#so ill already be awake
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i am so excited and honoured to speak on this panel tomorrow! At 2:30 in the fucking morning. 🫠
#they had to move the conference from jerusalem to fucking KOS ISLAND which is virtually impossible to get to from the US#at least they have a remote option#woof#at least dnd is tonight so ill be going straight from the end of dnd to this presentatie#so ill already be awake#and it's a panel so i dont have to prepare anything i just get asked questions abt a thing i know abt already.#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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It's waldy
Futur water too but not done
#welcome home#partycoffin#wally darling#welcome home arg#welcome home fanart#welcome home wally#ive had these for a teeny wally#while* uhhh wally stop invading my brain i did NOT mean to type wally but uh yeah#had future wally like that for ages already and uhhh my motivation is realyyy poopy and sucks aw man#ill make a second look for future wally too becuz idk blehhhh#i dunno wut else 2 say OH YEAH got a therapy appointment on aug 5 ANDDD my b day is on augist 28 yayyayay ANDDD one of my aunts suport me#ANDDD uh idk my sleep schedule sucks#im awake at 7AM i didnt sleep at alllllll aw darn#im soooo excited cuz clown said welcome home and i went yippieeee#i get ideas but then my brain makes me forget over and over so its a littleeee frustrating but dw ill just doodle like uh#cats with human faces or sumthin idk#wut do i dooooooo aaaaaaAaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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my favorite version of jeremy is where he's working a security shift at a shitty pizzeria that is also randomly haunted nonstop by the supernaturals.
his coworker is living a psychological horror genre where everything is out to kill them or their loved ones
jeremy's living a nice life of retirement by working the nightshift at a shitty pizzeria :D
at least until fritz kills him with a metal pipe because he ignored their calls for backup (mothman broke into the dumpster) (very bad)
#jeremy fritzgerald#jeremy#my art#oauguhghghh. my boyyyyyy#this is the last jeremy posting for tonight so sorry to inflict you all with my insanity#jeremy's technically a homeless blorbo bcs hes mostly just.#shoved into every fandom space i get into#mans got no home story#smsmh.#by the time this posts ill have already been asleep tho bcs#as brave as i am to post jeremy on main#i am NOT brave enough to be awake while posting about him#i will be ASLEEP#this will be QUEUED#and when i wake up in the morning the notes for my fop au will drown the 2-3 likes on here and i will have avoided the internal cringe!!!#just as planned!!!#cubbi art
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never have i been so entirely exhausted from sitting in front of a laptop in a dark room for three hours gay! and so full of delight and happiness! like wow! i have not felt this good in ages!! and its a good kind of tired! i feel like im glowing!
but shit, the update is more than i could've dreamed of. like i said - three straight hours of combing, and i probably still missed a thing or two! i'm even saving the storytime audio to enjoy in the morning, i haven't listened to it yet!
i already have so many thoughts and emotions but i'm... so wiped out oh my god lmao. so much new stuff at once! i need to sleep on it all! and in the morning i will be more than happy to reply, interact, answer asks on this subject, share my actual thoughts - i just need to take the rest of the night to Process and rest, yk yk
and i know i "missed" some links on my liveblog! i know i know! i didn't add every single thing i found - like most of the Wally audios - because i'll be compiling them all into a labeled post tomorrow! when i wake up! i'm already looking forward to it <3 i'm confident i personally found all of them, though! i was Thorough! i went through everything at least twice, i tabbed through, i clicked on Everything...
but yes i hope you all are having a wonderful Update Day/Evening/Morning/Afternoon As The Case May Be. this is truly a delight and again, more than i could've dreamed of. i'd forgotten what it's like to be so wholly excited and delighted by something! it's been so long since i've felt this kind of genuine joy and whimsy! usually im white-knuckling my optimism and happiness but tonight it was all authentic 100% non-forced From The Soul!
#a very exciting day of Not Much Happening and then Everything At Once#the constant (joyous) stress over the update and then the intense euphoria of experiencing it....#very very exhausted i have no energy left in me for literally anything#a sleep will fix that though#and ill be back to Chatter and Ramble#absolutely unprompted#scribble salad#i cant believe we're only at the very beginning... there is already So Much!#so much good stuff! incredible stuff! monumental work! i literally cant fathom that this is the Tip of the iceberg! what the fuck!#but thats something to swoon over another day#we have the update!#a plethora of audio clips and new information to chew on!#but yes yes i will make a tumblr post with all of the links#in order! labeled! for your convenience and viewing and reblogging pleasure!#and a different post with my personal thoughts and emotions! i have many!#alright yes stepping away from the laptop now#water. teeth. cats. sleep. yes. totally going to do that.#i already know im gonna lay down get cozy and then my eyes are gonna Fly Open. Wide Awake#perhaps i should take some melatonin lol#i want to be able to wake up in a timely manner Well Rested and ready to compile!!!#a melatonin night it is!#but yes i hope you all are having fun!!!#feel free to shoot me asks and such! i am more than happy to Respond and Discuss!#i will be making my main posts / sharing my thoughts before answering anything tho lol i will say that now#that way i can say my piece#and then if i get any asks about something ive already covered i can just Link the Post!#for ease of all of us <3#but yes goodnight!!!#i cant wait to scribble and talk and AGH!!!#to clown and everyone working on welcome home you guys are the fucking most and its just. its everything
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it's midnight and i can hear my upstairs neighbors talking. do you know how LOUD you gotta be for that??? I've only ever heard my neighbors voices when they are FIGHTING, like, yelling and screaming. i could report them to the complex since there's a "quiet after 10pm" rule but alas im not a cop. still annoying as hell though.
#genuinely like guys. come on.#like COME ONNNNNN#i worked nights so i get being awake and doing things at midnight but also#you still gotta be considerate?? of others???#its why i try not to be loud even during the day#and ok yeah in not currently trying to sleep. insomnia ftw. but it's the principle right?? there are other neighbors who probably ARE#sigh#sorry im sure ill stop bitching about my neighbors eventually but they're new and I'm frustrated today already#and im unaccustomed to their bullshit right now#shh ac
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#hi everyone im awake again now#THERE WAS GONNA BE TEXT FOR PIKO'S TOO BUT I WAS ALREADY LAUGHING SO HARD AT JUST HIS FACE W/O ANY TEXT SO I. AKHJSKJK#those heights are so off for the others but idc#what did they do??? no fucking idea man guess#really in that getting-better-but-also-has-chance-of-becoming-worse-post-illness-delirium state rn huh
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so I’m realising my intense anxiety for Hilda’s third season to come out is PROBABLY an autism thing
#like. it’s been 2 years of it being the same#the fandoms been in the same place and the show has too#and now it’s gonna change and it is giving me so much anxiety#when the special interest is so intense that you feel physically ill at the thought of new content because it’s just so overwhelming#<- that’s not my usual exaggerated ‘I’m so unwell’ thing either like I have layed awake at night feeling#sick LMAO#bc of s3#which is so frustrating because I’m excited! I love this show! I want more!#but because it’s so important to me. new content is going to have a big effect on me#and I don’t want it too cries#does that make sense? no? sick#it’s either an autism thing or there’s just something wrong with me either way I’d like this feeling to go away please it isn’t fun#hilda#textpost#it’s like I just want it to come out already so I can watch it and know what’s happening cause I hate not knowing what’s going on#i need to have. my information organised#and rn I don’t#and that makes me rlly anxious lolz#like I’m anxious for season 3 in a good excited way#but also in a geniunley bad way#I wish my brain was. normal lo#l#this got more venty than I meant it to sorryblads#might delete later#I’m sad hilda is ending bc it’s over and I don’t want it to be but#also it’s weirdly comforting to know that I don’t have to go through this intense anxiety again#cause I don’t get like this with other fandoms! dr who for example I’m living new content#but for Hilda I geniunkey feel unwell#it’s the same with the idea of there ever being new ducktales content#I care so much that it’s. bad for me lol??
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No seroquel means no sleep for me I guess. I've been trying for hours
#decided if im gonna be awake i may as well do something other than wallow in thoughts that cause me anxiety#just super fucked up that i went from believing i could no longer feel romantic attraction#to suddenly being flooded with feelings#and like he didn't even confess romantic feelings for me he just said hed be down to fuck sometime#usually id just be like yeah that's fine i don't usually catch feelings#so it's fucking me up that im having romantic feelings towards someone who probably doesnt feel that way#and it's fucking me up that i caught feelings from being TOLD he'd like to fuck we haven't even done that#sigh i can't pretend like those feelings weren't already there and just extremely repressed....#kept having so many dreams about being in love w him... I'd do everything i could to shake the feeling off#it comes down to insecurities#feeling like i make too many mistakes to be with someone as good as him#the fear that I'll stress him out#one of the most amazing people I've ever met. he has respected my boundaries for years#and i guess those boundaries were only firmly in place bc i knew deep down it would spark something#honestly i felt a huge spark hours before he even told me#whenever he came up behind me and hugged me on the neck#his lips accidentally brushed against my neck and i swooned#we haven't talked since that night but he said he wants to have a conversation about it when he's not busy#he has two jobs#his 2nd one lasting til 1am#but yeah thinking about what he might say is making me nervous#like what if he suddenly decides that it IS too risky#i don't think ill be able to kick these feelings#at least i let him know head on that i might fall in love w him if we pursue anything else#but we haven't even pursued shit!! and i feel this way already!!#i guess not ''in love'' but the crush is hard-fucking-core#the kind of crush i havent had since meeting my ex 7 years ago...#i forgot what the feeling was like. and it's.... so strong#.bdo
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The Shame <- anyone else experiencing this
#text#ive been awake for 21 hours. i should go to bed#i dont want to i know the horrors may well plague my sleep#Well maybe not i took my sleep meds already so maybe ill be fine#waugghh. who else feeling the shame. who else wanting to flay themselves alive and such
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#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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just found out that some people apparently think milo murphy's law is transmisogynistic, perry is bad ace rep because he's ace as the "safe" option for queer rep, dan and swampy are bigots who shoehorn all of their queerphobic rhetoric into all of their media, and that phineas and ferb was a bigot's paradise all along... it's joever
#i just find it ironic considering a whole lot of dwampyverse fans are queer and enjoy what the shows have given us#and are appreciative of perry being ace rep#i never once thought of any of this in a negative light before#but the video i just watched (which is like. 30 minutes of reaching and has 18k likes) just frustrates me#i personally dont think the krill hunter episode was a jab at trans people and instead was just a deliberate joke about cis men#but i guess people think otherwise? idk#the only thing i ever found questionable at all in any dwampyverse thing was the tokyo segment of summer belongs to you#just... sigh... i guess im not allowed to enjoy dwampyverse content as a queer person of color anymore...#pack it up everyone... it's over#i have so many reasons for why i disagree with a majority of these takes but#ive already spoken about it so much elsewhere and its 7 in the morning and i feel physically drained#from reading about first world white queer discourse about non-issues#had to shake out the last of the ranting somewhere to feel at ease now im going back to sleep#wish pain from my operated foot didnt wake me up at 4am and my cat didnt keep me awake now i feel so chronically online#ria.txt#work has been a bitch but ill hopefully post art stuff soon...#though after the whole hacking thing i feel like restarting this blog#tags are longer than the actual post sorry im tired and yelling into the void
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thank god i based one of my ocs off bryce so i already have her facial features nailed down for drawing ella
#like literally already have her personal skin tone mix. eye shape nose shape and the works#i just finished something <3 its 2:30am tho so ill post it after i sleep when more ppl are awake
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No positive notes for today. I think my left eye got fucked up from crying too much bc it's bleeding. Tomorrow I vow to shower.
#ive made my sister mad at me somehow#and ive made my mom mad at me by having an attitude#(i think im turing resentful of my childhood neglect bc i fear what might have happened because of it)#so this house feels like the most suffocating prison#and my body feels like a prison and my mind and my heart and my soul.. etc etc. you get it#i keep thinking. what if i run away ! somewhere where i can be happy again !#but then i remember i cant run from it. i can never escape. i can never undo a single thing. i can never prevent what has already been done#and then i cry again and again and again#and then i get a headache bc i have to hold my breath so that no one will hear me cry#and then ill cry some more bc a sick and pathetic part of me actually wants to be heard and comforted#idk. every time i think its getting better it gets worse all over again#rn im just spending my days wishing i was asleep#since the nightmares still haven't come back being asleep is much nicer than being awake#ig something else positive is that i havent relapsed or engaged in anything more destructive than some self isolation#so.. yay for that idk.#i know it'll get better if i wait it out but i also know it wont be fixed#and i am just so tired of feeling crazy and broken all the time#god this all sounds like a 13 year olds note app emo poetry lol
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waking up means starting the day's long battle of fighting to stay conscious
#ough im so sleepy.... eepy even....#i already slept so much but the couch is calling to me#'maybe a lil nap wouldnt hurt' < thats the demons talking#but honestly. what WOULD it hurt? its not like i have literally Anything going on in my life!#there is nothing i need to be awake for!#why shouldn't i doze. why shouldn't i....#IM LOSING THE BATTLE#absolutely unprompted#i would like to scribble but im so tired... so sleepy... my eyelids are so heavy#just... just one little nap. an hour! or two. or five. lets go for a coma actually that sounds festive#a month long sleep should fix me (lie)#ill scribble some laughingstock later i prommy....#awww wait tangent#my cat letti has started up a new game#where she shoves a toy under a shelf and then runs to the other side to try and fish it out from underneath#and then she shoves it back under rinse and repeat#she's so enthusiastic about it... practically throwing herself around as she bats the toy back and forth#oh nope she got it out and now she's tossing it around & playing cat soccer with it <3#and i am going to go Nap. ive lost the battle <3 im waving a white flag <3 i surrender to diet death
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i already feel like today is gonna be hard for me :/
#p#ive been at work like 5 mins n awake less than an hour but like#i already feel like im gonna not be able to deal w anything n i struggle w that on normal days#like work is v stressful n overwhelming for me anytime#but i just woke up feeling :((( yknow#like physically its gonna be not good n stressful n then that makes me feel worse emotionally ofc#maybe ill be wrong abt this but i just feel like i wanna cry already n the only stuff so far has been#feeling bad n gross physically+being here is too bright n loud which im used to but doesnt help#wanna curl up at home but alas. can do that in 8 hrs tho :(#<= well now ive been here later (tag abt how long ive been at work) cuz i was trying to find a pic to use alsjdk
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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