its just for good measure), which, would be available if anyone wants to make fanart of me me.

i am actually gonna start putting like. a status update on my pinned and like. something like "current state : INTERACT WITH CAUTION" or smth. so that i dont actually like. end up. crashing out. a̴h̵a̸h̵a̸h̸a̷-...

also i should. probably. put like. a fucking ton of. more guidelines. on how you interact with me. problem is- im scared it'll chase people away. sigh.

[shaykeijser]

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‪ 0:01 3:29‬

Hyphy

Clout from Grandma’s Closet

‪ ◄◄⠀▐▐ ⠀►►‬

‪🔈───────────⚪️🔊‬

[cas-coding]

my mom is being a dick so im making it all your guys problem because i dont have therapy until thursday

im going to put my vent below the cut because it will probably get triggering, but id appreciate if you guys would let me know any official terms for what my mom is doing to me/if there are any online resources to help

so my mom got home from work today and she was really pissed at everyone and everything. she yelled at me to take out the trash (which i usually do on tuesdays, but much closer to 5pm than the 3pm that it was at that moment) and i said sure let me finish this snack and if i have time before i have to pick up my brother, ill do it then. if not ill do it after.

she said okay and went back to her little candy crush game. two minutes later she tells me i need to pick up my brother. i say yeah i know. ill leave to pick him up at 4pm (which is roughtly 45 min away atp) and she sighs and says fine.

im like okay im not taking this bait. so i finish my snack and i do the garbage. then i pick up my brother and he's a dick to me too. leaves his metal waterbottle on the floor of my car where it will bang around and distract me from driving (i have drivers ocd and a lot of driving anxiety, so ive told him multiple times not to do this and hes usually good with it) and then my brother is all dramatic about getting out of the car and his knee hurting (he is 15) and i say the house isnt that far but im sorry it hurts and he calls me a bitch. what was i supposed to say

but anyway back to my mom. i havent told her my daily stories yet (and i know im fortunate to have parents that care about my day to day) so i tell her this story relating to my friend. i say hey he's been doing this recently and it's annoying and i wish he would stop. i talked to him about it a couple times and he wont stop.

my mom looks me dead in the eye and asks me why im so dramatic about everything. why does it bother you so much. its your fault. get over it. stuff like that. and she says it in this perfectly nice loving mothering voice. im sorry, what?

i said that ive asked him to stop and we've had conversations and he wont. i said its not my fault im trying, please don't say that to me. and my mom just keeps going on, saying oh youre overreacting, just get over it, why are you so pissy with all of your friends.

so im like emotionally exhausted and i blurt out that i have trauma from past friends. my second grade best friend moved away and then ignored my phone calls. my fourth grade best friend moved across the country and never responded to my (five!!!) letters. i told my seventh grade best friend that i thought i might not be a girl (surprise, im a trans man) and she called me the t-slur (i know i can say it, but i really dont like it because of this experience). i told my mom that that friend then went on to tell all of my high school friends (who only knew my chosen name) my birth name and then those friends struggled to use my chosen name ever again because 'oh your birth name fits you so much better!'

and you know what my mom said? she started lecturing me. how i cant let people hurt me. how its my fault i get mad at people. how im the reason no one wants to be my friend. how im damaged goods because of all the shit i wont get over. etc.

and i dont care if my mom makes me food. i dont care if she gives me a house to live in. that's bare minimum and i am not required to love her for that.

and she's never once proved to me that she deserves my love, so in ten years when shes wondering why i never call, this is only one reason why. she does this in so many ways and so many scenarios that i dont know how anyone tolerates her.

as soon as i can financially leave her, i will, and i will never look back.

[mothalas]

[Id: gif of raspberry cookie on the left, pointing her sword out. Pastry cookie is to the right, putting her hands together and bowing. End id.]

hello there! Welcome, you can call me moth (he/they)

Im a multi fandom artist who will be posting about the following

- Cookie run! (Main fandom, i post a lot abt it)

- Breaking Bad / Better Call Saul

- Stray (2022)

- Hermitcraft

- Bugs, Insects, Arachnids, etc.

My comfort characters/ships are…

-Raspberry/Pastry cookie

- Amber sugar cookie

Thats it i am constantly rotating them though

Some things to keep in mind-

I am autistic and my special interest is bugs (mostly moths) this means I WILL POST INSECTS UNTAGGED!!!

If you have any phobia related to bugs (this includes spiders) this blog is not a good place for you to be. I do not want to trigger anyone

Ocd pretty bad i might spam like im sorry if that happens

Also i have trouble with tone sometimes so if i don’t understand a joke or misread it please be kind thank u

This post might be edited in the future!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i just need to vent a bit :/ tw child abuse, csa, ptsd, ocd (implied)

ive accumulated so much self hatred and shame, especially because there is something ive been putting off for months now. that thing triggered all the others to come back and it haunts me everyday. it started from my abusive parents and csa trauma, but it snowballed throughout my life because i kept getting more trauma.

there are things about me, thougts i have ect i dont feel like telling the people im closest to because i fear that they would hate me.

