#his 2nd one lasting til 1am

[tittyinfinity]

No seroquel means no sleep for me I guess. I've been trying for hours

[shytiff]

Apr 2021 Wins

Started typing this on 4th apr lmaooo

1 - went to mcd. bought chicken + rice with the app promo. there’s a staff helping me on the order machine lol i feel badd there’s no need to do thatt. ate my lunchmade by mom at mcd’s muschola and went to sbux bcs its tumbler day. green tea latte w skim milk as usual. sent dr triya’s translation. ecmocard. started rereading goong (AGAIN. i probably have read it like 3 times minimum). still bring some feels

2 - its holiday today. spent almost the whole daylight rereading goong (turns out its pronounce ‘gung’ not ‘gong’ lol ive been wrong all this time) and finished it. the scene where they stare at each other, separated by the castle door, always gets me. got the old ipad charged (the screen are like 30% close to detaching and falling apart) and started AOT

3 - spent the whole day reading AOT. i like it when i have mini purposes in life (eg: finishing a manga series). AOT rly talks a lot about what do you want to do in life, the consequences of your choices and how you have to live with it. i felt triggered in a good way. the characters dont rly judge other’s choices, but they question them. discuss about it. give you some moral push. second gladi today. my vbg was still filpped hhhh. read aot until i felt sleepy and fell asleep. woke up very near subuh and prayed isya. my toxic trait is the horrible self care (and im talking bare minimum lol hehe lmao)

4 - finished aot. Asked irun about some aot explanations and she sent 5 paragraphs in one bubble. Slept. Flavola, kopsus coklat and somay. Also ate japota honey butter. Did 1 long input of ecmocard. Followed baepsae choreo. Moved my body a bit. Wow im not immediately sleeping. Amazing

5 - arrived at harkit 11-ish and went back about 1pm loll. super hungry when im arriving in kalideres. bought tahu colek worth 3000 (i wonder how the seller hears me through my 2 layers of mask), roti sisir and some ice cream in alfamidi. my fitlife protein powder ran out again. its my 2nd already. did some ecmocard, wasted my time after maghrib

6 - woke up late. did not have the mental strength to go to harkit so i decided to just stay home. bought sbux 1L green tea and macchiato. wasted the daylight and finally did some ecmocard in the evening,,,,

7 - off to harkit 7.30-ish pm in the rain. Took some data for ecmocard. Went to salemba to get tabung and surat bebas pustaka. Had breakfast slash lunch first, tried guudfuud (red rice, beef and omega egg). I like that the rice was not too much. Met up w ness ren and talked about isip dilemmas at sky. Afterwards went to flavola. Ordered mie rebus and roasted milk tea cause i somehow feel sooo hungry and in need of calories. It tasted so good, i was sitting in my usual seat facing the window, and the sky was a mixture of blue and grey. Brought croissant and sakura pocky at indomart. Ate the bread immediately after indomie. Went back home. Juan brought tahu gejrot that was delicious and crunchy. Internship files briefing by akis. Fell asleep

8 - woke up. Saw that dr retha was up for interview. Panicked. Thankfully it was at 12. I left home at 9:40 ish and arrived 11:50. Its a long ass way. Turns out i was interviewed with ka agassi. The doctors are so kind. They explained the gist of anesthesiology profession, and how its a choice you make, and its okay as long as you like what you do. Tried halo bowl for lunch. Sous vide chicken, rice, caesar sauce, beef bacon, and the deliciouss butter broccoli. Went back to kalideres and to starbucks. I only spent <2 hrs in there (a waste of money, i know). Bought decaf hazelnut latte (apparently the beans were kenyan something? Medium?) and butter croissant (need to cushion my stomach). Did GCP certification and sent it to the ever so kind mba Ai. Still got energy from the caffeine, did some ecmocard, read quran, read.... Toji fanfic 🤦‍♀️

