#so if you get to see it you should feel privileged

[that-hazbin]

Things Alastor Has Definitely Said 5

Alastor: Everyone has different opinions on what I should do, so I can't make all of you happy. But! I can make all of you equally unhappy by doing something none of you wanted me to do!

—

Lucifer: You're more of a clown than I am!

Alastor: No, dear, I'm a jester. I mock you, the king, and you can't even execute me for it. It's like the job was made for me!

—

Angel: What's your body count?

Alastor: In life, afterlife, or both?

Angel: Damn! Enough to separate them into categories?!

Alastor: I've killed a lot of people.

Angel:

Angel: You killed my brief moment of excitement too.

—

Charlie: Angel, you need to stop with the come-ons. Alastor's asexual!

Alastor: What's "a sexual?" Charlie, dear, did you just call me a whore?

—

Alastor: Hah! Brave of you to think I would ever care about your insignificant feelings.

Vox: ... Did you just meme at me?

Alastor: I don't know what that is and I don't care to know.

—

Alastor: Who wants to hear a joke?

Angel: Is it another dad joke?

Alastor: Come, now, Angel, you know me well enough by now to know the answer to that.

—

Alastor: Lucifer's threat displays are getting out of hand. Poor Nifty is overworked as is!

Vaggie: His what?

Alastor: His wings! He's been flapping them about and shaking them at my face every time he talks to me! It's leaving feathers EVERYWHERE! Vaggie, dear, you're the disciplinarian, please talk to the man about—

Vaggie: NO. NO I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DO THAT.

Vaggie: IN FACT, LET'S NEVER SPEAK ABOUT THIS AGAIN.

Alastor: ... I am not going to ask.

—

Alastor: I made eggs, bacon, waffles, oatmeal, fried plantain, both savory and sweet crepes, and you have the NERVE to make a beeline towards the CEREAL?!

Lucifer: ...I didn't see pancakes?

Alastor: YOU UNGRATEFUL, PRIVILEGED BRAT, SEE IF I EVER MAKE BREAKFAST AGAIN!

[meansevika]

— this fandom has a vast misogynoirist problem and, yes, this also applies to YOU reading this right now; a post filled w unsorted thoughts you should read if you genuinely want black fans to feel safe in fandom spaces with you

i am going to preface this right away w how disappointed i am in some of the people who follow me, who will occasionally like a post calling out misogynoir but only if its comfortable and only if its worded nicely and only if its against someone they dislike and not someone they do like. i am directly talking to my non-black followers because i do not expect black fans to expose themselves to this kind of hatred and thinly (and not so thinly) veiled racism we are faced w on a daily basis. some of you have a big following and a big portion of that following is white and YOU have the opportunity to use your POWER (and, yes, even in fandoms there are different power dynamics because logging onto twitter dot com does not remove the burden of blackness within overtly white spaces, this too is a space where having white privileges will get you places) and talk about these issues that have been becoming more and more prevalent.

our voices are not heard and when they are heard they get twisted by white and non-black fans who prioritize their love for shipping and their male centeredness over racism within fandom and more importantly: racism that is perpetuated by them. a very loud portion of this fandom has painted an image of "angry black women" without ever actually calling them black women because they are socially aware enough to know that it is racist to say so. instead they say it in different ways: they call us rabid, they call us delusional, they call us homophobic straights and love to strip us of our queerness in the same breath, they call us ableists even though this fandom has had several conversations about this, they call us aggressive, they say we are jealous of a mlm ship, they say we are irrational, they call us everything but the one thing we are: black. yet the painted picture is very clear to me and surely every other black person who has ever engaged dominantly white spaces: the big black bully! this is the easiest way to "aggressive black woman" your way through genuine critcism without ever saying it w those words nor acknowledging the thing you are criticized for.

