#so i can really process it as a point of discussion without more indication from you

[waywardsalt]

When Tetra was petrified, she remained somewhat concious and could vaguely hear her surroundings, but, obviously, couldn't communicate back. Now, being a descendant of the royal bloodline and/or having a Triforce-induced superpowers, she'd usually be able to contact Link telepathically, but, after being turned to stone, Tetra's call is too quiet, and Link can't hear it, because he has his own innate and pretty potent wind magic, drowning any weak external signals, not to mention Ciela and her siblings adding their magic into the mix.

There is someone else who can hear her in that state, though, and that's Linebeck. He doesn't wield any magic (or nothing significant, at least), so he doesn't drown her out. Whenever Link and Ciela/other spirits leave his ship to go dungeon-crawling or stuff, if the engine's turned off, only then can Linebeck hear Tetra calling out. At first, he's naturally freaked out and thinks Link brougt a ghost from the Ghost Ship, but later they figure everything out and manage to communicate with Tetra and relay what she had to say to Link.

(Also, for a first couple of days Linebeck referred to Tetra as a "figuredeck", until realizing that the subject is too sensitive for Link).

That's a cool idea! Giving Tetra a sort of role, a new role for Linebeck, and some new group dynamic stuff, that's a neat concept.

[geovanag]

🪐 Astrology Observations 5 🪐

Capricorn Moon signs start to look more attractive to other people when they reach middle age (after 40).

You may know that the Moon is at its lowest position in Capricorn. So how did I make such an observation despite this position? By middle age, many turning points in a person's life are completed. The moon is one of them. Now the mature (Capricorn) emotions (moon) begin to show themselves.

Then these people, who maximize their emotional maturity, improve the problems in their relationships with their mothers and sometimes succeed in camouflaging their feelings and sometimes in sharing their feelings with people they feel close to.

(This was the position I observed in men).

~

I think the Sun Ascendant square aspect is really challenging for a man. He has a problem with the authority figure, the father from an early age. It may not be completely confrontational (unless Mars, saturn, uranus and pluto are in hard influence)

Being in the same environment together can make them feel like they are being restricted. Maybe they feel that something is wrong. But is it really what they think it is? Yes. With the other person, (the Sun) it is very difficult for them to forget everything and get back together with them. (Orb should be maximum 6)

~

Although they say that Juno is only a marriage indicator and other asteroids can show ceremonies like weddings, I don't go into that much detail. I think even Juno can show the wedding process. For example; I had a friend with Juno in Virgo. Maybe she didn't scrutinize the person she was going to marry down to the most meticulous detail, but the wedding process was exactly like that. She had prepared details down to what the guests would wear. Ugh I think it is very tiring, even though I have Virgo juno, lol

Juno in Virgo may have met the man she will marry at work.

~

Chiron - Moon square aspect, this aspect allows you to feel the healing and wounded spirit of Chiron deep down. Let's not discuss whether it's good or bad, but it's certainly very palpable. Your emotions are shaped by "compassion". For example, you see a homeless man and a little child a little further away. You feel infinite compassion for these two people and a desire to give them a home. You take into account the situation and circumstances and just think that they are in need of help. Independently of this, I find it interesting that people with this aspect do not get enough support from the women around them. Maybe this is how the "lacking" aspect of chiron works. I would like to write a more detailed article about Chiron.

~

Having a Venus-Neptune-Jupiter T-square. The signs and houses where the planets are located will play a serious role. I know someone who has this T-square in 2nd-4th-10th houses. I realized that he is not where he is supposed to be because of his family's pressures. He doesn't want to talk about it but I can observe it. Sometimes his mother and sometimes his father try to shape his future position, how he will earn money without asking him. This will hurt him a lot but he has a very strong character and he will get what he wants at the end of this path.

~

Having Pluto aspects in synastry is known to be quite difficult. But you should know that it is difficult for the planetary person. Because they are both deeply attracted to Pluto's mysterious aura and very annoyed by it. Both of these feelings are exhausting for them. I am not saying that Pluto benefits from this, but things are much simpler for Pluto. It's the other one who gets exhausted.

In the next post I will write about the ascendants in the Composite chart. New post will be coming very soon, please get in touch if you have any observations you would like to share.

TAKE CARE,,, 🌬

[martian-astro10]

we were studying about schizotypal personality disorder, and it's so weird, cuz they went "If you like spending time alone you have this" "if your ideas are different from others you have this" like, BE SO FOR REAL RIGHT NOW. It's literally a big money making pharmaceutical thingy and nobody can convince me otherwise. This is how they create this herd mentality, and I hate how nobody questions it, like nobody finds it weird?? It's literally not a disorder. There are a lot of mental disorders but this is not it, atp, they're just creating new things that don't even exist. Create new things, diagnose people with it and give them placebo medicines, great idea, isn't it?

I honestly hate hate hate how people don't use their brains, like if allopathy was so advanced and so great then why haven't they managed to find a cure for endometriosis. why have they not been able to create a birth control without side effects. why is it that they haven't been able to find a cure for thyroid? they give you a medicine for it and then you just have to keep on taking it for your entire life or they recommend removing your thyroid. why is it that their every solution consists of taking out the body part that has the problem instead of healing it??

It's annoying how people just believe stuff without ever questioning it. There are so many disorders that aren't even disorders. so many women are diagnosed with BPD despite them not actually having it. I do believe in vaccinations, and autism and adhd but I also don't believe in a lot of other stuff, it really doesn't make sense to me. I know so many girls who have such severe period pains despite not having pcos or endometriosis and the doctors just go "oh well, it's normal", like no the fuck, it's not. You shouldn't be having period cramps to the point where you are unable to do daily activities, and the fact that doctors just normalize it is absolutely baffling to me. the worst part is that the girls don't seem to give a shit about their body either, like, they have period pains and immediately swallow a BC pill, like your body is trying to tell you something, the severe cramps are an indication of a more serious underlying issue and you're just suppressing it. I started the discussion from god knows where, I don't even know how I reached this point, I'm just so pissed about everything. Also, stop taking Birth control as a method of contraception. They stop ovulation in a lot of cases, it's a very important process of the female body, stopping it is literally not healthy, GOSH. if your man refuses to wear condoms, throw the whole fucking man away, he doesn't care about you. there are many condoms made of good material that do not cause itching in the vagina, and lastly please educate yourselves. I'm not telling you to learn everything from google but rather telling you to study traditional medicine, I studied ayurveda and chinese medicine and have been able to solve every problem with it. You can believe me or choose not to, It's not like I can force somebody to do something, give it a try atleast. it will take longer to solve the problem, but that's because it actually "heals" instead of numbing the pain, and healing always takes time. Other than that..........what can I say.

my anger has subsided, reading this dsm pisses me off so much. almost all the disorders are most likely to be more common in women, I seriously wonder why..............Homosexuality was categorised as a mental health disorder once......lobotomy was considered to be normal......these fuckers also used to think that babies couldn't feel pain, so they used to perform surgeries without Anesthesia on them........this kind of thing never happened in ancient india........I refuse to believe anything that these idiots say

It's a "pseudoscience" ofc it is, anything that provides a solution and doesn't require a person to become a life long patient so you can extort money from them is a pseudoscience, dickheads.

[warpedpuppeteer]

i just don't trust these major network showrunners and writers to actually write buddie to its logical and rightful conclusion. I've followed so many shows and observed so many fandoms over the years, so many amazingly layered characters with extraordinary bonds that spawned popular and beloved ships. And each and every one of those ships were used to bait viewers without ever going canon, this way they get the views from the ship fans as well as the more general fans. The only difference in 911 is they somehow managed to make Buck canonically bi, which is a huge deal for a main male lead on a network procedural show. Yet they immediately slapped him with an underdeveloped character who has zero onscreen chemistry with buck, and relegated their relationship to the background entirely. Almost like the networks's checking off a box and being done with it.

if buddie is in the grand plan, I feel like there should've been some onscreen textual hints already this season after buck came out. But there's been nothing from any of the characters, and it's just heartbreaking. I'll remain a buddie truther for the rest of my life, but it really does feel like the show is trying to draw the line in the sand to say "buck and Eddie are bros only," even if the way the show does this is to forcibly retcon/erase all of the buddie buildup over all these seasons.

Sorry Non for not answering this for awhile. I absolutely understand where you're coming from as I've also been a part of fandoms for a long time especially ones who gleefully use queerbaiting to keep fans interested. I think the biggest difference between 911 and other shows is that generally other shows don't have any queer characters or only minor queer characters. 911 however has a main queer couple (henren) and plenty of side queer characters/pairs as well. So that's an advantage for us; this means they're very much open to a queer storyline.

We've gotten bi Buck which is a very big deal for not only queer representation but also in regards to Buddie. The are clearly aware this is something we want and they've told us that it has been discussed in the past for Eddie to be queer as well so they have definitely at some point discussed making Buddie canon. The actors are down for this as well (Oliver no. 1 buddie truther). The setback seems to have come from the network before so it couldn't happen. But things are changing with the new network.

The reason I think they haven't made Buddie canon yet is that it was simply too short of a season for them to do so. Also it seems like there have been a lot of issues with this season and a lot of it was written hastily. Tim probably had completely different stories in mind for the characters but I guess things like scheduling issues put a wrench in it (Natalia's actress had a scheduling issue and the issue with Marisol's actress). I think Tim had planned completely different arcs for Buck and Eddie in regards to their relationship but had to just do whatever to finish the season because of the issue with the actresses. I think he introduced Tommy as a sort of placeholder for the moment because they couldn't expand Buck's bi story just yet. This was also probably to test the audiences' acceptance of a main character being queer after 6 seasons and to test how much leeway they have with the network. This doesn't mean I agree with what he did because I actually hate it lol. Leaving them both single would have made much more sense than introducing another shit character/actor who only created a divide in the fandom and brought in absolute weirdos into it.

Honestly I could go on forever on why I think Buddie being canon is in the books but for now all I can say is that don't give up just yet! I personally think there's been a lot of deliberate choices this season that were made to jump start the 'making Buddie canon process'. Give it another season at least! If they don't get together, I'm hoping there would at least be a CLEAR indication that they're heading there towards the end of season 8. If they don't do anything of that sort then we can consider giving up on them and living happily in our fanon bubble. But for now stay with us! There's much hope yet!!

Also sorry if this got rambly and doesn't make much sense! My inbox is always open and you can shoot me a message if you wanna discuss or vent more!

[drbased]

DrBased's Top Ten Tips And Principles To Improve Your Thinking

In light of my recent exposure to the 'rational thinking' community, I figured it would be a good idea to share some of my principles that I apply to all the analyis/writing that I do. Let's gooooo

Assume that everything can be explained. And I mean everything. Think about it: literally every word we have, every concept, every phrase, every metaphor - all of it was invented by someone. Even the 'pros and cons' list. Language is built to explain the world, so use that to your advantage.

If you can't explain using the literal language, then try using metaphor. I have so, so many metaphors now to describe and explain my feelings; they have been instrumental in my ability to use language.

Humour yourself. Inside your head is truly a 'no stupid questions' zone - If you have a weird thought, make an odd little connection between things, notice something inconsequential: try humouring that thought, and take it to its logical conclusion. You'll be surprised what you find.

