#so i have to do well otherwise im fucked
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tomorrow is the day ive been stressing bout so hard oh god wish me luck
#i know i should pass#but i dont want to just pass i want to knock it outa the park#i wanna homerun this test and prove to myself im at this level#so that i cant actually start working towards the upper levels with confidence#and if i do well enough i wanna aim for the December test too at n2#cause that's what i should be aiming for not this bar#i know i shouldn't be aiming for n3 rn i know i need to be aiming higher#and i pretty much wasted a year not studying#like an idiot#so i have to do well otherwise im fucked#anyways yea stress#gonna rewatch the frontier films and try and destress this evening#more studying at this point wont help
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god almighty (non-religious), i wish i wasn't low empathy. it sucks so much when a friend is not okay but you can't find the right script for how to handle that right now and you can't make yourself care as much as you feel you should. maybe if i was less tired and generally depressed myself, or if there was an active problem that could be solved, then i could actually figure out what to say. i can listen to venting fine, but i'm not about to promp it or anything because i don't really know if it's prying or prompting sometimes.
like, darling, i don't mean to just not answer you but you're clearly in a bad mood and not lending yourself to a normal conversation structure because of it, and i don't know what to say so i'm not saying a damn thing. sorry you aren't doing well, i wish you were and stuff, but i also don't naturally have the pieces that make me able to respond to that shit so i've elected to simply not.
#npd#actually npd#autism#actually autistic#low empathy#hes done a shitty job at responding to me objectively not doing well too#so im not sweating being a shitty friend#i wish i could do better but he should understand not knowing how to respond#otherwise hes a hypocrite#because hes watched me cry and have a panic attack at work and literally say “if i cant step away soon i will fucking walk out” thru tears#and his response was “lol alright” and not taking my spot or anything to get me a smoke break#when i was specifically telling him that i needed to step away for a minute#so his responses arent top notch or anything either#itd be cool if i had the energy to figure out a proper response#i want to be a good friend#id do anything for him if directly asked but im bad at guessing at how to help/care about people unfortunately#so theres that
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[PUT INTO PLACE, TIED DOWN AND ARRANGED, AND IS NEVER THE SAME, AGAIN.]<-listen to my favorite songs. VAMPIRES ARE WONDERFUL ARENT THEY. THE FLESH IS SO MUCH MORE DURABLE. SO MUCH STRETCHIER THAN HUMANS. THE STRESS DOESNT KILL A VAMPIRE THE SAME WAY IT DOES A HUMAN. YOU CAN TAKE THEM APART THREAD BY THREAD AND LEAVE THEM WIDE AWAKE WITHOUT WORRY OF THE BRAINMATTER SPOILING UNDER VINEGARY AGONY.
#cw gore#WEEEE WHIPPING OUT ALL MY BELOVED PIXEL HORROR GAME SOUNDTRACKS FOR THIS ONE#STILL A WIP#SORTA. FORKSFORKSFORKS INSPIRED ME TO START WORKIN AT IT AGAIN. AND NOW IT LIVES. IT LIIIVEESS!!!#MOSLT.Y ATLEAST. I MIGHT MESS W IT MORE LATER. WE SHALL SEE. ANYWAY GABRIEL MONTEZ HUH. WOW POOR GUY#THERES A FASCINATING FEELING THAT COMES WITH BEING ON A OPERATING TABLE.AND BEING IN IMMENSE PAIN#ONE OF MY FONDEST MEMORIES IS LAYING ON A DENTIST CHAIR. SHAKING AND INVOLUNTARILY CRYING AFTER MANY MANY#NEEDLES TO MY THE MOUTH. I METABOLIZE THE NUMBING STUFF QUICKLY APPARENTLY. THEY NEEDED ALOT OF NUMBING SHOTS#BUT I WASNT AFRAID OR DISTRESSED. THE DENTIST WAS VERYVERY NICE AND ALSO UH. PRETTY. BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT#THE POINT IS. THAT IT WAS FASCINATING TO