and it becomes even more obvious when you read-over and over again-those attempts at demonizing an overtly black part of fandom (which mel/meljay fandom is and which i will come back to later) while NONE ever mention the things black people ARE saying because whenever you get ratioed for cuck art, whenever you get asked why you erase mel from the story, whenever people ask where mel is in arcane character group arts, whenever you mischaracterize mel for a mlm ship, whenever you strip her of her feelings, whenever you make her an abuser, whenever you dehuminaze her, whenever you deify her, whenever you cry that you cannot criticize her yet dont ever criticize her outside of that ship you so like, whenever any of this happens black fans HAVE and WILL tell you that this is antiblack, its misogynistic, but most of all-since a word for this phenomenon already exists-it is misogynoir. you are participating in misogynoir. your every like is supporting misogynoir. the active erasure of a black woman in fandom is misogynoir. whenever you strip black fans of their credibility to speak out against racism bc we are just "crazy shippers on an agenda", that is misogynoir too. people who arent in this fandom have been clocking this. they see us saying this. they avoid watching the show or engaging w this fandom because the misogynoir is so prevalent here and it is unchallenged by everyone but black people and a few allys who actually mean their shit when they talk about allyship.

the rest of you barely skim our texts or just go "well im not racist so this doesnt apply to me" instead of listening to us trying to explain what the issue is. you guys are so sure that you are a good ally, that you arent racist, that nothing you do is ever misogynoirist, yet you dont even realize that you dismiss or even silence black voices you dont like by villainizing every black fan who wants to talk about this and uplifting every black person who says the things you want to hear. to the point that a black user here can use the hard r and white people are trying to educate black people why that is okay or isnt okay. all while that person even apologized and had to tell you guys to not speak over black people in defense of them. do you not see that you are tokenizing the black voices you deem comfortable while ignoring every voice that asks for a little bit of accountability in your contribution to the horrid antiblackness on arcanetwt?

but, no, no, rest assured this doesnt just apply to the fans but to the character in question too after all there is a reason why meltwt/meljaytwt is so outspoken on this. it isnt about her partner being shipped w someone else, most of us dont even care for the ship, our issue is the constant attempt at erasing her from the relationship she was in and those are two completely different things even if you blatantly choose to look the other way and fabricate lies. mel medarda, despite always being spoken about as beautiful and complex and such a great character, so far even that people say they want her to leave jayce so they can have her for herself, has a very small following. she has less fics on ao3 than the others, barely any x reader ship despite so many people claiming to shipping themselves with her, she gets less solo art and even less w other people or her canonical ship. she is constantly being othered. just recently we had someone exclude her from group art and saying she was the teacher while her same aged peers were drawn as students. to many she simply doesnt exist and if you care about mel, if you actually do like her, if you seek out her content, this becomes abundantly clear real quick: mel does not exist as a main character to arcanetwt.

she is a side character to many of you. she is a side character like any other black women in fiction because you as fans were conditioned by young age to view black women as that. you are surrounded by the sassy black best friend, the angry black woman, the disposable black girlfriend who will always just be a temporary love interest, side character a and side character b - you grew up in a world where you view black women like that. that is why her fandom is so small. just like any other black female characters are small. no other main character gets this type of treatment other than her. and that her fandom is so small is just another indicator for that. and that it mostly consists of black fans is another indicator too because those very often are the only ones capable to see a black woman as a character in herself and not just a nice compliment in a sentence in between. this, too, is misogynoir btw and saying "well i just prefer this and this character" only works so many times before you gotta put the work in and question your racial bias and i am telling you YOU HAVE TO to OVERCOME that and i am telling you that because i too used to not care about black female characters.

i grew up in a very white society and was one of those kids who were trying to be as white as possible to cater to white ppl and i had to actively unlearn to ignore dark skinned women in any media and woah let me tell you once you do you realize there are so many beautiful characters to obsess over and so many new people to meet and it WILL change your view on a lot of things in fandom and it will make you AWARE and that is a good thing. you should be woke. being woke is a good thing no matter how many people say it isnt. its just nobody can do this for you but you yourself. you will see the mistreatment of fans and you will get angry about this and you will get uncomfortable too bc you might be nonblack you might even be white but that is just what it is and how its going to be and i appeal to you to be loud w us as well, to fight for a fandom space where white fans arent the only ones who get to enjoy sillies and whimsicals, where we can move and have fun w/o being confronted w unchallenged racism and people being too proud to work on their biases or even take any critcism, i beg you to not gaf about aesthetics and what you want your blog to look like and i beg you to not gaf about what your peers might think of you bc trust me you do not want to be the person belittling antiblackness for the sake of getting a few likes on an art piece where two people you like smooch.

this affects real black people even if arcanetwt wants to say we arent real or dont care about black issues. this is a black issue just like it'd be w any recreational activity

[pearlofthewoods]

I think there’s a lot of nuance to the whole discussion of what went down on the short-lived non-US tiktok.

