iwilllearntowrite

[iwilllearntowrite]

ruth st. denis’s jewelled hands

[iwilllearntowrite]

I have so mych to say I am going to explode i need an outlet i need friends i need to feel like its not all wasted i need to get it out I need a trace

[iwilllearntowrite]

I hate men

Every single bad thing a human can do to another, besides murder, men have done to me.

The grief and rage is vast and deep and keeps expanding

My final straw. The only man I ever really trusted wholeheartedly, whom I dated for 4 and a half years, the only one I felt completely safe and transparent with, revealed to me a week ago (we have been broken up for almost a year) that he cheated on me and hid it from me for three years.

Bizarrely this isnt even the worst thing that’s been done to me. But after the year of debilitating pain he’s put me through, that final blow was just

[iwilllearntowrite]

Je ne me sens vraiment pas bien

Je me sens sale quand je pense à tous les hommes avec qui j’ai été intime

Profondément sale

Et faible… si facilement re façonnée par le non moi

Pas un mur entre deux pièces, mais un drap accroché dehors

Je suis fatiguée

Je regrette de m’être encore donnée et faite avoir. D’avoir espéré… De si facilement m’abandonner à l’affection. A mon envie d’aimer et d’être aimée

Quel homme a su me respecter comme il se doit ?

Je me sens sale.

Je me suis laissée choisir et utilisée.

Je ne laisserai jamais le monde me faire regretter d’avoir voulu faire confiance, d’avoir choisi d’être vulnérable et d’aller vers l’autre malgré les risques.

Les reproches vont vers celui qui ne m’a pas prise en considération.

[iwilllearntowrite]

He came back. Said he didnt mean it

Doesnt even seem to remember it

It boosted me for a bit and now i find myself once again falling in slow motion, face first into the ground

[iwilllearntowrite]

How could you say those things about me ?

[iwilllearntowrite]

I believed myself to be secretly evil and now I gave myself proof. I've pushed everyone away even my best friend. I'm so beyond my limits. I've completely lost touch with myself, my behaviour and self control ... The social cues I already had so much trouble reading are impossible for me now. Wether it be the social cues I give off and those I'm given. I've become a steamroller

I never wanted to hurt or bother anyone ever I swear. I promise it on my life. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to behave.

[iwilllearntowrite]

[iwilllearntowrite]

I fear you wrecked my perception beyond repair

[iwilllearntowrite]

I bet you don’t even think of me anymore

[iwilllearntowrite]

I want to remain human above all

[iwilllearntowrite]

I miss you terribly. I wonder what you're up to, you seem to have grown so much the past few months and I'm so sad I dont get to be there to watch you grow and transform. It's been a blessing to have gotten to be there for so long... And it really saddens me that a breakup was ultimately needed for some things to move forward in our lives. I kept trying to make it fit with the relationship, but I couldn't and I kept putting it off... And I am so sorry things went that way. It hurts to think you feel I abandoned us, that I didn't try or feel like it. That the relationship is something only you fought for, and wanted. I am so sorry I made you feel that way. I am so terribly sorry. It is truly the opposite of my intentions and it pains me that so many of my thoughts and feeling didnt, and couldn't, reflect in my behaviour. I am so sorry for how I have acted, and how I have not. I promise I tried. I never meant to act in malice toward you, or do wrong by you. I know it is inevitable to hurt and cause hurt. I am not trying to avoid that truth. I just want to make crystal clear I did my best to make sure my intentions toward you always came from a place of love.

I love you infinitely, and I want to keep rooting for you... Missing you is not new to me, I missed you even when we were together, but my longing and heartbreak keeps reaching new depths, each harder to describe. I am trying to untie a knot with my elbows. My love for you is beyond me, and it almost always was... It feels so cruel to both you and me.

I'm so sorry that we had to breakup, it was never something I wished for. And I know you didnt either. It was something that needed to happen and that we needed to face. I wonder how you see it now, what you would say to that statement. You've been so unpredictable... I'm scared to never know you again. I'm sorry. Words really do fail me, and I fail them. I failed you as well.

It was such an honour to get to be with you, to know you, to be in your life and watch you grow. Thank you for the gift of your presence, know that that was always more than enough for me.

God I wish you could've felt my love. You are etched in my skull and the home I made for you in my heart, a castle and its maze, remains. I clean it up and watch over it still. I walk and sleepwalk around it sometimes. There are too many rooms I struggled to open wide, or never dared to.

It paralyses me to think c

[iwilllearntowrite]

“I must start to build again after this long period of anguish and despair. […] Keep silent—and have confidence in myself.”

— Albert Camus, from Notebooks 1935-1951; circa March 1936

[iwilllearntowrite]

I feel like I am constantly at my breaking point.

I’m sitting in a tilted chair, balancing myself, falling backwards. And in a loop plays the moment before right before I (and it) hit the ground. I never hit the ground but it feels like I do ever time.

To be stuck in a loop. To re experience my own incapacity and limitations, my fragility over and over in a moment where it all feels beyond me… I guess that’s what I’m trying to say with the image of the chair falling.

I have been beyond my limits almost constantly, in a state of hyper vigilance and tension for several years, if not most of my life and it is getting exhausted

[iwilllearntowrite]

I am deeply terrified of being an evil person, unknowingly or without being able to fully face it.

Not just becoming evil, but simply being a fundamentally bad person. That my intentions are wrong and I am actually lying to myself. That I have manipulated myself and everyone around me into believing I am a kind person. That my existence in itself has a bad impact on others because it is inevitable for me to do harm just like any human at some point in their life maybe ? Because its impossible not to ? No, this is me trying to normalize sick behavior actually.