REALIZE MY PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO PAIN UNDER A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT#I DIDNT KNOW HOW EASY IT WAS TO SHAKE AND TO CRY PRYVIOUS TO THAT EXPERIENCE.MY DENTAL ADVENTURES CONTINUE#THEY CONTINUE TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE FOR PAIN TO BOIL AWAY THE TIME. TO DISTORT THE PASSING HOURS AND CONSUME EVERY THOUGHT#DO YOU REMEMBER PAIN? THE MOST SEVERE PAIN IN YOUR LIFE? NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE RED LIGHTS? RED LIGHTS AND SHIFTING FIGURES#NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE PAIN UNRELENTING.PAIN WORLD SHATTERING.PAIN IMMORTAL.CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING PULLED APART#THE HUMAN MIND CAN ONLY WITHSTAND SO MUCH PAIN BEFORE IT SHUTS DOWN AND HIDES.IT NEEDS TO PROTECT ITSELF AFTERALL. PAIN CAN ALTER#PAIN SHIFTS THE CHEMISTY OF THE MIND OF THE FLESH OF THE SOUL. FOR HUMANS ATLEAST. BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER HUMAN#YOU CHOSE OTHERWISE DIDNT YOU BOY.BECAUSE YOU WANTED MORE.STATUS.POWER.APPROVAL.SECURITY.SAFET.Y.#OHHH YOU CAN WITHSTAND THE PAIN FOR THAT. FOR ALL THAT. YOU WERENT TOLD THERE WOULD BE PAIN BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE PROMISED.#ITS ALL WORTH IT IN THE END. NOW LETS JUST HOPE SOME BLONDE TWERP DOESNT PROVE TO BE STRONGER THAN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE#LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. I LOST MY TRAIN O THOUGHT#anyway dawww poorr gabeee that shit probably huuurrrrtttss but so much time has passed that your body got tired of screaming and squirming#why havnt you passed out yet? maybe you might as well have at this point. like sleeping with your eyes open and your nerves awake#OH HEY FUNFACT ABT THE ART. I FOUGHT W IT ALOT. TOOK A LONG WHILE FOR ME TO BE REMOTELY HAPPY W THIS.#i was thinking abt pixel horror video games when i made it.just as i do with all great things ofc ofc#i love you pixel horror game i love yooouuuuu.i struggled so much w the colors for so LONNGG UHGHGHGH but im finally happy...im finally fre
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fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#sure whatever. tagging ship is probably easier than explaining what the fucks up with these two in my head#hi. I watched sk8 with my friend cosme a while ago. I actually dont care about the allegations that much I just got#blasted with teenage years flashback. and now I need reki to have everything on earth and be well#these have been around for like a week lol Ive just been debating posting them to tumblr. bc like. Im not finishing these lol#hesitant to call sk8 ''therapeutic'' but boy oh boy. does it make me confront some stuff. yes a sport anime leave me alone!!!#its just. I think I was this way about raz too actually. listen I have History with Stuff. I'm allowed ok? I'm totally allowed#u can See it in some of these doodles actually. this fuckign anime got me so unwell#hey. if ur a fellow adhd potentials-havers out there. ur a real one. thanks for still hangin out doin what u love/ur best#if u were an 'if u wanna do art u have to be excellent and high-art at it otherwise it means nothing' kid. I am holding ur hand#I'll be normal now I prommy (lying)#well. what I'll be doing now is taking a nap. maybe. gods my schedule backslid like four hours again#eh whatever. I go to bed anyway. got my portion of the day done and tomorrow I go buy new knife#hope someone come give me a new table top and lower the whole thing a bit soon. so I can stop sitting like Im in a shopping cart#have a good night lads. have fun. its imperative
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with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;
a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.
linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.