Like yes, some of the takes were a little mean/in bad faith… but this here, this is something we ABSOLUTELY should be talking about.

Because perhaps, (through no fault of the Americans’ own) the discussion of regional UK representation just gets a little buried when the vast majority of tiktok-fandom is made up of Americans.

I’m not one to care about dialect mistakes or Americanisms in fics. At all. I’m just lucky I write for this fandom and I am British, so I largely don’t have to worry about this sort of thing. But I know that others do. And I know I’m privileged in that regard.

Because getting nitpicked for things that you have no cultural context for/way of understanding must be hell. No one deserves to have that done to their fic.

So in no way am I saying Americans or even people in the UK who live outside the Midlands are obliged to write Lily from the Midlands.

Write whatever you’re comfortable with writing. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do.

But that being said, I’m going to make an active effort to look for and uplift fics that centre Lily’s background and identity as a midlands-gal.

Because there’s so little representation for people outside of London/ the South in general in UK media and also unfortunately, in fanfiction. Particularly for the midlands.

I’ve been seeing more fics set in the North or in Wales or Scotland recently and I love it. I really want to see the same for others areas of the UK.

I personally don’t feel qualified right now to write that myself (not being a gal from the midlands), but I really wanna highlight fic writers who do write Midlands!Lily and are from the region themselves.

So if you know of any fics like this, or writers who include the Midlands in their work, drop them in the comments below!! Let’s give all areas of the UK the love they deserve.

Why do I have Americans on TikTok coming for my neck in the MASSES because I said that it's upsetting that I never see Lily Evans represented as a lower-middle class girl crowing up in the industrial midlands as an outsider to the majority of her close-knit VERY ENGLISH MIDLANDS-Y community

'You have representation everywhere' NO I DON'T

I CANNOT NAME A SINGLE OTHER CHARACTER LIKE THAT EVER

Her and Severus are the only characters I've EVER seen from my background, I'm allowed to be a little upset if I've never seen anybody else in the fandom explore or appreciate that. it wasn't even a personal attack on America, it was an observation

[tentacle-therapissed]

Amber Heard, Megan thee Stallion, Blake Lively… I just feel so frustrated with the effectiveness of smear campaigns against these women who, if you can rub two brain cells together, are clearly victims of male violence. It’s really disheartening to know a lot of women fall for it and tend to be the worst perpetrators of harassment against other women. I don’t know if they’re stupid or not but I feel like we need to stop giving anyone grace with misogyny anymore.

I saw a TikTok (unfortunately, I need to get off that app) theorizing that the reason so many women are the worst perpetrators of harassment in these smear campaigns is because they’re subconsciously afraid of the implications when a rich, privileged, beloved, successful woman goes through something like this. You either have to accept that misogyny is so prevalent in our current society that not only are these women unable to shield themselves from abuse, but the entire world is willing to turn on them and ridicule them in a heartbeat… or you have to believe that the woman must actually be lying, that she provoked the man, that she’s problematic, that she misbehaved, and therefore she actually deserves this treatment. That if YOU were in that situation you wouldn’t be subject to the same treatment. I see a lot of rhetoric with these cases along the lines of ‘what do I care about the struggles of a rich, privileged celebrity?’ Blake Lively was a beautiful, successful, beloved A-lister with money, resources, and high-profile connections and none of that mattered in the end. If it can happen to her, it can happen to every single one of us.

A lot of these women, on the other hand, have gone through abuse themselves and are willing to throw other victims under the bus to try and gain approval for their own story. ‘This person behaved imperfectly but I didn’t, therefore you should believe me and not her.’ They don’t realize no woman is perfect enough to be a believable victim in our society. But they get temporary validation from people who will use them in their arguments to go ‘see? this is what a REAL victim looks like. [insert celebrity here] is harming REAL victims by lying about being abused.’

