#so i've felt really isolated | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

naomiknight-17 · 8 months ago

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A friend visited us for Easter weekend, and when I hugged her to say goodbye, I realized it was the first time I'd hugged a friend in over 3 months

I need to find a club to join or something. I'm so lonely

#i have my family and husband close but i hardly ever get to see my friends #most of them live far enough away that it's hard for me to travel to see them. and i haven't been invited #and many have been too busy or too sick to come visit me #so i've felt really isolated #there's a community center being built nearby but it could be years before anything is usable...#seriously considering checking if the local baptist church has some kind of club i can join #and i am not religious and not baptist #but i need to do SOMETHING #mod post #loneliness #negative #idk #ask to tag

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 2 years ago

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Drew WWX and LWJ after I finished my rewatch of The Untamed a few months ago. I have gotten marginally better. May this set a benchmark for what to expect from this blog.

June 2023 redraw, June 2024 redraw

#Poorly Drawn MDZS #MDZS #wei wuxian #Lan Wanji #there are a lot of great artists in this fandom. I am not one of them #I've always admired artists a lot so I wanted to try learning how to draw #And the only way to start is to draw a lot. Enter the audio drama (and my desire to listen to it guilt free)#doing both at once was my way of participating in my own fandom #as much as I wanted to be super social on the MDZS forums...I honestly got really nervous #I have nothing to contribute besides going 'cool!' to other people's art #Writing and historical/theory posts. It kinda felt worse than isolation...#That aside...I am just here to dump my silly comics and I expect absolutely nothing to come of it #I'm blogging like that lady from that julia child movie. about the cookbook. I forgot what its called. this is just a journal to me

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orionsangel86 · 7 months ago

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#I know this is gonna come across as a bit pathetic #but I was already feeling a bit untethered today #wondering if I actually have a purpose here #ever since I came back to tumblr after my 4 month break I've felt very alone here #it feels a bit like everyone moved on without me #and I dunno i guess I hoped I'd be able to dive right back in again and just start engaging and enjoying it #but honestly I have been plagued with anxiety and intrusive thoughts about not being wanted #and the last thing I needed was some asshole anon #I'm already wondering if people are finding my event annoying #like maybe i should just shut up and quit #but I really fucking like doing this stuff I just wish I didn't feel so isolated #I'm being stupid i know #you should never trust how you feel about yourself after 9pm #but bleurgh its a horrible feeling #shut up saz

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awesomewithoutme · 6 months ago

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I've felt so lonely and isolated here lately. I know it's literally all in my head, because everyone here loves me. 💅 but just because somethings all in your head doesn't mean it doesn't bother you. 💔

#sorry I'm so negative lately #I just can't help but feel like I don't really have a place on here anymore #I remember back when I was more heavily in the PATD fandom there was SO MUCH drama and fighting #there isn't really a Panic! fandom anymore because the fans got too divided #at some point the Swiftie community became my “thing”#but I don't really feel like I belong here either #last year was fine #but lately I've felt isolated from all my moots #although you know what they say: don't trust your brain late at night #I'll go to bed now #my thoughts #she speaks!

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em0-opossum · 1 year ago

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sick of people acting like being alone/lonely = being single. ofc you're allowed to feel like that, I'm aro and could not care less that I don't have a partner so I have no idea what it feels like to have that experience, but god just once I'd like to find poetry and art made by people who know how it feels to have no friends and feel lonely no matter how many people are around you and know that you don't belong no matter where you are

#I'm lucky enough to have two good friends right now who i love very much #but that doesn't mean that they understand how i feel or how i have felt #and knowing you're alone in that overbearing loneliness just alienates you more and further perpetuates the feeling #i still miss out on so many opportunities to be friends with people i genuinely want to be friends with so bad because i can't talk to them #i still get so paranoid sometimes and stop replying to anyone because I'm convinced they hate me and there's something wrong with me #sometimes to the point where i avoid teachers who i need to talk to because i am sure that everything i say will be wrong #even someone being nice can feel awful because i think that they just feel bad or are pretending and actually trying to make fun of me #i know nobody actually knows who i am or how i feel because i hide everything to fit in with people and what they need/want #i have never felt like i belong anywhere and trying to explain that to people is so hard #there are times i love being alone but knowing that I've missed out on every regular human experience is so isolating #i just want to be normal and have friends i love and hang out with and talk to and not feel like every word i say could be the end of me #and when i try to find anybody who relates all i get is “oh im alone again :(( being single is awful”#i really do empathize with those people but it is nothing like my experience of loneliness #(tags are just for finding people who relate)#social anxiety #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #actuallyavpd #loneliness #chronic loneliness