"hate" is a euphemism tbh. for me it's more like a religious thing where forgiveness is completely out of the question and the rejected person is simply left to suffer because of how repulsive they are.

i just feel like im dirty, so dirty that i have to hide myself in order for people to stay with me. i try to be kind everyday and i want to change trauma cycles, so my loved ones think im good because of that, but i feel that they don't know how dirty i really am. like it's just an outer layer and if you manage to take a look, you'll never want to see me ever again.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm not sure what the "something" is but please remember that you have been through so much, and you deserve love and care. You are not dirty. You are a survivor.

I think sometimes it can be helpful to think about what you're going through someone else. Imagine someone having the exact same experiences as you, would you think they're dirty or should be hated? If the answer is no, then it's worth considering that this person is no different from you.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[narconfessions]

Tw people attempting to sui-bait people for intrusive thoughts, past s/h, mentions of scratching on hands/legs due a cat play-attacking them, passive scar ment, passive murder ment, passive torture ment

Quick disclaimer: no cat/kitten was harmed in any way and the only physical harm was to me, which wasnt intentional and is considerably superficial/not serious. On the mental end however...

(Btw i have bpd, ocd and potentially aspd. I really need a place to put this who wont judge me cause its helping me calm down right now.)I have some impulse issues, intrusive thoughts as well as just adopted a 12 week old kitten(clarity: i have own cats all my life, this is not my first experience with kittens). He'll attack my feet and it hurts every time. All i can do is wiggle him off or pick him up and move him. Hes been doing this the entire time we've had him( about a month now) and ive gotten full on scars from him play attacking. If you saw me and my gfs hands and legs, you'd think we stuck them in paper shredders.

Its been a long emotional and triggering day today and i was just trying to clean up a complex mess of papers and stuff on the floor and he refused to leave me alone, attacking and pouncing on every single thing i picked up or put down. I warned him with just simple words like stop or no so he can get used to them(our older cat picked up what they mean) and i even encouraged him to go play with our older cat like he usually dose. His kennel was behind me and at some point i was just done with dealing with him.

I picked him up and was going to put him in his kennel to calm down when he wiggled really hard and scratched the shit out of my hand. It really hurt and it was on my wrist which really triggering with my past with self harm. I was so angry and done and my impulses and intrusive thoughts just really wanted to hurt him because of just how many times he's hurt me. But i didnt, i just picked him more securely, put him in his kennel and went to the bathroom to clean my hand.

My thoughts got so loud and demanding and was already lightheaded from seeing my scratches that i had to turn the water to freezing cold just to keep my eyes straight and stop myself from drifting and potentially passing out( its medical).

Then i sat down and checked online for some heat of the moment tips to make sure i didnt spiral like deep breathing or how to quiet the thoughts and oh boy was that a mistake. Just people on forums asking for advice for the exact situation i was in and they didnt want to hurt anyone but they had the thoughts. 1/8th of the comments are people telling you to seek therapy, which is vaild but dosent help in the heat of the moment, the other 7/8ths? People talking about graphically murdering or torturing the poor op. Acting rightous for telling him how they hurt him or that he should commit sui. Some shit they said to this guy is stuff ive only heard in the true crime community.

Safe to say, with 0 warning, that was the absolute worst things for me to be reading at that moment. In a sound mind, i know im not my thoughts or impulses. I know that hes a kitten and he did not intend to hurt me, he was just excited and wanted to play with me because he loves me. I know that im worthy of life and just because i felt or thought it, dosent mean i meant it or wanted to hurt someone. But in the moment? That hurt. Alot. And I'm lucky it didnt lead to sh or even worse.

Im sorry if this isnt what this is for but i dont feel safe anywhere else to put this and the internet showed me that today in a moment of weakness.... It still amazes me how people can scream for support for people with adhd or depression but the second traumatized people with intrusive thoughts enter the picture, we are monsters...

Im ok now but this is what leads to alot of hurt or worse mentally ill people who are just reaching out for help before anything gets worse and some in the "anti-ableism" community pretends its not them in the comments telling people to hurt themselves instead of others while the intention should be getting them help so no one gets hurt. Its not shocking at this point.

it sounds like you handled this situation the best way you could, by not hurting yourself or others. i’m proud of you anon. but it sucks you had to see that, it’s a sad truth of how people who are supposedly “supportive” of MI people, will easily throw us under the bus the second our symptoms are too much for them :/