I think another huge aspect of it though, at least when it comes to how easily women fall for Johnny Depp’s patented DARVO method, is the insidious way in which progressive values are twisted to make misogyny sound woke. ‘Feminism is about treating men and women EQUALLY’ ‘feminism means treating women like people, and people are flawed’ ‘feminism benefits men too! we care about men’s issues! men’s mental health! male abuse victims!’ These things all sound nice in theory but oppressed classes are NOT equal to their oppressors and that’s exactly why their voices need to be amplified more. These types of issues ARE gendered because it’s statistically more likely for a man to be mistreating a woman than vice versa. It’s safe and easy to call yourself a feminist while still catering to your oppressors, and it feels right because that’s what we’ve been taught to do. But it isn’t going to get us anywhere.

[socksual-innuendos]

I've always said that Raul's quest endings seem a bit misplaced/misdirected and I feel like it's time I finally get around to explaining why.

So, in reality, I think given Raul's backstory and the situation we find him in, the retirement ending doesn't make sense to me. Accept you're an old man and leave the gun slinging to the new generation....maybe, for someone who's actually long hauled fighting and not done scraps only when emotions ran high.

Raul makes cracks about being an old, grumpy man, and while we know ghoulification slows aging/he ghouled when he was in his 30s, "being old" seems like a red herring for his real conflict; isolation.

Raul isolates himself like crazy. We see this in his shack, his town wandering, the outskirts of communities, his "Old Miguel" persona. Even his sees-you-as-Her obsession with Claudia screams outside looking in. He craves community in some fashion and he denies himself it for several reasons. And honestly, denies might he too strong of a word here. The man has 2 charisma, he very well might not know how to integrate into a post apocalyptic society.

I say keep Raul's Ghost Vaquero end as one option, one that reinforces this outsider burden he holds fast to but gives him a new purpose as a ghoul in the post apocalypse, and the other end is where he ends up part of a community, realizing that even if his home and family have gone that there are ways to rebuild with others. More so, either toss retirement out the window completely or make it the neutral ending when the courier aquires him as a companion but doesn't complete his quest.

I still do like the idea of him seeming to think himself too old for things, but he should also self limit when being talked into a "potential" retirement end. Raul doesnt know what he wants yet, he's a pre war man who suddenly had expectations, tradition, and family knocked out of him in several large mushroom clouds.

Retirement sounds Correct for a man his age, even though the proper thing to do at his age is to be a century past dead. But he doesn't feel like he's of retiring time. His knees creak, and his back hurts, and this shit started before he ghouled because he was a man in his 30s who worked on his family's ranch since being knee-high and despite physically feeling like he could keep going, emotionally he has no where to put it.

There is this misplaced sense of self Raul has, where he was very likely not even the spare to his family's ranch (which, I will reiterate again. His family is well off to be running a horse ranch) but he had some inherent place in society via his relationships with other people. He grew up with enough privilege and social guidelines to get by with 2 charisma (assuming this wasn't skill degradation post-war). This would need to be rehauled not only after the bombs dropped, but once societies started reforming in the post apocalypse.

Anyway, I think Raul's two endings best fit him as

Ghost Vaquero, the vengeful spirit of Hidalgo Ranch. This is to work in such a way that it almost strip him of his current identity, taking on all the baggage of his loss and forming it into a driving force for bounty hunting. Actual justice results may vary.

Old Mechanics End. Raul allows himself to settle into a community proper, allows himself to aquaint and even befriend people, and occupationally becomes their mechanic/trade mentor with a bit of gun slinging as needed for town defense.

Which my last addition to this (i am ranting now) is that it seems hilarious to me that being multifaceted with mechanics and being quick with a gun was suddenly placed in an either or scenario. Raul is a boon to have in any community. Man can shoot and man can repair, literally perfect. It makes sense his vanilla retirement end doesnt allow him gunslinging because you basically damn him to depression routine but get him some SSRIs and a knitting circle and he can have his wrench and gun cake and eat it too.

Anyway thanks for coming to my Ghoul Talk, AMA about my boy

[improvidus]

From The Private Polaroid Collection of Jack Dalton and also this post:

First Christmas after they're discharged, Mac's hair has gotten pretty long and if you don't think Jack breaks out the Legolas/Barbie/Rapunzel jokes, I respect that opinion but you're wrong.

So, Christmas morning comes around and Mac is tryna be nonchalant about this giant gift he's unwrapping and--

It's a l'oreal hair care basket. Oil treatments, masks, shower cap, the works.

The Polaroid of Mac's deadpan expression while he holds up the gift is one of Jack's most prized possessions and lives tucked away in his sock drawer.