Don't be afraid to make up terms. I came up with the term 'symbolic state' because I wanted to describe a phenomenon that I had experienced in my mind that had no one-to-one descriptive word.

Don't worry about being misunderstood - the more you engage with point one, the more you'll find that being misunderstood is borderline impossible (except see point 10). Every time someone goes 'huh?' that's an *puke* opportunity to learn something and build on your understanding and ability to explain.

Being able to explain is being able to comprehend. Famously, one of the best ways to learn something is to teach. As per point 5, the more you explain something, the more you learn about gaps in your understanding, and from that you build a better explanation for yourself.

Everything is connected. That's the nature of being - we are necessarily connected by cause and effect. As per point 1 and 3, don't be afraid to humour the idea of a connection between certain phenomena.

Don't be afraid to generalise. Discussions of oppression wouldn't be possible without it. As much as everyone wants to believe they're a lone wolf, unaffected by their surroundings, sociological and psychological studies have shown time and time again that people are almost entirely influenced by their life circumstances and surroundings. Demographic edges might be blurry, but demographics are real.

Listen to your emotional responses to what you say. The more you practice this, the quicker you'll get at it. When you say something, pay attention to any feelings of discomfort you have - these might indicate some cognitive dissonance or inconsistency within you. That's telling you something about yourself! You're not a terrible person; this is an *puke* opportunity to tighten your understanding so you're never caught off guard. When you fully know yourself and your point of view, you can explain and argue fluently.

Understand that subjectivity is the nature of being human. You will never be fully objective, but that doesn't mean you can't learn to analyse and explain things as objectively as possible. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that other people will fully understand you. Human beings shield ourselves in little psychological bubbles; you can explain a concept as clear as day to someone but if they're not invested in understanding it, then they simply won't (just think about how Dworkin's phenomenal work is boiled down to 'all sex is rape'). Eventually you'll learn to tell the difference between a failure in your communication and the other party's wilful misunderstanding of you.

Bonus 11th point: Practice. Dip your toes in. As per point 3, humour yourself - this is what we in the biz call 'fake it till you make it'. Except you're not really faking it because the process of building trust requires that stepping stone; acting like you trust yourself requires that you trust yourself, even a teeny bit. Every time you humour your own weird thoughts, you're communicating to your own ever-listening brain that you're allowed subjectivity. 'Humour yourself' is the principle I started with that got me to where I am now; it's literally life-changing.

[jpitha]

Just a Little Further 5

Part 1 2 3 4

Dinner was amazing, as always. It really helped to give a sense of family to the crew that we all ate together whenever we could. There was a real effort to make dinner a whole crew affair and you could tell that Fer'resi and Mitchel really go all out for dinner.

As much as they tried, I could tell everyone was worried about me. "I'm sorry I scared you." I said, after we all sat down. "If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have touched the directory stone, honest!"

A few tight smiles across the table. Fer'resi was the only one who didn't look worried for me. He looked... jealous? "It really is amazing that it happened Melody." He took a bite of food. "I think you're the first human to ever touch a directory stone. I know that you never really used them, and any of your ships that have an addressing module have a K'laxi one with K'laxi addresses in them. I wonder if it happens when any human touches it..." He trailed off.

"But, what does that mean?" Omar asks. Omar works with FarReach on the laser batteries and also the printer - he boasts he can make anything with FarReaches help, it's pretty neat!

Fer'resi shrugged. "Without any more humans touching any other directory stones, we have no idea. This one is clearly special, maybe it would have happened to anyone who touched it."

I took another sip of my coffee, it was my own supply and it was divine. "But, what about what Captain Q'ari said? She said you said I shouted in an unknown language?"

Gene nodded here. "It was super weird. It was like you were chanting or something. We recorded it, but FarReach and Far'resi both agree it's nothing known."

"I even tried working back from the phonemes to see if we could find something shared." FarReach said. "But other than the fact that it's pronounceable by humans and presumably K'laxi, that's all we know so far. For all we know, you were shouting the terms and conditions that we had to agree to use to use the Warp Gates!" FarReach chuckled at his own joke.

As dinner wound down and Chef Fer'resi brought out some treats and nuts to chew on, Captain Q'ari stood. "Okay. Now that we've eaten and talked about what happened yesterday-" This was my first indication that it's been a day since we were on the Gate asteroid. "-It's time to discuss next steps. Commander Perinem, if you would?"

Fer'resi stood from the table and walked to the head. Behind him a screen appeared with the tablet one side, and a listing of symbols on the other. "As I had mentioned previously, we have never come across a table with so many addresses before. These-" He clicked a remote and 15 of them were highlighted. "-represent every single address that is known to us currently. They're all here on this one table. Literally centuries of work finding and deciphering the various tables we've come across in space and they're all right here." He shook his head and smiled wryly. He clicked again and the rest lit up. "Which means that these other 35 addresses - or I should say, probable addresses - represent some other points in space unknown to us. At this point, I can only recommend starting from the top and entering them into the addressing module and see where they go. We could be methodical about it. Enter one, explore, come back here, enter another, explore, come back here and so on."

There was a murmur from everyone at the table. "But this means that this mission suddenly got a whole lot longer." That was Ava Williams, who works in environmental systems. She makes sure we have air to breath and water to drink and that our waste is processed safely.

Fer'resi nodded. "Yes. If we were to continue on without a break, I estimate that going to all thirty five addresses would take 5 years or so."

Upset noises from the table.

"But, that doesn't mean we have to do them all at once." Captain Q'ari said. "We've gone from figuring that we'd have two or three addresses to explore at most to thirty five. We've officially moved beyond our original scope. Let me tell you all here, we are not going to be gone five years. We will continue with our original plan of two or three addresses and then home. Then, another exploration team can be sent out to try the others. There is no reason to expect that we'll have to try them all."

"Additionally," Fer'resi added. "Most of them I suspect will be empty systems. You notice that I've said that we K'laxi have found 15 addresses. Yet, other than K'lax we only have two colony planets. We have 5 other Starbases not counting the Joint Human/K'laxi Starbase Picaresque which means than 6 of the addresses known to us go to empty systems. It's entirely likely that the majority of addresses we have here also go to empty systems. We could visit quiet a few quickly if that's the case."

Kieran asks "So then, where should we go first?"

Captain Q'ari replies. "As Fer'resi mentioned, unless someone has a better plan, we were just going to go to the first address on the list and work our way dow-"

"No." I said, interrupting. "Start with W̷̮̱̿͝ï̵̠̜͛̀l̶̜̞͛̇Ð̵̼͕̾̇§̷̯̩̈́̔ ̷̰͚̅̋ð̴̧̞͐̕£̴̞̻̐͘ ̶͇͍̀̈́ß̵̤͇̉͗ê̵͍̦̑̈'̶̯̭̓̕m̸͉̖̂̒å̷͎̍̃ͅŗ̸͖̋͛å̷͇̘͋͆."

Everyone stopped and turned as one to look at me. I blushed a deep crimson red.

Mei'la was the first to recover. "Uh, what was that?"

"I don't know! I just know that's the one we should start with."

"O-Okay." Captain Q'ari said. "Can you tell us why?"

"Um..." I wracked my brain. "It's the one that... feels right."

"So wait." Gene looked at the list and then back at me. "You can read them?"

"No? Er Yes? Er I don't know?" I was starting to get a headache.

"Okay then," Fer'resi said kindly. "Which one is W̷̮̱̿͝ï̵̠̜͛̀-- er the one you said?"

"5th one down."

They all stared at the entry. "I mean, maybe because we've been told to look at that one... " Mitchel says cautiously "But it does look a little different than the others. Is the text like, bolder? More prominent?"

There were murmurs of agreement.

"Fascinating." Fer'resi said, looking at it closer. "I do believe you are correct.

Captain Q'ari shrugged. "It's as good of an option as any. Maybe even better than any. Does anyone have an objection to taking Melody's suggestion."

Nobody had an objection.

"Then it's settled. Tomorrow morning, we'll put that address into the addressing module and activate the Gate.

****

The next day, after breakfast we all gathered on the Command Deck. With there being only 12 of us, there was room, though it was tight. FarReach said that they would watch the systems so that everyone could see the gate activate.

"Lieutenant Mullen." Captain Q'ari's uniform was pressed, fresh and sharp. I think she brushed her fur until it shone too. "Has your address been entered into the addressing module?"

Hah. My Address.

"Yes Captain. The entry for W̷̮̱̿͝ï̵̠̜͛̀l̶̜̞͛̇Ð̵̼͕̾̇§̷̯̩̈́̔ ̷̰͚̅̋ð̴̧̞͐̕£̴̞̻̐͘ ̶͇͍̀̈́ß̵̤͇̉͗ê̵͍̦̑̈'̶̯̭̓̕m̸͉̖̂̒å̷͎̍̃ͅŗ̸͖̋͛å̷͇̘͋͆." has been input." Funny. The more I say it, the easier it is to say. I'm still not sure what the words mean though.

"FarReach, are we ready to depart?"

"Yes Captain. All systems are green. We can leave at your command"

"Lieutenant Mullen. Activate the Gate."

Like I did the first time we arrived, I sent the hello ping to the gate. This time, with an address entered into the module, the Gate reacted differently.

The ring out in space that was attached to the asteroid started to glow. Dim at first but with a blue almost like Cherenkov radiation it started to grow in intensity. Growing almost painfully bright, the blue increased in intensity until there was a flash and a sensation of almost like being on a dinghy in heavy seas. a feeling of up and then down and..

"The gate has responded and is active. We may traverse." I said, more calmly than I felt.

Captain Q'ari nodded. "Proceed best speed, FarReach. Traverse the gate."

As we approached, it was almost like the Gate got further from us the closer we got to it. I knew it was some kind of optical illusion and our reports about Gate traversal and our own experience said it happens, but every time it's still weird to see.

We touched the gate and...

A rumble and tinkle of debris

"Hard contact!" Gene shouts, peering at his station. "We've entered a debris field."

"It's pretty messy out here" FarReach addd. "Nothing too large. I don't think we'll be damaged so long as we go slow."

"Proceed best speed then FarReach" Captain Q'ari says, stoically. "Release point defense array to destroy any debris that gets too close."

From his station on the Command Deck, Omar confirms. "Point defense aye. Free and tracking."

"Lieutenant Mullen, any contact?"

I'm scanning the area but it appears like there's nothing. "Negative contact. Active scanning with friendly K'laxi and Human signals, no reply."

As we proceed along at a very slow pace, the amount of noise from the debris field lessens until FarReach says "We have traversed the debris field. Recommend we stop and get our bearings."

Captain Q'ari nods. "Agreed. All stop relative to Gate." There is a little feeling of movement as thrusters fire and then it dissipates. "Commander Desmen. Tell us where we are please."

Um'reli Desmen is a short K'laxi with fiery red fur. She's our navigator and is extremely skilled. She's served on many K'alxi ships and this is her first tour with a joint crew.

"Aye Captain. Scanning stars for known pulsars and magnetars, one moment."

While she works, we all busy ourselves with other tasks, though I'm pretty sure we're just really waiting for word about where we are. The Captain says we can order a beverage if we want. I request some coffee and Q'ari gets tea, but everyone else abstains.