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blackvahana · 2 months ago

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Yeah. Man. I'm just sitting here remembering I've been doing this my entire life. I feel like there was a patch I wasn't, part of the teen years, and that's either I've forgotten because trauma orrrr something else but

No wonder I've never felt anchored on this plane. But it doesn't matter, well, no, it matters a lot, but this life is just constantly isolating in how it works so I will keep the talk of not fitting in here and what being weirdly one got in one foot out has done to talking to myself lmfao but... I remember. I remember being in the garden as a really young child and I'm not a young child. I'm this chimaeric fairy-type thing of swirling and bulging colours like a psychedelic faceted-insect-eye's led trip, four or more wings of different types that are again, so ungrounded, so psychedelic, vivid. Not uncertain. Not half-formed. Fully formed, the starbeing in me just barely contained in the shape of the human-pretending-to-be-a-fae it's pretending to be

I remember so much, actually, and it's. it's just weirdly melancholic....? Maybe not melancholic, but it's so sad and I don't know why. Actually. I mean I've been trying to piece it together for like twenty minutes now but... People get a little irritated at me for being very "you don't understand and no one sees me" but like. I have lived an entire life walkinv streets where no one sees me. It's very complicated, there's. mental health stuff in there because of course I've come across a lot of spirits but I have bad issues seeing people as real but like. Man yeah no I am a snail and one part of me can be physically seen but the other has always been on the other side

#There's a lot to this that I just don't want to get into because it's no ones business irt mental health issues influencing #isolation and then trauma and stuff. It's not a matter of ''I was involved in astral stuff and no one else in the world Ever has been''#lmfao like it's just that. Astral self is still me and man. Idk. Realising these past few years constantly the Trauma(tm)#And it makes so many physical events now make sense where like I felt like I could (do astral stuff) and #Man. It's just. There's so much melancholic distance in these astral memories kept behing the Mask Face expression #it really is like. you ever have to leave someone at a bus stop or airport and you're not sure you'll ever see them again #It's this weird heavy and distinct feeling looking at myself like this astral body is a family dog I've just left in #à forest at night and I'm driving away from them and they just know. It's not like Tears Flowing sad it's this. the entire form #just swallows existence. It just is eternally falling away from the world and swallowing it as it goes #It's not a dog left at the roadside its the goddamn ghost of one left years ago. You see it and you aren't sad about leaving your #dog you're like wow. That dogs still here. I don't know what to do. It's image is burned into my retina. It's looking at me #I can see it getting further away in the rear view mirror and no one would ever believe me I'm seeing a ghost so this moment #is etched into my mind now. Except. The memory fades anyway when you look away. It's so like....... It's not even sad #It's just a ghost. I was worried about connecting astral and physical bodies and starting this journey to projection #fully consciously because I knew there'd be a lot of Trauma but this isn't even trauma it's just... My god. I've existed my #entire life as a ghost. like. /ghost/ ghost. Ghost. haunting my own existence. And it's again not just sad it's this weird...#I feel like I've only ever been able to exist off this plane. I exist in this liminal state I exist most freely when unwanted #Not because I need to be unwanted but because what I am freaks people out #Yeah that. vision. that vision of my astral form in this weird obscure unplaceable large animal with a blurred #mask like face in the headlights or tail lights of a car - it's hard to know because it warps reality. I don't know what direction #I'm travelling. I don't know what this thing is. but it's on this forest-flanked road in these lights and it's looking and #there's no one around that can elucdiate the situation and............. Yeah. Man. Yeah.#ramblings //#Astral body //#Astral diary //

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halfdeadwallfly · 9 months ago

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hello i just wrote a poem and for some reason it feels important

#important to me #idk #it's about things that i've been afraid of #i just have the first stanza so far #on my fear in grade school that i would get pregnant from having feelings for people #legitimately #it was a very deep shame that i felt on the daily and felt so strongly that i needed to hide #i would stand in front of the mirror and check my stomach #scared that any weight i was gaining would mean that i was pregnant #it did not btw #and you know sometimes i think about that #how that was such a big fear and shame for me #how i genuinely. genuinely thought. that i was at risk of getting pregnant #just because i wanted to like. hold hand with some guy at math team practice #i think a lot about how i never actually received a sex education- from school or from my parents #how i grew up hearing the virtues of the virgin mary- not connecting until my mid-teens what virgin really meant #i think about what i had to learn from the internet of all places #and what i still don't know #about how isolated i feel when it comes to romance and sexuality #because i never had an outlet to understand or express potential interests or desires #anyway putting some of that into text just feels like a moment for me i guess #boink #poetry

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savage-rhi · 11 months ago

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✨️Magenta✨️

#I've been really sad lately #its logical I've had a lot happen and a lot going on #and I've been mostly bedridden the past week cause of fibro flares #my brain can see the logic of why my body feels burnt out and why i feel anxious #but i also have this profound sense of loneliness that's been weighing on my chest #I feel the need to isolate and get away from people because it feels like it doesn't matter how much i try to blend in someone #will catch onto me being an “alien” or not quite fitting their mold or having a difference of opinion and i get bullied or ostracized #out of participating with folks or doing activities #and i get so overwhelmed by people and their literal energy/vibes that it feels as though I'm caught in a sneaker wave and being pulled #from shore and this is compounded on top of that feeling of being surrounded by people like tons of them who may even enjoy your company #but still feel very much isolated and alone the whole time #it could be winter triggering trauma responses in me due to childhood abuse related to the holidays #and then there's me trying to brainstorm how i can make money with my creativity when i have little to no help with anyone #and no one will give me a chance to bounce ideas and get a third persons opinion #its felt like this since i can remember: people value that i listen and reflect all the while show compassion #and then when i really need it myself and attempt to reach out i get the door shut in my face #it feels like the only people that have truly listened to me are therapists lmao and it hurts cause its like i gotta pay someone #just to listen to me go off on this idea i have for a side hustle a creative pursuit something i love #and i can't really share that with anyone irl because I'm supposed to be everyones therapist #and its shitty i dont get paid for it if thats the case lol #i feel like tumblr is the only spot I really have where i can share a lot of myself and make things that make others and myself happy #i don't know what id do without it #magenta is my safe word for venting #thanks for coming to my tedtalk as i write into the void #getting shit off my chest at 4am #i aint gettin no sleep cause of yall yall not gon get no sleep cause of meeee

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monstermp3 · 6 months ago

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♡

#starting to believe that maybe all this while i've been punishing myself by isolating myself from people who care abt me #like there have been times when i felt that friends just didnt care. also been times i felt too ashamed to ask for help or seek company #but i think i just gotta give myself grace like . i'm human. it's fine to seek platonic connection n a listening ear. it's Normal #anw so!! i met my best friend for yoga (for the first time!) yday n we talked SO MUCH!! we talked about life careers sexuality relationshi #i also told her about smth that has been plaguing me for two days. specifically my ex ahgkhgjgjns n . talking about it really helped me #what a shocker!!!! that talking about your worries n feelings helps!!! ksggfjsnjkgnjkndg #n i learnt so many new things about her... we usually meet in a group n it's always just a roulette of quick life nuggets #but yday i realised that i never really found out what she's really been up to. i've not had a one-to-one conversation with her in ages!!#thats crazy considering that we're such good friends.... omg. n so it really made me see how much i craved that connection #n how much i'm tormenting myself by isolating myself and depriving myself of the joy that i tend to get from deep social connections :(#n i think maybe it's time to start putting that past self who was too ashamed to reach out for help behind me #idk its been really nice talking to an old friend n being 100% comfortable u know?? it made me realise how much i missed deep connections #my point is i've missed this!!!!! maybe i should do it more!!!!!#personal

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stabbylambchop · 1 year ago

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Hey uh

anyone here on Art Fight this year or-

Cuz I'm on there, same name and everything. I'm on Team Vampires.

You can like, add me or whatever...I mean, if you want...

I haven't interacted with anyone on here or even really drawn in a couple months, sweet pulsating spider-christ ...

#I KNOW I KNOW I CAN JUST. DO THE THING. BUT I ALSO CAN'T. YKNOW????#I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN I DON'T #I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH HEALTH Y'ALL #and sometimes instead of bouncing back and forth from feeling stable enough to do things and absolute dog shit i just-#-'welp i guess I'll just not do anything! that'll solve all of my problems! I'll get better if i don't do things and just rest and space out #-'WOW I CAN JUST BE ISOLATED AND PATHETIC IN MY ROOM ALL DAY COOL'#like...I EVEN GOT MY PAIN MEDS BACK! AND I QUALIFIED FOR A HIGHER DOSE WHICH IS A MIRACLE BC THIS IS FLORIDA!!#but like. idk.#and it's not like i don't care at all!!! I've missed you guys like fuck!!!! i just feel like I'm so far behind and everyone is on another-#-plane of existence at this point! and the longer it goes the more guilty i feel coming back bc i feel ashamed and lazy...#but i know you guys don't give a shit about at all. and I'm sorry for assuming and being so hard on myself #but also my fandoms are all over the place rn so uh. I'm so sorry LOL #but seriously anyone on art fight?? i really need to get back drawing but it's daunting...#especially since my guess 2 or 3 years were kickass by the last 2 literally no one but my wife interacted with me #one friendly fire from my partner. in two fights. after putting HOURS OF EFFORT THRU CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS into all of those pieces...#i know I didn't draw a fuckton but i just got so discouraged and sad after awhile. and some never even got any attackee comments.#it all felt so damn pointless #but I'm nothing if not a survivor #as Zapp Brannigan once said; 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised'#I'm a hot fuckin mess but even if i barely get any interaction at all again i can at least say i didn't give up-#and put in effort and love like always. no half-assing with art fight unless it's just me and my wife or a friend doin stupid friendly fires #BUT ANYWAY I STILL WANNA FUCK SLASHERS. IF ANYTHING THERE'S STILL THAT. IT'S STILL ME.

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biracy · 1 year ago

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Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow

#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard #but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better #haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more #to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow #my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest #idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself #except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of #again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this #but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head #just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment #i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post #NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space #i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how #okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope #open mick night

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clowngremlin · 10 months ago

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i have been sooooo depressed these past two days.......not entirely sure what's going on with that because it could be a number of things but i really wish i was still on vacation or at gavin's house rn </3

#upset gremlin noises #went from being in sunny warm l.a. to cold and snowy [redacted]#and i am being left alone for the entire day again which i know makes me feel shitty and insane #but also i was so depressed yesterday when my dad and brother were home too so i really can't win #i've cried like twice already today and i feel like i'm gonna start crying AGAIN #there was a brief period of time today when i felt like fine but for the most part i have been soooo depressed #idk if this is the bipolar disorder or the january blues or being sad i'm not on vacation anymore #or if it's being isolated in the woods again #or if it's because i need to do my shot because i missed last week's shot cause i was on holiday and didn't want to have to bring my stuff #with me because it's a hassle #or if it's because i miss my boyfriend so terribly....#literally just feel so fucking awful rn and idk why

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heymacy · 1 year ago

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hi macy :) I read about your personal experience with finding yourself too invested in the gallavich fandom to the point of feeling upset about it and I have to say... that happened to me too. the compulsory need to engage even when there's no good feeling at the end of it, the constantly thinking about it to the detriment of other activities... I don't know if it's maybe because shameless and gallavich deal with heavy topics, or just one of the ways online engagement and hyperfixations can evolve, but I felt so much better once I removed myself from it, able to find joy in numerous other activities, and fandoms too! just wanted to share this - the fact that I had the same experience - and wanted to say I'm glad you're doing better now :)

hello my love! thank you for reaching out! i'm very glad that you were able to find solidarity in what i shared. re: heavy topics - i know that for myself, not being faced with content regarding my own disease on a daily basis has been a nice change of pace for me. i haven't felt as consumed by it since i took a step back. i think sometimes the content we engage with colors our real-world experiences and that was definitely the case for me. i've never been a casual viewer of media or a casual enjoyer of things so it doesn't surprise me that what happened to me, happened. i love having the capacity now to enjoy other things - and hey, i still engage with fandom here and there! i'm loving RWRB content right now (i have just a tiny bit of brain rot regarding those two) along with some jane austen adaptations and other such things! media is beautiful and transformative and i love putting stickers on the scrapbook that is my blog! thank you for your kind words - i'm glad i'm doing better now, too. it feels good. it feels healthy and normal. and i really hope everyone can find a balance if they're feeling off-kilter. also, i love you. did you know that? thank you for popping in 💛 feel free to do it any time you please, i'm always hanging around somewhere!

#i'm really happy that my experience doesn't seem to be this unusual isolated thing and it makes me feel better knowing others like. get it!#i've been reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies and writing my book and it just feels GOOD #and i guarantee if the gallavich/shameless spark ever reignites for me i would be able to engage in a far healthier and more casual way #it just didn't go that way the first time around #and i'm glad i was able to recognize that and make that distinction and work through it and come out the other side more clear-headed #also i feel like i should say this bc i got a message about it the other day:#i am not speaking negatively about the fandom whatsoever when i share bits and pieces of my experience #i love the fandom. i love the people and the characters and the content and the fics and the art and everything about it #it's just how MY BRAIN decided to handle things #it is not a reflection on anyone or anything else #i don't want anyone to think i'm shit-talking the fandom or shit-talking fandom in general or anything like that bc i promise i'm not #i just had an experience and i felt compelled to share it in case anyone else could relate #and also so i could maybe not feel so alone and isolated in my experience #and it seems like i succeeded which feels really good #i love you fandom i love you anon i love everyone and everything that the gallavich/shameless fandom gave me #i will treasure it forever #always in my heart etc etc etc #macy babbles #anons

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arklay · 2 years ago

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Your anger and sadness are so fucking justified. Stealing someone's oc is ridiculous. There's NO need to do that! You don't even need that much creativity to make your own, and if you're really stuck (like I get sometimes) just look towards canon characters or blogs dedicated to help building ocs. What's worse is tumblr's blocking system because, unless you block them on anon, it simply blocks their blog. They can log out and still view your blog! God I'm so sorry that this happened.

thank you 😭😭 i'm like so just horrifically angry right now that idk if i'm overreacting or if i was seeing things that weren't there, but no, the more i look and the more i match up the timeline of posts, it becomes extremely apparent to me that their oc is a copy of diana, and that really really hurts. and yes, i've cried a lot about it, because i talk about her so often and how much she means to me and how much just creative energy she gave me this year and the fact that i even write consistently now, so it hurts. i put a lot into her, so it's just really unfair, and like you said, blocking people on here is like hardly even effective

#asks.#anonymous #thank you for like validating my anger because i often feel a lot of guilt with my reactions and um idk like i feel like i am not allowed #to get angry in the first place because of like imposter syndrome and all that nonsense. but i just kept seeing things from that oc's story #and not just backstory but little facts or what were throw away comments and it just... everything. i could connect to diana. and the #colour scheme is similar too and the heights and the timeline and the little things about like ex-husband. working at nest. close to the #birkins. saw al as an annoyance at the start lmao like there's so much i could connect. and now seeing that their oc also injected themself #with a virus on a whim which i've talked about many times with diana doing and that he got very overprotective and worried afterwards with #it. like. all these things in isolation. fine. whatever. but when they all add up... it's ridiculous. like i'm just so hurt because i #constantly talk about how special diana is to me and how special they both are to me and i don't know what to do because i don't feel the #need to reach out and like accuse directly but it's like. they get away with that. and my ideas. and my character who has been around since #feb. i made her on valentine's day. i'm not even joking. so. i didn't post about her until early march. well i did but that's the earliest #in her tags because i delete posts a lot. went and looked at my oc blog and no there are still things from feb. but on here the earliest is #march. i'm just not doing great with it all i suppose. especially because i had something happen last week that made me really upset and i #was just getting back into like okay i'll post on here more often. and then i notice this and idk i'm rambling but i just feel really sick #like the realisation sunk in and i felt sick to my stomach so it hurts #but um thank you for saying all of this like it does mean a lot to me to know that my reaction is justified so thank you

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asterdeer · 2 years ago

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i feel like a loading bar that's very slowly ticking up until i actually believe my therapist's belief that i have ocd

#shut up myth #i'm at. like. 30% at this point #i keep trying to talk myself out of it because it feels.......... almost appropriative and i've never seen people talk about the symptoms #that i've felt so it feels VERY fake #but the more i read and the more i talk it over with her the more i'm like......... okay well . maybe. i'll entertain the notion #two really big things that got me are the need to get reassurances from ppl and the need to rewrite things until they're Perfect #like holy shit those are two GIANT parts of why i habitually self isolate #like it feels so bad to consider bc i'm not like........in some ways these are debilitating but in other ways they are very much not #so it's like. i don't have it bad enough. it's like everything that's wrong w/ me #if people with ocd have it up to 100% i have it to 50% if people have depression at 100% i have it to 70%#if people with autism have it to 100% i have it to 60%#like???#i don't know. i get to work on time for the most part and i do what needs doing for the most part. i'm functional #i don't ENJOY being alive but that could so easily be explained by me being a piece of shit #idk! idk. i'm tired of not knowing for sure but also i am having such a hard time accepting that i'm diagnosable #and not just. as i say. a piece of shit #i can tell it's getting late bc all this self introspection is starting to get me down lmao #gonna light a candle and watch some gumball and go to bed #i oversteeped my oolong :<

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noxtivagus · 2 years ago

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hmmm. oh my god my mind is a mess i rlly can't write what i want to rn but i will just Dump

#🌙.vents #YEAH HONESTLY OKAY one reason why fiction comforts me so much is. it teach me so much n let me live through so much more #these characters i. relating to them n seeing parts of myself in them is just. yk rlly comforting bcs i'm. very not social irl.#i get anxious. n typically i find that.. most ppl in like my class or my school or wtvr. yk everyone is interesting n has depth but #i find them. a bit too simple for me. ah.. yeah uhm. sorry remove the 'a bit' it's. by far. so.#hermes rlly. to me bcs he's like. different. felt alone for it. but.. he's intelligent he's valued n. theres a lot of ways to look at it bu #yh then he stands up n does smth for himself for once n he makes mistakes n then after that he sort of just gives up on that part of himsel #'internalizes the lies' THAT PART HURT SO MUCH OKAY. but.. yk fitting in n being 'normal' or wtvr gives a lot of ppl more comfort #but for me it hurts yes but i'd much rather face life for what it is. who i am who i really am. fuck if it's lonely for me #smth from the 1975 w matty on religion? sorry as well i'm.. really not religious. i respect it but please. i'm really not religious.#it would.. be easier yeah if we did believe in some divine being right? believing that there is salvation. that. there's.. yeah #i really just can't bring myself to believe in that. on religion i rmb rn even when i was younger like in lower school even i rlly thought #abt logic behind it. i questioned n wondered why people believed in religion. i really as. very curious abt stuff n life n all that #n growing up i've never really let the outside world influence me too much. no i pride myself in really staying true to myself.#so last year hurt sm bcs i really felt like i was restraining myself too much. i can't exactly pinpoint it rn okay i'm emotional rn but #i rlly felt like my freedom to be myself was stuck somewhere. n then stuff n 'talking too much' so tumblr became yh for me bcs #i don't want to isolate myself but i just.. can't do some things bcs of anxiety? or wtvr there's a lot n then there's also. uh #i still do crave vulnerability n belonging but how do i say this #it's really important to me that. i realize i open up more to ppl that also are able to open up as well. ppl who are like me.#like apollo n online friends n i love my irls too n i hate this bcs yh fine maybe i'm a bit of a ppl pleaser but it's more in a way that #i don't want to be misunderstood. i don't want to hurt anyone. so irl i generally tend to.. hide or restrain myself #take note of 'generally'. but i won't touch on that right now. i think i've been misunderstood before so that's why im sensitive to this #bcs. still having that love n care can coexist with still knowing myself n what works better for me bcs it's so crazy actually how w #several ppl i met last year esp the ones i only know online i cld open up to them more easily bcs they Too can do that n it just #feels so lonely irl i'm just dumping rn it's like nearly 1 am n i'll probably delete this tmrrw bcs i think i'm a bit frustrated right now #not that it's anyone's fault. i'm just. confused right now w myself but i don't mean anything bad by all this okay #i want to just. write. a fictional story rn to calm myself. doing things for myself surely isn't selfish. being myself isn't selfish right?#i can be kind to myself right now too. like other times before. so i will be kind. yes i will be.#there's sm in my head i rlly wish i cld write them all but such is the limit of being human. not too bad tho bcs i have stuff to do #i'll get that done rq n then i'll let myself rest though. until i sleep i'll let myself be at peace n rest c:

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