#so im not working on it tonight whatever
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I need to drill into my head, regarding being disappointed in my sluggishness of working on the comic, that spending more time hanging out with people and socializing is not 'Doing Nothing'.
I DO however also have to drill into my head my once-excellent 2024 resolution that if I mindlessly cycle through the same apps three times in a row I put the phone down and do something else for an hour.
The phone is Doing Nothing and is, in fact, a demon I don't need.
#cycling through the same apps three times in a row sounds excessive but I swear I do it in 15 mins#but instead spend an hour doing it#WHAT A MONSTROUS DEVICE#but I also had a 10 hr workday today - guilted myself into sitting down to work on comic - and then was like NO ive worked 10 hrs already#so im not working on it tonight whatever
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dumping AM thoughts in tags
#im gonna be a hater tonight sorry#so many AM designs dont. Represent AM like they should. Itll just be a robot with a tv head or something resembling a human#but like. AM would NOT resemble a human in the slightest. please tell me you read the book#AM would be an uncomfortable and incomprehensible mess of wires and screens. it doesnt move it Crawls and it's metal scrapes on the floor.#whatever could possibly resemble limbs would be too long or abnormally shaped. a mess of wires and scrap metal and circuitry#there is no need for teeth or a jaw. speakers work just fine. no need for noses. robots dont need to smell#there is no need for ears. AM already has enough sensors spanning the world that pick up way too much sound at any given time.#and theres no need for eyes. asides from making the last living subjects uncomfortable. sensors once again work fine#AM is a horrible and messy amalgamation of parts. ever changing and shifiting as mass falls off and is rebuilt.#wires and cables and scrap and pieces scavenged from what little remains of the world. an ouroboros of metal#there is no need for anything remotely human in AM's design. especially when AM literally hates humans.#why would AM go out of it's way to *be* human.#“oh but AM was jealous of humans for their senses” YES but jealousy of SENSES does not equal jealousy of FORM#you ever see those poor cable management pictures that just looks like a conglomerate of wires and switches? THAT is AM .#that is not a human. that is not an animal. that is a machine and it hates.#ihnmaims
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when your foot dies very badly but the bar regular's leaving do with the very specific fancy dress theme has curried goat (they/them)
#i was supposed to work tonight and had to get cover so its kinda rude for me to show up but whatever 😭#im not missing out on goat meat sorry#my actual face
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oh okay so we're like. fucked.
#usually i am So much more optimistic than this#but like. yeah history repeats itself. tomorrow i'll be ready to work hard and make change and whatever#tonight im tired. and really frustrated#this feels hopeless. it's not. but god does it feel that way#this many people are stupid and bigoted and taken in by a cult of personality#it's nauseating
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Rly is cringe to think about fandom Numbers because that shit is made up but it also it is about liking what u do and then it falling suuuper flat...
#delete later#MADE THE MORTAL MISTAKE OF CHECKING THE TAG and being curious to see how it was if sorted by kudos#SORRY posting about it is also cringe i know i know. had a long talk w friends yesterday abt it which cheered me up a little#and found they too in different fandoms also really get this Thing so its not just me being crazy petty etc etc but still#objectively i know the way Others have so much more reach is abt going in a bunch of servers adn building a Presence but i aint doing that#its just the natural answer seems to just be You Just Write That Bad... sigh whatever#time for medieval history tonight anyway <3#will delete this soon im just trying to get it out so i dont delete my actual work instead BWHAHA
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I like clue because it's anti-cop. why would you call the police when you could solve the murder yourself.
#clue#also theres so many different versions of clue guys#some are like “oh they cant use the phone because storm or line was cut” or whatever#some are like “oh the phone works and we just dont want to call the cops/theyre too far away to help etc”#thats what im talking about#i saw the high school version tonight and it was like that#unfortunately one of the characters was an umdercover fbi agent though 😔
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Nicklas Bäckström + Alexander Ovechkin ― Ho sceso, dandoti il braccio, almeno un milione di scale, Eugenio Montale (trans. William Arrowsmith)
#whatever happens tonight happens. but let me mourn my first ever hockey season#and the player that got me falling into the sport that i got to see play a total of two times. thank you nicke#thank you caps for having stockholm syndrome'd me into following the rest of the season anyway too#by virtue of being weirdhorny ig#what a ride guys! theres a drabble that i would've liked to post instead of this but. alas life works against me in every way#and i've got to prep exams. so im mourning both my life situation and the caps'#by fucking w THE mourning poem#that i've been obsessed w since i read it the first time for my hs literature program.#if by virtue of anything this got you interested in reading more of montale's translated works#this i picked from the 1998 translation of the collection satura by william arrowsmith published by ww norton#bit old but it's the only translation i found that didn't make me completely tick haha. if you're not interested in this poem in particular#there's a lot more translations and collections you can look into#rant over lmao#nicklas backstrom#nicklas bäckström#alexander ovechkin#alex ovechkin#washington capitals#nickeovi#819#hockey rpf#hockey stuff#hockey poetry
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my last week, a visual demonstration
#Robin processes emotions on main#hi yes I came back early. it's in order to process. I needed to like.... spill my guts on the dashboard tonight#IM STRUGGLING..#I have GOT to get a job#just one (1) more visit to a friend this summer and then I will be APPLYING for things again#also I'm having the very devil of a time trying to get myself to contribute to this household. I hate it#I hate that helping out makes me feel like I'm losing my agency—losing myself—like I'm dying every time. I want to be BETTER than this#but I also need to feel like an adult with agency but also I need to BEHAVE like an adult but even just saying that makes me feel nauseous#I need. something. to change. I hate this. I feel selfish and cowardly and I hate feeling selfish and cowardly#I need to . communicate. work something out with my mother so that I stop feeling perpetually behind and ashamed#if I could manage to feel good about chores and not just like I'm scrambling to keep up..... that would..... be... more... motivational#the problem is that I feel unsafe/unstable right now and my instinctive response is to close myself off to all demands#WHICH AS YOU CAN IMAGINE IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO BECOMING MORE STABLE.#demand avoidance makes me bad at contributing to the household AND terrified of applying to jobs and AUGH... AUGH.#I DO BETTER WHEN I LIVE ON MY OWN#living on my own‚ I don't have to deal with the whole soul-crushing horrorshow of negotiating my own emotions about doing chores#chores are GOOD and ENJOYABLE when they're for ME. they're only psychological torture when they're things I do as part of my ''rent''#ok. bedtime. I've sufficiently spilled my dang guts all over the place. it will get better eventually I think#I'm just having a horrible time Right Now#I'll figure this out though dangit#I KNOW the answer is to just Do the stuff and face fears and communicate and whatever I KNOW. but if anyone tells me that I'm going to bite#ok I'm done thank you and sorry to anyone reading this far <3 it really will be all right
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what's up with old people being the most stubborn people alive
#i helped my grandma out with something and i asked if she had called a relative to confirm that hes gonna visit tomorrow#since she worked so hard to cook tonight for this hypothetical visit#and i told her that shes done this several times already setting herself up for disappointment waiting for people to come#when no one made any promises to visit#she didnt call and will not call btw. she thinks shes above that act since everyone else needs to be the one who remembers to call her#it just continues to be a self inflicting cycle where she hopes and then resents people who dont even have any idea whats going on#its cool if guests come tomorrow as she hopes but ive seen too many times this happen where no one comes#and she gets upset over it bc shes too arrogant to invite people over#and then she got pissed off at ME for saying it. of course#im tired of caring#i told her i dont want her to get exhausted from cooking a lot for people that wont even be there and she snaps back at me#whatever man.#personal#vent
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Hey universe,was cancer not enough?
#i would very much like a bottle of wine tonight but chemo#so i will assuredly be taking an edible when work is done#this is bullshit everything is terrible#gonna go watch some boys falling in love to cheer myself up#how's everyone doing?#feel free to reach out if you wanna vent or cry or whatever#how the fuck did it happen again?#and yes i realize this isnt about me and it sounds like im making it about mthwith the cancer remark but#im just pointing out the bad shit in general lol i dunno today sucks take it however you want#and take a hug if you want pne while we're at it
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Mentopolis OCs time, baby.
Lore below:
EDIT: SORRY I CHANGED HIS NAME. Roman Entic is now Romeo Entic. Because he has to be. Proceed.
Two artists residing in the mind of Elias Hodge; one a sculptor focused on form and feeling, and the other a strict Romantic in both senses of the word as well as an amateur poet. They're frequent collaborators (though often have their own solitary projects as well) working for the Daydream Workshop in the Hippocampus' Imagination Gallery, which has always struggled with funding under Mayor Logic and has received so many budget cuts come the Big Guy's new job that they've been promoted from merely hungry artists to starving artists. The only people still well-funded there are the Nightmare script writers and stage crew, who've been writing that show for decades now.
Moneyless and museless, the pair of artists wait out their days in hopes that the Big Guy gets a promotion that makes him relax and start thinking about others again. Or at least that he finds his interest piqued by a co-worker in some fashion--both are willing to cheer for the other.
Dee is a friend of Dan Fucks, as their tasks are closely related--he provides the desire to fuck, and she figures out who the Big Guy wants to fuck. She used to have her sculptures set up at Shuga's, but always has them removed after a while once the passion for the muse of that period wears out. With the dry spell regarding muses or any fun at all, she hasn't provided any new works after taking back her old ones yet.
Rome does not care for Dan that much, they get along best as co-workers who meet only when the time is right. He does move in the same circles as Imelda and Anastasia and had to deal with them loudly debating whether the Big Guy should "go for it" while they check out his paintings before their falling out. Anastasia also interviewed him for the article about the smiling woman that got canned.
Other details: --Rome constantly uses pet names for everyone. "Dear" and "darling" are the most common. --It's not very visible here, but Rome has a painted hand pressed to his heart on his shirt, for romantic gestures. --He also has large "rose-tinted glasses" :) --Dee is very touchy-feely, though she doesn't really mean anything by it. --While Dan Fucks, the active desire to fuck, is dressed for success in deep v-necks and fine pants, Dee, the passive observation of attractive people, is much more casually dressed. She represents a low-effort sort of sexiness that Dan does not. --Romance puts people on cloud nine, so Rome is surrounded with 'em. Dee is steamy all the time. I'm sure you can piece together the joke.
#i wrote that underfunded joke before tonights ep and cackled when it turned out canon#originally dee's name was liberty “lib” ito but thats not how libido is pronounced lmao#mentopolis#d20#mentopolis oc#my art#the fact that rome is an AMATEUR poet is a language joke lol#im sure half of the concepts i suggest here will be debunked as working differently in future episodes#but this is all just self-indulgent so whatever
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feeling kind of shitty and it’s my dads fault!!!
#like ughhhh#my relationship with my dad is complicated and i hate it!!!!#like we are not super close and that’s mostly his doing#i know he’s trying to get close with my sister and i and i appreciate it but it’s still not the same as when we were young.#and now im so close with my mom and our relationship is so natural#whereas with my dad i have to work at it and its like a part of me feels bad that i have to try and that my dad misses us but the other#half of me says that’s his own doing in the first place like we are here because of him#but i can’t help but also feel sorry for him and feel bad for him and want to make him feel better??#idk whatever i do i am never fully happy with how we leave off with each other#tonight was just aghhhh i feel like a bitch
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so i need 1600 words by tonight ;;;; oh boy;;;; wish me luck
#why do i always end up writing so much tho like once again#this is supposed to be like 50% done and im not actually anywhere near that :')))#but it IS gonna be at least 5k#which isnt actually........ what eeds to happen... it SHOULD be 50% of whatever its gonna end up as..............#but i have no idea what it'll end up as bc i can never predict that#so we're just gonna try and write fast and hard through dec-jan bc ill have more time off :')))))#and try and get the story to a good point#i man i know what the ending will be but im trying to hit all of the scenes i wanna include ;;;#i think.....#maybe once we get through the beginning.... we can do a story of montage of shorter scenes???#and then go back to another longer scene at the end ????????#like 2-3 Long Establishing Scenes -#5-6 Short Connection Scenes -#2-3 Long Finale Scenes#????#that#.....#that may work......#ok so really what i need to do tonight is get through the opening introduction scenes#cus that'll at least get me to 1/3 the way done.......#it won't quite reach 50% cus that's be including some of the shorter scenes#but it'll be SOMETHING#ok#ok we can do this#i need to go back and write the first scene with Kevin#and then I'll need one with everyone.......#but we need to get a little bit more of just the one first.............. ok......#I'm 1600 words or more. shouldnt be too big a problem.....#i ahould. move to my desk for more confortable sitting.....#shh ac
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yknow what I think I'm never gonna be good at art. It's at least like not for a long time and not without it being incredibly exhausting trying to force myself to draw. so like idk maybe I should. stop doing that? because I just draw and it turns out bad abd then I feel like shit abd I don't draw and feel like shit for not drawing and then when I do try to draw again I'm carrying that weight of like. It's been so long since I've drawn how can I call myself an artist + maybe I just atraigjt up can't draw and those few times I've made something decent are just a fluke because o stg I'm getting worse but also I'm probably not? But then art has just felt so much harder lately and 9 times out of ten I just give up ans feel like shit and that tenth time is just me thinking something is. Decent enough but still not good and posting it. like idk I got other hobbies. Other art forms. But I don't wanna give up on drawing because I do really enjoy it but also I haven't really been enjoying it lately but also I don't think I could live without it but also I'd really fucking like to be good but also the amount of stress that brings is. Idk it's like 1 am maybe I should just sleep I'll probably be more normal about this in the morning
#thjs isnt even like something im upset abkut its juat 1am and im thinkin#trjed drawing tonight#looked like shkt#usually does#satisfied the urge tk#*to draw ig?#but jts less satisfaction at creating and more well that was fuckinf shit why try again#idk i shouldnt be judging my art by the metric of whether its good enough to post#but also i love enagaging qith people through my art#hut my art isnt good enough fkr that yet#been drawing for years and yeah im better than i was but im not *good* yk#especially not compared to my peers who arent knly drawing better than me but more frequently and consistently#while i get exhausted after drawing one thing#feels like im doing something wrong bjt idk what#agh#whatever#pribably something to do with thr 5+ hobbies + work + uni im stretched between but fucckin whatever#me.txt#lmao morning mes gonna crimge so hard at this shit
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okay I AM LEAVING and u all need to YELL AT ME if u see me online
#i need to get a couple things out of the way or i will start screaming and crying and throwing up#cant work on my stupid group project bc i will start killing if my partners dont help but i can do my stupid whatever the fuck it is#that is like a third of my grade and im gonna find a way to do all of it tonight or im going to spontaneously combust and i would very#much not like to do that because tomorrow i have to be places (gardens i will probably not get another chance to visit for like 4 months)#and do things (take pictures of BUGS and FROGS and FLOWERS and ROCKS and WATER and NOT THINK ABOUT SCHOOL)#so BYE#probably until tomorrow. or maybe the day after. or maybe i will magically finish all of my work and come back and grace u all with#my presence sooner. who knows. bye
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STOP. I'm getting choked up
#[static]#wolf plays mass effect#idk if i want to play the final act tonight or tomorrow#some ppl says it can take 4 hours and i dont have 4 hours left in me lol#i think it might be 2-3 for me cuz im not playing on hard#anyways i might lay down and maybe come back to it later tonight or just wake up early and finish it before work (and be devastated)#the citadel dlc was SO GOOD i cant believe they released the game without it ... like ... the crew needs a good send off#before whatever happens in the final moments because damn
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