After about a half an hour Um'reli speaks up, visibly distressed. "Captain. I think I have our location narrowed down. I apologize for the delay, I ran the numbers 3 times to make sure they were correct."

"That's all right Commander. Where are we?"

She gulps. She doesn't want to say.

"Captain. As near as I can tell, we've traversed the diameter of the Milky Way. We're about 95,000 light years from home."

My head gets light. Ninety Five Thousand Light-Years from home. If we could train a camera on Earth, the light we'd just be getting now would be from before the last Ice Age. The first ever recorded houses would be busily being built.

Captain Q'ari stares at her, mouth open slightly. "Commander, are you sure?"

She nods. "Yes Captain. Within my ability to be able to measure, and confirmed with sighting of 4 known pulsars and 2 magnetars for triangulation. We're on the other side of the Milky Way."

She blinks "FarReach. Can we link home?"

A pause.

A longer pause.

"Captain Q'ari, I'm not sure. I know the coordinates of The Joint Human/K'laxi Starbase Picaresque but I don't know if we have the power to make a link that deep. It's never been attempted. I'm going to conservatively say no, that's too far to link. If we get into a bind or it's an emergency, I'd be willing to try it, but for now... I think we're stuck traveling the Gates."

Just then, my station lights up. "Contact. We're being pinged." I say, shakily.

Part 6

[hello-eeveev]

How to Rest Director's Commentary—Chapter 5

| Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 |

Chapter 5 is all about the vibes and the warmth and little moments that are full of feeling. It’s a short chapter, but it’s a major turning point for Essek and Caleb, even though nothing happens that is terribly surprising or even out of the ordinary. For Caleb, he is integrating his past with his present and trying to reconcile the pride and grief that comes with doing that. He is ready to really settle into his new life, and he wants to make it clear to Essek that he is included in it. And Essek, well… he has some feelings about that :)

Let’s discuss!

(spoiler warning for the entirely of How to Rest)

Going into this chapter, I knew that it was going to be where Essek realizes that he is in love with Caleb. The reason I use ‘in love’ specifically—and frequently with italics—is that I need there to be a distinction between that and “they love each other,” because of course they love each other. This fic is about the development of Essek and Caleb’s relationship, but I feel it would be ridiculous for me to say that they don’t love each other at the start but by the end they do. Love is such a vast word that can encompass so many feelings and versions of feelings, and I think they have felt many things for each other that could be classified as love. But I feel confident in saying that they weren’t in love at the start of this fic. On their way there perhaps, but it’s in this chapter that things start falling into place so that by the end of it, the wizards can land softly and happily in love. 

It was all still quite new to him. His towers in Rosohna had been impressive, but for all their spaciousness, they had never held so much warmth and welcome. He had never had someone he was eager to return to, nor anyone who was excited to see him return, and he had never anticipated how much good it would do his heart.

For all the ways his life is more difficult now, Essek is happier than he has ever been. He has friends who care for him and who he cares for. He may not have a home, but Caleb’s house is as good as, and whenever/wherever he is with Caleb, he feels at home. 

Currently, he sat on a couch in Caleb’s study, eyes half-lidded as he basked in late afternoon sunlight filtering through gauzy curtains—another new warmth Caleb offered him.

Essek has always been extremely cat-coded, and it showed up here. mostly by accident lol 

My mental image of Essek relaxing while Caleb worked plus atmospheric descriptions equaled Essek basking in the sun doing squinty, slow blinks at Caleb. Yes, he’s got sensitive eyes that he must protect from the sun, but he’s also doing the cat “I love you” because parallel play is a love language and Essek loves Caleb very much. 

And with Private Sanctum making it so that no one can see inside their windows, Essek can enjoy the sunlight without fear. And the sunlight is “another new warmth” because Essek’s feelings for Caleb are warm, Caleb’s actions are warm, the space and time they share together are warm. The warmth is essential. 

Caleb stoppered the vial in his hand and set it on the shelf above his desk. He stilled for a fraction of a second, then he reached for one of the gemstones laid out before him and began the process of transmuting it into dust. “I know this cannot be home for you just yet—maybe ever—but I thought that perhaps it could be something close to that. A home base, of sorts. A place you can rest.”

Last chapter, Caleb told Essek that there was a place for him here with Caleb, but Essek’s response of “someday, maybe” seemed to indicate some doubt in that statement. It’s not that Essek doesn’t want that and it’s not that he doubts Caleb, but Essek was in the thick of it, and couldn’t really see Caleb saying that as anything other than a naive hope. 

And Caleb realized that it kind of was, at least with things as they were. So he’s making good on that promise by securing his house even more, so that even if Essek can’t stay forever, maybe he will be able to see this house as somewhere he can always return to. 

Caleb realizes that what he is doing is not a small or casual gesture, which is why he hesitates for a moment and why he is turned away and doing something to occupy his hands while telling Essek. He’s nervous. What if it’s too much? What if it’s not wanted?

Essek stood silently from the couch and drifted to the other side of the room, the sunlight less compelling than the growing warmth in his chest. 

We open with Essek appreciating the sun and its warmth, but ultimately, it is Caleb and the things he does for Essek and the things that he makes Essek feel that draw Essek in.

Were it not for his respect for Caleb’s sorting, knowing it was his own kind of meditation, Essek would have turned Caleb around and kissed him. 

This is another instance of it being pretty obvious when a part of this fic was drafted. Shoutout to that one 4 Sided Dive where Matt said that Essek would generally be an annoying roommate, but that he and Caleb would room well together because they are both very organized. The sorting and preparation of components is a sacred time in the shadowgast household, not to be interrupted by such base things as kissing. 

But seriously, there is a time and place for dramatic kisses, and this is just not the chapter for them. 

But as it was, he merely stepped up beside him, grabbed a knife and licorice root, and began cutting it into long, thin strips for Caleb to use later.  In his periphery, he saw Caleb pause and take a breath. Then there was the increasingly familiar pressure of Caleb’s lips against his shoulder for a second. Two. Then back to work.

This is Essek saying yes. Yes, his home can be here, with Caleb. He’s ready to be more than just a visitor. Caleb recognizes this and has to take a moment to breathe. In another world (another chapter? the next one perhaps 👀?), this would be a time for something big and romantic, but they are talking with too much subtext, even though their understanding of each other is clear. It’s just… not time for that yet. And with the way that they are, a quiet moment like this is big and it is romantic. 

In time, the golden glow of late afternoon shifted to a blazing orange, then again to a soft pink heralding the swift approach of night. Caleb stilled Essek’s hand as he reached for a label to affix to a jar and tangled their fingers together.  “I want to show you something,” he said, eyes bright, his smile gentle.

Caleb waited specifically for dusk so that Essek wouldn’t have to deal with the bright sun in his eyes while he showed him his apple trees. 

Caleb scratched at his chin with his free hand. “I have been thinking again. About time and the past and the future,” he said. “My parents were farmers, you know. Every Harvest’s Rise, they would tear me away from my books and make me help with planting that year’s crop.” He chuckled. “I hated it, but there was something special about harvesting them in the fall and knowing all the work and the waiting that went into a meal. And now that I am making a home for myself here, I find that I have missed it. So…” He gestured to his saplings. “Apple trees.” 

I picked apple trees as the meaningful plant for a couple reasons. First, there is the obvious: Caleb loves apple tarts, and the memory of his mother’s is a fond one. Second, apple trees don’t produce fruit for a few years after planting, so he is committing himself to this place and making plans that won’t see results for some time. Time and the past and the future. 

Apple blossoms also apparently symbolize ‘preference’, so there’s that too. (But I didn’t know that while writing this chapter, and I don’t think it adds any significant additional meaning, buuuut it’s kinda cute kinda sweet.)

“I have submitted my application for Soltryce.” “Oh,” Essek said. He hadn’t realized it was time for that already. Still— “That is good.” “If all goes well, ja.” “You think it won’t?” Caleb pursed his lips. “No. But it is good to consider the possibility.” “True enough.”

Another plan for the future, though this one is a little more immediate. It will be a big change though, so it’s nerve-wracking, which is why he’s steeling himself for the possibility of it not working out. 

Figuring out the placement of this section was difficult. I didn’t have a discussion of Soltryce in my plans for this chapter, but I needed to establish that it was happening for the next chapter. I was worried that its inclusion was clunky, but I think applying to Soltryce and having to tell Essek works as a catalyst for why Caleb is having so many thoughts about what brought him to this point and what his life will look like years from now. 

“I have not regretted my decision to destroy the T-Dock, but… I like the life I am building here, and I—” His voice caught. “I wish that my parents could be part of it.”

Caleb realizes that him bringing up the past and his parents could potentially read as regret, so he’s getting ahead of that, but it’s important for him to be able to express grief that he does feel proud of where he is and what he is doing but that his parents won’t be able to see it or celebrate it with him. 

“I know I cannot go back,” Caleb said. “I don’t feel that pull anymore. But I do miss them.” He sniffed. “But this way—using what they taught me—it is like they are here with me. Not just in the Tower in a room frozen in time. A piece of them is moving forward with me, growing as I do. I am not just leaving them behind.”

For so long, Caleb kept his parents alive in his mind through his plan to go back in time and save them, but now that he has let that dream go and destroyed the very possibility of it, he has had to come up with a new way to keep them with him. Yes, there is the Tower, but it is ephemeral and if that’s his only “physical” connection to his family, he’s still living in the past. And again, he likes his life now; he wants to live it. 

So he puts his memory of them into trees that remind him of them, but that will grow and change. 

“Someday, I will be gone. A long while from now, if I am lucky. […] But these trees will remain. And because I helped them to grow, so will I.”

Caleb doesn’t have ambitions of living forever or extending his natural lifespan, but I don’t think it’s out of the question for him to want to feel like a part of him will live on after he dies. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that Caduceus had a chat with Caleb similar to the one he had with Essek back in Chapter 3, with the

“Missing people is a consequence of loving them; it doesn’t just go away,” Caduceus said. “But a part of them stays here in the flowers they planted, and every day I can go into the garden and see the evidence of them and feel their love—for me, for each other—even if they aren’t here physically.” “It is not the same, though.” “No,” Caduceus said. “But it helps, on the bad days.”

How these apple trees grow will be a direct result of the work Caleb puts into cultivating them, so they will, in a sense, be keepers of his memory. And because Caleb has already designated them as keepers of his parents’ memory, he will live on with them in these trees. 

And I think there is a part of Caleb that hopes that by sharing this thought process, the trees can be a gift for Essek after Caleb is gone. The same way Caleb keeps his parents with him through them, Essek can perhaps feel like Caleb is with him. And even though it won’t be the same, Caleb knows that this thinking helps him and hopes that it may prove true for Essek as well. 

A nascent, premature grief seized Essek’s throat at the thought, forcing itself to be known before he was able to set it aside. He knew this. Had acknowledged it, considered it, and accepted it. It was as Caleb said: there was a long road between then and now, and whatever sadness lay at the end of it was inconsequential to the happiness Essek knew because of Caleb Widogast.

At this point in time, I don’t have much interest in delving into the details of the shadowgast lifespan angst in my own fics, but it’s not something I can just ignore. So this is kind of where I sit with it. I don’t want either of them to be in denial about how this will end, but I also don’t want it to be a constant source of anxiety or fear (kinda goes against the vibes of this fic). One day, Caleb will be gone and Essek will miss him terribly, but Essek’s life is better with Caleb in it now, and will continue to be better as Caleb stays in it. It doesn’t do either of them any good to temper happiness now with grief from the future. It will inevitably show up from time to time, but it does not have to be a constant companion. 

“It will be a good life, I think.” He turned to Essek. “I am glad you are a part of it.”

These lines make me feel insane (tone indicator positive so positive). Like, here’s Caleb, who for so many years had very little regard for himself, imagining the whole of his life and saying “yeah, this is a good thing.” And THEN telling Essek that he wants to include Essek in it??? that he is part of what makes it good??? help me???? 

Essek smiled, not caring to hide it. He brought their intertwined hands up to his chest, hoping Caleb could feel how his heart leapt. “I am glad to be part of it.”

Like shut up he loves Caleb so much and Caleb loves him. The showing and the telling and they’re just HAPPY to have each other it’s cool I’m FINE

Caleb’s eyes crinkled at the corners, the sunset colors bringing out the pink in his cheeks, and Essek had a realization. It hit him with a longing ache that buried itself deep in his bones. He had caught glimpses of it before—during evenings spent reading on the couch, days spent creating spells together—but it had never been so clear as it was in this moment. He wanted more of this. He could have more of this. 

It was important to me that Essek was not blindsided by this realization. This is where they were heading this whole time. He had pieces of the puzzle before, but now he’s seeing the whole image and it makes perfect sense that this is how it all fits together. 

But what does surprise him is how deeply being in love affects him. Before the Mighty Nein and before Caleb, I highly doubt Essek Thelyss imagined himself sharing his life with another person, let alone wanting to. And to have that be a feeling that excites him, that doesn’t scare him anymore, is an incredible thing. 

Caleb was offering this life—his life—to Essek. 

Back on my Ed/Winry FMA:B bs. I mean, how could I not be when “something something hands used to killing becoming hands that care and tend to life something something fullmetal alchemist knew what was upppp” is like, the third sentence in my planning doc for this chapter.

Listen, there’s just something about transmutation specialists offering their lives to someone else that really gets me. I’m not drawing a parallel between Ed/Winry and Essek/Caleb—I don’t think there’s enough there to make a good one—but I won’t deny that the FMA:B train station scene had some influence in phrasing when I realized what was happening here (and some influence on my life in general tbh).

They could tend to these trees and watch them flourish under their care. Caleb would grow old beneath them, and Essek could be by his side, and they could have months and hours and years of being together, utterly and completely in love.

There it is! He’s put a name to it!!! He is in love with Caleb and wants to spend every part of Caleb’s life with him! The thought of Caleb growing old beside him is a good one!

“In a couple years,” Caleb said, unaware that Essek was in love with him, “these trees will produce fruit. And one day when that happens, I will come home from work, and you will come to visit, and we will bake apple tarts.”

This is another way Caleb tells Essek that he expects him to be part of his life for years. And it also shows an acceptance of the fact that Essek perhaps cannot stay with him long-term and that he has found a way to incorporate Essek’s transience into his plans. 

And I love the line “…Caleb said, unaware that Essek was in love with him,” because Essek has just had this huge moment of clarity and Caleb is thinking about them baking together. Nothing has changed except that now Essek Knows. He is having these big feelings, but Caleb reminds us that this is just a small moment, and I love the juxtaposition of these things. 

I adore this chapter. It was a unique challenge to figure out how to write Caleb just talking and Essek just listening while they stand in the backyard, and to make that interesting and engaging and making sure it conveys how important this moment is to both of them despite the lack of action and two-way dialogue.

[kinjiraretaasobi]

Eiam from Twitter has done a Colour Lyrics Video (they explained to me yesterday what this was - it comes from the K-pop vocal band tradition, where different colours indicate which member of a large group is singing lead.)

Seeing the lyrics visually helps me to understand them more clearly. (I have all kinds of auditory processing disorders and struggle to hear words even in my native language.)

It's interesting to me that so much of the discussion that I've seen has focused on the Raijin / Fujin aspect of the title. Maybe because the gods are so familiar in Japanese culture. And yet not on the RESONANCE part of the title. And I'm going to dig into the concept of RESONANCE with some hermeneutics here:

Seeing the lyrics drove the resonance theme home:

共振共鳴 kyoushin kyoumei

Repeating the word for emphasis. Resonate, oscillate - the video even has an oscilloscope in int (wow, I love oscilloscopes!) And @an-insignificant-flower pointed out the specific denotations of those words - they both mean "resonance" but "the former refers to physical vibrations, while the latter refers to sonority (sound)."

And at that point, it clicked. In Physics, there is no difference. Sound is vibration. That's why there is no sound in a vacuum. (In space, no one can hear you scream.)

Apart from the experimental radio station in London, Resonance speaks mostly to me of String Theory. The great atomic discoveries of the early 20th Century - Oppenheimer, atomic power, The Bomb - gave way to increasing weirdness as the scale of reality probed smaller. The fizzing probabilities of the quantum world - really, the only way to understand them was to conceive of them, mathematically and visually, as small pieces of string, vibrating very quickly.

At the subatomic level, there is no physical Matter as we know it. There is only Vibration. Resonance. Shimmering oscillating wibbling energy fields in ten-dimensional hyperspace.

In the cosmic hippie space age period of my extreme youth, this concept made its way into popular culture as "vibes". I think this way of speaking has recently made its way back into youth culture - "we vibe" or "we don't vibe" is a very good way of describing the mysterious chemistry of why one gets on with someone - or not.

Imai Hisashi is really into his physics. To me, one of the most interesting revelations of Imai being forced to do lots of interviews, is that 夢遊猫 SLEEP WALK (Sleepwalking Cat) is actually about Schrödinger's Cat.

One of the fundamental principles of contemporary physics is that due to these subatomic vibrations, the Universe itself resonates. The Universe has a sound. The Universe hums.

The Universe also hums, quite literally. If you tune an old-fashioned radio set to a dead space between stations, you can hear the background microwave radiation that is the residual afterglow of the Big Bang. Existence came into being with a BANG! A wave. A sound. And this idea echoes across many different religions:

The Christianity in which I was raised has a word spoken aloud creating the world: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Hinduism has Shiva, the Lord of the Dance, the beat of his drum and the rhythm of his footsteps forging the first sounds of creation - and destruction, because there is no creation without destruction. Life and Death, creation and destruction are so intimately intertwined you can never have one without the other.

Buck-Tick have played with Hindu Creation concepts before - most notably on Yume Miru Uchuu (Dreaming Universe). Taking the starting point of the great cosmic god Vishnu who dreams the Universe into being and flipping it so that it is the Cosmos itself that is dreaming...

But here, I think we see the starting point of where Imai's philosophy starts to diverge from Sakurai Atsushi's. To Sakurai, life is Dream. To Imai, life is Dance. Life, love, death, dance, all are tangled up and inseparable in Imai's cosmos.

Boys and girls, baby don’t cry, you know it's all okay Life is love and death, and so are we

DANCE　DANCE　HA! HA!　REMEMBER TO DIE

Isn't this what's going on with Boys don't cry / Girls fall in love?

In Sakurai's worldview, life was a dream. His metaphor for his own life, again and again, was a stage, wherein he played the clown. I don't know if this philosophy came to him via Osamu Dazai (No Longer Human) or Shakespeare (All the world's a stage / And all the men and women merely players) but in Sakurai's worldview, to survive is to escape into a performance, a dream in the dark.

Imai seems to be setting out his own worldview, which is slightly different from Sakurai's - life is a dance. The world is a dancefloor on which you beat out your own rhythm. Being a Brit of the Rave Generation, whose life was worked out on dirty dancefloors from the backrooms of Camden pubs to warehouses in NYC, from converted churches to space-age hamburger joints. this is a message that resonates with me intensely. Life is a dance.

You dream by yourself. And you can dance by yourself - but usually, you dance with your lover, you dance with your friends, you dance in the midst of a crowd, that special unique feeling that only a dancefloor can bring of being simultaneously alone and doing your own thing, while also moving in a great oscillating wave of humanity with all the other people on the same floor losing their minds to the same amazing music in a pulsing back-and-forth of bodies and beats. Dancing is social. Music is an organism created as a dance between performer and listener. Living is a dance.

This, to me, is Imai's message: to survive in this world, to survive being beaten by the rain (and I write this sitting in the teeth of Storm Bert battering the UK) - resonate! vibrate! oscillate! spin! Join in the great cosmic hum of the Universe and dance!

[themanifestingbrat]

◞◜❁ How to deal ❁◝◟ with intrusive thoughts & doubts when manifesting

As I was working on my self concept and strengthening my beliefs, I still would constantly get intrusive thoughts and doubts and it would really upset me which took me down a rabbithole of being a victim. But after watching a few videos and actually implementing them, I was able to reduce them and even use it as reassurance that I'm successfully saturating my mind with the new.

The good news is your thoughts don't manifest. You are not your thoughts. The worst thing you can do is give power to your thoughts and waver/spiral as if you're not in control. Before I get into ways to handle them, let's briefly discuss what intrusive thoughts are and why we have them...

Intrusive thoughts are those thoughts that come out of nowehere, they are usually not aligned with what you want or want to be. They can overwhelm you by giving you stress and anxiety. They may even be aggressive and intensely fearful. When these thoughts come up, you might think about your current circumstances and unwanted scenarios. And if you give into them, you might feel guilty, shame, or even physical discomfort.

I believe these particular thoughts come from your ego as protection or from your old self (depending on what you've experienced or been taught.) Your ego/old self want you to believe these thoughts so you can remain comfortable and to protect you from the new/the unknown. I like to use these as indicators that I'm saturating my mind and my ego is going into panic mode.

Now, how can we deal with this?

✻ Let them be. Surrender to them without trying to change them. If you start to resist them and try to flip them out of fear, the thoughts start to grow bigger and becomes more destructive. The more you try push it away, the more it comes back. So, just observe it, allow it to exist without giving it energy in either direction. Remember, you assign meaning and power to everything. ✻ Befriend your ego. Sometimes the voice in your head that says those mean and hurtful things may seem like they are there to sabotage you or hold you back. But look at it as your friend trying to help you. They want to protect you from discomfort, hurt, and pain. They are not always right, but listen to it (not to make it to true) and see what wisdom it might have to offer. Most likely, it's trying to protect you from experiencing something that has cause you pain in the past. ✻ Question it. Most of the time, your intrusive thoughts were true at one point. In the past, you may have had an emotional or traumatic experience that formed a belief. And now, as you're saturating your mind with the new, the thoughts can come back trying to remind you of the past. You can ask, 'Is this true for me now?' Nine times out of ten it isn't because it doesn't align with your desired reality. You can also ask, 'What memory or emotion is this bringing up?' If you're able to pinpoint a memory, you will be able to process and heal it. Sidenote: if you consider yourself an overthinker, I wouldn't recommened questioning every intrusive thought.

