#so i often feel hungry and experience the hunger pains
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I dying sen help
#this might sound weird#but i usually due to depression or just straight up dumbassery eat like 2 things a day#hopefully supplemented by snacks but i cant snack if its not the right snacks#so i often feel hungry and experience the hunger pains#so today we went out to eat#and maybe its bc its just like... unusual. i do not like the feeling of being full#and usually i just hand off my food to my gf bc she is usually hungrier than i am#but like. im just thinking abt it#that's all#kinda fuckin weird imo..#i just feel gross and dizzy and eugh#i had nachos and wings and tbh not a lot of either so i don't know why i feel like such trash... maybe just fried food overload#i pretty much rely on the oven for meals so ill assume that#anyways goodnight tumblr... i cant sleep but i should continue trying đ
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Failed Every Insight Check and Fell all the Harder (Astarion x GN!Tav)
Featuring: Astarion x Rogue!Tav
Series: Fits into Love at First Knife, AO3 link here
Companion piece to: Failed a Dex Save and Fell for You
Summary: After a few months of traveling together, Astarion has begun to experience some new feelings around you. After one fateful day in Moonrise Towers, he finally figures out what those feelings are.
Tags: Astarion POV, POV Second Person, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Awkward Fluff, tw: mentions of astarion's past and all that comes with it, tw: mentions of araj scene, Feelings Realization, Jealousy
A/N: here comes the awkward, fluffy Astarion figuring out his feelings Valentineâs special. Heâs a hot mess, of course. (happy Early Valentineâs because I will be busy on Valentineâs) And thanks to everyone who voted for this one!
Word count: ~4.8k
Ever since your group entered the Shadowlands, something has been bothering Astarion. He hadn't noticed at firstâ or rather, had tried his best to ignore it. But, as time goes on, heâs finding it more and more difficult to brush aside.
It had started out small. An odd pain in the pit of his stomach.
What was that? he'd thought, holding a hand to his abdomen in concern. Perhaps he was just hungry, but it certainly didnât feel like the ever-present hunger in his belly. No, that was a dull, continuous ache. This? This felt like something was weighing him down. Maybe Iâm ill. I shouldnât mention it to anyone, lest Laeâzel slit my throat in my sleep.
Besides, the pain didnât happen often. He noticed it a distinct few times.
Once, when you first entered the Shadowlands. Heâd just watched you bend down, hands plucking at something off the side of the cursed landsâ road. He thought momentarily that he ought to stop you, that none of you knew what could be lurking in its magical darkness. But that tinge of worry was promptly replaced by that same gods awful pit in his stomach.Â
Because there you were, presenting your partyâs cleric with your spoils. You were gifting Shadowheart a night orchidâ had remembered that she mentioned loving them. You bore the womanâs wretched joke with a smile. Disgusting, Astarion thought. No wonder my stomach feels uncomfortable, what a pathetic little exchange.
Like everything that had bothered him in the last couple of months since finding himself free of Cazador, he decided to forget the feeling. Life is his to take full advantage now, why let something like that affect him?
Or so he thought until the next time the feeling made its return.
You had just arrived at the Last Light Inn as a group, found shelter through the Harpersâ well-established safe haven. Astarion was quite happy to be rid of the shadows, content to cozy up in an inn. He figured, if he played his cards right, you may even let him partake in your blood or ask for a bit of fun.
Then your party found Dammon. Equipped with Infernal Iron and one blazing hot barbarian, Dammon made magic happen in a matter of moments.Â
Astarion was glad. As much as the group was a bit much at times, he understood Karlachâs struggle with her body all too well. She deserved this small victory in reclaiming her body.Â
His feelings of genuine sympathy were short-lived though because a moment later you were wrapping your arms around the tieflingâs body. It was a test, of course, to see if Dammonâs fusing had worked. But there it was again, the feeling in his stomach. This time it felt twice as heavy, a lead ball in his guts. Maybe I should let someone know, he thought. This canât be good.
But the sensation was soon forgotten as your group settled into the Last Light Inn. Old allies were in some miserable new statesâ requiring even more help, godsâ and new acquaintances were made. It was all rather dull for Astarion.
The one time Astarion perked up was when you went head-to-head with the head Harper. He chuckled under his breath when you outsmarted the old crone, Jaheira. Thatâs right, Harper. Donât mess with my protector.
Your first night at the inn was capped off with a bit of revelry: a game of Truth or Dare.Â
Astarion could sense your reluctance to play. Youâd been acting odd all day, stiff and awkward around him. He saw this as the perfect opportunity to tease you to the high celestial planeâ in fact, he already knew what he wanted to ask you. âYou are going to regret this so much," he'd said to you from across the table.
Then the game began, and the deep, uncomfortable feeling never left his core.
Each and every companion received your attention throughout the game, in one way or another. Even that damned smith, Dammon, was given a dare from you. And Astarion just sat there, not even earning a glance, his mood growing more and more sour.
When, at last, he was able to taunt you with his question, you were far too in your cups to give a proper response. He sat on your lap, placed there from one of Shadowheartâs dares, staring into your surprised, open eyes, wishing that he'd thought of an easier question for an inebriated version of you.
The group had shooed you both out of the game upon seeing your state, though Astarion didn't mind. He'd much rather leave the lot of them and tease you by himself.
Once you were alone, you answered his question. That he, Astarion, was your favorite and for all manner of incredulous, unbelievable reasons. Heâd expected you to say him. Heâd asked to hear your praise, confirm your attachment in the name of his plan to seduce you. All the same he was left uncomfortable, juggling the sudden and unabashed flattery. Being praised for his looks was one thing but for being⌠himself?
The feeling in his stomach grew. Suddenly his lungs felt it, his undead heart felt it. What in the sweet hells is the matter with me? he thought, as he helped lay your drunken, passed out form to bed later that night. He hadnât felt a sensation like this beforeâ he hated it.Â
Then you reached out to him in your sleep, and he froze. Something about the touch quietened the pain under his ribs, and so he extended his fingers, gently touching your brow as you fell asleep. See? Iâm fine, he assured himself. I truly am just ravenous.
__
He continued this way for several days in the Shadowcursed lands.
One moment, he was perfectly fine, hacking and slashing at a Shambling Mound with abandon. The next, he would look over at you, see you laughing at something Karlach said, and it felt like an iron ingot had made its way into his insides.
Damned tiefling woman. Iâm far funnier than her, you know, he thinks, resheathing his knives with a little too much gusto. The sound of your laughter rang in his head for the rest of the evening, as if he were being driven to insanity by it.
The next day, you had fought a horde of Meazels. At first, Astarion thought the fight was delightful funâ the tiefling woman and the cleric kept getting teleported against their will and after his recent annoyance with both of them, he found it quite amusing. That is, until you found yourself garrotted, teleported as far away from him as possible.
He was on you in mere moments, ripping the creature off of you with his blades. It was almost as if heâd reacted instinctively and, as someone whose instincts typically led him away from danger, he found the sensation quite off-putting. Nevertheless, he'd freed you, asking, âAre you alright, darling?â
Astarion couldnât remember what youâd even said because once he saw the marks the creatures left on you, the pit in his stomach dropped. Where there had been a heavy pressure before, there was now a sharp feeling. His eyes carefully trailed over your injuries, trying his best to focus on you and not the phantom pain building inside him.
You had been fine, nothing that a quick heal from Shadowheart couldnât fix, but that feeling stayed in his stomach the rest of the day. Itâs simply the Shadowlands, he'd thought. They not only play tricks on the mind, clearly theyâre playing tricks on my body.
It was a few days later, as you helped the Harperâs deal with their lantern problem that the sensation shifted again.
Astarion watched, eyes glued to your form, as you dispatched the hideous drider, your twin blades piercing the creature in its most vulnerable spots. Heâd seen you kill many monsters before, hundreds likely at this point. But something about the way your body moved in the Moonlanternâs glow, the way your face lit up as the creatureâs body crumpled to the floor, caused the vampire to stop and watch.
This time, heâd felt the heavy sensation move up, somewhere just below his throat. He tried against all odds to gulp it away, but nothing seemed to work. We need to finish our business here and get out as soon as possible, he thought now, convinced it was the shadows warping his sensesâŚ
But as your travel continues, the feelings never go away.Â
Itâs a different pressure, it builds, it ebbs, it flows between his heart, his stomach, his torsoâ and each time he brushes it off. Stewing in these uncomfortable feelings, Astarion spends the week in a hazy mire, not unlike the shadows that surround you all.
Then your group finally infiltrates Moonrise.
__
Moonrise Towers, the seat of the Absolute and a once grand fortress.Â
Now, Astarion canât help but think it seems rather underutilized. Your group is walking along the empty parapets outside, which are woefully missing any sense of grandeur or ornamentation. âDarling,â he says, leaning into you slightly. âDonât you think we ought to just kill everyone now and take the place for ourselves. Might be quite fun.â
You bark out a laugh, which he feels proud to have produced, and reply, âMaybe later. This is an infiltration mission only. Besides, once we defeat the Absolute, Iâm sure there will be a vacancy.â
Astarion laughs back at you. Gods, he enjoys this. The way that he can say something that others would balk at and you will miraculously not only appreciate it, but also play along with it. Having fun with them is so easy, he thinks. And look, Iâm still wearing all of my clothes! What a novel idea.
The thought is cut short when your group walks through an outside doorway into a room that can only be described as grotesque. Whoever works here clearly has some knowledge of arcana, if the ingredients and alchemical tools are anything to go by, but it smells utterly foul to Astarion.
Itâs when you spot the drow woman hunched over a table in the corner that he realizes where the stench is coming from. Hells below, that woman reeks of something truly awful, he thinks, recoiling. Heâd grown used to following behind you closely, but as you step forward to speak to the woman, he finds himself taking a step back instead.
The woman introduces herself as Araj Oblodra, a trader of bloodâ a rather poor trader, by the smell of it. She takes note of Astarion, who shuffles back instinctively, before you and her go about some kind of business with your blood. Astarion contemplates speaking up, shooing you away from her, but decides to stay back, as far away as he can remain without arousing suspicion. They can handle themselves.
Then, after the woman looks back toward him one too many times, he hears you snap, âAnd why are you so interested in my pale friend?âÂ
âAh, yes. Perhaps thereâs one more thing we could discuss,â she begins, her voice a dangerous drawl. âHeâs a vampire, no? Or one of their spawn at least.â
âOh, donât worry,â Astarion says, all-too-ready to fill his role. âWeâre all friends under the Absolute. I wonât bite.â
âOh, Iâd prefer if you did,â sheâs quick to respond. Her eagerness picks at Astarionâs nerves, and he raises an eyebrow at her. Araj doesnât deign to give him another momentâs look though, as she turns back to you. âI assume he belongs to you?â
âExcuse me?â Your voice sounds offendedâ on his behalf, Astarion wonders? âHeâs his own person.â Your words cause the feeling in Astarionâs stomach to flip, and, as much as he wants to come to his own defense, he finds himself quite content to hear you do it for him.
âIâm sure he really believes that. How utterly adorable,â she says with a snide chuckle.Â
Adorable? he thinks, but heâs unable to interject before the woman continues to barrel forward.
The blood trader turns back to Astarion, face wrinkled with distaste as her tone changes to something a bit more confrontational, âDo you have a name, spawn?â
Her sudden shift in attitude, the proud tilt to her head, it all throws the vampire off balance as he goes to answer, âAstarion, b-but hold on!â Astarion holds up a hand to try to slow this womanâs tirade, all to no avail.
âGood. Now, Astarion, Iâve dreamt of being bitten by a vampire since I was a young girl,â Araj begins, laying out the scene for her request.
Too bad that the scene sounds quite ridiculous to Astarion. Surely he heard her incorrectly? âIâm sorry, you want to be bitten?â
The woman goes on a new insane diatribeâ something about dancing with deathâ but Astarion can hardly be bothered. All he needs to know is that sheâs offering some measly potion for being bitten and, gods, does he not want to bite this womanâs disgusting neck. Or wrist. Or really any part of her. âI will have to decline,â he says, with a gracious little bow. Your group is still infiltrating the towers, it wouldnât do to tell Araj exactly how horrid she smells.
Itâs entirely more grace than she deserved, that much is clear because she presses him again. Again, he refuses. âI gave you my answer.â
The drow scoffs, turning back to you once more, âCanât you talk some sense into your obstinate charge?â
You, for your part, look confused. Thereâs a line of concern in your forehead as you look between the woman and Astarion, wondering what it is that youâre missing. âIâm surprised, Astarion. I thought youâd enjoy an opportunity like this.â
What?! he thinks, a sudden, sharp spike of anger shooting through him. He tempers his immediate rage and speaks to Araj with that same, false pleasantry she doesnât deserve, âIâm sorry, but could you excuse us a moment?â
Astarion, not waiting for her response, pulls you aside, away from the drowâs nosy eyes and ears. Once youâre alone, he turns to you, his voice a hiss, âAre you actually asking me to do this? Trading me for some-some-some potion?â
âWhatâs the matter? Why would she be different from any other enemy?â you ask, leaning toward him.
Your voice is full of genuine worry, and some of his anger abates as he meets your eyes. Of course, they donât know what theyâre asking. How could they know? âBecause thereâs something wrong with her blood. I can smell it from here. Ugh, itâs rank.â
Now your brows furrow, and a sharp edge enters your eyes as you ask your next question, âWhat do you mean? Whatâs wrong with her blood?â
âI canât say. It just smells⌠wrong. Unnatural.â His words sound pathetic to his own ears.Â
Of course thatâs not an excuse, Astarion laments. What am I even thinking? The potion is clearly useful. They are going to make me do this, and I may as well prepare myself. Iâve put up with worse after all.
So, he stands straight once more, ready to put on the performance of a lifetime. His tone takes on a resigned tone as he continues, âDrinking it wouldnât kill me, but it would not be pleasant.â
You both hear a sigh from behind you. âI donât have all day, True Soul,â Araj calls, impatiently.
Your eyes remain focused entirely on him, ignoring the womanâs irritated sigh, her entitled words. âAstarion,â you begin, and he takes a breath in preparation for your other foot to drop. âDonât do anything you donât want to do. And if she refuses to take no for an answer again, weâll simply have to start our assault on the towers a bit early.â
The breath leaves him.
"Alright. Uh, thank you,â he says, feeling the tension drop from his shoulders. Heâd been prepared to acquiesce, to do exactly what youâd asked of him. But this? This is something he hadnât been prepared for.Â
In a daze, Astarion makes his way back to Araj, putting on as polite of a facade as heâs still capable of making, âIt's still a ânoâ, Iâm afraid.â
âHow very disappointing,â the blood trader says, shooting you both a disgusted look. She turns away in a huff, leaving your group alone to recover from the exchange. And leaving Astarion floundering in another new sensation.
Because once more, the feeling in the pit of his stomach has reared its ugly headâ only this time it shoots through him like a bolt of lightning. He's not sure what it is, but it's stunned him into slipping off his carefully crafted mask. He turns to you once more, voice soft around its usual edges, "Thank you. I⌠appreciated that.â
"You have no need to thank me. It was always your choice, Astarion."
Huh.
The feeling sinks into him, settling deeper and deeper as you continue through Moonrise.
__
That night, you go to bed in your own bedroll, leaving Astarion to his meditations with a smile and a wave. It has been a long day for all of you, and it's clear from the way you take a glance back that you're worried about him.
Gods, he's worried about him.
After dealing with that vile drow woman, you'd all continued about the tower, ingratiating yourselves with even the most repugnant of creatures to appear faithful to the Absolute. But Astarion paid attention to almost none of it.
He'd stabbed when you told him it was time to stab, he'd joined your side when you called him to you, but his mind had been wholly preoccupied.
They didn't make me do it, he'd thought, as he unlocked some chest.
Well, isn't this exactly what I wanted? he'd thought, following you down some stairs.
Clearly they just fell for my charms, my masterful seduction, he'd thought, flanking a prison guard for you.
So why do I feel like this? he'd thought, staring at your back as you led the way before him.
Now, he lays here in his tent, staring at the fold of its ceiling in a rapt fascination he doesn't feel. The feeling in his stomach has stayed all day, tethering him to his thoughts with its continuous pressure.
When did I get to the point where I would follow them anywhere? Is their lack of self-preservation contagious? he asks himself, eyes narrowing in frustration. I shouldn't have gone into that horrendous tower in the first place. Then I wouldn't feel like this.
But he had.
And you'd not forced him to do so.
You'd not forced him to do anything.
They're a fool, an utter fool. I could have bitten that drow, as easy as breathing, he thinks, rolling his eyes at the thought. Close your eyes and push through, that's what I always say.
But did you want to? something in the back of his mind asks.Â
Of course not, but when has what I wanted ever matteredâÂ
It may not have mattered under Cazador's grip, but it has always mattered to you. You're nothing like that evil man. You'd always been there for him, had managed to find trust in your heart for him, and had been genuinely kind to him.
The now-familiar feeling in his stomach seems to spread to the rest of his body, a warmth that doesn't quite feel warm. It bleeds all the way to his face and his lips curl up into an involuntary smile at the thought of you.
Youâ you, who had only ever been meant to play a bit role in the tragedy that is Astarionâs life. You, who had transcended your part, leaving Astarion contemplating every aspect of you in the stark solitude of his tent.Â
Your beauty when you're covered in blood after a battle, the mischievous glint in your eye when you're teaching a child a sleight of hand trickâ even when anger pulls your brows together and you're yelling at him for saying something particularly naughty. Each and every one makes his smile grow wider.
You, his chosen protector, are so much more than just that.
They are incredible. The thought comes to him unprompted, truly as easy as breathing.
His eyes widen in alarm, staring blankly at the tent above him.
The feeling in the pit of his stomach wasnât an illness. Nor was it hunger. No. It was guilt. It was jealousy. It wasâŚ
Oh fuck, Astarion curses to himself. Am I in love?
Now that he has a word to the sensation, that the feeling is in his grasp, he knows he's right. He doesn't have a lot of experience with love, if anyâ he'd never had the luxury under Cazador's cruel gaze and he can't recall much from before thatâ but he knows he's right.
And hells does he wish he could crush the feeling in his hands right here and now.
Gods, you complete and utter imbecile, he thinks, hitting his head against the floor. You have things to do, goals to accomplish. They were only supposed to be a means to those goals, not a â aâ
Astarionâs mind blanks as he thinks of you again, your charm, your wit, your damnable caring.
Not a companion. Not a friend. Not a lover. When did those late night trysts turn from an obligation, a part of his simple, perfect plan, into something more?
Even now, as he thinks of those nights, he brings a hand to his lips, recalling a night where you had simply stayed in his bedroll. You had kept all of your clothes on, as had he, and simply held each other as you fell asleep. Their kiss that night was delectable, he recalls, tracing the line of his lips, as if he could still feel the ghost of yours on them.
Fuck, he thinks again, dropping his hand in frustration. How could I have been so blind? How did I not nip this in the bud before it got to this disgusting pining?
But he hasnât nipped it in the bud. The feeling has grown, unfettered, quick as a druidic plant growth, all unbeknownst to him. It has been nurtured by your attention. It has been watered by your kindness. It has become unruly in the safety of your arms.
Now what? he thinks to himself bitterly, wiping a hand across his face with a sigh. What use are these feelings when everything they were built upon is a lie? You are, after all, still playing the role he set out for you.
He considers overlooking the feelings, just as he has inadvertently done in his ignorance. It wouldnât be of any use to tell you, of course. You could hardly feel the same way about him as he does you, and heâd rather not add another nuisance in the fight against the Absolute.
Besides, if he told you, he would have to fess up, explain his entire plan to you. What would even be left of the two of you after that?
But, he thinks to himself. Letâs say I did tell them. What could they possibly sayâŚ
âI was pretending all along too.â â gods, that would break him. That much is all too apparent from the way his undead heart aches at the thought, with a pain he couldnât possibly feel.
âI like you, but not like that.â â maybe this was worse. Actually, it was definitely worse. He may never recover. His ego would certainly never recover.
âI have someone else that I love.â â honestly, reasonable. What did he have to offer you after all? A bloodthirsty master and the occasional snarky comment? He wouldnât be surprised to find you in Karlachâs tent at this very momentâŚ
âI hate you.â â he might be able to take this the best. You should hate him. Heâd done nothing but lie and manipulate his way into your bedroll. Hate, well, that he understood.
âI love you, butâŚâ â every single 'but' cut like a different, jagged blade. But weâre in danger every day? An excuse, surely. But you come with too much baggage? True, but not something he would be able to resolve. But I donât want to be with a monster? Again, reasonable, but out of his control.
Astarion runs through scenario after scenario, each one playing with his own emotions in a new and horrendous way. In the end, he all but slaps himself out of it.
No, I cannot tell them. I absolutely must take this to my second grave, he determines, shaking the thoughts away with a few hard blinks.
But the feeling in his chest is more persistent than ever. As if giving it a name and meaning has given it a new, annoying life. He laments to himself aloud, "I may never feel like myself again.â
If this is what love does to a person, he wants no part of it.
__
The vampire didn't have a restful night's reverie, that much is apparent. His mood is foul, his body tense, and his eyes are trying their damnedest to avoid yours.Â
No way, he thinks as you all set off for the day. I spun myself into a frenzy last night. Clearly. I feel absolutely nothingâ
Then you turn back to him, concern lining your eyes as you address him. What had you just said? He had found himself somehow lost in your eyes, your lips, the turn of your noseâŚÂ
Shit, he thinks to himself. No, get back in control. You have only just reclaimed yourself, you can't lose yourself to something as cruel as love.
But, try as he might, his eyes canât avoid you.Â
All morning, he continues to sneak glances your way. Despite his roguish nature, he finds hiding his stares to be impossible. After all, you are the groupâs leader. You are at the front, you are at his side, gods, you are everywhere. This feels like some kind of divine punishmentâŚ
You catch him looking, of course. And each time, he curses himself, gods, you idiot. You may as well broadcast your feelings to the world. And hells, how long have you felt this way?
Astarion tries futilely to act normal. This is just another day with the group in the Shadowlands. Heâs not thinking about holding your hand in his. Heâs not thinking about the way you look when you sleep. And, above all else, he is not thinking of your lips or the way that they move when you say his name.
Despite his inner turmoil, the world moves on. You lead the group through the Masonâs Guild, and you all manage to clear the place out easily enough.
The vampire thinks heâs finally reaching some sort of peace. Yes, this routine work he can do. No problem at all.
Then, you say something kind to Karlach, that infernally charming woman, who continues to support you at your side. Who, for all intents and purposes, should be the person who warms your bedroll at night, now that you can touch her. Not him, the man who can only make your bedroll colder. Who, even now, is avoiding your every glance.
Oh hells, he thinks, face dropping. The realization that heâs right is too much for him to bear.
Astarion stalks off, annoyed at himself and his thoughts, needing a moment to recollect himself. I can do this, he thinks. I can do this. I canâ
âFuck,â he mutters under his breath once he knows heâs alone. âYouâre supposed to get over this, you stupid fool. Shit. Gods dammit.â
He hears your familiar footfalls approaching and freezes, his shoulders tense with anticipation.
You find him in a pool of shadows away from the others, and he canât help but feel like a beast thatâs been cornered. Heâs certain his face reflects that, reflects every bit of emotion heâs feeling as plain as could be, but your patience with him has apparently worn thin for the day. Your voice is less kind than usual when you say, âDo you need to talk?â
Seeing the anger in your face, the way that your hands are placed on your hips in annoyance, he knows he canât keep his feelings to himself. Heâll only continue to push you away, into the strong, red arms of another.
No, he thinks, in a panic. I shouldâ I need toâ
He needs to do something about his feelings, unwanted or not. Really, he needs to tell you, regardless of what your response may be. If not, he may regret it for the rest of his undying life.
Now that he is in control of his own choices, he supposes that means all of them, for better or worse. That means even the most difficult ones. This is one of those difficult ones, isnât it?
So Astarion swallows his pride, his anxieties, his insecurities, and settles his fate.
âLater,â he says, barely getting the words out. He blinks, and tries again, pleading with you with his eyes, âPlease, just come by my tent later.â
Later, I will tell them. Everything.
#astarion#astarion x tav#fanfic#astarion fic#astarion x reader#rogue + rogue#astarion fanfiction#astarion fanfic#astarion fluff#astarion x gn reader#astarion x gn!tav#baldurs gate astarion#bg3 astarion#astarion pov#astarion is bad at feelings#astarion feelings realization
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High value habits to elevate yourself đĽâ¨
When the term "high value" is mentioned, we often think of things related exclusively to economic wealth, but being a high-value person is an attitude, an attribute founded on habits and a wealthy mentality. So today I wanted to mention a few habits that I personally perceive as something a person with strong standards apply on their lives. â¨
Sorry if there's any grammar mistakes, English isn't my first language :b
1. Long-term mentality âŚ
Enjoying yourself is very important, but when we only think about the things that give us temporary pleasure, is often very likely that we forget to take care about our future stability. For example, if you want to travel, the smart thing to do would be to save the money in order to be able to afford it, but how many times we just feel the urge to waste money on unnecessary stuff just to get that brief satisfaction, that bad habit will take us far from our goals. This rule can be applied on almost every aspect, and if you're able to stick to your goals and take decisions according to them, trust me, you'll get very far.
2. Invest âŚ
Stop wasting and start investing; your money, your time and your energy. In terms of money, you obviously can spend some of it on pretty stuff, but instead of wasting your whole salary on things you want, a smarter move would be to use part of that money to invest it on something that potentially can give us another income, maybe there's a valuable peace of jewelry or clothing that not only we could use, but to sell and trade in the future, or even if you have enough money saved, you can invest in a property, to not only live in it, but to rent it. Our time and energy works in the same way, we could be wasting our time and energy with people that don't give us nothing we can learn from, and you're worth way more than that. Find people and habits that not only make you feel good and appreciated, but that will leave you something interesting for your personal growth, and remember, better alone than in a bad company.
3. Details matter âŚ
How we talk, how we decide to present ourselves to the world, our values, the effort we put on what we make. Every little detail says something about us. For example, something as simple as spraying perfume before we go out makes a difference, or if you study, the amount of time and effort you decide to put on certain classes. Socially, what you decide to say, and to develop the hability to stay quiet when necessary. Maybe you think that those little things don't make a huge difference at the long-term, but when you see how your life can change drastically with every little step you take, you learn to pay attention to it.
4. Patience âŚ
It is a strong word, it is even harder to apply to our lives sometimes. Being patient not only with people, but with our circumstances. Sometimes things that we don't like happens, and we don't even understand why because we thought that we did everything right, but everything happens for a reason, it's like a fruit, you could take it out of the tree earlier because you're hungry, but it isn't that mature and tasty, but if you just wait, resist the hunger, the fruit will be way better. That applies to money, emotional growth and life changes. Learn to understand that sometimes, pain will be the sign to something better than your current situation.
5. Stop following the crowd âŚ
Set standards and learn what is good for you, if you just rely on others to decide what is best for you, or even worse; you know something is bad for you and still do it for others, then expect low quality experiences. People time to time will call you boring or even extreme just because you decide to be loyal to your values. If something that everyone is doing seems beneficial, do it, but because it gives you something valuable, not because of the crowd. You can apply this rule to everything; friends, money, and other experiences. The amount ot peace and comfort that you can get with this transformation is a huge life upgrade.
This were some topics that come to mind when the "high value" term is mentioned. And remember, no one is perfect and every little thing makes us unique. Life is a long journey that you can decide to upgrade with every little move.
Hope u enjoyed! âĄ
#girlblogger#fashion#girl blogger#girlblogging#moodboard#luxuries#luxury#aesthetic#luxury aesthetic#luxe#high value mindset#high value woman#high maintenance#it girl#black girl luxury#gaslight gatekeep girlboss#girl boss#girl blogging#luxury lifestyle
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Loving Astarion, for me, is an act of self-compassion. Maybe it's different for others who play BG3, but every time I have built a relationship with Astarion, it has been both intentional and a challenge. I've had to commit to loving him, to learning him, to balancing what is good for me with what is good for him.
Astarion is desperately hungry for safety. But he doesn't know what safety looks and feels like; it's an unfamiliar animal that seems hostile to him. If you are set on goodness for your playthrough, you have to be creative and sometimes underhanded in your efforts to be kind and merciful. Otherwise, he'll never trust you.
It is a commitment to figure out all of the ways that you can create safety and show him kindness in ways that he'll accept. I'm struggling to phrase it correctly, but it's so, so important to me that the more he trusts you, the harder it should be to love him, because that's when you learn about the harm he's caused and how little remorse he has for it. But instead, it gets easier to love him. You no longer need to disguise your kindness around him.
What's more, he no longer disguises his--at least, not as often. He even shows a bit of mercy.
If you choose to persuade him not to ascend, he thanks you for it. Not because you saved him, but because you were his mirror, showing him that he was always more than what his abuser made him. Even knowing he's done horrible things, you love him.
That's something that I desperately needed to see, to experience. Loving him through his pain and hunger and villainy helped me accept those parts of myself as well.
I'm so grateful to Larian and Neil Newbon for this character. He can be a real pain in the ass at times. But he's worth the effort. I love building a relationship with him and watching him learn who he is and who he can be. Is it a perfect experience? No. But I'm so thankful for it.
I don't know why, but I feel the need to apologize for the ramble. I'm sitting at work and just thinking about Astarion. I'm not doing all that well in my head recently, but I'm clinging to the things that matter to me. Anyway, you can ignore me.
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Behind Closed Doors
Draco x Fem!Reader
Warnings: Secret relationship, anxiety, struggles eating, I think thatâs it :)
Summary: Reader is friends with the Golden Trio as well as in the same House as them, but is dating Draco in secret.
Note: Dedicated to @miniy00ng1 for requesting! I hope you enjoy it!
Masterlist
___
It was mealtime, the whole Hall filled with students in different colored robes, banners hung up about the upcoming Quidditch game. The whole place seemed to be buzzing with excitement, every face having a smile as all stomachs were fulfilled. But the girl at the maroon themed table thought otherwise. Eating seemed like the last appealing thing in existence sat the moment. In fact, the gold plate in front of her seemed to be blinding, its reflective surface painful to the eye. She leaned back in her chair, ceasing the sting as she continued to push around food on her plate; she didnât feel like eating at the moment. Not that she wasnât hungry, she was ever since Snape opened his mouth in Potions, but now as she sat in the Great Hall, other plates of students piled with delicious food, eating felt sickening. Something was stopping her from doing so, a feeling nagging at her stomach trying to eat her alive until all she could feel was whatever this was. The feeling was sickening as well and all she felt like doing was falling face first on her bed.
âSomething the matter?â
She flinched softly, fork slipping easily from her hand to the floor, a loud clacking sound as a few students looked over. Her heart pounded slightly from the unexpected voice but she quickly composed herself, fixing her hair and facing her friends. Hermonie was the one who spoke, eyes filled with concern as their eyes met each otherâs.
The girl nodded and swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the feeling inside her but unsuccessfully doing so.
âY-â she cleared her throat. âYes, Iâm doing well.â
Hermonie glanced at the red head next to her for some sort of weâre-going-to-talk-about-this-later look but he didnât seem to be paying any attention, too busy talking to Harry about their plan to punch Malfoy in the nose.
The intelligent girl sighed, glancing back at her friend.
âOh if youâre certain.â
The girl suddenly felt it coming up her throat, the secret she held in for months bottled up inside her, only for her to loose her ability to speak, voice stuck in her stomach. The feeling was thick as it settled there, daring her to spill what was going on behind her friendsâ backs.
âIâm certain.â She managed out, voice cracking sharply before she cleared her throat.
Hermonie gave her a concerned look before turning her attention back to the book she had provided herself. That was after she snuck another look.
The girl herself was relieved her friend didnât push further, or she would have almost told her what was really going on. You see, the feeling nagging at her wasnât hunger, as she was trying to convince herself, but rather anxiety. She knew something they didnât, and as each day went on she felt worse and worse about it. If there was one thing she didnât like it was keeping secrets from her friends. She liked expressing her feelings with them because they would show their support as kindness; both something she personally didnât experience as often as she desired. But this wasnât a little thing that happened in class that she was worried about, it was big. And she was supposed to keep it a secret?
The nagging feeling grew despite her mental pleads, but she tried to ignore it as she again tried to eat, but once again failing to do so.
~~
The soft sheets surrounded her later that evening, emerald bed frames not quite fitting in with her maroon robes. Pale fingers were in her hair, stroking the stress from that day away with his touch. His lips pressed against her head briefly before he spoke. âYou okay, love?â He whispered against her hair, voice almost muted but she hears him perfectly.
She nodded against his chest, his scent seeming to get stronger in her scenes just from doing so. Draco sighed very softly.
âI know somethingâs wrong.â He stated, letting his words float in the air for a little so she would reconsider telling him. It was her turn to sigh, this time it was in defeat since she knew she had to tell him eventually.
âI feel bad.â She explained hesitantly. She could almost sense Dracoâs confusion so she spoke again, this time getting up a little and looking into his eyes. The silver drowned her, surrounding her in concern. Her heart stuttered at the sight.
She reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it softly.
âI mean, we canât keep it a secret forever. Theyâre gonna find out sooner or later.â She explained. She felt him tense beneath her, hand squeezing hers right back.
âLook, loves, I know you feel bad for not telling them, and thatâs okay, itâs normal, but theyâll judge us. You know that.â He said this calmly and gently, stroking her hand with his thumb while his other hand went through her hair.
She nodded, deciding to let the stress go and focus on the moment hand. She had someone that understood her, cared for her, loved her, and she was thinking about what others thought?
âWhat are you thinking about?â Draco asked her, taking notice on how she was looking out the window in deep thought, hand pausing on her head. She smiled into his robes, rubbing her cheek on it comfortably. She finally felt like the anxiety disappeared and she couldnât see a time where it would come back again.
âHonestly?â
âHonestly, loves.â
âYou.â
Thank you again for requesting! Youâre appreciated! đŤśđť
#draco lucius malfoy#draco malfoy#draco malfoy imagine#draco malfoy x reader#draco x reader#hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry#imagines#tom felton x reader#x reader#stories
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Determination!: The all blue night (platonic)
Masterlist for the series.
I put in Zeffâs manga reasoning for loosing a leg this one cause it makes more sense and is much more impactful in my opinion. Like I get they didnât want to put in he ate his own leg to survive because itâs super dark but I digress. Sorry for the slow rate Iâm writing stuff school has been taking a big toll on me inspiration wise and kinda mentally too lol
tag list : @peachsuka28 @emptynessinmyworld @badluckinfrench @j-s-l-m @tigerfang-rage @madokamagicaa @rymtea @angstylittleb1tch @badluckinfrench @emmbny @kenkenmaaa @yunho-leeknow @chibiduck @spqce-bun @coca-cola-fiend @Koifishpoond @eyes-ofhell @imaginarydreams @ghostdoodlen
At some point in a long while hunger becomes or less like second nature
You knew the feeling intimately
It starts as a burning pit that consumes your entire stomach
Eating through stomach lining as acid boils over and spills into the rest of you
It travels and burns
Eating you away as hands scrape against the midriff to try and alleviate the ache
The pain
The want
The need
The agony
But eventually the pain becomes background noise
As does all pain after so long
Youâd died so many times in so many different ways and yet starvation is one thing that is familiar to you
And like how death is your friend whom you see oh so often
So is hunger
Nights spent alone clutching a completely empty stomach
The pain becoming almost a comforting sensation in its familiarity
At some point youâd just accepted that your stay hungry
That even when dying over and over again and occasionally treating yourself to a meal youâd stay hungry
Because even when you ate it was never enough
Stomach still aching and swirling in its emptiness and collapsing in on itself
At some point a long time ago you used to go to bed with a full stomach and now each night your rocked to sleep by the pain of an empty one
Things used to be different
And you canât remember what that was like anymore
So you just accepted as it was
And so you accepted youâd be forever hungry
Ending up a cruise ship wasnât your intention but just as most things that happen to you it quickly becomes a new experience
And as always you go with the flow of things
Ending up on the cruise wasnât planned
Nor was ending up somehow being found by a young chef boy who helped cover for you
But as always fate seemed to have different plans
And you just rolled with it
The boyâs name was Sanji, he was 10 and helped you hide in the storage area of the cruise
At night heâd sneak you out
With hands much like your own, scarred yet retaining a soft and caring quality heâd guide you through the halls
Past the creaky floorboards he knew by heart after 2 years of apparently living on this ship
Through the elegant dining rooms that housed grand chandeliers and checkerboard floors
Beneath the white table cloths of spotless tables he and you sit
Quietly looking at recipe books together or sharing stories between the two of you
Sanji was apparently from the north blue originally, but found himself on the cruise that now housed him called the orbit
The chefs found him one night
Scared and alone pillaging the kitchen
They took pity on him, partially out of genuine concern and intrigue at seeing the spark of talent in him
And since then heâs been cooking and calling this place âhomeâ
Though that was a vague term
Much like yourself Sanji had ambitions beyond this small boat cruising the sea
He wanted to find something
Wanted to be something beyond an errand boy
Wanted to cook for anyone whoâd have his food
To ensure they didnât go to bed hungry
The way he describes it to you under a table in candlelight resounds something in you
Especially since he then takes your hands, promising heâd ensure youâd be full
That youâll have the best food he can provide
All for you
Someone whoâs still a stranger to him
A stowaway on a cruise meant for upper crust but not quite celestial dragons (yet they both act the same either way)
And he still promises heâd do everything in his power to make you content
He cooks for you as if you were someone important and not a stowaway
You nod along not having the will to tell him heâd never be able to do that
Not when you canât remember what being full felt like anyways
And so you lie and say your full after you finish a plate even if your still staving
His blinding smile is able to make you feel the pain momentarily go away anyways
Sanji tells you one night of a place called âthe all blueâ
Supposedly it was the place that connected the north, south, east, and west together
Creating a sea where creatures from all four seas could coexist together
It was a chef and fishermanâs dream
But it was just that
A dream
Unattainable and imaginary
OrâŚat least thatâs what everybody else thought
But not Sanji
And certainly not you
He speaks so hopeful about his dream
Of finding the all blue
Of proving everyone wrong
Of making his dream come true
He has the spark to do it
You can tell by his eyes alone
Sapphire hued just like the waves of the ocean he seeks
Similarly he sees a spark in your eyes as well
Almost seeming to Glow in hazy candlelight
And as you say you believe in him
In his dream
Believed in him when no one else did
Well, whoâs to say he couldnât become more motivated
Especially when your eyes shine like stars above the sea
And when in the candlelight highlighted by luminous stars hidden in irises he asks you about your dream
And in a haze of memory and emotion you tell him a story
One you cannot remember now but he holds dear in his heart
The story of wanting
The story loss
The story of loneliness
The story of a family torn apart
And the story of a devil fruit
By the end of it all you and Sanji sit in a darkened kitchen
Two stowaways on the same ship (though one is welcomed and the other is a mystery)
Both connected through the spark of a dream to sail the seas
Oneâs purpose clear while the other is hazed
But either which way the two talk in an empty kitchen and eat
Unknowingly both know what it feels like to starve
And both know loss
The two of you make a pinky promise, when he finds the all blue youâll be the first to have one of his meals and you promise youâll always be his friend
The raid of the orbit comes out of nowhere and somehow predictable at the same time
Youâd come to know that your luck was something that ran out quite fast
And unfortunately you were no stranger to things such as this
But typically when a ship went down you were on the deck
Now instead you were in the storage
Stood atop boxes that were quickly being eaten up by cold unforgiving water
Yelling and screams echoes down quickly flooding halls
Waves crashing so Harshly against the ship that it begins to crack the wood, doesnât help that the invading ship is bumping into it either
Confusion spreading through you like wildfire as the water continues to raise higher and higher
If you were anyone else youâd be scared of dying to such a fate
But your not
Your more worried about Sanji as you trudge through the wading waves
Feet becoming heavier and heavier with each step you take
Feeling as if concrete was slowly forming shoes over your boots or chains manifesting from the cold water that sucks warmth from you
By now itâs just above your waist and the effects of it really begin to hit you
Soon enough youâd be immobile
Unable to move and frozen like a Statue for the waves thatâll sink you with it
If you didnât die from the cold first but you doubted that
With how the steadily rising of it your definitely drowning before hypothermia or shock
Though at this point even the pain of choking on salt water, it quickly filling your lungs for the burn of air loss to help fill the liquid
But then you hear sloshing through the blaring of your ears
And your name
It echoes and for a moment you need a moment to realize what was said or who even called out
But then it hits you
Sanji
He came back for you
Came back knowing youâd be in danger
Came back knowing you were in an area with water
Came back knowing youâd be eaten up by the waves if he didnât
Came back because he knew knew you ate a devil fruit
Shaking cold hands grab your own and he drags you with him
But at the point in which the water gets to the point of immobilizing you he decides to pick you up instead
Placing you on his back as he drags both himself and you through flooding halls
Water splashes
Yelling continues
Sanjiâs rapidly thumbing heart echoes through your ribcage as you helplessly lay your head on his shoulder
He shouldâve left you there to save himself
You say so to his face
But despite that he yells at you for being an idiot
About how in the hell you expected him to leave you there to die
Not when he promised heâd cook you the first meal heâd make when he found the all blue
Not when you were the only one who enjoyed his cooking
Through the chaos you and him stumble out into the deck
The boat rocking violently as rain and sea water pelts down on you like hail
Your still weak because of this, the water soaking you to the bone
But thoroughly out of being submerged you slink off of Sanjiâs back
But he holds your hand
It shakes in your grip
Heâs scared and you canât blame him
Swords clash all around the two of you, and somehow both of you weave through the carnage
For reasons you donât like to think about he seemed used to fighting just as you were
But unlike you who content in laying down and dying he fights
Sanji will die clawing to survive
Itâs why he picks up a sword
Why he points it at a pirate despite the fact he wonât win
Why he pushes you behind him even if your stronger and older than him
Because Sanji cares
And thatâs something very rare now in the world
Even when the captain of the crew comes up to the two of you Sanji doesnât back down
He proudly declares his dream
To find the all blue
And within that captains eyes you see it
That same spark, that same dream, that same determination
Though itâs dying and faded it for a moment lights up once more
You see it before being engulfed by water and grasp for it
You, Sanji and the pirate known as Zeff end up on a barren rock in the middle of the ocean
No grass nor trees
Just a jutting stone too far up from the water to safely jump in from or fish
Stuck after the captain with dimming eyes saved both you and Sanji after a colossal wave swept the two of you off ship
In the water despite your attempts in making Sanji let you go he didnât
His grip had held stead-strong as he kept trying to pull you up with him
Unable to even as air escaped his lungs
But Zeff intervened
And the three of you were alive for now
But you could hardly call this living
You sit with Sanji looking out towards the sea, hoping for a ship to cross by
The food given by Zeff wonât last long to feed either of you past a few days, you know that
Even if Sanji does his best to ration it between the two of you
You know one of you wonât survive
And you know you wonât let it be him
Starvation is not a new go around for you
Itâs probably your most common death besides dehydration, drowning or hypothermia
But itâs not a fun way to go even if the pain of a empty stomach became commonplace for you
You canât let Sanji die that way
Not before finding the all blue
So when heâs not looking you hid the food he gives you
Hiding each piece and scrap of moldy bread
Keeping it from his sapphire eyes that become more and more sunken like your own
Keeping the fact how much pain your in from him
You distract from it all by telling him more stories
Of singing songs even if your throat feels like sand paper is scraping against it with each word
Each syllable
Each hum
But you donât care
Not when you see his eyes reignite with hope
Not when his sullen face pulls up into a smile when you tell him of when you learned piano from a crew who befriended a whale
Not when they sparkle with curiosity when hearing of a land atop the clouds with white winged people
Not when you see the slightest bit of ease when you tell him of the constellations
Pointing to the stars and explaining their meaning
Telling him how no one was ever truly alone when the stars hung and watched
Thatâs whatâs you had told yourself after so many weeks alone drifting
That the stars were watching
That you werenât alone as you clutched Rogerâs coat closer
Everyone was made of stardust and in the end thatâs where they returned when they died
You werenât alone, not with the stars watching over you
Not when Roger was watching over you
As you lay awake while Sanji clings to you for warmth you pull the coat closer around the two of you
One night as Sanji slept you snuck to the other side of the island
Zeff doesnât face you, but the smell of iron lingers in a scent as familiar as the sea to you
Blood
It stains the ground and air in its presence
Itâs familiar to you though, even if thatâs a sad fact to admit
Sitting down next to the old captain you look to the night sky
Your oldest friend of them all
Bleak and empty with the stars being the only boots of light penetrating the deep darkness
Dead stars continuing to shine even after being extinguished, their light still traveling eons away to hit your eyes in their gentle glow amidst the sorrow and joy of life
His hand trumps your shoulder as you sit next to him, he can probably feel the bone beneath now paper thing flesh
Fat being eaten away by your body to try and survive
Leaving you a shell of yourself even moreso than him or Sanji
He can tell, and despite not looking in his diminishing eyes you can sense the horror in them
His shaking hand is enough to tell you
But despite it all you smile at him, now looking at the weathered man
Your eyes speak volumes that he canât decipher in such little amount of time
But even with that he sees the understanding and acceptance of your own fate
And it crushes him
Grinds him down to his very spirit
And Zeff is left speechless as you tend to his tourniquet and stump of a leg
Still bloody and raw
You donât flinch at the sight at all
If anything you gaze at blood and gore as if it were normal
Examining it as if it were a paper cut before assuring him itâs luckily not infected and that he cut off his blood circulation correctly
How you knew this knowledge was beyond him
And yet you knew it all the same
Humming a soft tune to yourself that he hears softly in the daytime across the little barren rock of an island
Itâs raspy and quiet
And at the same time hauntingly loud in his ears
It seems to linger there even as you go back to Sanji
As does the fact you know what your fate is
And that thereâs nothing him nor the boy could do for you, your body on the cusp of death that nothing could change that
But all the same you smile and sing in the face of it all
As if awaiting death like an old friend at a bar
Drunk on the remaining days of your life as you sung songs awaiting his arrival
Youâve always known when your time was near, you always seemed to sense it before it had come
Maybe death was a sentient entity and youâd just been able to sense it better as time went on
Or maybe you were just so used to your body shutting down that youâd noticed the signs before it happened
But either which was you knew your time was soon
There was no crying about it
Nor shivers of fear
If anything it felt more like a release and a hopeful occasion
Because youâd be released from the hunger if only to feel your stomach become empty again (but for the moment you wake in that void where you clutch a golden star the pain is gone)
If only to be released from this barren prison and find a way to save Sanji and Zeff
Because if you died you could get them help
That was seemingly the only purpose of your powers anyways
Die
Comeback
Rinse and repeat
You were fine with it though
As long as it meant you were able to help others (even at your own expense)
Every moment drags on
Every twitch of your finger takes so much out of you
Your body not having enough to power it
Despite it though you sit beside Sanji one last time
You sing for him and tell him stories
Tell him of the grand line and its wonders
The new world and its mystery
Trailing off occasionally for a break as everything becomes harder to do
The words seeming to slur and slosh around in your mouth
He can tell something is wrong
By the tears gathering in ocean blue eyes he knows
So he savours what you say
What you tell
What you sing
The words being engraved in his mind as paper thin skeletal hands clutch his own
That night he falls asleep much later than he usually did
He sits staring up to the stars youâd told him of
His grip deathly tight on your hand
Thumb lightly grazing your pulse as if to ensure himself your still there
Still breathing
Still alive
Using your pulse to try and keep himself awake even if itâs wasting precious energy
When he eventually drifts off with tears gathered in his eyes (knowing youâd be deathly still in the morning, cold and stiff and forever asleep) you tell him to find it
The all blue
He dreams of that place when you slip from his grasp
He dreams of the fishes mingling together when you take out the scraps hidden away and placing them in his pile
He dreams of preparing when you hobble over to Zeff
He dreams of cooking when the old man begs you to eat, to be selfish and you reply that you are being selfish. That you want him and Sanji to live for your sake and that was as selfish as it came
He dreams of serving you a dish when the old man can do nothing but hold you close and not want to let go and yet eventually you slip away
He dreams of your reaction as you say to Zeff your gonna go get some rest and promise to get them help with a gentle smile
He dreams of sitting beside you with his feet in the water wadding slowly, the sight of a sunset fading quickly into night
Briefly he jostles momentarily awake when you lay back next to him, smiling and telling him to get some rest
Halfway asleep he nods, partially thinking it was his dream because heâs had no one care for him like this except you (and mom and maybe Reiju)
So of course for the moment in which heâs only partially aware he sees it as a happy dream
You hold him close and he goes back to dreaming
He dreams of you sitting by his mom in that hospital bed, a dish for the two of you in her lap while you fade into the nothingness that is night
When he wakes that morning he wakes up alone and cold
He lays there for several minutes sobbing to himself as he notices the food he rationed out for you a few feet away untouched and moldy
Sanji sobs and his all blue eyes spill with tears
Across the island the old man does the same
Your body is not on the island and unknowingly to them faded to stardust
But both later come to the conclusion that in your last moments youâd decided to take the plunge into the water
To not leave them with a rotting corpse on that barren rock (since despite both of their hunger neither would eat your corpse. Zeff could eat his own leg in desperation but that was his leg, not the dead body of a child)
A reminder of both their failures
One in protecting the two young children he sacrificed his leg for
And the other in promising youâd be the first to taste his dream
Unbeknownst to them across the sea a young child reports to a ship of being a survivor of the orbit
Saying that they saw two others shipwrecked on a rocky island jutting out from the ocean
As a ship is sent off to investigate an odd group of crows end up dropping food on the barren island to Sanji and Zeffâs bitter relief
Two loafs of bread and a canteen of water being able to get them a few more days before rescue
The urge to go see them is there within your heart, but for their sake you decide not to
Youâd caused them too much pain in the first place
You donât want to rub salt in the wound
Plus youâd prefer oregano instead to season yourself
Sanji is a troubled child, heâs self aware to know that about himself
Itâs perhaps why everyone hated him
But for some reason you didnât and surprisingly enough so did Zeff
The two of you handed out kindness to him as if he deserved it
As if he werenât a failure on so many levels both genetically and emotionally
In a sense he could get why you did it, a kid only maybe a year or two older than him
Someone he viewed as his closest friends despite the relativity of time spent together and as a sibling he wishes he had (the now healed bruises and scars you saw but never pushed to ask about as you helped put salves over the old wounds are evident of that)
Someone who sacrificed themselves for him, for some fucking reason saving your food for him even as you withered away before his eyes
If he had been more watchful he wouldâve noticed it, but being half there on that island starved and scared left him more like a shell
Made him ignorant until it was too late
He could accept why you care, but he canât accept why Zeff cares
Canât accept why this man, a hardened pirate would give a shit about him
Offer him kindness
Take him in
Mentor him
And eat his own leg to ensure Sanji and you wouldnât go hungry (partially worked in the end)
Sanjis sometimes gets kindness from women, moms warm hugs are evident in his mind as is the tears from a sister who tells him to go and be free
Sanjiâs sometimes kindness from those his age, your the shining example but he can also think of a few guests in the orbit who played games with him in its halls
But most of all Sanji has never experienced kindness from a man
So seeing Zeff go out of his way for him
Seeing how Zeff on the rescue ship doesnât let anyone hound him for invasive answers and ensures he gets food first
The good food the ship goers give in pity that he scrounges up with a snotty noose and runny eyes, Zeff always lets him eat first before having his own fix
How Zeff rubs his back as the both mourn
It means a lot more than words can say
As does the fact that Zeff on a silent night says heâs going to open a restaurant on the sea
And that he needs staff
A silent invitation that is solidified as Sanji quietly takes his hand with tears in his eyes
If the old man is crying Sanji doesnât comment
Not even if raindrops fall down from a clear night sky and pelt his dirtied kitchen apron
Not when heâs held close in loving arms
Not when they sit in the deck both brokenly humming the song youâd sing like a broken record
Out of tune and off key
It plays when the two of them cook in the kitchen of the baratie
Sanji always looks to the stars when he takes a smoke break, Zerg occasionally accompanying him on the balcony in a somber silence
And even though Sanji hates wasting food he canât help but make an extra plate sometimes
Canât help but subconsciously make more than needed to feed someone not there
Zeff doesnât comment on it and tells the others to lay off if they ask Sanji about it
He canât judge when he sometimes does the same
Canât when he sometimes looks out to sea and hears your humming in the waves
The small song sung by a raspy throat that helped ease hours of the days spent on that barren rock
Days in which he worries of his wound being infected
Days in which he worried for the boy who shared his dream and the child who looked as if they accepted death
And it stays with him
Because Zeff can so clearly see your sunken face when he spots a starved begger on the street
Can so clearly see how you curled up at night trying to keep Sanji warm as skeletal hands clung to you
Can clearly see your eyes when he stares out at night, the full shine of stars that looked so bleak
Can so clearly see you valued the two of them more than yourself no matter how either of them tried to save you
And yet they couldnât do it
You werenât here anymore, no body to bury or honour either
Nothing but a barren rock and cold salty water to serve as your grave
The chefs at baratie try to question when one night a year they see Zeff and Sanji leave a full plate of food on the deck
But none of them ever get an answer except it was for someone hungry they couldnât feed
Patty always tries to chase away the crows that peck at the food but each year they return to eat that plate of food until nothing is left
And oddly enough the murder always seems to leave behind a loaf of bread in the plates place
Years later a cannonball crashes through the baratie
Cracking and breaking timber in of what Sanji calls a home
Besides that and a marine asshole with his beautiful date itâs a mostly normal day
Not the worse heâs experienced
Nor the best
Average would be the best way to put it, the baratie often times seeming more like a fight club rather than a proper cooking establishment
If the smirk wasnât enough I n the douches face then it was the fact he wasted perfectly good food
The thought sickens him
A sunken starved face stares back at him from the wasted soup
Boney and dead
It leaves him sick to his stomach especially when a starved pirate stumbles through the door
And everything seems to come back to him all at one once
Especially the manâs eyes, they look too much like your own on those last few days on the hellish rock
Soulless and empty
When he places a plate in front of the starved man he doesnât expect anyone from the dinning room to follow in his example
Not with their cheering of the man being beaten down by patty
But stepping through the side door someone follows
He extinguishes his cigarette and turns around just as he hears the clink of another plate being lowered to the wooden deck
And itâs there that Sanji freezes
Your eyes stare back at him in just as much shock
A cigarette long forgotten falls to the deck and is extinguished when he steps on it
His arms wrap around your own as tears drop freely from his eyes
You hold him the same as you did the last
One hand laced in golden hair while the other pats his back
His knees buckle from the weight of it all
This has to be a dream
He only sees you in dreams or in the faces of the truly hungry
Your sunken starry eyes staring out from others
But your here
And your healthy and safe and alive
And despite the fact heâs confused as all hell
He canât help but thank whatever god there is out there that your here again
Not just a reflection of a memory
Your here
When you pull away he canât help but want to pull you back just to ensure you donât go
To not make the same mistake that Zeff did in letting you go that he still regrets every single day of his life
But as you pull away you donât do so entirely, you hold both his hands as he kneels to match your level
A confused starved pirate watches confused alongside a boy in a straw hat
âI know you probably have a lot of questionsâ you say, your hands fidgeting in his with nervousness. You expect him to be mad, to blow up at you and yell at you to leave but he doesnât, instead you feel his thumb rubbing circles comfortingly on your knuckles. âThink you can get the old man? I think I owe it to you to explainâŚ.oh and Iâll pay for the food. I grabbed a random plate on the way hereâ
#determination!#one piece#platonic#one piece x reader#one piece x you#one piece sanji#one piece zeff#sanji op#sanji x reader#poor sanji#lol
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Food for Fangs: Unmasking Vampire Parts.
Personal and Educational Post.
Written by Blade.
The way dissociative identities present as individual parts reflects how trauma has affected the brain. Their traits stem from what was needed to protect against trauma or overcome stress. These traits or ways of perceiving the world may be disguised or interpreted by the brain in the presentation of different types of alters. This allows the individual to remain unaware of their trauma, as the brain may create a narrative that feels understandable and logical, reducing the likelihood of questioning these details. It may be the way the individual's brain allows itself to feel things the host personality was not allowed to during abuse.Â
However, there are many misconceptions about the way parts present in Dissociative Identity disorder. This series will cover non-human parts. This part 1 post is about Vampires, written by Blade, a vampire alter. This post will also primarily only cover parts when in executive control, as we feel discussing internal worlds is a different section more suited for the post of their own.
"Can vampire alters consume human food?"Â
This question often arises due to the misconception that vampire alters truly believe they are vampires trapped in a human body. However, this is not the case. While an alter may present as a vampire, they are still aware of their human biology. If an alter is unable to understand or realise their role within the system fully, it could result from high levels of dissociation, such as derealisation and depersonalisation. It is crucial to address and work through these issues, as allowing a trauma-based reaction to persist outside of the traumatic experience can be harmful.Â
Do they eat human food?
Depending on the role an alter has within the system, they may be required to consume food if they take executive control for an extended period. However, there may be trauma associated with food, and this discomfort may manifest through the vampire alter. Some may have the role of holding these feelings to prevent others from experiencing them, as it may cause less distress for them as a vampire who does not have an innate connection to the concept of consuming food. This is what my part did, I was disgusted at the idea of food and I only began to feel normal hunger after some therapy focused on my individual. This was also not questioned by other members of the system because it felt normal that a vampire would not want to eat human food or find it repulsive.Â
But arenât Vampires always hungry?
Although not all vampire alters are hungry all the time, this could be another trait of protection that is allowed through a vampire part. As discussed by Howell EF (2011) in âUnderstanding and Treating Dissociative Identity Disorderâ, a non-human part may form a protective state that is allowed to express an emotion or feeling that the host part is unable to. Expressing hunger or being allowed to feel hungry may be something that the individual was not allowed to do so the brain displaced that feeling onto a part suited for that position of dealing with that pain, or the child/adult experiencing more trauma related that feeling as being like a vampire.
âVampire Alters crave bloodâ
This relates to the point I made earlier: vampire alters are not actual vampires from mythology, so they do not crave blood. However, there may be aspects of their role that give the impression they crave blood. This could include being around procedures involving blood, being around mentions of blood, or being tasked with clearing a wound if it occurs. In the mind of a child or an adult experiencing additional trauma, a vampire would be the most suitable alter for this role, as they would naturally be comfortable around blood. However, to a part that is unaware of this trauma, or even to the vampire alter themselves, they may feel them being around as an impression that they crave blood like in myths. A vampire alter may also be assumed to crave blood if they happen to also be a persecutor who causes physical harm that results in blood.
 A person's craving to drink blood, known as Clinical Vampirism, is a rare condition that has been documented through case studies. However, it is often associated with a delusion or as part of mental health conditions such as schizophrenia. But, there was a case study on a man who suffered from vampirism and was later diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). His violent tendencies, stemming from his vampirism, manifested through his other identity, leading outsiders to believe that his dissociative identity was a real vampire as an alter. This perpetuates the misconception that vampire alters are always like their mythical counterparts. However, the introduction of the case report clearly states that there is no established link between vampirism and DID, and they should be treated as separate conditions. This case study serves to show that vampirism is possible in patients with DID even if DID did not cause the vampirism. We have included the case study in our bibliography to provide sources, but we must issue a trigger warning for extreme violence, SH, su*cide, and trauma of all ages. Additionally, the use of the r slur in the introduction should be noted as it may be offensive and we do not agree with the use of the word. We will have linked more reading on the topic including other case studies of people with schizophrenia and one study that talks about the different levels/types of vampirism documented. All the same trigger warnings apply.
Although vampires do not have an inherent desire to drink blood, some may find comfort in consuming red foods. This may serve as a way for their brain to establish safe foods and comfort through this alter without it seeming out of place or may have been the brain thinking the only way the individual would be able to consume these foods was if they were a vampire and hence the trait is given to the vampire alter. In my own recovery, addressing my relationship with food was important. I eventually discovered that my comfort food was tomatoes, and I found it easier to consume foods like Gazpacho, which is in liquid form. This allowed me to find comfort in eating while also embracing my vampire identity because it felt like a natural progression towards something more positive, as it also involved addressing past trauma but brought comfort too in being a non-human part.
This post serves as an important reminder that DID is a trauma disorder so everything about an individual will be shaped by trauma. It is not a fantasy or roleplay in which dissociative identities are made or exist by.
Bibliography
Howell EF. Understanding and Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder. Routledge; 2011.
Sakarya D, Gunes C, Ozturk E, Sar V. ÂVampirism in a Case of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics. 2012;81(5):322-323. doi:https://doi.org/10.1159/000335930
OâBrien C, Hallahan B. Delusions of Vampirism in an Adolescent and Treatment with Clozapine: a Case Report. Cureus. Published online October 2, 2023. doi:https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.46352
Halevy A, Levi Y, Shnaker A, Orda R. Auto-vampirism--an Unusual Cause of anaemia. Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine. 1989;82(10):630-631. Accessed July 25, 2024. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1292349/?page=2
Hervey WM, Catalano G, Catalano MC. Vampiristic Behaviors in a Patient with Traumatic Brain Injury Induced Disinhibition. World Journal of Clinical Cases. 2016;4(6):138. doi:https://doi.org/10.12998/wjcc.v4.i6.138
References 3-5 are the extra case studies referenced in the post.
Written by Blade.
This is a personal and educational post.
#did#actually did#dissociative identity disorder#dissociative system#did system#actually system#complex dissociative disorder#cdd system#actually cdd#cdd community#osdd#did osdd#actually dissociative#dissociation#did alter#non human alter#traumagenic system#traumagenic did#actually traumagenic#pdid#osddid#partial did#partial dissociative identity disorder#other specified dissociative disorder#alters#did community#endos dni#endos not for you#anti endo#system stuff
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hi guys hereâs the cannibalism drabble as promised. i want you all to keep in mind i started this around 1 AM and finished around 3 AM and that is abundantly clear because it may seem less coherent the further it goes. which might add to it idk. also this entire thing is unedited so iâm slapping it at you like a wet fish
this isnât canon, its for a specific au of mine called stainedrose :)
CONTAINS: cannibalism (a LOT of cannibalism), consumption of raw meat, disease mention, consumption of the brain, splitting someoneâs skull open, past beheading mention, extreme gore all around, vivid descriptions of gore and violence, also the head is whatâs eaten, very vague references to past trauma, implied conditioning, experimentation, dehumanization, sort of cult-like setting but also not really, unaware whumpee, parental figure whumper (not that obvious in this specific drabble but yeah. whumpee is an adult though), scientist whumper, carewhumper, test subject whumpee, inhuman whumpee, starvation, loss of autonomy, captivity, sleep deprivation, medical inaccuracies (i did research but never enough)
yeah itâs a doozy. enjoy!
He couldnât remember the last time he felt hungry. Being starved for years had that effect. After a while, the feeling just faded away. It was as if he realized that he didnât need such things. He was better than that, he wasnât like these people. Thatâs what his superior always said, anyways. The boy had yet to internalize it, but at least the smaller sensations had faded entirely. Pain, fatigue, hunger, they seemed more like suggestions than experiences. The more he told himself that, the less they seemed to affect him.
When his superior entered the room one morning, carrying the newly severed head of an ordinary-looking brunette man, he was initially confused. His superior tossed it over to him, and it landed on the concrete floor with a hollow thud. The viscous liquid still flowed from where it had been lopped off, leaking onto the textured gray floor. He couldnât help but feel overwhelmed by the smell. It reminded him of worse timesâ It reminded him to be grateful. He was being treated exceptionally well, considering his previous situation. He could bear the smell, and he could bear the way the cloudy brown eyes settled loosely on him.
He looked back to his superior, who nodded towards the head with a subtle smile. Hesitantly, the boy approached it, observing the finer details he hadnât noticed before. It had been a clean cut, as the queenâs often were, and he could only assume that the man had died directly on contact. It was a merciful death. Quick and nearly painless. His superior stood in the doorway, removing his bloodied gloves and inverting them, before sticking them into his coat pocket. This wasnât an ordinary gift. Heâd been given knickknacks every so often, little bottles of fluid or clothes or trinkets. This was a test. Another test.
ââŚWhat is this?â He spoke at last, hoping for some sort of direction. He felt relieved when he watched the manâs face soften ever-so-slightly. Heâd been right to ask. He waited for his superiorâs instructions, or at the very least an explanation.
âSupper. You havenât been eating much, and while Iâm pleased with your results so far, Iâd like to see how well you readjust. Itâs also a test of your immune system. Itâs an incredible testament to our work so far, and Iâd love to see it in action.â He explained casually, a neutral smile upon his face. âAll you need to do is enjoy your meal. I wonât mind the mess.â
The boy pushed any questions to the back of his mind. Heâd gotten an answer, and he should focus on the task at hand rather than ruminate on specifics. If he performed well, everything would make sense sooner or later. His superior was a logical and kind man, and there was no reason for him to act off of a whim instead of necessity. Perhaps this was some sort of poison resistance test? He vaguely recalled something from his past lifeâ the one heâd left far, far behindâ something about prions infecting the brain. But of course, he wouldnât be affected. His brain would obviously cancel the production of unnecessary proteins to prevent them from forming in the first place. Thatâs how that worked. Thatâs how it always worked. He just had to keep that in mind.
Without further hesitation, he sunk his teeth into the cheek of the head, holding it as you would a lover. The skin was warmer than he expected. Still fresh. He relished the sound that came as he tore off the chunk of flesh, and the flavor that bloomed in his mouth as the blood seeped from the wound. No meal heâd ever had before could begin to compare to the taste. Something more primal than hunger overtook himâ the need to indulge. Engorge. Consume. He plucked the softer pieces of skin from the face and neck, gently tracing his lips against the skin as he sucked the blood and gore from the open wounds. The way the muscles actively began to tense with the more time he spent with it made it seem almost alive. Two interconnected beings becoming one. This soul had died alone and without struggle. The fight was over and lost. Neither of them had to be alone now. Whoever the person had been before death hardly mattered to him. Thatâs the beautiful thing about death. Thereâs no judgment in death.
Rigor mortis made the muscle and fat easier to bite into, though harder to chew. The texture was different now, more waxy. Heâd worked away at most of the meat now, save for the scalp and area around the orifices of the face and the eyes. The exposed bone and viscera on the rest of the face was a sight to behold, saved from the possibility of rot. This body, or at least the head, would never know imperfection. It would be made useful, as all things should be.
He bit through the lower lip, easily pulling it away from the bone with his fingers and placing it into his mouth. Next came the upperâ and then the nose, which was admittedly a lot more awkward to remove with how stiffly it clung to the bone beneath it. By the time heâd gotten to the eyes, he had already planned how to go about excavating them. The boy peeled the eyelids and swallowed them down, before placing his fingers between the space where the eye nestled into the skull. He didnât need to apply much pressure before they came free with a squelching pop. He ate them one at a time, pressing them between his teeth until they burst. They tasted meaty, but not in the same way that the rest of the body had. The taste was a bit odd, even for him, though he downed them without complaint.
The gorey sockets stared back at him, the face now devoid of anything that resembled life. Hair still clung to the top like a matted mop, now tangled in blood and messy scraps where he had been less neat. The tendons that kept the bones together remained untouched. Heâd been gentle with the process. As gentle as he could have been. He could have easily ripped the jaw from its hinge in order to get to the last bits of gore heâd missed, but he wasnât a barbarian. He didnât feel like his superior would approve of him disassembling the entire thing. It would make it so much harder to clean.
He turned back to his superior, who was observing his bloodied face with his typical soft smile. He wasnât allowed to stop yet. The man motioned for him to continue, and the only thing he could do was comply.
The boy tore off the epidermis and hair, dropping it to the floor. The cranium was wet with blood and fluid, and he silently questioned how he could even go about breaking the thing. After a bit of contemplation, he bashed it against the concrete floor, watching the bone splinter and crack. The noise rippled throughout the room, and while he didnât see it, he could feel his instructor flinch for the first time. He threw it down again, this time with more force. The back of the skull split, and he was able to pry his fingernails through a fracture. He chipped away at the skull until half of the brain was exposed. The squishy wet folds gave way as his hand slipped through them, before gripping onto a slippery blob. It came apart in his fingers, so he grabbed at more until he had a sensible handful. The brain was so soft he hardly even needed to chew. It was almost buttery in texture, and tasted nothing like the rest of the body. It didnât have as strong of a taste as the rest of the body, being almost pure fat, but he persisted regardless. Itâs what his superior wanted from him, and heâd be a fool to decline generosity when it was handed to him so kindly. The blood that mingled on his fingers at least added a bit more of a flavor, though it was diluted from whatever fluids the brain was already saturated in. He eventually decided to try a different approach, moving his hands to cup the skull like a bowl. The partially eaten brain sloshed around in its confinement. He put his mouth to the jagged edge and attempted to eat it like a soup. The mounds of pink brain matter that still remained were quickly devoured, leaving nothing but a hollow shell stripped of everything it could possibly be stripped of.
He stared over at his superior with a sheepish smile. The man nodded and stared at the fragments of skull and viscera on the floor. âWell, that was a spectacle. You did well. Weâll continue as usual, though you may have the rest of the day to yourself assuming youâve finished your affirmations. Donât worry about cleaning up, Iâll send someone in.â He walked over to the disfigured skull and plucked it from the boyâs hands, before patting him on the back. âYouâve done so well today. I hope you keep up the good work.â
#whump community#whump#whumpblr#whump writing#crepâs ocs#lab whump#oc whump#carewhumper#inhuman whumpee#inhuman whumper also i guess but itâs not relevant#cannibalism#cannibalism whump#tw gore#tw graphic#tw cannibalism#oc#ocs#oc writing#conditioning whump#mind conditioning#very very slight implied mind reading but i doubt anyone will catch on#starvation whump#tw starvation#scientist whumper#koi oc#whitey oc
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The âevilâ ending for an âevilâ character is the good ending for that character. All the facts in the game say so. Spawn's ending is terrible: Astarion is abruptly and painfully deceived, and rejected. He doesn't expect at first what happens, he's been walking in the sun before, and probably deep down he desperately hoped things would stay the same. And he burns and runs away while the others rejoice in their victory, including Tav, and while they celebrate, Astarion sits somewhere behind the crates at the dock, curled up in a lump, slowly healing his wounds. Not only that - hunger will haunt him forever. Dulled senses and feelings - a vampire spawn has dulled senses. For example, he will no longer be able to savor the taste of food, wine (as AA does in his happy epilogue). The undead odor that will now exude from his body has returned. The sun that Astarion loved so much, and which is now killing him, is in many ways also a symbol of how the âbright worldâ rejects Astarion as something âforeignâ. This bright, joyful, sunny, and light world in which there is no place for the likes of Astarion. Sure, a player can be on the side of the âbright worldâ, and everyone has their own beliefs, morals, etc., that's understandable. But it's unlikely that Astarion wants to accept that he has to retreat into darkness. And whatever the âartistic intentâ may be, on the facts, it looks the way it looks in the game. And on the facts, a good ending for Astarion is the Ascension. The fact that he is no longer hungry or in need of a tadpole is far more important to me (and consequently to my Tav) than the fact that Astarion has decided to call me a pet (oops, trouble!). When on the one hand - â spawn foreverâ, hunger, burning, vulnerability, depression and so on, and on the other âscarecrowsâ with ârelationship inequalityâ, especially since all this âinequalityâ before the advent of kissing patch 6, consisted in the opportunity to admire playful Astarion, who demonstrated deep, strong affection and love. Abusing someone who genuinely loves, understands and supports him ( like in patch 6) is of course his story as written. Extremely poorly written, in that case. In all my life and all my gaming experience, I've never encountered worse writing, alas. At least now that it's fixed I can think of when he says "I'm always watching" and how it shows his love, the attention he gives to Tav. Even when socializing with other companions, you can think of Astarion watching, meaning he's still around, and rejoice in that. The adorable bat that often stops its flight near Tav is also very cute, and sort of hints at the possibility of being together, even while doing different things. For many of us, âflagsâ are of the Ascended Astarion are quite green, and some may even be gold. And speaking of emotional abuse, there are quite a few very, very âredâ flags in Tav's behavior towards Spawn:
1. Manipulation. Tav manipulates Astarion into giving up what he really wants - the healing that the ritual will give him. If you fail the Persuasion check for this manipulation, Astarion will say how he feels about it, and how he âwantsâ the kind of fate Tav wishes for him.
2. Astarion suffers a lot in the scene of abandoning the ritual. It's a very heavy scene that just can't be watched without tears. Astarion cries if he doesn't ascend because he will be hit not only with the pain and grief of what has been taken from him, but also with the realization that nothing can be taken back. From the realization of the future that awaits him. Tav doesn't care. No reaction to it.
3. Tav specifically doesn't care about the state of Astarion at all. Not a single attempt to find not that healing, even at least some artifact to protect him from the sun. Tav is quietly going about his other, âmore importantâ business and having fun.
4. Tav's behavior in the graveyard seems somehow not particularly empathic, despite what Astarion tells them. Well, that's okay, we also have terrible post-Ascension dialog where I have to exclusively âwant to become a vampireâ because otherwise I have to âwant his bodyâ and spit on all of Astarion's past traumas.
5. The scene at the docks is the apotheosis and culmination of the embodiment of the worst partner behavior example in the relationship. Tav doesn't care about Astarion specifically.
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Things they donât tell you about food insecurity as a child:
Iâm 23 now. I buy my own food. I have food in my kitchen, and I can afford to go out to eat every so often. I have nutritious food, and I do not have any logical reason to worry it wonât be there later.
Yesterday I had a panic attack in the grocery store because I didnât budget for cat litter. I could afford cat litter, and I need cat litter, but I could not leave the aisle until I put it back on the shelf because what if I canât afford food now. I will have to make another trip to the store today to buy the cat litter.
I ate lunch earlier today. I ate leftovers, but it was a decent amount. I had chicken and mashed potatoes. By the time I finished eating, I was not hungry anymore. I am still not hungry. I have checked the kitchen 3 times looking for something to eat; not because I am hungry, simply because I need to eat so that when I inevitably run out of food, my body will have fat stores to sustain me.
Whenever I go out to eat, I set aside half of my meal to bring home, so I can guarantee Iâll have food for my next meal. When I get home though, I immediately panic that the leftovers wonât be there and I usually eat them right then, so that I will have fat stores and wonât have wasted food.
I keep a single cup of easy mac in my pantry so that no matter what, I always have food in the house. I keep cokes in my kitchen so that when I inevitably donât have food, I at least have a sugary drink to lessen hunger pains. I compulsively buy ramen because it is cheap. If I have less than 3 packs of ramen in my house, I buy another box of it so I donât run out, because itâs cheap and itâs at least filling. Itâs not healthy or nutritious, but itâs filling.
I have a panic attack if my total at the grocery store is more than $50. If it is more than $50 I have to do multiple transactions. Because growing up, we never had more than $50 to spend on food. If the grocery bill was more than $50, my mom had to call my dad to ask if we could afford to pull money out of the utilities budget to pay for food.
If any one item in the cart is more than $10, I desperately try to find a cheaper alternative. Yesterday at the grocery store I nearly lost it on my fiance because they picked out a roast that cost $16. I had to walk away and splash water on my face in the bathroom to avoid breaking down in the middle of the meat aisle.
Iâve seen people talk about the physical effects of food insecurity, how it causes similar physical effects as famine. Even if where you live has an abundance of food, if you canât afford it your body will end up in the same starvation mode that survivors of famine experience. You learn to function with a headache, sleep instead of eat. You get used to ignoring hunger pains, when your stomach growls audibly you blame it on indigestion. An inability to lose weight because your body is desperately holding onto those fat stores.
But I rarely see people talk about the emotional result of food insecurity. So I feel crazy when I start crying in the grocery store because milk went up by 10¢. I feel crazy when I eat nothing but ramen for a week because i had to buy $8 cat litter, and needed to make up for that cost in my savings. I feel crazy when I eat and eat and eat, because what if this is my last chance to eat this week. I feel crazy when I eat nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches for a week before I have friends or family over for a meal, so that I can afford to cook them good food. I feel crazy when I ask my fiance to go to the store so that o donât have to see the cost of food, and then I feel crazy when I canât eat because Iâm worried if I eat all of their food, they wonât have any for themselves. I feel crazy when I go get fast food or pizza because I canât make myself cook anything in the kitchen because what if it isnât there later and I need food for tomorrow. I feel crazy when every time Iâm asked where I want to eat I suggest ciciâs pizza, because then I can eat enough that it wonât hurt for a couple of days if I donât get to eat later, and itâs carbs, which is energy that takes a while for your body to process so itâll be energy for tomorrow. I feel crazy when I shy away from any kind of salad because it just takes up room in your stomach that could be used for something with a higher caloric value.
Food insecurity makes me feel crazy. It isnât just a physical issue, and it doesnât go away just because food is more available. Not having access to enough food when I was I child has permanently altered my brain chemistry. It is a trauma. And it is not something I see taken seriously enough.
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Three months on T babyyyyy
Wanted to share my experience as a hesitant nonbinary person on low (currently 1/4) dose T. This will be long but I'll try to organize.
Body:
-- Overall fat distribution and weight loss. I got cut in like three weeks flat? I think this is due in part to me not knowing how to eat properly with an increased metabolism. But for real. I lost the fat on my arms that had never gone away even on a good work out plans (and ffff even when I was anorexic). I lost most of the little pouch below my belly button. Fat from my legs, gone my dude just GONE. I'm eating properly now and these changes have stayed. I don't work out at all these days but I magically have more definition. I'm ecstatic.
-- Bottom growth. Yes right on day 2 even on low dose. I had a little growth spurt in the first three weeks, during which I was very sensitive and very horny (challenging combination). Since this growth spurt, nothing has changed and the sensitivity has gone down; I'm actually less sensitive than I was before. For me this is great because it was previously very easy to get overstimulated there in a bad/painful way. Hoping for another growth spurt soon. It's CUTE and I LOVE IT.
-- Body hair: no changes as far as I can tell. Maybe some of it grows a little faster. I've let the few hairs I have below my belly button grow out for the first time ever, and I think it's pretty cute.
-- Voice: no change as far as I can tell. Two coworkers did comment on my voice today but I am also sick.
-- Sweat: I notice my palms sweat more often, otherwise no change. This is kind of positive for me since before they'd only sweat if I was an anxiety goo blob; now it's just kind of a normal thing so I no longer associate it with that state.
-- Period: My first one on T was so minor and I got excited. Less mood swings, less pain. The second one... put me down. It was absolutely horrible, extremely painful with bad moodswings, and my dysphoria went through the roof. This was the first time in my life I considered calling out of work for it. I have since started BC to stop my period because my T dose is too low to affect it--that came with a host of other things to deal with. Wish me luck.
-- Chronic pain: I have pretty bad back pain and hold a lot of tension in my shoulders and hips. I also have tendonitis and my hands often hurt like crazy in the cold or after I wake up. All of this has decreased significantly. My shoulders aren't crunchy! I would have had to do 1 hr of yoga per day to minimize my pain this much beforehand. (Have tested this.) I am amazed. I needed this so so badly.
Mind / mood:
-- Hunger: yes I'm hungry! Almost all the time! But it's also more manageable. Previously hunger would make me nauseous, angry, overall not functional. Now it's just plain hunger and it's pretty easy to take care of. I had some ED history so its amazing to just eat food that tastes good and feel good about it.
-- Irritability: a lot of people warned me about this but for me it's been very minor. I have noticed that in conflict I am more likely to not turn everything inward, which is actually pretty positive. (For example if I get crap at work, I'm more likely to write it off on the other person rather than have a breakdown in the bathroom and blame myself and spiral).
-- Sadness: I still feel normal levels of sad about things that are sad. I cry less about dumb stuff, but I still cry about serious stuff. I have depression and I do feel like it presents slightly differently--more just numbness, less sobbing.
-- Dysphoria: my day to day dysphoria has significantly decreased. When I do get dysphoria, it is much much worse.
-- Energy: I have more energy! Which is amazing because the main thing my depression does is take all my energy away. This has leveled off but in the beginning it was a very significant change.
Ok that's all I can think of. Feel free to ask me questions.
I'm so happy I'm doing this for myself. It's a very low dose, and I'm sure many people would prefer faster/greater changes, but thus far this has been so right for me. I'm choosing to participate in the creation of my self. For the first time in my life, I'm not chasing satisfaction to only end up with dissociation.
âď¸
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re: fasting
Fasting is a huge part of Lenten tradition and many people's practices, and I wanted to take a minute to address it. This post will address food restriction and eating disorders, so please be aware of your own triggers/comfort levels before reading.
"Without a purpose or plan, it's not Christian fasting; it's just going hungry." (John Piper)
"Prayer is reaching out after the unseen; fasting is letting go of all that is seen and temporal. Fasting helps express, deepen, confirm the resolution that we are ready to sacrifice anything, even ourselves to attain what we seek for the kingdom of God." (Andrew Murray)
I'm not going to include the whole history/theology of fasting. I'd encourage you to do your own research if this is an interesting topic to you! I just wanted to put some general thoughts out there.
Often people focus on food during Lent, for a few reasons. Eating is something we do regularly and it affects every aspect of our lives. We literally can't live without it. The absence of food can remind us of our own mortality, that we are nothing without the things God gives us. Fasting throughout Christian history has been a form of submission and letting go, of experiencing God in our wanting.
Many denominations have communal fasting guidelines, usually regarding what food items to give up for Lent. Christians often stay away from rich/dessert foods at the very least. For many, this is a simple way to mark the season, to save some joy for Easter.
I talked here about the exceptions that exist in fasting guidelines. They exist, and they're very important. I have never had an eating disorder, but the mental health issues I do experience have given me addictive habits and tendencies toward self-neglect. I don't fast beyond giving up a few small treats, and I don't think it would be safe for me to go further. If you're unsure, I'd encourage reaching out to a doctor/therapist or even a family member/friend to discuss what fasting means to you and whether it would be healthy.
I've talked about not giving in to the temptation to punish yourself. We cannot let ourselves believe that pain is the only place where God is, or that God desires our suffering, or that we are closer to God when we deny ourselves. Sometimes it feels that way, but both joy and pain hold God, both scarcity and abundance bring us to God. Feasting and fasting are both ways to experience God.
Lent is when we remember Jesus's forty days in the desert, in which he fasted. Fasting is part of Jewish traditions that he probably participated in, and part of his temptation was going hungry. This is true. For many, feasting is easy and natural, and fasting is vulnerable. This is where they experience God during Lent.
What is also true: God ate, joyfully and often! He miracled more wine at a wedding, he multiplied loaves and fishes, he was only recognized by some of his friends after the resurrection when he sat down for breakfast with them. And above all, he placed at the center of our faith, as one of his final commands, to remember him at the holy table. Of greatest importance was his last supper with his friends, a religious ritual and a communal act of love.
As you navigate your own relationship with food and with God, remember both these truths. And remember, we fast in Lent to feast in Easter. If feasting is what you struggle with, maybe make an Easter practice instead of a Lenten one! Or maybe create a Lenten practice of eating when you're hungry, of finding things you enjoy eating, of eating communally and lovingly.
I believe we should come to Easter hungry, for God and Life. And Lent is a great way to honor that hunger. Some people need that to be physical and literal, but it should be spiritual above all.
You know yourself. God knows you. You don't have to answer to anyone but God, which can be comforting and terrifying--let it be a comfort today. You don't have to explain yourself except to the one who already knows any explanation you could give.
<3 Johanna
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The Unexpected Adventure Chapter 2
Chapter 2: A Learning Experience
Word Count: 5,980
Rated: Explicit
RATED 18 PLUS!!!
Chapter 1 - here
Chapter 2 - you're here
Chapter 3 - here
AO3 link - here
Warnings: Smut, Smut and fluff, body swap, brief snippet of violence (fight), unknown pregnacy, protective and soft Astarion, blood (drinking)
WARNING SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER
Once inside, Astarion locked the door, and as different as it was, he leaned forward and kissed Tav who held her stomach and chest like she was injured. âIâm sorry. I know itâs jarring to wake up a corpse with eternal hunger. You're used to warmth and a heart that beats.â
âItâs certainly quite the adjustment. Itâs a good thing I know your body so well, honey.â Tav attempted to find humor in the situation. âAt least Iâm in one handsome body.â Tav smiled awkwardly due to the fangs she was unused to.
âThat you are. I didnât realize how lucky you were until today. Gods, am I hot!â Astarion commented with a chuckle and light humor âBut seriously, can I do anything to help, my dear?â
Tav readied herself to speak when the door was softly knocked upon. Scowling in Tavâs body (Which Tav thought gave her a hilarious face), Astarion got up and answered their door.
Surprisingly, it was Gale on the other side of the door.
âTaâŚerâŚI mean Astarion, we may have a lead and we thought it would be best if you both were there.â Gale rationalized while looking away, unwilling to believe the circumstances the party was thrown into. It was no secret the wizard still desired Tav even with the obvious nature of Astarion and Tavâs relationship.
âHow did you get a lead so soon? It isnât like swapping bodies is a normal occurrence.â Astarion asked, annoyed. Heâd much rather be attending to Tav than speaking to the wizard.
âExactly. It isnât normal, so when we spoke to the innkeeper downstairs, he pointed us towards another wizard in town. Apparently, they are here temporarily. Something about them attending because of another wizard named Lorroakan. You remember, the brat in the tower we killed who was after the Nightsong?â
âObviously,â Astarion snapped. âSo how can a wizard help us?â
âAstarionâŚÂ It is only a lead. We wonât know much until we go to see them. Theyâre at the Rainforest Home when they arenât at Sorcerous Sundries.â Gale informed Astarion who was frustrated until he felt an arm reach around his waist. Thankfully, Tav made noise as she walked, since she had yet to pick up on his stealth abilities, otherwise it would have startled the ex-vampire.
âThis is so weird.â Tav commented on her embrace of her own body âGale, weâd love to come with, but we are stillâŚÂ Acclimating. Give us a few hours, and weâll join. It is still fairly early in the day, anyways.â Tav said in Astarionâs body. With that, Astarion closed the door on Galeâs face, not bothering to hear a reply.
âYou know, weâve got to work on your people skills.â Tav joked and made her way back to the bed. âI guess we need to get out of our armor, huh? Probably could do with a bath too, to be honestâŚÂ I meanâŚÂ Not saying you need it, honey, butâŚÂ I mean, if you want to get one since it is your body, andâŚâ
âTav,â Astarion said as he then kissed himself to stop Tav from rambling. He thought it would be more difficult than this to show physical emotion when switching bodies, but it really wasnât. Both of them were attractive people, in his opinion, and kissing her still felt right. âWhile we areâŚlike this, my body is now yours, and I trust you with it. Weâre both intimately familiar with each other, so it should be fairly easy for us to get used to certainâŚÂ Aspects of this. Now, with the vampirism, I will need to help you. Iâm sure drinking blood may be a little off-putting if we are like this for long, for example. Unfortunately, the pain will stay, and you will be hungry often, if not always. No matter how much blood you drink,âŚÂ ItâŚÂ Can be a lot.â
âIs this what you normally feel?â Tav asked as she struggled to get his light armor off until Astarion came over and helped her, Tav repaying the kindness by helping him with her own armor on his new body.
âDo I usually feel hungry? My stomach clenching in pain because there is nothing I can eat or drink that can quell it for long? Yeah.â Astarion began to nervously chuckle âIt was worse, actually, before the tadpole. The wriggling friend of ours seems to have diluted that, along with my strength, though. Regarding whether or not I feel cold, I grew numb to that about two or three decades in. It takes getting used to.â
Astarion could tell that Tav wasnât too happy with his reply, but he merely told her the truth. It was nice for once, to not be in pain and to not feel deathâs chilled hand upon your throat. Of course, that second part he wouldnât tell her. He didnât want her to act out of guilt, and he knew the cogs were working in herâŚÂ Well, his head, as they spoke.
âDo I always smell so good? And everything is so loud! Is that my heartbeat?â Tav asked as she struggled with the vampiric condition.
Astarion chuckled. âYeah, you do smell good, but what youâre smelling is blood. Itâs going to take some time to get used to, but the enhanced hearing is something you acclimate to. You hear your heartbeat now, but imagine in the companion room. All those hearts, the blood flow, and I mean everything will be able to be picked up. Youâll know when someone is lying or when they are aroused.â Astarion smirked at the shocked expression Tav responded with.
âHow do you do it?â
âDarling, I had two hundred years to get that under control. Donât expect to be in control of the vampirism in a matter of hours.â Astarion hated that he had to have this conversation with Tav. He hated his condition was causing her pain or grief. He hated that she now knew the full extent of his plight and he worried that could change the dynamic of their relationship.
No.
Not Tav. Never Tav. She would always love and trust him no matter how insane the reason. That was one of the many reasons Astarion fell so completely for her.
âAstarion? You there?â Tav gently prodded with a hand on her bodyâs cheek. Touch usually guided him back if done the right way, Tav had learned early on. A hug or a gentle touch to a safer area usually helped him focus on the present. Â
âHuh?âŚÂ Yeah, Iâm here. Sorry, dear, daydreaming for a moment.â Astarion wasnât ready to show more of his vulnerability at the moment. Instead, he took her lips, or rather kissed his own, and tenderly pressed against her. Astarion had to pull away, considering they only had a few hours to get used to themselves before being thrown into another mission.
âDaydreaming? What about? This must be different for you, too.â Tav asked out of curiosity.Â
 Astarion didnât have to think long before he came up with a half-truth. He was always curious, and now he could finally act on it.
âFood. Gods, what I wouldnât give for some strawberries.â
Tav smiled and took Astarionâs hand after grabbing Astarionâs daggers and attaching them back on the body she was borrowing. âletâs go fix that, shall we? Maybe a glass of wine will calm this stomach for a bit, too.â
âIâm not sure thatâs a good idea. Youâre like a newborn vampire. Any amount of blood, regardless of the source, and you willâŚâ
âHow is it different than when we go out to get our situation sorted out? I canât stay here the entire time, Star.â Tav rebutted as she cut him off. Astarion thought for a moment and shook his head.
âFine, but only because Iâm with you. I know the signs, and with our tadpoles, you can communicate with me if things become too hard without making it obvious.â Astarion sternly stated. He was looking forward to eating, but he would never put her in danger over something like this.
 The couple made their way downstairs, and thankfully found the establishment mostly empty. It was still early, so it was possible the lunch crowd had simply not descended on them yet. It was fortuitous since the scant noise in the tavern was already giving Tav a headache. All of the noise was worse than in the room, but Tav wouldnât let it beat her. The couple sat down at the bar, and Astarion found himself overwhelmed with the options before him. When he couldnât eat, it was much simpler. Now? He wanted to try everything, but he also wanted to respect Tav and her body. He was sure a stomach ache was not what he had in mind if he overindulged.
Seeing his plight, Tav placed her hand on Astarionâs thigh under the table at the bar and asked;Â âDo you want some suggestions?â
âPlease.â Astarion requested while being oddly shy about the his current state of affairs.
âInnkeeper, can we please have these?â Tav pointed to the roast chicken and stew combo. Tav had a suspicion Astarion would love to have protein but she wasnât done yet. âOh! And this!â Tav pulled a napkin out and wrote on it instructions before sliding it to the innkeep. Astarion tried to peek, but his eyesight wasnât what it used to be. It was more dull than before, but then again his partner wasnât an elf and the vampirism used to enhance his senses.
âYou realize these are out of season?â The man replied to her paper instructions.
âYeah, but Iâll pay well. Either I pay you a chunk of coin for them or I find someone who will.â Tav replied. The man seemed offended, but wasnât going to pass up the chance to make more gold. He scoffed and left to get the original order, and when he placed it down, Tav handed him five hundred gold out of her money. She wasnât about to dig in Astarionâs pockets and have him pay for her surprise. The man seemed pleased to hold the medium filled bag of gold and left them alone as he set on his task.
Meanwhile, Astarion could smell the food, and based off the pain in his stomach, he could guess Tav never ate breakfast. Of course, that isnât because Astarion didnât remind her, he was always trying to find ways to take care of his lover, and anything he could do, he would. He didnât care if it was massaging her shoulders after a hard fight, or doing anything else to bring her comfort. âHer job was difficult enoughâ, he surmised, as she had to bring everyone together and make the hard decisions. At least in privacy, he could be the one to take care of her. Astarion took a tentative bite as Tav watched of his chicken. Astarion felt like there was an explosion of flavor in his mouth, which was of stark contrast to the ash he would taste while still a vampire. Tav, meanwhile, ordered wine from the bartender as the innkeeper was still not back. It made Astarion wonder what she wrote down, however his thoughts and his focus was zeroed in on the food he was consuming. Every bite was something new. Astarion knew he was going to miss this when he returned to his body, but damn, did the reprieve feel great. To be warm, to have a heartbeat, and to live for the first time in centuries was a blessing. It just was unfortunate his lover had to experience the opposite of his situation.
âI..well, technically you, have a full bladder.â Tav whispered as she put the glass of wine down. âAnything I should know before I go take care of this?â Tav was normally very proud and headstrong and yet in this, she was coy. This made Astarion smirk.
âYou know my body almost as well as I do, my love.â Astarion chuckled âJust aim and shoot. WellâŚÂ That, and donât shake it too much after youâre done. You donât want an erectionâŚÂ At least not when I canât help you with it.â Astarion was smiling now at the thought of what they could do with these delicious new bodies, but of course, that thought would have to wait. Maybe if they got the chance later, they could indulge. After all, they were both beautiful people. Right now, however, Tav was fidgeting in her seat, and Astarion couldnât pull himself away from the food if he tried.
Tav kissed Astarion on the forehead and politely excused herself to use the bathroom, while Astarion ate his fill. After about five minutes or so, Tav returned with a contemplative look on her face. Astarion could feel his smirk grow as he waited for her to sit down.
âSoâŚÂ How did it go?â Astarion teased
âIâm jealous. It is so easy for men to pee compared to being a woman.â Â Tav huffed out while Astarion couldnât help his full belly laugh.
âWell, I guess Iâll find out if the day drags too far on, then.â Astarion shook his head hoping he wouldnât have to deal with more complex natural bodily urges. If Tav got her cycle, or worse, had to useâŚÂ The facilities, in another regard, he would be lost on what to do since he doesnât remember being in a body that consumed food, nor was he proficient in what she needed to do during her monthly visitor.
While Astarion ate and Tav drank her wine slowly, Astarion was aware of a small petite woman coming their direction from the open door of the Elfsong. Of course Astarion never met this woman but was taken aback by this determined face she wore. Tav, as per usual, was oblivious. Astarion kept an eye on her as he ate and saw she was staring at his body.
âGreat. Another one of those.â Astarion thought to himself as he thought of the men and women who he could seduce without moving a muscle. He just didnât realize until that day how handsome he was to see why he was so sought after in taverns and pubs they visited. Astarion would tell them off, but never really needed to once he and Tav got serious. He would just show some public display of affection and they would look away. Astarion thought that would be enough to protect Tav from this woman, but he soon found he was wrong.
Tav was a little surprised to feel Astarion place a hand on her thigh, and in between eating, he leaned over and kissed her deeply. Of course, Tav wasnât aware of the woman who watched them, but noticed something was up with her lover.
âYou okay?â Tav asked and placed a hand on his cheek as she was a little worried. Instead of a reply from her loverm the sound of someoneâs throat being cleared became apparent.
Tav looked away one moment and looked at the person in question. The person was closeâŚÂ Too close. The woman was within Tavâs personal space and caging Tav against the bar even which made Tav frown. Who did they think they were? Tav saw that this woman looked very attractive. She had long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and a thin figure. She held curves where she needed them, and larger breasts than Tav normally had. She was slightly tan, a high elf in full makeup and obviously she was aiming to get something out of Tav, but Tav couldnât figure out what. This was until the woman spoke and Tav remembered that everyone saw her as Astarion.
âHey handsome, what brings you here?â
Tav was surprised for a moment until Astarion cut in.
âIf you donât mind, this is a private conversation.â Astarion hissed out while not looking too ferocious as he was in Tavâs body. The woman ignored Astarion and turned her back to Astarion, still caging Tav in against the bar.
âItâs a bit noisy here. Why donât we grab a booth somewhere a little moreâŚÂ Secluded? Leave this tart, and we can see what I have to offerâŚâ
Tav put her hands up in an effort to have something between her and this random woman, but her anger festered under the facade.
âThis âtartâ as you put it, is more important to me than youâll ever know. You canât offer anything that I donât already have with her,â Tav caught herself to make sure she was using the right pronoun. âNow go fuck off, you hussy.â Tav snapped at the woman. Tav was not in the mood to deal with this situation. She was hungry, she was cold, and she didnât want to have to kill a woman for coming onto her significant other. Tav felt honored that Astarion trusted her to protect and take care of his body, and she would be damned if she would betray that trust.
Astarion smirked at Tavâs shutdown of the situation and her words. It made him feel warm and seen to be with Tav, and he wasnât referring to her body heat. When Tav declared her love publicly, it never failed to make him feel safe and cared for with her. Of course, these feelings were all new to him and he only just started accepting them, but he knew he always felt complete with TavâŚÂ No matter what body she was currently inhabiting.
âAss! You donât have to be a jerk!â The woman snapped but Tav just laughed. Unfortunately, that may have been the wrong thing to do, as it flashed Astarionâs fangs briefly, something the woman noticed.
âIâŚÂ Iâm going to go over thereâŚ.IâŚ.Iâm sorry bout the mix upâ the woman stuttered and backed up slowly. Astarion noticed immediately why there was the sudden change in demeanor.
âShit.â Astarion got up to handle the situation when a large red tiefling woman grabbed the scuff of her clothing and hoisted the belligerent woman in the air.
âOi! Iâve been watching you. You give my friends any grief, and Iâll make sure the Fists canât find any of your parts left.â The woman was shaking her head ânoâ, and squeaking out how she would tell no one and she was just mistaken.
With that, Karlach tossed the woman aside who ran promptly away. Astarion sighed in relief as Karlach joined them.
âI hope the bimbo wasnât a problem. Kind of hard to miss, actually. Figured youâd both welcome some help,â Karlach mentioned before adding on âHad to do that bit a lot as a bodyguard in the Hells and even the bastard who sold me. Iâd much rather help you both out, though. You both okay?â
âYeah, Iâm fine. Astarion? Are you alright?â Tav answered while eyeing the entrance suspiciously.
âYeahâŚÂ Itâs just jarring.â
âThank you, Karlach, for the help.â Tav said in Astarionâs body and voice. It was very off putting to hear Astarion say thank you even if it was technically Tav saying it. Karlach just laughed and replied.
âAnything for you, Soldier...or should I say Fangs?â Karlach continued to laugh as she walked away.
Tav was going to speak to Astarion when the man she spoke to earlier returned.
âHello, sir. I have what you asked for.â The man sighed and held out in his hand a square box. Tav took the box and thanked the man before grabbing Astarionâs hand and retreating back to their room. Astarion was confused but followed his lover all the same. Astarion smiled as he held her hand...or rather his own, but it was nice to share such a moment with the person he cared for.
Tav locked the door behind them and excitedly smiled at Astarion.
âI have a gift for you!â
âI saw. Five hundred gold, too. What did you buy?â Astarion asked curiously.
Tav grinned more, the smile reaching her eyes as she handed the box over to Astarion. Â Astarion tentatively took the box and opened it to be hit with a sweet aroma. It was a fruity and sweet smell that Astarion felt like he smelt before. Long ago before he became a vampire. Astarion looked down and saw triangular shaped red fruit with a leaf at the base end.
They were strawberries.
Astarion could feel himself salivate at the thought and the smell of the confection. Astarion wasted no time bringing the red part of the fruit to his lips and taking a bite. It was beyond anything he had ever tasted before. If he thought the stew and chicken were good, then strawberries were divine. Astarion moaned and sat on the bed with his eyes closed. Astarion slowly chewed the food, enticing every drop of liquid to be expelled from the fruit before he swallowed.
âThis is better than sexâŚâ Astarion eventually blurted out after eating half the box of fruit.
âBetter than sex? I guess I have to remind you how good that feelsâŚÂ If you want to, of course.â Tav attempted to be seductive, but one laugh from Astarion and she knew it wasnât that great of acting in the new body. Tav began to laugh, too, but Astarion put the box down to the side and kissed her.
âDarling, I am very eager to see what that would be like, but first, you need to eat.â Astarion smirked and crawled on the bed a little to nestle between her legs. Astarion tossed Tavâs hair to the side and bared his neck. Tav couldnât help her hunger as her mouth seemed to froth and foam at the mouth with saliva. She was already passively in pain due to her hunger, but if it could be abated, she would find that very welcoming.
âI canâtâŚÂ I donât know how much to take! I may kill you!â
âItâs sweet of you to be concerned, but I can get your attention. Worst case? I have my dagger on me and can do something superficial. I would like to think you wonât force me to use that option, my dear.â
âHowâŚÂ ow do IâŚ?â Tav was confused but Astarion guided his body and head to the correct place on her neck and lowered her head.
âOpen up and just swallow. When I get your attention, you just have to lick the wound to close it. Now, push down, my love, and enjoy.â Astarion mentioned as he braced himself for the pain of being bitten, but the pain was substantially less that what he remembered Cazadorâs fangs were like. Tav punctured his flesh with a slight pop, her moan hitting his ears a moment later. Tav was given a moment or two before Astarion tapped on her shoulder and she pulled away, remembering to lick the wound first.
âGods, you taste so fucking good. That was so sweet, rich, creamy and smooth, like a well aged wine or chocolate.â
âYou did good, pulling away when I said to. Most newborns donât have the strength to do that.â Astarion praised Tav, who seemed proud of that fact. âAnd about the blood? Do you see why I love drinking from you?â Astarion chuckled.
âI also have a problem. This isâŚÂ WellâŚÂ Awkward.â Tav would have blushed if she could as she gazed down and looked at the first hard-on she had in his body. âI feel like I need you. I really need you.â
Astarion smirked. âI suspected this would happen. Normally Iâd take care of it on my ownâŚÂ Well, until we killed him. Since my rebirth, weâve been at it like rabbits, so I never needed to hide my erection from you, not that you would have had an issue before our trip to the graveyard. I just wasnât ready then, but now?â Astarion referred to Cazador like a vile poison he wanted to spit out of his mouth. âLet me help you get undressed.â
Astarion began unlacing Tavâs trousers, but he didnât have the dexterity that he was used to and grew more and more frustrated at his inability to unlace her pants. Tav had to help him in the end as he was about to take a dagger to the laces.
âYou need to relieve this.â Astarion huskily murmured as he was able to shimmy Tav out of the trousers and her underwear. Her cock jutted proudly at attention, a bead of Tavâs natural lubrication sat on the tip.
âIsnât this masturbation?â Tav asked sarcastically.
Astarion laughed and replied. âMaybe, darling, but we both need to have clear heads to solve this issue,â Astarion replies âPlus, Iâve been dying to find out what these bodies feel like to have pleasure in. To know what these feel like.â Astarion fondled his own chest earning a low moan. âTheyâre so sensitive.â
âLet me help, then.â Tav began to undo Astarionâs pants while Astarion pulled at her shirt. Once the laces were free, Tav sat up and tossed her shirt to the side, pulling Astarionâs trousers down to his ankles. Meanwhile, Astarion had stripped his shirt, but was struggling with the bra until Tav came to his rescue yet again.
âI donât get it. I am dexterous! This shouldnât happen!â
âMaybe your body is dexterous, but mine is not. My body is built for a fighter build, honey.â Tav mentioned before taking his lips. Astarion kicked his pants and underwear off as they partook in each other. Astarion moaned when he tasted the blood on her lips, the taste was different than he remembered, but that didnât matter to him. Tav took things a step further and deepened the kiss. They may have their bodies switched, but to Astarion and Tav? They didnât feel like they changed bodies while they kissed each other. Everything felt normal, natural, and oh so delicious. Tav pulled back, and lightly nudged Astarion, asking him to lay down. Astarion couldnât help how wet he was getting. Just the thought of what they would be doing made him want to clench his legs in an attempt to find relief for the deep ache inside of him. It was a surreal feeling, but one that Astarion understood well. It was desire. Astarion laid down and watched as Tav, using his body, crawled over him and took his lips again. Astarion could feel the erection against his thigh, as he instinctively thrust his hips towards Tav in an effort to find some kind of relief to the need he had, any kind of relief. Tav chuckled and began to kiss his jaw, his neck and his collarbone. She quickly made her way to his breasts and she took her tongue, giving his nipple a flick with the tip of the appendage. Tav clamped her lips over the nipple and swirled her tongue around the areola and nipple, earning a loud moan from Astarion. Astarion pushed his chest against her to get as close as possible to the pleasure she was giving him.
Tav spent a few more minutes lavishing attention on his rose bud before switching to the other. Astarion was very vocal as Tav massaged the breasts, licked and sucked on them and drove him mad with want.
âPlease! Stop teasing me.â Astarion begged. Tav pulled back and smirked, then without kissing her way south, Tav skipped kissing Astarionâs stomach (or rather it was her stomach) and sank to the junction of Astarionâs thighs. Tav spread Astarionâs legâs further and pulled the labia apart. Astarion swallowed hard, scared and excited in equal measure. Tav took a long lick up the center, from cleft to clit.
Astarionâs stomach clenched, pulling Astarionâs upper half off the bed slightly and momentarily.
âFUCK!â Astarion cursed, lowering his hand to the back of Tavâs head to encourage her to continue. Tav licked her lips and noted how although she tasted different, she was still sweet, and so Tav dove back in. Tav knew her body well so when she began her onslaught, she had to hold his body down on the bed. Tav began to twist her tongue and lap at the hidden pearl at the top of the vagina, sucking and varying the kind of licks and pressure on the clitoris. Astarion was loud, which was unheard of for the vampire. He usually was so well composed and so good at doing so. When Tav thought Astarion was building towards his crest, Tav slipped two fingers inside of Astarion whose legs trembled.
âIâm so close. Gods, this is unreal! This is so. Fucking. Good!â Astarion enunciated the last few words separately as he focused on his breathing. Tav curled her fingers looking for the small patch of flesh that was rougher to the touch and brushed against it several times.
This unraveled Astarion who screamed out Tavâs name in orgasm.
Tav could feel the contracting muscles, the throb and pulling inside where her finger sat. Tav helped Astarion ride out the climax, and when she went to pull away, Astarion grabbed her wrist. He grabbed the wrist of the hand that was inside of him just a moment ago and licked up the contents on her fingers.
âYou still taste divine, my sweet. That felt so good. Now itâs your turn, lay on your back.â
Tav was going to argue back, but Astarion had already sat up and was crawling to his prize.
âYouâre in for a treat, darling, I know how to suck cock well, and especially my own? This will be different, but I am sure I can make you come faster than you made me.â
âItâs a competition now, is it?â Tav joked.
âNever. I want you to thoroughly enjoy my lips and tongue on your new cock.â Astarion huskily said as his mouth now hovered over her engorged mast. Tav could feel his hot breath hit her new penis and she desperately wanted to thrust.  Astarion wasted no time and took her cock into his mouth, his hand holding her hips down just like she did with him, so she couldnât thrust yet. Astarion ran his tongue up the bottom vein and twirled his tongue over the head of the length. It was Tavâs turn to be vocal as the sensation overwhelmed her. Astarion was right, because he was proficient, she was in nirvana and didnât doubt she would come sooner than him. Tav tried to thrust and chase the release when Astarion pulled back to mutter.
My love, I want you to enjoy, not just come. Plus, youâre in for a treat.â Astarion took one long lick of her manhood. âThe woman I love comes at least twice. Weâre going to do a little testing and see how many I can squeeze out of you.â
âBy the gods, you feel great. Please, let me come! Iâd love to keep feeling this, but I really need release!â
âWe just had sex maybe a day or two ago, donât tell me you need so soon?â
âItâs you. Iâll always need you.â
âGrab my hair and thrust. I can take it.â Astarion said with a grin as he took his loverâs cock into his mouth once again. Astarion hollowed out his cheeks and sucks and moaned as he gave oral to his lover. Tav couldnât wait anymore and lightly held his hair before she began thrusting into his oral cavity. His mouth was so slick, so hot and divine, that Tav wanted to stay doing this but the coil in her lower belly told her how close she was.
âIâm gonnaâŚâ
Tav couldnât finish her sentence as Astarion used both his hands to pull Tavâs ass closer to his mouth, taking her all in and gave everything he had. She saw stars. She thought it was a myth, but this experience proved otherwise. Tav yelled out Astarionâs name, clenched her stomach as she partly sat up while she unloaded her load down her loverâs throat. Astarion just moaned as he drank his own sperm in. He noted how sour he tasted and wondered why Tav would like drinking his spend so much, however soon enough, Tav pulled away and left Astarion curious.
âYou drink me when I taste like that? I mean, it makes sense why youâre so delectable, but why swallow me, my sweet?â
Tav looked him in the eyes and smiled. âI drink you down regardless of taste, because I love you. I want you to feel good, and honestly? You donât taste that bad.â
Astarion looked at her quizzically, but noted she still sported a hard on. Astarion began to languidly stroke her mast while Tav would moan until Tav stopped him.
âDo you want to continue?â
âMy dear, I am giddy from excitement. I want this. We need this, and gods, when will we get another chance to make love while in each otherâs bodies?â
Tav crawled above Astarion at this point, as Astarion spread his legs around Tavâs hips and helped Tav line up her new cock.
âNow I should be prepared but youâll want to slide in slowly. Especially because I havenât been fucked as a woman before.â Astarion chuckled. Tav began to push in and almost doubled over her lover, the tight hot heat put Astarionâs mouth to shame. As she continued to push in, Astarion kissed Tav so as to muffle her moans. She was struggling not to spill her load so soon, and wondered how Astarion did it. Tav thought her new cock wouldnât be as sensitive as her clit, but by the gods, was she wrong. Eventually, she was fully sheathed and waited for Astarionâs signal to proceed.
âDarling, this feels incredible. No wonder you ask for my cock so much! You can move. Itâs like a deep ache inside me that goes away and feels so good, like burning electricity when you strike those walls.â
Tav began to move but was soon stopped.
âNo, no, dear. You donât simply pull out and shove in. Roll the hips.â Tav followed the instructions. âThere you go. Doesnât that feel better? It saves your back, feels better for both of us, and this way, you wonât fall out when you pull back.â Tav grew embarrassed at the last part as when they began coupling, she did, in fact, fall out for a moment. She didnât know how far to pull back, as she wasnât used to the appendage, but Hells, was he right. Everything felt better, tighter and more sensual as she rolled her hips into him. Tav kissed Astarion some more but deepened the kiss. She ran her tongue everywhere she could find. Astarion moaned and began to thrust back, his legs now tight against her hips and circled around her backside. The only sounds in the room were blissful moans, reliving sighs and cries of each other as skin slapped in rhythm of each other.
Tav began to speed the pace up, feeling the desire within her warn her that she wouldnât last much longer, but she didnât want to be the only one to come. Tav pulled Astarion's leg off her side and held it up as she rolled her hips. She angled herself deep and to the side slightly, which soon enough, pushed Astarion over the edge with a cry of her name. The contracting muscles and the throb from inside was too much and Tav soon followed afterwards. She emptied herself of her spend inside of Astarion, (or rather her own body). She didnât care, he was undead, so the chance of pregnancy was astronomically low. Tav slumped forward as she caught her breath (although, as an undead, she didnât have to) and was held gently by Astarion.
âWant to go again?â
#baldurs gate tav#bg3 tav#fanfic#fanfiction#ao3 writer#bg3 astarion#ao3 fanfic#astarion x female tav#bg3 fanfiction#astarion smut#bg3 smut#smut#fluff#baldurs gate astarion#astarion#astarion romance#astarion x tav#tav#baldurs gate 3#bg3#fanfics#ao3#ao3fic#archive of our own#fanfic writing#TUA#The Unexpected Adventure#bg 3#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate iii
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I am curious about your general advice when it comes to writing asexual characters as an asexual yourself. đ /gen
Oh boy. I am going to try to keep this brief, but I could go on for hours about this subject. It's still long though (just not as long as it could be). so I'll put it under the cut.
Here is a list of things a lot of people assume makes a character asexual that just don't:
*Being aro/Uninterested in romance
*Being celibate
Having no interest in sex or sensual things for whatever reason.
Hating sex or sensual things for whatever reason.
*Notes: Someone can be aroace, but romantic orientation and sexual orientation are different. All romantic orientations or sexualities can also be uninterested in romance for their own reasons.
I would recommend avoiding language like "asexual lifestyle" when you mean celibate. It's offensive for the same reasons the phrase "gay lifestyle" is. It's assuming people of an entire sexuality all live the same type of life and shows what little one knows about the sexuality.
These can be traits of an asexual person, but these are all romantic orientations, personality quirks, or life decisions that don't make someone asexual. The only thing asexual means is that a person does not feel sexual attraction to others (though keep in mind asexuality is a spectrum). Sexual attraction and drive are separate, and how an asexual deals with this drive or lack thereof can vary from asexual to asexual.
Let me try to explain this in a way that allosexuals (anyone who experiences sexual attraction) can potentially understand: Your hunger (drive) and what you want to eat (sexual attraction) are two different things entirely. Asexuals can be offered a whole platter without any of the food looking that appealing. It may look pretty, but an asexual isn't going to be frothing at the mouth to consume it. Yet, some asexuals still get hungry, and food tastes good, so some asexuals will want to eat just to fulfill that hunger or because it tastes good. Asexuals are of course aware of food and they may have thoughts/fantasies about food because it satisfies this hunger or because it tastes good. Whether an asexual wants to eat alone or with others if this does interest them is entirely up to them and can depend from case to case (for some having dinner guests is fun! For others it is a royal pain).
Keeping this in mind, I would recommend people avoid the trap of treating some representation as better than other representation. Asexual characters that have their own personal interest in sex, asexual characters that have no interest in sex but may show interest/participate in some sensual activities, asexual characters that have no interest in either, and asexual characters that are repulsed by either are all valid.
I just don't agree with the idea that "sexually interested asexuals are not good representation" because there are real asexuals who have this experience and deserve to have representation as well. I think the main thing to remember is that asexuals can have a very different relationship with sensuality than those who feel sexual attraction. Aka avoid writing an asexual character that is basically just another allosexual with a few quirks.
It is so important to keep in mind that labels like "demisexual", for instance, are not just "allosexual light" . Demisexuals only feel sexual attraction after they feel a deep connection to someone. If you have a demisexual character being sexually attracted to complete strangers, then you're not actually writing an asexual character. If you have a demisexual who is called that because they're only interested in sex for specific, personal reasons not connected to their sexual attraction, you are not writing an asexual character. I will admit I don't know much about gray asexuals, but, from what I do know, it is often a title used by those who experience sexual attraction differently from allosexual individuals, so keep that in mind as well.
The way they experience sexual attraction is still different from allosexuals. Don't write an asexual as an allosexual making a personal choice. For instance, a character who is actively choosing not to have sex until they know someone better is not demisexual, demisexual individuals do not feel sexual attraction until they feel close to someone. A character that abstains from sex is not asexual, abstaining from sex is a personal choice not all asexuals make.
Here are some things to avoid when writing sensually interested asexuals:
I am just asexual myself, meaning I have no sexual attraction to others ever. I also only ever participate in sensual things for emotional connection reasons. This list pertains to this POV, as I am more experienced with that type of asexuality and treatment of sensuality in this context.
*Asexual characters suddenly having sexual attraction: In and out of the sheets, a character is still asexual. It is not a flip we switch to participate in these things, and sex does not "fix" our asexual state (we aren't broken to begin with). It doesn't mean we don't find our partners gorgeous though, it is important to separate aesthetic attraction from sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction also does not go away during sexual activities.
Asexuals having no experience just because they are asexual: It will depend on their previous interest in the subject/opportunities in that department. Totally fine to make an unexperienced asexual character, just don't assume them being asexual means they have no experience.
Asexuals being apathic to sensual stimulation: We still have physical bodies that can feel pleasure. We still find sexual thoughts and scenarios stimulating. Us not being sexually attracted to the individuals involved does not mean sensual things stop being sensual. And yes, when someone we care about does any of these things, it is definitely stimulating.
Asexuals can't be "freaky": Asexual individuals with drives can have kinks just like everyone else. We too have sexual preferences and things we're really into, and they're not always "vanilla".
Notes: Let me put aesthetic attraction this way. You don't want to screw a painting because it's pretty. But, if you're feeling a certain way, you might imagine/bring that painting into that context. The painting still isn't sexual, but it can still be fun getting intimate with something that is pretty or that potentially has emotional value to you. (Don't take this too literarily).
Here are some general stereotypes I'd like to see less of:
They're so cute and innocent: Asexuals know what sex is. Again, some may not be well versed in it while others are very well versed. Even if they aren't well versed in it, that doesn't mean they have a "cute" and "innocent" personality. Asexuals are not children (unless the character literally is a child lol).
Prude to the max: Some may be uncomfortable with the topic of sex, but that doesn't mean they are just being "overly sensitive" nor does that mean they are rude about it. There are also plenty of asexuals that are very vulgar, some for humorous reasons and others due to simply being comfortable with the topic.
The cold/heartless asexual: I wrote a post about this once, but I'll repeat my point. Assuming the only reason someone can't feel sexual attraction is because they're "closed off" not only paints a lack of sexual attraction in a negative/unhealthy light but treats asexuality as a choice only "mean" people make. Totally okay to have a cold asexual character but, as I keep repeating, separate motives from sexuality, they are not the same thing.
They're just repressed: Asexuality is not "repression". Asexual individuals can be repressed in some ways just like everyone, but it's important to walk the line between repression versus lack of attraction and/or disinterest. They're not the same thing.
Remember, sexualities do not come with set personalities.
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How to trust your body (Saga Briggs, Psyche, Nov 23 2022)
âFour years ago, while recovering from an alcohol dependence, I heard the following words from a psychologist: âYour problem isnât anxiety. Itâs trusting yourself.âÂ
At the time, I interpreted that phrase â âtrusting yourselfâ â philosophically: trusting yourself to get the job done, come to the right decision, make your friends laugh, defend a viewpoint, let the neighbourâs wily dog off its leash without a major disaster.Â
Today, after learning more about self-regulation than I thought possible, I no longer see it that way.Â
Trusting myself is, first and foremost, a visceral experience, less like adopting a new set of beliefs and more like a trust fall into the inner landscape of my heart, lungs, abdomen and gut.Â
Each moment, interaction, relationship becomes a unique experience informed and guided by how my body receives it, not by the grand unifying way Iâve figured out how to live.Â
What my psychologist really meant, whether either of us knew it or not, was: you donât trust your body.Â
Most of us are familiar with what it means to âgo with your gutâ or âfollow your instinctsâ.Â
And many of us have ignored red flags or nagging sensations from time to time, leading to consequences we later regret.Â
Trusting your body includes these ideas but it also means more than that.Â
When it comes to decision-making and health, people differ in how much importance they place on bodily sensations â from hunger and fatigue to anger and joy.Â
Some of us might dismiss or suppress sensations, talk ourselves out of a strong feeling (or let others talk us out of it), or simply place more importance on logic and rationality than on feeling.Â
People also differ in how well they can sense these signals, which affects their ability to make use of them.Â
For example, people with alexithymia, a condition marked by difficulty identifying and articulating feelings, often donât know theyâre hungry until theyâre in pain, or that theyâre angry until they feel their pulse.Â
On the other end of the spectrum are those people who arguably feel too much, leading them to become easily overwhelmed by â and therefore distrustful of â their bodily signals.Â
Body trust is not just a folk concept â itâs also a scientific construct.Â
Itâs used to measure âinteroceptionâ, which is the process of sensing the body from within.Â
Poor interoception is associated with a wide range of mental disorders, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, depression and anxiety.Â
Alongside questions about body trust, researchers measure peopleâs interoception by tapping seven further features, from ânoticingâ to âattention regulationâ to âbody listeningâ.Â
Of these features, âlow body trustâ has emerged as particularly relevant to mental health.Â
People who suffer from suicide ideation, eating disorders, loneliness, and depression often report feeling âunsafeâ or ânot at homeâ in their bodies, in addition to mistrusting their bodily signals.Â
The reason for this connection isnât yet clear, but one might speculate that if these people did feel safe enough to trust their bodily signals, doing so might lead to adaptive behaviour change and symptom reduction.Â
Whatever the explanation, these findings suggest that body trust is crucial for wellbeing.â
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Gluttonous LoveâĄlust 6
Niki being Niki.
Previous || CH 6 || Next
â´.
"...(âઌâ)" You look at Niki for a moment who seems to be a deep thoughts while he take a bite of his meal.
" You won't question why I'm asleep for almost the whole day?" You always wonder why Niki don't question you, or your odd habbit.
" Hmm? I don't think I should prey into your affairs." He already know why to begin with. He wonder what made you start such topic.
" Your not curious?" You pout. You wonder if Niki is being a dummy or your being a dummy of putting your self in a risk if you suddenly expose yourself. But living with him under a year made you felt bad for not telling him anything.
"Don't you know curiosity kills the cat, master?" He stared at you (color) eyes. "But if you want, you could always tells me."
"... I..." You gaze at Niki beautiful blue eyes, having a long eye contact. "You won't hate me?" Your voice almost sound mick.
" Why would I hate my master?"
" What if... What if... I'm not human...(âઌâ; )" you nervously look at your hands in your lap, fidgeting and afraid what's his reaction is.
" Hmm? My master is not human~? Ahaha~" Niki chuckle as he realize it seems that you wanna confess your identity to him.
maybe if he don't snoop around in your defenseless form when sleeping, he will know the truth from you with you willing tell him. After all his master often the type that would feel guilty about something through their himedere/oresama facade.
"That's fine. I don't mind if your not human. After all. I'm not human either~" he stared into your eyes, when you finally look up to him with a nervous face. He watch as your face brighten when you heard his reply but still nervous about something.
"...(âઌâ; ) w-will... That's good.. ahaha... B-but what if ... Hypnotically speaking ok? You find out i-im not send by that f-friend of yours... Ahmmm....." You were in verge of tearing up. Shaking like a hopeless prey that cannot stop their death, to be cooked.
"N-niki...??? A-are you mad...??(âઌâ;; )". You saw how his eyes being scary, his eyeing you as if his gonna eat you alive, sound kinky but he probably mean literally. You can't help but felt chill.
"Are you... Are you... Gonna hate mmmmeee....?*hic..." Tears start to fall from your eyes as you realize he probably will hate you. No, his gonna hate you and eats you.
NIKI STOP IT!
he snap his own thoughts by his own nails digging into his tight, the pain snap him out of his deranged thoughts And the sight of you looking at him oddly.
It was so weird to be stared like a beast by you... Why would you look at him like that? No. Your looking at him in worry of something else...! You won't look at him like his sort of a monster right...?
" Ah? Sorry about t-that...ahaha..." Niki give a apologetic smile. His aura of a predator slip away as he close his eyes. "Please don't cry." He stood up from his seat as you start to sob and rock yourself in your chair. Like a little kid.
"Shhh... I won't hate you.." he softly wipes your tears away. "Please don't cry. It's ok." He cooed as he carried you in his arms and start to hummed a tone as he tried to calm you down but you continue to weep while leeching onto him.
"Huhu. You will! I'm a bad and a liar! Im bad!" Maybe the fact you haven't feed well enough for a lust demon, made you experience emotional moment like, a sign that you becoming far too weak. Maybe you'll be awake less than you did yesterday.
"Shh... It's ok, it's really ok." Niki felt hopeless as he cannot stop your tears drenching him. He felt bad, yet he don't quite understand your acting right now.
"..." You suddenly pause. You stopped crying or shaking.
"MC?" He was worried what's up with you now. He felt hungry when he realize the situation is very complicated and the fact your very close to him with the alluring delicious scent of yours made him even more in a dare situation but his use to control his hunger to some extreme intent.
"...here have an arm." You suddenly said, you thought about it. Niki probably too nice to you, maybe his just saying that cause your a pitiful demon his taking care off. You remember his a gluttony, your a lust demon. You probably taste delicious. Literally.
"Huh? " Now he doesn't understand whats going on your mind now, as you pout while shove your arm into his mouth. "Hey-hmm..." "He can't even say anything when your being pushy at it again.
"I won't die. A bite won't hurt... I t-think.(ăŁËĚŠââŽËĚŠ)㣠so here have a bite. Master is a bad master..." You really want to repay Niki and apologize to Niki.
"Master is willing to feed my servant with my delicious flesh." You actually not sure if it's going to hurt bad or not but for sure. You'll heal right away.
"..." His blue eyes stared directly in your eyes, scanning your emotions and looking deep into your soul. Trying to see what's wrong with your head right now. But as your soft and aromatic flesh is right beside his mouth.
He can't help but gulp. His eyes suddenly darken as he look at your eyes for one last time which you nodded tearfully, more so fearing it would hurt than his taking a meat off you.
"What if... I get addicted to it?" He mumble as he slowly open his mouth his to tongue want to lick yet he stopped himself, wanting to take a bite yet he don't, he continue to have an eye contact with you, daring you to blink so he would stop this stupid charades you did out of being emotional.
"I-i... I don't think I'll die... I mean... Lust demon won't die being eaten... That's just being another category of p-preference..." You gulp as you felt your throat dry up by how seggsy his starring at you.
"..." You push your hand to his mouth more. Pouting why his not eating yet. " Servant you don't think I'm delicious enough to eat? (・â˘Ě3â˘Ě・)?" You pout, not knowing what to offer Niki for being too nice to you.
His so nice to you. Offering a bite or two is something you can offer as you don't get a job either for the pass year. You lived a free loader who only know how to sleep, watch cartoon, wat and hug Niki before sleeping again.
"Ahaha~dont worry, master smell really nice~" he shook his head at your words. He chuckle a bit as he give you a soft smile. "Do you know...I use to have people come and go in my life. I have bad tendency. Even if I get close to a human, it would just me a spider and web of lies to eat my prey." Niki put down your hand as he wipe the remaining tears in your face and fix your messy face from crying too much.
"I was worried for a moment you know? When you come into my house. I usually won't try to eat unwilling victims because they have much life to give... The fact I thought Rinne is behind your appearance made me stop the urges as you probably come into my life because of order of the higher up, I cannot disobey the higher up or I'll be hungry without them paying me..." He was an underdog to people who offer him money to buy food or the chance to get a meal without his conscious and guilt getting the best out of him if he take a random victim.
He look at you who he been taking care and feeding since last year. He don't have enough for one but seeing you happily eat his meal makes him happy, someone who enjoyed his cooking.
His company. You won't look at him like his an outcast. Oh his precious master... ~ wouldn't do that right ?
Maybe they'd why he don't continue eliminating you out of his life when he knows your secret months ago. He grown attach to you.
No... it's not maybe. It is the reason. His precious master... So hopeless and delicious...
"But I wanted to eat you... After all, Your so delicious, your scent is driving me mad....~" he circle his arms around your waist, his head leaning and resting on your right shoulder blade his right hand reach up to your shoulder blade to trace his nails in a straight line.
"Awwwhmm...."You felt something sharp against your fresh and whimper in pain as his nails pierce through your flesh
"You taste very Divine..."he give a soft kiss as he lick the blood from the wound he made. He can't help but sigh in relief as he felt his hunger being erase but...
"MC..." He felt strange but he expected such effect. He don't know your that too clueless what you wanted to offer him, the consequences of you, offer of your flesh as a Lust demon to a gluttony.
"Should I feed you properly too?" His blue eyes that slowly enveloped by lust. A soft smile on his face as he look at his pitiful master who unable to feed properly for along time.
Oh master of mine... What would you do without me~?
"Hmm?" You hummed not able to see his gaze as he tilt your head upright and slowly lean in to give you a passionate kiss...
#Gluttonous LoveâĄlust#ensemble stars#ensemble stars x reader#enstar x reader#Shiina niki#Shiina Niki x reader#Niki Shiina#Niki shiina x reader
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