#phantom hourglass#linebeck#loz#legend of zelda#salty talks#imo the action vs inaction thing feels esp interesting to me when looking at oshus specifically. he and his world are in grave danger#and he knows it and he actively does nothing and even seems reluctant to let ciela and link go ahead and do something.#of course he comes around on it but it's very interesting. has he given up at that point? thats what it suggests to me#that hes like. joined the people of mercay in just lying down and waiting for other people to fix their problems or just. not do anything#otherwise on mercay you have that old guy in the bar who spends the whole game not leaving bc he doesnt want to face his wife#and she never goes to the bar to actually look for him and just talks about it if anything#the guy with the blue tunic talks a lot about linebeck and his ship and almost gives the impression that he really wants to talk to him#but yknow. doesnt. theres the women that tells you about docks being shut down and how linebeck is the only person who's showed up#the woman you see at the broken bridge who's just like oh well! time to wait til someone fixes it.#even the guy fixing the bridge iirc is like well fuck i gotta do it or else oshus is going to bitch at me abt it#everyone seems reluctant to act which makes for an interesting way in how our main crew stands out#it is less so oh theyve been chosen specifically for this its moreso they're the ones who are fucking doing something about this#for their own various reasons some of which are more selfish but theyre still doing something#will likely have more stuff to say when im done but ofc we have other characters in the game who have to do with this#anyways. linebeck is so animated all of the fucking time it's great i dont think theres any other character that moves as much as him#when he's just standing around to talking to link it's great. he's so ready to get going.#it works with him being an anxious mess and also with like. oh he's probably understimulated. you know he's got a nasty case of wanderlust#i can put it with the idea that he's understimulated and afraid to stim in public so he's just constantly moving#he probably drums his fingers on tables bounces his leg when sitting paces around switches the way he sits or lays down often#tbh this kinda fits in with him being one of the main characters who takes action moreso than a lot of other characters#his arc culminates in him taking action he's going after the ghost ship he's moving around the world the only issue is that one of the#actions he takes is running away from his problems literally n metaphorically (tho idk if facing the jolene problem is a good idea for him)
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some real honk shoo shit
#gorillaz#2doc#im gonna admit this was made purely out of spite. coz yall cant calm the fuck down about 2doc. i understand if u have trauma#but otherwise its not a big fucking deal and youre overthinking it. and im tired of you harrassing people for liking a ship like youre#12 damn years old#tired of pretentious bastards acting like they know everything so this is dedicated to you <3#ive tried to steer away from this topic for fear of harassment but i get harassed every day either way so i might as well do whatever.#gorillaz fanart#2 d gorillaz#2d gorillaz#stuart pot#murdoc niccals#murdoc gorillaz#studoc#snoobgoobles
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saw someone criticize carrie sex and the city because she cared more when big was in the hospital because she cried than she did when samantha got cancer. which is crazy because they tell you in the episode that carrie is going into a crazy ass state of denial because she is so so scared samantha could die and this is kinda almost ruining her relationship... you guys just hate to see a real one lose their marbles day in and day out
#real sex and the city understanders know that if samantha had died carrie wouldve killed herself kinda#if big had died well she wouldve just fucked aidan again. say what you will about and just like that but it proves me right#back at work so you know im going to be posting just whatever. what do i have to do for 8 and a half hours otherwise..#thing
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*grits teeth*
i do not want to discourse here or anywhere anymore but it does kind of affect me as a transmasc bi person when i see shit that indirectly misgenders me and implies that bisexuality is an icky no good word and identity and you have to be bi and gay and bi and lesbian and bi and straight at the same time or support them or you're an evil stinky stinky terf like... hello where am, i
#it makes me feel othered by an otherwise inclusive community bc how dare i think that men aren't involved in lesbianism#or how dare i think that bisexuality is a whole and valid sexuality#or how dare i think that any and all nonbinary genders are included in every single sexuality by default#or that trans women are women so no fuckin g duh theyre included in lesbianism and if your knee jerk reaction to seeing:#men cannot be lesbians is to think of trans women then you are the transphobe here#or how i dare think that trans man and transmasc aren't the exact same thing#that genderqueerdyke person is also a transadrophobia geek and theyre buddies with genderkoolaid#which like. do i HAVE to say it?#IF U IGNORE THE TRANSMISOGYNY (WHICH U SHOUDLNT) THEYRE ALSO A ZIONIST HELLOW?? WHATS NOT CLICKING WHATS NOT CLICKING#OK IM KINDA MAD ABT THAT LIKE... SORRY BUT HOW ABOUT WE DONT PLATFORM IDIOTS NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEIR RHETORIC MIGHT SOUND#BC U WANT TO BE TOTALLY INCLUSIVE AND NOT GATEKEEPY#ive BEEN around the fucking block ive BEEN on tumblr when the resident terfs here coined bi lesbian#if you scrolled back far enough in certain keywords you wouldve seen that shit in the early 2010s being discussed in their circles#to mean lesbians who are attracted to trans women#you cannot reclaim that or recoin it#yes ive done the research too#i looked at every single piece of evidence of that label existing in the past 50~ years#its just bisexual women back when lesbian spaces also included them#plus like may i also fucking ssay that bisexual also used to mean being of two sexes (transsexual/gender and/or intersex?)#this close to fully believing that the pushback against bisexual being it's own whole and valid sexuality is some kind of psy op#i sound schizophrenic well Maybe I Am#i feel like im going to end up deleting this post bc i dont want to argue with people who disagree with me because there is no getting#through to any of you#tbd.
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need someone still up to date with mcyt/dream in general to tell me what to think
#i watched the whole vidoe & i still dont care#i just need like a 'heres what was good heres what was bad heres extra context' plot summary.#bc my takeaway having not cared for three years is 'oh its all normal bullshit twitter cancel culture' but im aware that i do not care.#and that he is definitely hyping himself up to be more innocent than he might be ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i did think him. constantly talking about how well he handled situations. and how he supported victims. wss fuckin wrird#but otherwise im just so apathetic to everything. like whats real. whats fake. what does this video change.#i need the biased 'immersed in the drama' takes to balance out my one viewing of dreams essays or whatever the fuck#dreamwastaken#mcyt#m
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this is fucking pathetic i see ONE instagram post and i spiral and when i ask my mother for validation and idk, COMFORT?! she's just telling me that i can practice over the summer and improve and thats WAY more than what ill need to do and just reinforcing the idea that im not good enough AS IT IS and its not realistic to be a fucking tryhard over the summer for something i will NEVER succeed at and im crying and snapping at everyone and my sister heard one snappy word and started yelling at me too and like cut me some fucking slack im never gonna be able to complain about this outside my home bc if i did complain it would be fucking selfish (and ACTUALLY selfish im not lying) and if i dont get in again i KNOW that its gonna fucking break me and i feel like a worthless idiot and im not good enough for this thing and im never gonna get in so whats even the point of trying again when itll just destroy me
#i have to fucking work now but im a mess#a selfish and stupid mess#i want things but i dont even TRY hard enough#i just needed to talk slower last time but next year there will be a whole batch of younger smarter people trying out for so few spots#and no matter how well i practice and revise#im not getting in#and i need to fucking get up and study and work so that i can get good grades and complete the bare minimum that my mom has taught herself#to be happy with but im just fucking pathetic and what am i even doing at this school im not fucking succeeding at anything#and i dont wanna hear about how im successful or whatever because ITS NOT ENOUGH#im just a tryhard#and I possess no actual talents or skills#im sick of people trying to tell me otherwise#im just NOT good enough and i have to come to terms with that and be fucking better#if youre a moot reading this im sorry i know this is very attention seeking and pathetic but i really dont wanna talk about it#sorry#blippity blap
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Wow just fucking wow
I sent in a medical records request in october? To get life insurance through work (why not right?) And my stupid dr never sent them in.
WHY DID I JUST NOW GET A TEXT FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY THAT THEY JUST RECEIVED MY RECORD?!?!?!??!?!
Fucking unbelievable
#marquilla#they give you like 60 days to get the records. this fucker took like double that. what the fuck.#he's such an incompetent dr as in his office is just so poorly structured that if you do not have them send something in#RIGHT THEN when youre there watching its a fucking toss up if it gets in#and i just never contacted them bc i felt it wasnt MY FUCKING JOB to make sure they got the request that I SENT THEM#and i said well if they get it and i get approved it was meant to be otherwise ill try again some other time.#honestly i only still go to him bc he gave me a disability parking card with no problems like i expected#he was like yeah sure ambulatory cane user yeah you have fibro and cfs mhm got it 👍👍#where i thought he'd be like weeeell do you REALLY need it? i mean you work without it... (bc i only do 4 hrs and can pace it)#but like god help you if you want a new rx for an inhaler for your well documented asthma 🙄 had to ask my allergist the next time i saw him#like a year later and he was like... what have you been doing without one??? like bumming off mom sgdgdggdgdd and drinking warm water while#breathing very measured breaths like the school nurse made me like sgdggdgd im fine i just want to have a new script so i have refills and#fresh inhalers if i fucking need one but apparently my dr didnt think i did 🙄 my allergist actually called in two shgdgdgd#he was like get this bitch TWO inhalers and an epipen NOW
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job searching, despite the tons of applications I've put in and the stupid fancy new resume i made, has been going very badly My mental health has just been absolute garbage type bad, which is why I've been stuck in this slump of not doing anything other than suffering... I'm working on getting my medications sorted out, which is helping me with this problem, but it's taking time and I'm dealing with my insurance denying everything (bcs I'm also in the process of getting approved for a hysterectomy AND a dermatologist and insurance doesn't like that) and getting a new psychiatrist I'm always still gratefully accepting any tips/donations to help me out while I don't have a job :') Here's my Ko-Fi 💖 Art in return will be back as soon as I'm finished with my queue once I'm able to manage things (when I say my mh has been bad... I mean like bad bad. the kind of bad you dont talk about online usually) Today after buying some food and body wash I have $11.86 in my bank, and blood work coming up Friday the 28th, as well as a few bills that autopay at the beginning of each month and will overdraft my bank ($58 for one and $66 for another, $124 total) I've actually also been trying to look into getting help with SSI because I was fired due to mental disability, but that hasn't been going well either. I'm still trying to get legal help on my behalf 🫡 will update on that too if anything changes...
I'm feeling really awful about all of this. It weighs on me very heavily and makes trying to get out of this depression worse, and I've been putting this off for a while because of how embarrassed I am. But I'm struggling a whole lot and ignoring it is just making it worse :') I really appreciate any shares and help 💖 My gratitude to my amazing community is immeasurable 💖🥹
#i do actually have this group interview thing next Tuesday the 1st of aug.#so hopefully that goes well...#otherwise im still just stuck in this fucked up depression. trying to do what i can#my mh has been so bad. ive been having horrible manic episodes and multiple serious times of considering kms#shit has just. not been good#im sorry to just show up and make a stupid little post here#im doing my best 🫡 mybest is just pitiful right now#ko-fi#sunflower commissions#sunflower's art#any typos pls ignore my brain isnt working good 👍👍
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i hate the medical system <3
#sooooooo tired of old men talking to me like a child#i have two fucking degrees my guy. and one of them is pure mathematics.#dont explain things like im four and then go 'mmm i dont believe you' when i answer honestly.#i promise you. none of whatever the fuck youre doing. has anything to do with my sudden onset nerve pain. i promise.#its also exceptionally cool to be like 'hey have you broken your nose its like really crooked'#and also#'did you hit your head as a kid' because despite the several xrays. and doctors. and chiropractors ive had over the years.#apparently ive got a thick skull (bahduhmtss)#and when i say no i havent had any traumatic injuries like that. hes like mm well sometimes you just need time to remember#bestie i am twenty three years old. that is not a lot of years to recall. ive never had a concussion (or even close to) or motor accident.#i promise you if it happened @ birth it doesnt suddenly just present as nerve pain with absolutely no goddamn trigger. illness or otherwise#im sooo tired of the fighting. so tired of explaining the story over & over & over again. so tired of forms & questions & no fucking answers#c.text#illness tw#medical tw
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what exactly is one supposed to do about accepting things you can't control when the thing you can't control is a person who is actively fucking over many people, including children?
#especially children#like itd not be an issue if the children were not involved. the person would be persona non grata#but the children exist and are involved and we have no legal recourse apparently. so what the fuck. what the fuck#i want to leave. i cant leave. i want to leave#i think id want to leave anyway without this person just bc im sick of this place#but this person makes things 10x worse#the children give me pause bc i do love them but also. maybe this makes me sound shitty. theyre not my repsonsibility#maybe if i can get my own life set up and get stable on my own id try to get the children away from this person#but rn it's not happening#sometimes i think this person had kids to babytrap us into not booting them#honestly i think the law should allow for one free punch#i dont think violence is nec3ssarily the answer for...most things#but some people ....some people need a#need to be socked in the fucking jaw and face tangible consequences for their actions#bc they dont face any consequences otherwise#or at least dont recognize any other consequences as being the direct result of their own selfish dickhead actions#alas. the law is the law#and everything here feels so precarious as it is#it sucks though that 'wanting to control someone else's actions' in this case is i want this person to treat other people fucking decently#and be respectful of their time and the fact that they have their own lives#i get being a parent is hard but to force other people to pick up your slack without any input from them#thereby controlling their lives and fucking them over#and thats just straight up shit behavior. the hardships of parenthood do not justify that#and you barely parent. screaming at kids for being kids is not parenting#and literally nobody made you bring these poor kids into the world. this was 100% your choice#and sure prochoice but honestly people who can choose otherwise having kids when they have to know full well#that they neither have the capacity nor actual desire to actually attempt to parent#they deserve a slap. fuck it. i dont have it in me for compassion#and i have a lot more to say actually that wont fit in the tags. whoops#to the void with love
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sorry for googling "is shadow of the erdtree hard" do u still think im cool....
#jk if u know me u know difficulty doesnt faze me i hope its a rl fuckin challenge#but just realised i prolly shouldnt start my ng+/2+ runs for all ending achievements until after ive played sote..#bc otherwise my first sote run will be on a ramped up difficulty. when the base dlc is supposed to be harder than the main game already..#and i might wanna complete it across multiple new games anyway if there are duplicates of stuff i wanna get hmm.....#well. in my current elden ring save i literally only have 5 more altered armor pieces to farm before starting ng+#so ill finish that. and finish upgrading all weapons to +24/+9. and then take a tolerance break to play a few other games#and THEN ill buy myself sote and play that and do the ng+ stuff after#also one of the main things delaying me getting sote was bc i thought theyd add new achievements for it which would lower my completion%#but they haven't??? so thats fine then#anyway i need to sleep. at least playing er has been helping me cope w how pissed off ive been again. we <3 violence#yaaaawn. sad i couldnt go to the gym tho i hope i feel better in a couple days time#i did go to work in the end which was fine lol. glad i didnt take the day off tbh#but yeah 👍#.diaries#also not being able to get any sote stuff yet is annoying me bc im using a spreadsheet to keep track of all weapons/armour etc#and i have virtually everything except a couple armour alt variants n the remembrances i didnt get first time. but my total percentages#are capped around 75-80% bc the remaining 20-25% of items are sote exclusive.....#thats an insane amt tho damn. sote must be fucking HUGE
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#i just wish someone would look at me and Know that im not doing well fjfkdl#struggling so hard to stop myself from taking self destructive action against myself bc boy howdy i just want to fuck myself up#and then maybe someone would look at me and go ''hey u dont look like ur doing so well - do u need anything?''#but thats never worked in the past and theres that whole thing of ''if u want help u need to ask for it''#unfortunately. asking doesnt seem to work very often. i seem to have to Show people somehow that im not okay. like prove it to them#both medical ppl and my family fjfkdl#so here i am again trying to stop myself from [redacted] bc I shouldnt have to prove to anyone that im not okay#honest to god idk who to even talk to about anything. like the workers at the centre are not counselors/therapists#and i dont have another counseling appt for three ish weeks so uhhh#but im kind of like... i need smth idk. i feel like im on the verge of some kind of really bad breakdown#i cannot keep going on the way i currently am - that much is clear.#but idk what can change really. other than getting the girl to give me space fjfkdl#but the bugs and the abuse and the exhaustion and the food will all continue to exist just the same#nothing can be done about any of that! RIP!#i think honestly i just want a good long hug fjdkdl im just so scared and tired fjfkdl and tired of being scared tbqh#oh well !!! i cannot want for what i cannot have! wants don't exist unless i can fulfill it myself easily! otherwise theyre not allowed!!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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