✻ Tweak your affirmations. If you love affirming, here's what you can add to your affirmations to saturate your mind quicker and ease the doubts.

I am/have ___ and that's a fact. I am/have ___ and it is done. I am/have ___ because I say so.

Get creative and use your own vocabulary!

I hope this helps and if you have anymore tips or recommendations, I would love to hear them!! ✿✿✿

[byebyebyeuterus]

the beginning of the end.

I’ve always found comfort in writing. There’s something therapeutic about it. Being able to put your thoughts down on paper, releasing all that’s scrambling around in your head - it’s nice. It also helps to organize my thoughts and to process them too. So, that’s what I’m going to do - put my journalism degree to use (finally!!!) and write. There’s been a lot going on in my life lately and I need to get it all out of my head somehow. So here we are - a new blog. I don’t think I’ve had a blog since I was in middle school or something. Remember LiveJournal? Is that still a thing? 

Anyways, If you’re uncomfortable with the female anatomy and its functions then please move on, this story or this blog isn’t for you. 

But, I’m finally at the beginning of the end. The end of monthly pain that I’ve suffered from since I was about 13  years old. The end of torturous periods. The end of sleepless nights doubled over willing and praying that the cramps would stop. The end of sitting at my desk during work, sweating my ass off because my body is in so much pain and it’s taking all that it can out of me. The end of wondering if I can make it through a social event without feeling like I want to die. Hoping and praying that I’m doing enough on the outside to mask the pain - making sure that everyone else around me has no idea that I’m hurting because I don’t want to be a burden or ruin anyone’s plans, moods, etc.   The end of spending money on feminine products, spending money on heating pads, remedies, medications - all of which never really solved anything. 

How did we get here? How did I get to the beginning of the end? Well, about a year ago I started experiencing some strange pains in my stomach. Pain that kept me up at night. There was nothing that made it better, but nothing that made it worse either. Just a constant pain lingering on the lower right side of my abdomen. I thought it could have been appendicitis. Or, perhaps it’s just some gas? Or - maybe something is up with my gallbladder. Maybe my IUD was out of place. But no, none of that. Nothing ever showed up on X-rays, tests, ultrasounds, or blood work to indicate an issue.

So, I carried on. 

Until about a month ago. 

One morning in October, I woke up with the worst cramps I’ve ever had in my life. We’re talking 15/10 on a scale of 10. The pain had me pretty messed up. I know I logged into my computer to work that day - but I also remember only laying down on my beanbag chair in my office and squeezing a pillow so tightly, hoping the pain would go away. After laying with a heating pad and loading up on a large amount of ibuprofen, I was finally able to call my OBGYN’s office. All I wanted at that point was to talk to a nurse, to have it documented that I was in a lot of pain and to make sure it was on my record so that my gynecologist and I could talk about it during my annual wellness exam, that was only a few weeks away. The nurse couldn’t have been any more sympathetic to what I was going through. She could tell in my voice that I was uncomfortable. She took down my information, wrote down all that I was dealing with, and then spoke to my doctor. My doctor recommended an ultrasound - mostly to check and make sure that my IUD was in its right spot, but to also see if something else might be causing my discomfort. 

So, a week later, I had my ultrasound appointment. 

Now, this isn’t any normal ultrasound. This was a transvaginal ultrasound. Doesn’t sound fun, does it? 

It’s not. 

Let me break it down for you. It’s a stranger, with a wand, probing around your private parts for a good 45 minutes and taking pictures of your insides. She’s not really explaining what she’s looking at, but instead trying to have a discussion about what halloween costume she’s going to wear that weekend. It quite frankly was the worst 45 minutes of my life. I hated every moment of it. While the tech was trying to make it as easy and comfortable as possible for me - it wasn’t. It was painful. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and try my hardest not to react to any movements by her or cry. 

Once it was over, the waiting game began. 

I had an appointment scheduled with my gynecologist a week and a half after that ultrasound took place. It was a long 10 days. But that appointment literally changed EVERYTHING. 

My doctor and a surgeon reviewed my ultrasound. They were able to determine a few things. First,I had 2 different diseases that I was diagnosed with - endometriosis and adenomyosis. Second, I likely would never be able to have children. Third, what I thought was ‘normal’ (aka the horrible cramps and all the other exponentially worse experiences of being a woman on a monthly basis) - was and is not normal at all.  But, with all that bad news, I FINALLY had answers on why I have been suffering most of my life. 

For those of you who don’t know, endometriosis is a disease where the lining/tissue of your uterus grows outside of your uterus. The tissue can be found in the fallopian tubes, on the ovaries, on many different parts of your body. Every month, when that tissue sheds from the uterus (your period), the tissue everywhere else in the body has nowhere to go to escape, causing pain. The hormones released by your ovaries triggers the endometriosis, causing pain. Adenomyosis takes it a step further - that same tissue - (again, which should ONLY be in your uterus) actually grows within the muscles and walls of the uterus. So every time hormones are released, or your uterus contracts (cramps) - it squeezes that tissue in the muscles making the pain 1000000000x worse than ‘normal’ period cramps. (or so I’m told. I can’t tell you what a normal period cramp feels like.) 

So great. I finally have a diagnosis. It actually gave me some relief. I suddenly have an explanation for what I’ve been going through. I no longer feel crazy for complaining about how bad my cramps are. I no longer have to gaslight myself (I’m really good at this) into thinking that it’s all in my head, that it’s not ‘that’ bad, etc. I actually have a medical diagnosis to explain all that’s happening. I have tons of research to do! I can learn how to live with this and have a normal life! Right? 

Well… sort of. 

You see, while medications can help with endometriosis and you can even have a surgery to have it scraped away from your body and get some relief - the relief may not be permanent. The only way for it to totally go away is naturally, through menopause. Which in reality could be 10, 15, 20, maybe even 30 years away. But, there is no medicine to help fix adenomyosis. Again, I could wait for menopause for the adenomyosis to go away too. 

But, the only way to fix adenomyosis is through surgery. 

By removing my uterus. 

A hysterectomy.  

Hysterectomy. That’s a pretty big word. That’s a pretty big deal. There’s a lot of finality with a hysterectomy. No more periods - which in turn means no more pain. It also means never being able to have children. That’s okay too - I never had a desire to have children, and thankfully neither does my husband. But in a weird way, it also feels like a bit of an identity crisis. Like a loss of a part of my femininity. And that’s been a bit of a struggle. And I think I’ll eventually talk about these things in other posts in the future. 

But I was faced with this decision - do I medicate the endometriosis and deal with the adenomyosis until menopause, or do I get the hysterectomy and live my life free from monthly pain?  

For me, it was a simple choice. I chose hysterectomy. 

My hysterectomy will be scheduled soon. I met with my surgeon a couple of weeks ago.. He’s really great. I feel comfortable with him and I feel comfortable with my decision. This decision will ultimately improve my quality of life. It will make my life a hell of a lot easier and will allow me to enjoy life to the fullest.

I never would have imagined going through this surgery, especially at 35 years old. There have been many times when I’ve had cramps where I’ve thought “can’t I just get rid of it all?!” And now, finally, I can.

You might be wondering why I am sharing this. Well, to be completely honest, I hope that I will be able to help others who are going through the same thing or, receive this diagnosis. Especially younger women. I hope that I can help them stand up and advocate for themselves and their health. I’ve been dealt a bad hand when it comes to doctors as of late and if I didn’t advocate for myself and also take the time to research doctors to make sure I have nothing but the best from here on out - who knows where I would be. I also hope that this will help me to connect to other women who may have already gone through all of this. To find others who UNDERSTAND. It can feel very isolating when you’re sick or have a sickness and no one really understands. I also hope it will help me process all of this. This is a major surgery. I’m having multiple ORGANS removed from my body. That’s crazy. That’s something that I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around. 

So, I hope being able to write about this, the process, my feelings, my recovery - will just help to make it that much easier for me. I have a lot on my mind surrounding this procedure and a lot that I want to discuss.. There’s a lot of what ifs and there are a lot of fears. But there’s also hope. So while this is the beginning of the end of my relationship with my uterus, it will also bring a new beginning to my life. 

Excited to start the countdown til I can say, “See you later, ovulater!” 

[mickstart]

hi!

I was reading your blog and I’ve seen the deconstruction burger thing before on the internet, and I do it too, with sandwiches and fruit and pizza and well, everything I eat. I do some things other people post about frequently too, I have hyper-fixations, (I love formula 1 as well) I get upset about certain things that most people don’t and most of everything goes over my head and I don’t love being touched.

But I’m a 22 year old, I feel too old to actually do something about it, people my age don’t get diagnosed with autism really, but sometimes I feel so far behind from everyone and I’ve always felt a bit out of place, my parents and my few friends say I'm quirky or peculiar, but yeah, I don’t know, I don’t even know why I’m sending this. I guess, I thought I would like to know where to begin you know?

I hope I’m not rude or disrespectful.

I loved Without a Hitch by the way, it made my whole year last year!

Thank you and please don’t feel pressured to reply?

Hey! Sorry this took a while I wanted to like, gather my thoughts so I could try and point you in the right direction? First of all, it sounds like you're questioning whether you have autism and for me that meant I sought out a diagnosis. I think before seeking an autism diagnosis it's important to consider why you need or want one. Any reason is fine, there's not a wrong one! If you want answers, some sort of peace with yourself, access to specific support that is gated off, or just to know, it's all good. But it's also important to know that because an autism diagnosis can be so difficult to access, and in some countries and areas even result in a loss of autonomy, it is absolutely not required unless you want or need it. If stim toys or weighted blankets or specific free to access autism information sites like the national autistic society help you, use them.

This isn't to discourage you, more to reassure you that you don't have to like Get A Certificate to relate to autistic experiences and take advice and tips and use them to help your day to day life! But if you do want this question answered then the diagnosis process can be very lengthy for adults depending on where you are in the world. I can only talk about my experience in the UK but it took a year from my first discussion with a doctor to my diagnosis, and that's pretty fast honestly. It absolutely does happen though, don't let your age discourage you. I was 22 when I was diagnosed! (Fuck. That feels like yesterday.)

If you're at university your best bet would be to talk to your mental health team. They fast tracked the diagnosis process for me. I brought it up with the counsellor and I did several questionnaires the main two of which were the autism quotient test and the empathy quotient test (aq and eq) and then when those results indicated autism as highly likely I was sent to my GP with those results to ask for a referral to the autism diagnosis team. (The gp told me there was no adult autism diagnosis team in our area BC GPs can be fucking incompetent so we had to go back and forth a few times telling them how their own damn service works)

If you're not at university and you're in the UK then raising this with your GP is probably your best bet. (not all of them are as useless as mine I promise.) Wherever you are in the world your doctor should be able to tell you how the diagnosis process works there. It can be highly localised. Not every country is using the same diagnosis protocol and not every local authority has the same procedures. If they don't, the aq and the eq are online and you can take them and print them out to go back to the doctor with. They're official screening tools. They can't give you a diagnosis but they can indicate how likely it is that you are autistic.

Honestly my first recommendation would probably be to take them, or at least the aq, if you're curious and want to have an indicator. I had to take them with my mum there to give me an outside perspective, as many questions ask for them so try having a friend or family member with you when you take it if that feels comfortable. Also, if you can, take that person with you to the doctor to advocate for you! Doctors take outsider testimony about autism more seriously in my experience.

This is a lot of information, I'm sorry about that! Grappling with the question of autism and the way it impacts your identity can be frightening and confusing. I highly recommend the national autistic society (UK) website as a more organized source than me that can give you more information and advice on how to proceed if you're questioning.

Sorry for this massive rant. Basically, you are not alone, and you can have answers to these questions. Where there was once a huge confusion and a sense that I just didn't belong on this earth with real humans there is now a comforting knowledge that there is nothing wrong with me.

[sustema]

What’s Special About P4CHI was less a surprise for me but an affirmation of the process and the direction taken during my sessions. I agree with Dr. J concerning Inquiries - sessions and preparation must be at the level of understanding of the students. Some may feel this is an obstacle or may limit the depth of a session but I feel in general, students at the lower levels of understanding are capable especially if they are curious. If sessions are prepared in good faith from students with little intervention from the teacher, there is more of a chance students will invest in the discussions. I know most teachers usually steer class lessons with a particular destination in mind to maximize time and goals set by the curriculum - but I agree with Dr. J about relinquishing such control - allowing students to come to their own conclusions. In my experience, students usually arrive at ideas and conclusions I am happy with because of the process used to get there. I believe the process if followed in good faith is everything.

One huge issue Dr. J mentions is the idea of time and agenda. I don’t see it as much of an issue - although lesson plans are expected to be specific and goal oriented, it is easy to create continuous or running lesson plans fitting into the ultimate agenda of any course while meeting the goals for P4C. Inquiry based methods are tools facilitating critical thinking which is a more important outcome over having the correct answer. So in a sense, the process and engagement in good P4C becomes the agenda. I know some of my colleagues will disagree because of the pressure and oversight to teach particular agendas supporting data showing student performance. The latter I believe is a short term solution hindering longterm success - this compartmentalization of education and the fulfilling of performance goals places the emphasis on the “answers and scores” and next to nothing on how the students arrive at those answers. P4C allows for a different model that doesn’t end the conversation or curiosity at the bell or confine learning a subject in a particular classroom, or with a particular teacher - P4C sessions have the potential for students to see ideas and subjects as interconnected and the process moving beyond the answers.

Dr. Yos’s talk about the importance of inquiry is my favorite example of “important do’s and dont’s” of P4C. The story illustrates what happens when a teacher responds in a discussion - reinforcing what they feel is considered an acceptable answer versus unacceptable answers - eventually the kids shut down - I believe this is not only indicative of P4C but for any discussion where students subconsciously know the teacher is looking for a particular set of answers - this shuts down the discussion. The students invariably know there are right and wrong answers but they are not allowed to explore because of the student teachers prompting and responses - I realize there are situations where it is okay but now after this story I am going to evaluate future discussions and lessons outside of P4C - I wonder if allowing the discussion to percolate without teacher intervention will yield a richer experience for the students overall. Such a small and simple modification that can have a huge impact on learning. 30 years of teaching and I have not come upon this bit of information - When students know we are leading the responses and overall discussion dynamic changes - I definitely want to promote “the middle way” - it really is a tough balance sometimes - yes some answers are better than others but facilitating just enough to allow for the exploration and discovery without shutting the students down is ideal - i guess this will require more experience and meaningful practice. So how to point out the value or difference between impulsive answers and meaningful ones - the criteria is important - how do we check to see if student responses stand up to logical scrutiny? Dr. Yos suggest to be “humble with my answer” and allow student answers and weighing of assumptions to percolate - this sounds easy but will take some practice. The problem with belief is that some people attach themselves to the belief so if the belief is found to false or not as sound it becomes harder for the person to relinquish that belief because they view it as an attack on their person. I like how Dr. Yos brings up the idea of hypothesis - this will give the students an out will allow for change in a future session - the idea that this is the best answer for now but it may change in the future is a great way to allow students to explore while also introducing them to the scientific method. Overall, Dr. Yos’s examination of inquiry needs more exploration and sample sessions so teachers can see the practice real time especially this balancing of student answers in the quest of achieving the “middle way.”

[deanismysavior]

Hold on, I just thought of something. So we've talked a lot about how Mike's love confession monologue feels off and feels narratively clunky, but we don't really talk about WHY that choice was made.

Because here's the thing: the narrative imperfection is in direct conversation with Will's monolgue/love confession.

In both speeches, on the surface level, they seem like they should make sense, that is, until you start looking at the details.

In Will's love confession scene, we see him tell Mike that El "commissioned" the painting for him, which serves as a cover for Will's real intentions in creating that painting. On the surface, it seems like a believable thing El could do out of affection for her boyfriend, until you start to think about it again and realize we've never once heard El and Mike discuss DnD in any sort of depth, and she likely wouldn't be overly familiar with the roles of the party.

We also see Will here say that if Mike felt like El was "pushing [him] away," that it was likely just because she was afraid of losing him. Upon first hearing this, it sounds feasible that given the distance, El could be pushing Mike away, but when we look at the actual context of El's feelings towards Mike over the course of the season, we see her room filled with pictures of Mike and a box full of momentos, and we're privy to the dozens of letters she has sent him. In other words, we can see El's affection for Mike loud and clear, and so can he.

And when Will tells Mike that El needs him, these are sweet and reassuring words, but we've also seen how quickly El dumped Mike in season 3 and how she left without warning to go with Owens and get her powers back, once again leaving Mike behind. In truth, El might love Mike, but she doesn't need him, not like he seems to need to be needed.

Will's monologue is meant to throw off Mike, but we see a few shots within the van scene where it seems as though Mike is confused and processing, as if something isn't quite lining up, but he can't really put his finger on why.

In Mike's monologue to El, it follows a similar pattern. Mike tells El that he loved her since the moment he met her in the woods. From an audience standpoint, having seen Mileven's relationship manifest over the past three seasons, at first this seems sweet. But then as we parse the context of that moment, Mike's assertion rings false as we see him in the first scenes with El confused, afraid of her, and ready to cast her out in favor of finding Will. It's only when she demonstrates that she could help find him that Mike starts to see her as anything other than transitory.

Mike also makes it a point to say that he is "not scared" of El and that he's "never felt that way." While this is certainly something you would hope your boyfriend would say, this, also rings false as we see multiple times that Mike is shocked by her powers, and even accusatory with his famous "What's wrong with you?" line. Mike has been scared of El on MULTIPLE occasions.

He also tells El in this scene that he "doesn't know how to live without [her]." I'd say this is the most up-for-grabs statement that Mike makes, because he does care about and have love for El, but he's also shown twice now that he has lived without her. The first time, when he believed she might be dead, Mike checked in on El every day, but he never went after her. We see some definite signs of grief from his acting out in school and grades slipping, but his life with his friends remains overwhelmingly unchanged in her absence. The second time we see this is in season 4 when they are forced into a long distance relationship. While Mike does still receive letters from El, he doesn't seem lovesick or mopey that she's not around. He joins Hellfire and spends time with his friends. If anything, we get more indication that he's felt the absence of Will more strongly as he directly tells Will that "Hawkins isn't the same without [him]."

He says his "life started that day [he] found [El] in the woods." Another beautiful sentiment, until you look closer. This directly conflicts with Mike's character arc in season 1 in which his main priority was finding Will. It also conflicts with Mike's statement in season 2 that choosing to be Will's friend was the "best thing [he] ever did." Obviously Mike had a life before El, and even after having met her, he still believes that being Will's friend was the best thing he ever did, and not finding El or making friends with El or kissing El.

We also see Mike say here that he "love[s El]" with or without her powers. This has been the crux of their relationship drama throughout the season as Mike continually identifies El as a "superhero" and El, feeling lost without the thing that makes her feel special, goes off to regain those powers, because she thinks that's what Mike wants her to be. And even during that time, Mike refers to El as "Superman" during his conversation with Will. While Mike saying he loves her without her powers here might seemingly resolve this earlier conflict, he then goes on to specifically talk about and focus on her powers in his speech, making his words feel disingenuous.

He then once again refers to El as his "superhero" and tells her she can "fly" and "move mountains," both things that connect back to her supernatural powers and her otherness, but not her, not "exactly who she is" as he claims.

The entire time Mike is giving this speech to El, we see Vecna's vines TIGHTENING around El, not loosening, until she looks over at Max, someone who has over and over again reminded her what it is to be free and to be her own person.

This scene, just like Will's monologue, is meant to function as a form of misdirection, but not necessarily for El, for the audience. As we've discussed on the surface, all of these elements Mike brings up in his monologue should make sense for a couple in love, and to a casual viewer, would probably just be written off as a kind of corny scene, but what we as critical readers of the scene can take away from it is that this scene is intentionally meant to mislead you.

Mike is not talking about his real feelings for El here. He's talking about feelings for the version of El he created for himself in his head. For the larger-than-life savior. Simply, Mike loves the idea of El, but not the person she's become. And El knows that his speech about her, however touching to an outside audience it may seem, does not really reflect her, and that's why we see the vines tighten around her neck.

So what could this mean for season 5 and what does it mean in connection to the Will confession?

I think this heavily suggests that Eleven will be single in season 5 and that she will break up with Mike since he no longer really sees her for who she is. But I also think that this misdirection theme will play out in Byler as well. Just as the audience is meant to slowly piece things together after the fact, Mike is supposed to do the same in his relationship with Will. As season 5 unfolds, I think we'll see Mike get more hints that the painting was not commissioned by El and that the version of him that is loved and needed is not El's, but Will's. Mike, just like us, is supposed to read between the lines right now.

In conclusion, I think the Duffer Brothers may not have actually fucked up as badly as we thought, but instead created some somewhat genius foreshadowing and parallelling.

[pumpkinpaix]

on the 7seas mxtx english editions

I have been struggling to write this since December. I still don’t really know where or how to begin, but the recent announcement of 2ha’s English licensing by Seven Seas seems as good a motivator as any at this point.

I guess before I begin, I want to make clear that I am not writing this with the intent or desire to harm—it’s certainly a criticism, but I want it to be a practical one. Please don’t use my words as an excuse to take up arms or make personal attacks. I don’t want to be used as a prop in anyone else’s fights, I don’t wan to talk about it, I just want to say my piece and be done.

So. Without mincing words: I am beyond disappointed in the MXTX English-language editions. The idea that this might be what sets the precedent for future danmei releases is incredibly disheartening. There are several reasons, and I’ll try to explain my main issues as best I can without being unnecessarily harsh. I will be talking about specifics with regards to MDZS, as it’s the one I’m most familiar with.

Quality & Production Timeline:

The overall quality of the work is lackluster and rushed. Several reviews have already discussed issues with the MDZS translation that was published—they are easy to find on Goodreads and elsewhere, but I am not going to link them here because I feel that relitigating details and pinning blame on the translator(s) is very misguided. The licensed translation is full of mistakes (both major and minor), inconsistencies, and confusing wording. To me, this betrays a very serious lack of editorial oversight and quality checking rather than a problem with the raw translation itself. No translator on earth can produce a first draft without mistakes, yes, even very basic ones. Everyone slips up, even in their native tongue, all the time. Having mistakes in an early draft is not at all an indication that a translator lacks skill, and this persistent focus on the faults of the translator(s) feels more like scapegoating than anything. I may not agree with all of the translation choices, but I do not think that mistakes make the translator(s) unqualified.

What I find unacceptable is that these mistakes were allowed through into the final printing, which tells me there was insufficient, if any, review of the content, either by the translators, or by another party familiar with the original work. The production timeline feels very, very short for such a project (I cannot even begin to imagine trying to translate 32 chapters of MDZS in under four months), which maybe explains, but doesn’t excuse. I am not intimately familiar with the publishing industry, so I will refrain from speculating further, except to point in the direction of both Suika and Pengie’s threads on the matter:

If the books needed more time to be done well, then they should have allotted more time. The translators should not be bearing the brunt of the criticism. It isn’t fair to them—and it isn’t fair that the publication schedule and process set them up for failure in this way.

Pronunciation Guide:

This is perhaps my most serious grievance, and the one that’s kept me from writing this for four and a half months. I know that my reaction is personal and extreme, but I also think that it has roots in something that is both real and actionable. Forgive me, this will be harsh.

When I saw the pronunciation guides in the back of all the books, I felt physically ill.

It reads like an echo of all the times I’ve had my “difficult” language used against me, but this time packaged up as a pseudo-helpful, sightseeing brochure to make English speakers feel good about themselves when confronted with supposedly “difficult” content. They are condescending, touristy, and teach a bastardized, hyper-Americanized anglicization of my first language. The pronunciations, as they are written, sound exactly the way a classmate used to harass me by following me around, mocking my name, and pulling at the corners of his eyes. They are worse than useless.

These guides are not only disrespectful to people like me, but also disrespectful to the English speakers who put their trust in this production based on the marketing that implied there would be careful consideration of the cross-cultural challenges involved. When there was so much reassuring from the publisher that these books would be done right, that the production would be handled with respect and understanding, the inclusion of these guides was particularly insulting. Much has been made about how they are inaccurate—which they are. But what’s more egregious is their tone, their technique, their application.

Mandarin pronunciation can be challenging for English speakers. I am not contesting this. But I ask—what was the purpose of these guides? “[Mandarin] is a tonal language,” they read, “so correct pronunciation is vital to being understood!” But there is not a single further allusion to tone within the guide, and the pronunciations that follow are not, in any way, going to help a reader new to the language pronounce anything well.

Obviously, two-page pronunciation guides cannot be a substitute for language instruction—but then they should not make any pretension to be. I cannot see these guides as anything other than a way to pander to the egos of English speakers, to simplify and make palatable this language that might make them uncomfortable with its difference. These guides promise knowledge on culture that they don’t deliver, and instead mislead readers with racist caricatures of the language.

Lest this is met with responses along the lines of “but it’s hard to create a pronunciation guide” and “it makes the book more accessible”—1) of course it’s hard. So what? Doing it badly was worse than not doing it at all. 2) No, it doesn’t. Misinformation does not increase accessibility.

There was every opportunity to create something respectful and sincere. Many people have pointed out that the Pinyin system is very serviceable and consistent. If it wasn’t feasible to include a basic guide to Pinyin in the books, perhaps there could have been a space for “Additional Resources” instead, providing links or references to places where a reader could seek out that information if they wanted it. We live in a multimedia world. Several fans, including myself, have made audio pronunciation guides—something like that, more professionally produced, might have been an option. There was room to allow readers to explore and learn and put in effort to engage instead of spoon-feeding them this slapdash, half-assed bullshit.

I can believe that it was done with the best of intentions. But that doesn’t make it good.

Marketing:

This leads into my final point, which is a bit more nebulous and hard to explain, but I’ll try.

The inclusion of guides beyond a pronunciation guide and glossary was also insulting, in a different way. Why is there a need for a character guide? Can readers not be trusted to read? I might understand an inclusion in later volumes as a refresher, but it’s baffling to me that these guides are considered necessary at the outset, and it’s also frustrating to see that they contain interpretations of characterization and motivation. “The identity of certain characters may be a spoiler; use this guide with caution on your first read of the novel.” Why include it at all?

As a reader, I do not want to be told how to understand the text. The text can speak for itself without an external party setting the tone. These stories are not more complicated just because they are Chinese. Harry Potter didn’t come with an extensive list of characters and the meanings of their names. And those were books written for children.

MXTX’s works are adult books. They are adult books, but everything about their marketing in English feels like they are aimed at teens that the publishers don’t think are very smart. Yes, the stories may be culturally unfamiliar, but that doesn’t mean readers need to be hand-held with cutesy lectures. To do so feels like it says something less than flattering about the publisher’s perception of MXTX’s work and audience.

-

When the English licensing of MXTX’s works was first announced, I admit my first reaction was despair because I was so afraid of the consequences, of what unintended collateral damage the final product might generate if it fell short of a very high standard—for the translators, for MXTX, for the greater danmei genre. It’s difficult to be the first, and it’s difficult to be the first with such high stakes. And unfortunately, here we are, and it played out nearly exactly how I had predicted and hoped it would not.

I am not unbiased, and my views certainly reflect that. It is possible that some of my criticisms are excessive or unsympathetic. However, I have spent a long time thinking this over and attempting to put it all into words, and I would appreciate having my criticisms considered seriously, even if you eventually decide that you disagree with them. But I am tired and I am terribly sad that something I loved so much was handled in a way that felt so disrespectful. How can I be excited about the English releases of these books if I can hardly bear to look at the copies on my shelf? Unless a lot changes about the future installments, I cannot view any English licensing announcements with anything but bitter disappointment. I have no trust left to give, and no heart to spare.

It’s fine if you love the English editions of these novels. I don’t want to take away your joy because it’s a wonderful thing to have. As always, all I’m asking for is serious consideration. If I’ve made you see things in a different light, that’s as much as I can hope for.

[writingwithcolor]

Gingerbread man as golem

@yaronata asked:

I would like to write a character who is Jewish and uses a Golem. She's based on the D&D class of the artificer which looks magic but isn't, because they produce all their effects with inventions, like the "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" quote. Her story is that her very Jewish town was under attack from a terrible monster when she was little. Her Rabbis made a Golem to protect the town, and it succeeded but was torn to pieces in the process. She was fascinated by the Golem and as a kid didn't see a big difference between it's sentience and person's so was really thankful for its sacrifice like you would a person's sacrificing their life for you. They thought all the pieces had been devoured by the monster before it died, but she went looking and found the piece used to animate the Golem, which she, kinda misunderstanding called its "heart". She kept the piece and grew up to be an incredibly skilled cook, specialising as a baker in the town. I imagine she would make a lot of really good food for the Jewish holidays, or to break fasts on ones like Yom Kippur or Tish'abav. But she also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice and the town still being alive, because I feel "we are not dead woo" is a big theme for Jewish holidays from my research, so it could fit, for which she invented ginger bread men to be the golem, and gave them little "hearts" of fruit or honey, and you're meant to eat them limb by limb like the beast did before eating the heart. This would be the inspiration for using the "heart" piece later to make her own giant gingerbread Golem to help her save the world.

These are my questions 1) would it be considered bad or disrespectful for someone who isn't a Rabbi to make a Golem, or is this method of taking an animating piece someone else made disrespectful? 2) Her journey will take her far from her town and her Jewish family and friends and she will likely travel with gentiles. Would it be disrespectful for a Golem to be used to protect a lot of gentiles and one Jew in the course of saving the world? I don't want to fall into the stereotype of someone putting all their effort into valuing and protecting very specifically the group that in real life is oppressive to them. 3) While she is not using magic and is actually mimicking its effects with technology she invents, is this drawing too close to the line of "magical Jew"? 4) I like to "play test" my characters in ttrpgs to really get a feel for them before I write. Would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character when I am a gentile, and would it be disrespectful to play a Jewish character in a setting where there are demonstrably real gods other than the one of Judaism?

I really like this character idea and I think it's cute and fun and rooted in Jewish culture but I really want to make sure it's respectful and as good as I, a gentile researching on the internet, thinks it is. Thanks so much! Have a nice day!

My answer to this is very complicated because there are things I both like and do not like about this premise. First of all, I love the idea of a cookie golem, and I'm even imagining the magic word that brings him to life (EMET/truth) would be written in icing. And I'm okay with the part about how she found a piece of the old golem and used it to build a new golem, because that makes sense for a golem made from a baked good when you think about how people use sourdough starter to make a new batch of sourdough.

However, here are the thing that make me cock my head to the side like my little sister's German shepherd:

1. re: "magical Jew" - that's not a trope I've ever heard of. Remember, marginalized groups don't receive identical disrespect across the board. It is indeed a trope to use Black people or disabled people as supernatural plot devices who exist only to further the stories of white main characters or able-bodied main characters. But I can't say as I've ever seen anyone using Jewishness that way. Usually if we are someone's one-dimensional plot device it's as someone's lawyer, fixer, "money guy", etc, not a supernatural force. So this isn't something you have to worry about.

2. I have a certain level of discomfort with you playing as a Jewish character just because playacting as a marginalized culture you're not part of strikes me as off, but I understand that that's how you gain insight into a character you're about to write so it's more of a writing exercise than anything else. (I wonder if D&D regulars from marginalized groups have written about this -- I've only played a few times casually with family so if I did run into this type of discussion in my social justice reading I wouldn't have absorbed it. If anyone is curious I played first as Captain Werewolf, and then switched to playing as Cinnamon Blade because lawful good was too hard. :P )

3. I would prefer you omit the detail about eating the cookies piece by piece symbolically, for two reasons: a. it unintentionally evokes Communion by having appreciative people consume a baked good symbolic of an entity who sacrificed his life for theirs, and b. focusing on the details of flesh consumption reminds me too much of Blood Libel (yes, a gingerbread man is in the shape of a person but how many of us actually think about it literally, the way this act would cause?)

As to your first question: I'm fine with her making a golem even though she's just a rando. Second question: I see what you're saying and maybe it could be more okay if it's really clear how well these gentile folks are treating her? And questions three and four are answered above.

I really do love the idea of a giant gingerbread man golem. Cookie golem T_T <3

--Shira

I would like to second Shira’s point about not ripping apart the gingerbread cookies. I honestly would prefer they were used as decoration, and other cookies eaten instead, since that part just feels so not-Jewish to me, but I don’t have golem-specific issues other than that. It seems like you have already been doing a lot of research, which is appreciated.

As far as the ttrpg/DnD aspect… I bounce back and forth on the topic of playing characters that are so very different from our experiences, other than in fantasy-related ways. However, I am aware that a lot of people will play with, and experiment with gender in game, and learn something about themselves in the process (the number of trans players of ttrpgs who tried out their gender in game before they were out is high). It’s different with Judaism, and even more significantly different when it comes to things you can’t convert into, like various actual, real-world races. But because people do sometimes experience growth from experiences like this, I’m hesitant to dissuade players completely. I do urge you to, at a minimum, bring the same care, research, and willingness to learn, that you brought to this question.

--Dierdra

This sounds like a creative storyline that you could have lots of fun with 😊

At first I was confused by this part:

She also made a town specific holiday to honour the Golem's sacrifice

But then you really got me thinking about different types of Jewish holidays and how they come about, so thank you for that!

Because it’s often the little details that either make a story super powerful or kind of nonsensical, I think it would be a good idea to decide what type of holiday is being created here:

A full-blown chag with restrictions on labour and halachic obligations? These are commanded in Torah and new ones can’t be added.

A minor yom tov with halachic obligations but no restrictions? These were instituted by the rabbis prior to the destruction of the Temple, so again new ones can’t be added.

A public holiday or equivalent? This would usually be declared by the Knesset in Israel, and filter to the rest of the Jewish world from there.

A community-based yom tov with specific customs only for people in the know, such as certain Chasidic groups celebrating the birthdays of their deceased leaders? I asked around, but no one can really tell me how these holidays get started, which is probably a good indication that they arise quite organically from a group of people who all just feel that it should be celebrated. Probably not created by a single person, as such.

Something she runs from her bakery, not religion-based, but more like a day of doing special products and deals the way many small businesses do on their anniversary?

Now, if the people of a modern-day town were actually saved by a real live Golem, that would arguably be the most overt miracle for many generations, so there would be a decent chance of options 3 and/or 4 happening. It’s entirely plausible that there could be special foods for this day that become a tradition, including Golem cookies. People who directly benefited might also return to the site where the Golem fought the monster and recite the prayer, ‘Blessed is Hashem, Master of the Universe, Who performed a miracle for me in this place.’

Alternatively, if it’s important that your MC created the holiday, something like option 5 might be the best. Hopefully this will still fulfil what you need: you describe her as incredibly skilled, so I can imagine the day when she goes all out on the Golem cookies being one of the most exciting events of the year for the townspeople, just because her baking is that good. Plus, they already have a personal stake in the Golem’s sacrifice, so I definitely think it could be a thing without being an official holiday. Also, if she is outside of an all-Jewish environment, don’t forget that she would have to decide whether to commemorate the anniversary in the Hebrew calendar or the local one.

Coming back to the cookies, sorry if we’re getting a little repetitive on this point! But I don’t see the cookies being torn limb from limb as part of a celebration. First of all, this doesn’t sound like a very celebratory thing to do, to say the least. Can you imagine explaining that to a three-year-old on their first Yom HaGolem? They would be terrified! (I don’t read this suggestion as accidental anti-Semitism so much as getting carried away with a metaphor, which I’m sure as writers we have all done!)

But also, it’s worth pointing out that our commemorative foods aren’t usually that literal. If you think about hamantaschen, maror, or apple in honey, they’re all symbols. That’s not to say that having Golem-shaped cookies is a problem, as this sounds like just a bit of fun that the MC is having and not something that is directly at odds with Judaism or Jewish culture. But it’s worth bearing in mind that the more literal you go from there in terms of tying the cookies to the event they commemorate, the less culturally aligned your holiday food becomes.

Finally, about the Golem protecting non-Jewish people: I like this idea! There’s a stereotype that we only use whatever is at our disposal to help ourselves and other Jewish people, so a Golem being created by Jews but helping others as well is a big plus for me. Of course, as has already been pointed out, this would be an odd choice if her Saving The World team were anti-Semitic or otherwise disrespectful to her/her community, but I don’t think you were headed that way!

-Shoshi

I have to come back in here just to squee over the phrase “Yom HaGolem.” Well done :D

--Shira

[yiling-daddy]

Yes, that was me! I can definitely expand on my thoughts re: how Madam Yu’s behaviour reads differently to me due to my traditional, Chinese upbringing.

There is a lot of subjectivity as to whether Madam Yu can be read as abusive, and this reading is often influenced by culture—hence you often see completely off-base takes floating around. However, to me, the way that cultural context influences the reading will actually change depending on the relationship, so I will discuss each one separately. Most of the culturally insensitive takes are about her being an abusive or uncaring mother (she’s not), or that she’s a spurned woman (it’s more complicated than that), so you can skip down to the JC, JYL, and CSSR sections for that.

Madam Yu and Wei Wuxian

As a trend, I think western fandom tends to simplify Wei Wuxian’s dynamic with the Jiang family into an entire adopted family. Consequently, Yu Ziyuan gets perceived as this two-dimensional, evil stepmom figure—but I think this doesn’t capture the truth.

There’s a bit more variability among Chinese audiences when they read the Jiang family dynamic, partly due to our deeper familiarity with wuxia tropes, but mostly because there's a mediocre Netflix translation colouring the western interpretation. Though many Chinese fans do view them all as a sort of family unit and read Madam Yu as a stepmother, I do not. To me, Jiang Fengmian and Jiang Yanli view Wei Wuxian as family—but Madam Yu does not. Madam Yu views him as a servant, a disciple of the sect, and an outsider at the dinner table—and it’s not wrong for her to do so. It’s not gracious, but it’s not unfounded. I don’t think Wei Ying ever gives any indication that he views her as a mother, either.

If you agree that they don’t have anything like a mother-son relationship, all these insults/complaints that Yu Ziyuan levels at him—that he’s the “son of a servant”, that Jiang Fengmian is weird for openly favouring Wei Wuxian over his own son, etc.—these start to make sense? Like, it’s shitty to listen to, but none of it is wrong. Suddenly it reads less like pointless insults and more like actual points.

Additionally, if we consider that Wei Wuxian is a disciple of the sect who goes around and raises the ire of the Wen clan, corporal punishment suddenly looks very normal (again, within the culture). Hence, when I watched the donghua and CQL, I hated seeing Wei Wuxian getting whipped, but I didn’t perceive this as abuse—especially because of the political nature of the decision.

But it is definitely still possible to mistreat a disciple.

In CQL, you see Madam Yu throwing an unnecessary amount of vitriol at Wei Ying. In the novel extras, it's revealed that she regularly whipped him but never whipped the other disciples, indicating that it wasn't normal corporal punishment. She also whipped him for absurdly stupid reasons. To me, this signals that she tended to abuse her authority over him. Even if you don’t view her as an abusive mother to Wei Ying, it's fair to read her as an abusive authority figure.

Importantly however, "abuse" is a loaded word suggesting a violation of social norms, and again, the situation is complicated because the social norms of the setting don't match those of the modern world. Madam Yu is not overstepping her bounds as master of Lotus Pier—hence, people do not think very much of this treatment in-universe, including Wei Ying himself.

Madam Yu, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli

Okay, when I first watched CQL, I cringed when Madam Yu started dragging her family because she sounded like My Actual Chinese Mother. I felt for a second like I had transmigrated into Jiang Cheng’s body and I was experiencing his agony firsthand!

Madam Yu reads very realistically, and I think this is why it gets personal for a lot of Chinese people when this fandom discusses her character. Yes, she belittles and hurts her children for their perceived failures, but many Chinese people can tell you that this is just a common parenting style. And while it might look like bullying to an outsider, this behaviour is usually motivated by love. It is often also motivated by fear that the child’s future will be substandard. This is textually obvious when you consider what exactly Madam Yu yells about:

She snaps at Yanli to stop peeling lotus pods, because she shouldn’t act like a servant. If Yanli keeps behaving so passively, what kind of role is she going to fall into in the future—especially given that she is not a cultivator?

She berates Jiang Cheng for always being inferior to Wei Wuxian no matter what he does. If Jiang Cheng is constantly overshadowed by Wei Wuxian, what will that mean for his future as sect leader? Or his future status and reputation among the sects?

I can do these Chinese Mom Translations because parents in real life will actually say things like this out of concern for their children (insults included), in an attempt to motivate them... and it really does light a fire under our asses. I attribute many of my personal successes to this parenting style. Thus, when I see posts like “Madam Yu didn’t show any sign of caring for others” or "Madam Yu was a purely selfish and arrogant person" or “Madam Yu is an abusive mother and nothing else"—well, I can tell most of these people are not Chinese, or if they are, then they likely did not have a traditional upbringing.

While I don't think these uninformed readings of Madam Yu are necessarily racist, I do think they they are unpleasant for Chinese fans to constantly see. For those of us in the west that had this type of upbringing, we often struggle with trying to frame and process our relationships with our parents. For me, this was partly due to the emotional baggage of my upbringing (Jiang Cheng winning!!!)... but it was also because white society kept telling me that my parents didn't give a shit about me when obviously they did. That’s fucked up to experience. It reeks of cultural imperialism. Thus, when I see Chinese people getting annoyed at these Madam Yu takes, I’m not surprised. This is unfortunately a fictional discussion that very much resembles a real one for us.

Yu Ziyuan, Jiang Fengmian, and Cangse Sanren

A lot of people view Madam Yu as a spurned woman and assume that is her motivation for constantly antagonizing Wei Wuxian and her husband. But because I assume that a lot of her chaotic yelling stems from her concerns as an Actual Chinese Mother, my take is different.

Remember the scene where Madam Yu catches Jiang Fengmian scolding Jiang Cheng just after praising Wei Wuxian? She drags Jiang Cheng up to his father and, in both CQL and the donghua, says something to this effect (paraphrased from memory):

This is your son, the future master of Lotus Pier! Even if you don’t like him because he was born to me, his surname is still Jiang!

And in CQL, she also says this right after berating Jiang Cheng for not measuring up to Wei Wuxian:

But it’s not your fault. Your mother is no match for his mother.

Yu Ziyuan isn’t angry about Cangse Sanren because she’s jealous; she is angry about Cangse Sanren because she thinks Jiang Fengmian’s feelings for her are jeopardizing his competence as a father to Jiang Cheng. Viewed in this light, it also makes sense why Yu Ziyuan is hostile to Wei Wuxian in a way that alienates him from the family—constantly calling him the son of a servant, pointing out the rumours about his parentage, etc. She’s not doing this because she hates Cangse Sanren or Wei Wuxian; she’s doing it because Wei Wuxian’s presence in the family is threatening Jiang Cheng’s future in her eyes.

Bonus: Did Yu Ziyuan love Jiang Fengmian?

Yes! In both the donghua and CQL (I ashamedly admit I don’t clearly remember the novel), I thought their final moments made it quite evident that they cared for each other. They fought together, died together to protect their home, and reached out to one another in their final moments.

But when I rewatched Madam Yu’s scenes in CQL and the donghua, I realized we got other hints that westerners probably missed. I'll focus on CQL:

Right before Jiang Fengmian sets off with Yanli for Lanling, Madam Yu sees them off. She gives Yanli some snacks and then—without making eye contact with Jiang Fengmian—says that she’s also giving them medicine in case someone gets a headache. Jiang Fengmian pauses, because it’s obviously for him.

This is recognizable behaviour for a lot of Chinese people. I can’t tell you how many times my mother got apoplectic at me, and then the only follow-up was her going out of her way to make me my favourite meal. The chaotic yelling you see between Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan is also pretty typical to many Chinese parents, and again, the follow-up in my household was often one of them going out of their way to do something for the other.

This is just how the culture is in a lot of families. “Sorry” isn’t expressed in words; it's expressed in actions. “I love you” isn’t expressed in words; it’s expressed in actions. In Chinese culture, the dominant love language is acts of service. It's fleeting, but we get glimpses of that kind of love between Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian.