#so ill already be awake
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i am so excited and honoured to speak on this panel tomorrow! At 2:30 in the fucking morning. 🫠
#they had to move the conference from jerusalem to fucking KOS ISLAND which is virtually impossible to get to from the US#at least they have a remote option#woof#at least dnd is tonight so ill be going straight from the end of dnd to this presentatie#so ill already be awake#and it's a panel so i dont have to prepare anything i just get asked questions abt a thing i know abt already.#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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It's waldy
Futur water too but not done
#welcome home#partycoffin#wally darling#welcome home arg#welcome home fanart#welcome home wally#ive had these for a teeny wally#while* uhhh wally stop invading my brain i did NOT mean to type wally but uh yeah#had future wally like that for ages already and uhhh my motivation is realyyy poopy and sucks aw man#ill make a second look for future wally too becuz idk blehhhh#i dunno wut else 2 say OH YEAH got a therapy appointment on aug 5 ANDDD my b day is on augist 28 yayyayay ANDDD one of my aunts suport me#ANDDD uh idk my sleep schedule sucks#im awake at 7AM i didnt sleep at alllllll aw darn#im soooo excited cuz clown said welcome home and i went yippieeee#i get ideas but then my brain makes me forget over and over so its a littleeee frustrating but dw ill just doodle like uh#cats with human faces or sumthin idk#wut do i dooooooo aaaaaaAaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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my favorite version of jeremy is where he's working a security shift at a shitty pizzeria that is also randomly haunted nonstop by the supernaturals.
his coworker is living a psychological horror genre where everything is out to kill them or their loved ones
jeremy's living a nice life of retirement by working the nightshift at a shitty pizzeria :D
at least until fritz kills him with a metal pipe because he ignored their calls for backup (mothman broke into the dumpster) (very bad)
#jeremy fritzgerald#jeremy#my art#oauguhghghh. my boyyyyyy#this is the last jeremy posting for tonight so sorry to inflict you all with my insanity#jeremy's technically a homeless blorbo bcs hes mostly just.#shoved into every fandom space i get into#mans got no home story#smsmh.#by the time this posts ill have already been asleep tho bcs#as brave as i am to post jeremy on main#i am NOT brave enough to be awake while posting about him#i will be ASLEEP#this will be QUEUED#and when i wake up in the morning the notes for my fop au will drown the 2-3 likes on here and i will have avoided the internal cringe!!!#just as planned!!!#cubbi art
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it's midnight and i can hear my upstairs neighbors talking. do you know how LOUD you gotta be for that??? I've only ever heard my neighbors voices when they are FIGHTING, like, yelling and screaming. i could report them to the complex since there's a "quiet after 10pm" rule but alas im not a cop. still annoying as hell though.
#genuinely like guys. come on.#like COME ONNNNNN#i worked nights so i get being awake and doing things at midnight but also#you still gotta be considerate?? of others???#its why i try not to be loud even during the day#and ok yeah in not currently trying to sleep. insomnia ftw. but it's the principle right?? there are other neighbors who probably ARE#sigh#sorry im sure ill stop bitching about my neighbors eventually but they're new and I'm frustrated today already#and im unaccustomed to their bullshit right now#shh ac
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#hi everyone im awake again now#THERE WAS GONNA BE TEXT FOR PIKO'S TOO BUT I WAS ALREADY LAUGHING SO HARD AT JUST HIS FACE W/O ANY TEXT SO I. AKHJSKJK#those heights are so off for the others but idc#what did they do??? no fucking idea man guess#really in that getting-better-but-also-has-chance-of-becoming-worse-post-illness-delirium state rn huh
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so I’m realising my intense anxiety for Hilda’s third season to come out is PROBABLY an autism thing
#like. it’s been 2 years of it being the same#the fandoms been in the same place and the show has too#and now it’s gonna change and it is giving me so much anxiety#when the special interest is so intense that you feel physically ill at the thought of new content because it’s just so overwhelming#<- that’s not my usual exaggerated ‘I’m so unwell’ thing either like I have layed awake at night feeling#sick LMAO#bc of s3#which is so frustrating because I’m excited! I love this show! I want more!#but because it’s so important to me. new content is going to have a big effect on me#and I don’t want it too cries#does that make sense? no? sick#it’s either an autism thing or there’s just something wrong with me either way I’d like this feeling to go away please it isn’t fun#hilda#textpost#it’s like I just want it to come out already so I can watch it and know what’s happening cause I hate not knowing what’s going on#i need to have. my information organised#and rn I don’t#and that makes me rlly anxious lolz#like I’m anxious for season 3 in a good excited way#but also in a geniunley bad way#I wish my brain was. normal lo#l#this got more venty than I meant it to sorryblads#might delete later#I’m sad hilda is ending bc it’s over and I don’t want it to be but#also it’s weirdly comforting to know that I don’t have to go through this intense anxiety again#cause I don’t get like this with other fandoms! dr who for example I’m living new content#but for Hilda I geniunkey feel unwell#it’s the same with the idea of there ever being new ducktales content#I care so much that it’s. bad for me lol??
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No seroquel means no sleep for me I guess. I've been trying for hours
#decided if im gonna be awake i may as well do something other than wallow in thoughts that cause me anxiety#just super fucked up that i went from believing i could no longer feel romantic attraction#to suddenly being flooded with feelings#and like he didn't even confess romantic feelings for me he just said hed be down to fuck sometime#usually id just be like yeah that's fine i don't usually catch feelings#so it's fucking me up that im having romantic feelings towards someone who probably doesnt feel that way#and it's fucking me up that i caught feelings from being TOLD he'd like to fuck we haven't even done that#sigh i can't pretend like those feelings weren't already there and just extremely repressed....#kept having so many dreams about being in love w him... I'd do everything i could to shake the feeling off#it comes down to insecurities#feeling like i make too many mistakes to be with someone as good as him#the fear that I'll stress him out#one of the most amazing people I've ever met. he has respected my boundaries for years#and i guess those boundaries were only firmly in place bc i knew deep down it would spark something#honestly i felt a huge spark hours before he even told me#whenever he came up behind me and hugged me on the neck#his lips accidentally brushed against my neck and i swooned#we haven't talked since that night but he said he wants to have a conversation about it when he's not busy#he has two jobs#his 2nd one lasting til 1am#but yeah thinking about what he might say is making me nervous#like what if he suddenly decides that it IS too risky#i don't think ill be able to kick these feelings#at least i let him know head on that i might fall in love w him if we pursue anything else#but we haven't even pursued shit!! and i feel this way already!!#i guess not ''in love'' but the crush is hard-fucking-core#the kind of crush i havent had since meeting my ex 7 years ago...#i forgot what the feeling was like. and it's.... so strong#.bdo
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The Shame <- anyone else experiencing this
#text#ive been awake for 21 hours. i should go to bed#i dont want to i know the horrors may well plague my sleep#Well maybe not i took my sleep meds already so maybe ill be fine#waugghh. who else feeling the shame. who else wanting to flay themselves alive and such
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just found out that some people apparently think milo murphy's law is transmisogynistic, perry is bad ace rep because he's ace as the "safe" option for queer rep, dan and swampy are bigots who shoehorn all of their queerphobic rhetoric into all of their media, and that phineas and ferb was a bigot's paradise all along... it's joever
#i just find it ironic considering a whole lot of dwampyverse fans are queer and enjoy what the shows have given us#and are appreciative of perry being ace rep#i never once thought of any of this in a negative light before#but the video i just watched (which is like. 30 minutes of reaching and has 18k likes) just frustrates me#i personally dont think the krill hunter episode was a jab at trans people and instead was just a deliberate joke about cis men#but i guess people think otherwise? idk#the only thing i ever found questionable at all in any dwampyverse thing was the tokyo segment of summer belongs to you#just... sigh... i guess im not allowed to enjoy dwampyverse content as a queer person of color anymore...#pack it up everyone... it's over#i have so many reasons for why i disagree with a majority of these takes but#ive already spoken about it so much elsewhere and its 7 in the morning and i feel physically drained#from reading about first world white queer discourse about non-issues#had to shake out the last of the ranting somewhere to feel at ease now im going back to sleep#wish pain from my operated foot didnt wake me up at 4am and my cat didnt keep me awake now i feel so chronically online#ria.txt#work has been a bitch but ill hopefully post art stuff soon...#though after the whole hacking thing i feel like restarting this blog#tags are longer than the actual post sorry im tired and yelling into the void
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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thank god i based one of my ocs off bryce so i already have her facial features nailed down for drawing ella
#like literally already have her personal skin tone mix. eye shape nose shape and the works#i just finished something <3 its 2:30am tho so ill post it after i sleep when more ppl are awake
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No positive notes for today. I think my left eye got fucked up from crying too much bc it's bleeding. Tomorrow I vow to shower.
#ive made my sister mad at me somehow#and ive made my mom mad at me by having an attitude#(i think im turing resentful of my childhood neglect bc i fear what might have happened because of it)#so this house feels like the most suffocating prison#and my body feels like a prison and my mind and my heart and my soul.. etc etc. you get it#i keep thinking. what if i run away ! somewhere where i can be happy again !#but then i remember i cant run from it. i can never escape. i can never undo a single thing. i can never prevent what has already been done#and then i cry again and again and again#and then i get a headache bc i have to hold my breath so that no one will hear me cry#and then ill cry some more bc a sick and pathetic part of me actually wants to be heard and comforted#idk. every time i think its getting better it gets worse all over again#rn im just spending my days wishing i was asleep#since the nightmares still haven't come back being asleep is much nicer than being awake#ig something else positive is that i havent relapsed or engaged in anything more destructive than some self isolation#so.. yay for that idk.#i know it'll get better if i wait it out but i also know it wont be fixed#and i am just so tired of feeling crazy and broken all the time#god this all sounds like a 13 year olds note app emo poetry lol
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i already feel like today is gonna be hard for me :/
#p#ive been at work like 5 mins n awake less than an hour but like#i already feel like im gonna not be able to deal w anything n i struggle w that on normal days#like work is v stressful n overwhelming for me anytime#but i just woke up feeling :((( yknow#like physically its gonna be not good n stressful n then that makes me feel worse emotionally ofc#maybe ill be wrong abt this but i just feel like i wanna cry already n the only stuff so far has been#feeling bad n gross physically+being here is too bright n loud which im used to but doesnt help#wanna curl up at home but alas. can do that in 8 hrs tho :(#<= well now ive been here later (tag abt how long ive been at work) cuz i was trying to find a pic to use alsjdk
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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Feeling a lil vindictive, a lil nasty this morning
So context, my brother had a work do last night and before he left he told my mum he'd becoming back here and doing so alone. So tell me why he called me at 3am when I'm trying to sleep but travel anxiety and says he's bringing two mates back? I tell him he can't I'm leaving at 6 tomorrow he just goes yeah they'll just be passing through your room. No I've gotta get up in 3 hours you can't be keeping up, yeah it's fine. The fuck it is not
Anyway so my alarm goes off 3 hours later I've barely slept, my brain already woke me up several times prior but that doesn't mean I'm turning my alarms off immediately or getting ready quietly after the prick disturbed my sleep
#Demon Spawn#travel tag#the rest of my siblings got a nice goodbye but im not a morning person on a good night sleep let alone when i havent been able to sleep#like i wouldnt have gotten much sleep regardless because of anxiety but i woulda been able to fall asleep sooner if i hadnt been dragged out#of bed kept awake by the rage induced adrenaline and the sounds of sports being played on tv and chatter in the next room#and hes gonna spend all day in bed anyway so i dont feel guilty particularly when hes had guests over constantly for the two weeks ive been#home which denies me access to the ensuite and kitchenette thats accessible from his room and he constantly keeps me awake#i dont get to enjoy my comfy non student accommodation bed because the fcker never lets me go to sleep and my mum wont let me sleep in#i did fix my sleep schedule minutely was getting tired at 12 instead of 2am from where i fcked it during assignment season so small mercies#had to wake my littlest brothers up to say goodbye and the babby started crying 😢 my mum wanted me to wake her and the baby up too#but the baba was still half asleep and definitely not processing that i was leaving 😂 she was so unbothered guarantee ill have to facetime#my dad dropped me to the bus stop and hes as bad at small talk and emotionally constipated as me but he was just coming back from a night#shift so i appreciate that that was him putting in extra effort and him checking i had enough money is as close to sentiment as he can do#everyone else? cute goodbye. my sister was already awake when i got up to the house pretty sure she had an alarm set.....#my oldest younger brother? i hope the hangover sucks
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so i know i just had a poll about caffeine consumption and the like but.
#i drink espresso and matcha back to back already and sometimes it does overload me. but it prevents a crash later so#id imagine the initial jitters would be a little worse but that i wouldnt crash maybe. maybe not#ill probably drink them separetly and with a shower between the two to make sure im fully awake but its still tempting
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