(@macgyverbingo)

[cantfightmoonlight]

"More like I was desperate to try to find a silver a good in a really fucked up situation?" She admitted quietly after a prolonged breath. "When they had been appalled at what had happened to me, they made me feel seen and maybe a little validated," She let out a small sigh as she pivoted from where she was sitting to face her cousin. "When I came back, I really did think it would all be okay, you know? Like if I just found you and Luna then everything would go back to the way it should be. It might not have been the plan, but we could pivot? I could adjust. I could be adjustable. I know I never really had a good track record of that in the past, but we'd figure it out. Only, Luna never really cared about me like that. I was just a chapter in her book. A mistake she had no problem moving on from and this place, filled with people I thought would be my friends and neighbors, were kind of awful. I never had people outwardly hate me before or be mean, which I know makes me sound privileged as fuck and I probably was. But, whenever everyone seemed to just expect me to get over it, move on and figure out all this vampire stuff all on my own, Lo and Dilan had been the ones who said hey, it's okay to take a moment for yourself. Grieve or something? So, that's what's this was supposed to be is all. Less fun as much as making space I suppose? As cliché as that sounds now that everyone is doing it for the lyrics of Defying Gravity. But, it was supposed to be something. You know, if they hadn't forgotten about it and all," Her shoulders lifted and fell into a small shrug.

She didn't say anything when he told her that she deserved a lot. She had a feeling whatever she could say wouldn't exactly be the best contribution. Not when the idea of hope, a mentality she once had clung so strongly to, felt almost toxic now. "They do. But, it's okay. I'm sort of used to it now," She admitted with another small shrug. "Jonah, it's okay," Her brow eyes met his as she gave him a genuine and reassuring smile. "Jake started his speech with 'I’d tell you it starts with F' and there might not have been a 'U'- his speech was actually kind of nice despite it sort of sounding like some political advisor's stance on civility. But, I'm pretty sure I'm still one of his least favorite people in this room. Aaliyah told me when I first turned to eat oranges to stop me from burning in the sun and I was nearly fried to a crisp, so I'm sure that will come up at some point too. My own best friend, last year on my birthday, told me she was scared of me, when I lost empathy. Ken's told me to my face that just because I'm friends with Leyla doesn't mean that he has to be mine, and the list goes on and on. The people here don't like me and it's okay." She didn't particularly like herself either, so at least they had something in common. The corner of her lips itched up into a hint of a smile, however deprecating, at the thought.

"You didn't make me cry, Jonah. I cried because I realized that another year has gone by. Another birthday and, despite being back for three years, I still can't shake this feeling that I should have stayed dead. I'm not trying to freak you out by admitting that, by the way. It's just my life seemed better before. I was better before. At least I liked me better and the majority of people I knew seemed to too for that matter. And that's not to say that I don't have good things going. I love Ben, so much so, and I would have never had the chance to fall in love with him if I hadn't come back. But, I also wish I came back as a human and not this." Not as some freak of nature. It was ironic really, how as a human she used to see vampires as beautiful. She had been in complete and utter awe of them, only to realize, that she might have been one of the few people who had genuinely felt that way after turning. "I cried because three birthdays have gone by and not much has changed for me. I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing. My body still seems to be rejecting what I've become and, even if it wasn't, it's not like I have a lot of guidance when it comes to figuring it out. People are still calling me a monster, a bitch and a whole other slew of names. And, while Dilan and you came to check on me, no one defended me. Not when I was called an 'entitled asshole'. That's not me criticizing you either, I hope you know, even though I know you might take it as another way you messed up, when its not. I didn't ask you to come to my defense and I probably was being an entitled asshole. But, I cried because I was upset with my life and, in part, myself. While, I'm hiding because this was about the place I could find to have a moment to do what this whole party was supposed to be about to begin with- grieve the death of the girl I lost and get over myself," She shrugged once more.

"So," She reached out and gave his hand another small squeeze. "Don't feel bad, okay? Or feel like you can't participate in White Elephant anymore. It was never about a silly game to begin with."

.

That, her not contesting or declining the offer to drink without a glass, gave away a lot into how Bri was feeling, and all it did was make Jonah slump lower into the seat. "You were thinking it could be fun. There's no way to predict the mess before that would led to this day not meeting your expectations. They did have the right idea, to close that chapter and celebrate your life, you should be celebrated, now and always, have a good birthday for once. You deserve a lot. People don't hate you Bri, there's a lot of love here for you tonight and always," he said softly. But he couldn't help the heavy feeling that sat on his chest, to know that he couldn't help make this different for her, that he lacked something or failed at expressing he cared for her, and perhaps in a way he did fail her. In a lot of way even. He certainly couldn't make anything better no matter how hard he tried to do so.

"I'll take that as a good thing. That's something I'm doing right tonight. Drinking. Maybe it'll help me to not be so…me." He laughed and took another long swig. While her tone indicated to that being sincere, he found it a little difficult to believe, given she was hiding was a prime indicator. But he nodded all the same, "Yeah, okay. We can stay here, I don't want to leave." Her question made him scoff, "What didn't I mess up?" he answered, "I know I made you cry, there's that. I think-" he said with a nod, solidifying it within himself as he spoke, "- I think I'm not gonna participate in White Elephant anymore. Does a resolution count if you make it before the new year? Whatever. I'm not doing it again. It's not worth to see you upset."

[beastblade69]

well that's fucking awesome. all of the damage russians have done to our electric infrastructure can be repaired in one year minimum. IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE TAHN ONE YEAR TO REPAIR ALL OF THE ELECTRIC STATIONS RUSSIANS HIT WITH THEIR MISSILES. AND WE AIN'T EVEN TALKING ABOUT CIVILIAN OR ANY OTHER INFRASTRUCTURE. ONLY ELECTRIC ONE. MORE THAN ONE YEAR. AND WE ARE STILL NOT STRUGGLING ENOUGH IN ONLINE PEOPLE'S OPINION. FUCK OFF

[fite-club]

it's just becoming increasingly apparent that the issue some of you have with radical feminism is actually the feminism part. you're not actually a feminist if you believe that men don't benefit from male privilege, or that we need to stop talking about the patriarchy, or that everyone is just too mean to men and it pushes them into the manosphere. it is not a "radfem talking point" that men have privilege in society over women, it's a basic feminist talking point. nothing makes any of this more obvious than the demonizing of transfems who talk about transmisogyny as "drinking the radfem koolaid" or "being TERFy" or god forbid "transradfems". pointing out the ways that misogyny functions is step one of all feminism and some of y'all are acting like it's already a step too far. grow up!

[wolfsong-the-bloody-beast]

Some people in this fandom claim that they want complex characters, but they can't even handle Bellara.

"Why does Bellara, a Dalish elf, feel guilty over what her ancestors did?"

Like, do you understand that she says something like that in that one dialogue cutscene because she is falling apart under absolutely unimaginable circumstances, and people feel and say irrational things when they're in a crisis? Do you understand that sometimes people need to work through complicated emotions that aren't actually facts? Have you never experienced self-loathing thoughts based on where you live or where you come from?

[gothteddiesdotcom]

oh my god re: your recent post... the 'girl dinner' shit. omfg. idc if it's 'not that deep' you're still reinforcing terrible shit!!! and also the like 'boys when they see a stick/cool rock' and 'girls when they time travel vs boys when they time travel' wojaks. the gender-fication of barbie vs. oppenheimer. why the fuck is the recent internet zeitgeist hyper stereotypical cisnormativity. like. i thought we had collectively outgrown this.

exactly. And that’s all just some parts of it too. People pretend they’re so on top of things but it’s just because they don’t want to seem out of touch and offensive. It’s wild watching people barf out gender binaries with new terms and new ways to categorize trans people as not their gender and new ways to reinforce the same gender roles on ourselves but in “good” ways now. It’s just….really frustrating and pretty terrifying at the same time

[nejackdaw]

Thinking about Celann and his ever present grief at the life he could have had, he and his wife and (he always hoped) their daughter. A life where he was a father--he'd hardly ever wanted anything more than that. So full of love he was ready to burst and needed somewhere to put it, wanted a life with his favorite girls.

Thinking about how the ever present desire haunts him no matter how deep he buried it. It keeps coming back, relentlessly, this anguish that he threw it all away. He could have had exactly what he wanted and he was stupid enough to abandon it all, and for what? Because he was upset? But then he always remembers how hollow he felt after the incident, like if you rapped him with a knuckle you'd hear he was just a shell. He forgives himself, then, remembers how wrong everything felt, and he thinks about all the time he spent desperately trying to make everything feel right again.

Remembers when he realized he was the problem, what needed to be fixed. Removed.

He abandoned the life he had and every dream he'd ever held close because he wasn't him anymore. Celann would never have killed anyone, would never have done... that. He was some other Celann, different, trying to make himself fit in the life of a man that no longer existed. And so he left.

And he has no right to ache so badly at the thought of what he gave up, no right to ache at the loss of a family (of two families, but he starts thinking that and breaks every time, so he's gotten good at simply skipping over the thought) when he was a killer--an adept one, a practiced one--that could mangle and maul and kill and do it again and again. What right does he have to still want that happy little dream?

But the dream is a ghost and it haunts him, is there every time he's out on a supply run and sees kids playing around the marketplace, sees women cradling infants and fathers carrying sons on their shoulders. (He reminds himself of the blood on his hands, is scared he might stain them with it if he reaches out to touch them.) It's there when he has a bag and his axe hanging from his hips and finds a girl crying for her mother, lost and separated, jostled by the crowd.

It's there as he calms her, kneeling on wet and gritty stone, hovering between her and the flow of the crowd so they give her space. He lifts her and holds her against his side with one arm and something in him weeps, feels something soft in him as her tiny weight settles and she starts chattering at him about the groceries she and her mother came to buy.

They weave their way through the marketplace as they help each other--she tells him where he can find what he needs, and he silently curses the nords and their height as he tries to peer over shoulders to catch a glimpse of the woman she described--and that cold weight that's usually settled in his chest, his grief and remorse, lightens with every step. She's warm through his sweater and splutters indignantly every time the ever changing wind blows her brown hair into her mouth and he laughs, quiet and warm.

They check places she's already been, in case her mother doubled back looking for her, and take detours so Celann can fumble to place newly acquired groceries in the bag beneath her, unwilling to hold her over the side with his axe and equally unwilling to put her down, awkwardly shifting her weight as she laughs at him. He's silly for buying such expensive things, she tells him, and he light heartedly tells her Skyrim is silly for not having the things he used to use in High Rock. The revelation he hasn't always lived in Skyrim excites her to no end, and the rest of the trip is a Q&A of the sort only a small child can provide.

He feels warm inside, in his chest, where usually he feels vaguely cold at best, and for a moment he's reluctant to relinquish her when they finally find her mother, guided by the sounds of panicked calls of her name. There's a fond sadness as he sets her down on the stones again, and the woman looks at him oddly for a moment before the look turns knowing, though he's sure the conclusion she reached is slightly off.

She quietly asks if her daughter reminds him of her. He stands there silently for a moment, looking down at the little girl as she rifles through the things her mother's found.

He tells her yes.

[moe-broey]

"An awkward gesture" like yeah. And that group of guys who gathered around in Portland ME in full Nazi paraphernalia on April 1st that one year were just joking. Right.

[readymades2002]

sorry i'll delete this later if i remember but i need to complain about a post i saw (SORRY). post about "if a retail worker took a desk job for a day everything would probably be fine and if a desk worker was in retail for a day they'd break down" and the notes are predictably full of people working desk jobs going THAT is NOT true this is STILL labor this is STILL work there is NO unskilled labor how could you throw your fellow workers under the bus like this

which, whatever, i think applying "no such thing as unskilled labor" to that situation when unskilled labor is usually taken to mean menial physical labor and not desk work is tacky but whatever. but also how the fuckkkkkk are you getting desk jobs 😭 seeing people go "you forget many desk workers DID their time in customer-facing work and took a desk job to get away from it" as if "getting away from it" is that easy!!! drives me up the fucking wall!!! whatever

[rawliverandgoronspice]

.

not sure it's my post to make particularly, but I do fucking hate how the concept of white guilt gets weaponized within white people ingroups to throw at each other in order to goad each other into emotional passivity, detachement and inaction, it's just so extremely not what the concept is about initially and is actually still an extension of white guilt it turns out!!! as it's still reacting to that idea and concerned by trying to sever oneself from its perceived effects, regardless of what those are and what they do and what bigger picture they exist in!!!! anyway.

[mars-ipan]

this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately