#so i wasted an hour of my fucking life. for *nothing*.
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Does anyone else get the thing of like you're already so obsessed with something that you're like it would probably be good if I was less obsessed with this / I need to shut up about this but at the same time you constantly find yourself thinking I have Got to get more obsessed with this. I have Got to get more obsessed
#its the thing of like i really want to spend more time on this but also i feel like i shouldnt spend all my time on it so i try to reel it#in but im not particularly good at doing that anyway so i really am like i should just say fuck it and immerse myself even more however#its hard because the more i do that the harder it is to reign it in when i do actually need to#but theres so much i want to research and learn and also do and spend time on where im like i have Got to dedicate more of my time to this#while at the same time being like this is already taking up so much of my time but also because i worry that it is i end up wasting a lot o#time that i could be spending getting more obsessed with this thing. soooo idk but i dont know if that makes sense#its like how im also really bad at working on music becsuse i know when i sit down i will lose several hours so i avoid it but then i end u#not playing music...but i would be happier if i let myself just lose myself in it but then idk. im bad at like Setting aside time for thing#its always all or nothing which is frustrating!!!!! but its like my worry is i wont be productive in other ways but im not anyways so#it doesnt actually matter... sooooo yeah i have Got to get weirder . i have got to just let myself get weirder asap#i think this is also part of the late diagnosis thing of i spent my Entire life forcibly repressing my interests and cutting myself off fro#them after being told i need to. but actually i can just be weird but its really hard to let yourself do that without shame but it is#unjustified in this instance therefore i should take the opposite action and just keep doing it sooo im gonna do that. bye!#i am gonna go listen to bootlegs for approximately 5 hours
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really starting to believe that psychic who claimed i’m cursed
#like absolutely NOTHING goes right in my life#i have no friends no social life no partner have never been in a relationship even though i’m almost 30#i still live at home my job has horrible working hours and makes me absolutely miserable#like i can’t name you a single thing that goes right in my life i’m so far behind everyone#i wasted so many years studying and i’ve got nothing to show for it i’m a pathetic excuse of a human#i really wish i could give my life to someone who deserves it way more than me someone who really wants to live#the psychic claimed that my ex best friend’s mother cursed me#and i do find it somewhat silly to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on someone else or outer forces#but our friendship ended VERY poorly and her mother absolutely hated me by the end of it#so it honesty doesn’t seem too far fetched#bc ever since we went our separate ways which i never regretted btw i’ve just been struggling to survive#like if i’m honest i’m intelligent i’m capable i’m pretty i’m kind i’m funny but my whole life is a struggle#i know that my depression anxiety and overall low self esteem closes a lot of doors for me#but it’s just insane how unlucky i am like it can’t be a coincidence anymore#it’s just so heartbreaking when all your efforts are in vain like i try sooooo hard but it’s never enough#the psychic claimed the mother put a curse on me that basically blocks all roads for me#and like i said i haven’t had success or happiness in both my personal and professional life#it feels like every time i take step forward i take 3 back#good things never stay for long and bad things are so excruciatingly bad it’s unbearable#i’m just exhausted with everything… life shouldn’t be so fucking difficult wether it’s a curse or not#i know i also have many things to be thankful for but it seems like all the important milestones are eluding me#☁️
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I have another gig in a week and I'm so nervous 😭 I get paid hundreds of dollars for only five hours of work, but it is so nerve-racking and the work environment is so stressful, like literally every time I'm there I'm on the verge of tears or I have to take a 2 minute break before the show starts just to run to the restrooms and cry bc I get so stressed out. And then when I clock out I just cry my eyes out in my car while driving home. But hey!!! Hundreds of dollars!!! For five or six hours of my time!!! Only a few days a month!!! Hundreds!!! Of dollars!!! So it would be totally stupid to quit.