9 - went to rsf w mom. We took the wrong way and had to take the long way but thank god theres still time to spare. Met dr rara. Some briefing. Went to rscm w agassi, submitted files for ijazah, went back to RSF. Girlll the cost of transport. MRT: 12K. Grab: 16-17k. Thats one way trip. Bought food at rsf canteen. Eocru briefing by the research coordinator. Ward tour w dr retha. Snacked on ovaltine provided by mba ai. Went home after maghrib by tj. Liqo along the way. Glad bersih (came late). Drank macchiato for some strength but still fell asleep quickly.i shouldnt have laid down

10 - kebakaran jenggot in the morning due to green screen positioning. Finally got the appropriate setup (after many fabric tries and cutting my mukena) at 08:30. Finished showering 08:45. Zoom was opened at 9 lmao. Somehow finished before 09:30. Zoompah w mom and dad along side me. After its ovee, some "photoshoot" w fam. At this point i was truly rly sleepy. Took of my makeup. Changed my clothes. And then racil silv dev showed up lol. I got gifts c: and then atikah came. And then i redid my makeup, this time with the help of friends to create fantastic eye make up look (which i can never pull off). Eyebrows by sil, eyeshadow and liner by cheldev lol. Took some photos. Dajen came. Talked. Videocalled w pupuy. A surprise gift from fianti came. And then chel dajen went back at 8. Still cant sleep. Slept at like 11-12

11 - lazed. Woke up, ate pizza (mom bought 2 of phd's 1m pizza) and bakwan, slept again. Matcha latte and ecmocard. Watched a bit of 2nd sinau

12 - off to rsf at 06:20. Arrived 07:15 ish. Lunch was ayam penyet accompanied by snacks that mba ai bought. Off to harkit at 14:05 (bcs my laptop somehow shut down and i lost all the unsubmitted data). And then off to kalideres at 15:30 ish to meet up w clara and search for clothes for almira's wedding. Went to lippo bcs clar saw this dress that kinda looks like the brokat given. We ate at ramen ya. It doesnt rly make you feel full, the filliny sensation was kinda like indomie. Saw that the dress looked different. Ate 1 boba pancake together at banban. Continued on to the tailor in kebon jeruk. The location was in an alley, and it was raining lol. Quoting clara: "the unnecessary struggles". The tailor was quite helpful (and she looks experienced). Arrived at clara's at 8 ish. Picked up by mom with car (it was raining) and arrived at abt 9. Hurriedly showered and tarawih and tidied up AND ITS ONLY 09:45. Its crazy how efficient one use time (and at the same time, how wasteful one can be)

13 - first day of fasting. The morning was spent taking samples. I stupidly took a sample thats not yet labeled im sorry :(((( i felt kinda tired and wanted to give up this. Give up anesthesia. Went back home at 14:00 and its cloudy. The bus was the nicer types and it was COLD. Read quran along the way. Picked up by juan. Opened laptop. And then its iftar time. I was sooo sleey and the tarawih was so long thst i closed my eyes along the way. Fianti called after tarawih, we talked til abt 21:30. And then i fell asleep

14 - went to rscm. Submitted serkom files. Met dr dyah and i hope we could somehow meet her again if we study in fkui again aamiin. Went to rsf by mrt. Arrived in lebak bulus just before it was raining. The bus took a while to arrive (usually theyre there, waiting). Its still raining like crazy so i took grabcar to AR from pesakih (39k). Played with my phone til iftar. Played phone again after tarawih and fell asleep

15 - i felt rlyy lazy and cant bring myself to wake up. Off to rsf at 07:15. There were coordinator ppl. Took sample. It was raining when i went back but i took grabbike from kalideres. Wasted my time and did not do ecmocard

16 - sampling. Snacked on keripik pisang at the room. Went back early at 13:15 ish. Picked up by juan. Sleeeept (and this is before the nightmareish mistake began)

17 - i did a mistake by telling dr retha (who took the sample today) the wrong patient (it switched in my unreliable memory. I feel terrible. Thank god shes quite chill abt it (?). Read jujutsu kaiseeen. Went to flavola. Did 1 ecmocard. Went to bandar jakarta baywalk by motorbike. Spent 135k and was quite full with many varieties. Arrived home at about 20:50. Turns out juan also had bukber with his friends. Phone call with fiiii, talked abt dimrob

18 - lazed all day, read jjk, finished my part of ecmocard (gave genky to ekal cause i was a dumbass at getting data). Ate mom's mentai rice, siomay. Drank green tea latte. Read jjk til 145 (mentok) at night. Proceeds to consume all things jjk lmaoo

19 - we took sooo long to get samples. Finished at 13:00. Went to rm with dr rara. Went back home. Watched the third sinau. Read the IMMACULATE jjk fics by celestialmechanics im IN LOVEEEE with the way s/he writes ughhhh

20 - samples took faster than usual. Mba ai did not came today. Went to RM and did some work there. Off to AR by 15:00. Arrived close to maghrib. Did not do any work afterwards lmao. Did not even wash my face

21 - magang as usual. Note to self: sit on the right side of the bus. Did nothing yesterday. Felt like shit after tarawih (but i showered before maghrib!!)

22 - todays problem was the swab sample not being there even though the staff allegedly already took it. Huft. Took a shower and out on vitacid (i cant remember the kast time i put on vitacid 😳 its probably been... a week or two?

23 - samples finished quite quickly. Already going home at 12. Lazedddd and lazed and lazed. Waited for emir to pick me up so i went to dm. Read an immaculate itadori x megumi fix thats just full of feels. Started demon slayer lets see

24 - literally just laid in bed reading manga and seeing tiktok and slept again and suddenly its 1 am. Showered. Still in a lazy mode. Havent begun clires work. Watched leah's vlog that said "go do things youve been putting off!". Finally finished the third and last video of Sinau Yuk ICU class with dr. Zeta, SpAn lolll even though the actual last class was on 7th apr. iftar was fish and chips and salad yuum

25 - woke up at like 1am since i slept too much yesterday. Ate tan ek tjoan bread and drank sbux matcha latte. Did some intern work. Read a bit of quran. Sahur. Cant even sleep again so i showered. Off with mom and dad (09:30) since dad’s going to get vaccinated at skk migas. Mom drove me to ara’s place (11:00). Talked a bit and even read quran again there. Off to GI (13:00) to meet up w regen. Walked around. Bought a discounted TBS green tea facial wash. Went back home by TJ (16:00). the bus station is a bit closer now. Arrived home close to maghrib (17:30). hurriedly showered and went to sleep (properly) after tarawih. A good good sleep since i got 9400 steps today and that tired me out lmaooo (bare minimum yall, i know). 

26 - woke up still sleepy. Slept again after iftar and woke up at 07:30. Skipped shower and off to RSF lmao. Went to medical record. Walked to the front of RSF originally planning to go to lebak bulus by angkot but i saw none. So i went through mrt instead. Stopped by at kebon jeruk and walked 800 meter (that tireeed me and made me feel parched under the sun) to risma busana for clothes fitting. Took gojek to jembatan gantung (turns out the closer halte to flyover was taman kota). Iftar was chicken noodle and risol and banana and i felt fullll and i slept

27 - today is off day since im alternating with agassi. read quran. watched shadow and bone (with 1,5x speed except for kanej and matthias nina scenes). didnt rly do any magang work except the table asked by dr retha. i feel like usually im operating on 70%. sleeping more doesnt rly add that. i need caffeine or physical activity. before i know it, its close to iftar.

28 - i ((felt)) like i had a decent amount of energy today. shouldve done some work between sahur and leaving the house but i ended up reading vampire knight lmaoooo the scenes had no business bringing so much butterflies. sampling together w agassi. mba ai didnt come in today. after agassi left did some magang work. i also went to RM to ask for more RM to bu dian. took angkot to lebak bulus for the first time. paid 5k. i had no idea which angkot went to lebak bulus and the driver (somehow knowing the right words to say) said “lebak bulus lebak bulus”. didnt read much quran on the way back. i just close my eyes and relaxed. felt kinda low on sugar. watched more shadow and bone on the way back and at home until close to iftar. didnt do anything after tarawih. slept hoping i woke up early (which i did, at 3am. but i slept again)

29 - im supposed to have ample energy but i just stuck around my bed until its time to get ready to go. read some kanej fic lol. I dont rly do anything productive after arriving home

30 - made intern log, magang as usual. Did not go to rm. Finished watching shadow and bone. Rested bcs tomorrow's saturdayyy

[airbnbfestivals]

How should this be reviewed...

Okay... I had a guest, S. What do you think is a fair rating and what would you, as a Host, want to know if the review?S. is a male, low 60's, 1st time Airbnber who booked 3 nights. He started off by replying to in-app messages (around 930PM) but wouldn't answer anticipated arrival via app or text. I called him, and long story short, over the hour, I'd give him directions multiple times, almost beg him to please just use GPS then follow my last directions, drive out to find him to learn he's 15 minutes away... and he got there just before 12AM. He proceeded to spend the next 3 days following me around and being inconsiderate of my House Rules and basic space-sharing decency. I make breakfast, so that is my time I designate to socialise with guests. I did that, but S. wanted to follow me all day. (He left the house 1 time in 3 days to drive 8 blocks away and get local pizza I recommended.) I'm disabled and live at the house, so when someone is literally going floor to floor, calling my name, asking me to do things for him, knocking on my bedroom door... I cannot escape and he made me really uncomfortable. I was turning over 2 other bedrooms I rent, and doing a deep cleaning in those, and he took it upon himself to hover in the doorways and watch and talk at me. I tried to use that as Airbnb educational time, reminding him some typical rules, norms, and reiterating some of my most important House Rules because he nonchalantly refused to read them in the app when asked. He did other things that if one or two, would he normal, but he was like a nonstop attention-seeking act. One example is he spilled chia seeds outside. In the gravel driveway. I genuinely did not care - they're biodegradable and I didn't want to keep dropping what I was doing whenever this guy has a thought. So, he asks for a shovel, which I go to the shed and get, yada yada, and I proceed to compost a little pile of chia seeds because this guy wanted to make an afternoon of it and it was unnecessary. Later, when telling me how I "look good today, much better than last night!" he included some commentary I think might make him an unwelcome guest to many. He asked why I don't eat much, and I said "I have a stomach condition, so I can't," to which he replied "Oh, I just thought you were anorexic. You look anorexic, but I'm sure you know that."That night, Night #2, S. decided to Netflix binge Dexter in the living room, after getting pizza and having a loud phone call in the living room complaining to his partner that "the little gal at the house suggested it, but I just don't like it." Italian, family-owned bakery that's been open over 100 years... and he gorged on the pizza, but... k. I feel like everything he was doing was at minimum, just really inconsiderate and probably annoying me intentionally. This guy would be a terrible roommate because he only cares about his own peace and comfort. Sharing a space, to him, meant owning it, not sharing a space.S. proceeds to spread out, turn the TV up, and violate my stated, reiterated, official, blah-blah quiet hours after about 5 hours of loud Dexter. I posted in here asking for advice while this was happening. 10PM-5AM is quiet time in the house. I've never had to enforce this because most people are reasonable. When I finally did tell him, he proceeded to maintain the TV volume and would be done when the episode was over. He kept the TV on til after 1AM, then went downstairs, took his 2nd long shower of the day, and had another loud conversation with gf that could be heard through out house til 315AM.In the morning, I wake up around 430AM... I decided there is no way I am making AMD eating breakfast with this guy, after that stunt. I'm literally holed up in my room avoiding him from about 830-1030AM. I can hear him pawing at dishes in the dining room and pacing back between dining and living room outside my bedroom. I bailed when I had an appointment. He asked me about "if he missed breakfast?" and maybe he could have it for lunch heated up if he did. I said, "S., I didn't get sleep last night because you decided to ignore me when I told you to turn the TV off. No, I didn't go out and make you breakfast today when you kept me awake all night."S.: "Girlie, if you think the TV was loud, we're going to have problems!" (He wasn't saying that aggressively or anything.) Me: "It really doesn't matter because either way, my rule is quiet after 10PM. You can find another spot to stay if you don't want to do that."Later that day, I was leaving with a friend who had come in to get me, and S. took it upon himself to argue my House Rules some more, seemingly to keep me from leaving because I was trying to. "I mean I didn't think the TV was loud. So, after 10, I turn it down?" Me: "You turn it off. I told you that before I went to bed, and after. It's different if you're home alone, S., you knew I was trying to sleep and disregarded it. I'm heading out, have a good night." S., "So, if you get another guest, do I have to share the TV? Are they going to est with us?" ... I let him know that I had breakfast for him in the fridge he could heat up in the morning before he checks out, and I left.In the morning, I heard him pawing around in the dining room again, so I imagine he didn't want to have food if I wasn't planning to eat with him or serve it. He did check out on time and left the rental areas pretty clean. I'm torn on that as a 3 or 4 for cleanliness because he did other things like wear shoes in the house where asked not to and provided ample appropriate footwear places... so clean bathroom but more carpet vacuuming. And probably a 3 because I found the pizza box outside with pizza in it by where he had parked. Not a trash can, he probably drove off with it on his roof. Ugh. Communication was excessive, often passive-aggressive. He expected me to do everything for him and didn't understand he rented a room, not a person.This is where I'm am, currently.Communication: 1 Cleanliness: 3 Observance of House Rules: 2-3Thoughts on Mr. "Thought You Were Anorexic / Obnoxious Clingy TV Binger Guest" review?I've never wanted to leave such a low rating for a guest I didn't actually think would burn down the house. How bad was S.? Get $20 off your first AirBnB stay.

[ubereyezconfessions-blog]

2/8/19-2/9/19 Riders

#ThemToo

I dont want to assume it, But I seriously think I over heard my passengers speak on being raped. Its not a far trip at all, but i assume they were talking about it prior to getting in the car. But they get in, the first of the two ladies that are in the trip, finishes a story. But its a story of having nights were shes went out, and got blacked out drunk. Im already thrown off because Im more sober than I aint. But she continues. A story of being drunk, having to be carried on a mans shoulders cause she wanted to get into another club. Saying she woke up with bruises and her friends said she was “fighting a curb”. Even at one point of being black out, she was told that a cop approached her friend and asked if she was alright and couldnt get into clubs being that intoxicated and not being able to walk. And having to be took home and tucked in.

Now heres where things gets bizarre. The next girl begins her story. Begins with telling that shes had her experience with blacking out. But slips that she thinks she was drugged and the other girl thinks the same for herself. She runs on with a story that her friends did it to her. That they got her “fucked up”, blacked out to the point where she wasnt coherent of what was going on. To where her “friends” used her credit card and ran up a $500 dollar bill on a credit card of hers. Took her car and left her stranded, even as far as throwing her luggage out with her. Woke up with bruises and the thought that she was drugged cause couldnt remember any of it. At this point she says she at a airport and calling her parents that she had a crappy relationship with to save her. Back and fourths and being stranded without a clue of how to get out the situation. And at no expense her parents did get her out of it. Said that her “friend” was there the whole time and she knew the people they were with were sketchy but she was around them. According to her, she was drugged, beat, and I can only hope that the worst thing in mind didnt happen. But at many points on her trying to get through the airport and home, many people told her to get to hospital which she never did.

In my head, as fucked up as it is, I knew what kinda happened just with my upbringing. Basically her friend got to know her and behind her back probably hated that she probably never had a want that wasnt met. Of course sucks to assume, but these were white women that probably didnt come from homes where money was an issue. But the characters she was around more than likely did. So they probably used her for her money and the sketchy characters were probably in the other womans ear having her play the role til they could make that night happen, or even being the mastermind to it all. You dont get drugged in a house of friends without some inside job happening.. Of course thankfully shes alive and all good today. But what a story to overhear. These women were speaking on potentially being assaulted like it was a run of the mill thing.

Perhaps Im not aware of just how dark the human can be, or I just have such a respect and awareness for another human that I cant fathom hurting another or taking advantage when things can just happen if you let them fall in your lap.

Succubus

Which brings me to my next story which is a polar opposite. And that is 4 lustful women that couldnt just admit what they wanted. Which i find these cases very funny and this was actually a first that was an ego boost. So this trip takes place in Long Beach-Huntington Beach borderlines. Its some 80′s rock night so you can guess the crowd attending. All american lol. But anyways, I pull up and a group of women approach the car. This Blonde that ordered the ride and led the pack, She approached the car with this look in her eye that was filled with lust. I can only assume they dont see many young black males around those parts. (Im learning America isnt as intergrated as it preaches). So they all get in, greetings follow. And they start getting ditzy. But its a smooth ride, were Its ever so obvious the blonde is diggin me. Yet, As im learning, younger women dont express their wants or attraction while. As in my story with “The Cougar”, Im very aware that if a woman wants you, she will let you know. Lifes too short for all this thats happening in this ride. But anyways, so in the backseat are her friends, which Im assuming are the cockblocks and overseers of if their friends go home with anyone when they go out. But she kinda narrates the trip. And with this running need for a toothbrush to spend the night at her friends. Which brings up this conversation where the blonde states she has a toothbrush for her. To which we all have a laugh because it sounds rather bizarre that she just has toothbrushes to give out to guest. And then she ask me would I find it creepy if a woman had a toothbrush for me if I stayed over. Which kinda felt like a indirect way of asking me to stay over. But not being bluntly stated, no bite on my end. I tell her that yeah it could be weird but its all on context. To then this point her friend begins talking about she needs vitamin D and a facial mask of some sort. If you ask me, she meant some very sexual things. But once again, not bluntly stated - no bite. Even with the toothbrush conversation that same girl told that blonde, “dont sound like such a hoe”. Which reviewing the trip, its obvious that this is something that isnt out the normal of these chicks. Which among being a good ego boost. Kinda glad I didnt pursue anything thrown out there with any of them. Even more a nod of the right choice, the chicks went from plans on going home to another bar, which it was a little after 12am-ish then. So about a hour and change to drink before last call, or rather find someone with vitamin D and a face mask lol.

All-Americans

This is a very quick trip but a conversation on hindsight that makes me go “hmmm”. Anyways this is directly after the prior trip with the Succubus. And I pick up 3 white guys in Long Beach, like 2nd street where its nothing but bars and nightlife. Im aware of the area being at the beach with an ex near there. Which riding through, it kinda hit me that she probably spent times there for her experience of the nightlife which give her awareness of the beach there. But anyways im going to the pick up with “This Is America” playing. Obvious what that is, if youve ever watched the video or heard it. But I pick them up and its the greets. The guy that sits passenger is the only one talking. The other two or weirdly quiet or maybe offended because with the rate the first guy got in, I only got a introduction to him before they jumped in the back and it was probably a quick “whats up” or something. But anyways we hit the light to turn thats maybe 2 blocks away. So they notice a bar across the street and speak on how packed it is. Which i myself was wondering why this bar had a line to get in it when its many bars in the whole street that didnt. Part of me recognized it was a urban crowd, but it slipped out my mouth that I didnt understand why people wait that long to get in a bar. Which its approaching 12:30am and some of them wouldnt get in til 1am and then it leaves 30 minutes for that. Which the passengers say, “not worth it, right?”. To which I agree. Hindsight i feel he meant its dumb of urban folks to go to bars and wait around for that we just saw. So then he starts asking me am I from the area and i tell him Im from LA. Then he ask where in LA do i visit, bar wise. To which i tell him I just spend my time at home and working that job. To which he calls me a Iron Introvert and then he ask me this really urking question when I look back. “Do you read?”. I chuckled but in my mind im thinking, who the hell doesnt read. Or perhaps he wasnt used to people like me reading. To which he goes in on if ive ever heard of David Goggins. to which he calls a introvert that does crazy shit. amongst the accolades he preaches he tells me about his book. and I ask him whats it about. So he tells me about his growing up and he started with “he grew up in indiana and he was the only...”. Didnt finish the sentence, which i knew exactly what he was gonna say but I was gonna let him say it. So he explains first that his dad had a roller rink and was the first black man to start a business there or thriving business i suppose. Which he abused his son with a lot of beatings. But he becomes who he is and is the only black in the vicinity or that he spoke on. The guy was fascinated by him but kinda was a obvious observations that they dont run into many black folk in that side of the city. And dont truly understand the us, but what they read and see.

[in-the-midst-of-everything]

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....

[e-tch]

I first came into contact with @wen_musik & @parris.dj via SoundCloud in 2012, myself and wen were making disparate kinds of slow bass music, his taking strong influence from 2-Step and Grime, mine taking influence from UK Hardcore and Garage. Parris was an already impeccable vinyl DJ working in the legendary BM Soho. We quickly connected and became good friends, sharing ideas and music. We started form somewhat of a crew which included the likes of @oiiiemma , @factamusic , Epoch, @rabitmusique , @moleskin90 , @filterdread & so many more. It was a wonderful time. I shared one of my first ever gigs outside of London and Brighton with Wen & Parris joined by David Penning (@mr_illaman ) & @maxlee1001 - it was in Leeds end of 2012, it was in the basement of a student house, the soundsystem was so powerful it made the roof crumble and I had to momentarily leave because it vibrated my throat so much I felt sick. I remember the debris from the ceiling falling on Parris’ 12” of Loefah - Root/Goat Stare and almost going into cardiac arrest - naturally back then we played for free, we were also all put into a premier inn with 2 single beds, which we all snuck into, Wen & Parris somehow took one bed. Illaman (YOU SNORING CUNT) took the other bed. I pretty much stayed up all night watching cartoons doing something a bit naughty - nontheless it was an incredible experience. So to bring this tale to an end, it is with absolute honour I take to the radio station I’ve looked up to almost my whole life for an entire hour on Wen & Parris’ @rinsestagram show 12-2am tonight. I will take the entire 2nd hour so I guess from roughly 1am til 2am, I’ve prepared tunes ive made/attained in the last month, also tunes that never came out from 2013/14 and loads of other stuff. I’ve played on Rinse a few times now but this one is very special. Everyone enjoy & if you miss it, the podcast will be up & my section will be on my soundcloud/mixcloud Zak / ETCH

[beautifully-ru1ned]

So last night, Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I was Sat over A&E with my cousin as she broke her toe when she accidentally kicked a wardrobe... She's very clumsy and has weak bones, I went with her because her parents live in France and if I didn't go then my dad would have and I know how sick of hospitals he is, seeing as my nan just died in that hospital I volunteered for his sake... Anyway, we got the hospital at 22:50 and left at 05:20 and got home at around 05:45. I didn't get to sleep til about 7am and I slept til about midday so I got about 5 hours kip. And today I decided that I wouldn't let my tiredness win so I went out during the day and then out for dinner with my best friend, which lead to us going to a pub, and running into a guy we went to school with, we were more than acquaintances but less than friends, at one point I had a crush on him and he briefly dated one of my friends. He's changed quite a bit appearance wise, he used to be tall and slim and a bit goofy looking and now he has filled out and is kind of cute. Anyway many drinks were had, he was working so we didn't really see him much but everytime he walked past or something my friend would snigger at me... She wants me to ask him out. I'm debating it. Anyway, fast forward to the 2nd pub and more drinking, we decided to head home around half 12am, quite late for me seeing as I haven't slept much. I message the guy on the way home, try to get a vibe whether he likes me or just being friendly. Anyway I get home home around 1am and head to bed. It's now 05:50 (palindrome) and I can't sleep, I'm to ally shattered and my insomnia decides this is the time to hit me. Couldn't let me be well rested first. Grr. And now I'm writing this boring arse post cos I'm bored and sleepless and not really with it as my meds and alcohol are wreaking havoc rn. Fml.