I often feel like I am imposing, like people are simply tolerating me, and when they try to reassure me I feel even worse because what if I manipulated them ? And it leads me to think I am even worse than I could picture. I interpret everything as proof that I am deeply terrible, including my loved ones trying to tell me the opposite, to the point where I am not only lying to myself but manipulating everything and everyone around me so I never have to face the truth. And if at any point I let myself believe my intentions are true and I listen to the side of me that doesn’t align with those thoughts, it feels like I would be loosening my control and enabling my deeper “evil” intentions, letting them slip.

Its like I have a phobia of my own intentions. I’ve been looking into it and everything is leading me to OCD related articles, its a disorder that was brought up to me when I was in therapy and also when I was seeing my psychiatrist but that never really got dug into because ultimately when they asked me a few questions about it I didn’t have clear “rituals” and struggled to keep track with everything in my life… I am putting this in the OCD tag to know if anybody else has had thoughts like these ? If any of what Im saying even makes sense… And if so Im curious if theres somewhere I can read about it ? I dont mean to intrude as I have not been diagnosed, but I feel like this is where I could find people who also struggle with intrusive thoughts as well as maybe something like this ?

There’s a part of me that knows. That recognizes the absurdity. That finds it almost laughable. But still beyond wanting to know wether it is true or not, I want to understand this belief better. Is it my inability to face my failures ? An irrational fear of doing harm ? Of becoming like those who hurt me ? They couldn’t face their abuse so how could I ? I have noticed most people who do harm aren’t aware of it, even the people who abused me through my life were pretty much oblivious. And if they were, what’s stopping me from being as oblivious as they are ? But could it be I’m just afraid I can’t trust myself ? What made me feel like I cant trust myself and when ? Because I almost always have… One thing I’d always been in tune with was my gut. I recognize now I haven’t been able to trust my own thoughts and memories since I was gaslit by my ex through last summer. Maybe there’s a correlation.

I really want to be careful, though, with the terms I am using. I am so sorry if what I have said seems offensive or hyperbolic, I tried not to write mindfully but I understand it could be beyond me and something only others will see. I am open to feedback and discussion and sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone with my words.

[iwilllearntowrite]

I miss him so much and it is so unfair for me to say. He never, in our four and half years together, was able to integrate and feel my love for him to tell him now seems to only hurt him more as if I am starting to feel things he’s been waiting for me to feel and Xpress for years as if they are just coming up now that we are not together, and he is far away from me, but they have always been there. I am looking back on the relationship and remembering the deep feelings I had, and all of the moments I expressed it along with the moments I could’ve expressed it more. It hurts to know my love never reached him and the way he treats. It sometimes makes me wonder if it even did exist. If I’m lying to myself I’m trying to cover up a cruel reality where he adored me, and I felt nothing in comparison. But I adored him there is no question or doubt in my mind in my mind about it. As I say those words out loud, I feel tears and my throat swelling up. I have never loved anybody like I loved him and saying it in the past tense doesn’t feel right. I love him. I miss coming back to my room and seeing him playing under covers. I miss seeing him showing up at all hours of the day how gently he would greet me. I miss seeing him get flustered and excited. Our kisses were so heavenly. It felt like we were made for each other, and sometimes kissing him felt so unreal and divine it was impossible to process. I felt like I couldn’t ever compute the reality I was living in fully with him.

My love for him was beyond me.

[iwilllearntowrite]

I am in so much pain. I’m so frustrated and overwhelmed so damn tired yet I persist. I’m hoping for better days though right now it is hard to picture them. I miss him and I miss him and I miss her and I miss him and I miss them. My heart is heavy with yearning. Continuous deep and painful yearning. Yearning for a better health. Yearning for peace. Peace and clarity for all. For everything to slow down. For more mindfulness. Less cruelty. I am so afraid of taking part and contributing to more unnecessary cruelty. I am paralyzed. Wishing. Regretting. Regretting is some thing I’m never want to do. But denying my thoughts and current feelings is worse to me. So I am regretting. I will let go of this regret soon I don’t see much of a purpose for it. He does not contribute to my drive to be better feel better, and generally contribute to betterment. I’m saying nonsense aren’t I? I am so rushed to be better and I have been always. Where has that lead me? I am learning what I need right now is simply to face and acknowledge the state of things, as they are right now and resist the urge to fast forward change. Be in the here and now. Listen to this discomfort.  I have always been aware, but never fully accepted, sometimes rejected the idea of things needing time to build up, of taking it step-by-step. Recovery has been so so long, especially when I compare it to what I expected it to be which was a month at best and has now turned into five years. Five years and still fighting. Having a disability really does feel sometimes like a betrayal. Having not been born with it, I really struggle with the idea of excepting that this is just the way things are, and have been for me. I keep dismissing what’s happening to me, all the while feeling like I am victimizing myself. Unjustly judging my struggles is bigger than what they might be, basically in validating my experience. I keep focusing on how much better things could be always. Moments where I feel like where I am at in my recovery is enough and actually impressive are few and far between. It’s hard also to let go of the image recovery that is always a straight line going upwards. Last summer I climbed mountains and was able to keep up hiking with my friends. The past three or four months, I have barely been able to take 2000 steps without being afraid of fainting on most days. Granted it is much better than when I was out unable to even get to my kitchen for six months. I still have days like that that. Always comes back what is shorter and not continuous like it was then. I do see you light sometimes but I am realizing it’s far I still have a long way to go and a lot of work. It is so daunting sometimes. But I will do it. Will get to where I want to be what I deserve is on its way to me. I am actively building the paths.