I wouldn't have been able to afford pampering myself on my last two F/O anniversaries (and currently placing an order for a rose bouquet for Six's anniversary for the 18th) if I didn't have this second job... but if it didn't pay me such a large amount of money each time, I probably would have quit by now bc it makes me so damn anxious. The show isn't even for one week and I'm sitting here stressing about it! I have one thousand other things to stress about and this job shouldn't be one of 'em 😤
I just keep trying to think about Ken hugging me while saying "Aw, sweet girl, don't be nervous! You JUST started this job, you've only worked three shows -- you think you're gonna be perfect your first try?? You're gonna be so good once you get the hang of it. Just look at me! I've been doing Beach for 62 years now, and I still don't know what my job is supposed to be... but I know I look So Cool™ 😎"
#my god i love ken SO MUCH i am so grateful to have an F/O who brings me comfort when im anxious#and grateful i am not as numb as i was three weeks ago#i am still struggling to self ship like i used to - and i think i always will bc of [gestures to 2023] - BUT#the fact that i thought of ken and felt some relief is a rly good sign bc three weeks ago i felt *nothing*#i am depressed and miserable as fuck today but he still gave me a crumb of comfort. THATS SOMETHING ✨#woof#plus I'm gonna be able to meet a TF voice actor in September bc of this job#I'm gonna give him my charms... and... say I liked his character...#and maybe it'll make me feel better around that character. or maybe it won't. but it's worth a try!!!#and how cool is it that I get to work in a place where so many big celebs do their shows?? and MEET them???#one day I wanna meet John Legend if he comes back again and tell him I LOVED him in La La Land 🥺#This job is impossible to get hired for unless if you have connections bc it's so... idk the word. fancy?#that's not the word but it's a Big Job and I am SO STRESSED MY GOD#but I'd be wasting opportunities if I didn't keep trying at least for a few more months#and if I gotta cry my eyes out in the parking lot after my shifts that's fine as long as I work the full five to six hours#I'm celebrating *THREE* F/O anniversaries in September which is ALSO MY BIRTHDAY#so I'm gonna need the extra cheddar to absolutely spoil myself. Officer K and Driver are two big main F/Os#and I still haven't celebrated my Barbie/Ken anniversary as much as I wanted#so!! I!! will!!! tough it out even though this job makes me cry. give me that money#I am stressed every day of my life bc I have a Complex Stress Disorder you might as well pay me hundreds to be stressed
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Finished all 4 assignments, and it only took me 9 hours of my day
🙃
#speculation nation#thats with a cumulative half hour break. for me eating lunch and also a ten min lie down#the real kicker is i spent an hour absolutely agonizing over a problem bc i just could not get it#only to realize i didnt have to do it in the first place.#and the problem i actually needed to do took me all of 2 minutes to finish.#so i wasted an hour of my fucking life. for *nothing*.#literally broke down crying over this problem and i didnt need to fucking do it at all.#im so angry and upset and tired. 9 hours is way too long to be working on schoolwork.#it feels like i just woke up and now it's nearly time for bed. this sucks so fucking much.#i finished all my Fucking work at least. but i really really really want to hurt something.#but oh fuckin well what's done is done. fuckin whatever.#negative/
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#i miss art man fuck#i wish i knew a way to like. fast forward this mental dip bc its hell#i just keep seeing time go by and realize another day has passed and I've done nothing with myself.#no art. no writing. i don't do anything expect lay here and waste away#like yeah i do adulting stuff#i do my chores i go to work#but thats kinda it?#even when i hang out with people its just. rotting in a different location.#i miss the stuff that i adore doing#i miss having the attention span to sit and enjoy a game or show#i miss sitting down and drawing for hours or staying up writing#i think about it constantly#but that wall is so firmly up that i never DO it#and everyone in my life just keeps telling me 'just do it!' as a solution#i cant stand it#the longer it goes on the more i feel like a failure. or like i only exist to help other people#there is no 'me'. just a person people can rely on#i have no ability to be me anymore and it sucks#vent
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Your nice girl act has got to stop. We know what you are and it’s not cute or clever to pretend like you don’t participate in the downfall of people on this app.
i’m a nefarious witch what can i say *jazz hands*
#‘the downfall of people on this app’ go outside#go and touch some grass#why does my presence annoy you so much i do not know you!#find a hobby read a fucking book go on a walk#stop wasting precious hours of your life being mad at me over nothing!! i don’t know what you’re talking about!!
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i was talking to my mom about my job sucking and she kept pushing like well every job sucks. and kept pushing like girl if it all sucks the same why are you leaving urs
#personal#it’s just annoying cause like what are you arguing against. you actively want me to get a different job#also just let me complain. i’m aware every job sucks don’t remind me i will kill myself over that thought. but like extremely aware#but some have to suck less#like i imagine there’s a job where i don’t work ten hour shifts with one 15 and lunch and am expected to only spend 10 minutes per day#to piss#and i want a mom that can comfort me beyond kicking me out when i call out#i’m scared about how much i hate working and how awful it feels#i’m terrified about how i’m supposed to live the rest of my life#my room has been messy for over 9 months#i go home and just stare at my phone or nothing and suddenly it’s 2 am and i have work so soon#and my days off i spend catching up on sleep and wasting them#i’m just so tired and scared and scared of how apathetic everything but fear and sadness feels#and it’s just like this forever and i don’t have a mom that will hug me or try to make me feel better just#if you want to die you should kill urself and everything sucks everywhere it doesn’t get better#LIE to me im#off the fucking deep end
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[semi-mandatory periodic update to announce my continued existence]
#tate talks#headspace has been worse than ever#can't manage to respond to anyone#or do anything but lay in my bed and read for hours upon hours#yesterday I woke at 4am and manage to sleep again so I read until 7pm today#13 hours of wasting life and air doing nothing but reading in the fetal position in bed#I've never been like this before#usually I want to at least talk to someone#the favorite person of the week or my sister or drunkenly with an ex or SOMETHING#but today this oast hour or two has been the first break of clarity in the dissociation I've had in two days#I don't want to talk to anyone#I can barely stand having misha around#MISHA#my cat my baby the only reason I'm alive sometimes#something is so much more wrong now than it ever has been before#I don't even feel the impulse to drag myself out to get alcohol#I feel so fucking disconnected from EVERYTHING and#it scares me how much I prefer it#i don't know what's happening to me#at least I understood my usual vices and how and why they made me shitty#and i understood sleeping all the time#now i can't sleep and don't sleep and won't sleep and read until my eyes can't see straight and that's what feels safe#i don't know what's happening to me anymore
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#sometimes it hits me that we have to go to work for the rest of our lives#we go to work we eat and sleep we get a few days off and that’s it#i’m not made for this world#i don’t care about my career and i’m not good at anything#i’m not passionate about anything i don’t really have any hobbies#it feels like i will never find my place in this world and it scares me#and i know your 20s are weird and stupid and i know i’m still young#but how am i supposed to enjoy life if nothing gives me joy#i don’t wanna make it through the day i wanna enjoy it#i don’t wanna count down the days or hours until something good happens#i don’t wanna waste my time being miserable all day every day#are the little things really enough? is it worth it to have 2 good days and 50 bad ones?#for the past 2 years i’ve been feeling so stuck and lost and miserable i don’t know what to do anymore#and even if i get this new job i have no idea if i’m gonna like it#i’m always so anxious and worried about everything#and i’m really fucking scared#scared that i will never find a job that i like scared that i’m gonna die alone scared that i will do something i regret#scared that i will never be happy#why is life so tucking hard i didn’t sign up for this
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I hate metaethics so much 19 year old me was a dumbass bitch for minoring in philosophy 'supervenience' shut the fuck upppppp none of this means anything
#i just need to waste five hours finishing this essay and call it good enough#but i HATE it i HATE it so much and my brain will let me do nothing that i hate so vehemently#the professor is actively horrible and the content is stupid and i hate everything especially the life i choose to live#i need to chew through something#personal#like first order philosophy is fine and i understand what were doing in second order but Why. Are We Doing It?#so people can have papers that get read and referenced 40 years later?#i thought nihilism was cool and fun but actually the theory is so fucking abstract and the people who write about it write like assholes#i hate i hate i hate
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i like literally wish i didnt feel compelled to rewatch and relisten to the same things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again its like actually really annoying and frustrating because i just feel like im constantly stuck in a loop doing the same things over and over but thats just literally what its like being autistic like its just frustrating cos i dont want to have to be constantly fighting with myself over it because its like okay we dont need to get stuck in the daily loop of walking in circles for hours listening to the same songs we've heard 200 times or sitting and watching things we've seen 30 times and there are better ways we could be spending our time but the compulsion is SO strong and its just Omfg like its just annoying and horrible because I have to force myself to try to break out of patterns I wish the constant compulsion I have to do the same things over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER wasnt there at all because it would make things way easier for me and it just makes me feel so dumb.
#Like please for the love of god can we stop doing the same things over and over and go have new experiences oh my god#And i dont know its hard not to beat myself up constantly#im thinking about how im back into the same thing i was into for literally like 5 years when i was younger and i love it so much but it als#causes me despair because im like so im just spinning my wheels but like having a special interest that brings you joy your whole life is#the whole thing with being autistic and its fine but im just like ughhh UAEGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!#how it feels to go back to your old hyperfixation and its the guy with the chains on his wrists.#anyways omfg sorry that all i do on here is either post autistically about this band or agonize for some reason about being into this band.#if i could just calm the fuck down.#its literally fine but im like soooo im just walking in a circle forever and ever#but if i could just stop feeling guilty for no reason i would be having so much more fun#but the circular/obsessive thought patterns also mean i constantly worry about the same thing . when will i shut up#i just had a bad day because i basically have done nothing but stare at screens and its fine but i feel Aueahehaeufhehweughwhgdjhgdf#Its pathetic though like i have to fight with myself to pause music to even put on a podcast or something and its just so like. oh my god i#a grown adult come on#but i literally will like start an album too and then be like well i cant turn it off i have to listen to the whole thing and ill do that#with 4 albums and just walk and walk and then im like so i wasted 2 hours#etc etc its just god i dont know i feel so frustrated with myself constantly this doesnt have anything to do with a specific thing anymore#its just the general like. i do the same things every day im just stuck in this pattern of behavior constantly it makes me so frustrated#i didnt do Any of the things i actually wanted to try to do today so im just like.#im at least gonna go play guitar for a few hours
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Going to sleep early so it can stop being my birthday already.
#something about my birthday makes me so fucking depressed every year#and every thing that happens maoes me miserable#like i think its a perspective thing. if today of all days sucks then my life must suck#any thing bad that happens it feels like “this is happening on my birthday” and it feels infinitely worse#the feeling of wasting your entire life alone and unhappy#and the absolutely nauseating dread of time passing obviously#in general this shit makes me feel awful#and it doesnt help that today sucked. i had no fun and did nothing.#i showered. got no gifts. played the game i always play for a few hours. forgot to eat. now im going to sleep.#like what a shitty fucking day as ever#its the same as every other day but with the perspective of it supposedly being a special day its even worse#birthdays are never fun#i have no friends to spend them with#too miserable to even get high and watch a video. i just wanna cry. i wanna sleep#talky#literally nothing#vent
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#am here to announce i am in the trenches my beloved#couldnt find a job for months and once i did i was so treated badly i had a breakdown in front of managers and quit immiedietly#i also used the reminder of my paycheck to fuck off to italy for 2 days staying in shitty hostely thingy#it is 3am im in verona and im having a breakdown#i geniuenly feel like i wasted 25 years of my life on studying and preparing for the wrong thing and now i have nothing#having almost 2 degrees (didnt complete masters thesis but done the course) and the only thinh i could get after months of searching#was minimum wage job where my purpose was getting yelled at by rich people in luxury environment that earns milions and cant even pay#more than minimum wage#i genuinely dont know what to do i am literally unable to earn anything#i also live in dublin now cause i got fucking brexited and i fucking hate it there#i am geniuenly losing it how can i not even get a part time barista job when i have 2 years experience and perfect english#anyways no time for fandom when you obsessively try to make a single thing work#more italy in few hours at least#personal
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Just had to throw my slippers away and I’m genuinely on the verge of tears. Feels like adding insult to injury
#like this day was already going badly lol#random fucking man tells me i’m not independent enough to work for him because i don’t have a car#(this was a minimum wage job opening mind you so i’m not sure exactly what money he expects me to be running a car with)#went for a run and concluded my heel spur is actually now an even bigger problem than my arthritic knee#and unlike my arthritic knee; the heel spur isn’t going to stop causing problems unless i get surgery LOL. it’s fucking bone#i’m going to have to buy heavy duty running trainers or something and i will never financially recover from that#then found out the weed gummies that are allegedly 100mg barely do anything to me#i’ll have to take 2 at once if i want more than to be slightly dazed for a couple of hours#i need to quit weed for the foreseeable#and THEN i accidentally step outside in my house slippers and somehow step in shit?#it was only on the sole but my reflex reaction was to chuck them in the bin#then i realised i could probably clean them and was about to take them out but realised they were covered in food waste at that point#i’m so upset. i’m really picky about my slippers because i was wearing a pair of slippers that were too big for me when i fell#and dislocated my knee the first time. so i don’t wear boot-style slippers OR backless slippers#they have to fit my feet exactly but they also have to be warm and not look like my grandma’s slippers#(i LOVE my grandma but i don’t want to dress like an 80 year old. i’m not there yet. you understand)#i just have Such a hard time finding something that fits the bill. and these were so comfy and warm and i loved them :(#and they would’ve had at least another year of life in them. there was Nothing wrong with them apart from they were a smidge big if i didn’t#have socks on. (but not big enough to trip me)#i should also mention my feet are a women’s 8.5 and really narrow#and shoe brands are unnecessarily.. imprecise with their sizing so i’m ALWAYS finding that the sole is too small but the rest of the slipper#fits fine. or something like that. but not with these#i’m so ANNOYED i have to buy a new pair. my feet are already fucking cold#really feels like everything is about to get me lol. my body doesn’t want me running. i have to give up weed#and now i can’t even have warm feet. i can’t even be COMFORTABLE. COOL. THANKS#personal
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#this is gonna be so tmi sorry i’m advance but#how am i supposed to deal with having a body and every mental illness and stomach problems and throat problems and being ugly and having no#hobbies or life skills or a job#i need to find a job but i also have to deal with my stomach and my throat so i can be well enough to actually move my body to find a job#but i don’t have much money left so i can’t focus on those things either so i’m spending literally hours a day in the bathroom and it hurts#to speak#and i don’t want to feed myself i don’t want to take my meds i don’t want to do anything but get high which also physically hurts also bc#throat#and i have to do PT everyday so i can shit better but i also need to find a job so i can’t waste silly energy on things like that but then i#can’t get a job because i feel like shit and am shitting literally all the fucking time#and obviously the logical thing should be to just take care of my health today so i can be good to#tomorrow to find a job right? wrong actually! tomorrow it’ll be something’s#and the day after that#n the day after that#and every day after that one too!#but no one is actually willing to help me with anything because i am a 1 dimensional human being who spawned yesterday who has never heard#of things like “’building tenacity’ and ‘having structure’ there’s actually nothing wrong with me i’m just lazy i guess!#but if i wanna kill myself that’s wrong and bad and needs to be stopped immediately#other people seem to look at suicidal people and go ‘i have no reason to want to kill myself so other people just need to push it through :)#thug it out lol’ and it’s like actually these are very good reasons to want to die#i have spent the last 9 years actively in treatment actively working on myself actively trying to build a better life#it has only gotten worse#don’t talk to me about getting over to the other side. i’m on it. it’s just as bad as every other one of the sides#life doesn’t ever get better for some people and just because that wasn’t true for you and your life did get better doesn’t mean other#peoples lives every will get better. like it is straight up not possible for me to have a better life. and i know this for a fact because if#it was#i would have it now and i would have had it for a while
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oxenfree fucking sucks
#HOW DID THIS GAME GET SO MUCH HYPE#its so bad#i played the entire thing#first off the characters range from bland to infuriating#the walking. my god the walking. is agonisingly slow#to the point that you cant even succeed at one section of the game because shes too fucking show#the radio controls are infuriating#the ghosts are only interesting at the beginning and then theyre just tropey as hell#the sound is awful and the music overpowering#the DIALOGUE. 'uwu its more natural' uh no#no interrupting your friends with a non sequitur is not natural conversation#god#i rly wasted like 5 hours of my life to that shitty game#bc ppl compared it to nitw#nitw im so sorry a bitch would say that about u#i literally got the 'good ending' and am still stuck in the damn time loop#so basically everything i did was pointless?#'oh you have to play it again to get the good ending-'#literally nothing in the universe could make me play Walk Agonisingly Slowly With Gods Most Irritating Teenager ever ever again#there are people who LIKE ren. out there in the world#awful. just awful.#wasted like 3 entire pounds on thos garbage.
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